rubycalaber
05-01-2015, 04:10 PM
this thread is from a time 2 years ago where me and tim and camoron playing dayz for four days straight, tim not sleeping for two nights in a row, and this was when cam was psychotically in love with cag and losing his fucking mind over her not talking to him on skype and he was trying to take his mind off of it so of course tim keeps harassing him about it non-stop lmao so this banter archive mechanic came in handy so the videos arnt weighed down by it but also if you really want to listen to that you can just download the following podcast thing
Banter Archive #003: Cam Goes Cag Crazy (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive003.mp3)
hopefully camoron doesn't feel betrayed to and doesnt care anymore and can see the funny side like it seems most people can after they get worked up about something and then years later realize it doesnt matter like everything I've ever gotten worked up about in my whole life since I'm not trying to be mean I just want to shift all the half-made projects that are sitting about on my computer before this forum is completely necrotic since its a wee bit in rigor mortis atm, anyway this recording features top keks such as camoron reading out cag's myspace page which says turn offs: religious finatics, silicone breasts, christianity, sexism, racism, far right conservatives aka war mongers, homophobia, too many tattoos and IGNORANCE, cam going you're not recording this are you?... oh god no!, camoron admitting that he'd let cag peg him regularly, cag warning cam that he'll regret asking her to be his girlfriend when he's sobor, cam talking to his mum about how hes upset over cag, cag unironically saying "maybe that's my problem, I need to drink more" then admitting to putting alcohol in his coffee, cam stalking cag on youtube and unironically saying "she liked a video 7 hours ago on youtube, ugh, shes such a bitch, how can she do this to me?" such top banter as cam asking tim to "leave me alone" to which tim says "leave cag alone", cam reassuring us that "I'm not suicidal though I hope you guys realize that I doesnt even cross my mind" to which tim says "bullshit, it crosses my mind at least once a week, minimum" which he then asks me to edit out of my thread lmao hi tim, camoron reading out even more of cags myspace which starts off with I really hope you dont put this in a podcast... please dont betray me... turn ons: pain, men, women, dead men and women and evil, satanism, necrophilia, cannibalism, viscera, fellatio, cunninglingus, blood, death, suicide and sadists, favorite food: entrails, preferably human, and blood, hobbies: writing pottery, freelance writing, sex and drugs, listening to music, slathering the innocent, I'm looking for a good looking guy or girl who can be cruelly dominant with me to which cam says I think shes just in pain, and I'm in pain, and we found each other, and we're both in pain and then cag asks me for advice about if he should pm her on youtube or not and I tell him "that might come across as sad and weird..... because it is" and then he reveals that TIM SUCKED OFF A TRANNY
Banter Archive #004: Cash or Cache? (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive004.mp3)
if you enjoyed 43 minutes of cam whining about cag then here's another 23 minutes of non-cag related discussion that took place during our gaming sessions, including a massive argument about how to pronounce "cache", tim admitting DUDE I'VE HAD LIKE GUYS WHO WERE BIGGER THAN ME WANT ME TO FUCK THEM IN THE ARSE, IVE HAD ONE GUY OFFER ME STRAIGHT UP 500 DICKS IF I LET HIM SUCK MY DICK, how camoron told obnoxious bitch that hes from south africa and NELSON MANDELA PUT HIS DAD IN PRISON FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY and she fucking believed it, various gossip about lizards like cody working for his family's painting company and how flag is well known for harassing people by filing frivolous lawsuits good thing HES FUCKING DEAD NOW, me getting cam to listen to kristana's strange whistling sound in some sort of alienware language she makes just before a bluescreen, how tim thinks cheese makes you sick when you're drunk based on a story of his friend eating a hotdog with melted cheese on it from a gas station but I point out its probably because it's from a fucking gas station and had salmonella in it, cam telling me that he heard plug drugs plug drugs screaming I DONT WANT YOU TALKING TO TEKNORAT! over tinychat (rustlemaster tek cucks again), how cam wishes he was gay to which tim says same shit, different arsehole (speaking from experience), how tim got addicted to betting, me asking them if they'd get circumcised if paul reubens being a jewess would let them fuck her, then redpilling them on how jews make facial cream out of foreskins, tim saying, incest is wrong... but fucking children isnt! tim talking about a girl in an alice suit, no an hour suit, no a mouse suit? no an owl suit he met at a furry night club sorry a birthday party where everyone was in fursuits and how hot she was, how tim enjoys holding his shit in, how he's considered getting his balls cut off to get into street fighting, and how he'd go back in time and fuck lisa when she was 4
Banter Archive #005: Jack Venooker Threatens Patrick Mannix (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive005.mp3)
this is the full audio of jack's threatening phonecall camoron played to me without all the garbage from dayz in the background, it's 5 minute long and can be summed up with PATRICK, ITS JACK, I HAVE FOUND YOU, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, I KNOW YOUR WIFES NAME, I KNOW YOUR KIDS NAMES also its funny how he says hes going to 4chan since lizards think 4chan is so cool and mysterious when now adays you get told to fuck off for asking for a personal army since no one cares anymore also please note how FLAGLERCHAT IS FUCKING DEAD IN REAL LIFE LMAO so jack won in the end, or did he, if he seemed to be enjoying their troll war as much as flag?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrnzdV19hGw
now onto le dayz videos, out of these 4 game sessions something was wrong with my mic 3 out of those 4 times lmao so hope you like listening to tim bullying cam more than listening to me because fraps wasnt recording me at all for this video, it features cam noting how downhill lisa has gone in the last year (if that was downhill then where is she now? hell?) some americans getting angry as fucking hell at someone called highlander, I was talking shit back to them since my mic was actually working just not being recorded and I honsetly thought they were calling me highlander because I was scottish and not someone else whos username was highlander, camoron yelling ITS NOT A FUCKING GIRLS NAME! when we point out that it is a girls name, barry going to bed because his sister wont stop torrenting, camoron playing me jack's threatening voicemails, me running a guy over in a car since this seems to be a hacked server with cars everywhere and then cam going to bed since he couldnt even get his game working
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h-PBjUKATU
this video is just me mucking about by myself after everyone else went to bed after not being able to do anything at all, it opens with a deep quote from a real life nigger who said IT HAS CROSSED ME IN THE PAST TO TRUST PEOPLE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE POINT, YOU HAVE TO RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY YOU CAN TRUST and features angry fagboys who say such things as FOOKIN LOOKY BASTAD and WHO'S THE DUMBASS WHO CANT SHOOT OUTSIDE CAP GOLOVA? when I pwn them, about 2 minutes straight of me unloading a gun at people running around and missing completely, me getting killed on a rooftop which makes my mic start being recorded again for some reason so I then go back up again so hopefully dying again solves more of my computer problems and the guy says why didnt you learn from the last time you black piece of shit? fuggin racis then I drive around in cars I find smashing into people and getting into car chases and some raged guy says YO WHOEVER JUST TRIED TO KILL THE TWO GUYS NEXT TO ELEKTRO AT THE BOTTOM OF THAT CLIFF YOU GUYS SUCK AND ARE THE WORST BANDITS IN THE WORLD and I think the same guy actually gets a helicopter and flies after me and he says HEY GUY IN THE HOSPITAL HES OVER BY THE FIREHOUSE HES SHOOTING AT ME KILL HIM FOR ME THANK YOU and the first guy I killed says back KILL EEM YASELF YA LAZY BASTAD lmao and then I find a cop car so start chasing after people for speeding but when I get out I get insta sniped by a hacker and I died yelling IM A COP over and over again to roleplay more accurately and MY DAD ACTUALLY SAID I HEAR YOU TELLING PEOPLE YOU WERE A COP AS IF TO WARN ME THATS ILLEGAL TO DO LMAO I HAD TO EXPLAIN GRIEFING TO HIM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6-Y_iEO-8Q
the next day we try out a new map called Origins and my mic is recording now but is really quiet for no fucking reason even though the lads can hear me fine and I of course get a kill right away and then I join their server to find its nighttime so I throw my gun away to be able to hold a flashlight since I have no fucking backpack and when I find cam and tim tim yells WHY ARE WE EVEN STANDING HERE? IT'S LIKE THE MOST AUTISTIC FREAKING GAMING SESSION EVER just you w8 m8 then we leave town into the darkness guided only by tim holding a flare that he complains about blinding him lmao and there's some funny bits where cam says my gun is empty and barry says my gun..... hasnt been emptied in a few days and when tim picks up a white cemlight he says I'm holy now... tim's holy and even though I'm doing a pro job covering both of them tim starts getting angry as hell at cam screaming things like YOU JUST HAVE TO MOVE OFF IT YOU IDIOT, YOU FAT AMERICAN, HES STANDING ON IT! which is literally how teknorat gets so I guess australianism is a real disease then there's a top kek when CAMORON FALLS 2 METERS AND BREAKS HIS LEGS so we try to find exploits for him like double tapping shift to start sprinting and pressing V step and it vaguely works much to tim's amusement who proclaims THIS IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE WHOLE GAME ITSELF then we search a nearby town by cemlight light but its too dangerous and we cant find any morphine so tim just mercy kills cam then a guy who is pretty much the fourth star of this gaming session who I will name Zombie Guy because hes using a skin thats a zombie face runs into a church we're in and I try to act cool and this guy actually says you can kill me if you like I dont even have anything but I want camoron to get him for le funny footage and I follow Zombie Guy to the firestation camoron has respawned in and I start getting angry myself the australianitis has contaminated me after playing too many shit games with these people and I start yelling at him CAMORON STOP FUCKING FIDDLING AND KILL THIS NIGGER! CAMORON! STOP! KILL HIM! but Zombie Guy runs off before he gets his act together and I have to explain to him that here's how gunplay works in this game camoron: if someone's moving, you will not hit them, you have to wait until they are standing still and then you hit them in the head, because that's realisms and then we follow Zombie Guy and camoron is worrying about the zombies so I just tell him just run past them but one of them hears me talking shit as I run past it and slaps me unconscious in one hit lmao dayz and once I wake up a bandit shows up and starts shooting at the three of us but camoron saves him getting himself a hero skin and then Zombie Guy runs up yelling what happened here guys? friendly friendly! oh its you guys again! sorry I dont have anything to help you with! and I try to aim for his head but zombies start swarming around lamo its hilarious that we have accidentally made friends with this dude from fighting tooth and nail to try and kill him but the games bullshit keeps getting in the way and he hasnt noticed us trying to aim at him every few seconds and Zombie Guy actually asks me you guys wouldnt happen to have access to a helicopter would you? lmao he really is our m8 by accident and then me and cam follow him into an apartment block and I've already forgotten cam already got a kill and start egging him on more and more and camoron feels bad about it and doesnt want to and says like theres some firewood here as if its a consolation prize to getting a kill and I yell NO ONE GIVES A FUCK MATE lmao and I call him a pussy baby bitch gamer until he comes up to kill this guy but CAM GETS INJURED FROM WALKING THROUGH A DOORWAY I WAS STANDING IN and starts bleeding and we think its zombies reaching their hands through the wall or some shit and this fucking Zombie Guy we've been trying to kill for half an hour says helpfully YOU'RE BLEEDING BRO and runs off and then I tell camoron to stand still so I can bandage him but he runs down the stairs towards me and HIM PASSING ME ON THE STAIRS BREAKS MY LEGS AND KNOCKS ME OUT and I scream OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING NONCE?! and then he tries to help me but WALKING BACK UP THE STAIRS BREAKS HIS LEGS TOO and THEN A BANDIT SHOWS UP AND KILLS HIM AND I WAKE UP LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO KILL ME TOO AND THEN THE FUCKING ZOMBIE GUY COMES BACK AND FIGHTS THE BANDIT LMAO THIS RANDOM GUY WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KILL FOR AN HOUR IS A BETTER TEAMMATE THAN CAMORON OR BARRY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAiecbcbq3I
then cam respawns and is like oh oh oh oh oh ok I'm in and tim is like it's like you've found... someone's... vagina hole... someone we dont talk about 24/7 and then tim starts getting testy with me telling me to shut up and shit and he warns us that that bandit who killed me and cam is still around and was shooting at him from a buildings roof so I say, and just keep in mind my mic isnt quiet for them, that I'm gonna go up and kill the guy on the roof of the apartments if its any of yours its 100% your fault for not telling me and tim says yeah yeah I know we've seen each other before that was the bandit that killed the other two and I thought he was talking to me this whole time but on looking back at the footage I can hear hes literally talking to Zombie Guy who says ok gotcha and tim says so yeah pretty much the other two guys we were with they died and that was the guy that killed them and cam says I'm going up to find this motherfucker and Zombie Guy yeah I came up here to try and kill him and tim says yeah he almost killed me and I can hear tim in the game and thought he just had all chat stuck on as you do and cam tries to get his all chat working so he can tell Zombie Guy not to kill him and when I see a guy coming down from the roof I thought it was the bandit we were all after since I fucking warned him and fucking tim carried out an entire conversation that sounded like it was all responding to me telling me to go get him I fucking mag dump into him and of course it turns out to be tim whos like woah watch out and @ 2:13 I lose.my.shit. and scream at the top of my lungs (I'm lucky my mic level was so low since it recorded this extremely loud bit really well if it was normal level it would have probably been unclear and too loud and not record well and shit) oh for FUCK SAKE BARRY! I SPECIFICALLY SAID IM COMING UP ONTO THE ROOF! IF I KILL ANYONE, ITS YOUR FAULT! I SPECIFICALLY FUCKING SAID! YOU STUPID ABO FUCK! THAT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT! I SAID! IM COMING UP! TO KILL THE GUY ON THE ROOF! YOU IDIOT!!! and barry starts saying you dropped from the call or something, I dont know what happened, I killed the bandit, I was talking to the guy on direct chat and I holler back IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!!!!!! IM KILLING THE GUY ON THE ROOF!!!!!!! and tim says that guy we made friends with witnessed me killing him lmao we are literally friends with Zombie Guy against our will now because dogshit keeps kicking off and that that was the angriest I've ever expressed myself in my entire life lmao all because of fucking barry giving me timformation that he couldnt have trolled me with on purpose if he meant to and tim tells cam like over the 500 hours we've played with each other thats the third time hes killed me and each time it hurt... really bad... in real life and cam asks what hurts worse? being killed or the verbal abuse that follows? then I try to meet up with camoron but I mistake a zombie for him and almost get bitten lmao and tim says amma have a short break then I'll be back to get rustled by ruby again and then I get killed by this fucking bandit again and camoron bricks it and runs off and on my respawn I try to find him but come across someone else and when they stop to fiddle I mag dump into their body and all that happens is they yell at me WHAT THE HELL BITCH? and when I run off this guy chases me and on the way to kill me he actually stops and saves camoron lmao and he almost gets me but tim comes back and saves me by killing him thank god and after fighting off some zombies we see another target and the three of us run after him and as tim gets up against a wrecked car to take aim at him camoron runs up against him and I hear tim yelling THANKS CAMORON YOU BROKE MY LEGS, YOU'RE ACTUALLY RETARDED, LIKE YOU ARE ACTUALLY RETARDED, YOU SQUISHED ME AGAINST THE CAR AND MADE ME BREAK MY LEGS FROM THE GAMES PHYSICS, CAN YOU JUST PLAY THE GAME WHERE YOU DON'T RUN NEXT TO PEOPLE AND BREAK THEIR LEGS AND RUIN THE FUN FOR EVERYONE? SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW, SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD, I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE, IM LEAVING hahahaha and then the guy he was aiming for actually comes over to us and tries to help barry but I headshot him as he does hahaha holy shit and I take a magazine from tims dead body just as another player comes running down the road to us and I toss it on the ground for camoron and he starts going AH FUCK FUCK COME ON CLIP COME ON GODDAMN IT trying to find it in the pitch dark to fight this guy and this fucking slav in adidas sports clothes starts shooting at us and I take aim at him but as soon as he stops firing and his muzzleflash stops illuminating him he disappears in the darkness so I throw a flare at him and I tell camoron I only have 6 bullets and camoron fires his gun and says I HAD ONE BULLET, THATS GREAT, THAT CLIP YOU GAVE ME HAD ONE BULLET lmao and then the slav tactically extinguishes the flare so I throw another and camoron runs right up to him and gets him to chase him around a house I'm hiding behind and I shoot 4 of my bullets at him but he knows to zigzag and I only knick him and then he starts bleeding out so to keep him interested in us and not just running off into the blackness and bandaging I start trolling him and sing to him you are a gayboy and you like big dicks ramming up your hole every day and inviting him to 2fjs.com but this just makes him start shooting at us and hes gonna kill him but literally ZOMBIE GUY SHOWS UP AND STARTS SHOOTING AT THE TRACKSUIT GUY TO SAVE US but then the other flare finally runs out and we lose sight of him but then cam notices that the game says he died lmao and my bandit kill count goes up so after FIVE AND A HALF FUCKING MINUTES OF RUNNING ABOUT HE FINALLY BLED OUT FROM MY BULLET so I just shoot my last 2 bullets at a zombie and let them eat me since I'm almost bled out too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4dXQKMSOWQ
then camoron warns me that TIM LISTENS TO US ON HIS HEADSET WHILE HES JERKING OFF AND IM NOT EVEN JOKING and we meet up in a church where I execute a guy who was bandaging in there which makes me so evil I turn into lady gaga in a camo outfit and when I ask where tim is cam reads out "you both fucking got me killed two lives in a row you're ultra casual you make ruby look good which is hard to do" then someone fires a crossbow at me and when I turn around he says hey I dont have any rounds left, look I'll drop the gun and when he does I blow his brains out lmao pretty sure he was trying some cheeky cunt shit where he'd then whip out a pistol but as soon as I go to look at his gear someone else shows up and kills me since I guess I look like the bad guy even though 99% of the time I am but hey he shot at me first and then me and cam get lost wandering around in the wilderness in pitch blackness for a while until we get back to town and as cam's shooting zombies in the church a player comes out from the darkness so cam mag dumps on him and I have no bullets left so I run around him annoying him and due to shit gameplay the guy dies but just stands there upright aiming his gun and we have to wait for him to fall over and then we have incoming fire from outside the church so we take cover and I put a flare in my hands and run out to distract him and he starts chasing me so camoron can get him from behind and to keep him interested in me I start singing YOU'RE A FUCKIN GAYBOY YOOUUUU AAAAARE A GAAAAAY BOIIIIIIIIIIIII YOU LIKE TO TOUCH LITTLE CHILDREN, YOU LIKE TO TOUCH LITTLE CHILDREEEEN, YOU LIKE TO MOLEST LITTLE KIDDIES, YOU LIKE TO RAPE BABY BOYS, YOU LIKE TO FUCK LITTLE BABY GIRLS AND YOU LIKE TO FUCK DOGS TOOOOOOOOOO and this guy goes ah yes very good very good! and I ask him what country are you from so I can troll you for it? and he says france so I go france sucks, you surrender, your women are hairy and baguettes are for fucking queers lmao but then the server disconnects and he moonwalks off my screen as I say hes lucky what a good game then tim comes back and says ARE YOU TWO GOING TO PROMISE TO STOP BEING RETARDED AND KILLING ME? and immediately gets angry when we tell him we're on a french server then I find an AK and ask cam do you want to go up on the roof and find someone for me? and tim goes a kid? and cam mutters scope out some children lmao then I spot a fag in the church so I call in cam to distract him and it actually works and we both carefully put two shots each into him which of course doesnt do anything so I simply walk down the center aisle holding down the trigger full auto on him as he takes cover in a corner from cam stopping as a pillar goes in the way and starting again to give him the full mag and he just stands there for a few secs before falling over of course and then we hear tim saying "you're not actually a girl I can hear your mic, it's alright though I'm gay" and then "I like your buttocks its really nice and firm" and then "can you put your hand inside my arse?" and as tim starts leading his new boyfriend towards us I pop some smoke for cover but he runs away but at least I've marked our position for barry and then the three of us team up and run up to the building barrys new fuckboy is hiding in to rape him and tims like HEY SWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOU? HONEYBUN! but then of course I bluescreen and miss the action lmao surprised that doesnt happen more often oh wait its because fuck all anything ever happens in dayz so even though I bluescreened every hour chances of it happening during something fun are still tiny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmlvpC2B2h4
after logging back in two lesbians accost me in a ridiculous gunfight in the church and tim tells me I wont help you though since I got gear now, I've got two assault rifles, if I can get this truck going I can actually get places, actually get somewhere in this game, maybe build my own house, have a family kek and after they kill me and I respawn I kill I think one of the same dykes bandaging and then a nig comes in the church and as I'm angling up my shot I say hey I'm not gonna hurt ya and cam is like you dont sound very convincing as I start blasting kek and then I get trapped in an apartment by zombies and have to employ counter-bullshit measures such as V stepping over a stair railing to jump down and distracting them with smoke grenades and then I find an Irish guy up a firestation tower and I call up I'm friendly so he says come oop to tha top then and then I throw up some more smoke grenades and rush up and dump into him and nothing happens of course and then he shoots at where I was 10 seconds ago lmao and nothing happens either and he yells YA POICE AH SHEET so I run down the stairs before one of his shots hes aiming at where I was in the past happens to sync up to where I am in the present since you have to use time travel logic when playing dayz and as I'm climbing up onto the roof tim is yelling at me for the sever IP stating IM JUST HERE DOING NOTHING, MY LIFE HAS STOPPED HAVING MEANING lmao and then I see this guy through the window so I start blasting at him but of course nothing happens because the glass stops the 40 pellets from my double barreled shotgun and then he runs outside and climbs inside this makeshift iron plated APC that you of course cant just climb into and shoot him in since you cant use guns in vehicles in this stupid game so I try and drive it but its not running so I go back up the tower and get an angle on him through the hatch ontop of it and in real life he'd be so fucking dead since hes literally staring up at me as I fire a shotgun into his head but of course now I'm trying to shoot through TWO windows so it'll DOUBLE not work and unfortunately not cancel each other out and make my pellets teleport through one window and out the other and the cheeky so and so actually invites me in and I say SORRY IM NOT GAY I DONT LIKE GETTING IN TIGHT SPACES WITH MEN but I am actually gay so get inside and hes like SO WHY YA TRYIN TA KILL ME? and I look him straight in the eyes and start ranting about how ILL FUCKING SLIT YOUR THROAT CUNT and he jus goes THATS NOT VERY NICE and I yell to my m8s GUYS GIVE ME A RACIAL SLUR FOR IRISH PEOPLE but remember one myself and yell YOU FUCKING FENIAN BASTARD GO EAT SOME PATATOES and I jump out of the APC just in time for some other cunt to show up and shoot me and I hear the Irish guy yell are you from scotland? so I yell back YES SCOTLANDS BETTER THAN IRELAND then there's some more bullshit where I phase through a wall at a school, press slide down ladder up a huge tower and fall down and down, see a zombie with a nametag that says Man so I say MAN? YOU'RE NOT A MAN! which triggers tim and cam who think I'm talking shit to them lmao then I climb up a tower that shudders like theres an earthquake to look around and when I get down to the bottom theres a guy there who I try and fight aka play run around the Mulberry Bush with but of course none of our bullets effect each other but he starts bleeding so I chase him through the woods screaming shit at him but then his friend shows up and kills me when we reach civilization and is like SEE YA TALKIN ALL DAT GOOD SHIT A MOMENT AGO fucking niggers and then tim asks WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I TOOK THE REMAINING OF MY THERMAL PASTE UP MY BUTTHOLE? and he also says IF MY PARENTS KNEW I WAS PUTTING THIS MUCH TIME INTO A SHIT VIDEO GAME THEY'D BE LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH OUR SON and even MY EYES ARE ACTUALLY STARTING TO GET SORE FROM BEING AWAKE, 72 HOURS STRAIGHT PLAYING A SHIT GAME wow get a life m8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NdiDGLIopA
then on the third day we didnt play for very long since cam was having a mental breakdown over cag which is lucky since my mic was actually being recorded and at a good volume level but of course it was this time desynced which has the amusing effect of making me sound more witty than I actually am since it sounds like I am coming back with comebacks within 1 milisecond when in reality it takes me 5 seconds to come up with anything to say lmao anyway this one starts off with barry and cam already finding a vehicle and racing down the road when I hear timbo holler OH OH OH! OH! I WENT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND INSTEAD OF PRESSING THE LIGHT I PRESS EJECT AND I DIED lmao skill and then a chopper starts flying overhead of cam so I advice him to get on the 50 cal they mentioned on their HMVV so he starts unloading it at the chopper while hollering DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!! it sounds very cool but of course he didnt hit it once then after killing a dude I lay down and notice OH MY GOD I CAN SEE UP MY PANTIES, I THINK SHE LITERALLY HAS NO PANTIES ON, I THINK IM LOOKING AT A VAGINA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE good character models whoever made this Origins mod for a mod of a shit game then after finding some operators operating and getting killed by them I meet up with camoron and I tell him I THINK WE SHOULD GO THIS WAY SINCE THAT IS LITERALLY RU-OH, YOU ARE GOING THE RIGHT WAY, ITS JUST ON MY SCREEN IT SHOWED YOU RUNNING ACROSS A ROAD FOR NO REASON and we hold up in some apartments as people run around outside calling each other niggers and I get too scared to leave and tim informs us that IM NOT SURE IF IM GOING TO FART OR SHIT MY PANTS and cam starts throwing flares at zombies since he has no ammo lmao and it starts attracting other players so I hide in the supermarket and when a guy comes in I mag dump into him and he simply walks backwards out the store unaffected lmao then some autism happens where I see a guy in the darkness and shoot at him but he leans to the side just as I take the shot and dodges his head out the way like some sort of agent in the matrix and he does some dumb animation to hold his hands up in surrender and I shoot him anyway and hes like WHY SHOOT? with a russian accent and then his character doesnt die but does the minute long log out animation and I think its him doing all this and spend a minute yelling shit at him even though he ragequit and cant hear me good game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N95Rgol0y5Y
on the fourth day my mic finally works with no problems anyway first thing that happens is tim yelling jesus fucking christ that scared the living shit out of me NO!!!! I hope I didnt wake my parents and I ask if it's because they'd beat him and he says no they'll be like you're a pathetic loser of a son which is true and since they are on the other side of the map from me I join a Utes server which is a little island it's easy to find people on so its p much PvP all day every day and as I run around actually getting kills since I have a 60 round PP bizon to hold down the trigger on people and spray them with bullets like a garden hose it actually does damage to them fast enough and tim and barry start getting jealous at all the fun I'm having lmao and on my third kill the guy yells OH COME ON MATE IM TRYING TO KILL SPAWN CAMPERS lel well I kill him after he gets knocked out from getting a full cylindrical 60 round mag put in him and wakes up and I have to hold down the ring on his penis and have the kick pull the gun up over his body as I basically bisect him from the groin up with another 60 rounds until he dies then I hear tim telling cam to run by double tapping shift which results in camoron yelling GODDAMN STICKY KEYS! lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjOuibVOiG0
then I join back into their server and run to meet them up in the pitch blackness as cam and barry fight the same guy over and over again and cock up over and over again and when we meet up in a town a guy starts running around yelling REE ROO REE ROO REE ROO REE ROO so I dump on his back to no effect then reload and dump into his chest as he runs away and keep dumping on him as I chase him through an apartment block and cam does the same thing when he goes outside and tim finally gets him after 99999 bullets from all of us good game and then tim shoots another guy and he says thats gavin hes a huge faggot and cam says no he just had a flashlight he wasnt doing anything and tim goes who cares? I fucking hate him lmao then tim spots a pro gamer with a massive machine gun in the graveyard of the church so me and cam do a pincer movement on him but he simply holds down the trigger on both of us and then I come back to life and run back to the area and the guys teammate shoots at me from the hospital roof but I do my zigzags and get inside the church to get the guy who killed me and cam and I shoot him in the head several times but before I have a chance to deacheck him his m8 comes down the stairs and gets me from behind fucking bs game and these guys kill me and tim another time and when I finally find the second operator and dump on him nothing happens but oh when I go inside a restaurant to bandage suddenly he can shoot through the window and get me and on my new life I see a guy and its actually barry whos been kicked for high ping and is doing the stupid surrendering animation and hes talking about how he just saw a guy with lots of weapons, probably me, as I casually headshot him and then only realize it was him lmao FOURTH TIME I'VE KILLED TIMBO and tim says his pings so high because his sister is torrenting so I ADVISE HIM TO FRAME HIS SISTER FOR DOWNLOADING CHILD PORN so she gets arrested and cant torrent anymore then I see the second guy again and try and shoot him through a window that doesnt even have glass in it but it doesnt work and the first guy mows me down chasing him aaaaaaaaaaaaa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-O061QlZLU
as day has broken I load my next character that for some reason turns into a model that looks a lot like daniel craig's james bond lmao and I spot a guy next to a chopper ontop of a high rise apartment roof so I climb up the elevator shaft of the building next to it while humming the mission impossible theme song and I use third person hax to spy on him while hiding on the rooftop and he seems well armed he might be one of the operators who was owning us so bad so I get barry to climb up the other appartment building but when he gets to the top the guy isnt there since THE GUY FELL DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT AND DIED lmao all that stealth gameplay shit for that and as I'm climbing back down extra careful cam says maybe I will look for some new genes and tim asks why do you need new clothes are you a mormon? and I say he meant new genetics to make him not ugly #rekt but then I get stuck in the elevator shaft and have to basically wriggle my ass out backwards for several minutes great game and barry finds the gravesites of some of those operators who were owning us and gets their gear and he goes I'm actually... mildly happy right now? hes so shocked he actually has loot so we gather medical supplies and shit to go on a journey for more military loot but just as we're about to do some serious gaming I get shot at as we've about to leave a hospital and I get an extreme jimmy rustling as I try and have fun by shooting zombies but miss every time and run dry and then I try and loot a grave site but a zombie bullies me and I get really angry and yell at it DONT DO THIS TO ME YOU SHIT ZOMBIE, IM THIS CLOSE TO HAVING FUN but I eventually manage to put a shot gun in my backpack as tim has a go at me about pronouncing czech but then he hears some shots and I run around in circles since he hasnt told me where he's going and when he finally tells me to go to the tree line he calls out OH HES AT THE TOP OF THE HOSPITAL! JUST KEEP RUNNING! and then gunshots start ringing out and I holler OH SHIT! OH GOD OH GOD! PLEASE! PLEASE JIMMY RUSTLING! PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A RUSTLING! PLEASE JESUS! OH FUCKING PLEASE FUCKING THE LORD OF FUCKING! PLEASE! GORILLA! PLEASE SAVE ME! PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH NOT TO GET RUSTLED! and cam is like YOU ARE HEARING THE SOUNDS OF AUTISM and when I get to the treeline tim is trying to check a tent and yell YOU'RE GETTING ATTACKED BY ZOMBIES YOU FUCKING IDIOT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I DONT LIKE IT!!! and cam is like IF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS ON YOUTUBE YOU ARE HEARING THE SOUNDS OF AUTISM, ALSO HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 kek one year too late m8 and tim is like SHUT UP YOU FAT AMERICAN lmao and then guest star unfunny bunny runs past fittingly enough and then cam asks me are you still going to be making these in a years time? and I'm like hell yeah dayz for fucking life matey boy (literally) and after a speed hacking zombie rubber banding at 30mph chases tim up a mountain and hes like I wonder if he's american I'll just chuck a hamburger on the ground we see a clan's base with two houses and a big helicopter and tim is like see ruby when we dont just go around shooting people with makarovs? something interesting can actually happen and as we're running out a guy with an assult rifle appears and hops into an SUV and drives off so I get out my mp5 and hide behind a house but tim just hops straight into their helicopter but it doesnt work so he gets on the mounted door gun just in time for the SUV to come back and start circling us so I hide behind the chopper but tim yells at me to fuck off and then the SUV displays to both of us as crashing into one of their houses and flipping over but of course on his end it didnt really and pops back into existence from the side and then a second enemy turns up and starts shooting at us but tim mows him the fuck down with his machine gun and the driver gets out of his SUV just as tim blows it the fuck up in a hail if bullets which of course doesnt kill the guy and me and him dump on him and my bullets have no effect on him but he kills me just as tim tears him apart with the mounted machine gun and then cam says out of nowhere were you saying I was annoying? and tim is like SHUT THE FUCK UP, CAMORON DO NOT FUCKING TALK OR ILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS CALL and cam is like you cant, I'm the host! and then tim notices these plonkers failed to lock their houses so he starts raiding them for gear and cam is like YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW RETARDED YOU SOUND and I'm like AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE WE HAVE FUN kek and when a third SMEH clanmember fagmaster shows up and tim kills him he hollers WE JUST RUSTLED SOME SERIOUS JIMMIES as the whole clan closse in oh him and cam is like you know what would have been really cool? is if you hadnt ejected from the car the other day so I'm like alright let me counter that... *clears throat*... cag #btfo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4N6QPu0i8U
after I respawn as communist lady gaga tim says I CANT BELIEVE WE JUST FUCKED UP ONE OF THE BEST CLANS ON THIS SERVER and I see the chopper on the apartment is now on fire and when I mention it to tim he gets an idea and goes YOU KNOW WHAT? IM GRABBING A GRENADE AND IM GONNA BLOW UP THE BIG HELICOPTER and he does indeed destroy their chopper lmao but the butthurt brigade shows up and kills him but at least he managed to take one of their guys with him too then I use james holmes tactics on a guy in the church shooting at me by throwing down a smoke bomb in front of the door to cover me breaching it and of course he survives my ambush even though I dump into him and he runs out so I simply run in circles around him shooting him which works and then a nig shows up and I run around him shooting him but his running around in a circle shooting at where the enemy was 5 seconds agofu is stronger than mine and kills me so deciding that running around shooting people in this stupid town is getting old fast I meet up with barry again and we go on a mission to an airfield and after fighting through waves of zombies I climb up a construction site only for my stupid nigger character to start dougieing to the side at random so that I fall off the roof and I yell oooh no you fucking PIECE OF SHIT NIGGER just as I hit the ground lmao then I respawn and spy on two people in the forest from an apartment roof with my binoculars but I know I'll never get them so I just changes servers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4w4ZCzBfI4
after going back to Utes the fun immediately starts as I snipe a mothafucka, snipe a jeep, throw a grenade at a cow I see boat and escape the island Lost style at 10mph as 3 snipers try and shoot me so I yell LEAVE THE SS NIGGER ALONE! RACISM! STOP ATTACKING ME JUST BECAUSE IM BLACK! and I tactically change boats as I get shot at but this one goes at 9mph lmao so I switch to a third and it goes at 10mph again so thats an improvement sort of and then I go on a big epic quest to try and find an aircraft carrier I can see on the map and tim reads out a marco post dissing jon and he says marco's dissing jon, he doesnt even know jon and hes like JON I WOULD LIKE TO CHEW ON YOUR EAR IT LOOKS TASTY and I say that would be funny if it was coming from anyone other than a 60 year old lizard special shout out to marco hi marco fuck you and then cam admits to watching twilight with his mum and tim laughs at him and I say m8 IVE WATCHED TWILIGHT ON MY OWN lmao and while I'm sailing out to this aircraft carrier tim has been spending an hour trying to install this 100mb map file because of his sisters torrenting and it only takes cam like 2 minutes and when I finally get to the aircraft carrier I jump out of my little boat to try and access it but I cant of course even after looking it up online and I cant even get back in the boat I got there on and only then do I notice the other boats that have been abandoned by other players who went on the same fools quest as me lmao so I just change servers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrjhEOO2vxA
this server had a map that took place in the iraqi city of Fallujah the map is just this one huge muzzie city and there are some autist roleplayers setting up a convoy to roleplay with since theres a timer counting down to when PvP starts and I think I spot 4 players and attack them only to realize they're bots from the autists chats so I run over to them and these bots that seem to be like typical DayZ character models maybe they are meant to be in a PMC or something take out zeds for me until I kill one of them and their mates shoot at me and I run off only to see a huge wave of zombies so I run back hollering SAVE ME AI EVEN THOUGH I KILLED YOUR FRIEND A FEW SECOND AGO kek and after shooting the zombies a bot downs me and I try and get a bandage from the dead bot but even more zombies gangbang me to death and when camoron denies that americans always have their air conditioners on when someone plays games with them I come up with a great rhyme that goes AMERICANS ARE FAT *clap clap* AND THEY LOVE TO CLAP *clap clap* and tim is like she probably stopped torrenting and starting to watch some BULLSHIT while I'm dead in this video game FUCK MY LIFE!!! with genuine rage lmao and then he even considers using a piss bottle the sad bastard then there's an interesting moment where at 4:14 I get a bluescreen and fraps recorded it as like the game goes into slow-mo even my voice and a boar running past goes into bullet time and then suddenly this crazy visual digital noise fills the screen like the alienware is trying to call home to its mothership then after the autistic roleplayers mention that PvP is turned on I know what I have to do so I go to a barracks and camp until I hear another player and I get a shotgun out and in the chat I read friendly? so I charge in yelling ALLAH ACKBAR give him three slugs to the torso and scream FUCK AMERICA and in the chat he types "lol nope not friendly" kek but then I'm immediately under siege by zombies so I start popping smoke grenades into the shower while yelling COME ON HERES SOME ZYCLONE B FOR YOU BOYS YOU FUCKING JEW BASTARDS and die taking out kikes like uncle adolf would have wanted then I encounter a squad of american soldier AI so I start singing GOD BLESS AMERICA HOME OF DEAD SOLDIERS as I headshot one who just stares at me before dying and then his mates set off smoke bombs and sit in the trees as I carefully take aim but the milisecond I pull the trigger they whip around and aimbot me brilliant and then I next encounter the taliban fight zombies and even though I third person to stay behind cover and stay low they too start aimbotting me I guess thats how people get good at dayz they play against arma AI which are the biggest hackers in the world that or just install aimbot themselves and as barry is yelling SOME STUPID WHORE IS USING MY INTERNET lmao I am dumping on a guy in the middle of a desert to no effect who in return dumps on me and nothing happens but we both get a mild nosebleed which we sit there banding and staring each other and I want a better spawn so I go up and ask him to just kill me but his gun goes click click click lel and since we have no way of harming each other I deploy alternate methods and go into his backpack and then say I JUST STOLE YOUR WATER BOTTLE BYE and run off lmao rustle jimmies or die tryin motafucka
Banter Archive #003: Cam Goes Cag Crazy (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive003.mp3)
hopefully camoron doesn't feel betrayed to and doesnt care anymore and can see the funny side like it seems most people can after they get worked up about something and then years later realize it doesnt matter like everything I've ever gotten worked up about in my whole life since I'm not trying to be mean I just want to shift all the half-made projects that are sitting about on my computer before this forum is completely necrotic since its a wee bit in rigor mortis atm, anyway this recording features top keks such as camoron reading out cag's myspace page which says turn offs: religious finatics, silicone breasts, christianity, sexism, racism, far right conservatives aka war mongers, homophobia, too many tattoos and IGNORANCE, cam going you're not recording this are you?... oh god no!, camoron admitting that he'd let cag peg him regularly, cag warning cam that he'll regret asking her to be his girlfriend when he's sobor, cam talking to his mum about how hes upset over cag, cag unironically saying "maybe that's my problem, I need to drink more" then admitting to putting alcohol in his coffee, cam stalking cag on youtube and unironically saying "she liked a video 7 hours ago on youtube, ugh, shes such a bitch, how can she do this to me?" such top banter as cam asking tim to "leave me alone" to which tim says "leave cag alone", cam reassuring us that "I'm not suicidal though I hope you guys realize that I doesnt even cross my mind" to which tim says "bullshit, it crosses my mind at least once a week, minimum" which he then asks me to edit out of my thread lmao hi tim, camoron reading out even more of cags myspace which starts off with I really hope you dont put this in a podcast... please dont betray me... turn ons: pain, men, women, dead men and women and evil, satanism, necrophilia, cannibalism, viscera, fellatio, cunninglingus, blood, death, suicide and sadists, favorite food: entrails, preferably human, and blood, hobbies: writing pottery, freelance writing, sex and drugs, listening to music, slathering the innocent, I'm looking for a good looking guy or girl who can be cruelly dominant with me to which cam says I think shes just in pain, and I'm in pain, and we found each other, and we're both in pain and then cag asks me for advice about if he should pm her on youtube or not and I tell him "that might come across as sad and weird..... because it is" and then he reveals that TIM SUCKED OFF A TRANNY
Banter Archive #004: Cash or Cache? (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive004.mp3)
if you enjoyed 43 minutes of cam whining about cag then here's another 23 minutes of non-cag related discussion that took place during our gaming sessions, including a massive argument about how to pronounce "cache", tim admitting DUDE I'VE HAD LIKE GUYS WHO WERE BIGGER THAN ME WANT ME TO FUCK THEM IN THE ARSE, IVE HAD ONE GUY OFFER ME STRAIGHT UP 500 DICKS IF I LET HIM SUCK MY DICK, how camoron told obnoxious bitch that hes from south africa and NELSON MANDELA PUT HIS DAD IN PRISON FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY and she fucking believed it, various gossip about lizards like cody working for his family's painting company and how flag is well known for harassing people by filing frivolous lawsuits good thing HES FUCKING DEAD NOW, me getting cam to listen to kristana's strange whistling sound in some sort of alienware language she makes just before a bluescreen, how tim thinks cheese makes you sick when you're drunk based on a story of his friend eating a hotdog with melted cheese on it from a gas station but I point out its probably because it's from a fucking gas station and had salmonella in it, cam telling me that he heard plug drugs plug drugs screaming I DONT WANT YOU TALKING TO TEKNORAT! over tinychat (rustlemaster tek cucks again), how cam wishes he was gay to which tim says same shit, different arsehole (speaking from experience), how tim got addicted to betting, me asking them if they'd get circumcised if paul reubens being a jewess would let them fuck her, then redpilling them on how jews make facial cream out of foreskins, tim saying, incest is wrong... but fucking children isnt! tim talking about a girl in an alice suit, no an hour suit, no a mouse suit? no an owl suit he met at a furry night club sorry a birthday party where everyone was in fursuits and how hot she was, how tim enjoys holding his shit in, how he's considered getting his balls cut off to get into street fighting, and how he'd go back in time and fuck lisa when she was 4
Banter Archive #005: Jack Venooker Threatens Patrick Mannix (http://rubycalaber.com/podcast/BanterArchive005.mp3)
this is the full audio of jack's threatening phonecall camoron played to me without all the garbage from dayz in the background, it's 5 minute long and can be summed up with PATRICK, ITS JACK, I HAVE FOUND YOU, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, I KNOW YOUR WIFES NAME, I KNOW YOUR KIDS NAMES also its funny how he says hes going to 4chan since lizards think 4chan is so cool and mysterious when now adays you get told to fuck off for asking for a personal army since no one cares anymore also please note how FLAGLERCHAT IS FUCKING DEAD IN REAL LIFE LMAO so jack won in the end, or did he, if he seemed to be enjoying their troll war as much as flag?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrnzdV19hGw
now onto le dayz videos, out of these 4 game sessions something was wrong with my mic 3 out of those 4 times lmao so hope you like listening to tim bullying cam more than listening to me because fraps wasnt recording me at all for this video, it features cam noting how downhill lisa has gone in the last year (if that was downhill then where is she now? hell?) some americans getting angry as fucking hell at someone called highlander, I was talking shit back to them since my mic was actually working just not being recorded and I honsetly thought they were calling me highlander because I was scottish and not someone else whos username was highlander, camoron yelling ITS NOT A FUCKING GIRLS NAME! when we point out that it is a girls name, barry going to bed because his sister wont stop torrenting, camoron playing me jack's threatening voicemails, me running a guy over in a car since this seems to be a hacked server with cars everywhere and then cam going to bed since he couldnt even get his game working
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h-PBjUKATU
this video is just me mucking about by myself after everyone else went to bed after not being able to do anything at all, it opens with a deep quote from a real life nigger who said IT HAS CROSSED ME IN THE PAST TO TRUST PEOPLE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE POINT, YOU HAVE TO RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY YOU CAN TRUST and features angry fagboys who say such things as FOOKIN LOOKY BASTAD and WHO'S THE DUMBASS WHO CANT SHOOT OUTSIDE CAP GOLOVA? when I pwn them, about 2 minutes straight of me unloading a gun at people running around and missing completely, me getting killed on a rooftop which makes my mic start being recorded again for some reason so I then go back up again so hopefully dying again solves more of my computer problems and the guy says why didnt you learn from the last time you black piece of shit? fuggin racis then I drive around in cars I find smashing into people and getting into car chases and some raged guy says YO WHOEVER JUST TRIED TO KILL THE TWO GUYS NEXT TO ELEKTRO AT THE BOTTOM OF THAT CLIFF YOU GUYS SUCK AND ARE THE WORST BANDITS IN THE WORLD and I think the same guy actually gets a helicopter and flies after me and he says HEY GUY IN THE HOSPITAL HES OVER BY THE FIREHOUSE HES SHOOTING AT ME KILL HIM FOR ME THANK YOU and the first guy I killed says back KILL EEM YASELF YA LAZY BASTAD lmao and then I find a cop car so start chasing after people for speeding but when I get out I get insta sniped by a hacker and I died yelling IM A COP over and over again to roleplay more accurately and MY DAD ACTUALLY SAID I HEAR YOU TELLING PEOPLE YOU WERE A COP AS IF TO WARN ME THATS ILLEGAL TO DO LMAO I HAD TO EXPLAIN GRIEFING TO HIM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6-Y_iEO-8Q
the next day we try out a new map called Origins and my mic is recording now but is really quiet for no fucking reason even though the lads can hear me fine and I of course get a kill right away and then I join their server to find its nighttime so I throw my gun away to be able to hold a flashlight since I have no fucking backpack and when I find cam and tim tim yells WHY ARE WE EVEN STANDING HERE? IT'S LIKE THE MOST AUTISTIC FREAKING GAMING SESSION EVER just you w8 m8 then we leave town into the darkness guided only by tim holding a flare that he complains about blinding him lmao and there's some funny bits where cam says my gun is empty and barry says my gun..... hasnt been emptied in a few days and when tim picks up a white cemlight he says I'm holy now... tim's holy and even though I'm doing a pro job covering both of them tim starts getting angry as hell at cam screaming things like YOU JUST HAVE TO MOVE OFF IT YOU IDIOT, YOU FAT AMERICAN, HES STANDING ON IT! which is literally how teknorat gets so I guess australianism is a real disease then there's a top kek when CAMORON FALLS 2 METERS AND BREAKS HIS LEGS so we try to find exploits for him like double tapping shift to start sprinting and pressing V step and it vaguely works much to tim's amusement who proclaims THIS IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE WHOLE GAME ITSELF then we search a nearby town by cemlight light but its too dangerous and we cant find any morphine so tim just mercy kills cam then a guy who is pretty much the fourth star of this gaming session who I will name Zombie Guy because hes using a skin thats a zombie face runs into a church we're in and I try to act cool and this guy actually says you can kill me if you like I dont even have anything but I want camoron to get him for le funny footage and I follow Zombie Guy to the firestation camoron has respawned in and I start getting angry myself the australianitis has contaminated me after playing too many shit games with these people and I start yelling at him CAMORON STOP FUCKING FIDDLING AND KILL THIS NIGGER! CAMORON! STOP! KILL HIM! but Zombie Guy runs off before he gets his act together and I have to explain to him that here's how gunplay works in this game camoron: if someone's moving, you will not hit them, you have to wait until they are standing still and then you hit them in the head, because that's realisms and then we follow Zombie Guy and camoron is worrying about the zombies so I just tell him just run past them but one of them hears me talking shit as I run past it and slaps me unconscious in one hit lmao dayz and once I wake up a bandit shows up and starts shooting at the three of us but camoron saves him getting himself a hero skin and then Zombie Guy runs up yelling what happened here guys? friendly friendly! oh its you guys again! sorry I dont have anything to help you with! and I try to aim for his head but zombies start swarming around lamo its hilarious that we have accidentally made friends with this dude from fighting tooth and nail to try and kill him but the games bullshit keeps getting in the way and he hasnt noticed us trying to aim at him every few seconds and Zombie Guy actually asks me you guys wouldnt happen to have access to a helicopter would you? lmao he really is our m8 by accident and then me and cam follow him into an apartment block and I've already forgotten cam already got a kill and start egging him on more and more and camoron feels bad about it and doesnt want to and says like theres some firewood here as if its a consolation prize to getting a kill and I yell NO ONE GIVES A FUCK MATE lmao and I call him a pussy baby bitch gamer until he comes up to kill this guy but CAM GETS INJURED FROM WALKING THROUGH A DOORWAY I WAS STANDING IN and starts bleeding and we think its zombies reaching their hands through the wall or some shit and this fucking Zombie Guy we've been trying to kill for half an hour says helpfully YOU'RE BLEEDING BRO and runs off and then I tell camoron to stand still so I can bandage him but he runs down the stairs towards me and HIM PASSING ME ON THE STAIRS BREAKS MY LEGS AND KNOCKS ME OUT and I scream OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING NONCE?! and then he tries to help me but WALKING BACK UP THE STAIRS BREAKS HIS LEGS TOO and THEN A BANDIT SHOWS UP AND KILLS HIM AND I WAKE UP LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO KILL ME TOO AND THEN THE FUCKING ZOMBIE GUY COMES BACK AND FIGHTS THE BANDIT LMAO THIS RANDOM GUY WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KILL FOR AN HOUR IS A BETTER TEAMMATE THAN CAMORON OR BARRY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAiecbcbq3I
then cam respawns and is like oh oh oh oh oh ok I'm in and tim is like it's like you've found... someone's... vagina hole... someone we dont talk about 24/7 and then tim starts getting testy with me telling me to shut up and shit and he warns us that that bandit who killed me and cam is still around and was shooting at him from a buildings roof so I say, and just keep in mind my mic isnt quiet for them, that I'm gonna go up and kill the guy on the roof of the apartments if its any of yours its 100% your fault for not telling me and tim says yeah yeah I know we've seen each other before that was the bandit that killed the other two and I thought he was talking to me this whole time but on looking back at the footage I can hear hes literally talking to Zombie Guy who says ok gotcha and tim says so yeah pretty much the other two guys we were with they died and that was the guy that killed them and cam says I'm going up to find this motherfucker and Zombie Guy yeah I came up here to try and kill him and tim says yeah he almost killed me and I can hear tim in the game and thought he just had all chat stuck on as you do and cam tries to get his all chat working so he can tell Zombie Guy not to kill him and when I see a guy coming down from the roof I thought it was the bandit we were all after since I fucking warned him and fucking tim carried out an entire conversation that sounded like it was all responding to me telling me to go get him I fucking mag dump into him and of course it turns out to be tim whos like woah watch out and @ 2:13 I lose.my.shit. and scream at the top of my lungs (I'm lucky my mic level was so low since it recorded this extremely loud bit really well if it was normal level it would have probably been unclear and too loud and not record well and shit) oh for FUCK SAKE BARRY! I SPECIFICALLY SAID IM COMING UP ONTO THE ROOF! IF I KILL ANYONE, ITS YOUR FAULT! I SPECIFICALLY FUCKING SAID! YOU STUPID ABO FUCK! THAT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT! I SAID! IM COMING UP! TO KILL THE GUY ON THE ROOF! YOU IDIOT!!! and barry starts saying you dropped from the call or something, I dont know what happened, I killed the bandit, I was talking to the guy on direct chat and I holler back IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!!!!!! IM KILLING THE GUY ON THE ROOF!!!!!!! and tim says that guy we made friends with witnessed me killing him lmao we are literally friends with Zombie Guy against our will now because dogshit keeps kicking off and that that was the angriest I've ever expressed myself in my entire life lmao all because of fucking barry giving me timformation that he couldnt have trolled me with on purpose if he meant to and tim tells cam like over the 500 hours we've played with each other thats the third time hes killed me and each time it hurt... really bad... in real life and cam asks what hurts worse? being killed or the verbal abuse that follows? then I try to meet up with camoron but I mistake a zombie for him and almost get bitten lmao and tim says amma have a short break then I'll be back to get rustled by ruby again and then I get killed by this fucking bandit again and camoron bricks it and runs off and on my respawn I try to find him but come across someone else and when they stop to fiddle I mag dump into their body and all that happens is they yell at me WHAT THE HELL BITCH? and when I run off this guy chases me and on the way to kill me he actually stops and saves camoron lmao and he almost gets me but tim comes back and saves me by killing him thank god and after fighting off some zombies we see another target and the three of us run after him and as tim gets up against a wrecked car to take aim at him camoron runs up against him and I hear tim yelling THANKS CAMORON YOU BROKE MY LEGS, YOU'RE ACTUALLY RETARDED, LIKE YOU ARE ACTUALLY RETARDED, YOU SQUISHED ME AGAINST THE CAR AND MADE ME BREAK MY LEGS FROM THE GAMES PHYSICS, CAN YOU JUST PLAY THE GAME WHERE YOU DON'T RUN NEXT TO PEOPLE AND BREAK THEIR LEGS AND RUIN THE FUN FOR EVERYONE? SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW, SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD, I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE, IM LEAVING hahahaha and then the guy he was aiming for actually comes over to us and tries to help barry but I headshot him as he does hahaha holy shit and I take a magazine from tims dead body just as another player comes running down the road to us and I toss it on the ground for camoron and he starts going AH FUCK FUCK COME ON CLIP COME ON GODDAMN IT trying to find it in the pitch dark to fight this guy and this fucking slav in adidas sports clothes starts shooting at us and I take aim at him but as soon as he stops firing and his muzzleflash stops illuminating him he disappears in the darkness so I throw a flare at him and I tell camoron I only have 6 bullets and camoron fires his gun and says I HAD ONE BULLET, THATS GREAT, THAT CLIP YOU GAVE ME HAD ONE BULLET lmao and then the slav tactically extinguishes the flare so I throw another and camoron runs right up to him and gets him to chase him around a house I'm hiding behind and I shoot 4 of my bullets at him but he knows to zigzag and I only knick him and then he starts bleeding out so to keep him interested in us and not just running off into the blackness and bandaging I start trolling him and sing to him you are a gayboy and you like big dicks ramming up your hole every day and inviting him to 2fjs.com but this just makes him start shooting at us and hes gonna kill him but literally ZOMBIE GUY SHOWS UP AND STARTS SHOOTING AT THE TRACKSUIT GUY TO SAVE US but then the other flare finally runs out and we lose sight of him but then cam notices that the game says he died lmao and my bandit kill count goes up so after FIVE AND A HALF FUCKING MINUTES OF RUNNING ABOUT HE FINALLY BLED OUT FROM MY BULLET so I just shoot my last 2 bullets at a zombie and let them eat me since I'm almost bled out too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4dXQKMSOWQ
then camoron warns me that TIM LISTENS TO US ON HIS HEADSET WHILE HES JERKING OFF AND IM NOT EVEN JOKING and we meet up in a church where I execute a guy who was bandaging in there which makes me so evil I turn into lady gaga in a camo outfit and when I ask where tim is cam reads out "you both fucking got me killed two lives in a row you're ultra casual you make ruby look good which is hard to do" then someone fires a crossbow at me and when I turn around he says hey I dont have any rounds left, look I'll drop the gun and when he does I blow his brains out lmao pretty sure he was trying some cheeky cunt shit where he'd then whip out a pistol but as soon as I go to look at his gear someone else shows up and kills me since I guess I look like the bad guy even though 99% of the time I am but hey he shot at me first and then me and cam get lost wandering around in the wilderness in pitch blackness for a while until we get back to town and as cam's shooting zombies in the church a player comes out from the darkness so cam mag dumps on him and I have no bullets left so I run around him annoying him and due to shit gameplay the guy dies but just stands there upright aiming his gun and we have to wait for him to fall over and then we have incoming fire from outside the church so we take cover and I put a flare in my hands and run out to distract him and he starts chasing me so camoron can get him from behind and to keep him interested in me I start singing YOU'RE A FUCKIN GAYBOY YOOUUUU AAAAARE A GAAAAAY BOIIIIIIIIIIIII YOU LIKE TO TOUCH LITTLE CHILDREN, YOU LIKE TO TOUCH LITTLE CHILDREEEEN, YOU LIKE TO MOLEST LITTLE KIDDIES, YOU LIKE TO RAPE BABY BOYS, YOU LIKE TO FUCK LITTLE BABY GIRLS AND YOU LIKE TO FUCK DOGS TOOOOOOOOOO and this guy goes ah yes very good very good! and I ask him what country are you from so I can troll you for it? and he says france so I go france sucks, you surrender, your women are hairy and baguettes are for fucking queers lmao but then the server disconnects and he moonwalks off my screen as I say hes lucky what a good game then tim comes back and says ARE YOU TWO GOING TO PROMISE TO STOP BEING RETARDED AND KILLING ME? and immediately gets angry when we tell him we're on a french server then I find an AK and ask cam do you want to go up on the roof and find someone for me? and tim goes a kid? and cam mutters scope out some children lmao then I spot a fag in the church so I call in cam to distract him and it actually works and we both carefully put two shots each into him which of course doesnt do anything so I simply walk down the center aisle holding down the trigger full auto on him as he takes cover in a corner from cam stopping as a pillar goes in the way and starting again to give him the full mag and he just stands there for a few secs before falling over of course and then we hear tim saying "you're not actually a girl I can hear your mic, it's alright though I'm gay" and then "I like your buttocks its really nice and firm" and then "can you put your hand inside my arse?" and as tim starts leading his new boyfriend towards us I pop some smoke for cover but he runs away but at least I've marked our position for barry and then the three of us team up and run up to the building barrys new fuckboy is hiding in to rape him and tims like HEY SWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOU? HONEYBUN! but then of course I bluescreen and miss the action lmao surprised that doesnt happen more often oh wait its because fuck all anything ever happens in dayz so even though I bluescreened every hour chances of it happening during something fun are still tiny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmlvpC2B2h4
after logging back in two lesbians accost me in a ridiculous gunfight in the church and tim tells me I wont help you though since I got gear now, I've got two assault rifles, if I can get this truck going I can actually get places, actually get somewhere in this game, maybe build my own house, have a family kek and after they kill me and I respawn I kill I think one of the same dykes bandaging and then a nig comes in the church and as I'm angling up my shot I say hey I'm not gonna hurt ya and cam is like you dont sound very convincing as I start blasting kek and then I get trapped in an apartment by zombies and have to employ counter-bullshit measures such as V stepping over a stair railing to jump down and distracting them with smoke grenades and then I find an Irish guy up a firestation tower and I call up I'm friendly so he says come oop to tha top then and then I throw up some more smoke grenades and rush up and dump into him and nothing happens of course and then he shoots at where I was 10 seconds ago lmao and nothing happens either and he yells YA POICE AH SHEET so I run down the stairs before one of his shots hes aiming at where I was in the past happens to sync up to where I am in the present since you have to use time travel logic when playing dayz and as I'm climbing up onto the roof tim is yelling at me for the sever IP stating IM JUST HERE DOING NOTHING, MY LIFE HAS STOPPED HAVING MEANING lmao and then I see this guy through the window so I start blasting at him but of course nothing happens because the glass stops the 40 pellets from my double barreled shotgun and then he runs outside and climbs inside this makeshift iron plated APC that you of course cant just climb into and shoot him in since you cant use guns in vehicles in this stupid game so I try and drive it but its not running so I go back up the tower and get an angle on him through the hatch ontop of it and in real life he'd be so fucking dead since hes literally staring up at me as I fire a shotgun into his head but of course now I'm trying to shoot through TWO windows so it'll DOUBLE not work and unfortunately not cancel each other out and make my pellets teleport through one window and out the other and the cheeky so and so actually invites me in and I say SORRY IM NOT GAY I DONT LIKE GETTING IN TIGHT SPACES WITH MEN but I am actually gay so get inside and hes like SO WHY YA TRYIN TA KILL ME? and I look him straight in the eyes and start ranting about how ILL FUCKING SLIT YOUR THROAT CUNT and he jus goes THATS NOT VERY NICE and I yell to my m8s GUYS GIVE ME A RACIAL SLUR FOR IRISH PEOPLE but remember one myself and yell YOU FUCKING FENIAN BASTARD GO EAT SOME PATATOES and I jump out of the APC just in time for some other cunt to show up and shoot me and I hear the Irish guy yell are you from scotland? so I yell back YES SCOTLANDS BETTER THAN IRELAND then there's some more bullshit where I phase through a wall at a school, press slide down ladder up a huge tower and fall down and down, see a zombie with a nametag that says Man so I say MAN? YOU'RE NOT A MAN! which triggers tim and cam who think I'm talking shit to them lmao then I climb up a tower that shudders like theres an earthquake to look around and when I get down to the bottom theres a guy there who I try and fight aka play run around the Mulberry Bush with but of course none of our bullets effect each other but he starts bleeding so I chase him through the woods screaming shit at him but then his friend shows up and kills me when we reach civilization and is like SEE YA TALKIN ALL DAT GOOD SHIT A MOMENT AGO fucking niggers and then tim asks WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I TOOK THE REMAINING OF MY THERMAL PASTE UP MY BUTTHOLE? and he also says IF MY PARENTS KNEW I WAS PUTTING THIS MUCH TIME INTO A SHIT VIDEO GAME THEY'D BE LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH OUR SON and even MY EYES ARE ACTUALLY STARTING TO GET SORE FROM BEING AWAKE, 72 HOURS STRAIGHT PLAYING A SHIT GAME wow get a life m8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NdiDGLIopA
then on the third day we didnt play for very long since cam was having a mental breakdown over cag which is lucky since my mic was actually being recorded and at a good volume level but of course it was this time desynced which has the amusing effect of making me sound more witty than I actually am since it sounds like I am coming back with comebacks within 1 milisecond when in reality it takes me 5 seconds to come up with anything to say lmao anyway this one starts off with barry and cam already finding a vehicle and racing down the road when I hear timbo holler OH OH OH! OH! I WENT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND INSTEAD OF PRESSING THE LIGHT I PRESS EJECT AND I DIED lmao skill and then a chopper starts flying overhead of cam so I advice him to get on the 50 cal they mentioned on their HMVV so he starts unloading it at the chopper while hollering DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!! it sounds very cool but of course he didnt hit it once then after killing a dude I lay down and notice OH MY GOD I CAN SEE UP MY PANTIES, I THINK SHE LITERALLY HAS NO PANTIES ON, I THINK IM LOOKING AT A VAGINA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE good character models whoever made this Origins mod for a mod of a shit game then after finding some operators operating and getting killed by them I meet up with camoron and I tell him I THINK WE SHOULD GO THIS WAY SINCE THAT IS LITERALLY RU-OH, YOU ARE GOING THE RIGHT WAY, ITS JUST ON MY SCREEN IT SHOWED YOU RUNNING ACROSS A ROAD FOR NO REASON and we hold up in some apartments as people run around outside calling each other niggers and I get too scared to leave and tim informs us that IM NOT SURE IF IM GOING TO FART OR SHIT MY PANTS and cam starts throwing flares at zombies since he has no ammo lmao and it starts attracting other players so I hide in the supermarket and when a guy comes in I mag dump into him and he simply walks backwards out the store unaffected lmao then some autism happens where I see a guy in the darkness and shoot at him but he leans to the side just as I take the shot and dodges his head out the way like some sort of agent in the matrix and he does some dumb animation to hold his hands up in surrender and I shoot him anyway and hes like WHY SHOOT? with a russian accent and then his character doesnt die but does the minute long log out animation and I think its him doing all this and spend a minute yelling shit at him even though he ragequit and cant hear me good game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N95Rgol0y5Y
on the fourth day my mic finally works with no problems anyway first thing that happens is tim yelling jesus fucking christ that scared the living shit out of me NO!!!! I hope I didnt wake my parents and I ask if it's because they'd beat him and he says no they'll be like you're a pathetic loser of a son which is true and since they are on the other side of the map from me I join a Utes server which is a little island it's easy to find people on so its p much PvP all day every day and as I run around actually getting kills since I have a 60 round PP bizon to hold down the trigger on people and spray them with bullets like a garden hose it actually does damage to them fast enough and tim and barry start getting jealous at all the fun I'm having lmao and on my third kill the guy yells OH COME ON MATE IM TRYING TO KILL SPAWN CAMPERS lel well I kill him after he gets knocked out from getting a full cylindrical 60 round mag put in him and wakes up and I have to hold down the ring on his penis and have the kick pull the gun up over his body as I basically bisect him from the groin up with another 60 rounds until he dies then I hear tim telling cam to run by double tapping shift which results in camoron yelling GODDAMN STICKY KEYS! lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjOuibVOiG0
then I join back into their server and run to meet them up in the pitch blackness as cam and barry fight the same guy over and over again and cock up over and over again and when we meet up in a town a guy starts running around yelling REE ROO REE ROO REE ROO REE ROO so I dump on his back to no effect then reload and dump into his chest as he runs away and keep dumping on him as I chase him through an apartment block and cam does the same thing when he goes outside and tim finally gets him after 99999 bullets from all of us good game and then tim shoots another guy and he says thats gavin hes a huge faggot and cam says no he just had a flashlight he wasnt doing anything and tim goes who cares? I fucking hate him lmao then tim spots a pro gamer with a massive machine gun in the graveyard of the church so me and cam do a pincer movement on him but he simply holds down the trigger on both of us and then I come back to life and run back to the area and the guys teammate shoots at me from the hospital roof but I do my zigzags and get inside the church to get the guy who killed me and cam and I shoot him in the head several times but before I have a chance to deacheck him his m8 comes down the stairs and gets me from behind fucking bs game and these guys kill me and tim another time and when I finally find the second operator and dump on him nothing happens but oh when I go inside a restaurant to bandage suddenly he can shoot through the window and get me and on my new life I see a guy and its actually barry whos been kicked for high ping and is doing the stupid surrendering animation and hes talking about how he just saw a guy with lots of weapons, probably me, as I casually headshot him and then only realize it was him lmao FOURTH TIME I'VE KILLED TIMBO and tim says his pings so high because his sister is torrenting so I ADVISE HIM TO FRAME HIS SISTER FOR DOWNLOADING CHILD PORN so she gets arrested and cant torrent anymore then I see the second guy again and try and shoot him through a window that doesnt even have glass in it but it doesnt work and the first guy mows me down chasing him aaaaaaaaaaaaa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-O061QlZLU
as day has broken I load my next character that for some reason turns into a model that looks a lot like daniel craig's james bond lmao and I spot a guy next to a chopper ontop of a high rise apartment roof so I climb up the elevator shaft of the building next to it while humming the mission impossible theme song and I use third person hax to spy on him while hiding on the rooftop and he seems well armed he might be one of the operators who was owning us so bad so I get barry to climb up the other appartment building but when he gets to the top the guy isnt there since THE GUY FELL DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT AND DIED lmao all that stealth gameplay shit for that and as I'm climbing back down extra careful cam says maybe I will look for some new genes and tim asks why do you need new clothes are you a mormon? and I say he meant new genetics to make him not ugly #rekt but then I get stuck in the elevator shaft and have to basically wriggle my ass out backwards for several minutes great game and barry finds the gravesites of some of those operators who were owning us and gets their gear and he goes I'm actually... mildly happy right now? hes so shocked he actually has loot so we gather medical supplies and shit to go on a journey for more military loot but just as we're about to do some serious gaming I get shot at as we've about to leave a hospital and I get an extreme jimmy rustling as I try and have fun by shooting zombies but miss every time and run dry and then I try and loot a grave site but a zombie bullies me and I get really angry and yell at it DONT DO THIS TO ME YOU SHIT ZOMBIE, IM THIS CLOSE TO HAVING FUN but I eventually manage to put a shot gun in my backpack as tim has a go at me about pronouncing czech but then he hears some shots and I run around in circles since he hasnt told me where he's going and when he finally tells me to go to the tree line he calls out OH HES AT THE TOP OF THE HOSPITAL! JUST KEEP RUNNING! and then gunshots start ringing out and I holler OH SHIT! OH GOD OH GOD! PLEASE! PLEASE JIMMY RUSTLING! PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A RUSTLING! PLEASE JESUS! OH FUCKING PLEASE FUCKING THE LORD OF FUCKING! PLEASE! GORILLA! PLEASE SAVE ME! PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH NOT TO GET RUSTLED! and cam is like YOU ARE HEARING THE SOUNDS OF AUTISM and when I get to the treeline tim is trying to check a tent and yell YOU'RE GETTING ATTACKED BY ZOMBIES YOU FUCKING IDIOT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I DONT LIKE IT!!! and cam is like IF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS ON YOUTUBE YOU ARE HEARING THE SOUNDS OF AUTISM, ALSO HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 kek one year too late m8 and tim is like SHUT UP YOU FAT AMERICAN lmao and then guest star unfunny bunny runs past fittingly enough and then cam asks me are you still going to be making these in a years time? and I'm like hell yeah dayz for fucking life matey boy (literally) and after a speed hacking zombie rubber banding at 30mph chases tim up a mountain and hes like I wonder if he's american I'll just chuck a hamburger on the ground we see a clan's base with two houses and a big helicopter and tim is like see ruby when we dont just go around shooting people with makarovs? something interesting can actually happen and as we're running out a guy with an assult rifle appears and hops into an SUV and drives off so I get out my mp5 and hide behind a house but tim just hops straight into their helicopter but it doesnt work so he gets on the mounted door gun just in time for the SUV to come back and start circling us so I hide behind the chopper but tim yells at me to fuck off and then the SUV displays to both of us as crashing into one of their houses and flipping over but of course on his end it didnt really and pops back into existence from the side and then a second enemy turns up and starts shooting at us but tim mows him the fuck down with his machine gun and the driver gets out of his SUV just as tim blows it the fuck up in a hail if bullets which of course doesnt kill the guy and me and him dump on him and my bullets have no effect on him but he kills me just as tim tears him apart with the mounted machine gun and then cam says out of nowhere were you saying I was annoying? and tim is like SHUT THE FUCK UP, CAMORON DO NOT FUCKING TALK OR ILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS CALL and cam is like you cant, I'm the host! and then tim notices these plonkers failed to lock their houses so he starts raiding them for gear and cam is like YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW RETARDED YOU SOUND and I'm like AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE WE HAVE FUN kek and when a third SMEH clanmember fagmaster shows up and tim kills him he hollers WE JUST RUSTLED SOME SERIOUS JIMMIES as the whole clan closse in oh him and cam is like you know what would have been really cool? is if you hadnt ejected from the car the other day so I'm like alright let me counter that... *clears throat*... cag #btfo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4N6QPu0i8U
after I respawn as communist lady gaga tim says I CANT BELIEVE WE JUST FUCKED UP ONE OF THE BEST CLANS ON THIS SERVER and I see the chopper on the apartment is now on fire and when I mention it to tim he gets an idea and goes YOU KNOW WHAT? IM GRABBING A GRENADE AND IM GONNA BLOW UP THE BIG HELICOPTER and he does indeed destroy their chopper lmao but the butthurt brigade shows up and kills him but at least he managed to take one of their guys with him too then I use james holmes tactics on a guy in the church shooting at me by throwing down a smoke bomb in front of the door to cover me breaching it and of course he survives my ambush even though I dump into him and he runs out so I simply run in circles around him shooting him which works and then a nig shows up and I run around him shooting him but his running around in a circle shooting at where the enemy was 5 seconds agofu is stronger than mine and kills me so deciding that running around shooting people in this stupid town is getting old fast I meet up with barry again and we go on a mission to an airfield and after fighting through waves of zombies I climb up a construction site only for my stupid nigger character to start dougieing to the side at random so that I fall off the roof and I yell oooh no you fucking PIECE OF SHIT NIGGER just as I hit the ground lmao then I respawn and spy on two people in the forest from an apartment roof with my binoculars but I know I'll never get them so I just changes servers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4w4ZCzBfI4
after going back to Utes the fun immediately starts as I snipe a mothafucka, snipe a jeep, throw a grenade at a cow I see boat and escape the island Lost style at 10mph as 3 snipers try and shoot me so I yell LEAVE THE SS NIGGER ALONE! RACISM! STOP ATTACKING ME JUST BECAUSE IM BLACK! and I tactically change boats as I get shot at but this one goes at 9mph lmao so I switch to a third and it goes at 10mph again so thats an improvement sort of and then I go on a big epic quest to try and find an aircraft carrier I can see on the map and tim reads out a marco post dissing jon and he says marco's dissing jon, he doesnt even know jon and hes like JON I WOULD LIKE TO CHEW ON YOUR EAR IT LOOKS TASTY and I say that would be funny if it was coming from anyone other than a 60 year old lizard special shout out to marco hi marco fuck you and then cam admits to watching twilight with his mum and tim laughs at him and I say m8 IVE WATCHED TWILIGHT ON MY OWN lmao and while I'm sailing out to this aircraft carrier tim has been spending an hour trying to install this 100mb map file because of his sisters torrenting and it only takes cam like 2 minutes and when I finally get to the aircraft carrier I jump out of my little boat to try and access it but I cant of course even after looking it up online and I cant even get back in the boat I got there on and only then do I notice the other boats that have been abandoned by other players who went on the same fools quest as me lmao so I just change servers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrjhEOO2vxA
this server had a map that took place in the iraqi city of Fallujah the map is just this one huge muzzie city and there are some autist roleplayers setting up a convoy to roleplay with since theres a timer counting down to when PvP starts and I think I spot 4 players and attack them only to realize they're bots from the autists chats so I run over to them and these bots that seem to be like typical DayZ character models maybe they are meant to be in a PMC or something take out zeds for me until I kill one of them and their mates shoot at me and I run off only to see a huge wave of zombies so I run back hollering SAVE ME AI EVEN THOUGH I KILLED YOUR FRIEND A FEW SECOND AGO kek and after shooting the zombies a bot downs me and I try and get a bandage from the dead bot but even more zombies gangbang me to death and when camoron denies that americans always have their air conditioners on when someone plays games with them I come up with a great rhyme that goes AMERICANS ARE FAT *clap clap* AND THEY LOVE TO CLAP *clap clap* and tim is like she probably stopped torrenting and starting to watch some BULLSHIT while I'm dead in this video game FUCK MY LIFE!!! with genuine rage lmao and then he even considers using a piss bottle the sad bastard then there's an interesting moment where at 4:14 I get a bluescreen and fraps recorded it as like the game goes into slow-mo even my voice and a boar running past goes into bullet time and then suddenly this crazy visual digital noise fills the screen like the alienware is trying to call home to its mothership then after the autistic roleplayers mention that PvP is turned on I know what I have to do so I go to a barracks and camp until I hear another player and I get a shotgun out and in the chat I read friendly? so I charge in yelling ALLAH ACKBAR give him three slugs to the torso and scream FUCK AMERICA and in the chat he types "lol nope not friendly" kek but then I'm immediately under siege by zombies so I start popping smoke grenades into the shower while yelling COME ON HERES SOME ZYCLONE B FOR YOU BOYS YOU FUCKING JEW BASTARDS and die taking out kikes like uncle adolf would have wanted then I encounter a squad of american soldier AI so I start singing GOD BLESS AMERICA HOME OF DEAD SOLDIERS as I headshot one who just stares at me before dying and then his mates set off smoke bombs and sit in the trees as I carefully take aim but the milisecond I pull the trigger they whip around and aimbot me brilliant and then I next encounter the taliban fight zombies and even though I third person to stay behind cover and stay low they too start aimbotting me I guess thats how people get good at dayz they play against arma AI which are the biggest hackers in the world that or just install aimbot themselves and as barry is yelling SOME STUPID WHORE IS USING MY INTERNET lmao I am dumping on a guy in the middle of a desert to no effect who in return dumps on me and nothing happens but we both get a mild nosebleed which we sit there banding and staring each other and I want a better spawn so I go up and ask him to just kill me but his gun goes click click click lel and since we have no way of harming each other I deploy alternate methods and go into his backpack and then say I JUST STOLE YOUR WATER BOTTLE BYE and run off lmao rustle jimmies or die tryin motafucka