Desolation
03-19-2014, 06:31 PM
alright so I havnt posted a thread in all of 2011 so far even though I have like over 10 half made megathread projects mostly because now that Lost is over I dont fucking care about anything enough to write big walls of text about it but now I have something I care about the most important thing to ever happen in my real life ever right here I would make a joke about how "yes even more important than [insert really trivial thing here]" but my life is so boring I literally do not have anything trivial to mention even as a joke so thats how important this is now before I start the Real Talk™ I will have to put up a disclaimer about not using any gimmicks in this thread so unfortunately I will be referring to desolation as ugghgughuguhg a male and I wont be going on about how trollinator interrogated him for four hours before she'd let him meet me (if I was going to I'd post about how we had a threesome) anyway also this thread will be extra boring and shit and gay since I wont be posting any pictures since I dont want to post pictures of me or deso or my family on the internet and also I knew things would be awkward enough without me pulling out my digital camera every 5 seconds going oh maybe I can make a joke on the forums about that curtain alright lets get on with the gay blog bullshit no one will read
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so since I am so incredibly internet popular people have been begging to meet up with me for years but I have always turned them down since I fucking hate talking to people in real life but I like talking to people on the internet since its just text on my screen and they might as well be fictional characters since I dont have to actually be in the same room with them and be involved in their lives so I figure if I met someone from the internet real life would ruin my friendship with them and possibly ruin the internet for me too but I have been on the internet for so long and had almost no real life exposure for like five years that my realities have basically fully flipped the internet is real life for me and real life is the world that doesnt really matter so now when I go into real life it is like a real life person when they get on the internet it doesnt matter because nothing theres important to them its just a land of make-believe so maybe if I met someone from the internet it would just be like meeting anyone else IRL and it wouldnt matter since its not even real to me anymore and desolation is my favorite internet person and really wants to meet me IRL which I have been telling him for ages would be a shit idea since in real life I am a boring generic faggot and by real life I mean like my fake persona I put on so people think I'm normal not like the real me is boring and I pretend to be funny on the internet it is the other way around for me by a reality flip reason it is like in The #1 Movie of All Time about Universal Truths that Changed Cinema Forever Avatar where Jake says he cant tell which is his real body or life anymore his time with the Na'vi seem more real than when hes in his own body with his own people anyway but desolation seems to like talking to people in real life for fuck knows why and my real life and internet life are extremely boring so I was like sure why not even though I will probably hate it and it might give me a mental break down and I'll kill myself its not like I have anything better to do so I gave him my address so if anyone wants to kill me in real life you're gonna have to go and torture it out of deso (but I will burst in and behead you with my katana so dont even bother) so yeah before my family went on holiday like two weeks ago I came into the kitchen as they were having dinner and basically just asked if it was alright for one of my internet friends to come and visit and they were like of course and asked a little about him because like 5 years ago when I was thinking of going to YTMNSFL I told my mum and she said she'd take me down and they could make a little holiday out of it while I hang out with my e-buds but then after I didnt go I told them more about it and I mentioned siburke939 being there a 30 year old dude and my mum was like UUUUUUUUUMMMMMM because she assumed he was a pedo there to molest all of us (and she was right) but when I said he was my age they were like sure thing since for some reason my family trusts me and thinks I have good judgment so if I'm willing to let someone into their house then its ok with them since they are super nice people my family reminds me of the Kents from superman the nicest people possible and without them I'd probably be a supervillain anyway so flashforward two weeks later when my family are home and I cant walk around naked anymore and desolations taxi pulls up outside and I am sitting at my computer half dressed because I tried to make myself look not look like the shut-in hermit I am I shaved and had a bath and actually wore something more than a dressing gown for the first time in like a month but I had yet to put a shirt on which might work for some guys but not me since I am like a holocaust victim so I post that hes arrived and put on my shirt and my parents have taken the preemptive measures of locking the dog in the living room since when anyone rings the door bell she goes apeshit but not in a kill you apeshit kind of way just run around barking because shes a retard and my parents are like lurking around in the kitchen waiting to come through after I open the door and I go there and open it and it was like the moment at the end of Sunshine where the sun melts into the ship and Cillian Murphy stares in wonder at this incomprehensible thing not from his world well it was like that if the sun was a hipster faggot who was wearing a tight v-neck shirt and skinny jeans but there was a time-stop moment where I didnt know how to process seeing an internet person physically infront of me but then desolation said hey [insert my real name here] and hugged me hello and that did it it hit home that this was real life and I started sperging out and didnt like him touching me and didnt know if I should hug him back so I just kept my arms beside my sides until he let me go even though it was like 0.5 seconds long it felt like ages and then I was really breathless and my mind went through the like trillion possible things you could say to another person and I settled on hi you wanna come meet my family and I took deso through to the kitchen it was weird as shit because I felt like I was meeting someone for the first time but I didnt have to introduce myself because we've already been best friends for two years and I was thinking is deso going to hate me if I dont immediately go like nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger or something I dont know how to be myself in real life I just kind of go into autopilot in real life and pretend to be a really boring person but my autopilot was not working with deso because I've already been myself with him and I was thinking is he going to think I just pretend to be someone else on the internet and I'm really a faggot in real life or what so I just brought him to meet my parents and my mum is perpetually fussing around doing women's work and she didnt even stop when he came in I think she was trying to act as natural as possible as if I was just having a friend from school over or something but my dad was sitting at the kitchen table and got up and shook hands with desolation I think just to seem like a manly man dad and then my mum asked desolation how his trip was here and they instantly started a repertoire about scotland's railway network and I just stood in the corner as they talked and my dad asked how we knew each other and I almost shat myself because I didnt know if desolation was going to start trolling me in real life and say like oh a pedophile snuff chatroom or even worse actually tell the truth and explain what ytmnsfw is like and deso looked down for a second and then looked at me and smiled and I was like oh christ does he want me to say something or is he going to spill the gay nigger dick forum beans but he just said oh we met on a website and we play games and stuff together (thankfully he meant video games and not the other kind of games we play together) and then my sister came down the stairs mid getting ready to go out and she was like hi to deso really naturally like she thought he was someone who worked with my mum or something but then my mum said he was my friend and then she did a like double take on deso as if she had expected some like ultranerd like timlololoolol or some obese neckbeard steven yelle type when I told her I was having an internet friend visiting and didnt expect a perfectly normal if a bit gay looking young man and then she said hi again but more friendly like and hung around in the kitchen while my parents talked to desolation about his journey here and then when my sister went back up the stairs we opened the living room door and let the dog out and she bound around excited and jumped up on desolation and he petted her and was smirking at me because he was literally petting Dead Forum Dalmatian a troll squad member he came up with and we joked about that later and then we showed him the couch he would be sleeping on for the next two nights since all the other beds are taken although I guess my dad could just sleep with my mum for once and let desolation sleep in his bed but he didnt they sleep separately since my dad has trouble sleeping and my mum snores they are not gonna get a divorce ok fuck you anyway no one but the dog uses the living room so desolation gets to sleep with the dog basically and then desolation talked some more with my family and then my mum and sister left to go take my gran somewhere or something and then my dad tried to impress desolation and like show him that his mates dad was still cool by taking us into his new vauxhall (I wish it was a volvo by a volvoforums.org.uk reason but unfortunately its not) and showing us the sound system he payed like £600 more for and he turned up the volume and started blasting some motherfucking Overkill it was this song
it could have been really awkward since he basically lured us into his car and trapped us there but the music made up for it even if it almost rendered me as to be a deaf retard by a loud reason (anyone else really really really miss elz?) and my dad asked deso what kind of music he liked and they literally started talking about lead zeppelin and classic rock and all that shit but they had to yell at each other about what their favorite albums were like straight up screaming at each other because my dad had turned up Overkill up to 11 anyway after my dad released us I took desolation into my room that I spent all yesterday searching to make sure I didnt leave anything hard to explain around (but I did show him my drawer full of printed out pictures of miley cyrus and allison brie since he already knows what they are for lmao) and I knew he would want to see my computer so instead of just locking it and telling him to fuck off like I'd like to have done I got an external harddrive that I'm gonna use to back up my back ups of back ups (since m0nde the dumb paki faggot lost all of his forum related files I need to make sure that mine never get deleted in a harddrive crash or anything like that so I'm gonna triple back everything up so those pictures of barrys bent dick or elz sexy sisters will never be lost they are already double backed up) and put in all the folders full of forum bullshit and megathread shit that he'd want to see and left all the hard-to-explain/awkward shit on the real drives so I didnt have to explain why I straight up have a folder called "gay nigger porn" although I'm sure he'd understand I'd just rather not say it out loud to his face and I'm sure I have some really offensive material laying around my drives that I wouldnt even consider as being bad but would instantly make him like call a taxi and leave my house because he found my child snuff vids or Neytiri rule 34 or whatever I've saved over the years without giving a second though anyway I gave him a super secret preview of all my half-made megathreads and I made him promise not to tell anyone about them first and he thought the fact that I have a half written review of Metal Gear Solid 4 in a 773KB txt file from 2008 was hilarious and I let him read the opening of it and told him he'd have to wait to read the rest when I finally get around to finishing it in 2015 (not a joke that is my rough estimation for when I will be able to get around to finishing that and by that time like MGS8 will be out and the forum will have been shut down for a few years) and I showed him my plans for new troll squad and robot patrol characters and he gave me some really good ideas for new gimmicks to make a character for and I literally typed out the ideas and saved them as he came up with them also something weird I noticed was I typed really badly in front of desolation like I couldnt get into the internetting zone where I average a typing speed of mach 10 (I'm about to hit light speed atm) its like when you have to write in front of someone and get nervous or whatever and then I showed him lyrics from a song that I recorded when my family was on holiday (since it involves a lot of screaming naughty words and they'd be like son why are you yelling yo yo yo I fuck kids every day and dont give a motherfuck?) but have yet to edit and another song I've yet to record and he said we should make a song together so maybe we will do that tomorrow he literally laughed out loud when I showed him these songs and played the songs they were parodies of in the background and he probably sulis'd several times since he was standing up beside me anyway this song is really funny it's basically one big barry-diss the only problem is barry messaged me yesterday saying his chickens had stopped laying eggs and no one in his family wanted to eat them so his dad gave them to his neighbor who did eat them so yes heidi the chicken and all of barrys other chaykins are dead R.I.P. and hopefully he hasnt already killed himself or hes just joking but it wouldnt surprise me if he forgot to give them water for a week straight or something anyway then I showed desolation a new type of thread I'm working on and one was basically about how much I love "her" and he said "oh rubykins" in his girl voice in real life and it was extremely jarring it was like how terminators can mimic other peoples voices it was like when Arny kills Sarah's mother and imitates her voice over the phone I was basically trolled by a fake girl gimmick irl and then he wanted to look something up on the internet but then I thought oh fuck what if he opens my bookmarks and finds all my links to fembot forums and thinks I'm some kind of robosexual freak so I literally clicked fucking furiously on the firefox icon because my computer even though it cost $7000 is a piece of shit and literally if you click on any icon too much it cant handlie it and crashes the program so I made firefox crash and was just like oh well my computers a piece of shit guess we'll have to use my mums computer or whatever and thankfully that was that he didnt notice that I have internet explorer google chrome opera and safari all installed lis anyway then we went through to the kitchen and desolation talked to my dad some more since he is retired now and literally all he does all his life is sit in the kitchen reading news papers he is like part of the kitchen furniture now and they talked more about classic rock and like a year and a half ago I asked my dad questions about classic rock to impress desolation with and it gave him the idea that I give a fuck about The Who or whatever the fuck and hes always coming up to me talking about how the drummer from so and so died and tells me all about his career like I give a fuck and finally he has someone to talk to about prog rock he probably wishes desolation was his son instead of me anyway I was worrying again because I had told him that I was asking him these questions because I knew a GIRL on the internet who liked classic rock and I was just hoping he didnt realize that this is who I was talking about but desolation could literally be my boyfriend and my family wouldnt give a shit in fact they'd just be happy I was getting some action so whatever also I was waiting for an opportunity to say gotta love the classics but it never came up and then I was like oh fuck what do people do irl and I suggested that we could watch a movie and desolation suggested Trainspotting and my dad lis'd and said thats a good traditional scottish movie and deso was all smug about making a goodone but I guess we dont have it on dvd or vhs or bluray or whatever the fuck and I've never pirated it so we just went back into my bedroom and I automatically locked the door behind us out of muscle reflex and desolation was like what are you doing and I was like oh I uh normally lock the door and unlocked it and then he told me that that was weird he probably thought I was going to rape him anyway then I was like lets do the most unironically nerdy thing possible and play video games together but most of my PS3 games (inb4 PS3 has no games) are single or online the first two multiplayer games that came to mind were Kane and Lynch and Terminator Salvation but they are two of the worst games I've ever played and they're both obnoxiously broken cover shooters but Kane and Lynch is still good since I likes the two basically villain protagonists and they say fuck and shit ever second word like me and at least Terminator Salvation gave us the gimmick of Spoiler Spider who's been used a grand total of 3 times anyway I ended up putting in Soul Caliber IV and showing him all of the posters I recreated in the game as fighters in like fuckin 2008 or something which you can see by clicking here which he lol'd irl at maybe he was mad he wasnt included but maybe he was since half of this forum are his alts so whatever and we played some matches against each other if only reno was here to school us on shitty beat-em-ups and then I suggested Resident Evil 5 or Rainbow Six Vegas but they are both long ass story driven games and we couldnt be fucked but then I remembered that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Comic: The Movie: The Game was multiplayer so we played some of that some classic sidescrolling beat-em-up action and as we all know you gotta love the classics it was surprisingly not awkward at all it was just like hanging out with my one
friend in real life and I was letting rip with the goodones left and right so I think deso was having a good time too anyway then my mum and sister came home and desolation sat around the kitchen table talking to them about texas life or whatever and I hung around just to make sure he didnt say anything like oh yeah btw your brother jerks off with your panties all the time or whatever awful shit but he didnt and then it was time to go out for dinner so we all piled into my dads car and I was squished between desolation and my sister in the middle back seat which sounds hot but it was just awkward and we went to the italian restaurant I visited in this post a year and a half ago and I told desolation that while we were playing the vidja so he wouldnt be like HEY WAIT A MINUTE I RECOGNIZE THIS CHERUB'S ASS or whatever and let my family know that I post pictures of our meals on a gay nigger dick forum so yeah go read that post if you wanna know what our meal was like because it would be the same thing no pictures of people just our food or whatever gay shit I thought was funny anyway first thing that happened is my mum went and asked the staff if they do macaroni and cheese because she coddles the fuck outta me and thinks that I am physiologically and psychologically addicted to macaroni and cheese when I just eat it so much because it's super easy to make and I dont care enough to prepare anything else so that would have been embarrassing if it wasnt funny because eating mac and cheese is like an internet gimmick of mine that is actually true so my mum worrying about it is hilarious and desolation and I lis'd about it and then everyone ordered their food and they didnt have mac and cheese so I had some chips and I shared a pizza with my dad and desolation had spaghetti with meatballs and a whole pizza to himself since he is a fat american and before the food got there desolation and my mum and sister all had wine and me and my dad just had cokes and desolation tried to use his peer pressure powers to make me try some of his wine but I wouldnt but I should have just so I could say that I took a sip of "wine" from the tip of deso's tall "glass" if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge and then desolation was talking to my family about his future career and he said something about something happening in 2012 and I made a joke about how nothing after 2012 will matter and my mum thought I was being mean saying his life is a joke or something and I was like I mean because the world is gonna end and she was like WHAT?!! and then desolation and my sister and I had to straight up explain the 2012 phenomena and after we explained it to her she thought it had already happened but she was thinking of this one thats not as big of a deal as 2012 and we were like havnt you ever heard of the disaster movie called 2012 and she hadnt my mum doesnt know fucking shit about pop culture it is hilarious and now after we explained all this shit to her about mayan calenders and such she probably thinks its real and is going to kill us all in our sleep so we dont have to be killed by 2012 and then my sister and desolation talked about uni/collage since my sister graduated two months ago or whenever and me and my dad caught up since my family have been on holiday for the last two weeks and then some song I dont remember came on and my dad told desolation oh thats so and so with so and so recorded in 1967 this shit goes in one ear and out the other but I automatically said without thinking GOTTA LOVE THE CLASSICS and desolation burst out laughing and my family didnt know what the fuck was so funny I guess they just thought he really really likes classic rock and there was a tv on over at the bar area with some football match playing and desolation knows all about "soccer" I assume by a posts on /sp/ all day reason and he started talking to my mum about it because she fucking loves football she stays up all night watching football matches getting drunk and yelling at the TV speaking of drunken retards once everyone was done with their meal it was time to order drinks and my mum just ordered more wine and my dad didnt have any because he'd be driving us home and drinking now adays gives him a headache and I still stuck with my coke but my sister had something that I think was called a sangria which is like a wop wine and desolation talked about having a drink called a Keith Richards which sparked even more music talk with my dad and then out of no-where my mum said that my adams apple was really big and I was thinking oh jeez thanks and then my sister talked about why girls dont have adams apples by a hormones reason and I hadnt been saying much for most of the dinner since I have literally nothing interesting to say IRL so I decided to talk about the internets and I told my family that I know a scottish transexual on the internet and whos been on estrogen for a year and she says her adams apple has shrunk and desolation looked at me weird like he didnt know who I was talking about (or maybe he thought I was talking about him sulis) and I was like "you know, ellybabe" with a smile and he looked at me like uh yeah ok bro like I was going to start talking to my family about watching a tranny slut's jerkoff camshows but I said that this tranny told me that she lived in stranraer and my parents were like OOOOH JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ about it because that is apparently a notorious shithole and they gave their sympathies for a young transexual having to live there because its one of those ex mining communities where everyones poor and thus a bigoted idiot since poor people are sub-humans and desolation was confused because he knows I just stalk her but I was just lying to my family about knowing her personally since thats a lot less creepy than saying I just stalk this scottish tranny because shes hot as fuck anyway then I said yeah she is grateful she is "passable" so she doesnt get hate-crimed and I had to explain that that means she actually looks like a girl since my parents are not down with tranny lingo and I told them about all the drama in her life about trying to kill herself and shit and my mum said well if she ever needs a place to stay in a nicer town she's welcome here so the next internet meet-up I have will probably involve me getting balls deep inside a tranny slut's ass (just kidding she would be the one fucking my ass obviously) and desolation kept loling at me talking about ellybabe with my family since he knows I post pictures of her huge cock on a gay nigger dick forum and then my dad brought up some woman who is the first woman to be trailed for genocide whos from rawanda or something and I said oh thats a good leap for girl power shes playing with the big boys now and everyone laughed esp my mum who is a feminist and she was like you're quite the comedian and I was like hey you wanna hear a funny joke? and then I meant to say womens rights like how the classic sexist joke goes but since I was thinking about rawanda and what a fucking hellhole africa is I said FEMALE CIRCUMCISION and my family all froze and desolation looked at me in like shock and wonder and I instantly recognized my mistake and made a face like XD and said I MEANT TO SAY WOMENS RIGHTS and then everyone burst out laughing even my mum who was thankfully drunk enough and then it was time to leave but desolation wanted to stay out and keep drinking but I was fucking tired as shit since I have been awake for like 30 fucking hours or something stressing out over meeting deso and my parents are too old for nights out now so my sister offered to take deso to her favorite bar because they had been getting along great I am pretty sure desolation was hitting on my sister because she hung on his every word about the exciting world of texas (she should get on this forum since fucking everyone on here is from texas) and towards the end he had her giggling a lot anyway before we left my mum went out to have a cigarette since the UK is a police state where you cant smoke in-doors and desolation went outside with her and had a smoke with her and I hope to fuck didnt talk to her about how I pretend he is my girlfriend on the internet or whatever awful shit and then we all got into the car and we drove deso
and my sister to this bar that has a really funny and forum-related name but I cant say it because sid choudhuri will google it and find where I live in a millisecond anyway we dropped them off and drove home and they'll get a taxi back but that was literally like three hours ago and they're not back yet and my parents have gone to bed so either they're in a grimy bathroom stall where desolation is jamming his dick down my sisters throat or they're both laying dead in a ditch after some neds heard desolations american accident and stabbed him and raped my sister to death either way I need to go to go drop like a sack of potatoes into bed um closing statements so far I have yet to process actually meeting desolation in real life on the one hand it feels like I am just idk hanging out with an old friend I havnt seen for a while so we are just getting to know each other again but on the other hand it is really surreal because when I'm talking to him theres a feeling in the back of my mind that is saying this is wrong since this person is meant to be on the other side of a computer screen but he hasnt anally raped me yet or told my family I ejaculate onto photos of little black girls yet so I guess it is going well I think I have successfully segregated the internet and real life in my mind well enough to where nothing can break the separation and its like idk two like 90 year old guys who are friends irl chatting on facebook for the first time it is kind of weird to them because they are used to talking in a new medium with a different level of interaction but they still get alone on either and so far I havnt had a metal breakdown so maybe I could get away with posting real pictures of myself on the internet sometime without immediately committing suicide from my wondrous world of the internet and the nightmare realm that is real life colliding idk well enough excitement for tonight I am off to bed please leave any comments you have for desolation because I will show him this thread and my (probably 0) replies tomorrow if he isnt dead or in jail for raping my sister (which would be a good troll since it would ruin my real life and steal my forum gimmick in one foul swoop) ok seriously going to bed bye
THIS IS NOW A GIMMICK!!! FREE!!! ZONE!!!
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so since I am so incredibly internet popular people have been begging to meet up with me for years but I have always turned them down since I fucking hate talking to people in real life but I like talking to people on the internet since its just text on my screen and they might as well be fictional characters since I dont have to actually be in the same room with them and be involved in their lives so I figure if I met someone from the internet real life would ruin my friendship with them and possibly ruin the internet for me too but I have been on the internet for so long and had almost no real life exposure for like five years that my realities have basically fully flipped the internet is real life for me and real life is the world that doesnt really matter so now when I go into real life it is like a real life person when they get on the internet it doesnt matter because nothing theres important to them its just a land of make-believe so maybe if I met someone from the internet it would just be like meeting anyone else IRL and it wouldnt matter since its not even real to me anymore and desolation is my favorite internet person and really wants to meet me IRL which I have been telling him for ages would be a shit idea since in real life I am a boring generic faggot and by real life I mean like my fake persona I put on so people think I'm normal not like the real me is boring and I pretend to be funny on the internet it is the other way around for me by a reality flip reason it is like in The #1 Movie of All Time about Universal Truths that Changed Cinema Forever Avatar where Jake says he cant tell which is his real body or life anymore his time with the Na'vi seem more real than when hes in his own body with his own people anyway but desolation seems to like talking to people in real life for fuck knows why and my real life and internet life are extremely boring so I was like sure why not even though I will probably hate it and it might give me a mental break down and I'll kill myself its not like I have anything better to do so I gave him my address so if anyone wants to kill me in real life you're gonna have to go and torture it out of deso (but I will burst in and behead you with my katana so dont even bother) so yeah before my family went on holiday like two weeks ago I came into the kitchen as they were having dinner and basically just asked if it was alright for one of my internet friends to come and visit and they were like of course and asked a little about him because like 5 years ago when I was thinking of going to YTMNSFL I told my mum and she said she'd take me down and they could make a little holiday out of it while I hang out with my e-buds but then after I didnt go I told them more about it and I mentioned siburke939 being there a 30 year old dude and my mum was like UUUUUUUUUMMMMMM because she assumed he was a pedo there to molest all of us (and she was right) but when I said he was my age they were like sure thing since for some reason my family trusts me and thinks I have good judgment so if I'm willing to let someone into their house then its ok with them since they are super nice people my family reminds me of the Kents from superman the nicest people possible and without them I'd probably be a supervillain anyway so flashforward two weeks later when my family are home and I cant walk around naked anymore and desolations taxi pulls up outside and I am sitting at my computer half dressed because I tried to make myself look not look like the shut-in hermit I am I shaved and had a bath and actually wore something more than a dressing gown for the first time in like a month but I had yet to put a shirt on which might work for some guys but not me since I am like a holocaust victim so I post that hes arrived and put on my shirt and my parents have taken the preemptive measures of locking the dog in the living room since when anyone rings the door bell she goes apeshit but not in a kill you apeshit kind of way just run around barking because shes a retard and my parents are like lurking around in the kitchen waiting to come through after I open the door and I go there and open it and it was like the moment at the end of Sunshine where the sun melts into the ship and Cillian Murphy stares in wonder at this incomprehensible thing not from his world well it was like that if the sun was a hipster faggot who was wearing a tight v-neck shirt and skinny jeans but there was a time-stop moment where I didnt know how to process seeing an internet person physically infront of me but then desolation said hey [insert my real name here] and hugged me hello and that did it it hit home that this was real life and I started sperging out and didnt like him touching me and didnt know if I should hug him back so I just kept my arms beside my sides until he let me go even though it was like 0.5 seconds long it felt like ages and then I was really breathless and my mind went through the like trillion possible things you could say to another person and I settled on hi you wanna come meet my family and I took deso through to the kitchen it was weird as shit because I felt like I was meeting someone for the first time but I didnt have to introduce myself because we've already been best friends for two years and I was thinking is deso going to hate me if I dont immediately go like nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger or something I dont know how to be myself in real life I just kind of go into autopilot in real life and pretend to be a really boring person but my autopilot was not working with deso because I've already been myself with him and I was thinking is he going to think I just pretend to be someone else on the internet and I'm really a faggot in real life or what so I just brought him to meet my parents and my mum is perpetually fussing around doing women's work and she didnt even stop when he came in I think she was trying to act as natural as possible as if I was just having a friend from school over or something but my dad was sitting at the kitchen table and got up and shook hands with desolation I think just to seem like a manly man dad and then my mum asked desolation how his trip was here and they instantly started a repertoire about scotland's railway network and I just stood in the corner as they talked and my dad asked how we knew each other and I almost shat myself because I didnt know if desolation was going to start trolling me in real life and say like oh a pedophile snuff chatroom or even worse actually tell the truth and explain what ytmnsfw is like and deso looked down for a second and then looked at me and smiled and I was like oh christ does he want me to say something or is he going to spill the gay nigger dick forum beans but he just said oh we met on a website and we play games and stuff together (thankfully he meant video games and not the other kind of games we play together) and then my sister came down the stairs mid getting ready to go out and she was like hi to deso really naturally like she thought he was someone who worked with my mum or something but then my mum said he was my friend and then she did a like double take on deso as if she had expected some like ultranerd like timlololoolol or some obese neckbeard steven yelle type when I told her I was having an internet friend visiting and didnt expect a perfectly normal if a bit gay looking young man and then she said hi again but more friendly like and hung around in the kitchen while my parents talked to desolation about his journey here and then when my sister went back up the stairs we opened the living room door and let the dog out and she bound around excited and jumped up on desolation and he petted her and was smirking at me because he was literally petting Dead Forum Dalmatian a troll squad member he came up with and we joked about that later and then we showed him the couch he would be sleeping on for the next two nights since all the other beds are taken although I guess my dad could just sleep with my mum for once and let desolation sleep in his bed but he didnt they sleep separately since my dad has trouble sleeping and my mum snores they are not gonna get a divorce ok fuck you anyway no one but the dog uses the living room so desolation gets to sleep with the dog basically and then desolation talked some more with my family and then my mum and sister left to go take my gran somewhere or something and then my dad tried to impress desolation and like show him that his mates dad was still cool by taking us into his new vauxhall (I wish it was a volvo by a volvoforums.org.uk reason but unfortunately its not) and showing us the sound system he payed like £600 more for and he turned up the volume and started blasting some motherfucking Overkill it was this song
it could have been really awkward since he basically lured us into his car and trapped us there but the music made up for it even if it almost rendered me as to be a deaf retard by a loud reason (anyone else really really really miss elz?) and my dad asked deso what kind of music he liked and they literally started talking about lead zeppelin and classic rock and all that shit but they had to yell at each other about what their favorite albums were like straight up screaming at each other because my dad had turned up Overkill up to 11 anyway after my dad released us I took desolation into my room that I spent all yesterday searching to make sure I didnt leave anything hard to explain around (but I did show him my drawer full of printed out pictures of miley cyrus and allison brie since he already knows what they are for lmao) and I knew he would want to see my computer so instead of just locking it and telling him to fuck off like I'd like to have done I got an external harddrive that I'm gonna use to back up my back ups of back ups (since m0nde the dumb paki faggot lost all of his forum related files I need to make sure that mine never get deleted in a harddrive crash or anything like that so I'm gonna triple back everything up so those pictures of barrys bent dick or elz sexy sisters will never be lost they are already double backed up) and put in all the folders full of forum bullshit and megathread shit that he'd want to see and left all the hard-to-explain/awkward shit on the real drives so I didnt have to explain why I straight up have a folder called "gay nigger porn" although I'm sure he'd understand I'd just rather not say it out loud to his face and I'm sure I have some really offensive material laying around my drives that I wouldnt even consider as being bad but would instantly make him like call a taxi and leave my house because he found my child snuff vids or Neytiri rule 34 or whatever I've saved over the years without giving a second though anyway I gave him a super secret preview of all my half-made megathreads and I made him promise not to tell anyone about them first and he thought the fact that I have a half written review of Metal Gear Solid 4 in a 773KB txt file from 2008 was hilarious and I let him read the opening of it and told him he'd have to wait to read the rest when I finally get around to finishing it in 2015 (not a joke that is my rough estimation for when I will be able to get around to finishing that and by that time like MGS8 will be out and the forum will have been shut down for a few years) and I showed him my plans for new troll squad and robot patrol characters and he gave me some really good ideas for new gimmicks to make a character for and I literally typed out the ideas and saved them as he came up with them also something weird I noticed was I typed really badly in front of desolation like I couldnt get into the internetting zone where I average a typing speed of mach 10 (I'm about to hit light speed atm) its like when you have to write in front of someone and get nervous or whatever and then I showed him lyrics from a song that I recorded when my family was on holiday (since it involves a lot of screaming naughty words and they'd be like son why are you yelling yo yo yo I fuck kids every day and dont give a motherfuck?) but have yet to edit and another song I've yet to record and he said we should make a song together so maybe we will do that tomorrow he literally laughed out loud when I showed him these songs and played the songs they were parodies of in the background and he probably sulis'd several times since he was standing up beside me anyway this song is really funny it's basically one big barry-diss the only problem is barry messaged me yesterday saying his chickens had stopped laying eggs and no one in his family wanted to eat them so his dad gave them to his neighbor who did eat them so yes heidi the chicken and all of barrys other chaykins are dead R.I.P. and hopefully he hasnt already killed himself or hes just joking but it wouldnt surprise me if he forgot to give them water for a week straight or something anyway then I showed desolation a new type of thread I'm working on and one was basically about how much I love "her" and he said "oh rubykins" in his girl voice in real life and it was extremely jarring it was like how terminators can mimic other peoples voices it was like when Arny kills Sarah's mother and imitates her voice over the phone I was basically trolled by a fake girl gimmick irl and then he wanted to look something up on the internet but then I thought oh fuck what if he opens my bookmarks and finds all my links to fembot forums and thinks I'm some kind of robosexual freak so I literally clicked fucking furiously on the firefox icon because my computer even though it cost $7000 is a piece of shit and literally if you click on any icon too much it cant handlie it and crashes the program so I made firefox crash and was just like oh well my computers a piece of shit guess we'll have to use my mums computer or whatever and thankfully that was that he didnt notice that I have internet explorer google chrome opera and safari all installed lis anyway then we went through to the kitchen and desolation talked to my dad some more since he is retired now and literally all he does all his life is sit in the kitchen reading news papers he is like part of the kitchen furniture now and they talked more about classic rock and like a year and a half ago I asked my dad questions about classic rock to impress desolation with and it gave him the idea that I give a fuck about The Who or whatever the fuck and hes always coming up to me talking about how the drummer from so and so died and tells me all about his career like I give a fuck and finally he has someone to talk to about prog rock he probably wishes desolation was his son instead of me anyway I was worrying again because I had told him that I was asking him these questions because I knew a GIRL on the internet who liked classic rock and I was just hoping he didnt realize that this is who I was talking about but desolation could literally be my boyfriend and my family wouldnt give a shit in fact they'd just be happy I was getting some action so whatever also I was waiting for an opportunity to say gotta love the classics but it never came up and then I was like oh fuck what do people do irl and I suggested that we could watch a movie and desolation suggested Trainspotting and my dad lis'd and said thats a good traditional scottish movie and deso was all smug about making a goodone but I guess we dont have it on dvd or vhs or bluray or whatever the fuck and I've never pirated it so we just went back into my bedroom and I automatically locked the door behind us out of muscle reflex and desolation was like what are you doing and I was like oh I uh normally lock the door and unlocked it and then he told me that that was weird he probably thought I was going to rape him anyway then I was like lets do the most unironically nerdy thing possible and play video games together but most of my PS3 games (inb4 PS3 has no games) are single or online the first two multiplayer games that came to mind were Kane and Lynch and Terminator Salvation but they are two of the worst games I've ever played and they're both obnoxiously broken cover shooters but Kane and Lynch is still good since I likes the two basically villain protagonists and they say fuck and shit ever second word like me and at least Terminator Salvation gave us the gimmick of Spoiler Spider who's been used a grand total of 3 times anyway I ended up putting in Soul Caliber IV and showing him all of the posters I recreated in the game as fighters in like fuckin 2008 or something which you can see by clicking here which he lol'd irl at maybe he was mad he wasnt included but maybe he was since half of this forum are his alts so whatever and we played some matches against each other if only reno was here to school us on shitty beat-em-ups and then I suggested Resident Evil 5 or Rainbow Six Vegas but they are both long ass story driven games and we couldnt be fucked but then I remembered that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Comic: The Movie: The Game was multiplayer so we played some of that some classic sidescrolling beat-em-up action and as we all know you gotta love the classics it was surprisingly not awkward at all it was just like hanging out with my one
friend in real life and I was letting rip with the goodones left and right so I think deso was having a good time too anyway then my mum and sister came home and desolation sat around the kitchen table talking to them about texas life or whatever and I hung around just to make sure he didnt say anything like oh yeah btw your brother jerks off with your panties all the time or whatever awful shit but he didnt and then it was time to go out for dinner so we all piled into my dads car and I was squished between desolation and my sister in the middle back seat which sounds hot but it was just awkward and we went to the italian restaurant I visited in this post a year and a half ago and I told desolation that while we were playing the vidja so he wouldnt be like HEY WAIT A MINUTE I RECOGNIZE THIS CHERUB'S ASS or whatever and let my family know that I post pictures of our meals on a gay nigger dick forum so yeah go read that post if you wanna know what our meal was like because it would be the same thing no pictures of people just our food or whatever gay shit I thought was funny anyway first thing that happened is my mum went and asked the staff if they do macaroni and cheese because she coddles the fuck outta me and thinks that I am physiologically and psychologically addicted to macaroni and cheese when I just eat it so much because it's super easy to make and I dont care enough to prepare anything else so that would have been embarrassing if it wasnt funny because eating mac and cheese is like an internet gimmick of mine that is actually true so my mum worrying about it is hilarious and desolation and I lis'd about it and then everyone ordered their food and they didnt have mac and cheese so I had some chips and I shared a pizza with my dad and desolation had spaghetti with meatballs and a whole pizza to himself since he is a fat american and before the food got there desolation and my mum and sister all had wine and me and my dad just had cokes and desolation tried to use his peer pressure powers to make me try some of his wine but I wouldnt but I should have just so I could say that I took a sip of "wine" from the tip of deso's tall "glass" if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge and then desolation was talking to my family about his future career and he said something about something happening in 2012 and I made a joke about how nothing after 2012 will matter and my mum thought I was being mean saying his life is a joke or something and I was like I mean because the world is gonna end and she was like WHAT?!! and then desolation and my sister and I had to straight up explain the 2012 phenomena and after we explained it to her she thought it had already happened but she was thinking of this one thats not as big of a deal as 2012 and we were like havnt you ever heard of the disaster movie called 2012 and she hadnt my mum doesnt know fucking shit about pop culture it is hilarious and now after we explained all this shit to her about mayan calenders and such she probably thinks its real and is going to kill us all in our sleep so we dont have to be killed by 2012 and then my sister and desolation talked about uni/collage since my sister graduated two months ago or whenever and me and my dad caught up since my family have been on holiday for the last two weeks and then some song I dont remember came on and my dad told desolation oh thats so and so with so and so recorded in 1967 this shit goes in one ear and out the other but I automatically said without thinking GOTTA LOVE THE CLASSICS and desolation burst out laughing and my family didnt know what the fuck was so funny I guess they just thought he really really likes classic rock and there was a tv on over at the bar area with some football match playing and desolation knows all about "soccer" I assume by a posts on /sp/ all day reason and he started talking to my mum about it because she fucking loves football she stays up all night watching football matches getting drunk and yelling at the TV speaking of drunken retards once everyone was done with their meal it was time to order drinks and my mum just ordered more wine and my dad didnt have any because he'd be driving us home and drinking now adays gives him a headache and I still stuck with my coke but my sister had something that I think was called a sangria which is like a wop wine and desolation talked about having a drink called a Keith Richards which sparked even more music talk with my dad and then out of no-where my mum said that my adams apple was really big and I was thinking oh jeez thanks and then my sister talked about why girls dont have adams apples by a hormones reason and I hadnt been saying much for most of the dinner since I have literally nothing interesting to say IRL so I decided to talk about the internets and I told my family that I know a scottish transexual on the internet and whos been on estrogen for a year and she says her adams apple has shrunk and desolation looked at me weird like he didnt know who I was talking about (or maybe he thought I was talking about him sulis) and I was like "you know, ellybabe" with a smile and he looked at me like uh yeah ok bro like I was going to start talking to my family about watching a tranny slut's jerkoff camshows but I said that this tranny told me that she lived in stranraer and my parents were like OOOOH JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ about it because that is apparently a notorious shithole and they gave their sympathies for a young transexual having to live there because its one of those ex mining communities where everyones poor and thus a bigoted idiot since poor people are sub-humans and desolation was confused because he knows I just stalk her but I was just lying to my family about knowing her personally since thats a lot less creepy than saying I just stalk this scottish tranny because shes hot as fuck anyway then I said yeah she is grateful she is "passable" so she doesnt get hate-crimed and I had to explain that that means she actually looks like a girl since my parents are not down with tranny lingo and I told them about all the drama in her life about trying to kill herself and shit and my mum said well if she ever needs a place to stay in a nicer town she's welcome here so the next internet meet-up I have will probably involve me getting balls deep inside a tranny slut's ass (just kidding she would be the one fucking my ass obviously) and desolation kept loling at me talking about ellybabe with my family since he knows I post pictures of her huge cock on a gay nigger dick forum and then my dad brought up some woman who is the first woman to be trailed for genocide whos from rawanda or something and I said oh thats a good leap for girl power shes playing with the big boys now and everyone laughed esp my mum who is a feminist and she was like you're quite the comedian and I was like hey you wanna hear a funny joke? and then I meant to say womens rights like how the classic sexist joke goes but since I was thinking about rawanda and what a fucking hellhole africa is I said FEMALE CIRCUMCISION and my family all froze and desolation looked at me in like shock and wonder and I instantly recognized my mistake and made a face like XD and said I MEANT TO SAY WOMENS RIGHTS and then everyone burst out laughing even my mum who was thankfully drunk enough and then it was time to leave but desolation wanted to stay out and keep drinking but I was fucking tired as shit since I have been awake for like 30 fucking hours or something stressing out over meeting deso and my parents are too old for nights out now so my sister offered to take deso to her favorite bar because they had been getting along great I am pretty sure desolation was hitting on my sister because she hung on his every word about the exciting world of texas (she should get on this forum since fucking everyone on here is from texas) and towards the end he had her giggling a lot anyway before we left my mum went out to have a cigarette since the UK is a police state where you cant smoke in-doors and desolation went outside with her and had a smoke with her and I hope to fuck didnt talk to her about how I pretend he is my girlfriend on the internet or whatever awful shit and then we all got into the car and we drove deso
and my sister to this bar that has a really funny and forum-related name but I cant say it because sid choudhuri will google it and find where I live in a millisecond anyway we dropped them off and drove home and they'll get a taxi back but that was literally like three hours ago and they're not back yet and my parents have gone to bed so either they're in a grimy bathroom stall where desolation is jamming his dick down my sisters throat or they're both laying dead in a ditch after some neds heard desolations american accident and stabbed him and raped my sister to death either way I need to go to go drop like a sack of potatoes into bed um closing statements so far I have yet to process actually meeting desolation in real life on the one hand it feels like I am just idk hanging out with an old friend I havnt seen for a while so we are just getting to know each other again but on the other hand it is really surreal because when I'm talking to him theres a feeling in the back of my mind that is saying this is wrong since this person is meant to be on the other side of a computer screen but he hasnt anally raped me yet or told my family I ejaculate onto photos of little black girls yet so I guess it is going well I think I have successfully segregated the internet and real life in my mind well enough to where nothing can break the separation and its like idk two like 90 year old guys who are friends irl chatting on facebook for the first time it is kind of weird to them because they are used to talking in a new medium with a different level of interaction but they still get alone on either and so far I havnt had a metal breakdown so maybe I could get away with posting real pictures of myself on the internet sometime without immediately committing suicide from my wondrous world of the internet and the nightmare realm that is real life colliding idk well enough excitement for tonight I am off to bed please leave any comments you have for desolation because I will show him this thread and my (probably 0) replies tomorrow if he isnt dead or in jail for raping my sister (which would be a good troll since it would ruin my real life and steal my forum gimmick in one foul swoop) ok seriously going to bed bye