rubycalaber
08-02-2013, 03:53 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1y1xPN3tbk
this video is boring as sin do not watch it lmao but basically I respawn where barry dropped me off last game and I want to run around in elektro and shoot people since I AM THE ULTIMATE BEAN WARS WARRIOR as tek says but he wants to go on a wee adventure to the north so I stock up on medical supplies for us and tek tells me an idea he has for how to make the game not shit by making your character go to sleep when you log out which would be funny to sneak up on people in their sleep and slit their throats and I try do have some operating fun by throwing a smoke grenade into a church and storming in james holmes style but whoever was in there just logged out lel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XriiPJxyufk
aright jesus this ones half an hour long for some reason and basically what happens is I find an SUV parked in a field which I think is an epic find at first but later on becomes obvious it was hacked in so I go and pick up tek with it let him drive while I invite barry to our chat whos lost the chopper he spent 10 hours total putting together because the server we were on restarted lmao fun gameplay also top lel @ barry saying hes not putting a chopper together again until the game is a full version when THIS VIDEO IS FROM LITERALLY ONE DAY SHORT OF EXACTLY A YEAR AGO and I'm only just getting around to posting this vid and rocket has not even fucking gotten the stand alone into alpha testing yet the lazy cunt and as we're on our way to pick up barry he encounters a certain somebody in a ghillie suit and a G36 which you cant get in the game who murders him even though he offers to suck his dick and after getting stuck on a small rock for two minutes and driving through cherno horn and mic spamming to troll everyone we turn around to pick up barry now hes respawned doing the same shit to elektro and oh shit :siren: COMEDY ALART! COMEDY ALERT! SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS @ 20:16! :siren: when we come up on barry I can tell whats going to happen but play along to not ruin the epin lulz and he spots us and starts talking about our car and teknorat, completely believably might I add since in this game as soon as you see someone you instinctively ignore everything else and just want to murder them, yells OH THERES A PLAYER and I'm like NO ITS BARRY ITS BARRY AAAH! and TEKNORAT RUNS OVER BARRY WITH THE CAR and barry is like AAAAAARGH!!! :barryscream: which is the most timmy tumbled I've ever heard him lmao usually he just sounds sad when he gets killed but that was like when he jumped off the roof and disconnected mid air dat nigga be scurrrrred and teknorat shits himself laughing and I literally forget if it was on purpose or not since tek is a good lier and in any other game it would obviously be a troll but in this game thats the kind of thing that happens all the time and barry goes silent for a bit and when he comes back he says MY MUM CAME IN TO CHECK IF I WAS ALRIGHT :barryuh: hahhaha aww thats sweet actually this time last year it was like a joke to tease him about that his mum came in to see if he was alright because hes screaming at a computer game but thanks to getting to know lizards having a mother who cares about your saftey is not something to be dissed about when some peoples mothers dont give a fuck about them and beat the shit out of them and date drug addicts so thanks lizards for bringing me closer to my friend barry by being extremely pathetic and then barry respawns in cherno but the hacker is still there harassing him and we go to help him but tek thinks it would be funny to drive through a bar which's back door is juuuuuust a bit too tight but I manage to get it back out only for us to get a tire shot out by a sniper and it wont drive for tek so he gets out and runs but I get into the drivers seat and it'll drive for me I guess because either the games shit or its hacked and heals itself but not like when the guy who hacked it in shoots at us and then he dumps AS50 rounds at me until the car blows up and I die lel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC5A9fKABqc
:siren: COMEDY ALERT! COMEDY ALERT! SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS AT 01:57! :siren: where a helicopter spawns above me and I yell for a lift so THE CHOPPER PILOT FLIPS IT UPSIDE DOWN AND LANDS IT ROTORS FIRST INTO ME AND EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL AND IM LIKE OOOOH OOH GOD OH SHIT FUCK AAAAAAAAH HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!! so you finally know what happens after the cutaway from my dayz trailer and of course I leave in my explaining what just happened if I gave a fuck I'd re-edit these videos but I do not and then barry gets teleported to the north west airfield and the only item he has equipped is a car horn you can parp and he goes on a big rant about how IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON THE LITTLE NERDY FAGGOTS I WOULD SQUEEZE THEIR NECK :barryorly: and I can tell some bullshits about to happen to me since my weapon changes to a horn too and then suddenly my vision changes to first person and when I go back into third IM A GOAT AND THEN I GET TELEPORTED TO SOME WEIRD MILITARY BASE AND START YELLING AT THE HACKER TO SAY NO TO ANIMAL ABUSE AND THREATENING TO RAM HIM WITH MY GOAT HORNS which I guess is what endears me to him since he doesnt shoot me or anything and this is where these videos take on a very surreal trippy quality since you know I'm turning into a fucking goat and theres no sense of space because I get teleported around and there's no sense of time because I'm used to watching these videos back having been edited but most of this gameplay footage is unedited and in real-time and I think the most subtly off putting bit is I am trying to endear myself to this guy on purpose so he'll keep doing funny shit for my videos and anyone who does this shit is obviously a gay faggot so I am overstating how funny it is throughout just to keep him invested in showing me new shit so I'm slightly more gratingly annoying than usual and it really is like some sort of fever dream that goes on forever and drifts between all these bizzare situations with talking animals and being lost at sea I think when we get the technology to record dreams this is the kind of shit you'd get after someones scoffed a brick of cheese and this guys name in the game is Snoop Lion I think I'll refer to him as that as opposed to Cow which is his steam name which I find out later so I dont cause confusion since theres a lot of actual cows involved in this like when he turns someone into one and teleports him to us and as soon as I respond to him in the chat HE TURNS ME INTO AN ALSATIAN, OH MY GOD IM THE CALL OF DUTY DOG and somehow barry, the master of autism, knows if you hold shift you can run as a dog lmao WHO LETS THE DOGS OUT HURF HURF HURF HURF DURF but apparently he regrets letting the dog out and teleports me to the shore and paralyzes me so I cant run off and tells me UR MY DOG, I WILL ANIMAL ABUSE U IF U REFUSE so I agree since a man raping a dog is cruel but theres literally nothing wrong with a dog fucking a human if it wants and then he pulls out a gun from no-where and teleports me away you know what I just realized? this game session was so weird because it was like being the dream character in a lucid dreamers dream, you are minding your own business walking around an unrealistic simulation for no reason when suddenly a guy starts teleporting you around and turning you into animals with weird sexual underdones anyway then I literally learn to sit and want his approval and I get scared when he leaves in case he comes back so now I'm getting dog feels lmao and I guess he can only teleport people to him so he has to TP there first and then TP me to him because he takes me to cherno and starts climbing the ladder up there and barrys actually up there but the useless bogan is unconscious so he just logs out when I warn him I was hoping barry could kill him since that would be fucking funny but it turns out he actually saw barry was up there on his hacker map that tells him where everyone is like the marauders map from harry potter and was going to murder him and hes probably immortal so whatever and when he TPs me up there since I'm a dog and cant use a fucking ladder it looks like someone crashed a fucking chopper into barry and two other guys lmao and then he starts teleporting us near other players and he tells me to flush them out for him by running up to them and barking and I think he means like an in-game thing at first but I just run up to people and start yelling BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK IM A FUCKING DOG BARK BARK BARK BARK at them in direct chat which seems to do the trick in freaking them the fuck out but when I try it on a nigger in a firstation by running around him yelling IM A FIREDOG GET OUT OF THE FIRSTATION ONLY FIRE POLICE ARE ALLOWED IN HERE YOU NIGGER HE JUST KILLS ME WITH HIS AXE :nedm: ANIMAL ABUSE!!! :fffffff: and then I guess it's not true that all dogs go to heaven since I go to the debug plains and run around bothering the people who have failed to load in or whatever but then Snoop Lion TPs me back to him and I LITERALLY START FUCKING THE GUY WHO KILLED ME'S DEAD BODY WITH MY DOG, I GIVE HIS CORPSE A ROUGH KNOTTING RIGHT UP THE ARSE and then he tries to TP barry to fuck with him but little does he know tim is the expert of alt+F4ing and escaped immediately and he was the last person in the server we trolled everyone else out with our dogknotting so I tell him to add me on steam so we can find another server together
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YldfZvKGo1I
then after roleplaying as a dead dog for a bit on this new server I hear his voice for the first time and hes a very obviously underage americlapper and then we scare another player by running up to them and going ARF ARF ARF ARF FAGGOT POLICE WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR BEING A FAGGOT BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK wow! it's like I'm really playing call of duty: ghosts! and then he turns himself into a dog and I try to give him the knot but he teleports away and comes back as a goat and then I decide to get a confession on tape and ask him how he does this shit and his answer is "........hack" lmao but I ask him how and he says I BUY THEM, GO TO THISGAMESUCKS.NET AND DAMNCHEATERS.COM THOSE ARE THE HACKS I USE, THEYRE 15 BUCKS FOR 2 WEEKS, 20 BUCKS FOR 1 MONTH, 30 BUCKS FOR 3 MONTHS AND 65 BUCKS FOR LIFETIME so there we go, straight from the goats mouth, a dog getting a goat to confess to paying for hacks, thats how fucking sad hackers are, they literally give their credit cards to websites for them, wow, I think this is kind of the climax of these videos, because it really is like some sort of nightmare, staring a goat in the face as it tells me it pays for hax for a walking sim, its kind of the climax because this whole thing is fucking horrible, and this is as low as it gets, I dont even want to think about what this poor kids real life is like, he must get raped by his dad every day to have to fucking pay to have power in a shit video game, anyway then he turns himself into a dog and whisks us away to harass some more people by running around going OOF OOF OOF OOF OOF IM A PROFESSIONAL FAGGOT SNIFFING DOG AND YOU'RE UNDER ARREST OOF OFF OOF OOF OOF OOF OOF but the next time he insists we dont use english and only bark so they think it is a real in-game thing and this was when my throat started to hurt from pretending to be a dog so much lmao, now I know what it feels like to be a furry and the next guys we try it on actually find it funny I think everyone else is like fuck this and disconnects since obviously theres hacker shit going on and they dont want to get hacked any worse but these guys tell us THATS FUCKING HILARIOUS GUYS even though I threatened to dogknot them lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OAvpHOHU1M
if you thought me running around roleplaying a dog with some poor kid who pays for hacks for a walking sim was weird you aint seen shit yet it somehow gets worse when he turns us into cows and we start harassing some asian bloke who salutes and says I PRAY TO THE COW GODS AND THEN HE CRAWLS UNDER US AND STARTS TAKING OUR COW DICKS UP HIS ARSE AND HE SAYS "OH GOD IM BLEEDING OUT MY ASSHOLE" WHILE I MOO IN AROUSAL AND THEN HE GETS TURNED INTO A COW, WE'RE PARENTS NOW, WE'VE HAD A COW BABY, BY RAPING A HUMAN UNTIL HE TURNED INTO A COW and then he TPs another guy over and turns the four of us into dogs again and shit gets crufts up in this nigga where I teach my fellow pack members how to sit lmao but then he turns us all into girls and WE HAVE A GROUP MASTURBATION SESSION TOGETHER SITTING IN A CIRCLE before he spawns a chopper that cant take off in the woods so he spawns it with us all inside up in the air but then he cant turn it on fast enough and it falls through the tree canopy with massive explosions providing a great clip for my dayz trailer and everyone but me seems to be able to eject and I get stuck under a tree but thankfully Snoop Lion drags me away from the crash site to safety only for it to do the paralyzing thing I did to Stomple and leaves me sitting in place as a paraplegic since I guess I woke up in his arms or something so he has to just keep dragging me away but then the server lags out to comedic effect as his head keeps bobbing in the air which I laugh at for literally five minutes straight this is the weirdest game session of my life, it really is like a decent into insanity or something and after finding a new server he spawns that military base thing and teleports some people in but theres no guns so we just run around confused and I meet some poor gay sounding guy asking where we are lol and the he shoots me and on my next character he spawns a helicopter over me to pick me up but THE DUMB RETARD CRASHES IT STRAIGHT INTO THE TOP OF A TREE and hes like OH SHIT OOPS FUCK this is why I'm glad I got to ride in a chopper legitimately with barry last game because this just takes all the mystery out of it now I know hackers can just push a button and have one appear I'd never fucking do all that bullshit to like find glass for two hours straight and then slowly refuel it can by can and next time he gets me in a chopper he TPs us over electro and says we're going to divebomb the firestation some people are in and we get the great moment from my dayz trailer where he tells me when he says eject I eject so I get the thing selected and hes like EJECT! EJECT! EJECT! AND I JUMP OUT AND MY PARACHUTE PULLS OPEN JUST AS THE CHOPPER CRASHES STRAIGHT INTO THE TOWER 9/11 STYLE BUT I GET CAUGHT IN THE EXPLOSION AND PASS OUT ON THE GROUND lmao and I'm really fucked up and was thinking to tell this guy just to load me a new character but I wanted to take the opportunity to get some good gear off of him so talked him into spawning shit and this crate of every piece of equipment in the game x100 appears in front of us and just as I've filled up on an M249 and all the ammo I could need this guy spawns a helicopter but it phases into a fence and flips over when he tries to power it up and IT SMASHES INTO THE FIRESTATION AND BLOWS UP AND LEVELS THE ENTIRE BUILDING KILLING US
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgojM3KEy20
and yet it STILL gets weirder, the decent into madness continues, as on my next life I'm teleported out into the open ocean beside a helicopter with some other guy but when Snoop Lion jumps out of the chopper IT FALLS INTO THE WATER AND THE ROTORS SAW ALL OF OUR HEADS OFF lmao then I get TP'd out to sea and an especially whiney americlap who I'll come to know as Mitchel who is asking to just get his "punishment" (you'll realize why he uses that word soon) over wish because hes already lost all his gear after we fucking crashed a helicopter into him lmao and Snoop Lion is sailing around in a PMX that I cant get in so he TPs us to land so I can get into this fucking boat due to fun gameplay and then TPs us back out to Mitchel who's now got his zombie faced m8 with him and we sail around them taunting them to try and get on the boat knowing that they cant due to shit game mechanics and and the zombie guys username is ADOLF CRITLER lmao THATS HILARIOUS, HITLERIOUS EVEN but he doesnt get on since remember the 6 million and then they try to get snippy with us and say ooh I bet you're having lots of fun right now and I have to explain to them that the point of this game is to get other people as miserable as possible and Mitchel realizes that if he leaves this server and goes to another one he'll still be stuck 5000 meters out in the ocean so if we just leave him there we've actually improved his life by preventing him from playing DayZ lmao but it also means they are totally at our mercy and I am trolling the fuck outta these guys as they're trying to talk us into getting on our boat and Snoop Lion drops the fierce pokemon based disses and then hes like SAY "IM A WHINY LITTLE BITCH AND I LIKE TO SUCK DICK" AND WE'LL LET YOU IN THE BOAT and Mitchel says I CANT CUSS, THATS AGAINST MY... and Adolf is like YEAH I CAN'T SWEAR ITS AGAINST MY... and Mitchel is like NO KEVIN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU'RE AN ATHEIST and I'm like OOOH YOU'RE A CHRISTFAG ARE YA?!! ALRIGHT ADMIT GOD DOESNT EXIST AND YOU'LL GET LET ON THE BOAT, ADMIT GOD DOESNT EXIST AND WE'LL BRING YOU BACK TO SHORE hahaha this really is so bizzare to watch like this is the first time in the whole game I've met, not only a random hacker who I've somehow made friends with, but a completely random dude who is actually using his microphone consistently and we can both understand each other and he actually has something resembling a personality with his own beliefs and relationships, it really is like some psychedelic cheese dream and we were just looking for something humiliating to get them to do and he hands it to us on a platter amazing and we troll him about that and Adolf/Kevin is like ILL SAY GOD DOESNT EXIST, IM AN ATHEIST SIR! selling out Mitchel lmao so Snoop says he can get on the boat but as soon as hes swam over HE KILLS HIM WITH HIS HACKER POWERS LMAO and then we try to break Mitchel some more but unlike atheists he's not a coward and would rather be left out at sea to slowly starve to death than say a no no word and make the virgin mary cry so we sail off but as we're leaving Kevin stands up on the water and I'm like OH SHIT ITS JESUS WALKING ON WATER GOD DOES EXIST holy fuck I am funny and then we teleport to another boat out in the ocean that Snoop's spawned for some other guys and try to talk to him but they're not talkative so Snoop forces them to exit the boat with his hax but the boat keeps driving forwards and one of the crew starts running on top of it trying to stay with it but falls off lel and then we TP back to Mitchel patiently waiting for god to answer his prayers (aka never) and I try talking him into killing himself in real life but he says YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE so he's stuck playing shitty games for life unfortunately thanks God and as I'm talking shit to this guy he keeps having to tell Kevin to shut up who I guess is yacking away to him on teamspeak or some autistic VOIP program and I know that feel god it is weird to meet someone with an actual personality in a game and to fucking strand then in open water lmao and he says he'll just leave his computer on so he'll starve to death and I was like oh so you admit you have no life and his response to the accusation of having no life is no I'll leave my computer on WHILE I GO AND BROWSE REDDIT hahaha and then I try to get him to admit reddit sucks since thats literally worse than believing in god and when I try to get him to say 4chan is better HE GOES OH GOD, THEY'RE 4CHAN DUDES!!! AND STARTS SWIMMING AWAY FROM US lmao anon is legun bitch and then I start quizzing him about gays and apparently he doesnt hate gays and even though gay sex is a sin that sends you to hell not all gay fags are gonna go to hell since anyone can change and even if they dont its up to god where they go hes not one to judge anyone which are good answers tbh other than being a christian and everything and then we get a sign that god does exist when IT STARTS RAINING HUNDREDS OF PARACHUTING COWS and I'm like OH LOOK, A MINDLESS HERD, YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN BEING A CHRISTIAN and Mitchel starts giving a running commentary to his gay boyfriend OK KEVIN, KEVIN LOOK, THERES JUST THESE TWO GUYS IN A BOAT HARASSING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, A HOLE BUNCH OF PARACHUTES ARE UP IN THE AIR-OH WHAT THE FREAK THEY'RE ANIMALS! lmao but we have to teleport away because all the floating cows are lagging out Snoop Lion's computer rofl and then Adolf Critler rejoins the server even though Mitchel warned him and we TP him back out to see and now that I have heard his real name I start telling him I'm hacking him and getting his dox lmao and then he swims off moaning to Mitchel about us its hilarious that we can hear alternating sides of their private conversation because they have their broadcasts set to perma-open
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHAn2Wb-pHY
and then Snoop Lion teleports the four of us to some island thats just an empty lump of grass but Mitch and Kevin are paralyzed so we can rape them all we want and when I threaten to kill Mitch irl by tracing his IP as you do he says IT MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE IM AT KEVINS HOUSE lmao so I'm ruining yet another LAN party, if those five guys in the firestation were at a LAN party I am officially a LAN party serial killer since these guys are my third LAN party victims oh wait he said his cousins house ok nix that joke never mind and Mitchel is spinning in place since Snoop spawned Kevin under him in the ocean so hes the only one who can look behind them and see Snoop flying a chopper around and I get to suck Kevin off and he cant do anything about it lmao and then Snoop crashes his chopper and just walks out from the explosion in a badass manner so we can harass these guys and Mitchel tells us he thinks GOD FEELS PRETTY GOOD BECAUSE ONE OF HIS FOLLOWERS DEFENDED FOR HIM lmao God confirmed for mega-caring about the goings on in a broken walking sim and after I ride about on an ATV for a bit Snoop says I DONT WANT TO BE ON FAGGOT ISLAND WITH THIS FAGGOT and he spawns some parachuting cows to keep Kevin company but I start shooting the shit with Kevin about alienwares since he has one too lmao this was ONE fucking day short of exactly a year ago and I'm moaning about my bluescreening and saying I'll buy a new one but I have only just ordered it and it hasnt even gotten here yet brilliant and then Snoop does some cool thing where he teleports everyone in the server out to sea and it looked awesome all these people cascading over each other but I bluescreen and when he does it again half the people have disconnected so it doesnt look as cool but one guy yells HEY LOOK, ITS SNOOP SHITTY! so they've met him before on another server lmao this guy is ruining the entire fucking game and random people are starting to recognize him lulz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KlSmGNL4rc
then we find a new server to do the spawning everyone in the game out at sea gag again and there is a cacophony of rustled jimmies over mics but one that stands out is like some Japanese guy ranting at us so I tell him THIS IS FOR PEARL HARBOR lmao which is literally what americans said when Japan got tsunami'd and then we just sail backwards as he fiddles to get on the boat as I hurl every racial slur for asians I can remember like GO EAT SOME DOGS YOU CHINK GOOK NIP ZIPPERHEAD and then we harass some other guy who plays along when I tell him we're the HIV+ gay men's cruise and we have some Top Banter™ but he bleeds to death in the water and Snoop has spawned us a fishing boat he takes over to another guy stranded in the ocean and we let him on but he refuses to pay the dick sucking tax and disconnects so he TPs the other guy back out to sea and he climbs onboard and he seems determined to not get rustled by us and just rolls with the punches whenever I am an obnoxious prick and he tries to like disarm me by not engaging in my shittalking and getting to know me by asking where I'm from and it works lmao and as if these videos couldnt get any more surreal we just hang out and shoot the shit about forrest gump, how americans think europe is one country, if there's cotton in africa and jenkem for literally ten minutes straight and I try to use my one talking point about the olympics which didnt work on tek and wont work on this guy since no one fucking watched it and then Snoop Lion airdrops some more cows over us and this guy jokes about how that should be a food shipman for africa to save the starving niggers lmao this dude is funny and then Snoop TPs away so I take command of the ship and go for a nice wee sail while I explain to this guy how I've only been rolling with a hacker for one hour lol and we bond over how terrible the game is we play hes like OH DUDE, I'VE HAD MY LEGS BROKEN BY A RAIL ROAD TRACK wow thats a new one and hes also been damaged by throwing a tin can haha christ but our fun is cut short when Snoop Lion gives me one final hurrah of "fun" by teleporting us back into the military base thunderdome place and I remember literally missing the guy on the boat since he was literally a funny cool guy and I wanted Snoop to teleport him over here since I'd rather talk to him than this gay 15 year old but he just says it sucks for him being back in the boat and tells me to pick a weapon so we can fight and he'll turn off his hax to make it fair but of course the fucking triangles kick in during the closest thing these Let's Plays have gotten to a final boss fight and I pick an MP5 and he starts a fog horn blazing and I'm like LET THE BODIES HIT THE... FLOOOR so I just dump a mag into the triangles where I last saw him and run around a thing and when I see him I almost get a shot off but he kills me so clearly he turned his hax back on lmao and then I have a fun wee game of shooting zombies by myself waiting for Snoop to give me the hacker loot he said he'd fix me up with but he never did the cheeky cunt so yeah that was that a surreal dreamlike journey into the cruel, bizzare, homoerotic and pathetic life of a hacker who pays for hacks actually hes not even a hacker hes a script kiddy a script kiddy whos actually a kid and buys his scripts where I was a goat, a dog and a cow, had a group masturbation session with three other women, was in three helicopter crashes, tried to force a christian to convert to athiesm by stranding him in the open ocean and made a friend on a fishing boat
this video is boring as sin do not watch it lmao but basically I respawn where barry dropped me off last game and I want to run around in elektro and shoot people since I AM THE ULTIMATE BEAN WARS WARRIOR as tek says but he wants to go on a wee adventure to the north so I stock up on medical supplies for us and tek tells me an idea he has for how to make the game not shit by making your character go to sleep when you log out which would be funny to sneak up on people in their sleep and slit their throats and I try do have some operating fun by throwing a smoke grenade into a church and storming in james holmes style but whoever was in there just logged out lel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XriiPJxyufk
aright jesus this ones half an hour long for some reason and basically what happens is I find an SUV parked in a field which I think is an epic find at first but later on becomes obvious it was hacked in so I go and pick up tek with it let him drive while I invite barry to our chat whos lost the chopper he spent 10 hours total putting together because the server we were on restarted lmao fun gameplay also top lel @ barry saying hes not putting a chopper together again until the game is a full version when THIS VIDEO IS FROM LITERALLY ONE DAY SHORT OF EXACTLY A YEAR AGO and I'm only just getting around to posting this vid and rocket has not even fucking gotten the stand alone into alpha testing yet the lazy cunt and as we're on our way to pick up barry he encounters a certain somebody in a ghillie suit and a G36 which you cant get in the game who murders him even though he offers to suck his dick and after getting stuck on a small rock for two minutes and driving through cherno horn and mic spamming to troll everyone we turn around to pick up barry now hes respawned doing the same shit to elektro and oh shit :siren: COMEDY ALART! COMEDY ALERT! SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS @ 20:16! :siren: when we come up on barry I can tell whats going to happen but play along to not ruin the epin lulz and he spots us and starts talking about our car and teknorat, completely believably might I add since in this game as soon as you see someone you instinctively ignore everything else and just want to murder them, yells OH THERES A PLAYER and I'm like NO ITS BARRY ITS BARRY AAAH! and TEKNORAT RUNS OVER BARRY WITH THE CAR and barry is like AAAAAARGH!!! :barryscream: which is the most timmy tumbled I've ever heard him lmao usually he just sounds sad when he gets killed but that was like when he jumped off the roof and disconnected mid air dat nigga be scurrrrred and teknorat shits himself laughing and I literally forget if it was on purpose or not since tek is a good lier and in any other game it would obviously be a troll but in this game thats the kind of thing that happens all the time and barry goes silent for a bit and when he comes back he says MY MUM CAME IN TO CHECK IF I WAS ALRIGHT :barryuh: hahhaha aww thats sweet actually this time last year it was like a joke to tease him about that his mum came in to see if he was alright because hes screaming at a computer game but thanks to getting to know lizards having a mother who cares about your saftey is not something to be dissed about when some peoples mothers dont give a fuck about them and beat the shit out of them and date drug addicts so thanks lizards for bringing me closer to my friend barry by being extremely pathetic and then barry respawns in cherno but the hacker is still there harassing him and we go to help him but tek thinks it would be funny to drive through a bar which's back door is juuuuuust a bit too tight but I manage to get it back out only for us to get a tire shot out by a sniper and it wont drive for tek so he gets out and runs but I get into the drivers seat and it'll drive for me I guess because either the games shit or its hacked and heals itself but not like when the guy who hacked it in shoots at us and then he dumps AS50 rounds at me until the car blows up and I die lel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC5A9fKABqc
:siren: COMEDY ALERT! COMEDY ALERT! SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENS AT 01:57! :siren: where a helicopter spawns above me and I yell for a lift so THE CHOPPER PILOT FLIPS IT UPSIDE DOWN AND LANDS IT ROTORS FIRST INTO ME AND EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL AND IM LIKE OOOOH OOH GOD OH SHIT FUCK AAAAAAAAH HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!! so you finally know what happens after the cutaway from my dayz trailer and of course I leave in my explaining what just happened if I gave a fuck I'd re-edit these videos but I do not and then barry gets teleported to the north west airfield and the only item he has equipped is a car horn you can parp and he goes on a big rant about how IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON THE LITTLE NERDY FAGGOTS I WOULD SQUEEZE THEIR NECK :barryorly: and I can tell some bullshits about to happen to me since my weapon changes to a horn too and then suddenly my vision changes to first person and when I go back into third IM A GOAT AND THEN I GET TELEPORTED TO SOME WEIRD MILITARY BASE AND START YELLING AT THE HACKER TO SAY NO TO ANIMAL ABUSE AND THREATENING TO RAM HIM WITH MY GOAT HORNS which I guess is what endears me to him since he doesnt shoot me or anything and this is where these videos take on a very surreal trippy quality since you know I'm turning into a fucking goat and theres no sense of space because I get teleported around and there's no sense of time because I'm used to watching these videos back having been edited but most of this gameplay footage is unedited and in real-time and I think the most subtly off putting bit is I am trying to endear myself to this guy on purpose so he'll keep doing funny shit for my videos and anyone who does this shit is obviously a gay faggot so I am overstating how funny it is throughout just to keep him invested in showing me new shit so I'm slightly more gratingly annoying than usual and it really is like some sort of fever dream that goes on forever and drifts between all these bizzare situations with talking animals and being lost at sea I think when we get the technology to record dreams this is the kind of shit you'd get after someones scoffed a brick of cheese and this guys name in the game is Snoop Lion I think I'll refer to him as that as opposed to Cow which is his steam name which I find out later so I dont cause confusion since theres a lot of actual cows involved in this like when he turns someone into one and teleports him to us and as soon as I respond to him in the chat HE TURNS ME INTO AN ALSATIAN, OH MY GOD IM THE CALL OF DUTY DOG and somehow barry, the master of autism, knows if you hold shift you can run as a dog lmao WHO LETS THE DOGS OUT HURF HURF HURF HURF DURF but apparently he regrets letting the dog out and teleports me to the shore and paralyzes me so I cant run off and tells me UR MY DOG, I WILL ANIMAL ABUSE U IF U REFUSE so I agree since a man raping a dog is cruel but theres literally nothing wrong with a dog fucking a human if it wants and then he pulls out a gun from no-where and teleports me away you know what I just realized? this game session was so weird because it was like being the dream character in a lucid dreamers dream, you are minding your own business walking around an unrealistic simulation for no reason when suddenly a guy starts teleporting you around and turning you into animals with weird sexual underdones anyway then I literally learn to sit and want his approval and I get scared when he leaves in case he comes back so now I'm getting dog feels lmao and I guess he can only teleport people to him so he has to TP there first and then TP me to him because he takes me to cherno and starts climbing the ladder up there and barrys actually up there but the useless bogan is unconscious so he just logs out when I warn him I was hoping barry could kill him since that would be fucking funny but it turns out he actually saw barry was up there on his hacker map that tells him where everyone is like the marauders map from harry potter and was going to murder him and hes probably immortal so whatever and when he TPs me up there since I'm a dog and cant use a fucking ladder it looks like someone crashed a fucking chopper into barry and two other guys lmao and then he starts teleporting us near other players and he tells me to flush them out for him by running up to them and barking and I think he means like an in-game thing at first but I just run up to people and start yelling BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK IM A FUCKING DOG BARK BARK BARK BARK at them in direct chat which seems to do the trick in freaking them the fuck out but when I try it on a nigger in a firstation by running around him yelling IM A FIREDOG GET OUT OF THE FIRSTATION ONLY FIRE POLICE ARE ALLOWED IN HERE YOU NIGGER HE JUST KILLS ME WITH HIS AXE :nedm: ANIMAL ABUSE!!! :fffffff: and then I guess it's not true that all dogs go to heaven since I go to the debug plains and run around bothering the people who have failed to load in or whatever but then Snoop Lion TPs me back to him and I LITERALLY START FUCKING THE GUY WHO KILLED ME'S DEAD BODY WITH MY DOG, I GIVE HIS CORPSE A ROUGH KNOTTING RIGHT UP THE ARSE and then he tries to TP barry to fuck with him but little does he know tim is the expert of alt+F4ing and escaped immediately and he was the last person in the server we trolled everyone else out with our dogknotting so I tell him to add me on steam so we can find another server together
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YldfZvKGo1I
then after roleplaying as a dead dog for a bit on this new server I hear his voice for the first time and hes a very obviously underage americlapper and then we scare another player by running up to them and going ARF ARF ARF ARF FAGGOT POLICE WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR BEING A FAGGOT BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK wow! it's like I'm really playing call of duty: ghosts! and then he turns himself into a dog and I try to give him the knot but he teleports away and comes back as a goat and then I decide to get a confession on tape and ask him how he does this shit and his answer is "........hack" lmao but I ask him how and he says I BUY THEM, GO TO THISGAMESUCKS.NET AND DAMNCHEATERS.COM THOSE ARE THE HACKS I USE, THEYRE 15 BUCKS FOR 2 WEEKS, 20 BUCKS FOR 1 MONTH, 30 BUCKS FOR 3 MONTHS AND 65 BUCKS FOR LIFETIME so there we go, straight from the goats mouth, a dog getting a goat to confess to paying for hacks, thats how fucking sad hackers are, they literally give their credit cards to websites for them, wow, I think this is kind of the climax of these videos, because it really is like some sort of nightmare, staring a goat in the face as it tells me it pays for hax for a walking sim, its kind of the climax because this whole thing is fucking horrible, and this is as low as it gets, I dont even want to think about what this poor kids real life is like, he must get raped by his dad every day to have to fucking pay to have power in a shit video game, anyway then he turns himself into a dog and whisks us away to harass some more people by running around going OOF OOF OOF OOF OOF IM A PROFESSIONAL FAGGOT SNIFFING DOG AND YOU'RE UNDER ARREST OOF OFF OOF OOF OOF OOF OOF but the next time he insists we dont use english and only bark so they think it is a real in-game thing and this was when my throat started to hurt from pretending to be a dog so much lmao, now I know what it feels like to be a furry and the next guys we try it on actually find it funny I think everyone else is like fuck this and disconnects since obviously theres hacker shit going on and they dont want to get hacked any worse but these guys tell us THATS FUCKING HILARIOUS GUYS even though I threatened to dogknot them lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OAvpHOHU1M
if you thought me running around roleplaying a dog with some poor kid who pays for hacks for a walking sim was weird you aint seen shit yet it somehow gets worse when he turns us into cows and we start harassing some asian bloke who salutes and says I PRAY TO THE COW GODS AND THEN HE CRAWLS UNDER US AND STARTS TAKING OUR COW DICKS UP HIS ARSE AND HE SAYS "OH GOD IM BLEEDING OUT MY ASSHOLE" WHILE I MOO IN AROUSAL AND THEN HE GETS TURNED INTO A COW, WE'RE PARENTS NOW, WE'VE HAD A COW BABY, BY RAPING A HUMAN UNTIL HE TURNED INTO A COW and then he TPs another guy over and turns the four of us into dogs again and shit gets crufts up in this nigga where I teach my fellow pack members how to sit lmao but then he turns us all into girls and WE HAVE A GROUP MASTURBATION SESSION TOGETHER SITTING IN A CIRCLE before he spawns a chopper that cant take off in the woods so he spawns it with us all inside up in the air but then he cant turn it on fast enough and it falls through the tree canopy with massive explosions providing a great clip for my dayz trailer and everyone but me seems to be able to eject and I get stuck under a tree but thankfully Snoop Lion drags me away from the crash site to safety only for it to do the paralyzing thing I did to Stomple and leaves me sitting in place as a paraplegic since I guess I woke up in his arms or something so he has to just keep dragging me away but then the server lags out to comedic effect as his head keeps bobbing in the air which I laugh at for literally five minutes straight this is the weirdest game session of my life, it really is like a decent into insanity or something and after finding a new server he spawns that military base thing and teleports some people in but theres no guns so we just run around confused and I meet some poor gay sounding guy asking where we are lol and the he shoots me and on my next character he spawns a helicopter over me to pick me up but THE DUMB RETARD CRASHES IT STRAIGHT INTO THE TOP OF A TREE and hes like OH SHIT OOPS FUCK this is why I'm glad I got to ride in a chopper legitimately with barry last game because this just takes all the mystery out of it now I know hackers can just push a button and have one appear I'd never fucking do all that bullshit to like find glass for two hours straight and then slowly refuel it can by can and next time he gets me in a chopper he TPs us over electro and says we're going to divebomb the firestation some people are in and we get the great moment from my dayz trailer where he tells me when he says eject I eject so I get the thing selected and hes like EJECT! EJECT! EJECT! AND I JUMP OUT AND MY PARACHUTE PULLS OPEN JUST AS THE CHOPPER CRASHES STRAIGHT INTO THE TOWER 9/11 STYLE BUT I GET CAUGHT IN THE EXPLOSION AND PASS OUT ON THE GROUND lmao and I'm really fucked up and was thinking to tell this guy just to load me a new character but I wanted to take the opportunity to get some good gear off of him so talked him into spawning shit and this crate of every piece of equipment in the game x100 appears in front of us and just as I've filled up on an M249 and all the ammo I could need this guy spawns a helicopter but it phases into a fence and flips over when he tries to power it up and IT SMASHES INTO THE FIRESTATION AND BLOWS UP AND LEVELS THE ENTIRE BUILDING KILLING US
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgojM3KEy20
and yet it STILL gets weirder, the decent into madness continues, as on my next life I'm teleported out into the open ocean beside a helicopter with some other guy but when Snoop Lion jumps out of the chopper IT FALLS INTO THE WATER AND THE ROTORS SAW ALL OF OUR HEADS OFF lmao then I get TP'd out to sea and an especially whiney americlap who I'll come to know as Mitchel who is asking to just get his "punishment" (you'll realize why he uses that word soon) over wish because hes already lost all his gear after we fucking crashed a helicopter into him lmao and Snoop Lion is sailing around in a PMX that I cant get in so he TPs us to land so I can get into this fucking boat due to fun gameplay and then TPs us back out to Mitchel who's now got his zombie faced m8 with him and we sail around them taunting them to try and get on the boat knowing that they cant due to shit game mechanics and and the zombie guys username is ADOLF CRITLER lmao THATS HILARIOUS, HITLERIOUS EVEN but he doesnt get on since remember the 6 million and then they try to get snippy with us and say ooh I bet you're having lots of fun right now and I have to explain to them that the point of this game is to get other people as miserable as possible and Mitchel realizes that if he leaves this server and goes to another one he'll still be stuck 5000 meters out in the ocean so if we just leave him there we've actually improved his life by preventing him from playing DayZ lmao but it also means they are totally at our mercy and I am trolling the fuck outta these guys as they're trying to talk us into getting on our boat and Snoop Lion drops the fierce pokemon based disses and then hes like SAY "IM A WHINY LITTLE BITCH AND I LIKE TO SUCK DICK" AND WE'LL LET YOU IN THE BOAT and Mitchel says I CANT CUSS, THATS AGAINST MY... and Adolf is like YEAH I CAN'T SWEAR ITS AGAINST MY... and Mitchel is like NO KEVIN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU'RE AN ATHEIST and I'm like OOOH YOU'RE A CHRISTFAG ARE YA?!! ALRIGHT ADMIT GOD DOESNT EXIST AND YOU'LL GET LET ON THE BOAT, ADMIT GOD DOESNT EXIST AND WE'LL BRING YOU BACK TO SHORE hahaha this really is so bizzare to watch like this is the first time in the whole game I've met, not only a random hacker who I've somehow made friends with, but a completely random dude who is actually using his microphone consistently and we can both understand each other and he actually has something resembling a personality with his own beliefs and relationships, it really is like some psychedelic cheese dream and we were just looking for something humiliating to get them to do and he hands it to us on a platter amazing and we troll him about that and Adolf/Kevin is like ILL SAY GOD DOESNT EXIST, IM AN ATHEIST SIR! selling out Mitchel lmao so Snoop says he can get on the boat but as soon as hes swam over HE KILLS HIM WITH HIS HACKER POWERS LMAO and then we try to break Mitchel some more but unlike atheists he's not a coward and would rather be left out at sea to slowly starve to death than say a no no word and make the virgin mary cry so we sail off but as we're leaving Kevin stands up on the water and I'm like OH SHIT ITS JESUS WALKING ON WATER GOD DOES EXIST holy fuck I am funny and then we teleport to another boat out in the ocean that Snoop's spawned for some other guys and try to talk to him but they're not talkative so Snoop forces them to exit the boat with his hax but the boat keeps driving forwards and one of the crew starts running on top of it trying to stay with it but falls off lel and then we TP back to Mitchel patiently waiting for god to answer his prayers (aka never) and I try talking him into killing himself in real life but he says YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE so he's stuck playing shitty games for life unfortunately thanks God and as I'm talking shit to this guy he keeps having to tell Kevin to shut up who I guess is yacking away to him on teamspeak or some autistic VOIP program and I know that feel god it is weird to meet someone with an actual personality in a game and to fucking strand then in open water lmao and he says he'll just leave his computer on so he'll starve to death and I was like oh so you admit you have no life and his response to the accusation of having no life is no I'll leave my computer on WHILE I GO AND BROWSE REDDIT hahaha and then I try to get him to admit reddit sucks since thats literally worse than believing in god and when I try to get him to say 4chan is better HE GOES OH GOD, THEY'RE 4CHAN DUDES!!! AND STARTS SWIMMING AWAY FROM US lmao anon is legun bitch and then I start quizzing him about gays and apparently he doesnt hate gays and even though gay sex is a sin that sends you to hell not all gay fags are gonna go to hell since anyone can change and even if they dont its up to god where they go hes not one to judge anyone which are good answers tbh other than being a christian and everything and then we get a sign that god does exist when IT STARTS RAINING HUNDREDS OF PARACHUTING COWS and I'm like OH LOOK, A MINDLESS HERD, YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN BEING A CHRISTIAN and Mitchel starts giving a running commentary to his gay boyfriend OK KEVIN, KEVIN LOOK, THERES JUST THESE TWO GUYS IN A BOAT HARASSING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, A HOLE BUNCH OF PARACHUTES ARE UP IN THE AIR-OH WHAT THE FREAK THEY'RE ANIMALS! lmao but we have to teleport away because all the floating cows are lagging out Snoop Lion's computer rofl and then Adolf Critler rejoins the server even though Mitchel warned him and we TP him back out to see and now that I have heard his real name I start telling him I'm hacking him and getting his dox lmao and then he swims off moaning to Mitchel about us its hilarious that we can hear alternating sides of their private conversation because they have their broadcasts set to perma-open
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHAn2Wb-pHY
and then Snoop Lion teleports the four of us to some island thats just an empty lump of grass but Mitch and Kevin are paralyzed so we can rape them all we want and when I threaten to kill Mitch irl by tracing his IP as you do he says IT MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE IM AT KEVINS HOUSE lmao so I'm ruining yet another LAN party, if those five guys in the firestation were at a LAN party I am officially a LAN party serial killer since these guys are my third LAN party victims oh wait he said his cousins house ok nix that joke never mind and Mitchel is spinning in place since Snoop spawned Kevin under him in the ocean so hes the only one who can look behind them and see Snoop flying a chopper around and I get to suck Kevin off and he cant do anything about it lmao and then Snoop crashes his chopper and just walks out from the explosion in a badass manner so we can harass these guys and Mitchel tells us he thinks GOD FEELS PRETTY GOOD BECAUSE ONE OF HIS FOLLOWERS DEFENDED FOR HIM lmao God confirmed for mega-caring about the goings on in a broken walking sim and after I ride about on an ATV for a bit Snoop says I DONT WANT TO BE ON FAGGOT ISLAND WITH THIS FAGGOT and he spawns some parachuting cows to keep Kevin company but I start shooting the shit with Kevin about alienwares since he has one too lmao this was ONE fucking day short of exactly a year ago and I'm moaning about my bluescreening and saying I'll buy a new one but I have only just ordered it and it hasnt even gotten here yet brilliant and then Snoop does some cool thing where he teleports everyone in the server out to sea and it looked awesome all these people cascading over each other but I bluescreen and when he does it again half the people have disconnected so it doesnt look as cool but one guy yells HEY LOOK, ITS SNOOP SHITTY! so they've met him before on another server lmao this guy is ruining the entire fucking game and random people are starting to recognize him lulz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KlSmGNL4rc
then we find a new server to do the spawning everyone in the game out at sea gag again and there is a cacophony of rustled jimmies over mics but one that stands out is like some Japanese guy ranting at us so I tell him THIS IS FOR PEARL HARBOR lmao which is literally what americans said when Japan got tsunami'd and then we just sail backwards as he fiddles to get on the boat as I hurl every racial slur for asians I can remember like GO EAT SOME DOGS YOU CHINK GOOK NIP ZIPPERHEAD and then we harass some other guy who plays along when I tell him we're the HIV+ gay men's cruise and we have some Top Banter™ but he bleeds to death in the water and Snoop has spawned us a fishing boat he takes over to another guy stranded in the ocean and we let him on but he refuses to pay the dick sucking tax and disconnects so he TPs the other guy back out to sea and he climbs onboard and he seems determined to not get rustled by us and just rolls with the punches whenever I am an obnoxious prick and he tries to like disarm me by not engaging in my shittalking and getting to know me by asking where I'm from and it works lmao and as if these videos couldnt get any more surreal we just hang out and shoot the shit about forrest gump, how americans think europe is one country, if there's cotton in africa and jenkem for literally ten minutes straight and I try to use my one talking point about the olympics which didnt work on tek and wont work on this guy since no one fucking watched it and then Snoop Lion airdrops some more cows over us and this guy jokes about how that should be a food shipman for africa to save the starving niggers lmao this dude is funny and then Snoop TPs away so I take command of the ship and go for a nice wee sail while I explain to this guy how I've only been rolling with a hacker for one hour lol and we bond over how terrible the game is we play hes like OH DUDE, I'VE HAD MY LEGS BROKEN BY A RAIL ROAD TRACK wow thats a new one and hes also been damaged by throwing a tin can haha christ but our fun is cut short when Snoop Lion gives me one final hurrah of "fun" by teleporting us back into the military base thunderdome place and I remember literally missing the guy on the boat since he was literally a funny cool guy and I wanted Snoop to teleport him over here since I'd rather talk to him than this gay 15 year old but he just says it sucks for him being back in the boat and tells me to pick a weapon so we can fight and he'll turn off his hax to make it fair but of course the fucking triangles kick in during the closest thing these Let's Plays have gotten to a final boss fight and I pick an MP5 and he starts a fog horn blazing and I'm like LET THE BODIES HIT THE... FLOOOR so I just dump a mag into the triangles where I last saw him and run around a thing and when I see him I almost get a shot off but he kills me so clearly he turned his hax back on lmao and then I have a fun wee game of shooting zombies by myself waiting for Snoop to give me the hacker loot he said he'd fix me up with but he never did the cheeky cunt so yeah that was that a surreal dreamlike journey into the cruel, bizzare, homoerotic and pathetic life of a hacker who pays for hacks actually hes not even a hacker hes a script kiddy a script kiddy whos actually a kid and buys his scripts where I was a goat, a dog and a cow, had a group masturbation session with three other women, was in three helicopter crashes, tried to force a christian to convert to athiesm by stranding him in the open ocean and made a friend on a fishing boat