Jokes

[bananadong]

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realise it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply "I used to be one of his junior associates... I just like hearing you say it".

[bananadong]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck.

[bananadong]

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

[bananadong]

A blonde goes to collect her expensive jacket from the dry cleaners. The owner, an Indian lady, says "Thank you. Come again!" To which the blonde replies "No, luckily this time it was only yogurt".

[bananadong]

Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hat rack by the front door. He couldn't remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn't gone anywhere without it. His wife didn't know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him.
He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and, since he was also something of a cheat, decided that he'd go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners' hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister "Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind".
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. "Bless you, my son" he burbled. "Was it when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat".

[bananadong]

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".
"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".
The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".

[bananadong]

Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming".
"Yes, I do!"
"Well, okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".

[bananadong]

AMERICAN MANAGEMENT EXPLAINED
A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[bananadong]

A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".
"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

[bananadong]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
Finally, the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official greeter face and says "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7".
The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten fucked more than once!"

[bananadong]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

[bananadong]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my Joe. "About $5,500" said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

[bananadong]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen "I want that TV". The salesperson shook his head and said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So, the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said "I'll take that TV". Again, the salesman said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said "I want that TV". But the salesman still said "No, we don't sell to blondes". Finally, the blonde got fed up and said "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered "Cause that's a microwave".

[bananadong]

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonous snake. The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone and calls for help. He explains to the operator what happened and redirects him to a medic so he can tell him what to do. The medic explains that he has to suck the venom out of the bitten area. The first hunter climbs down from the tree with a sad face. The bitten hunter asks him, while in pain "What did the doctor say?" Then the first hunter replied "He said you are going to die!"

[bananadong]

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" "Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead; she'd been like that during sex for years".

[bananadong]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[bananadong]

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well" said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight".
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The woman replied "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine".

[bananadong]

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer.
The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[maks]

are you Kent Jr?

[bananadong]

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH".

[bananadong]

are you Kent Jr?

who wants to know?

[bananadong]

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH".

[bananadong]

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?" "Yes, upon rare occasions" answered the handler.
"Well" she continued "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound".
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am" answered the snake handler "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are".

[bananadong]

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you" Mrs. Watkins replied "The Lord will provide".
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself" she told him "The Lord will provide".
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting "The Lord will provide".
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady" God said "I sent three boats!"

[bananadong]

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying *THUMP* and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud *THUD*.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[bananadong]

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However, this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol.
In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
An old drunk in the back of the room spoke up "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"

[bananadong]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean 'strange'?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
--
A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip. The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father. "No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm". "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[bananadong]

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot". Miss Hottwot said "Well, give me the good news first, Doc". Doctor, speaking rather sombrely, said "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone". Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them".

[bananadong]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a mument, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"

[bananadong]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks "Mummy, can little girls have babies?" "No" says his mum "of course not". Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[bananadong]

Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!" "I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy "what is it?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

[bananadong]

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".

[bananadong]

A concerned mother warns her little boy "Don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone". Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day Johnny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. His friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran? Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added "and it must be true, because when I saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers".

[bananadong]

She yells "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations". To which the guy responds as loudly as possible "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200 FOR A BJ?"

[bananadong]

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.
"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club".
"That's kind of you, but no, thanks" the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it".
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Mike" says the plant manager.
"Let me guess" the salesman replies "An only child?"

[bananadong]

A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.
"Wow" he exclaimed "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied.
She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed". "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed "Have you got beer in that barrel?"

[bananadong]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

[bananadong]

A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip.
He told his girlfriend "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable".
His girlfriend said "Try putting your jacket on back to front".
The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police.
The police telephone operator asked "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well" the motorist explained "the girl seems okay and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"

[bananadong]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes. Yes, I will".
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled "Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?"
He couldn't t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart".
Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me".

[bananadong]

A young salesman and his boss board a train headed home from a day visiting clients in a neighbouring city. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young salesman are interested in each other because they keep exchanging glances.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a *SLAP*.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him".
The boss is sitting there thinking "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young salesman sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap your boss all at the same time!"

[bananadong]

I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

[bananadong]

An old lady calls the police. She complains about her neighbours and demands the police come over immediately. Two officers show up and she says "My neighbours keep having outrageous parties. They are drinking and carrying on and they are all naked and having what seems to be an orgy. I can see them every time I look out of my bedroom window!" The cops follow her upstairs into her bedroom to see about this debauchery and to their surprise there is an enormous wardrobe blocking all but a sliver of the window in her tiny bedroom. Puzzled, they ask her how she is seeing all of this. "Well officer you have to get on the bed and then climb on top of the wardrobe, then you can see them quite clearly!"

[bananadong]

A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely." Suddenly another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said "He had a hat!"

[bananadong]

An overweight time traveller visits ancient Rome and quickly realises he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period. He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realises they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?" Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

[bananadong]

A little girl goes to the barber with her father. When his turn comes, she stands next to the chair eating a cake and the barber says to her "You're going to get hair on your muffin". "I know" she says, "I'm going to get tits as well!"

[bananadong]

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

[bananadong]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only one's present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So, the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

[bananadong]

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals - a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. How old are they anyhow?" The guy who works for the museum, says "This one, the T Rex, is 66 million years old and six months". "Wow" the guy responds. "It is amazing that they can be that specific. How do you know?" "Well" the worker says. "He was 66 million years old six months ago and that's when I started working here".

[bananadong]

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room. "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window of your hotel" Manager: "Sir, that's a personal matter". Husband: "The fucking window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

[bananadong]

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my fucking pizza"

[bananadong]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.
Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".
So, they laid off the night watchman.

[bananadong]

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" the wife sighs "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".
To which John replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have TECHNICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break".
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps!" he says "And does it look like I have BUNNINGS written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...! anyway... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
So, John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks "How did all this get fixed..?"
John's wife replied "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
John asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Hellooooo... do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"

[bananadong]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts" she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No" said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes" said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked "Did you see?" "Yes" he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why?" she said. "You've seen it all before".
"I know" he said "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[bananadong]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

[bananadong]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars".
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".

[bananadong]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of it the Admiral asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side".
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear".
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said "Yes. You wear contact lenses". The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear".

[bananadong]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished".
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could!"
The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[bananadong]

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said "Well, I'm pregnant".
The wife said "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay".
She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.
The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for another two months, but then said "I am definitely leaving this time".
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No" she said "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"

[bananadong]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer". The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

[bananadong]

My wife came home from her annual breast examination with a big smile on her face. I asked "Why are you so happy?" The wife replied: "The lovely new young doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old". I laughed: "What did he say about your old, fat arse?" "Your name never came up!" she said

[bananadong]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear". A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear". A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing my fucking arse off out here!"

[bananadong]

People that drive alone in their cars with a facemask on are examples of why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.

[bananadong]

The Prime Minister, with his press entourage, was visiting an outback Aboriginal town. He asked the local elders what he could do for them. "Mista Prime Minsta, we have two big needs" replied the lead elder. "Firstly... they built us a nice new hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the PM's main man whipped out his phone. After speaking animatedly for a while, he turned his phone off, dropped it into his pocket and nodded to the PM. "Sorted! Now, what's your second problem?" "No mobile phone coverage..."

[bananadong]

My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him. He asked "Does Mummy have one"? I replied "Yes son, all women have one" "What's mummy's vagina like"? he asked. "You tell me, son. You were the last bloke anywhere near

[bananadong]

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

[bananadong]

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mummy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!" "Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

[bananadong]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!

[bananadong]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be a politician"
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[bananadong]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded". I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?"
"Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

[bananadong]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
To which he responded "I found the remote".

[bananadong]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".

[bananadong]

A guy was playing golf one day and got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I'm on?". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales".
He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

[bananadong]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded. The social workers immediately turned and walked off. One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".

[bananadong]

The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".

[bananadong]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fookin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway!"

[bananadong]

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

[bananadong]

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Fuck! My Rolex!"

[bananadong]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".

[bananadong]

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.
The clerk responds "Ahh excellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000".
Startled the man remarks that this seems like a high price for a bird.
"Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you".
The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well.
"This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you".
Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot.
"Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000".
The man is floored by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money?
"I don't know but the other two call it Boss".

[bananadong]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet!
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
The old lady stepped back and said "Well let me get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning".

[bananadong]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night?
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry" John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do" said Keith.
"Did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, ummmm, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did".
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?"
She just died and left me everything".

[bananadong]

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom "One box of large condoms, checkout 5".
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5".
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket, checkout 5".

[bananadong]

Last week, my nextdoor neighbour asked me: "Seen as our houses are the same design... can I ask how many rolls of wall paper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came round looking angry: "I've got three rolls left over!!!" "So did I!" I said.

[bananadong]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[bananadong]

I came home last night to find a note on the fridge from herself. It read "This just isn't working, I'm leaving". I opened the fridge, light came on, the milk was cold all seemed fine to me. Dunno what she's on about!

[bananadong]

A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".

[bananadong]

A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".

[bananadong]

Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work. After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even".

[bananadong]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Convertors. Then sell my new car, take my front door key off me and kick me out the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed!"

[bananadong]

A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid. "But" protested the social worker "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door. "This is the shithouse!"

[bananadong]

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said "No way, centipedes don't talk". The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening, I thought I'd give it another try so I went to its tank again and said "Slright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening, I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede replied "I heard you the first time I'm just putting my fucking shoes on!"

[bananadong]

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is obviously a very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.
The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, in three moves he fixes the sink.
He says "It's going to be $400"
The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious. $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!! Of course, being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000 suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.
The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger asks "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town can make $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!" To which the maintenance man replies "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer".

[bananadong]

Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
Ed was stunned.
"I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm going to explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You're shitting the damn bed!"

[bananadong]

Recently, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The man looked shocked and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" says the CIA man "you're definitely not the right man for this job then".
So, they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No" the CIA man replied "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again, they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him".
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[bananadong]

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.
The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes, he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.
"See that little kid over there? That's where".
The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.
"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from".
The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.
"See that wall over there?"
They nod.
"Well, I didn't".

[bananadong]

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says "OK. Go ahead". Grandpa says "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye".
The auditor thinks a moment and says "It's a bet". Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye".
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grands, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between".
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really" says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it".

[bananadong]

An anti-vaxxer died, and to her surprise found herself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told her he would be happy to answer any questions the woman might have; about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course, the woman said "Was I right? Are vaccines a huge conspiracy after all?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The woman shook her head in disbelief, shaken to her very core, before murmuring "... this goes even higher than I thought!"

[bananadong]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[bananadong]

A mugger arrested was today after mugging several people. Police say he been charged with violating social distancing rules.

[bananadong]

IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone.

[bananadong]

Self-isolation is getting so bad I'm starting to get a crush on my roommate... and we've been married for more than 40 years.

[bananadong]

"So I heard your brother got coronavirus?" "Yeah but it's not serious" "I see, did you call your doctor or the hospital?" "Nah man, he's my brother, we have the same blood, I'll take care of him" "Nice, but just out of curiosity, what does he eat for breakfast?" "Nothing special, a thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Ah, and for lunch?" "A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Dinner?" -"A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Wait, do people with coronavirus have to eat only a thin slice of ham and a cracker?" "No, that's the only food in our house that can fit under his bedroom door".

[bananadong]

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

[bananadong]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said the friend "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill?" "Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man" he said.

[bananadong]

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Spoiler: something inside me says yes.

[bananadong]

A plane crashes on am distant island and there are only three lucky survivors: The co-pilot, a stewardess and a passenger. Unfortunately, this island is far away from any ship route, meaning that they are stranded there, possibly forever.
So, they started to build shelter, learn how to fish and hunt and how to spot and collect various edible fruits and vegetables. They even managed to keep track of the days on a huge calendar they carved into a huge boulder.
Week after week they work on their new home and soon the former shelter became a nice house. They distributed the work evenly and according to their individual skills and soon their survival was simple. They started to see this Island as their new home and the three survivors formed a strong bond over the months they were stuck on the island.
But something was missing. Not the internet, not alcohol or other modern commodities. Something more basic.
So, one day the stewardess went to the two men and told them "Listen, guys. We're all stuck here together and I know that you guys are missing the same thing as I do. So, what about an arrangement: one of you gets to sleep with me on the days with an even number and the other one on days with an uneven number. And on holidays we do a three-way. "Both men immediately agreed and so they experienced some wonderful and happy months.
But one day the stewardess got stung by a venomous animal and soon died. Both men were extremely sad and grieved not only over the loss of their sexual partner but because they loved her for being a cheerful, enthusiastic companion.
One evening the former co-pilot went to his friend and said: "I know this loss is terrible, and we surely will need some time to process this, but I think, we should keep the schedule up: you go on days with an even number, and I take the uneven days on the calendar. This will help us to keep our spirits up!" "If you think so..." replied his friend.
And so, they kept on for some months until one day the passenger said to his companion: "Listen... I can't do this anymore. What we are doing is disgusting, unethical and against the nature. We should stop this!"
"Yeah... I guess you're right" said the co-pilot. Let's bury her".

[bananadong]

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"
"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned; bayonet bloody, but only managed 40".
The first Russian asks "So did you punish his failure?"
The second Russian says "No, I gave him another opportunity, as he seemed committed to the Motherland. But again, he returned; bayonet bloody, having killed only 47 oppressors of liberty".
"So" the first Russian asks "You made him repent for his repeated failure?"
"Is it not the failure of the teacher if the student is inadequate? I gave penance, submitted myself to command for my failure and spent five days in isolation to contemplate how best to serve Mother Russia. I decided to perform the task before him to teach him again and give him a final chance. "
"We went out together to face the horde of oppressors again and I told him that by the end of the battle both of us must surely have performed the deed".
"And how did it go, comrade?"
The horde was vast and we stood before them alone, bayoneted rifles in our hands. Then I fired my rifle and the trainee yelled out: "Blyatt! What is that noise?!"

[bananadong]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter". The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever".
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy".

[bananadong]

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.
"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture" said the first man. "Was successful for many years, made lots of money. But now the market is changing, cheap imported furniture is taking over. My company ran at a loss for a couple of years, and I didn't know what to do. And then one night there was a fire, and the whole damn factory burned down. I could have built a new factory with the insurance money, but you know, I figured I was old enough that it was time to retire. So, I just took the insurance money, and here I am".
"Wow" said the second man. "That's so similar to my story. I had a factory that built speedboats. Lots of success for many years, made lots of money. But speedboat technology keeps changing faster and faster, and I wasn't keeping up, and I started to lose money. Then one day there was an earthquake, and the factory building collapsed! Luckily, I was insured, just like you, and I decided to retire, 'take the money and run' and now here I am".
The first man gazed wide-eyed at the second man for several seconds, Then, in a low voice, he asked "How do you arrange an earthquake?"

[bananadong]

A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her.
He gets out of bed again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks "We were just upstairs making love!"
"WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my GOD!" the wife gasps. "That's my mum up there you sick bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while".
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mum!!! Why didn't you say anything?" To which the replies: "Hah! I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start now!"

[bananadong]

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.
Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me".
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and lands in the water. "God Dammit!!" he shouts. The altar boy says "Father! Your language!" The priest says "I'm a priest, he'll let it slide".
On the third hole he hits a beautiful long drive straight down the fairway. The ball bounces onto the green. The priest grabs his binoculars and watches it roll toward the hole. The priest is thinking "I'm gonna get a hole in one!" But the ball stops about a half inch short. The priest throws his club and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"
The altar boy goes to retrieve the club. As he runs by the priest, a bolt of lightning streaks down out of the sky and kills the altar boy. A thundering voice from the heavens booms out "GOD DAMMIT!"

[bananadong]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister".
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister".
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying...
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[bananadong]

Three blokes were talking at work when the first bloke said "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed". The second bloke said "I think my missus is having it off with the plumber, because I found a plunger under our bed". "That's nothing" said the third bloke. "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I came home the other day and found a jockey under our bed!"

[bananadong]

If you're worried about coronavirus, rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

[bananadong]

Two guys in a truck come up to a bridge with a sign saying 'Max height 3m'. The one driving stops and asks the other how tall their load is. "It's about 4m" he says. "Damn, I don't want to have to turn around and find another way" says the driver. The other one gets out, looks around, gets back in, and says "It's okay, there's no cops, let's go".

[bananadong]

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me" says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he's very patriotic, decided on his first wish. "I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!" he declares. "Very well" says the genie. "And your second wish?" The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. "I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don't have to go back to school!"

[bananadong]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

[bananadong]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".

[bananadong]

Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

[bananadong]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

[bananadong]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world" he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

[bananadong]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

[bananadong]

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn't expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.
When they sat down, the grandchild noticed that the food looked delicious, and tasted delicious too.
But one think bothered him. He noticed that the plates were a little grimy and the silverware looked dirty. So, he asked his grandfather "Do you wash your dishes well?". The grandfather simply replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them".
The next week he made another trip to his grandfather's house.
Again, the grandfather cooks a beautiful dinner that tastes delicious. But, the grime on the plates and silverware still bothers the grandchild. He said "Grandfather, I don't think these dishes are clean. Are you sure you wash them well?" The grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them!"
The next week they meet again at the grandfather house. This time, upon noticing the dirty dishes, the grandchild says "Grandfather, I'm going to help you wash the dishes after dinner". The grandfather only says "Okay, but they're as clean as cold water will get them".
After dinner they carried the dishes into the kitchen. The grandfather began to set the dishes on the floor. The grandchild, confused, decided to see what he was up to.
After the dishes were arranged on the floor, the grandfather says "Come here, cold water" as his dog runs in.

[bananadong]

Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".

[bananadong]

A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish. A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Now she starts to get concerned. "Is that you, God?" she asks, trembling. "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"

[bananadong]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo". "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices". "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics". "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces". Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".

[bananadong]

Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"

[bananadong]

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realised she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

[bananadong]

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbour, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig". The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig". Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig".
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot".
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse".
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson".

[bananadong]

A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today".
"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.
"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".

[bananadong]

Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.
Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.
She telephoned her husband immediately and said "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"
Her husband replied "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer".
"Wow" she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"
Her husband replied "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs".

[bananadong]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"

[bananadong]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie". "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you " she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare".
The Customs officers thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused". "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

[bananadong]

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. They line up in front of Saint Peter.
"Sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, you must be cleansed of sin in this holy water" he says, pointing at the chalice beside him.
He calls up the first Nun and says "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" "Yes" responds the Nun. "With the tip of my finger".
Saint Peter nods solemnly and has the nun dip her finger into the holy water. She then proceeds into heaven.
He calls up the second Nun and poses the same question. She responds "Yes, with my entire hand".
Saint peter has her plunge her entire hand into the holy water. She is purified, and enters heaven.
He is about to call up the third Nun, when the fourth in line runs forward and interrupts him.
"Let me go next. I'm not gargling that shit after she dips her arse in it!".

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude. Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[bananadong]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".

[bananadong]

I went to a flash nightclub last Friday and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area. I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off. Everything was going fine until we went back to my place. I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic! How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?" "Gee" I said "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".

[bananadong]

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers" one of them slurred to the bartender. "What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving" his pal replied.

[bananadong]

Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24-hour food pack, de-icer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, a full petrol can, first aid kit and booster cables. Well... I sure looked like a fucking idiot getting on the bus this morning.

[bananadong]

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change".

[bananadong]

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes are back on. He throws money at the seller and runs home to show them to his wife. He barges in and sees his wife naked with the neighbour. Takes the glasses off and they are still naked. Puts them back on, still naked. Takes them off, and still naked. He gets angry, throws the glasses on the floor and stomps on them yelling stupid cheap Chinese crap, it's already broken.

[bananadong]

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my arse but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me 'cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

[bananadong]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

[bananadong]

I was travelling through town on a bus when it broke down. The driver got out and fiddled with the engine for 10 minutes before the conductress went up to him and asked "Do you wanna screwdriver?" "I'd love to" he said "but we're already running 10 minutes late as it is".

[bananadong]

Paddy goes into a Doctor's surgery, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the receptionist. "Could you taste this, please? The receptionist takes the teaspoon. puts it in her mouth, swirls the liquid round and swallows it. "Does it taste sweet?" asks Paddy. "No not at all". says the receptionist. "Good" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come back here and get my urine tested for sugar!"

[bananadong]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, sweetheart".


Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are replies. If you have been married for a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


"Who the hell is this?"
"Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?"
"Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?"
"What now? Did you wreck the car again?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"What the hell did you do now?"
"Are you having an affair?"
"Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?"
"Am I dreaming?"
"If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die".
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day".
"Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?"

[bananadong]

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

[bananadong]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"

[bananadong]

God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.
"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up" God says "Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift" Adam begged.
Eve responds "Adam, my love, if you wish to have this gift then please, take it. You do so much for me, the animals, and the fields, it is only fitting you have this ability". "My darling! Thank you so much!" Adam exclaimed.
"Okay Adam, here you go" says God.
Adam of course runs over and tries it out right away. While using it, he looks over his right should with a heart-warming smile for his darling wife and says "Thank you amazing wife of mine". "You are most welcome my loving husband". Eve answers.
God smiles at their interaction, and then looks at Eve and says "I guess that means my last gift is for you. Multiple orgasms".

[bananadong]

A man goes to the doctor after feeling quite ill. After running a few tests the doctor returns. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "I guess gimme the bad news first doc, so I can end up on a good note" the man says. "Okay" says the doc. "The bad news is that you are going to die". "OMG! This is terrible! What will I tell my wife, my young children? I am so young" he cries. After a few minutes he stops sobbing remembering there is still some good news to hear. "Doc" he says, so please tell me "what is the GOOD news?" "Well" says the doc "They're going to name a disease after you!"

[bananadong]

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. "Offer them no more than $3 million!" he shouts down the phone. "And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny!" After "hanging up" the man says to the visitor "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies "Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line".

[bananadong]

I accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together. At first, I panicked. Then I realised that it was always going to be okay.

[bananadong]

Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day "I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community" he said. "See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No! Look at those magnificent shipyards, I was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No! Look at all my restaurants and community kitchens that provide wonderful food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restaurateur? No! But I get caught fucking one lousy goat..."

[bananadong]

A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

[bananadong]

I asked my wife why did she marry me. "Because you're funny'' she responded. I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed'' She replied "You see? You are hilarious"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their breakup. The judge asked the husband "What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?" The husband replied "In the six weeks we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing". "Seven weeks!" the wife said.

[bananadong]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realises its 3am and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me". He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says "You lying bastard! You've been fishing again!!"

[bananadong]

Carl calls in sick to work.
His boss says "I know you're not sick, now get your arse to work!" Carl replies "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in".
The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.
When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.
To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.
When Carl answers the door, his boss is livid "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"
Carl replies "I am sick. That's my sister!"

[bananadong]

A military commander calls his soldiers and says "The first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options: "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So, the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" asked the commander. "Oh oh! Commander!" The soldier laughed "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"

[bananadong]

The US and Russia have gone to war. Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks, he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad.
FIRST TASK: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.
SECOND TASK: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.
THIRD AND FINAL TASK: sexually satisfy an angry 90-year-old Russian woman.
He accepts and sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed.
Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then... everything goes quiet.
Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "Now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"

[bananadong]

The corona virus is the best thing that happened in my life. My wife does not want to travel anymore. She no longer buys anything, because everything comes from China. She no longer goes to the mall to avoid the crowd. She spends all her time in a mask with her mouth closed. This is not a virus. This is a blessing.

[bananadong]

A plumber came knocking at Mark's door. "I've come to fix your blocked toilet" the plumber said. "We haven't got a blocked toilet" Mark replied. "Are you Mr Collis?" the plumber queried. "No" Mark answered. "He moved away six months ago". "There are some real bastards in the world" the plumber swore. "They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency, then they piss off to another address".

[bananadong]

I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool. Some Jewish guy approached me and said "The '70s called... they want their shirt back!" I said "Yeah? The '40s called... your shower's ready".

[bananadong]

I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.

[bananadong]

Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy. After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door. Disgusted, he called out "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?" The Army soldier replied "No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers".

[bananadong]

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking, he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?" They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot". "Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

[bananadong]

A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".

[bananadong]

Son: "Mum, I was coming home on the bus with dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady". Mother: "Well that's a nice and polite thing to do". Son: "Yes, but I was sitting on dad's lap at the time".

[bananadong]

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn't speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says "Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake". My God" says his mother. "You can speak?" To which the German boy replies "Of course". "How come you've never spoken before?" asks his father. "Well" says the boy "up until now, everything has been satisfactory".

[bananadong]

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

[bananadong]

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".

[bananadong]

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint. While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent. "Twenty-four!" he calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting he's foreign to the culture the tourist continues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Forty-one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on. "Oh, that" the bartender responded. "The locals here are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that". "Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?" "Of course, you've seen how it's done".
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety-three!" he called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter. People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter. The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman "Why was the reaction so crazy?" The barman replied "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"

[bananadong]

A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise.
Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him.
He goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening.
After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pulls at his jacket - it's a red-haired dwarf.
He tells him "Man what are you doing? Whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that".
The man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again".
The man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. After all, what's there to lose anyway.
The dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". The man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
The dwarf pulls his pants down, and the man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him.
The dwarf tells him "Okay, let's do this, how old are you? That's important". The man tells him he's 47-years-old. The dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"

[bananadong]

Dear Billy Jo,
I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!
Your cuz, Bubba.
PS. I would have enclosed $20 but I had already sealed the envelope.

[bananadong]

Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.
"Well done, Johnny" he says "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole". He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep.
Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "Look Grandad!". The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.
"I say!" says Grandad "How did you do that?" "I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray". "What a good idea. I suppose I'd better get you $5".
Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour. When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny. And here's $50 from your Granny as well".

[bananadong]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

[bananadong]

A blonde is done with all the blonde jokes. So, she makes a plan. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette.
After some time driving, she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder" she says. "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?".
The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If I guess you real hair colour... can I have my dog back?"

[bananadong]

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[bananadong]

A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[bananadong]

My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.

[bananadong]

Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".

[bananadong]

As I opened the front door, I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub. Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a fucking psycho!

[bananadong]

A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".

[bananadong]

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

[bananadong]

The other night I got stuck in a line at the Wal-Mart. After 5 minutes I coughed and said "This cough has been getting worse ever since I got back from China".

[bananadong]

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

[bananadong]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"

[bananadong]

A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"

[bananadong]

Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

[bananadong]

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".

[bananadong]

Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an arsehole.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"

[bananadong]

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[bananadong]

A woman goes to the doctor for help, because every day her husband comes home from work, he beats her. The doctor tells her to fill her mouth with water and swish it around when he arrives at home. She should keep doing this every day. A week later, the woman sees the doctor in the street, and runs up to him to thank him for the wonderful advice. She says her husband hasn't lifted a single hand to her. She asks the doctor what wonderful water swishing technique this is and what is the purpose of swishing the water in the mouth, and how it solved her problem. The doctor replies "Oh there's no technique to it really. It simply keeps your mouth shut".

[bananadong]

A traveling salesman on business met a young blonde lady in a bar and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said "You're superstitious, right?"

[bananadong]

Fred and Jim were in the middle of a game of golf when Fred pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter to spark up a cigarette. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" asked Jim. "Oh, I've got this old genie in my golf bag" said Fred. "If you want, I'll get him out and he'll grant you a wish - but only one, so make sure you get it right". A wizened genie appeared and Fred said "I want a million bucks!" The genie nodded, disappeared and the sky immediately darkened. Looking up, Jim saw an enormous flock of ducks blotting out the sky. Pissed off, he turned to Fred and said "I said a million BUCKS, not a million ducks!" "Hey, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" Fred replied.

[bananadong]

Mrs Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months late goes back to the doctor and says "Doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before". The doctor says "Don't worry about is Mrs Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks. She says "On my balls doctor... on my balls".

[bananadong]

The missus had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf. When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet are too far apart."

[bananadong]

One night a well-dressed vampire walks into a bar. The bartender asks the vampire what he will be having. The vampire replies just a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at him funny but gets him a cup of boiling water. The vampire takes his cup and goes off to sit down. The bar tender shrugs and goes back to cleaning the glasses. The next night the vampire returns, and once again asks for a cup of boiling water, gets it from the bartender and goes to sit down. The third night the vampire returns and asks for the cup of boiling water again. This time the bartender puzzled, finally asks the vampire. Sir you come in every night to a BAR and only order boiling water, why? The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "It's for tea!"

[bananadong]

I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".

[bananadong]

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window.
The manager says "Well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do". "Like what?" says the man.
"Well, can you read?" "No". "Can you write?" "No". "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either " the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat " the manager gives him.
The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!"
Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents apiece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story.
"Well I can't do that " says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse!"

[bananadong]

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
"How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[bananadong]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, little Johnny asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why".
Knowing little Johnny's propensity for lude and crude remarks, his mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school".
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says "No". He says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Okay, okay, do tell me what you think".
Little Johnny says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue".

[bananadong]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" 'Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith... he's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there".
"Thank you very much for the call, sir".
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[bananadong]

Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary. Johnny gets a hard-on.
Obviously, Mary started asking right away "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnny's dick Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly "That's a stork"
Mary is still bored and starts asking again "What is that?" while pointing at Johnny's balls Johnny then answers "Those are storks' eggs".
Mary is still intrigued "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says "That's the storks nest. Leave me alone already!"
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful.
Noticing Mary, he asks "Mary, what happened to me?" Mary answers "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the stork's neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire".

[bananadong]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning Father, Good morning Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute, young lady". "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen".

[bananadong]

Despite her old age and waning eyesight and hearing taking a toll on her daily life, Doreen was always a wonderful mother to her three sons. To celebrate her 70th birthday, they decide to buy her lavish gifts.
The eldest son builds her a brand-new home, complete with all new furnishings, appliances, full garage and more.
The middle son buys her a brand-new sports car, to replace that 20-year-old beater she never bothered to get rid of.
The youngest son buys her a parrot who can recite Christian verses perfectly, to remind her of their love for Jesus Christ and to always be a good person.
Overwhelmed and flattered beyond belief, the mother thanks all her sons one-by-one, starting with the eldest.
"George, this is so wonderful! While I cannot see this new home very well or the things in it, I will cherish it always" she says, giving him a hug.
She turns to the middle son. "Oh Carter, this car is so nifty and cool! While I cannot drive much anymore, I'll cherish it always" she says, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Finally, she turns to the youngest son. "Oh Markus, thank you so much for that wonderful bird. It was delicious!"

[bananadong]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay".
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum!"
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $61.85" said the clerk. "Can't possibly be that much? I only bought 5 items". The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too".

[bananadong]

Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat bastard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".

[bananadong]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".

[bananadong]

A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".

[bananadong]

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman. He climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No... it's burning my arse!"

[bananadong]

Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"

[bananadong]

A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"

[bananadong]

Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.

[bananadong]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."

[bananadong]

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his arse!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his arse. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's arse too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!

[bananadong]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".
The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".

[bananadong]

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".

[bananadong]

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"

[bananadong]

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".

[bananadong]

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"

[bananadong]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[bananadong]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell *kerplop* right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"

[bananadong]

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
This student received the only "A".

[bananadong]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said "I would like to withdraw $500".

The female teller told her "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM". The old lady then asked "Why?" The teller irritably told her "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you".

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady "My apologies mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her "Any amount up to $300,000".

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with Seniors... they will outwit you.

[bananadong]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello" said the Father "And how is Mr. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?" "You did that, Father".

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father" said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you". "Thank-you, Father". And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan" said the Father "how are you?" "Oh, very well" said she.

"And tell me" he said "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all!" "Now isn't that wonderful" he said.

"And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh" she said "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"

[bananadong]

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out.

He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month, and offers oral instead. The huge guy thinks it over for a minute or two and then counters with "How 'bout anal?" Too intimidated to say no, the transvestite leads the john into an alley to have sex.

While the john is going to town, the transvestite can't help but start to get excited himself and gets an erection. Right as the john is getting ready to climax, he reaches around to give the hooker some pleasure when his hand encounters the stiff member.

"Hot damn" he yelled out "in one end and out the other!"

[bananadong]

The electricity man called round at number 71 Burswood Road to turn on the power for the new tenants.

After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.

"Where's your mum, son?" he asked. The little boy didn't answer but just pointed at the stairs.

So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being shagged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.

"Son, son, do you know what's going on up there, do you know what they're doing?" The boy just looked at him and then said "Na-a-a-a-a-a".

[bananadong]

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "The Power Of Prayer".

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit".

[bananadong]

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

"Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your friend!!" the bum staggers away chuckling.

The Polish guys look at each other and start laughing. "That was a funny riddle that bum told us" they say "let's go do it on someone".

Laughing almost hysterically, they see two American guys. They walk up to them and smile.

"Hey guys!" they laugh. "We got a riddle for you! What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The American guy's shrug, waiting for the answer.

The Polish guys chuckle again, and one of them says as he smirks "Me and my friend!!"

[bananadong]

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that's how very many company policies and procedures get established.

[bananadong]

George was planning on going out with 'The Boys' when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

Wife "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt".
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chunks all over his shirt.

George "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunkass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned".

So, when drunkass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Wife: "I KNEW that you would spew all over that new shirt!"
George "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned".

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

Wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollars come from?"
George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants".

[bananadong]

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements.

Son Gary says "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos".

Daughter Grace says "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us".

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens".

Daughter Alice says "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough".

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery!"

[bananadong]

A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman".

This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart A*s the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit, Johnny looked up and said "Making a fireman".

This pissed the fireman off so he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The cop asked Little Johnny "What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?"

Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.

The cop said "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop?"

Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said "Because I aint got enough shit".

[bananadong]

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So" he said "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe". Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000". The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

[bananadong]

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"

[bananadong]

I came home steaming drunk at 3am in the morning. The wife sat up and pointed at the clock and yelled "What fucking time do you call this?" So I sighed and had to explain to her AGAIN about the big hand and the little hand.

[bananadong]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello, Sarge" "Yes" "It looks like we have a homicide here". "What happened?" "A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped". "Have you placed her under arrest?" "No sir. The floor is still wet".

[bananadong]

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home, I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the neighbour. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison.

[bananadong]

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot. But she took it back a week later telling the pet shop owner "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained. "I haven't had a bloody chance to get a word in yet!" interjected the parrot"

[bananadong]

My grandfather was trying to give up smoking, so to help him along I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in petrol. I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.

[bananadong]

The wife and I were standing in the kitchen when our young son was struggling to get the lid off of a tub of yogurt. "For fuck's sake!" he exclaimed as he eventually wrestled it open. The wife turned to me and said "Hmmm... wonder where he gets THAT from..." To which I replied "Out of the fucking fridge you stupid bitch. Where the fuck else would he have got it from?"