rubycalaber as Ned Stark the only truly fit leader for the community since he doesn't actually want to be in charge or even be there at all, Desolation as Catelyn Stark his faithful lover, Lonnie as Robb Stark his loyal supporter, my new dog Dead Forum Dalmation II as Ghost the family pet, iwascruel as Brienne of Tarth the obvious bulldyke, gabi as Arya Stark the youngest girl of House Calaber, Dirty Harry as Hodor the brain damaged retard, Marco as Bran Stark the autist who is somehow lurking anonymously everywhere at once, Bob Hughes as Jojen Reed the dude who's always tripping balls, Aber as Meera Reed the young woman who had to illegally cross a border wall, roflbrothel as Osha the edgy but definately very classy bird, m0nde as George R.R. Martin the fattest and oldest fucker here, Wendy as Jaqen H'ghar the shitposter of many faces, Link as Bravos the brown casanova who charms all the white girls, General Doli as The Hound the veteran who's mastered the art of owning but is now tired of that life, fanare as Sansa Stark cute redhead teen girl who's actually one of the best power players, Teknorat as Ramsay Snow the edgy boi who loves trolling and abusing members of the various communities, Obnoxious Bitch as Theon Greyjoy for obvious reasons, Big Gay Dolphin as Roose Bolton the dude who'll stalk your whole family, skrizach as Locke the rugged outdoorsman, Ewok as Stannis Baratheon the man who destroys his mental health for his waifu, roxtoyz as Davos Seaworth his second-in-command, Terror Baby as Shireen Baratheon the girl who gets honor killed by her parents for Allah, Barrypothead as Renly Baratheon the closeted gay man, Bev as Melisandre the hundred year old woman, Jon as Jon Snow idk his name is Jon, Cag as Ygritte the white trash town bike and his love interest who will no doubt betray him by a bad reason, Camoron as Tormund her other beta orbiter, Cody as Mance Rayder king of the white trash hoards who rallys them to invade other communities, Steven Yelle as Samwell Tarly the overweight man on a quest to lost his virginity, Flaglerchat as Littlefinger the sociopath who smuggly finds out everyones personal information and what really determines the fate of the communities is the behind the scenes machinations of his rivalry with, Jack Venhooker as Varys the only man with the espionage abilities to be his arch enemy who's implied to be a pedophile, Lisa Repborn of House Bushpig, the First in the Inflatable Bathtub, Queen of the Orbiters and the Beta Men, Protector of the Seven Lizard Forums, the Mother of Cats, the Khaleesi of the Great Weed Lmao, the Unfunny, the Breaker of Herpenteriums as Daenerys Targaryen the mentally troubled woman who keeps forcing every community she joins to revolve around her, rootbeer as Khal Drogo her rapey lover obssessed with his masculinity, Donny as Barristan Selmy her first beta orbiter to die, Peter O'Quinn as Daario Naharis her bad boy criminal lover, garfield as Jorah Mormont her terminally ill beta orbiter, cberry as Grey Worm the token black guy military man, ramen as Missandei the multi-lingal shill for a proto-facist politician #DumpDrumpf, Dustin as Bronn the dude who doesn't fight fair I know you used an aimbot when we dueled in CS:GO motherfucker, marks as The Mountain the most feared noob slayer in the land, StompleB as Oberyn Martell his sworn nemisis, Lily as Ellaria Sand the scheming woman who keeps trying to overthrow different communities, internutt as Tyene Sand the obnoxious half-asian thot, Elezzzark as Tyrion Lannister the disabled manlet who gets abused by, Gush as Cersei Lannister the evil seductress who will betray you by a bad reason, Reno as Jaime Lannister the handsom fuckboy in a forbidden love triangle with her, Clay as Robert Baratheon the obese lazy administrator of the realm also in the love triangle, Shakes as Gendry Baratheon his bastard son, Drunk Puppies as Tywin Lannister the tactical mastermind who has owning down to a fine art, Plug Drugs as Joffrey Baratheon the Incel King, Juliet as Margaery Tyrell the smirking female pedophile, the Troll-1000 as The Night King leading a hoard of inhuman monsters to invade every other community until they are infested only by them, Rage Rex as Drogon the short tempered giant red reptile, Eagle Bird as Robb's direwolf as literally a fursuit, Dandada as a nigger lynched from the Timnet tree, cameos from White Bear, Reply Sloth, Unfunny Bunny and Heidi the Chicken, some gay nigger dicks as The Iron Throne since that's what I like to sit on, Rubynet as Winterfell the last true heir of the YTMND and YTMNSFW throne, The Herpatarium as The Wall the only thing keeping the hoards of white trash retards from swarming our community, all the lizard forums as the dirty brown savage Meereenese people, FJS as the hive of scum and villany that is King's Landing, ALOL as Stannis' fleet which is a very deep ruby lore reference to a gif from LOST season 4 where the ALOL freighter is destroyed by a troll bomb and TPIL is there too since I just remembered that place existed at the last second
alright since this show's final season is coming out soon (editors note: read: four months ago) my e-gf desolation got me to watch all this so we could be up to date for the inevitable cultural shitposting shitshow so I thought I'd write a thread about it hopefully I can just keep it to brief summaries and brief thoughts and not be analysing every sentence or the autism will kill me (editors note: of course this didn't happen) but you know me I'm thinking this thread will be an interesting counter-piece to my neon demon review thread where I was dissecting a deep work of art critiquing gender roles that braindead normies think is edgy shock schlock torture porn and now I'm hopefully glazing over what seems like actual edgy shock schlock torture porn re-enforcing gender roles that braindead normies think is a deep work of art when in reality they just want to get turned on watching some rape scenes lmao now I already know more than I'd like to about this saga since I think I watched the first episode when it first came out and book reading dorks were going mental about it all I remember is it ends in a guy stealing my gimmick and fucking his sister and then shoving a wee boy out a window who catches them and I downloaded the season 5 and 6 finales to watch just to shitpost about them on /tv/ where this show is l i t e r a l l y the only actual tv show or movie they discuss at this stage and I also downloaded an episode in season 3 that I looked up on a wikia that was about Simon from Misfits sadistically torturing some guy literally because I find torture a sexually erotic topic and wanted to watch it for basically DLC for my sexual fantasies where I'd imagine Simon was a girl and I was the victim since unfortunately I am not gay and cant just jack off directly to it you might be thinking but ruby isn't it a bit hypocritical to say that and then make a huge thread talking shit about people watching the same edgy drivel for sexual thrills? well you see 1) normal people should probably aspire TO BE NOTHING LIKE ME and 2) AT LEAST I ADMIT IT, AT LEAST I ADMIT IIIIIIT!!!!!!(slipknot reference) speaking of normal people GoT is like fucking crack to normies, especially, dare I say it, REDDITORS and similar assorted cringy hipster faggots
which I think is a symptom of nerd culture becoming more mainstream (although not really nerd culture, the term nerd has always had positive aspects to me in the practical sense at least, e.g. you may be ostracised from your peers but because you are a lot more intelligent than them and were more interested in unexciting cerebral activities like studying more for school or self-teaching programming or something dull but useful rather than vapid entertainments like sports or, ironically, tv shows and movies, the current culture is more like manchild (or womanchild) culture, literally just enjoying things for little kids as adults, which is probably why so many "nerds" get triggered by normies enjoying "nerdy" media and genres, because it let's slip that there's nothing really intellectual about these at all, they are literally just for immature people, and now the average person is as emotionally stunted, socially isolated and as insecure as the introverted outcasts of the past, because in [the current year] that is what everyone is not just a tiny minority of weirdo geeks from how fucked in the head clapistans rekt economy and probably high divorce rate and easy access to social media has made an entire generation) but specifically I think it has the same appeal of The Walking Dead, which normies also hoover down like their daily burgers (even though it's extraordinarily glacially paced, obnoxiously written, terribly acted and near-parody level bad production values) fuck you stomple
in that these are stories that remove modern civilisation by being set after or before them (possibly also why LOST seemed to appeal greatly to normies during the first half of the show where it was primarily a survival drama and not so much the second half which was more a fantasy thriller featuring sections back in civilisation) to provide a "back to basics" escapist fantasy where the normie can entertain the notion that life would be simpler and more fulfilling without the trappings of modern society (probably literally because of what anti-industrial revolution anarcho-primitivist actual MKULTRA victim mad bomber Ted Kaczynski said in his manifesto that the rewards of life are too far removed from their production for human beings to feel satisfied that they had input into it (and the only sane solution is to BLOW IT ALL UP (batman beyond reference (not serious life advice I am not liable for any violent insurrections that result from reading this thread)))) (or was that Karl Marx? I don't know he didn't blow anyone up so fuck him pussy ass fat faggot) and I think these post/pre civilization stories might have extra appeal to a certain type of normie who is dissatisfied with modern changing gender roles but is afraid to admit this which is why it seems to appeal to tumblr feminists and numale types who'd cry if they saw a gun irl yet adore this edgy TV show where a woman gets raped every few episodes and people are constantly hacking each other up with axes since these stories usually feature men being allowed to be hyper violent (because its ok to kill zombies or that's just what you gotta do in that kind of world) and women are often in submissive roles to said violent men (until the cognitive dissonance gets too bad and the show gets co-opted by its uneasy fanbase and starts pushing even more obviously out of place girl power scenes which seems to be a common pattern with this type of thing that start out edgy and then end up woke) which a lot of men and women find gratifying usually because they're children of single mothers so the men don't know what a real man acts like other than from action movies and the women don't know what a real man acts like other than fears about rape in the culture they sexualize these "back to basics" ideas don't appeal that much to me due to not being A FUCKING IDIOT WHO WANTS TO SEE HALF MY FAMILY DIE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANTIBIOTICS AND BREAK MY FUCKING BACK TOILING AWAY IN A FIELD ALL DAY BECAUSE IF I DON'T MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY WILL STARVE TO DEATH AND THEN THEY ALL DO ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY GOT MEASLES AND WE DON'T HAVE VACCINES(apologise for triggering american's with that last word) and if I ever caught myself longing for that sort of thing of oh things used to be so much better before modern society oh if only my life was simpler I might stop and think, well, first of all I can just go live in fucking Haiti or India or some shithole and see how fun it is having no civilization, but secondly maybe the problem with my life isn't ALL OF CIVILIZATION but just ME and then take efforts to change my life so I was more satisfied (which is a notion often criticised as taking the onus off the system for problems in a citizens life and placing it on that individual, obviously also try to improve society, but most likely you have no real fucking problems and you have the easiest life of any human to ever live if you live in the first world in [the current year] and should try smashing yourself in the teeth with a hammer to enjoy what the typical life experience was for most of human existence to find some gratitude or just you know improve your relationships and lifestyle and you'll probably be more satisfied with modern life either or up to you) but since both normies and mind control experiment victim domestic terrorists can't manage this and instead get mad at modern life you get things like this show now I try not to be one of these insecure retards who hates on something just because the fanbase is shit I mean I love the Fast and Furious movies and that fan base seems to be made up entirely of let's just say the kind of people who are worried about their future residency now Trump is president so I am genuinely going to give this a chance maybe I'll end up loving it but from what I've been exposed to so far it honestly seems like just another high fantasy franchise that are all derivative from Lord of the Rings (George R. R. Martin even stole Tolkien's initials) which in and of itself was Tolkien being derivative of his real world interest in history which is why those books are really fucking boring in the first place since I'm not really that interested in medieval history in the first place (when the movies for LOTR was coming out my one friend in real life loved them and I tried to read the books for him but couldn't get past the bit where they get to the entrance to the mines and a squid monster attacks them outside since it was all a bunch of autistic bullshit about referencing how the father of someones father of someones brother of someones grandfather of someones aunt of someones dog walker once smote a dragon ontop a mountain so that's why they call their left testicle Tism The Dragon Tickler and if I wanted to read a fictional genealogy lesson written as obtusely as possible I'd read the bible (although in the last year or so I've gotten into Dungeons & Dragons and by that I mean watching other people playing it online so I don't have to put in any effort, socialise or learn the rules so maybe I can enjoy this by just pretending it's a DnD game) its just that normies don't read fucking books at all EVER so when they make a big budget tv show about it this is the first time they're being exposed to those ideas which would be fine if it was actually good and not what seems to be a fat old sexually repressed AMERICAN mans fetishes, now I notice A LOT in American """"""""""""literature"""""""""""" that writing books seems to be a vector for the author to safely release their sexual fantasies, e.g. every crime mystery has to have explicit descriptions of women being abused and their naked dead bodies under the guise of being "gritty detective thrillers", Stephen King books have uh interesting sequences of basically child erotica, Twilight is one big probably unconscious metaphor for how a repressed mormon woman felt teenage sexuality scary and threatening and how it's a bad inherently violent thing men have to hold back on giving into for his girlfriends sake until she's ready to give up her life for him and 50 Shades of Grey is taking that horrible sexual dysfunction and literally writing a S&M fanfiction about it and publishing it under its own title and with new character names to avoid copyright infringement and amerishits fucking love it but dear fuck does this seem to take the cake in this field and that's probably also a main reason it's so popular with normies they can literally watch rape erotica but it's socially acceptable because it's just on that popular geeky fantasy showso maybe that's why I'll also end up loving it but also not respecting it as art which I am pretty sure is an even worse form of pretension than just hating something entirely because its popular with idiots its like hating it because its popular with you and you've got the most horrible taste possiblewell let's watch and see what happens hopefully I get this done before the obese fuck who wrote these stupid books fucking dies from fat and people are more mad about how the book series will never end rather than how the tv show ended
think I'll use the format I did for reviewing seasons 1, 2 and 3 of LOST all the way back in 07, heh, stayed up for 3 days straight to get that done for christmas, damn I was a good poster back then, 12 years on and I'm reviewing this dumb shit, are there even smoke monsters in this? (editors note: there actually fucking is lmao)
Game of Thrones 1x01: "Winter Is Coming" wincest special edition
First aired: April 17, 2011
alright so the first scene is a bunch of guys are in the woods and one of them finds a bunch of dead bodies cut up and laid out in some symbol, very nice and edgy, you know what I'm going to keep a counter going of edgy shit on-screen: EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1
then his comrade is an asshole for no reason to him I guess that's because this is a saga written by an american whos playing on old british cultural tropes that poor people ungentlemanly oh also everyone has a british accent for some reason again because its fucking americans who think everyone in every place and time before modern day america spoke with a british accent then they go looking for the edgy tableau that's from some Dexter shit but it's gone as if whoever made it can just teleport things around or something I'm sure that'll be an element the creators Daniel Brett Weiss and David Benioff, who I've seen referred to by fans as literally DnD which is a real goodone, forget, and some of these snow zombies pop up called white walkers (referred to as The Others in the books but they changed that in the show to not infringe on a certain far better tv show I bet) and kills a dude, I did this autistic shit for a certain other thread where I counted up everyone's kill counts but I'm sure someone else has already done that to death with this show and I can't be fucked learning every obscure characters name or deciding who gets kill credits when I'm sure there's big messy battle scenes where no-namers kill people and shit so whatever I'll just stick to edgy counts and stabbing some dude from out of nowhere is not that edgy
now not to start complaining right off the bat but I think White Walkers™ are a really bad fucking inclusion to this mythos since the whole meme here they're going for is that there are no good guys or bad guys just like in le real history its just a bunch of different factions with changing goals and alliances and such but when you put in AN ARMY OF OMNICIDAL ZOMBIES that kind of gives a clear cut bad guy in the story for all the other morally grey characters to be forced to team-up against which has never happened ever in human history and wont until everyone decides to team-up against the robot uprising I guess YANG GANG but really I've heard GRRM boast about how oh his story isnt just goodies v mindless orc monsters its flawed humans v flawed humans oh is that so no orc-like rampaging hoards here no sir-ee also introducing zombies, not even keeping it ambiguous that that's what they are since you see the little dead girl reanimated, right away is also a bit naff since it already lets you know you're in a world where cheating death by supernatural means is possible which also dampens the le grim n gritty so realistic and grounded approach to these fantasy tropes anyway then these two remaining guys get chased by the zombies and one looks away for a split second and looks back when suddenly A WHITE WALKER APPEARS BEHIND HIS MATE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AND BEHEADS HIM, HEH, NOTHIN PERSONEL KID and he tosses him his head for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2
and then we get the opening title animation that looks like a boardgame or something very deep kinography you know what this reminds me of it reminds me of when my 1m8 irl was into LOTR I bought some like warhammer style tabletop battle game with the LOTR IP but it was just too fucking boring and convoluted to learn how to play it so I never bothered but it was all about painting figurines and placing them around some elaborately constructed miniature map like this looks like and then we get some on the nose character introductions where we see this really ugly girl that reminds me of how British people frequently have their eyes too far apart as if we're evolving to be a hearding prey species
is sitting there sewing when she can hear the male characters outside teaching a shota to use a bow as if she's a tomboy (typed that as tomgirl at first hi chris-chan) but constrained by gender roles and then we see Sean Bean, hmmmmm I wonder if he'll survive the season hmmmmmm, even I've killed him off myself in Hitman, and oh my I'm just typing this as I watch the episode and Anya or whatever just skipped straight to it and aimbotted the bullseye Bran or whatever the kids name is was failing to hit ok fuck subtly or build-up she's just got aimbot turned on in the first 11 minutes ok and then a fat dude literally with his neckbeard in pigtails reports they caught that one pussy guy from the opening and they're going to execute him for desertion and his justification for making a like 9 year old watch this is "winter is coming" - HE SAID THE MEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure this is a thing where they have like 7 year long winters or something at random which I'm not sure how a middle ages human civilization could function with that factor due to everyone fucking dying but ok
and then we get our first contrived as fuck scene for the sake of edge as we see this scaredy cat being marched out to a beheading rock, that admittedly looks super cool in these lovely Irish hills that are hidden in mist so far this is the best part of the show, the cinematography, and he tries to explain himself to Sean Bean that he didn't return to Trump's wall because he saw White Walkers but he's not having any of it and says some ritual prayer and beheads him as his son or whatever orders his 9 year old or whatever son or whatever not to look away for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 just to really hammer home these seem to be the good guys but THIS AINT YOUR DADDYS LORD OF THE RINGS! THIS IS EDGY AND REALISTIC!
now I get that in real life people really did get executed for desertion but the whole thing doesn't make sense, 1) why the fuck did the White Walkers let him live? are they smart enough to want him to report they're active again but too dumb to not realize no one would believe him without proof? 2) why did this guy NOT return to The Wall? was he too scared they'd send him back out there? does he not give a fuck about warning his comrades about them and just peaced out? if so then 3) why the FUCK did he come all the way back to Winterfell if he knew they wouldn't believe him and just behead him? 4) actually wasn't he literally on the other side of The Wall so he'd have to go back through it? didn't anyone ask him what happened to the other two guys? why not report right then and there where more people would be likely to believe him and try to verify it? 5) couldn't he just change his clothes and run off somewhere else if he was just a coward? it's not like they can check his passport or some shit 6) wouldn't it take him WEEKS to get back to Winterfell? how did he manage that with no provisions? just what le fuck already, so far my impressions are the writing is super on the nose but the production values are super dank, like the special effects for the gore are really good and the landscapes are lovely and the costumes and set design are all very believable and not the usual plastic metalwork and polystyrene walls dogshit you see in most period piece tv shows
then we see a dead rotting dear that got killed by something called a direwolf that took it with him and its pups are still trying to suckle from its corpse that has a deers antler embedded in its head, these are just animals killing each other so I'll give it a pass on the edgy counter but Ned (oi m8 bolt ya nugget ah pumped yer maw last night) recommends they just kill the pups and the edgy son immediately goes to do it which woulda been an edgy count but the nice son says there's 6 of them for each of the 6 Stark children and Ned gets super edgy and says some shit like "you'll feed them yourselves, you'll raise them yourselves and if they die you'll bury them yourselves" as he storms off jesus christ mate you're just letting your kids have some pets actually on second through letting a 9 year old raise a giant wolf monster might not be a good idea no wonder this dude dies in everything he's ever appeared in and then Jon, yes that's his exotic fantasy name, reveals he's not a Stark that I think I already knew from autists I know online telling me all about their fan theories about how he's a baby from the future or some shit and there's a nice shot of them leaving under a bridge I love the scenery around Winterfell it's very celtic and reminds me of running around woods that had like legit 1500 year old castle walls in them to climb around, to quote the Italian prosecuter who convicted Amanda Knox "what were Americans doing 1500 years ago? painting buffalo in caves?"
then we see King's Landing, the capital of the seven kingdoms, not sure that's how it works since each kingdom would have it's own capital but whatever, and this place has more of a sort of French seaside town aesthetic with it's big elaborate cathedral-like buildings and there's some neat world building where a dude is dead and 7 priests or whatever with a 7 pointed star symbol waft incest, wait no were' not there yet, incense, around his dead body that has had 7 of his organs put in jars and stones put over hsi eyes like the ancient egyptians did but I vaguely recall from /tv/ autism that 7 is the number of deities they have in this world or something which makes me wish I knew more about history since I am pretty sure what made medieval european life the way it was was because of the effect christianity had on history and politics, the lifestyles of average people and leaders living by what they were told the bible says by the clergy and the sort of black and white thinking and strictly hierarchical social structures that influenced every part of those sorts of societies that mostly comes from the extreme autism that is monotheistic religion but in this world they treat religion as just a lifestyle choice some people ascribe to different aspects of rather than the driving force between every political and personal decision everyone made for a period of about a thousand years straight like irl and then we get who I am assuming is the best character in the show, the dude who fucks a certain someone that makes him based & redpilled, start chatting about if this dead guy spilled their secrets and start discussing a bunch of characters and titles they covet I aint finna bouta pay attention to I assume we'll be getting a lot of this people talking vaguely about their schemes involving other characters who's names I cant remember and this is the first we meet of Cersei who all the fans seem to hate but she seems pretty based from what I've seen and she's played by Lena Headey who did alright as Sarah Connor in T:SCC fucking rip that show that's what the finale needs to be it turns out she is a time displaced Sarah and then Cameron (trollinator) steps out of a time travel bubble and mows all these edgy pricks down with an m60
then some redheaded woman in Winterfell, that I have to say is a pretty well put together looking medieval village really good job with all the prop department people or whatever, getting ye olde tweet attached to a crows foot and she goes to see Ned who's found the most kino spot possible to clean his broadsword by a reflecting pond as he reflects and under a deathly pale tree that's bright red leaves almost seem like a cloud of blood hovering over him as sunlight pours down around him as if even in this idyllic environment he's still in the shade having his life darkened by the death and bloodshed hanging over his head, real good cinemetography here holy shit, cant wait for the quality to nosedive like in every other show that's first episode they go whole hog on and then run out of budget and time and resort back to filming conversions in dimly lit tiny rooms
and I guess this redhead is his wife who seems to have some sort of... Irish accent? ok I looked it up and the actress is from Northern Ireland, but she talks about coming up north, maybe this is a reference to how Middle Earth or whatever this place is called is basically just the UK lmao and they do some world building about there being old gods and she follows the new 7 gods with all the rules or something and she cuts to the chase and tells him the tweet she just got about whoever the other Jon who died was and Ned whines about some king riding up to see them oh my fucking god I dont want to have to learn all this elaborate family tree and royal family bloodline shit I feel like I'm reading the bible or something
then we see a banquet being prepared and they have dialog that was like some shit earlier between the brother and sister talking about "he fucks boars and hunts whores, or was it the other way around?" where they make cultural references to the only 3 things in their culture: sex, food and animals, since this was before these poor people had wonders such as celebrities having rape scandals and a million superhero movies to make jokes about, where they talk about some guy who reads all night... or drinks all night! ebin
then we cut to the princes or whoever getting shaved and they have some lads talk about how that other prince gets to fuck all the nice southern girls... yeah if only they knew... then we see Bran flakes inventing parkour as he sees some dodgy CGI of a caravan of I think the Lannisters arriving and his mum catches him and makes him promise to stop climbing but she catches him lying I vaguely remember what happens at the end here from watching this episode when it first aired on tv here and being bored and not watching any more lmao so I guess the closest thing to a moral of this episode might be don't lie to your mum because she's probably right about you doing dumb shit being dumb then we see Joffrey arriving who I know from memes about how edgy he is and he and Sansa smile at each other who's a qt redhead and by qt I mean like a 10/10 by brit standards but 5/10 by any other countries standards and she's played by the dumb thot who is going to somehow ruin the Dark Phenoix saga even worse than X-Men 3 did
then this big fat fuck gets off his horse and ushers a bowing Ned to stand, I guess that means the Starks are subservient to the Lannisters or something, and the cheeky cunt calls Ned fat, how the fuck did people even get fat back then they didn't have sugar in everything yet, actually I don't think they had sugar at all, and the kids comment on ah yes that's his name Jamie Lannister taking off his helmet who's the queens TWIN brother oh hmmmm even better, and Cersei mentions that they've been travelling A FUCKING MONTH to get there which I'm sure is a rule of thumb that'll get violated in the future like how in Lost it took them like a week to cross just the thin part of the island and are then going back and fourth in only a few hours, and then Ned talks to his fat friend who offers him the Hand of the King and we get our first mention of The Iron Throne™ that I know best from some super cringy teaser for the awful Terminator Genysis movie starring the dragon lady who gets raped a lot where this stupid throne inexplicably turns like a T-1000 into Emilia Clarke that looks like it was fan made but is an official release which seems to have been taken down from their official channel from how many downvotes it got lmao us nerds like being pandered to and everything but sometimes you can just take the piss
and then we see Tyrion Lannister getting his dick sucked by a whore, kinda funny that he's a dwarf character in a medieval fantasy world but it's not because he's a member of the race of dwarfs he was literally just born with dwarfism, or wait that's not PC anymore, and midget definitely isn't, I think you're meant to literally call them Little People which sounds extremely condescending and is not clear what you're referring to if you don't know that specific PC term but I guess that's what they prefer so god bless being a manlet is hard in any world, and then through some annoying dialog they establish the important information that Tyrion is the third Lannister sibling, they call him The Imp which he hates and uh the gods blessed him with a short refractory period and/or like his dick is regular sized so seems huge on his small body or something and then his brother walks in wearing armor and carrying a sword like he just walks fully strapped everywhere in on this whore about to ride his dick and tells her not to bother getting up and they start talking about how their sister has odd cravings wtf and then to speed up Tyrion's whoring so he can assist him later he lets in four other whores for an orgy and then just walks out making sure his manlet brother gets his nut real good is this some fucking hentai or something
then there's a brief scene of Ned and his fat friend talking about the few remaining Targaryens while visiting a tomb or something because I guess some other royal died or something and speak of the devil we cut to some place called Pentos that's Across the Narrow Sea I guess this is an allegory for the mainland of Europe, and the architecture is reminiscent of a sort of Greek or Roman style, and we see our second inferior Sarah Connor staring sadly out to sea as her foppish brother comes in talking about her upcoming wedding like a creeper and he's scheming to come into a throne too of course and then to correct her posture HE TAKES OFF HIS SISTERS DRESS AND STARTS PLAYING WITH HER TITS I gave the manlet a pass since it's 2019 and we've all seen an orgy in porn before but at least in porn they have the decency to say they're only step siblings so that's gonna be a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1 from me dawg, and then as if to self harm and build up some theme of surviving sick burns with her she steps into a steaming hot bath as her slave girl warns her its too hot
then they meet a party of Dothraki who are basically the mongols of this universe, roving bands of raping and pillaging types, but who are all white, or well, passing for white like Aquaman, which is an interesting thing I'll need to keep a look out for, this was released in the ancient times of 2011 when you had all white casts for medieval europe inspired settings and no one batted and eye so we'll see when we first start getting like african americans playing Winterfell serfs out of nowhere as the 10s get more and more woke, and the brother gets introduced to Aquaman with some long-ass title like some Iron Fist shit and he tells his sister as if he gets turned on by how macho Aquaman is who's going to be cuckolding him talking about how they get their hair cut if they lose a fight and he's never lost a fight, which is I think a thing from ancient China, or at least a thing from Jackie Chan's character in Shanghai Knights lmao, but she just looks scared as they offer her up, with her nipples poking out of her dress as if this is some high budget porn intro, and he just sort of glares at her with his perma-angry arched eyebrows and rides off without saying anything and her brother starts whining about it like he wanted to get cucked right there and then and later on his adviser starts buttering him up about how the people want him as their true king since they seem to be in exile from whatever the fantasy name for the rip off of the UK is in this dudes palace probably just wanting to egg this prince guy on to take over so this advisor guy can be the new kings right hand man but they scheme scheme scheme away about how he finds the klingons or whatever weird barbarians but still needs to do this political marriage so he can use their army and out of nowhere wasitrape lady says "I dont want to be his queen" and in the only line I remember from watching this episode like 8 years ago HE TELLS HIS SISTER "I WOULD LET HIS WHOLE TRIBE FUCK YOU, ALL 40,000 OF THEIR MEN AND THEIR HORSES TOO, IF THATS WHAT IT TOOK" yep, that's gonna be another EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me! damn this dude loves his cuckolding hes not satisfied with just BDCs (Big Dothraki Cocks) running a train on her he needs horse cocks to get off too
then we cut to Sansa getting her hair did by her mother or whatever gossiping about Joffrey who she seems awfully attracted to for a like 13 year old ugly manlet but I guess the incels are right and she's a golddigger after his betabux and she's like "what if he thinks I'm ugly?" and her mother says he'd be stupid to think so fucking should have said "just show him Arya and you'll look great in comparison" lmao and she begs her to get Ned to allow their marriage as shes super thirsty
then we see the fat guy whoring around and Cersei looks rustled about it is that her husband I can't fucking keep track and then we see Jon Snow or whatever asking some warrior guy to let him serve on Hardians wall keeping the Scottish savages out I guess all this young men wanting to be soldiers is accurate since in ye olden times people thought war was some romantic adventure to prove how brave you are since most people just fucking died right away in melee combat or didn't survive their injuries and the leaders had like stories and poems commissioned about how cool and badass it is to trick more retard serfs into thinking it was ebin and then like a snake slithering up to hiss in his ear the manlet appears out from the shadows and starts trying to manipulate Jon about them both being outcasts in royal families since he's deformed and Jons a bastard, I usually like these sort of manipulator type characters like Ben Linus from Lost and I like the idea of a guy in a brutally violent world born disabled has to get real good at fighting with his words to survive so I think I'm gonna like this character unfortunately since that's who all the normies like and I don't wanna be a normie although I guess watching a show about brother/sister incest is normal now so actually never mind I'll be a normie in 2019 its lit fam then we get another meme drop as Ned says Winter Is Coming™ again yes only 8 years away and we see Cersei looking like shes got a serious case of resting bitch face glaring at everyone ignoring Lady Stark or whoever talking to her like she can't even be bothered to pretend to care about any of this and Sansa comes up and says she's 13 (have a seat over there sir) and tries to act polite sucking up to her hopefully future mother in law and Cersei acts creepy calling her dove and asking if she's still growing and then asks HAVE YOU BLED YET? and the answers no much to Cersei's disappointment since I guess she wants her spoiled retard son to have a heir asap so she's not relying on him for any longer than she has to or really wants their families alliance cemented asap or whatever oh my politics very nice that a 13 year old girls menses is an important plot point but I guess that would be a real concern "back then" so I'll let the pedoedge slide (although in ye olden times a lot of kids had delayed puberty until their mid to late teens from the malnutrition/rampant disease/strain of manual labor/general stress of the time so wouldn't get married until then and arranged child marriages like this was a thing mostly for rich cunts like this and often just formal with the two might never even meeting for years so fucking pre-teens wasn't a universal thing or anything) and Cersei tries to play nice asking for her to sew a dress but cant help but basically tell her future uh double mother in law or whatever that she lives in a shithole, then we see Joffrey gormlessly eyeing Sansa, can't wait for that rape scene, and then we see a drunken Jamie finally taken his gear off taunting Ned to fight him in a tournament and Ned says some edgy shit about "I don't fight in tournaments, when I fight a man for real, I don't want him to know what I can do" even though I am pretty sure they fight to the death in this universe so ok edgemaster and Arya gets sent to bed for flicking food around lis
then there's some more scheming between Ned and his wife about if they should move down to the capital or not and they bond over calling their friend fat lis and some old guy delivers ye olde text message in these weird things people called "letters" not very inventive since it is a bunch of letters and there's some conspiracy intrigue shit about how the other Jon, who was the kings right hand man, was murdered by the Lannisters and they're aiming for the king now, who I don't think we've met yet, and this is according to her sister and she mentions she'd be dead if this letter was intercepted by the wrong person, I guess these retards haven't invented encryption yet but then again its 2019 and people are still getting their tweets hacked so you know war... war never changes
then we see movie Sarah Connor sitting with Aquaman as her brother looks on eagerly for her to get SAVAGED as she gets brought gits of snakes and they watch some naked belly dancers as she looks on getting nervous about getting dicked and this dance is like a play or a real fight or something about a rape no wait I've got it THEY'RE DAGGERING BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BOOM BOOM BINSA BINSA BOWLO lmao and Aquaman loves this shit as it breaks out into a fight leading to a guy getting cutted as his intestines spill out for no reason other than gore, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5
and her brother gets uppity demanding his crown already but his adviser guy tells him "a dorthaki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair" lel then some guy I've seen in memes before arrives with some books for Sarah Connor #2 and I think this guy ends up her like extremely friendzoned ally or something and then another gift is given of fucking dragon egg fossils from The Shadow Realm from YuGiOh or some shit and I guess this is it and they're married because Aquaman just storms off and oh there we go there's our first black people in this crowd that watches her follow him apprehensively to pet a horse that I guess is the first animal to get a go on her, and there's a microedge where the friendzoned guy tells her "there is no word for thank you in dothraki" how do they... say thank you then? and then Aquaman puts her on a horse and her brother tells her "make him happy" and smiles like Louis C.K. is about to see his wife get BLACKED (updated meme: is about to jerk off in front of Sarah Silverman) then we see her by the sea as he undresses her piece by piece and she starts crying and he just says "no" and she asks if he knows "the common tongue" and he says "no" and she asks if the word "no" is the only one he knows and he says "no" lmao as if to drive home that even if they cant have a proper conversation he will at least know if he's raping her or not but it's pointless for her to even say no as he bends her over and the um consummation happens off-screen which is tasteful enough to not earn my edge rating and that's realism I guess women just being married off as political pawns and their consent just not taken into account by any of the men involved at all as if they were livestock being traded (as it should be) actually wait I have a funny meme instead of a kill count I'll keep a tally of each characters rapes lmao ok KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE)
then we see the manlet talking to a guy who I know from memes where autistic soyboys want him to fight the big guy for you called The Hound talking about going hunting and they ride off with Ned and his fat friend who promises to help him "not seem so fucking grim all the time" lmao I guess they hadn't invented anti-depresents yet and then the big meme is coming up as Bran gets his Dying Light on and climbs up the castle by a dodgy greenscreen and he years some sex noises of a woman moaning and climbs closer to the window to see and he spies Jamie giving it real good to a woman down on her knees doggy stype who sits up and its... CERSEI!!!! JAIME'S FUCKING HIS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING BASED!!!!!!!!!!!!! and now while there was a lot of inbreeding with royal families marrying their cousins to each other and shit I am pretty sure most stories of royal families literally fucking their mums and sisters and shit was mostly propaganda so I'm gonna have to give this a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2 thanks for some fun wank material
but we're not fucking done yet as Jaime runs over and grabs Bran and it seems like he's just going to try and talk him into keeping it secret or explaining it away but Cersie starts bitching "he saw us!" and that sister-pussy is just too good as Jaime realizes "you're quite the little climber arent you?" figuring out an easy alibi for his death that he regularly climbs about doing dangerous shit and just to show how cold hearted he is he even establishes that he's only 10 and then JAIME SHOVES THE 10 YEAR OLD OUT THE WINDOW SO HE CAN KEEP FUCKING HIS SISTEREDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 6 and Bran falls out the window down onto the camera cutting to black as we cut to credits you'd think someone as smart as Cersei would not fuck her brother while in rival territory but I'm guessing she's not genuinely attracted to him it's just a way to manipulate him and make sure he stays extra loyal to her and making him think she has genuine lust for him too is part of the scheme and I guess it's not the taboo nature of their coupling that's needing covered up since like they're royals they can do whatever they want it's that she's cheating on the king and he'd have to have Jaime executed in some brutal fashion to save face
ok well that was only 5000 words pretty good actually I just flew right through that so that means I could review this whole show in just about... 335,000 words.... oh... ok.... anyway my first impressions are the production values are really good, all really good performances other than Emilia Clarke who seems a bit novice-ish, and the visuals are all great with everything looking believably lived-in and lots of different styles for the different cities featured and the cinematography for the outdoor scenes being really engaging with only a bit of dodgy green screen here and there which isn't too bad for an 8 year old show my main complaint is the plot seems to be byzantine in nature where I feel like I'm gonna have to hardline some vaccines to get enough autism to follow all this family tree next in line claim to the throne bullshit and the dialog is all that sort of airy fairy quasi-poetic way Americans write royal families in any period or setting to talk like I've had enough of this shit in the fucking Thor movies it seems like Ned is the only one who just says things straight forward without having to talk in metaphors like they do on The Walking Dead and everything he says is some super edgy shit about death as if he's got some dank ass depression and all the sex and violence while I am fine with it and love it it's obviously coming from a culture that usually hides that sort of thing on mainstream TV shows but this is HBO getting to basically yell in your face THIS IS ADULT MATERIAL FOR ADUUUUUULTS!!! LOOK A TITTY!!!! when that's not very shocking in the 10s and is kind of like a teenager swearing a lot now they're allowed to or something but whatever more memes for me lets keep going
Game of Thrones 1x02: "The Kingsroad" kill all gingers special edition
First aired: April 24, 2011
we see whatever Sarah Connor #2s name is that I've yet to remember how to spell yet in shock from getting raped all night and the white knight beta orbiter and gives her some horse beef jerky and tells her about ghost grass that's going to kill all the other grass or some shit that will end the world according to the mongol retards that'd be quite the series finale if that actually came true then we see these nomadic peoples typical life in their teepees that's kinda like native american life you know before whitey came and killed them all and they ended up in trailer parks kind of interesting how they compile all these different historical cultures into one story although I have a nagging feeling that it's not out of creativity this is just how Americans see world history since in American culture like their Civil War is absolute ancient history even though it's within like only 2 human life times there's someone alive right now who's grandparent was alive during it so the idea of like the UK having history that goes back thousands and thousands of years does not compute and to American culture it's literally all just "before american independence" and it might as well all be the same to them anyway the cuckold brother talks to the beta orbiter and it's established I think that the orbiter is wanted by the Starks because he sold men who were poaching on his land to slavers which I guess is outlawed in Winterfell ooh very progressive I'm not sure they had full on slaves like the African slave trade or in antiquity in medieval Europe I think they just had a serf system where yeah pretty much your landlord owned you but you were living in your own homes not being literally kept in chains which seemed to mostly be a thing that happened to prisoners of war or people failing to pay debt rather than a huge industry where you like bred people for that purpose and shit
then we get an edgy joke from Joffrey finding the manlet waking up in a pigsty next to a dog that he's got "better looking bitches than he's used to" and Joffrey tries to act tough in front of The Hound that he can't be fucked to go and see Bran because he "cant stand the wailing of women" and HIS UNCLE BITCH SLAPS HIM and warns him not a word but he squeaks "I'm telling mother!" and GETS SLAPPED AGAIN lmao rekt you edgy little shit and the manlet orders Joffrey to go suck up to the Starks and SLAPS HIM AGAIN when he tries to talk back until he gives in and runs off flustered and The Hound warns "the prince will remember that, little lord" as if they're in a fucking Fallout game, in fact I think there actually was a Game of Thrones video game by telltale, well rip that since they went bankrupt lmao, if I know my child developmental psychology Joffrey's such a cruel little prick with pent up anger to take out on everyone is because him getting slapped by his elders is a regular occurrence or else he wouldn't put up with it from the manlet he's just shocked the one person he's bigger than is even doing it
and then unfortunately for the wonder twins the manlet tells them that Bran is alive and might survive and Jaime tries to float the idea of putting him out of his misery if he's crippled but Tyrion or whatever can already sniff out they had something to do with it and they have le vague scheming conversation about who's side he's on Jaime is quite the brainlet for not going down to make sure he was dead and then we see Cersei coming to check on Bran and his mother as she talks about losing her own son years ago which was probably a universal experience for parents in "those days" and they have a little teary eyed mini-cry together pretty good performance from Lena Headey there you can tell Cersei is trying to manipulate the mother but is genuinely dredging up unhappy memories to help her do so and she's not as cold as her brother and her life being so shit is probably why she's such a ruthless cunt but I'm still waiting for her to try to suffocate Bran or some shit lmao
then Jaime has an edgy conversation with Jon about him wanting to serve at The Wall about how you'll realize people are just sacks of meat once he finally swings his sword at someone yeah great stuff mate I'm guessing these two characters will never speak again since they seem heavily segregated from the memes I've seen for the rest of the show then Jon goes to give Arya her own little custom made sword which she immediately almost accidentally stabs him with lmao jesus fucking ban assault swords now then Jon goes and says goodbye to a comatosed Bran and invites him to come walk with him behind The Wall if he's not afraid (of the Mexicans) and then Ned arrives and his wife has a bit to say about ye olde toxic masculinity where Ned considers he has no choice but to leave but she says "that's just what men always say but you do have a choice" which is interesting that Cersei was just talking about how men do shit like punch walls to "try to show you how much they care" as if she's giving her permission to look at men critically or something by hearing another Queen talk that way then Jon hugs his edgy half-brother or whoever goodbye and Ned tells him he's proud but refuses to tell him who his mother is until next time they meet yeaaaah guessing that's not gonna happen nice dumbass mystery this is definitely a tv thing in real life he'd probably just ask someone else or something and then he goes to do his tour in Iraq or whatever
actually speak of the contrived tv mystery the next scene Ned is having a picnic with his fat friend, who I have a sneaking suspicion is going to backstab him or something since he's the only person who acts friendly with seemingly an open agenda, and they're having an edgy conversation about wenches tits when he just namedrops who Jon's mother is, Wylla, who I'm sure we'll see in like 100 episodes time, and then fatty gives him a letter about Sarah Connor's wedding and starts ranting edgily about her spreading her legs to pump out more Targaryens who he wants to kill because they killed their family or some elaborate shit I ain't looking up in a fan wikia or any bullshit like that but Ned isn't too concerned because the Dothraki are brainlets who don't have any ships to reach the fantasy UK
speaking of savage mongol retards we see Aquaman chilling with his bros and then he goes into his tent to get KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE) on his wife from the infamous "was it rape?" webm and the answer is yes since fuck moral relativity it's for libcucks who want to excuse backwards brown people throwing acid in women's faces or whatever and if it was valid then nothing anyone would do ever could be morally wrong since it's taking place within it's own context that explains its difference from the norm no matter how unreasonable seeming to an outsider, e.g. of course that guy burgled a house he needed drug money, of course that guy was a serial killer he happened to be a psychopath, of course that guy did a suicide bombing he was following his extremist faith, ect ect, although there's a thing now where we pretend moral relativism doesn't get applied to people alive right now and start judging historical figures for owning slaves or whatever, but you know what they're right, I don't care if it was the norm back then if one of George Washington's many slave mistresses just killed him one day and escaped she'd be doing the right thing and most people who do bad things right now in the first world are braindead apes who think they're in the right so fuck it, anyway Emilia Clark gives a hilarious performance here where her eyebrows are going insane as she gets her not so virgin secret garden brutally mowed by Aquaman's trident and it really does look like something from a porno or something lmao and we see her staring at the fossilised dragon eggs to try and cultivate some inner strength or something for some foreshadowing oh yeah and thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 7 from me since it's our first on-screen rape scene
and then we see Jon and the manlet on their way to The Wall and some men are brought in with their hands tied and the manlet explains "rapers, they can be castrated or sent to The Wall, most choose the knife" damn I know it's all white people up here but they really hate rap music that much?I'm guessing this is the kind of thing where it only counts as rape if you're raping another mans wife or daughter, you can rape your own wife all you want (as it should be) also there's a thing with morons who use castration to mean cutting off the penis too but if he means the proper sense it always struck me as odd since yeah I'm sure a loss in testosterone production would make a male criminal less violent in general but I am pretty sure you can still get a boner without your balls it might just be a struggle so you could still get your rape on but maybe in "those days" the concern was more about knocking up another mans wife since she might fucking die in child birth and not even for her mans bloodline which is funny that they had eunuchs in different cultures throughout history to like guard the queens chambers and shit and even though they couldn't get her pregnant they mighta still been having it away with them and probably from having lower testosterone were able to last all night and they chat about how Tyrion or whatever is a nerd who reads books and he admits that his brother killed the king their father was the right hand man to? but wasn't it established that they killed the new king(I think Cersei's husband)s right hand man? why not just kill the new king if she wants to take over? was he onto them or some shit? oh my palace intrigue, and the manlet teases Jon some more about how he's not as idealistic as he makes himself out to be causing him to have a glance over at the rapists as if he's testing him to see what his character is really made of and it's making Jon consider taking action against his rather unsavoury new comrades, I really like uh Peter Dinklage's performance here he really sells a guy who radiates confidence in his intellect and like he's completely assured he can toy with someone into doing whatever he needs
then some old bald guy comes to Lady Stark and basically says we're fucking broke after that royal visit and everyone important left and the edgy son arrives to tell her to get a fucking grip sitting over Bran all day when he spots a fire which idk how you even fought that back then and when he leaves Lady Stark turns around to see SOME ASSASSINS CREED LOOKING ASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH A DAGGER BEHIND HER
who I assume set the fire as a distraction and he says some shit about how this'll be a mercy I assume he was sent by the Lannisters to tie up loose vaginas and there is a dumb trope I see in movies sometimes where Lady Stark tries to defend him by grappling with him and she grabs his dagger with both hands and holds on uhhh yeah no he could just pull it away and it'd slice right through her flesh, there's no way in fuck to grip a fucking blade designed for cutting through meat with your fucking hands that are made of meat and hold it there, this happened in that Scottish history movie Rob Roy where he just grabs the sword of his enemy so he cant fight him as he stabs him, if you can just grab swords then whats the fucking point of them lmao, just do that all the time, anyway Cat fights literally tooth and nail biting his hand and shit as she's a real nigga ready to do anything for her kids but the assassin throws her away and is about to merc Bran when THE DIREWOLF JUMPS ON HIM AND TEARS HIM APART and then hops up on Brans bed to guard him as the assassin bleeds to death from his torn out throat fucking destroyed gayboy that's not really that edgy since the dog literally didn't do anything wrong and was just defending his master
then we see Sarah Connor #2 getting bathed by slave girls and she asks about the dragon eggs and one of them tells a tale she heard from the trader who brought them about how dragons come from the moon (ayy lmao) and she tells the other girls who tell a shitter story about the moon being the wife of the sun to fuck off so she can talk to this woman who tells her her mother sold her to a pleasure house when she was NINEhmm seems to be a uh lot of focus on underage girls being sexually exploited whats uh whats going on here GRRM hmm? I mean if I ever wrote a big work of fiction kids getting molested would be mentioned every page but that's because I'm extremely redpilled and know that's what makes the world turn I am pretty sure GRRM is just a sex weirdo but thankfully this handmaiden does the fucking Mohammad and Alisha meme of "oh I didn't have sex when I was 9 lol that would be so fucked up!..... don't worry I waited three years" oh ok great and then she asks her for sex tips on how to please her rapist lmao
then Jon and the crew finally arrive at... DONALD TRUMPS WALL wow it only took space and time running for so long it looped back around to being the medieval period for it to get built bravo cant wait for the carrier pigeon messages about how winter is coming disproves global warming
then Lady Stark does some ye olde fucking CSI shit where she goes to where they found Bran and looks up to where he fell out of and goes up to the tower and investigates the ground and finds... A LONG BLONDE HAIR hmmmmmmmm and with surprisingly fast plot progression
she just holds a meeting in the woods and tells her most trusted men that someone tried to kill Bran twice over something he saw any other show would have it be an entire season before they realized this and she elects to ride by herself and with an interesting approving nod from the older man the pigtailed neckbeard to go tell Sean Bean because she's worried the mods will read her DMs on ye olde twitter by intercepting her carrier crow
then there's some dank ass lesbian porn where the slave girl is sitting ontop of her showing her how to RIDE DICK and tells her to always look him in the eyes and talks about a woman who could "finish a man" just by making eye contact which she doesn't even get the reference due to having been a virgin only a few days ago and this was before the internet so idk how people even knew how to have sex and they intertwine their hands as the sex slave girl pins her hands down and when she worries that Aquaman wont like her ontop she tells him "you'll make him like it" and advice her to not "make love like a slave" and shows her how to ride ontop and Daenerys, lets just call her Dany, like spins her around so she's ontop, as if she could do that to some 250lb barbarian, and the slave says "out there he's the mighty Kahl, bit in here he belongs to you!" uhhhh Dany was probably right at first I doubt this ultra chad dude is into femdom shit but who knows maybe he wants his boipussy pegged deep down and the slave girl says some admiring shit to her about how this is why he married her or whatever, now I get that what's happening here is Dany is of strong enough will and sound enough mind to be using what few resources she has access to to improve her situation but honestly this is getting a bit into yikes territory since you could probably write this sort of thing where she figures out for herself maybe if she takes control of the sex it'll be easier for her or the other sex slave girl just tells her without showing her in some sapphic example since this just comes across like GRRM or DnD as the shows showrunners are referred to as are writing this shit one-handed if ya know what I'm memeing
anyway then later on Aquaman comes lumbering into their tent and stands right in front of her with his naked dick in her face and I assumed there would be le succ but he just goes to mount her for doggystyle again since he's a boring fuckboy who just wants the same position over and over again and when she says no and tries to turn around he just ignores her and aces her away again since he knows how to treat women properly but she says in Dothraki that she wants to look upon his face and manages to get ontop of him to ride him and he's like w-woah g-g-girl o-ontop.... ?!?!?! and literally looks confused at first but then gets into it and he sits up so they can make-out you can tell this fucking 50 year old obese wizard virgin GRRM read some like cosmo mag about how if your mans dick is too big try doing cowgirl but I think that's so the woman has more control over who deep he's going it probably doesn't make it any easier for a virgin bride if he immediately starts grabbing at her and fucking her anyway like Aquaman does but what do I know my sister only likes it ontopbut yeah uh very weird storyline about Dany learning how to fit her rapists cock more comfortably that I guess was meant to read as empowering as she starts to take even a little bit of control back but they had to make it into a sensual lesbian thing and then a sensual romance thing and it's all a bit cringy since uh yeah this guys been traded her like a goat and is fucking her against her will regularly which is meant to be horrible and fucked up not some erotic journey but that's what all erotic novels for women is about anyway"oh no this guy is a vampire/robot/caveman/demon/ghost/rogue AI/dictator/zombie/anthro bird monster/post-apoc raider/serial killer/werewolf/evil fairy/djinn/tribal cannibal/pirate/hitman/psycho/ninja/t-rex... b-but he's in love with me?!"so they love it and they deserve rape.... scene writing of this quality and my only problem with those sorts of books is they don't write these for men too and you know what just to prove I'm not a rape culture supporter I'll still give this to Kahl KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (COWGIRL RAPE) since she's clearly under duress and only having sex with him that way so she doesn't need to get her back walls smashed in like the last at least two times and I'm not sure if I'm gonna call edgy on this since the edgy thing about this is its trying NOT to be edgy its trying to be some hot passionate scene in the midst of this fucked up unhot situation so just another bit of americanism
then outside the castle Sansa is walking her direwolf when some local thot girls eye her up as if she's taking it into the woods to get knotted by it when suddenly a young woman's worst nightmare.... an ugly man... suddenly appears in front of her, and then to make matters even worse The Hound who's got some two-face shit going on appears behind her and the ugly guy looks edgily and walks off as The Hound explains The Mad King whoever that is cut out his tongue and Joffrey swaggers up saying some edgy shit about how he talks with his sword instead and calls The Hound a dog who he shoos away as hes scaring "m'lady" and his absolutely euphoric fedora tipping flirting is actually working on her as she walks off into the woods with her to find Arya practising fencing with her gingernut friend with wooden sticks and Joffrey starts the fuckboy antics right away by plying Sansa with wine and starts bullying the ginger nut and slicing at his cheek with his real sword but Arya whacks him with her stick and Joffrey being a right little psycho immediately starts trying to hack at her and screams ILL GUT YOU YOU LITTLE CUNT even though he knows shes a princess but then HER WOLF STARTS MAULING HIM LMAO
and Arya grabs Joffrey's sword and holds it to him who starts begging like a little bitch so Arya just throws it into the river and runs off and Sansa takes his side the dumb redhead thot and Joffrey gets all insecure that hes been rekt by a dog then we see Arya having to throw a rock at her dog so it'll leave her as they have guards looking to kill it for biting Joffrey and by nightfall Ned is out there still looking for her, wait I thought he had gone to the capital, or are the girls travelling with them, idk, and he gets told they already found her and he gets uppity the Lannisters didn't come to him first and oh, the king is his fat friend and Cersei's husband, and when Cersei tries to tell Ned to have respect for his king he snaps at her to be "quiet woman" lmao back in the kitchen, and Joffrey has gone crying to mummy claiming they attacked him first and it's a big embarrassment in front of all their men until... the Lannisters call out Sansa who seemed like she was going to take Joffrey's side but she bottles it and pretends not to remember and then Arya attacks her lmao not putting forward a very good case for your innocence and Cersei smirks as if she'd hoped that would have happened and maybe even arranged for them to first see each other again in front of everyone so it would and that's why she didn't send anyone to tell Ned herself and the lardass in cheif tries to just handwave it away as kids being kids but Cersei plays up Joffrey being a victim a bit too much so his father loses respect for him being disarmed by a girl with a stick which might actually be her intention again to get him frustrated in general and embarrassed in front of his men so that when he realizes they cant find the direwolf that bit Joffrey she can suggest... their other direwolf... Sansas... and the girls throw a tanty since that wolf wasn't even there and Ned tries to get mercy but fatty is already fired up so Ned, like the real man and/or depressed emo that he is, says he'll do it, and Cersei thinks this must be some sort of trick probably to egg him on to definitely doing it or like she cant believe anyone genuinely having respect for an animal, and on Ned's way out he finds The Hound coming back... with the corpse of the gingernut on his horse... and he just comments forlornly "he ran... not very fast" as if he at least knows it was the wrong thing to do which puts him above most of the other characters who just blindly follow orders not thinking twice about it
and as we see Ned slit the other wolfs throat, which I'll give a pass on the edgy rating since it happens just off-screen so whatever,... Bran wakes up... with quite the incest erotica to share
well that was a good scene with Cersei doing like four different things to manipulate that outcome she wanted I guess just to establish dominance over that family and let them know yeah this is their king and they're their bitch she's got a similar thing to the manlet going on where she's had to be manipulative because they cant overcome via physical force or commanding respect since one's disabled and the other is, even worse, a woman, welp these episode are actually flying by quite quickly I quite like the sort of decompressed style a lot of these idk what you call them premium cable or whatever shows like HBO, AMC and FX do where they don't just want to spew as many episodes as they can out there as cheap as they can like most network or whatever the american term is for the big five tv channels over there but shows like Breaking Bad can leisurely take their time letting you really live in a situation and let it slowly play out in a more subtle and realistic manner than rushing to hit the intro, middle and outro of a dialog like most shows do until you might only get like 6 scenes total in an episode and it works really well here where there's a very big cast like LOST bit instead of it centring on an A and B plotlike like that show you only really get one or two scenes with each character but they're in-depth and long enough to make it count and is ideal for le binge watching as opposed to having to wait a week in case you like only like one character or something and only get one scene of them per week which would be annoying and also good for my reviewing since style since each scene is more about the general subtext of what each character wants out of the situation rather than the ins and outs of each line or action like in some things I've reviewed a bit too extraneously
Game of Thrones 1x03: "Lord Snow" Lord Stark, I'm CIA special edition
First aired: May 1, 2011
so this episode opens with Ned and Jaime in the iron throne room, that looks pretty unsafe and like someones going to get poetically impaled on it at some stage, having another one of their subtle but not so subtle pissing contest conversations where Ned implies Jaime's a pussy for having such unscathed armor (even though I'm pretty sure he'd have multiple suits to replace any damage but ok) which is a bit grating but I get they're going for the divide between the classes of the way they talk where the upper class people pretend to be civilized and polite in front of each other but really underneath it they say the same unsavoury things to each other as the crass underclasses but I'm pretty sure irl no rich cunt actually talked like this that's just how people now adays think they did since that's what all of the writing was like but that's because reading and writing was a rare learned skill that you had to study formally for and they'd probably learn a very strict way to write probably using the bible and poetry heavily and it was only going to be read by people who had the same sort of very technical education but actually speaking out loud I doubt people stood there trading double entendres and metaphors all day long although at least it's not as bad as The Walking Dead where people talk entirely in obscure idioms and obtuse proverbs in the modern day but it does segway cleverly into instead of just vague insults Jaime just skips straight to bringing up his brother and father being immolated or something in the throne room in front of everyone by Aerys Targaryen "The Mad King", I assume the other incestuous siblings father, and apparently he killed him and I guess is bringing that up to remind Ned his family died like bitches but also he owes him for avenging them and maybe to soothe his ego after Ned called him the punk but Ned's not having any of it and implies he only literally backstabbed him because it was convenient
then we get introduced to two important characters that I know from memes some bald guy who's a eunuch which for some reason is treated by modern culture as just a weird idiosyncratic thing in the past when it's obviously fucking horrible probably because it happened to men so no one cares lmao and it literally still happens in modern day India where homeless eunuchs castrate homeless little boys so they never hit puberty and can pimp them out for longer and this is also looked upon as just some weird Indian cultural trope thing oh those weird Hijras they're like our trans people I guess when they literally kidnap children to mutilate them for profit and one one asks why all these males have been castrated fuck India and fuck humans and the second important character is apparently a master ruseman played by none other than Aidan Gillen aka CIA from TDKR aka the guy from the funny Bane memes and holy shit he's got his hands on his belt just like when we first see him in the plane scene lmaoooo
who greet Ned into their like advisors chamber and through extremely round about and flowery language it's established that CIA duelled Ned's brother, who was literally just called Brandon lol, over Caitlyn Tully, who's now Ned's wife, I'm guessing it's going to be a bit thing where he orbits her like a mad cunt after a certain someone gets beheaded and maybe it'll turn out he got his bother killed too and he just keeps taking out his romantic rivals to his oneitis or some extreme beta orbiting shenanigans and now that Ned is the Kings Hand he gets to sit with them and the other two advisors to do the actual work of running the kingdom when this lazy fat fuck wont even turn up to work and the first order of business is holding a tournament to honor Ned's appointment but it comes out that the Crown is SIX MILLION SHEKELS in debt because the king is a retard who just keeps borrowing money from the Lannisters lmao first day on the job and already panicking about the national debt so Ned just cancels the tournament from the stress but the eunuch guy assures him they serve at his pleasure probably because he can tell this dudes in the vulnerable position of being over-worked AND the only honest actor in the whole seven kingdoms with good intentions and no hidden agenda so he can manipulate him easily
then we see Joffrey getting his bitten arm treated by Cersei and she tries to lead him down the path of how to frame this as a victory by just lying that he killed the beast and only spared the girls out of respect for their father but he just whines depressed that he got humiliated in front of everyone and she tries to tell him that he's next in line so the truth will be whatever he can make it eventually and it seems Joffrey is getting second thoughts about marrying the seemingly very keen Sansa, I guess since he was so embarrassed in front of her but maybe also that he just hates her family now, but his mother tries to reassure him, ever the romantic, that he'd only need to see her on formal occasions and to produce heirs and if he wants to fuck "painted whores" or "virginal damsels" then he can do that too but he doesn't seem satisfied maybe because it's just fucking awkward his callously blunt mother is holding his face and talking about all the sex he can have but also probably mainly he's just a spoiled twat and doesn't want to be required to do anything in his entire life hell yeah dude I can relate to that but also it seems like I was right and he's particularly uppity at the Starks for what happened and he starts ranting about how ideas for being king where he'd double the Starks taxes and make them give 10K men for a standing royal army rather than just calling for other Lords men when they need it which is I think a reference to some English king who's name I forgot who first came up with that idea and basically founded the British army like 500 years ago and Cersei seems pleased he has his own ideas for leadership but teases him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is yet and he risks those men rebelling if he needed to overthrow the Starks and she warns him "the North can not be held by outsiders, it's too big and too wild" which is maybe a reference to how Scotland was never successfully invaded like every other cuck nation in human history and various invading forces just had to like stop at the border because we're fucking mental and this whole 7 kingdoms thing is basically the UK and the cold-ass north could be read as Scotland especially with the situation of a Lord being a cuck and bowing to the capital down south for shekels and political marriages even if they cant be physically conquered and Cersei tells him "anyone who isn't us is an enemy" huh good parenting
and then we see Arya being edgy stabbing a knife into a dinner table over and over again because she wants revenge on Joffrey, this show really is fitting to be a telltale game since it all revolves around if characters are loyal, manipulative or vengeful towards each other like everyone has one of those relationship charts with their different emotional statuses towards every other character in some big network of autism, and Ned sends her to her room and gives Sansa a doll as a present but she's being all huffy because Arya was mad at her too and Ned just sighs and says "war was easier than daughters" lmao an interesting counter-scene to Cersei trying to parent a son where she just assumes all he wants is sex because he's male and that's how she manipulates every other man even her own fucking brother and probably wishes it was that "easy" with him we also have Ned who just wants his daughters to be little princess girls forever who only care about playing with dolls and not be their own complex people he can't understand and then he goes to Arya to try and explain the delicate political situation they have to put up with to avoid war even if it means basically selling his own daughter and starts going on about the Winter is Coming meme the most obvious reading of this is it's literally winter where people back then had to take seriously planning for or they'd fucking starve to death but it might also be a reference for a time of war or hardship in general and child born outside of that might not understand how serious life can get and isn't just all about what you feel is right in the moment aka all the numales who love this show and wish they lived in this setting and Ned not being a total lame-o lets Arya keep her sword
and then we see Bran laying in bed in a mood from presumably being fucked up and scared if he should tell or not and some old lady is trying to cheer him up and she says to him "oh my sweet summer child" which is a meme I've read redditors saying for the last 8 years I never knew it was from this I just assumed it was some faggy song or something that makes up 50% of all reddit posts but now I get the reference to summer that these little zoomer kids don't understand what its like having a winter that goes on for years (that would obviously completely destroy a civilization of this stage and no one would ever live in this area like how no one lives in the north or south pole since even people who've adapted to living in the arctic circle can't take a winter lasting for like literally 6 months but ok) and she tells him an edgy story about how a thousand years ago there was a winter that lasted a generation where kings froze in their castle just like a farmer in their hut and mothers smothered their babies rather than see them starve and felt the tears freeze on their cheeks and Bran perks up and she's like "is that the kind of story you like?" and Bran nods because he's taken a crash course, literally, in edge recently and she tells him that's when the White Walkers came riding their dead horses and hunting with spiders as big as hounds nice build-up for some over arching villains we're not going to be able to see again for like 5 seasons and then one of Bran's brothers comes in and excuses the old lady and tries to handwave her scary story by saying she once told him the sky is blue because they lived in a giants eye and Bran says "maybe we do" lmao is this what flatearthers said back when everyone thought the world was flat so they could still be edgy (j/k we knew the earth was round for like 5000 years you dumb tinfoil retards) and whoever this nicer brother comes to ask Bran if he really fell but Bran's claiming he is and starts saying he'd rather be dead than unable to walk I guess he's smart enough to know that spilling the beans will just cause ever unfolding violence but him being alive will just endanger everyone close to him if he's been told about the assassin sent for him or maybe he's just worried they'll assume he's told more and more for as long as he's alive and will be more and more likely to turn on them
then we see the dude with the pigtails neckbeard is consoling Lady Stark in Kingslanding because she doesn't want to be noticed around there from all the drama with Ned's brother and CIA I assume but some guards arrive to escort them into the city uh oh and it is CIA that sent for her who sends some thots away it looked like he was educating or something and he's like oh Cat! but she replies "you little worm!" and throws his note at her lmao oh yeah that's right his name is Wormtongue or is that the dude from LOTR idk all the same gay nerd shit and she starts ranting "you take me for some back alley sally you can drag into a-" and then another of his whores and a john come out with her tits out he has to snap to leave lmao awkwaaaaard and another moment that will shock no one but boomer americans and like 11 year old boys whos parents don't let him on the computer or have a phone to jerk off to when he gets the DVDs if anyone even does that anymore
and it turns our the castrated baldy Varys told him she was coming and asks about the assassins dagger which he heard about from his "little birdies" which I assume he means spies but maybe intercepting actual birds because I think hes like the royal spymaster or something that handles all their intelligence agency shit, so ironically he is the CIA not CIA, and he's probably the one who sent the assassin in the first place, but he claims not to know, and CIA mocks him for finally knowing something he doesn't, maybe foreshadowing that no, he does know, since it seems out of character to not already know everything, and he admits it's actually his that he lost betting on Jaime in jousting, ok I guess they don't always fight to the death and I guess he does just change his armor when he loses a fight lel, and CIA claims Tyrion was the one who won it, which is an obvious frame job since Tyrion is smart enough not to give an assassin a one-of-a-kind blade, damn detective work was hard for all of human history before you could just follow CCTV footage and read smartphone records and know a criminals entire life inside and out lmao
then we see Jon training with the other knight watchmen to serve at The Wall and the CO guy taunts Jon for being a posh tit who thinks hes better than them but he manages to beat every other guy he sends at him, is it just me or are these big heavy swords shit weapons? I'd rather have a knife or an axe or something I can quickly swing at someone rather than heave this big thing around you could easily avoid and counter, but maybe they're moving so slow because they have heavy chainmail and leather armor on from the cold weather or something, heh bet I could beat him with my katana which is clearly superior nippon steel folded one thousand times and then we see the general giving Tyrion a note he got for Jon but seemingly didn't give to him
and we cut to Jon getting a note with presumably the same news and CIA comes up acting all smug like he already knows its contents and takes him, to his surprise, to see his wife who, to his even worse surprise, CIA has stashed in one of the whorehouses he owns lmao, and Ned grabs him by the throat up against a wall and tells him "you're a funny man" thinking he took him across the city just to make a joke about his wife being a whore lmao and is about to choke him out no matter how much the soyboy scrambles to pull his hand off since the silvertongued CIA is at the disadvantage of not being able to talk at all until Cat pokes her head out and Neds like wtf yeah don't prank Ned he wont wait for you to tell him where the camera is bro
then back at The Wall or whatever some other new recruits attack Jon for embarrassing them in training but Tyrion walks in and very casually as if he's just boasting about the size of his dick or something says they have interesting faces as if to disarm them with confusion first so they're not as riled up when he threatens them and then drops "I wonder if they'd look good on pikes outside Kingslanding? I could write to my sister about it..." and they get the hint and back off telling him they'll see him later and Jon tanks Tyrion for at least being honest about what a shithole The Wall is because he feels Ned abandoned him by letting him go up there by Tyrion tells him the guys who just attacked him have sob stories too, one was abandoned by his father and the other was arrested for stealing cheese for his starving sister and was offered losing a hand or signing up, except they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a royal family, and the guys look like he's glad he's being reasonable to them and Jon might be an arrogant prick but he feels rejected by the world just like them as if Tyrion knows just what to say to defuse the tension between them so they can both have some compassion for each other
then back at Kingslanding CIA is warning the Starks it'd be considered treason to accuse Tyrion and he'd just claim the dagger was stolen, I guess this is him manipulating them into using more underhanded methods to deal with this rather than announce to the whole world what they think is happening since he knows Tyrion is smart enough to realize it was him and is also smart enough to fuck with him back, and Cat assures Ned that CIA is "like a little brother to me, he'd never betray my trust" yeah I bet he is, in this royal family at least, and CIAs got them in such a spot that Cat is left thanking him for being such a good friend (lmao friendzoned!!!) and saying she wont forget this and him getting to just tell them don't tell anyone about this, this dude, Tyrion and Cersei all rule and are the most interesting part of the show but I understand how we need to see the dumbasses they manipulates lives too to get the full picture
then we see Jaime turn up at Cersei's bedroom and it seems he was the one who sent the assassin, possibly on CIAs advisement, and thinks its no big deal since "I think we can outfox a ten year old" kek and just flippantly says he'll go to war with Ned if he has to, which he already seems to be wanting to do anyway because he's an insecure vain Chad who cant take some banter, and he says "maybe they'll write a ballad about us, The War For Cersei's Cunt" HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA and Cersei looks like she's thinking she needs to reassert herself and slaps him but he just grabs her and holds her tight and she cries to be let go thinking he's about to get raped but Jaime starts muttering about how he'd kill the boy, all the Starks and the whole world until their the only ones left and she just endures the discomfort of being treated like a piece of property by her brother because it's in her best interest to keep him that insanely devoted to her than have someone so petty and impulsive getting angry at her
then outside we see the Starks talking about how Cat needs to leave while Ned finds evidence and they mention ah his name is Littlefinger ok I wonder what that's in reference to his fucking DICK maybe since he's stuck in the friendzone worse than comic!Thanos
and we see the king, who's weirdly one of the most underwritten characters despite being the centre piece to all the other like 20 odd characters lives who's only character so far is he's lazy and can't be dealing with any interpersonal or bureaucratic drama, and he talks to some general guy about how it's been so many years but he remembers every face and asks him who was his first and how he did it and I thought he was talking about having sex with women at first but the general replies "lance through the heart" and the king replies "quick one, lucky... for you" lmao nice Baneposting reference there DnD which is interesting that the king has enough honesty to admit his first kill was unpleasant for him but as he tells the story of killing a young man with a war hammer in the battle it seems he came to power from he laughs at how he "they never mention how they always shit themselves, they never put that in the songs" but by the end of it he's lost the humor of it and looks grim again and starts ranting about how if only this guy was smart he'd still be alive with a wife making him miserable, ingrate sons and having to wake 3 times a night to piss into a bowl getting more and more mad like he's just ranting about his own life as if he wishes he'd just died in a glorious battle rather than have this boring stressful life idk who this actor is but he's pretty great and when he barks for wine he starts mocking his servants name, Lancel Lannister, lmao more like Incel Lannister as this dweeby looking guy just stands there taking the king chewing him out for letting the wine run out, and he tells him to bring his cousin in there, but when he opens the door Jaime is already there standing with his back away and his arm on his sword in his fancy armor looking like some edgy anime character as he turns to smugly look at his brother in law as the king laments "ugh surrounded by Lannisters, every time I close my eyes I see their blonde hair and smug smiles" and starts trying to wind up Jaime by calling him "Kingslayer" and about now being his sentry as his king "eats and drinks and shits and fucks" and eggs him on to tell about his first kill "not counting old men" lmao and he starts reminiscing about glories of the past with the general guy and the king gets miffed that these two clearly respect each other more than him so starts asking him about killing the Mad King asking what his last words were and Jamie stares off into the distances with a maybe put on thousand-yard-stare to try to hammer home what a burden his mighty heroism must be especially when compared to the listless current king "he said what he'd been saying for hours... burn them all" and the kings face falls in a great way as this little piece of trivia works on him and he realizes he cant talk shit because his decision was popular and this guy who's now guarding his bedchambers is a real nigga who'd have no problem mercing him too if he thought it'd benefit him and Jaime smugly asks "if there's anything else your Grace?" and gets no reply so just struts out as the king glares after him as if he's thinking "fuck, another prick to look out for" lmao what a Chad
then we cut to the Dothraki riding through what looks like a massive bamboo forrest as Dany asks her orbiter if they buy their slaves but he says they dont believe in money, fucking communists no wonder they're homeless savages, most of them were given as gifts to cities trying to appease them when they turn up but sometimes if the men are too weak, the women are too ugly or they just haven't had a good fight in a while... presumably its rape and pillaging time and when Dany sees a warrior on a horse whipping a slave she starts testing to see how much authority she has as the queen by commanding the caravan to stop presumably with the intention of maybe one day stopping their enslaving and war mongering ways but she also says she's not a queen she's a Kalesee or whatever their word for queen is as she understands she's going to have to integrate into their culture if she's going to gain any respect from them, I feel like maybe this character arc is a bit rushed, maybe she's just a strong willed person but it's not very engaging to only find out about this as she's gaining control in her arranged marriage within the second or third episode, maybe that could have been shown before hand or have her be a little bit more helpless for longer before she more gradually starts gaining the will and knowledge on how to turn her situation around, since so far it just seems like Aquaman's a retarded meathead and not much to overcome for someone seemingly as resourceful and smart as Dany and also you'd think if she was this brave and cunning she might have employed these traits before being sold off into marriage by her dipshit brother and have found a way out of that, maybe we've verging into a bit of the ol, ya know... dare I say it... Mary Sue territory here
anyway then she wanders off into the bamboo forest to finally have some alone time but then HER BROTHER RIDES OUT, grabs her throat and starts ranting and raving about how he's the king of the seven kingdoms and he doesn't take orders from savages or their sluts (pretty sure slut is not an appropriately old-timey slur but GRRM is too busy edging to his maledom fantasies to care I guess, hopefully some black characters get called the n-word at some stage)
but then without a sound for forced dramatic effect a horse riding warrior thwaps a whip around his throat and pulls him down and asks through a translater if she wants him dead and she *immediately* says no, probably because he's her best chance of getting out of there or keeping respect not out of any affection, and the warrior says arrogantly but still in this made-up language (even though everyone speaks English for some reason, why not just have these people speak actual Mongolian or something?) that she should take an ear off him to teach respect but she begs for him not to be hurt and the beta orbiter guy looks at her sympathetically and she gets the hint that these savages don't have any respect for begging for mercy so she instead says more forcefully that she doesn't want him harmed as more of an order and the warrior is confused as to why you'd show mercy to someone who just had a sword to you but lets him go and the uppity fuckboy brother orders the orbiter who I guess is his general or something to kill "these Dothraki dogs" and he just looks at the warrior who looks back at him like "what?" like he didn't even do anything wrong and her brother starts having a complete tanty at the orbiter guy for ignoring his order who them just completely ignores him like he's so obviously right her brother wont even do shit about it once he calms down and he picks up his sword in a huff and storms back to his horse but the warrior has taken its reigns and orders him to walk lmao absolutely cucked
then back at The Wall, which is a location that's very visually drab and boring and not as comfy as the nice more elaborate and renaissance ish architecture and southern European weather in Kingslanding which I much prefer spending time in, Jon is taking ye olde elevator that's powered entirely by one guy pushing a crank lmao all the way up to the top, to see his friend who kind of looks like if Kylo Ren had a kid with Jon Hamm to even out his ugliness and they look out over the back of The Wall and talks about some disturbing reports they've been having but refuses to take Jon with him because "here, a man gets what he earns, when he earns it" which I take it means he either gets respect when he shows he deserves it or he's going to get fucked up if he keeps acting arrogant because there's no privileges to hide behind in this tough barren shithole hundreds of miles away from civilization, watching this fucking show is a lot of work since everyone talks in fucking parables and you have to constantly be thinking of all the different things it applies to fugging ell
and inside Tyrion is buttering up some guy by letting him joke about how he once had to eat a bears balls to survive up here and when he asks the strangest thing he's ever eaten he gets the answer "do Dornish girls count?" I guess this is the best representation for Little People™ you could get since not only is he a well written relatively likeable character he's also a Chad who lays mad pipe too lmao but Jons friend comes in getting uppity about Tyrion thinking they're just an army of jesters to a Lannister like him and he just snaps back that they don't have enough men for an army and only Yoren here is particularly funny as if just to signal that he wont be challenged just because of his size and the dude seems to realize he's not going to be able to shove this guy around so backs off the aggression but still laments that 50% of the boys up there die for guys like him to live in luxury which Tyrion just makes a quip about to try and diffuse the situation and then starts trying to butter him up too saying how much respect he has but the guy calls him out for bullshitting him as if no amount of slick talking will distract from the facts of both their lifestyles so he changes tactics and says he respects them... but... there's no white walkers or giants or ghouls behind The Wall and the only difference between them and the Wildlings is that their ancestors happened to be on the wrong side when The Wall went up as if he's starting to play him at his own ye olde SJW game of whining about privilege when he's the one making sure a bunch of impoverished people stay trapped in a frozen tundra and the dude admits hes right but then adds that there's more than just the Wildlings out there and storms off which Tyrion laughs off as soon as he's gone as if he's letting this guy think he's asserted himself successfully to him so he wont give him any trouble but also appearing like he can take anything as a joke like the new friend he's making so he's keeping both of them on his good side when otherwise he'd probably have been punked out and looked like an asshole to both of them
then we see Dany getting her hair braided by her handmaiden who she's getting language lessons from and since this show can't go one scene without an awkward sex reference she starts groping Dany's breast and asking when she last bled and it hits her that uh oh... she's pregnant!
and then we see the orbiter guy talking to the warrior guy about how their slashing curved weapons are good for horseback attacks but they need a piercing weapon like his sword to fight the men in plate armor, as if answering my previous question about why people swing about these huge steel fuckers at each other, and he mentions how his father was a warrior too but he betrayed him and they get interrupted by the handmaiden demanding the warrior go hunt for Dany suggesting dog if he has to but the orbiter guy says she wouldn't want to eat dog lol not even the medieval people in this show are as backwards as modern day Chinese but she spills the beans that Dany is preggers and the warrior comments "a blessing from the great stallion" yeah you can say that alright heheheh but I guess that's their deity, and the orbiter says he needs to leave and makes an edgy comment before leaving that their hoard is easy to find as if to imply he's le master tactician that's always keeping battle strategies on his mind
then we see Tyrion watching Jon training with those guys who attacked him again but this time they're having fun and Jon's giving them constructive criticism they accept and they give a smile to each other as if he knows he has Tyrion to thank for manipulating them all to get along which is a nice counterpoint to all the other manipulating characters like Cersei and CIA who only hurt other people with their manipulations and he goes to talk to some old blind seeming guy who starts ranting about how Winter Is Coming™ and the commander guy lets him know about the reports they got on the White Walkers and I guess this guy wasn't blind he just likes staring off into space and he warns the Nights Watch is in shambles and cant stand up to an attack and they plead with him to get the king to send reinforcements
then back with Dany we see her laying next to Aquaman, with what looks like the indentation from a modern day underwire bra on her side lel or maybe a scar from heart surgery or something idk I'm a virgin and she starts buttering him up talking about how she knows it's a boy and making out with him
then back at The Wall Tyrion is pissing off the side of it lmao and if you look closely you can see yeah for a dude standing in the freezing cold he does have a pretty big flaccid dick for his size although I assume its not the actors real dick and he makes a comment to Jon about how "its either me or this cold, and its not leaving" to explain why he's leaving and I'm just so used to the double entendre way of speaking I thought he was trying to say his dick is usually bigger and trying to blame it on the cold rather than his own usual size or something sulis and they lament Bran being crippled before shaking hands goodbye, hopefully Jon isn't quarantined from the narrative up at The Wall for the next 7 seasons like its starting to feel like Dany is going to be
then back in Kingslanding some Bob Ross looking swarthy afro fuck appears calling Arya "boy", uh excuse me dont misgender that hunchback of notre dame girl, with a wacky ass accent to train Arya to swordfight I assume on the behest of Ned, and he says the usual retarded flowery shit about how the sword needs to be part of your arm and men are made of water or something because if you stick them they leak I guess he's accidentally right humans are like 95% water or something and Ned looks on proud that she's confident enough to get into it but then his face starts to fall as he gets some like fucking PTSD flashbacks of war and we just get the audio of men yelling and metal clanging as he remembers their lifestyle aint no fucking game and getting her into this will probably just end with her dead in a bloody battle, little does he know that she became a ridiculously OP blind ninja or some shit lmao, alright that was a pretty boring episode, nothing too edgy or violent happened it was just a bunch of scheming and elaborating on relationships more onto the next one
Game of Thrones 1x04: "Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things" the twin towers special edition
First aired: May 8, 2011
in a I presume flashback or maybe more likely from the lonely atmosphere a dream we see Bran following a crow into a walkway that turns to look at him to reveal it has THREE EYES that I'm sure will come into play later, then he wakes up and his edgier brother comes in and demands he come visit someone called Rob with him and he calls in fan favorite braindamaged numpty Hodor who's this big fat guy who waddles in and replies "Hodor?" and picks Bran up I already know why he says that and it's so dumb I doubt it was originally in the books it seems like something an idiot who wants to make a clever reveal on a tv show would come up with
then we see Tyrion talking to Rob who I guess is Ned's oldest son since he's in command while he's away and this must be weeks later for him to be back down home and he laments seeing Bran get carried in by this big hulking tard and starts to ask him about what happened to him and an old guy claims he cant remember anything so he asks Hodor to kneel but he doesn't respond until Bran orders him to so I guess he's totally loyal to the Stark family that he wouldn't even take a polite suggestion from a Lannister and he tries to cheer him up by saying he can still ride and tries to bond over him also being disabled before handing over a diagram for a special harness he just invented himself it seems which shows hes pretty damn smart and Rob is being a prick and asks if this is some sort of trick but Tyrion just says he "has a soft spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things" which is nice even though he just assured Bran that he's not a cripple lel and Bran gives him his first smile since waking and Rob tries to play nice but Tyrion just struts out saying he'll go to a brothel instead of staying here lmao
and outside one of the brothers or cousins or whatever the fuck with the last name Greyjoy who I know a certain bad thing happens to him later comes out to suggest he sees a redhead hooker called Ros lol and Tyrion can tell he doesn't like Rob in charge so ribs him a bit on it to get him thinking they have a common rival so he'll be more open to share the real goss on what's been going on here and Greyjoy tries to lie for them but Tyrion sees is instantly and starts mocking him for being the last Greyjoy and now just a lackey and we get some history on how the Greyjoys tried to rebel against the Lannisters but their only victory was burning a bunch of their sailors alive in their ships and now Greyjoys brothers are all dead and he's his enemy's squire so I guess he's a cuckboy slave for the entire story lmao and Tyrion seems to realize he's not going to get anything from him because all he has left is being loyal to the Starks, quips about being a disappointment to his father too, tosses him a coin for his next go on Ros and promises to try not to wear her out and rides off like a pimp as Greyjoy stands there miffed he got memed on by a midget
then back at dull central The Wall we see Jon training with the lads again when this fat as fuck neckbeard new recruit waddles up sweating falling over his words and saying he's there to take the black (uniform I assume, not cock) and one of the lads quips "YEAH COME TO TAKE THE BLACK PUDDING XD" lmao fucking fat shamed, this dude looks like he'd be wearing a fedora if they were invented yet sulis, but they're in such a state that the CO will take anyone they can get and they has them spar with him and one of the lads immediately thumps him down with his sword, that I assume is some blunt training sword since it doesnt cut him, and the fatty starts whining "I wield! please no more!" pathetically lmao and the CO orders him to hit him until he finds his feet and he yelps in pain and fear as the CO calls him a squealing pig lmao and Jon steps in to help him and the CO says "looks like the bastards in love" uh excuse me it's 420AD or whatever you cant make homophobic jokes anymore so then the CO orders the other two lads to try and attack the fatty again if they can get through Jon who then kicks their ass even though they say they dont want to fight him with the last one yielding almost right away like a little bitch too, and the fatty introduces himself to Jon as Sam but both him and one of the lads admonish him for not fighting back and he just admits straight up that he's a coward and then waddles off with his ill fitting armor as the lads immediately start fighting each other over if they should even talk to him or not and Jon just looks at them like holy fuck this place is a shitshow lmao
then in some fucking Africa looking hillside the Dothraki arrive at their what passes for their capital city and the dickhead brother starts whining that it's just "a pile of mud and shit and twigs" but Dany gets offended about the way he talks about "my people" but he claims they're his people because they're his army and gets huffy that they're marching the wrong way yeah from gif files from back when they still made those I know he hasn't thought this shit through and Dany asks the orbiter guy if the Dothraki could really take whatever the fantasy UK is called that I forgot already and he says the fatass king is stupid enough to take them head on and lose but the men advising him that he used to fight alongside with are considerably smarter and Dany admonishes him for selling slaves and he blames his wife for being too expensive lmao and then he admits that she's now "in another place with another man" lmao so not only is he orbiting Dany, he was a beta bux and now a cuck, nice, got the soyboy trifecta going on there
then we see the brother taking a bath with some whore, I cant even tell if she's Dany's handmaiden who taught her how to ride dick since white people all look the same, and she's flirting with him about how they say he has dragon blood in his veins and he tells her about how when dragons used to be roaming around his ancestors rode them and their fire forged the iron throne out of their enemies fallen swords and that's why it's rightfully his and she talks about how she'd love to see one because they're so free and can burn away anyone that tries to hurt them and as she says this she drips some hot wax on his completely hairless chest much to his surprise but kinky enjoyment and this dickheads idea of flirting is saying she'd be glad to see just the sky after 12 years in a whorehouse and she effortlessly puts up with him and says shes seen loads of things like a man who can change his face like other men change their clothes, I assume shes referring to these like shapeshifting assassins or some shit I've seen in some later episode when shit gets a lot less high quality and the brother confesses hes never seen a dragon because they've all died but he tries to impress her by talking about how the iron throne room used to have huge dragon skulls on display and she takes his dick and puts it inside her as he starts listing all their wacky fantasy names because she's so turned on by dragons she needs to fuck right then and there or more likely knowing this show has an ulterior motive to be asking about access to dragon relics because she asks about where they are now but he realizes somethings going on and is like wtf did I buy you for to make him sad about how dragons are dead and his family aren't in charge anymore and she says "uh to teach your sister..." because it seems he instructed her to tell Dany how to ride dick lmao and he laughs that she thinks he did that to make Aquaman happy and tells her to just get on with it and she starts riding his dick again but now with her a lot more awkward and him less flustered as if he's not comfortable having sex with a woman who can be in control enough to please him he just wants to be able to be in control of her even if its not as pleasurable and I guess the implication here is he hired her to teach Dany how to ride dick because he's planning on having her back from Aquaman and fucking her himself or something lmao ok good stuff
then back in the iron throne room some nun woman or whatever is bigging up Sansa that her husband and maybe one day son will sit on that throne and Sansa asks what if she only has girls and the nun says then the throne would pass to Joffrey's little brother who I don't think we've even seen yet but her main concern is Joffrey doesn't like her now and the nun lady tries to distract her with her trivia lessons but Sansa realizes this is where her grandfather and uncle were murdered by the Mad King and the nun lady tells her to talk to her father about it who she still hasn't forgiven for slitting her dogs throat lmao
then we cut to Ned who looks like he's about to pass out from the stress of his life as the head of security is reporting the city is being shitted up by all the people flooding in there for the tournament they cant fund thanks to the fatass kings socialist money policies lmao and Ned orders CIA to pay for 50 more men for him to keep the peace and as the guy leaves Ned starts nervously drinking like he's about to be sick from all this bullshit and CIA and Varys start trying to convince him the tourney is actually good for the economy from all the tourists which is what people say to try to justify spending billions of tax payer money on the royal family in the real world UK too lmao and Ned just gives in and excuses them but he catches one elderly and asks about the last Kings Hand who died from illness... surprisingly fast... and this was in ye olden times where people just got sick and died for no reason so it'd probably be pretty easy to poison someone and get away with it and the old man says he came to him before he died asking for a book and tries to dissuade Ned from bothering with it maybe because he knows sniffing up the same street as the last guy might end him up with the same ate but Ned persists and it turns out to be a book about the family trees of the seven royal families of the realm and he takes a look at it and reads some long ass fucking family tree shit that is the very reason I'm never going to read the bible or finish LOTR cus this shit is boring AF and the old man admits it's "a ponderous read" lmao but Ned's still pondering if he was murdered and floats the idea that poison is a woman's weapon and the old man says "women, cravens... and eunuch... did you know lord Varys is a eunuch?" I get the impression that he's giving Varys to him because it WASN'T him, he just wants to distract Ned since he knows if Ned gets onto the real culprits they'll fucking kill him just for having this conversation
then Ned leaves with this huge book and finds Arya standing on one foot at the top of some stairs as part of her training and next up is catching cats lmao and they talk about how Bran can still have a future in power without being a warrior now he's crippled and she wants to do that shit too but not only does succession to thrones skip women but they cant even get a shitty castle architect job and he tells her she'll get to marry a high lord and rule his castle instead and its her sons that get to be knights which is a theme with Cersei that she can never have true power herself from just being born female so shes trying to live vicariously through her son but Arya isn't too keen on that and goes back to her standing on one foot training and Ned lets himself admire her for just a brief second without worrying about when reality will inevitably come crashing down ontop of her
then back at boring central The Wall we see Jon standing guard ontop of it when the fatass comes waddling up to be his new partner but admits his eyesight isnt too good and he's scared of heights lmao he'd definitely be a neckbeard in our world and Jon's like wtf is a man like you doing up here and he admits that on his 18th birthday his dad basically said you're not worthy of inheriting our land so you either join the Watch or you'll have a little hunting accident... or so I'll tell your mother, lmao I bet it turns out he's a child molester or some shit for his dad to hate him that much, and he starts greeting and gurning about how he doesn't want to fight again but Jon jokes with him that at least its impossible for him to get any worse and he laughs for the first time yep guessing something horrible will happen to him
then back in Kingslanding CIA has already heard of Ned's investigations and since it seems like he is most likely the one doing all of Jaime and Cersei's dirty black ops shit for them he starts sending Ned onto the trail of someone called Ser Hugh but he points out a little boy and warns Ned that he's one of Varys' "little birds" yeah I bet he molests them despite having no balls lis and he calls him "the spider" as of he has a web that reaches everywhere and then he points out a gardener and says he's a spy that belongs to the queen and then a septa, I guess a nun, who's reading, and Ned asks Varys or the queen? and he goes no... shes one of mine! super smugly lmao he literally is CIA and there's some well done foreboding mysterious music as CIA asks him if there's anyone he trusts above all, and he says yes, and he says "the wiser answer would be no", but then sends him to talk to Ser Hugh instead... and then an armoror because he hears he went to see him, and Ned apologizes for distrusting him but CIA says "distrusting me is the wisest thing you've done since coming off your horse" with a cocky smirk and then struts away this fucking actor sure does overdo it in everything I've seen him in and it's a bit on the nose this guy is acting super smug about how untrustworthy he is if his whole shtick is manipulating people but I guess he's just so good at it he's gotten too big an ego but I do like this them of Ned who's used to how they do it up North being very all-cards-on-the-table about everything where you just do your mans duty and carry out every decision you make by yourself so the whole world can see you're a straight shooter but in the big capital city everyone's got some proxy to hire a proxy to hire a proxy to backstab some cunt to get their way
then we see some guy working in the tournament area being constructed with the very scientific measuring method of counting his paces up and down a jousting track when one of Ned's guards comes up and calls him Ser Hugh but he just brushes him off for not being a knight like him and then later Ned's man relays this to him and he basically says hes probably a pussy who's never seen an arrow coming at him so they go to the armoror who says the previous Hand was only there to talk to his assistant who's a surprisingly blunt fellow who tells Ned the helmet hes making is for himself and isn't for sale much to his masters distress but Ned likes it and then inquires what they were talking about and he admits he was asking about his mother for some reason even though she died when he was little and Ned finds this rightfully weird and demands the boy look at him but he just looks sad to be thinking about his dead mum so he believes him and lets him go and Ned cant tell not only is has this kid got big balls to talk to the Kings Hand like that but he's doing it out of self-respect not any disrespect to him so tells the blacksmith guy if he ever wants to wield a sword instead of making them send him to him as guys with the decent kind of courage like that are rare to come by and when his man asks him whats up he says he found the current fatass kings bastard son ah I guess that's why he was looking him in the eyes to tell if he was lying but also maybe looking for a family resemblance
then we see Jaime standing guard outside the fatasses chambers when the guard comes up with a message from Ned but Jaime is busy listening intently to the king fucking whores lmao and demands the other man guess how many women he has in there and starts grumbling about how he makes him stand guard when he does this and "insults his sister" so hes mad that the king's NOT fucking his sister/lover what a cuck it seems like Jaime just has a chip on his shoulder and is eager to find a grievance with any other powerful man probably has a share of the ol daddy issues and then a whore awkwardly runs out and Ned's guard tries to get down to business but Jaime wont stop being a prick to him but he seems used to coddling the egos of powerful men so brings up that they met before at a battle and Jaime calms down from reminiscing about his past glorious fights and of some guy charging at the Greyjoys with a flaming sword and Jaime mentions that seeing, ah yes that's his name, Theon, who know lives with the Starks for some reason, was like "seeing a shark on a mountain top" I guess he did a bit of the ol war crimes or something, and then another two whores get sent out with even more heard from inside and the minion guy looks annoyed as if he can tell he's lost Jaime's co-operation now he's triggered again but tries to give him the message anyway and Jaime just snaps that he doesn't serve Stark and he walks off leaving Jaime to sit there fuming for probably no reason since I doubt the king thinks he cares that much about his loyalty to his sister since it's probably only a political marriage in the first place to the king its probably just a prank bro and doesn't know Jaime is the ye olde version of a grievance collector who thinks every little awkward thing to happen is someone out to get him for no reason and his only outlet is going about killing people in war so he'd probably be the kind of person to take a gun to work one day in the modern world
then back at boring central the other lads are teasing Jon about having to work with Sam but he admonishes them for joking about his weight and insists they don't hurt him anymore and the resident asshole behind him turns around and calls him gay again and says he'll slice him off some bacon so the solution to this is that night Jon and his two mates, who formally tried to murder him lmao, ambush the asshole guy in his sleep with a fucking albino wolf growling down at him at first I thought it was Sam they were ambushing and they were going to take him outside at night and force him to train to toughen him up so he can face up to the bullies or something but no they're just going to let him be a useless gimp until he gets someone killed and then the next day the OC guy is making the bully guy fight Sam and the bully just like super weak taps him on the shoulder obviously telegraphing it and stewing in frustration that he cant do anything to him with Jon watching but this fatass is so useless he cant even dodge it when hes not even trying and is going to get his ass eaten by a wolf or something but the CO can tell hes throwing and shoves him away and orders one of Jon's friends to spar with him and the guy lets fatty get a free shot in his arm and the CO can instantly tell whats going on and grabs Jon and starts lecturing them all about how this aint a fucking game and when they're out beyond the Wall they better have a man at their back and not some snivelling boy and storm off I feel like that could have been a way edgier speech there where he rants about Wildlings cannibilizing them and going for fatty first or some shit but he just leaves it at that
then back at the Dothraki "city" Dany's shithead brother storms into her tent dragging the handmaiden by her hair ranting about how she sent him to give him orders and this dumb thot admits in front of him while crying to Dany that she did what she asked and she has her other handmaiden taking her out and bleeding heart libcuck Dany asks why he hit her and he just starts having a tantrum fucking throwing her wedding gifts at her and insisting he wont be turned into a savage idk what he's so triggered about ah I guess it was Danny that sent the girl to ask about dragons because she took an interest in those eggs and I think it's to do with her pregnancy maybe she heard some weird myths about their family's bloodline being able to birth dragons or something and he's triggered she'd send someone to manipulate him and Dany seems to have started to genuinely respect their culture because shes defending it to him or maybe shes just trying to wind him up into laying hands on her knowing she can get him into trouble with the Dothraki or some shit and yep there we go he slaps her so hard she falls over and he starts going on about how "you are a horselords slut and now you've awoken the dragon!"lmao "woken the dragon" this guy would be a fucking weeaboo if he was alive now adays and I take it he's talking about his fucking BONER here because he gets ontop of her like hes going to rape her but it's more like he's a dumb little kid play fighting with his sister or something because she slaps him across the face with a chain and he rolls over and cringes in pain like hes such a bitchboy and Dany stands up for herself, literally, and says "I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki! I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me! the next time you raise a hand to me... will be the last time you have hands!" and wew laddy does Emelia overdo the facial expressions or maybe that's just how her face naturally emotes because she does it in everything lmao and the actor for her bitchboy brother does a better job of conveying what a pathetic coward he is as he looks terrified that this tiny woman has finally stood up for herself and wont let him push her around and presumably sexually abuse her anymore
then back at boring central Sam and Jon are cleaning the mess hall as he whines about the officers going to brothels while they have to be celibate and insists even though hes fat "I likes girls just as much as you do! even though they might not like me as much... I've never been with one" lmao he's ye olde incel XD and Jon actually admits that... JONS A VIRGIN TOO!!! much to Sams disbelief and he confesses that once he was alone with a young gorgeous woman, actually the local whore Ros everyone has been praising (and having a go on), (oh my fucking god I just realized that to AMERICANS this constant talk of prostitution is SUPER EDGY lmao I just completely accepted at face value that of course they talk about prostitutes it's a ye olden setting because I'm not a puritanical retard but no Americans think this shit is as boundary pushing as it gets even though it's literally legal in a lot of the first world and even in one of their own states and you're probably a megabrainlet if you don't understand prostitution will always be a fact of life since sex will always have value put on it like it literally happens in same-sex prisons with people who'd swear they were straight, monkeys do it when introduced the concept of money, fucking wild penguins do it on their own accord with rocks to build nests, you could try to stop it by killing every person on Earth and when you put the gun to the last person's head they'll still say "hey I'll suck you off if you let me live") and this cringy virgin Sam starts asking all the details saying he loves redheads and asking about her *motions to his own huge tits* but Jon explains he couldn't do it because he never met his own mother and she could have been a whore for all he knows and what if he got her pregnant then his son would just be another bastard called Snow like him and Sam breaks the tension by saying "so... you didn't know where to put it?" and they start playfighting like little kids when the CO guy walks in and is like "enjoying yourselves?" and starts grilling them about how soft they are with this fatass standing by the fire in-doors and Jon growing up with servants to keep his castle warm and starts lecturing about how he spent 6 months beyond the Wall last winter where if you just took your glove off to find your cock to have a piss a finger would freeze off and how eating the fallen horses was easy... but not once they had to start eating their own fallen... and he says if only they had a couple of boys like them along and he walks right up to Sam and goes "yeah a fat boy like you, woulda lasted a fortnight on just you" lmao there we go there was almost beat for beat the speech I was surprised he didn't give before at the training down to the cannibalism thank you edgy writers
then back with the Dothraki in this so far completely quarantined storyline Dany is shocked she struck her brother but the orbiter guy tells her hes no dragon he's just a snake but Dany still believes the bullshit that nobleman was peddling about how the common man wants him to be the true king which he calls bullshit on saying the common man prays for food and health not what games the highlords play which is true the average person doesn't give a fuck about politics as long as they can still go buy bread and only start to care when they cant even in 2019 and ok his name is Jorah I will stop calling him an orbiter says he wishes he could go home and Dany realizes that's what she wants too but she knows her brother is far too incompetent to fullfill his dreams of ending their exile by conquering the 7 kingdoms even if her husband gives him his army I guess this is only now her realizing that not only does she not want her brother to be king not only do the people not want him but he cant even actually manage it since he can't even rape her if she fights back lmao
then back in Kingslanding where all the best bits are we see king fatass looking bored and grumpy sipping from a horn on a throne next to Cersei who looks like she just read someone saying Emilia Clark was a better Sarah Connor than her Joffrey who looks like he's about to do a school shooting, the two younger kids who look bored as fuck and The Hound who's standing so rigidly he's like that meme of the feelsguy who's awkward at a party
and just wants to be at home sharpening his sword and this is overlooking the jousting tournament and Sansa smiles up at Joffrey from the stands but he just looks away in a huff and CIA comes lurking up like a snake and asks "lovers quarrel?" as he sees a new point of weakness to ingratiate himself into and he introduces himself as an old friend of the family, yeah an old friendzoned of the family, and Arya immediately blurts out like the little autist she is "why do they call you Littlefinger?" and he says it's just because when he was little he came from a place called the fingers and that was just his "extraordinarily clever nickname" as if it pisses him off people far stupider than him gave him that embarrassing title that still sticks if the story was even true that is and then the king screams START THE JOUST BEFORE I PISS ME SELF! as he's completely smashed already
and Cersei gets so fed up she just storms out and then Sansa spots a Big Guy For You riding up in a full suit of armor and asks who he is and since those are CIAs speciality he says hes Ser Gregor Clegane... THEY CALL HIM THE MOUNTAIN
and this dude opens his faceplate Iron Man style to reveal I think the first of like four actors to portray this huge 7 feet tall fucker and he bows to the king as CIA adds that he's The Hounds older brother, wonder if he was the one that burned half his face two-face style, and his opponent was the last kings hands squire or something and the king says "enough of the bloody pomp, have it him!" lmao this guy is like /tv/ that just wants non-stop fight scenes in their shows and then they go to the opposite ends and start charging at each other and The Mountain strikes at the squire but misses but on the ssecond try THE MOUNTAIN JOUSTS THE SQUIRE STRAIGHT IN THE NECK AND A SHARD OF HIS WOODEN WEAPON SPLINTERS INTO HIS THROAT
much to everyone in the crowds shock and as the dude lays there bleeding out Sansa and Arya react with shock and CIA tries to contain his joy for seeing dumber men kill each other and regales Sans with the tail of The Hound and The Mountain about how when he was just a pup his older brother was already a big lad (FOR YOU!!!!) :bane: already with a bit of a reputation, and one night Gregor caught him playing with one of his own toy knight so wordlessly HE HELD HIS LITTLE BROTHERS FACE INTO THE FIRE PLACE ok that's going to have to be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 8 from me dog holy shit and we see The Hound watching The Mountain gallop off as if he's simply used to seeing his brother kill and CIA warns Sansa not to spread that story or The Hound would come after her ah so this is why the obnoxious fanbase is obsessed with seeing these two fight
then we see Ned getting a visit from Cersei in his office to try to smooth things over with him but he's not buying it and asks what she's really there for and she asks him the same and he claims he's just there to help the king run the kingdom but she warns him he never fucking listens and you just have to clean up after him and he says so that's what he'll do and she seems amazed to realize he truly does not have any ulterior motive for his own power grabs or anything he's simply a soldier and then she pricks at him a little saying his older brother was the one trained to lead and he was trained just to follow and he fires back "I was also trained to kill my enemies.... your grace" lmao cheeky cunt and she just whispers "as was I" and walks out, edgy, I like it, and then Ned looks back down to the desk where if you were paying attention like I was since I'm good at watching tv shows is where that book was he's been researching as if he already has a feeling it might lead to her
then in a inn where the neckbeard pigtails guy and Cat are at they are bothered by a travelling musician seemingly trying to charm some money out of them and the beardy guy tries to get rid of them but then the door opens and Tyrion and some men arrives waving coins around to be able to take someones room from them and this obnoxious busking prick offers a song he turns down and then clocks Cat and outs her identity in front of the whole tavern, I'm not sure why possibly just to assert his control over her since it's getting a bit obvious their families might come into conflict soon, much to everyone's shock since it seems there's been some drama down south and she might not be safe there but being the strong woman she is she immediately stands up and starts identifying everyone in there and their family and how they're still "true and honest", a turn of phrase used by Chris Chan lmao, friends to her family and she's got Tyrion puzzled as to her play here and she just goes on showing she knows every honerable family down south and brings up a man who has the sigil of THE TWIN TOWERS of Frey lmao hopefully these people don't invent planes anytime soon and once she's confirmed she has everyone's respect she striaght up accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder her boy of only 10 and then calls upon them to arrest him and Tyrion looks around like they're not actually going to... but then EVERY ARMED MAN IN THE BAR DRAWS THEIR SWORD ON THE LITTLE MANLET uh oh spaghettios well that episode was more of the same of last episode where not much edge happened although it flowed a lot nicer and did a good job of introducing us to new characters and their machinations
and we see Ned toddling down to the tournament grounds that are getting cleaned up by some serfs and he goes to see the corpse of Ser Hugh and oh I didn't even realize that was the same guy lmao ok this show is too deep for me so I guess we can assume that CIA, presumably on behalf of Cersei, got The Mountain to kill him on purpose and make it look like just an unlucky jousting accident so Ned couldn't question him, although why put him onto him anyway if he was just going to kill him, I guess to make him look helpful and also set someone else up as trying to cover this up, maybe he even got the old man to float the idea that it was Varys or whatever his name is because that's who he's intending to frame because he's the only other believable spymaster guy who'd do shit like this and his biggest rival for most dodgy cunt in Kingslanding, anyway Ned is asking if Ser Hugh had a family but the guys stitching his corpse up say nah and then he notices he had new armor he'd never used before and the general guy says he's unlucky he drew straws to face The Mountain and Ned's like "yeah, but who holds the straws?" which is actually good metaphorical dialog because that sounds like a real thing someone would really say to cut to the chase of did someone literally holding the straws rig the draw but it also works as a metaphor for the rest of the show and live in general, e.g. you might think you're playing a fair game of random chance but then you're like oh yeah who set up this game the casino that I'm in that makes loads of money from retards like me never mind then or in his own personal case certain seemingly random things that are happening here and in his own life might not be so random afterall and he just needs to figure out who could cause them, and as they walk off the general guy namedrops tumblr's favorite game Life is Strange™ and Ned gives him probably the only genuine compliment we've heard so far that it is like how they used to be enemies in a war and he's glad he never had to fight him and the general guy brings up his respect for his father and how fucked up it was what the Mad King did to him but Ned gets uncomfortable and immediately changes the topic to the dead kids expensive armor and he suggests the last Kings Hand left him some money but I'm thinking it was probably set up by CIA to make sure he'd want to joust and he'd get the perfect seemingly accidental death in front of the whole city then the general guy brings up that the fatty king wants to joust and Ned's like oh fuckin ell m8
then we see the Lannister cousin trying to stap his obese master into some armor but it wont strap on and the king just says right in his face YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE WITH A FAT ARSE, DID YOU KNOW THAT? and when Ned comes in he stats admonishing his servant saying HES GOT ONE BALL AND NO BRAINS! but Ned just straight up says YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR YOUR ARMOR! and there's a great subtle reaction from the guy playing the servant where even though it's a wide shot and he's to the side he still gets this big shocked expression on his face like he's never heard anyone speak to his king like that and is expecting him to get beheaded or some shit and he looks in trepidation to the king to see how triggered he'll get and hes like FAT? FAT IS IT? IS THAT HOW YOU SPEAK TO YOUR KING? and Ned just tries to hide his smirk and the king laughs at some ribbing between two old friends but as soon as the servant laughs with them in relief the king turns to him and is like "oh... its funny is it?" and he automatically says "no your grace" and looks scared but then the kings like "no? you don't like the Hands joke?!" and he just stands there like a robot encountering a logical paradox like his mind is bluescreening
but Ned tells him to stop torturing the poor boy and the king snaps at him to go get the breastplate stretcher to send him running off and as soon as hes gone the king starts laughing again and Ned's like "the breastplate stretcher?" and the kings like "how long before he figures it out?" yeah I was wondering about that I guess this is his version of the prank they play in the Navy where they send new recruits to get non-existent things like white ink for the printer or some shit and I guess this is to establish that the king isn't actually a vindictive person who'd do anything to this kid he's just got an asshole sense of humor and he just likes busting his balls, or ball, like Hitler, and Ned joshes him that he needs to actually invent a breastplate stretcher and then tries to talk him out of going jousting by stating that no one would risk actually giving him a fair fight as if to make him think it wont be any fun and even though he rarely manipulates someone it seems to be working as the king sits down in a huff and orders Ned to drink wine even though he turns him down initially as if he's trying to get him into bed or something and then he drops some tidbits about how his squire is an idiot but Cersei insisted, presumably because he's loyal to his cousins and will inform them of any conversations the king has behind their backs, and it was the last Kings Hand that insisted on marrying Cersei so they could have his father on their side, which makes me think they manipulated him into that and once he'd served his purpose he either knew too much or was trying to shake them down or had caught onto their shenanigans so they had him poisoned, and the king laments he used to think being king meant he could do whatever he wanted since he presumably didn't want to marry such a sour-faced bitch or probably anyone at all so he can just keep whoring indefinitely, and then the king just goes to walk out to the tournament with his massive belly hanging out and when Ned stops him he laughs saying he should just go out like that and yell BOW YA SHITS! which I've seen in memes before and Ned gives him a forced chuckle while looking awkward as if he's realizing actually yeah this guys got some fucking Trump shit going on where he's just some hedonistic fat manchild well past his prime that's open season for anyone with a functioning brain to manipulate
then at another joust everyone is in the same positions they were yesterday as The Mountain rides up again and opens his faceplate and Sansa spots "The Knight of the Flowers" ride up who is this young but super cute boy band looking kid with shiny decorated armor holding a rose and he gives it to her with a cheeky smirk and some dude in the audience who has a broach with a stag on it, I'm not sure who's sigil that is yet, I know so far the Starks have the wolf, the Lannisters have the lion and Dany's family has the dragon, I'm pretty sure the Greyjoys are all fucking dead other than Theon so I'm not sure, reminder this sigil animal thing is a real thing in Scottish history, my family has it's own clan sigil, animal and motto that we've had for literally over a thousand years, I can't share it for doxxing reasons but I just want to rub that into Americans who's family history goes back about 50 years to literally "like... I think my grandma was half Irish or something? and my dad was from Puerto Rico but he never talked about his family" wow interesting stuff you culture starved subhumans meanwhile I can literally go to the castle my ancestors ruled from and read legends about their magic powers and shit and see portraits of my great^100 grandmother (she was fucking fit tbqh I want to go back in time and become my own great^100 grandfather)
well he gives him a conspiring nod and the pretty boy just nods to him and rides up to The Mountain who intimidatingly lets his horse snarl at his and the pretty boy just turns grimaces and bears it and then they ride off to their poisons and Sansa begs her dad not to let The Mountain hurt him and CIA turns to the man with the stag broach and bets 100 gold dragons on The Mountain and the man accepts hmmmmm makes me ponder if CIA paid the pretty boy to throw the match or something and CIA starts bragging about what he could buy with that and the man just says "maybe you could buy a friend" and CIA just gives him a huge shiteating smile pretentious literally like the pretentious PUA twat who wants everyone to think he's a master manipulator but actually has no mates and orbits one girl for years
and then the horn blows to signal them to charge aaaaaaaaaand OH SHIT the pretty boy rams his joust right into The Mountains shield shattering it but sending The Mountain off his horse and smashing him through the fence, The Hound allows himself a like 1% smile at seeing his abusive brother trumped and the stag broach guy laughs and mocks Littlefinger who just asks him "and when will you be having... your friend?" maybe indicating that they are gay lovers or something and is threatening him that he knows so he better not call in that debt and he sits down with a big shit eating smile again and then tells Sansa that the pretty boy knew The Mountains horse was in heat and I guess that's why he let his horse grunt in his horses face because he knew letting it get all horny would throw it off or something and The Mountain tears off his helmet and screams for an assistant to bring him his sword and as this pretty boy is prancing in front of the crowd it seems like he might be getting stabbed in the back or some shit but actually THE MOUNTAIN BEHEADS HIS OWN HORSE WEW LAD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 9
BUT OH FUCK HES NOT DONE YET AND ATTACKS THE GAY ROSE KID KNOCKING HIM OFF HIS HORSE AND STARTS SMASHING HIS HUGE SWORD DOWN ONTO HIS SHIELD AS HE COWERS ON THE GROUND BUT... THE HOUND JUMPS DOWN AND BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS OWN!!!
AND THE MOUNTAIN IS LIKE N-NANI?!?! AND THEY START SWORD FIGHTING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! AND THE CROWDS LIKE HOLY SHIT THEY FINNA BOUTA KILL EACH OTHER!!!
BUT THE KING STANDS UP AND ORDERS THEM TO STOP THIS MADNESS IN THE NAME OF YOUR KING! AND THE HOUND IMMEDIATELY PLANTS HIS SWORD IN THE GROUND AND SINKS TO HIS KNEES BOWING AS THE MOUNTAIN WAS JUST SWINGING HIS SWORD AT HIM WHICH FLIES OVER HIS HEAD AND HE THROWS HIS SWORD AWAY IN A RAGE AND STOMPS OFF FUMING
and some guards stand there with wide eyed terror that they're going to have to try to arrest this massive psycho but the king yells for them to let him go and they rush out of his way like pussies and during all that Joffrey got so hyped he stood up to get a better look and sits down in disappointment it didn't end in bloodshed and the pretty boy goes to The Hound and says he owes him his life Ser, which I guess is how they spell Sir in the subtitles and is not someones name, but The Hound just grumbles I'm not Ser but the pretty boy holds The Hounds hand up as if he's the real victor for showing how brave and heroic he is and the whole crowd gives him a long applaud and Sansa stands up to cheer for him and The Hound just looks around super awkward as if he's got too low self-esteem to accept any praise ok now I get why fans want to see them fight because this is some straight ap dank anime family rivalry shit but if I know my GoT so far I'm sure it'll never happen and The Hound will just die from a random arrow from some random mook or some shit and never get to complete his heroes journey
and then we see Tyrion in the wilderness with a sack over his head and tied in ropes being held captive by Cat and her new friends and that annoying travelling musician bard guy is playing his banjo or whatever and literally improvising a song about "the captive imp, downards from his horse did limp, no more would he preen and primp" like oh shit THIS DUDE JUST INVENTED FREESTYLE RAPPING LMAO
and then Tyrion clocks that Cat announced that they were taking him to Kingslanding to mislead any search parties and then starts trying to sow a bit of discontent with her band by suggesting that there's probably already a big reward for his rescue and the bard eyes him shiftily as if he's considering it and he tries to reason for them to untie him by appearing harmless and saying if he tried to run a shadowcat would eat him, sorry mate she's gay (reference to ellen page playing kitty pride aka shadowat in the x-men movies sorry if that was too deep for you) then he realizes she's taking him to see her sister and tries to sow some doubt in her about her sisters mental fitness, acts emotional that he's accused of going after Bran and then reasons that only an impicile would arm an assassin with his own blade and as he seems to be starting to get to Cat the neckbeard guy suggests they gag him as if he's got an anti-Lannister position himself but speaking of random arrows out of nowhere A RANDOM ARROW OUT OF NOWHERE SUDDENLY HITS THE BARD, A ROCK IS FIRED FROM A SLING INTO A DUDES HEAD AND A BAND OF MEN WAVING AXES RUSHES UP AND FIGHT CATS MEN AND HER BODYGUARD STARTS DOING SOME DANK ASS SHIT WHERE HE PUTS HIS SWORD TO A GUYS THROAT AND KICKS HIM DOWN SO HIS NECK GETS SLIT AS HE FALLS ACROSS IT
RAMS ANOTHER GUY THROUGH AND CHOKE SLAMS ANOTHER ON THE GROUND AND PLANTS HIS SWORD INTO HIS CHEST THIS DUDE GOING HAM AND TYRION SEES CAT TAKE OUT A DAGGER AND TALKS HER INTO UNTYING HIM SINCE HES NO GOOD TO HER DEAD AND THIS LITTLE MANLET GRABS A SHIELD TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM INCOMING ROCKS AND ONE OF THE BAD GUYS KILLS SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF CAT AND GOES FOR HER NEXT BUT TYRION KNOCKS HIM DOWN WITH THE SHIELD AND STARTS BLUDGEONING HIS SKULL IN WITH IT HOLY SHIT
ok pretty sure a three feet tall dude could not generate enough force to down a guy with a wooden shield by just whacking him with it but ok and it seems like the the three of them are the only ones left, fucking sucks to be all the random guys who came along and that bard who wasn't even armed with anything other than a guitar thing, and the bodyguard guy asks Tyrion if that was his first kill and he nods and he says he "needs a woman, nothing like a woman after a fight!" with a grin on his face as Tyrion looks like he's in shock but realizes he can get this guy on his side if he plays it like he's a badass too and just looks at Cat and says "well I'm willing if she is" much to the bodyguards amusement so I'm guessing those guys were just some bandits who kill and rob people on the road since they were flinging rocks at the not very easy to confuse for someone else Tyrion which they wouldn't do if they were there for his rescue bounty but maybe they were hired by CIA to kill em all so Cats investigation cant go any further and people will assume the secrets of the plot died with Tyrion and oh wait no there's 2 or 3 other guys who survived on their side ok good for them
then we see Bran at a table with a teacher and hes distracted watching I think Theon doing archery practice like he used to enjoy so much but the teacher brings his attention back to his geography studies and he regurgitates that the Iron Islands Sigil is the kraken which we haven't seen before I don't think that a pretty cool sigil and so is a dragon and at least wolves and lions can kill people a stag sigil is pretty dandy yo, and apparently that is where the Greyjoys... used to come from, and Theon boasts they're known for their skills in archery, navigation and lovemaking and the teacher adds "and failed rebellions" lmao #rekt and then Bran talks about how a certain family he doesn't say have the stag sigil and it has a crown now that Robert is king and he names them the Baratheons which idk if we've heard before and he gives their motto that's "ours is the fury" idk stags are not very furious I bet Americans see this shit and think this is all original world building when it's just find & replacing shit from UK history lmao and then he talks about how the Lannister motto is "a Lannister always pays his debts" which we just heard Tyrion say but that's actually not their official motto and Bran gets fussy and starts naming other houses mottos like the house Martell, house Hornwood, house Tully which is his mothers and the teacher realizes whats wrong and assures him she had to leave to protect them and he reveals he was actually the one who delivered Bran and assures him she'll love him until her death awww but Bran's not having any of it and is still depressed he's paralysed but the teacher tells him he could learn to shoot from horseback if the manlets saddle works, not sure why he couldn't still shoot from just sitting in a chair sideways but ok
then we cut from that to finally seeing the infamous Ros getting slammed from behind by Theon who's smuggled her into the castle and after he nuts we literally see her tits, minge and his semi-flaccid dick lmao I'm tempted to call this edgy but its only edgy to Americans and I've started to notice some counter-edge here where they love getting tits and cock out for no reason but they place it in the scene at the start or end in such a way where it can be easily edited out for rebroadcast on other TV stations if I worked at HBO I'd just have a spinning cock gif playing in the corner at all times so it was exclusive to our channel and no one else could get it so our subscriptions would go up and she boasts that he's not the only nobleman in her life and he gets insecure that Tyrion's had her too and says he's not worried since anyone with a few coppers can have her and she just keeps smiling as if she's had way worse dickheads say way worse things to her and he asks what a dwarf is like down below and she teases him he might be surprised and that he's good with his fingers and tongue too and Theon insists he's a Greyjoy and no one can look down on him and Ros takes the bants a bit too far and jokes about him being the Starks ward and he grabs her by their hair and growls about how heroic his father was and is like "what did your father do? fucked a cook and whelped a whore?" but Ros has had it all before and says he's an awfully serious boy.... with a serious cock! and grabs his benis that's unfortunately hidden behind a candle so the actors didn't have to actually have a wank session and he says he doesn't want to pay for it anymore so she just says "then find yourself a wife" and he struts off as if he needed to just sooth his own ego rather than be such a dickhead he'd rape her
then back in Kingslanding we see Arya chasing a cat as part of her training which would actually be pretty easy if it wasn't like trained to escape or some shit she could probably just come up and start petting it or give it food or something but maybe it is a special training aid cat Varys and Ned are discussing Bran's predicament and he assures him that even though he suffered an early mutilation himself doors closed but unexpected ones opened I presume he means things like being trusted to be female royalties close confidants and things like that ok wait his name is Varys jesus why do people have these wacky made up names and then you get someone just called Robert and then the camera zooms in on Varys as the music gets dramatic as he warns Ned that the king is a complete fool, the queens not the only one keeping tabs on him, the two of them are some of the few honerable men in this city and he warns him there's a special tasteless traceless poison that was probably given to the last Kings Hand and the king is probably going to be next but he doesn't know by whom, I assume he probably does, if it wasn't him, but he wants Ned to get there organically, if he just says "yeah it was CIA" he knows Ned already trusts him and he knows CIA would just talk him into thinking Varys is obviously the killer if he'd make a false accusation like that, and Varys floats that it might have been Ser Hugh that gave him the poison as he was his most trusted friend he'd let his guard down around, literally I guess, and Ned demands to know why anyone would want to kill a peaceful man like the last Hand and Varys warns "...he started asking questions" uh oh
then we see Arya chasing the cat down into a dungeon and finding the giant dragon skulls Dany's prat brother was talking about and she hides she overhears two men gossiping about how Ned is onto the truth of who went after his son and soon "the wolf and the lion will soon be at each others throats" and one of them suggests just killing Ned but the man is revealed to be Varys who implies it's too risky and the other man I think is maybe the guy who was housing Dany and her brother? idk my autistic face blindness is getting me here, and he says they need more time since Aquaman wont make his move until his son is born so if that is the same guy I guess that's why he was winding Dany's brother up to try and get the Dothraki army to kick off in ah yes that's it Westeros now this is a bit too early to reveal it was Varys who killed the last Hand and they talk ambiguously enough that they could be talking about Ned being onto someone else's trail, in fact he mentions "the fools tried to kill his son", so it probably is the Lannisters, so it seems like maybe CIA is the one who had the last Hand killed because he works for them and the king is next so Joffrey can be the new king and maybe Varys counter plan to this is to have his friend here help add an outside threat to the mix, since the guy mentions "what good is war now? we're not ready" as if it's just that it's too soon, with the plan being the Dothraki attacking Westeros so Cersei cant risk doing a coup in a time of such great dangerous war since people might not want to follow a sociopathic 13 year old into battle, fail to unite and it might end up with no Westeros left for her to control or something like that, or maybe they actually want the Dothraki to win because Dany's brother is an arrogant retard who's easy for them to manipulate, but he seems so incompetent he don't figure he'll manage to actually successfully do a take-over, so it might just be a diversion to buy more time to take out the Lannisters one by one or something, I guess this is also why she has such a creepy relationship with Joffrey since she wants to make sure he's loyal to the Lannisters and not his fathers family so she can control the kingdoms from behind him rather than his fathers family influencing him, although the kid definitely has the famous Lannister blond hair and blue eyes so maybe he's not even the kings actual biological son, maybe Jaime is lmao, and that explains why he's so fucked in the head, he's literally retarded from inbreeding lmmfao, anyway this is some very well done palace intrigue shit, I love shit like this, where there's two parties having a battle of wits, it's dank when it's a face to face thing like in Death Note but also dank when there's loads of build up to the two parties actually fucking with each other face to face and battling each other through several payers of proxies and schemes at first like the Ben and Widmore rivalry on Lost which was one of the coolest parts of that extreme kino, anyway Varys or whatever his name is says "delay you say, move faster I say, this is no longer a game for two players" and he replies "it never was" ah, truly we are playing a Game of Thrones™ and then we see Arya run out but unfortunately Varys locked the door as they were coming in so she has to leave the way they left
then speaking of more than two players we see CIA staring longingly at the Iron Throne which we haven't actually seen anyone sit in yet as Varys almost hovers in he walks so lightly and CIA, not startled, comments on how quietly he moves and then taunts him that he seems lonely so he should pay a visit to one of his brothels "first boy is on the house" top fucking kek at 1) him calling him a gay pedo and 2) him pimping boys to gay pedos I'd call that edgy but I guess it isn't confirmed he means little kids and maybe being gay is acceptable in Westeros who knows maybe they're more woke than some of us on that and Varys assures him "you're mistaking business with pleasure" trying to argue he only hangs around with little boys to use as spies and CIA swaggers up saying "those birds that whisper in your ear - such pretty little things" and purposefully creepily puts his hand on Varys shoulder but Varys just endures it unaffected and comments that it's actually someone called Lord Redwyne who likes his boys very young or so he hears as if he's trying to turn the pedo card back on CIA by pointing out he's the one pimping kids, ok that's edgy but it'll be over the edgy mark when they actually show it which I'm sure they will at some stage, and then he brings up that someone called Ser Marlon of Tumblrstone prefers amputees, ok edgyness increasing dramatically, and CIA starts to get a bit short tempered now that Varys is showing off how many of his secrets hes managed to get ahold of but brushes it off with "all desires are valid to a man with a full purse" yes don't kink shame please and oh dear does the edgy keep going Varys mentions an awful rumor he heard about a certain lord with A TASTE FOR FRESH CADAVERS and wonders how you would find beautiful corpses before they rot just to let CIA know he can accuse him of murders whenever he wants and CIA just smirks and says "strictly speaking such matters would not be in accordance to the kings laws" as if they don't apply to him because he has such good favor with the king and Varys growls "strictly speaking" back at him before strutting off and CIA is glad he's managed to get under such an unflappable mans skin and keeps pushing and asks "tell me, does someone somewhere keep your balls in a little box?" with a cheeky grin
and Varys just brushes it off with a joke about how he has no idea even though they used to be... so close, and Varys asks how hes been since he last saw him, and CIA taunts him or the last time he saw him as if he's fucking spying on him taking a shit or something without him knowing and Varys says last he saw he was talking to the Hand, and CIA asks "with your own eyes?" and Varys does some Joss Whedon style word play and states "eyes I own" and CIA hisses "counsel buisnesssss" and Varys points out that everyone knows he beta orbits Cat so if anyone were to discover that he helped the Starks accuse the Lannisters... maybe perhaps the queen... and CIA just says "one shudders at the thought" as if he fucking dares him to try and have him killed and then some dramatic music kicks in as CIA reveals he's seen him more recently than the other way around and saw that HE was talking to Ned too and Varys just quips "ah was that you under the bed?" lmao stole my meme and then CIA drops that he also saw him escorting a certain..... foreign dignity from across the sea and when Varys realizes he's been rumbled in that regard his face suddenly falls and he looks down shook, which I think might be a ruse that he's just letting CIA think he has him by the non-existent balls (would be a dank meme if the way to defeat Varys was to find his balls in a jar and threaten to crush them like the way to control Davey Jones in the POTC movies is to get his heart in a jar and threaten to stab it lmao) and I guess that dude was the rich dude who was winding up Dany's brother heh me smart and apparently Varys is from across the narrow sea too and CIA start rubbing it in that it'd burden him to worry about the king questioning his dear friends sympathies which puts him at a crossroads of turning left to be loyal to his "friend" right to be loyal to his kingdom, wow this really is like a Telltale game, all the way down to the railroaded decisions since we know which one he's really going to pick lmao, really cool dynamic between them there where they're at a stalemate where they could each have the other one killed by grassing their current machinations up to either the king of queen... but cant do either since the other one could do the same thing, and its not like whoever taddles first wins, its mutually assured destruction since the other could grass the other up as they're being taken to be executed and have him getting beheaded right next to him, and just like Varys said to him before about "just a simple word to the queen..." he taunts "just a simple word to the king..." as they glare at each other like one inch apart and suddenly the door opens and the other dude walks in and is like WHAT ARE YOU TWO CONSPIRING ABOUT? WELL YOU BETTER HURRY UP hahahahaha
because his brother is coming and Varys gets the last word in taunting CIA "disturbing news from far away... hadn't you heard?" just to rub in that he'll always have more intel than him, it seems like Varys speciality is the technicalities of spycraft, the ins and outs of placing spies everywhere so he has the most information, and CIA is more about straight up black ops shit where he'll just send killers after whoever he needs to, and interestingly CIAs weakness is that he's motivated by his lust for Lady Stark, a bias that doesn't afflict Varys unless he is actually a gay pedo lmao, which no offence to eunuchs but I could see happening with some Michael Jackson shit where he's stunted in the development of a boy so is only comfortable being intimate with children also idk what they're going for here but I feel like Varys perfectly bald head and thin eyebrows is maybe a hint to his condition as if he's suffered hair loss although I am pretty sure its high T levels that make you go bald faster, if you're going to have hairloss, but maybe he has no bodyhair so he shaves his head to match it or something, and whoever the actor for him is does a good job of having like subtly foppish mannerisms and body language as if he's got a very placid mentality from never having much testosterone in his body as opposed to the more lascivious seeming literally pimping thirsty orbiter CIA good shit
ten we see a dirty Arya finding herself walking out from the catacombs onto a seaside with some fishermen working and walking back into the city but the guards tell her beggars aren't welcome and she'll get a smack on the head to help her hearing if she doesn't clear off lmao and she insists she lives there and wants to speak to her father but the other guard laughs and says "and I want to fuck the queen for all the good it does me" and the other one misgenders Arya saying "you want your father boy? hes on the floor of a tavern, getting pissed on by his friends!" lmao and Arya declares "my father is Hand of the King, I'm not a boy, I'm Arya Stark of Winterell, and if you lay a hand on me my father will have both your heads on spikes, now are you going to let me by or am I going to have to smack YOUR head to help YOUR hearing?" and she says it so confidently the two guards look at each other like wait is she for real oh shit
and then we cut to her in her fathers office lmao funny scene and as Ned's about to admonish her she blurts out what she overheard but she can only describe one of the conspirers as fat lmao thankfully this is not modern day America because that actually does narrow it down in this universe and Ned starts to believe her the more she explains but then someone from the Nigths Guard arrives and introduces himself as Yoren to Ned and his son lmao and Arya yelps IM A GIRL! top fucking kek I'm not sure you could have this running joke in 2019 this is the ancient times of 2011 afterall it truly was a different time and he's there to ask for more recruits but also builds up like a mad cunt something else he has to say that's "better said in private" so Ned kisses Arya and sends the guard to take her to his room and Arya wants to stay but the guard ushers her off and she asks the guard how many guards he has, and he says "here in the city? 50", and she makes sure he wouldn't let anyone kill her father and he says not to worry little lady, since she saw Ned's pause before sending them away as if he's thinking twice about who he's alone in a room with now, ah the good old days where you could basically kill whoever you wanted as long as you had an alibi and no witnesses, no having to worry about DNA and CCTV and all that shit, and in his office this guy lets him know about Cat kidnapping Tyrion and he looks down like oh fuck what now
then on the road we see Cat's crew being confronted by some well armored soldiers sent from her sister but the lead soldier thinks its suspicious she came so quickly and Tyrion isn't tied up but takes her anyway as if they would force them if they wouldn't come and Tyrion comments the fortress they're going to is supposedly impregnable but the bodyguard guy boasts "give me ten good men and some climbing spikes... I'll impregnate the bitch" and Tyrion looks at him as if trying to tell if he actually doesn't know what impregnable means and quips "I like you" since either way he's definitely a confident guy and then we pan around to see this really cool looking castle carved into a mountain with a winding path coming down along a bridge that looks like it was carved out of a hillside that looks like a really cool old matte painting or something and not shitty modern CGI since special effects have somehow gotten worse in the last like 50 years
then back at Kingslanding where thank fuck we have mostly been all episode because this is where the coolest shit happens stay the fuck away The Wall and the Dothraki storytlines please Ned is summoned to the small counsel by the king and Ned gets shook and asks if it's about his wife but the messenger says "I believe it concerns Daenerys Targayen" and we cut immediately to the king growling THE WHOOOOOOOORE IS PREGNANT hahahahaha and Ned asks "you're speaking of murdering a child?" and the king says he warned him about being a pussy before and says it straight up he wants her, her baby and the brother dead as CIA and Varys sit there completely poker faced and Ned tries to talk him out of it because he's such a moralfag saying he'll dishoner himself forever if he does this and the king just yells "honor? I've got seven kingdoms to run! one king! seven kingdoms! its fear that keeps them in line!" and Ned accuses him of being no better than the Mad King and Rob gets triggered and warns him careful Ned! and Ned questions Varys intel that he reveals is from Ser Jorah Mormont, aka the beta orbiter guy (interesting that he just comes out and says this twist and it's not telegraphed by any intense music anything, its easy to miss but I appreciate the very sparse used of a score, usually it just lets the scene or even action play out as if you're just being shown a documentation of it or something without any dramatic music or camera work, I've only noticed a score starting up at the tailend of conversations when shits getting super mysterious) and Ned says the word of a traitor half a world away isn't fact and Varys seems hurt that Ned doesn't respect his intel like everyone else there does but shockingly enough CIA actually defends him saying Jorah's actually just a slaver not a traitor, I suppose he'd obviously, if he is the killer, want Varys plan, if that is his plan, of bringing Aquaman over to fail, but its odd Varys is helping them assassinate Dany, maybe I'm on the wrong trail and this isn't whats going on, but maybe he figures if Dany and their unborn son are killed by Westeros agents Aquaman will go apeshit and be even more motivated to come over here waging war and Ned insists "he broke the law, betrayed his family and fled our land" and Rob bellows that its not worth the risk to have a Targaryen at the head of a Dothraki army and Varys suspiciously flicks his eyes between them as Ned says "I'll fear the Dothraki when they teach their horses to run on water" lel and Rob is like "do nothing? that's your wise advice?" and he snaps "you're my counsel! council! speak sense to this honerable fool!" and Verys probably put-on nervously tries to talk Ned into doing this admittedly nasty shit for the greater good of the realm because if she has a son the realm will bleed and the oldass man who tried to give up Varys before says its wiser and actually kinder to have her die now so tens of thousands might live and the youngest guy there just impetuously says "we should have had them killed years ago" and CIA offers the amazing idiom "when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman you best just close your eyes and get it over with" and Varys closes his eyes in distaste at how vulgar CIA is at a royal counsel, as if taking his advice and wishing this was over with lol, and CIA doesn't help the matters by adding "cut her throat, be done with it" I hope he means Dany and not when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman lmao
and then casually sips his drink like it's nothing to him and Ned struts up confidently as the camera zooms in on him and tells Rob with iron clad will "I followed you into war - twice - without doubts, without second thoughts - but I will NOT follow you now, the Robert I grew up with didn't tremble at the shadow of an unborn child" very interesting touch that he's trying to play on Rob's self image as a badass warrior again like how he successfully manipulated him out of jousting by framing it as too easy and now he's framing yeeting that feetus as a cowardly act but unfortunately Rob knows deep down he aint no badass warrior no more and is going for the easy option of "she dies" he growls and Ned says he'll have no part in it and Rob threatens to fire him so Ned just takes off the broach of the kings Hand that was given to him when he arrived for the position and drops it down on the table as if this is the ye olde version of the handing in your badge to the chief trope and Ned just wishes good luck to the next man and says he thought Rob was a better man and Rob gets triggered and growls for him to run back to Winterell and starts ranting about how he'll kill him himself and that he thinks hes too honerable for war pretty big ballsy decision there from Ned and quite surprising you'd think a guy who's fought in war, been a Lord and made all sorts of hard decisions over politics and even personally executed a guy who one could argue wasn't deserting if he, you know, ran back to his fucking king to tell him something would not have such a strict stance on killing just one innocent person (fetuses arnt people you dumb christfags) but I'm guessing since this is Sean Bean we're watching here this wont end very well for Ned and this is to just go to show that the one guy out of the 100s of characters on this show to actually have some principals and NOT let them bend ends up fucking dead with nothing to show for it all because he wouldn't bow to the great god of consequentialism I mean that's similar to my outlook but also if I was in his position if I'm living in a world where yeah everyone does this shit to everyone else you're kind of just asking for it to be done to you but also if you live by the sword you die by the sword e.g. this assassination could be what actually sparks the war to definitely happen or they send someone to assassinate Rob I guess the only winning move... is not to play, like Rob himself has been whining about being king, while alluring when you're not king, is actually fucking shit and stressful, he'd ironically be happier just being some ordinary guy with an ordinary family, really makes ya think
anyway then Ned is rushing to pack up his thing and orders his bodyguard guy to leave with his daughters already because he's got the king, the queen and a murderer all mad at him so he should really not be hanging around and then CIA swaggers in and lets him know the king was using the word treason after he left and then temps him that if he stays here until night fall he'll take him to speak to the last person the last Hand spoke to before falling ill... uh oh... sound like a veiled death threat, but Ned says he has no time and CIA says "it'll only take an hour, but as you wish" and leaves knowing how principled Ned is that he wont let an assassin go free if he's this close so Ned orders his guard to get all the men guarding his daughters but send his best two swords to meet him
and then in this impenetrable fortress on a big fancy sculpted stage on a big fancy sculpted throne Cats sister is dressing her down for bringing Tyrion into her home without her permission as SHE BREASTFEEDS HER LIKE 10 YEAR OLD SON, OK, THERE WE GOEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 10
thankfully for this boys future sexuality its just a prosthetic breast by the looks of it and there's nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public like braindead americans think but breastfeeding your grown children is edgy when people do it in real life not just in a tv show you're probably some sort of fucking pedo weirdo fucking up your child's development if you don't ween your baby before they can have a fucking conversation with you and her sister talks to her son about how bad his aunt is and how beautiful he is as this dopey kid looks down at them and Tyrion looks over at Cat like see I told you bitch be crazy and she insists that that's what her husbands last words "the seed was strong" meant, praising their son, but me thinks it meant something else, maybe seeds used to untracably poison powerful men perhaps? like how you can make ricin out of caster beans if my BrBa education was accurate? and this woman starts ranting about how you shouldn't bring Lannisters here as if she suspects their wrong doing and then she accuses Tyrion of murdering their father who is actually the last Kings Hand everyone's been going on about ah yes me thinks he was talking about what poisoned him not his ultra mommy's boy son and Tyrion just quips "oh, did I kill him too? I've been a very busy man!" and she threatens him that every man there would die for her and he says if they harm him his brother Jaime will make sure they do and the little boy starts screaming NO ONE CAN HURT US HERE! TELL HIM MUMMY! TELL HIM!!!
as if he's already a stroppy prince twat like Joffrey and she calms him down comforts him that no one will hurt her baby, methinks this kids gonna get hurt in the future, and then this little shit says "mummy... I want to see the bad man fly" uhhhhh uh oh and Cat says hes her prisoner so cant be harmed but her sister has him thrown in the dungeon to meet someone or something called "Mord" and when he's flung down there he finds that down there isn't so down there as he peaks over a ledge to see a massive drop because he's on the side of a massive mountain like a mile up in the sky which uh doesn't seem that secure if you're trying to keep someone from killing themselves or someone who's good at climbing secure
then confirming my theory right since I have an excellent gaydar to detect my fellow gays we see the guy alone in his chambers with the pretty boy guy letting him shave his chest lmao because he prefers his lover like that and it seems like the guard guy has a bit of the ol internalized homophobia because he says "if you like me like this maybe you should go find a little boy" but the pretty boy assures him "but I want you" and he seems momentarily satisfied but finds another thing to worry about that his brother thinks hes spoiled because he hasn't been to war and his lover smirks as if he agrees but his lover accuses him of being spoiled too and only has armor because his dad pays for it and since no conversation can be without some edge he complains that the king and our first mention of fan favorite Stannis don't respect him because he threw up when seeing someones eye knocked out of its socket in a melee ew gross and the pretty boy starts shaving his armpits and asks about the outcome of the counsel meeting ah so the guy getting shaved is the young guy on the counsel sorry autism again and he tells him, which makes me wonder if the pretty boy is a spy working for someone if this dumbass is leaking intel to him, that they're going to merc Dany and that "the table rises 6 inches" whenever Robert talks about it lmao and the pretty boy quips "shame he cant muster the same enthusiasm for his wife" so yeah maybe they haven't been intimate for a long time and Joffrey is more likely to be conceived by his uncle lmao and the shaved guy says he's only with her for her money since the Lannisters might be "the most pompous ponderous cunts the gods ever suffered to walk the world, but they do have an outrageous amount of money" and then he complains Rob will make him go hunting with him because he loves killing so much, and his bf wonders how that happened, and he just says again because he loves killing, edgy, and the pretty boy starts buttering him up that he should be king and he could be the one providing the funds and it turns out this guy is actually fourth in line and the pretty boy reasons that Joffrey is a monster, Tommen is only eight and Stannis has the personality of a lobster, lis nice Jordan B Peterson reference, who, ah, is this guys older brother, and I guess some cousin of Robs or something, and the pretty boy seems like he's doing the Cersei shit of knowing he'll never have power himself... but maybe he could be close to it, and he actually slices his bfs chest with the knife and tells him to if he's going to be king he needs to get used to seeing blood and the guy nervously looks down as if he's such a pussy he just cant even look at blood and he laughs a bit nervously like its not so bad and his lover butters him up saying people love him because he's so kind and he'd make a good king because he's so nice and soft and would relish killing and then starts talking him up how they need him as a king as he gets on his knees, gets his cock out and starts sucking him off leaving him to think that over while getting some pretty good positive reinforcement, this is actually a thing I've noticed women do sometimes, you know hearing second hand from men since I'm gay, but if they want their boyfriend to do something they bring it up while they're literally stroking their dick or some shit so they'll just give in and agree, I call it the "Brainwashing Blowjob™", no need to thank me for my gift to sociology
and then we see a depressed Rob getting a visit from his wife who half jokingly half tauntingly says she's sorry his marriage to Rob Stark didn't work out lmao she's calling him a gayboy fucking trolled and Rob just grumbles "I'm glad I could do something to make you happy" ok hold on I'm falling into my usual autism of transcribing something piece by piece ok basically Rob assumes she's angling to get Jaime to be the next Hand but she says he's not serious enough and Rob starts worrying about the Dothraki invading and Cersei assures him they cant and Rob says "that's a neat little trick you do, you move your lips and your fathers voice comes out" who I don't think we've met yet and interesting that he's been close enough to Cersei to realize what a dishonest person she is but he's still under the belief she's just a puppet of her father it seems rather than a cunt all in her own right, and then Rob games out what'll happen if the Dothraki invade, showing he's not as stupid as previously thought he knows its foolish to meet them in an open field so they'll hold up in their castles but then they'll simply go from village to village burning them all down, killing all their men, stealing all their crops and livestock and enslaving all their women and children, very funny that we have people like ISIS doing this shit in 2019 lmao, and the people of the seven kingdom wont stand behind a king who cant protect them and they'll just give into Viserys, the twat brother, as king, seemingly according to Varys plan perhaps, and they do some QUICK MATHS™ where he asks her what is bigger, one or five, and when she says five he holds up a hand of five fingers but then one closed fist which I thought he was going to use to hit her or something for a second since there's non-stop edge and says one unified army with one leader and one purpose will win even though they have more numbers and he whines about how their, Westeros I take it, armies aren't unified and everyone wants something different and when she asks what he wants he just raises his glass of wine and downs it as if to say that's what he wants
and he laments they haven't had a real fight in 9 years and backstabbing, scheming, arse-licking and money-grubbing don't count and he doesn't know what hold sit together and Cersei says dramatically "our marriage" and he immediately bursts out laughing like he takes zero effort to pretend he has any fondness or respect for her other than as a business associate and she just starts giggling too as if it's funny because it's true that their loveless marriage is the only thing keeping everything in check and he very honestly and bluntly as if he's just talking to a work colleague and not saying something that could be quite cruel to his wife asks her if she ever gets tired, and she says every day, I presume they mean putting up with him, and he asks how long can hate hold something together, I guess he figures she hates him, but maybe also a more general hate that keeps her motivated to keep going and stay near power, maybe hatred for her father or something, and they both raise their glasses to her saying "well 17 years is a long time" and Cersei asks "what was she like?" and Rob is shocked to find her asking about "her" and Cersei admits she didn't talk about "her" out of spite to not give him the satisfaction of thinking she was hurt, but then she figured he might actually enjoy her being spiteful so fuck it, and apparently they're talking about Lyanna Stark who's already dead, who I think I recall from /tv/ shitposting was Ned's sister, and Rob asks "you want to know the horrible truth" oh boy here comes some edge he gives it a long pause and says "I cant even remember what she looked like" lmao but he still loved her and someone took her away from him and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole, I wonder who killed her, and Cersei admits she once felt something for Rob especially after they lost their first son, and she asks if there was ever a time or a moment where it was possible it could work between them, and Rob says "no" as if he doesn't want to burden himself with thinking he had a chance at a happier life and the asks "does that make you feel better or worse?" and Cersei is so used to tanking emotional trauma she just sips her wine and says blankly "doesn't make me feel anything" which is probably the most honest line we've gotten from her yet uggg I have such bad taste in women because I wish I was, well, Jaime lmao
and then we cut to some young thot rocking a baby talking to Ned about how she has a baby who looks just like her father... the king... and he asks about what the last Hand was there to talk about, and I guess she's a whore because she says he wasn't that sort of man, he just wanted to know if the child was happy and healthy... and probably to also make sure she wasn't going to tell anyone about a certain extra heir that's lying around, and Ned promises her the girl shall want for nothing, probably thinking the same thing that it's best to keep her in comfort so she doesn't go taddling, and then he leaves and finds CIA sitting with two of his girls while wearing a very modern looking almost dinner jacket style shirt and Ned asks about Robs bastards and CIA tries to explain it away that the last Hand tracked them down just because Rob had fatherly love for them but Ned aint buying it and one of the whores starts tempting his bodyguard with her breasts and Ned has to snap him out of it lmao but then when Ned leaves the brothel oh shit... LANNISTER GUARDS ARE FILLING THE STREETS and Jaime rides up taunting them "such a small pack of wolves" and Neds guard tries to big up but Jaime points out he aint the kings Hand no more and CIA comes out to defend Ned I guess because he needs him alive for his own machinations at the moment but Jaime tells him to go back inside because he needs to know where his brother is and Ned can tell how dangerous Jaime is and doesn't want him going after his wife so takes the blame for the manlets capture and Jaime immediately draws his sword and all his men in fancy uniform uniforms point their spears and Ned's one guard draws his sword and looks nervous but might as well die with honor and CIA tells them he's going to go dial ye olde 911 and get the city watch but Jamie starts taunting Ned to duel him saying "I'm going to cut your Lord from balls to brains and see what Starks are made of" and Ned just glares at him with Clint Eastwood style squinting eyes and cuts to the chase "you kill me, you're brothers a dead man" so Jaime says "you're right........ take him alive, kill his men" and oh I guess Ned did have those two best swordsmen waiting for him but not for long because JAIME'S SOLDIERS THROW SPEARS INTO NEDS TWO GUARDS
NED DRAWS HIS SWORD AND HIM AND HIS BODYGUARD START CHOPPING THEIR WAY THROUGH JAIME'S MEN AND THE BODYGUARD RUSHES JAMIE WHO EFFORTLESSLY BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS AND CASUALLY PLACES A DAGGER THROUGH HIS EYE AND OUT THE BACK OF HIS SKULL AS THE GUY GRUNTS AND TWITCHES AS HE DIES HOLY SHIIIIIIT
and Jaime lets him drop down and Ned looks at him in shock he's so fast and ruthless and all the spearmen surround them trapping Ned in the center of the street and Jaime raises his sword like come at me bro and NED ATTACKS HIM BUT JAIME DEFECLTS EVERY BLOW AND POSES LIKE HES ONLY SPARRING WITH A BIG SHIT EATING GRIN THAT HE GETS TO SHOW OFF HIS MOVES FINALLY
AND NED GRIMACES AND WAITS FOR JAIME TO UNLEASH HIS OWN FAR FASTER ATTACKS IN A FLURRY AT HIM AND NED GRITS HIS TEETH AS HE DEFLECTS THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN MANAGE AND GETS A FEW SWIPES BACK IN
BUT JAIME JUST DODGES AND PARRIES THEM UNTIL HES UP IN HIS FACE SMILING AT HIM BUT NED SUMMONS ALL HIS STRENGTH AND SHOVES HIM BACK AND... GETS STABBED IN THE LEG BY A SPEAR FROM ONE OF THE GUARDS LMAO
there we go there's our anti-climactic realism and Jaime looks annoyed his badass fight got cut short and casually walks over and LUMPS THE GUARD OUT I thought he was gonna take his helmet off and be revealed to be Stannis for his introduction as a much more sensible tactician or something but he was just some dweeb who couldn't tell Jaime was in control and then he sheathes his sword, hops up on his horse, tells Ned he wants his brother back and just casually rides off taking his personal guards with him as Ned passes out in the middle of the street surrounded by corpses holy shit the action scenes in this show are dank as fuck very realistic and brutal and I like how that guard guy died I mean I didn't even remember his name but that's just me being racist to white people all looking the same but I like it when action scenes have consequences like I hope that's Ned with a limp for the rest of his life like it would probably be in real life since that's what makes action exciting rather than just a bit of fun and usually its just the age rating of a movie or tv show keeping the violence from being too realistic but action scenes where no one loses anything are fucking pointless other than for a purely aesthetic appreciation you can have for some cool looking fights or something but to really get your heart pumping you need to think this is a big moment in the story for our characters who might die or be disabled or lose someone close to them or overcome their enemies rather than how most movies and shows do it where the story like takes a break for people to pointlessly punch each other for a bit anyway great shit this is the best episode so far imho lots of great scheming, three great fight scenes and thank fuck it was set all in Kingslanding with the only detours being what Cat and Tyrion, two characters directly involved in the Kingslanding plot, are up to, we saw zero of boring central The Wall or Mary Sue central the Dothraki storylines which can feel like literally different shows at times the setting and characters are so different and so quarantined from the rest of the narrative ok onto the next
Game of Thrones 1x06: "A Golden Crown" wife beating special edition
First aired: May 22, 2011
we pan past some netting or whatever to find Ned waking up in a sweat in bed with the grim faces of Cersei and Rob looking down at him and when he tries to suck up to Rob Cersei immediately starts arguing with him about Cat nabbing the brother that she isn't fucking and Robs like WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT YA MOUTHS!!! and orders Ned to release Tyrion and make peace with Jaime but Ned whines "he butchered my men!" and Cersei smirks at him like lmao he thinks telling the truth will help him watch this gayboi and starts lying "Lord Stark was returning drunk from a brothel when his men attacked Jaime" and he was indeed leaving a brothel and they don't exactly have alcohol blood tests back then so she can spin it as she likes but Rob snaps QUIET WOMAN! because he knows all too well of her bullshit absolutely based Rob keeping the thot in line and Ned demands justice from Jaime and Cersei starts winding up Rob questioning his kinghood and when he tells her to HOLD YER TONGUE she points out its her brothers hes gone after so I SHOULD WEAR THE ARMOR, AND YOU THE GOWN
going after his manhood now lmao and Rob turns to her like right, there we go, the line has been reached and SLAPS THE THOT ACROSS THE FACE absolutely BASED & REDPILLED
and Ned looks a bit shocked like he's such a moralfag he doesn't agree with that no matter what's going on between their families and Cersei recovers, smiles to herself like she's not surprised and its actually a relief to just have the dysfunctional nature of their relationship out in the open and taunts him "I shall wear this as a badge of honor" as her face starts to bruise and Rob says WEAR IT IN SILENCE OR ILL HONOR YOU AGAIN and she leaves in a huff top wife beating and Rob immediately starts blaming Cersei for winding him up but as if Ned just looking at him is all he needs to prickle whats left of his honor he admits "I should not have hit her, that was not... kingly" pretty sure in those days that was literally considered normal like pathetic retards still defending slapping children in [the current year] you would literally get people angrily accusing you of being the weird immoral one if you said you shouldn't do that but ok maybe in this world its different and its considered a class thing or something not to resort to violence in your own home like some thuggish poor person and Ned warns there'll be a war so Rob just tells him to release "that little shit of an Imp" and Ned starts whining about Jaime but Rob's got too much fucking debt to his dad and just tells him some real politik shit that he doesn't care what happened between them he cant rule with them at war so just fucking drop it and Ned, perhaps being more on the merciful side of morally uptight rather than vengeful but also looking down at his fucked up leg and shivering from the fever of an infection accepts this and asks to leave but Rob wants him to stay seemingly out of fear he has no one else he can trust not wanting to persecute him or anything and he talks about how he never loved his actual brothers but Ned is the one he chose and he tosses Ned his badge back and goes off to hunt as "killing clears my head" and Ned immediately starts whining about Dany again but Rob just threatens that if he doesn't put on that badge he'll give it to Jaime Lannister and storms out and Ned realizes he has no choice since he figures he knows what some of Jaime's first decisions would be if he got it
then unfortunately we cut to Dany holding the dragon egg fossil and tentatively puts it on some burning coals and sits there as if she's expecting it to hatch or something when one of these interchangeable slave girls comes in and finds her picking it up and shes like wtf and grabs it off of her getting burned but... Dany isn't burned at all... hmmmmmm
then Bran has another dream about the three eyed raven, this shit is reminding me of all the weird dream sequences in Lost, the most obvious imagery here being the third eye in real world eastern mythology that represents being able to perceive spiritual wisdom that we all know actually represents your pineal gland that pedophile elites get high on the DMT of from eating them out of dead childrens brains to talk to the aliens like Alex Jones says but I guess this is representing Bran's spiritual struggle on whether to grass up Jaime or not and him chasing after this bird that seems to indicate wisdom, although maybe lethal wisdom since it's a crow that's usually associated with death, is representing him struggling to find what the right decision is but then he gets woken up before he can get the crow by Hodor bringing him his fancy harness that's been built and then we cut to him whooping and cheering as he's successfully riding around on his horse as his two brothers or whoever these generic white guys are talk about what went down last episode and how they need to gather an army to go roll on the Lannisters, ok its whoever this second in command oldest son guy is and Theon who's stirring trouble because he's an insecure dumbass who wants to be on the winning side of a war for once, and this guy, who does bare a striking resemblance to Jon's actor, tells him it's not his duty to worry about it, and then suddenly the sound of the horse disappears and he worries where Bran suddenly went to and Theon just says not my duty lol peace thanks shithead and then we see some raggedy ass little hobo sneaking through the forest after Bran and two more come out and catch his horse and start shaking him down for it and his silver broach but he cant get off his horse because of the straps so he nuts up and threatens to have them killed because he's a Stark but they don't believe him and one of the suggests they CUT HIS LITTLE COCK OFF AND STUFF IT IN HIS MOUTH ok that does it EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 12maybe I just haven't gotten laid in a while (28 years) but that female murder hobo is pretty cute I wouldn't mind showing her how I can put my cock in my mouth all by myself I mean uh put mine in hers because I'm normal and not weird
but she realizes probably from his fancy saddle and broach that he is actually a Stark and suggests they ransom and I think these people might be wildlings because one of the men says fuck that because they're going down south away from the White Walkers and then we see Bran's big brother finding them and he draws his sword and says DROP THE KNIFE AND ILL LET YOU LIVE and the leader just hisses at his minion who rushes the standing king and SWINGS HIS AXE AT HIM, WHICH HE LEANS BACK AWAY FROM NOT MOVING HIS FEET AN INCH, DEFLECTS THE AXE AND THEN SLITS HIS THROAT OPEN, HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
AND THE QT FEMALE ONE WHACKS HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CLUB BUT HE JUST KNOCKS HER DOWN, RAMS THROUGH THE THIRD WILDLING AND HOLDS THE WOMAN HOSTAGE AS THE FINAL BAD GUY TAKES BRAN HOSTAGE and Bran calls to Robb, ok goddamn it that's going to get annoying to remember I wish I went back to not even knowing his name, and the wildling orders him to drop the blade and Bran tells him not to but Robb pussies out and puts his sword down but then AN ARROW COMES OUT OF NOWHERE THROUGH THE WILDLINGS HEART...
I guess he really is good at archery! and Robb drops the woman as Theon holds her at, uh, arrowpoint, and during all that Bran got cut and Robb asks if hes ok and Bran says it doesn't hurt and Theon is impressed with how tough he is but its probably just because hes, you know, paralysed from the waist down and cant feel anything at all lmao, and he ribs Robb about being a man now he killed enemies in battle but Robb gets triggered that Theon took that shot when he couldn't even see where Bran was and Theon yells that was the only option and Robb gives in since those were his first kills it seems and Theon has actually seen a real battle before and is the real gangster between the two of them but then Robb asks what about the woman and Theon just grimaces like they know what they have to do but she begs Robb for her life saying that "I'm yours" hmmmm I wonder what she means and Robb looks down at Bran and decides they'll keep her alive what are they gonna see if Bran's dick still works on her or something
then we cut to Tyrion sleeping in his cell and he rolls over in his sleep and ALMOST ROLLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE CLIFF LMAO and he starts banging on the door and screaming for Mord who I guess is the fat asshole who threw him in the cell, shows how resourceful Tyrion is that he picked up his name in that stressful situation, and he comes barging in slapping Tyrion and yelling DWARF MAN MAKING NOISE! like hes a bit on the slow side and Tyrion tries to bribe him by asling if he'd like to be rich and this dude who has a huge scar on his head as if he's suffered some brain damage yells again DWARF MAN STILL MAKING NOISE! and hits him and Tyrion realizes he cant be subtle with this dude and starts yelling that his family has lots of gold and he'll give it to him and this fucking fat retard frisks Tyrion and remarks NO GOLD! and hits him again and Tyrion's like "well I don't have it here!" and the guy just says FUCK OFF! and marches out lmao cant manipulate someone who's too dumb to understand what you're saying an ingenious decision of who to appoint jailer from the pedo queen there
then back in Kingslanding Arya is having her sword fighting training but she doesn't want to from how fucked her family is but her training just starts slapping her with his wooded sword and winding her up saying when there's trouble that's the only time you are going to fight so best get used to it and starts talking a bunch of flowery autism about how she'll be quick as a shadow one day this guy seems to nice and happy I'm sure he'll die in a horrible manner and he asks which gods she prays to and she says "the old and the new" and he says THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD... AND HIS NAME IS DEATH ok not Allah then got scared there I presume this is maybe the first introduction of some weird death cult that seems to come into the show later on
then we cut to... DANY EATING A HEART in the centre of a group of chanting women as Aquaman looks on and her brother is like "she has to eat the whole heart? hope that wasn't my horse" to Jonah who says "she's doing well" but her brother says "she'll never keep it down" as if they're on fucking Fear Factor and Joe Rogan's about to step out and Dany intensely stares Aquaman in the eyes as if she's proving to him she's worthy to be a Dothraki and Jonah starts translating the songs edgy lyrics where they're singing praise to her son that I guess she's doing some ritual to power up with the horses heart about how he'll make his enemies wives cry tears of blood and shit but the borther isn't impressed and says he wont be a true Tygerian or whatever his family name is and Dany finishes the heart but then doubles over almost vomiting and everyone goes quiet as she gags and heaves but then she slowly gets back up onto her knees having... NOT THROWN UP and swallows whats left and Aquaman looks like he's glad he married this badass bitch and Jonah starts translating again about a horse god that'll fuck the world or something and Dany stands up and starts playing along about how the Prince rides within her is called "Rhaego" and they all chant the name including a dude with half his face painted blue like some William Wallace shit and her brother is surprised and pleased to learn the Dothraki all love Dany as Aquaman carries her around and Jonah grits his teeth as if hes about to nut and says "she truly is a queen today"
but the brother has already left and we see him opening the chest of dragon eggs and he puts one in his bag but gets caught by Jonah who warns him about carrying a sword in the city apparently they have strict sword control laws lol sword free zone and the brother just quips "not my law" fucking hell yeah dude and Jonah also warns against stealing the eggs but his plan is to sell them for ships and he starts fucking whining and greeting about how he's been the last hope of the greatest dynasty the world has ever seen since he was 5 years old but no one has ever given him what she got in that tent and looks like hes about to cry out of nowhere literally because some savages cheered for his sister and he's never gotten any positive attention in his entire life which is pretty fucking pathetic and makes it understandable why his coping mechanism is to be so arrogant despite how useless he is and Jonah just stands there staring at him like he has nothing to say as a hardened man of war to this whining boy and the brother just calls him out for lusting after Dany but then says "I don't care, have her, she can be queen of the savages and dine on whatever horseparts she likes and you can dine on whatever parts of her you like" top kek and goes to leave but Jonah wont let him take the eggs and stares him down and the brother calls him out for dishonering his oath to him but Jonah says honers everything to him so the brother just gives in figuring he'll find some way to trick him later and drops the eggs and storms off and Jonah stands there triumphant I guess really acting out of pure orbiting of Dany since he doesn't seem that mad at the Starks to start a war over it that he wouldn't just stay over there free from them instead
then back with Tyrone hes banging on the door for Mord who rushes in and slaps him with a "cosh" as Liam Neeson would say yelling NO GOLD! and Tyrone tries to explain, through a cringing face as if he knows it wont work, "sometimes... possession is an abstract concept" and Mord just hits him again and Tyrone, oh god have I just called him Tyrone three times? fuck it dude I'm going to keep doing it until I remember his real name, tries to explain "when they captured me they took my purse but the gold... is still mine" and Mord demands WHERE? and he tries to explain "I don't know where but when they free me-" but Mord just hits him and says "you want free? go be free" and points off the side of the cliff lmao and Tyrone tries "have you ever heard the phrase..... rich as a Lannister?" and when Mord doesn't hit him he tries to explain that he's a Lannister and tries "a Lannister always pays his debts" and Mord seems to recognise that too and then tells him he'll be in his debt to no response so he dumbs down even more "I will owe you gold" and Mord stands there staring at him until it finally clicks and agrees to deliver the message "I wish to confess my crimes"
then cut to the throne room full of subjects as he stands before the queen and she boasts to her sister "the sky cells always break them" idk its got a great view and lots of fresh air seems nice and Tyrone looks around at the subjects and starts really chewing the scenery pretending to be remorseful for his sinful life and as he lists all his crimes he mentions how hes good at convincing others to do his crimes for him and he looks at Cat who gets the hint and looks at her bodyguard and he looks like he gets the hint too and as if just to buy more time Tyrone starts telling a story about stealing a girls robe when he was 7 and when he closes his eyes he can still see her tits bouncing lmao and the crowd mutters in shock and he goes on saying when he was 10 he stuffed his uncles boots with goatshit and blamed someone else and when he was 12 "I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew, I flogged the one-eyed snake! I skinned my sausage! I made the bald man cry! into the turtle soup! which I believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did!" not even that weird for that family
and the crowd stats giggling at his insane antics but when he gets to "I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel" the queen realizes hes bullshitting and demands SILENCE but her son is like WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? and Cat demands to know about Bran and the last Hand and he tells her he has no idea about that and she seems to believe him and the queen gets triggered and tells Mord to lock him back up... on a steeper floor, and Tyrone gives a speech about how this is unjust and that he demands a trial and the queen says if he loses he pays with his life, but not by an executioner, they live more elegantly there and she orders to "open the moon door" and her dipshit zoomer son starts clapping away as... the platform in the middle of the room breaks apart to reveal a massive drop into from the mountain they're on and the fair trial is going to be... "my son will listen to whatever you have to say, and you will hear his judgement, then you will leave, by one door or the other" top fucking kek, this is how Trump needs to run America, just let Baron decide everything, and Tyrone already knows this little shit wants to "watch him fly" so he instead demands... trial by combat, and the whole room giggles and the queen looks at her sister and agrees, and then almost every man in the room stands up and says he'll fight for her to avenge their king and Tyrone just looks at them all smiling happily and the zoomer prince stands up and yells MAKE THE BAD MAN FLY!!!! and Tyrone looks at him like fuck you kid but then the queen asks presumably their best fighter, the head of their soldiers, if he wants to fight but he thinks it would be dishonerable to fight a midgo to which Tyrone actually agrees, and the queen is like wtf, and Tyrone reveals his masterplan, that he'll appoint a champion... which I thought was going to be Cats bodyguard guy he's won the trust of and was seemingly signalling to before, but it's actually JAIME LANISTER! and everyone gasps and some of the men stand down but the queen says hes too far away so Tyrone awkwardly asks for a volunteer and everyone just laughs at him including the shit head prince until... ah... there we go... Tyrone's real masterplan was to manipulate... the bodyguard guy into volunteering, and he just shrugs to Tyrone like eh why not
then back in Kingslanding king Rob, Incel Lannister, his gay cousin or whatever and the old general guy are in the woods hunting (in a scene that I heard in an interview with GRRM was a good example of how the budget of the show cuts into the realism he was trying to have in his books, e.g. when a king went hunting it wasn't just 3 guys with him, he had an entire division of hundreds of guards bringing a small town of supplies and tents with him everywhere he went) with Rob having wine poured into his mouth by his servant every few paces lmao and hes ranting about how war used to be so simple with the enemy right in front of you without all this cloak and dagger bs now adays which reminds me of modern warfare that's all about asymmetric counter-insurgency vs guerrilla tactics shit rather than two armies meet somewhere and see who has the biggest guns which dipshit normies still think war is like and thinks America can beat anyone despite getting humiliated over and over again by peasant farmers lmao and Rob teases the gay dude who I guess is closeted but Rob seems to be onto him for throwing fancy balls and how in his day "you weren't a real man until you fucked a girl from all 7 kingdoms! and the riverlands! we used to call it making the eight!" and he asks his general if he ever made the eight who just sighs no your grace like he's used to his bullshit but the gay dude cant take it anymore and plants his spear down and says "the good old days? when half of Westeros killed the other half? or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it? or way before that, when dragons burned whole cities to the ground?" blowing this old nostalgic boomer fuck the hell out like all the dipshit fans of this show that wish they lived in medieval times need to be blown the fuck out and Rob says "easy boy! you might be my brother but you're speaking to the king!" ah ok hes his brother and his brother gets legit angry and snarls at him that it was a heroic time if he had a poor whore to shove your prick into and make the eight and storms off I guess his little talk with his boyfriend before this made him resentful he'll realistically never be king when this obnoxious moron is and Incel Lannister knows his king well enough to offer him his wine which he downs in one go and slouches off depressed that his whole family hates him
then back home we see Ned as our first person actually sitting on the Iron Throne as he's Robs second in command and CIA is by his side taking notes and the old ass guy or whatever is on his other as some peasant tells him about how some edgemasters burned his village, took their women, took them again, slaughtered them like animals, covered their children in pitch and called them niggers no they lit them on fire and he assures them "they weren't thieves they even left something behind your grace" and the old man tuts "this is the Kings Hand you're addressing" yeah I guess in those days you wouldn't know who was who unless you were told cant exactly see him on the news or online even the king if this was before they started putting his face on all the coins and one of them brings over a sack he opens up... of fish guts, and CIA remarks that it's the sigil of house Tully and whispers... not so quietly... to Ned "isn't that your wife's house?" and Ned asks if these men were flying a sigil and this dumb peasant doesn't even know what that is so he explains a banner and he says no, but the one who was leading them was taller than a foot by any man he'd ever seen who cut his blacksmiths in two and took the head off a horse with a single swing, and Ned recoils as he recognizes the description but CIA the little shit pushes it home "sounds like someone we know... The Mountain" as if he didn't fucking send him himself and the old man says why would he do that he's a knight but CIA says he's "Tywin Lannister's mad dog" and whispers, again not so quietly, to Ned "can you think of any reason the Lannisters might possibly have to be angry with your wife?" as if he doesn't know exactly and the old guy says it'd be very brazen to attack villages under the kings protection just to get back at Ned and CIA points out yeah like attacking him in the streets of the capital and the old man just gives up speaking like he cant be bothered trying to curtail CIAs damage anymore and Ned declares he'll try to give them justice and then summons a Lord to assemble 100 men to ride to Gregor's keep and he stands up with a walking stick shaking on his fucked leg and gives this huge big Iron Fist style title drop shit officially declaring in the kings name that Gregor is denounced and sentenced to death and CIA smirks as if maybe he framed The Mountain like he just paid these dumb peasants to spin a tall tale or something or really had their families killed and threatened more deaths if they don't play along and the old man glances over at him like he can tell whats going on now and begs Ned to not be rash but Ned orders that Tywin arrive and answer for this bannermens crimes let he be branded and enemy of the crown since it seems CIA has successfully used his resentment against that family against him and the crowd is shocked to hear him turn on the man who half the kingdom is in debt to and CIA praises him but tests his resolve by telling him "gold wins wars, not soldiers" this nigga ain't heard of Bin Laden's "bleed the beast" tactic obviously and Ned just snarls "then how come Robert is king... and not Tywin Lannister?" odd that CIA would want Ned to turn on The Mountain but maybe he's just angling to put Rob in the awkward position of having to choose between Ned and his father in laws who's his biggest finance knowing he just has to push the situation a little further to have Ned getting fucked whenever he wants
then back in the crazy mountain palace they are opening the moon doors again that they closed for no reason just to edgily open it again we see the queens champion putting his faceguard down and getting his shield and sword ready and the bodyguard dude waving away a shield like he just needs his sword and the little zoomer prince hops up and screams FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! *mortal combat music starts up*
AND THE TWO MEN START SWINGING THEIR HEAVY SWORDS AT EACH OTHER AS THE BODYGUARD GUY KEEPS ON THE DEFENCE JUMPING BACK FROM THE INCOMING BLADES UNTIL HES CHASED UP AND OFF THE STAIRCASE AND THE QUEEN SCREAMS "STAND AND FIGHT COWARD!" SO HE KICKS A GIANT CANDLESTICK THING AT THE CHAMPION WHO JUST STEPS OVER IT AND COMES SWINGING AT HIM ALMOST KNOCKING HIM DOWN THE MOON DOOR AS THE PRINCE GIGGLES WITH GLEE HE GETS TO SEE SOMEONE FALLING
BUT THE BODYGUARD GUY DODGES TO THE SIDE AND STARTS DODGING MORE BLOWS AS THE CHAMPION LUMBERS AFTER HIM IN HIS HEAVY ARMOR SMASHING HIS SWORD OFF OF PILLARS AND OUR HERO GRABS SOME RANDOM DUDE AND THROWS HIM AT THE WARRIOR WHO JUST SHOVES HIM AWAY KEK AND THE CROWD STARTS MOVING OUT THE WAY REALIZING THEY'RE IN DANGER AND AS THE HEAVILY ARMORED DUDE ATTACKS THE BODYGUARD SEES HIS OPPORTUNITY NOW HES TIRED HIM OUT TO SLIP IN AND RAM HIS BLADE INTO HIS SIDE AND TYRONE YELLS "YES!!" AND THE CHAMPION TAKES HIS FACEPLATE UP TO WIPE SWEAT OFF HIS FACE AND THE QUEEN YELLS FOR HIM TO "FINISH HIM!" LIKE ITS MORTAL COMBAT
SO HE DROP HIS FACEPLATE BACK DOWN AND STAGGERS TOWARDS THE BODYGUARD WHO DOGES OUT THE WAY AND FINALLY PARRIES HIS ATTACK AND RUNS HIS BLADE UP THE BACK OF HIS LEG MUCH TO TYRONES AMUSEMENT AND WHEN HE CHARGES AT HIM THE BODYGUARD JUST TRIPS HIM AND LETS HIM FALL, KICKS HIS SHIELD AWAY, CATCHES HIS SWORD ARM, LOOKS UP AT THE QUEEN, RAISES HIS SWORD AS THE MANS WIFE CRYS FOR MERCY
pretty good fight where the guy just tired this dude lumbering around with a huge shield out by kiting him around the room until he was too gassed to defend himself and armor then he turns to Tyrone who smirks at him and the little zoomer kid smiles and asks his mum "is it over?" and Cat looks sad as she knows her sisters reaction before she says "you don't fight with honor!" and the bodyguard guy admits "no... he did!" and points down the moon door at his fuckboy opponent and Mord confusedly takes Tyrone's shackles off, the prince asks if he can "make the little man fly now" but Tyrone quips "not this little man", gets his shekels back from the outrageous pigtails neckbeard guy, gives Cat a bow and proves the saying right by tossing Mord his entire purse of coins much to his joy... but then as the door closes you see some guards moving in on Mord like he wont be allowed to keep it lol, ok that was a weird detour that they just let him go but I guess that's what happens when you do brainlet things like trial by combat
then back in Kingslanding we see Sansa and some old nun lady sewing together talking about hair styles and when Sansa asks where the old lady is from and she starts up on a big story about her homeland Sansa suddenly cuts her off and says "oh wait... I just realized I don't care" you know what, congratulations you little, thot because you just earned an EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 13
I guess this is to show how badly just thinking about wanting to be with a Lannister is corrupting her, and speak of the little shit devil, Joffrey walks in and they actually all bow to each other with Sansa looking flustered and Joffrey literally says "m'lady" and apologises for giving her the cold shoulder and puts a necklace, similar to his mothers, bit weird, on her as a gift, and starts talking all romantically about how she'll be his queen one day and he'll never be cruel to her again and she soaks it all up beaming with pride as he plants a kiss on her and the nun looks on with sadness knowing he's just telling her everything she wants to hear so she'll stick around like abusive men she's probably seen throughout her life, I wonder what that was about, I'm sure it was just Cersei talking him into it
then on the road we see Theon riding down and ordering a turnip cart to stop because it's got Ros in the back who claims to be heading to a ship to Kingslanding and Theon does his version of asking her to stay by saying she'll have to fuck old at Lords with tiny pricks who cant get it up and will knock her teeth in and she mocks his heritage knowing he likes it in a fucked up way because it gives him an excuse to exalt his family but hes not up for their banter today because he actually misses her and he just whines "don't be stupid" but she explains everyone knows there's a war coming after Jaime attacked Ned in the streets so all the men up there will be marching down south leaving her no business left and then summing up their fucked up little romance as the cart takes off Theon begs "let me see it one more time!" and she teases like a great buisnesswoman "see what?" and he tosses her a coin and SHE FLASHES HIM HER PUSSY, NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES UNDER HER DRESS and Theon grins and calls I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
and she confidently says "I know!" like she knows making a dopey insecure guy like him fall for her is easy peasy, goddamn prostitution is pathetic, not for the prostitute though they're just on that grind doing their hustle, people who pay for sex are the fucking pathetic ones lmao, just more degenerate shit like drugs or gambling where you're chasing some feeling of satisfaction you'll never manage since it's all fake shit, thankfully Theon wont have this problem for much longer..
then back in Kingslanding, thank fuck we haven't been back to The Wall in two episode fuck you Jon Snow, Ned is telling his girls they have to go home much to their distress since Sansa has Joffrey and Arya has her training with Spyro the dragon or whatever his name is but Ned tries to explain it's for their safety and Sansa goes on this but spiel about how she's going to be a queen and Ned tries to comfort her saying he'll find her someone king and gentle and strong but she has a fit saying she wants Joffrey wow I guess the girls really do love the bad boys even if they are an inbred autist and Arya and Ned just smirk I guess knowing she's dramatic about fucking everything but when she says that their children will have lovely blonde hair since Joffrey's nothing like the idiot drunk king it hits Ned... ah yes... who else do I know that's a sadistic blond dickhead... and suddenly tells the girls to just pack up and limps off as fast as he can to his desk and opens up that big tome of family histories until he finds the bit about Robs family and reads how every single one of his male ancestors was black of hair with Joffrey being the first one in the recorded history of his ancestry to have golden hair and he sits back like no.... no.... that's fucking gross even for me
then back in mongolia there is a big party going on when the drunken brother wanders in calling for Dany who knows what a shithead he is and that this will end very badly for him so tells Jonah to stop him but he wont listen and starts telling him "nobody touches dragon!" and Aquaman just laughs at him and tells him through Jonahs translation that there's a place for him back there as he sits back seeing what the brother will do and this idiot start ranting that he's a king, gets triggered when Aquaman says he is no king in his first English sentence and draws his sword on Jonah and the music suddenly stops as everyone sees this outsider brought a sword in and Jonah warns them "they'll kill us all" but the brother who's name I've yet to learn has found out, seemingly conveniently of-screen, that it's against their culture to "spill blood in their sacred city... but I can" so he just wanders around holding his sword to women like he can do whatever he wants and they cant even defend themselves until he finds Dany, puts the sword... to her belly... and then demands that he get his crown that he came here for, and one of the thots translates to Aquaman, so the brother tells her to tell him to hand over his crown or hes taking Dany back... "he can keep the baby... I can cut it out and leave it for him" oooh he's an edgy prick and there's a kino shot of him threatening his unborn nephew as the father stops laughing and looks straight at the sword like that's him green lighting him right that instant without even needing to think about it
and Aquaman starts talking in Dothraki and Dany tells him he's saying "you shall have a golden crown... that men shall tremble to behold" and satisfied he takes his sword away and says that's all he wanted, and giggles with joy as if maybe for the first time in his life he might finally be getting some adoration and looks like hes about to hug Aquaman he's so needy but with a word two big guys grab him and ONE BREAKS HIS ARM and he starts hollering they cant touch him because "I am the dragon! I want my crown!" and he starts shrieking like a bitch as they hold him down and then Aquaman casually goes over to a metal pot some food is cooking in over a fire, chucks it out and drops in some golden amulets... and Jonah can tell whats coming and tells Dany to look away, but so can she and she refuses and just looks at her brother completely cold eyed like shes becoming a real Dothraki gangster and the brother sees the melting gold and starts catching on and starts begging Dany for mercy and Aquaman picks up the pot of boiling gold... which I'm pretty sure would never burn over a regular open air food cooking fire and would need to be put in a specially built super hot kiln to melt but ok... walks over to the begging brother who gives one last scream to Dany but looks up and... KAHL DROGO GRUMBLES "A CROWN FOR A KING"
AND HOPS DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM TO INTIMATELY STUDY HIS DYING SCREAMING FACE AS HIS SKULL IS BOILED THROUGH AND THE METAL STARTS TO COOL AND HARDEN AROUND HIS FUCKING BRAIN AS HE YELPS IN AGONY
AND DANY JUST STARES AT HIM AND SAYS "HE WAS NO DRAGON... FIRE CANNOT KILL A DRAGON" HAHAHAHA WEW LADDY IS THAT GONNA BE A EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 14 FROM ME
ok that was spoiled for me like 8 years ago on /tv/ and it makes little logical sense and uh Aquaman there's literally one line delivery was a little stilted and mumbling but that is a pretty dank ass death I'll give that to them I'm also surprised they killed off this guy who's name I'll never learn now so fast since he's the main element connecting the Dothraki shit to the main storyline but I guess his character of the uppity spoiled fop prince and incestuous controlling brother is already covered by the Lannister family so rip in piss only thing is when I saw the screencaps from this years ago I figured the context would be they are about to give him an actual crown after some more build up and he is sober as he kneels down to get it but then they melt the crown down and kill him by pouring it over his head with Dany having actually put Aquaman up to it she hates her brother so much rather than it just being some random gold being melted, him only getting into that situation because he's dumb enough to stumble in there pulling his piece on Dany while drunk as fuck and it being a spur of the moment decision from Aquaman with no input from Dany other than being glad its happening, I guess things will always be better in my head than they actually are because that seemed more compelling than just this random murder as if they got bored of writing for this character rather than a way that helps further all three concerned characters but I guess that's realisms for you where not every big event in someones life has full thematic weight sometimes someone just gets tired of your shit and pours molten gold over your head, here's a fan theory though: maybe the plot to take out the Targaryens has already started, maybe Varys, is that the spelling? already sent word to his spy Jo... Jorah not Jonah right? to start knocking those platinum blonde pricks off, and that's the real reason he stopped the brother who's name I'll never learn now from running off with the eggs, since he knows if he just keeps him around a little longer he wont be able to stop himself from running afoul of Aquaman and get himself killed? and maybe there'll be a scene where he's meant to take out Dany next but he's too much of an orbiter and defects to her side or something, bonus meme:
Game of Thrones 1x07: "You Win or You Die" crashing this kingdom... with no survivors! special edition
First aired: May 29, 2011
ok we open on what seems like an armys tent city that's all red and we see inside the biggest tent is Jaime reading the summons letter from Ned to his father Tywin who the first thing we see of him is sharpening a blade to cut open a dead deer, I get the impression that this is to like hint at his lethal nature or something although it's something only a 1st century liberal city dwelling american would try to convey that with since uh hunting was a normal daily activity for survival for most of human existence and still is all around the world but I guess this show is for ultra soyboys who think prostitution is edgy so it probably works, and as he guts this deer he admonishes Jaime for attacking Ned and then starts goading him to say something clever because he knows he's the one man Jaime wont talk back to and then he admonishes Jaime for being too insecure to get it over with and kill a wounded man because it wouldn't be a "clean" kill as Jaime puts it and the practical effects for this deer getting skinned are pretty good bravo whoever put that together this is one of those things you can miss the craftmenship of since you might just not realize its fake but it really stands out as lame if they fuck it up and you can tell right away its fake
and Tywin keeps chiding Jaime for caring about what others think of him and as he slits open the deers lungs he tells him to take half their men, 40K, to Cats girlhood home and remind them a Lannister always pay their debts which I guess is his interpretation of that saying rather than Tyrones more nice way of just giving people gold they promised them he means that they'll fuck you up if you do anything against them lel and Jaime says hes surprised he cares so much about his brother, I guess hoping to hear he doesn't at all because he's probably insecure people like Tyrone better than him despite him being more traditionally impressive, and Tywin explains he's still a Lannister and him being captive brings disrespect to their name and Jaime talks back about oh so you do care what others think and Tywin snaps that's not an opinion that's a fact as if he doesn't have much respect for Jaime being such a pompous git and treats him like a cheeky boy rather than another man who's disrespect is anything more than annoying and not anything like a serious concern and Jaime stands there trying to keep a straight face as his seemingly far more callous father raises his voice to him which probably brings him back to getting his ass whooped as a kid and just stands there shutting his mouth and Tywin spells it out if another house can hold one of them captive they wont be feared anymore and it'll end with their entire family dead if they let this stand which is all that matters not his personal glory or whatever as he furiously saws through this deers skin and he turns around to ask if he understands and Jaime just stands there in silence and nods as if he's talking to an actual lion he doesn't want to make any aggression towards but also doesn't dare even show weakness or fear I'm really fucking liking this actor for Tywin he's immediately intimidating just telling his loyal son what to do never mind how he'd treat his enemies and Jaime's actor plays off against him fantastically and Tywin can tell Jaime's pride is going to get him to do some dumb shit so gives him a little dressing down telling him he's so privileged but all he is is a bodyguard to a mad king and then a drunk king as if lowering his ego will keep him from acting rashly and as soon as he sees Jaime's guard being lowered he goes straight up to him and holds his face and reasons with him that their family could reign for a thousand years if he can just be the great man he wants to be right now and Jaime looks completely enthralled by his fathers manipulations but then get shook as if he's worried he'll fail him as he leaves, really great performances there, but one thing though if everyone involved knows what Tywin is like Cat is kind of a fucking moron to have Tyrone arrested with fuck all evidence other than a hair probably from his sister, she could probably just ask around and find Tyrone was at least helping Bran out afterwards, it'd be quite the dangerous ploy to try to make yourself look framed by giving an assassin your blade when you could have just stayed out of it all together and for some reason thinks bringing him to her sister is going to help the matters as if she can just pass the blame onto her and it wont just get her kingdom involved too instead of just the Starks and not to be a shitlord or anything but she should have really talked to Ned about it beforehand since fucking obviously there's going to be blowback on their family and more specifically their underage daughters who are currently living in the palace his family controls, but I guess that's useless women for you
then back at Kingslanding we get an interesting shot from Ned's POV of him sitting in a garden when Cersei walks up to him looking down at him blocking out the sun and suggests he go back home as he struggles to even stand up to claim to know what the last Hand died over and when Cersei deflects by asking if that's why he called her there to pose riddles, which is almost all the dialog in this show lmao, he tries to throw her off in a way only he could manage by showing his concern and disapproval of Rob hitting her and she says Jaime would have killed him for it and that he's a thousand times the man his friend is, weird that they're making such a big deal out of that slap since that was completely normal back then and seems to be in this world where we've seen people slapping each other constantly, most memorably Tyrone slapping Joffrey and I am pretty sure Cersei slapped her brother at some stage, and Ned drops the bombshell YOUR BROTHER... OR YOUR LOVER?
and Cersei just smiles at him with a poker face like oh that's where you want to go lets go fam and she starts pretending as if she's defensive by stating that the Targaryens wed brothers and sisters for 300 years to keep the bloodlines pure, a tradition Dany's late brother seemingly wanted to keep alive, and when Ned looks like he's falling for it she starts acting more confident by saying they shared a womb together and belong together as if nah actually she's not going to let him try to make her feel shame about it at all and Ned's realized Bran saw them together and she just stares at him like whatcha gonna do about it and then pleasantly but not really asks if he loves his children and he snaps back as much as you love yours as if pointing out if she threatens his kids she has kids too and then drops "and they're all Jaime's" and she keeps on the track of how not-ashamed she is by saying "thank the gods, in the rare event that Robert leaves his whores for long enough to stumble drunk into my bed I finish him off in other ways, in the morning he doesn't remember" lmao @ the epicentre of Cersei's statecraft is wanking her husband off so his heirs are all actually her brothers, probably trained on how to give a good handy on Jaime for years to make sure her plans fall into place (and his cum falls on the sheets), also wonder if this is important to her so she can drop the bomb on Joffrey that Rob wasn't his father in case he ever feels loyalty to his family rather than the Lannisters so he'd hopefully be double loyal after finding out he was a double Lannister, and when Ned says she always hated him she spins a tale about how much she worshipped him and was so glad to marry the king but their disappointing drunk consummation ended with him calling her... by Ned's sisters name lmao and Ned blinks getting a bit shook at the mention of his dead sister, but he wont budge and tells her for the safety of her children her family needs to leave before he tells Rob, who I guess will take the side of the Starks who he still likes rather than the god awful Lannisters who make his life a nightmare, but Cersei just taunts him for not having the balls to take the Iron Throne when making Jaime get off of it after he killed the mad king, which I guess is why Jaime's so bootyblasted at Ned, I'm starting to appreciate all the intricate relationships here since that's what real life is like, too many works of fiction only have 1 protagonist and then the like 4 important people in their lives who get no relationships of their own, when in reality 1 person knows like 100 people and those people all know 100 people and they all probably interact with each other to different degrees and so and and so on, only thing I've read that showed the complexity of social networks well, where even auxiliary characters have their own relationships that have their own history and changes to them, is the Scott Pilgrim comic, where his friends ex will date his roomates ex and his ex will date his ex's ex and shit like that, and Ned says it wasn't a mistake but Cersei says oh but it was, WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME OF THRONES YOU WIN... OR YOU DIE... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! AH YES TRULY WE ARE PLAYING THE ADAPTATION OF GEORGE R.R. MARTIN'S A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SAGA ONLY ON HBO™ AT 9/8C GAME.OF.THRONES.(2011).S01E07.YIFY.MKV and Ned just grimaces at her title drop meme as she struts off having basically delivered a death threat
then we see CIA watching some cags bathe their children outside and WE SEE A LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS NAKED ASS!!!!!!!! AND A 4 YEAR OLD BOYS PENIS!!!!!!!!!! GET THIS FUCKING CHILD PORN OFF MY COMPUTER!!!!!!! NOT EVEN GONNA UPLOAD THE ORIGINAL SCREENCAP OF THIS!!!! fuck I guess it's CIA that's the fucking pedo fucking glass houses and all that mate ok I think that since its probably not even legal for me to see this in this country this is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 15 from me probably because the only reason this scene is in here is so the casting directors can look at naked kids or some pizzagate shit
and he comes back from the window into his brothel as some whore is doing a very porno performance of getting eaten out by another whore and CIA looks over with a raised eyebrow as if he's not buying her faked orgasms lmao and oh it's Ros who's the one getting eaten out and CIA actually snaps "no no no no! is that what they teach you up in the North?" because she's doing a shit job, heh I bet that scene was meant to be a fake-out where you think oh he's so cool having hot dykes having sex for his entertainment but then he reveals it's basically whore try-outs and they are faking it and not well enough for his whorehouses standards, but it was obvious she was faking it from the get-go since I am an expert in female pleasure from watching hours of BLACKED.com content every day and CIA dresses them down as if they're too dumb to even understand English and makes them start over this time switching gender roles and he reminds them they're not trying to genuinely fool them because they literally just paid them for this they're meant to show them such a good time they forget that they know its fake which takes time and they need to ease into it but both girls are clearly uncomfortable making love in front of this dickhead and CIA coaches them that the angle is the john is winning her over despite herself, which is what he wants to believe will happen anyway, and CIA gets all into it explaining how a man wants to prove he's better than other men when having sex and Ros sees an opening to manipulate her new boss and invites him to join in but CIA says "IM SAVING MYSELF FOR ANOTHER" LMAO THE ONEITIS IS STRONG IN THIS ORBITER is he a fucking virgin too or just a born again virgin, would be quite the kek if all this story is entirely centred around a eunuch virgin and a friendzoned virgin who cant get laid so have nothing better to do than pour all their excess motivation into starting wars just to piss the other one off and Ros says "what she doesn't know wont hurt her" and CIA drawls "a stupid saying, what we don't know is what usually gets us killed" to show his obsession with gaining intel and he describes Cat as "not particularly beautiful, impeccable bloodlines though" which sounds like something an alt-righter would say lel and he says he loved her for most of his life and claims she used to too and starts speaking dreamily about being her confidant and her telling him all her dreams and desires as if even in matters of love he values most learning secrets and then tells them about how he got humiliated by challenging the "Northerner with a jaw like an anvil" aka literally Chad aka Ned's dead brother I presume to a duel since "in the stories the little hero always beat the big bad guy" but he got rekt and Cat had to beg him to spare him because "he's just a boy" and when he died she ended up with his brother "an even more impressive specimen, how could I compare to him? he's just so.... good" he says with a snarl as the whores pretend to climax and he looks on with a sneer as if he's butthurt it's Ned who gets to do this with Cat and he rants about how he learned from that duel he cant beat them at their game by their rules so hes going to FUCK them because he admits that's his nature lmao his whole life is a beta uprising learning to use underhanded methods to overcome all the Chads of the realm who cuck him and as he orders them both to wash as they're working tonight he gives a little smile as if at least he still owns a bunch of beautiful women, some good insight into how CIA thinks about himself and the world but maybe a bit on the nose that a guy so obsessed with secrets would start unburdoning his character flaws and desires onto some untrustworthy, well, cags, who probably resent him and would enjoy selling him out at first convenience
then back at Winterfell we see the wildling woman being a servant and carting a bag of straw around, not sure that's what she meant by how she'd be Robb's I think she was talking about le bagina and it seems like kind of a bad idea to let a bandit who just tried to kill you and your little brother to work in your home but ok maybe an example of how Robb is not an experienced shotcaller yet, and then uhhh I think this is Theon fuck all these guys look the same comes in and starts acting edgy saying where he's from they'd stake her out on a beach and let the tide slowly inch towards her to drown her and this uncivilised uneducated woman just snorts up some snot and asks where the Iron Islands are lmao and Theon gets testy about muh heritage and insists she call him Lord but she doesn't get it and just keeps asking why like a little kid lmao and Theon starts boasting about muh family and she catches onto his glaring insecurities and starts winding him up that he cant be a Lord if his father is a Lord and Theon gets flustered trying to explain but then catches on that she's "having a go at me" and she smirks and calls him a Southerner for being south of The Wall and Theon, who seems to have a thing for feisty gals who'll talk back to him, probably because he consciously likes asserting himself but also subconsciously knows he's not really of high class and gets to externalise this anxiety in a safe environment rather than the nagging feeling that all the dangerous men around him don't actually respect him or his loser family, and they have some more banter until Theon sits down and holds her chin and offers to loose her chain but the old teacher guy catches him getting his rape culture on and asks him if he thinks being a guest or a prisoner need to be mutually exclusive and Theon gets super shook since that's his fucking life basically being a POW they keep around as a pet just because of who his father is and he goes off in a huff and the teacher who seems like a decent man who doesn't want this woman being sexually exploited warns he wont be around next time but she's not worried at all since she's used to far worse men than a dumbass like Theon and the teacher chuckles at her steel and asks why she came down here and she warns him about... the White Walkers
and then back at gay central The Wall, as if reading my mind of the sausage fest nature of this place, Sam says "I miss girls... not even talking to them... I never talked to them... just looking at them" as Jon looks out over frozen tundra from atop The Wall and Sam looks down at what he's looking at and after some squinting sees "riders" and waddles off to raise the alarm but Jon notices it's just a horse by itself running back home fast as fuck as if it's shook so they take the elevator down to see this agitated horse Jon clocks as... his uncle Benjin's horse
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother runs up to Ned with blood on his hands crying about how "we were hunting... and a boar..." hmmmm wonder why that happened off-screen, did he really get boar'd like Sawyers tent in LOST or is this some assassination attempt or some shit, I guess the kino is this power vacume would be caused by literally just random chance and can't be blamed on any one individual or groups intentions as if this is just inherent in the system itself or is meant to be the doings of the gods or some such, well we cut to a sick Rob in bed holding Joffrey's hand so I guess he aint crying fowl yet and he's telling His Wife's Son™ about how he should have spent more time teaching him how to be a man but he was never meant to be a father... yeah you weren't and you aren't mate lmao cuckboiiiiiiii getting cucked by your brother in law like that Adam Sandler movie, and when Ned arrives he tells Joffrey to leave since he doesn't want to see this and Joffrey looks like hes trying to summon the courage to stay but pussies out and runs off and Ned examines his fucked up side that a boar gored him at and Rob has already come to terms with having a lethal infection from the stink, boasts about killing the boar with a knife to the brain and requests his funeral feast to be the biggest ever where everyone gets to taste the boar that got him and everyone stands around awkwardly as if not knowing what to say but knowing they should probably say something while the king is still alive to deal with the whole fucking Joffrey being the next in line but before anyone speaks he orders everyone but Ned out and gets him to write an official decree, with him giving up saying his titles and telling him to fill them in lmao, commanding that.... Ned be the Regent King until Joffrey comes of age... uh oh, guess who's next to taste a tasteless poison, and we see Ned has some very nice hand writing as he offers the paper to the king who urgently struggles to sign it as if he's scared he'll die at any second before getting to put his name on it since he knows his cunt wife will find any excuse not to follow it
and he rests assured that this is at least one thing he did right since even though Ned will hate it more than him he'll do it well, which is kind of true, if you want to be a leader you're probably just a power hungry shithead who'll abuse it to just get more personal power, but if you don't want to be leader your leadership will just be with concern for doing the job right, not serving yourself, kind of like how most admins of forums go insane with power after climbing up the ranks and run the place into the ground within a few months but not me... I've kept rubynet going for longer than Max ever kept ytmnsfw running since I really don't want to be the leader so I rarely ever turn up lmao and my only concern is keeping the place running rather than making sure I'm popular, all my enemies are chased out and all my circlejerk gets what they want or whatever other admins shit up their sites with, also it seems like sometimes the best leadership is to just not do anything at all lmao other than keep the functions of the system running since if you make any decisions one way or another it's probably just one group trying to get you to be bias towards an other, like I remember a meme that's probably complete fake news of some scandinavian country having a government shutdown for 2 years and every metric of the country improved without the government passing any laws and just letting everyone get on with it unimpeded lmao, and then Rob admits Ned was right about Dany, Littlefinger, Varys and his brother are worthless and only he has the sense to tell him "no", and asks him to stop the kill order and try to raise Joffrey to be a better man, and Ned looks down awkward like he knows that little shits already too far gone, but he promises to honor his memory, and Rob just laughs because his reign and even death were a joke and then just asks for something for the pain and to be left to die now, and Ned staggers out to the waiting councilmen and tells them to give him "milk of the poppy" aka some dank ass heroin so he can go peacefully, and the general guy starts blaming himself for letting such a drunk man take on a boar and then sneaky little cunt Varys starts floating... who gave him the wine? as if he doesn't already know, so when the general says it was Incel it makes Ned perk up that he's a Lannister, uh oh, and Varys subtly says oh he hopes the poor lad doesn't blame himself he was only being dutiful knowing what thoughts hes priming Ned for, who limps up to him and orders him to call off the kill order on Dany but he says the birds have already flown
then we see Dany braiding Aquaman's hair as he talks in the gay made up language about how "the stallion who mounts the world has no need for iron chairs" and Dany uses her learnings of their dumb mythology to debate him about how the horse god will ride to the ends of the Earth, which he thinks stop at "the poison sea" since presumably their horses wont drink salt water, but she says she's from those "dirts" beyond the sea, and he corrects her Dothraki and he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore but she wont let it go, ah welcome to married life mate, trying to find the word for throne, so just says throne in "English", and tempts him by saying it's for Kahls to sit on... or Kalesees or whatever their word for Queen is, but he's not too convinced a king needs a chair and kisses her and walks out
and outside in the Dothraki capital there's a bunch of weird, or at least weird coded for western audiences, customs of people playing exotic instruments, doing *gasp* yoga and feeding a parrot and Dany asks Jorah for help getting Aquaman to understand since their family are the rightful rulers, I guess she still wants to do her brothers mission of taking over Westeros, I don't know why, you'd think she'd just be satisfied living as the most privileged Dothraki or if she doesn't want to be a kept woman anymore come up with a plan to flee, I guess maybe Jorah, who we know is working for Varys, could be talking her into keeping the plan going, but he plays it coy and downplays her aspirations and she starts asking him about dragons again, what the fuck is it with this family talking about their dragon blood, what does that even mean, a dragon fucked a human somewhere far back in their family tree? and then he suspiciously tells her to enjoy the market as he goes to see if he has any letters, and then a little brown shota boy whispers to him that The Spider sends his congratulations and hands over his reward... presumably for getting the brother killed... of a royal pardon so he's free to go home now, and he grasps it struggling to decide what to do with it since he figures if he's getting this then his mission is over... and if his mission is over... a certain Mary Sue is as good as dead
and a merchant tries to talk Dany into sampling some wine, but when he realizes she's the queen he tosses it out and gets... the good stuff, as we zoom in on Jorah clocking what's going on and simmers in inner turmoil as his beta orbiting instincts start to kick in, and when this guy comes down with a barrel one of Dany's guards takes it but Jorah nuts up and tells him to put it down and orders the wineseller to open it, and he tries to say it's too good for the likes of him, but Jorah orders him to open it and drink, and he tries to talk his way out of it but Dany orders him and he pours himself and Jorah a glass and starts egging him on to drink first... but Jorah sees how eager he is and offers him first, and the merchant tries the "I don't get high on my own supply" meme but Dany catches on and orders him to go first and he realizes he has to, takes the glass, nods to Dany, puts it to his lips.... AND THROWS IT AT THE GUARD AND LEGS IT BUT THE GUARD WHIPS HIS LEG LIKE SOME SPIDER-MAN SHIT AND PULLS HIM FLAT ON HIS ACE LMAO lel throught he was going to drink it anyway because he knew he couldn't get away and was going to get tortured and/or executed anyway so might as well take ye olde cyanide capsule or something and at least then they might think he was innocent and didn't know and not fubungle the mission any further
then back at The Wall the general guy is welcoming all these criminals and outcasts but also rich men and highborns and tells them that it doesn't matter because on The Wall they're all one House, which reminds me of how in the US army it doesn't matter what race you are everyone gets along, of course unless you're transgender then get the fuck out and of course unless you're rich then you're probably going straight into being an officer lmao so this barren hellish shithole in a medieval world is more woke than the US military, and Jon's still worried about his uncle and Sam jokes that he wishes he could help a cool Ranger like him but a Stewards no use, I guess he's just like a manual labor guy up there and not an actual warrior due to being an obese neckbeard incel, and the general guy comes down and tells them Nights Watchmen give their life for the realm, not a king or a lord or a house or a woman's life, and reminds them that before they say their vows the penalty for desertion is death, and there's some world building shit where he asks if anyone still follows the old gods, and Jon stands up, and he tells him where he can find a special type of tree past The Wall his faith says their vows in front of or something, again more progressive than the US military that'd probably get you bullied for years if you were a muslim, and Sam offers to go with him but when some other general guy asks why he'd go on a pilgrimage from a different faith Sam converts on the spot from the seven gods to the old gods lmao he's that desperate to keep his one friend and they let him do it, yep he's gonna get brutally murdered by some zombie or something, and as the general reads out everyone's appointments now they're swearing in he reads out that JON IS A STEWARD lmao get fucked and one of the asshole leader guys smirks at Jon as if he arranged that because he doesn't like him being some entitled rich twat or has something against the Starks or some such drama and Jon goes in a huff with Sam to the other stewards as this, oh he is blind, blind old guy tells them their boring servant jobs for the day, and he sends one to One-Eyed Joe in the stables which sounds like a euphemism for a dick or something maybe his job is jerking off the horses, and Jon is told the asshole Lord Commander has requested he be his personal servant, and Jon gets uppity and the old man just tells him this is what being a Nights Watchman means, and Jon has a huge tanty to his friends about how unfair it is and his skinny friend tells him he was singing for a Lord WHEN HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY LEG AND WANTED TO SEE MY COCK and when he pushed him away he said he'd have his hands cut off for stealing their silver (guess that's why you shouldn't hack peoples limbs off for crimes or people will just use it to threaten innocents with, *cough* shithole muslim countries *cough*) so now he's ended up there with no one to sing for, no family and never be inside a woman again, so don't whine about fair, and Sam is like I thought you stole cheese, and he says "think I was gonna tell a bunch of strangers that a high lord tried to grab my cock?" and they they both get awkwardly silent and Sam I think actually purposefully tries to get rid of him by asking him to sing a song but in a nice way as if he's trying to console him and the #metoo guy storms off so Sam can tell Jon, who's looking super awkward as if the guy is right and he has relatively little to whine about, that he might be this guys slave, but this guys the big boss in charge, and that lets him in on all the powerful meetings and letters and maybe he can have his job one day, and Jon whines that he always wanted to be a ranger, which I guess is this worlds marines or something little boys are told are the most badass, and Sam says "yeah and I always wanted to be a wizard" lmao wrong fantasy franchise mate
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother asks for a moment... alone... with Ned, who excuses his guards, and as soon as they leave the brother starts telling him he'll give him 300 men to secure Joffrey away from Cersei that night or it'll be too late for both of them, and Ned swallows nervously as he's pretty much the acting King now Rob is incapacitated and soon to be dead and his first issue is his brother basically proposing they do a coup first before Cersei can, and Ned suggests going to Stannis, but the gay bro claims hes no better and not king material, and then he drops the bombshell, that HE is, and Ned instantly knows what this prick is trying to do, and tries to defend Stannis as a good warrior, but the brother points out that evidently doesn't make a good king I assume referring to his own brother, and Ned just says he wont dishoner Rob by spilling blood in the castle and dragging a frightened child from his bed and tries his best to storm off with his limp, then later at his office he's writing an official order for Stannis (and specifies not his wife who maybe we'll find out is a dangerous lady) to be delivered that he stamps with his wolf sigil, wonder if that gets a crown now, and then CIA comes in and Ned tells him what he no doubt already knows that Joffrey and Tommen are actually Jaime's bastards which makes the third brother Stannis next in line and CIA goes "unless..." and this moralfag by the book dumbass Ned says "there is no unless, he's the rightful heir" and CIA tells him it'd be wiser to let Joffrey stay next in line presumably because he's a spoiled twat who'd be far easier to control than some battle hardened expert tactician and Ned is like "do you have no honor?!" and CIA points out how powerful Ned is, being both Kings Hand and Protector of the Realm, he's basically both Interim President and Prime Minister or some shit, and CIA starts dropping mad epic plans for how to keep the peace by getting rid of Stannis and if Joffrey causes problems "we" just drop his little secret and place the gay brother on the throne, who it seems CIA has at least some leverage over knowing he's gay, and Ned winces at "we", and CIA just smirks that Ned's going to be so easy to manipulate he has such a by the book mentality and straight forward motivation and explains he needs help and Ned's like "that's treason" and CIA says "only if we lose" ehehehe what a cheeky cunt, and I'm sure after all this the real endgame is Ned has a little accident after he's served his usefulness and ol CIA is there to comfort Cat, but Ned wont even get onto step 1 of making peace with the Lannisters because they tried to murder his boy as he holds the assassins blade and CIA tries to talk this seemingly more pacifist guy out of it since Stannis means war but Ned insists "there is no other choice... he is the heir" and then reveals that he called CIA there because he needs him to send the City Guard to reinforce his men from the Lannisters soldiers and CIA just smirks and taunts him that he knows what he has to order but it's dishonerable so he can't say it and he starts spinning the assassins blade so the handle faces Ned as if to imply he needs to start being a real gangsta but also so the blade's pointing to him like some sort of demented spin the bottle game and asks "when the queen orders one thing and the hand another... who do the city guard follow? well who pays them" which would be him I assume he's trying to indicate unless he's trying to play spin the bottle with Ned or something
then back at The Wall Jon and Sam and some lads and a dog are going behind The Wall to go on some dumb pilgrimage to a tree because Jon is a stupid theistcuck and the boys look out into the tundra for their first ever trip behind The Wall and when they get to the tree it's got some super fucking creepy face carved into it and blood, maybe put on by them, crying out of its eyes, and Jon and Sam repeat their vows as the other men stand guard and once they finish they tell him "you knelt as boys, but now you rise as men of the nights watch", and this fat idiot Sam cant even stand up on his own hes so tired from the cold lmao, but the other men still respect him and hug him in congratulations for saying the vow, but then his white wolf runs out of the forest carrying.... a human hand, uh oh
then we see Dany and Jorah discussing how their tied up assassin is going to be executed by being lead behind a horse for as long as he can run until he falls and gets dragged to death, yikes, and Jorah warns Dany that Rob's assassins will follow her everywhere as if to steele her determination to wage war on Westeros, and the Aquaman and his men come in and he looks legit concerned for Dany and then realizes the man who caused this is right there and just glares at him as the guy shivers in fear and then goes over and kisses Dany with genuine affection and then he turns on Jorah who tenses up but he thanks him for saving his wife and gifts him any horse he wants and hugs him, and then he pledges to Dany that he'll get their son the Iron uh chair and conquer the seven kingdoms in front of all his men and they all start cheering him on as he rants and raves about killing the men in metal suits and um I WILL RAPE THEIR WOMEN and enslave their children ok nice and Dany just looks at this absolute savage going off his nut about all the warcrimes hes about to commit for her and its like she's proud of herself for inspiring such devotion but also admires how driven he is, very uh very nice and epic feminist character everyone circlejerks over who is literally in love with a serial rapist and doesn't want him to change, me thinks that Jorah didn't actually have a change of heart and the poisoner was set up to fail by Varys because he knows this guy will spill the beans of who sent him and a close-call will enrage Aquaman to attack Westeros but also keep Dany alive for future manipulations as she's going to be the Targaryen that spearheads this war since if it was just dumbass Aquaman it'd just be a chaotic clusterfuck and not a precise plan they can manipulate and maybe Jorah's conflict was if he should just let her actually get poisoned so Varys plan falls apart and the war is less likely to get as bad as it might
then Aquaman leads his huge caravan of men riding horses out of the "city" as the poisoner is marched, stark naked with his cock flopping out, tied to the back of Dany's horse, and he starts to stumble and fall before they even get out the front gate, also PLOT HOLE THIS GUY IS CIRCUMCISED, since I doubt Westeros is as savage as modern day America and idk if thats the actors real dick or maybe a prosthetic or something dumbass American production designers made cut since cut dicks literally look like died up callous plastic dildos lmao ok now I dont feel bad for this guy getting dragged behind a horse he has already lived his life as a pathetic half-man so it's a mercy to kill him and he's already endured having his skin cut off his body before so its no big deal
then back at Kingslanding a messenger approaches Ned and his bodyguards unsheathe their swords halfway and hold him back as they're on high alert for shenanigans but Ned lets him through and he says "Queen Cersei and King Joffrey request your presence in the throne room" and Ned's like... KING Joffrey? uh oh and the messenger tells him "King Robert is gone, the gods give him rest", rip, Rob was a good character, rather than the usual either all cruel or all dopey King trope that the other characters are trying to depose he was his own well fleshed out character by his end and he really came across well in the writing and the acting like a guy who was more at home as a soldier than some old fat drunk loser forced into responsibilities and a marriage he didn't want but at the end of the day he was still an alright guy and never did anything bad, other than slapping his wife I guess but he should probably get a medal for that since it was Cersei, and then Ned meets with the virgin crew CIA and Varys
who tell him the City Watch is his but also that the gay brother has fled the city with 50 men of his own and an exhausted and sweating Ned gives a deep gulp bigging himself up for the most important few minutes of his life and gimps his way into the throne room as the head of the City Watch tell him they stand behind him and some announcer guy starts giving Joffrey's insane spam titles as Ned and his personal Winderfell guards and City Watchmen approaches up to him sitting on the Iron Throne with his mother at his side past an entire throne room full of Palace Guards, City Watchmen, Lannister Soldiers and the general guy standing in front of them as if it could descend into a bloodbath at a seconds notice and Joffrey orders the counsel to get his coronation ready because he wants to be crowned within the fortnight, lmao this little zoomer wants to get crowned while playing fortnite xD
and starts demanding vows of loyalty from the counsel... but Ned brings fourth the general guy and says no one could question his honor and gives him... King Roberts final will... with his unbroken seal... ye olde metadata checks out... and Joffrey looks at his mother like oh shit and she scowls at Ned like she's not even going to bother threatening him since she knows he wont back down, and the general guy reads out the decree much to Joffrey's shock and when Cersei asks to see it... SHE TEARS UP THE DECREE!!!!! and is like "WAS THIS MEANT TO BE YOUR SHIELD? A PIECE OF PAPER?" WITH A BIG SMIRK oh f-f-f-f-fug and the general guy is like b-but those were the kings words and shes like WE HAVE A NEW KING NOW and Joffrey actually grips the armrest of the throne and goes a bit white as he realizes on his first few minutes as king that this shit aint no motherfucking game and he's in the real big boy shit now and Cersei tells Ned she'll offer him some counsil now.... BEND THE KNEE and swear loyalty to her son and they'll let him live out his days
and Joffrey sits there super tense like this is the first serious moment of his life he can barely handle and Ned just start telling the truth that Joffrey has no claim to the throne making him bark LIAR and Cersei just orders the general to arrest him and Ned orders his bodyguards not to harm the general because he's an honerable man and Cersei smirks "you think he stands alone?" and The Hound, wearing some fucking metal fursuit get-up, draws his sword, and Joffrey stands up and shrieks KILL HIM! KILL ALL OF THEM! I COMMAND IT!
and everyone in the room tenses up and Ned orders the commander of the City Watch that just said he was on his side to arrest the queen and her children and Cersei just smirks at him but the commander keeps his word and orders his men to point their spears at the Lannisters forces and Ned tries to reason with them to lay down their swords for a peaceful outcome but... THE CITY WATCH COMMANDER YELLS "NOW" AND HIS MEN SPEAR NED'S GUARDS TO DEATH
AND WHEN NED GOES FOR HIS SWORD.... CIA HOLDS A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT AND QUIPS... I DID WARN YOU NOT TO TRUST ME :^) looks like getting caught wasn't part of his plan :/
awwww fuck, I was wondering if CIA was meaning the City Guard are paid by him and not maybe the Lannisters but I guess they were... and he really is working for them kek, I feel like maybe a better way to play that would have been instead of le ebin twist of the City Watch betraying him in a big violent eruption it just becomes obvious to Ned that there will be bloodshed that he'll be on the losing side of, so instead of losing all these lives for the inevitable he just surrenders peacefully or something like that to show how honerable Ned is, but I guess the betrayal is important because it shows he's TOO honerable and too trusting of CIA, it's not just that he's an idiot and refused to play along with Joffrey to at least walk out of there unmolested to fight another day he legit thought he could arrest them all since he went in there ready for Cersei to not respect the will, and I like how she points out a piece of paper wont protect him, that's a shout out to all the dumbass Americans who think the constitution protects them when in reality laws go out the window the zeptosecond someone gathers more ability to project force than who wants to enforce those laws and in any civilization above hunter gatherers thats going to be who controls the most capital aka the Lanisters aka THE FUCKING JEWS
Game of Thrones 1x08: "The Pointy End" spamming charisma checks special edition
First aired: June 5, 2011
we open on Arya training with wooden swords with her training guy and cut to some LANNISTER SOLDIERS KILLING NED'S BODYGUARDS and we go back to Arya's all very precise and choreographed training as she probably imagines battle being glorious and the trainer tells her the probably useless finer points of how to move her feet in flowery poetic language and then we cut to the the pretty clever juxtaposition of what combat is really like of some guy telling some I guess Stark servants to load up a wagon as they're packing up to leave when LANNISTER SOLDIERS RAM THE OLD MAN THROUGH WITH A SPEAR AND START HACKING AND SLASHING THE SERVANTS TO DEATH
wew laddy and then we see Sansa and the Septa, I guess named because she follows the 7 new gods, walking down a hallway as Sansa complains about Arya and her dancing lessons, I guess they told her that because it's not appropriate for a girl to learn to fight, or Sansa is just so dismissive that's what she assumes it is, but the the nun lady grabs her as she hears the screaming and clang of metal and this lady knows whats up and tells her dead serious to lock herself in her room and she runs off as a door buckles and four Lannister men with bloody swords arrive and she walks towards them calmly, getting ready to die if she has to, to talk to them, and then in Arya's training her tutor lies about which way he's attacking to get the drop on her to try and explain not to listen your enemy, but watch where their eyes telegraph where they'll go, and she gets all huffy that its dishonerable as he gives her some more flowery language about the heart of swordplay, I think I'm gonna enjoy whats coming up next since some Lannister guards storm in tell Arya her father wants to see her and as if proving the trainers point their eyes don't exactly match up with their innocent words and they point out Ned wouldn't send Lannister guards and they just laugh and advance towards Arya who picks up her sword and the trainer steps up to defend her and the guard is like FOREIGN BASTARD lmao red cloaks more like red MAGA hats or was it gold cloaks idk and the trainer twats him in the head with his wooden sword lmao ok I thought he was going to get killed effortlessly but THE GUARDS ATTACK HIM AND HE 1V3S THEM WITH HIS TRAINING SWORD BRUTALLY BLUDGEONING THEM AND FLIPPING THEM ONTO THE GROUND AND THEIR LEADER DRAWS HIS SWORD AND THE TRAINER TELLS ARYA TO RUN AS HE FACES THE LEADER WHO SIMPLY CHOPS HIS WOODEN SWORD APART
uh oh and the trainer asks "what do we say to the god of death?" as Arya demands he come with her but she remembers his lesson of "not today" and flees realizing he knows hes about to give his life as he tries to fight this guy with basically just a wooden stake and as Arya flees down the dark hallways with a flaming torch she hears violent fighting all around her not knowing where to go and then we see Sansa running away but... The Hound casually turns the corner and his eyes light up when he sees her and Sansa starts threatening to tell her father... but she realizes that's whats going on and tries the queen.. and The Hound just smiles "who do you think sent me?" and keeps approaching her, then we see Arya at the slaughtered horse and cart crew and looks for her sword but some fat kid catches her intending to get rewarded from the queen for turning her in (when he said "I want you" I thought he was gonna rape her or some shit, also I get the impression that these two characters are meant to have met before by the way Arya reacts to him but maybe it was just a bad take from quasimodo here, but maybe there's a deleted scene or something) and as the fat kid grabs her ARYA RAMS HER SWORD INTO HIS BELLY oh shit girl and as he collapses Arya flees in shock, good, kill all males who grab at females tbh
then in a dark dungeon Ned is chained up and Varys seemingly in secret since he's disguised as a guard comes to him with something to drink but Ned is apprehensive so he drinks it himself complaining "why does no one ever trust the eunuch?" and then tells him Arya's escaped but Sansa has been captured and kept to marry Joffrey and Ned blames Varys for not doing anything to stop his men being slaughtered and Varys just says straight up he ain't no hero and asks why the fuck he spilled the beans about Joffrey having no claim to the throne, should have gone the hole hog and said his father is his uncle lmao, and Ned says she was hoping she'd save her children, I guess maybe he was gambling she'd not want them to know who their father is and back off of Ned lest he spill those beans, and Varys laments its always the innocents who suffer and blames his mercy for killing the king, idk what that means, maybe Rob would have fought harder to live, if that's even a thing, without Ned being nice to him, or someone had Rob poisoned because they knew Ned would be next in power and is a total push over, and then he just tells him straight up he's gonna die and Ned tries to lie to himself that Cersei cant kill him since Cat has her brother hoping or some prisoner exchange, but Varys says "the wrong brother sadly" yeah not the one she fucks and he says Tyrone skipped through her fingers, did he? I guess last we saw him he was leaving the crazy queens mountain palace but was that him leaving alone to go off on his way? Cat didn't think to keep him? or was she stuck there with her sister? or is Varys just lying to take Ned's hope away? well that's what happens and he tells Varys to just get it over with and slit his throat but Varys refuses and goes to leave and Ned asks him with a smile as if might as well be honest to a dead man who he truly serves and he tells him "the realm, my lord, someone must" so maybe he really is just trying to serve the greater good and only playing defensively against CIAs aspirations... yeah right
then back at The Wall they've found the frozen corpse of Othor and Jafar who's hand the wolf tore off but not Jon's uncle, no fucking idea what the fuck this storyline is and feel I missed something about like someone coming to make Jon come back south from his family but I'm not sure there was, and Sam points out they don't smell bad so maybe only died recently, and the general admits "you may be a coward, Tarly, but you're not stupid" and Sam nods like "hey I'll take it" lmao and he orders for the Maestro to take a look at the bodies, I guess that was ye old coroner or something, and then the general guy is reading a tweet and tells Jon to pour him some ale and some for himself and Jon can tell that means its bad news concerning him but follows his orders anyway and the general tells him the king is dead and that his father has been charged with treason for conspiring with the kings brother to keep the throne from Joffrey and Jon cant believe it until he reads it himself and then immediately marches off and the general reminds him his duties are there but Jon grumbles toughly that his sisters are down there and the general tries to convince him they'll be treated gently but Jon's not so sure
and then down south we see a quite smug Cersei sitting surrounded by CIA, Varys and the real old dude across from Sansa telling her her father is an awful traitor which Sansa refuses to believe thinking her father wouldn't do that... because of her love for Joffrey lel, this Sansa loving Joffrey shit is a bit weird, she comes across as a total airhead with zero judge of character, but maybe she's a bit smarter than that and knows no matter who the king is marrying him is the ticket to the best possible life or so she thinks, and Cersei comforts her that they don't suspect her but cant let her marry Joffrey and the old man starts talking shit about how she might be sweet now but who knows what plans she'll hatch in the future this guy seems like he might be completely cucked by CIA and who knows what his angle here is and Sansa begs to be allowed to be a good queen just like Cersei which makes her recoil as if she's looking at a younger more innocent version of herself that thinks all her problems will be solved if she can just marry a king and CIA actually vouches for Sansa, maybe just having the old man put the pressure on Sansa so she'll fold and do whatever they order of her, and CIA suggest she prove her loyalty as Cersei tells her to write to her mother and eldest brother to convince them to come to Kingslanding to swear allegiance to Joffrey, probably just so she can kill them, or at least CIA wants Cat there so she can put the moves on her, and Sansa tries to ask to see her father but Cersei starts turning the screws saying what'll happen to him depends on her brother... which depends on her...
and then we see Robb receiving Sansa's letter as if this is ye olde text messaging but this is probably several days later and the wise teacher guy saying it's her writing... but the queens words... and Robb gets triggered they'd expect him to kiss their arses and declares he'll be going to Kingslanding... but with all his Bannermen, who I guess are land owners who swore loyalty to the Starks and will get all their serfs to ride for them since they don't have a standing army themselves like it seems the Lannisters do, and he sits beside Theon who looks on approvingly, but asks "you afraid?", and Robb looks at his shaking hand and admits "must be" and Theon tells him "that's a good thing... it means you're not stupid", since he's the only one there that's actually seen combat before and knows it's some bigboy shit
then in the crazy queens palace Cat rushes up getting triggered about her not telling her about the letter updating the recent news which she doesn't think is a big deal since Robb wont be able to do shit against the Lannisters and Cat asks for her backing as her little shit zoomer son starts squawking that hes hungry and trying to get her tit out lmao and her sister sends him to a bath and basically tells Cat she's not going to endanger her son going up against the people who probably already murdered her husband and storms off
then we see Tyrone walking down a woodland path with the badass bodyguard guy, called Bronn, oh ok he is still in Cats custody I guess, and he threatens to leave Tyrone if he keeps whistling but and he calls him out that he's sticking with him because he knows he can get him riches and Bronn admits it but says he wont be bending the knee anytime soon, and Tyrone admits he just wants his proficiency with murder and probably in an effort to charm him rather than be basically asking for extortion he says if he ever feels like selling him out he can always beat any price and as if to assert himself keeps on whistling to subconciously hit home that yeah he works for him now
then they're sleeping around a dead camp fire with some wild animal smouldering over it at dawn when Bronn wakes Tyrion up as he hears some rustling in the woods and takes his sword out but out from the mist comes.... a dozen viking looking motherfuckers, and the manlet realizes he'll have to charm his way out of this one and offers them their goat but their leader says to tell the gods Shagga sent them, lol Shagga nice name, do you shag sheep up in the woods mate, and Tyrion introduces himself as a Lannister, and the leader doesn't give a shit and asks how he wants to die, and Tyrion defuses the situation with humor by saying "in my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girls mouth around my cock" knowing a rough guy like this probably appreciates vulgar humor and the guy starts laughing and Tyrion smiles thinking he's won him over but not in the way he wants, the leader says "take the halfman, he can dance for the children, kill the other one" oh fuck and Bronn takes out a fucking kukri blade ready to go down fighting but Tyrion grabs his swordhand and yells no no no no no no knowing this is his time to shine rather than a man of violence's and starts telling the leader how rich and powerful his House is but he doesn't believe him so Tyrion goes for demonstrating he's a courageous man who tells it like it is and wouldn't make empty promises by mocking them for hiding in the woods hiding from the crazy queens men with their shitty weapons they can only kill sheep with and the leader gets triggered and SLICES THE MANLETS FACE WITH HIS AXE and Tyrion is like ok failed the fucking charisma check on that dialog tree so he tries handing over a jewel encrusted ring and promises to give him... the whole kingdom of Vale, who's Lords want him dead, so he figures its time for some new ones, and the leader looks up like yeah, he's convinced, so going for the angle of having a common enemy after humor and trying to act tough didn't work since this guy's concerned with defeating his enemies more than any charm or bribery, smart moves manlet and pretty good writing for the tv version of going for the dialog option instead of combat in an RPG lol these dudes even look straight outa skyrim
and then back at The Wall Jon is getting bullied in the kitchen by the asshole leader guy for not only being a bastard but a traitors bastard and JON TAKES A KITCHEN KNIFE AND ATTACKS THE GUY LMAO and the other lads have to hold him back and the asshole guy tells him he'll hang for this and the big head honcho tells him he's confined to his quarters, uhhh dude just tried to kill a superior officer lmao shouldnt he be in a cell or something, nice plot armor
and then in his quarters his white dog, ghost, is barking at the door and he follows it into the Commanders quarters only to find them empty and THE GUY THEY THOUGHT WAS DEAD IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR AND HE RAMS JON UP AGAINST THE WALL WHO STARTS STABBING HIM TO NO EFFECT SO HE HEADBUTS HIM, TAKES OUT HIS SWORD AND LOPS OFF ONE OF HIS HANDS BUT THE DUDE KEEPS COMING AT HIM UNTIL JON RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST FELLING HIM and the Commander comes in and is like wtf m8 and Jon goes to see him but THE DEAD DUDE STANDS UP AND CASUALLY TAKES JONS SWORD OUT OF HIS CHEST AND DROPS IT
SO JON GRABS THE COMMANDERS LANTERN AND THROWS IT AT THIS ZOMBIE MOTHERFUCKER SETTING HIM ON FIRE LIKE A MOLOTOV FROM L4D SO THEY CAN ESCAPE wew laddy we The Walking Dead now
then we cut to the Dothraki doing some ISIS shit where they are burning down a village, murdering all the men, tearing down its stone idols and carrying their women away and Dany's guard tells her Aquaman will sell some of them for slaves for gold so they can buy ships, them now believing in gold and ships... because of her, and she looks on at the innocent villagers being beaten and corralled into a goat pen, and she orders them to stop and her guard thinks its their crying that's annoying her and says he'll have their tongues cut out and Jorah tries to warn her off but she persists with her order and the Dothraki argue about it but Jorah comes in and saves a woman and Dany takes some other women too as if she knows she cant save everyone and the Dothraki are getting all huffy about it one goes to whine to Aquaman about her taking his "spoils" he was about to mount and Dany just comes out and says it, in a gay fake language, that yeah, she's taking them so they cant be "mounted", and Aquaman tries to convince her this is just how war works and she suggests if his men want to mount them then take them as wives, probably knowing they'll refuse that offer, and the rapist guy is like "does the horse mount the goat?" as if the women are not worthy to marry them and Dany maddogs him and says "the dragon feeds on the horse and the lamb alike" literally some fucking edgy anime shit a 12 year old would say on xbox live and Aquaman smiles at his wife's big balls as she talks down to the warrior and he laughs saying it's her son making her so fierce, she's going to give birth to a fucking dragon or some shit isn't she? and Aquaman sides with his wife and tells his warrior to go find somewhere else to stick his cock, and the guy gets super triggered and challenges Aquaman to a duel for taking orders from "a foreign whore", and Aquaman stands up, telling him he wont get funeral rights, and just walks into his blade letting it cut his chest, and the dude swings at him but he effortlessly dodges out the way, extremely fast for such a big guy for you, and he goes on this big edgy rant about how his corpse will be exposed to the elements and rot away from bugs and shit and takes out his two knives, drops them on the fucking ground like he doesn't need them, rushes the guy dodging all his swings and SLITS THE DUDES THROAT WITH HIS OWN BLADE AND THEN... TEARS OUT HIS FUCKING TONGUE AND WINDPIPE!!!! that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 16 since I'm pretty sure that's not biologically possible
and he holds it up for all to see what happens to those who question him and then tosses it in a pile of used meat and then Dany realizes its time to keep this dude on her side and rushes him to worry about how "my sun and stars is wounded" and he looks at the gash he actually gave himself on his enemies blade to show what a mad lad he is and says "a scratch... moon of my life" and one of the slaves actually offers to help but one of the warriors doesn't trust her, calls her a witch and gives her the ol five finger discount, oh wait does that refer to shoplifting? ok he slaps her then, but Dany convinces Aquaman to let her treat him since she knows the rudiments of cleaning and sewing a cut unlike these horsefucking retards
then back in Winterell Robb is talking to a Lord, having brought Theon and for some fucking reason his crippled 10 year old brother too, trying to summon his forces and of course he is arguing about it since all TV show scenes have to have some conflict in them as it's the easiest way to build characters and plots and hell its probably realistic there's lots of scummy people out there who really do just argue non-stop with everyone in their lives, and this dude is having a tanty about how he refuses to march behind a rival of his, and Robb realizes this is a moment to nut up, so he threatens to come after him once he's done with the Lannisters for being an oath breaker, and this dude pulls a blade and starts screaming abuse at him but A DIREWOLF JUMPS UP AND TEARS THE DUDES FINGERS OFF lmao and Robb basically says he should kill him for that but lets just pretend he was going to cut his meat for him and this dude kicks his chair away and looks around seeing if his men will back him up but they all respect Robb so the dude just laughs and says "you're meat is bloody tough!" and laughs at his missing pinky and ring finger like a madlad and Robb grins and starts laughing that he's glad this dudes on his side and he wont have to fight him and Bran just looks at this room full of adult men all laughing in hysterics about a dude having a wolf eat his fingers like wtf is wrong with this world, alright I'm gonna call it here these dire wolves are starting to take the piss, the one attacking Jaime makes sense and Bran's one guarding his sickbed makes sense but it's a bit retarded here that a wolf attacks their landlord and none of his fighters do anything about it as he gets mauled in a room full of his best soldiers seems like a wee bit of the ol deus ex machina
then later that night Robb tells Bran he has to leave without him and he has to stay as the oldest Stark in Winterfell, and then a little brother we've never seen before comes out of the shadows and now it's Bran's turn to try to comfort a little brother, but he doesn't believe he'll ever see their parents again and leaves upset, and then the wildling woman who's kept in ankle chains comes across Bran praying to that same sort of white true with red leaves we saw Jon praying to and it turns out she follows the old gods too and they have some banter about her condition and this uncivilised but experienced qtpi murder hobo warns him that the gods wont protect his brother down south since they cut down all the trees there, and this tree also has a face with bleeding eyes carved into it as if it's a natural effect and that's its sap or something, and I guess the Lannisters or someone who supports the 7 new gods wanted to stop worship of the old gods so destroyed all their trees like some ISIS shit, but as they're talking theology someone comes lumbering up out of the forest... but it's just Hodor... completely naked, with his very large cock hanging out brilliant
and covered in flower or something? not sure wtf he's all white, and the wildling thot giggles and comments he must have giants blood in him, and Hodor smiles like a dumbass, and this woman seems to know he's harmless but it'd be a good idea to butter him up by appreciating his manhood so he stays on her side, until Bran tells him to go get dressed and he waddles off, and once he leaves she gets back to gaslighting Bran about how giants are real up North... and worse, and how all the swords should be going North, not South
and back at The Wall they're burning the corpse of the zombie it seems Jon figured out to kill with fire and Sam says "they were touched by White Walkers, that's why they came back, that's why their eyes turned blue, only fire will burn them" which he read in a book in the library, I guess being a nerd comes in handy sometimes, and he says the White Walks sleep in ice for a thousand years and when they wake up.... well he just hopes The Wall is high enough and they all look up this huge big thing that would give Trump a lethal boner
then we see Cat and her pigtail neckbeard arriving at Robb's armys camp and he delivers the news about the Lannisters armies, one for Jaime and one for Tywin, latest movements that their scouts are reporting on, remember that for when armies start teleporting around at random later on in the show, and all the Lords stand up when Cat arrives as if they respect her more than Robb and all clear out as soon as she asks for alone time, and even Theon gets shoved out by the crazy lord guy who promises they'll ram their swords up the Lannisters BUNGHOLES which is a word I only know from Beavis and Butthead lol and then greets the neckbeard guy and comments how he's "not wasting away" lol fatass and then Cat hugs her son and tries to talk him into letting all these warlords go do the fighting without him but he wont budge and he shows her Sansa's letter, and she realizes she's actually the queen now if she's going to marry Joffrey, and she realizes there's no mention of Arya, and Robb starts to bottle it not thinking his 18K forces are enough and considers just bending the knee, but Cat knows he wont be allowed to leave and it'll have to be war because Tywin had the Targaryen children killed in their sleep when the Mad King fell, and Robb just smiles knowing his mother will have to have faith in him winning this war as it's the only choice to save their family
then we see Tyrone walking through a field with his new bodyguard and the hill tribe savages and they arrive at...
the Lannister army's camp, and Tyrone warns him to wait there, but the leader ain't hearing it and threatens to cut his manhood off- and Tyrone finishes the thread "and feed it to the goats, yes" like the guy is an NPC with only so many edgy threats lmao so Tyrone swallows and says "alright then... time to meet my father" as if he's far more scared of him than these savage bandits and a hint at why he's had to become so silver tongued
and this big squad of about three dozen viking guys march through this tent city to Tywins tent and Tywin sounds annoyed that Tyrone isn't dead like he's heard and he introduces him to "Shagga, son of Dolf, chieftain of the Stone Crows, Timmet, son of... Timmet, ruler of the Burned Men, this fair maid is Chella, daughter of Cheyk, leader of the Black Ears" and we see this nasty ass bitch with necklaces of frostbitten ears around her neck and then he turns to his new bodyguard and says "and her we have Bronn, son off..." and he quips "you wouldn't know him" lissss how very genre savvy of you and Tywin looks at him with a wonderfully subtle mischievous glint in his eyes like he can tell this guy has huge balls to make a joke to a man like him and appreciates a fellow man of such rare will and Tyrone starts giving out all of Tywin's titles and sits down for a drink but Tywin takes it away from him and Tyrone tries to lighten the mood by saying "surprised you'd go to war over me" but Tywin isn't one for merriment and starts admonishing him saying Jaime wouldn't have given into capture so easily and they update Tyrone on Jaime heading off to Cats hometown, Ned being imprisoned, Rob being dead and Joffrey being king, and Tyrone bricks it a bit as he realizes "my sister rules you mean" and Tywin just smiles at him like what else bitch, and Tyrone starts to try to arrange for the weapons he promised the hill tribes but a messenger runs in to update them on Robb's army and Tywin instantly hops up trying to contain a smile as he's ready to cause some carnage and issues his battle orders, walks past Bronn as if he figures they'll meet again and then maddogs the hill tribe leaders and offers they fight with him in return for their equipment, and Shagga agrees... on the condition that the halfman fight with them and Tyrone looks like he's about to shit his pants but his dad just looks at him, all 3 feet, and Tyrone knows the sadistic old cunt will allow it lmao
then at Robb's camp the warlords are arguing about which army to take on first but Robb says either way they need to cross a river controlled by Lord Frey who's supposedly a coward who turns up late for wars when suddenly guards come in with a captured Lannister spy and Robb quickly turns over the map they were placing pieces on to plan for the war as if the guards fucked up bringing an enemy into their HQ but the madlad Lord laughs and says "don't worry son, he wont be leaving this tent with his head" and the scout just stares at them like he's ready, which Robb appreciates, and the older men can tell what hes thinking and say he doesn't have to do it himself, but he orders for him to be let go and edgily goes to the scouts ear and says "tell Lord Tywin... WINTER IS COMING FOR HIM" ebin, many upvotes my good sir, these retard guards really should not have brought an enemy spy in their planning tent lmao, and the spy thanks him as they usher him out, and the crazy warlord yells at Robb ARE YOU TOUCHED, BOY? and Robb just maddogs him and dares him to call him boy again and manages to keep it together as this old guy struts out, an easy reading of that is just Robb is just green and isn't used to ordering executions yet and we'll see him get more and more hardcore but maybe he's actually a mater ruseman and he knows those plans were shit and were going to change them from what they were arguing over so is actually fine with that guy returning to Tywin and reporting their old plans so they waste time travelling to the wrong place
then we see Ned asleep in the dungeon, when a guard comes up and kicks him just to keep him awake, probably on orders from one of the many enemies he has there who know what sleep deprivation does to someone, IRL out of all the crazy torture and drug techniques the CIA researched in MK ULTRA the conclusion was if you want someone complaint... just keep them awake for a few days and they'll drift off into a very suggestible state, kind of a let down really, but of course, like all torture, this isn't very good for getting the truth from someone, you actually DON'T want someone to be overly suggestible when interrogating them because they'll just tell you what they think you want to hear and it's hard not to accidentally lead them on, but like pain compliance torture that's the point and has been since medieval times, to force people into giving false confessions, not actually get actionable intelligence, that's why the greatest boom for torture in ye olden times were periods like the witch hunts or the inquisition, forcing people to confess to things that are literally physically impossible, so the torturers can provide their masters with "evidence" and get paid the quickest way without having to actually learn real facts, and it seems to be the same thing with the modern day intelligence agencies lmao, just force some random goat hearded to say oh yeah al quada works in this village so they keep getting funding and the military gets the green light to go bomb some random shithole and everyone's happy, I feel like I've ranted about this before in a thread, anyway fuck america and fuck CIA in real life and in this show
then later we see Sansa walking into the throne room looking super awkward as everyone stares at her as the old ass man swears in all the new staff and Joffrey and Cersei awkwardly smile at Sansa and we see Verys and CIA watching, and CIA is LITERALLY doing the SAME hands on his belt pose from TKDR from the fucking baneposting memes, jesus christ m8
then the honerable gentleman guy steps up to the throne and Cersei tells him to take off his helmet... and relieves him of his duties, but he says the Kingsguard takes an oath until death, and Cersei says "who's death? yours or your kings?" as if she's giving him a choice to take the latter excuse lest she gives him the former and Joffrey mocks him "you let my father die, you're too old to protect anyone!" and Cersei appoints Jaime as the new head of the Kingsguard and he cant believe they'd appoint a Kingslayer to that position and Varys can tell this is going south so tries to assure him he'll have a comfortable retirement but the old dude wont accept and he starts taking his gear off in a huff saying he'll die a knight and CIA mocks "a naked knight apparently" and everyone chuckles but the general dude DRAWS HIS SWORD, AND ALL THE OTHER GUARDS DRAW THEIRS and the ringing metal sound... that doesn't actually happen irl because scabbards aren't made of metal, bounces around the throne room as Cersei just stands there smiling at him like she doesn't give a FUCK if he wants to retire or go down fighting and everyone stares intensely, especially CIA and Varys, as the guy boasts he could 1v5 them... but he tosses his sword down and Joffrey flinches like the lil cracka bitch he is and tells him to add it to the others on the throne and storms out, and Cersei nods to a guy as if to continue with the proceedings and the guy is about to close the meeting but Sansa asks to speak and kneels in front of Joffrey and begs for mercy for Ned, and Joffrey seems to get off on having her prostrate herself before him, his first person begging him as king, and she starts pleading that everyone knew he was the last kings friend and that he's not a power hungry person who must have been tricked, but all Joffrey cares about is Ned saying he wasn't meant to be king, and Sansa tries to excuse it by saying he was taking milk of the poppy, lmao dude I was just high, and Joffrey thinks it over as if she's getting to him... and Varys seems to take her side... but the old ass man barks TREASON IS TREASON! and Sansa pouts with huge eyes like a little girl at Joffrey and gives him one last beg and Joffrey sits back not knowing what to do having had every decision made by his mother so far and Joffrey decrees that he'll show mercy... only if he confesses and admits he's king, and Sansa promises "he will" as we pan down to the all-encompassing blackness of the Iron Throne, that was an alright episode, just a lot of moving characters around and setting up the battlelines for the next two episodes though, a "housekeeping" episode as the producers of Lost used to say where you need to put everything in it's right place neat and tidy like some Marie Kondo shit
Game of Thrones 1x09: "Baelor" don't lose your head special edition
First aired: June 12, 2011
we see a close up of Ned's eye flinching as he sees a torch coming since he's gotten used to the guard coming to kick him away but it's actually Varys who's there to bring him more water to keep him alive since he looks like he's about to fucking die from exhaustion, oh, and he's being kept in the dark which is another good way to fry someones brain they found in MK ULTRA, sensory deprivation, people have stayed awake for like 2 weeks and gone completely mental but after being allowed to sleep they went back to normal and I recall had no long term health affects, sensory deprivation however will melt your fucking brain as it starts misfiring more and more with no data to process until it physically atrophies, so again something else not very safe to do on someone you want information from but good to just turn someone into a gibbering wreck that'll believe and do anything you tell them, anyway Varys talks about how when he was a boy he travelled with a band of entertainers, who before they cut his balls off with a hot knife, taught him how to act, and he claims he's just acting the role of the duplicitous court spymaster and isn't really an evil person and Ned just laughs and asks him to free him but Varys reminds him he's no hero either, then Ned gets tired of the flowery mysterious writing in this show and just demands to know who he really is, no riddles or stories, what does he want, and Varys bends down and tells him "peace" and then tells him about how Robb, who I just realized is probably named after King Rob, is marching South to face the Lannisters, and Varys warns Ned to shut up about Stannis being the rightful heir, which is a weird storyline since we haven't even met him yet, and just play ball with Cersei for the greater good but Ned refuses to serve the woman who probably killed Rob, butchered his men and crippled his son, and Varys loses his temper for the first time and yells at him to call off the war and submit to Joffrey for the sake of the realm but Ned's all like "you think my life is something precious to me?" this niggy ready to die for his principals even if the rest of his life probably would be miserable shit posted on The Wall, and he says some edgy shit like "you were raised by actors, you learned from them well, I was raised by soldiers, I learned how to die a long time ago" I guess he means has seen so many people die and by his own hands he's come to terms that that'll happen to him one way or another or that when you're a soldier you have to learn how to let go of your emotional attachments even to your own life and Varys tries one last gambit and asks "what about your daughters life my lord, is that something precious to you?" and leaves with that to ponder... and possibly a threat if he's not as nice as he claims
then we see a crow flying out of a castle that seems to be apart of some big dam but it gets shot down by Robb who intercepts it's letter that's just a happy birthday note but Theon ponders that maybe that's not all worrying about any encrypted messages and they start squabbling about if they should just force their way across this bridge or pay the toll which is a bit daft you'd think such a vitally important choke point would already be controlled by one of the seven rulers and not some random jackass, and when Cat goes to see him I am pretty sure this is the actor that played the squib janitor in Harry Potter lel and he's surrounded by his quite poor looking family that he argues and grumbles at as he sits on a shitty chair in his shitty dank castle and they do what is becoming it's own trope in this show where Cat asks for privacy and he has to usher everyone out including a young girl who's arse he slaps and then he says to Cat "you see that? fifteen she is, a little flower, and her honey's all mine!" and does that thing old men do where they half grumble half chuckle to themselves and that's aaaaaalmost an edgy from me but fuck it 15's still legal in some part of the world in the modern day kek including some places in Europe and the lord basically tells her he aint doing shit because Robb's 20K men are all going to be 20K corpses when Tywin gets to them but he's also not going to hand them over since he hates all the powerful families for refusing to marry from his family again this is a bit retarded that this guy hasn't been replaced by the Lannisters or the last King if he makes moving armies across the land such a ballache fucking dumb plot sorry
then at The Wall the big wig commander is giving Jon a fancy 500 year old sword with a wolf at its hilt as a reward for saving him from that zombie, it was meant for his son but he dishonered his family and fled Westeros, wonder if that's Jorah he's talking about, and he says he's ordered the asshole commander guy to deliver that severed arm to Joffrey to get his attention that the White Walkers are really back (not sure how he could tell the difference between that and just a regular frozen dead persons hand but ok) and it puts some distance between Jon and him, bit convenient that Jon didn't get like immediately hung for swinging a fucking knife at a commanding officer for insulting his father but also happened to save the bigwings life nice plot armor Jon, then outside the men are congratulating him on his reward and Jon pretends to smile but as he's leaving his face drops as he's just playing along and is really miserable about whats happening to his family and when he enters the mess hall the lads all demand to see it and when he draws it for him they grab it and run around playing with it like retarded kids and Jon just lets them and sits down next to a depressed Sam who tells him he saw a raven message about Robb setting off for war and Jon gets even more fidgety to leave, I would usually be suspicious of Sam telling him that as if he's winding him up but I think he's just a fat incel retard lol
then back at Robb's army camp Cat returns and says the lord has agreed to let them through and add his own men to his army... as long as he takes on his son as his personal squire... uh oh, is this dude going to be super inbred and learning disabled or some shit, and Robb just agrees without thinking but she also agreed... that Arya would marry his son Waldron when they come of age, that's gonna be a big yikes from me dawg, but I'm sure they'll find some excuse when they get to it... oh and a third demand, that Robb marry one of his daughters, and Robb knows he'll have to but cant help but ask "did you get a look at his daughters?" hoping they're at least hot as Theon sniggers to himself like a twat and Cat awkwardly says "one was..." and Robb looks worried but just gives in and says "I consent" willing to do whatever awkward shit to get the mission done thinking that's how you be a brave king but this is easy shit compared to what's coming I'm sure
then back at The Wall the old blind man has Jon help him feed the crows and lectures him about how Night Watchmen don't take wives or have kids so they can be bound to their duty, and he asks what his father would do if he had to choose between his duty and his family, and Jon says without hesitating what was right, no matter what, and the blind man says then he's 1 in 10,000, most of us are not so strong, and the messed up thing is he's not just blustering, Ned really is ready to lose everything to do the right thing, and the blind man starts trying to drive home the temptations of a loving family and Jon can tell what hes trying to do because he knows about his family drama and this blind guy opens his eyes and tries to look into Jon's to talk him out of deserting but Jon's not hearing it, so the old man says the gods were kind when they tested his loyalty because he was an old blind frail man already when he got a raven about his family's deaths but what really set him off was the little kiddies got murdered too (here's a fucking idea, don't let these guys get ravens from their homes about all the tragedy and family life temping them to flee this barren hellscape or maybe just let them leave once a year or something on leave so they don't go totally nutso) and Ned asks him who he is, as if getting your family murdered narrows it down by much in this world, and this old blind guy admits... that he's Aemon Targaryen, and he turned down the throne that went to his nephew, the Mad King, oh shit, and he tells him with his sightless eyes quivering that he must make the choice for himself, he wont tell him what to do, but he has to live with it for the rest of his life, like he has, Jon should just kidnap this guy and ride back to Kingslanding and make him be king lmao since technically I think he'd have a higher up claim to the throne that Joffrey but I guess what Cersei said who gives a fuck about technicalities on paper all that matters is who's paying the military which is some realism if I ever heard one, see: every shithole third world country that has a coup every two days
then with the Dothraki Aquaman's passed out on his horse and collapses by the road, and one cheeky cunt says he cant be Kahl if he cant ride, hmmmm me thinks that """"helpful"""" woman might have avenged her people while treating him after she saw no one could ever beat him in head on combat, and Dany tries to order them to camp there but the second in command guy refuses so she demands to see the witch lady or else she'll tell on him to Aquaman
then at Tywins army's camp he is getting updated on Robb's armies status by his generals when Tyrone waddles up doing a good job of pretending to do a bad job of pretending to be nonchalant as if he tries to seem like a harmless goofball in front of his father as the best method to avoid his wrath but it doesn't always work as Tywin tells him him and his wildlings will be... on the frontlines and he tries to hide a smirk as he sees his son squirming in fear, and Tyrone starts trying to explain last night the savages got into a fight that ended with Shagga trying to cut off a dead mans cock lmao what is it with this show and mutilating penises? ah yes americans I forgot and Tywin places the blame on him for "his men" not having discipline and Tyrone just snaps "surely there's quicker ways to have me killed" but Tywin just smirks to himself and says that's the end of the conversation and Tyrone storms off knowing he cant win and when he returns to his tent his new bodyguard has a woman there that he "took from a ginger cunt three tents down" and gives him a cheeky smirk like he fucked the guy up but Tyrone tells him why he'll be dead soon so it doesn't matter and this guy who you'd expect to try to shake him down for money just says "oh well" and then goes to find his own woman since he brought her here to cheer up Tyrone awww what a good mate and then he talks to this whore about how... his mother died giving birth to him, which is probably the real reason his father resents him, not because of his dwarfism, maybe dwarfism causes pregnancy complications, you wouldn't think so since they're, you know, smaller, but maybe their head is super big comparatively or something, and he asks what this woman's accent is, and she just says "foreign" as if to imply she just puts on a fake exotic accent to entice customers, and he asks her not to fuck any other men while they're together in return for safety and shekels which is a bit sad that he thinks this is the only way he can keep a woman by literally paying for it and the woman shows she agrees by dropping her robe and whipping her tits out and straddling him and kissing him of course at the end of the scene so they can easily edit it out, I'd find all this "suspiciously healthy looking for a medieval serf and suspiciously sexy by modern beauty standards woman... gets her tits out to have le sex!!!" cheap titillation shit but they juuuuust get away with it that they're always whores so it kind of adds to the sordid miserable texture of the world where live is cheap but I'm sure most of the audiences misses that reading and just thinks LOL TITS LMAO!!!!
then back with the Dothraki Aquaman is laying in a sweaty fugue state mumbling in a tent, you'd think after long enough of living by retarded ass Black Panther leadership by combat culture every leader would die from infections from slashing their mates rolling around in the dirt and you'd think at one point someone would get an IQ over 60 and not do that anymore but I guess not, although maybe there'll be a dank twist where it turns out the guys blade was poisoned and he was bribed by Varys or something, and Dany cries about how strong he is but Jorah takes out a knife... and uses it to take his bandage off and sees a huge infection coming from the gash in his chest and says he'll die tonight and suggests they flee since they don't honor bloodlines here they just fight for command and the next big dog will just kill her baby so there's no rivals but Dany refuses to leave like the dumb thot she is and then the second in command brings the "witch" in who he thinks did this to Aquaman, and yeah I agree, I get an infection can get bad quick but you'd think he wouldn't be so fucking retarded to cut himself if people died so easily out there from that or self harming to prove how cool he is would have gotten him killed a lot sooner, and the edgy guy threatens Dany for letting the witch do this, and she tries to be edgy back by ranting about dragons, but he doesn't give a fuck and leaves, and Dany suggests Jorah wear his armor, and for some reason Dany trusts this witch and begs her to save Aquaman and she suggests a spell... that you have to pay with a death, and she glances at her belly as if that's her first thought, but then requests his horse, who's fucking smarter than Dany because it can tell he's about to die and should get the fuck out of there, but the men reign him in and this edgy witch gets everyone to leave, with Dany insisting she stay because she seems to genuinely love Aquaman now, but when the edgy witch SLITS THE HORSES THROAT SO HE BLEEDS ALL OVER HIS MASTER, she's like nope.jpg and wanders out
and all the Dothraki are glaring at her for allowing blood magic and dishonering their brony centred culture like that, and the edgy warrior guy elbows a guy trying to stop him, shoves Dany out the way and runs into the tent to kill the witch but Jorah draws his sword to defend m'lady and the edgy warrior CHARGES AT JORAH WHO BLOCKS HIS CURVED BLADE BUT THE WARRIOR SLICES AT HIS CHEEK AND DIVES AT JORAH KNOCKING HIM DOWN BUT HE GETS BACK UP
wew, I love these short little brutal fights that end in some good gore, reminds me of this pretty obscure heh if I do say so myself show called Banshee that's set in the modern day and has people getting their brains smashed in with dumbbells every episode, and I like the detail of Jorah kills him in the way he warned about, because he was wearing plate armor, which the warrior had never faced before, so had no idea how to deal with someone who could just grapple his blade, adapt or die you sand savage, and then apparently getting tossed to the ground made Dany go into labor so they bring her into the witches tent so she can deliver the baby but there's this ungodly fucking growling sound coming from inside and Jorah just carries her in doesn't seem like a good idea but ok
then back with the manlet he is playing some game with the whore where they hold a burning candle between their forearms to see who can endure it the longest or something edgy I guess this was before Fortnite existed so this is what people did for fun back then and when Tyrone is first to break we see it's the bodyguard guy who put them up to it and they both laugh at him lmao and it's a drinking game where the loser has to drink, never understood that since isn't that what you want to happen, normies are weird, and the cag jokes about how she's not immune to pain just used to it with a giggle, well that's depressing, and Tyrone demands a new game he's good at where he basically invents a version of Never Have I Ever where if he can guess something from their past they drink but if he's wrong he has to drink, but the whore is uncomfortable with that, so he challenges Bronn first, and he guesses "your father beat you" and Bronn drinks and adds "but my mother hit harder", pretty easy guess in this world where it's probably weird to NOT hit your kids, next guess is "you killed your first man before you were 12" and Bronn shakes his head and says "it was a woman" and Tyrone takes a drink pissed that he got it wrong on a technicality and the whore looks at him like uhhhhhh but he explains "she swung an axe at me!" lmao and the next guess is "you've been north of the Wall" - a drink - and the cag asks why - he says work - next guess is he once loved a woman but it ended badly so he never let himself love again... but Tyrone realizes "oh wait that's me" and drinks lmao I think this is his sad way of trying to open up about his feelings, then he turns on the cag but she refuses to play, and Tyrone starts "your mother was a whore" but she makes him drink, he tries again "your father left the family very young never to return" and very very shockingly she tells him to drink, probably a technicality there where she never had a father, and Tyrone gets desperate, squinting at her as if trying to tell if his lie detection skills are being too muddled by the drink, and says "you wish you had another life" but Bronn points out "whole shit stained world could drink off that one" and Tyrone tries harder guesses she used to be a Silent Sister, I guess some sort of nun, but she demands he drink, and she leans forward and says "and don't talk about my mother or father again, or I will carve your eyes from your head" like she's just copying the edgy way men talk to each other in this world, and Bronn smiles at how edgy she is, then its her turn and she just asks him who he was in love with not caring how the game is played since she's pretty sharp and knows how to get them moving on from talking about her and get the manlet to open up to her for further manipulation/make him feel connected to her and Bronn spills the goss that Tyrone used to be married and they manage to nag him into telling the story, with Bronn literally perking up on his elbows and then flopping down on a pillow as if he's an excited highschool girl at a sleep over
this is quite the weird scene to be having between a man and his whore... and his male friend... I guess Bronn loves some good tea in the black twitter slang way as much as real tea, and Tyrone tells the story that he met her when he was 16 when Jaime saved her from being raped when he was still nervous around girls because of his height, as all manlets should be, but he somehow ended up in bed with her and they got married on a whim... until his father was informed, then it turned out Jaime arranged the whole thing and paid a whore to pretend to be a damsel in distress so he could get his big little brother laid lmao, that's pretty fucked up but I guess really nice by Jaime's standards, but Tywin... BROUGHT IN MY WIFE AND GAVE HER TO HIS GUARDS, HE PAID HER WELL, A SILVER FOR EACH MAN, HE BROUGHT ME INTO THE BARRACKS AND MADE ME WATCHOK, THAT'S A BIG OL EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 17 FROM ME DAWG LITERALLY FORCING YOUR OWN SON TO GET GANG-CUCKED, WEW LADDY, I guess this is Tywins fucked up way of trying to toughen his most useless son up so he doesn't fall for sappy ruses anymore and learns the real nature of The Eternal Roastie, and Bronn said he would have killed him and the whore says he should have known she was a whore, and Tyrone excuses that he was only 16, drunk and in love, and the cag points out an actually quite fucking common trope in fiction "a girl who was almost raped doesn't invite another man into her bed two hours later" as if she knows all too well and then climbs ontop of Tyrone for another go and Bronn just leaves awkwardly lmao holy fuck no wonder he thinks he can only pay for female company and no wonder Jaime only wants to fuck his sister, although I guess if they had different mothers maybe Jaime's older than Tyrone and he wasn't the younger boy I was picturing in that story, wait I'm retarded midgo would be younger either way nvm, still nice and edgy detail that was defiantly a backstory put in only for character depth and not at all the demented wank fantasy of a repessed old obese man
then the next morning Bronn awakens Tyrone with a hemlet to the chest and says he's sleeping the war away and he asks the cag to cry for him if he dies but she just says "you'll be dead, how will you know?" like there's no reason to pretend anymore after that and he leaves his tent wearing his little child's armor and little short sword that's a full sword for him and almost gets trampled horses oh jesus and Bronn tells him to just stay low and he wont be noticed if he's lucky and he quips "I was born lucky" as in born low to the ground lmao and he walks to the savage allies hes made and summons the Stone Crows, Burned Men, Black Ears, Moon Brothers and Painted Dogs to rally behind him and Shagga clangs his two battle axes he specifically requested and they all start chanting their support for the HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! and Tyrion smirks as he's got enough gangsters riding with him to actually survive
and when he comes too later we get a creepy dream-like upside down slow-mo washed out shot of a battlefield full of fallen soldiers with Lannister bannermen riding through as Tyrion is being literally carted through the carnage on the back of a cart and Bronn looks down and lets him know "you're a shit warrior"
as they arrive at the outskirts of the battlefield and we see a huge array of dead bodies and Tywin's forces going about killing the few injured survivors and I think I hear a Wilhelm scream in there, well, that was a good gag, but I'm going to guess they went with it to avoid the massive budget it must take to show a battle of that scale on-screen, and we see Tyrone ask about their tribesmen, and he looks over at the Black Ear lady cutting a screaming victims ear off as men from two different tribes beat a man to death lmao and he quips "good to see they're getting along" and Tywin rides up wearing some almost samurai style helmet and tells him their scouts were wrong, there were 2000 Stark bannermen not 20, perhaps Robb did do that ruse to them by letting the scout go, maybe that's why he asked how many men he counted knowing he hadn't counted their full forces, but they all got rekt anyway, but they haven't captured Robb who's still with his remaining 18K men, and Tywin just rides off as if he doesn't even care to explain further to his useless manlet cuck son
then we see Cat and her pigtailed neckbeard confidant crying tears of joy when she sees Robb arriving on horseback... having captured Jaime! who Cat demands her family back from but he just jokes he misplaced them too and Theon goads them to kill him for taking out 10 of their men in front of them but Robb knows he's more useful alive and as they're about to take him away to chain him up Jaime offers to end the war right now and saves thousands of lives if Robb will duel him "swords or lances, teeth or nails" but Robb says he knows, even in his beaten and bloody state, Jaime would win so turns him down and Jaime just smirks at him like yeah he might be his hostage but at least he still knows he could kick his ass, and Robb mourns the 2000 men they lost I guess to Tywin's army as they sent the majority of their forces after Jaime's army, and he gives this big speech about how "this war is far from over", not exactly inspiring gotta work on that kid
then back in Kingslanding Arya is still wandering the streets and she catches a pigeon and snaps its neck for food but then she spies a pie and begs the seller for one but he tells her to piss off so she offers him the dead pigeon lmao but no sale and she considers just stealing them... but then some kids run past telling her they're bringing the Hand of the King out... and she follows the crowd to the centre of the city and climbs and statue to be able to see... a stage... and a pale and exhausted Ned Stark gets brought out... and he looks out over the cheering crowd to see Arya, but still has enough wits around him not to react, and the crowd screams abuse at him, and he yells to the one loyal man left to him and motions to Arya hoping he'll look after her, and he's brought in front of Joffrey and Cersei and an upset Sansa and a super smug CIA and he starts introducing himself and... he looks at Sansa who nods that this is the right decision... and he starts to confess to treason, and admits to plotting to murder Joffrey, and the crowd screams abuse at him and someone throws a rock at his head lmao, I suppose maybe Varys convinced him to do this thinking it was his best chance to survive and didn't want CIA to get the satisfaction of having him killed and him being kept alive would fubungle his plans, and Arya grips her sword as if she wants to rush to save him, but Ned keeps cucking and declares that Joffrey is actually the rightful king, and Joffrey looks super pleased as if that's all he wants to hear and looks at his mother who gives him a pity smirk as if letting him think one mans deceleration actually matters, and Ned tries to hold back tears as he sells out for his family's sake, and the old ass guy with chains around him asks the King if he'll give justice or mercy
and Joffrey announces to the baying crowd that his mother suggests posting him on The Wall, and "m'lady" Sansa has begged for mercy.... and Sansa smiles as if she's done her duty as a daughter and her prince will make everything alright and Joffrey thinks about it as if he's checking to make sure this is the right decision and goes with.... yeah fuck it lmao and announces BUT THEY HAVE THE SOFT HEARTS OF WOMEN *TIPS FEDORA* SO LONG AS I AM YOUR KING... TREASON WILL NEVER GO UNPUNISHED! BRING ME HIS HEAD!!!!LMAO THE LITTLE CUNT!!!! AND CERSEI DOES THE 300 MEME AND SAYS "THIS IS MADNESS!" NO! THIS!! IS!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 18 http://rubycalaber.com/img/GoT/177.jpg
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD AND SANSA SCREAMS FOR SOMEONE TO STOP HIM FINALLY REALIZING WHAT A PRICK JOFFREY IS AND VARYS RUSHES UP TO TRY TO TALK TO HIM BUT CIA JUST SMIRKS AT HIM LIKE "WAS GETTING EXECUTED PART OF YOUR PLAN?" AND ARYA RUSHES THE STAGE BUT THEIR ONE REMAINING FRIEND GRABS HER AND THE EXECUTIONER WHO EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE ALREADY PUTS ON HIS HOOD, DRAWS A HUGE BROADSWORD AS SANSA SCREAMS IN TERROR FOR HIM TO STOP...
and the world goes quiet for Ned as he sees the crowd screaming abuse at him but he doesn't care at all... he's just looking over to try and look at Arya one last time... but cant see her... and just hopes that his ally has gotten her out of there... so he just puts his head down not wanting to make it any worse by giving her an excuse to rush up there... and in front of a dodgy greenscreen that looks fuzzy around his hair ruining the shot lmao... THE EXECUTIONER BEHEADS NED STARK!!!!!
with only really that frame showing any gore for like a 15th of a second and Arya is now looking at the world in complete silence as all she can see through the crowd is pigeons flying away... heh that will teach you for killing our friend you little cunt
welp I guess that's why an edgy 13 year old shouldn't be King, anyway just like the golden crown kill I got spoiled on this years ago and in my head I thought it would be more of a gradual build up with Need having meetings with all of the cast members and there being building political tensions where they threaten to kill him if Robb doesn't bend the knee and Ned gets a chance to cuck out in front of the crowd but refuses and then dies for his principals by decree of Cersei to really drive home that this isn't a world for sticking to your morals, where here he dies after giving them up for the sake of his family on a whim from the incel King, this way it seems sort of rushed for the shock of Joffrey's decision, even though it's kind of telegraphed Ned's story is over as he points out he doesn't care to have a life banished to The Wall, but I gotta admit I am enjoying this quasi-realism "this shit has consequences" angle they're going for, which I mean is a futile effort at the end of the day since all stories have to be made up entirely of patterns the audience recognizes on at least some level or you've ended up with simply bad art (and honestly you can have so much realism people don't believe it, e.g. bizarre things happen in real life that you hear about all the time because of their rare nature but if you put it in a story people would reject it because the chances of it happening are so low it would seem like contrived storytelling, like in real life almost every high profile serial killer only got that many kills because of incompetent police overlooking them and then only get caught because they were arrested for some other crime, but if that happened in a movie you'd say oh yeah how likely is it the cops are so dogshit at their job they actually hand the victim back to the killer after he escaped what lazy writing to keep the story going and oh what a coincidence another victim happens to go to the police only about the handcuff left on him by the killer and they happen to not have the key to open it and he happens to decide to take them back to the killers house and the cops happened to barge in without a warrant and the killer happened to have a severed head in the fridge they smelled clearly that would never happen the writer just cant find a way to conclude this section of the story, but that's literally Jeffrey Dahmers life lmao) never mind in this sort of story with 1) fucking zombies and dragons and shit and 2) set in a medieval time period and everyone has perfect teeth and speaks modern day english and shit, and they give it a good job with like the king dying from just a boar attack and Aquaman possibly dying just from a little cut, but if you want actual realism just go read true crime or something or literally play dungeons and dragons where due to a bad dice roll the hero really can just stumble and fall off a cliff and die, but just for the sake of mixing it up a bit from usual American TV where there's always some deus ex machina to keep the good guy around but it's also not just the usual grimdark GOTCHA! BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT CHARACTER DYING AT RANDOM! shit writing you get from people like Joss Whedon at his worst trying to be """"gritty and realistic"""" this actual makes logical sense that this characters actions would lead to this result for him and yeah if this was real life there'd be no getting out of it and he'd just die without his daughter using his ninja skills to rescue him or some shit its just the end for him and it's only shocking because of it's, well, starkness, compared to most tv shows where the shock is coming from oh the hero got through another narrow escape using his wits and intuition against the odds for the billionth time or oh look some completely nonsensical random thing happened that you had to contrive the logic around to allow to take place ebin so uh yeah good this sets the stakes that this universe is basically set on hard mode and every decision a character makes actually matters because them just being our protagonists is not going to keep them safe however it does leave the narrative in the odd place of our two characters closest to protagonists, Jon and Dany, are physically quarantined at the opposite ends of the world from the main plot in Westeros for seemingly seasons and seasons to come, like I'm pretty sure it takes Dany until fucking season 6 to get the fucking boats already to cross the sea, oh well those two are boring Gary and Mary Stus anyway thankfully we have my waifu Cersei to keep me entertained
Game of Thrones 1x10: "Fire and Blood" RIP george bush special edition
First aired: June 19, 2011
we open with a nicely done but edgy close up shot of the executioners sword panning down with a guard walking by in the background and the baying crowd when we reach the bottom dripping with Ned's blood and in a great detail they have clumps of his hair stuck to it with blood dripping off the strands
and out of focus we see the executioner raise Ned's head to the screaming crowd as we pan down to see Arya being called boy over and over again by whoever this guy is idk if we're meant to recognize him since there are like 200 fucking characters in this show and Arya sees her fathers body being dragged off the stage and Sansa fainting lmao and this asshole starts slicing Arya's hair off to disguise her and keeps calling her boy despite her insisting she's not, I guess the implication being he knows but he's going to disguise her as a boy since she's so ugly lmao and is forcing her to play the role right off the bat with no questions like some reverse crossdressing fetish, I'm sure this will end well and wont have anything edgy about it like a gay pedo trying to see her cock or something
then Bran has another one of his dreams about chasing the three-eyed crow and it transitions smoothly to him getting the wildling slave woman to carry him to where he saw it in his dream on her shoulders irl because Hodor is too scared to go in the crypt and even she is as if she can feel there's some bad jewjew down there and Bran gives her a history lesson about how the Mad King kidnapped Lyanna and Rob fought a war to save her but she died anyway hmmmmm I'm sure that will come in important and then suddenly from out of the darkness there's A MONSTER GROWLS AT THEM AND THEY BRICK IT AND FALL OVER but it was just Rickon's wolf lol trolled and the wildling lady yells at him for not having the dog in the kennels but he, ironically, says to her that he doesn't like chains owned thot, and it turns out Rickon had the same dream of their father being down in the crypt, and the wildling woman tries to explain it away that they're both just worried about him... but they meet his old teacher... and we get a good shot of them from above peaking out of a window looking down onto the courtyard as if it's from the POV of someone spying on them as if there's always someone eavesdropping on the powerful families as the teacher presumably gives them the news, I assume that a lot of this show is simply skipping over the like day that it would take a crow to deliver messages across this vast land lmao, its really weird as someone born in 1990 to imagine a world without instant communication, like for most of human history people had no fucking idea what was happening even in the next village over unless someone physically rode a horse over and told you, which probably explains why social media completely fucks normies in the head since they're not evolved to handle that many social cues and that much information
and then we see Cat at some old castle their forces are staying at and they all bow to her and say M'Lady as the news of Ned getting rekt has gotten to them and she walks calmly into the forest before she breaks down crying but then she hears how men deal with their emotions which is Robb hacking at a tree with his sword as hard as he can in a fit of rage ruining the blade lmao and his mother comforts him as he promises to kill em all but Cat is thinking straight and says they need to get his sisters back first, good acting from him tbh
then back at the Kingslanding throne room there's a bard singing a comical song to the court about King Robs death that includes the line "I'll have your ugly head, you're nowhere near as murderous.... as the lion in my bed" in reference to Cersei's family sigil lmao and she turns the resting bitch face, which it seems at times that Lena Headey was cast specifically for since she always seems like she's just had a pomeranian shit on her lap or something, up to 10
as she looks at this guy whos getting more and more nervous as if he realized this song mighta just been a bad idea and she's thinking she could have him killed with one word as the song finishes "the lion ripped his balls off and..... the boar did all the rest!" and the court is just super awkward standing there in silence like yeah we shouldn't laugh at that... but Joffrey starts clapping and it turns out that the bard, who I'm not sure if this was the previous bard we saw and he actually survived that arrow because it seemed to hit his instrument first, was caught singing that in a tavern... and Joffrey asks which he favors his fingers or his tongue and the man thinks about it and Joffrey threatens to just cut his throat and the bard, maybe trying to use reverse psychology on him and hopefully not getting too smart for his own good or worse getting caught says every man needs his hands your grace, and Joffrey just says "tongue it is" and the man starts begging as the guards grab him and Ser Illin who I guess is the executioner takes out a huge knife and pliers and starts heating them over an open fire with a blank look on his face as if he just completely zones out when doing shit like this it's such a common occurrence to him and the bard begs and cries for mercy but Joffrey is already bored and leaves the rest of the matters to his mother and walks off to talk to Sansa who cant keep her eyes off the bard in the background's pleading being muffled as his mouth is held open and his tongue is grabbed and we don't get a close-up only in the blurred background just like Ned's execution as if this brutality is already becoming a part of daily life that no one focuses on that much under Joffrey's reign of like one day so its fairly artfully done but this is still gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 19 from me
and Joffrey tells her to walk with him and walks off but she doesn't leave until The Hound orders her to and Joffrey starts talking about how when she gets her blood he'll put a son in her "mother says that wont be long" as if he's not actually hit puberty yet and not too fussed about sex other than what his mother tells him he has to do and then Sansa realizes he's taking her to see THE SEVERED HEADS OF ALL THE STARK PARTY THEY'VE KILLED
BUT SANSA REFUSES TO LOOK AND JOFFREY SCREAMS "LOOK AT HIM!" AND SHE SLOWLY LOOKS UP TO SEE... NED STARKS ROTTING HEAD, YEP, THATS ANOTHER ONEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 20
and Sansa instantly shuts down some emotionally and just stares at it and asks how long she has to look at it, and Joffrey looks surprised like he doesn't know what to do when someone isn't scared of him, so he snarls "as long as it pleases me" and starts to get flustered that she's just standing there unresponsively so he tries to up rub it in by showing her her Septas severed head... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 21 I liked her final scene where she just walks up to the guards calmly like she's always known when "they" come for her she wont be able to fight and can only try to talk to them and has been ready for years oh and here's a dank meme... that head on the left? THAT'S GEORGE W BUSHES SEVERED HEAD LMAOEDGY, I LIKE IT, BUT VERY IRONICALLY BECAUSE THREATENING TO KILL PRESIDENTS IS NOT COOL OK COUNT: 22 since they just got a box full of prosthetic severed heads re-used from others movies and one of them happened to be bush and no one noticed until some dipshit pointed it out on the bluray commentery and FOX news had kittens over it saying the hollywood liberals wanted to assassinate the ex-president lis, wonder if Kathy Griffin's severed prosthetic Trump head will resurface in some show in a few years time sulis
and then when he gets no reaction again Joffrey tells her once he wins the war he'll bring her Robb's head too and Sansa just says "or maybe he'll give me yours" and then looks at him cold eyed like she just took a crash course in being a hardcunt
and there's a great take from the actor for Joffrey where he literally like stumbles in place as he recoils back for a second and then threatens "my mother tells me a king should never strike his lady" so he just says "Ser Merin?" and HIS GUARD SLAPS HER FOR HIM LMAO
and she looks at him pretending to be upset and defeated... but she looks down off the walkway onto the ramparts they're standing off... and its a big way down, and she walks up to Joffrey as if she's about to shove him off holy fuck but The Hound stops her I guess since it's his job but also he knows she'll just end up dead too so stops her but under the guise of cleaning her bloody lip, and Joffrey asks if she'll obey now and she just acts submissive and he storms off and The Hound suggests that she just play it smart and give him what he wants and leaves her with his cloth as she'll "need that again" and Sansa gives one last look up to her fathers severed head as if refuelling her determination, this is a pretty dank scene where a very annoying boy crazy thot to with one opening of her eyes deciding to become a real nigga rather a punk as they say in american prisons
and back with Robb's forces one of his old adviser guys is arguing that now their guy on the throne doesn't have his head anymore they need to rally behind Renly, the gay brother, and back his claim to the throne, I guess word has gotten out that Ned claimed Joffrey didn't have a real claim to the throne, if only he'd just said "your dads your uncle mate!" as the sword was being swung and this would be easier, but I guess Sansa would be getting beheaded next so he kept it zip, but Robb says the next in line would actually be Stannis and the crowd starts arguing about which one of the two to back, with one of them crying "Renly ain't right!" lol homophobia, and the crazy warlord guy who reminds me of Billy Conolly in his accent stands up and spits at the name of those two kings and starts giving it laldy like a true Scottsman and starts ranting that neither of them should rule over his people from some flowery city in the south and jokes that even their gods are wrong since I guess the 7 are a southern religion they tried to force on the people up North and everyone seems to be agreeing with him that they should rule themselves and this guy dramatically takes his sword out and points it to Robb and declares him the only king he'll bend his knee to and Robb looks almost sad that now he has such responsibility as another lord stands up and fuck the iron throne and declares loyalty to him and Theon simply asks if he'll always be his brother and when Robb says always he swears his sword to him and they all start chanting THA KING A THA NORF some very Scottish history themes going on here and Robb looks at his mother sadly but bravely like he knows he has no choice
then we see Cat demanding from some guards that she be allowed to see Jaime and they take her through some makeshift wooden cells of Lannister POWs to find Jaime tied to a stake and does the "leave us" meme and Jaime starts taunting her that she must have come because she's a lonely widow now and he offers to slip her out of her gown to see if he's up to it and CAT JUST PICKS UP A ROCK AND SMASHES HIM IN THE FACE LMAO and Jaime, proving to be even more a man after my own heart, just growls "oh I do like a violent woman" yeah like your sister lmao this dude fucking rules and Cat threatens to send his head to his sister and Jaime just taunts her to go ahead and do it and Cat claims he's bluffing and scared the gods will send him to hell and Jaime's like "what gods are those? the trees your husband prayed to? where were the trees when his head was getting cut off? if your gods are real and if they are just... why is the world so full of injustice?" lmao *TIPS FEDORA* he's a frokin ebin atheist too I love it but Cat fires back "because of men like you" pretty shit gods then you dumb pagan and Jaime professes "there are no men like me... only me" and Cat decides fuck it why not get it over with and asks what happened to Bran in the first episode and Jaime admits it INSTANTLY "I pushed him out the window" and Cat asks "why" as if hoping to get some compassion from him now he's admitting it but he's like "I... hoped the fall would kill him?" as if it's a stupid question lmao and Cat asks again "why?" and instead of explaining the theory of gravity to her he accepts there's that one thing in his life he can't boast about so just tells her to "get some sleep... it'll be a long war" and Cat drops the rock as if she was considering beating him again but has no wish for pointless violence and Jaime looks relieved as she walks away, but it's the same look he just had, not that he's scared to be beaten, but that she didn't press him on the whole sister fucking thing as that's his one weakness
then we see the gay prettyboy guy sitting naked but he's not talking to Renly he's talking to... CERSEI!>tfw you'll never be Cersei's boytoy, I guess this guy'll try to seduce his way close to power no matter who it is and since he's more cute than sexy he goes for the harmless romantic confidant than seductive lothario angle, and he's nagging at her about what her letter says and if they captured Robb yet and what's "their" next move but she seems to be onto his angle and just tells him "STOP TALKING, GET BACK TO BED" lmao MALE THOT STATUS: PATROLLED, so he does and thats the end of the scene uh oookkkk
then at Tywin's camp he's reading a letter that they have his son, and Tyrion points out Robb isn't as green as they hoped, and one of the advisers says he heard his wolf killed a dozen men and as many horses, and it turns out both Renly and Stannis have taken up against them because of Jaime's capture and his armies scattering, and one of the advisers says "perhaps we should sue for peace", not sure what sue means in this context, just short for peruse? or he means arrange a court where they argue their cases or something? but then Tyrion purposefully knocks over his glass onto the ground shattering it and says "there's your peace, Joffrey saw to that when he saw fit to remove Ned's head", and they all start arguing amongst themselves about trading the Stark sisters for Jaime but the others say that'll make them look weak and the camera zooms in on Tywin's back as he listens to them squabble and he suddenly turns around and yells THEY HAVE MY SON! and then does the "get out, all of you" meme and Tyrion slinks away looking sad that his father cares so much for Jaime being captured but didn't give much of a fuck about him other than for the optics when his father holds him back and then stops him from pouring his own drink as if to treat him like a little child as he pours it for him, but he actually agrees with him that they should have kept Ned alive so they could bargain peace with Winterfell and only have to deal with Robert's brothers, and his dad, seemingly genuinely as if he doesn't love Tyrion but is mature enough to put his resentment of him aside if it'll help the war, and says "I thought you a stunted fool, perhaps I was wrong" and Tyrion quips/laments "half wrong" and points out they need to move lest they be surrounded by three armies, I guess Stannis and Renly aren't teaming up and have two separate forces, odd that we haven't even seen Stannis yet, and Tywin says of course like it's obvious and then says he'll send The Mountain with 500 riders to burn down Riverland for supporting the Starks while they retreat to Kingslanding and he actually appoints Tyrion as the new Kings Hand to bring "that boy king to heel and his mother too if needs be" since he knows what a tricky cunt his daughter is and only Tyrion can match her in wit "and if you get so much as a whiff of treason from Baelish, Varys, Pycelle" Tyrone finishes his sentence "heads, spikes, walls" and Tywin nods approvingly that he's already up to speed with the ways of the edgemaster and Tyrone is shocked to find him chosen and not his uncle and Tywin can tell Tyrion's not fully convinced so gives him the one bit of positive reinforcement in his life by saying "because you're my son" but the second he sees Tyrion getting a tiny bit of real self-respect he adds "one more thing, you will not take that WHORE to court" reminding him of the whole your wife's a whore and getting cucked by an army thing as his face start tripping him again
then with the Dothraki Jorah the extreme orbiter that he is has been watching over Dany as she sleeps with his sword out all night and she wakes and asks for her son but..... Jorah tells her... the boy did not live.... oh well I guess she ate all those horse hearts for nothing, and he tries to break the news that her son was stillborn but cant say it and the witch lady comes in and says "he was monstrous, had scales like a lizard, blind, with leather wings like the wings of a bat, when I touched him the skin fell from his bones, inside he was full of graveworms" and Dany looks at her like shes about to vomit, hmm sounds almost like a description of some fucked up dragon monster at the start there, and the witch says "I told you, only death can pay for life" as if this was part of the spell, however the only magical thing confirmed real in this world is the zombies so she might not have any magic at all and could be bullshiting that the baby was mutated, sacrificed or even dead, it was probably just naturally stillborn and she's playing it off like her bloodmagic did it to see more powerful since she's already got people wanting her dead anyway so might as well seem useful, then Dany has a tanty about being taken to see Aquaman but when she leaves her tent she finds.... almost all the warriors are gone, because they only follow the strong, not some dying gayboi, and Dany finds her comatose husband and the witch says some pretentious flowery shit that amounts to he's fucked mate best I can do and Dany does the "leave us" meme and goes to talk to the witch to bitch at her and the witch is just like hey you burned my temple, your son would have been a warlord, I already got raped by three men and I saw my village getting beheaded and then points to Aquaman saying that's what good a life is when you have nothing left, to be fair she does have a point and probably did just do the killing baby Hitler meme and Dany's a fucking moron for actually getting invested in the Dothrakis absolute savage culture and not just playing along but I guess that's stockholm syndrome for you
then at The Wall Jon is deserting to go kill Joffrey and Sam's warning him they'll kill him for it and is so insistent that he stands in the way of his horse refusing to move so Jon just runs the fatass over lmao
then with Tyrion he's breaking the news to Shae that his dad has a "no cags allowed" policy who takes offence but understands when he starts bitching about what a "cunt" his dads always been and a cheeky Tyrion takes advantage and starts promising she can come be the new Hand's lady to get another ride out of her
then we see Jon haven ridden down from the North when he notices some other Nights Watchmen are giving chase and SAM RIDES HIS HORSE STRAIGHT INTO A TREE BRANCH LMAO and the other men stop to see if he's ok and Jon feels bad about getting his friend her and goes back to see his two mates helping Sam up saying "good thing you've got plenty of padding" rofl I wonder if the hardcore fans of this show appreciate them putting a guy just like them into the show, a fat beta virgin neckbeard, and they warn him he better come back or they'll kill him and start guilting him into it by repeating their vows and Sam dramatically hands Jon his sword he left on the ground and he starts reconsidering noooo don't go back to boring central go be apart of the actual plot these two fucking storylines remind me of like free roaming video game maps like the Just Cause games or the Wildlands map where most of them are just woodlands but the designers feel obligated to put in a mountainy snowy area and a desert area that feels super forced in, that's these characters, GRRM wanted to have stories set in different enviroments and this is what he came up with
then we see Dany bathing Aquaman talking to him in Dothraki about "their first ride" aka her rape and she tries to get him to respond in any way but he's just laying there completely unresponsive, I'm guessing this is going to have some edge where she tries having sex with him to see if that's what gets him to respond or something, but then we see her laying next to him and repeating some love poem they used to refer to each other with and crying and she starts kissing him to no reaction... so she takes a pillow.... and mercy kills him by suffocation, with him barely twitching, hope she doesn't do anything to the witch since yeah he deserved to die lmao maybe when I finally bring myself to watch Aquaman I'll appreciate your acting more but it was all just a bunch of glaring looks helped mostly by his physicality and uh eyeliner and ranting in a pretend language you're not going to be able to grasp as much depth from and I was not too thrilled about his character or his storyline in general since like 1) was like a foreign film but for everyone so everyone on earth needs to be reading subtitles other than the one autist who learned this language someone probably wasted months of their lives inventing when on one in this setting should be speaking English at all anyway 2) him and the Dothraki feel like stock characters of people who never really existed, like they're obviously based on the mongol empire but they were not just braindead savages, they used real battle tactics and real political power to amass control of like the second biggest landmass any human has controlled, and there's just not much engaging about the Conan the barbarian sort of archetype because they're so one dimensional and feel entirely made-up like le swash buckling pirate or le black clad ninja or le gun slinging cowboy when these are stereotypes invented by cinema 3) the whole "Dany falls in love with her rapist" storyline is quite the big fucking yikes, I mean I guess it could be read as her getting stockholm syndrome from having to integrate into their culture to survive but from how fucking contrived her storyline is with not only plot armor like Jon has like most tv show protagonists to keep the story going everything coincidentally aligns to make her special in every situation I am guessing this is meant to be empowering and showing her becoming leadership material by gaining more influence and confidence amongst them but Aquaman's such an underwritten dolt character who acts like an NPC with two lines of code "if_angry=edgy_kill,if_wife=moon_dialog" whatever tragic romance or whatever the fuck GRRM is trying to write one-handed never really worked
then in Kingslanding we see the oldass man who's name or role I never picked up is sitting on his bed talking about all the kings he's served to a woman just out of frame stepping out of a bathrobe and as he talks about the Mad King we see this prostitute get up and clean her pussy by the sink, good stuff, thats the realism I want, no, need, to see and get dressed completely ignoring him and just sitting there bored as fuck lmao but once hes done she asks him what his point was and he's completely forgotten and before he can start up again she lets herself out before he can even get up as if he's too infirm and then... HE HOPS UP OUT OF BED AND STARTS DOING STRETCHING EXERCISES LIKE HE'S NOT INFIRM AT ALL LMAO he just pretends to be way more ravaged by age than he is so people let their guard down around him, smart guy, and then as he gets dressed quick as a fiddle he takes on his hunched posture again and starts limping out his door sulis
then we see CIA brooding by the Iron Throne and Varys slithers up and starts asking him about how he pictures himself up there and in power and he asks if everyone who sneered at him bows to him and CIA just quips "hard to bow without heads" nice, edgy, and he asks Varys what he'd do if he was up there, and Varys says hes one of the few men in this city who doesn't want to be king, and CIA tells him "you must be one of the few men in this city who isn't a man" and gets a big smirk like hes super proud of himself for coming up with that one so fastand Varys just sneers at him disapprovingly like he's such a wanker and says "oh you can do better than that" lmao
and then CIA keeps winding him up asking if they "took the pillar with the stones" and Varys just replies "do you spend a lot of time wondering whats between my legs?" and CIA says "I picture a gash, like a woman" and CIA talks about how he's a foreigner but everyone fears him and Varys asks "do you lay awake at night fearing my gash?" top fucking kek the banter between these two virgins is hilarious and CIA keeps commending him for persisting in staying close to power, and Varys says he admires him too for being from a minor house but having such a talent for befriending the powerful and they just stand there quietly looking into each others eyes like some fucked up friendship where these two guys who's whole lives are about manipulating other people can only truly be themselves with their equally underhanded arch nemesis, bet there's lots of gay slash fiction written about them and there's some kino where the stainedglass windows hovering behind them has the symbol of the seven gods as if both their machinations are causing such change in the world it's almost like the gods are acting through them or some shit
but then Joffrey walks in and they both suddenly snap back from their true conniving personalities to their respectable public personas to greet their new King with their own styles of bows
then we see Arya with her new JUST haircut being told by her new caretaker her name is Arry and her new backstory is she's an orphan he picked out a dungeon and she better be grateful he's doing this for her because half the city would hand her over to the queen and the other half would do the same except they'd RAPE her first, edgy,and he warns her she better piss alone in the woods for obvious reasons or he'll put her in a prisoner transport cage with some fucked up leper looking guys, edgy, and Arya turns around, loses the guy and immediately bumps into some fat kid and his asshole friends and discovers the joys of presenting as male where they immediately start shoving her and the fat kid claims to have kicked a boy to death to scare her into handing over her sword but ARYA DRAWS HER SWORD ON HIM AND SAYS "I ALREADY KILLED ONE FAT BOY, BET YOU NEVER KILLED ANYONE" while looking him dead in the eyes and he starts backing the fuck up real fast until he bumps into an older teenager who threatens to make him sing like hitting his anvil for picking on a little kid and the fatty waddles off in a panic, rekt, and the teen explains there's all sorts of unwanted people like rapers and pickpockets and highwaymen there and he's just there because his blacksmith got sick of him and the ally guy seems to be taking all these people North for some reason, I guess he works taking people to and from dungeons or something, and Arya walks off with this caravan of prison transport horses
and then at The Wall Jon is back being a little cuckboy serving the commander guy who reveals he knows he left The Wall and Jon bricks it but he says if they beheaded everyone who run away for the night there'd only be ghosts guarding The Wall, well worked out well in Return of the King, and at least he wasn't out whoring but for honerable reasons, and he starts giving exposition about more evidence of White Walkers coming back and tells him it doesn't matter who sits on the Iron Throne when they arrive, ok thanks for introducing this plot element in the first season so we know that literally nothing to happen in the next like 7 seasons fucking matters at all until the final confrontation with the most dangerous enemy, and he says tomorrow they'll send a big force North to find Benjin Stark to find out whats going on and we see everyone getting on their horse to go out through the tunnel and he asks Jon so are you a brother of the Nights Watch or a bastard who wants to play at war? and we see Jon riding out with them, idk pretty sure he'll be of no help against zombies you can only kill with fire
then with the remaining Dothraki Dany is having her fossilised dragon eggs placed around Aquaman on his funeral pyre and Jorah is like oy vey goyim you could make so much money from selling them and he starts pledging his loyalty to him like a cuckboy but then he begs her not to kill herself by jumping on his funeral pyre but Dany gives him a kiss on a cheek and turns to speak to the remaining Dothraki, ok actually it's not even them, it's their slaves they left behind, and despite looking like shit she gives a speech about how she is freeing them, except not really their actual captors just said fuck this and left I guess not caring about Aquaman's invasion plans anymore so no need to sell these people, and that they can live with her as equals, and half of them leave immediately lmao, and then to really send some mixed messages she orders Jorah to tie the witch to the funeral pyre, and he's like uhhh I know I'm on a really fucking edgy tv show that can be pretty tryhard at times but... and she's like "you swore to obey me", and he cucks in and marches the witchy woman who might not even be a witch at all and ties her to the pyre and Dany gives an edgy speech about how those who hurt her people will die screaming, pretty sure all these people love this witch lady and she was curing them and their families for years but ok, and the witch yells "you wont hear me scream!" lmao as if to ruin her speech and Dany says "I will!" yeah good comeback you crazy thot and says some edgy shit about how "but its not your screams I want, only your life" as if she's... doing a bit of her own bloodmagic, and then she lights two circles on fire around the pyre that slowly set the main pyre on fire and the witch lady sings some witchy song until yep she starts screaming and Dany smiles at Jorah and he looks at her like uhhhhhhhhhh maybe I have bad taste in women afterall and Dany just smugly walks into the pyre and all the slaves kneel in respect as if she is killing herself but as the witchy woman cant scream any longer and burns to death, which is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 23 from me since this whole scene is fucking retarded, we see Dany... not being burned at all?
then the next morning Jorah walks through the awakening slaves and comes to the smoldering wreckage of the funeral pyre and finds Dany sitting in the smoke, with her clothes burned off and covered in suit but unharmed, cradling something in her arms and something slithers over her shoulder to reveal... A BABY DRAGON!!!!!
and stands up cradling one like a baby as the other is on her leg and the one on her shoulder rears up and gives an adorable little roar as all the slaves bow in awe, ok I'm guessing the meme here is she learned bloodmagic works by trading one life for another and her family actually does have the blood of dragons or whatever so she was able to bring the eggs back to life, I always assumed she literally gave birth to the eggs or something and I vaguely remember that in the books she like sits on them like a bird sitting on its eggs waiting for them to watch I'm sure so GRRM can describe her vagina warming up sitting on them but I guess this is like her spiritual childbirth of some sort anyhow, wow quite convenient the dumb shit her brother was saying about their family having dragons blood came true but only for her the family member in this exotic dangerous situation who happened to have some fossilised dragon eggs and happened to learn about blood magic and happened to be able to perform it and happened to have a funeral pyre to poetically perform it on and poetically have someone to sacrifice on it and poetically had just lost a pregnancy that was poetically described to be lizard-like very grounded and nuanced stuff there and Dany is definitely not a Mary Sue, even if all this turns out to be set-up by Varys or something it's still obviously all suspicously geared towards empowering Dany without having to develop her character at all, she could have been a really good character if they had her sloooowly rise up the ranks of just some arranged marriage rape victim to head of her own army over the course of several seasons but she goes from princess in the first episode to taking control of her dimwit husband in the second and then they waste time with her learning the Dothraki ways to have that whole storyline be jettisoned and then in the finale she hyper contrived and conveniently discovers she was born with superpowers, she's definitely my least favorite part of the show tbqh
but that was a lot better than I expected overall, really good production values throughout with the CGI being pretty seamless other than for 2 or 3 shots and all the cool buildings and landscapes, all the costumes and sets and shit look great, like the armor looks like actual metal and not cheap plastic crap and you can tell from each person is wearing their allegiance and class, and the acting is almost all great other than Emilia Clark who has these huge rubber expressions almost like some Jim Carey shit that seem like he's maybe more fitted for slapstick comedy or something lis, and the dialog can get a bit much with everyone talking in metaphors and having to say edgy shit every 2 seconds but I love how almost every conversation is someone trying to manipulate someone else especially with CIA and Varys who have by far the most interesting stories, the edgy shit isn't too bad yet since most of the violence and gore is usually used for the purpose of driving home that this is Realism Bitch™ where people really are trying to kill each other and any injury might be the death of you, and all the sex and whipping out titties is usually in the context of prostitution to the add to the sort of life is cheap atmosphere and I guess that's one big difference of a medieval world without christianity people can whore in the open without it being an underground thing I am pretty sure it was for most of the dark ages (although this culture still has a huge emphasis on marriage like Jon being branded a bastard and I think he's called Snow because that's just a generic placeholder name because he's not allowed to use his fathers which you think wouldn't be such a big thing culturally if they used to be some tree worshiping pegans) my main complaints are mainly the storylines with The Wall and Dany feel so disconnected physically, both have supernatural elements not in the main story and both have such tropey too-perfect Mary Sue protagonists who other characters admire for no reason it's almost like they're in a separate spin-off show or something from grim and grounded political machinations of the morally grey mainland Westeros characters and while I enjoy all the realism of like Ned just being doomed as soon as he went to Kingslanding trying to act Lawful Good and King Rob just dying from a hunting accident it does clash with the fact that his is a fantasy world where like one old guy and his ugly family control the one bottleneck in the country and there's like bloodmagic to bring people back to life but only practised by some weirdos in a desert and I get they're going for a sort of in ye olden times people were superstitious and believed in legends but if they were actually real people would behave fundamentally different e.g. if witches were actually real it wouldn't be a bunch of retards drowning them it'd be powerful people getting them to do magic for them I have a sinking feeling that despite the nice balls it takes to kill off the traditional hero character soon into the story this season might be the best where all the politics and mystery has a clear driving force and tension of avoiding war and it might descend into Heroes style people betraying and switching allegiances constantly just for the sake of twists now that we're left with just morally grey characters already in a war situation but guess we'll find out here we go to season 2
editors note: this thread is so big it just fails to load the preview page if I try to do it all in one post so I'll try breaking it up per season like how I used to have to break up my LOST threads when max goldberg would only allow 10 images per post
08-11-2019
rubycalaber
Game of Thrones 2x01: "The North Remembers" dead baby special edition
First aired: April 1, 2012
alright first scene of this episode is The Hound in his tactical combat fursuit wolf helmet and armor with a mace and shield recking some other guy that he sends falling off the roof killing him for the entertainment of the castle staff and King Joffrey who is still trying to get any sort of reaction out of Sansa who is just acting barely responsive much to the little shit, who looks like he's hit puberty in real life and aged about 5 years, up the wall, and up next is a guy with looks like a huge meat tenderizer representing CIA and a like comically fat clumsy drunk man staggering in to represent Joffrey who notices how rekt he is and offers him another drink... with the help of his guards... WHO FORCE A FUNNEL DOWN THE MANS MOUTH AND START POURING AN ENTIRE BARREL OF WINE DOWN HIS THROAT, LITERALLY DROWNING HIM IN ALCOHOLEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 24 just in case you forgot what show you were watching, welcome back, and there's some continuation of the visual theme from last episode where we see this happening in the background as Sansa looks on as if to show her getting more and more desensitised
but she whines "you cant!" which sets off Joffrey and she tries to tell him it's bad luck to kill someone on your nameday aka autistic alternate universe way of saying birthday and The Hound actually backs her up and since Joffrey respects him like 1% for being a cool soldier guy since he's basically ye olde virgin nerd having a country-wide beta uprising he calls them off... but then says he'll have him killed tomorrow lmao, and when they release the man he vomits massive amounts of wine, and Sansa manages to spare his life by saying he doesn't deserve a quick death he should have to live life as a fool, I guess a court jester, to which Joffrey agrees and the fatty thanks them but actually meaning it for Sansa, wonder if there'll be some storyline where Sansa starts winning over the people of Kingslanding and they side with her instead or something or we're in for several seasons of pointless edge, then our manlet friend Tyrion arrives, wearing Lannister armor, taunting his nephew for not showing up on the battlefield, greeting the two younger kids and gives Sansa his sorries for Ned, and Sansa just says she doesn't care about a traitor and is loyal to Joffrey, having learnt fast she needs to play the long game, and Tyrion just struts off to work much to Joffrey's shock, who would kill anyone else for talking to him as flippantly but just seems insecure around Tyrion because he knows his family needs someone way smarter than him
then in the royal counsel Varys, CIA, the old ass guy who's name I haven't picked up, some general guy and Cersei are receiving a white crow bringing the message it seems all in its appearance that summer is over and, yes my fellow redditors, winter is coming, and they discuss how the city is flooded with refugees because of the war, wow really makes ya think maybe don't start wars then little hint for the fat Americans watching this show, and Cersei just orders them thrown out, lmao based & redpilled, and then Tyrion struts in whistling much to Cersei's disappointment and he kisses her on the cheek (lips are for the other brother), starts boasting about his adventures while looking at CIA as if he knows he's been up to some bullshit and as soon as he takes out their fathers appointment of him as the new Hand and Cersei does our first GET OUT! meme of the season so they can talk bluntly and Tyrion starts chewing her out for letting their family get in so much drama, starting a war they're losing and only having one Stark left to trade from the three they had and she just endures all his criticisms knowing he's right and she needs his counsel
then we get an extremely kino shot of a guard holding a Stark banner overlooking a castle in the middle of nowhere with a sea of clouds behind it as if it's the only safehaven in a confusing and soon to be very cold world and inside Bran and his old teacher guy is hearing some landlord guy droning on and on about how there's no good masons left with everyone sent off to war and Bran, who's the serving lord of Winterfell lmao, basically tells him to stop bitching because his fucking dead got beheaded and the old teacher guy just gives him what he wants to get rid of him and tells the worryingly unpassionite Bran listening to people he doesn't want to is his job
then we get a weird washed out POV shot of someone running through the woods and they look up to see what looks like... a flare from a flaregun? what is this LOST or some shit? or a comet in space? I vaguely remember something about that being how Gods enter the world but I think that might be D&D lore I'm remembering, and this low down POV goes towards the pond underneath that holy tree... panting... and we look in the water to see... WE'RE A WOLF lmao, there needs to be a first person remake of A Dog's Life which was a great game, then we see it's a dream Bran is having, I guess coming to terms with his new leadership role amongst his wolf sigil'd clan and how that'll probably involve losing some of the facades of humanity, and the next day he has Hodor carry him out there and the wildling lady who's been let off her ankle chains and started washing her hair talks to him about the comet that is actually real and how people think it predicts the war going one way or another but she thinks it means dragons are back, and Bran crawls over to the pond and waves his reflection away in it as if he's trying to forget the young boy he used to be and says "they're all dead"
then we cut to the comet being seen in the sky over the mainland over Dany's group of two dozen odd slaves marching through the desert with her trying to feed a chink of meat to one of her little baby dragons but it's not eating it, I'm guessing there's some edge coming up where they need to eat LIVE meat, and she puts it back in a wooden cage and a horse drops dead since they're wandering around in a desert without water lmao and Dany laments that she did her edgy speech about making their enemies die screaming but how does she make starvation scream, time to go to war on an adjective like the US government does every decade, and Jorah tells her they have to keep going East since South is the Lazereen and West is the Dothraki who'll both kill her and take her dragons, I guess North would take them to an even worse fate: Russians, who'll sell the dragons for krokodil, and Dany who looks actually cuter than usual dying of dehydration in the desert speaks to the slaves in Dothraki, which goddamn it I need to turn on subtitles for, and sends their toughest men to ride in different directions to find when this desert ends, sounds like a good way to never see them again you dopey cow, and she looks around at her starving people, with no fuzzy shit around her hair so it seems maybe they really are out in a desert somewhere irl, and she looks up at the comet that'll probably never come back into play
and we transition down from it to, oh boy, behind The Wall with a very nice establishing shot of the tundra leading to the mountains and we find a caravan of the Nights Watchmen where Sam has been given a ride on their cart of chicken cages because he's so fucking fat he can't keep up with them lmao how the fuck did they let this dude in and they arrive at a cabin in the woods where some wildlings live and one of the lads warns them not to mess with the patriarchs daughters but then another says or his wives.... because he marries his daughters and they give him more daughters... and so on and so on, ooh another one INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 and everyone says "that's foul" welcome to Westeros I guess where a 70 year old obese American brings his sex fantasies to life and Sam and Jon ask what he does with his sons and no one gets what they're asking, uh oh, time for some edgy cannibalism me thinks
then inside his cabin the Nights Watchmen are asking him what happened to Jon's uncle and he plays dumb to the "Southerners" and Jon claims "we're not Southerners" and this patriarchy guy says WHO'S THIS LITTLE GIRL? YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN HALF MY DAUGHTERS! YOU GOT A NICE WET TWAT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS? oh so that's what he does with his sons, he fucks them too lmao, and the guy starts bargaining for Dornish wine in return for info and gives up that the wildlings have gone to serve someone called Mance Ryder, who used to be a Knight Rider or whatever they're called again but betrayed his vows to actually go north to be king of the wildlings, and this Trumpian patriarch stops one of his daughterwives and gets her to repeat a clearly pre-established routine about how they're happy to live there rather than be slaves, presumably having to serve the lords and kings down south, and then he tries to taunt the general guy about how he has all these young wives and he has no one to warm his bed, and the general just says they've chosen different paths, and the asshole is like YEAH A PATH WITH ONLY BOYS ON IT lmao this memer, and then he stands up and threatens to cut off any hand that touches his wives and cut out Jon's eyes if he stares at them any longer either, oh I wonder if there will be drama here Jon falls in love with one of the girls, and the commander guy can tell some fucking bullshits a cooking in Jon's brain so grabs him and yells at him to learn how to follow if he wants to be a leader one day
then we see the comet again and pan down to a sculpture of a dragon carved into a sea-side cliff and we see a dude running along the beach with a torch, as in a flaming stick not a modern day flashlight, up to a group on a beach beside a big castle at night all standing around a bonfire having some sort of ritual for the comet talking about how the dead will rise in the north so they need to do an offering to the old gods or something and it's being led by some character I think we come to know as the Red Lady from her dress sense and I guess she's honoring the old gods by... burning the... trees they were worshipped through? or something? and this old guy starts whining to some new old guy who's there with I think maybe the first time we see Stannis and tells him this is against their religion of the Seven but he tells him to shut up and he starts lecturing everyone they're dishonering their ancestors for worshipping the old gods but they all ignore him and then the Red Lady comes up and says she smells "fear... and piss and old bones" and basically dares him to use force to stop her but that's not in his nature so he just gives up and yeah we meet Stannis for the first time and the Red Lady bigs him up saying he's the Warrior of Light and will pull the Lightbringer sword from a fire and he goes and does that even though it burns his hand and waves this flaming sword around and everyone kneels and pledges allegiance to him, I guess this is the theme they are going for with Stannis, that he has his political strength from having this Red Lady figure on his side who whips up Old God religious fervor for him, which I'm guessing he probably doesn't care one way or another about, but just knows it's a good angle to keep support amongst converts, followers in the North and people in the South butthurt about oppression against them, which is honestly a theme that needs to be a vital part of every other character if this is to be le gritty and grounded medieval story since the entire history of medieval europe is intra and inter religious conflict but dumb Americans who's culture has always been a hodgepodge of faiths to the extent that they unironically say things like "judeo-christian values" with a straight face probably miss this important point, then after everyone follows Stannis off the old ass man tells Stannis right hand man, Davos, that the Red Lady will lead him into a war he cannot win, but he's too loyal to Stannis and wont listen, and I guess it's effigies of the seven gods they're burning? idk this is some autism
then later we see Stannis HQ has this cool table that's a map of Westeros and all his supporting cast members are there as he looks over some speech he's writing explaining his situation about how his brother had no true heir since "his" kids were all born of incest with their uncle lmao and Stannis, who actually has a height pitched voice than I always imagined from how he looks and how his fanboys hold him up as the only honorable character left, has his servant scratch out the part about his brother loving him since that's a lie, and insists calling Jaime the Kingslayer... but still Ser Kingslayer since that means he's a knight, and it turns out that the only person Ned told before they stopped having to pay Sean Bean too much money was Stannis, I guess one of his final acts was going against CIAs plan to use the gay brother as an easy puppet even when he still trusted him after all, who wont make the same mistake and orders the newsletter to be spammed all up and down Westeros so everyone knows Cersei shags her brother and King Joffrey is an incest baby lmao, and he refuses to call peace with his gay brother as long as he claims to be king, which seems like he doesn't have a genuine claim since he's younger but people are declaring for him so that's all that matters, and his right hand man suggests allying with the Starks then since the Lannisters are everyone's true enemy, but Stannis knows they'd refuse to let him control the North, and "Joffrey, Renly, Robb Stark, they're all thieves, they'll bend the knee or I'll destroy them" damn this guy is dank and the old ass man takes the opportunity to pretending to approve of him serving the new gods over the old, ok I guess they were burning the old gods trees and are switching to the new gods or something idk fuck this fictional religious shit and real religious shit (but I repeat myself) and this old man suspiciously touches Stannis who tells him "don't" and raises a cup of wine to honer "the one true god" (inshalla) and I thought maybe he was going to poison Stannis at first who was warning him not to or something but it's when the old man drinks from his glass and offers it to the Red Lady that he starts to shake... and bleed from the nose... and THE RED LADY DRINKS FROM THE SAME GLASS LIKE ITS FINE AND WATCHES THE OLD MAN AS HE DIES FROM POISON
and Stannis stands up like wtf m8 and the Red Lady repeats her meme line "the night is dark and full of terrors, old man, but the fire burns them all away" lol she never picked up his name and just called him old man like I was doing, ok I'm not sure what happened there, I guess Stannis could tell the Red Lady was going to kill the old guy and was getting cold feet at the last second or something, and the Red Lady was just proving to the more easily influenced men in the room that she really does have divine direction from the gods or something, when in reality she might have just built up an immunity to the poison she herself used, I think maybe a better way to do that scene would have been it was the old man trying to poison the Red Lady, but she calls him out that the drink is suspicious, and so to "prove" it's safe he drinks it first deciding that he's an old man so is willing to sacrifice his life to stop this woman he thinks is a dangerous influence to his king, and the Red Lady drinks it, and the old man starts to die happy that he took her down with him, but then he sees it as no effect, and dies confused and scared as to how she's immune, and then the Red Lady looks both supernatural but also innocent compared to her suicidal assassin, but as the scene stands it seems like they're fine with her poisoning some old man just for speaking against her and then just to be edgy drank her own poison which she could have inoculated herself against somehow so is less impressive, or maybe that is what happened and I just read the scene wrong, ok I watched it again and I missed, since I was typing this, the old man acting suspicions opening some device and bringing his cup under the table and it was Davos who saw him and warned him to stop, ok so my better idea is actually what happened, ok so I just typed that out for no reason, epic, also I confused Davos for Stannis since he's the more commanding screen presence (which I suppose is fitting since most leaders IRL have higher functioning people controlling them from behind the scenes while they're just the appropriate front face to show the public) and all white people look the same, going to leave that in there since fuck you and is actually a compliment to the show that it was subtle enough that I missed it by just not paying attention to a guy fiddling about with his drink for 1 second, still a bit daft that he'd poison his drink at the meeting itself and then hope she'd drink from it but better than most shows would do it where they'd literally say out loud "oh this old man tried to poison you m'lady", so I guess that means she might actually have supernatural powers if she can survive a poison like nothing or maybe she just built up immunity to EVERY poison like some batman shit, oh also I picked up that I think they're worshipping a whole new religion and from their point of view the Seven gods are now the old gods? because that old guy was whining about how they're dishonering the Seven that is their fathers religion but then talking about following a new god and there being ONE true god? so this woman is introducing a new monotheistic religion? I guess that's a risky gamble if no one else in Westeros worships him and are either Seven followers or Old God loyalists
anyway then at Robb's POW camp he is visiting Jaime who implies that he's gay for dragging him around everywhere he goes lmao but Robb explains whoever he leaves him with will get doxxed by his father and bribed or threatened and Jaime taunts him for not trusting the loyalty of his men and starts winding him up calling him "boy" but he shuts the fuck up real fucking fast when... prowling around the cage... comes Robb's direwolf, that stands beside Robb and pants at Jaime as if he's waiting for the word, and Jaime freezes up as Robb explains his letter from Stannis, and Jaime denies it claiming that's just a convenient lie for Stannis to tell, but Robb finally has it all worked out that Joffrey killed Ned so no one would find out that Jaime is his father, although I don't think he knew that and just did it on a whim, although maybe Cersei only let him have a choice since she secretly knew what he'd do, and that Jaime crippled Bran because he saw him shagging his sister, and he grips the wolf as if considering letting it kill him, and the wolf it seems is like a real wolf that's just been enlarged for the scene it doesn't seem CG, but Jaime keeps his courage and demands proof and they argue back and fourth before Robb just lets the direwolf approach him and start snarling at him and Jaime closes his eyes expecting the worst but when he opens them it's already gone, I'm guessing there's some implication here that the direwolves represent the Old Gods or something showing them favoring the Starks because they kept faith in them so made their sigil manifest as a loyal ally to them or some such kino
then back in a really good like mattpainting or whatever of Kingslanding being overlooked by Tyrion's cag against a not so good greenscreen she is talking about how the city stinks of shit lmao I guess it really would in those days where that many people together would just throw their shit out the window and she also claims to be able to SMELL CUM from the balcony but she likes it and it makes her want to fuck, epic, good dialog, and Tyrion warns her she cant be seen with him and not to trust anyone in this city and she calls him out as a liar but he claims to be a slave to the truth, which is interesting that out of all the other manipulators who thrive on keeping secrets and faking loyalty Tyrion manipulates people by reading them well enough to find out what they want and arranging a situation that's mutually beneficial for both of them without which I guess is using the truth rather than deception, and he kisses his cag as they lay in Ned's old bed
then outside we see Cersei with four of her fathers soldiers finding CIA and asking him to find Arya and he tells her to as Varys but poisons the well a bit saying he finds it hard to trust Eunuchs since you never know what they want (probably a bit of projection here from CIA that everyone else's motivation is about trying to get laid, which I mean is sort of accurate in a round about way as most people are concerned with their offspring primarily but not literally just being a frienzoned beta orbiter like him rofl) and Cersei can tell right away he's trying to manipulate her, probably into preferring him for spymaster shenanigans, and brings up that the mockingbird pin on his lapel is in fact not to show that he is a fan of the Hunger Games but a sigil he created for himself and says its "appropriate for a self-made man with so many songs to sing" to get under his skin bringing up that he's a nobody no one really respects and CIA just keeps trying to suck up to her saying he's not as lucky as her to be brought into the right family, probably trying to make her a bit uncomfortable since he know she actually fucking hates her family, and she keeps winding him up about his modest means telling him he reminds her of a story of a poor boy who lived with a rich family and fell for the daughter who was in love with another man, I suppose referring to his story and how he fell for Cat, and CIA gets a cheeky grin like oh it's love lives we're bringing up then is it and says "problems do arise when boys and girls grow up together, sometimes I've heard EVEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS DEVELOP CERTAIN AFFECTIONS, but when those affections become common knowledge... welllll that is an awkward situation"
with a huge smile on his face like he's always got the juicy gossip on everyone and Cersei stares at him like try me cunt and CIA brings up that public shame is actually worse for powerful families everyone already scrutinizes and those in power often forget a simple truth... that "knowledge is power" and he gives her a cheeky grin like no matter her lineage he can still get leverage over anyone but he made the mistake of making his intentions a bit too clear because Cersei immediately, as if she is always waiting to do this and just measuring others intentions towards her for the moment this becomes appropriate, orders her guards "SEIZE HIM" and as if seeing what real fucking power is, simply who can project physical force on others, this little weasly beta incel gets grabbed by the big fancy armored soldiers and Cersei orders "CUT HIS THROAT" oh shit I thought they were just going to arrst him and the guards take out a sword and CIA just struggles uselessly like a little bitch
but Cersei laughs and says "stop, I changed my mind, let him go" while smirking at CIA and then she orders her guards to "step back three paces... turn around... close your eyes" and they all do so immediately and CIA looks around confused and Cersei walks up to him and tells him "power is power, if you could take some time away from your coins and whores to locate the Stark girl, I'd very much appreciate it"
while staring him right in the eyes with her own eyes lighting up for the first time in the show as if she's just had a really good orgasm or something, and then walks off leaving CIA standing there bricking it having his coping mechanism of thinking his smarts can overcome physical strength exposed and he looks around awkward at a young boy cleaning something I guess lamenting that he probably works or Varys who'll now know he got absolutely dominated by Cersei and has a mission from her, that was a really great scene, great back and fourth of mind games between these two intelligent characters and Aidan Gillen plays a slimy weasel so well and Lena Headey did such a great job of showing how deeply satisfying, in a way that snaps her out of her usual doldrum of managing others and constant paranoia and makes her feel fired up and alive and truly present in the situation for once, she finds being able to control men, both loyal and disloyal to her, with her personal power, maybe not in the sadistic way that some of the powerful male characters like to abuse others where their suffering is the main goal, but being a woman in this world is shit and being born into her family is shit but she's going to make the best of it like no one else could and climb to the top by any means necessary and even though she hates having to put up with playing nice with the ghastly men in her life at least she can just order to have other men do whatever she wants to be killed which is like her being successful at her main drive in life manifesting clear as day right in front of her, Tyrion sees she loves her children but they still serve her actual main drive in life to empower herself as much as she can which is a great characterization and also makes me want to get fucking pegged by her
then with Robb we see him meeting someone called Ser Alton Lannister and he offers his cousins peace if they release his sisters and the bodies of his father and all their fallen men, and the man says those are honerable requests but Robb butts in and adds "Joffrey and the Queen Regent must renounce all claim to dominion of the North, from this time till the end of time we are a free and independent kingdom", oh shit boi we going full William Wallance now, and all his men say "King of the North!", and Robb threatens to personally behead Joffrey if he ever sets foot in the North, and the cousin, who I assumed they captured in battle, starts stuttering because he knows he has more to fear from his uncle than he does from Robb if he delivers those terms, but Robb threatens to litter the countryside with Lannister bodies, and when the cousin corrects him respectfully that Joffrey is a Bathoreon or whatever Robb is like oh... is he ;) and they hand him his demands in letter form and order him to ride south and his guards escort him out their command tent
then outside Theon comes to Robb calling him your grace, which he says he doesn't need to call him in private, but Theon, being the arrogant wanker he is, says its not so bad once you get used to it, since he probably really misses being called that having grown up a prince, but Robb's a big boy position he's not comfortable with yet, and Theon tells him the Lannisters will reject his conditions which Robb already knows, I guess he only made those demands to big up his supporters so they keep believing he has the courage, conviction and moral righteousness to be be supported, and Theon, a rare respectable feature, sort of, of his being that he actually knowing his way around a battle, tells him they'll only win by taking Kings Landing which requires ships, and he offers up his fathers fleet, who even though was defeated in part by the Starks, did so to free his people from Kings Landing, and Theon convinces the new King Robb that he can convince his father to help, which he's probably doing because he wants to be a cool war hero again and probably win back respect from and for his father since he's basically been a POW for the last few decades, and he tells Robb that he might not be a Stark but Ned raised him to be an honerable man and he wants to avenge him together
and then we smashcut to Cat telling Robb he doesn't want King Greyjoy as an ally, and she makes reference to rallying the rats in the sewers of Kings Landing being a better option so I guess they don't throw their shit on the street, or maybe the sewers are only connected to certain prominent peoples houses and the average citizen still does the old chucking the pan out the window thing, but he argues they've got no other play since his supporters wont keep supporting him if all they get for the infamous Kingslayer is two girls, and he snaps at his brother when she says that's what they're fighting for, but Robb now has the pressures of the whole of the North on him and not just his family, and he says their current play... is to send Cat to negotiate with Renly who already has 100K men, I guess the angle here is Robb isn't interested in the Iron Throne he just wants freedom for the North and to defeat the Lannisters, and I guess he knows Stannis wouldn't abide by a team-up on the conditions of freeing the North, but Renly is more of a push-over who'd be fine with that as long as he gets the Iron Throne, which is a real smart move, Robb is a bit of an underwritten character but he's very sympathetic as the one power player who doesn't actually like having power at all but is managing not to be overwhelmed by it and play everything smart and just, which if I know my edgy GoT means he's going to get gangraped by gorillas or something soon
then back in the Iron Throneroom there are workmen at work which Joffrey tells his mother is him restoring the room to what it was like under the Targaryens because they were conquerors, aka the schizophrenic king who immolated people for no reason, but Cersei's main concern is they don't have Arya to trade for her lover/brother, and Joffrey doesn't care since the Starks are weak for "putting too much value on their women" lmao LITERALLYThe Incel King
and Cersei tries to convince Joffrey to send forces looking for Arya by telling him to ask his grandfather realizing that he's already got a case of the ol toxic masculinity and doesn't respect her opinions on military matters just for being a woman, but he disrespects Tywin too saying its his fault Uncle Jaime is captured which is a big redflag for Cersei since she knows Tywin will do whatever horrible thing necessary to get Joffrey under his control if he catches a wiff if disloyalty to him, but before she can gear up the ol manipulation Joffrey says.... he heard an awful lie about Uncle Jaime.... and you.... and he looks awkward as if he obviously doesn't want to think of his mother.... or uncle... in that way but maybe anyone in a sexual context and Cersei just smiles comfortingly and says it's ye olde Fake News™ to weaken his claim to the throne as if she has already played out this conversation years ago, and Joffrey stares at her in confusion like he knows his mother tries to control him but also how can anyone deny him his throne as if he's too pigheaded to understand his enemies would lie about him and she just gives in in that way only mothers do with their sons knowing it's best not to argue and keep influencing them as an caring ally than a commander they wont listen to (which is why a boy needs a father fuck single mothers lmao) and comforts him that everyone know hes the rightful king, but Joffrey has heard somewhere that... Rob had other children besides him and his two younger siblings, and Cersei looks shook that he might be onto the fact that there's some whores baby out there who's the real king never mind his two uncles in-law that are trying to overthrow him and Joffrey disrespectfully asks "were there other women he was fucking when he grew tired of you?" oooh I feel a slap coming oooon and yyyyup Joffrey asks "how many bastards does he have running-" but CERSEI SLAPS JOFFREY ACROSS THE FACE
l m a o and there's a great camera shot where it cuts back to the wide shot of the soldiers who instinctively look over at the sounds of violence but then quickly realize it's an interpersonal thing and they best keep their fucking eyes to themselves and snap back to standing guard and Joffrey hears the construction work suddenly stopped and as soon as he looks at the workmen the whole room just gets back to work knowing its their only option and Joffrey sits there stewing in repressed mommy issues incel rage as Cersei bottles it realizing she did that on instinct and didn't realize that doesn't exactly fly as of a few weeks ago anymore and Joffrey says "what you just did... is punishable by death" and Cersei looks like she realizes her best play is to just act scared and sorry and Joffrey tells her "you'll never do it again... never" and as he storms up to sit on the Iron Throne and dismisses her, based on how automatic Cersei slapping him was she used to do this regularly to him as a smaller child and this is the moment all shitty parents fear when their kid becomes a bit too big for that kind of shit and you realize could kick your teeth in if they wanted, or in this case order someone else to do it, huh its... almost as if you hit people... they wont respect or like you... and will make them angry... really... really makes ya think *triggers all the braindead apes who still think slapping your kids is a good idea in [the current year]* but also I want Cersei to be my mommy and slap me for being a bad boy and talking about incest too much
then we smash cut to AAAAHH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH FUCK ME WITH THAT BIG BLACK COCK sorry that was my blacked.com window playing we see a cag riding the dick of a maybe lucky customer getting a free go in one of CIAs brothels as I think Ros since all white people look the same is giving her some direction on not fake moaning like in shitty modern day porn (that convinces numpty normies thats what actual good sex is like irl and if the woman isn't screaming like she's broken a leg it's bad)
and she's meant to ease into it so it seems natural but she starts overacting again and Ros tells them BOTH to go clean up, so I guess the dude is on some gay for pay shit normally, or maybe in this instance straight for your mates, and Ros shows a new girl around this fancy brothel she's enchanted with and points out some girl going off with a dude in monk robes who's actually from down the road who pretends she doesn't speak not-English and wears some psudo-Egyptian jewlery to pretend to be exotic and calls her a "dumb slut" lmao I guess showing she doesn't respect any of these other women but then the new commander of the city guard comes in who she's seen before if you catch the implication but he's not there for pleasure as his men drag in some dude who looks like he's been roughed up and his other men start kicking down doors and Ros tries to tell him this establishment is CIAs who is the kings Master of Coin, ah so that's why he thought the guards were loyal to him since he's like finance minister or something, but the guards are really loyal to the Lannisters who control the actual resources CIA just distributes really makes ya think and his men drag in a cag with her screaming baby and the man looks guilty but nods to the commander and uh oh a guard tears the baby from her arms and looks down at this crying baby as the mother begs for mercy and hesitates when the commander tells him to kill the bastard so he takes him from him AND KILLS THE BABY
but it's off-screen so I'll let you off the edgy meter for now and the commander just casually sheathes his blade and struts out leaving the woman screaming in horror on the floor of the brothel and then we see some night of the long knives shit as every house in an area being searched by the city guard and they stab a teenage boy and drown a younger lad in the sea
and then a crowd of angry men have gathered and have to be held back as a guard carries out the dead baby and the guard who pussied out looks on horrified yeah there we go that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 25 from me my man
and then we see that blacksmith we met last season having his face held near burning coals as he gives up his assistants doxx saying he's travelling North to join the Nights Watch and we cut to seeing this guy jumping on the back of a cart with his bullshead helmet he made and ah yes Arya is there and this is the young man she made friends with sorry I didn't recognize him due to all whites looking the same and my autism alright didn't really feel like a premiere for a whole new chapter of the story or anything it was just more of pre-established plot only thing that felt new was finally meeting Stannis and I guess the comet is some new imagery but it was ok I loved every scene with Cersei and the pay-off with the men going around killing kids, edgy, I like it, but unironically
Game of Thrones 2x02: "The Night Lands" pretty sneaky sis special edition
First aired: April 8, 2012
ok so after the opening credits which I've never actually sat through once lmao reverse trap Arya is taking a piss by the river in secret and then goes back to the convoy when some creeper prisoner asks for a drink and to be a "friend" to this "lovely boy" and his other cellmate just growls for beer before he skins her lmao and he's heard "his" name is Arya (inb4 there's a legion of trans GoT fans who think Arya is actually a transman like they do with every other female character in fiction who's obviously not trans and only dressing like a boy as a disguise that's necessary in their situation) which I guess isn't obviously a girls name in this world and he introduces his cellmate who immediately starts barking for beer again like fucking Father Jack in Father Ted and Arya tells him he should have asked nicer and starts whacking his hand away from the bar with a stick and he threatens to "shove that up your bunghole and fuck you bloody" very nice and edgy and the creeper guy says she's got more courage than sense and the blacksmith boy warns her not to go near them but then they see the "gold cloaks" from Kings Landing are there and the blacksmiths boy ducks down as if he thinks they're there for him but Arya hides too saying they're there for her and whoever this Ned's ally guy is gives the city guard some cheek and he just hands over a warrant for the arrest of one of the people there but the guy just PULLS A KNIFE AND PUTS IT TO THE GUARDS CROTCH and threatens that he could "shave a spiders arse" with his knife if he wanted to and he does the smart thing I thought he should have done rather than what I assumed he'd do with threatening to castrate him but he threatens to nick the artery in his inner thigh that there's no one around to un-nick and actually takes his sword off of him and gives him the choice to die there or go back home and say they couldn't find their quarry and this stonefaced guard can tell he's serious but doesn't show any fear and decides to just ask if anyone's seen Genry, and Arya realizes that's her friend, and says he'll be back with more men, a reward if anyone wants to turn him in... and this dudes head and then rides off, seems the guy has some big balls afterall, but the dude doesn't seem to care at all since he seems to think the Nights Watch is outside of King Landings reach, but he looks over at Genry realizing he's got two problems now
then back at Kings Landing we see Tyrion walking in on his cag gf talking to... uh oh... Varys, who in a world of people who'll do anything for more personal power is probably the most dangerous one there since he seems like he's genuinely dedicated to a cause greater than himself, the good of the realm, even if that means engineering a massive fucking invasion for it, and Tyrion immediately gets worried since he knows how dangerous Varys is and doesn't want him whispering his machinations to his cag gf who's already a big vulnerability to him, but she's lied to him, probably unsuccessfully from the way Varys teases him about it, that they met in one of his fathers kitchens, and Tyrion taunts Varys back that he should "try her fish pie" but his whore gf can tell Varys "doesn't like fish pie", and he asks how she can tell, and she says she can always tell, interesting that Varys is usually the kind of smugly effeminate smooth talking flamboyant character who'd usually be coded as queer in this sort of story but it's just that he's been castrated as a boy lmao and Varys drops the lure that he knows, somehow, that Tywin didn't want her to come, and """assures""" him that his discretion for friends is legendary, hinting that Tyrion, who I'm sure Varys has clocked as one of the other highest IQ people in the city, best keep him as a friend as he's already got leverage over him in their first private meeting, but Tyrion has taken a level-up in being a badman from his recently journey North, having been beaten in a cell, faced execution, been to war and killed a motherfucker, simply waits for his girlfriend to be distracted, stops Varys from leaving and tells him "I don't like threats" and Varys plays dumb but Tyrion says "I'm not Ned Stark, I know how this game is played" and then threatens to have him thrown into the sea lmao but Varys is a real nigga too who then stops Tyrion from opening the door for him so the tension cant be broken and tells him he might be disappointed in the results since "the storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish, but I keep on paddling" since he's a survivor, probably an interesting side-effect of being castrated, he'll never aim for and reach a stage in his life where his primary concern is his children like most people do, so he's only ever learned how to survive hardship, and has already survived some fucked up shit, and then just politely tells Tyrion they shouldn't keep their Queen waiting as they have a counsel meeting, ooh I love it, we're getting some interesting match-ups with the master manipulator characters recently, we've yet to see Varys talk to Cersei or Tyrion talk to CIA however, but I like that there's like four of them, when usually a show just has one or two
so then we see Cersei reading out Robb's demands letter she got from her cousin... which she then tears up lmao, which Tyrion even lampshades teasing her that she's perfected the art of tearing up papers, and Tyrion says they should at least give Ned's bones back but Cersei ignores him and asks her cousin if he'll deliver their response, and he swallows knowing it might kill him but that might be better than what she'd do to him if he refuses, and before he leaves she asks him, with genuine tenderness, to tell Jaime if he sees him that he's not been forgotten, since she seems to at least hate him the least of all her birth family, so I guess the reply to Robb's conditions is literally "*tears up letter dismissively*" rofl, and Tyrion teases her about her diplomacy skills, the old guy hands over a note from the Black Rock, wait sorry wrong tv show, Castle Black, and CIA and Varys bicker about the wildlings finding a king and Cersei just chortles at the ridiculousness of her situation and asks "how many kings is that now? five? I've lost count", and it's a note from the commander guy asking for more men on The Wall again to deal with the White Walkers, but everyone but Tyrion dismisses it as superstitious Northern retardation and leaves
then back at boring central the Nights Watchmen are talking about how you fart when you die and one guy is saying when his mother passed she farted so hard she made the bed shake, brilliant, to be fair this really is how dumb men talk amongst themselves lmao, and they start to get tempted by all the daughterwives walking about and one of them tells a story about fucking his childhood friend much to the amazement of literal virgin neckbeard Sam who is sent away to get more potatoes, nice plot hole they didnt have potatoes in medieval europe, but on his way he hears a woman screaming as ghost, Jon's white direwolf, scaring one of the daughterwives because she's holding some meat and he goes to shoo him away and then gets flustered when she tells him he shouldn't touch her, aaaaah it's going to be Sam who gets in trouble trying to lose his v-card lmao, cant wait for this to turn into some 40 Year Old Virgin shenanigans of him trying to fuck these girls, then some wildlings, then a White Walker woman, then next thing we know Sam comes to Jon with this girl called Gilly who begs him to take her with them because she claims to be pregnant and if it's a boy... but she's too scared to explain what and runs off (I'm sure it's something edgy like he eats them) and Jon chews Sam out for being such a thirsty virgin trying to steal another mans woman but he defends m'lady's honor saying "she's a person not a goat!" and in classic TV fashion refuses to do something to close the scene so the tension is open for the next scene where he gives in or catches the other character doing it anyway
then just to blind me by cutting from a dark blue scene to a bright orange scene we find Dany is doing great at her first act as leader by bringing these starving slaves deep into the desert and Jorah is taking tiny sips from whats left of his water and hopefully rethinking his decision of being such an orbiter, and I notice an interesting thing that maybe is the actors real scar or something or make-up but it looks like someone tried to slit his throat at some point, and he notices... yep... one of the men she sent away's horse comes back, not sure a horse would know to do that without being specifically trained where to go... but it's not just that the guy died... his severed head is in a bag... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 26
and Jorah says it was probably one of the other Dothraki kings who don't like the idea of a woman leading a tribe and Dany says some edgy shit about how she'll get them, not really catching on that getting revenge as a leader is not exactly groundbreaking liberation talk in this setting and it'd make more sense for her character arc to NOT send her men into violent situations over pointless feuds but whatever, and the mans wife falls to her knees and cries that the butchered him like an animal and didn't give him a funeral pyre so cant be with the ancestors or whatever but Dany comforts her that they still can, somehow knowing the ins and outs of Dothraki culture after only spending like 9 months there than a woman who grew up in it all her life, good storyline that's definitely not dumb and retarded with Dany threatening revenge on kings with armies while she has like 20 starving slaves left
then back in Westeros we see Theon on a ship returning home to the iron isles or whatever and he sees his family's castle that's been built on three different tops of a cliff range over an ocean, don't think that would pass any health & safety checks
and he smiles that he's home but then his face drops when he remembers how awkward this shit is going to be, and then he goes into the boat where he's of course brought a prostitute (with some wonky triangle tits like iwascruel, must be cheap) and boasts about how hard places breed hard men who rule the world and she jokes that he'll rule the world soon then in reference to his le big boner but Theon the dickhead tells her to try smiling with her mouth clothed because the woman has some sliiiightly wonky teeth, fuck off Theon my teeth are way worse than hers and I know this is an American show so its illegal to show people without 100% white and straight to the nanometer teeth but in an actual medieval setting people would have rotting brown teeth falling out and shit even if they were rich cunts since dumb humans hadn't invented cleaning your teeth yet, and Theon undresses as this woman prattles on about how her father doesn't trust iron islanders and says they're all theivers and rapers and no matter how many women they have they'll never be sat- but Theon just jumps on her and rams his dick in, which I don't think anyone has ever done in real life once and need to use their hand but in magic TV land that's exclusively how people do it, and tells her to stop talking about her father lmao but says he was right, their wives are for breeding, but they also take "salt wives" they capture in war, and this relatively homely for the usual over the top attractive prostitutes on the show plays along with him to be his salt wife... to be taken ashore, which is her real angle as everyone has an ulterior motive in this show and she wants to live in a rich castle, but Theon says her place is on the ship, and she jokes that her father will call her a whore, and Theon just says well I haven't paid you and flips her over to do it doggy style and the woman goes cross-eyed, or was already cross-eyed lmao, as she realizes she slept with this guy for maybe not even money
and then we cut to, oh lordy, another sex scene where the new redhead cag Ros was training is riding a dude reverse cowgirl, and it's uh pretty realistic looking definitely looks like she's ontop of something between the guys legs lmao not sure how they pulled that off maybe just CGI'd a dick in the shadows
and then we see the guy in the robes I think from before is spying on the couple through a peep hole as he is getting his dick sucked by the girl who pretends to be Egyptian in the room next door...
but then spying on THEM is CIA peeping on them through another peep hole lmao, this seems like a good template for a meme video where it keeps cutting to reveal who's spying on a spy over and over again for minutes on end
but I guess is to build up the theme that even in this world of no electricity or communications technology there was still very little privacy guaranteed, and then a fat man comes in complaining to CIA that his girl started crying when he barely touched her and he calls over the fake Egyptian girl, who reminds me of Alice from the Zero Escape games who inexplicably dresses like an ancient Egyptian pharoh despite not liking people comparing her appearance to one, but before she comes around the corner he spots that SHE STILL HAS THE DUDES CUM ON HER LIP, so he stops her and wipes it off and then presents her to the dissatisfied customer who immediately starts french kissing her llllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss
and then he goes to see the crying cag, now if only I didn't have autism but... is this the woman who just saw her baby murdered in front of her? oh, no, she's upset because that was her friend, and maybe she witnessed it, and CIA says that was "poorly handled" and it seems like he tries his autistic incel best to comfort her by comparing her to another girl he pimped who'd cry often and he never new why, and in a rare use of score that starts grumbling he tells her that that meant she couldn't make money... and he hates bad investments, and she stops crying real fast remembering that this dude ain't her fucking friend and really does think of her as his property that's only there to bring good returns, and CIA keeps the edge going by saying a very wealthy patron paid him to let him..... transform..... the girl, to use her in ways that would never occur to most men, and he didn't succeed in making her happy, but his losses were defiantly mitigated... but then he stands up and acts friendly again telling her to take a night off to mourn the child, but he'll see her tomorrow... and she'll be happy, and she forces a smile as he leaves and then sighs at how shit her life is, pretty good scene to establish that CIA is a vindictive cunt to his girls too and not just to Starks since he's literally ye old friendzoned "nice guy", it's always hard to tell what shows like this are going for with having like 3 sex scenes in the space of like 10 seconds since I'm sure this is the most edgy thing possible to Americans, but LITERALLY only because it's being aired on their television set and they all jerk off to pornhub on their phone every night, but it's obviously not actually shocking to anyone who isn't a burgerbrain, but it is useful narratively to set up what a piece of shit CIA is that his is how he treats his girls and the juxtaposition of the more farcical comedic elements of the brothel of the voyeur being spied on himself and the girl getting cum wiped from her lips is a good contrast to how dark CIA abusing this poor woman is so I'll let them away with it... for now...
then we see Tyrion's new squire spilling his drink as he talks to some guy, who I guess is the new commander of the city guard, at a dinner table at his home, and he's inquiring about the "nasty business" in CIAs brothel, and the commander just says it had to be done, he was just following orders (yeah? well so was HITLER - credit to that joke goes to the movie The Nice Guys) and he starts getting uncomfortable, not because he just killed a fucking baby, but because he realizes the danger to himself as Tyrion starts dragging him into his family drama by pointing out it's obviously Cersei who ordered it and asking about the whole incest rumors, which he denies and insists he's loyal to Joffrey, and Tyrion keeps the pressure on him by asking if it was his order that killed Ned's men, and he gets defensive saying he deserved it for trying to buy his loyalty and pushing his buttons like its as easy as riding a bike (which I never learned to do) Tyrion winds him up by calling him already bought, and he snaps at him saying he wont have his honor questioned by an IMP, lmao, I wonder how Peter Dinklage feels playing a guy who gets called an imp constantly, probably better than people in real life calling him a dwarf or, somehow better, a Little Person™, and Tyrion basically just starts flaming the guy saying he's not questioning his honor.... just saying it doesn't exist, and when the guy stands up and starts shouting Tyrion just points out his bodyguard is standing right behind him and tells him he wont get the chance to betray him like he did the last Kings Hand, and this dude, who I guess is the leader of... the palace guard and not the city guard? I cant keep up, and Tyrion orders his own guards to take him to a boat to be stationed at The Wall, oh no, not the most boring storyline, too cruel, just cut out his eyes or something, and the guy is like wtf they're my men, but not anymore because Bronn is the new City Watch commander, who just smiles at him and then orders "boys" who drag him off screaming about how he has friends at court and the king himself made him a lord, but Tyrion knows Cersei isn't loyal to anyone and Joffrey doesn't give a fuck, and then after the amusement of getting just a bit of revenge for Ned wears off he asks Bronn what if he ordered him to murder a baby would he do it without question, and Bronn just goes "without question? no.... I'd ask how much!" lmao what a mercenary bastard, although in this world it seems like the people who say up front they're brutal killers are the ones hiding a softer side, like The Hound, and it's the people who pretend to be honerable that'll stab you in the back, like that dude that just got sent away, he defends his actions as necessary royal orders, but Tyrion seems to believe him and stops for pause as he considers the character of his new friend
then back on the road the fat bully kid and his skinny friend are discussing if they should turn off Gentry or stay and fight if the city guard come back, and Arya taunts them that they'd shit their pants in a real battle, and the fat kid boast that he saw a battle - and Arya calls liar - so he finishes, it was a man killing another man outside a tavern lmao, and the way this obese disingenuous british dope talks, looks and acts, you know who it reminds me of? he's like a younger version of James Corden lmao, who's the same sort of gratingly gormless oversized baby that could only find success by going to America to play the le wacky British guy role that John Oliver already does better (despite also being a cringemaster)
anyway the fat kid asks Arya what a dyers apprentice knows about battle, and she tells him, who I guess his name is Hot Pie lmao, to tell Gentry what he knows about battle, and he looks over and this big strapping lad who punked him out last time, and he awkwardly tells him that it's a battle if you're wearing armor, which a knight told him, who he knew was a knight because he was wearing armor, which is the kind of circular reasoning self-invented old-wives-tale that dipshits like this are still saying on the internet in [the current year] lmao, and Gentry tells him anyone can sell armor, which he knows as a blacksmiths apprentices, and Hot Pie realizes he's been had yet again and just leaves, and then Arya asks him what he's wanted for, and he tries to brush her off but she just keeps pestering him over and over again calling him a liar until he gives in and says two Kings Hands came to him and died shortly after and Arya realizes maybe this is what got her father killed and asks about who his parents are but he doesn't know anything himself yet and asks her if they're after her because... she's a girl! and she's like I-I'm not! and he's like "take your cock out and take a piss then" and she gives in and asks him not to tell anyone since he seems like the one honerable person in the world so reveals her identity to him and defends her fathers name and he realizes that he's just been talking about cocks and pissing in front of a highborn lady and genuinely apologizes as if he wouldn't want to upset someone not used to masculine vulgarity, but Arya loves it (masculine vulgarity, not cocks, you fucking pedo), and he teases her about not wanting to be called m'lady and Arya gets so triggered she shoves him over and runs away, huh maybe she is trans afterall
then we see Theon arriving ashore and he tries to tell the fishermen that he's the prince but no one believes him and he has to pay off a local to get him a horse, and then a woman, with a badass swagger and practical clothes that seem like she's from a different universe, comes up and offers to take him, and Theon, with his love for confident women, gives her the eye-up, but shes not easily impressed and teases him about being at sea for too long, and they banter back and fourth until he realizes she knows who he is, and he gets his own swagger back and cockily pays the local to bring his things up to the castle and then rides up there on the bitch-seat of his new love interests horse, inventing negging by telling her hes a much better rider than her and putting his hand in her shirt and coping a feel, and she just confidently tells him his blood will be in the sea if she doesn't watch where she's going as if she's used to handling aggressive men, and Theon puts his hand down her pants and starts grabbing her by the pussy which she just rolls with knowing he's a prince and looking up at his big ass castle
then we see Theon coming into his fathers living room who's sitting by the fire and he calls out, still hidden by his chair, that 9 years ago they took a scared but and asks what they gave back, and Theon, still looking scared lmao, declares "a man" but his father is like "we'll see, he had you longer than I did", which I guess makes Theon only 17 although maybe his father was absent a lot, and we see him turn around in his chair as he judgingly asks Theon how he feels about Ned's death, and Theon does a very bad job of hiding that he's affected by his surrogate fathers execution and claims "whats done is done" knowing thats the tough guy response his father wants, but his father bolts up out of the chair as he approaches and starts asking if Ned made him his daughter with those robes he's wearing and asks if he paid the iron price (fucking killing someone for it with an iron weapon, I guess a saying in the iron isles) or bought his necklace with his fine clothes with gold, and Theon, already completely shook by his father simply mocking his posh clothes, swallows and admits "gold" and his father just tears the necklace off, dropping his cloak, and says "I wont have my son dressed as a whore" and laments the Starks training him as their raven and talks down to him right back into his face when he calls Robb his brother, but Theon nuts up and tells him he never forgot his real brothers OR when his father was a king, and it's his father who gets shook now, and I guess respecting that Theon isn't a totally spineless gimp takes Robb's letter from him that promises that Robb will make him king of the Iron Islands again, I guess they're completely under Kings Landing control at the moment, and boasts that he'll lead their forces himself much to his fathers amusement, but then his new love interest comes strutting into the room and Theon is shocked to find she was let in past the guards and she just says "anything with a cock is easy to fool" and she walks up beside his father who holds her tight... and I'm thinking... it's actually his new step-mother? but no, I forgot what show I was watching, Theon realizes "Yara?!" and Yara goes "so good to see you.... BROTHER" LMAO THEON JUST FINGERED HIS SISTERS PUSSY!!!!!!! that's gonna have to be a big ol (one-handed) INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me lmao what a wacky prank for a sister to play on her brother h-heh w-would be pretty funny to be on the receiving end of that h-h-h-heh also I know Theon would fuck a direwolf if he saw it bending over but maybe he got hit by some of the ol Genetic Sexual Attraction, where if you meet a relative you don't recognize you can fall in love with them because you seem so similar or hell maybe he always wanted to fuck his sister and that's why he likes assertive women who can banter with him because that's what his sister was like growing up as a kid
and then Theon sees the smug look on his fathers face, presumably not knowing what she just tricked her own brother into doing, I guess just to demonstrate to him and maybe even her father what an easily manipulated unfit to lead oaf he is, and realizes "she cant lead the attack!" and he's like "why not?" and Theon snaps "YOU'RE A WOMAN!!!!!" lmao pretty feminist for a culture that encourages war time rape, and she tells him "you're the one in skirts" pointing to his fancy cloak, and his father tells him she's been captain of their fleet since his new father killed his old brothers and they both put their hands over their hearts and say "what is dead may never die" (reference to the White Walkers?) and Theon scrambles to remember to do their old custom as his father just walks off to burn the letter while bragging about what a good captain Yara is and how he'll pay the iron price for a crown as she looks smuggly at her brother and Theon just yells at him that he wont stand a chance against the Lannisters on his own, and he just says who said anything about the Lannisters, implying maybe he'll betray the Starks to them so he can have his revenge at who mostly BTFO him last time, so I guess it's the Starks who maintain most control over his islands, ironic what happens to Theon later when he's so concerned with his father considering him another royal family's trained pet...
then on a beach in some foreign land we see Davos is talking to... oh my god... its a n-... its a ni- oh sorry, pardon me, um, an actor of African descent, and he's trying to win over this guys support, but he says Stannis has the fewest men and the worst chance of victory, but Davos argues Stannis has proven himself in two wars and is the most honerable, and this guy is a pirate who taunts Davos for being a smuggler, which is I guess how they know each other, and Davos targets the guys vanity and greed by offering him the chances for a harder quarry than his usual, sacking the richest city in Westeros, and people will sing songs about him forever, but the pirate adds condition that... "I WANT THE QUEEN" and Davos is like "the Queen?" and this.... n-... ni-.... nincompoop says "Cersei, I want her" and he agrees to lend him all 30 of his ships and if they make it "I will fuck this blonde queen and I will fuck her well"oh no no no no onNONONONONONONONOICANTHOLDITBACKANYMORE
KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKING RAPING MONKEY HANDS AWAY FROM MY WAIFU YOU FUCKING SUBHUMAN
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RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6.../WhiteBear.jpg
oh sorry that just slipped out of me I guess I just wasn't expecting this to turn into a more racially stereotypical scene than a blacked.com video, and Davos assistant tells him "this isn't about you, we're not invading Kings Landing so you can rape the queen", and this lovely nubian gentleman tells him "I'm not going to rape her, I'm going to fuck her" and the white guy goes "as if she'd just let you?" and the pirate goes "you don't know how persuasive I am... I never tried to fuck you!" and lunges at the mans genitals and suddenly its turned into Poor Little White Guy In The Hood 7: Mainland BBC For The Tight Westeros Boy Hole
as this guy backs the fuck up real fast and Davos just looks at him like watcha gonna do about it bitch, and this kid tells him they fight for Stannis, the Lord of Light for the one true god, and the pirate just mocks him that he's been all over the world with people telling him about their one true gods, but to him... "the one true god is whats between a woman's legs, and better yet, a queens legs" and the kid just walks off fed up and the pirate mocks, oh, Davos son, for being a true believer as his father promises him the gold, glory, but not the queen, and the pirate seriouses up and asks if his man can really win, and Davos vouches for Stannis, and the pirate laughs that Westeros men are weird, a man cuts off his fingers and you fall in love, and Davos offers him a.. gloved hand, to shake on, so I guess he was caught smuggling on Stannis land or something and he ended up working for him, and the pirate swaggers off past the flinching son smiling at how shook this lil white boi is of the BBC, ah truly a great use of our first black actor, have him ranting about raping a white woman and then threatening to rape a young white man, good stuff HBO, and they call me the racist, and then Davos has to put up with his son trying to convert him to him and his mothers religion of the one true god, Allah of course, and his father says he respects him, but he's seen too many men;s prayers gone unanswered to have a faith himself and implies he's only ever relied on himself to come home from sea not praying to some god, but his son says he was, and his dad says if he wants him to have a god then his god is Stannis who let his son learn how to read and will be a knight some day and his son says he's just a king but Davos says don't tell him that and rides off, well that was an oddly modern-ish conversation about religion, you'd think back then everyone would have a faith or keep their mouth shut about it because you might get it staved in for disrespecting someones gods and a father wouldn't want to talk that way to his son in case he convinces him and it ends up getting his lad killed, funny that everyone's under the Red Lady's thrall other than him but he just knows to keep his mouth shut about it since he knows its working in his kings favor, I'm sure some edgy shit will happen where the Red Lady forces him to pray to spare his sons life and then kills him anyway or something, anyway I wonder if we'll see this dude again I know this is the ancient times of 2012 but it's weird to watch a show with only white people in it other than the Dany scenes which again feel like another series, show needs more hot black girls is what I'm getting at
then we see Cersei chewing Tyrion out, unfortunately not like that, about firing the leader of the city guard but Tyrion warns her she's losing the people over the whole "murdering children in public" thing and she just laughs and says she doesn't care about the people, and he tries to sell it to her as the practical notion of it being hard to rule over a million people who want her dead especially with le winter coming and she just gave them their rallying cry of "the queen kills babies" and she tries to keep smiling to pretend she doesn't care but cant keep it up as she knows he's right and gets shook and walks to the window and Tyrion realizes there's something wrong here since she's usually so shameless but he realizes "it wasn't you who gave the order, was it?" and realizes "Joffrey didn't even tell you... did he tell you? I imagine that would be even worse" but heeeere were we get to the defensiveness when he questions his nephew she rants "that's what ruling is, sleeping on a bed of weeds and ripping them out one by one before they strangle you in your sleep" and when he gives a meme quip about it she starts crying about how he nor Jaime never took leadership seriously, I guess because they have le male privilege of not having to fight tooth and nail to keep themselves from getting raped never mind have any power in this world and can just go around their lives as princes without being married off to a drunk wife beater and have to fuck your own brother, and she sits down lamenting how "it's all fallen on me" in a rare moment of genuine emotional vulnerability hoping that Tyrion, the closest thing to a good person in her family, will console her, but there's a fantastic take from Peter Dinkledge here where he quickly looks away as if panicking and having no idea what to do with any woman being emotionally vulnerable to him after what his brother and father put him through never mind his usually ice cold bitch queen sister and he defaults on his usual manipulative taunting behavoir and says "as has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon" lmao
which I'm sure he already knew years ago, and looks up at her as if he's ashamed of himself for failing to rise to the challenge of comforting her and just being a manipulator as always, ashamed of Jaime for doing that, ashamed of her for asking for comfort from him after all she's done and ashamed of his whole fucked up miserable evil family, and sits there with his eyes watering, and Cersei just stares at the table in silence like she deserves that response instead of any decency, and then cringes as she says "you're funny, you've always been funny" as if she can barely find her words she's so upset, but then she feels angry, and as if that's the only thing that makes her shit life have any direction, she can suddenly find her words real fucking well and tells him "but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they?" as she stares at him with malice and goes on "you remember? back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?" and Tyrion looks like hes about to cry and is leaning so far away from her like he wants to run away from what she's saying and is about to say he's about to fall off his chair and says "she was my mother too" as if this is the only way their fucked up relationship can be honest, emotionally abusing each other like usual but just not hiding how hurt they are by it, and Cersei looks at him with disgust and says "mother gone... for the sake of you" and Tyrion clenches his jaw as if he's ready for the sentence that'll keep him awake at night for the rest of his life as his sister says "there's no bigger joke in the world than that"
and then just stares at him like there's nothing else to their relationship than trading suffering back and fourth and then walks out the door not even bothering to close it and Tyrion just sits there like there's no point in thinking up some witty retort or scheme to get even when all that shit he does with other people is just a coping mechanism to avoid facing what only Cersei can just say to his face, damn what a dank-ass scene, cant believe such amazing writing and acting is taking place in the same show as the Dany storyline lmao
then at Stannis HQ Davos and his son are playing with their really cool table top RPG play set putting the BBC pirates boats into play when Stannis walks in with the Red Lady to get the good news but Stannis considers pirates dishonerable but Davos assures him he's got the sniff of gold, and Stannis does the "leave us" meme on Davos and his boy to stay with the Red Lady, who stops the son and gives him a blessing and whispers something secret and sensually in his ear until his uncomfortable father calls him away, and Stannis asks what she told the lad and she says "death by fire is the purest death" wow thanks for the nice life advice lady, and Stannis stares at her wide-eyed like he's not one for hiding his reactions and thinks she's insane so she starts buttering him up as the prophesied Lord of Light and he, clearly not being a believer, tells her to tell her lord to burn his enemies then because his little brother already has 100K men and he cant take Kings Landing without them, and the Red Lady tempts him to find faith, and Stannis just growls "I've said the words damn ya!" as if that's what he thinks the extent of religious devotion is, meerely preformative, but she smiles at him seeing his ignorance as a sign he'll be easier to brainwash and she tells him he must give over himself and... lets her dress fall open to show him her breasts, and Stannis walks away saying "I have a wife, I took a vow" almost as if he's complaining about it, but is too honerable not to remember it, and the Red Lady comes closer to him with her pubic hair exposed and gives some exposition that his wife is sickly to the point of disgusting him and that she's not given him any sons only stillborns and she holds him and promises to give him a son, knowing that's what really tempts him, and he's enchanted... and gives in, and takes her robe all the way off and starts kissing her and then... tosses her on his RPG table and starts fucking her as all the pieces topple over, wtf those warhammer figurines take hours to paint!, as if he's fucking Westeros itself and this will topple over all the currently established powers or some such kino
then back at boring central we see Jon noticing the patriarch guy creeping through the dusk holding a baby so he follows after him into the snowy tundra to find... nothing... there's noone there... but then he hears some weird sounds in the woods... and sees the patriarch guy leaving... empty handed... and he hears the baby crying so takes out his sword and runs towards it and starts hearing creepy sounds all around him until he spots the baby left in the woods but then sees... A WHITE WALKER PICKING UP THE GUYS GRANDSON/SON...
BUT THEN THE INCEST GUY APPEARS BEHIND JON AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!!!! ok that was actually a cool reveal, with the non-stop edge I just assumed the hints at fowl play were just, youknow, the usual fowl fowl play where he cuts their dicks off and raises them as more daughters or some sick fetish shit not something to actually, god forbid, do with the plot, this is a Jon Snow storyline after all, I'm guessing what's going on here is the White Walkers cant reproduce naturally and need dead humans to reanimate to multiply so this guy made a bargain that if they spare him and his daughters/wives he'll let them have his sons to convert, although maybe if White Walkers don't age at all they raise the baby human amongst them until their at their physical prime to kill them and reanimate them so they don't have some retarded zombie baby that's useless, well that was a good episode, mostly because it had fuck all Dany and loads of good stuff with Cersei and some aaaah uhhhh interesting development with Theon and his family
Game of Thrones 2x03: "What Is Dead May Never Die" I am no man! special edition
First aired: April 15, 2012
then like all TV show cliffhangers we're not going to be able to address the information brought up last time right away of course as the patriarch guy throws Jon into his cabin and demands the lord commander guy take his men and leave and the commander tells Jon to fuck off who doesn't just blurt out "he gives his sons to the white walkers" and sulks out like a cuckold but afterwards when the lord commander talks to him it turns out he already knows because "wildlings serve crueller gods than you or I", although it doesn't seem he knows about the White Walker aspect, which maybe Jon should fucking say, and the Nights Watchmen put up with it because he's their only safe refuge beyond The Wall, and Jon fiiiiinally mentions he saw a creature taking the child, but not saying it's a White Walker that he's already seen for no reason, and the commander says some creepy shit about how he'll probably see it again, then later Sam is talking to Gilly in secret, or as much secret as a man of his size can have sneaking around in public, and he's such an orbiter he gives her a gift of his mothers thimble promising to come back since the most female attention he's ever gotten in his life is from this sex slave that gets raped by her dad
then back at Winterfell the teacher guy sends le ebin Hodor man to rouse Bran for his lessons and Bran wakes up with his direwolf ontop of him staring into his eyes as if it can tell he's having the dream where he's a wolf
and he tells his teacher he thinks he might be a legend his nan told him about being able to see through animals eyes but he tells him it's just a myth, and then he shows him that he has a link of valaryan steel on the chains all "maesters" have around them like the old ass guy in Kingslanding which I guess are like their qualifications of what they've studied because he says this one indicates he "studied the higher mysteries", which is maybe like their version of physics or something, and admits he tried to practice magic spells because he, like any other young boy, wished he could have special powers, but he never got anything from it, and even if magic was real thousands of years ago with dragons and giants and the "children of the forest", they aren't around any longer, which is an interesting take on the fantasy genre to maybe keep it more realistic where "back then" people really did take religion at face value and worry about what other supernatural things were real but in this case it actually was and can still exist rarely, although I still think it's still a bit daft that in this world it actually is real and someone as smart and studied as this guy hasn't heard that no there really is witches and White Walkers and shit since information travels by crows so fast in this world, idk what the fuck GRRM was thinking really not having it being entirely alternate history since that's clearly the theme he's going for and the content that actually does have shit like dragons and zombies in it feels like an entirely different show, I get that later on he treats dragons like WMDs sort of with the way Dany uses them in battle and as a deterrent and the White Walkers are sort of a metaphor for how groups of humans think of their enemies as simultaneously as mindless animals but also terrifyingly powerful attackers but it doesn't really work to say anything when that's actually what they are within the canon rofl
then we finally see what the gay brother is up to with his glorious army, which is having fighting tournaments for the amusement of himself and I guess his wife he's in the closet or bi with and she's played by Natalie Dormer who I've seen in a lot of other things, she was good as SPOILER WARNING FOR ELEMENTARY Moriarty and probably the best thing about the extremely pretentious Picnic at Hanging Rock, and she's doing a good acting meme of breathing hard as she gets all excited from watching these men fight, hopefully a sexual excitement, and when Cat arrives she watches the fight looking like wtf are these dumbasses doing fighting each other, and Dormer's character gets so hyped she stands up and starts cheering on the winner who's annihilating the other guy and with a mace and manages to pin him down with a blade to him until he yields, and when the would-be king tells the victor to remove his helmet... its actually... A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and the crowd gasps and the loser looks humiliated but Dormer defends her brothers attempts to fight for the kings honor, and the gay dude, whats his name Renly? gives this Brienne of Tarth anything she wishes, who I'll just call Brie for short, who speaking of short or not is played by Gwendoline Christie who's a big girl for you at 6 foot 3 inches which is huge for most of the manlet actors in hollywood, I've only seen her in the new Star Wars movie where the press built her up as this new badass villain when she's in like 3 scenes total and does nothing but get humiliated by the black dude the two times they meet lmao but I have a feeling I'm gonna like this character I really like how every group has their designated like super badass soldier, like The Hound seems to be Joffrey's bodyguard, the Mountain is Tywin's main enforcer, I think Bronn worked for the Starks until Tyrion hired him, and it seems like Renly's is going to be this lady which is dank and right up my alley, and her request is a place on his kingsguard, to be one of his seven bodyguards, and the crowd is shocked that a woman would request such a role, and the loser looks at Renly like come on dude... nepotism and all that... wtf... but Renly ACCEPTS and makes her one of his personal guards, very feminist of him, bravo, usually I'd nitpick about a woman fighter in such a grounded setting but for once they actually did cast a woman's that's actually physically imposing who probably could have the leverage and weight to throw average men around and not like 90lbs Summer Glau in Firefly or whatever dumb anime shit so bravo, and one of his men introduces Cat and Renly introduces his wife Margery of house Tyrell and idk if Dorner, who for some reason has a permanent smirk on her face that might be the issue, is just a bad actress or not but she unconvincingly says she's sorry for her loss, maybe it's that the character is a sociopath and doesn't give a shit but knows she's meant to act polite to stay the queen, or maybe Dorner's wonky mouth just makes her look smug at all times lmao
and Cat seems to be able to tell she's disingenuous but just says she's most kind and then Renly promises he'll bring her Joffrey's head and his men all cheer and Margery looks around at smiles at how riled up the men are as if she gets turned on sitting right next to one of the most powerful men in the realm and Brie tells Cat he should kneel when talking to the king getting right into her new job and the dude she defeated gets uppity and starts saying Robb should come down himself and Cat just snaps "my son is fighting a war, not playing at one" and the guy gets some snickers against him and he looks btfo yet again and Renly just smiles like he remembers how feisty she is and goes off to talk to her and Margery looks off not smug looking for once as if she's intimidated by another strong willed woman having influence over Renly and Renly walks Cat through his army and stops to ask a man if his foot is alright because he seems to have gotten stepped on by his horse and it seems like Renly genuinely cares for his people, or at least doesn't mind seeming to for PR, which is at least better than every other leader who are harsh to their people or don't give a fuck one way or another like Cersei, and Cat makes a comment about his Knight of Flowers, I guess that was the guy getting beaten up by Brie, god I cannot tell these people apart, so Renly is having an affair with his wife's brother? top fucking kek, also a kek that this pretty boy guys main role in the show is to get his ass beat by people far larger than him, and Cat warns him that having men like that aren't hard enough, and Renly takes a bit of offence of her talking down about his lover but tries to hide it since he's a homeboy on the downlow and tells Brie to take Cat to her tent, and she talks to her about how she's willing to die for Renly, it seems just because she desires to be a soldier rather than having such conviction for a guy who's only just staked a claim to the throne and she's only just met a minute ago, on the battlefield and not to call her a lady, and Cat smiles as if it's nice to see a woman so self-assured and getting what she wants for once in this fucked up world, but then her face drops as if she remembers oh yeah, this ain't no fucking fairytale and all that'll be good for is getting her stabbed in death so some rich cunts can get richer, which about sums up women wanting to be in combat roles in real life, like if I fucking hated women (more than I already do) that's what I'd advocate for, women getting their brains blown out and getting PTSD from getting their limbs torn off, seeing their friends die and killing poor brown people who's homes they're invading, just a wee bit of intel for any feminists retarded enough to support that that's a fucking good thing you're not equal to men for, being conscripted (which america still has for men and you literally have to sign up for a draft in america and all americans tell me lol wtf you on about but then if I say the magic buzzwords of "selective service" and they all instantly admit to signing up) to die in a fucking war is the worst thing about being a man and wanting that for women is like saying more women need to hang themselves to get equal with men's suicide rates or something
then we see Theon walking into the dark shitty looking dinner room when Yara comes in and he gets extremely triggered and yells WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! and she says smugly "I live here" yeah your sister living with your father what a weird turn of events Theon, I think he's feeling a bit of the ol sexual violation since his own sister baited him into fingering her lmao, and she asks if he's angry, and he snaps YOU LYING BITCH!, and she just says "its not my fault you didn't recognize me" obviously the right course of action here is to rape her so you're even, and Theon screams that last time he saw her she looked like "a fat little boy" and Yara says she didn't tell him because she "wanted to see who you were first... and I did" and laughs at him did they actually full on fuck off-screen before he went to meet his dad or something lis and speak of the devil their father storms in to some maps on the table and declares while "the wolf pup" is distracted fighting the lion down south with all his men they can take the North and eventually even Winterfell will bow to them and Theon bricks it realizing his father's going to stab Robb in the back and tentatively asks what his role is and his father gives him one ship, "the sea bitch" to fight fishermen, while Yara gets 30 lol, and Robb starts insisting he knows Robb's men and they wont give up and he knows more about war than Yara since he's a proven warrior but his dad basically calls him a traitor for protecting the men who killed his brothers and Theon realizes he's on thin ice and tries to argue logically that if they ally with the North they would just give them Castle Rock wherever that is, but his dad is a diehard Ironborn ideologist who says "we do not sow, we take" (yeah probably why you live in a barren cold dark dank wet shithole where everyone is an asshole), and Theon, seemingly still loyal to Robb since they are actually nice to him and don't belittle or sexually molest him, tries the angle of whining like a bitch that he didn't choose to go with the Starks they stole him when his father bent the knee to King Robert and THEON'S DAD SLAPS HIM SO HARD HE GOES FLYING BACK ACROSS THE ROOM INTO A TABLE LMAO and Theon declares/reveals "you gave me away! your last boy! and now you curse me because I've come home!" and his dad just looks sad and storms off, and Yara gets triggered and calls him out for having another family and tells him he better choose and angstily storms off herself while Theon stands there looking like he's about to cry for having to make such a tough decision, he might be one of the more dumber characters and on the surface just le obnoxious womanizer but he's actually a pretty interesting character with how insecure he is in a very immature overcompensating sort of way and I like that he's clearly extremely bothered by his sister tricking him into fingering her since usually mainstream media depict men being sexually abused as just le wacky misunderstanding, not a big deal because they all want it at all times or just deserts for their own prior sexual misdeeds and Theon being such a lecherous fuckboy himself is prime fodder for such Ameridogshit tropes but Yara's clearly in the wrong here and it was used to build up what a nasty person she is and what an uncomfortable experience Theon is having, very woke, bravo
then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's cag is bored because he wont let her leave his room as he's sitting at his desk reading letters but he warns her that his sister is triggered at him and would love to find a weakness to use against him and she gets triggered at being called a weakness but Tyrion tries to explain it's a compliment but she wont accept it since even someone as manipulative as Tyrion cant keep a roastie from getting toastie
then we see Cersei having an awkwardly quiet dinner with Sansa and her two younger children and the sadly innocent young girl asks when the wedding is, and Cersei says after the war, and all the little girl cares about is she'll get a new dress, and Sansa looks at this little girl like Cersei looked at Sansa before Joffrey showed her her fathers head as if she's sad looking at this young girl who's only worries in the world are silly things like fashion that used to be her, except that used to be Sansa like literally a week ago, and she tries to talk to Sansa about her dress but that sort of thing is completely gone from brain, and Cersei spots an opportunity to be a cunt and tells her The Princess just spoke to her, and Sansa struggles to collect herself to say pardon Your Grace and then tells the little girl how much she's looking forward to the wedding as her eyes well up with tears, and Cersei just looks at her like she's glad she's beginning to understand how fucking shit being a queen is and is glad someone else is suffering other than her who's just been hit in the face with what a monster Joffrey is and how literally no one in her life loves her not even the pathetic midget but the longer she stares the less satisfying it is as if she's realized she's just angry at a past version of herself and looks away after maddogging her and the little boy innocently asks if his brother will kill her brother as if all this talk of war is just an interesting bed time story to him and Cersei just sits back and casually says "he might, would you like that?", and Sansa awkwardly sips her drink, but the little boy who hasnt been as fucked in the head yet as Joffrey says "no I wouldn't" and Cersei gets triggered again probably reminded of what a shit Joffrey is in comparison and tells them Sansa will marry him even if he does while smiling at her condescendingly, Lena Heady is such a good actress holy fug
then we get some kino where Sansa looks in a blurry mirror at her reflection as if she's realizing how much of herself she's losing by playing along with this in the name of survival and revenge and wondering if it's worth it, and she gets interrupted from her twilight-esque brooding by... Tyrion's cag who says she's her new handmaiden, who he told he'd get her a job in a kitchen to have something to do but I guess this is his better idea, and Sansa seems super distrustful at first as if she's just someone Cersei sent to get close to her, and Sansa, as if continuing this fucked up cycle of toxic femininity tells her through watering eyes to stop waiting for orders and do things on her own accord, and when this dumb thot goes to get a hairbrush Sansa glares at her like it's so easier to just consider her poor trash she doesn't have to burden herself with relating to and starts ordering her to clean and ranting at her about how it's not her place to show her how to do her job and changes her mind and makes her brush her hair I assume like her mother used to do as she wants some comfort afterall
then we see Tyrion meeting the old-ass measter guy handing him some blue potion because he is suffering from constipation, which he says is probably from stress, and Tyrion asks this dude, Pycelle, if he can keep a secret, and he says to the grave, and he reveals his plan to arrange a marriage for Marcella to some royal family on the mainland in Dorn so they can use their army if they need to but when he turns around Varys is sitting there, and for a split second I thought the old man had turned into Varys or something like Varys was such a master of disguise he could turn into the old man or hypnotize Tyrion into thinking he was him or some shit
but it's just Tyrion telling this same bit of ye olde Fake News™ to everyone else on the counsel as a test to see who leaks it to Cersei first to see who he can trust, a very smart almost Death Note-esque gambit, and reminds me of notoriously sociopathic streamer Destiny saying he does shit like this to see who'll leak bits of made-up and specific to them personal trivia, and Varys plays it like he just loves a bit of gossip as he hears Tyrion telling him he's going to marry the princess off to... Theon! so yeah, its specific to each person so he can see which specific one leakead or not, I bet Destiny stole it from this scene lmao, although it's risky with guys as smart as these because if they speak to each other and figure out what you're doing they could ruse you back, and Varys points out that that's daft as he's a ward of Winterfell and Theon tells a tall tale about how he plans to get Theon on their side with this marriage and have him destroy the Starks from within as their mole
then we cut to CIA that he's going to marry off Myrcella to... Robin Arryn of the Vale, who I am pretty sure was the little shit prince who tried to throw him down the well last season, and Tyrion quips about how he's not on the best of terms with his mother but maybe a royal match will convince her to let bygones be bygones, and CIA wonders why he'd be so forgiving to a woman who tried to have him killed, and Tyrion, knowing just how to take a jab at CIA who we finally get to see him mentally spar with, says holding a grudge is an encumbrance for men in their position, and CIA just smirks like he's a cheeky wee cunt and offers his assistance in convincing the queen to marry off her son to his niece but unlike the other two who's strengths come from seeming like harmless confidantes CIA of course asks "whats in it for me?" and Tyrion spins another tall tale about ending the war, gaining back control of the vale and something called Harrenhal, I guess that's the name of that crazy castle carved into the mountain, which CIA claims is cursed, and Tyrion says he can tear it down once he's Lord of the Riverlands, and CIA looks like just jizzed his pants from the temptations of such power but claims Tyrion fucked over the last guy he promised that title, and Tyrion knows how much CIA appreciates a callously utilitarian business arrangement and just says he didn't need him, but he needs CIA, who doesn't say anything back, the closest thing he gets to giving genuine aproval, and Tyrion just reminds him... the queen mustn't know, and CIA looks on after him like he's having a moment of weakness like he should think twice but has such longong for more power, heheheheheh good scene
then we cut to some gay porn of Renly making out with his fucking brother-in-law in bed and taking his shirt off, wonder if his wife wonders why he shaves all his body hair lmao, and then when he takes his lovers shirt off he notices all the bruises he got from Brie's flail and teases him about it and kisses his bruises playfully, but the prettyboy isn't feeling it and gets annoyed since he's still butthurt about losing to a woman and starts bitching to Renly for humiliating him by appointing her kingsguard, and he calls him out as jealous, but the prettyboy calls her condescendingly Brieanne the Beuty as if no one finds a female lanklet attractive and when Renly tries to "make it up to him" by giving him le succ the prettyboy turns him down and tells him bitchily that there's another Tyrell who needs his attention, I guess suggesting he go bust a nut with his wife instead because they need to keep their fathers aproval and starts to leave, and when Renly grabs him to start kissing him again the prettyboy, who probably isn't that into him (or Cersei) and just wants special friends in special places, shoes him off and tells him his vassals are starting to snigger behind his back because "brides aren't usually virgins two weeks after their wedding night" (not sure how his men know that but ok, I know in some shitholes in the middle east in the modern day the parents demand to see the marital bed sheets to see the blood from their daughters hymen getting popped lmao and since this is fucking retarded and doesn't happen every time if you're a virgin and might happen if you're not since the entire islamic faith is like something written by an incel who's never talked to a woman before some couples have to buy a chicken to cut up and put its blood on the sheets to keep their familys happy) so I guess Renly is mostly on the gay side and Renly just snorts "and Margery is a virgin?" and the prettyboy just says "officially, shall I bring her to you?" and storms off, which makes it sound like he has to seduce her into fucking her husband or something but I guess he's just going to summon her
and then we see Renly downing a glass of alcohol to try to cope with having to fuck a woman, and he warns her he's had a bit of wine, I supposed to try and excuse away any trouble getting hard as ye ole whisky dick, and then he awkwardly stares at her and tells her she looks very beautiful, and MARGERY GETS HER TITS OUT with that obnoxious smirk on her face that makes it hard to tell if that's just her all the time or if she's onto the fact that he's gay and just doing this for political reasons too or might even get off on the fact that she can even bed a gay man or maybe even getting a sadistic thrill out of how uncomfortable he is, >tfw not gay so women with a fetish for reverse corrective rape will never rape you
and she starts making out with him as he prattles on awkwardly about inner beuty but she shuts him up and he just stares ahead like oh fuck here we go and when she puts her hand down to his benis he excuses it as the wine as if that's what he planned ahead for and he just closes his eyes as if he's imagining his lover as she kisses him and tries to stroke him hard but it's not working and he says sorry and goes to leave but yep there we go she says DO YOU WANT MY BROTHER TO COME IN AND GET YOU STARTED? I KNOW HE WOULDN'T MIND, OR I COULD TURN OVER AND YOU CAN PRETEND I'M HIM lmao thought so and Renly, with the immense pressures of 1) being gay in a time where there's at least casual homophobia never mind what the law is 2) needing to command the respect of an army as a badass man of war and 3) keep their father who presumably wouldn't like that he's cheating on his daughter with his son lmao on his side, gets all shook and pretends to not know what shes on about, and she just smiles to herself, I think, as if it's good news to her he's so paranoid about being found out because it'll make him easier to manipulate, and tells him they don't need to play games together, he needs to save his lies for court as if this is just the regular business of power, and she sits down and comforts him almost more like a friend rubbing his shoulders and tells him they need to have a baby to bind their family's together but they can try again later and its totally up to him how they do it, with her brother or without, if he wants, and reassures him caringly that he's the king and kisses him platonically like a sister on the cheek, like her main goal is to just cement herself in power, and she's probably right, her brother seems like he's up for anything sexual as long as it benefits him, hell maybe they even worked together to plan this arrangement, where she's his wife in public but to make sure he's really loyal to their family he's his lover in private since they realized he was a homeboy on the downlow or something, good scene and I like this new character and this is a pretty good "closet gay" storyline which are usually overwrought cringefests from being set in the modern day where it doesn't really matter at all if you're gay anymore and even if your family hates you then fuck em probably weren't doing you any good to stick around them already but this dude has everything to lose if this gets out
then we see Tyrion walking in on Cersei and he realizes his cunning masterplan has already succeeded as she is crying and starts ranting to him calling him a monster for wanting to "marry off Myrcella like a common whore" as if he's only doing this to emotionally abuse her knowing arranged marriages are a soft spot for her and Tyrion just plays along justifying his supposed arrangements waiting for her to drop the name of which of the three pretend-suitors and there we go, she says she wont let him ship her off to DORNE like she was to Robert Baratheon, so it's the old ass maestro who's name I forget that was the untrustworthy one, or at least, fastest to be distrustful as he was the first to tell her, would be awkward of then CIA or Varys came to her and gave another name and she caught onto what happened, wouldn't put it past either of them to catch on to Tyrion's scheme and do that just to fuck with him, also fitting it was the old man since he seemed like he was under CIAs pressure to throw Varys under the bus to Ned last season, unless it was him that poisoned the last (last) Kings Hand afterall or some shit, he definitely seems to have a speciality in medicine, and Tyrion plays along defending his "decision" to marry her off to Dorne as Cersei has a fucking fit about him trying to use her daughter as a hostage (projecting what she's doing with Sansa) and start threatening Tyrion, who looks at her like go on bitch try it, and she tells him "Ned Stark had a piece of paper too" showing just what she does to Kings Hands that fuck with her family, and Tyrion just smiles like it's too easy, and he keeps pushing her to see how far he can take it by saying it's already done, and Cersei throws some glasses off the table in a tanty rage and Tyrion the little shit digs the knife in deeper saying she'll be safer in Dorne, she wont be raped or butchered like the Targaryen children if the city falls, and she rages so much she actually shoves Tyrion back onto the steps and screams in his face to get out, and sits down with her head in her hand as if her life is just one big nightmare, that's why Cersei is such a good character, any other evil queen archetype is just a cunt for no reason other than selfishness, but everything Cersei does is in direct response to the suffering of her circumstances and, ironically unlike many male anti-heroes who use this excuse that retarded audience members believe, actually to protect her children
then we see Theon reading a letter by candle light and I must have to turn in my whitey card because I cant read this fucking cursive but I think its a letter to Robb he wrote warning him of his fathers intentions but the little prick starts burning it as if he's sided with his father or maybe figures the best chance for the Starks to get out of this unscathed is to stay as a mole on his fathers side and actually do Tyrion's fictional plan for him which would be a neat twist but I think Theon's just a insecure twat who'll do whatever he thinks will make him a Real Man™ and there's a kino shot of him sitting in the blackness with the burning letter as if the darkness is consuming him or perhaps the ink, since his family's sigil is a squid, from his fathers influence is surrounding him then the next morning on a beach his father and sister look on as he swears an oath to some priest to their religion of the Drowned God which involves him kneeling as this priest gives some poetic words about how what is dead can never die and having sea water poured over his head like a baptism, huh, I thought I read somewhere it involved literally drowning him in the sea and then reviving him, maybe they gave him the baby version since he's such a pussy
then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's wacky prank is playing itself out as CIA marches in on him and snarls I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING MADE A FOOL OF, DWARF! as he's clocked that the princess cant marry the autistic zoomer prince if she's to be married to Dorne since they aint no muslims bruv, wait its multiple wives they have nvm scratch that g1, and Tyrion doesnt even bother to hide it and just apologizes and he clearly got CIA by the cock there as he's still thirsty to own that queens castle and land and Tyrion just smiles at how easy his greed was used against him and says sorry for that too and CIA warns him to leave him out of his next deception but Tyrion, seemingly using this scheme to get intel on all four of these peoples motivations, sensing how emotionally thinking and evidently greedy CIA is, actually invites him into his next deception to release Jaime, and CIA mocks him that Robb will never release the Kingslayer, and Tyrion drops the bait smiling that CIA's so easy to play with this angle, that no, but Cat might, and CIA licks his lips as if he's literally about to chomp down on some bait when Bronn comes in having found the old man who "had some company" with him that he'd "hate to interrupt", but Tyrion calls him out that he doesn't, and Bronn just admits he doesn't and walks off to do so as if he was just joking and doesn't actually give a fuck about being courteous one way or another, and CIA looks at Tyrion like whats the little shit up to now who just smiles back at him as if he's lucky he wasn't the first one to spill the beans to Cersei, and maybe he never did considering Cersei was probably bitching to other people about the Dorne plan which he'd inevitably hear, going to be interesting to see what Varys thinks of all this, would be dank if he knew all along and used it to play the old man by going to him first, getting him to spill what Tyrion told him... and then telling Cersei the old man's false info to fuck him over
then we cut to Bronn and another big lad kicking in the old mans door as he lays in bed with a cag and he begs Tyrion for mercy swearing it wasnt him that spilled the beans it must have been Varys but Tyrion explains his ruse that he told Varys he was giving the princess to the Greyjoys... and Littlefinger to the zoomer prince... and no one to the Dornish... other than him, as he intimidatingly plays with what looks like ye olde cigar cutter as if he's going to use it to cut off his dick or something knowing this show, aaaaah yes there we go, he tells his men to cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats, a threat he picked up from his old forest savage friends, and as the old man starts panicking Bronn just laughs at him as the other big lad, probably playing up the dumb oaf act to scare the easily flustered senior citizen, that there aren't any goats around, and seeing his will already crumbled Tyrion asks how long he's been spying for his sister, and he swears he's only loyal to the Lannister family, but Tyrion's not buying it, so he orders Bronn to cut off his... beard, much to his distress, and then asks how many hands he's betrayed, and he stutters out an explanation that the last last Hand was going to tell King Robert about the Queen (fucking her brother), and Tyrion accuses him of poisoning the Hand, and he swears he didn't, which he seems to buy, but can tell he still had something to do with it, and accuses him of hastening his death and then orders the mewling old man to be thrown in one of the black cells which he finds extremely distressing and Tyrion just leaves a coin for the terrified whore who had to sit through all that in the background breathing and panting in fear and as Tyrion notes how curiously strong the old man is when suddenly fighting back against his men he gives the cag another coin and she calms down, almost as if she was just pretending to be more shook than she was to try and get compensation/hush money and wondering about if the old man was playing possum it made him realize the whore probably was too, dank shit I love Tyrion and his little Cold War-esque schemes, manlet pride brother
and then we see Tyrion drinking and the camera pans over to show... Varys, in a scene that comes across as very intimite from it's lack of establishing or wide shots like most discussion scenes on this show, who seems to have caught on more than enough to what Tyrion's pulled off and congratulates him but asks if he should be worried what with Tyrion already getting rid of the head of the City Watch and not so poor old Pycelle, "the small counsel grows smaller every day" he says with a cheeky intonation as if less competition is fine by him, and Tyrion just says he's not intending to follow Ned's path, and then Varys tells him a riddle... "a king, a priest and a rich man... between them stands a commmon sellsword and each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two... who lives... who dies?"(my guess? the sellsword is the one who dies because all three powerful men, who despite being enemies, can all agree they cant risk a mercenary of indeterminate loyalty in their presence, and have him killed, and the point of the story is Varys is basically warning Tyrion that you don't want to expose yourself as a threat to those in power, because no matter their type of power, they keep it by being ruthless to the less powerful) and Tyrion says "depends on the sellsword", which I took to mean it depends on his personality, who's decisions he'd be loyal to, but when Varys asks "does it? he has neither crown nor gold nor favor with the gods" Tyrion says "he has the sword, the power of life and death" as if he means it's up to his decision and he's the real one in charge in that situation, taking the question to be who's the real most powerful man in the room, and going for the cheeky fourth option of the swordseller I went for too but just in a different way, and Varys hints "but if it's the swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power?" and Tyrion sips his drink narrowing his eyes as he tries to figure what he's getting at and Varys hints at what hes really saying by asking "when Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? the executioner? or something else?" (I guess it was really CIA's doing) and Tyrion being reminded of his, uh, stark reality, says "I've decided I don't like riddles", and Varys explains "power resides where men believe it resides, its a trick, a shadow on the wall, and a very small man can cast a very large shadow" as he smiles at him as if the point of the riddle was to congratulate him again on his continuing mastery of manipulation, so I guess his answer to the riddle is sort of what Tyrion said, but not that it's up to the swordseller in the sense of he's the really most powerful, it is how I assumed he meant it first, its up to whoever he believes is the most powerful of the three, since there's no actual answer beyond that, which is true really, you cant even bribe someone like the Lannisters do if they don't BELIEVE their money will bring them power or BELIEVE the Lannisters will continue to have the power to pay them or they BELIEVE others would follow them, and his argument applies to real life to where different political groups squable over whether optics matters or they can just say and do whatever they want to further their cause when blatantly obviously optics is all that matters, like I could go murder a bunch of people and if I get the optics right nothing fucking happens to me, never mind obvious things like if your movement has bad optics it's going to lose supporters, so you got a lot of people tapping out of the alt-right after realizing what kinds of people they were agreeing with after Charlottesville and the left is losing a lot of white men since they can't shut the fuck up blaming everything on them even if that's what not what they actually mean because they forget not everyone has their understanding of their opaque anylisis of social group dynamics, really makes ya think, ok so I think it's fair to say that from this exchange we can infer that the Epic Ruse Master Power Rankings are thus Varys > Tyrion > Cersei > CIA > Pycelle since Varys has yet to be rused by anyone and is always ontop of everyone's ruses, Tyrion just rused the other three, Cersei made CIA her bitch boy and Pycelle was the only one dumb enough to expose himself fully
then on tha road at I think the same castle we saw the cast stay at last season we see Arya sharpening her sword like an edgy gurl amongst the other sleeping travellers and whoever the adult guy is comes in and offers her his flask of alcohol, and Arya gets nervous and says she doesn't like the taste, probably lying that shes ever tried it since she wants to be more adult than she actually is, as she's still kind of acting on her childish notions of what some brave hero would be since she hasn't gotten bitch slapped by reality yet by literally seeing her fathers severed head straight on like Sansa has, but I guess she did merc that other fat kid so she's on her way to being a real nigga, and the dude admits "you don't drink it for the taste to be honest", which is true and something that drives alcohol drinkers up the wall who swear up and down the street that they just like it for the taste and not the real reason that they take a mind altering substance because just not being able to think straight is enjoyable which about sums up how extremely pathetic human beings are but at least some people can admit it (or not partake at all due to not being pathetic, like me, *wastes life writing autistic threads on a dead message board no one ever reads*), and Arya perks up hearing an adult actually telling the truth and being straight with her for once and stares at him as he tries to sleep, which he can sense, and she asks how he can sleep after seeing so many horrible things and have them in your head, and as if addressing what I just typed up there he says she didn't see anything, he made damn sure, I remember as a kid I would think this trope in fiction of adults stopping kids from seeing things was dumb, like so what, you'd still know it was happening, it's condescending to think a kid seeing it would change anything, but now as an adult I realize yeah, seeing is believing on an emotional level and you wouldn't want a kid seeing that, or an adult for that matter, but Arya says just seeing everyone, Joffrey, the queen, her sister, standing up there waiting to kill her dad was enough to keep her awake, and the adult talks about how he saw his own brother being stabbed through the heart by some regular guy and he didn't do shit about it, and he cant even remember his brothers face anymore... but he can remember his killer... and starts describing this guys good looks, and how he'd think about him constantly, even saying his name before he went to bed every night, until the man came back into town... and he buried an axe so deep in his skull they had to bury him with it, and his horse has been taking him to the Wall and he's been wearing black ever since, lmao I guess wearing black is the thing for edgemasters to wear in this culture too, and the man realizes he's not exactly helping Arya and laughs "that'll help you sleep eh" and tries to go back to sleep, I guess he was just unburdening himself but maybe also telling her she can use revenge to keep going since it seemed to give him relative peace rather than stewing in anger, which probably isn't good life advice or a 10 year old girl, but then they hear a horn outside and he hops up screaming for every "lazy sons of whores" to wake up and Arya insists on fighting with him but he tells her dead serious to stay hidden and run if things go bad and whips everyone else up to grab their swords because "there's men out there who want to fuck your corpses!" nice, edgy, and it's the gold cloaks from Kingslanding there for Gentry and all the travellers run around screaming like headless chickens not knowing where to go to fight or to run or what and one drops a torch that burns the grass next to the prisoners in their cage who starts creaming to be let go because shits about to get holocaust up in this bitch and the leader of the gold cloaks is a knight sent by Tywin himself since the city guard requested their assistance and he's got some of those badass looking red armored Lannister soldiers with him who I guess are like a ye olde PMC since they're professional private soldiers and not just some random serfs some lords gathered up like most of the armies in this setting, and he orders in the name of King Joffrey for this dude to drop his weapons but he just spits on the ground and refuses and bigs himself up for a fight but the leader just says "so be it" and gives the motion and a dude with a crossbow puts an arrow into his chestlmao realism bitch or not since the dude mutters "always hated crossbows, take too long to load!" and HE SLITS THE BOWMAN'S THROAT AS HES FIDDLING TO RELOAD, REALISM BITCH
AND STARTS FIGHTING EVERY CUNT AND MANAGES TO KILL THREE GOLD CLOAKS BEFORE LANNISTER SOLDIERS MOVE IN AND SPEAR HIM AND THEIR LEADER CASUALLY INSERTS HIS SWORD DOWN HIS SPINE, KILLING HIM
and Arya sees this and is like oh fuck its the real nigga shit now and legs it but due to being a moralfaggot Stark she stops when she sees the prisoners being burned alive and she looks around at the battle breaking out and at a hand axe she grabs and the smart girl doesn't wait around to hack the chain off herself she just gives it to the prisoners and runs off and we see the fat kid hiding in the bushes bricking it actually seeing a real battle for the first time and as Arya is about to get away a soldier shoves her to the ground, takes her sword "needle", and mocks her that he'll use it as a toothpick, and then she sees the fat kid being brought in too whining that he yields, and his skinny friend can be heard yelling for help as he got shot in the leg with an arrow, and one of the soldiers goes over to him as his men have won the fight and are gathering up prisoners and asks him if he can walk, uh oh, and this little shit tells him to carry him, and the soldier smiles and offers his hand and says "alright", and the kid looks relieved that the man is helping, but when he takes his hand THE SOLDIER CASUALLY INSERTS ARYA'S SWORD INTO THE BOYS THROATEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 27
and grins at him as he spurts blood out his mouth and dies laughing to his mates "carry me, he says!" and the commander guy shoves over the ally dude who's name I never picked ups dead body, who's death I liked since we just got his backstory and character development like a minute ago and I like that meme of someone tells their lifestory and then dies even if it's telegraphing it a bit it still forces you to care rather than if the interesting details of their life you half forget from hearing weeks ago and there was some kino in there where he seems to be advocating for violence, saying taking revenge helps him sleep, and then a few minutes later choosing the violent option gets him killed as opposed to what happens next where the commander threatens to start taking peoples eyeballs if they don't give up Gentry, and Arya looks up at him right next to her, and Gentry stands there nervously as if he's hoping they'll just fuck off or if he'll just turn himself in to at least spare these people, but Arya thinks fast and notices a certain something on the ground and tells the commander that they already got him, and looks over at the dead boy they just murdered who had taken Gentry's helmet with him, and says he loved that helmet, hmmmm quite the coincidence that those men were looking for a boy with that bullshead helmet that Arya wouldn't know they knew that and quite the coincidence that skinny boy happened to have it with him, nice writing, although I like the kino element of that soldiers cruelty coming back to bite them, if he hadn't just murdered a child for no reason then his unknown identity would have been a lot harder to use to fool them in this ancient time before everyone put their real name and face on facebook due to being fucking idiots, well pretty fucking fantastic episode, continues the interesting situations Jon and Theon are in but only in 2 scenes so they don't overstay their welcome with their relatively uncharismatic leads, introduces us to some new waifus with Brie and smirky lady, some very interesting developments of the awkward situation Renly finds himself in, some absolutely lovely jubbly elaborate mindgame gambit shenanigans with Tyrion and all three (and the old man kek) other master manipulators in Kingslanding aka best storyline, and some very good brutal violence and a nice wee bit of edge at the end there with Arya, and you know the best part? NO FUCKING DANY! exactly what I want from a Game of Thrones episode
Game of Thrones 2x04: "Garden of Bones" 50 Shades of Joffrey special edition
First aired: April 22, 2012
first scene is some it seems from their almost samurai armor Lannister soldiers discussing who would win in a fight, The Mountain or Jaime, which sounds like the kind of autistic thing the fans of this show would say, so maybe this is a little in-joke about a common debate online back when season 1 aired or something, and the thinner of the two says The Mountain because he's the biggest, but the fatter one says a bulls bigger than a lion but he wont pick it in a fight, and the other brings up maybe Loras Tyrell is the better fighter, but the fat one dismisses him as "prettier than the queen" lmao, I guess these two missed season 1 where he already got his fucking ass destroyed by The Mountain, and not in the way he might like, and this fat one brings the banter says "how good could he be? he's been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain't dead" hahahahahah, so I guess Renly's people aren't laughing at him just for not fucking his wife, but who's fucking him, and his skinny friend laughs at his banter, but then the fat one notices the horses acting a bit spooked, hears something out in the darkness, and they both put their hands on their swords and start looking around when.... THE FAT GUY FARTS MAKING HIS FRIEND JUMP! LMAO! IT WAS JUST A PRANK BRO! nice bit of bathos there and his friend calls him a prick as his friend mocks him but then his skinny friend says no there actually is something out there I think and his fat friend ignores him as he starts to take a piss but his friend suddenly screams his name, the fat guy looks up and hollers in terror as
and all his men yell King of the North! and they all ride down into battle, nice almost slasher horror movie intro there to show how badass Robb is getting, then by the next morning we see the aftermath of their assault, since they don't have the budget to show a battle yet lmao, with I think one of the dudes we saw in the opening having had his intestines pulled out by the direwolf
and bunch of dead bodies being looted or their supplies like in a video game and men screaming from their injuries and Robb being told that five Lannisters died for every one of theirs and they are in the awkward position of not having enough food for their POWs but Robb insists to this Lord Bolton that they wont be executing prisoners since he's a moralfag Stark, and Bolton says perhaps the officers will give up intel and as they walk by priests from the Seven religion giving the dead their last rites this guy who's from a particularly edgy as fuck clan says "my family have a saying, a naked man has few secrets... a flayed man has none" oh I can feel the edgeand you can see on his uniform that his family's sigil is actually an upside down flayed man lmao, ooh that's edgy (although to be faired the icon of the biggest religion on Earth in real life a billion people follow is literally a crusified man so... ok) but Robb says his father outlawed flaying and insists they're not torturing them and Lord Bolton gives him the good two-liner "the high roads very pretty, but you'll have a hard time marching your army down it" reminds me of the demented shaved ape streamer trainwrecks who tells anyone who disagrees with him that they're "highroading" him, whatever he thinks that means, and Robb, probably genuinely meaning to be a good guy, but realizing this guy wont respect him trying to be moral for its own sake, reasons that he doesn't want to give the Lannisters any excuse to abuse his sisters, to which Bolton understands and nods, and then we see an injured soldier screaming as his boot is taken off and a nurse and priest tells him they need to amputate his foot but he screams for them not to and Robb has to hold him down and tells him he doesn't want to watch and to bite down on a cloth so he doesn't bite his own tongue off as this nurse puts a strap around his fucked up leg and starts sawing off, that's some real nigga shit, I remember reading about the American civil war where there were piles of amputated legs and arms overflowing carts, and afterwards the nurse lady is shaming Robb for ordering that man to be attacked and having to lose his limb, and he defends it that he was fighting for the family who killed his father, kind of funny how this world is so fucked up that Robb simply being compassionate to a man who's leg he just took from him makes him a nicer person than every other lead who wouldn't give a shit or would just kill him or worse, and the nurse is like "you think hes friends with King Joffrey? he was a fishermans son, he'd never held a spear before they shoved one in his hands a few months ago" idk you can fish with a spear lel
and Robb tries to explain he has no hatred for the lad and the nurse just says "that'll help his foot grow back?" and moves on to her next patient and Robb stands there gobsmacked that a common woman would talk back to him like that but I guess she's had a fucking enough today and yeah she's right war is hell and all that but at least back then men who ordered war had to ride into it themselves they need to bring that shit back and Robb, flabbergasted with this woman's suspiciously out of place anti-war beliefs as if she was written by modern day writers to address modern day issues almost, tries to defend himself by asking if she'd just have them surrender to end all the bloodshed and live under the benevolent King Joffrey, and she just asks what'll he do after he kills Joffrey, and he admits idk go home lol because he's not going to sit on the Iron Throne himself, and she sums up "you're fighting to overthrow a king and yet you have no plan for what comes after?" *COUGH COUGH* AMERICA *COUGH COUGH*, and Robb says some dumb shit about how "first you have to win the war" since planning ahead too hard for his smooth brain and she just gives up and hops on a cart to ride off and Robb tells her that boy was lucky he was there and she says he was unlucky he was there heh rekt, to be honest I am pretty sure Robb is in the wrong here, he's the one waging war on the Lannisters, if he'd just do what his father would probably want him to do and forget about him none of this would be happening, and yeah Joffrey and Tywin are cunts who kill civvies for their own end but not on the scale that's happening now, and Robb admits he doesn't care who's in charge, so all the people that are going to get fucked by the winter is coming meme might even be worse off, see this is the problem with kings and presidents and shit, obviously if this was a situation just between individuals then yeah, of course if someone killed your father or going about killing kids you could take action against them, but when a head of state and their government does it suddenly you have to take into consideration all the soldiers under their command and all the civilians depending on them and that'd get caught in the cross fire, obviously the solution to this is to make assassinating leaders a way bigger thing, I mean not that I'm advocating that or anything I love innocent people dying and would never want it to stop
speaking of edgy incels we cut to Joffrey going full school shooter pointing a crossbow from in front of the Iron Throne down at Sansa kneeling on the floor with him telling her "you're here to answer for your brothers latest treasons!"
and she throws her brother under the bus swearing she had nothing to do with her "traitor brother", and maybe it's just these two are young inexperienced actors or maybe it's the goofy little golden crown, overly fancy clothes and ornate crossbow Joffrey has and the weird direct cut to him aiming it at the camera with tight shots as if something will be revealed in a wider shot but I honestly thought this was going to be a dream sequence or like a play Joffrey was making her put on or something but no its a serious situation and speaking of incels Joffrey commands the now Ser Lancel to tell her of this latest outrage, and he says that due to some vile sorcery her brother fell on Lannister men with an army of wolves and thousands of good men were butchered and after the slaughter the Northmen feasted on the flesh of the slain, and the crowd assembled in the throneroom gasp in horror, which in true grimdark fashion tenders Robb's good deed of not abusing the POWs moot as the Lannisters simply spread Fake News™ that they're fucking eating them anyway, and the southern capital accusing the Northerners of cannibilism reminds me of the legend of Sawney Bean in Scotland, a supposed cannibal who's family abducted and ate over 1000 people in the 16th century, which was probably anti-Scots propaganda (which hilariously Scotland fully embraced as a fucked up horror story and there are still tourist attractions and plays written about the Sawney clan to this day) from an English publication when some real Game of Thrones shit was going on with the Jacobite rebellion trying to take the throne, anyway this edgy little prick Joffrey struggles to keep his crossbow aimed down at Sansa deciding "killing you would send your brother a message..." as Sansa starts crying "but my mother insists on keeping you alive" like this absolute fedoralord isn't interested in her beyond wanting to be an edgy boi but mommy wont let him, literally like that meme from some spanish language dr. phil type show with the fat kid, you know the one, and he lowers his fancy crossbow, sits down on the Iron Throne and ponders how else to send a message... and decides on ordering his henchman to beat her again "but not the face, I like her pretty" and one of the guards punches her in the stomach but it's shot in a way where there's a candlestick in the way in the foreground but we do see him take out his sword and whack her with the broadside of it in the legs so she falls over which seems like a dangerous wife beating technique, and the crowd all gasps and looks around nervously as Joffrey says "my lady is overdressed, unburden her" ok here we go here's the edge and the guard tears Sansas dress open so she has to hold it to her breasts and The Hound shifts awkwardly as if he's constantly battling the urge to kill Joffrey himself lmao and he says some edgy shit about her screaming loud enough for Robb to hear her and the guard looks like he's about to hack at her with his sword which seems counter productive but he does the tv trope where he's interrupted mid-swing as if it wouldn't be impossible to stop the momentum of a heavy sword he swung that strong without going into it pulling his swing intentionally when Tyrion and Bronn interrupt and the crowd parts as he marches through and Joffrey bricks it because despite all his power he's still a complete boychild scared of his 3 foot tall uncle and Tyrion admonishes the knight for beating a defenceless girl who does the just following orders meme, damn these people really need the holocaust to defeat that argument, and Tyrion shames Joffrey for abusing his would-be wife and uses his paranoia against him by bringing up what happened to the last Mad King and the kingsguard guy gets triggered and tells Tyrion not to threaten the king and puts his hand on his sword but Tyrion just glances at him like manipulating an oaf like him is not even worth his time since he'll do whatever Joffrey wants anyway so just keep focusing on him and tells Bronn that next time he speaks, kill him
lmao and even though he's surrounded by the best guards in the city Bronn just smiles at the kingsguard and Tyrion is like "I'm just educating my nephew, that was a threat, see the difference?" and the guy bricks it like he's a bitch not ready to die, and it seems like Bronn at least wants people to think that he only fights for money, but I guess the implication here is Tyrion has such influence over Joffrey that his personal guard could kill a kingsguard and be let away with it, and Tyrion helps up Sansa and Joffrey stands up super rustled but doesn't say shit, and even though Tyrion gives her the chance to take his help Sansa insists she's loyal to King Joffrey, and Tyrion stops in his tracks amazed as he realizes her dedication to The Game Of Thrones™ and says to himself in a way people only do in tv shows "Lady Stark, you may survive us yet" and Bronn's amazing insight into the situation is that Joffrey is "backed up from balls to brains" LMAO HES CALLING HIM AN INCEL!!! and Tyrion asks "you think dipping his wick will cure what ails him?" and Bronn says, as poiniently as he can, "there's no cure for being a cunt, but the boys at that age" sulis and points out "all hes got to do all day is pick wings off flies, couldn't help to get some of the poison out" I was actually just wondering about Joffrey's sexuality, since you'd think someone reveling in power as him would be getting his end away, maybe there's some taboo about fucking his wife before they're married but no one bats and eye at the powerful whoring in this city, maybe he just hasn't hit puberty yet or is asexual, or maybe due to his upbringing and having not a oner but a double dose of the ol Lannister genes lmao he's so emotionally fucked he can only process le benis in bagina urges through physical violence since he's never seen an adult relationship demonstrated for him that wasn't based around resentment, but either way I am pretty sure Bronn is wrong and he's not just sexually frustrated since he could have any woman in the city he wants including Sansa and he probably just has some wife beater shit going on where he subconsciously or not so subconsciously hates his mother so takes it out on the woman he has control over
well we're about to find out since later on Joffrey comes back to his chambers and snarls "what are you doing here DOG" to The Hound, who I'm guessing he resents because he doesn't have his cooler older brother as his bodyguard or something vain like that, who tells him his uncle left his nameday present for him, hmmm I wonder what that is, and Joffrey looks scared at the door nervously as if he's expecting it to be an assassin or something but The Hound tells him to go in and check, and of course it's a cag eating an apple in bed and Ros starts to flirt with him and touch his benis through his clothes but he recoils and says "no!" clearly uncomfortable but tries to reassert himself by telling her "her, touch her" and watches slackjawed as Ros undresses the cag and starts kissing her naked body and, uh oh, Joffrey suddenly seeming engaged as if he's just realized he can ask "could you hit her?" and the cags having heard it all before, or so they think, giggle and try to make it some sensual fun where she bends over and has Ros spank her as he asks if his uncle sent them and when they say yes he goes "hmm" as if that engages his darker side even more like he's pissed at his uncle interfering with his business and wants to take it out on someone so he goes up behind this bent over naked whore and takes off his belt.... but then gives it to Ros and tells her to use this lmao, and her face falls as she starts to catch on what kind of man Joffrey is but plays along like its stil fun and slaps her with it and the cag moans, but Joffrey tells her harder, and Ros has to really whip her with it and the cag yelps and JOFFREY GRABS ROS BY THE FACE AND TELLS HER "HARDER"
and Ros has to BEAT the cags ass who starts crying for real and Joffrey, realizing he can do whatever he wants, picks up a thankfully unlit tortch and offers it to Ros as the whore looks on in horror and Ros tries to reason that "your grace, too much pain will spoil the pleasure" but he doesn't even reply and just starts... preparing his crossbow, and the girls realize what serious shit they're in and she tries warning him "your grace, if your uncle finds out" but Joffrey says "oh but I want him to find out, you'll bring her to his chambers once you're finished, and show him what you've done, or the same thing will happen to you... begins" and aims the crossbow at her and Ros steels herself knowing this is the only way they both get out of their alive and starts beating the whores ass with the heavy torch, wew laddy, it seems like its not a sexual thing to him at all, he just likes hurting people and has the fun opportunity to abuse some women and use it to get back at his uncle for trying to manipulate him, I suppose he has such a dysfunctional relationship with his mother that he can't even express sexual sadism to women, anyway good scene that elaborates more on Joffrey's character and is a nice inversion of the usual dumb trope in movies and shows where an older man arranges for a younger man to get laid and it's le ebin sexy times for the cringy male fantasy of getting sex with zero effort but here it completely backfires, thanks Bronn for your obviously retarded jack the lad advice, and I guess this is gonna hit Tyrion harder than usual since he has a soft spot for cags, yes I am just using "cag" as a synonym for whores
then back at Renly's army on the coast he comes marching along with Brie and 6 other guards all wearing helmets since they're not player characters and greets CIA as his "favorite whoremonger" and CIA tries to hide his rustlement at being talked down to by a man of higher status than him and joins him in his tent and Renly shames him for flipping his loyalties to the Lannisters so quickly and tells him "I dont like you, I dont like your face" well he's not going to like /tv/ memes and he tells him to get on with it and CIA looks shiftily at Brie wondering about her and Renly says she's the most loyal because she's loyal without pay, yeah sounds like someone that's very easy to bribe actually lmao, and Renly suspects that CIA is coming to him because he suspects he'll successfully take Kingslanding and doesn't want to get beheaded and CIA offers him the choice between a protracted siege or open gates, fucking cheeky cunt, although I presume that's why Tyrion sent him at all because he knows CIA will sell out to the most likely winner and he's setting some sort of trap for Renly now he's figured him and the North are allying so if he gets Renly by the balls, maybe literally if getting him on the throne is their only chance for not being oppressed by Tywin or Stannis, that team will have to release Jaime, oh I love a bit of the ol political scheming, that's why UK politics is so dank because there's so many different parties all doing alliances and combating each other while in america there's not really a democracy at all and they just take it in turns to switch parties every 2 years who carry out policies that would be identical to any other country lmao
then we see Margarie walking with her brother who spots CIA and he kisses her but only on the cheek since they're seemingly the only brother and sister pair not fucking in this show (unfortunately) and walks off to let her do her thing and she just so happens to walk by CIA who has a chat to her where she gossips about "accidentally" walking in on officers undressed because trying to find her tent she's such a slut and CIA catching on that she doesn't share a tent with her husband and when she senses him sniffing around in her marriage she brings up his bachelor status and he says "I've been unlucky in my affections, sadly" literally ye olde beta orbiter, in fact that's a theme in this show, all the most powerful men are some sort of incel, with Varys being the most influential because he's been retaining his mana by doing nofap for 40 years straight, and Marg gets snippy with him and asserts her loyalty to Renly and CIA just smirks as he knows there's some juicy blackmail material in there somewhere
then in, oh no, a desert, we see one of Dany's men riding back to their group that should really be dead from exposure now to tell her that he's met with the Qarth who replaced his horse that presumably didn't make it rip and would be honored to receive "the Mother of Dragons", great, another title for Dany to be given so she can have influence with zero character development needed, amazing, and Jorah warns that the desert around their gates is called "the garden of bones" because when they shut you out the garden grows, edgy stuff
then we see Arya and the other captured travellers being taken to what seems to have been a huge castle tower that's been somehow burnt to the ground, and the fat kid asks Arya "what kind of fire melts stone", and she says "dragon fire", and the blacksmith kid who's name I already forgot says "they're all dead" well at the moment they are since they don't have the CGI budget to show Dany's dragons mid-season, and the fat kid smells something weird and Arya says "dead people" and then inside we see the soldiers clipping their handcuffs onto chains to keep them in place and an old woman watches someone screaming off-screen from what sounds like rope attached to horses pulling him apart or something and when he stops the old lady says "that was my son... my sister was three days ago... my husband the day before that" and the blacksmith kid realizes they take someone every day and Arya asks "does anyone live?" but no one replies, not sure what's going on here I guess they take people here to murder them since they seem to have bought her bullshit about them already having killed their target and then that night in a muddy slavepen Arya is muttering "Joffrey... Cersei... Ilyn Payne..." good name for an executioner "The Hound" over and over again having taken on that dead guys habit of meditating on revenge before going to bed
but she's left out one important name, who we cut to, CIA, coming to speak to, uh oh, Cat, who accuses him of betraying Ned and CIA passionately defends himself saying he begged him to become protector of the realm but Cat aint fucking buying it and accuses him of being a traitor and orders him out and CIA pathetically whines that he's loved her since he was a boy but as soon as he grabs her arm CAT GRABS A DAGGER and screams at him to get out and he bricks it knowing she ain't playing and will drop him if he tries anything and he almost pussies out but then he realizes his best play and says "do you want to see your girls again?" and lies that both girls are healthy and safe... for now... and poor Cat realizes he might be her best chance to save her daughters and regretfully puts the dagger down as she realizes he's only saying this to get leverage over her and just asks what he wants and CIA offers a trade for Jaime but Cat knows Robb cant do it, and CIA says that's why he's coming to her, because she's a mother, and would do anything for her kids, and Cat gets upset but CIA says hes got a gift and gets two priest dudes to bring in a chest, and Cat tentatively goes to open it expecting it to be a dead body or some shit... and it is, but in a nice way, it's Ned's bones so they can give him a funeral, and she tears up and just tells CIA to get out but this time more sensitively and CIA having at least some idea of how to treat someone you claim to love leaves respectfully
then we see Arya and the other prisoners being woken up by the Lannister troops and the fat man warns her the man who picks who dies is coming and Arya recognizes... THE MOUNTAIN, who comes stomping up to the pen and the fat kid stares at him and Arya whispers wtf u doin and the fat kid says the guy next to him says he stares at him everyday and that's why he doesn't get picked so he's trying that, and in the characters first episode he was played by an Australian actor called, appropriately, Conan Stevens who according to an interview is "seven feet or 210 centimetres tall", except 210cm is 6'10", but I can't blame him since american measuring systems are retarded, who was going to play a main orc in The Hobbit trilogy but they replaced him with a CGI model lmao and they've recast him here too where The Mountain is played by a Welsh actor called Ian Whyte, who's fucking seven foot one, except he's noticeably thinner in his frame and face, I guess because the last guy to play him was a professional wrestler and this dude is a professional basketball player which calls for a different body type, and he's mostly in the shadows as he walks back and fourth I guess to try to obscure it's a different actor
and The Mountain picks... the dude next to the fat kid who's been staring at him every day and the fat kid LITERALLY pisses himself realizing his theory was wrong, at least he had the balls to try it I guess, and we see the man being tied to a chair and a soldier asks him if there's any gold, silver or gems in the village and he says no but when he asks where "the brotherhood" is and the guy says no to that he nods to The Mountain who... gets some metal bucket with straps to it... and opens up a cage of rats and stuffs one inside and the soldier keeps asking over and over again where the brotherhood is but the man keeps saying he doesn't know getting more and more scared as The Mountain takes up his shirt and straps the bucket with the rat to him and the man swears he doesn't know anything but The Mountain picks up a flaming torch and holes it to the metal bucket and the man starts looks down in horror as he realizes THE RAT IS TRYING TO BURROW ITS WAY OUT THROUGH HIS CHEST, WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS A TORTURE SCENE RIPPED OFF FROM 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS LMAO!!! and the man suddenly starts giving up a Butcher and his son as people who "helped the villagers" and the soldier thanks him for being helpfull but... lets The Mountain (at least I think its him since the actor changed and I can barely tell everyone apart as it is lis) keep burning the bucket and the man continues to be dug into by the rat, I'll keep the edge meter away since it's establishing they are still grilling these people for info on whatever the situation is, if only we knew what was going on so we could tell if that guy was just serving up some random man to try to save himself, and as I've said before throughout history that's the real purpose of torture, to get innocent people to just give false confessions so your guys can keep getting paid to go about abusing people, since there's some quite funny psychological things that go on with someone in extreme pain where even if he actually did know the info they wanted he might not say it if he thought they wouldn't believe it or it would make them hurt him worse, he'll just say whatever he thinks they'll like to hear and will make them stop even if it's bullshit, I remember reading an old field-guide for the CIA on how to interrogate people during the cold war and it basically summed up the best way to get reliable intel was to just bribe people since you're probably working in an impoverished shithole lmao, then later that night Arya does her edgy mantra again when she sees an old woman begging someone called Polliver for some food and being beaten... so she adds Polliver and The Mountain to her list of people to kill, maybe this is the kind of thing you should just be thinking instead of saying out loud while you're their captives lis, reminds me of the themes from MGS about how humans reproduce by genes but also memes, e.g. you can survive after your death from having children and passing on your DNA to them or by spreading your ideas to others, and even though that guys dead, his life philosophy is still in effect in the world, really makes ya think
then we see a parlay between, ooh, Stannis and Renly's forces, where there are guards standing on the hilltops flying flags from both their sides, Renly's with a stag with a crown around its neck to show he's King and Stannis is the same symbol also with the crown except it's on a flaming heart to show that he supports Satanism or whatever the Red Lady's religion is now, and by a beautiful seaside hill that looks very celtic probably filmed in Ireland we see Stannis has the Red Lady on his right and Davos on his left, and Renly has his brother-in-law lover on his right and Lady Stark on his left, funny that they both have their lovers on their right hand, as they stare each other down on horseback, and Renly starts talking shit about Stannis infringing his banner copyright and memes that it's good he tweaked it a bit because if they used the exact same banner the battle would be terribly confusing, and he asks genuinely why it's got a flaming heart, and the Red Lady explains it's the Lord of Light, and Renly looks the fire priestess up and down and says "ooh brother, now I understand why you found religion in your old age" and Stannis says "watch it", any other character would probably tease him back about his own relations but I guess Stannis is not one for banter or manipulations, but Renly says he's relieved that he's not really a fanatic, since he might be "charmless, rigid, and a bore, but not a godly man" I kinda like how Stannis is just some regular quiet guy and doesn't have an over the top smug manipulator or cocky badass persona like every other character, kind of reminds me of Dick Channey who was probably the most powerful man to ever live at one point in time but has a completely serious, po-faced introverted personality rather than all the hotshot extroverted power players surrounding him
and the Red Lady tells Renly he should be bowing because Stannis is their lord and savoir born amongst salt and smoke and Renly's like "salt and smoke? what is he? a ham?" lmao and Cat tells them if they were her boys she'd lock them in a bedchamber until they remembered they were brothers, which is typical mom talk since Stannis is not even saying anything lmao, and he says he's surprised to see her on his brothers side since her husband lost his head supporting him, and Cat says they have a common enemy but Stannis insists the Iron Throne is his by right, and he's sort of right if it wasn't for Gentry running around, and Renly, who I am pretty sure doesn't have much of a temperament for power especially with his need for privacy and is probably just being egged on to take the throne by his wife, lover and whoever their father is, seems more interested in squabbling with his brother who he seems to resent than argue his own claim, and just points out that the whole realm denies him from Dorne to the Wall, and says that he never wanted any friends (lis @ Stannis characterization so far literally just being some quiet guy who'd probably be happier being a librarian or something) but friends equal power, and we see a shot of the scowling pretty boy as if his father is someone real important, and Stannis simply gives him one night to reconsider going against him and he'll give him his old seat on the counsel and name him his heir until he has a son and we see a shifty Red Lady beside him, kind of like this almost feminist theme going on here where behind every power hungry man is an equally power hungry woman using what little power she has in this world, her reproductive abilities, to rise right up to the top, which seems like a risky move since Renly could just agree and then have him poisoned to be King lul, "otherwise I will destroy you", and Cat looks worried at Renly, hoping that they can work together, but Renly, maybe not giving much of a shit about his future since he has his gayness hanging over his head that could be exposed and destroy his life at any time so fuck it YOLO, talks shit to his big brother about having more men, and Stannis just says we'll see and ride off and the Red Lady does the "the night is dark and full of terrors" meme as they leave, and Renly says "can you believe I loved him once?" and rides off, I'm not sure what Renlys supporters all think his claim is, I guess just that Stannis is such a charmless aspie he couldn't inspire pride at a childrens KKK rally
then with Dany we see her and her 20 odd slaves outside a city's walls and 21 soldiers with spears and shields like some spartan shit approach them with their leaders behind them and Jorah tells her it's because they're a Dorthraki hoard as if to imply to her that that's how to play this like they have more danger and power to them than a bunch of starving dipshits, and the fat leader guy already has her doxx and introduces himself as a "trader of spices", one of the members of the Thirteen leaders of Qarth, and Dany tries to suck up to him but mispronounces their city name lisssss
and the fat guy immediately wants to see the dragons but she can tell they might just merc them for them and tries to bargain for sanctuary but the fat fuck keeps prying in a very saccharine way and when Dany tries to play it le fierce and independent queen but he's just like oh ok then bye and goes to abandon them to die outside in the desert because "Qarth didn't become the greatest city that ever was or ever will be by letting Dothraki savages through its gates" lmao BUILD THE WALL and Jorah can tell Dany is getting raged up to do something and asked her to be careful and Dany goes full edgemaster ranting about how when her dragons are grown she'll get revenge on everyone to ever wrong her and they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground, she is literally like the angsty kid in class who talks about how he could do a school shooting next year and this seems like a good way to get her and all her people murdered right now so that that cant happen and it'd be all her fault for threatening their people and Jorah just winces like "yeah I know she's edgy I have bad taste in women sorry"
and the fat man quips "ah, you truly are a Targaryan, but as I said, you'll all die out here... so..." lmao and just goes to leave but then a huge black dude is like AYO WHITE BOI, YALL SCARED OF THIS LIL WHITE GURL? DAMN YALL PUSSY ASS, and the fat guy says "the discussion is over, Xaro Xhoan Daxos", nice name with XXX in it cant wait for him to BLACK.COM Dany, who of course excuses Dany because she is conveniently the Mother of Dragons and he was once considered a savage himself (nice role for our second black actor after the last one was a thieving rapist, good stuff) and is so instantly dedicated to her he makes a blood oath by slitting his palm to vouch for her, and the fat guy says fine but its on your head, literally, and they open their gates to reveal this huge fancy ancient African style city (yes, they had huge cities like this in ancient Africa, we WUZ kangs afterall (just not Egyptians))
and then we get an extremely gory shot of a guy hammering the dude who was being tortured's severed fucking head onto a pyke over the slaves cuckshed and unfortunately up next is Gentry who gets tied to the chair and asked about gold or silver, and he says "I'm not from the village" and the inquisitor as if he doesn't even actually care asks "where is the brotherhood?" he says "I don't know what that is" and then the rats come out and get strapped to his chest but then TYWIN LANNISTER and his personal guard comes riding in the front door and starts grilling one of the guards about killing these able bodied and skilled laborers who doesn't even reply back to him and Tywin nods as if hes got the right picture of how to respond to him, not at all, and then he walks into the slaves area and asks Gentry if he has a trade, and he says smith m'lord, as Arya eyes a guards sword as if she's finna bouta lunge for it, but one of the guards catches her and orders her to kneel in front of her lord, but Tywin stops him and says "this ones a girl, you idiot" lmao yes thank you this trope of girls pretending to be boys is retarded since its always obvious (no offence to traps and reverse traps) although it did actually happen in real life so I guess real life people are also retarded or were just very woke and didn't want to misgender them, and Arya says it's because it's safer to travel m'lord and Tywin smiles like he has an appreciation for the tenacity of poorer children unlike his own spoiled soft cunt kids and tells her "smart, unlike these lot" and the guard looks shook as if Tywin might just have him killed but he just orders them to put the slaves to work, with Arya being his new cupbearer! oh shit
and then back in Kingslanding Tyrion has a visit from his cousin Incel, who's awfully scowly and serious looking now he's a Knight, and hands over a warrant from Cersei to release Pycelle, and Tyrion starts playing with Incel asking why she'd send him for such a serious matter, sensing his insecurities, causing him to march into his office to argue with him, and Tyrion says she must trust him to let him into her chambers during "the hour of the wolf" which makes Incel freeze up, I thought that was a reference to her time of the month or something rofl but I guess he just means when the Starks could be plotting against her, and he sniffs at her and smells... Cersei's perfume! wait a fucking second, no hang on, so it was Lancel she was sleeping with last season, and not the Knight of Roses guy? oh fucking hell, why do white people have to all look the same, CERSEI IS FUCKING HER OWN COUSIN TOO?INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5 bloody hell mate ok, my mistake, Tyrion spells it out, and asks if Cersei knighted him before or after she took him into her bed, lmao, guess he ain't no incel anymore! and Lancel clams up, bricking it that Tyrion figured them out so soon, and he teases his silence, and Lancel grabs at his dagger and yells at him to withdraw his ghastly accusations, and Tyrion puts the fear of the seven gods into him by asking what Joffrey would have to say when he finds out he's been bedding his mother, and Lancel sits down realizing how much trouble he's in, and blurts out that it's not his fault, and Tyrion walks up, now eye level with his quarry, and asks "did she take you against your will? can you not defend yourself, knight?" hey don't victim blame, and Lancel tries to justify it by saying Tywin told him to obey her in everything, and Tyrion asks "did he tell you to fuck her too?", and squeals the just following orders meme again, and Tyrion mocks him saying oh my sisters spread open legs must have been terrible, makes me wonder if even he's had a go at some stage, and he pretends to be going off to tell Joffrey and Lancel drops to his knees begging and pleading swearing he'll leave the city, and Tyrion, seeing he's at his mercy, tells him no, what he'll do is stay by Cersei's side and keep her trust... pleasure her whenever she requires... and no one will need to know as long as he keeps faith with him and tells him everyone he learns about who Cersei talks to and what they say, and Lancel looks down dejected realizing how fucked he is and agrees to at least buy himself a bit longer life, and Tyrion tells him to enjoy his sister for the good of the realm and that he begs her forgiveness and will release Pycelle as long as he's not allowed back on the counsel and quips about how he'd say he hasn't harmed a hear on his head but that wouldn't strictly speaking be true, lul, wonder how long it'll take an old man like that to grow his beard back, I guess Tyrion didn't care that much about Pycelle's loyalties and just wanted to get Cersei shook that he can fuck over anyone more loyal to her than him at his discretion
then on Stannis' ship, I presume one of the new ones he got from the pirates, with a stag-head mast, he's talking to Davos about his "knucklebones" bringing him luck, referring to his fingers he cut off, and Davos gets awkward and jokes its four less fingernails to clean, and Stannis corrects him that it's "fewer", not less, exactly the kind of autistic pedantic shit my dad says lmao, and, oh jesus, Stannis says he never understood why Davos has to wear them, I cant see where but it seems Davos is wearing his own fingerbones as jewlery or something, which is off-putting even to the man who cut them off lmao, but Davos says it reminds him of his justice and at least he was good with a cleaver, and Stannis says he was a hero and a smuggler, a good act doesn't wash out the bad act, nor a bad act the good, so I guess hes got a more black and white moral thinking than most in Westeros, and then they talk about how Davos son doesn't listen to him but does the Red Lady, but Stannis, now getting his dick wet finally since this whole thing rotates around who's an incel and who isn't, wont hear anything against her, and tells Davos he wants him to be a smuggler again... with the Red Lady... and Davos, who's sceptical of her, says he's loyal but asks another way, which makes me wonder if he wants her killed or something
and then we see Davos taking a rowing boat with the Red Lady ashore and she asks "are you afraid, Onion Knight?" I guess he was smuggling onions or something lol, wait isn't that a wii game or something? no I'm thinking of Shovel Knight, and he quips "someone once told me the night was dark and full of terrors" and she smiles with open amusement of his discomfort and starts asking him smugly if he's a good or bad person and he says, I guess agreeing with Stannis' world view, that there's good and bad parts but she tells him "half a rotten onion is all a rotten onion" and then brags about what a good and holy person she is as they come ashore, and she starts prying into his marriage saying she heard he's been with other women, and he tells her not to talk about his wife, but she tells him "you want me, and to see whats beneath this robe... and you will" as Davos stare at her like he wishes he had a god to give him strength right about now, and then the two of them walk into a cave as she says some pretentious shit about how shadows serve the Lord of Light as they come to metal bars, and then she takes off her robe to reveal SHES ALREADY HEAVILY PREGNANT and Davos says "gods protect us!" and she says some Captain America shit "there's only one god, ser davos, and his name is allah!" no she doesn't say the last part
but the lantern Davos was carrying suddenly lights up and the Red Lady lays down on her robe and SHE STARTS GIVING BIRTH AND WE SEE SOMETHING WRIGGLING AROUND HER BELLY AS DAVO'S BACKS THE FUCK UP IN HORROR AS SHE GIVES BIRTH TO... SOME SORT OF SMOKE MONSTER!!!! SOME FUCKING HARRY POTTER DEMENTOR SHADOW SKELETON THING CRAWLS OUT OF HER AND FORMS INTO A HUMANOID IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEN SPREADS DARKNESS ALL OVER THE SCREEN ok what le fuck, what is this, fucking LOST?
like I've already said about the zombies and dragons, we could do without the supernatural elements in a supposed grim and gritty world, but we're in full fantasy now, when before the magic shit the lady Dany burned supposedly did could have not been supernatural at all, maybe dragons are just certain types of animal or something and maybe the zombies are just a virus or something, but I guess we're whole hog into supernatural territory now and we're meant to think Stannis actually is some prophesized hero if he can sire that, or maybe it's entirely her doing and anyone's cum would do the trick, alright onto the next episode where I'm sure we'll not see that thing or ever again, well if I learned anything from Lost we'll never learn what it is, if the writers tell you we will they're fucking lying and the best guess is nanomachines, son
Game of Thrones 2x05: "The Ghost of Harrenhal" smoke monster special edition
First aired: April 29, 2012
we find Cat swearing to Renly that her son has no interest in the Iron Throne and he casually sips his cup considering if he can trust her and decides that then there's no reason for hostility them and Robb can go on calling himself King of the North... as long as he swears loyalty to him like Ned did to Rob 18 years ago, so not exactly a free North, and Cat asks what they get in return, and Renly says in the morning he'll destroy his brothers army and then Stark and Bathereon can fight their common enemy together like the good old days, would seem smarter of him to ally with the Starks right now so they can help him against Stannis right now, and Cat implores him to negotiate a peace with Stannis, but he's sure his brother won't listen, because he'd have better luck debating the wind, and tells her to please give his regards to her son as they could end this war in a fortnight (duo vs duo shotguns only duel) if they came together but then OH SHIT THE SMOKE MONSTER COMES SLITHERING INTO THE TENT AND BRIE STANDS THERE IN SHOCK AS IT FORMS INTO A HUMAN SHAPE BEHIND RENLY AND... STABS HIM THROUGH THE HEART WITH A BLADE MADE OF SHADOW!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK?!!?!
AND TWO OF HIS OTHER BODYGUARDS COME IN, THINK BRIE DID IT, YELL "YOU'LL DIE FOR THIS!" AND ATTACK HER, AND CAT TRIES TO STOP THEM BUT THEY'RE ALREADY SWORD FIGHTING BRIE WHO TRIES TO KNOCK THEM AWAY AT FIRST BUT THEY KEEP GETTING BACK UP AND HE'S FORCED TO SLASH ONE OF THEM AND RAM HER SWORD DOWN ONE OF THEIR BACKS
to be fair Brie is quite the suspicious character as if Stannis knew Renly would have a soft spot for a usually discriminated female fighter and give into her request so she can get some alone time with him and then he drops dead stabbed in the back on her first night with him alone and Cat stands there like h-holy shit and Brie looks at the three dead bodies around her realizing her life has gone from her biggest dream to her worst nightmare in about 10 seconds and she drops to her knees and cries over Renly's corpse in absolute agony that she failed to protecc the first and last guy to ever give her a chance at being an honerable soldier and Cat tries to get her to flee as there's yelling outside but she wont listen until Cat says she cant avenge him if she's dead, which snaps her out of it and immediately gets her thinking tactically on the right exit to take, ok, what the absolute F U C K was that, not only are we now operating on fully supernatural rules but they are EXTREMELY OVER POWERED where between all these realistically warring armies that need to keep their numbers, positioning, alliances and popular support in mind... one of them can spawn an invincible T-3000 shadow monster to flawlessly hunt down and assassinate anyone they want lmao, ah yes, very compelling storytelling, brilliant, and before any fucking retard says well you can say that about any sci-fi or fantasy story, like you didn't bitch about the smoke monster on Lost killing people, that's because it's obviously a supernatural mystery from the get-go and didn't sell itself as some extremely brutally realistic thriller where everything has le real consequences, that was some fucking jump the shark shit sorry, now Brie's story is retarded since it's not like an assassin framed or her something and she can just hunt him down to prove it, she's absolutely fucked for the rest of the story since for some reason no one believes in magic anymore so she cant exactly prove the truth to exonerate herself, and yeah its all nice and shocking to have Renly, an interesting character with lots more mileage of drama to wring out of his situation, to be killed off unceremoniously, but why the fuck should I care about any other discussion about alliances in the future of a fucking smoke monster can just pop in and delete someone's character because it'd suit Stannis or whoever else has access to this undefined magic? what is the subtext I am meant to read into real world events here? the closeted gay man got killed by being penetrated from behind by a dark figure so it represents AIDS?absolute dogshit tbqh, fuck off, show ruined
then we see Stannis fleet at sea, which I guess Davos and the Red Lady leaving implies that she can only birth that thing in that specific cave or at least the thing cant travel over water, and we see CIA looking out towards it and probably realizing he needs to leg it as the whole Renly army is running around like headless chickens in fury having heard their king has been murdered in no fit state to fight, and we see the pretty boy sitting beside his body welling up in tears as his sister tries to get him to leave but he wont listen and when CIA comes in to warn them that Stannis is coming he tells him to leave but CIA warns him that Renlys bannermen will all switch to the other Bathereon brother and rush to be the first to sell his wife to him, and the brother-in-law draws his sword and accuses CIA of wanting that privilege for himself, but CIA says he's talking to him not Stannis, I guess because he knows Stannis is a hard man to manipulate and maybe he'd rather get favor with their father or something, and Marge accuses Brie of killing Renly but the brother accuses her of not believing that and it's obviously Stannis and he starts ranting about how he'll avenge him, so CIA reasons with him that he needs to play this smart if he wants revenge but he wont listen or leave Renly's side, not bothering to hide his affection for him any more, which I guess was genuine after all, until his sister starts telling him the same thing, and he finally leaves without saying anything, and as soon as she's gone Marge stops acting so sympathetic and just tells CIA that Renly wasn't ever really a king, but she never wanted to be a queen either... she wants to be THE queen, very feminist, and she looks over at CIA and smiles as if to suggest an alliance as they have common interests, and he fights to hide a smirk as he's getting what he wished for
then we see Cersei creepily watching some teenage girls giggling away playing a blindfold game in the city gardens as if she resents their carefree youth as Tyrion debriefs her on Renly's death saying it's unclear what happened but most accounts implicate Catherine Stark in some way and some say it was one of his kingsguard and others say Stannis did it himself at an unsuccessful parley and a rather sloshed Cersei raises her glass to whoever did it, but Tyrion warns Varys says Renly's army is flocking to support Stannis, so he now has superiority over them on land and sea, but Cersei says CIA says they can outspend him three to one (I suppose their differing agendas here is Varys seems to want Westeros united against an outside force and not infighting while CIA just wants to arrange a situation where he can fuck Cat which might involve fucking over the Lannisters for her) very smugly, I guess she didn't like Renly, although I'm not sure we ever saw them talking one on one, but when Tyrion says their father raised her to have too much respect for money her face immediately looks like a slapped arse as an irishman would say like she can only be happy for literally one second, and Tyrion starts warning they could be overrun and Cersei gets bitchy saying he wants to send her daughter away to Dorne, I guess no one has revealed to her that that was all a le ebin ruse, but Tyrion keeps it up just to keep a threat over her or maybe scared to find out what she'll do when she finds out it was just a prank dude, but Cersei starts ranting about his schemes and plots so maybe she's onto it, and tells him the King has already taken charge of siege preparations, and Tyrion is like uhhhhhhhh excuse me but Cersei clams up and says its the Kings royal prerogative to withhold sensitive information from his counsellors like she knows they're all fucked anyway so might as well be a cunt to her brother who prides himself on always knowing what's going on, then out in the streets we see Bronn standing guard over a tiny little tent Tyrion presumably has himself carried around by servants in and he's making Lancel meet him there who has to scrunch his knees up lmao and he's leaking him the intel that Joffrey's big masterplan is to use "wildfire", and Tyrion grills him for the full truth by asking "if the vile allegations against my brother and sister are true, do you think that would make Jaime less or more likely to kill you?" lmao, as if since Jaime is committing incest with Cersei too he'd be more understanding of Lancel doing it, but he swears that the Alchemists guild has already made it and are preparing to fire it from the city walls at his ships and armies, I'm guessing this is like ye olde napalm or something, or at least that's what he heard her saying to the "pyromancer", nice new class that's been unlocked, and Tyrion says even torturing him is boring, kicks him out, and makes him ask Bronn to kill him if anything happens to him, which he does, the cuck, which Bronn finds very amusing
then with Stannis' new/Renly's old army Davos is giving Stannis his condolences but Stannis don't give a fuck, I guess Davos hesitance before hand was because they both knew what she could do, which you'd think would make Davos less of an atheist since you know... HER RELIGION IS DEMONSTRATIVELY FUCKING REAL, and he is shook about what he saw in that cave, but Stannis wont listen as it got results, and Davos can tell his brother is under the Red Lady's thrall, who used his drive for power against him to intoxicate him, and I guess uh their heir is uh... well... congrats to Stannis the lucky father, its a smoke monster! and he can also tell this is some evil satanic shit that'll blowback on them but he needs to bide his time if he's to get his master to see sense, so he asks when they sail for Kings Landing, and Stannis plans out his campaign on his map moving about chess pieces as he explains it, and Davos tries to tell him if he takes Kingslanding with the Red Lady by his side the victory will be hers, but Stannis just questions his loyalty as he autistically plays with his figurines and tells him to give him the hard truths, and since this show has immediately turned to shit and Davos cant actually tell him the truth because he'll sound insane what with being from a suddenly very badly written tv show where supernatural things exist but no one believes them he has to address how people believe hes the one taking orders from the Red Lady and warns him not to lose Renly's bannermen to her... and he actually listens and says they'll march on Kingslanding without her... but Davos will be leading their ships in the attack, which he claims he's not qualified for, but Stannis says hard truths cut both ways and he'll hang any of the lords who disagree, and Davos just shuts up and leaves knowing this is the best he'll get and Stannis looks down resigned as if he knows deep down it wont end well
then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is talking to Bronn about how fucked they are in the war now as bazaar stall owners try to sell him snakes and mangos and shit and Bronn suggests his father save them but Tyrion says he's too busy getting humiliated by Robb Stark, lmao, and they come upon ye olde edgy shitposting public speaker denouncing, uh oh, the corruption of their society, who surprisingly the city guard just walk past as he's calling them swollen, bloated, foul as brother and sister sleep in the bed of the king and we're surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten, and a crowd of commoners cheer and laugh in support as he decries the rotten king, and Tyrion is surprised to see such open disloyalty especially considering what Joffrey does to people who meme on him but he agrees to Bronn that the king is a lost cause especially what he did to his birthday present, and Tyrion approves of the speakers great imagination as he mocks the king for dancing down the halls in bloody robes to the tune of his demon monkey until Bronn points out that he's talking about him lmao, and then that the people are blaming HIM for controlling Joffrey, and Tyrion's upset since he's the one trying to save them, wtf I hate heightism now, and Bronn walks off saying he doesn't need to convince him leaving le open storyline of Tyrion trying to win back public favor
then we see Theon swagger up to the seaside with a self-satisfied grin on his face as he's in his family's official armor as he looks out at his... one ship... he's been allotted, and then he sees his men, the crew of the *sniggers* Sea Bitch approaching, and starts to talk to them but they ignore him, and he yells at them that their captain commands them to stop and THEY JUST LAUGH AT HIM LMAO and one asks where they're headed, and he orders them to raid a certain village promising them riches and women if they do their jobs well, but this big fat guy walks up to him telling him "I have been reaving and raping since before you left Balon's balls, Captain" as the other men laugh at him, wow very edgy, and he starts talking shit about overthrowing Theon right to his face who doesn't say shit until he walks away and then Theon pathetically starts insisting he'd have him hung as a traitor but the fat man just laughs at him and, oh deary, Yara comes in and starts laughing "stop! we yield!" and all the men laugh with her, lmao, absolutely fucking AMOG'd you little beta, and Yara starts boasting about her 30 fleet ship, the loyalty of her men and his shitty crew that are obviously going to mutiny him, and Theon looks out at the laughing men bricking himself, but then his first mate Dagmer promises to look after him, and if I know my edgy tv shows this'll actually be the guy to betray him, and yeah, Theon calls it and says they sent him to throw him overboard, and the guy says they wont respect him until he proves himself, but he knows that wont happen raiding a "piss poor fishing village", and the first mate starts winding him up to raid the seat of the "House of Tallhart" whoever they are as a bigger prize than "a few fishermen's daughters", nice literal rape culture, but Theon's too big a pussy for the first mates subtle egging on games as he's scared the Starks would take it back, but then the penny drops that that's what the first mate intends, that they get to prove themselves by winning a battle against the Starks I guess
then in Tywin's meeting room he's speaking to his generals about the state of the war with Robb being far too good as Arya cuts some food for them with a rather big bread knife hmmm and one guy suggests they need some sleep and Tywin gets triggered and basically says he'd fucking kill him if he wasn't his cousin and tells him to fuck off back home to Lannisport, and as Arya is serving him he asks her where she's from and she lies Maidenport, but he can smell bullshit from a mile away and asks who the lords of Maidenport are, and without flinching Arya says "House Mooton" (uh, I feel a rap coming on) but when he asks their sigil she looks around nervously as she doesn't know, lmao shoulda paid more attention in class like Bran does you dumb bitch, and Tywin says its a red salmon and exposes her as a Northerner and asks her one more time where she's from, and she says Barrowtown this time and names their lords and their sigil as two crossed longaxes beneath a black crown, which Tywin can probably tell is a lie and she only said that because she knew that trivia and is trying to seem honest enough to not need to wait around for him to ask it to seem overly tryhard at being convincing or some such lying memery but he's seen all the best lying tricks all before so he just asks her what they think of Robb Stark up there and she says they say he's a werewolf lmao and that he cant be killed with a smile as she remembers her brave brother and Tywin catches her smile and asks if she believes them and when Tywin smiles to his men she says while trying to keep a straight face but giving him a little maddog now he's looking away "no, anyone can be killed" but Tywin starts staring at her like he can see right through her, maybe from the moment he chose her as a servant, and just tells her to fetch him water
then outside Arya is sneaking about avoiding some soldiers but she's caught by... the creeper guy from the prison transport, who's now dressed as a Lannister soldier, uh oh, and he says he always realized she was a girl in some pretentious flowery language, and she just edgily says she should have let him burn if he's a Lannister soldier, and he says some edgy shit about how when she saved him and his two companions she stole three deaths from The Red God and now they owe him... so she must speak three names for him to kill, and she looks at him like this has to be too good to be true but maybe a trick, so to test it she says that man who tortures everyone, and as if this prick has a fucking Death Note or something he says "a man needs a name" and she says they call him the Tickler, hilarious, but apparently he doesn't have a Death Note since that's enough for him, ok, I'm guessing this dude is not a real Lannister soldier and just stole a uniform or something and he's really some weirdo religious fanatic and that's why he was locked up in the first place, going about killing random people because he heard someones nan recovered from her bad fall
then in the snow area of the map a big caravan of Night's Watchmen have left the forest and are tracking through the snowy hillside and Jon talks to the commander that they're going to meet someone called "the Halfhand" who's one of the only people to survive out there alone, and Sam is prattling on about how Gilly would like it out there much to the annoyance of his mates, and then we see the soldiers digging in for the night ontop of a mountain, where I wouldn't want to dig into never mind sleep in case an avalanche sent me falling off lel, and Sam starts geeking out that they've found some "fist of the first men", some small standing stones of the kind that are all over the real Britian from tens of thousands of years ago (whats the oldest building in America? Trump tower?), and is amazed at how old they must be, before the Targaryans defeated the Andals, who I guess are their version of Angles, where the word Anglos comes from, and before the Andals took Westeros from the First Men, who I guess are their version of the oldest celtic tribes that used to be all over the UK before the wee cucks in England got conquered by invaders over and over again, and Sam asks what they think the first men were like, and his mate says stupid for ending up in a place like this, but Jon, who is staring off at some absolute kino landscape photography that looks like the clouds are fucking rearing up like massive monsters to come get them, and says "I think they were afraid... I think they came here to get away from something... and I don't think it worked"
which makes me think of what the world would be like if like the Neanderthals that there's some evidence preyed upon early Homo Sapiens were still alive, would there be more unity amongst us if we had some other sub-species to content with, but then I remember Abos are still around so I guess not, anyway then they hear a horn blasting and Jon says one blast is for rangers returning and two is for wildlings as they see a caravan of people making their way over the horizon as they stand there waiting to see if they hear a second, and Sam mentions well they do it three times for White Walkers even though it's been a thousand years and they all dismiss him for having read it in a book, hah, fucking NERD, fucking learning about important mission intel, loser! but then Jon sees that it's whoever this Halfhand person is, I guess it was one of their scouts blowing the horn or something and not them
then we see Tyrion in some cellar holding a glass of like ye olde nitro from Crash Bandicoot as some old crazy coot hunches over with a grin and rubs his hand like ye olde happy merchant tells him to take care because that stuff will melt anything and Tyrion says he once heard if you piss on wildfire your cock burns off and the old chemist says "I haven't conducted that experiment myself" lel and takes it off him carefully and Tyrion turns and gives a gurn to Bronn as if he's either pissed the guy handed him something so dangerous or maybe just doesn't believe he has the real thing there, and the old man starts saying after the dragons died wildfire was the key to the Targaryens power, which I think is a reference to how GRRM said he originally intended for the dragons to actually be fake and just a trick the Targaryens would play using pyrotechnics to make people believe they had dragons which I would have much preferred if all this magic shit was just basically ye olde magicians and mentalists bullshitting people for power which is probably where all these legends come from including religion lmao like Jesus was probably just good at slight of hand and had brainlets thinking he could multiply fish he had up his sleeve and we're still talking about him 2000 years later
and Bronn declares that he's seen too many old men claiming their jars of pigshit were magic and the old man takes offence and starts ranting that this is a real weapon and Bronn derides him saying even if this shit was real in an actual chaotic battle all these pots would be falling all over their own castle burning them down too as the old man takes them down into a catacomb and opens up a big volt door and shows them his massive shelf upon shelf of pots of this shit to the amazement of Tyrion, so far they have 7811 according to the old man, but Tyrion concurs with Bronn that this shit is too dangerous and orders him to stop making it for his sister... he's now making it for him! ok this is more of what I want, just fictional allegories for real world historical weapons, like this shit is probably inspired by the real-world ancient incendiary weapon "Greek fire" where they'd shoot some sort of extremely flammable liquid at enemy boats that would burn on even the water around them, more of this sort of stuff and less nanomachines please
then in the city that's name I forgot already that starts with a Q we see Dany with her handmaiden trying to train her dragon, yes just like the kids CG movie, that shes named Drakaros, to use his flames on command, which it struggles to ignite a chunk of meat she's given it, but once it gets it going it cooks it and then gobbles it down, and she decides he can feed himself now, don't know how she knows its sex but ok, and Dany tells her the dragon loves her as she puts it back in its cage and her other handmaiden actually looks jealous, I guess she wants the big dragon knot or whatever they have
and the black dude, who the girls claim is the richest man is Esos (the mainland continent I guess), gave her a dress apparently, but it reminds Dany of being sold to Aquaman, and the jealous handmaiden says in Dothraki some prayer to bless him, and Dany and the other handmaiden look at her condescendingly like they already forgot Dothraki culture lmao, and then Dany says to her friend that they should learn more about the black dude suggesting that men talk about other men when they're happy, I guess hinting her to go suck some dick and get a guy spilling the beans about him lmao, and she calls Dany a princess and the bitchy handmaiden snaps that she's a Khaleesi, and Dany looks at her like fucking dumb savage, wow got quite the toxic femininity up in this bitch, and she awkwardly says Dany should wear the dress as she's a guest and mopes off and then Dany smiles at being back in civilized society I guess, then we see Dany happy as can be in some lovely fancy gardens a group of rich twats are chatting in and she gives her friend a cheeky smile who's flirting with some men as she herself is talking to some woman gossiping about the night markets but then suddenly her face drops as she sees... a drunk Jorah arguing with two of the remaining Dothraki warriors about how to steal a golden swan statue lmao, and she orders them to leave it much to their disappointment and as one of them leaves a servant offers him a drink that he immediately pours out and steals the gold cup lmao and Dany says some dumb shit about how she'll be a better queen, yeah with your like 15 total subjects who barely respect you as is, ebin, and then a creepy as all fuck old skinny bald dude with blue lips who looks like he's got fucking AIDS comes up and shows her a gem... offering for her to look in it... until she can see herself... and maybe even multiple copies of herself... and then he looks over and sees A COPY OF HIMSELF ACROSS THE GARDEN that says "often more than once!" and he invites her to The House of the Undying and creepily walks off with his clone as the startled crowd claps thinking it's just a trick
that would have been an interesting scene to make you wonder how this guy pulled that off, if he has a twin, or he has someone in disguise as his quite unique appearance you could mistake someone else as from afar, or if he hypnotized Dany into seeing him and thinking everyone else saw him, or just paid off the crowd to react as if they saw him too as she was under his hypnosis or something, but now we've seen a fucking smoke monster assassinate a main character it's just fucking pointless since it probably is just real magic and there's no point in depicting it as mysterious since yeah, he's just a wizard lmao, ebin, then the fucking XXX black dude turns up and apologizes for Pyat Pree and explains he's one of the thirteen leaders of the city, and she asks what The House Of The Undying is, and he says it's where the warlocks go to squint at dusty books and drink "shade of the evening" which "turns their lips blue and their minds soft, so soft they actually believe their parlor tricks are magic" yeah what a cool new dichotomy to introduce after confirming dementors are real, ebinnnn, I think I'm so mad since all other supernatural shit was quarantined in the shit storylines with Dany and Jon anyway not effecting the good writing centred around Kingslanding lmao, anyway then some woman WEARING A FUCKING GIMP MASK appears behind Jorah and points out his affection for Dany, doxxes him, claims to be no one, and warns him to look after The Mother of Dragons since she gives birth to fire, which is power, right, ok, great
then back in Westeros in some forest by a river Brie is letting her horse rest as she talks to Cat about how that smoke monster looked like Stannis to her but Cat says it looked like... and hesitates as if it looked like someone else she knew, but then backtracks and says it just looked like a shadow in the shape of a man, as if this thing takes the shape of whoever you're scared of or think would kill that person or something and is different to each onlooker like some Bogart shit, and Cats plan is to report to Robb but then see her youngest kids, and Brie admits she never met her mother, and Cat says her own mother died on the birthing bed when she was very young assuming that's what happened to Brie, and says its a bloody business but what comes after is harder, but Brie's not interested in such womanly things and asks if after she's seen her son she'll give her leave, idk why she's acting like she's loyal to her and isn't just doing her favor escorting her, and Cat asks "to kill Stannis?" and Brie says "I swore a vow" still wanting to be the honerable knight, and Cat warns her against the odds but Brie claims she can take on all his men and laments how she only held him that one time when he was dying as if maybe she had a crush on him but Cat insists shes served her duty and there's no point following him into the earth and suggests to her that Robb's enemies were Renly's enemies too, and Cats quite the manipulator too because it gets Brie thinking... and then offers to serve her, since she seems to have "a woman's kind of courage" (aka enduring bullshit happening to them over and over again lmao) as long as she doesn't hold her back from killing Stannis, and Cat promises not to, so Brie plants her sword and swears to give her life defending Cats, I mean uh Cat's life, not the animal cats, which would be a very tumblr thing to do, and Cat gets teared up seeing how strong this woman is, and takes her hand and promises she'll always be welcome in her family and to never give her a task that would bring her dishonor (so not demand she eat her out or anything I guess), I really like Brie's character, she might be a dopey naive cow but at least she's the like only genuine person with no secret agenda in the whole story, or at least so it seems
and then in Winterfell Bran is in his shitty dark throne room with his teacher on one side and his little brother very edgily smashing wallnuts open on the other as some poor farmer drones on about thieves and wolves raiding his barnyard and his sons are all away at the war so he has no one to help, and Bran gives him two orphan boys as long as he looks after them which the man is grateful for, and Bran has to tell his angst little brother to stop pissing about smashing things right next to him as he's trying to be the king, interesting that now Bran is taking his role more seriously and the angst has passed on to his little brother, as if just Bran maturing has meant the little boy can't be an innocent child anymore, and Bran calls Hodor to take him riding but then the dude with the pigtail neckbeard comes rushing in telling him "Torrhen's Square is under siege" by we know who and the teacher is shocked to hear the Lannisters have gotten so far North and the pigtials dude says maybe they're mercs or god forbid The Mountain and Bran says they have to help them so pigtails says he can still gather 200 decent men to go save them, and the teacher asks if they need so many, probably scared no one will be left for them, but Bran tells him "if we cant defend our own bannermen why should they defend us?" and pigtails smiles as Bran is already a more decent king than most, but when he leaves Bran looks as nervous as his teacher
then outside Hodor is carrying Bran around as he argues about his three-eyed raven dreams with the wildling girl who gets hotter and hotter as the show goes on as her hair gets nicer and nicer lmao, and after some extreme Joss Whedon dialog where they banter back and fourth about who's the liar or not Bran confesses his latest dream was of the sea coming to Winterfell and talks some edgy shit about dead men floating here in the yard, including the pigtails guy, and Osha gets anxious and goes to leave and Bran can tell they know what the thee-eyed raven means north of The Wall but she wont spill the beans yet to keep this dumb plot going on even longer, interesting dream though I'm guessing this is going hand-in-hand with the "winter is coming" shit for the overall theme of climate change being a threat every nation has to deal with but that the most powerful think they can ignore, remember to vote Bernie 2020
speaking of north of The Wall we cut to the lads staring off into a snowing mountain range thinking they can see a fire, and they're worried Mance Rayder and his army of ALL the wildlings will get a warning that they're coming, and some dude, I guess this is Halfhand or whoever, is warning the commander that he'll be teaching them their modern battle tactics and how to assault The Wall, so in turn they need to become more savage and unpredictable like them, just sneak in, kill Mance and scatter them all again before they can march on The Wall, clever thinking, but first they need to get rid of those lookouts, and he calls over three other men to go with him on the mission, and Jon wants to go and brags about killing a "wight", but they bully him about being disarmed by an old man who fucks his daughters, but fat fuck Sam offers to take up Jon's duties, so Halfhand, I guess because he lost half his hand to frostbite lol, agrees to take him
and back in Qatar or whatever Triple X is asking Dany how long Jorah's been in love with her, and she awkwardly denies it, but he claims he can almost always tell what a man wants... but women are much more complicated, which I guess is true but not any insult or compliment to women it's just that men are fucking retards who want the same thing lmao
and he asks her what she wants, and she says to sail across the narrow sea and take the Iron Throne, and he asks why, and she says because I promised my kalazar I'd protect them and find a safe home with failing confidence as if this is the first time she's realized huh maybe staging a 15 man invasion of an entire country might not keep them safe you dozy cow, but she insists that its hers by right, and he sniggers that she considers herself a conqueror, and she accuses him of being the same just less ambitious, but she asks why he offered his blood for her, and he says let me show you why and he takes her away to BLACKED.COM, no he shows her the door to a vault made from veleryan steel that he's been paying locksmiths and thieves to attempt to break in but the only thing that can open it... is the key around his neck, and he offers her half... if she'll marry him! oh so it is BLACKED.COM, I thought he was going to ask her to wait for her dragons to grow up and then burn it down with their fire or something because they lost the key lmao, and he boasts about how his parents never even owned a pair of shoes but he became this rich from his own ambition and gives her the news that Robert Baratheon is dead, and she looks.... well a bit dopey since Emilia Clark cant act lmao but I think this is meant to be her eyes lighting up
and then later she argues with Jorah about how she can take Westeros right now (with all 15 of her people) because of all the infighting from the Four false Kings, guess they didn't get the news about Renly's little nanomachine problem, but Jorah cautions against getting into debt to these rich men, but she says if she listened to that advice outside the gates they'd all be dead and snaps at Jorah for speaking to her like she's a child and starts demanding to know what he really wants having let XXX get under her skin with his extremely obvious observation and Jorah starts spilling his heart out about how she would make such a good ruler because of her gentle heart which is so rare for someone with a claim to the throne and he says some real friendzone fedoralord shit with "there are times when I look at you and I still cant believe your real!" absolute cringecore my man and Dany reacts with shock as she realizes XXX was right and he is in love with her and then gets emotional as she isn't sure how to handle it and awkwardly looks away and Jora counsels her to just get one ship because the allies they need are in Westeros and not in Qatar and he cringily bows to her and leaves and she does that classic soap opera thing of gasping to herself after the man she had an awkward talk with storms off
then with Arya we see the blacksmith kid who's name I forgot again is being made to upkeep swords and he practices swinging one and Arya tells him to stand sideways because that presents a smaller target to your foe, a technique still used in modern day firearms training, as she's remembering her lessons from that flamboyant dude, and then they hear a woman shriek and go over to see guards tending to a body and talking about seeing where he fell from and they move away to reveal THE TICKLER WITH A FUCKED UP SNAPPED NECK and Arya looks up to see this edgy weird guy eating an apple and smiling smugly and he raises his finger to her to indicate that's #1 of 3 kills he owes her and she smiles realizing he is was for real and it wasn't a trick to get her to admit to wanting the Lannisters dead or something like that, inb4 it still is and he turns her into Twyin, not too fond of this guy since he seems like the kind of le quirky dashing rogue character you'd see in far less realistic fantasy fodder
Game of Thrones 2x06: "The Old Gods and the New" you're no prince you faggot special edition
First aired: May 6, 2012
ok first scene is an old man, I think Bran's teacher I am pretty sure god forgive my internet addled memory and autism addled face blindness, rushing to write a message and put it on a crow he only just let loose as some soldiers kick down the door and accost him and he closes his eyes like hes getting ready to die, and then we cut to Theon barging into Bran's room and declaring IM TAKING YOUR CASTLE and Bran wakes up sleepily and is just like "uh Theon?" lmao and Theon raises his chin super proud and says "its PRINCE Theon now!" and Bran just rubs the sleep out of his eyes and Theon awkwardly says "I took Winterfell... I took it... I'm occupying it..... I sent men over the walls with grappling hooks...... to take it" holy shit what a cringemaster, and he keeps the cringe coming by unconvincingly saying he's a Greyjoy and can't fight for Rob and his father both while trying to pose dramatically looking out a window to impress a 10 year old boy, ah, ok, I just realized his first mates master ruse, it's not fighting the Stark forces at that town... its just distracting them so Winterfell is undefended, anyway Theon asks where Hodor is and Bran claims he doesn't know so he sends his man to find the halfwit and then tells Bran they're gathering everyone in the courtyard so he can say he's yielded Winterfell to him, but Bran refuses lmao, and Theon storms up to the foot of his bed and demands that he yields, but Bran just lifts himself up with the handle they've made for him to lift himself around bed and says calmly "no I wont, I'll never yield, we'll fight you and throw you out" and Theon sits on the bed like he can't believe he's getting maddogged by a fucking crippled 10 year old
and tries to explain nicely that the castle is mine but the people are still yours, and he'll yield to keep them alive, like its just a matter of fact that's what you have to do on both ends, and Bran looks sad as if he's realizing he's right, and Theon smiles thinking he's gotten through to him and tells him that's what a good Lord would do and goes to leave but Bran, realizing he has to fight with his words, asks Theon "did you hate us the whole time?" and Theon looks super hurt as this innocent little 10 year old boy stares into his soul, but as soon as Theon leaves Bran hardens up like it's whatever, then outside this weasley little fucking cuck is forcing Bran to tell everyone he's yielding Winterfell for Theon, who demands he say it louder and add PRINCE Theon, so he does while looking dejected as his little brother, teacher and Hodor look on sadly, and Theon starts to try and give a speech saying "you all know me as Theon" but then a large man comes forward interrupting him and yells "we know you FOR A STEAMING SACK OF SHIT" hahahah and Bran knows the best way this resolves for everyone is to just play along so tells Farlen to be silent, and Theon warns him to listen to his little lord, and Theon announces his father is king of the Iron Isles again and claims right to the rest of the North by conquest, but Farlen yells "bugger that! I serve the Starks!" but one of the squidboys bashes him on the back of the head with his club much to the amusement of the first mate
and Theon insists they need to be as loyal to him as to Ned Stark and orders the teacher to send a raven to his father declaring his victory and his sister to tell her to bring 500 men to Winterfell and the teacher just stands there as Theon yells at him but only agrees after a look from Bran, and then the qt wildling girl approaches calling him submissively and says "M'Lord Greyjoy", and Theon gets a smug grin on his face that she's "learned how to address your betters", and she offers to serve him personally... with a spear, but he doesn't trust her for shit so he's not a complete dolt and sends her on her way, and Bran asks her "why" as he can tell she actually meant it and she says she believes his dream would come true and wants to leave, and then the neckbeard pigtails dude gets dragged in by some squidboys having clearly been beaten and they say he took out two of their men before they got his sword and Theon says it grieves them that they meet as foes and the old fat neckbeard guy says AND IT GRIEVES ME YOU'VE LESS HONOR THAN A BACK ALLEY WHORE hahahahahahaha and shames him for betraying the people who raised him and Theon regurgitates his fathers brainwashing about how his brothers died fighting them and the neckbeard says yeah in a war your father started and Theon gets super triggered that he was never really Neds son, just a hostage, and the old man says he should have put a sword in his belly instead of his hand, and Theon says he served this house faithfully but if he keeps talking-and THE NECKBEARD DUDE SPITS IN HIS OPEN MOUTH AS HES TALKING!!! EWW!!!!!
and Theon recoils in disgust as his guards beat him and he orders them to take him to the cells, but his first mate tells him he cannot let that stand, he must pay... the iron price... and Theon isn't following until the first mate says they'll never respect him as long as the neckbeard lives, and then Theon's suddenly on board he's such an insecure little twat, and he looks around at Bran and his scared little brother but then sentences him to death, and Bran calls for mercy as he yielded and the teacher guy puts his hand on Theon's shoulder and tries to counsel him not to make a hasty decision and how this guy is valuable alive, and Theon thinks about it... but looks at his first mate who smiles to him, and Theon goes with the devil on his shoulder rather than the angel and orders them to kill him, and they drag the neckbeard dude over to the chopping block and he looks Theon straight in the eyes and says "the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, coward!" and when Bran cries and begs for them to stop he just looks over and says "hush now child, I'm off to see your father" as Theon takes a sword to his neck and asks him "any last words old man?" as the rare score starts up and the rain starts pouring down and the guy just looks him in the eye again and says "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy, now you are truly lost", and Theon looks at him like hes a shook pussy but then THEON SWINGS THE SWORD INTO THE OLD MANS NECK
BUT IS UNABLE TO CUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH SINCE HES SUCH A BETA, AND HAS TO HACK AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL HE HAS TO KICK THE HEAD TO GET IT OFF LMAOEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 28
and he looks around super adrenalin dumped with blood all over his face like he's forgotten where he is as Bran cries his eyes out in the background, very unbased & traitorpilled but if I know my edgy tv show he sure as fuck gets his comeuppance
then beyond The Wall Jon and Halfhand and the 3 men are walking through the hills as they discuss his direwolf ghost having a mind of his own like the wildlings they're hunting and he warns Jon the second he thinks he knows this place it'll kill him and they're fighting a war against the North itself, and Jon says some poetic shit about how he'd gladly give his life for the Watch, but Halfhand yells at him he wants him to curse and fight for his life but then says his own poetic shit about how his death will be a gift to those south of the Wall who he died for even though they wont know his name which is like some propaganda they tell kids going over to Iraq to get blown up that they le died for your le freedom in a completely unconnected conflict, and Jon looks completely gormless at him and he says "you're stupider than you look" lmao and admits that's all just "nice words to keep you warmer at night" so he was just winding him up and it's all pointless kek and as if to drive home the US soldiers deployed abroad theme more he says "we've gotta find these GOAT FUCKERS before night falls and they find us"
then back with Arya serving Tywin at his important meetings he is grilling some poor guy demanding to know if he can read or not who just sits there like a beta because there's been a mix-up where a letter was sent to the wrong house that's loyal to the Starks, ah ye olde sending an email to the wrong person, awkward! and Tywin can't even be bothered to threaten the guy for endangering his son so just does the "leave us!" meme, this dudes going to be running out of advisers soon, and he jokes that since Arya could pick out the relevant books on the matter that she should devise our next battle plan, I guess this is all to show that Tywin is such an alienated and harsh man who doesn't even have generals he can respect but he has a soft spot for Arya since he can tell how resourceful and driven she is despite her lowly circumstances, which could seem like bit of the ol characterwank but I think Arya's "earned" it so far by basically just struggling to stay afloat in a shit situation since last season rather than obviously having protagonist plot armor like Jon and Dany that people unbelievably respect at first meeting, but Arya bricks it when a guard announces to Tywin that his next guest is... LORD PETER BAELISH, aka CIA, and Arya tries to awkwardly leave but Tywin orders her to clean his meeting table as he clears his generals out and CIA comes in and Tywin, possibly knowing the full extent of Arya's predicament and is just testing her or some shit, offers him wine that she is forced to serve and she tries pouring it on the table from behind him, which she should have really just poured before putting the cup down and leaving quickly, as they discuss Renly's "rather short reign", with Tywin hearing it was a woman, but CIA says there's talk of... "Dark Forces" at play, what, the jews?
and as Arya almost manages to get away unseen Tywin stops her for a refill that she awkwardly gives while facing away from CIA and Tywin dismisses the rumors that "men love to blame demons when their plans fail" and CIA smugly says chaos is an opportunity to seize and Tywin, who has little respect for a slimy backstabber like CIA, says "you say that as if you were the first man alive to think it, what other brilliant insights have you brought me today?" lol rekt you pretentious fuck and CIA looks butthurt at a more masculine highborn man brushing off his intelligence, as if Tywin can just naturally say the most hurtful thing to each person because he's already looking down upon and being disgusted by the personal flaws of everyone else around him at all times anyway, and CIAs angle is that the Tyrelles are the third biggest land owners, which means the third biggest resources and recruits for war, which Tywin of course already knows and just goes "yes yes yes" to get him to the point and CIA says they haven't declared for either surviving King but Loras wants revenge on Stannis and Margery- but Tywin already knows, she wants to be queen, and CIA agrees looking smug as if he hopes he doesn't know that she wants to be THE queen herself and not just the kings wife so he can have one little bit of intel he doesn't, but Tywin points out that the Tyrelles also rebelled against his grandson, which leaves a rather obvious remaining third option for them to side with, but CIA proposes putting that issue to the side to get them to support them, and Tywin stares at CIA like he's already well aware he's only proposing this because it benefits him somehow and his only calculation is if it's to fuck him over or is mutually beneficial to him, and calls for more wine from Arya, which causes CIA to catch a glimpse of Arya, I forget, has CIA even seen Arya before lmao, I need a fucking chart to see what characters met what other characters, and Arya gets so shook at the mention of defeating her brother she accidentally spills CIAs wine, and Tywin gives a little murmur to himself as if that confirms his suspicions of his reading of the situation such he's such a perceptive man, possibly because of his own seemingly extremely high confidence he doesn't have any insecurities that might get in the way of reading other people (hard to fully know others when you're uncomfortable knowing yourself) like all the other intelligent characters have which is what makes him so compelling to watch despite what a ruthless evil cunt he is, and CIA just says "its only wine" as he tries to get a good look at Arya wiping it up but Tywin distracts him by saying he'll have his answer by nightfall and dismisses Arya just as CIA is about to clock her but he can tell there's something suspicious about her and maybe testing out a theory as to who she is CIA drops that he's recently met with Cat at the direction of his son concerning her daughters, but just as it's getting good we cut away without seeing if Arya heard that or if CIA or Tywin have their suspicions
to boring central with Jon lurking about behind a roc with his sword out ready to ambush some dudes sitting around the fire and when Halfhand gives the lads a nod and THEIR DUDE WITH A BOW SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAMPERS AND EVERYONE RUNS IN AND KILLS EVERYONE IN A BIG FIGHT AND JON CHASES DOWN ONE GOING FOR AN AXE AND... ITS A CUTE GIRL!
very wow much twist even though we've seen female wildlings before and obviously these people have women and kids up there, and Halfhand says there's no point sparing her as wildlings would rather bite off their tongue than give up info but this woman seems suspiciously well kept and suspiciously well spoken as she introduces herself as Ygritte and requests that her comrades be given a funeral pyre but Halfhand calls her out on wanting something to signal her friends in the area but she claims it's in case the dead come back as White Walkers and we dont know what causes them to turn yet maybe it could be anyone who dies up there like in The Walking Dead rules, and she clams up when Halfhand asks if they're planning to march on The Wall so he kneels down next to her and holds her cheek and asks with as much vulnerability he can must if her people captured him... would they take him prisoner... but she admits they'd behead him if they were feeling kind lis, and Halfhand just sighs and says they cant spare the food on her and cant let her go or she'd bring Mance's army on them so they need to kill her but before he can bloody his sword again Jon offers to do it, and Halfhand, like every other father figure in the show, for some reason cares about Jon having this moment of character development for himself, so leaves him alone to do the deed, when if Jon didn't have plot armor the guy would obviously not let a dude who obviously isn't sure of his conviction alone with her because there's obviously a risk he'd let her go or get rused and disarmed by her but here we are, and she realizes Jon's never killed a woman before and offers him to defect to Mance but Jon won't so she just bends over and offers her neck knowing he's too much of a forced protagonist good guy to do it and the woman starts piling the pressure onto him asking for a funeral pyre, threatening to haunt him if he doesn't do it clean, complaining of the cold of the blade, faffing about moving her hood out the way, using his full name, insisting that he get it over with quick, all just little things to get under his skin, and it has its desired effect as he does the dramatic thing no one would ever do IRL where he swings the sword down but against the rock, so she does some unconvincing move where she grabs his pant leg and pulls so hard it throws him off his feet somehow and legs it and Jon runs after her but she's jumping down the slippery jagged rocks she's used to traversing way faster than he can and he awkwardly clambers down do give chase but she's outpacing him easily so he just slides down the hill shes making her way down like this is fucking Apex Legends right into her to catch her and holds a knife to her but she tells him they both know he cant do it and points out that he's now lost, which was probably her intention, although pretty retarded since they're in the wide open mountains and he could just retrace their snowprints if he had to lul, and it seems like shes trying to trick him into calling out loudly so her people will catch him but he's not that dumb, ok very typical adventure story shenanigans that's obviously going to lead to a forced and dull Romeo and Juliet storyline of a romance between a Nights Watchmen and their enemy a suspiciously presentable Wildling woman, only thing that saves the Jon scenes is the cinematography for the mountain ranges is incredible so you can at least look at beautiful vistas as Jon stares slack jawed at people who suddenly become possessed by the sole function of leading him by the hand through his heroes journey
then at Kingslanding we see the young Mercyelle or whatever the youngest princess is called sniffling to herself upset as a fancy rowbot takes her away to a ship to take her to safety as Cersei and Tyrion look on and some priest guy does a prayer that goes "may the Mother give her health, may he Crone give her wisdom, may the Warrior give her courage" which is our first exposition on what the Seven actually are, but from what I've picked up from being forced to read about this shit on 4chan for years on end there's the Maiden, Mother, Crone, probably based on the three goddesses from wicca/pagan traditions that deify the three distinct sections of a woman's life cycle (girlhood when not yet fertile, womanhood when you can give life and post-menopause woman who can still spread their memes), the Warrior, Father and Smith, inspired by the Christian conception of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, which has never made any fucking sense to me tbqh, like, well, it's a fucking funny name, I guess a less retarded name is The Holy Spirit™, and I follow the idea of Jesus being God coming to Earth as a mortal man (although still with some of his admin privileges turned on so it's kind of cheating) in the form of his son to give his life for us (although that's also fucking retarded, what value does fucking God LARPing as a human have when obviously if his OC dies or stays dead is completely up to him? wouldn't it be less retarded to not have Jesus be God's alt account but have him be a demi-god like in less retarded pantheon religions? wouldn't that make more narrative sense that he genuinely was half-human but could still represent divinity? Jesus was a Mary Sue with plot armor is what I'm saying, shit book 3/10 for the bible), but what the fuck is the Holy Ghost, why is feeling love and salvation from God a separate thing? surely that's just part, and seemingly the most important part, of God? no one ever fucking mentions it so it's as pointless as it seems from the outside, a non-pointless Holy trinity would be The Father, The Son and The Mother, since Catholics pretty much already worship Mary anyway and that family unit is actually applicable to every day life unlike a fucking ghost or whatever, but I guess that would be edging a bit too close to gender equality for the (((Abrahamic))) religions, and the Seventh deity is the genderless (very progressive) Stranger who represents Death that every culture has some reference to, and I think the angle is the Seven are all different aspects of one God like the Holy Trinity shit so it's technically monotheistic, or maybe like how Christianity has that dumb Holy Trinity shit it's kind of a cultural evolution of trying to transition the polytheistic religions at the time into Judisms monotheism, and I guess all that shit was too confusing for Mohammad and he was just like no God didn't have a son are you people retarded, and that's kind of in this world going from the Old Gods plural, to the Seven representing one God to just one God and people go on about how there's just one and he's a fire god or whatever the Red Lady goes on about, fuck all religions
anyway Cersei deploys her dysfunctional coping mechanism to deal with her daughter having to be taken away by just being a cunt to Tyrion and saying "one day I pray you love someone, I pray you love her so much, when you close your eyes you see her face, I want that for you, I want you to know what its like to love someone, to truly love someone... before I take her from you" wow edgy, and Tyrion just turns to his sister and glares at her like fine, let's hate each other, fine by me, and marches off, and the youngest prince is crying as Joffrey calls him a little cat, I guess they didn't invent the word pussy yet, in disgust at a prince crying, but Sansa, I guess testing the waters a bit in the emotionally abusing her husband arena, says she saw him cry, and Joffrey just snaps in annoyance "I'm sorry did you say something m'lady?" with his incel rage, and Sansa does a bit more testing by telling him it's normal to cry, her little brother cried when his family was leaving Winterfell, but Joffrey just snaps "so? is your little brother a prince? not really relevant then is it?" and sulks off, calling The Hound a dog, who allows himself a little sneer at him when no one's looking, and Joffrey is escorted back inside the city by his guards and some commoners are waiting for him and start sarcastically jeering "all hail the king" and some are brave enough to start yelling murderer! bastard! at him oh shit, and some people are yelling for food, but all Joffrey reacts to is being called a bastard as he looks around confused as if he's only just realizing people wont automatically love him just for being King like he's been told all his life, and when they see Tyrion they yell FREAK at him and he can sense the atmosphere and warns the guards to take the youngest boy to the keep, and SOMEONE THROWS COWSHIT AT JOFFREYS FACE LMAO!!!
and he screeches to find whoever threw that and the guards struggle to hold back the angry crowd and The Hound puts his hand on his shoulders to stop Joffrey getting too close and things start getting ugly as the crowd grab at the guards and Joffrey orders to just kill them all and the crowd immediately starts beating the shit out of the guards swarming and stamping on them as they try to slash at them to keep them back and the guards try to escort Cersei and the girls out and The Hound grabs Joffrey who starts squealing for him to leave him alone and execute those people but they have no exits as the this riot kicks off all around them and is closing in and Tyrion sees their fat preist being dragged into the crowd and screaming in terror as THE CROWD TEARS HIM APART LIKE ZOMBIES, RIPPING HIS ARM CLEAN OFF, STILL HOLDING HIS INCENSE THING ok thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 29 from me fam since I am pretty sure there's not possible and you'd have to like twist someones arm back and fourth over and over again to be able to yank it straight off and is like some dumb shit from an old Peter Jackson splatterhouse movie
and Tyrion realizes he needs to protect Sansa as getting her on his side is going to be one of his best power plays and The Hound starts snarling like a, well, dog, as the crowd closes in and a guard slashes a commoner across the cheek and orders his men to protect the king and all the surviving guards form around Joffrey to escort him up the stairs and The Hound starts hacking into people like a mad cunt and they just barely get Cersei in behind him before they close the gate and Sansa finds herself surrounded by men who start to recognize her and they chase her down an alleyway giving the universal malicious chortle that indicates It's Bitch Raping Time and inside a building Joffrey is having a meltdown from actually encountering a real problem for the first time in his life ranting about how he'll kill them all and Tyrion says to his face that he's a vicious idiot and Joffrey screams at him that he cant talk to him like that and that they attacked him and Tyrion says its his fault for ordering their deaths, in Joffrey's defence they were clearly getting violent before he said that #CityGuardLivesMatter, and when Tyrion tries to tell Joffrey they're starving because of a war he started ne just hollars YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!! REEEEEEEEE!!! like a toddler having a tanty TYRION SLAPS JOFFREY
but oddly enough third time isnt a charm for child abuse as Joffrey tells them to just leave Sansa lmao but Tyrion snarls that without her they'll never get Jaime back and "you owe him quite a bit you know" and Joffrey sits there fuming that his other uncle clearly believes the rumors about his unclefather and then we see Sansa running around some storage area and she tries to slap one of the men but he just slaps her back so hard she gets decked and they tear her dress open and jump ontop of her and one asks YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED, LITTLE GIRL?
and we see Tyrion ordering some men to go find her but he refuses because he only takes his orders from the king and Joffrey just storms off and we get a lovely graphic rape scene as one of the men pins Sansa down, another two hold her legs open and the fourth starts getting his pants down as she begs for mercy but then SOMEONE EFFORTLESSLY LIFTS THE RAPIST OFF THE GROUND AND HE'S LIKE N-NANI?
and The Hound composes himself before turning to Sansa so she doesn't see his intense killing face and tells her she's alright now, helps her up, and carries her out on her back, leaving the fourth attempted rapist cowering in the corner, and speaking of rape outside we see the crowd has turned on itself and it's just a huge riot now with men pulling a woman's shirt off to expose her breasts and people beating the shit out of each other and The Hound marches through almost unnoticed to bring Sansa to the others and tells them "take the little bird back to her cage" as if he's not even kidding himself her life's back to happy and when Tyrion says "well done Clegene" he seem to take offence at being called his shitty family's last name and growls "I didn't do it for you" and storms off as Tyrion looks confused, I guess it's just that he hates bullies who prey on people weaker than them like his brother but that's too much of a sympathetic motivation for Tyrion who just assumes people only help others when expecting favors in return from them or their family, you know what I'm actually surprised she didn't get raped there since there'd be le realisms bitch thing to happen and from the outside this show seemed to have a lot more rape, I mean someone mentions rape like every second sentence but only actual on-screen rape so far has been Dany in the first or second episode which most rape culture saturated audience members might not even see as such, hopefully we get more so I have something to meme about
then speaking of rape Dany is along with a big black man waiting for The Spice King who's the second wealthiest man in Qarth and he starts nagging her to marry him, the first wealthiest man in Qarth, but Dany still has the ol stockholm syndrome for Aquaman, which I think I already discussed how that would be realistic since people who have are forced to pretend to like someone or even some government end up just actually liking it since it's easier than living with the tension and paranoia and guilt most normal people feel from lying for extensive periods of time and they end up devoted to someone they only started out pretending to like for survival but I think this retarded show is meant to have us like a serial rapist mass murderer as le cool and badass manly man who le based and unapologetic for his lifestyle but also his le love for his le wife and we're meant to respect Dany for... accustoming herself to their (horrible) culture and affirming herself as queen? even though she never really did shit and no one barely listened to her? and it's all been for nothing other than the contrivance of her having those dragon eggs? idk this whole Dothraki storyline has been dogshit from day one but at least it made some sense she was in the special position of the king's wife but now she's just in full blown Mary Sue territory what with coincidentally being The Mother of Dragons everyone somehow already knows about, and this black guy tries chatting her up but Dany says she wont fall for it and this r/redpilled motherfucker says "I have travelled far and wide and never met a woman immune to flattery" and then ah yes the fat man arrives talking all dramatically about how he had terrible dreams keeping him awake and tells Dany how beautiful she is and Dany looks up at him in complete disgust lmao yeah that's how I feel watching your storyline too
and he keeps prattling on about how she's so gorgeous and too good for XXX who banters back about how his grandfather wasn't so highbron either and Dany looks like shes itching to take a piss or something and snaps at him he cant give her what she wants and the spiceman is like "ooh she has a penchant for drama!" can say that again mate and Dany obnoxiously declares that what she wants is "THE SEVEN KINGDOMS OF WESTEROS, MY BIRTH RIGHT!" since her father was the Mad King they all speak about even though they've never addressed that openly so Dany feels extremely disconnected from the main story especially when others talk about the Tygerian children being murdered which could have just been other other siblings or maybe there's some dumb twist where they lied to the public that they had killed Dany and her brother and no one knows if they're still alive idk since Dany seems like a complete sheltered dolt and not like someone who you'd think would be a bit more world weary or street smart or fucked in the head or just not... her... if her father was a schizophrenic mass murderer king and she demands ships from him and this fat guy condescendingly tries to tell her he needs his ships for taking spices from one place to another and calls her out for being unable to pay him back but she claims there's many in Westeros who support her claim and he just points to her and goes "when were you there last?" as if trying to explain to a 8 year old why she can't go to McDonalds every day
and she starts ranting about how the people will rise to support their rightful queen and the spicefat says he cant make an investment based on wishes and dreams and goes to leave but Dany's asks him if he knows a certain magistrate guy and when he says yes Dany goes on this big cringy impassioned rant about how he gave her petrified dragon eggs and she had a dream she could hatch them and only she could walk into the fire with them unharmed and hatch them because she's The Mother Of Dragons™ as her eyebrows are going fucking apeshit wagging up and down like caterpillars trying to climb up her forehead sideways
the spice king stares at her in amusement as if he's almost breaking character from seeing by far the worst fucking performance on the show with this woman looking like she's taking a really big shit as she tries to emote something along the lines of intense confidence and Dany marches up to him and asks "do you understand?" as if this tiny womanlet all alone in a strange city can intimidate him and he just looks bemused like "wait... is that take seriously going in the final edit?"
and she tells him "I'm no ordinary woman... my dreams... come true" wow very cool and epic story element that has not been fucking introduced before, it's Bran who has the prophetic dreams, I don't think we've had any dream sequence from Dany at all, she just suddenly wandered into the fire like an autistic retard, this feels like its referring to a deleted scene or something, what the absolute FUCK is going on in this scene, she is literally making herself look LESS competent to pay this dude back, and the black dude looks at the spiceking like "don't look at me, white bitches be crazy"
the spiceking literally does the "facts don't care about your feelings" Ben Shapiro meme by saying "in business I trust in logic, not passion, I'm sorry little princess" and Dany has an absolute tanty and literally follows him as he tries to leave up the stairs like a belligerent weirdo on New York City public transport ranting about how "I am not your little princess! I am Daenerys Targaryen, stormborn of the blood of old Valaria! and I will take what is mine! with fire AND blood I will take it!" is this woman fucking bipolar or something and without even turning around as he walks back up the stairs the spiceking tells her "yes m'lady, but not with my ships" lmao, what a god awful scene, it literally makes zero sense for her character to be that motivated since this is entirely her delusional narcissist spoiled toff brothers dream she should be averse to because she hated him, and the only reason she tried to become le empowered was to avoid being so painfully raped by the barbarian warlord she was sold to, now that he's dead she should only be interested in her survival that she struggles for with her le feminine wiles or whatever her character is set up to be like and if they want her to have some empowering task just leave it at looking after whats left of Aquamans people, her characterization of being even more of an entitled megalomaniacal conqueror than her shithead brother is absolutely bizarre and makes her seem actively psychotic that she thinks she can manage this when having like 20 braindead savages loyal to her, I get that Emilie here and the writers and probably GRRM are going for that she's le empowred and driven woman trying to manifest her will with determination or something but it's so obviously unbelievable, contrived, forced and cringy from the performance to the plot that she just comes across like she needs medicated or something, but hats off to them for making the Dany storyline even worse than the boring and pointless Conan the Barbarian fanfiction
then thank fucking god we are back in Westeros with Arya cleaning up the one set Tywin is ever seen in and she sneaks a peak at a letter he has on his desk about Robb but he catches her and asks "who taught you how to read?" and she whimpers "my father" and then we get some odd development where Tywin talks about how when Jaime was learning how to read his Maestro told him that he was having trouble with reading letters because "he reversed them in his head", so Jaime has dyslexia? uh ok, getting ready for some extreme edge where Tywin rapes him everytime he fails to read or something, and Tywin says "the Maestro said he'd heard of this affliction and that we simply must accept it, Ha! after that I sat Jaime down for four hours every day until he learned, he hated me for it, for a time, for a long time, but he learned" and he tells this entire story with a smile as if he's proud of improving his son even if it was tough, just like how he had Tyrion's wife get gangbanged to try and toughen him up and learn not to fall for seductions, obviously it ruined Tyrion's life to this day but to Tywin being more callous and untrustworthy like him is an improve since he sees, probably accurately, that his ruthless detached nature is what makes him so successful in this environment, but still at the end there is a great part of his performance where he makes a noise like "hmm" as if even to him there's at least a subconscious doubt if it's all worth it, since he probably knows all too well how extremely fucked in the head his kids are, and he asks if Arya's father is still alive, and when she doesn't answer fast enough he realizes he dead and asks "who was he?" and she quickly thinks of a lie and says "a stonemason" and he doesn't seem to believe it and is like "a stonemason who could read?" and then asks "what killed him" and there's a good take from Maisie Williams here where she lets herself say "loyalty" with just a tiny glint of a proud look on her face like her dad is still her hero, and Tywin looks at her with a glint in his eye as she call tell what she just did, telling a truth she's emotionally invested in to better sell her lie, and he says "you're a sharp little thing, aren't you?" and she just tries to look innocently at him but as he turns away she asks "did-" and he instantly snaps back around and she gets shoot and says "sorry my lord I shouldn't ask questions" but he smiles and says "no, but you've already begun" and she asks, trying to better understand the man who wants to kill her entire family, "did you know your father, my lord?" and he nods and says "I did, I grew up with him, I watched him grow old, he loved us, he was a good man, but a weak man, a weak man who nearly destroyed our house and name" and while Tywin wanders to his chair lost in reminiscing Arya, oh shit, steals the letter about Robb, and it's interesting that, from Tywin's perspective at least, his dad wasn't a harsher bastard than even he was like most characters like this use to excuse how they treat their own kids, but was too much of a soft cunt, so he probably purposefully tried to make himself the way he is in response to that, and probably did to himself what he's done to his kids, and then as if thinking about his childhood had this effect on me he says "I'm cold" almost vulnerably and Arya says she'll go get firewood
then outside in the ruins we see Arya reading the letter and oh god its in cursive it says uhhh their armies will meet by the end of the week or something and Arya is like uh oh
and goes running around with the letter in her hand like a fucking moron and bumps straight into some commander guy who takes it off of her and Arya claims Tywin gave it to her but he doesn't believe her and goes to grab her and ARYA LEGS IT rushing through the crowd of guards, and due to being a fucking moron the guard chasing her doesn't just yell to his men "grab that child!" he just barges past them yelling to get out the way and when he gets around the corner she's slipped away aka hid around one more corner one meter away he's too lazy to check and then she sees this guy searching for her so runs off looking for her personal Death Note, grabbing another guy with long brown hair at mistake at first, but then finds the edgy dude and tells him "Amory Loch!" I guess that's the guys name and he says some pretentious shit about "a girl has named a second name, a man will do what must be done" with a cheeky grin, god this guys annoying, and Arya screams NOW! at him and the guy recoils like jesus christ I'm trying to be charming here don't be mean and tells her some pretentious shit about how a man cant do something until the right time but she just yells at him that he's going to tell Tywin now and he sighs and gives in, what a weird fucking storyline, just tell him to kill Tywin too and your family will win the war easily with Joffrey leading it lmao
and then we cut to a hilarious scene where Amory opens the door to Tywins office and he turns around expecting news but Amory immediately drops dead with a poisoned blowdart in his neck like this is a Hitman game or something where you have to rush around killing guards before they can grass you up, and Tywin yells for his guard and looks curiously at him like this is quite an interesting turn of events why would someone with this skill right outside his door assassinate this dipshit and not him, why indeed Arya you fucking moron, but I guess she figures Tywin being there and speaking sense is the only thing keeping her and Gentry from getting tortured to death so is keeping him around for her own survivals sake, even though she could probably easily escape with him and even the fat kid with her amazing stealth skills
then we see Robb walking through his army as they greet him with respect until he interacts with them showing respect back in that way that main characters interact with extras who they aren't paying to have lines like just smiling at them without saying anything or picking up their helmet and admiring it before giving it back until he sees that nurse who talked shit to him before called Talisa and accosts her as she's clearly working taking notes in a book and starts chatting her up saying she's clearly from noble birth and they flirt a bit back and fourth where she tries to deny it but he can tell and then he joshes her about being a spy and she joshes him back pretending to admit it, which if I know my Breaking Bad means she is actually a spy lmao, and pretends what she was writing was a report to the Lannisters, and Robb offers for her to join him, but before he can finish awkwardly his mother appears and he awkwardly introduces them and Cat is immediately suspicious of anyone trying to romance her children and asks her politely about her family and she answers but then makes an excuse to leave and Cat just looks up at Robb like hmm but then she reminds him that they already promised he'd marry that weird bridge guys daughter much to Robb's displeasure and then they're interrupted by a messenger with news from Winterfell, uh oh
then back with retard dipshit Jon who's managed to get lost running 10 meters down a hill is wandering around with the wildling redhead girl who's name I'll never remember and she taunts him about his brothers deserting him and how she could tell him where to go but he just starts tying her up in some kinky bondage and she starts trying to bait him into following her directions to shelter, starting a fire or... huddling for warmth with her, and that's what gets him and he tries to resist but ends up laying down next to her and angrily putting his arm around her and holding her close and she gives a cheeky look and starts needling him about if his men are looking for him and how he's stupid but brave and then she smiles as if she's glad she's stuck with such a pushover and starts... grinding her ass against his crotch lmao, but little does she know Jon is a level 4 MGTOW who wants to live with other men for the rest of his life and hisses at her to stop it and she gives it a rest for a second but keeps doing it again and Jon huffs and finally closes his eyes, based Jon turning down the roastie thot, further continuing the theme that the most powerful men in the story are adult virgins: Jon has his MGTOW vows to the Watch and wont fuck women from fear of getting them pregnant, CIA is a beta orbiter friendzdoned by his oneitis, Varys has obtained his wizard powers by doing life-long nofap, Tywin is a redpilled alpha who knows women are worthless whores who deserve to be raped and Joffrey is a militant incel on a nation wide beta uprising who would rather beat women than fuck them from his severe mommy issues, the only virgin male who isn't empowered is Sam and that's because is an obese neckbeard who'd wear a fedora if they were invented yet who still hasn't taken the redpill and thinks he can get a gf by being a nice guy but is being cucked by the girls own Chad father
then we see Robb and Cat reading Theon's letter from the teacher guy about Winterfell and Robb is heartbroken his best friend would betray him but the commander guy says "the Greyjoys are treasonous whores" rofllll and Cat paces around in anxiety as he has no news on the boys but hearing the pigtails neckbeard guy got iced sets her off yelling at Robb she said not to trust a Greyjoy, and Robb starts ranting about how he needs to go North to kill Theon but the commander guy tells him he'll have his bastard in the Dreadfort get a few hundred men to retake Winterfell from Theon's skeleton crew within the month but he has to stay here since they have the Lannisters on the run, which Robb accepts but insists they bring him Theon so he can behead him himself
then we cut to Theon getting drink as the wildling girl is looking edgy and unhinged at him but asking him to be able to serve him again and he refuses to trust her but after she just says it another two times with a different inflection each time like trying to get a dogs attention Theon catches on she means le benis in bagina and asks what could her people know "how to eat dirt" and grins at her like a retard at his amazing 80 IQ joke and she says "other things..... savage things" and takes her top off showing her tits while the actress does her best deadeyed blankfaced Aubrey Plaza impersionation and Theon goes wide eyed and starts breathing heavy as he's immediately entranced and then the dumbass sends his guard outside as he bites into his apple all riled up, see this is why Theon is the most pathetic coward in the show, he's the male character who has the most sex, and thus has his masculine essence stolen by roastie thots, he is ignorant to the ways of the enlightened adult virgin and the wildling girl drops her dress, revealing a suspiciously healthy, suspiciously unmarked, suspiciously clean and suspiciously groomed body hair to modern standards for a woman who's lived in a forest all her life and only worked as a slave in a medieval castle for a few months and by suspiciously I mean it's stupid bullshit for Americans to jerk off to on TV, not that I think it's part of the plot like how Jon's new redhead love interest is obviously going to turn out to be someone from south of The Wall who's gone North as part of some elaborate mystery like being the traitor guys daughter or something
and she covers her tits and says "it comes at a price" and Theon chuckles and says "I'm not killing you that's your price" um excuse me that's rape culture but she coyly says "I've already had that" and so Theon, not being a complete bastard to just overpower her, asks "whatdaya want then? other than your miserable life?" and she says "what all free people want, me freedom" and reveals her tits again and Theon, having the mind of a chihuahua in heat, cant think straight enough to turn her down, swallows hard as he goes lightheaded from arousal, and tells her "well you shall have it then... but only if you serve me well", obviously this woman can not exactly give informed consent freely here as she's bargaining not to be a fucking slave anymore to a guy who could kill her whenever he wants but I wont chalk this up as a rape since then every sex scene in this shows context could be considered a rape scene and I hate women so there
then speaking of women getting what they deserve we see Tyrion's cag dabbing on Sansa, no not like that, on her bloody eyebrow, and Sansa tells her how she saw it in the man who hit hers eyes that he hated her, "he never met me before but he wanted to hurt me" yeah welcome to being a woman, and the cag explains "you are everyting he will never have, your horse eats better than his children" interesting and accurate she's going for a class resentment angle and not the incel rage that he cant get a girl that looks like that or, dare I say it, female privilege of being doted on, although it seems like The Hound is an uglycel so maybe that's why he could beat him, his incel rage was stronger, and Sansa starts whining that she'd give them bread if she had it and that she hates the king more than any of them and the cag tries to remind her not to say that in case the wrong people hear her, but Sansa says shes not the wrong people, but the cag tells her "don't trust anybody, life is safer that way"
and to prove her point we see Theon asleep naked in bed and.... the wildling girl rising up from the darkness beside him and she slinks out of bed and goes slithering away out the room (just stab him right then and there you dopy cow) http://rubycalaber.com/img/GoT/333.jpg
and then we see her sneaking around outside with her robe back on when a guard catches her and like a male player having a bit too much fun playing as a female character in a DnD game she tells the guard who caught her that she's a gift from Theon to him and all the other guards and this dumb retard falls for it and lets her straddle his lap and make out with him but then SHE SLITS HIS THROAT WITH A KNIFE SHE HAD UP HER SLEEVE
and then she whistles a signal and HODOR, BRAN, HIS BROTHER AND THEIR TWO DIREWOLVES SNEAK OUT heeheehee very nice, other than there was no reason for her to fuck Theon to be able to do that at all lmao and shoulda just killed him too
then back in retardland Dany is whining to this poor black dude (who looks like he's regretting his offer to marry her lmao) about how the spice king not investing in her, the silk king also turning her down because he does business with the Lannisters, and the copper king only has a single ship... if she'll fuck him lmao, but she refuses to whore herself for a boat, and xXx tells her when he first came to this city he had nothing but built himself up to the richest man and that path was not always honearble but he has no regrets because he made it, this fucking cuck is telling his would-be wife to go fuck another man for 1 boat lmao, and then he opens a gate to the garden they're walking to and they find THERE'S DEAD DUDES EVERYWHERE and at first I thought these were like Dany's remaining soldiers that this black dude was saying he had no regrets because he was the one who had them killed and was about to tell her she has no choice to marry him or something but he runs off screaming for help
and Dany runs through these dead dudes who I guess are Qatar or whatever city guards and past some of her dead Dothraki soldiers as other Dothraki come up after her as she goes to her room and finds... HER DRAGONS HAVE BEEN STOLEN and she sees her dead handmaiden who was making snippy comments before and sits over her corpse and screams WHERE ARE MUH DRAGONS?!!? and then we cut to a figure hidden under a white robe carrying a box on their back that we can hear the squealing baby dragons in as they bring it up to a tower, yeah just leave your extremely valuable asset that is the only reason anyone gives you respect in your bedroom don't hide them anywhere or anything good thinking Dany, I'm legit confused, are we meant to think Dany is a pathetic loser? like literally everything she does is fucking pathetic lmao, she pathetically falls in love with her rapist, she pathetically respects the demented culture that abandoned her at first notice, she pathetically goes on impotent rants about how she'll kill anyone who wrongs her and invade a whole continent with her well now like 12 people left, and now she pathetically loses her surrogate children, I mean it'd make sense if she was meant to be a delusional mentally unbalanced trauma victim who's living in a fantasy world because she's been getting abused all her life or something but I think she's meant to be on this like epic heroes journey of rising to ultimate power or something, idk this storyline is literally like a comedy of errors or something, a funny and very accurate reading of her character could be that she's inherited her father's mental illness lmao but from spoilers I know she does actually succeed in bringing armies to Westeros and successfully winning battles so I guess she's just a badly written Mary Sue
Game of Thrones 2x07: "A Man Without Honor" you know nothing about pussy, Jon Snow special edition
First aired: May 13, 2012
so this episode opens with Theon waking up since this stupid woman's plan involved actually giving him earlier notice than he'd have gotten otherwise that something is wrong by her going to bed with hi and not being there when he wakes up and we see him standing over the body of his dead guard asking "a cripple? you let a cripple escape?" to the fat asshole who bullied him before and he blames Theon for fucking the wildling woman and he looks super edgy and disgruntled because he knows he got manipulated super easily by her but then he remembers he's the Prince so HE PUNCHES THE FAT GUY IN THE FACE AND RECOILS AS HE HURT HIS HAND SO STARTS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM lmao I love the ungainly way Theon's actor does all his violent scenes in like he's not a natural fighter at all and just sort of flails around when attacking someone and as his first mate guy gives a big grin at how Theon is becoming more and more violent he orders for the hounds to be released as they hunt down the special olymics squad, and the teacher guy is with them and asks Theon for mercy for the little boys but Theon says so what he was a little boy when he got taken and he kept his word and never ran away as if that's something to be proud of and the teacher guy tries the "more valuable to you dead than alive" meme on him but he's not worried and is confident his sisters forces can back him up against the Starks and when the dogs start barking he tells the Maester "dont look so grim, its all just a game!" like he's such a manchild
then we cut to the wolves running through a field and the amazing group of Hodor carrying Bran, the little boy trying to pry open some wallnuts, which seems like a nervous habit for him, that Hodor helps him with and the wildling woman saying they need more food since he cant survive on wallnuts forever, but the little boy insits he'll be fine, but then they come across the farm Bran sent the two orphans to, Jack and Billy according to the little boy, I see GRRM ran out of fictional names here and just looked in a phonebook, but Bran's already a street wise shotcaller and knows it'd just put them in danger of being tortured by Theon's forces trying to find them but the wildling woman says they cant outrun their hounds forever as they weigh their options
then we see Jon waking up still with his arm wrapped around the wildling woman and she asks "did you pull a knife on me in the night?" referring to his MORNING WOOD lmao, and Jon suddenly recoils away from her as if he's scared she raped him in his sleep or some shit and his fear of siring a bastard might be realized, and he hops up and awkwardly flattens his jacket lmao and the redhead is like whats the big deal "cant be the first time you've pressed your bone against a woman's arse" and Jon edgily growls "lets move" and pulls her up to untie her but her virgin radar goes off and she's like "you're a boy who's never been with a girl? don't your stones start to hurt if your bone d-" and he tells her to stop calling them that and she winds him up by keep doing it and needling away at him saying "I heard they get all swollen and bruised if you dont use them" as Jon walks her through the hills on a rope this is literally like the start of a porno or something, or since its 2019 and porn doesn't have plot anymore the start of a hentai I guess would be more relevant, and she says "or maybe that's just what the guys say when they want me feeling sorry for them, as if I'd feel sorry for them" as if you don't fuck them all you THOT and she asks if since the nights watch have no women all the men just do it with each other lmao but Jon says "no, we swore an oath" and she asks "you have sheep at the wall?" innocent as if they really do fuck goats up there and then she settles on "just your hands then, no wonder you're all so miserable" lmao thats what Sams problem is, not doing nofap, Jon meanwhile has been nohands edging thinking about his sister for years if I know this show
and then they start screaming at each other about which one of them is really the free one, if Jon's gay or not, and how they're not the ones invading the wildlings land, they're the ones who invade south and tried to kill his brother (that I guess he read about in his message from bran@crows.com) but she insists this is all their land and they've been there the whole time and its them that put up the wall and said it was theirs, really makes ya think about the modern day issues of more advanced armies going to war against impoverished people claiming they attack them too, outside forces imposing borders on an area, colonizers displacing native people and, dare I say it, Israel... oh yeah and Trumps wall I guess but that's never being built so its not an issue, and Jon insists his family have blood of the first men, and the redhead just asks "so why are you fighting us?" and Jon doesn't have an answer so she just keeps walking, which makes me think even more, in fact what with the answer being "well we're scared you're planning to attack us" it makes me think about the whole war on terror and maybe this Mance Ryder figure uniting all these different poor people into one army, what with knowing all the Nights Watch tactics because they trained him, kinda reminds me of an Osama Bin Laden figure, and when she walks off with Jon standing there staring off into space like an idiot the rope starts pulling taunt making him follow her as if she's actually the one that's got him on the lead, makes ya think
then at the ruins the Lannister army are using as an HQ we see they are lynching what seems to be the servants one by one trying to get them to spill the beans on who killed that guy and Tywin looks out the window listening to the screams of torture victims with a pleasant look on his face like it doesn't bother him at all and he's in fact pleased that his army are efficiently questioning multiple possible witnesses at once as he sniffs the killers dart and identifies it as "wolfsbane, a rare substance, this is no common assassin" and The Mountain, played by the new actor who looks a bit too intelligent to be playing this attack dog brute character, booms to him "we hung 20 men last night" and Tywin demands "he tried to kill me, I want his name and his head", maybe he really does think that or is onto what really happened but doesn't want anyone else over reacting before he can see this thing with Arya play itself out, who's serving him his drink right now, and The Mountain growls "we think it was an infiltrator from the Brotherhood Without Banners", sounds like Soldiers Without Borders from Metal Gear Solid or some shit, which Tywin dismisses as "a pretentious name for a band of outlaws" but Tywin knows if they can keep harassing them they look like heroes while they look like fools which is how kings fall, and The Mountain grumbles "killing them isn't the problem, its finding them" as he eyes Arya handling a meat knife and skewer as if he's thinking these assassins could be anyone... even her... so I guess he's not that much of a mindless brute afterall, and Tywin teases "you going soft Clegene? always thought you had a talent or violence, burn the villages, burn the farms, let them know what happens when they choose the wrong side" and The Mountain just murmurs and leaves like razing a region is regular business for him, then there's an interesting exchange where Tywin says he doesn't like mutton and offers it to her, but Arya can tell he just wants to get her stuck in "casual" conversation with him and tries to make excuses to eat it later, shoulda said you were vegetarian that's what I did once when I was 12 to get out of eating with my American family and then just kept up the meme my whole life lmao, but he just orders her to sit and eat and offers her the carving knife as if testing to see if she'll have a go, and Tywin says she must be underfed but Arya slips up and shares that she eats loads but just never grows, something that must bother someone as independent as her, and Tywin goes "hmm" like he's had his suspicions confirmed, a stonesmiths daughter is well fed and taught to read? unlikely! but also perhaps that reminds him a bit of his own son and he takes this rare opportunity to be honest in this weird dynamic where he's got Arya by the balls, or ovaries or whatever
and she doesn't even know it so he can just have her merced whenever he wants and tells her that this will be his last war win or lose, I suppose because of his age, and Arya asks if he's ever lost a war, and he turns around and looks at her with an always simmering low burning contempt for the whole world and asks "you think I'd be in that position if I'd lost a war?" and Arya shakes her head shyly and he nods that she gave the right answer like he's almost her teacher and when he says "this is the one I'll be remembered for" Arya grips her knife as if she wants to take the opportunity to win the war for her family and she starts staring intently at the back of his neck as the rare score starts up as Tywin talks about how they're calling this "the war of five kings", I guess now that Theon's father has entered the ring it is, and this will be his legacy, and then he suddenly turns around to ask Arya "do you know what legacy means?" when she doesn't say anything and she has to quickly whip around back to her meal oh shit and he tells her "its what you pass on to your children's children, its what remains of you when you're gone" AKA passing on your memes as well as genes as a method of overcoming death if even a little, and he nods to her as if he's trying to impart his memes to Arya and is maybe just testing her steel by turning his back to her, and then he talks about how Harron the Black thought this greatest fortress ever built would be his legacy but now is in ruins, and he asks Arya if she knows what happened, and she says "dragons?" and he's pleased to hear she got it right and talks about how the fortress was built to withstand attack from land... but not from air, Harron and all his sons roasted alive inside these walls, and Arya looks around and realizes oh yeah, they are all scorched black and every non-stone thing is new, which I guess is what the dragons represent more specifically than just military might and WMDs, they're air superiority, which simply wouldn't exist otherwise in this world (dank idea for fanfiction I just had: the Game of Thrones planet but we jump ahead 2000 years to where they have modern technology, but still have to deal with shit like dragons, white walkers, smoke monsters and long ass winters) and Tywin says every child alive still knows that Targarian guys name which I've yet to remember because he changed the rules even though it was 300 years ago (so I guess his family was in power from then until only 13 years ago when Robert overthrew the Mad King), but then Arya has been reading her tumblr and corrects him that it wasn't just Aegon that changed the rules... it was also his sisters, which seems to be a theme in real world history where whenever a woman did something ebin she had to let her husband or brothers or father take the credit since otherwise no one would give it to her, but Tywin is pleased that she's a student of history and Arya starts talking about the names of the dragons they all rode that I guess she saw personally in the catacombs of Kingslanding and Tywin murmurs "I'm sure I knew that when I was a boy" as if jokingly not letting himself be out-trivia'd by a 12 year old girl and Arya talks admiringly about how great a warrior one of the sisters was that had a valarian steel sword and Tywin smiles as warmly as he can and asks "shes a heroine of yours I take it?" as if he's enjoying being a father figure again and maybe wishes his children had such respectable inclinations as Arya, and he asks why she's not more interested in things most young girls like like pretty maidens from songs, and Arya just says "most girls are idiots", which I believe is what they call a case of ye olde internalized misogyny (but she's also right lmao most stereotypical things for either gender are dumb shit), and Tywin goes "HAH!" probably the most he's laughed in years and says "you remind me of my daughter" (who outright hates other women lel), who is maybe his favorite child since we haven't heard him say anything bad about her yet, and he asks where she learned all this stuff, and Arya says longingly "from my father", and when Tywin says "mmhmm, he was a well-read stonemason", her eyes snap back up to his as if she's growing more confident and he says "cant say I've ever met a literate stonemason" hinting that he knows whats going on and Arya cheekily asks "have you met many stonemasons my lord?" and Tywin gives this mischievous smirk as if that's the first time someone's spoken back to him in years and he likes it but he warns "careful now girl, I enjoy you, but be careful" as he cant have her being cheeky to him in front of others, seems to be trying to teach her his memes and is letting her know she can't get away with cheek like that in front of any other powerful men so shouldn't get in the habit and maybe knowing his own harsh mentality too well that the second it stops being fun for him is the second she's in danger and whatever this fucked up situation is reaches it's next stage, interesting how everyone needs to walk on eggshells more and more the more and more powerful people get almost like an abusive relationship and reminds me of certain governments around the world even in the modern day, and maybe for her own safety but as a reward for playing along with him he tells her to take the food back to the kitchen and eat what she wants but as she leaves he stops her and says "m'lord... lowborn girls say "m'lord"... not "my lord", if you're going to pose as a commoner you should do it properly" and Arya wont risk letting her guard down to such a dangerous man who might just be trying to coax it out of her by being so jovial and she claims "my mother served Lady Dustin for many years MY LORD, she taught me how to speak proper-properly!" and Tywin gets a little smile like he approves of her keeping her mask up but then gets a bit more serious as he remembers if she made these mistakes when trying this on with anyone else not in such a forgiving mood she'd be a dead girl walking so warns her "you're too smart for your own good, anyone ever tell you that?" and Arya hides a smile as she remembers her father and then he dismisses her and Arya turns around looking scared as she realizes how close she just came to probably falling for his gambit to get her to drop even just a bit of her facade and Tywin sits there smiling as if he hasn't had this much fun in years but then stops himself as he remembers he can't let himself get carried away since this could be the assassin for all he knows, holy fuck this guys a great actor and every scene he's in is so based and layered with tensions
then we see Sansa walking down a hall past The Hound and stops him to thank him for saving her but he edgily says "a dog doesn't need courage to chase off rats" and Sansa asks him "does it give you joy to scare people?" and The Hound seems to sense she's considering a life of abusing power like everyone else is already doing around her so to scare her off he marches up and says "no, it gives me joy to kill people" and when she reacts in shock he points out her father too killed people and when she says "it was his duty he never liked it" he's just like "he lied, killings the sweetest thing there is" and Sansa gets uppity and asks "why are you always so hateful" idk his fucked up face might be a clue and he says "you'll be glad of the hateful things I do someday when you're queen... and I'm all that stands between you and your beloved king" I thought he just meant all the shit he does to protect that family and their power in general but he means stopping her husband from killing her lmao and she gets shook when she realizes he's right and storms off and The Hound looks like that was cruel but had to be done to toughen her up some more
then back in retarded storyline central Triple X is telling Dany one of the other Thirteen leaders must have done this and being a dumbass who doesn't know how to play anything more subtly than just blurting out her feelings she casts suspicion on him and he says they're nothing to him on their own, clearly trying to say he values her more, but Dany snaps NOTHING? THEY'RE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! literally like a bitchy girlfriend who can turn anything you say into a supposed attack on her holy moly get a grip woman and this dude must really love white pussy because he offers to let her look inside his vault to see he doesn't need anymore money and Dany snaps "there is no WE!" as he offers to help like the moron she is and when he tries to tell his usual spiel about how he grew up poor she just snaps I DONT CARE WHERE YOU'VE BEEN and storms off giving him one lass angry look as she goes past her like 1 remaining Dothraki guard who's this old dude, lmao it's almost like Dany's storyline is so annoying even she's getting sick of it
then with the other shit plot Jon is leading this redhead thot around on a rope by a frozen lake and she starts needling him about how they might not live in stone castles or have as good steel but they're free "if someone tried to tell us who we couldn't lie down with as man and woman we'd shove a spear up his arse" pretty sure most native tribes still had/have strict rules about who you can and cannot fuck other than very rare tribes where they don't have a concept of fatherhood or very odd superstitions about where babies come from and most are even more strict than more advanced societies since they don't have contraceptives, healthcare for childbirth, understand what STDs are and rely very heavily on a family unit keeping everyone fed especially in harsher climates but ok duuuude, but Jon points out that they all follow Mance Rayder, and she says they chose to and offers him again to defect and live a life free of responsibilities (even though I'm pretty sure living a life where if you mess up one day you fucking die from starvation or cold has more responsibilities than civilization where you can be a useless retard like Sam and still survive but ok duuuude) and of course le benis in bagina and offers to teach him how to do it but Jon's MGTOW vows will not be broken as he insists "I know how to do it" and SHE SAYS THE MEME"you know nothing, Jon Snow"WAIT A FUCKING SECOND ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS MEME LINE THAT REDDITORS SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND PUT ON T-SHIRTS AND CARVE INTO THEIR ARM IS IN RESPONSE TO JON CLAIMING HE KNOWS HOW TO HAVE SEX?1?!?!? FOR YEARS I THOUGHT THIS LINE WAS ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ELABORATE CONSPIRACY MACHINATIONS HES UP AGAINST OR HOW DANGEROUS NORTH OF THE WALL IS OR SOMETHING BUT ITS ABOUT HIM BEING A VIRGIN?!?!! AHAHAHHAHAA wow then she does the meme where she walks off edgily without saying anything so Jon can stand there staring like an idiot at nothing
then we get some comfy relaxing music as we pan from a tower across Robb's army's massive tent city that's by a lake and he is meeting with the Lannister messenger who is too nervous to tell him Cersei's reply but he assures him he wont be held accountable for her actions so he steels himself and says "she tore the paper in half, your grace" lul, but he tells his men to give him a clean pen so I guess he was always their captive and he knew he'd be recaptured if he went back and chose that over staying with Cersei lul but they still have the problem of having too many POWs already so they put him in Jaime's relatively nicer cage with more space and then the nurse lady comes up and asks for a minute of his time and somehow she can look at one of his advisers, I think even one of the edgy flaying guys, and get him to leave, somehow, ok I'm bored of this character already, can we just skip to the bit where it's revealed she's the spy? thanks, and apparently its not liked that shes treating enemies too and she's requesting more medical supplies and Robb likes it that she interrupts him and is so upfront about the issues of war probably because it reminds him of his mother and he invites her to come with him on his next official meeting
then at that farmhouse the runaways considered staying at we see Theon and his men bringing the tracking dogs around but they claim they can't find them much to Theon's distress because he doesn't want to be treated like "a fool and a eunuch by my own people" ah yes wouldn't that be a shame heheheheh and like some hiding-jews-in-ww2 shit his men drag out the old man who got given the orphans and Theon starts beating him when he swears he doesn't know where the boys are, and I actually like that we don;t know yet if they stayed there so the scene is more about Theon's descent into barbarism than the hunt for our heroes, but then the first mate guy finds the little autie brother's wallnut shells he somehow knows are his and he tells Theon to send the teacher guy home since he knows him whispering for mercy in his ear is making him weak
then back in retard-land Jorah has apparently ran across the entire city as his beta orbital attraction to Dany is just too strong who whines about how she couldn't protect her handmaiden and apparently her best friend handmaiden is missing too and Jorah says he shouldn't have left her among "these people" and shes like "these people?" yeah he means brown people, but she says the Targaryians sure aren't her people, and she says she only ever knew her brother, so I guess she was too young to remember her father, and she repeats his edgy line about how he'd have let a thousand men rape her for the crown lmao, then she whines about the Dothraki leaving her and the people in Westeros not knowing she's alive and since all her boasting was completely delusional she is now depressed that obviously won't happen literally like she is suffering from bipolar disorder and Jorah tries to egg her on, I guess maybe he's still getting orders from Varys to make this shit happen or he's just a massive orbiter, but she says shes done trusting people, even though she has no idea who stole the dragons to know if it was someone who betrayed her, and rebuffs Jorah as he tries to comfort her, who looks down like the depressed walking virgin from the walking meme and begs her to tell him how to help and she just says "find my dragons" and he scurries off, what a cucklord
and then back north of The Wall the redhead is taunts Jon for being lost and saying she's going to tell his commander they fucked and tries to talk him into fucking her since he might as well if it's his word against hers and then the rare score starts up with mysterious tension music as the redhead tells him not to be afraid of her nice wet and warm vagina lmao and Jon is such an uncomfortable virgin he actually puts his hands on his sword to scare her off lmao but then SHE PULLS THE ROPE SO HARD JON FALLS OVER AND THEN LEGS IT OFF UP A HILL AND DIVES DOWN A CREVASSE this guy is such a useless fucking moron lmao which is even more annoying than Dany since at least shit writing has gifted Dany with excuses to be loved but everyone just adores Jon to the point of begging him for cock despite him having a like 90 IQ and then out of nowhere the redhead stands up.... with two guys with spears beside her... and then Jon looks around and there's wildlings all around the hilltops surrounding him, and she says "shoulda took me while ya had the chance!" uh oh looks like it's reverse bitch raping time
speaking of rape Sansa is having a wet dream, well I say that as a joke but knowing this show maybe this is the angle they're going for, a PTSD nightmare about those guys trying to rape her but this time it ends with them pulling a knife and stabbing her and Sansa looks down to see on her thighs there's, no, not pussy juice, it's blood and is horrified to see SHES GOTTEN HER FIRST PERIOD so she goes to grab a knife from her table and rushes to cut out the blood stain on her sheets but Tyrion's cag catches her and Sansa cries that Cersei cant see or it'll be time to marry Joffrey and the cag instantly says "help me flip it over" as she's quite used to hiding stains on beds and then another handmaiden wanders in because these dopey cows cant learn to lock a door and she sees the I am pretty sure unrealistically massive blood stain on the bed and there is an amazing scene that reminds me of the bit in The Town where Ben Affleck and his buds are robbing a bank and some cop pulls up and sees them switching vans and they just awkwardly stare at each other until the cop simply looks away knowing he's not willing to risk his life over bags of cash where Sansa and cag freeze and stair at the handmaiden and she looks awkwardly between her, Sansa, the bed, realizes whats happening and rushes off
and cag chases after her but shes not pretending she didn't see anything shes going to tell Cersei and THE CAG PUTS A FUCKING KNIFE TO HER THROAT, THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN THE NORF BITCH
and threatens her to shut the fuck up and the girl is shit scared and agrees and she lets her go but when the whore gets back to Sansa's room... THE HOUND IS STANDING THERE
and apparently he grasses them up because next we see Cersei telling Sansa it's no big deal, knowing full well what she's really upset about, and Sansa says her mother explained it to her but she thought it would be less... messy, which about sums up everything in this show, people have these grand ideas that leadership, marriage and battle will be nice and noble like in the fairytales but then get hit with the harsh reality that no they usually involve lots of violence lmao, and Cersei quips "just wait until you give birth" and she does her cunty thing where she talks about how bringing little princes and princesses into the world is what she used to dream about knowing full well how unhappy she is but then has a rare moment of trying to comfort her probably just because she knows if she gets too uppity Joffrey will kill her and tries to explain that he's always been "difficult", even his birth took a day and a half, and talks about how Robb would always go out hunting whenever she was in labor but it was Jaime who demanded to be there, probably knowing full well that they're probably his, and she has a little smile as if in her fucked up miserable life her brother she thinks she needs to lead on with sex is the only good love she has, and she tries to comfort Sansa that she wont love the king but she will his children, and she whimpers in a super sqeauky voice "I love the king with all my heart" and Cersei says "that's so very touching to hear" as if she really means that Sansa has already learnt she needs to lie about her feelings at all times to survive as a woman in this life but with a mean little smile as if it's out of sadism someone else has to suffer what she does as much as it means she'll survive for longer, and then she tells her "the more people you love the weaker you are, you'll do them favors you know you shouldn't, act the fool to keep them safe, love no one but your children, on that front a mother has no choice" idk there's some shit mothers in this world I mean the Red Lady let her one day old baby stab a gay man, and Sansa asks "shouldn't I love Joffrey?" and Cersei says sadly "you can try, little dove" as she knows already no one will ever really love her shithead son other than her
then we cut to Jaime locked up in his cage trying to place where this distant cousin is on his family tree as he has no idea who he is lmao and this guy awkwardly says "actually I squired for you once your grace, at william freys wedding" and Jaime just looks confused and asks "I went to william freys wedding?" in a goofy manner as if this guy has never had to learn to regulate his feelings like Cersei has and just says whatever vivacious embarrassing disrespectful shit comes to mind like some fucking Donald Trump shit but he starts to remember that his original squire got so drunk he threw up on his horse on the way to the tournament because of Tyrion plying him with alcohol the night before lmao and then he remembers his cuz, who is overjoyed but calms himself down when he remembers what a serious situation they're in, but Jaime compliments him on not overdoing his role, and the cousin is about to say something when a guard shushes him and then he gets embarrassed but Jaime says "more embarrassing than being chained to a post covered in your own shit?" so the guy starts gushing about how cool Jaime looked to him that day and how it was the best day of his life and Jaime is very flattered eating up all the ego boosting but then catches himself as he remembers this dude might get killed at any time and the guy turns bitter and starts ranting about how he hated having to leave and go back to sit with his mediocre family but Jaime says he understands since he used to be a squire himself as a 16 year old for a man who was "a painter who only used red" and hated leaving the battlefield because it was like a dream come true and then confesses that it led him to actually squiring for the enemy forces lmao, I guess this was before his sister was queen so there was less scrutiny on him, and he admits it's a good thing he is who he is since he'd be useless at anything else, being an arrogant royal prick I guess he means, and he starts getting antsy about being a prisoner, mocking Ned that he'd have made a good prisoner, to get the idea in his cousins head about escaping and probably only listening to him and saying all that shit to him which could have been made up to get him on his side so he'll get close to him and listen intently as he whispers his idea to him which is "YOU'LL HAVE TO DIE" and the cousin stares at him confused what he means, such an innocent man
only for JAIME HEADBUTTS HIM, THROWS HIM ON THE GROUND AND STARTS SMASHING HIS FACE IN so that when a guard comes to check Jaime is huddled up pretending to sleep with his cousin convulsing as he dies on the ground he's lured over to check on him, could have really just asked him to fake it but ok my dude, but when he bends down JAIME LEAPS UP AND STARTS STRANGLING THE GUARD WITH HIS CHAINS AND CRUSHES HIS WINDPIPE WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE until he stops wriggling so he can get his keys to escape, damn this guy is a fucker but I love it since he's a Chad who fucks his sister lmao
then back in Qatar there is some slight edge where that woman in the gimp mask is painting some sort of protection symbols onto a naked sailors back with the blood from a goats skull as Jorah arrives to demand the dragons with his hand on his sword but she tells him "draw your sword and see what its worth" as if maybe her gimp mask is sword-proof of something and then edgily says "will you betray her again?" I guess she knows that he used to work for Varys but then she gives him the pro-tip that the thief is with her right now, and then we cut to the Spiceking getting triggered at being suspected by triple X and Dany who starts whining that they're her children and will die without her, idk I am pretty sure anyone can feed a lizard some meat, and this calling them her children thing is like the ye olde version of "dog mommies" on instagram who very sadly and cringily pretend their dogs are their babies which is like the female version of waifuism, and another member of the Thirteen calls her out for threatening them previously and the Spiceking says it's better off these horrible creatures are gone and the creepy AIDS dude offers his help by taking her to The House of the Undying... WHERE HE TOOK THEM, and when he says the King of Qarth agreed to steal them from them, and the other members laugh because there isn't a King of Qarth, and the one Dothraki dude left readies his weapon as he can sense some bullshits going down and Triple X starts ranting about how he intends to open up Qarth or the whole world, fucking libtard globalist shill! and the creepy AIDS man goes to stand next to him but the Spiceking says "three dragons the size of cats and an alliance with a charletan do not make you a king" and XXX says some pretentious shit about how those in the margins come to control the centre and then the AIDS dude declares Dany will have her dragons back as ELEVEN COPIES OF THE CREEPY AIDS GUY APPEAR BEHIND THE OTHER ELEVEN MEMBERS AND SLIT THEIR THROATS
oh I guess we won't be learning about any of the other leaders very nice and interesting storyline there definitely not cut short to save writing and casting efforts, and Dany gasps at this advanced use of kage bunshin no jutsu from Naruto and runs away in fear but runs into another copy of the AIDS guy and the Dothraki guard goes to fight him but Jorah appears behind the clone and stabs him through the back like heh, nothin personel kid, but the clone just says joyously to Dany "a mother should be with her children!" and then his body implodes into his robes that drop empty to the ground as he pops out of existence or some shit and then another clone walks up and asks "where will you run to Daenerys Stormborn? your dragons wait for you in the House of the Undying" and her men realize killing him is pointless so escort Dany out, ok, this is fucking retarded, what is this, fucking Matrix Reloaded or something with all the Agent Smiths appearing from around every corner? literally and unironically feels like content from another show, even the way it's filmed seems like it's on a lower budget, like it looks like Legend of the Seeker or some shit while the rest of the show is a movie-level production, how the FUCK am I meant to care about any of the other stories when this shit is going on, like if Tywin is so rich why not just pay this guy, who somehow lives in the same universe as him, to make clones of him, "grounded and logical consequences" my fucking ass, get the fuck outta here with this anime shit, this is like what people complain about "shared universes" in comic books and shit where you have characters like The Punisher shooting sex traffickers in the same setting as Galactus eating a planet, except this isn't different franchises retroactively said to be taking place in the same universe to sell comic books, these are simply different scenes in the same TV show lmao
then at Robb's army a guy barges into Cats tent and Brie stops him and he says "get your hands off me woman" and she snarls with either actual bad acting or Brie overcompensating to try and seem more aggressive than she actually is "don't enter without an invitation MAN" fucking feminism gone mad, and the guy realizes this woman's a bit off the reservation and it's not worth making a thing about it so just says "forgive me" and then looks right in the camera like its a POV scene and says "lady stark! they caught the king slayer" and she goes outside to see Jaime being led through an angry crowd on a chain as people scream at him that he's a murderer and demanding he hang and Jaime just has a smug look on his face like it's just funny he's gotten these people so riled up and some guards start beating him as he rolls around on the ground but then some Santa looking motherfucker demands vengeance for his son and the guards are about to fight him off but Cat orders him to stop on authority of being Ned's widow and his Kings mother since women can only have authority from proximity to men in this world really makes ya think but Santa talks shit about how Robb is taking influence from the foreign woman and Brie goes full whiteknight and half-draws her sword and says "threatening m'lady is an act of treason!" but Cat manages to talk Santa down by saying Jaime crippled her own son so she wants justice for him too and he says he'll demand his head from Robb and marches off in a huff and Jaime cockily says "thanks for fighting on my behalf" and then calls her "quite a she-wolf" and Cat orders him put in the stockades and to gag him as they pull the grinning cheeky cunt away
then we see Cersei and Tyrion alone in her bedroom at night, oh my, and they needle each other about Cersei not being able to stand looking at her handmaidens anymore, I guess she just resents younger woman who have more time to run up on their looks and biological clock than her or something, and Tyrion warns that Stannis fleet of 200 ships will be there in 5 days tops and since their father isn't there to save them they need Joffrey to start acting like a real king, who I'm surprised there wasn't immediately a storyline about him having that entire area of the city genocided for attacking him but I guess this was in ye olden times before you could pick rioters out of a crowd with weaponized autism looking at the 9999 videos from twitter, and Cersei calls him out for "giving the boy whores to abuse" and Tyrion admits he was wrong to think it'd help, and then says seriously "if we cant control him..." since they have the mutual problem of an army coming to kill them both never mind the whole city wanting to do the same right now and Cersei says "he doesn't listen to me" and Tyrion blames her for putting a crown on his head and Cersei confesses "I always hoped he'd be like Jaime" don't know if that's too low a bar since Jaime's a backstabbing sociopath or too high a bar and you want to fuck him lmao and yeah she creepily says "he looks like Jaime... in a certain light" I guess admitting to Tyrion that yeah that's his dad but Tyrion half-heartedly denies it as if it's better for everyone involved to just keep lying about it but she says "Robert was a drunken fool but he didn't enjoy cruelty" I guess the implication there being if she wishes he was more like Jaime she worries he takes after her too much and then wonders aloud if he is their "penalty for their sins" and Tyrion tries to excuse it by bringing up the Targaryans probably trying to keep on her good side and keep her confessing and she says that's what they'd tell each other in their moments of doubt and what she told Ned, but half the Targaryens went mad and she worries if that's what's wrong with Joffrey and Tyrion makes more excuses for her that Tommen and Myrcella are decent, pretty sure it takes several generations of in-breeding to get the bad effects and they are usually compounding birth defects rather than personality disorders it's probably down to everyone in his family being an abusive manipulative sociopath that's the issue (there's NOTHING wrong with incest!!!) and Cersei starts to cry at her horrific situation like it'd be easier if just 100% of her family were shitheads so she didn't have to care but she has to look after the nice young kids, probably Tyrions intention, and he very awkwardly walks towards her as if he's about to comfort her but then looks away awkwardly, and they look at each other like it might be Tyrion emotionally abusing her but that's also the reality of their relationship that there's no comfort between them, sad but kino stuff
then back at Robb's army camp there are men arguing about what to do with Jaime and it breaks out in a shoving match and Brie warns her it'll turn violent and Jaime wont last the night so they go to his cage to a chained up Jaime and Cat does the "leave us" meme to the guards and Jaime seems completely nonchalant about knowing he's dying tonight like he likes to put on a tough guy front but also doesn't actually have anything to live for than a fucked up affair with his sister that'll obviously end in doom for both of them and Cat says it's his fault for strangling that guys son to death with his chains and Jaime just acts super smug and says any knight would have done the same, as if they are ye olde spec ops soldiers or something, and Cat shames him for forgetting his vows, but Jaime just cockily points out they'r a bunch of contradictory nonsense anyway, all about honoring your father and not hurting the innocent and following the kings orders, but what happens if your father hates the king and the king kills the innocent? as if from his point of view everyone else is a hypocrite shithead too but at least he doesn't lie to himself about it, and when he mocks Brie's stature Cat says she's a better knight than he ever saw Kingslayer and Brie looks super proud of herself (cant wait for the scene where she gets gangraped by bulls or something knowing this show) and Jaime does the meme where he prattles off all the Mad Kings titles to show how little respect he has for all this bullshit when it can be undermined by one king happening to be a lunatic and ironically he's probably saved the most innocent lives out of anyone by stabbing the dude in the back and Cat says he has no honor and Jaime taunts "you know... I've never been with a woman other than Cersei... so in my own way I have more honor than poor old dead Ned, what was the name of that bastard he sired? Snow? when he came home with some whores baby did you pretend to love it? no, you're an honest woman, you hated that boy didn't you? the walking talking reminder that the honerable Lord Stark fucked another woman!" and she orders Brie forward but then takes her sword herself and Jaime looks satisfied as if that's what he was intending, just taunt her into killing him right there and then to get it over with, so the angry crowd doesn't torture him before or some shit, but then we cut away, also top kek at Jaime claiming to only have been with Cersei, which is probably a lie but a characterization I'd believe since this guys all about having a massive ego, he might not even give a shit about fucking women he knows for a fact he could get with his amazing looks and wealth because that wouldn't inflate his ego, probably why he wants to fuck his sister, since she's the one woman in the seven kingdom he SHOULDN'T be able to fuck so he has to prove to himself that he can, another man who maintains his masculine energy by thot patrolling, based & incestpilled
then we cut to Theon being edgy at Winterfell giving a speech to his new subjects ranting about how they seem to be asking what happens if they don't obey him as Brans old Maester teacher guy is dragged to the front of the crowd as Theon announces "this is the answer to your question" as he has THE BURNT TO A CRISP DEAD BODIES OF THE LITTLE ORPHAN BOYS JACK AND BILLY HOISTED UP ON NOOSES AS THE APPALLED CROWD SCREAMSEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 30 and the teacher howls in horror as the first mate gives a big shit eating grin as Theon flinches as he looks at them and then looks down like he's ashamed of himself, that was extremely fucking edgy but it was appropriate in the sense of all the people we've seen doing edgy as fuck things have either been sadistic psychos about it or le stoic hardmen doing what must be done but this is the first time we've seen someone visibly hating themselves for it which is an interesting angle to take that Theon might be an insecure coward but he's only done this atrocity because him pathetically trying to live up to the expectations of his disgusting culture and cruel father which has a bit more to say about the human condition than "he's just a cunt lol" like some of the nameless Lannister soldiers in Arya's storyline or it being purposefully ambiguous as to what's wrong with Joffrey
Game of Thrones 2x08: "The Prince of Winterfell" Arya's Death Note exploits special edition
First aired: May 20, 2012
ok first scene is Theon and his first mate looking on approvingly as a basket of dead crows is thrown out a window to make sure no one else there can sneak out messages I guess but then in through the front gate rides Yara and all her men who just ride straight passed Theon and they set themselves up in the hall to have a feast and she has her feet up on the table and mocks through a mouthful of chickenleg the episode titledrop "if it isn't HBO's Game of Thrones Season 2 Episode 8 The Prince of Winterfell!" really jesus christ and Theon says she should have respect for her brothers achievement and she just bullies him saying "we saw the bodies, which gave you the harder fight, the cripple or the 6 year old?" (hol up if this planet has such unreliable seasons then how come their years are consistent? I guess the planet revolves around the sun like ours but is on a wonky axis itself or something) thinking they're the Stark kids and the men all laugh at what a pussy Theon is and I guess Theon is actually trying to pass those two kids off as Bran and the other shota idk if we the audience are meant to think that I doubt it but it's just Theon being a dishonest little shit and he tries to justify his actions but Yara says they were the brave ones for trying to escape, as if she doesn't have so much a moral problem with killing kids, just that it's obviously pathetic to brag about doing it, and when Theon gets huffy that they promised him she cuts him off and asks "your little boy prisoners made you a promise and broke them? ARE YOU THE DUMBEST CUNT ALIVE?" as if she has zero respect for her pampered pussy brother and Theon tries to maddog her and says "call me a-" but Yara butts in and says "a cunt? a dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell?" and Theon tries to defend himself saying "the Northerners would think me weak" but she says "you are weak, and stupid" lmao this girl fucking rules every other female character is obsessed with how they'll never be respected as equals and here Yara is with macho big dick energy humiliating the prince in front of the army she commands absolutely based and Theon grumbles "I'm warning you!" and Yara just glares at him and says "go on then... warn me" and Theon doesn't say shit since he knows she could probably beat his ass lmao so he changes the topic like they're little kids squabbling and says "you haven't brought enough men to defend Winterfell!" and she smiles and says they're there to take him home and Theon gets super triggered and says "is this a joke?! Winterfell is the heart of the North!" but she's like "a hundred miles from the sea, did you forget we're islanders baby brother? our power comes from our ships" and says that every man in the North wants to see him hanged for what he did to the Stark boys, and Theon being a dumb little pussy says Robb wont find out since he killed all the ravens and insists he's taken Winterfell and will keep it as if he did anything at all and Yara, realizing her dipshit brother is so out of his depth he'll just keep fucking things up even worse, does the fucking "leave us" meme to her men and then tries to act softer by saying they both loved their mother and endured their father so just come home with his sister, but he refuses, and she tells what to her is a nice anecdote telling him he was such a noisy annoying baby that she considered just strangling him one night but when he looked up at her he stopped crying so I guess she has some affection for him even if no respect or is just flat out manipulating him and walks off with Theon looking shook like his life is ruined now and he can't even maintain a little power over one building
then we cut to Jon being brought by the wildlings to a bigger group of them and the thot offers him to The Lord of Bones who has decorated his armor with animal bones and is using some sort of big at skull it seems as a mask but they've already captured Halfhand so don't care about any more prisoners and he orders his men to gut him and the thot tries to defend him saying he could have killed her dozens of times but he ain't interested until she doxxes him and the bonelord guy walks up to her and says "he runs, I chop his balls off" and she says "he runs, all do it me sel" since she's got some weird Northern English accent going on and then she tells Jon they're even I guess for sparing each other and then they put him down next to Halfhand and he apoglozies for not being able to kill her and he explains they got caught trying to find him and Jon assumes the others are dead and Halfhand lets him think that for motivation and tells him "don't let it be for nothing" to egg him on in helping to escape or some shit
then we see Robb and his waifu walking through the woods talking about the woman he's never even met he's engaged to for a bridge and how he thought his dad was perfect so he'd do anything for him and thinks everyone thinks highly about their fathers but she's like nah believe me *daddy issues alarm goes off* and then there's some extreme kino which I am pretty sure is a line ripped off from Braveheart or something but Robb talks about how Ned woke up afraid and went to bed afraid for his people and he asked him "how can a man be brave if he's afraid" and Ned replied "that is the only time a man can be brave" which sounds pretentious but it's true, if you're not afraid of something then it's no issue to deal with it, like a sky diving instructor with hundreds of jumps isn't brave for jumping out the door if it's just another day at work for him but the dude he's with who it's his first time and he's shitting his pants but does it anyway who is brave, but then again maybe it's better not to need to be brave lmao, but I guess if you were never scared of anything you'd probably have a boring life or be a bit fucked in the brain and more likely to make rash mistakes, and this woman seems to want to get Robb to call off the war, maybe from the goodness of her heart but yeah right it's going to turn out her dad is Tywin or something and she's his whatever you call a female bastard, but Robb says he's doing it to keep his people safe from the Lannisters... and he also wants "justice" on Joffrey, and before she can question him anymore a rider rides up and tells Robb that Jaime escaped in the middle of the night (again (great security you have here dipshit))
then we see Robb marching up to Cat demanding to know why she let him go which I guess she just admitted and she says for the girls since yeah they'd be more in danger if they were mad at Jaime getting executed look how rectum ravished Robb is about Ned and Robb has a tanty about her betraying him by a bad reason but she points out he's her only child who isn't being being held captive (completely discounting Jon lmao rekt) and the Santa guy whines about how he'd cut out his heart if it'd let his sons step from their graves into a cell and Robb says Jaime played her for a full and she brought discord to his camp (so now everyone will become tranny weebs) and orders another 40 men hunting for Jaime
who is getting further this time than his last shitty escape attempt because Brie is riding him out into the woods and lets him drop off a horse before she takes his hood off and he immediately starts needling her saying "you're much uglier in daylight" lmao and starts angling for her doxx and wont shut the fuck up asking her if she's gay or goes with horses lmao but Brie shoves him down on his knees to spy on a bridge that has some peasants crossing and tells him she hates him for harming those he swore to protect and Jaime's got a bit of the Joker in him since he finds all this talk of heroism awfully dull since it's all a farce that gets you no where from his perspective and asks "has anyone ever told you you're as boring as you are ugly?" lmao she's not that fucking ugly she's just tall but I guess this is a show for Americans where if you're not an 11/10 with nanomachine assisted plastic surgery to keep your facial features symmetrical to the atom you need to die never mind be on TV and Brie grumbles "you will not provoke me to anger!" and Jamie basically does the "u mad for responding lmao" meme like he's a man in the wrong time and place and would be more at home shitposting on a message board and starts taunting about how she couldn't beat him in a fair fight since there's only three men who maybe could (The Mountain, The Hound and maybe the Knight of Roses I guess since he doesn't know about Bronn yet or knows Brie dabbed on him previously) and she says all her life she's been knocking men who mock her into the dust so he taunts her to unlock his chains and see what happens, literally "1v1 me irl fagit" shitposting, but Brie's not falling for it and orders him into a little fishing boat that's suspiciously conveniently there and rows him down the river
then in Tywin's HQ he is being told that Stannis will be able to take Kingslanding in the hour and it's not too late to evacuate his family and the counsel but surrendering isn't in Tywin's vocabulary and insists Joffrey stay and fights and one of the general guys says the Greyjoys did them a favor delaying some of Robb's troops but Tywin knows Robb doesn't know enough yet to be afraid of attacking when not at full force so Tywin decides on sending out an army that night to get on the offensive and orders The Mountain to maintain a garrison here and destroy this Brotherhood, who I guess are just locals not to happy with the Lannisters occupying their land or something, and unfortunately for her he gives Arya to him too, and she goes outside to see shit loads of people being lynched having not given up whoever assassinated that knight guy and she stumbles upon one of the asshole prisoners she saved who starts ranting about fucking her with her sword now she's a girl very edgy but he's interrupted by his commander calling him to action, to "hunt some wolves", I guess the Brotherhood who support the Starks, so I guess all those prisoners have just been conscripted into the Lannister forces since they weren't already on their side or they wouldn't have been in that cage leaving Kingslanding, and then we see the fat kid talking about the only thing he actually knows about, food, with the blacksmith guy and Arya demands to know where that creepy weirdo assassin is and actually grabs the fat kids ears to force him to tell him but he says he's already ridden off and Arya looks as Tywin rides off, wasting her chance to merc him, guess you should have just told him to kill Tywin right away you dumb bitch, I really loved the scenes with Arya for the depth it brought out in Tywin but holy moly his this le poetic dashing rouge assassin guy a dumb concept
then with Jon, Halfhand is trying to convince Jon to go undercover in Mance's army as a spy... like... literally right next to the wildlings who all speak English lmao, but Jon says they wont trust him, but Halfhand just tells him "not if you do what needs to be done" and then gets into character and starts screaming abuse at him for getting those men killed so he can go shag a wildling girl and Jon being the IQlet he is doesn't get that he's just pretending there's bad blood against them so Jon can earn their trust by killing him and actually thinks he's mad at him and gets sad lmao so Halfhand has to sell it more by shoving him down the hill but the Bonelord tells him he's not his to kill and drags him off for the redhead thot to look down at Jon like he's such a dumbass
then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is getting pissed at Bronn cleaning his fingernails at his desk and not wearing a goldcloak and Bronn explains it's too shiny so gives your position away and makes it too hard to move quickly, which sounds like the logic I used when picking my clothes in DayZ lmao, and Tyrion gives in only for Bronn to start obnoxiously staring at him and tapping his fingers since he thinks Tyrion trying to plan a defence by reading a bunch of history books is pointless and Varys comes sneaking up to compliment Tyrion on how he's running the goldcloaks as theft is way down but it's actually Bronn who did that, which I'm sure Varys knows and is just testing their loyalty or something, and he asks Bronn how he managed it and he went with the ol President Deuterte method of crime reduction and says him and the lads just killed all the known theives and Tyrion is about to bitch at him when he explains it's the starvation that kills most of the people in a siege situation and they cant thieves in that situation with Varys agrees with and then makes a cheeky comment about the quality of the book he's reading's writing as if to hint that yes a book isn't going to save you you fucking STUPID NERD READING IS GAY so Tyrion takes out a map of the city and starts deducing the weak points Stannis knows about and will attack and Bronn jokes that they can throw books at him but Varys says they don't have enough books and Tyrion says they do have enough "pig shit" what is he gonna make a bomb from the methane in it or something
then back north of The Wall we see Sam is somehow alive and digging a latrine pit with his mates worrying about what's happened to Jon when they uncover an ancient stone with markings from the First Men and when they move it they find it's actually... WTF IS THIS A HATCH FROM LOST LMAO? but no it's just hiding a pack full with an ornate horn and "dragon glass" aka obsidian, I guess sand that got created by dragons flame and is especially hard or something
then back with Arya she bumps into a soldier who gives her a soft slap on the head for spilling water on him but when she looks up the edgy assassin guy is there and she moans at him for not being there to kill Tywin and he says he cant catch up to him now but offers to kill anyone else he can and she makes him swear it on all the gods which he does and then she bends down and SHE TELLS HIM HIS OWN NAME and he's like n-nani?! "this is no joking thing!" and she's like "I'm not joking, "a man" can go kill himself" lmaooooooooo and he actually begs her to un-name him as if he really will be compelled because of his religion or whatever to do it and she says ok.... if he helps them escape, and he says "a girl lacks honor" and she just shrugs like welcome to the streets nigga whatup punk and he gives in lmao this character is such a living meme
then at night Tyrion is having dinner with Cersei who calls his new squire an "odd little boy", which he says he has an affinity for, and she says "you and Varys both" lmao literally ye olde pizzagate conspiracy theory and he tries to banter about her cooking or lack thereof but Cersei isn't in the mood and says "I hear Joffrey is planning on fighting" and Tyrion starts joking about how he'll be an inspiration in his shining armor, so I guess she means literally fighting himself not just staying to order the holding of the city, but Tyrion says he's old enough since he's 17 and younger boys are going to fight for him, oh I thought he was meant to be like 13, ok then he definitely is a fucking weirdo incel lmao, they really cast someone who looks inbred well here lmao, but Cersei knows his place isn't on the battlefield and Tyrion says "or on the throne" and his squire looks scared at the ground like he hopes to fuck Cersei doesn't have him killed for hearing this frank talk so it doesn't leak and Cersei's like "you think I'm stupid" and Tyrion says "no I think you have above average intelligence" lmao I can see why redditors like him because he talks almost entirely in the witticisms of a man(let) enlightened by his own euphoric intelligence[ and she says almost excited like she hopes is true so she has the justification to fuck his shit up that he sent away her daughter and wants to send his oldest son into battle to die and Tyrion, probably actually at the stage where he figures it'd be better if his nephew just got killed one way or another so the situation would then be the younger boy being King and a regent would be appointed that he's probably angling to be what with being the current Kings Hand or even if it was his sister pulling the strings they'd at least have someone who's not an demented incel in charge, and he minimizes it saying he'll have his kingsguard protecting him and the finest armor and the men will fight more fiercely with him by their side and Cersei can tell where he got this idea from and asks "do you know why Varys is so dangerous?" and Tyrion says "because he has thousands of spies in his employ, because he knows everything we do before we do it" like its obvious but Cersei says BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A COCK (oh so she knows that and its not just his balls missing?) and Tyrion whispers loudly NEITHER DO YOU lmaoooo Cersei cis or post-op confirmed and Cersei grits her teeth like she hates being a woman but at least she's not a brainlet male and hisses "and perhaps I am dangerous, you, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man, that little WORM between your legs does half your thinking" and Tyrion says exactly what I'd write him to say "it's not that little" as he sips his drink like he doesn't give AF and Cersei laughs not his joke but as if she thinks its pathetic of course that's the thing he'd rush to defend tags: incest, femdom, SPH
and Tyrion gets freaked out seeing his miserable cunt sister giggly for once and asks "why are you smiling?" and she says "because I'm happy" and Tyrion's like "and why are you happy" and Cersei sits down next to him and drops the bombshell BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR LITTLE WHORE and Tyrion bricks it but tries to play it cool and just fires back "thought you preferred blonds" in reference to her fucking half her blond male family members lmao and she just says in a sing song voice "such a droll little fellow, tell me, have you married this one yet? no? good, father will be so pleased" as she smirks at him with that malevolent look in her eyes as Tyrion tries to keep his face from tripping him and asks defensively "why do you care who I fuck?" and Cersei does the meme "because a Lannister always pays her debts, you sent my only daughter away, plan to have my son killed" and Tyrion realizes she thinks they're in some autistic tit for tat battle when he's trying to keep the city standing and says "this is madness, Stannis will be here in days, you need me" hoping to get her off it for his cags sake and Cersei just mocks "for what? your skill in battle?!" and stares him down with no response so she starts gearing up the edge saying "pretty thing, your whore, lovely body, the bruises will heal in time" with venom as if she hates other women as much as men and Tyrion struggles to hide his fear and asks "where did you find her?" and she just says "Varys isn't the only one that hears whispers... really, a Lannister lion necklace? you need to hide your secret WHORES more secretly" and Tyrion says "you forgot the most important thing about whores" and she can see where he's going already and says "oh you're the expert tell me" lmaoooooooo and he says "you don't buy them, you only rent them" and she looks at him like it's amusing how pathetically shit a job he's doing pretending not to care and tells him "you're usually a better liar baby brother, this one you like, you like her very much, could it be love?" and looks at him with a fucked up malicious version of an older sisters gossipy teasing and she says "don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough, unless Joffrey is hurt, then every wound he suffers she'll suffer too, and if he dies? there isn't a man alive who could devise a more painful death for your little CUNT" and then gives a hungry grin like it's so deeply gratifying to have this man who tries to control her life by the, well, balls, I really have some bad taste in women since Cersei just became like twice as attractive to me lmao, >tfw no gf for Cersei to threaten to torture to death, and Tyrion struggles to keep his poker face from entirely crumbling and tries to keep his head in the game and asks the ol meme "how do I know you haven't killed her already?" and Cersei taunts in a playful voice "would you like to see her? I thought you might... Ser Mandon bring in my brothers whoooore" and her personal guard goes out and Tyrion, breathing heavy and looking like he's about to vomit, turns around to see the guards bringing in... ROS? I think that's who that is, and I guess I forgot that the necklace she wears that Theon gave her, no, wait, it wasn't him, she told him that Tyrion gave it to her right, and she's just there by coincidence or like realized that's where the real money is, I forget, did Tyrion give a necklace to the new cag too? anyway nice reveal that would have been better if I could remember who half of these hundreds of fucking characters were
and she's got a bloody lip and a black eye but is otherwise not too badly roughed up, and Tyrion realizes his luck and plays along saying "I'm sorry they hurt you, you must be brave, I promise I will free you" and takes her hand trying to signal for her to keep playing along, and Ros, probably catching on that they think she means a lot more to him than she does already and figuring Cersei would whack her if she found out she isn't the main course has probably already been playing along and tells him "don't forget about me" before being escorted back out, and Tyrion tries to hide his relief and keep his face tripping with dread again and Cersei just has this huge cunty grin on her face and Tyrion goes full edge and says "I'll hurt you for this, a day will come when you think you're safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you will know the debt is paid" and Cersei just smiles to him and whispers "get...... out" and when he leaves her smile fades a bit as she worries what he might do but then smiles again as if she thinks it's all worth it just to feel the pleasure of putting the fear of god into him at the moment ooh what a cunt I love it
then we see Tyrion foolishly rushing back to his room and yelling Shae! super loud, yeah real good at keeping secrets mate, and when she appears he tells her "you're beautiful" as he's so relieved she's ok and he gets down on his knees as she sits on the bed and tells her she needs to be more careful since there's people who want to hurt him, and she promises to cut off their faces as if she doesn't know how serious it is and he tells her "I'd kill for you, you know that? I expect I'll have to before this is over.... you're mine" and he starts to cry as he says "promise me" as if he can't go through all this just to have another hooker lover who cuckolds him and she says "I'm yours and you are mine" and holds him close, this would probably be a good time to, you know, fucking tell her what just happened and how she needs to leave the city ASAP because his sadistic cunt sister wants to murder her and they're about to get siege'd in about a day anyway but like Cersei says his cock does half the thinking and wants her close
then we see the edgy skinning clan guy telling Robb there's no responses from the ravens they've sent to Winterfell but promises his bastard will save them as Robb fumes about if Theon hurts his brothers and he says to send another raven saying any ironborn that surrenders can return home, and the edgy clan guy is about to recommend not having too much mercy, but then Robb says "any ironborn with the exception of Theon Greyjoy" because he personally wants his head and the edgy clan guy says he figures his countrymen will turn him in the second they hear the offer and then the boring nurse lady we're on a ticking clock until she betrays him comes in and his general guy leaves again as if she's so important and asks how he's doing and he starts listing off all his problems lmao and she says sorry for asking and they have yet another conversation about him not wanting to be King and she talks about not wanting her life as a Lady either and tells a story that gets some rare musical score at the end about knowing she wanted to be a doctor and would object to slavery when witnessing a slave (who had a fish tattoo on his face so people know his slave job without even having to talk to them which might come up later) using mouth to mouth to save her brother from drowning as a little girl and halfway through the story Robb is tensing up as if he's executing some horrible edgy shit to happen but it's actually a happy ending (which is how I can tell it's BULLSHIT, I swear I haven't read any spoilers, but its just very obvious that this girls too good to be true and is a spy lmao) and Robb immediately bolts up and says "I don't want to marry that girl" and starts making out with her and they strip off each others clothes and start making love on the floor yyyyup shes a spy since it's our first sex scene that's meant to be nice and romantic and isn't some sad scene of whoring or rape and this show needs to be edge 24/7
then back with Arya the fat kid is prattling on about food again (which is apparently the most major theme of the books left out, fatass GRRM likes to meticulously describe what food someone is eating every change he gets lul) as Arya and Gentry discuss being told to wait by the gate by the edgy assassin guy when she suddenly realizes whats going on and approaches the gate much to the shock of the boys... only to find the guards posted there are dead and have been literally posted in their position by the edgy guy so they seem at watch from afar and they're able to just walk out the front door
then on Stannis' main ship we see some men testing these huge catapults they have at the front as he compliments Davos about how he retook the meme people say about him being the Onion Knight to be his sigil and flag and Davos jokes "my son wishes I'd change it, three mermen with tridents, something like that" which even gets a tiny laugh out of the usually humorless Stannis and he tries to tell him not to let the highborn families look down on him because they weren't the real heroes of the war against the Mad King like they were and Davos tries to defend ol King Rob but Stannis is still butthurt about even Renly being given rewards despite not fighting a day in his life and Stannis goes on an edgy rant about how his war wasn't so glorious and in a siege they had to eat the horses and then the cats and then the dogs and then the rats and his wife was so sick he thought she'd die but then Davos someone smuggled his onions through the battle lines and after all that his brother gave fucking Renly that castle after it was all over, and he promises Davos he'll be his right hand when he's king, who gets down on his knees in gratitude, I can see why Stannis is so popular (with the more autistic part of the fanbase) now since he's so straight forward and dutiful while every other character is some dishonest little schemer or self-doubting moron who gets rused constantly
then back in Kingslanding the soldiers are all getting ready as Joffrey storms about with Varys and Tyrion behind him with him bitching at them for not giving them enough intel and Varys says he hasn't heard from his "little birds" since Theon took Winterfell, maybe implying those two orphan boys were in his employ, and Joffrey says they need to strike at the Starks now because his fucking epic masterplan is to simply go meet his uncle when he makes landfall, which I thought he meant like convince him to team-up with him and just be a happy family, but when Tyrion says "I'm sure you're men will be right behind you" hoping this dickhead goes and gets himself killed Joffrey says "they say Stannis never smiles... I'll give him a red smile! from ear to ear" and shows off his fancy golden sword, wow edgy
and Varys bows to him as he struts off but then looks at Tyrion like what a fuckin shit show m8 and Tyrion says "I wish we could converse as two honest intelligent men" and Varys just cocks his head and says "I wish we could too" as he knows Tyrion's a sneaky cunt who cant be trusted... and one who knows full well he is too and Tyrion remembering what his sister said and probably figuring they'll all die soon anyway just straight up asks Varys "what do you want? tell me" and Varys bends down and says condescendingly "if we're going to play, you'll have to start" as if to say his battle of wills mindgames have to be a bit more complex than that so Tyrion accepts his mental jousting offer and starts talking about Jaime being the youngest kingsguard in history, his sister became queen at 19 but when he became a man his father put him in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock lmaoooo and Varys is like "a most highborn plumber" and as if wanting to give Tyrion a little boost in their game and just hurry him along to the next stage cuts him off from his sad life story he's trying to make himself seem more depressed than he actually is Varys just gets to his point for him and says "you're quite good at being the Hand, Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men, honerable men, but they destained the game and those who play it, you enjoy the game" and Tyrion admits "I do... last thing I expected, I'd like to keep playing it" and he brings up Stannis impending invasion and Varys says "they say he burns his enemies alive to honor the Lord of Light" and Tyrion asks "why are all the gods such vicious cunts? where's the god of tits and wine" lmaoo and Varys jokes about fertility goddess with 16 teets and Tyrion recommends sailing there immediately lis and then gets awkward as he remembers Varys wouldn't be interested and might read that as a jib but Varys just smiles pleasantly as he's too good at reading people and then tells him as if setting him another riddle "the other day I heard a song, all the way from Qarth beyond the Red Waste, Daenarys Targeryan lives!" and tells him that in a few years her dragons will be fully grown and then there will be nowhere to hide and Tyrion signs "one game at a time my friend" yeah don't skip all the way to season 7 mate
then speaking of a shit storyline no one wants to hear about we see Dany peering through some planks of wood and Jorah warns her "Xaro owns this city and the warlocks have a thousand eyes watching you" and offers to just leave on a ship already but Dany has a fit about leaving the dragons and Jorah tries to reason with her that they're not LITERALLY her children but she tells him to leave on his own and Jorah gets his fucking white knight on saying "you know I'd die for you!" so she orders him to take her to the House of the Undying to rescue the dragons but Jorah says that's what the AIDS dude wants and his magic is too powerful and Dany proposes what about her magic, yeah her amazing powers of not being flammable, brilliant, and Jorah says some sad shit about how he'll remember her stepping into the fire until the day he dies, and she finally realizes she can get this sad sack orbiter to do whatever she wants and puts her hand on his face and says they ARE her children and are the only ones she'll ever have (accidentally confirming to him he'll never be her husband I guess or she thinks she's barren now or something from her wacky magical abortion) and orders him to take her to see them and he nods like the soyboy cuck he is
then back at Winterfell we edgily pan past the burnt zoomer corpse I'm sure some idiot out there thought was the Stark boys to see Theon staring at it edgily and he tells his first mate they should bury them but he says it sends a good message and Theon hands him some gold to compensate the farmer (and try to calm his guilt) but the first mate says his troubles are over now and the teacher guy spots... the wildling lady sneaking back into the castle to steal a loaf of bread, so maybe they didn't even go to that farm for help if they are coming back to steal food, and the teacher guy walks over to the burnt dead body and I guess clicks that it's not his boys, then we see the in what I guess is meant to be le ebin big twist even though it's blatantly obviously what happened at the moment of the reveal of the bodies the wildling lady lighting a castle as her voice over explains to the teacher guy they doubled back from the farm, using a river to throw off the hounds and figured the family crypt would be the last place they'd look for them and he tells her those two boys strung up must be the farmers boys, yeah dddddddddduuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, and she realizes Theon tried to pass them off as the Stark boys, ok, since it was so obviously not them I missed the possible importance of Theon lying it's them since I thought it was fucking obvious and public knowledge it was the farmers orphan boys since he never says like behold the Stark boys or anything, maybe there's some shit going on where like Theon.... lied it was the Stark boys to let the Stark boys get away? but all his men must know too unless he personally killed and burned those kids, anyway then the wildling girl and the teacher agree not to tell the boys about it and we pan the camera to see... BRAN AND HIS BROTHER ARE ALIVE AND WELL WITH HODOR wow what an amazing reveal that I'd been assuming was the case all episode nice one, but this makes me realize that I misread even another element of this because this dumb show honestly thought we were going to think those lads were the Starks where Theon looks all insecure maybe that was just that he's scared of being caught lying, presumably not to his men but to the people he's trying to control by fear that he'd even do this to another Kings kids so there's no limits on what he'll do to a commoner or something, idk shit storyline for the sake of a dumb twist
Game of Thrones 2x09: "Blackwater" no, not the PMC that's been renamed several times after too many war crimes special edition
First aired: May 27, 2012
on Stannises's' ship we see Davos looking out at their fleet as the man himself actually does have a small smile on his face for once as they get closer and closer and we see inside one of the ships we get a sort of ye olde Saving Private Landing D-Day landing inside the troop transport scene as all these men are looking scared af with one slumped against the wall, one shaking, one staring off into thin air and one gets up and throws up in a big barrel they have in the centre that looks like it's being used just for that purpose and Davos talks to his son about how he spent all his life dodging the royal fleet but now they're going to be the royal fleet and his son tries to convert him to islam again and Davos leaves out that now he knows for a fact his religion is real lmao and talks about how taking Kingslanding wont be so easy even with their superior numbers but his son says he has faith in god... and him... aww... yep hes dead af
then we see Tyrion in bed with his cag, who's relationship I hope is meant to seem weird and forced on purpose and is just Tyrions extreme mommy issues of the never met her variety showing since he fell madly in love with her within like one night of meeting her, but he cant sleep and is just staring at the ceiling with the same creepy sound of the wind slowly whistling in the background that we got on Stannis ship as if the dread of war effects people on both sides, and he talks to her about how Stannis is going to burn every Lannister he can find and the cag says she wont let them hurt him which is a actually a cute thing that the woman feels protective over her man and it works and doesn't feel forced since yeah dude's like 3 feet tall and this woman probably could protect him better than he could himself but Tyrion warns her he doesn't have a choice in all this because of his family but its not her problem but she says "it is now" ok another romance that's too good to be true in this setting I'm sure she's Cersei's spy or some shit from the get-go and she gets ontop of him and he says "you cant fuck your way out of every problem" and she says "I have so far" yeah I'm guessing she got into some sort of trouble in like CIA's brothel and the only way to pay off her debt was to do this mission for Cersei and seduce her brother, and she says she's going to do the meme from the tent again and make love to him like it's the last day on this earth
and then we see Cersei looking out a window with the same creepy wind blowing sound effect going on as Pycelle tries to offer her his council but Cersei can't be bothered with his reminiscing about all the Kings he's served and just tells him to give her what he's brought, and he hands over a vile of nightshade, 1 drop will calm someone down, 3 will put someone into a deep sleep... and 10 drops... and he goes to ask what it's for but she refuses and sends him away, I'm guessing this is her ye olde cyanide capsule so she cant get captured by Stannis or any of her enemies in the city who'd defect to him but I guess the kino twist will come in where it turns out that it's actually for her sons to mercy kill them and she doesn't care what happens to her or something or maybe she's just going to poison Tyrion so she gets to kill him herself lmao
then under the city we see Bronn and the rest of the city guard getting drunk with cags over and singing songs to have one last night of good life before the battle and outside the room there's a little wicker doll of a lynched man that I guess represents what they'll do to their enemies/traitors/cowards but it reminds me of those burnt orphan boys and Bronn's cag tries to flirt with him by asking how many times hes broken his nose and he lists his mother smacking him with an iron poker when he was 5 when trying to hit his LITTLE brother, then when he was 9 he fought some older boys and the third time... but he sees this naked cags lovely body and trails off and says "don't feel too sorry for my nose, he'll be half way up your arse before the nights through" lmao and all his men laugh
but then the mood is instantly killed by The Hound and a Lannister soldier walking in and Bronn tries to play nice by offering to buy them a round but they ignore him and both pour their drink down their mouth as if getting ready for a fight and Bronn just smiles to The Hound like he wont wan know trouble but knows he'll start something and The Hound asks "you think you're a hard man" and Bronn chuckles and says "I know it" and his men chortle as he pats the sexy cag on his lap he's referring to as making him a "hard man" and The Hound, who based on how power levels work in this show must be an handholdless kissless wizard incel just stares completely unamused around the room at all these fucking Chads trying to hold in going REEEEEEE and Bronn points out how nice and warm it is in here, with lovely women and lots of ale, and all The Hound wants is to put them in the cold ground where there's no women for company as all his men nod that The Hound is being unreasonable coming down there throwing shade and The Hound growls OH, THERE'S WOMEN IN THE GROUND, I PUT SOME THERE MYSELFlmao he is an incel and Bronn looks around like wtf is this dudes problem but The Hound goes on AND SO HAVE YOU, YOU LIKE FUCKING AND DRINKING AND SINGING... BUT KILLING... KILLINGS THE THING YOU LOVE, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME and Bronn tries to keep looking incredulous like this dude's the psycho not him but The Hound stands up and says ONLY SMALLER and walks straight up to Bronn who just jokes "but I'm quicker, eh!" but this time his men don't respond since they know The Hound could merc all of them and he just says "your Lord Imp's going to miss you" and stands there staring blankly at him like an absolute autist and Bronn realizes it's go time and stands up, says "aye, I expect he will some day" and puts his hand subtly on his dagger on his lower back waiting for this guy to make one inch towards him and The Hound sways in place as if he knows exactly what Bronn's doing and is ready for it
but then THE BELL ANNOUNCING THE INVASION RINGS and all the men brick it and start downing their drink as fast as they can and rushing out and Bronn just smiles at The Hound and asks "one more drink before the war? shall we?" and The Hound doesn't respond in any way and just walks off, I liked that little juxtaposition of how these two different men handle a life of being extremely proficient at violence, which you'd think would be empowering of this world of might makes right but they're still one guy at the end of the day and it just means more powerful people want their skills one way or another, and while Bronn is a typical jack the lad who just brushes off everything as a joke and pretends he's completely neutral and just doing a job The Hound is closer to honest about how miserable this lifestyle is by having the at least a more directly relating to violence coping mechanism of just loving the bloodshed as that's the only point of enjoying in his pathetic life of being abused by everyone who should appreciate him rather than having Bronn's layers off "its just a laugh lol"/"its just a job lol"/"im a real man lol" kind of reminds me of kind of reminds me of the similar themes in Apocalypse Now of how you first meet Lietenant Kilgore who treats war like one big fun game before you meet Colonel Kurtz who completely accepts the horrifying nature of warfare and is more proficient at it accordingly
then we cut to Varys hearing the bells saying how he always hated them as they ring for horrible things like "a dead king or a city siege" and Tyrion, getting his armor strapped onto him, adds "a wedding" and Varys sighs and says "exactly!" lol I guess even he can only take so much social nicety bullshit and Varys says his squire "Brodrick, is that it?" and Tyrion's about to fucking die being a dwarf in a war so calls Varys out and says ""is that it?", nice touch, as if you don't know the name of every boy in town" throwing some shade of the ye olde pizzagate allegations against Varys who pretends to be all offended and says "I'm not exactly sure what you're suggesting" and Tyrion cuts through his passive aggressive bullshit by saying "I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting" as if taking the piss out of how Varys conducts himself in such an underhanded sneaky manner and as if Tyrion's method of manipulation, of using the truth to gain leverage over others, can cut straight through Varys more dishonest stealthy method of manipulation, where he uses the power of suggestion to subtly implant ideas in others they might not even realize are from him, and Varys perks up as if he can see Tyrion has indeed started playing his game and fires up the ol implications and asks "do you trust him?" and Tyrion looks at his squire and says "oddly enough I do" and Varys says "good" probably to put a little seed of doubt in Tyrion's head as if that's what Varys wants him to think and to remind him he can get intel from anyone in the city never mind his squire who's there in all his arguments with his sister about private matters but also to move the conversation on where he puts down an old secret map Tyrion asks for showing the 50 miles of tunnels underneath the city built by the Targaryan's to "facilitate escape" as Varys puts it with a furtive look but Tyrion insists "I'm not escaping" and says he's going down with the ship and Varys gives a cheeky "that's good to hear" as if it'd benefit him for Tyrion to not be around anymore but then he sassily says "though I'm sure many captains say the same while their ship is afloat" and Tyrion doesn't bother to hide how scared he is and Varys doesn't want him to completely pussy out and to actually flee I guess because he starts bigging him up saying he looks fit for battle and for all their sakes is, and he brings up the Red Lady but Tyrion doesn't believe in "the old powers" and since as Varys says "I think you believe in what you see" or as the internet would say is a tip tip euphoric le logical atheist even though he believes magic dragons exist and Varys adds "and what those you trust have seen, and you don't entirely trust me?" and Tyrion just goes "eh, don't take it personally, I don't entirely trust myself" and Varys starts playing shook to try and get Tyrion to take the Red Lady seriously by saying "and yet I have seen things, and heard things, things you have not, things I wish I had not... I don't believe I've ever told you how I was cut" and the squire gets awkward and Tyrion looks at Varys like he genuinely feels sorry for him but knows he's well beyond looking for compassion so says "no I don't believe you have" as if it's just another bit of trivia and Varys says "perhaps one day I shall" implying that maybe he was castrated for some sort of black magic ritual, nice metaphor for americans being circumcised
and Varys talks about how Stannis becoming king while in service to such dark powers is the worst thing he can think of and he seems to mean it which would be a bit hypocritical since he's probably arranging for Dany and her dragons to invade Westeros, but maybe this angle is he's arranging for Westeros to be powerful enough to survive not only the coming winter but the White Walkers, and maybe they originate from dark magic that would corrupt everyone if they tried to use that to beat them so it'd be pointless or something like that, and Varys tells Tyrion that tonight he's the only man who can stop him as his squire hands him and axe and Tyrion looks down at it like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck, as always idk what Varys angle is here maybe he's just trying to get Tyrion to get himself killed or maybe he really does want him to stop Stannis, but something tells me it'd be Tyrion's planning abilities that stop him, not him personally fighting with an axe which someone should really tell him not to bother with lis and just keep himself alive, but I guess he's feeling all manly and heroic thanks to his cag, maybe the reason why someone else probably set them up
then outside we see the bell ringer looking out at Stannis fleet appearing out of the pitch black mist and on the lead ship Devos' son says "they're welcoming their new king!" but Davos knows it ain't that easy and gives the order for them to play some music back with their war drums and ALL THE BOATS START UP THEIR LIT RAP BATTLE BEATS and Stannis looks out with a tiny tortured smile as if this is the closest thing he gets to a joyful day seeing his war plans come together
and we cut to Tyrion trying to talk to Bronn about his plan but he wont listen and asks him if he's ever used his axe and he says "I chopped wood once... no I watched my brother chop wood once" lmao but Bronn cheers him up by saying "I saw you kill a man with a shield once, you'll be unstoppable with an axe" and Tyrion grabs his hand as if he's scared to leave his side but says "don't get killed my friend" and Bronn lets him hold on a bit since he's softer than he'd admit but then chides him for calling him a friend and they have some banter back and fourth to alleviate Tyrion's anxiety and then he sees Sansa and Shae and pretends not to know Shae and asks why they're not with the other posh totty and she says trying to hide her disgust that Joffrey called for her to see him off and speak of the devil Joffrey, who's quite the manlet for a 17 year old, comes strutting out with The Hound beside him and his other six personal kingsguard and hollers for Sansa who tells Tyrion "I'll pray for your safe return m'lord, just as I do the kings" implying she hopes he fucking dies too and Tyrion looks like "ugh, typical" that the woman he's been trying to protect has bought into the fake news that he's as bad as the rest of them but then gets a wee smile as he figures it's probably for the best she doesn't trust anyone in this fucked up city and under their breath him and Shae wish each other farewell and Joffrey, extremely edgily, draws his new sword "hearteater" as he's named it and tells Sansa she should kiss it good luck and she looks like what the fuck is this cringy shit and Joffrey insists "kiss it" so she bends down and cuts the sword, half looking like she's expecting him to slit her throat as she does, in a very sexual act that's almost like Joffrey's fucked up version of receiving oral sex, and Joffrey cranks up the edgy by saying "you'll kiss it again when I return, AND KISS MY UNCLES BLOOD!"
and Sansa hides her disgust by asking if he'll kill him himself, and Joffrey says "if he's foolish enough to come near me" and then Sansa perks up when she realizes "so you'll be outside fighting with the vanguard?" hoping he's in as much danger as possible but then Joffrey gets flustered and spurts out "a king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls!" lmao literally The Incel King and Sansa, loving that he's clearly insecure about his battle worthiness and thus easy to egg on comes to life for the first time in months and gushes "oh I'm sorry my grace, you're right, I am stupid, of course you'll be in the vanguard!" and Joffrey looks at her in half disgust as always but also half surprise like he's falling for it that she's have faith in his bravery but when Sansa says "my brother always goes where the battle is the thickest, and he's only a pretender" he gets shook that he'll look like a right twat if he bottles it now and tries to big himself up by declaring "your brothers turn will come... and you can lick his blood off hearteater too!" probably too dumb to catch on shes manipulating him but is still angry at her for making him feel insecure and he marches out with his crew and Shae says "some of those boys will never come back" but Sansa says "Joffrey will, the worse ones always live" knowing she ain't that lucky and Shae shushes her for talking shit about the king even in an empty throne room and takes her off to relative safety
and then outside we see loads of soldiers mounting defences on the castle walls and civilians fleeing in terror as Joffrey and his crew, now joined by Lancel, step out into the streets and Joffrey is immediately shook by all the carts racing past and civvies huddling their children as he realizes this is the big boy shit now and they climb up the stairs to join Tyrion and his poor squire but Lancel realizes... "where's our fleet?" and Tyrion assures "they're on their way" and Joffrey hops on the spot impatiently and whines "why aren't they here now? they're coming!" and Tyrion doesn't even reply as his mind is going a mile a minute doing all the battle calculations and Joffrey gurns "Hound, tell the Hand his King has asked him a question", actually calling him by his more dignified nickname rather than the usual dog betraying that he's probably only got the balls to go out there with his best bodyguard protecting him, and The Hound half heartidly says "the king has asked you a question" as if he can barely keep pretending to respect Joffrey since they'll all probably be dead soon and Tyrion as if replying to a reddit pun-chain says "Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy" and Lancel actually awkwardly says "uh The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the king-" like the beta he is since he's gotten so used to doing whatever Tyrion tells him to do but Joffrey cuts him off hissing "if I tell the Hound to cut you in half he'd do it without a seconds thought!" and Tyrion gives the amazing reddit pun "that would make me the quartnerman, just doesn't have the same ring to it" and rubs it in that Joffrey needs him to stand a chance of keeping his head which he doesn't even say shit back to since he knows it's true
and on Stannis lead ship Davos asks his son where their ships are, and his son thinks they were wise to attack at night and took them by surprise, but Davos ain't buying it as "Lord Varys knows what you had for breakfast three days ago, there are no surprises here" uh oh spaghettios and they look out at the fires starting up through the mist on the castles walls
and then in the posh totty vault Cersei arrives with her youngest son and Sansa tells Shae she doesn't understand why Cersei let her be there since she hates her and Shae hits the nail on the head and says she's just jealous and then Cersei calls Sansa over getting her creeper vibes on saying "ah little dove, you look pale child... is your red flower still blooming?" knowing how much Sansa hates being of age and then says "funny isn't it, men will bleed out there and you will bleed in here" as if she's rubbing in that Sansa has to suffer through the requirements of womanhood like her now and Cersei pressures her to drink wine and when Sansa asks what Ser Ilyn, the executioner who I guess is loyal to the Lannister family, is doing there and Cersei says the guards they have paid will be the first ones out the door when the enemy comes and a guard arrives to tell her that they caught some staff trying to escape with some gold cups and Cersei orders Ser Ilyn to put their heads on pikes outside the stables as a warning, edgy, nice, and she tells Sansa keeping your people more afraid of you than the enemy is the only way to maintain control and says with a shiteating grin "if you ever hope to become queen" as if the descent into barbarism is another part of her horrible life she gets to inflict on Sansa
then on the castle walls our heroes, well, hero and anti-hero and shitheads, start to hear the ships war drums and everyone tenses up and Tyrion orders his archers to their marks, to knock their arrows and hold fast and Joffrey has a fit about how they need to attack them NOW but Tyrion ignores him and orders "boulders ready!" as men put huge rocks onto their catapults and Joffrey looks out to sea and sees their navy sailing out to attack... and he bricks it when he notices "there's only one ship? where are the rest of them? WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM?!" and Tyrion stares out stone faced and on Stannis lead ship Davos son is like "there's only one ship?" and Davos bricks it knowing something is up, and I can see where this is fucking going oh my oh my here comes the CGI budget bois and he orders his archers to man the bow... knock... draw... and hoooold... and his men also arm these huge war crossbows as the ONE Lannister ship approaches and it gets close enough for Davos to see "there's no one on board"... it's just drifting over there with rope tied to it's wheel to keep it sailing straight like the gag from action movies they do with cars and Tyrion sees the creepy old alchemist guy creeping up behind him and he offers Tyrion a flaming torch and Davos son watches as the one empty enemy ship all his men are keeping aim at drifts past them but Davos notices... there's some sort of green liquid leaking from the ship and filling the water behind it.... and he realzies "wildfire!" and orders his men to steer clear and Tyrion throws his torch what looks like miles away I guess signalling the other archers or something or its some flaming thing falling off a wall a mile away idk what that was about and kind of killed the pacing of the scene lmao nice one but then Bronn lights his arrow from the torch on the ground maybe what Tyrion dropped idk confusing thing and he looks at Tyrion to make sure he's sure and then pulls back... takes aim...
and releases the flaming arrow which flies straight over the ship Davos is on into the green liquid.... igniting a huge green fire that spreads its way to Tyrion's ship... and Davos yells to his son MATTHOS! GET DOWN!!
and Stannis who I guess was on another ship looks out at the ships collapsing into the sea and grits his teeth to bear the screams of his men screaming for help but then orders his men to make land, and his lieutenant guy tries to dissuade him but Stannis says "the dwarf has played his little trick, he can only do it once" IDK he probably has some more on stand-by and the lieutenant begs "hundreds will die" but Stannis corrects "thousands" like that's just war innit mate and throws his cloak off as he climbs down amongst his men ready to fight himself and yells to them "COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY!" before clambering down onto a rowboat as his men cheer in support, ok that was very visually stunning and had some good character beats like Stannis maintaining his stiff upper lip and carrying on, Tyrion's looks of fear and sadness as he's had to kill all those people, Joffrey getting a taste for war but only if he's winning and The Hound being the only one other than the senile old coot not to close his eyes as he's been comprehending the horrific nature of war without looking away all his life but this kinda reminds me of The Last Jedi where Admiral SJW does the lightspeed ramming meme, like if this extremely powerful manoeuvre exists in this setting why doesn't everyone do it constantly lmao, I guess the excuse could be it requires rare ingredients but it seemed to be more these dumbasses who obviously live in a world of magic don't think it exists
then in the posh totty vault there is a jester trying to keep the worrying children happy with juggling much to Cersei's resting cunt facedness and she looks over and sees Sansa preying with some other young girls and can't be having any of that finding inner peace malarky in her presence so calls her over and drunkenly asks what she's doing, and when she says "preying" Cersei gets triggered like an r/atheism poster and says "you're just perfect aren't you, preying? what are you preying for?" and Sansa sya "for the gods to have mercy" and Cersei cheekily says "even me?" and Sansa says "of course your grace" and Cersei jabs "even Joffrey" knowing Sansa cant even say that with a straight face and when she tries to come up with something she cuts her off snapping "oh shut up you little fool" completely fucking sizzled to the point of having one eye drooping closed lmao and she mocks her ""ooh preying to the gods to have mercy for us all" - the gods have no mercy, that's why they're gods" edgy I like it, I guess that's her version of theology where that's how even deities have to attain and maintain power, and she says "my father told me that when he caught me praying" after her mother died.... when she was 4... more great parenting from Tywin, and Sansa is surprised to hear Tywin is a euphoric atheist but Cersei says "oh he believes in them, he just doesn't like them very much" very edgy and then as if finding one more thing she hates about herself to force onto Cersei she insists she start drinking wine with her, making sure she does it fast enough to get as fucked up as her, and tells her "I should have been born a man" inb4 legions of tumblr retards saying this means she's actually a transman, her reasoning being "I would rather face a thousand swords than be shut up inside with this flock of frightened hens" as if they're all scared of what she's already been suffering most of her life (having to fuck men they'd rather not) and Sansa talks back saying she invited them there and Cersei whines "it was eeexpeeeected of me, as it will be of you if you ever become Joffrey's queen" and mocks how IF they win these women will be praising her publically, and Sansa asks "if the city should fall?" oh I feel some edge coming and Cersei growls "you'd like that wouldn't you?" and reveals her gameplan to personally yield to Stannis at the city gates since "I might have hoped for a private audience but this is Staaaannis Baratheooooon, I'd have better luck seducing his horse" aha! another man who maintains a high power level by thot patrolling, but he betrayed his volcel ways by fucking the Red Lady and now he has a smoke monster for a bastard, really makes ya think, and Sansa just stares awkwardly at her as she memes about fucking a horse and she says with a grin "have I shocked you, little dove?" honestly I was expecting an edgy story about how another city got seiged and all the women were gangraped for weeks or some Rape of Nankin shit and she adds "tears aren't *gives fake sniffle* a woman's only weapon... the best ones between your legs... learn how to use it... drink!" which Sansa awkwardly does and then oooh here we fucking go Cersei asks "do you have any notion what happens when a city is sacked?" and a nervous Sansa doesn't reply so Cersei obnoxiously goes on "noooo you wouldn't would you? IF the city falls, these fine women.... SHOULD BE IN FOR A BIT OF A RAPE!" and she says this loudly enough for the whole room to hear, lmao I love Cersei and I wish I was Jaime so bad (who am I kidding I'd be Lancel (who still gets to fuck her so fine by me))
and Shae looks at her trying to hide her scolding like how dare she scare everyone about something only the two of them really know about but she goes on "half of them will have bastards in their bellies come the morning" and when she turns on Sansa, I guess commenting on how she cant get pregnant right now, "you'll be glad of your red flower then, when a man's blood is up anything with tits looks good, a precious thing like you will look very very good, a slice of cake just waiting to be eaten!" probably knowing full well Sansa suffered an attempted rape a few days ago, no fucking wonder Joffrey is such an incel rofl, ooh I love what a cunt Cersei is, if I was in an isekai (most pathetic genre of anime (which is really saying something) where a usually NEET gamer is transported to a usually medieval fantasy world where surprise surprise wouldn't you know it their knowledge of nerd genre fiction or video game mechanics actually makes them insanely powerful and popular with all the beautiful young women in the setting which is a genre that really needs a grim and gritty deconstruction where the main character has no usefull skills at all, is in fact weaker than the average person from being fat and nearsighted, is treated like a crazy person for talking about being from another world and then is enslaved as a serf who spends all day shovelling shit until a knight kills him at random just to test if his sword is sharp enough like they used to do to peasants in feudal japan, so basically Sam's life) protagonist in the GoT world my angle would be to just bring my modern day knowledge of misogynist memes and I tell her all about how roasties cuck manlets with Chads BBC or whatever the fuck and she'd love it and marry me and then I'd take over Westeros by just bringing a gun with me like none of these anime faggots do
then we see what remains of Stannis army rowing their boats to the shore and Tyrion notes "he's a serious man, Stannis Baratheon" and Joffrey starts bricking it and cries "they're coming ashore!" as if it's not fair and he's so entitled he can't believe he can't effortlessly have everything handed to him and Tyrion orders "rain fire on them" literally ye olde "make it rain mothafucka" meme and Joffrey whines "there's too many of them!" and Tyrion orders The Hound to send a party down for any that manage to touch ground as Joffrey sits there shaking that his bodyguards leaving him and Tyrion also orders his squire Pod to go bring the men guarding the Kings Gate there and everyone just automatically does what he says as they know he's the real one calling the shots and The Hound gathers up the men telling them "they're serving us up fresh meat!" and shoves Lancel in the chest and growls "you too!" who looks like he's about to throw up and he grabs the lead archer and tells him "any of these flaming fucking arrows comes near me and I'll strangle you with your own guts" and the archer just gawps at him like jesus christ this guys edgy and then we see the archers knocking... drawing.... and just as Stannis is the first man to touch down to the cry of "kill the Lannisters!" on the beach they LOOSE and rain flaming arrows down upon his men who drop as soon as they leave their boats like some more Saving Private Ryan opening shit
but more and more just keep pouring onto the beach and sharpshooter archers start taking more of them out firing directly at them and some of the men manage to get near the wall so the men ontop drop rocks down on them bursting a guys fucking head standing right next to Stannis like a big watermelon
and one of his men puts a shield over him to protect him and his men return fire on the Kingslanding snipers filling them full of arrows and he orders his men to the Mud Gates and out from the huge wooden doors bursts THE HOUND HOLLERING "ANY MAN DIES WITH A CLEAN SWORD, ILL RAPE HIS FUCKING CORPSE!!!" OW! THE EDGE!!
AND LANCEL STARTS GOING HAM DUELLING WITH AN ENEMY FUCKING NICEONE MATE AND THERE'S EXTREME EARRAPE SCREAMING AS THE MEN HACK INTO EACH OTHER WITH AXES AND
AND LANCEL GETS KNOCKED DOWN BUT AT THE HOUND KICKS THE DUDE AWAY AND LANCEL LOOKS UP IN AMAZEMENT HES STILL ALIVE BUT THEN TAKES AN ARROW TO THE CHEST OUT OF NOWHERE
wew laddy I like that they show this as fucking horrific, I hate the cultural meme that war used to be honerable before the firearm or mechanized warfare or fucking morons who even think WW1 or WW2 were honerable and think people only started getting PTSD/shellshock in the 20th century because of modern technology or modern people being soft or something, the only reason people think that is because almost all the writings on them were horseshit written by posh twats who weren't there on the command of kings who weren't there to get serfs who hadn't been there yet throwing themselves into the meat grinder for how glorious and heroic it all was, so these modern day mega brainlets are falling for like thousands of year old propaganda designed to work on illiterate pigshit shovelers (and of course this sort of shit still works in the modern day where people think gunfights and warfare are cool because of video games and movies that literally get sponsored by the pentagon), agonizingly fucking obviously men having to HACK EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH FARMING IMPLEMENTS was hell on fucking earth as war always has been, is and always will be until normies realize that we should maybe not listen to shithead politicians or at least just fight wars in Fortnite or something, there I just solved world peace, no need to thank me
then in the thot vault some of the women and girls are trying to sleep and Cersei is telling Sansa about how when they were kids her and Jaime looked so alike, being twins but I guess not identical twins unless Cersei is hiding a cock under there, and she didn't understand why they were raise different, with Jaime being taught to fight and she was just taught to smile and sing and please people and while he gets a castle she gets sold like a horse to be ridden by it's owner, and Sansa, maybe winding her up or still not getting the full picture, says "but you were King Roberts queen" and she just condescendingly says "and you will be King Joffrey's, enjoy" I really like the writing in this show but I think my main complaint is, like most characters in fiction, since they are you know not real and made up by writers using them to get points across, they are a bit too self-aware, in reality in this kind of family someone like Cersei would swear up and down the block until her dying breath that there is nothing wrong with Joffrey and is exactly what the throne needs, since as always fiction might have some nasty people like Cersei but at least she reflects fairly objectively on the character of her family, in real life peoples kids can literally rape a toddler and they'll keep defending them lmao, and when Sansa looks over at Shae, uh oh, Cersei smells fresh blood, I mean, other than Sansas and goes over to harass her and Shae gives a half-hearted curtsy and Cersei immediately blurts out "that's the worst curtsy I've ever seen, here I mastered it when I was 4" whining about her life again as she shows how to do it properly, and then after only one sentence from her clocks from her accent that she's not highborn and starts grilling her on her past and Shae tries to stop herself from bricking it and tries to lie about how she came to be a handmaiden but Cersei knows it's horseshit from her lack of curtsying skills and tells her to tell them a story and stares at her daring her to try to lie to her and when Shae starts up she's saved by the bell(end) as the injured Lancel barges in to update her on the battle and that the troops are outside the city walls but all she cares about is getting Joffrey to safety and when Lancel tries to talk back that it's good for morale out there she just shouts NOW in his face and the little bitch boy toddles off to do it and then she admits to Sansa that she lied about why Ser Ilyn is there, that he's there to kill them if the city falls, and Sansa looks over at this creepy bald guy staring at her like he knows it needs to be done
then outside THE HOUND IS FIGHTING MORE GUYS SHOVING THEM ASIDE LIKE IT'S NOTHING AND HE CLEAVES DIAGONALLY STRAIGHT THROUGH ONE FUCKERS TORSO LIKE SOME FUCKING ANIME SHIT
AND HE LOOKS AROUND AS MEN HAVE LOST MOST OF THEIR SWORDS AND RESORTED TO BLUDGEONING AND PUNCHING EACH OTHER TO DEATH AND A DUDE ON FIRE RUNS PAST SCREAMING IN AGONY ENTRANCING THE HOUND
BUT THE FLAMING DUDES LIKE FUCK IT DUDE #YOLO AND TAKES A SWINGS STRAIGHT AT THE HOUNDS HEAD BUT... BRONN FIRES AN ARROW INTO HIS FACE OUT OF NOWHERE SAVING THE HOUND!
AND HE SMILES DOWN AT HIM BUT THE HOUND LOOKS TO HIS SIDE AND BRONN JUST MANAGES TO GET HIS DAGGER OUT AS A DUDE CHARGES INTO HIM SO HE CAN SLASH AT HIM AND GET ANOTHER ON HIS KNEES TO SLIT HIS THROAT DAMN SON
and The Hound just stands there like he's almost hypnotized by the battle watching the surreal images around him as men scramble over each other trying to bash each others brains in and other men flail at each other through the flaming beach and he just starts casually walking back to the gate as the other men scream to fallback and rush in beside him but then Stannis yells for his men to get the ladders up and he's actually the first to climb up and STANNIS LEAPS ONTOP OF A DUDE, TEARS HIS SHIELD AWAY AND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIM AND WHEN OTHER SOLDIERS CHARGE HIM HE STARTS DUELLING CUNTS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND SLICES THROUGH THEM COMPLETELY COMPOSED HOLY CHRIST
and we see Joffrey running for his fucking life off the castle wall and the lead archer screaming for his scum to keep firing and The Hound is just staggering around and then suddenly calls for a squire to bring him a drink and spits it out when he finds it's water and demands his bottle of wine lmao and downs the entire thing and casually walks off and Tyrion hisses "can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries too?" at him for neglecting the battle and The Hound just grumbles "EAT SHIT DWARF" megalis and Tyrion tells him he's "on the wrong side of the wall" and The Hound says "I lost half my men, the blackwater is on fire" and Joffrey screams so hard he's literally spitting "DOG! I COMMAND YOU TO GO BACK OUT THERE AND FIGHT!" but The Hound just looks at the ground like the sheer pointlessness is catching up with him and Tyrion sees they're about to lose their best fighter to ye olde PTSD and tries to tell him "you're Kingsguard, Clegane, you must beat them back or they're going to take this city, your kings city" but The Hound looks up sadly at them and says "fuck the kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king" and simply walks off and Joffrey stares in absolute horror as someone refuses an order for him for the first time in his life and he realizes he's absolutely fucked without his bodyguard
and then we see Stannis' men delivering a huge battering ram on their rowboats that they all carry onto the beach and the soldiers on the wall try to take them out with their arrows but they turn over their own rowbots and use them for cover, clever! and escort themselves to the wall as more men climb up ladders and they start using the ram to beat down the door and inside we see Lancel staggering up to Joffrey saying the queen requested he return to the throneroom and a terrified Joffrey sees the look on Tyrion's face and whines "wh-what would you have me dooo?" and he insists "lead!" and Joffrey looks to Lancel as if begging him to help him on this and asks if his mother had urgent business for him, but Lancel is either too dull or not a fan of his possibly for what he puts his his lover/cousin through and says she didn't say, and Joffrey looks down sad like he's realizing he's a coward after all and with a stutter tells one of his other kingsguard to stay there and represent their king on the battlefield as he scurries off in shame in front of all his men and then we see the soldiers on the wall getting taken out by counter-archers and Tyrion looks down as the guards he requested for reinforcements arrive but there's not many as the other soldiers start asking who they're fighting for if Joffrey has left, if only modern day soldiers were that sceptical, and Pod looks up at Tyrion like they're fucked as he realizes "I'll lead the attack!" and all the men just sneer at him as he's only 3 feet tall but Tyrion asks Pod for his helmet, orders the kingsguard to bear the kings banner and then orders the soldiers to form on him, and they all just wander around aimlessly not listening to him but he yells "THEY SAY I'M HALF A MAN, BUT WHAT DOES THAT MAKE THE LOT OF YOU?!" and one man yells up there's no way out but Tyrion says he'll show them another way to come out behind them and FUCK THEM IN THE ARSES and the men look around wondering if he's legit and then he says "don't fight for your king, don't fight for the kingdoms, don't fight for honor, don't fight or glory, don't fight for riches because you wont get any, this is your city Stannis means to sack and that's your gate he's ramming, if he gets in it will be YOUR houses he burns, YOUR gold he steals and YOUR women he will rape!" and the men start agreeing as the ram starts making its dent in the door and Tyrion points to it and yells "those are brave men knocking at our door... LETS GO KILL THEM!" and all the men go YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! and raise their swords for him and he walks down into the crowd looking like he can't believe this is actually working as they all fall in behind him, not sure if anyone was ever made a dramatic speech that worked in getting everyone from not caring about them to supporting them in 30 seconds but ok my dude
then back in the thot vault Lancel is telling Cersei that when the men saw Joffrey leaving they lost all heart but all Cersei cares about is where Joffrey is and Lancel says "I want to escort him back to battle" having taken a slight level up in badass from being exposed to battle for the first time but Cersei just says "why should I care what you want?" and he snaps at this woman who's had him around her little finger "now you listen to me" but CERSEI JUST PUNCHES HIM IN THE ARROW-WOUND CAUSING LANCEL TO FALL OVER INTO A VASE HOLLERING IN PAIN LMAO and she storms out with Tommen and all the women start getting scared as Lancel writhes around on the floor bleeding and Sansa tries to tell them this is the safest place in the city and Joffrey will save them all and calms them down by getting them to sing a hymm and then Shae like pounces on Sansa from behind just to be annoying and tells her she needs to go lock herself in her chambers because Stannis wont hurt her but the extremely frowny executioner will and she offers to bring her but Shae says she needs to say goodbye to someone and Sansa's like they said they'll rape everyone but Shae shows her her knife in her boot and says "NO ONE IS RAPING ME" based & selfdefencepilled and Sansa runs off and the executioner just lets her as if she'll regret not letting him put her out of his misery as the women's singing gets more and more strained sounding and creepy
then we see Sansa run into her bedroom and lock the door and she wears the distant screams of the dying soldiers outside and she sits down on her bed and holds a doll remembering her simple days in Winterfell but then THE HOUND announces himself from slumped in the corner and in-between glugs of wine tells her he's leaving the king to die and could take her with him to someplace that isn't burning and when she doesn't respond he offers to keep her safe and bring her home to Winterfell but Sansa, maybe just being scared of him or thinking she can be of use in peace negotiations between all these different parties if she stays there, and says "Stannis wont hurt me" but The Hound barges right up to her and insists she look at him and the growls "Stannis is a killer, The Lannisters are killers, your father was a killer, your brother is a killer, your sons will be killers someday, the world is built by KILLERS, so you'd better get used to looking at them" (I mean he's right, only reason any government stays in power to this day is if their own military supports them or not) and she stares at him unblinking and realizes/manipulates him into believing "you wont hurt me" and he says "no little bird, I wont hurt you" and goes to leave knowing she's coming with him, I really like this guy since he's not the usual gruff badass who's loyal to the end or can endure witnessing any suffering like most western stories praise homeboy's resolve was washed away during that battle and that's literally a good thing and should happen to more people so they wouldn't be anyone left to kill each other on behalf of useless rich cunts but for sooooome odd reason society is full of stories about how cool and manly it is to blindly follow orders and to have no problem killing [insert designated outside group that changes yearly here]
then we see some men hacking through the padlock on a gate as all the Stannis men keep hammering at the door and a commander screams for them to get up those ladders but TYRION HACKS HIS LEG CLEAN OFF WITH HIS AXE, SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT AND ORDERS HIS MEN TO ATTACK THE ENEMIES
WHO ARE DISTRACTED WITH THEIR SIEGE AND THEY ALL CHARGE IN AND RAM THE SOLDIERS IN THEIR BACKS HACKING THEM TO DEATH AND THEY FLIP OVER THE BOAT THEY WERE USING FOR COVER AND TOSS A TORCH IN SETTING IT ALIGHT AS THE OTHER SIDE PERISH
AND THERE'S A HUGE CACOPHONY OF CLANGING METAL AS THE TWO SIDES CLASH AND BACK ON THE WALL STANNIS IS RACKING UP HIS KILL COMBO AND HE DISARMS ONE GUY AND LOPS THE ENTIRE TOP HALF OF HIS SKULL OFF OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
AND ON THE BEACH A DUDE SMASHES TYRIONS AXE OUT OF HIS HAND AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN ANOTHER GUY CHARGES INTO HIM AND TYRION SEES ONE OF THE LAST REMAINING KINGSGUARD WHO HE SMILES AT BUT THE DUDE SWINGS HIS SWORD AT HIM SLICING DOWN HIS CHEEK TRYING TO KILL HIM WTF FUCKING TEAMKILLING NOOB!!!!
AND OUT OF NOWHERE PODRICK RAMS HIS SPEAR THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND OUT THE EYEHOLES IN HIS HELMET SAVING HIS MASTER BUT TYRION COLLAPSES AS THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM IN THE CHEST TOO
I assume that guys actions will be addressed later and Tyrion will find out he was working for Cersei or CIA or something but if not I suppose he resented Tyrion for sending them out there and he'd rather a pathetic coward who'd surrender easily like Joffrey was still in charge for his own men's safety or something like that
and then inside Cersei is sitting in the darkness on the Iron Throne with Tommen telling him "shhhh, be calm my sweet, no ones going to hurt you" as the boy stares scared at the door waiting for the enemies to barge in and as she knows this is probably her last night as a mother she holds him close and tells him his favorite story about the lioness and her cub, some clear pottery about it being the two of them, and she changes the story to be about the other evil creatures in the woods being stags and wolves, but her son doesn't get it, and she tears up at his innocence, and outside Rod is trying to rouse Tyrion, who he should really just pick up and run off with, who is having the "grenade just went off" sound-off-audio ears-ringing meme as he sees an army on fucking horseback now charging at him as Cersei's story on voice over keeps going about the scared little cub but the mother tells him he's a lion he mustn't be afraid
and we see Stannis looking down as the horsemen ride in hacking at the soldiers, and Cersei tells her son that one day all the beasts will bow to you (guessing there's gonna be some extreme edge here where she gives him the nightshade to mercy kill him so he doesn't get raped and lynched by the invaders, but then it turns out that her side actually won the battle and she killed her son for no reason like the ending of, spoilers, The Mist) and yyyyup here we go Cersei goes on "and the cub said "will I be fierce like my father" "yes" said his mother, "you will be strong and fierce just like your father"" as she unbottles the poison and grits herself as she's about to poison the only thing in the world she has left as she gets as close as she can to telling him the truth about who his real father was and we see Tyrion collapsing on the ground and shutting his eyes as he watches the carnage around him and Cersei offers her son the vile and promises him "I will keep you safe, my love, I promise you" and Tommen is so trusting of his mother he goes to drink it
oh it was his men with the Stag antlers on their helmets before, and we see Stannis' men fleeing back to the boats as, oh, it was their guys getting hacked up by the guys riding in on horses, yeah just like Renly said this is confusing with both sides using Stags as their sigils lmao, also this just made me realize from thinking it was Lancel for a split second that this not only means that Loren might be fully gay afterall but if Cersei was fucking Lancel when I am p sure Rob was still alive and he was his squire at the time Cersei might have very well gotten him to put something in his drink to try and poison him or get him far more fucked up than he'd usually get so he'd have an accident or just made sure he plied him with alcohol when anyone else would have made excuses to not bring enough wine or something for his own sake anyway then Stannis screams at his retreating men STAND AND FIGHT DAMN YOU!!!
as he's dragged off by his own men... or the enemy... I dont fucking know... and then LIKE AN ABSOLUTE BALLER TYWIN COMES STRUTTING IN IN FULL ARMOR AND A RED CLOAK WITH HIS FACE SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD AND TELLS HIS DAUGHTER "THE BATTLE IS OVER, WE HAVE WON" WITH A SMUG SMILE LIKE AN ABSOLUTE GANGSTER
and Cersei, barely avoiding the edgiest scene yet, lets the poison spill on the ground and drops the vile shattering it, and she holds Tommen close and kisses his head in relief, and over the closing credits there is some edgy song sung by some deep voiced Chad guy about a lion standing strong
wow that was a fantastic episode, you can tell they spent a fuck load of money on that because that really was movie quality, sure it was centred around like one location but so was like the best movie battle ever the fight at Helmsdeep, literally far better than most modern war movies that people suck off like Dunkirk that had like zero action and just like 500 extras standing around in tiny lines on a beach when in real life the event had over 300K fucking people there, and all the action in this episode was in service of developing the characters, great shit bravo HBO tbh, probably the best episode so far tbqh since, well, no fucking Jon's virgin quest or Dany mary sue dogshit for a start which is always good, but it's focused on one situation in one location in pretty much real-time and has big character development for everyone as they're put through this crucible, as The Hounds nihilism catches up with him, as we see the worst and best sides of Cersei, as Tyrion rises to the challenge and Joffrey fails to, ect ect, which overcomes a lot of the flaws of the shows slow pace, I know I've said I enjoy the decompressed style of modern "premiere" TV whatever that means but it works great in Breaking Bad because yeah you might only get like 8 scenes total in an episode of a very methodical conversation or a very drawn out plot advancement scene but you're only really following the main character and usually 1 antagonist and 1 side character so you can get reasonably paced and very in depth development of their stories in one episode, the problem with this show is THERE'S LIKE 100 NAMED FUCKING CHARACTERS, you have a main story with 5 different fucking armies fighting with 2 side stories, and each of these 7 storylines has 1 to like 8 main characters in them at any given time, and each of these like 30 main characters has 1 or 2 named support characters, so never mind doing anything you don't see half the cast for most episodes, and there's only 10 episodes a season so by the end of the season each character has usually only actually done one thing to advance their plot, like all Robb or Jon have done is meet their love interests, all Jaime or Arya have done is escape capture or get captured respectively, all Sansa has done is almost get raped, Joffrey hasn't done anything other than bottle it this episode, Dany doesn't really do anything and just finds a new group of people to rant at, all Renly did was get killed by a T-3000, only Tyrion and fucking Theon have really evolved that much, I couldn't imagine waiting a week to watch this shit because all that'd progress is "ah another tea time with Tywin and Cersei threatens someone, what amazing plot advancement"rather than the about 2 episodes a day progress I'm going at, but this episode wasn't just drifting around the realm seeing Cat moaning at someone for 4 minutes and then not seeing her again we focus entirely on the stories of the characters in Kingslanding during an actual plot event happening and it was dank as fucking hell and they need to do episodes like this more
Game of Thrones 2x10: "Valar Morghulis" lock up racemixers special edition
First aired: June 3, 2012
ok like some fucking LOST shit we open up on a human eye opening as the sounds of the battle rage around them and when they open flames and figures flailing about are reflected
but then when it blinks the reflection is during the day with a figure leaning over them, very kino way to depict someone losing time and how the images of the war will stick with them forever, bravo, and it's Tyrion who sees through blurry eyes Pycelle leaning over him and he starts screaming for Pod who rushes through and tells him through a sore throat to go tell Bronn or Varys that he's here with Pycelle and that he's VERY much alive, and Pycelle taunts him asking if he'd like anything for the pain and brushes his bandage covering one of his eyes and his bloody cheek as he realizes he's scared Pycelle will take revenge on him, interesting that he thinks Varys is on his side or he just figures whatever his machinations are they seem to include him staying alive if for nothing more than a proxy to release his plans through, e.g. giving him that map, so it seems Tyrion takes the credit for coming up with that plan in public so he suffers any scrutiny or blowback from that, and Pycelle tells him Stannis suffered a stunning defeat at the hand of his father and taunts him that the tiny room he's in is his new quarters since he's no longer the Kings Hand anymore "but you don't need much room do you?" and flicks him a gold coin "for your trouble" before leaving smuggly that Tyrion got his comeuppance
then we cut to A HORSE TAKING A BIG SHIT and it walks forward to reveal that it's Tywin's horse he's walking into the great hall as if everyone let's him do whatever the fuck he wants and as the horse struts up, with I am pprrrettty sure the actors head CGI'd onto the rider since this dude is like 66 when this was filmed and probably not game to fall off a horse, and Joffrey does the extremely long title drop meme as he declares Tywin the savoir of the city... and the new Kings Hand and as a servant hands the pin over Tywin nods to his grandson and says smuggly "thank you You're Grace" as he knows he has complete control over this helpless wanker, who he probably detests for being so spoiled and soft like his own father, a thing he tried to abuse out of his own children, and Joffrey nods back to him with the same resentful resting bitch face he's inherited from his mother and the actor does a really good job of replicating it
then Joffrey calls CIA forwards and rewards him for his ingenuity in uniting the Lannister and Tyrelle houses with that wacky mountain castle Cats sister had called Harrenhal and all it's related lands and incomes and CIA cocks an eyebrow as he got what he wanted despite Tyrion jerking him around about it and Varys scowls at him with his face tripping as his main rival finally gets one up on him and when Joffrey says they'll be his sons and grandsons for all time CIA quips "I'll have to acquire some sons and grandsons" the crowd chuckles nervously not knowing if he can get away with cracking a joke to the King but they relax when Joffrey chuckles along and le smirky lady smirks at CIA enjoying how slick with his words her new ally is and then Joffrey calls forward Loras who kneels in front of the throne and offers him whatever reward he wants for saving his family and he tells him that Margaery's husband was killed before they could... you know... so she remains innocent (yeah right) and HE ASKS JOFFREY TO MARRY HIS SISTER to combine their two houses, they'd be a much better match tbh since she is also a sadistic cunt like Joffrey but also already fully acclimatised at not only managing powerful men but acting through them so everyone would get what she wants, she the most powerful person in the land, Joffrey the one woman in the land he'd probably get along with and everyone around them has Joffrey's retarded manchild behavoir managed by someone more mature, and CIA gives a cheeky smirk like he's arranging all this just so he can fuck over the Stark family and force Cat to marry him or some ultra friendzone Nice Guy shit, and Joffrey smugly ass Margery if this is what she wants, like he gives a shit and just wants to stroke his ego in public, and Sansa looks nervous like she doesn't know wtf she wants either she's saved from marrying Joffrey or is now not useful to the Lannisters and might get beheaded or some shit, and Margery says "with all my heart, Your Grace, I've come to love you from afar, tales of your courage and wisdom have never been far from my ears, and these tales have taken root DEEP inside of me" and Marg is hamming it up breathing heavily trying to act all sexual but Joffrey being The Incel King just gives his mother a cheeky smile, as if to say SEE I am loved by the people, not even noticing Marg making her innuendo, and he sees the sour look on his mothers face so compliments Marg on her beauty but then turns her down as he's promised to another... and a king must keep his word! and Cersei smiles at Joffrey trying to do what he thinks she wants for once but actually tells him that he shouldn't marry the daughter of a man beheaded for treason who's brother is in rebellion against the crown when he has a better option, and says "the small counsel begs you to set Sansa Stark aside" while glaring up at her, I'm not sure if her calculation here is what would be better or worse for Sansa lmao, going to go with worse since she's such a bitch, and Pycelle and Varys look alarmed at this new development as it's something CIA snuck up on them and the crowd starts cheering for Margery as they are all loving the Tyrelle family now for saving them rather than the Starks who are fighting them and Joffrey stands up and motions for them to be quiet and says he'd love to go with the wishes of both their people but took a holy vow, I guess Joffrey seems asexual and knows nothing about this woman so has no interest in her but he wants to marry Sansa just because he likes treating her like shit lmao since she's this seemingly pure and too-precious-for-her-own-good girl who's family has turned against him, and Pycelle steps forward, muttering and hunched over as if he's ancient, and waxes lyrically about pacts with the gods but points out his father arranged this marriage before the Starks revealed their falseness and says he's talked to the High Septon and says he assured him that their crimes against the realm free from any promise made to them in the sight of the gods and the crowd mumbles in their approval and Cersei gives a huge cheeky smirk to Pycelle to show him he's doing the right thing backing her and Joffrey steps up in front of the stain glass window of their holy symbol and declares "the gods are good... I am free to heed my heart! Ser Loras I would gladly heed your sister, you will be my queen!"
and goes on about how he'll love her forever, I guess putting the easy public opinion sway over his own sadism for being able to domestically abuse this girl he resents since he must have heard the bad PR he got from fleeing the battle and seems to care about seeming like a heroic leader since he's just been told he's entitled to such a status all his life and CIA gives a conspiring look and Marg somehow manages to smirk from both sides of her mouth as she's smiling, this is some Juliet shit right here
and the crowd cheers and claps as their shipping comes true, and Marg glances up as Sansa like gotcha bitch and Sansa cant believe it not knowing what to think as the extras around her do a good job of looking at her scared for what this means for her, and Joffrey looks around super satisfied the people are all clapping for him, and when Sasna leaves she actually smiles and laughs to herself realizing probably anything is better than being Joffrey's wife, and CIA sneaks up on her and she has to drop her face immediately and he basically tells her lmao ur not off the hook yet bitch he can still beat and fuck you all he wants since "Joffrey's not the sort of boy that gives away his toys" and he creepily holds her harm and compares her to her mother at her age and talks about how she was like a sister to him, not saying much in this show mate, and he promises that for her sake she'll help get her home, but Sansa worries he's testing her loyalty or something and claims Kingslanding is her home now, but CIA says "look around us, we're all liars, and every one of us is better than you" in her skills at lying he means, perhaps that's the only reason CIA set up this marriage, to leave Sansa as a loose end that he gets to take charge of trading back to the Starks so he can have Cat owe him one (a blowjob), very funny Varys elaborate plans biggest roadblock is CIA being a massive incel lmao
then we see in the brothel Ros I think putting make-up over the blackeye Cersei's men gave her when a figure in a cloak comes in and she puts on a nice voice while trying to put on her nice face and tells them to get comfy and starts getting her tits out to encourage them to be confident enough to take their cloak off but when they take down the hood ITS VARY'S and he says "no need for that my dear" and Ros asks "you sure? most men like what they see" I guess not knowing who this guy is and just thinking he's another weirdo john and he says slightly forlornly like it's not by his own choice or nature "I'm not like most men" and Ros quips "that's what most men say" and Varys chuckles appreciating her quick wit and Ros asks what he would like and Varys is seemingly there to poach her allegiance from CIA, needing to get back at him for his recently shenanigans (which is something I really like about their relationship, usually these "two masterminds are each others arch nemesis" it is usually a personal dispute or both are fighting over the same issue, but here they have two totally different agendas, winning over Cat and whatever the fuck Varys considers saving the realm, and just by sheer proximity they happen to interfere with each other and they'd probably be best friends if they had mutual interests), and is asking if she finds his employment fulfilling and Ros asks if they've met before, perhaps worrying if he's been sent by CIA to test her loyalty, but Varys says he thinks she remembers all the men she's met and her true talents are wasted on them and Ros says "ooh you're too kind my lord, allow me to return the favor" and snakes her hand into his pants to fondle... nothing... and Varys looks at her and gives her a cocked head like YOU JUST TRIGGERED MY TRAP CARD BITCH
wonder if they had to get the actor to tuck his junk back or something presuming he's not castrated irl and Ros recoils and Varys asks "you're afraid, why? nothing dangerous down there!" and I thought it was going to be she's scared of a man she can't calm down sexually but it's that "I know who you are" and Varys says "unlike your current employer I protect those who work for me, I don't abuse them on royal whims or force them to abuse each other" so I guess CIA let Cersei rough her up and maybe Ros was one of the whores Joffrey beat I cant fucking remember or tell half these crackers apart and Ros asks "how do you know that?" and Varys smirks and says "I thought you knew who I was?" and when she asks "what can I do for you Lord Varys" like she figures cant get any worse and then he pats the bed side her to sit back down and he lifts her chin up to look at him and says he sees her as a partner unlike just an investment like CIA and says "everyone has a weakness, your current employer thinks he hides his... but not as well as he thinks!" with a glint in his eye, yeah actually its pretty obvious to everyone in the city he is a massive oneitis cucklord for Cat
then we see Brie pulling their rowboat ashore and Jaime starts needling her again asking if she's a virgin and how the boys must have mocked her and then asks if she wished a boy was strong enough to overpower and ravish her and then says "I'm strong enough ;)" literally offering to rape her wow nice negation tactics but Brie just grumbles "not interested", ah, so that is how Brie gets her power and can play with all the powerful incel men, she is the rare femcel! and Jaime says "of course you are, you'd love to know what it's like to be a woman!" but as if to explain what that's like Brie's attention is drawn to... THREE WOMEN LYNCHED FROM A TREE WITH A SIGN SAYING "THEY LAY WITH LIONS" THOT STATUS: PATROLLED,EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 31
which is pretty edgy but I mean in France after Hitler topped himself they dragged women who were fucking the nazis out into the street and shaving their head off and stripping them naked so this shit probably happened too, and there's an interesting wee note where Jaime reads it out and you might miss that that's just to use it to taunt Brie some more but maybe that's what he does to help read it due to his dyslexia I've heard that's a thing that helps and Jaime says "the work of the brave Northern freedom fighters, must make you proud to serve the Starks!" pointing out the hypocrisy in pretending knights are noble, which I think is the central thesis of this story, I remember reading a quote from GRRM saying he was interested by how knights would write love poems to their wives and wear their ribbons to tournaments but then would go and rape innocent women when raiding an enemy village which tbh I love (pointing out the juxtaposition of the propaganda told to the public/themselves vs. their actual effect on the world, not the rapes lmao) but of course the braindead american public takes it at face value like all anti-heroes like Jack Bauer or fucking Patrick Bateman and just genuinely thinks they're cool for being macho and killing people but Brie insists "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime just says "tell yourself that when they swing in your dreams" which is something edgy I'd say, this dude fucking rules, points out the dumb normies hypocrisies and fucks his sister, wtf I love rooting for anti-heroes now, and then Brie the dumb LARPer starts tying him to a tree so she can bury them which is an honerable sentiment that gets it's grimdark reward immediately when they hear the voices of men approaching... talking about giving away a dagger when cutting rope! and Jaime demands to be untied but they're already rounding the corner saying "so unless it got lost up your arse on the way to your cunt it's h-" lmao the fucking dialog in this show and these three randomly generated NPC characters are they're shocked to find these two overly designed player characters under their lynching and Brie explains she's travelling a prisoner and THE THREE BURST OUT LAUGHING "YOU'RE A WOMAN? A WOMAN?! A WOMAN! HAHAHAA, WELL FUCK ME!" and Jaime dops his head knowing all too well what happens when men like this start laughing and a completely humiliated Brie says "if you've quite finished up-" BUT THEY KEEP LAUGHING AT HER LMAO
and when she goes to untie Jaime they ask who she fights for, and she has to immediately go back on her excuse and admit she is on the side of "the Starks" and when they ask what Jaime did he starts acting and talking all gruff and common defending himself for "eating", and she plays along and says "stealing", and she claims he's taking him to Riverrun to rot in a Tully dungeon, which might be the truth idk where they're going, with um Gwendoline Christie doing a good job of acting out Brie, who in a nice change of pace from the usual warrior woman trope isn't an actual le stoic badass, it's just that that's what she aspires to be, like a lot of dysfunctional things men do that women want to also do since they only see the positive stereotype everyone plays along with and not how that actually ruins your fucking life to actually do it to where you end up like The Hound or worse his brother, trying to hide how anxious she is, and the men mock her that he can't be that important if they sent him with her and Brie fiddles with the ropes for a long ass time you'd think she'd just cut them with her sword or something but I guess it makes sense from how nervous she is and the men start grilling Jaime on his origins who keeps playing common and as they're about to leave they ask Brie what she thinks of the beauties, and she just says "I hope you gave them quick deaths" and the lead asshole says "two of them we did, yeah" and just keeps smiling at her like it's not even meant to be shocking to him anymore and is just routine to presumably rape your own civilian women and Brie tries to hide her sneer and tries to walk off but then one of the men clocks Jaime as THIS IS THE KINGSLAYER! and the two of them try to shrug it off and the lead asshole asks his mate who he knows what the Kingslayer looks like, since this is in ye olden times before mass media which is odd to think about especially in 2019 where it's not just famous people everyone knows what they look like which I guess was a thing for at least the most famous since the printing press but now adays you know how literally everyone on Earth looks from a google search (other than me heheheheh eat shit Light Yagami) and the guy insists he was there when he was captured and the lead asshole deploys his amazing interrogation skills by saying in his thick manchester accent "I have a question for you both, and I want you to answer at the same time, I count to three you both answer: whats his name? one.... two.... three...." and Jaime just looks condescendingly at Brie like of course this will have to end this way and Brie glares at him like she hates him but knows hes right so BRIE SHOVES JAIME AWAY, STUNS ONE OF THE MEN WITH THE BUTT OF HER SHORT SWORD AS SHE DRAWS IT, SLITS THE SECOND MAN'S THROAT WITH IT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN DRAW HIS
AS SHE DRAWS THE FIRST MANS SWORD SLASHING IT ACROSS THE LEADERS CHEST IN AS HE COMES AT HER IN ONE MOTION AND THEN USES BOTH SWORDS TO SLICE THE FIRST UNARMED MANS NECK OPEN AS HE TRIES TO GRAB AT HER
damn that was some operator shit I had to watch that like three times to catch what was going on which maybe technically a bad thing but I liked that it was just a flurry of blades and suddenly all three are laying on the ground bleeding to death aint nout wrong with a close-ups in a fight like some brainlets will have you believe if it's to depict confusion on purpose, and the leader grasps at his gaping wound and looks at his two dead comrades as Brie drops both swords and unsheathes her main sword and taunts him "two quick deaths?" and then kills him by seemingly inserting her sword up into his body through his crotch so he dies painfully, and Jaime cocks his head like he's impressed by her brutality, but he warns her "those were Stark men" and Brie growls again, meaning it this time, "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime looks at her like ok he believes she does actually have some conviction after all and Brie says she said she's taking him to Kingslanding so that's what she'll do, odd choice by Cat there you'd think she'd arrange a formal trade for the girls first and just move him to a safehouse before then or something, and when Brie looks down at Jaime not tied to the tree anymore she just hisses "stay" at him as she hacks down the rope holding up the lynched thots, damn that was a gangster scene, I was expecting this to be the scene where a certain something happens to Jaime I've been spoiled on years ago and probably Brie getting raped for le realism, but it was your more traditional "hero takes out the assholes instantly" scene, and the usual grim nature of the world made it all the more cool rather than the usual reaction of "well of course they weren't hurt by these random NPCs, they're the protagonists" in most movies, bravo GoT for being legitimately exciting
then back with Robb that is quickly becoming the new boring central he is being warned by Cat to not cross the riverking guy and tries to explain that at his age falling in love seems like the most important thing but in the adult world it's something you slowly build up for the sake of others like she and Ned did, imho there's probably a healthy in-between you should aim for between a literal arranged marriage or just dedicating your life to someone the night you meet them on a whim, and Cat says that kind of love lasts longer than than a passionate fling in the woods, and Robb gets snippy but Cat reminds him he gave his word too, but Robb tells her she has no right to call anyone else reckless, still triggered about her letting Jaime go
then we cut to Stannis edgily staring at a fire and is grilling the Red Lady that she said he fortold his victory in the fires, but he lead his men into hell with the brothers burning alive around them for nothing, which is an interesting thing that Stannis genuinely emotionally cares for his men and is a real boots-on-the-ground commander rather than most of the leaders who just see their men as necessary sacrifices, even Robb, since every other military leader character is in the mindset of being a highborn leader while Stannis seems like a practical down to earth soldier first no matter his family, and the Red Lady tries to walk her way out of it by saying she's been fighting longer than he has but STANNIS GRABS HER WITH BOTH HANDS AROUND HER THROAT AND HISSES INTO HER FACE "SHOW ME HOW YOU FIGHT, SHOW ME" and the Red Lady shows him exactly her fighting style by taking her hands away as if daring him to go ahead and kill his unarmed lover but Stannis aint into that kind of fighting and says the fucking WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? meme to her, lmao five star my ytmnd with the burger king king ploxins!!!11!!!
and Stannis chokes her to the point of almost passing out while whispering "will he save you... where is your god?" and looks like he's about to cry as if he actually wants her to be right and for something supernatural to happen so that he didn't just throw all his men's lives away for a bunch of bullshit (which would be a great dynamic if, you know, it hadn't been confirmed she really does have supernatural powers and his most trusted right hand man didn't witness her give birth to a fucking smoke monster assassin lmao, FUCK this shows fantasy elements, get the FUCK back to middle earth), and she struggles out "inside you" as if to try to shift the responsibility to him and it works as he drops her down to the ground and staggers away disgusted at the whole situation and then he edgily says "I murdered my brother", so what the fuck does he think happened, surely he knows she had some supernatural ability and didn't do it personally, he literally knows for a fact she really does have supernatural powers, why is he saying shit like "I'm acting like a savage worshipping a fire god" if he knows for a fact it's real lmao, so fucking dumb, fuck you GRRM, and the Red Lady tries to comfort him by taking the blame to and holding him but he won't accept it so she just tells him straight up "this war will go on for years, you'll betray your men, your family and everything you once held dear... and it will all be worth it, because you are the Son of Fire, the Warrior of Light" as Stannis falls under the spell of this thot whispering about ultimate power in his ear, I get the impression that Stannis storyline is a commentary on the universal Chosen One™ narrative in fiction and how nasty that would be in reality if someone truly thought they were destined to save the world they'd accept any losses along the way as something not only necessary but actually external from their doing if they're serving some great holy mission or inevitable prophecy even if you start out as a very honerable respecting person, which would be extremely good storytelling if it wasn't for, you know, DANY, THE WORST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW, PLAYING THAT "CHOSEN ONE" NARRATIVE STRAIGHT LMAO, GET THESE FUCKING SUPERNATURAL ELEMENTS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW REEEEEEEEEEEEE and Stannis isn't convinced yet since he's stuck in a dumb fantasy universe but the Red Lady says "let me show you" and pulls him by the hand to a burning fire and gets him to stare into it, which is I guess how people watched TV and also looked things up online in these times, and we see the fire reflected in his eyes as it hypnotises him and seduces him into fulfilling it's destructive promise and she's like "do you see my king?" and he admits "...yes..."
then speaking of edgy fires we see Theon slumped in a chair throwing wood into his fire swearing that he'll kill the horn blowing cunt outside that's been micspamming him all night and the teacher says "they want you to know you're surrounded" as the Stark soldiers have arrived at Winterfell and I guess they're doing ye olde psychological warfare on them like in the modern day sieges when they play the sounds of pigs being slaughtered to freak out terrorists held up in some building and shit like that, and when the teacher tries to explain it's to stop him from sleeping Theon barks "YES THANK YOU OLD WISE BALD MAN!" as it's working and he's losing what little nerve he has and he orders the teacher to send word to his father but he says "you killed all the ravens" lmao fucking idiot and Theon tries to start up his tragic backstory but gets interrupted by the earrape horn again and starts up again whining about being held captive by the Starks and brushing off the teacher pointing out how kind they were to him and breaks down crying about how hard it is to be told you owe your captives and then go back and have to face your own father and then the horn blows away and he gets so triggered he stands up insisting "I WILL KILL THAT MAN! I SWEAR TO THE DROWNED GOD, THE NEW GODS, THE OLD GODS, TO EVERY FUCKING GOD IN EVERY FUCKING HEAVEN, I WILL KILL THAT MAN!" with his voice cracking half way through leaving him breathless lmao good performance and the teacher guy tries to council him that he should just run as he's not going to win a 20 v 500 fight but Theon even if he somehow gets back home alive he'd be the shame of the family, so the teacher recommends joining the Nights Watch with is where everyone running from their problems go and offers Theon passage through secret escape tunnels and Theon starts to be convinced but then realizes if he followed his recommendation Jon Snow would get revenge on him and ponders if he's too far gone for redemption but the teacher guy says "you're not the man you're pretending to be... not yet" and puts his hand on his shoulder and Theon admits "you're right... but I've gone too far to pretend to be anything else" and the teacher pats him on the shoulder and looks down having tried his best, this is why Theon is an interesting character since most shows either don't want to handle a character doing evil as sympathetic and/or want to have him be a hardass that seems cool or is easy to root against and not just fucking pathetic and insecure like the majority of violent people in real life are, which is arguably morally worse than someone who was just born fucked in the head or unintentionally conditioned that way by their environment but is a wee bit too much nuance for most shows and probably this one judging by the over the top fate I know Theon gets
then the next morning outside he is trying to rile up his 20 men by saying "that horn is the mating call of the Northmen, they want to come in here and fuck us, well I haven't had a good fuck in weeks, I want one!"......... wow........g....... goodone Theon....... you want to get fucked by men...... and all his men laugh.... but probably not with him.... and he bigs them up by asking if it's true the Ironborn are worth 10 mainland men and only the fat bald bully guy says "aye" and then he tries to hype them up by going on this big elaborate rant about how they'll die today bleeding from a 100 wounds but they'll be remembered by every man woman and child forever only a few of them are nodding while the others just stare at him so he actually has to start namedropping them before getting some "ayes" and he goes on saying "men will name their sons after us, women will think of us with their lovers inside them!" since he cant stop thinking about sex even now lmao and the men like that one and start going "aye!" to that as if they're all as fuckboyish as him and Theon screams that whoever kills the hornblower gets a statue and starts beating his chest screeching WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!!!!
and they all start chanting back to him and Theon gets super hyped and screams YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! but HIS FIRST MATE KNOCKS HIM OUT FROM BEHIND HAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHHHA AND THE FAT GUY SAYS "THOUGHT HE'D NEVER SHUT UP"
and the first mate just says "was a good speech, didnt want to interupt" and the teacher does the stupid thing of marching up demanding to know what they're doing as they put a bag over Theon's head as if it isn't obvious and THE FIRST MATE SPEARS HIM IN THE GUT oh shit and tells his men "lets go home" and leaves him to bleed out in the mud as they drag off Theon, oof
then with Tyrion he's accusing Varys of lying for telling him that that kingsguard tried to kill him... on his sisters orders... yeah thought so, but Varys points out no need for anyone else to causing strife between those two, and Tyrion believes him and tells Pod, his squire they're both proud of, to go get Bronn to post his four most loyal gold cloaks outside his door at all times, but Varys tells him he's been relieved of command and the city guard are now loyal to Tywin or Cersei depending on which (which one she's fucking I'm sure he means) and Tyrion suggests his hilltribesmen from last season but they went home once his father paid them their due and maybe a little extra to leave his son unprotected and even Varys says he wont be able to see him again as Tyrion puts it he "doesn't want to swim to close to a drowning man" and Varys lets his cag in to visit her and consoles Tyrion that the city still knows he saved them and leaves and then we get another dumb romance scene that doesn't work in this show since I'm sure it'll end horribly where she takes his bandage off and sees his huge gash across his face, which in the books results in him losing his nose, and we get the typical hollywood thing of "oh no I'm so disfigured!!!!" but unlike in the source material where they are actually super fucked up in the face it's just a scar
like the girlfriend in Ready Player One or the heroine in Mortal Engines, and he claims she'll only stay with him for his money, but she says fuck the money, he's clearly not cut out for the war life and hates it here and they should just elope and Tyrion wells up as as he's so tempted but he thinks his only purpose in life and more so the only thing he's proud of is his ability to manage the bad people in his family by outtalking and outthinking them and he admits "I like it, I like it more than anything I've ever done... are you going to leave?" and the cag who's name I forget says "you have a shit memory, I am yours and you are mine" and Tyrion has a great performance where he breaks down crying which would be more effecting if we don't all know this'll end terrible and it'll be his fault for not leaving this dysfunctional environment, with the terminology of my favorite cult, he needs to DeFoo
then at the new boring storyline we see Robb and the nurse getting married under a tree where they bind their hands together and swear a vow to the seven, another romance that won't go well I'm sure
then at the worst storyline we open with a very nice shot of the woods outside Qarth as Dany, Jorah and one of her few remaining soldiers hike up to The House of the Undying or whatever and they look up at this big scary tower with spikes around it, which is actually a real place in Spain I think, and Jorah warns the warlocks kill with sorcery not steel so don't need guards, and when they walk up to it Dany cant find the front door and asks "is this a riddle?" as she walks around it trying to find a way in (could climb in that window but ok) and when she walks ahead of Jorah he finds that... she's disappeared and he's back with the dothraki dude again, and they yell up trying to find her but then we cut to her somehow already inside the tower, and she picks up a torch and starts ranting arrogantly that magic tricks don't scare her and calls them scared of a little girl, which would be all hela epic if she wasn't 100% physically non threatening without someone else to protect her and her only abilities are defence against fire and makes her seem completely delusional and obnoxious
then with Arya and the boys they are walking through the countryside when they look up and see the edgy assassin dude staring at them smugly from atop a cliff and when they go around the other side he's simply gone like fucking batman or something and then just walks out beside them and he tells Arya killing the guards was no harder than taking a new name, I assume he means a new identity, should have just told Arya giving a name doesn't count if you use a persons fake name like in Death Note lmao, and Arya asks him to train her to be an edgy anime character and he tells her they'd have to go across the Narrow Sea to Braavos, where her equally flamboyant "dance" teacher was from, and he says dancing is easy compared to being a Faceless Man™ like what that cag told Danys brother last season, and tempts Arya that she could get revenge on all the Lannisters she swore vengeance on, and she says she'd like to... but has to find her family, so he hands her a coin that he can use to summon him by just giving it to a man from Braavos and saying "Valar Marghulis" very edgy and mysterious and then he goes to leave and she says "please don't leave Jaqen" but he says "Jaqen is dead" and makes her say his new/real name back to him to make sure she remembers and then when he turns back to her HE HAS A NEW FACE, HE'S SWITCHED TO HIS ALT ACCOUNT and walks off into the wild, I guess the implication here being he might actually be her "dancing" teacher who survived and just changed his face since they have the same obnoxious personality?
alright sorry but this is absolute drivel, why introduce fucking SHAPESHIFTERS into le gritty and grounded world? how am I meant to take anything seriously now? how am I meant to care about, say, Ned dying when he could 100% still be alive and that was just a shapeshifter taking his place? complete dogshit tbqh, get this fucking fantasy autism the fuck out of this supposedly le real consequences setting
then we see Osha, the wildling thot, leaving the crypt with Hodor and the Stark boys to find Winterfell castle has been badly burned with dead people and horses strewn everywhere, and they see the boys two direwolves whining at the gates as if they're trying to show them something, and they presumably follow them to find... the maester under that white and red holy tree almost dead from blood loss, and the little boy runs over to hold him and the maester looks so happy he gets to see his pupils one more time and that they're safe and the boys ask what medicine to get him from his chambers but he tells them he's fine and they know he's just trying to make it easy for them and the little boy breaks down crying, and when Bron says "they burned it down! they burned down everything!" the maester gets serious and says "not everything, not you" and tells them to go North, but Osha says their mother and brother are South, but he says there's too many enemies there and they need to go to Wall so Jon can protect them (seems like a bad idea but this dude doesn't believe in White Walkers) and Bran says he doesn't want to leave him but the maester steels himself and says "I don't want to leave you, I pulled you into this world and have seen your faces almost every day since, and for that I consider myself very very lucky" and then tells Hodor to take them off as he puts on a brave face and says he'll be fine there and once they're out of earshot he grabs Osha close and tells her desperately "you must protect them, you're the only one who can", and Osha looks down almost like she's ashamed she would have probably abandoned them before and isn't sure she has the moral fortitude to not do that now, but when the old man says "you may even have to protect them from your own kind" she says "I have no great love for my own kind" I guess realizing she has more in common with these helpless little boys than the ruthless nasty people in the world and she offers him some dank heroin but he just looks at her knife and tells her "do it quickly" knowing she's a real nigga, I feel like the story needs more nice normal good people like him since when every character is a ruthless military commander, selfish sociopath or sadistic psychopath seeing someone getting brutally murdered every episode kind of loses it's effect if you get the impression everyone in this universe is a scumbag so why be shocked by anyone's behaviour or feel sorry for anyone, rip dude who could have very easily been written as a gay pedo or something edgy
then we see our band of unlikely heroes walking over the moors away from the burning Winterfell, idk what happened there since it seemed like the fishlads were just giving to surrender Theon to the Stark forces and hope they get treated well since it was a hopeless situation but I guess they just didn't trust Theon to be the leader and fought the siege anyway or maybe like just set fire to the place and fled in the confusion but the Stark forces are nowhere to be seen so idk, maybe the 20 lads actually won lel
anyway then back in retard land Dany is walking through this creepy dark tower following the squeals of her baby dragons until she finds herself in... some alternate version of the iron throneroom, except with the ceiling missing and snow falling in to fill the place up, as if it's a vision of the future where winter has come and jacked up all of Westeros, and she walks up to the iron throne, which I think they're missing a kino beat by not depicting in the film making that it almost has a character to itself that tempts people to their ruin, but we get a wee bit of that where Dany goes to touch it, being tempted, but then hears the cries of her dragons, and goes towards them instead of her lust for power, and she goes through a gate and finds herself like she's in a dream leaving the gate to leave The Wall as if to say this environment is going to be everywhere soon
and she sees a tent in a snowstorm and staggers through it inside and finds herself in her old Dothraki wedding tent and sees KAHL DROGO HOLDING THEIR INFANT SON who welcomes her home but she says this must be dark magic but wonders if she's dead and in the afterlife, but then Aquaman, edgy as always, says "or maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself and came back to wait for you" and Dany tears up realizing "that sounds like something you would say" because she missed her completely charmless, dumb, savage, rapist husband she has no reason other than literal stockholm syndrome to love in some creepy co-dependent thing where he happened to treat her relatively well for equally unlikely reasons and she goes down to hold her son and Aquaman says "maybe this is just your dream, or my dream, I dont know, these are questions for wise men with skinny arms" kek I'm sensing GRRM, being a fat nerd himself, falling into the dichotomy of there's a spectrum of smart but physically useless to dumb but physically dangerous people, which could very well be a real thing since I struggle to think of real people who are both very smart and very strong but some of my favorite fictional characters are people who have both that you might underestimate their intelligence from looking at them or assume someone that smart must be a pushover physically but they end up being the most dangerous person in the setting, anyway then he waxes poetically but also very edgily about how if it's his dream he'll kill the man who tries to wake him up
as Dany puts her forehead against his and says some more poetic shit that goes straight into anime territory as soon as she mentions the wind blowing over the mountains about how much she loves him... but she knows this is just another test of her resolves, and she leaves the tent and finds herself back in the tower and sees her three dragons, one an almost black color, one a light green color and one a light brown color, chained up, and they squawk expectantly at her to be freed, which reminds me of my puppy's behavoir so good job whoever animated these quite accurate animal movements, and behind her the creepy AIDS dude says "they miss their mother" and another copy of him appears behind her again and they start talking back and fourth literally like Agent Smith explaining that their magic is stronger now they came back, and their magic is stronger when they're with her, and more copies step out of the shadows and promise she'll be with them forever... but then shackles appear on her wrists, and they say she'll be with them forever too
and they pull them tight as the dragons sequel in distress as their mother is chained up too and they're like "welcome home" but she does her pretentious meme about how her real home is across the sea where her people wait for her but the AIDS dude says "they'll be waiting a long time" and then Dany looks down at her dragons... and the AIDS dude looks down curious as to their connection, but then Dany calmly says "dracarys" and the black dragon coughs up smoke in response and the AIDS dude backs up a bit worried but then
and as if the chains were only kept material by his magic they disintegrate off the dragons and then her as she looks up like das right bitch, ok that was pretty cool, or I mean, would be if this had made any logical sense so far, like why does stabbing one of him from behind not do anything but burning this one seems to kill him for real? did she just get lucky and he got cocky and talked to her with his real/original self and not through a shadow clone or whatever naruto shit? even though nothing at all indicated that? what am I meant to think is happening here? she's just blindly lucky yet again? wow epic writing for a truly cool character that's not a walking meme
then with Jon, Halfhand and the wildlings they're marching through the mountains and the redhead thot is bullying Jon by whacking him with his sword and when he easily trips her and taunts her she goes to threaten him with it, distracting the Bonelord and allowing HALFHAND TO HEADBUTT ONE OF THE BADDIES, GRAB HIS SWORD, RAM INTO ANOTHER GUY AND... START ATTACKING JON! but other wildlings hold him back as he screams "traitor!" at him, and the Bonelord says does the Godzilla (2016) meme "let em fight!" so the redhead tosses Jon his sword and the wildlings stand back as they duel furiously with Halfhand taunting Jon and his father and whore mother to get him to make it look convincing until he manages to disarm him, and looking Halfhand in the face to make sure this is what he wants, JON RUNS HALFHAND THROUGH WITH HIS SWORD
and his last words are "we are the watchers on the wall", and his scheme works when the redhead thot says "you can tell Mance that that's the man who killed Qhorin Halfhand" oh that actually was his last name and not a nickname ok lul and the Bonelord goes up to Jon with his sword.... and cuts his bindings, telling his men to burn the body because "you don't want this one coming back for you" implying that the White Walkers can turn anyone who dies up there and when reanimated at least can still hold a grudge against who killed them last, which is a dumb storyline tbqh because Jon killing him, seemingly just for him attacking him in the first place, doesn't exactly signal loyalty to the wildlings, just that he'll defend himself, it's not like he was a free man and they sent him on a mission to prove himself to go kill him or some shit, in fact Jon hasn't said shit about defecting, it'd make sense if the Bonelord or Mance already had the intention of recruiting new Nights Watch members or something and the redhead thot said he was good material from not just being another brainwashed drone or something but there's no indication of that, he's just suddenly welcomed into the wildlings after one fight from someone clearly aggressing against him first, and they take him over the ridge to see a MASSIVE tent city of tens of thousands of soldiers and she tells him "time to meet the King beyond the Wall" as he looks down dramatically, I guess this could be interesting, putting such a straight laced character as Jon in an undercover situation where he's forced to do some evil shit to maintain his cover or something, inb4 it's gay and boring like everything he does
then back in Qarth the black dude is asleep next to a white cag when suddenly a Dothraki sickle lifts the vault key off his neck and he jolts up to find Dany triple duelling her dragons and her whole crew rocking up in his crib, and aaaah the white cag is Dany's cag, her handmaiden, and she starts trying to talk her way out of it saying Triple X threatened her life and this is what she had to do to spare her, but Dany cuts her off and just says "come", oh I'm sure she already has, she's with a black man afterall and the black guy angrily whips his covers off and Jorah points his sword at him so he doesn't try anything, then we see the dothraki guy putting the key in the vault and swinging open the massive door and Dany sees that inside is... "NOTHING"ITS EMPTY LMAO, WOW A BLACK MAN LYING ABOUT HIS INCOME AND ONLY HAS FAKE BLING TO SHOW FOR IT, VERY SHOCKING
and I can feel some eeeedge coming ooooon as Dany says "thank you Xaro Xhoan Daxos... thank you for teaching me this lesson" and XXX starts trying to say he's the King of Qarth now and can help her take the Iron throne and her handmaiden traitor thot starts begging for mercy and he starts up too as THEY SEAL THE RACEMIXING COUPLE INSIDE THE VAULT TO STARVE TO DEATH,EDGY, THE ALT-RIGHT LIKES IT COUNT: 1488
and Jorah looks at Dany lovingly since he loves bad girls just as much as me and hands over the key to the vault and then she looks around her people looting XXXTentacion's crib as Jorah says "it was all a lie" but she says "looks real enough to me... real enough to buy a ship?" and Jorah is like "aye, a small ship" and then yells to the dothraki to start clearing out the gold and jewels in their language and they all cheer finally getting to do what they've wanted to do all along lmao and we get a hero shot of Dany walking past the camera smiling smugly as one of her dragons gives a cute little roar on her shoulder as literally the Game of Thrones theme music climaxes epicly, wow truly ebin, so what, is Dany in charge of Qarth now? how very convenient, she goes from the first episode literally standed in the desert dying to ruling the biggest city introduced yet in the last episode, because they conveniently let her in despite her threatening to destroy the place lmao, then she doesn't do anything for 8 episodes straight until conveniently there is a coup by 2 council members against the other 11 so she never has to meet them never mind overcome them, then conveniently the main usurper is an incompetent fucking moron despite being an amazingly powerful warlock who chains a woman up next to her living flamethrowers and reveals her true form to her, and then she can just walk into the king's quarters and frog march him to his entombment with no one else in the city putting up any resistance, absolute fucking d o g s h i t and literally and unironically like a 13 year old girls fanfiction of how if SHE was in game of thrones she'd beat all the bad guys because everyone loves her and all the hottest guys want to marry her and the whole universe revolves around how important she is, literally please edit out Dany's content into another show fuck sake
then we get a panning shot of the desolate snowy mountains where Sam and his two mates are hiking through the snow complaining about having to dig up animal shit to burn as Sam goes on and on about how inspiring Gilly is much to his friends annoyance and one of them tells him it's just that she said six words to him lmao and Sam tries to diss him back saying there's nothing he finds interesting about him and as the 0 replies simmer in the air they suddenly hear a horn blowing and Sam thinks its Jon and Halfhands horn.... but then they hear the second horn blow, and one of them takes out his sword and says that means its wildlings.... but then... they hear another horn blow.... and the two lads look at each other like uhhh... and Sam realizes "three blasts?" and HIS FRIEND SCREAMS RUUUUUUN!!! AND THE TWO BOOK IT AS FAST AS THEY CAN LEAVING SAM TO WADDLE AT 1MPH BEHIND THEM BEGGING FOR THEM TO STOP
AS HEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE SNOW AND HE LOOKS AROUND IN TERROR AS HE REALIZES HE'S SURROUNDED BY HUMAN FIGURES SO HE SCUTTLES BEHIND A ROCK TO HIDE AS.... OH FUCK... AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES WITH ROTTEN, FROSTBITTEN AND MISSING BODYPARTS COMES STAGGERING THROUGH THE SNOW
WALKING STRAIGHT PAST HIM LIKE HE'S NOT EVEN THERE, AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE... A ZOMBIE HORSE WITH EXPOSED MUSCLES THAT SEEMS TO BE CHEWING AT ITS OWN FLESH
WHO STARTS SHAKING IN HORROR AND JUST LOOKS DOWN AND STARTS CRYING AND THE WHITE WALKERS LEADER JUST LOOKS AWAY BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A PATHETIC NON-THREAT LMAO
AND HE LIFTS HIS ICE-SPEAR AHEAD AND RELEASES A HOWL LIKE A HARSH ARCTIC WIND THAT ECHOS THROUGHOUT THE LANDSCAPE TO SUMMON HIS FORCES TO MARCH AHEAD AND THE CAMERA PANS BACK REVEALING HE'S GOT HUNDREDS OF REANIMATED SOLDIERS WITH HIM! OH FUBUNGLE!
Game of Thrones 3x01: "Valar Dohaeris" eight thousand dead babies special edition
First aired: March 31, 2013
so instead of the opening credits like in season 2 we open on some dank ass budget saving sound effects of scary monster howling and men screaming and clashing swords on a black screen and then fade to Sam getting the most cardio in he's gotten in his entire life until he finds a slumped over figure and asks "brother?" to one of the guys who abandoned him lol but when he walks around he finds THE FROZEN CORPSE OF A MAN HOLDING HIS OWN SEVERED HEAD oh yeah that's the stuff I love welcome back EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 32
and then he sees oh shit... A WHITE WALKER COMES MARCHING OUT OF THE BLIZZARD WITH AN AXE AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN... THE DEUS EX MACHINA DIREWOLF ATTACKS IT!!!
oh I missed these BUT THE WHITE WALKER KEEPS CRAWLING AT SAM PULLING AT HIS LEG AS GHOST TRIES TO PULL IT AWAY BY ITS LEG AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE ITS SET ON FIRE AND DIES (like... permanently) and Sam looks up to see the general guy holding a flaming torch that he just like poked this zombie with that's freezing cold covered in snow clothes instantly burst into flames and killed him in a few seconds, these people really need to invent flamethrowers, and all the other Nights Watchmen have suddenly appeared somehow and the general guy demands to know from Sam if he sent the ravens and pathetic dumb neckbeard cuck looks down ashamed and shakes his head and the general guy is like "that was your job... your ONLY job!" fucking useless westerofat so the general turns to men and orders them to march back to The Wall to warn them OR BEFORE WINTERS DONE... EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN WILL BE DEAD and [i]then[i] we get our opening credits that I still haven't watched all the way through
and Jon looks up to see AN ACTUAL GIANT walking about moving what looks like the rib bones of some ancient beast to put in the ground to start a building and this smug fucking redhead cunt teases Jon for seeing a giant for the first time and she warns him not to stare or it'll hammer him into the ground like a nail next and Jon nervously glances at it before scurrying away, ok ebin nice to see that after avoiding the elves and dwarves tropes we not just have actual giants, inb4 this isn't integrated into the mythology of a world where the fighting skills of ordinary humans is such an important resources at all in any coherent manner
and as Jon walks through the camp people start screaming "crow" at him, I guess because of the style of the Nights Watchmen's cloaks make them look like crows with folded wings, and they start throwing rocks at him but the redhead thot just lumps one of the haters out lol and she takes him into a big tent to finally meet Mance Rayder who turns out to be... a pretty metal looking but also surprisingly young looking ginger cunt, I was expecting some wise old man but he's more of a 30something dude with a ginger operator beard, and the thot and Bonelord tell him he killed Halfhand to join them, even though Jon hasn't said once about wanting to join them lmao, and Mance compliments Jon for killing the man who killed his friends who were twice as big as him, and Jon says some edgy shit about how "my father told me big men fall just like little men if you put a sword through their hearts" and everyone gets tense to see how Mance takes him and this pretty tall big guy looks down at Jon and says some edgy shit back about producing some little skeletons himself and Jon, like a cuck, gets down on his knees and calls him "Your Grace" and everyone else just laughs and Mance teases him that he'll have to do that every time he farts and then some Severus Snape looking guy comes up and says they don't kneel for anyone above The Wall and then does the "leave us" meme and oh, I guess this guy is Mance? and he asks him if he just wants to join them to fuck the redhead lmao and Jon's 30 year old virgin autism gets triggered and the ginger cunt tells him to relax they don't make you swear off girls up there and Mance introduces the ginger as Tormund Giantsbane.... BANE? kind of an awkward name to have with a dude who works with actual giants, I think I recognise this dude as a henchman from the wonderfully titled The F8 Of The Furious, and they talk about how they're glad Halfhand is dead and Mance shakes Jon's hand and says they used to be brothers back when he had a full hand, so I guess he really did get fucked up by frostbite and it wasn't his actual name, and Mance asks Jon why he wants to join them and Jon tries to say "I want to be free" but Mance can tell "what you want most of all is to be a hero" well he's in the right contrived storyline for that don't you worry about it and everyone stands up to intimidate Jon who can tell they can tell he's lying so he does the meme where he tells the truth but in a way that helps him... that he saw Craster giving his baby to the White Walkers and his commander didn't do anything about it... and Mance believes him and says he'll need a new cloak
then in Kingslanding we get a kino shot of some little boys playing on the beach that has the wrecks of Stannis' fleet scattered around which reminds me of modern day pictures of kids playing amongst the wreckages of like tanks and shit
and we get our first gratuitous unnecessary sex scene of the season where Bronn is in CIAs brothel and is trying to get a cag to take her panties off and she's probably uncomfortable and doesn't want to so she tries to assert control by getting him to submissively try to take them off with his teeth but then Pod interrupts and Bronn gets triggered and threatens to murder him lel but it's Tyrion summoning him
then we see the manlet himself examining his completely fine and cool looking scar sadly in the mirror and there's a knock on the door and he looks paranoid and scared through the ye olde peep hole to see... Cersei... with two kingsguard who looks suspiciously carefree and content which can only mean bad things and Lena Headey does a good job of even making her voice sound disconcertingly chirpy as she says "if I wanted to kill you do you think I'd let a wooden door stop me?" and when Tyrion tells her to leave her guards outside she says "I'm not afraid of you little brother" which should be a nice thing to hear from your big sister but is just scary sounding from her
so Tyrion grabs an axe, his new preferred weapon, and lets her in and Cersei gets under his skin by examining his scar and saying they said he lost his nose, a reference to the books and how in these times (before the internet, which is the real way to differentiate time periods, BI) insane rumors would circulate instantly (which was solved briefly in the 00s when only smart people like me used the internet and could tell dumb normies that their retarded myths weren't real, then normies got on the internet in the 10s and dumb rumors started spreading again, kill all normies tbh) and Tyrion tries to fire back at her by saying "the man who cut me lost more than his nose" and Cersei plays it off like he was just one of the rebels trying to overthrow their family that their father had beheaded and when Tyrion tries to call her out she just makes the "small room for a small man" meme and he calls her out on jacking Pycelle's memes and Cersei brings up his meeting with their father and gives him a wee scary meme by saying she knows because Varys owes her a favor and Tyrion looks more and more shook but she was just memeing and their father just told her lel she's such a bitch and she makes a little chuckle as Tyrion complains about Tywin not coming to see him and chirps "you're going to make me cry" and then they argue about Tyrion grassing on her to their father for having a 9 year old servant girl beaten until she lost an eye when Cersei was also 9 which Cersei literally laughs off with "if I recall she never stole a necklace again", and as we can see her disciplining methods worked out very well when raising Joffrey, and she says she's concerned that Tyrion will lie about her to father and they have a little meme-off about who's smarter, Cersei when she's happy, even when it's out of pure spite that she's gotten one over on her little brother, is so adorbs
then outside Bronn arrives with TidePod and starts doing his silly goofball routine to the two kingsguard but they're not buying it and he calls out one of them for beating women more than he fights men but they just step forward and threaten to cut a hand off that he puts on that door and Bronn being an idiot puts his hand on the dagger he keeps on his lower back to fight these two big dudes in armor with swords but before it kicks of Cersei casually leaves taking her guards with them, then outside there is reconstruction going on as Bronn moans to Tyrion, despite his current amazing privileges, that he needs a pay rise, the greedy cunt
then we see.... Davos... waking up with the scorching sun baring down on his sunburnt to fuck and back face as he seems to have washed up on some rocky little shitty island after being thrown out to sea and when he sees a ship passing he climbs up as high as he can and screams for help waving his shirt about and is shocked to hear it's horn go off as they've noticed him, then some men take a rowing boat over to him and demand to know who he is, probably knowing there was a battle recently and Davos admits he was in the battle and he was a captain and a knight... but then men ask aye... serving which King... and Davos doesn't know which side these guys are on and is probably tempted to just say Joffrey who last he saw was probably the winner since the winner rewrites history and all and statistically a random sample of three guys would be more likely to turn him over to the winner if he admitted to being on the losing team but he says "the one true king of Westeros... STANNIS BARATHEON!" and the men... smile at him! and take him aboard their ship, which is actually the rapey black pirate guys ship, who gives Davos his condolences for seeing his son blown the fuck away by ye olde napalm, and Davos is gagging for revenge so wants to be taken to Stannis but the black dude's lost faith in him since he's going mental only talking to the Red Lady... and burning people alive in huge bonfires, which is too edgy even for this dude, but Davos is like "I could just carve her heart out" nice one mate and the black dude seems to agree to take him back but promises "when you're dead, I'll gather your bones in a little sack and let your widow wear them around her neck" very nice and edgy
then we see Robb and the edgy Bolton guy with his huge army behind him arriving at the dragonburned castle Arya was at last season and Robb bemoans that it seems abandoned and they wont be able to finally fight The Mountain because his men are itching for some combat already, I really want a sequence where they get their wish and The Mountain just plows through dozens of these dumb serfs
and when they get in there yup there are dead bodies scattered everywhere, and Santa guy is like "two hundred Northmen... slaughtered like sheep" I guess these were the brotherhood guys The Mountain was told to dispatch, and Bolton says their best hunters are after the Kingslayer to get revenge, and I guess this is the first massacre Cat's witnessed because she tears up when she sees one of her fathers bannermen but Robb knows he has to be a hardnut in front of his men so orders them to find his mother a chamber... that will serve as a cell for freeing Jamie, and then one of the dude guys actually starts spluttering as he wakes up and when the nurse lady tells him he's lucky to be alive he just says "lucky?" and looks around at all the dead men and himself impaled on a rampart thing as if he'd rather be dead after what he went through
then we see the extremely ancient practice of writing by hand as Tywin is working in his office completely ignoring Tyrion sitting there awkwardly trying to get him talking about being the new Hand but Tywin just says "I heard how happy you were, you brought a whore into my bed" as if he in part took the position just because it made Tyrion happy and dryly admonishes him for using the power he gave him to "sleep with harlots and drink with thieves" as if he's accepted long ago this son will always be a disappointment and Tyrion gets sassy about Tywin not coming to visit him, obviously having some other angle trying to guilt such a callous man for not being sentimental, and tries to big up himself for his heroism during the siege but Tywin just says "clowns and singers require applause, you are a Lannister" and just cuts to the chase saying "I have seven kingdoms to rule and three are in open rebellion, so tell me what you want" knowing full well his son is trying to manipulate him for something and can't be fucked playing any games about it so Tyrion reveals he wants Casterly Rock, I guess their family's home castle or something, which Jaime isn't entitled to because he gave up any claims to a marriage or inheritance by becoming a kingsguard who I guess have a sort of warrior monk thing going on, which seemingly is fine by Jaime who only has eyes for his sister lmao, and Tywin looks half amused and half offended by Tyrion thinking he deserves that, and then gives him a long rambling promise that he'll be given... suitable accommodation and if he does right by his family a suitable wife and Tyrion looks like he could be satisfied with that if but then Tywin snaps AND I WOULD LET MYSELF BE CONSUMED BY MAGGOTS BEFORE MOCKING THE FAMILY NAME AND MAKING YOU HEIR OF CASTERLY ROCK lmaooooooooo
and Tyrion sits there shaking like a leaf as his father starts ranting at him for killing his mother and calls him an "ill-made spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust and low cunning, men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove you are not mine and to teach me humility the gods have condemned me to watch you WADDLE ABOUT wearing that proud lion that was my fathers sigil that was his fathers and his fathers before him but neither God's nor men will compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse" and shoos him away like he's still a little kid in his eyes and as Tyrion leaves his father warns "oh and one more thing, the next whore I catch in your bed I'll hang" and Tyrion just picks up the pace with a scowl as if he's reminded oh yeah he has no friends at all amongst his family
then we see Sansa, who I guess didn't leave with The Hound the dumb thot, and Shae sitting by the sea talking about how the cargo ship sailing to Dorne isn't coming back with it's usual shipment of wine as they're tired of Kingslandings drama which Sansa seems satisfied about, but then we realize that she doesn't know that at all and is just doing the cringy people watching game people only ever do in movies where you watch strangers and then make up a story as to their life but with ships, but Shae isn't playing along and is just... accurately guessing what the ship is doing since she's seen that type of ship before and Sansa gets mad she's not indulging in her escapism as she awkwardly looks over at the two Kingsguard watching them and tells her the truth is either too boring or miserable to bear and as if proving her right our ol chum CIA comes slithering up and does the "leave us" meme to Shae and tells Sansa he saw her mother recently... and also Arya, so I guess he did clock her but kept that up his sleeve, and then manipulates her into begging to do anything to help her to leave by acting as if it's far too dangerous so he can get her even more dependent on him, meanwhile Shae is approached by a more respectably dressed Ros who says she now helps manage CIAs affairs, I suppose Varys told her how to talk CIA into giving her a raise so she can get more intel on him, and she talks about how she grew up in the shadow of Sansa's castle since she can sense Shae is a fellow cag but she plays dumb and then Ros warns her to look out for Sansa... especially with CIA, I guess either meaning make sure she's safe but maybe also be wary of her since CIA could be a bad influence
then we cut to a screeching sound and a POV shot of something flying over the sea that's revealed to be DANY'S DRAGONS NOW THE SIZE OF DOGS and they're diving into the sea to catch fish that they then toss in the air and cook with their firebreath before swallowing whole which is a nice touch that these creatures would naturally have a way to prepare their own meals
and then the red one lands on the one ship Dany and Jorah managed to get for her to pet him and Dany starts getting uppity immediately by whining that they need to be bigger and that she needs an army and Jorah says they're going to Astapor who have the Unsullied who are the greatest soldiers in the world and Dany ups the uppity quotient by chiding "the greatest SLAVE soldiers in the world!" wow I wonder where this storyline will go cant want to see what other culture Dany instantly rises to the top of and destroys like some sort of brain parasite lmao but I guess Jorah isn't too woke on that since I vaguely recall him getting in trouble from Ned for selling slaves himself and with great comedic timing Dany says "its too beautiful a day to argue" as a Dothraki vomits all over the deck lmao and she defends her few retarded remaining subjects by saying they've never been at sea before but Jorah warns her they follow strength above all else
then we get a good shot of Davos being dropped off outside Stannis badass looking castle that seems to he having some construction done on it with ye olde cranes and he comes into his cool meeting room that's gotten even cooler and seems to be built into a cave that overlooks the sea, seems like it would be a bit cold but it looks cool so whatever, it seems like maybe this castle is like Cats sisters castle where it was partially built from carving into the mountain which I'm pretty sure is impossible and you need to build a building from specifically treated rock or a specific kind of rock for it to not just crumble away but ok
and Stannis has clearly gone a bit off the deep end because he doesn't even give a shit that his best friend is alive and Davos tries and fails to do the leave us meme but Stannis says "we are alone" as if he's starting to forget the Red Lady is separate from himself or something and Davos tries to question him about burning prisoners alive and the Red Lady asks "how would you punish infidels?" lmao literally allah akbar where's an 8channer with a gopro when you need him and Davos the enlightened centrist says he doesn't judge people based on their faith or he'd have thrown her into the sea lmao and when the Red Lady says "I'm not your enemy" he replies instantly "you are my enemy" and his voice gets higher at the end like he realizes this is it already the moment where it's fight back on her influence or get killed but she just saunters up taunting him about how it wasn't her when the wildfire killed their men by the thousands and boasts that she could have saved them (maybe by controlling the fire?) if he hadn't left her behind and starts guilting him about the voices of the men burning alive but she goes an edge too far by saying what she told his son was true... death by fire is the purest death and Davos loses it and draws his dagger but some guards restrain him before he can act and Davos cries that "that woman is evil! she's a mother of demons!" just fucking tell him you saw a fucking smoke monster that killed his brother but they drag him away to the cells
then in Kingslanding the new protocol seems to be that when Joffrey leaves the castle the kingsguard carry him around in a little cuckshed for his security but they stop in the streets when Marg's similar cuckshed blocks their path and Joffrey nervously peers out the window scared of another riot as he sees Marg walk through the crowd with her handmaiden telling her they should have guards and to prove her point she is confronted by a disgusting poor glaring at her and she just politely says "oh pardon me" with a huge smirk and we see oh they do throw their shit around in here we see a woman tossing a bucket of shit and piss out the window and Marg just walks through it ruining her dress showing how dedicated to the grift she is but Joffrey, The Incel King, doesn't want to speak to her then we see Marg putting in some PR at a local orphanage run by the septa women as she talks to some boy about how he lost his parents, I guess orphanages are not that big a thing anymore because in the first world the mortality rate is relatively low and we're more efficient at getting kids foster parents and shit since muh orphans is a trope throughout all of human history other than the modern day west where at worst you just go to a care home, and she gives him a toy soldier and praises his father for giving his life defending the city and when she realizes almost all the kids in there lost their fathers recently she puts in some PR for Joffrey saying under him their fathers saved the them all and they'll look after them in return as her girls hand out food for them and as she leaves shes still holding hands with the kids and tells the septa that if they ever need anything come her directly and Joffrey spies on her looking mad and confused through his cuckshed window, she's probably just doing this for the PR but seeing someone actually doing something nice for a change and looking after some kids is like the most shocking thing to happen in this show so far since nothing edgy happened, inb4 she's a pedo or something and this is some Jimmy Savile shit
then back at the castle Joffrey turns up for dinner with Marg and jokes about how the small counsel should be done for treason for wasting his time and her and her brother laugh at his joke but Cersei scowls at them for humoring his laziness and they try to play nice with her by talking about their dresses but Cersei gets straight down to business about her visiting Flea Bottom and Marg says "the lowest among us are no different than the highest among us if you approach them with an open heart" and smiles sweetly but Cersei just raise and eyebrow and says "an open heart is what you'll get" since that was where the mob attacked them and Joffrey gets triggered that his mother is already gearing up the ol jealousy of younger women act with his new bride to be and says "my mother's always had a penchant for drama, facts become less and less important to her as she grows older" as he's becoming more mature and picking up his family's talent for underhanded insults rather than just screeching angrily at people and Cersei fires him a look like she's triggered he basically just called her a ye olde facebook mom who spends all day reading fake news
and he claims they were never really in danger, I guess that's the official story, just pretend it wasn't a big deal to save face, and Cersei fires back "you are your fathers son, we cant all have a kings bravery" and Joffrey looks away trying to repress his mommy issues as he's not even sure which father he's comparing him to and Marg fires Loras or whatever the gay brother is called again a conspiring look as if to point out how easy it'll be to drive a wedge between Joffrey and his mother and have him entirely under their influence by just not being a cunt to him and she starts politely bragging about how much food her family is providing the capital framing it as their sworn duty which Joffrey doesn't pick up on due to not knowing shit about politics yet but Cersei can tell she's basically saying this city is dependent on them and when Joffrey happily says to Loras "I'm sure she knows what she's doing" Cersei grimaces and says "I'm sure she does" letting her know she's onto her trying to weasel into her powerful position of the only woman Joffrey will listen to
then back with Dany we see her sailing up to an ancient looking sort of middle easternish city with lots of dome like structures that almost look like mosques or sikh temples
and then Dany and Jorah meet with some arab seeming guy who starts talking in a new fictional language and his half black slave girl who I am pretty sure is the hacker girl from The Fast & The Furious movies starts translating that the Unsullied have stood there for a day and a night with no food or water and will do so until they drop, such is their obedience, and Dany walks into a group of these spartan looking dudes with circular shields, spears and helmets that cover their faces with gaps for their eyes march to the side to part as they move through them and Dany looks concerned and asks about their training and the slave girl translates a bit too accurately to her master "the Westerosi woman is pleased with them but speaks no praise to keep the price down" and her master smiles and nods at her doing a good job and tells her to "tell her what she would know and be quick about it" I'm guessing the meme here is gonna be it turns out Jorah knows their language or something and they're not hiding anything from him and the slavegirl says "they begin their training at 5, every day they drill from dawn to dusk until they have mastered the shortsword, the shield and the three spears, only 1 boy in 4 survives this rigorous training" and the master looks creepily at Dany as he says through his translator "their loyalty and obedience are absolute, they fear nothing" but Jorah interrupts saying "even the bravest men fear death" and the master says "tell the old man he smells of piss" lmaooooo and the slavegirl stutters "truly master?" and the master snaps "no not truly! are you a girl or a goat to ask such a thing?!" and then has her actually say "my master says the Unsullied are not men, death means nothing to them" and then he tells his slavegirl to "tell this ignorant whore of a Westerner" (lmao definitely arabs) "to open her eyes and watch"
as he walks down to his men and commands one forward... and takes his shield and spear aside and takes his knife... and HE CUTS ONE OF THE UNSULLIED NIPPLES OFF, WHO STANDS THERE UNFLINCHINGEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 33 much to Danys disgust as she tries to call him off but he ignores her and says to his slavegirl "does the dumb bitch know we've cut off their balls?" I get the idea of making sure they can't reproduce so they don't care about their own future and the only thing they'll be dedicated to is their cause like some Black Widow shit and this is probably inspired by how the arab slave trade enslaved from africans than whitey ever did but there are very few black people living in the middle east since they castrated all their male slaves lmao but that was to make sure they couldn't knock up their wives and maybe make them more docile methinks if you wanted a man to be a strong and aggressive warrior you probably shouldn't, you know, stop his body from being able to produce testosterone, so from how dumb this idea that's gonna be another EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 34 from me dawg
and the slavegirl tries to tone down the edgey just a bit by translating it as "my master points out that men dont need nipples" and Jorah gets an awkward look as if he's thinking "nah I like playing with mine thanks" and the master puts the mans armor back on and says he's done with him and he says "this one is glad to be of service" as he steps back into position and the slavegirl translates "to win his shield, the Unsullied must go to the slave market with a silver mark, find a newborn and kill it before it's mother's eyes, this way, my master says, we make certain there is no weakness left in them" jesus christ EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 35 I guess this is similar to certain real world special forces training where they give them a pet and then order them to kill it or more closely making child soldiers in Africa kill other kids or even their own parents, as always real life, well specifically Africa, out-edges fiction, and Dany gets that high horse look in her eyes as if she's adding another name to her mental list of who to overthrow and asks in disgust "you take a babe from its mother's arms and kill it as she watches and pay for her pain with a silver coin?" and the slavegirl translates for the master who says "what a soft mewling fool this one is" and she translates that "the silver is paid to the baby's owner, not the mother" oof the edge and then he just smiles at her like what of it bitch u mad lmao and she asks him how much does he have to sell and he holds up eight fingers to indicate "eight thousand" and he calls her a whore again as his slavegirl tries to translate nicely that she should be quick in her decision as the Unsullied part for their master to leave and Dany looks at Jorah it's already a done deal she'll merc him, ok I have to admit I kind of like Dany's vibe here, her absolutely delusional egomania is kind of charming when she's up against someone actually sinister rather than just retarded savages, her fop brother or lame ass con men
then as they walk by the sea she whines about the "eight thousand dead babies" required to train the Unsullied (waiting for some more edgy shit as to what they need to do to earn their sword and their three spears) and Jorah reasons "the Unsullied are a means to an end" ah yes her masterplan to invade the entire continent I don't think she's ever been to and then she agonizes over what she'll be if she owns an army of slaves and Jorah reasons again with his realpolitik shit "do you think they'd have easier lives serving men like Kraznys or serving you?" couldn't she just... you know... let them go if they wanted? it would be kind of a cheeky gamble since she'd then be in the moral right and maybe some would leave but realistically they'd all been conditioned into this life since they were 5 and even if they had the individuality to want to leave they'd probably have no idea how to survive on their own as a free man and would just keep working for her for the sake of the food and shelter like a lot of African slaves did when America ended slavery, and then they see a young girl playing with a ball in the crowd and go to see her but then... a cloaked figure starts following them, and Jorah goes on "you'll be fair to them, you won't mutilate them to make a point, you wont order them to murder babies, a great injustice has been done to them, closing your eyes wont undo it" wtf I'm starting to like Jorah too he's speaking sense to her successfully but not in a pathetic orbiter way by just praising her non-stop oh please jesus let this storyline be actually good and then the little girl rolls the ball to Dany and motions for her to twist it open as the hooded figure takes out a dagger and lunges at Dany, knocking it out of her hand, and Jorah restrains him, but it seems he was trying to save her since the ball slides open and THIS BIG FREAKY GREEN SCORPION CRAWLS OUT
and brainlet fucking Dany stays laying on the ground for it to rush at her face that she just crawls away from rather than, you know, standing up so the one inch tall bug cant get you and you can easily steep on it, but the hooded man stabs it with his dagger saving her just in time
and he looks up to see THE LITTLE GIRL HISSES AT THEM SHOWING HER BLUE TEETH and then she runs off jumping into the water without a splash and the hooded man runs over to see her gone with the water not even disturbed and they all turn to see the loli standing on a wall watching them and then casually walking off and Dany accurately diagnoses this as the work of "the warlocks" ok never mind sorry I thought the writing for Dany's storyline was going to be good what was I fucking thinking of course not one second later this dumbass supernatural dogshit is back GET THIS GAY SHIT BACK TO ONCE UPON A TIME OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GOOFY FAIRYTALE FANTASY SHOW
and Dany thanks the mystery man for saving her life and he takes his hood off revealing himself to be an older man and calls her his queen and Jorah looks rustled like "there's only room for ONE beta orbiter in this town!" and he claims that this old man is "one of the greatest fighters the seven kingdoms has ever seen... and as the Lord Commander of Robert Baratheon's Kingsguard" aaaaaaaaaaah! it's old general guy #4 who resigned when Joffrey took power, and the dude walks up confident saying "King Robert is dead, I have been searching for you, Daenerys Stormborn, to ask your forgiveness, I was sworn to protect your family, I failed them" and then he kneels down and says "I am Barristan Selmy, Kingsguard to your father, allow me to join your Queensguard and I will not fail you again" and bows his head and Jorah looks suspiciously at him like he's already thinking he's a plant from Stannis or something but Dany looks hyped, probably a bad sign that this dude has any sense of loyalty left for the absolute madlad who was killing people because the voices told him to but ok, and then we get a "in memory of Martin Kenzie BSC" before the credits who seems to be a director who did episode 4, 5, 6 and 7 of season 2 but rekt by cancer at only age 56, rip, thanks for that extremely dumb episode that ruined the show with the smoke monster assassin my dude
Game of Thrones 3x02: "Dark Wings, Dark Words" throne of cocks special edition
First aired: April 7, 2013
this episode begins with another of Bran's dreams, who seems to have hit puberty and looks like 5 years older, since he's running through the woods with a bow and arrow when suddenly he's startled by le three eyed raven so he aims his bow at it and suddenly Jon and Robb are beside him encouraging him how to aim and when he misses he hears Ned's voice saying "and which one of you were a marskman at 10?" and he looks up to try to find him when suddenly a strange boy his own age is there and tells him "you cant kill it you know... BECAUSE IT'S YOU" and Bran awakes with a start next to the two direwolves and his little brother, so Bran is a feathery? huh ok and Hodor checks on him and Osha is edgily making a spear or something who tells Bran, who's voice is like twice as deep, not to tell her his black magic dreams and Bran tells her not to worry as no one knows they're alive, I guess they eventually told him about the burnt bodies but I am pretty sure Theon was talking to his first mate about compensating the farmer for murdering his farmhands but maybe Osha thinks only Theon knew it wasn't them or something I don't fucking know that storyline was dumb for the sake of an obvious twist that completely failed
then we see Robb and his now wife talking about how she never thought she'd marry a bearded stinking barbarian from Westeros, I guess it's so cold there comparatively beards are a big fashion, and then Lord Bolton arrives with a letter from Winterfell and outside Robb has to tell his mother what happened at their home being massacred and burnt down by the Ironborn shitheads and how the boys are still missing and Cat tears up realizing she might have another two children held hostage by their enemies and she asks if he's heard anything of Theon hoping he'll still do right by them
but then uh oh we cut to Theon being woken up tied to a cross in a dungeon by a bucket of water over him when a strange man comes towards him with a knife and Theon starts bricking it and asks "where am I? who are you? what do you want?!" and the man camly says "I want... to do this" and HE PRIES THEON'S FINGERNAIL OFF WITH THE KNIFEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 36 that shit gets me since I used to have an ingrown toenail for like 15 years that'd bleed profusely anytime I kicked it until it finally grew out but there's still a like shard of nail embedded in my toe that you can see a bit of blackness inside it like it's fucking necrotic or something so anything to do with damaging nails freaks me out
then with the third pair of incels on the show, the femcel and the incestcel, Brie is marching Jaime out of a bush and across a field of sheep which is the kind of place that I live around, just fields and fields of sheep everywhere, and I guess they've been marching for fucking weeks if Dany's dragons are so big, I know from getting a puppy recently that animals can grow fast as fuck but it'd still be a while, and apparently Brie is hoping to trade Jaime at Kingslanding for the Stark girls, yeah sounds like a good idea and they wont just merc you, and Jaime taunts Brie for being so taciturn and humorless asking "you think Lady Stark wants a giant toeheaded plank following her around for the rest of her life?" lmaooooo and she glares at the back of his head like she hates this fucking dickhead, speaking of which we cut to her awkwardly watching Jaime taking a piss break I guess in case he takes the chance to try and do a runner and he starts needling her again about when she started working for Cat and fishes around asking if she was pledged to Stannis, and when she says "gods no!" he realizes "ah, Renly" from her reaction and sees a new angle to wind her up by insulting Renly as not fit to lead because he was such a precious little tulip skipping down the halls in his embroidered nighties and Brie defends him because she was a member of his Kingsguard as that's her greatest pride, all 16 hours of it, and Jaime taunts her that it sounds like she fancied him, and she stubbornly says "I did not... fancy him" lmao and Jaime teases her "you weren't his type I'm afraid, he preferred curly haired little girls like Loras Tyrelle, you're far too much man for him" lmaoooooooo
and she says "I have no time for fowl rumors" but Jaime goes on saying "ITS A SHAME THE THRONE WASN'T MADE OUT OF COCKS, THEY'D HAVE NEVER GOTTEN HIM OFF OF IT" HAHAHAHAHAAHAH but Brie gets triggered and grabs him by his hair and snarls in his face SHUT YOUR MOUTH
but Jaime was just memeing, and is probably still lying now, but says sincerely "I don't blame you, or him, we don't get to choose who he loves" probably honestly meaning, you know, his fucking sister, but also probably not actually feeling any sympathy for them at all despite being in the same predicament, and then they get interrupted by a seemingly harmless man carrying some hey on a horse who makes smalltalk with them presuming they're avoiding taking the kingsroad to avoid bandits or maybe taxmen, jokes with Brie that she looks tough enough and then says "seven blessings to ya" as they laugh politely with him as Brie hides the rope Jaime's tied up with behind her so he doesn't get any ideas about freeing a kidnap victim or realizing who this dude is and as the guy goes on his way Jaime glares at him and starts whispering the devils work into Brie's ear from her left shoulder telling her "he knows who I am, what if he tells someone?" and she knows what he's getting at and says "we're not doing it, he's an innocent man" already falling into the trap of thinking there's a "we" and Jaime pushes "more innocent than Lady Starks daughters?" playing her loyalty against her morality but the later wins out and she disgustingly shoves him along, presume she'll end up having to kill an innocent person eventually due to the edgy nature of this world
then we see Joffrey getting fitted for a suit and Cersei smiles and says "it makes you look very strong" which makes Joffrey uncomfortable but he doesn't want to admit to himself that it's because his mother is an incestuous whore so takes it out on his tailor snapping at him that he doesn't like flowers and all his sashes are wrong and when he scurries away not wanting to anger this madlad Cersei starts prying what he thinks of Margery and Joffrey tries to give the answer he thinks a King would give that she's an ideal match... since her family can help them crush the northerners and gives a bit of edge about how he'll hang their lords and sow their fields with salt so no one will think of rebelling in a century, idk starving people tend to get more desperate but ok my dude, and Cersei keeps prying about Marg but Joffrey gets even more uncomfortable and Cersei pushes "she's beautiful and intelligent, and her concern for the common people is... interesting" and Joffrey scoffs "not to me" and Cersei smiles like she's glad Joffrey doesn't have the weakness of compassion for subhuman poors and when she tries to go on Joffrey just snaps that this is a boring conversation so Cersei cuts the bullshit and says "Margerie Tyrelle dotes on filthy urchins for a reason, she dresses like a harlot or a reason, she married a traitor and known DEGENERATE like Renly Bathareon for a reason" lmao literal /pol/ memes, but Joffrey one ups her with an incel meme by snapping "she married him because she was told to, that's what intelligent women do, what they're told" based & redpilled and Cersei swallows her resentment and tries to help Joffrey with his jacket and says "you need to-" but Joffrey bats her hand away and snaps "I don't NEED to do anything!" and walks off when he hears the tailor coming back in and looks at himself pompously in the mirror as he tries on the new sash
then Sansa is trying to tell Shae that CIA is only looking out for her because he was in love with her mother but Shae warns that "men only want one thing from a pretty girl" and the somehow still naive Sansa says "Littlefinger is not in love with me, he's too old!" but Shae smirks and says "they never see it that way" but little does she know Sansa is accidentally right and he has terminal oneitis for her mum and Shae asks if he asked her to spy on someone or something but she says no and she just nods figuring yeah it's definitely sex he's after but it's just that CIA is smarter than that and can play the long game before extracting value from her and she aks her to tell her if he tries to get her to do anything and Sansa smiles that Shae has her back and asks what she'd do and Shae just says "make him stop" like she knows how to handle handsy men... one way or another and then Loras arrives and Sansa lights up since here's a man she actually finds attractive (too bad he's a homeboy on the downlow kek) who invites her to the gardens to talk with his sister and their grandmother Lady Olenna and Shae gives her a concerned look as she knows they'll just want something from her too
then we see Loras escorting her through these lovely gardens all the posh cunts hang out in and Sansa tries to flirt with him talking about the first time they met but Loras of course isn't very interested and walks off as soon as they get to his sister much to Sansa's disappointment and then she brings Sansa to see her grandmother who's surrounded by other young women and she kisses Olenna hand to greet her and they give each other their condolences for each others losses but this old lady seems quite hard to please especially when it comes to men since in the space of about 10 seconds she disparages Renly as not fit to be king, calls Marg's father a fathead and insults Loras as being good at hitting men with a stick (and something else long and hard heheheh) which doesn't make him wise, also here's a random comment this scene is reminding me a lot of Picnic at Hanging Rock which starred Natalie Dormer too, who seems to do a lot of costume dramas, since it's a bunch of posh young women sitting around in a high contrast brightly colored garden gossiping away with an older woman
anyway it seems Olenna's angle is sucking up to the royal family and she implies Marg doesn't have any wit and that she warned them it was treason (to marry Renly I presume) and asks Sansa what she has to say who just stands there staring admiringly at her for being so self-assured to talk down about the men in her family like she or any of the women she knows would do and when it's clear this dumb thot has nothing to say back she offers her some lemon cakes and snaps at a young waiter to serve them as they sit down by a nice table by the sea and immediately starts shittalking her son as a pompous oaf just like her late husband Lord Luthor (the kryptonite poisoning finally got him I presume) and Sansa smiles at Marg as she realizes this is what she's like all the time as she rants on about how her husband accidentally rode his horse off a cliff while out "hawking", I guess hunting with a hawk, and now her son is doing the same thing except "he's riding a lion instead of a horse" hmmmmmm I guess there's another relationship going on between their families and then she insists Sansa tell her the truth about what Joffrey's like and Sansa starts stuttering "I... I..." and the old lady says "you... you... yes who else? has this boy mistreated you?... has he ripped out your tongue?" probably knowing exactly what effect that would have on Sansa just making her stutter worse as she remembers him actually doing that to someone in front of her and Sansa gives the usual canned spiel about how great he is and Marg just smirks knowing it's BS and after bossing around the waiter some more the grandmother implores Sansa some more promising no harm will come if she tells the truth as they're all women there, yeah right, and Sansa looks down sad remembering "my father always told the truth" and the grandmother says "yes, and they named him traitor and took his head" and Sansa breaks down about how that was Joffrey and how he made her look at the head and Marg is like "go on..." as if they're gobbling up the free intel and leverage but Sansa catches herself and gives the proper dialog option again about having traitors blood but they keep pushing and swear not to betray her confidence and Sansa thinks for a minute and I guess figures they can just lie about her bad mouthing him anyway if they want to get her into trouble so she might as well try to get some help and she looks up and tells Olenna dead seriously "he's a monster" and Sansa realizes her mistake and begs "please don't stop the wedding" since if Marg turns him down it's back to marrying her but Olenna assures her her oaf son is insistent upon it and Marg just casually eats a grape and says "that's a pity" as if she's assured she can handle Joffrey and like it's no big deal her granddaughter is going to marry an abusive sociopath the grandmother just goes "ah, there's my cheese!" as the waiter returns, good character who I want to learn more about and why they're so confident, also a really great actress who plays a part that could have been le obnoxious cocky smug power player but just seems like what a self-assured woman who's lived that privileged highborn life might be like at that age where she's realized she doesn't have to bite her tongue as much as she used to now she's closer to the end of her life
then we see Robb's army traipsing through the woods as his direwolf looks on and we see the edgy banners of the flayed men on the Bolton's being trotted past as Robb talks about... his grandfathers funeral? how am I missing so much context in this show? I think I've lost a few IQ points over the years from too much 4chan because idk what the fuck he's on about, the pigtailed neckbeard guy? the maester? who's his grandfather? and the Santa guy admonishes him for wasting time but Robb says he needs to get his uncle Edmure's men anyway, who... I think is the guy who went missing beyond The Wall that Jon went looking for? another character I have no idea what they're on about, and Santa says some edgy shit about how he thinks he lost the war the day he married her, I guess because she's making him too soft and emotional, but he's probably actually right since she's an obvious spy lel
then we see Cat making some arts and crafts version of the symbol of the 7 gods to I guess leave at the funeral like we would do with a cross in western culture and she makes smalltalk with the nurse about how she's scared of her horse but she denies it and then explains that she's making some sort of protection thing for her children that only a mother can make, I guess like a dreamcatcher from, uh, apropriated native american culture, and she talks about how it helped Bran and then tells a longer story about sitting with another of her sons all night long as he was suffering from "the pox"... Jon Snow... and admits that when Ned first brought him to live with them she prayed for the gods to kill him and that's when he got AIDS and she hated herself for it and prayed to all seven gods to let him live and she'll love him and even beg Ned to name him a Stark and he lived but she couldn't keep her promise I guess getting Ned to name him... or no, because she couldn't love a motherless child, and she blames herself for everything bad to happen since, very sad story that would be a lot more effecting if we didn't know for a fact supernatural things were real and she probably really did cause this to happen with her prayers lmao and it isn't just how religious people express self-doubt like it would be in our world, nice shit setting
then north of Tha Wall Mance is asking Jon if it was hard to kill Halfhand and he admits yes and Mance goes "you liked him? I like you but if you're doing us false wont be hard to kill you, I've got wildling blood in my veins, these are my people" ok nice edgy non-sequester thanks very much and then he goes on about how he united 90 clans, half of which wanted to kill the other half, that speak seven different languages, and asks him if he knows how he united all these moon worshippers, giants and cannibals in the same army and Jon stares gormlessly at him and says "no" and Mance says he told them the same shit the Nights Watch commander told his boys that "we were all going to DIE if we don't get south, because that's the truth" I guess the idea of a less advanced culture wanting to breach a border wall to escape from violence in their homeland is a universal theme but seems pretty fitting for [the current year] never mind that they're also fleeing climate change, then it starts snowing and a dude with white eyes staring up at a bird flying around tells Mance "it wont be long now" and Mance explains "he's a warg, he can enter the minds of aminals and see through their eyes, he's scouting for us", I guess this is what Bran is too, boy Mance is quite the brainlet for giving the extremely unconvincing Jon all their important intel, and the obnoxious redhead thot teases "what, you never met a worg?" obviously not you fucking cunt, and when he snaps out of the trance and gets his normal eyes back he's acting super shook and tells them that he went all the way to The Fist of the First Men, I guess he can access multiple animals or has to like bunnyhop across animals bear-by himself and each other or something, and he looks at Jon and says he saw "dead crows" meaning his "former" comrades
speaking of whom we see what's left of the Night's Watchmen who were out there and according to a bully guy who's teasing "piggy" Sam for crying 200 of their brothers were killed by the dead men but somehow this fat fuck is still hanging around and he's mad because he was off hiding somewhere as he saw them all torn apart and he tells him to have a little rest, knowing he'll be left behind and die in the snow, and Sam actually does fall to his knees ready to give up, and the guy looks back as if he was considering not leaving him, but then does anyway, and I know from reading about arctic explorers and mountain climbers and shit that you don't want to sit in the snow for too long because your heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure and internal temperature all get so low that it makes you too tired and apathetic to get back up even if someone tries to get you back up and you just sit there freezing to death, but Sams only two friends come over and try to help him but falls onto his hands and cries like a bitch about them abandoning him before and one of them just admits "aye, we left you, you're fat and slow and we didn't want to die" and the other looks at him like bit harsh m8 but he just shrugs his shoulders like why lie they're in the real shit now, and they try to physically drag him to his feet but the bully comes back to tell them to leave him but the commander comes up and orders Tarly to get up who manages to do so and he just tells him "Tarly, I forbid you to die!" and then forces the bully, Rast, to be responsible for Tarly, on threat of his own life, and Rast glares at him and growls "I'm not dying for you piggy!" top kek, maybe this is why you shouldn't let obese people in your army and should have at least gotten him to lose weight in training or something before letting him deploy so you don't get into situations like this, what's next, letting the gays in the military?
then we see the suddenly very old Bran having another dream seemingly when he's awoken by one of the direwolves and Osha with her spear sneaking about and she hushes them before sneaking off into the woods and the wolf starts growling and I know she's just hunting stop with the false scare autism but oh oh shit the young boy from Bran's dream walks up staring at them when Osha appears behind him with her spear to his neck and says "not another step boy, unless you want to drown in your own blood"edgy and the boy confidently says "I'm unarmed" and Osha just taunts "that was poor planning" but he finishes, like some TDKR opening scene shit, "my sister carries the weapons" and suddenly there's a young woman with a knife to Osha's throat nice anime shit where people just appear behind each other silently, and Osha threatens "you kill me, that wolf will tear you to bits" but the boy just goes up to the growling direwolf and puts his hand out and says "you must be Summer" and it calms down, licks his hand and wanders off casually, uh oh, and the boy walks towards the helpless Bran and introduces himself as Jojen Reed and his sister as Meera and he says "we've come a long way to find you Brandon... and we have much farther to go", I presume these two are Wargs too which is how he could commune with the wolf and they can sense others of their kind and maybe are in communication to the guy with Mance and are trying to gather as many of them as they can to help save Westeros or some such longgame memery
then we catch up with Arya and the boys traipsing through the woods and Gentry is rightfully grilling her about not just getting Jaqen, who I suppose really was just disguised as a Lannister soldier like some Agent 47 shit, to kill Joffrey or Tywin, which I presume was a common fan question between seasons or something, and Arya just tells him to drop it already lmao she knows he's right and she starts arguing with him about what route to take and she says they can go to her grandfather who she doesn't know is already merced but then they hear someone singing in the woods and they all hide behind an ancient stone wall (a friendly reminder you really do get thousands of years old structures like this in Scotland as you're just out walking your dog while Americas oldest building is like 10 years old) and the fat kid suggests mugging him but Arya sees the dude has a sword and is followed by a bunch of soldiers and tells him to shush but I guess one of them heard them since suddenly a fucking arrow comes flying by them into a tree and the singing man taunts "whats lurking behind that wall? a lion? a wolf?" and threatens to loose some more shots but Arya like the dumb kid she is jumps out and says "don't!" and stands with her sword up and the guy just takes a swig from his flask and tells her to "put it down girl" but Arya tells him "just go on down the road, sing so we know where you are, leave us be and and I wont kill you" which is dumb since it gives away that there's a "we" when he'd only seen her so far and didn't know the boys were there but it's understandable since she's only like 12 but it's funny that this not even as half as bad as the kind of arrogant overblown threat that Dany makes daily and she's a grown woman lmao and the men all chuckle and the leader asks why her friends are so shy and the fat kid gasps noisily and looks over scared at Gentry and Ayra says "what friends?" as if she didn't already say "we" but maybe she meant her and her sword lel and one of the guys says "the fat one and the lad beside him" n-nani?! and Arya looks over as Gentry drags the fat kid out and Gentry takes out his sword like he knows how to use his creations and the fat kid sadly takes his out like he knows he's going to be the first to die and the men just hop down in front of them all lined up like they're ready for a D&D engagement and he surmises from their swords being "castle forged" somehow that they escaped from Harrenhal, ok the meme here is gonna be these are Brotherhood guys who're on their side, and he introduces himself as Thoros and his bowman as Anguy and ah yes they fight for The Brotherhood Without Banners me call it me smart give me reddit upvotes but the fat kid is too fucking stupid to understand that The Mountain was looking for them to kill them, not like... looking for his friends, and he accuses the Brotherhood that they'd take them back and put rats in them, and the leader tries to talk him down, but he wont put his sword down, so Anguy fires an arrow in the sky and says "thing is fat boy, when I'm done talking, that arrow's falling on your head, so I advise you move, because I'm done talking!" and the fat kid realizes what he means and hops out of the way just in time to avoid the arrow, ok not sure that's possible at all since he has no way of knowing what the wind is like that high up that would change the direction of the arrow but ok my dude but his men chuckle at his amazing skills scaring this fat kid into complying and then as he struggles to get his fat ass over the ruins Anguy says to Thoros "half the country's starving and look at this one" and Thoros just says in a rather odd breathless take "maybe he's the reason half the country's starving" lmao >420 BI >fat shaming and he chuckles and takes his first arrow out of the tree
then we see Tyrion coming back to his less good but still pretty nice room to find Shae there and he tries to tell her she can't come there anymore because of his fathers threats but she won't listen, STOP KEEPING HER IN THE CITY AND LEAVE YOURSELF YOU DUMB MANLET, and she shares her concerns about CIA making moves on Sansa, and Shae is shocked to find out Tyrion already knows Ros, but he plays it off as just him trying to know everyone, ah yes you're the only whore for me m'lady, but she's not buying it and he admits fucking her once... twice... but promises he now needs no one else and tells her they can't protect Sansa because now she's an unengaged young lady with a very old name she'll have many more suitors and Shae gets triggered about Tyrion calling her a great beauty and calls him a pervert as he tries to talk his way out of it stumbling over his words but she's just messing with him and when he realizes it he gets all shy that no matter his wiles with manipulating his family and other men he still has a weakness for working girls as she starts kissing him and undressing him and starts giving him head as he tries to warn her about not coming there again, methinks she's probably a spy too and she's trying to get his mind off why she keeps turning up there, I don't turst any women they're ALL whores ESPECIALLY the whores, thats a redpill for you fellow incels
then we see Marg being escorted by a Kingsguardmen to visit Joffrey and uh oh HE HAS HIS CROSSBOW OUT but he says he's just leaving on a hunting trip and wanted to make sure she had everything she needs, ok, false alarm, but um its uhhh kind of pointing at her, watch that trigger discipline kid, and they make some small talk about how the capital is more fit for a lady than a military camp but then Joffrey turns angsty and says "and the bedside of a traitor?" and Marg knows he wants to feel powerful so just gives him what he wants and lets her face drop and also knows he likes obedient women from being mistreated by his overbearing mother all his life so tells him "I tried to do my duty as a wife, that is all" and Joffrey looks enticed as if he's interested to finally meet a woman who knows her place and starts grilling her as to why she didn't give him children then and Marg can see the opportunity to give Joffrey some amusement so says "I would not speak ill of the dead your grace" and she gets a smile out of him and he tells her not to respect a traitor and she plays all naive and shy like she doesn't know politics and tells him "Renly....... I don't believe he was interested in the company of women" and Joffrey actually doesn't find this amusing, maybe because he's at the age where he's noticing his own lack of interest, and asks "what makes you say this" and she pretends to find it awkward saying it and then sits down beside him as if she's unloading her problems on her fiance and starts talking about all of Renly's excuses not to make a child with her and she tentatively tells Joffrey, as if gauging his reaction, that the only time Renly tried he "suggested something that sounded very painful, and wouldn't result in children" meaning le anal sex but Joffrey just looks at her blankly like he doesn't get it at first, and maybe he again relates it more to his own condition of being more into sadism, and as Marg blames herself to see what Joffrey's reaction would be he regurgitates his mothers opinions, like she does her fathers, "no he was a known........ degenerate" like he's not even comfortable being nice to a woman even if all it takes is calling some guy he didn't respect a degenerate and again maybe relates that label to himself and he starts fidgeting nervously and when Marg turns to look at him he tries to take the heat off his discomfort by saying "I've considered making his... perversion punishable by death" lmao literally your typical /pol/ poster, and Marg's eyes light up as if she's even more of a sadist than him and just more comfortable with it and starts lightly stroking his crossbow he has on his lap, almost playing to the trope of killers using phallic weapons as surrogates for their penis as they penetrate other peoples bodies, and whispers "as is your right my lord, you are the king" and Joffrey gets nervous as Marg's come on and shyly says "yes... I am" but then looks at his crossbow and remembers the personal power he has and starts boasting about it and Marg can tell he's got a growing fascination with violence so asks chirpily "can you show me how it works?!" and Joffrey is surprised to find a woman who he actually has something in common with and he starts showing how it's a new design that you use an attachable lever to crank it back rather than the old spinning handle (in reality this is probably a like training bow or something because he's too physically weak to handle a normal one or something but his subjects just told him that lis) and then Marg excitedly hands him the bolt for him to show off firing it through a stuffed boar head mounted on the wall (would be funny if that was the one that killed his (step-)dad)
and it's interesting to note he fires it from the hip, maybe because it's too big to put on his shoulder but also I'm not sure people even realized back then you should aim down sights people just eyeballed everything, like it was only in the like 70s that they actually started training soldiers to use the sights on their handguns in WW2 people were training to fire it from the hip for some reason lmao, and Marg asks to be taken hunting, making sure to add it's no place for a woman but her father wouldn't let him, and Joffrey insists she doesn't belong to him anymore, and is being successfully seduced in this fucked up way by how enamoured and subservient Marg seems, exactly what he wants from everyone around him, and he offers to let her hold it and he shows her how to aim it and she points it into a mirror, in effect actually aiming it at him, and breathlessly says "it imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here... and watch something die over there" and Joffrey looks at her totally entranced that she might be like him and asks "could you do it? could you... kill... something" and Marg chirps "I don't know Your Grace, do you think I could?" probably knowing full well she could and Joffrey concludes "yes, I think you could" and she asks innocently "would you like to watch me?" and Joffrey grins into the mirror and says "yes" as grim music plays, good stuff, usually in these sort of Bonnie and Clide/Natural Born Killers relationships it's the man who seduces the woman to a life of violence and usually when there's sadistic sociopath characters like Joffrey in fiction they're usually depicted as almost supernaturally intelligent but it's an interesting twist to have the still supremely dangerous Joffrey being quite the fucking idiot who falls for everyone's ruses and only has brief blips of surface level self-reflection being manipulated by a woman who's probably actually downplaying her own malevolence while trying to bond with him
then we cut to THEON GETTING HIS FOOT CRUSHED IN A VICE and he screams in agony and begs them to stop but the lead torturer just says "tell us the truth" and Theon whines "about what?!" so the torturer just nods for the man to start compressing his foot again and with some really good acting Theon hollers that he doesn't know what they want and the torturer finally asks, maybe to make him more desperate to answer but if I recall the edgy episode I saw years ago this is all just fucking Theon about, "why did you take Winterfell? who gave the orders to?" and Theon's mind starts racing as he fumbles over trying not to betray his family but also not actually knowing why he really did it and he just starts spewing out he decided to and just wanted to rule it and the torturer is like "good, that's very good" but as soon as Theon relaxes he nods to his man who starts crushing his foot again until it bursts with blood oozing out the vice and Theon screams "why did you do that? I told you!" and the torturer just asks again "why did you take Winterfell?" and Theon realizes/admits "I DID IT TO BRING GLORY TO MY HOUSE AND MY FATHER!" as he screams into the air but the torturer just walks menacingly in front of him and Theon starts panicing and stammers "no wait I uh I took it because I hate the Starks! I hated them for holding me prisoner! I wanted to hurt them" trying to find what this guy wants him to say, maybe thinking they're Lannister men who might be pleased to hear he's an enemy of the Starks, and the torturer just looks blankly at him and then puts a sack over his head and Theon begs them but the guy gives his foot one last crush and then they all leave as he's left there pleading that he'll tell them anything if they just take it off, presumably meaning the vice but also maybe the hood that's making him only have the pain to focus on, and then.... a servant boy who was sweeping the room (as they're torturing someone? a likely story) played by the dude who plays the invisible autist guy from Misfits comes up and takes his hood off (now for the comedy of him trying to take the vice off but not being sure which way to twist it and just making it worse which is what I'd probably do trying to rescue someone) and whispers "your sister sent me" (a likely story) and no he successfully releases the vice, which is obviously suspicious if the torturers notice but I guess Theon cant exactly think straight at the moment, and the young man says he'll come for him that night when the castle sleeps, puts the bag back over his head and runs off as Theon begs him not to leave, obviously not what you'd do if you were really an undercover spy but the edgy memes have only just begun
then on the road Hodor pulls Bran on his cart along while the boy and his sister and Osha all walk along together, I guess having made friends despite the pointless stand-off before where people can't just say hi like normal people, when little Rickon runs off the path but Bran declares it's alright since the wolves will protect him and signals for his to run off after him and the boy who's name I already forgot talks to him about how he can get in the wolves head and reveals that that was really him in his dream and they saw the three eyed raven together which can show you visions unbound by time or space apparently and Osha gets suspicious of him talking so seemingly openly with Bran so needles his sister about him needing her to protect him but she just says "some people will always need help, that doesn't mean they're not worth helping" and Osha, a woman who's only been able to rely on herself all her life, looks at Bran, this crippled little boy she's been protecting, and realizes she's right, so shuts up, and the boy tells Bran that when he told his father, Howland Reed, he saw Ned die he saw him cry for the first time, since they served together in the rebellion against the madlad king
then in some Inn Arya and the boys are being tempted to drink ale but by the Brotherhood, uh oh, but Arya is too headstrong to give in, and they ask them their story, and Arya plays evasive, but Gentry just admits where he's from, figuring these guys wont turn them over to the Lannisters if they hear they're looking for a young blacksmith from Kingslanding, and Arya pretends that they fought their way out of the castle, but they just laugh at her, and she stands up and draws her sword on him lmao, and they just laugh at her, and the leader effortlessly takes his sword out and disarms her and drunkenly does some dramatic sword moves which genuinely scare her but him and the rest of the pub are just giggling so they sit back down, and just as Arya is figuring it's probably best to just leave the leader guy says they can leave but then some of his other men enter bringing a tall prisoner with a hood over his head and they joke about how they only managed to subdue him by waiting for him to drink until he passes out and they take off the hood to reveal that it's not a man at all... it's... THE HOUND and the Inn all howl like dogs to celebrate catching such a famous fighter, but Thoras knows him personally, and Arya tries to leave with the boys as she can tell The Hound could kill the entire room at any moment, but before she can sneak out he notices her and doxxes her to Thoros and she stands there bricking it that now they know how valuable she is, wow thanks a lot Hound, I guess he's just drunk, doesn't care or knows he can escape whenever he wants, hell maybe he'll have them ransom her back to whichever family pays the most lul
then back with team incel #3 Jaime is needling Brie some more about whether to risk taking a bridge or the river and seems to manipulate her into taking the bridge by suggesting he could escape down the river and then as if he's trying to get them caught so Brie will be forced to kill innocents and be easier for him to corrupt he just sits down on the bridge memeing about how his feet are hurting
but when Brie goes to pull him up JAIME GRABS ONE OF BRIE'S SWORDS AND SLICES THE ROPE TETHERING HIM and Brie draws her other sword as Jaime looks at the iron shackles on his wrists and laughs at his predicament and mocks her for carrying two swords as if she knows she'd be disarmed and then takes a fighting stance as she starts coming towards him and they circle each other with Brie steeling herself and Jaime getting a huge shit eating grin on his face that he gets to duel again but this time uninterrupted and does like fighting game taunt animations at her where he pretends to lunge just to test her reflexes and then cycles through stance animations to see her take up the opposing stances and compliments "well you move well... for a great beast of a woman"
and then LUNGES AT HER BUT BRIE SLASHES AWAY HIS BLADE and he recommends "you shouldn't grimace before you lunge, it gives away the game" AND HE STARTS POKING AT HER AGAIN DRIVING HER BACK ACROSS THE BRIDGE AS SHE BLOCKS BUT THEN SHE GOES "RAAGH!" AND GOES ON THE ATTACK BUT JAIME JUST GRINS AS HE BLOCKS AND PUSHES HER BACK AGAIN AND SHE GIVES A HUGE SWING AT HIM HE EFFORTLESSLY DUCKS UNDER AND LETS HER RECOVER WHEN HE COULD HAVE STABBED HER
and he taunts "bit of a quandary, if you kill me you fail Lady Stark, but if you don't kill me... I'm going to kill you!" AND HE LUNGES AT HER AGAIN BUT BRIE BLOCK HIS SWORD AND USES HER SUPERIOR SIZE TO HOLD IT DOWN SO HE HAS TO BACK UP AND SHE JUST KEEPS THE PRESSURE ON HIS SWORD TRYING TO FORCE IT BACK AGAINST HIM AND HE HAS TO SWIVEL IT AROUND HIMSELF AS SHE KEEPS THEIR SWORDS TOUCHING and he comments "you're good, graceless, but good!" as she's just using brute strength to try to force him back SO BRIE BREAKS THE PARRY AND SHOVES HIM AGAINST THE BRIDGES WALL, PARRIES HIM AGAIN AND KICKS HIM IN THE STOMACH smartly neutralising his sword and using her size against him since she knows she cant match him in blade skill but Jaime just laughs "see? if you were willing to hurt me, you might have had me there"
and he pretends to put his sword down but just SWINGS IT OVER HIS HEAD FOR A HEAVY ATTACK THAT BRIE BARELY MANAGES TO BLOCK AS HE KEEPS HACKING INTO HER GOING ALL OUT AS HE'S FOUND SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE HIM OUT NON-LETHALLY FORCING HER BACK UP THE BRIDGE BUT HE TRIES TO TACKLE HER AND SHE JUST THROWS HER LARGER WEIGHT WITH HER HEAVY ARMOR AGAINST HIM AND HE GOES BOUNCING OFF OF HER ON THE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE AND TRIES TO GET THE SWORD AWAY FROM HIM BUT HE BLOCKS HERS AND SITS ON THE WALL CATCHING HIS BREATH and she just stands there glaring at him like "you done yet"
BUT JAIME HOPS BACK UP TWISTING HIS SWORD AT HER AS FAST AS HE CAN MANAGE BUT BRIE BLOCKS HIM AND JUST PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE LMAO AND SHE FORCES HIM BACK UP AS HER SWORD SCRAPES ALONG THE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE AT HIM AND STARTS MARCHING AT HIM AS HE'S WINDED AND SCURRYING BACKWARDS BLOCKING HER BLOWS AND SHE STARTS HAMMERING DOWN AT HIM WITH BIG HEAVY SWINGS THAT ARE ALMOST KNOCKING HIS SWORD AWAY AND SENDING HIM OFF BALANCE ONTO HIS KNEES AND HE GOES FOR ONE LAST JAB AT HER LEG BUT SHE JUST SLAPS HIS SWORD AWAY MAKING HIM COLLAPSE IN AN EXHAUSTED HEAP
and she gets her sword at the ready and Jaime looks up and realizes it's not for him anymore... there's three men on horses riding up along the bridge, and he hops up, getting an adrenalin spike from realizing his life is probably in danger now, instantly acting as if he's not winded, but their leader mocks "looks like you're woman's getting the better of you... if you can call that a woman!" leave Brie alone! shes cute!!! and Jaime plays it of "we enjoy a good fight, gets our juices flowing" and he IDs their flag and says "The Flayed Man of House Bolton... bit gruesome for my taste" and the leader just says "you sure he's the one?" and from out of frame a fourth man drags up... the farmer they crossed paths with before who doxxes him (proving that in this world no good deed goes unpunished, reminds me of a great comic by Garth Ennis where the Punisher and Nick Fury are in Nam and have the opportunity to kill a local kid who see them but don't have it in them and he goes and grasses on them and they get captured for their troubles) saying he saw him fight at a tourney before, and the leader says "give the man his silver" and Jaime turns to Brie looking dead serious like playtime's over and seeing if she's ready to go to work for real and Brie study's his face as if she doesn't know who the Bolton's are but can tell from him there's probably no negotiating here but he tries anyway saying "let us go, and my father will pay you whatever you want" and the leader, now with a dozen men behind him, asks "enough to buy me a new head? if the king of the north hears I had the kingslayer and let him go he'd be taking it right off! I'd rather he takes yours" and Jamie looks behind him to see all his men and realizes they're fucked and starts backing up and Brie tries to take a fighting stance but the camera is engulfed by the flags of the Flayed Man, very edgy sigil and I'm sure a very wise idea for Robb to ally with them, well that was a really fun fight, you can tell they've put in a lot of good work into choreographing it as accurately but as entertaining as they can rather than just hide random swings behind heavy editing like most tv shows that only have like 15 minutes to work it out before shooting (*cough* Iron Fist *cough*)
Game of Thrones 3x03: "Walk of Punishment" hope you wank with your left hand m8 special edition
First aired: April 14, 2013
alright so we see the funeral for Cat's father I think, who I have no idea who this guy is, from the fish clan which involves him being put on a boat down a river and someone fires a flaming arrow into it to cremate him which is copy and pasted from viking funerals but the guy embarrassingly misses the arrow... twice... and the boat gets further and further away... as he misses for a third time, oof awkwaaaaard, so another guy angrily takes over, lights his arrow, tense music starts up and..... he just walks away knowing it'll hit, and it does, and Cat sighs in relief her fathers corpse isn't just left to float down a river to wash up somewhere lmao, that was awkward but some nice Realism™, and inside the shit aim guy calls him Robb's uncle, so I guess it was Cat's brother, and the aimbot guy dresses him down but apparently this guy won a battle that forced The Mountain to retreat, and Robb tells them to stop squabbling over glory and dresses the guy down too for starting a battle to capture a mill with no value when Robb wanted to kite him further into their territory to surround and kill him since "he's a mad dog with not a strategic thought in his head", you'd think Tywin wouldn't put him in charge then, or maybe he likes that he's a mad dog and that's why he was winding him up about going soft before, he knows that's probably the entirety of his identity, being a mad lad, and just wants him to keep roving around slaughtering civvies and doesn't actually put him in charge of anything tactically valuable, and the shit aim guy tries to justify his actions by saying they captured Lannisters, but Robb doesn't care since they're only teenagers who don't know anything and knows Tywin wont look for peace because they have his "fathers brothers great-grandsons" and that losing 208 men is not worth it since they have less numbers, and the shit aim guy apologizes and seems to mean it as hes bowing his head in shame in the background as Robb says they can't be impatience since Tywin isn't
speaking of the devil we see Tywin at his first kings counsel meeting and the three stooges of Pycelle, Varys and CIA walk into the room and all three fucking brick it to see Tywin there since they might have their merry way having crafty interpersonal disputes with his children but they all know if they get caught trying any of that shit on Tywin he'll just fucking kill them and Varys, being the most competent one, takes the opportunity to look at CIA and Pycelle to see what they look like when they're genuinely intimidated and then Tyrion walks in behind them and just shrugs like yeah, welcome to the atmosphere in every room my father is in m8y bois
and Tywin just stares at them perfectly relaxed as if just by being in the same room as him he is asserting his dominance far far up the dominance hierarchy than you and doesn't need to exert any sort of effort to try to intimidate you because it's just a fact they all know and he just casually sits down and looks at Varys like he should come forward first but CIA, having spoken to him most recently and ironically actually being the one to save Kingslanding pretty much by acting as a go-between with the Tyrelle's races forward ahead of his frenemy much to Varys annoyance and Tyrion just smirks to himself as he can tell already this is going to be a contest of who can suck up to his father the best as it is with probably every other meeting and Tywin just smiles as CIA scrambles to be the first to sit down so he can be physically closest to him as if it's pathetic he thinks that matters and he'd fall for such an obvious forced gesture and Pycelle really puts on the ooooh I'm an oooold feeble maaaaan act as he sits down trying to seem as harmless as possible since he knows he's not smart enough to flaunt his talent at manipulation like CIA and Varys do so he uses the technique SLJs Uncle Tom character did in Django Unchained where he pretended to use a walking stick for years to seem harmless and then the gang is all here as Cersei arrives who we finally get to see with Tywin and Tyrion looks up and smiles as he sees his cunt sisters face drop and just look sad more than anything else as she sees who else is in the room and knows she'll have to be sucking up to her dad even more now and she goes and awkwardly picks up a chair and brings it past the three stooges and puts it right next to her father as Pycelle plays dumb, Varys face trips him as he looks around concerned at her as he tries to come off as compassionate at most times and CIA just looks annoyed that Cersei is obviously going to be able to one-up him on the get-close-to-Tywin angle but then Varys sees how pissed CIA is he gets a little smirk and Tyrion tries to hide his as he gets a little admiration for his sisters endurance in putting up with their father but also a sadistic kick that she fucking hates having to do it and Tywin just smiles at his daughter like he finds it funny the lengths people scramble to go to for something as simple as sitting at a table he's at and she tries to look away neutrally like it's no big deal and the three stooges look over to see Tyrion's actions as if how you simply sit down at a table with Tywin is the most crucial decision someone could make in their life and will offer a plethora of profiling information for these three manipulative sneaky little fucks and he just casually walks up to the last chair at the end of the table... and then agonizingly loudly scraaaaaapes the chair around to be at the head of the table opposite his father, as if he's in the mindset of being antagonistic to his father rather than suck up to him like all these other pussies, and as the obnoxious squealing sound fills up the room Cersei grins at the balls on the little lad, Tywin frowns at his joke of a son making a fool of himself yet again and Varys looks around cringing for Tywin's reaction as if he's expecting to see him getting ready to merc his son or something but his respect for his son is already way too low to be effected much by these shenanigans and CIA looks fucking annoyed that Tyrion has the privilege, from his point of view, to act the fool in front of Tywin when everyone else is so desperate to suck up to him and Tyrion just looks at the three stooges like yeah, don't forget I'm a Lannister and will always get more leeway than you three weasels, and they all try not to look shook as he wobbles the chair steady and sits down... before giving it one last wee scoots forward with a squeak and then sits there looking around all innocent as Tywin purses his lips and raises his eyebrows at his son's immaturity as he can tell he's only acting this way because Tyrion's realized loud and clear that that's what bothers him about his son after his last dressing down as if it's just pathetic he'd try to actually increase any personal flaw he's had pointed out just to try and feel a little scrap of power by annoying his father rather than improving himself like Tywin probably thinks everyone should be striving to do as he's clearly the best at, so in a way his act isn't working and is, Tywin's not so easily needled by stupid tomfoolery but he's still disappointed his son is so petty and insecure, and he's probably not impressed at him also asserting his dominance over everyone else at the table since we don't know what his relationship with Cersei exactly is yet but I'm sure he has zero respect for the likes of the three stooges who get close to power, but never have power, entirely by dishonesty, and are easy targets to intimidate for what he thinks Lannister men should be, holy FUCK what a good scene, what a well fucking written, acted and directed group of characters that there's so many lawyers to a scene with zero dialog so far and is literally just five people sitting down at a table for two minutesthis is why the Kingslanding cast are the best in the show as opposed to the more typical medieval adventure shit further north in Westeros and the bizarre fanfiction that is Dany's storyline because it's all about these nuanced characters inner lives conflicting with their shared external world rather than who'll win a physical fight or whatever contrived bullshit Dany encounters
so for our first actual spoken word of the scene Tyrion chirps "intimate, lovely table, better chairs than the old Small Council chamber" and Tywin just lets him finish his cringy shit and ignores him asking "and what news of Jaime?" I love Tywin since so often in genre fiction when you meet the big bad it's so underwhelming, but Tywin just exudes earned confidence through competence, so he's at once respectable and scary, the opposite end of the spectrum would be the extremely shit and underwritten head of the illuminati or whatever from this shit tv show ripping off LOST from like a decade ago called Persons Unknown which I think I've used as an example in some megathread before but basically when the big bad is finally revealed it's some angry woman who yells at her secretary for not getting her coffee warm enough, so this is meant to be the most powerful person in the world but she can't arrange to have hot coffee, right, anyway back to a good show everyone at the table other than Tyrion shifts nervously as they have no news with Pycelle's chains clanging awkwardly and Tywin dresses his underlings down for having no intel as if he could do all five of their jobs better than they could at once and Varys apologises so Tywin orders TRY. HARDER. with the authority of a guy who everyone knows is really the real King and then Varys tells him about how the Stark forces are in Riverrun for the funeral and Cersei sighs as if she finds their sentimentality obnoxious and Varys stares at CIA to try and wind him up from mentioning Cat as he says "in the Stark's absence, that Roose Bolton holds Harrenhall" that burnt out castle that The Mountain abandoned, which maybe was the place CIA wanted to own? I forgot, or was that the crazy sisters castle, either way he looks successfully rustled by Varys, maybe Varys is implying CIA had something to do with The Mountain abandoning it or something, but Tywin is fine with this following a logic I can't quite keep up with because I'm too much of an ADHD riddled honorary zoomer for this show but I guess CIA used to own that castle and that's why Varys was taunting him about it being taken but as long as CIA still technically has the title of Lord of Harrenhall then Tywin plans to marry him with Lady Arryn, Cat's crazy sister, and CIA seems to love this idea as a new angle to get close to Cat in his epic virgin quest to breach the friendzone(note how Pycelle is the least influential person at the table since he throws away his masculine energy bedding THOTs and doesn't maintain his MTGOW vows, same with Tyrion getting bullied relentlessly by his father and sister while Jaime, the incestcel, has their favor), and he starts sucking up to Tywin about how grateful that makes him and they'd be a good match since they've known each other since they were children and Varys looks with literal tongue in cheek to Pycelle as if this is quite the cheeky move for CIA to be employing when everyone knows he's really only got eyes for her sister and Pycelle reads his notes and says if there's a successful courtship that would make Lord Baelish acting Lord of the Vale, getting him that castle Tyrion tempted him with, and Tywin orders CIA to go bring Arryn into the fold so that "the young wolf can add his own aunt to the list of people who have taken up arms against him" and Tyrion sees Varys conspiring look and starts memeing away "far be it from me to hinder true love" and points out that CIA, their coin master, being absent may cause problems because the upcoming royal wedding might be the most expensive event in living memory, uh oh, is this the... Red Wedding I've seen many a meme about? I don't really know what wedding or who attends or does what all I remember is seeing a gif of a pregnant woman being stabbed in the belly lmao, and CIA turns and glares at Tyrion for getting in the way of his plans as Varys nods in approval of a fairly good ploy from Tyrion to fuck over CIA and Cersei just looks at him super annoyed like these fucking dumb men cant stop their pissing contests and Tywin looks at him pitifully like he can see his scheming a mile away and just says "I completely agree, which is why I'm appointing you the new Master of Coin" and Cersei chuckles at the absurdity and CIA gives Tywin a look like he ain't too please about that but won't say shit of course and Tyrion probably doesn't want the responsibility putting more scrutiny on his affairs and says "I'm quite good at spending money but a lifetime of outrageous wealth has not taught me much about managing it" *ahem* Drumpf *ahem* and as soon as Cersei sees hes not happy with this starts winding him up saying he'll be great at it and Pycelle, still mad at Tyrion for fucking him over, hammers the table and says "here here" while giving him a cheeky look as Cersei sits there smugly, damn I love Cersei's character so much because she's one of the extremely extremely rare female villains who has the depth that's usually only allotted to evil male characters, I love all these characters even the relatively underwritten Pycelle
then we see the Bolton men singing a surprisingly unedgy song as they ride through the woods and at the back is a horse with a disarmed and disarmored Brie tied back to back with Jaime who is still squabbling with her about how if he wasn't in chains they could have escaped these people and she starts fully arguing back for the first time, not having to act professional anymore as they're both captives now, telling him how slow and predicable he was, and Jaime excuses it by saying he's been held captive for the past YEAR, I thought he was just being hyperbolic about having to wear the same shoes for a year but its hard to judge the passing time in this show since of the, you know, year long seasons, and Brie rubs it in "I'm a woman, I was still beating you" and says people were just over-praising a famous name which hits Jaime hard since as his father points out he wants to be seen as the best at everything too much so he says angrily "when we make camp tonight you'll be raped, more than once" which shows how butthurt he is from her comment that he'd be so spiteful and he tells her "it would be wise not to resist" and Brie grumbles "would I?" and Jaime warns "they'll knock your teeth out" and Brie says "you think I care about my teeth?" and Jaime tries to seem sincere in the fucked up give and take abusive relationship way he talks to people and says "if you fight them they will kill you, do you understand? I'm the prisoner of value, just let them do what they want, it doesn't matter, close your eye and pretend they're Renly" and Brie can't believe what he's saying and asks "so if you were a woman, you wouldn't resist? you'd let them do what they want?" and Jaime sneers "if I was a woman I'd make them kill me, but I'm not, thank the gods" and Brie sits there glumly, an interesting convo since they're both on two opposite ends of the spectrum with Brie probably being so concerned with her honor and bravery that it's better to die fighting than be violated like that and is not battle hardened enough yet to figure that you need to be ready for a lot worse than rape to happen to you if you pick up a sword against someone else and meanwhile Jaime is so hardened he doesn't give a fuck about anyone else and seems to mean by his last comment that he can't empathise with women to such an extent that he'd rather die than be one irregardless of being raped or not (I mean I can kind of see where he's coming from being a woman seems like an obnoxious experience in the modern day never mind in this setting lis) when the healthy point of view is probably in the middle of doing whatever you need to to survive, but as I seem to recall we see with Theon later that getting raped isn't something only women need to worry about
then we see that Arya for some reason is still hanging around with the Brotherhood leader guy as Gentry makes him some new armor but he tells her they're free to go whenever they want it's just not safe and then she sees The Hound being walked around by three guys as he talks shit to the archer guy about how he's got a cowards weapon but he just does ye olde gay joke at him that he likes to get close to men to kiss them lul and then Arya tries to talk shit to The Hound about the last time he was there (killing her fat ginger friend) but he doesn't even remember being there before as they bag him and put him in the back of ye olde paddy wagon doing ye olde banging his head on the door abusive cop meme and takes him away and then the fat kid comes out and tells his friends that he's staying at this Inn place to work as a baker as the Brotherhood have no interest in him like the two of them and has made Arya a giant wolf cookie... or at least that's what it's meant to look like lmao, and they both smile at this poor dumb boy glad that he'll be safe there and say goodbye as they leave with the pulling out Brotherhood, but just as the fat kid is leaving Arya yells back "hey Hot Pie! it's really good!" and smiles back at him as she eat his cookie and he gets a big grin that fades as he realizes she won't be as safe as him, that was very sweet and the show needs more nice little moments like that so all the grimness doesn't get old, inb4 this kid gets horrifically tortured by someone hunting for Arya and/or Gentry
then we see Cat and the aimbot guy, who's her uncle chatting in the mansion and he says "it comforts me to know that even in war's darkest days, in most of the world, absolutely nothing is happening" which is true like people see things like mass shootings and think "oh no how evil humanity is and how the world is such suffering!" but in reality like 99.9999% of people will never see another person murdered in their entire boring lives, and they chat about her father, who I guess is who's funeral it was, who apparently was feuding with her uncle all their lives, and Cat breaks down crying realizing she'll never see her father again like how her sons will probably never see her again, but her uncle tells her she needs to be strong in case they are alive, and she instantly steels herself, she's not that interesting but I like Cat's function in the story as a loving mother who'll do anything for her children which is it's own sort of heroism as opposed to he husbands who was willing to endanger his children if it meant serving the greater good and is a good juxtaposition to all the shit parents in the series and modern fiction in general where everything has to be as dramatic as possible and no one's allowed to be a good parent since all the miserable millennials writing shows now hate their own lmao
then we see Robb's nurse wife who seems half-indian or something now that I actually care to notice is bandaging up a young boys injured hand who's asking if it's true Robb turns into a wolf at night and eats his enemies and she smirks to his older brother and confirms it and it turns out these lads are the Lannister boys and assures them Robb doesn't eat children
then back over The Wall we see the Wildling crew stumbling upon something which makes Mance grumble "always the artists" and we zoom out to see THE WHITE WALKERS HAVE DISMEMBERED DOZENS OF HORSES AND ARRANGED THEIR BODY PARTS IN A SPIRAL PATTERN, GODFATHER PART II EAT YOUR (HORSE) HEART OUTEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 37 which is interesting that they're sapient enough to have some sort of gore-based culture or to try to use psychological warfare against their enemies, and Jon is relieved to see it's only horses, no men, but Mance just finds that concerning, and the redhead thot asks about the dead crows and the Warg swears he saw some, and Mance asks Jon how many there were and he spills the intel that there were 300 and he's like "we're all the same to them... meat for their army" ah so they need to eat, or at least can, and Jon's worried about his friends and asks if he thinks any got a way and he says "it's not impossible" and says something about how the Commanders best men are dead and he might be a blue eyed corpse himself, maybe implying they somehow convert their most dangerous enemies, and he orders the ginger guy to... climb the Wall! and he tells him to take Roell and 20 good men and Jon and if he's not useful to throw him off and the ginger guy gets hyped that they're finally going to war and Mance tells him to hide near Castle Black and hit them at night on his signal and points out that "they've got a big wall to hide behind, but guards only looking one way" so I guess he'll sneak over, camp on the other side and then attack them from the back of it rather than the front, clever, although if he can sneak over they could probably just attack it from within for even better element of surprise but ok and apparently the signal is going to be "the biggest fire the north has ever seen" which I guess might be a pile of White Walker bodies or some shit
then we see the Commander, Sam and the other survivors arriving back at the daughter-fucker guys cabin and the direwolf doesn't want to go near it for some reason and when the patriarch guy comes out he taunts "what have we here? frozen crows?" and the Commander asks to talk inside and the patriarchy glares at them but he notices some of the men holding their sword handles and can tell they've been through it and are done playing nice with him so he lets them in and then Sam hears one of his daughters giving birth to his latest greatgrandson-grandson-son or whatever iteration he's on now as the other men eye up the other girls and the patriarch warns them to keep their eyes to themselves and says he should be kissing their feet or letting them in and brags about how only people who are right with the REAL gods like him when the Whites come, and then he tells one of his girls "go tell her she can bite down on a rag or my fist" as the childbirth screams are annoying him and he's like "ugh, women!" and says his pig just gave birth to six piglets with barely a grunt, yeah think human heads are relatively bigger but ok duuuuuude, and he starts taunting Sam as fatter than his pig and tells his men they should have cannibalised him and Sam looks at the other men as if they know deep down he would be the first one getting eaten if they had to so he storms out upset as the shitlord laughs away, absolutely fucking bullied, although I guess one good thing being obese in this setting is for is he at least has natural insulation for the cold so its not all bad then Sam goes to see who's giving birth and I think it's Gilly who starts desperately asking to know what the baby is when it comes out, and this surprisingly clean and large newborn baby... WE'RE SHOWN IT'S LITTLE BABY PENIS ON SCREEN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK STOP SHOWING ME CHILD PORN!!!! and Sam rushes off not being able to bear what he knows that means (getting fed to the White Walkers (well at least he wont get circumcised (ultra lis that if this was filmed in America they'd have to specify for a baby to play a medieval newborn baby that cant be mutilated for the scene since modern day Americans are literally more barbaric than Westeros lisssssssss)))
and then we see, uh oh, Theon still strapped to the torture cross, when the """"spy"""" comes to take his hood off and unbind him at night, and we see Theon's rather unconvincing black fucked up foot that I think would be in worse shape than that and he'd probably never be able to walk again and the young man drags him off the cross as Theon stumbles around on the floor and struggles to get dressed swearing that he can ride he wants out so bad and somehow the young man gets him on top of a horse outside and tells him to ride north to his sister and Theon promises to make him a lord of the Iron Islands for this but the man just says "we're not in the Iron Islands" maybe letting slip that that's not much of an upgrade for him hmm and then sends Theon riding off on a white horse as he desperately tells it "come on come on come on come on!"
then at the shores by Stannis castle The Red Lady is leaving for some reason and she reuses to tell him where claiming the fires haven't told her yet but he can smell bullshit and accuses her of abandoning him at his lowest point and growls at her "I want King Joffrey dead, I want Robb Stark dead" as he grimaces as if losing all those men still haunts him and tells her "make me another son" yeah exactly, just spam OP smoke monsters at all his enemies, but she says "you don't have the strength, it would kill you" and he insists she's wrong and that he wants her and pulls her close and starts breathing in her ear but she doesn't respond at all... or maybe the problem is he doesn't respond, since she looks at him with pity and says "your fires burn low my king" lmao @ Stannis needing Viagra being a vital part of the plot but the Red Lady says there's another ways for her magic to work, and Stannis insists if she needs king's blood then the's the one true king, but she says there's other kings, what does that mean, she's gonna go fuck Joffrey or Robb or something to make another smoke monster? damn this is a dumb storyline
them in not the middle east we pan over a bunch of men who have been whipped raw and chained up on crosses as the Kingsguard guy who's name I already forgot explains to Dany that "The Walk of Punishment™ is a warning, Your Grace" much to her disgust, yeah I'm thinking it's for a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 38 on that one since we later find out most of these guys are up there for just like lying and Dany does the dumb meme from No Country For Old Men where she goes to give one of the punished slaves water even though Jorah says he's been sentenced to death, which is dumb since it's just prolonging his suffering if you're not going to actually free him, and even a man dying from crucifixion has more sense than her and refuses to take the water wanting to die sooner, and the Kingsguard guy implores Dany to just leave this shit hole already and find mercenaries somewhere else since I assume Ser Barriston his name is can tell what a security risk this place is to her since that's been his job for years and Jorah gets jealous at this guy saying what "we" should do but he just looks at him like he's such an insecure cuck thinking he's going to steal his girl that isn't even his and Dany says some dumb shit about how she'll win the throne with the blood of her enemies, not innocents (who do you think their soldiers are you dumb thot?)
and Jorah asks Barriston, who I'll call Barry so I can remember it, if he's ever fought in a war where innocents didn't die by the thousands and he just nods his head not even wanting to say anything and Jorah says he was in Kings Landing when it was sacked by I presume the old at King Rob's forces and says he saw butchery of babies, women, old men and "more women raped than you can count", nice, as "there's a beast in every man, and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand" which is probably true but probably has more to do with humans being adaptable animals if anything else and behaving however their previous and current environment conditions them to and Jorah says "but the Unsillied are not men, they do not rape, they do not put cities to the sword unless they are ordered, if you buy them, the only men they'll kill are those you want dead" as if she should buy this slave army for their lack of aimless war crimes but Barry says "when your brother led his army into battle at the Trident men died or him because they believed in him, because they loved him, not because they got bought at auction" lol what fucking morons would believe in her useless fop brother? they deserved to die, and this guy does the "I fought beside the last dragon that day" meme so maybe she had another brother or something I cant believe a guy like this would respect a loser like her brother we've already met but aaaah yes it was another brother since Dany says she never met him and Barry calls him the finest man he ever met, if only their other sibling took after him, so maybe those two are the Taegaryan children everyone thinks got murdered during the coup or something, then they go to this building with a huge gold statue of some weird half-woman half-bird goddess on top of it, probably reading too much into this since it seems like Dany's storyline is produced by a B team of far more retarded talent but perhaps they strap people to a cross so they have their arms out like her spread wings or something as a semi-religious sacrafice
and inside she's speaking to the King guy as Dany says she wants to buy literally all tof them but the shitlord King says "she cant afford them, this SLUT thinks she can flash her tits and make us give her whatever she wants" which the slavegirl translates it to the more polite "there are 8000 Unsullied in Astapor, is this what you mean by all?" and Dany adds all the ones still in training but one of the kings men says selling half-trained boys will look bad for them and Dany says some edgy Stalingrad shit where she needs the boys to pick up the men's swords after they've fallen but the King says her ship will only buy her 100 "and this because I like the curve of her ass" which the slavegirl looks disgusted by and translates to "because my master is generous" lissss and the gold is only worth 10 but he'll give it to her 20 if she stops her whining and she starts having trouble translating his sexist and racist ramblings that he should really post on /pol/ instead as he rants about how the Dothraki smell like shit but may be useful as pig feed and are worth 3 Unsullied and Dany rolls her eyes as she can tell he's really saying something obnoxious and looks up at all the slave children looking down at them from atop the walls ignoring the slavegirl asking how she'll pay for the remaining 7877 Unsullied and Dany offers to trade... ONE OF HER DRAGONS! much to the Kings surprise, as if he speaks a little English at least, and Barry reasons that they need those to win, not slaves, and Jorah begs her to reconsider but she just stares at him wordlessly and this pathetic cuck bows his head, and the King tries to bargain for three, and then two dragons, but she insists only one, so he settles on the biggest one, and she agrees to the terms, and then she ads the half-black slavegirl to her list of demands and glares at the King like she's in charge here, and the King grins as he only cares about getting that dragon (inb4 this is all a meme to get him physically close to her dragons so she can have them kill him and then of course ownership of the city will default to her as is the law of the Mary Sue) and outside Jorah is trying to reason with her that her ancestor proved dragons are more powerful than any army and Dany threatens "you're both here to advise me but if you ever question me in front o strangers again you'll be advising someone else" as if she cant go full edge on the two men she needs the most but they both hold their tongues and she talks to this slavegirl who's name is Missandei, yeah I'm calling you Miss, sorry miss, who claims she has no family to go to if she were to be released and Dany shares her disgust of the dying slave wanting to die and asks if it's true about the Unsullied and she assures her they really are that obedient and she asks what about her, is she willing to die if she takes her to war, and the slavegirl says Valar Morghulis which was the title of the season 2 finale and I think we heard it before but I cant remember despite watching all this shit within like 2 months and Dany translates as "yes, all men must die... but we are not men!"and the slavegirl smiles that she's got a woke feminist... slavemaster now... very nice and epic le empowering wordplay meme stolen from Lord of the Rings there you fucking cringy hacks whoever's writing Danys dumb storyline
then we cut to Podric awkwardly taking the royal ledgers from Ros smiling awkwardly as she catches him looking at her tits and CIA is telling Tyrion that his brothel is the safest place in the city but he just quips "not for bastards" and CIA looks rustled that he's right and armed men can storm in there and do whatever they want whenever they want and he's too beta to stop them and Tyrion has to ask Pod twice to take the books outside he's so distracted by Ros, and CIA tells him he should have Pod knighted for saving his life but then starts "thanking" him for having Ros released from Cersei to inquire why she thought they had a special relationship, and Tyrion tries to play it off that they just fucked, and CIA just says menacingly "I know" as if he knows what every whore in the country does and Tyrion just tells him to go ask Cersei and CIA grins knowing he wouldn't dare and then cheekily advises Tyrion to "keep a low profile" but Tyrion just points out how many times he's heard that easy manlet joke and CIA says more seriously that money is just numbers on a page and it's easy to make them behave, e.g. it's up to him to keep track of it all so he can just fiddle the numbers, and if he wants a real challenge try... whores lmao, and he looks out the door and listens to his gossiping girls as he sends Tyrion out who catches Bronn flirting with his girl who starts mocking him for caring so much about books that "Lord Twatbeard" lmaooooooooo has probably fiddled to fuck and back and Tyrion tells Pod that after discussing it with Bronn he's decided on his reward for his good service and asks.... "have you ever been with a woman?" and opens the door to a bedroom and Pod admits he's a virgin Tyrion says "good, Genna specialises in first-timers" (but its spelt with a G not a J so its a crazy fantasy name yeah ok GRRM)no don't do it! only the most redpilled incels can become powerful in this world! but the cag he's bought for him parts some curtains on the bed and Tyrion reveals yet another cag as "quite the spear handler herself" and then reveals a third cag who's one of only four women in the world who can perform a [made-up word] knot that I've heard GRRM use as a metaphor for having to untangle all the characters and where they need to be in certain storylines and the young lad stares in wonder as this cag does some like reverse splits or whatever so shes walking on her hands towards him with her pussy pointing at him and Tyrion thanks him for never failing to address him as My Lord, puts his purse down and leaves with Bronn who calls over "pace yourself me lad!" knowing he'll probably be done in a few seconds, ok great stuff that I'm sure is very racy to Americans and other third world theocracies
then we see Tyrion going through CIAs books finding what Ned found on his first day that he's been borrowing money all this time from his father and Bronn assumes he'll forgive it since it's his grandsons ass on the throne but Tyrion laughs at the idea of his father forgiving a debt, yeah haven't you heard their family's favorite meme? but I assume Tywin doesn't actually care that much about the money as he has enough for his machinations and would actually like it not paid back so he just has leverage over Kingslanding no matter who's on the throne and Bronn, annoying Tyrion by walking around picking up and fiddling with everything, says he's never borrowed money before, and Tyrion tries to explain interest, but the ever belligerent Bronn just keeps saying "what if I don't pay it back" which to be honest applies to a lot of things in real life since there's very vague laws around debts in most countries and you can literally just run up credit card debt in some places and no one can do shit about it if you just keep your money as cash but Tyrion says he's more concerned about (((Iron Bank of Braavos))) who's the second biggest entity they're in debt to, who if you don't pay them back on time they'll fund your enemies so they get their gold back one way or another, and Bronn just raises his eyebrows like ah yes of course it leads to violence realizing it is in his wheelhouse afterall and then Pod comes back and the older men joke about the spring in his step but Pod... hands back Tyrion his purse! and Tyrion memes about how it's more than he gives him in a year, and Bronn points out he's a squire and he doesn't get anything a year, I guess squires are ye olde unpaid interns lmao but Pod says they wouldn't take it, and Bronn says maybe they're trying to curry favor with the new Master of Coin, but Tyrion knows a cag never turns down gold, and they start grilling Pod on what he did, but he says he did lots of things they seemed to like, ah I thought maybe he was the one that turned them down because he wasn't comfortable losing his virginity to some cags or paying for sex at all or something but it seems... THEY TURNED DOWN PODS MONEY BECAUSE HE WAS SO GOOD IN BED THEY ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT!!! and Bronn and Tyrion look at each other in disbelief that this has happened at all when in all their own whoring times they've never had that happen to them but this fucking virgin gets it his first time, and they immediately sit him down and pour him some wine as they demand all the details, and the teenager just sits there bewildereed, I'm sure this is just another one of GRRMs pathetic wank fantasies but the reasonable explination is they were just being nice to him as ensuring a great first time is a great way to ensure a long time returning customer, just good business innit, but I like that Podsric is somehow the most successful character in the whole show who did the best out of anyone on his first battle and now managed to satisfy three prositutes at once lmao, hopefully he manages to take the iron throne on his first try too
then panning across some lovely Scottish looking highland hills we find Theon looking lost as fuck on his horse when suddenly AN ARROW COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WHIZZING PAST HIS HEAD and dumb as a sack of bricks Theon just sits there looking around confused until he spots SOLDIERS ON HORSEBACK RACING AT HIM and he fucking sits there for a few more seconds like a dumbass
before finally racing off trying to get his horse as fast as it can go over a little wall into the woods to try and lose them but the soldiers horses are going way faster and they start firing arrows at him from horse back ITS YE OLDE CAR CHASE SEQUENCE and Theon ducks under some tree branches and tries to take some evasive maneuvers but that was a big mistake because it lets a dude who got in front of him to charges straight at him and whack him off with a ball on a chain weapon thing sending him flying into the ground with a thud and we get the ears ringing meme as he gasps in agony for air
as the soldiers all dismount and casually walk up to him and I think it's the torturer and his lads who kick him in the back and tell him "you know how we deal with runaways here do ya?" as his men pin him down as the leader starts undoing his fly and says "take off his pants" as his men laugh as they take down Theon's trousers exposing his arse oh fuck THEY'RE GOING TO RAPE HIS BOY PUSSY!!! and Theon starts doing the "oh no no no no no no!" meme as he begs for mercy as the guy declares "I'm gonna fuck you into the dirt!" I'll let them away with the edgy rating since they don't manage to do it and honestly it's used well in the story where you figure this is the absolute rock bottom of how bad it can get for Theon so it's a shock when it somehow gets even worse
and he turns around and looks off into the misty forest confused as to where it came from when suddenly ANOTHER ARROW COMES FLYING INTO HIS CHEST, DROPPING HIM, AND THEN MORE ARROWS FLY OUT INTO THE OTHER MEN DROPPING THEM ALL TOO and Theon scrambles to pull up his pants to sit up and see a man dismounting from a horse and walking up to the lead raper who's sitting on his knees bleeding out and ITS THE YOUNG SPY MAN WHO FREED HIM
and he casually draws an arrow as the rapist growls "you little bastard" as the spy puts an arrow through his skull at point-blank range and Theon being the little bitch he is cowers from him scared by his completely blank affect but the boy just offers him his hand and says "come, my lord" already very suspicious that he didn't just go with him if he was going to follow him for his protection but Theon takes his hand as the boy says "you're a long way from home... and Winter is Coming™" ah he said the meme he must be a good guy after all, now not to start talking shit already and I know this sort of makes sense on a character level since he's trying to basically terrify Theon that even if he escapes he can be tracked down, that there are no lengths he wont go to to epic ruse someone so he can't trust anyone or even if anything he does himself is not what the edgey boi still has control over and of course the classic trope of "I'll kill even my own henchmen so you better watch it" and it seems like he's only doing all this for fun so it doesn't break the character's motivation for what I'm about to say but yeah this is quite the epic contrivance for the sake of the twist that's coming like this kid must have rolled a nat 20 to pull this off since it relied on Theon not actually evading the men, Theon not comming across someone who can help him, the exhausted Theon not falling off his fucking horse and dying, the men not killing him with those arrows they're firing at him, the men not killing him once they caught him because he faught back too much or something and of course edgy boi finding them in time to conviniently make it look like he has the best heroic entrance and that he manages to light all those guys up with arrows and they don't manage to return fire and no one actually hits Theon or anything or as the rapist is dying he doesn't say anything more descriptive than "you little bastard" and give the meme away all for le ebin tweeeeeest
then with Brie and Jaime it's night time at a makeshift camp in the woods and the leader goes up to a tied up Brie on a tree and says "right, I'll take the big bitch first, then once she's nice and wet you can have a go" and Jaime looks over at least seeming like he's concerned now it's happening in front of him and Brie tries to reason with him saying "my Lord, I am Brienne of Tarth, Lady Stark commanded me to deliver Ser Jaime to King's Landing" but the leader just says "Catelyn Stark's a treasonous cunt, orders were to take the Kingslayer alive, nobody said shit about you" as they pull this woman, who's a good half a foot taller than all these little shits, to her feet and Brie starts struggling trying to shove the men away who fight to keep ahold of her and the leader just slaps her across the face and says "you're only making it worse" but BRIE HEADBUTTS HIM and all his men pile on her punching her in the ribs and getting her down on the ground, and Jaime looks down like he's trying to think of a way to help her as the leader orders them to take her into the dark for privacy, which is an awfully weird dynamic, wanting privacy while you literally openly rape someone, but I'm sure shit like that happens in real gangrapes since in reality it's uhhh really obviously awkward and pathetic and rapists regularly can't get hard lmao, and they keep beating Brie as they drag her away into the night who starts screaming in horror and Jaime closes his eyes like he knows he shouldn't say shit but he can still hear Brie screaming and can't help himself but say to one of the men "you know who she is don't you?" and the man just says "some big dumb bitch from who knows where? never been with a woman that big" and Jaime turns on the smarmy charm and says "her father is Lord Selwyn of Tarth, heard of Tarth?" and he starts telling him probably a bunch of bullshit about how every sapphire in Westeros is mined there and the man just glares at him and Jaime's like "sapphires are... gem stones? the blue ones?" as if he thinks he's too dumb to know and the man growls "I know what they are" and Jaime says her father would pay to have her returned with her "honor unbesmirched" and the man stares at him and... it seems to work as the man calls to his men to "bring her back here" and Jaime looks... almost confused, not sure why he risked himself to save the woman who was holding him captive only a few hours ago, and the man comes back and says "unbesmirched?" and Jaime smiles that he's manipulated this dumbass and tells him it means "not defiled" and the man says "fancy word for a fancy man" and Jaime shares "I hated to read as a child, but my father forced me to study the books every morning before I could practice with sword or horse, hold up for hours in the maesters chambers, I learned a lot of fancy words" and the men bring back the dishevelled Brie who they don't seem to have even gotten the clothes off she was struggling so much, and the man just bends down and says "your father, he pay your weight in gold to have you back?" and Jaime hides a smirk as this guy makes it obvious what his weakness is and says "you'll be a rich man till the end of your days, and your sons will be rich men, and their sons after them" and after she's calmed down Brie looks over in surprised as she realizes Jaime just talked them into leaving her alone as he whispers in his velvety seductive voice "lands, titles, they'll all be yours, the north can't win this war, you're a smart man, we have the numbers, we have the gold" I like how it's not just the Lannisters who do war crimes but the Starks and their allies have men who go about raping and killing civvies too, extremely realism and actually keeping with the "not your daddy's LOTR!" aesthetic that is promised
and the man admits "aye, you have both" and Jaime jokes with him "fighting bravely for a losing cause is admirable, but fighting for a winning cause is far more rewarding" and the man admits "hard to argue with that" and Jaime pushes his luck thinking he's hot shit and says "now that we're talking man to man, I wonder if you need to keep me chained to this tree? I'm not asking to be freed from my constraints, but if I could sleep lying down my back would thank you for it" and Brie watches in amazement at how Jaime has this guy tending to his every whim already and the man smiles and orders his men to untie him from the tree as he asks if he's hungry, and Jaime says "famished actually" in his cocky posh drawl and Brie looks on starting to be a bit concerned that this is far too good to be true even with someone as charismatic as Jaime and they bring him a spare partridge... and a carving knife... as they bring Jaime over to their camp, and the guy who I guess is actually their leader calmly asks "will this do as a table my lord?" and as soon as the penny starts to drop for Jaime HIS LEGS ARE KICKED OUT FROM UNDER HIM and the leader has him pressed down against the tree stump and grabs him by the hair and takes out his huge bowie knife and says "you think you're the smartest man there is... that everyone alive has to bow and scrape and lick your boots" and Jaime says "my father-" but the man cuts him off "and if you ever get into any trouble all you've got to do is say "my father" and that's it, all your troubles are gone" like this guy fucking hates having to be subservient to spoiled cunts like him and he starts gently poking Jaime in his clenched eye with his knife asking "got something to say? you don't want to say the wrong thing" knowing Jaime's not got anything left to bargain with than his family and he tells him "you're nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain't here... never forget that" and takes the knife away and Jaime sighs in relief as the man stands up but then he says "here, this should help you remember" and CUTS JAIMES RIGHT HAND OFF IN ONE SWING AND JAIME IS LIKE AH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 39 welp time to learn how to wank to your sister with your left hand m8
ok I think I saw this scene somewhere before years ago like on tv or something but it's still well done in how it just comes out of nowhere and then Jaime only gets to react for a few seconds before it cuts to black and we keep hearing his screeching in horror, usually "oh it is so le surprising" shit is a bit shallow but I liked the build up where you assume that it's Brie who's going to be the one being abused but it's actually Jaime who gets it worse and I like scenes like this where someone who usually has a silver tongue is failed by it and can't talk their way out of someone just being a savage nigger one of the most powerful scenes in LOST (that was spoiled for me by literal gay pedo BJE32 on IRC years ago fuck you) was when Ben tries to talk Keamy into letting his daughter go thinking manipulating this dumbass would be easy peasy and he just blows her fucking brains out in front of him when he refuses to co-operate and it also feeds into a theme I'm seeing appear here where the characters have their most important thing taken from them, Jaime took immense pride in his sword fighting ability and there goes his sword hand, Bran loved climbing around and wanted to be a warrior and is now paralyzed from the waist down and Theon, well, a certain something happens to something Theon's very proud of later on, which I guess is a kind of hard reboot way of bringing about character development which might be a bit convenient but might as well do it in a show where constant edgy awful things happen to the characters and it's probably better to do this with Jaime having his hand hacked off, which doesn't happen to very many people unless you're in an African liveleak video, rather than Brie getting raped for character development which is like the creepy old writers go to gag but still keeping with the "fictional world, real world consequences" theme since just like Brie not merking the farmer Jaime could have just kept his mouth shut and not try to save Brie but now he's disabled for the rest of his life because he risked irking the men holding them captive and unlike most retarded shows that have similar scenes to this, like in Gotham when a woman has to choose between cutting off her hand or killing her lover and she chooses her hand she just gets it reatached by the next episode and it's perfectly fine or The Walking Dead where Rick never loses his hand like in the comics, Jaime's going to be presumably disabled for the rest of his life because of he chose the wrong dialog options with some random NPCs which would never happen in any other show only important big named characters are allowed to maim each other
Game of Thrones 3x04: "And Now His Watch Is Ended" Ramsay's epicest prank yet special edition
First aired: April 21, 2013
first thing we see this episode is his captors are forcing Jaime to wear his severed hand as a necklace around his neck yeah that's uh that's gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 40
and we also see it looks like they put his stump in the fire to cauterise it and as Brie looks over concerned for the despondent Jaime the edgemasters say "how many of those fingers do you think we could fit up his arse?" and one says "depends how much practice he's had, that the sort of thing you and your sister go in for?" >tfw Cersei will never finger your boypussy oh yeah I forgot that that was a common rumor now thanks to Stannis email spam campaign, but Jaime doesn't say anything since he's probably too fucked up from blood and going into his second kind of shock and Brie, who seems fine, even though realistically they would have still raped her if they were only leaving her be to fuck with Jaime in a rather elaborate way one would only do if they were in a TV show that needed to be suspenseful and shocking, tries to get them to stop him falling off his horse but he topples over into the mud, not very hygienic, good job keeping the most valuable hostage in the continent alive, and the dishevelled and exhausted Jaime starts begging for water which a fat guy pours over his head as everyone laughs at him and Jaime still has the where-withall to pant out "if I die you wont get-" but the leader acts like its obvious they're just fucking with him and gives him a can to drink from but it's... "CANT SAY IVE EVER SEEN A MAN DRINK HORSE PISS THAT FAST"EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 41 why would they even have a can of horse piss wtf and Jaime vomits it up once he realizes what it is
and Brie looks at him with mad respect but sadly since she knows he can't make it as he manages to deflect one jab at him but another just kicks him in the back as he's too disorientated and weakened to stay on his feet and he instinctively tries to pick his sword back up but... his right arm just ends in a stump, and Brie yells at them and jumps off her horse and kicks one of them away but they put their swords to her as Jaime grabs the sword and stands back up only for them to beat him back down and the leader guy starts kicking the shit out of him in the mud and tells him "do that again and I'll take your other hand" and Jaime lays there staring at the sky with his severed hand necklace right next to his face in the horrible realization that he can't physically defend himself anymore
then in King's Landing we see Tyrion meeting with Varys who's suspiciously prying open some crate with a suspiciously modern looking crowbar and asks him, trying to seem vulnerable, for proof of his sister trying to merc him during the siege, and Varys just chuckles that he never has proof, only whispers and then he suddenly starts telling the story of "how he was cut" like he mentioned before the battle to an uncomfortable Tyrion about how he was in a group of travelling actors and he very dramatically, like someone raised by actors might, says a man bought him as a small boy from his masters, and he feared he was going to fuck him, yet it was far worse "he gave me a potion so that I could not move or speak yet did nothing to dull my senses, with a hooked blade he sliced me, root and stem, chanting all the while, he burned my parts in a brazier, the flames turned blue and I heard a voice answer his call" ah so it was (allegedly) some sort of magic ritual, very dumb and stupid and it should have just been the real reason they used to do shit like this because he was born a slave and/or for child prostitution and Tyrion looks at him disturbed but still on-guard as he never trusts anything this man says and Varys adds "I still dream of that night..... not of the sorcerer, not of his blade... I dream of the voice from the flames... was it a god? a demon? a conjurers trick? I don't know... but the sorcerer called and the voice answered, and ever since that day, I have hated magic and all those who practice it" yeah me too mate, dumb and stupid character element even though he's probably lying since magic is real in this world so isn't just a dumb superstition he found was so harmful but is just another tool humans can use to manipulate reality and someone as concerned as him with power and probably his own personal safety would just learn to use it for his own benefit so hating magic would be as dumb as someone saying they got shot so they hate guns, oh wait people do say that nvm, and Varys claims that that's why he was so motivated to fight Stannis and his red priestess "a symbolic revenge of sorts" and Tyrion can tell he's fucking him about in some manner and snaps "I go for ACTUAL revenge, against the ACTUAL person who tried to have me killed" but Varys cuts him off and finishes his sentence for him regarding him not having the influence for such a scheme and tells him it's rather a matter of patience as he learned when the sorcerer threw him out his house to die but he resolved to live to spite him "I begged, I sold what parts of my body remained to me, I became an excellent thief, and soon learned that the content of a man's letters are more valuable than the contents of his purse" he is literally ye olde NSA intercepting people's private messages lmao "and step by step, one distasteful task after another, I made my way from the slums of Myr to the Small Council chamber" and he looks down edgily into the mirror that's shitty quality obscures most of his face with his eyes seering out as if it were those life choices, not what was forced on him, that has turned him into a monster
and he turns to his small friend and says "influence grows like a weed... I tended mine patiently, until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep all the way across to the far side of the world, where I managed to wrap them around something very special" and he finally pulls the lid off the box to reveal THE SORCERER and we see a decrepit dirty old man with a bag in his mouth and what looks like bloody shit in the corner as he's been trapped in there for weeks, nice twist since you expect in this shows pacing for Varys backstory to never come up again or in years time but there it is a few seconds later and Varys says placidly "hello my old friend, its been a long time" as Tyrion recoils in disgust at the smell and then looks around concerned as he knows this dudes gonna get fucked up, although knowing Varys he's probably going to do what I suggested, not harm him for simple revenge but force him to use his magic in his favor, and Varys tells him "I have no doubt the revenge you want will be yours in time... IF you have the stomach for it" and then slides the lid back on the old man
them back over The Wall the men are whining and greeting about shovelling pig shit for the patriarchs farm to earn their stay in the way I'm sure soldiers around the world and time can relate to and the bully guy starts whispering descent into his friends ears about how no ones going to protect them and when the White Walkers come they'll have to look out for themselves uh oh and then inside Gilly is frantically holding her baby as if she's scared it'll cry and remind her father/husband what to do with it but fat fucking retard Sam comes in and wakes him up and she reveals she hasn't even named the boy yet and I gives him back his thimble since she ain't fucking around anymore pretending to be his sweetheart or whatever "poor girl meets deployed foreigner" shenanigans many a young woman has angled at for a better life but now she just straight up asks him if he can save her baby and tells him she doesn't have any time for him and Sam scurries away to do something dumb
then we see Bran having another of his boring repetitive dreams where he's running after the three eyed crow and meets with his new friend in some Inception shit who tells him to go to the bird so he climbs up the tree with his old freerunning skills but as he goes to touch it his mother appears behind him and grabs him and screams at him to promise her no more climbing and as he struggles he falls off into the same camera angle Jaime threw him off in the first episode and he wakes up with a start next to the boy who was already awake and watching him so maybe he can enter other Wargs dreams while awake, guessing this is some LOST style shenanigans where competing supernatural forces are sending him mixed messages or some such
then we see Varys talking to Ros about the most important new intel... Podrick's performance lmao, and apparently he's no better equipped than the average man, yet "he was the most extraordinary man they've ever had, and they've had A LOT of men" and Varys jaw drops at this bizarre situation as Ros looks off admirably like she wishes she was there, lmao what the fuck is this storyline? is Podrick the actual Chosen One in this universe? inb4 the final episode is him cold clocking the White Walker final boss and telling the dumfounded world "idk I just smacked him one innit" and they crown him the king and Varys asked confused "we're talking about the same Podrick? the quiet boy in Lord Tyrion's service? seems a bit... simple?" and Ros nods happily that maybe not all men are shitheads after all and Varys wonders "what did he do to them?" as if he's sure there must be something suspicious going on here like Tyrion bribed them to say that for some reason but Ros says "I don't know my lord, the girls are usually quite descriptive... they said it was hard to describe" and Varys decides "prodigies appear in the oddest of places" and then asks of CIAs reaction but Ros says he didn't even notice due to his upcoming mission and Varys sneers at his rival getting a one-up and inquires about his relationship with Sansa in which Ros cockily hands over his ship's inventory and Varys gasps as if nothing brings him more pleasure than receiving fresh intel and he says "you can read? rare for a woman in your profession" and Ros insists "former profession" as if she now prides herself on being a spy rather than just another whore but Varys doesn't pick up on the detail yet, or at least pretends not to to make Ros feel more important than she really is, and she points out CIA is bringing TWO featherbeds onto his ship... hmmmmmm... shoulda made Sansa sleep in his bed lmao, and Varys plays dumb wondering who it could be for, and Ros says it's not for one of this girls since she knows first hand he's a true oneitis incel, and Varys quips "prodigies in odd places indeed" as he compliments Ros' adept profiling abilities
then we see Joffrey pointing into a grate with Marg and telling her "Rhaenyra Targaryen was murdered by her brother, or rather, his dragon, it ate her while her son watched! what's left of her is buried in the crypt right down there" and laughs gleefully at the idea of a mother being eaten in front of her son which soothes his own mommy issues as Marg smirks at his story but as soon as he leaves her face looks bored as if that's pussy shit compared to what she's usually entertained by, wow what a nice couple nice to see they're getting on, and then we see them joining his mother in the central place of worship for the 7 gods in the capital with these huge marble statues of each of them who is telling is telling her grandmother that it seats 700 comfortably, good information to know if I was autistically counting up body counts for something I know happens here later on
and the grandmother plays up to Cersei's elitism by saying they don't need any more room since the rest of the people will be there to look upon the 700 admiringly for having the best seats and Cersei looks over concerned as Joffrey keeps edgily pointing out who's ashes are in what urn to his new bride as if she hasn't clocked what an edgequeen she is yet and is scared her sons autistic behaviour will scare her off but he's quite enjoying himself telling her the story of one of the Targs who drank wildfire thinking it would turn him into a dragon "but he was wrong" much to Margs forced amusement and keeps going on about how the Mad King is over there and wants to show her where the last Targs are buried and Cersei tries to save the situation by asking "are you sure Lady Margaery doesn't find all this a bit macabre?" and Joffrey's face drops as he glares at his mother for embarrassing him in front of the first girl he actually likes but Marg instantly saves the situation by saying "no it's quite alright your grace, I'd love to see their tombs really" and tells Joffrey lovingly "it's like taking a walk through history!" to keep him calm and Cersei gets that condescending half suppressed smirk as if she's starting to see Marg is quite good at managing others and might be a good match for her son after all but then her face drops when she sees how happy Joffrey at how accommodating his new wife-to-be is is as if she fucking hates that the only way to have peace in this world is to give a man a subservient woman and the grandmother shrewdly takes note of all their reactions as Joffrey skips off happily with Marg, I'm sure something will go horribly wrong here since this is probably the best outcome for Joffrey, give him someone who's adept at placating him so he's always in a good mood and less likely to take his tantrums out on others, and the grandmother pries into Cersei's inner life by saying it must feel like only yesterday she was married in the same hall, but Cersei says "heh, seems like a lifetime ago" and when she tries to tell her her husbands death was a tragedy Cersei just gets a huge grin and says "a fairly predictable tragedy! hunting and drinking don't mix" so maybe she really did have Lancel spike his wine or something
and the grandmother starts winning her over with her shared disrespect for the men in their families saying "my son loves to hunt, helps him forget that he's never been within a mile of a real battle" and Cersei says he laid siege to Storm's End for a year but the grandmother says "all he laid siege to was the banquet table in the command tent" and Cersei laughs at her brave disrespect for her son as if she wishes she could be that blunt about Joffrey and she tells Cersei "we mothers do our best to keep our sons from the grave, but they do seem to yearn for it, we shower them with good sense, and it slides right off, like rain of a wing" and Cersei looks at her suspiciously as if she's trying to imply something about Joffrey but then gives in to relating to her and decries "and yet the world belongs to them" and her new friend scoffs "ugh, a ridiculous arrangement in my mind!" take note fucking morons writing Supergirl this is how you write feminist dialog, actually have two women talking about their place in the world like people do in real life, rather than contriving cringy strawmen and forced moments for le ebin quip, and the grandmother looks off as if she knows she's left Cersei with something to simmer on and Cersei seems to catch on this old lady's testing her so starts probing her with "the Gods have seen to make it so" but the grandmother just instantly snaps back to looking at her like she can instantly tell she's trying to fuck with her and test her faith or something and Cersei looks away a bit shook like she realized she let her expose her own scheming a bit too much there and then we see Joffrey telling Marg about how his "father" wanted the Targs remains thrown in the sea but the High Septon who we haven't met yet I don't think convinced him otherwise and Marg says she's glad he did, and Joffrey is shocked to hear her share her own opinion, and she says "I know they did terrible things, but sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness" and Joffrey thinks about it and snorts at the wondrous event of a woman only only sharing her own opinion but him agreeing with it, and he says "I couldn't agree more" probably trying to emulate his (double) grandfather and finally cracks a smile with his loneliness overcoming his inceldom but the happy moment only lasts about one second as there is the roar of... a crowd outside, and Marg suggests they go and see them for the good PR and Joffrey bricks it as he remembers what happened last time he was out in the open and she really talks him into it convincing him they've told her they adore him after he "lead" the defence of Kingslanding and after playing to his ego he orders his Kingsguard to open the door and Cersei bricks it as her fucking moron son walks outside to this huge crowd approaching the guards and they all scream their support for... Lady Margery... AND King Joffrey since I guess they love her so much they'll support Joffrey for marrying her and Joffrey looks shocked they don't hate him anymore and gives her a huge smile as he's finally getting the adoration he feels entitled to and he awkwardly waves to them as they cheer but Cersei frowns as she knows all this means is the Tyrelle's are the ones commanding public opinion now for Marg's charity work and her brother's army saving them and they can turn that crowd on them whenever they like
then we see Theon back on his horse with the um spy and he's doing the "are we there yet" meme but unironically to him and the young man claims that he works for his sister because he was an Iron Islander who saw Theon being taken away as a little boy and Theon says that his torturers said his father knew what they were doing to him, which would be pretty funny, and demands to know if that was true and the young man gets awkward and says they never told him, then we see them sneaking over a castle wall during a rainstorm and Theon says they don't need to sneak past his sisters men if they're guarding the castle but the boy warns that some of them are loyal to his father, not sure what the fuck is going on here I guess Theon thinks his family hold this castle or something and part of this contrived plan is he happened to not notice where he was leaving and has zero sense of direction and doesn't just figures his father might not respect him but would still let him walk back in the front door and the young man helps him sneak into a sewer system and ah yes Theon says this is the castle Yara was commanded to take and he tells the young man that his father only let him raid fishing villages because he thought he was a Stark and starts whining about his insecurities towards Robb and how he'd obviously never be a Stark but an Iron Borne, I guess that's his fucked up way of dealing with his resentments because he can see the Starks are far nicer people than his house but has too low self-esteem to consider himself one, and he unburdens all this on this young man as he picks at a lock on a gate and Theon confesses that "I paid the iron price for Winterfell... I murdered those boys" and the young man asks "the Stark boys?" but Theon spills the beans that it was the two farmboys and he let Dagmer, his first mate I guess, slit their throats and burn them, so he could keep Winterfell and make his father proud, and the young man tells him "maybe it's not too late" maybe not wanting him to give up hope just yet... but Theon cries and says "it is, my real father lost his head at King's Landing, I made a choice... and I chose wrong, and now I've burned everything down" and sits there miserable he's cursed to be a shithead Ironborne now very conveniently concluding this section of his character arc so you figure maybe he'll die soon or they can start redeeming him but the boy assures him "not everything, she's up here" and he takes him into the castle and into a pitch dark room and he asks "Yara?" but when the boy lights a torch THEY'RE BACK IN THE TORTURE CHAMBER AND THE YOUNG MAN SAYS "I-I BROUGHT HIM BACK, HE KILLED THE OTHERS"
AS THE YOUNG MAN GETS A CRAZY GRIN AS HE LOOKS AT THEON LIKE DUDE IT WAS JUST A PRANK THE TORTURE CHAMBERS RIGHT HERE BRO and then he tells them to "put him back where he belongs!" starting his brainwashing right away, right, epic, already explained how this makes no sense but I guess it's a good way to introduce this character on the terrifying lengths he'll go to for sadisms sake to both understand his character as intended and on a meta level where he seems to be quite the retarded writing magnet from what else I've read about him
then with the other edgy lads Brie is looking on concerned at how dreadful Jaime looks as they ride through the day and then at camp at night he's just sitting there exhausted and Brie tries to tell him to eat but he just murmurms "I'm dying", I guess intentionally starving himself but also probably fucked up from blood loss and infection and Brie tells him "you can't die, you need to live to take revenge" and Jaime just mumbles "I don't care about revenge" since despite all his privileges his whole life has been meaningless to him other than his fighting ability and a certain toxic relationship but Brie knows just how to get him going again and tells him "you coward, a little misfortune and you give up?" and Jaime says that "I lost my hand, I WAS that hand" and Brie sneers and says "you have one taste of the real world, where real people have important things taken from them, and you whine and cry and quit, you sound like a bloody woman" using his own sexism against him and her taunting works and give Jaime the motivation to force some bread in his mouth and Brie looks down looking almost scared that now she can have an honest conversation with him and she says "I know what you did for me" and explains that yeah the Sapphire Isle is called that because of the blue of its water lis I suppose the guy probably knew that since he doesn't seem like the most incorruptible fellow and Brie asks "why did you help me?" and Jaime just sits there like he doesn't even know himself which is a pretty cool story arc usually it's the other way around where more normal characters are shocked to find darkness in themselves but he's a shithead who's shocked to find some goodness in himself
then as if to answer his question, maybe just physically being away from the horrible influences of both his sister and father, we see Cersei watching Tywin writing away at his desk and he gives her the same treatment he gave Tyrion where he completely ignores her as he works when Cersei asks if they're doing everything they can to get Jaime back and Tywin looks at her condescendingly like she's a fucking dumb bitch for even asking as if he's not the most capable person of finding someone in the world and points out that he started a war when Cat took "that lecherous little stump" so what do you think he'd do for his eldest son and heir and Cersei tries to tell him as if she has any love for him "whatever you can" and Tywin just glares at her like nice try and grumbles "whatever I can" and then goes back to stamping his seal on a letter and after an awkward silence asks her what she's still doing there and Cersei tries to contain her resentment as she asks "did it ever occur to you that I deserve your confidence and your trust? not your sons?" since she's the same age as Jaime (wonder if in those days they made sure to keep track of who came out first in the case of twins when birth order was important) and then on the verge of raising her voice but struggling not to whines about all his lectures on family and wisdom that perhaps it's his daughter who's the only one listening to them since Tyrion's a whoring little schemer and Jaime seemed to just ride around getting into formal and informal fights like a cowboy and she gives a big condescending smile and asks "that maybe she had more to contribute to your legacy that you love so much more than your actual children" bringing up the memes and genes theme again that Tywin has such little respect for what his genes have produced that he favors his memes which usually characters only focus on when they don't need to worry about their genes anymore due to infertility such as with the castrated Varys, the baron Dany or the new post-menopausal grandmother character
and Tywin just blows another piece of paper clean like he couldn't give two fucks about his daughter bearing her soul to him and then sits back and sighs like he's not a man to waste a resource and says "alright: contribute" and Cersei smirks at of course he doesn't give a fuck and shows her hand: "the Tyrelles are a problem" and Tywin's face drops as he realizes that his daughters either a fucking idiot or trying to play him and he reminds her "the Tyrelles helped us defeat Stannis Baratheon, the Tyrelle's saved your life, your children's life" and Cersei grits her teeth that of course a man wouldn't understand the importance of interpersonal relationships and only cares who can beat who in a fight and tries to explain "Margaery has her claws in Joffrey.... she knows how to manipulate him" and Tywin just says "good, I wish you knew how to manipulate him" lmao and Cersei glares at him for not listening to her and as if he can read her mind he sighs for having to talk about his feelings and explains "I don't distrust you because you're a woman, I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are" which due to how much he enjoyed talking/playing with Arya he probably is one of the rare powerful men in this setting who doesn't look down on women and all that matters to him is how capable an individual you are and he dresses her down "you've allowed that boy to ride roughshod over you and everyone else in this city" and licks his finger to grab another paper and get back to work and the fuming Cersei taunts "perhaps..... you should try stopping him from doing what he likes" and Tywin can tell that's a threat but he knows Joffrey ain't fucking shit to him and just ignores her or a bit before saying menacingly "I will" with a tiny smile as if his main joy in life is showing weaker people how the world works
then we see Nana Tyrelle deep in thought on her latest schemes and one of her other granddaughters shows her an embroidery she's making and she's like "another golden rose, how original" lmao I love old women who are just past giving a fuck since they're gonna die in a few years anyway and she starts listing all the tat she has with fucking roses on it and remarks that "growing strong" is the dullest motto of any house and she causes her hapless granddaughter to flinch as she yells "winter is coming!" now that's memorable lmao an epic upvote my good lady and then talks about how Direwolves and Krakens are badass house sigils but a golden rose growing strong doesn't exactly inspire fear and the girls sit there awkward not knowing what to say after being told all their lives to respect their family no matter what and then she spots Varys "mincing" as lady Tyrelle will soon call it around and chides "look little loves... a spider in the garden! run along now, grow strong!" and one granddaughter takes the other away hurriedly as they know it's real nigga hours and they don't want to get caught overhearing anything between these two and Varys smarms "I wanted to personally welcome to to King's Landing" as it's time to start his assessment of the latest high IQ individual here to play the Game of Thrones™ (I wish Tell Tale weren't hacks because a really cool dialog centric game could be playing as a new character to King's Landing and trying to climb up the chain of master manipulators until you're the most influential person there) and Varys tries his usual harmless gay-but-not-gay best-friend smarmy charm "the city is made brighter by your presence" and the old lady repeats that in a mocking tone and then asks cheekily "that your usual line, Lord Varys? are you here to seduce me?" and then taunts him saying she'd love to as it's been so long but asks "what happens when the non-existent bumps against the decrepit?" and Varys pretends to look down in befuddlement at his absent genitals as he knows the best way to placate these sort of cocky people is to play along with them trying to make the fool of you
and when he asks to sit she tells him firmly no and teases "coooome I've heard you're such a clever man, I'm curious why you've sought me out" and Varys starts to talk about her interest in Sansa stark and granny mocks his spies running to tell him that as if it matters and plays down her interest and Varys knows the arrogant love any excuse to prove their superiority so he pretends to give up and go to leave and she falls for it teasing "come come, you surrender rather easily" and maybe knowing he's trying to play her but respects the good attempt takes him by the arm to walk through the gardens and Varys tells her "I choose my allies carefully and my enemies more carefully still" probably angling to see if she can be an ally against CIA since they both have possibly competing interests in Sansa he can exploit and she asks which one Sansa is and he says "neither, I admired her father" and she just bluntly points out he had many but none of them did shit to save his head and Varys tries to play it like he wishes he could and this is why he wants to protect Sansa and granny just gets him to skip to the point so he cuts to the chase that he doesn't want Sansa leaving with CIA and granny asks why he's come to her with this matter as if she's intrigued by any sort of power play and Varys explains seriously "Littlefinger was born with no lands, no wealth, no armies, he has acquired the first two, how long before he has the army? perhaps you'll laugh, but I know him better than most, and this is the truth: Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros, if Robb Stark falls, Sansa Stark is the key to the North" and granny already understands "and if he marries her he'll have the key in his pocket" and Varys probes for any elitism granny has and says "which seems such a shame, why should a man with such a low reputation steal away such a lovely bride?" but granny just chuckles as she's not so easily swayed to picking a side and tells him "you must despise him, you're working so had to undermine him" and Varys admits "actually, I rather enjoy him" as they're kindred spirits in being the only two totally devoted to the Game of Thrones in the way only incels can be devoted to something but he warns "but he would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes" and granny can see he's now trying to play on her concern for her own schemes being threatened by whatever threatens to destabalize Westeros and praises him "you are a clever man, Lord Varys" and Varys butts in as fast as he can before she can add any backhanded compliment and tells her "you are too kind, I believe I have a possible solution" and granny just says bluntly "one doesn't need to be clever or that, it's obvious isn't it?" uh oh, sounds like she'll just send a hitter after CIA or some shit, although knowing Varys CIA is more useful to him alive and able to be manipulated than dead and useless
then we see Sansa praying by the sea on what looks like a stump of one of those whites trees that I guess got cut down to stop their worship this far south and Marg approaches the two generic Lannister soldiers protecting her/keeping her captive and looks at her with a bigger smirk than usual as if she finds faith silly and gives a cough and says obviously lying "sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you" and Sansa says "you haven't" like not much does anymore and Marg does the "leave us" meme to the guards and for once they just stand there silently as it's not their orders... but then threatens to tell on them to Joffrey and they immediately walk off lul and then Marg tries to act all girlfriendy with Sansa asking her what she prayed for and claims to pray herself but Sansa keeps it to herself so Marg starts talking about how her beautiful cousin used to bully her calling her pig face (well she does kind of have a wide upturned nose...) so she prayed that she'd come down with a skin disease and a week later she got porridge plague, so this world seems to be like DnD where praying actually works if we're to believe her and Cat's annecotes but then again this is probably what people thought in real life medieval times where of course eventually by coincidence someone's prayer will come true and they'll be convinced their religion works because they didn't notice or excused away the other 99% of the time their prayer didn't come true and this is the exciting story that gets spread around of a curse working and no one goes around telling people the boring experience of not getting what they wished for, and Marg tells her that porridge plague makes your skin fall off and you die in agony and the still dumb as fuck Sansa says "but that's awful" and Marg burns out laughing DUDE IT WAS JUST A PRANK and Sansa laughs for the first time in what must be a year and then asks Marg what really happened to her cousin and she laments that no she went on to have the perfect privileged happy family life but Sansa assures her she'll be jealous of her when she's the fucking queen and they giggle together and Marg takes her hands and says "I want us to be friends, good friends" and dumbass Sansa smiles with the same gormless dopey look Jon gets and says "that would make me very happy" and Marg smiles as another person successfully charmed and then invites Sansa to a costume ball but she says the queen wont let her and Marg just says confidently "you mean the queen regent? once I marry Joffrey I'll be queen" and Sansa smiles that she won't have to put up with Cersei maddogging her constantly if her new best friend is the new queen handling Joffrey and then Marg sees her moment of hope and cashes in with her granny's plan of "and if you were to marry Loras" Sansa gets a huge smile as she's attracted to him anyway, hopefully Loras doesn't mind bedding a woman unlike his late lover, and Marg asks "we would be sisters, you and I, would you like that?" and Sansa almost breaks down in tears that everything will be alright for her and not only will she have a family to look after her again but she'll even get a nicer sister than annoying tomboy Arya lmao
then we see a corpse being burnt on a funeral pyre and the Commander guy says "his name was Bannen, he was a good man, a good ranger, he came to us from..." but then he forgets lmao and has to ask someone "where did he come from?" ah yes uh Mr. Bannen came from the town of Breitbart sir, known for spreading many a newsletter about illegal Wildling immigration over The Wall and the Commander gives this guy that he obviously didn't know that much a generic speech about serving bravely and as he finishes all the lads chant "and now his watch has ended" which he repeats before sadly wandering off and as they stare into the flames the bully guy discusses with one of the other generic guys about how they didn't know a broken foot could kill you but the bully says it was Craster's fault for not feeding him, and fat retard Sam says "he's got his daughters to feed" wives you mean but the bully guy assures them he's withholding food and as they stare into the fire one of them says with a worried tone "never knew Bannen could smell so good" as they're all getting to THAT level of hunger, honestly there is literally nothing morally wrong with cannibalism, you can't even catch diseases if you cook it well and they've already saw to that
and inside the cabin Craster is winding up the Commander bragging about how he just had his 99th son and has more daughters than he can count (which means that I can credit him for at least CRASTER +>200 HIS OWN DAUGHTERS (INCEST HAREM RAPE) since he has two more sons born in the future and has had at least twice as many daughters (who since they are not all there probably a lot of them died young due to ye olde infant mortality and living in a complete shithole) which is funny since 200 is the secret lisa number) and telling if he can't stomach mercy killing his wounded men to get it over with he'd do it for him and the men share shifty looks as if to say told you so he is out to get us and one of them gets mad and says "who's throat you gonna cut old man?" and the Commander can sense the atmosphere and orders them outside but they stay there whining about their conditions and accuse him of hiding food and the Commander starts screaming at them to get out knowing what they're thinking of doing the Craster starts yelling at them "I have to feed my women! I am a godly man!" but one yells back "you're a stingy bastard!" so Crarster grabs an axe and threatens to behand the next person to call him the b-word and they all just stand there staring at him and it hits him that he's an old ass man surrounded by trained soldiers so calms down and the Commander starts taking lads outside but one of the more edgy guys steels himself as he knows this is what he needs to do to get his food since it's the easiest way to get away with killing this guy and says "you are a bastard... a daughter-fucking wildling bastard" and CRASTER RUSHES HIM WITH THE AXE BUT HE PULLS A KNIFE AND RAMS IT UP HIS JAW INTO HIS MOUTH AS ALL HIS DAUGHTER-WIVES SCREAM IN HORROR
and he drops him leaving him to splutter to death on his own blood and the Commander comes in and tells him in disgust that the Gods will damn him for this but the edgy dude just says "there are no laws beyond The Wall!" and grabs the nearest woman and tells her she's next if she doesn't give up the food so the Commander takes his sword out and orders him "unhand her" and the edgy guy puts his hands out showing he doesn't want to fight his boss but then THE BULLY GUY STABS COMMANDER MORMONT IN THE BACK
thank fuck something is finally happening after like 3 seasons of this boring ass storyline, and one of the other men figures it's a mutiny and the edgy guy who killed Craster is behind it and rushes at him screaming and the edgy guy just stands there gawping like wait I didn't want that but the dude tackles him and EVERY WATCHMEN CHOOSES A SIDE AND THE CABIN ERUPTS IN A MELEE AND THE COMMANDER GUY IS STILL STANDING SO PINS THE BULLY AGAINST THE WALL AS SAM WADDLES OUT AS FAST AS HE CAN TO GRAB HIS SWORD AS ALL HIS COMRADES KILL EACH OTHER ALL AROUND HIM AND THE COMMANDER GUY SUDDENLY COUGHS UP BLOOD AND DROPS THE BULLY GUY AND JUST SITS DOWN DYING AS HIS MEN ALL KILL EACH OTHER ALL AROUND HIM AND THE BULLY GUY MAKES SURE TO FINISH THE JOB STABBING HIM IN THE CHEST WITH A KNIFE OH SHIT AND SAM RUSHES INTO GILLY'S TENT AND DRAGS HER AND HER BABBY OUT OF THE HOMESTEAD AS EVERYONE KILLS EACH OTHER AND THE BULLY GUY SCREAMS AFTER HIM "SLEEP WELL PIGGY! I'LL BE CUTTING YOUR THROAT ONE OF THESE NIGHTS!" oh bloody fookin ell maaaate the start of the violence reminded me of how fucking moron brainlets think they're tough for saying they'll fight anyone who talks shit to anyone when in reality that means that you're literally an NPC who can get triggered into attack mode so then you can legally and morally kill the person at the time and situation of your leisure and get away with it lmao and if you were le real man you'd uhhh not care what anyone says to you in the first place
then with the Brotherhood they have gotten Arya to put a hood over her head so she can't learn where they're travelling to which is a smart move and they arrive in a clearing in the woods that has lookouts on it's ridges and the leader guy tries to get Arya to drink some alcohol with the hood only rolled up to her eyes in some dodgy underage bondage roleplay and when Gentry asks for some they bring them into a cave and unbag them, including The Hound, who looks around and grins and says "some of you look like a bunch of swineherds" and one of them says yeah they are, and tanners and masons, like they're just ordinary people who had to defend themselves from his army, and The Hound taunts "you think carrying a crookened spear makes you a soldier?" and their leader steps forward with a homemade eyepatch played by... I think that's... Sean Pertwee? who I only know for being mocked on a surrealist sketch show from 15 year sago called Bo Selecta and he edgily says "no... fighting in a war makes you a solider" and The Hound clocks him as "Beric Dondarrion? you've seen better days" and he edgily growls "and I wont see them again" well you half will and The Hound looks around the room again and dresses them down as "Stark deserters, Baratheon deserters, you lot aren't fighting in a war you're running from it" but Beric calls him out on being a deserter too and The Hound just dares him to untie his ropes and asks what he's doing leading an army of peasants as if they used to fight side by side and this is below his station and Beric explains Ned ordered him to execute his brother in King Robert's name, ah I guess this is the guy that got sent after The Mountain all the way back in season 1, and he definitely seems to have been having a fun time up there, and Arya and Gentry share a conspiring look as they've seen his target most recently, and The Hound just points out both of his guys are dead and his guy is alive and spits on the ground calling them all ghosts and Beric says some edgy shit "that's what we are, ghosts waiting for you in the dark, you cant see us, but we see you, no matter who's cloak you wear, Lannister, Stark, Baratheon, if you prey on the weak, the Brotherhood Without Banners will hunt you down" this dude gone full Punisher, and this might seem a bit over the top but in war ravished shitholes where it becomes painfully obvious Both Sides™ are shitheads and there's no rule of law anymore vigilante gangs really do form like the counter-cartel gangs in Mexico
and The Hound sneers "you found god? is that it?" and Beric says "aye, I've been reborn in the light of the one true god, as have we all" oh shit are they fucking muslims like the Red Lady? and The Hound rolls his eyes and tells them to just get on with murdering them and the drunk guy who's name I already forgot says "oh you'll die soon enough dog, but it won't be murder, it'll be justice" right nice and edgy and the other men start sharing their grievances in disgust at The Hound talking about how "at the Mummer's Ford girls as young as 7 were raped and babes still on the breast were cut in two while their mothers watched" and The Hound just sneers that he wasn't there so "dump your dead children at some other door!" as if he's seen it all before and that's just what war is and one of them tells him "House Clegane was built upon dead children!" and blame them for killing the Mad Kings little kiddies and The Hound yells to the cave "do you take me for my brother? is being born Clegane a crime?" and claims to never have touched the Targaryen babes, hmmmm maybe they were Dany and her brother and they managed to escape alive but someone blamed it on him and The Hound tells them to just get on with it but "don't call me murderer and pretend that you're not" as he's past giving a fuck and would probably prefer to just die and Arya cant hold her tongue and yells out "you murdered Mycah! the butchers boy, my friend, he was 12 years old, he was unarmed, and you rode him down! you slung him over your horse like he was some deer" and Beric walks towards her impressed by her forcefulness but turns to The Hound as he taunts "aye... he was a bleeder" as he sees Beric's interest in her and is probably trying to wind him up to just get it over with and merc him so they don't torture him or some shit first and Beric asks "you don't deny killing this boy?" and The Hound defends himself saying "I was Joffrey's sworn shield, the boy attacked the prince" which Arya denies taking responsibility, but The Hound maybe genuinely believed Cersei's bullshit, but The Hound doesn't care and just says "then I should have killed you, not my place to question princes" and Beric says no one knows the truth so it's not their place to judge him... only The Lord of Light may do that now, ah he's leaving it up to Allah, I thought he was going to let Arya decide his fate since she's the only witness to his crimes, and Beric sentences The Hound to trial by combat which just makes him smirk like he wishes they'd just behead him but of course he gets the one option that means he'll definitely walk out there to suffer another day and he goes down into the drunks face and sneers "so who's it going to be? should we find out if your fire god really loves you, priest?" and then turns to the bowman and asks "or you, archer? what are you worth with a sword in your hand? or is the little girl the bravest one here?" and Beric says "aye, she might be" lmao is he really going to make her fight him oh no he says "but it's me you'll fight" as dramatic music kicks off and wait no this isn't Sean Pertwee it's some actor I never heard before ok scratch that dumb comment
then we cut to, oh fuck, Dany marching angrily into the city centre with Barry, Jorah and the new slavegirl following her and the shitlord king guy says through her that these Unsullied are untested and advises her to "blood them early" by letting them sack smaller cities on her way and offers to buy any captives she takes who might even end up Unsullied themselves and Dany glares in disgust at the king and just walks off to a crate carried out by her Dothraki guards that's placed in front of the Unsullied army and as she starts to open it up the crowd gasps as they've heard what she's trading and from out of it comes... the dark red dragon on a chain that Dany holds the end of as it flies in the air... and everyone stars in wonder at it as she flies it over to the king like it's a fucking kite
and hands him the handle much to the dragons displeasure and and he hands her his sceptre without even thinking about it as if that represents her control of the Unsullied, ok I see the meme coming, it's the Unsullied she uses to kill him and take over since they're his best fighting force, and they've been conditioned to blindly follow whoever controls that sceptre as their commander, even though that's not been said anywhere before this that that sceptre is important, and she asks "is it done then? they belong to me?" and the King says "it is done, she holds the whip, this bitch has her army" and Dany gives him one last edgy glare before walking away from her dragon squawking in distress to her new army and announces... in their language... "Unsullied! march forward!" as the King struggles to control the dragon and the crowd gets unnerved and she yells "halt!" as they reach her and the King says "tell the bitch her beast won't come!" and Dany turns around and with a sneer tells him in his own language A DRAGON IS NOT A SLAVE and the King asks in shock "you speak Valyrian?" and Dany does le ebin title drop maymay "I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen of the blood of Old Valyria" and Jorah gets this goofy smile on his face like he's about to cream his undies as she reveals "Valyrian is my mother tongue"WOW WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! VERY CONVENIENT!!! GREAT WRITING!!!
and the King's face drops as he realizes she's been hearing him shit talking her the entire time and she turns to her new army and says, with extremely bad wording that they could misinterpret to mean kill her too lmao, "UNSULLIED! SLAY THE MASTERS! SLAY THE SOLDIERS! SLAY EVERY MAN WHO HOLDS A WHIP! BUT SLAY NO CHILD, STRIKE THE CHAINS OFF EVERY SLAVE YOU SEE!" AND AN UNSULLIED IMMEDIATELY PUTS HIS SPEAR THROUGH ONE OF HIS OVERSEERS
AND AS THE KING SEES ANOTHER DROP HE YELLS "I AM YOUR MASTER!" AND FRANTICALLY STARTS SCREAMING AT THEM "KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!" wow this dude got really le rused by master ruseman Dany who could have ever seen this happening to him wwwwoooooooowwww
but thankfully for Dany's le ebin dramatic moment the Unsullied are just standing there not following her orders and immediately laying siege to the King and his cohorts allowing her to simply give an order to.... DRACARYS and the King looks briefly confused before he clocks that she's talking to... and he looks up and... THE DRAGON BREATHS OUT A HUGE SPRAY OF FIRE
and the camera pans up into the smoke over her, ok ebin, pretty sure the Unsullied were killing like unarmed elderly women in there but I guess they were... slaves owners too... o-ok my dudette, and then we see the kings charred body smouldering as smoke engulfs the area and we see Jorah walking through it over to Dany who's standing there stock still as if she just felt so badass not looking at that eplosion behind her she's trying to hold the pose to keep the effect going
and without a word she just walks off not even responding to Jorah as he stands there in awe at her and then we pan over the huge Army of I think 8K Unsullied Dany now controls as she walks through them to her horse and gives a big speech "Unsullied! you have been slaves all your life, today you are free, any man who wishes to leave may leave, and no one will harm him, I give you my word, will you fight for me? as free men?" and she gets zero response as they just stand there not knowing what to make of this and probably thinking it's some sort of test but then one spear starts to pop up and down and then everyone beside him starts popping their spear and before you know it the entire army is hammering their spear to show their support for her and Jorah looks at Barry like hell yeah fam and she rides around looking super proud of herself
and then rides out of the city and looks at the sceptre whip thing in her hand and just drops it off into the dirt as she doesn't need it for her free army anymore and the Unsullied just unceremoniously march over their old symbol of slavery and we pan up to see the MASSIVE army leaving the city as badass Conan the Barbarian music plays and her three dragons fly up in the sky, ok that would have been pretty fucking cool if it was in any other show that had your standard flawless badass heroes encounter a villain for a few episode and then fuck their shit up but is all a wee bit obviously contrived when set in this universe since like there's coincidences just to set up her pointless reveal she speaks their language which was an obvious twist that didn't actually matter since her problem with him was his slave system not him calling her ass fat or whatever never mind how fucking dumb this King must be to not realizing maybe it's a wee but of a security concern to HAND OVER CONTROL OF ALMOST YOUR ENTIRE ARMED FORCES TO A FOREIGNER right in fucking front of you and fucking obviously this woman is going to fuck him over somehow from her, you know, constantly glaring daggers at him and suspiciously offering up her greatest asset but there you go Dany gets another level-up by effortlessly usurping the leader of an entire culture with zero risk, loss or consequences, ebin even though there's loads of material here to mine for muh realism theme like what happens to this city after she kills their king? how much infighting is there going to be? how fucked is their economy now that the slaves have seen their own kind revolt? how defenseless is it after Dany takes the entire special forces? maybe it could come up later but probably not
Game of Thrones 3x05: "Kissed by Fire" Beric's 1v1 exploits special edition
First aired: April 28, 2013
we enter seeing the drunk Brotherhood guy saying his dumb prayer into the fire to be shown the truth of The Hound's nature as they uncut him and it does indeed end in the "the night is dark and full of terrors" meme which I guess is their version of christcucks talking about hell to scare people into following them and then Beric kneels down for his drunkard priest to slit his palm open with his sword that he hands to him for him to run the blade down IGNITING HIS BLOODY SWORD ON FIRE!!!
AND THE HOUND RECOILS BACK LIKE WHAT LE FUCK MATE!!! obviously this could just be slight of hand where they pre-coated the sword in something flammable, that dude has enough alcohol laying around, and then he just palmed some flint to spark it as he runs it through his hand but all the brainlets believe it and a shook Hound, who I presume isn't too fucking fond of fire after a certain childhood experience, gets handed a wooden shield and a sword as Beric rears up with his own shield and his flaming fucking sword and THE HOUND YELLS AS HE CHARGES HIM BUT BERIC DEFLECTS HIS BLOWS AND SPINS HIS SWORD AROUND FORCING THE HOUND BACK TO NOT GET BURNED BY IT WHO STANDS SHOCKED LIKE "WTF NERF THIS OP SHIT!"
AND BERIC GIVES HIM A KNOWING SMILE LIKE HE WHO'S IT'S OP AND STARTS POKING AT HIM WITH HIS FLAMING SWORD AND THE HOUND HAS TO DEFLECT IT WITH HIS SHIELD AND BERICS STARTS TWIRLING HIS SWORD LIKE A LIGHTSABER AND IT ENDS UP HITTING A ROCK SPEWING SPARKS KNOCKING OVER HIS OWN GUY LOL OOPS AND ARYA HOPS OUT THE WAY AS THE BLADE SINGS THROUGH THE AIR IN FRONT OF HER AND THE HOUND MANAGES TO KNOCK HIM BACK WITH HIS SHIELD BUT BERIC PARRIES ALL HIS STRIKES EFFORTLESSLY MOVING AROUND THE LARGER MAN AND THE HOUND SLASHES AT THE FIRE SWORD SENDING IT SMASHING THROUGH SOME SHIT AND SMASHES THROUGH SOME MORE SHIT TRYING TO SWING HIS BLADE AT BERIC WHO KNOCKS THE HOUND BACK WITH HIS SHIELD SENDING HIM STUMBLING INTO A FIREPLACES AND HE YELPS AS THE FLAMES LICK HIS CROTCH LMAO
AND HE KICKS SOME TAT IN ANGER AND CHARGES BACK AT BERIC BLOCKING HIS FIRE SWORD WITH HIS SHIELD AND SLAMMING HIS SHIELD BACK WITH HIS OWN SWORD BUT BERIC SHOVES HIM ONTO HIS KNEES AND STARTS HACKING AT HIM WITH THE FIRE SWORD AND THE DRUNK DUDE HAS TO SHOVE ARYA OUT THE WAY AGAIN DUMB DYKE AND THEY PARRY AGAIN WITH THE HOUND SLAPPING BERIC WITH HIS SHIELD AND SPARKS FLY AS THEIR BLADES CLASH AND THE HOUND MANAGES TO HACK THROUGH BERICS WOODEN SHIELD BUT HE COMES BACK SWINGING FIRE AT HIM AND THE HOUND HAS TO BACK THE FUCK UP DEFLECTING THE BLADE TO NOT GET BURNED UNTIL HES FORCED ONTO THE GROUND AND USES THE SHIELD TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM THE FLAMING ASSAULT THAT SETS FIRE TO HIS OWN WOODEN SHIELD AND HE JUMPS BACK UP TRYING TO FIGHT HIM BUT THE FIRE STARTS SPREADING FROM THE SHIELD AND HE HAS TO FRANTICALLY CHOP IT OFF HIS ARM WITH HIS SWORD AS HE CANT GET TO THE STRAPS AND THE CROWD SEES HE'S LOSING SO STARTS CHANTING "GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY"
AND BERIC TWIRLS HIS FLAMING SWORD DRAMATICALLY AS ARYA SCREAMS "KILL HIM!" AND STARTS HACKING AT THE SHIELD HIMSELF ADDING MORE FIRE TO IT AND THE HOUND HOWLS IN AGONY AS HIS ARM IS BURNED BY THE FIRE AND OVERHEAD SWINGS HIS SWORD AS ABSOLUTELY HARD AS HE CAN... STRAIGHT THROUGH BERICS FLAMING SWORD, CUTTING IT IN HALF, AND DOWN THROUGH HIS SHOULDER INTO HIS TORSO!!!! OH SHIT!!!!
and Beric drops his sword and topples over head with blood squelching disgustingly out of him and the crowd gasps in horror as the drunk priest drops to Beric's corpse and blesses him in the name of their god and everyone else just stands there in shock as The Hound is still rolling around on the ground moaning in pain as he tries to get the shards of burning shield off of his arm lmao, never corner an abused dog I guess, and Arya, the absolute mad lass, actually grabs a dagger off a guy and rushes The Hound but the archer guy grabs her before she gets herself killed and the Hound grins up at her in amazement that he survived and mocks her "looks like their god likes me more than your butcher's boy!" and Arya screeches BURN IN HELL!!! and someone says "he will" and ITS BERIC, HE'S STILL ALIVE and he finishes "but not today" as The Hound beat him fair and square, huh, I guess it is survivable to survive having your shoulder hacked into... however he'd probably lose use of that arm and uhh die from internal bleeding in a few minutes lmao, but maybe he does have supernatural powers knowing this increasingly retarded show
then beyond The Wall by one of the rare unfrozen lakes Jon and his waifu joins the rough ginger guy and their Warg who start grilling him for intel on The Walls patrol patterns and he tells them a bit but then asks where on The Wall they're going so he can be more specific as to their routine and the Warg is like "yeah you'd like to know that" being wary of what they give up to him and he asks Jon staring him in the eyes "there are 19 castles guarding The Wall, how many are manned?" and Jon says "three" which knowing the absolute state of the Nights Watch is probably true and fucking brainlet Jon hasn't thought of what to do in this situation yet and hesitates to specify which ones but then he doxxes Castle Black, Eastwatch-by-the-Sea and the Shadow Tower and the ginger nut looks like he believes him but the Warg accuses him of lying that Castle Black only has a thousand men in it and Jon remembers this world works by who's the most edgy and asks him what happens to his eagle when he kills him and his redheaded gf pulls a knife on the Warg who starts at her but the big ginger guy just throws him away and tells Jon to his face "if you lie to me I'll pull your guts out through your throat" showing he's the realest nigga there but Jon doesn't blink since he probably did drop the real intel like a muppet and then being as obnoxious as possible the redhead gf steals his fucking sword and runs off into a cave like le cheeky manic pixie dream girl and when she gets him alone she challenges him to prove he's not a crow anymore by breaking his vows and starts undressing in this cave that's somehow warm enough not to cause you extreme pain doing so and in a manner where her tits are only shown on screen briefly as she fiddles about with her pants so it can be easily edited out for other TV channels NO DONT DO IT JON RETAIN YOUR MASCULINE ENERGY TO ONE DAY BECOME THE INCEL KING OF WESTEROS, REMEMBER YOUR MGTOW VOWS!
and Jon bashfully says "we shouldn't" but Yigritte whispers "we should" and starts making out him him and Jon gives in and starts kissing her tits and she's like "why are you still dressed? you know nothing Jon Snow" oh she said the meme!!!!! and it's still about sex, but then Jon kneels down and starts eating her pussy much to her shock, then we cut to afterwards where they're laying next to each other in this surprisingly warm cave and she asks him "that thing you did with your mouth... is that what lords do to their ladies in the south?" I remember in Boardwalk Empire that was a scene where a man tentative asks his wife to "do it the french way" and give him oral sex, which maybe in that context was just a man trying to act naive to make his actually naive girl feel comfortable giving him head, but in this context of the apparently free-loving wildlings not knowing what oral sex is is quite retarded, I seriously doubt any culture on earth has not realiszed that genitals + mouth = nice feeling (I mean I figured it out on myself), and Jon says he just felt like it and promises that she really is his first and knows he probably wasn't hers so she talks about her first being some redhead boy, which they call "kissed by fire" up there, who came trading with his brothers and then she talks about another lover who was "built by a mammoth" which I wonder if they're still alive in this world and Jon feels cucked so tries to tell her they should get back but she starts making out with him again and invites him to take a bath with her in what I presume is a hotspring which you'd think would be a lot more populated than just these two lovers and she tells him she doesn't want to go back and never wants to leave the cave awwww inb4 she backstabs him
then back with the Brotherhood we see The Hound being given an IOU promising to give him his gold back once the war is over but he throws it on the ground and yells "piss on that! you're nothing but thieves!" TAXATION IS THEFT MY DUDE and the bowman guy tells him he's lucky they don't kill him and The Hound barks "try it and I'll shove those arrows up your arse!" and Arya starts crying that they're letting this murderer go but Beric says "not in the eyes of Allah" and nods for his men to give him his sword back and tells him "go in peace Sandor Clegane, The Lord of Light isn't done with you yet" and they hop the hood back over his head to escort him away from their base without giving him any intel
then we see the Bolton party arriving at a castle and Brie looks over to Jaime who looks like he's about to die at any second and they place them in front of Lord Bolton, who's in charge of that burnt out castle with Robb still away, and dramatically kicks Jaime in to the mud and says "I give you... the Kingslayer!" but he tells this guy, Locke, nice LOST reference, to pick him up and he asks "you've lost a hand?" but Locke says "no, my lord, he has it here! heh" wow goodone and Bolton gets triggered when Locke suggests mailing it to Tywin and tells him to take it away and hold his tongue unless he wants to lose it and orders for Brie to be cut free, saying she's under his protection now, probably knowing she's been raped, but Brie stands up confidently as soon as she's free towering over him and says "thank you my Lord" as if she's fine and as he's walking away Jaime finally speaks up and asks for news from the capital and Bolton tells him about Stannis' raid on King's Landing and that "your sister... how can I put this... your sister... is alive and well" and Jaime collapses from the stress of being memed so hard so they take him to their Maester who undresses his disgusting bloody and infected stump that I guess they didn't even cauterize and tells him they should take the whole arm off but Jaime just growls "then you'll die, you're no maester, where's your chain?" and the man confesses, uh oh, "The Citidel stripped me of it, they found some of my experiments too bold" ah of course this guy's working for the Boltons and he says "I can leave your upper arm, make the cut at your elbow" but Jaime grabs him by the throat with his left hand and says "I don't need my right hand to kill you" so the so-called Maester says he'll cut away the corruption and burn out the rest with boiling wine and offers him some dank milk of the poppy but Jaime refuses and says he'll just "scream loudly" I suppose wanting to have his wits about him and not be drugged up as he's still being held captive by an even more dangerous enemy but maybe also making use of his father's mentality where he might as well face this situation head to make him stronger rather than taking any easy outs and the maester straps a belt around his stump and oooooh fuuuuuuuuck he takes some scissors and starts cutting away at the rotting flesh as Jaime flinches away and the old man looks at him as if to ask are you really going to try to do this with no morphine but Jaime steels himself and forces his arm to stay still for him and screams in agony as the maester's eyes bulge out of his head in amazement at Jaime's fortitude, jesus christ
then we cut to CIA being ambushed in the courtyard by Cersei again who tells him she wants the dirt on the Tyrelle's to show her father who's a logical man who appreciates facts and the ever smug CIA says "myself, I usually find them a hindrance" since he's basically ye olde Fake News™ merchant and Cersei tells him arrogantly "and he appreciates those who help our family as you know, he's almost as generous to those who help us as he is unpleasant to those who don't" as if reminding him she's the real power player here and when CIA looks a bit shook she pounces and tells him to use his working relationship to investigate the Tyrelle's and brings up their last meeting saying she hopes he does better than when she asked him to locate Arya and CIA assures her he will and when she leaves gets a big cheeky smile as he did in fact locate Arya but is keeping that up his sleeve to use on Cat
and then we see Lady Tyrelle having a drink with Tyrion and she tells off Podrick for pouring too much wine but since it's based Pod she must be the one in the wrong since he does everything perfectly somehow and she sends him to get her some prunes which she claims helps her bowels and then complains that Tyrion made her climb all those stairs to discuss financial matters since he's warning her how fucking much this royal wedding is gonna cost especially in a time of war and she just let's Tyrion simmer in the awkward position of having to manage the money of all these insanely entitled and dangerous people and just as he's about to think he can talk down to her about the runnings of an empire she cuts him off saying "the Tyrelle family has supplied 12,000 infintarymen, 18,000 mounted lancers and 2000 in support, provisions so this city might survive the winter, a million bushels of wheat, half a million bushels EACH of barley, oats and rye, 20,000 heads of cattle, 50,000 sheep, you don't have to lecture me about war time expenses, I'm quite familiar" and Tyrion just sits there seething as he can't say shit to this woman meticulously lording her leverage over him and she points out that the wedding is necessary because the people are hungry for more than just food (hmmm why does she want it to happen so badly hmmmmm) as "they crave distrations, and if we dont provide them they'll provide their own, and their distractions are likely to result in us being torn to pieces" ah ye olde, well literally in this case, bread and circuses not much as changed really other than the state doesn't need to organize dumb shit for people to ignore their problems with we willingly pay for that ourselves now and Tyrion looks at her like he knows she's right and bows his head in defeat as she says "and the royal wedding is traditionally funded by the royal family" but to stop him from getting too disillusioned about dealing with her she ends the nagging part of her manipulations and starts the negging part and tells him "I was told you were drunk, impertinent and thoroughly debauched, imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a browbeaten bookkeeper" and Tyrion furrows his eyes as he's not sure if that's a compliment or not as Pod returns with her prunes and as soon as Tyrion tries to speak up for himself Lady Tyrelle "gives in" and says they'll pay for half the expenses and the celebrations will go on as planned, since that's all she actually cares about, and just basically winning a dick measuring contest with Tyrion to keep him under her thumb will secure that, and with Tyrion at her mercy thanking her she stands up, says "very good then, that's settled, good day" and marches out of the room causing Tyrion to nervously nibble on one of Pod's prunes, no not like that, to deal with having just been played in some way by this old lady but he can't figure out why since she just halved his expenses, but I know since the internet is saturated by GoT memes lul
then in the Brotherhood's cave Arya is bothering Gentry who's mending Beric's armor from the whole getting cleaved through thing and yells at him for wanting to stay saying he wont be spared when the Lannisters find them but he's accepted the danger he's already been in and wants to help these good men, but Arya wants him to come with her to see Robb but Gentry is done in serving other men, his mentor sold him to the Black Watch and then he was Tywin's slave, he'll serve Beric but because his men chose him and they really are all brothers, a family, which he never had, and Arya almost crying tells him "I can be your family" as she doesn't want to have to leave behind another friend but Gentry tells her "you wont be my family, you'll be My Lady" dude she's like 14 you fucking pedophile
then find the two distantly related Lannister children asleep in their cell when one tries to wake up his brother as he hears fighting outside but A SOLDIER OPENS THEIR DOOR ONLY TO GET A SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST FROM THE SANTA LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER and one of the boys asks "is this a rescue?" but it seems like a mutiny as the revenge-driven Santa guy grabs them and hollers "LANNISTER FILTH! TAKE HIM!" as they drag away the older boy of about 13 and as he grabs the younger boy of only about 11 he pleads "please, I didn't do anything! I'm just a squire-" but THE OLD MAN STABS THE LITTLE BOYEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 42LOOKS LIKE HE WAS ON SANTAS NAUGHTY LIST!
and let's him drop down dead and later that day Robb, his wife and mother are standing over... both dead bodies, so they dragged the older boy off just to kill him anyway, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 43 and the nurse girl is horrified to see the boys she was just healing as cooling corpses and a serious Robb orders "bring him to me" and his men march in the defiant Santa dude and his friends and Robb insults him "it took five of you to murder two unarmed squires?" but Santa claims it was vengeance but Robb hollars THEY WERE BOYS! getting triggered remembering his own two little brothers about that age that might be dead too and he orders Santa to look at the bodies but he just says "tell your mother to look at him, she killed them as much as I" still booty blasted about her letting Jaime go and Robb accuses him of treason but he says "it's treason to free your enemies, in war you kill your enemies, did your father not teach you that, boy?" and one of Robb's guards punches the old man for his disrespect but Robb tells him to leave him and Santa mocks the guard "aye, leave me to the king, he wants to give me a scolding before he sets me free" and the shitty aim archer guy looks at Robb like he knows what he needs to do now but isn't sure if he'll do it and Santa keeps pushing it, probably deep down wanting to die as he has nothing left, "that's how he deals with treason, our King of the North, or should I call him, the King Who Lose the North?" and Cat looks up at Robb knowing what her son has to do and Robb orders "Escort Lord Karstark to the dungeon, hang the rest" and as they get dragged away one of the lads yells "mercy sire! I didn't kill anyone! I only watched for the guards!" so Robb orders "this one was only the watcher... so hang him last so he can watch the others die" oof EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 44
and the man gets dragged off screaming that they made him do it, and the shitty archer guy warns Robb "word of this cant leave Riverrun, they were Tywin Lannister's kin, The Lannisters pay their debts, they never stop talking about it" and Robb ever the moralfaggot "would you make me a liar as well as a murderer?" but the shitty archer tries to frame it as "it wouldn't be lying, we will bury them and remain silent until the war is done" but Robb says "I won't be fighting for justice if I don't serve justice to murderers in my ranks, no matter how highborn" I guess he can kill the goons but to hang a Lord he'd need to give explanations to his people and word would get out and the whole castle would end up getting Mountain'd, and both Cat and his wife warn him that the Karstarks will abandon him, but Robb can't believe his wife doesn't want justice for the boys she tended to, but she's just not a moralfag like him and reminds him "and more boys will keep dying until this war is over, and you can use Karstark men to end it" and Cat sees her son is being swayed so quickly adds "spare his life, keep him as a hostage" and the shitty archer agrees "tell the Karstarks that as long as they're loyal, he will not be harmed" and Robb sits there fighting between his drive for justice and the more pragmatic approach of his advisers and then outside in the rain we see Santa being taken to meet Robb and his people by the guards and he boasts "the blood of the first men flows through my veins as much as yours, boy, I fought the Mad King for your father, I fought Joffrey for you, we are kin, Stark and Karstark" but Robb glares at him and says "that didn't save you from betraying me and it wont save you now" and Santa gloats "I don't want it to save me... I want it to haunt you to the end of your days" knowing Robb's such a moralfag and Robb orders him to kneel and with a deep breath he does and presents his neck over the stone and Robb sentences him to death and asks if he has any final words and he sneers "kill me and be cursed, you are no King of mine" and with a big heave ROBB CUTS HIS HEAD OFF and throws down his sword and storms off clenching his fist and shaking with conflicting emotions, that was an interesting little situation to demonstrate the Real Nigga Shit that takes place in this world since clearly from every angle, morals and practicality, this Santa guy is in the wrong, this fucking moron killed his own sides guys just so he could murder two children because he was angry at a guy who wouldn't give two tugs of a dead dog's dick about it that just lost them leverage and increased the chances of them being attacked, and Robb has the hard choice of not wanting him to go unpunished for his crime and not wanting to let him get away with disrespecting his rule but then realistically he'd just lose a bunch of his forces doing it, and he ended up killing him since he fell into the exact same trap that Santa did, that it's the righteous thing to avenge murder, rather than not be a fucking moron who brakes alliances and makes enemies because you just FEEL like you're doing the "right" thing, which gets the themes of the show across a lot better than whatever generic contrived heroes journey Dany is on where she never makes any mistakes and blundering towards the vaguely defined right thing to do is always rewarded, fucking edit her out of the show now
then we see Arya doing her edgy "list of people I want to kill" mantra, including The Hound of course, in front of the drunk priest guy who tells her he'll take her to Riverrun tomorrow to be with her brother... of a contribution to their cause of course, and Arya realizes "I'm a hostage and you're selling me" as if she's quickly learning how the world works and the man admits it is that way... but isn't, since they're not just doing it out of greed and know they can easily talk Robb into giving them a "reward" without having to threaten her, since even though they would probably be open to acting against Robb's army if they caught them abusing people, they seem to be primarily acting against the Lannister's occupying their lands which is good for Robb, and he tells Arya that Beric admired Ned and was going to refuse her ransom, but the drunk guy is a lot more practical and tells her they need the gold lol, then Beric comes up and asks "do I frighten you child?" as she stares at him but she growls "no" and he apologizes for setting The Hound free but says it was the right thing, and Arya asks "I thought he killed you?" and Beric claims "he did" and asks "Thoros, how many times have you brought me back?" and Thoros says "The Lord of Light brings you back, I'm just the lucky drunk who says the words" and claims that it's been "five, I think, no this makes six" times, wtf this dude is OP as fuck and Thoros starts explaining "there was the first time, The Mountain, show her, lance right through the chest" and he takes his shirt off to show a huge wound in his chest, I guess that's when he realized carrying out Ned's orders were going to take a bit more effort than just running up to 1v1 him, and they go on "then I got stabbed in the belly" "then it was an arrow in the back" "and that ax in the side" "then the Lannisters caught me and executed me for treason, was it a hanging, or a dagger in the eye?" and he raises his head so the fire illuminates the scars around his neck and Thoros says "both, fuckers couldn't decide" with a grin and Beric shows Arya his scarred over eye under his eyepatch and Thoros adds "and The Hound makes six" and Beric commiserates "second time I've been killed by a Clegane" and Thoros mocks "you think you'd learn" brilliant, nice utterly destroyed tension in this world where military commanders can literally get +1 lives lmao, eat shit GRRM, muh realism my ass
not to mention that this is further confirmation that yeah, The Lord of Light is literally the one true god since this is the second group who worship him and most likely have access to real magic if this dude isn't just lying but it seemed like there was no way he'd still be up and about after what The Hound did to him, but Beric says seriously "it's not getting any easier you know, every time I come back... I'm a bit less... pieces of you get chipped away" and Thoros just says caringly "I know" and then Arya asks him "could you bring back a man without a head?" and they both look at each other knowing what she means and she looks into the fire almost like shes talking to Allah but knowing it's too good to be true and says "not six times, just once" like it's unfair this guy got so many new chances at life but a man as great as her father didn't get one and they assure her "he's at rest now, somehow, I would never wish my life upon him" but Arya says "I would, you're alive"
then with the other muslims we see the Red Lady saying a prayer for protection to a fire and the flames seem to lick at her hands painfully, but then the camera pans up and it's actually not her? it's some older woman, but Stannis still comes in and she says "I have prayed for days and nights you'd come to me" and he awkwardly says he meant to come sooner but she says "The Lady Melisandre has told me everything" and judging from how uncomfortable Stannis is I guess maybe he's meant to knock her up if she's a less powerful witch so they can get some like shitty baby smoke monster or something and she tries to assure him of his destiny as Allah's chosen one and aaaaah it's his wife, he confesses "I have broken a sacred vow... I've sinned, I've wronged you, I have shamed you" looking down squeezing his eyes shut not wanting to hurt his wife but he still admits "The Red Lady... The Lady Melisandre..." but she says she already told her everything, and tells the amazed Stannis that "no action done in the name of The Lord of Light can ever be a sin, when she told me I wept with joy!" wow some real muslim shit there alright, down to encouraging cuckqueans, and then she goes over to HER THREE STILL BORN FETUSES THAT SHE KEEPS PRESERVED IN JARS WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCKEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 45
alright I thought she was just really dedicated to the cause or something but this bitch be crazy and she says to the tanks "ooh my sweet boys" and starts saying a prayer and Stannis cringes at the sight of his wife being so obviously mentally ill and she tells him "I thank god every day for Melisandre for coming to us, she gave you a son" I hope someone told her her husband didn't actually get to have a child but his son was a fucking smoke monster t-3000 nanomachine thing lmao, and he tries to speak but she starts crying "I gave you... nothing!" and he assures her "that's not true" and then she starts saying that he needs to keep away from distractions but Stannis growls "she's my daughter! Iw ant to see her" and his wife looks down sadly but tells him "you are a king, you dont need my permission" and he walks upstairs to a room where he hears a little girl singing about how "the birds have scales and the fish take wings" hmmm and when he enters she rushes to hug him and he looks around at her room that she's seemingly locked in, and this was before the internet so that was actually a bad thing and when she looks up at him lovingly we see SHE'S GOT SOME FUCKED UP LIZARD SCALES ON HER FACE honestly it doesn't look that bad but I guess superstitious retards hate her so they have to keep her condition a secret and considering Dany's stillborn child was described as being lizardlike perhaps Stannis' wife is afflicted with the same curse where the baby boys are stillborn mutants and if Dany had a girl she'd be alive but still have a bit of the ol lizard monster in her
and Stannis looks down lovingly at his daughter and they talk about him losing his battle which makes her sad for him and she asks for "the Onion Knight" who he says fought bravely, sighing as he remembers he had to lock up his best friend, and his daughter keeps asking "why hasn't he come to visit me, he said he'd bring me a present from the capital, he's my friend" and shows the guilty Stannis a toy boat Davos made for her, but she tells him not to tell her mother since she doesn't like the Onion Knight but Stannis, ever the dutiful, grits his teeth and tells her "Ser Davos is a traitor, he's rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime" and she looks down upset, probably figuring she just doesn't understand the adult world yet but little does she know it's just as arbitrary and retarded as it seems, and Stannis cringes at upsetting his daughter and just awkwardly says "best forget him" and scurries out the room, ironic, he's brave in battle but can't face a crying girl, pottery tbh
and then we see, o-oh my, Brie in a big bathing pool scrubbing her q-quite n-nice skin and then she suddenly hears "not so hard, you'll scrub the skin off" which makes me think of that gay porn meme where the dude tells the other dude that sometimes he pulls his penis so much the skin tears since I am gay and think of gay men instead of naked women, just kidding it's way worse than that, I think of memes, and she looks up with a start to see Jaime stumbling in, acting more confident after proving his mettle to himself again from his painful procedure, and he tells the guard to help him out of his rags as if he's entitled to even his enemies service, and orders him to leave, and the young man does, and Brie looks up a bit surprised at how Jaime can seem to command almost anyone and is now getting his fucking cock out alone with her and when he starts coming towards her tub she squeals "there's another tub!" and rushes to put her brush down but then realizes she doesn't want to stand up naked in front of him and Jaime, almost as if he wants to reassert his masculinity to himself by making the clearly vulnerable Brie who's huddled up in the corner probably from just almost getting gang raped uncomfortable with their nudity, and while making sure he doesn't put his stump in the water he tells the scared Brie "don't worry, I'm not interested, if I faint pull me out, I don't intend to be the first Lannister to die in a bathtub" and Brie looks up more comfortable now that he's made it clear he's still so weak and not in the mind for any rapeanigans and Brie sneers "why should I care how you die?" and Jaime reminds her "you swore a solemn vow, remember? you're supposed to get me to King's Landing in one piece" and he looks angrily at his stump and says "not going very well is it? no wonder Renly died with you protecting him" and oh my! BRIE STANDS BOLT UPRIGHT NAKED IN FRONT OF JAIME
and glares at him ready to fight, shame we didn't get to see her tits since she's done nude modelling before so I could fap to it, and Jaime's shocked by her sudden forthrightness and tries his usual manipulating spiel of pretending to be revealing some respect and says "that was unworthy, forgive me, you protected me better than most" but Brie is onto his bullshit by now and says "don't you mock me" but Jaime looks up and says "I'm apologizing, I'm sick of fighting, let's call it a truce" as if he actually means it and he is actually being genuine for once rather than just pretending to drop the smug attitude but Brie tells him "you need trust to have a truce" and Jaime tries to tell her pathetically "I trust you" and Brie just sits down awkwardly knowing she's not going to fight a cripple and Jaime sneers "that's the look, I've seen it for 17 years, on face after face, you all despise me, Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, a man without honor" nah I'm pretty sure it's because you're an evil arrogant cunt but close enough, and he looks depressed this time at his stump as if he's only just processing it and asks "you heard of wildfire? the Mad King was obsessed with it, he loved to watch people burn, the way their skin blackened and blistered and melted off their bones, he burned lords he didn't like, he burned Hands who disobeyed him, he burned anyone who was against him, before long half the country was against him, Aerys saw traitors everywhere, so he had his pyromancer place caches of wildfire all over the city, beneath the Sept of Baelor and the slums of Flea Bottom, under houses, stables, taverns, even beneath the Red Keep itself" and Brie's eyes instantly snap up the way a soldiers do when learning of new pertinent tactical information which if I remember one of the season finales I downloaded just to shitpost about it on /tv/ comes in handy for a certain other smug cunt later on (I love how all the different families have their own general personalities which is very realistic, usually in fiction people make characters related that don't really have anything in common and it's not very believable they were raised by the same parents, but this show gets that right)
and he goes on "finally the day of reckoning came, Robert Bathereon marched on the city after his victory at the Trident, but my father arrived first, with the whole Lannister army at his back, promising to defend the city against the rebels, I knew my father better than that, he's never been one to pick the losing side, I told the Mad King as such, I urged him to surrender peacefully, but the King didn't listen to me, he didn't listen to Varys who tried to warn him, but he did listen to Grand Maester Pycelle, that grey sunken cunt, "you can trust the Lannisters" he said, "the Lannisters have always been true friends of the crown" so we opened the gates and my father sacked the city" seems like Tywin probably paid off Pycelle to have him enter just so he can rob the place and get on the winning sides good side and he goes on "once again I came to the King begging him to surrender" and Jaime get's this agonized look on his face like every time in his life he tries to do the right thing it ends horrible for him as he says "he told me to bring him my father's head... then he turned to his pyromancer "burn them all" he said, "burn them in their homes, burn them in their beds" tell me if your precious Renly commanded you to kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men, women and children burned alive would you have done it? would you have kept your oath then?" with extreme anger on his face as he reveals the real reason he hates hypocritical morality so much, not to excuse himself being bad to others but because others wont let him be good
and his voice goes low as he says "first... I killed the pyromancer, and then when the King turned to flee I... drove my sword into his back "burn them all" he kept saying "burn them all"" so what he told Robb was actually true, it's just not as cool as he pretended it was, and he almost starts crying as he explains "I don't think he expected to die, he meant to burn with the rest of us and rise again, reborn as a dragon to turn his enemies to ash" to the horrified Brie as he adds "I slit his throat to make sure that didn't happen, that's where Ned Stark found me" and looks like he's just unburdened himself so much it's almost orgasmic and Brie asks with teary eyes but also pained like she's scared even this might be bs "if that is true, why didn't you tell anyone?" and Jaime basically writhes around in the mental anguish that even someone as well meaning as Brie doesn't trust him spilling his soul "why didn't you tell Lord Stark?" and Jaime growls "Stark? you think the honerable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? he judged me guilty the moment he set eyes on me" I guess Ned just assumed Jaime was only saving his own skin by siding with the winning army and only at the last possible second like a literal back stabbing coward which is the real reason Jaime resentedhim and Jaime growls like the suffering of his life is poisoning him "by what right does the wolf judge the lion?" knowing full well Ned's hands were as bloody as his and he collapses forward murmuring "by what right?" as Brie catches him and screams "help! the Kingslayer!" and as Jaime passes out he insists "Jaime, my name is Jaime" finally rejecting the aloof selfish narcissist persona the world has put on him, damn I love all the Lannister characters they are all so well written, other than maybe Joffrey who's a bit of an over the top spoiled brat nightmare teen sort of character, but all of these characters who might be their usual surface level tropes, Tywin being the big evil warlord, Cersei being the bitter evil queen, Jaime being the arrogant evil Knight and Tyrion being the, well, impish trickster, all have depth you rarely find in genre media never mind anywhere else, where Tywin really does seem like someone who's lived every facet of their life to be the fittest possible person for that position and what horrible effect that would have on himself and those around him, that Cersei almost seems strong for being bitter from having such good reason to be so from her shit life, that Jaime would be a hero if given any other father and hates himself more than anyone else and Tyrion only tries to outsmart everyone around him because it's the only way he could survive such a fucked up cruel family
then we see Davos being woken up by Stannis' daughter who tells him to be quiet to not wake up one of the guards she seems to have been spying on until he passed out from drinking too much and he tries to get her to go back to her room but she wants to know if he's really a traitor and he knows it'll just make things worse to not let her think everything's as ok as it can get and says "I am, I disobeyed my king, your father, and now I'm paying the price" so she doesn't go causing any trouble for him but she still says "I don't care, you're my friend" and Davos looks at her sadly like he doesn't want to have to hurt such a sweet girls feelings and she gives him a book to read and starts excitedly telling him about how it's about the Targaryans and their dragons who used to live in this castle as if she doesn't get how serious a situation this is and Davos tries to be nice to her but I am pretty sure lies that he can't read and tries to get her to leave but she refuses and says "why? what are they gonna do? lock us in cells?" referring to her own captive life and Davos laughs at her high spirits despite her tragic circumstances and Davos gives in, knowing Stannis won't do anything too bad to her and missing being a father himself, and lets her read to him but she actually starts explaining how to read it to him and he looks up in wonder at how lovely this girl is that she'd try to help him learn a new lifeskill rather than just do the easy thing of reading it for him
and as she reads out the full title of the book about the Targaryans conquerors of Westeros we cut to the Unsullied army marching through this lovely half-desert half-tropic environment with Dany and her Dothraki people amongst them
and Jorah and Barry are discussing war stories and they namedrop our other friend Thoros of Myr being the first in the door of a siege with that flaming sword of his, ah Jaime mentioned him in the first season, I just assumed the sword was on fire, you know, naturally, but now we know he actually does have like fucking fire powers lmao, and Barry laughs remembering that "madman" and asks if that's when Jorah was knighted by Robert and Jorah admits "proudest moment of my life" but as Rob said the words "all I could think about was how badly I needed to piss, 16 hours in full plate armor, never occurred to me until the battle was over, I was very nearly the first man knighted to piss on the King's boots" much to Barry's amusement as if he can relate to how everything else goes out the window during a fight but assures him "Robert would have laughed, he was a good man, a great warrior... and a terrible King, I burned away my years fighting for terrible kings" and as if to support Jaime's feelings on the matters Jorah reminds him "you swore an oath" and Barry says "and a man of honor keeps his vows, even if he's serving a drunk or a lunatic, just once in my life before it's over, I want to know what it's like to serve with pride in someone I believe in" and asks "do you believe in her?" and Jorah looks over at Dany and says "with all my heart" yeah he meant is she a good person not if she makes your dick hard you fucking beta orbiter
and then we cut to Dany talking to the slavegirl who introduces her to the Unsullied officers who don't seem to be dressed any different from the usual rank and file and Dany says to them in their language "you did not choose your life, but you are free men now, and free men make their own choices" this is gonna get awkward when she realizes that in every military to ever exist you have to, you know, punish your men if they don't follow your orders, even in the modern west we have only just gotten over the death penalty for disobeying orders shit they still practice in some of the world, and she asks "have you selected your own leader from amongst your ranks?" I guess they look no different since they've only just been chosen as representatives or something but they all turn in formation to reveal a single man who puts his spear down and removes his helmet on Dany's command revealing a young half-black looking man who gives his name as Grey Worm, shame his own grey worm is missing so he can't BLACK.COM Dany, and the slavegirl explains "all Unsullied boys are given new names when they are cut, Grey Worm, Red Flea, Black Rat, names that remind them what they are: vermin" so a disgusted Dany insists "from this day forward, you will choose your own names, choose the name your parents gave you or another, a name that gives you PRIDE" but Grey Worm insists "Grew Worm gives me pride, it is a lucky name, the name this one was born with was cursed, that was the name he had when he was taken as a slave, but Grey worm is the name this one had... the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free" wow very deep, shame you 8K guys didn't get the bright idea to just rush the 20 odd guys holding you captive huh?
then we cut to Jorah explaining "King Robert wanted her dead" and Barry says "of course, she's the last Targaryan" and Jorah asks "I suppose no one on the Small Counsel could speak sense to him?" but Barry wasn't allowed to sit on it since "I killed a dozen of Robert's friends during the rebellion" oooh awkwaaaaaard but that was fine by him since "always hated the politics" and Jorah agrees "all those hours spent jabbering about backstabbings and betrayals the world over" ain't nothing changed in 2019 mate, but he laments Dany will have to "wade through that much if she's to rule the 7 kingdoms" but Barry assures him "she'll have good men around her" which is unfortunately can't include Jorah as he admits he sold men into slavery but then he points out that he was protecting Dany from Robert's assassins when he was still bowing to the man and reveals that he doesn't trust him yet but Barry assures him they'll both do whatever it takes to serve Dany and Jorah can tell he's threatening him too, perhaps reminding him how easy it is to convince a leader one of their men ha turned on them and needs the ol chop chop the head treatment, and tells him "you're not Lord Commander here, you're just another exile, and I take my orders from the Queen" and rides off with a smug look
then we see Robb's wife trying to get him to come to bed as he worries over his map of Westeros with chess pieces showing his precarious situation of having the Lannister's lions and the Tyrelle's roses down south with his wolves in the middle and the Greyjoys squids still holding a lot of the North and he throws down one of the chess pieces saying "you were right, the Karstarks are gone, almost half our forces, Tywin Lannister knows what he needs to do to make us unravel: nothing, only wait" as I'm sure Tywin knows that line from The Art of War where you should never interrupt your enemy when they are making mistakes, and Robb asks her what he should do since they can't attack Kingslanding successfully and she suggests taking the North back from the Greyjoys and waiting out the winter but he says it could last five years and his Bannermen would lose the motivation to ride south again without a purpose, so she suggests a new purpose, but admits she doesn't know, she cant even find Winterfell on his map, but that's just what he needed to hear, to feel important describing the map to her, but then he gets a Brain Blast™ like from House that "wait... if I cant force them to meet us in the field, and I can't attack them where they're strongest... but I can attack them where they're not: Casterly Rock can't run away, I'm going to take their home away from them!" and moves one of his wolf pieces over their homeland and says "I need men to replace the Karstarks who marched home, there is only one person with that kind of army who hasn't already sided with the Lannisters... the man whos daughter I was supposed to marry: Walder Frey" ooh awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaard, good thing they kept their marriage secret, would be funny if all this was just an elaborate plot by Robb to be able to cheat on his wife lmao
then we see Sansa and her new bestie Marg sitting in the lovely colorful gardens watching Loras train in sword fighting with another soldier on the grass and Sansa starts angling for when they might... you know... and Marg says "I'll plant the seed as soon as I and Joffrey are married" and Sansa whines about how Joffrey wont let her leave as Loras disarms his sparring partner but Marg says he would if it pleases her with a smirk and the we see Loras meeting a new squire bringing him a drink and helping him with his armor and catches the guy flirting with him
and uhhh whats the nice way of saying this, this guy looks obviously gay which is probably why he took the role, unlike Loras who's probably straight in real life, it's not homophpbic to say that since AIs can literally tell if you're gay from facial recongition tech lmao, and Loras looks over and smiles at his sister probably knowing full well she arranged for this guy to be his squire, probably as a reward for going along with Varys and her grandmothers plan to marry him off to Sansa before CIA can get his hooks into her, and as soon as the squire says "I should like to see you spar with a proper partner ser" we cut to them in bed having just had sex and Loras asks how he knew he was into guys even his soon to be wife has no idea and the squire gets nervous as he seems to know the marriage is even more of a sham than that but doesn't know if it's ok to say so says "they rarely do, in my experience" and Loras and breathlessly asks "you have a great deal of experience do you?" I guess asking him if he's bi but the guy replies "with their husbands" oh scandalous and they roll back into bed with Loras grabbing the guys ass, nice
but oh shit, it wasn't Marg who sent the squire... IT WAS CIA! and the squire is actually one of his working boys, and he spills the goss that "it seems our Knight of Flowers is engaged to be wed" and CIA asks "is he? and... who's the lucky girl?" sitting back with a frown as if he already knows and then we cut to him sneaking up on Sansa watching his ship come in and startles her by saying "she may not be the grandest ship in the world or the fastest but she's mine, I've always wanted a ship, but now I want a dozen, strange isn't it? it doesn't matter what we want, once we get it then we want something else" and Sansa looks away shook realizing her escape plan has been rumbled as CIA notes "your hair is different... Lady Margery wears it that way" and Sansa gets more uncomfortable as he makes it more clear he's got her number but then he starts manipulating her again asking her if she still wants to come as "it's not a question o what I want, it's what you want, you want to go home don't you?" tempting her with seeing her family again and making her think it's her choice and Sansa makes her decision and says "more than anything, but maybe it's better to wait" and CIA stares at her trying to hide his annoyance at this little thot turning down his offer to bring her away from this madness and Sansa cowboys the fuck up and says "I've just been thinking about how dangerous it could be, not just for me but for you, you've been so kind, I'd feel terrible if anything happened to you" getting more and more cheeky as she goes along so at first it seems like she's really trying to seem that caring but then lets him know that no actually she could grass him up and have him killed whenever she wants and CIA gets the picture and growls "I cant tell you how touched I am by your concern for my welfare.... I hope you know I'm your friend Sansa, your true friend" as if reminding her she cant trust anyone else her (either) and then tells her to call him "Petyr" (it's got a y so it's a fantasy name!!!!) and tells her she can stay if she wishes and kisses her hand and promises "we'll speak again when I return" with a malicious glint in his eye like it's a treat and walks off leaving her gasping in relief that he's gone and she doesn't have to poker face anymore, good shit, I love the CIA vs. Varys content so much
and then we see Tyrion coming into work and is shocked to find that the very smug Cersei is at the Small Council table with his father so he hops up on the chair and plops his book down and boasts "you'll be pleased to learn that after one conversation with Olenna Tyrell, I've saved the crown hundreds of thousands on this wedding" and Cersei smirks at him knowing what her father's about to say as he grumbles "never mind that now we have something important to discuss" as if he knows at this level money's all bullshit fraud anyway and a humiliated Tyrion insists "I'm the Master of Coin, saving money is important" as Cersei just stares at him grinning and Tyrion snaps "stop that! you're making me uncomfortable" in a way siblings would only ever talk and Cersei just turns up the smug another notch as their father says "your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Ser Loras" and Tyrion says "very well, she's a lovely girl, missing some of Loras' favorite bits but I'm sure they'll make do" maybe they can get he a strap-on or something (just kidding pegging is NOT gay) and Tywin just maddogs him and says "your jokes are not appreciated" and Tyrion tries to meme "it wasn't my best but" but Tywin cuts him off starting to rant about them undermining him by trying to steal "the key to the North" as if Sansa is just an object to try to control and Tyrion needles "I seem to recall she has an older brother" and Tywin announces "the Karstarks have marched home, the Young Wolf has lost half his army, his days are numbered, Theon Greyjoy murdered both his brothers, that makes Sansa Stark heir to Winterfell and I am not handing her over to the Tyrell's" but Tyrion insists, having been pretty much bribed by the granny, "the Tyrell army is helping us to win this war, do you really think it's wise to refuse them?" and Tywin says as if it's as simply and easy as it comes "there is nothing to refuse, this is a plot" and he's not a paranoid person since that implies irrationality, he just can genuinely sense any bullshit coming at him from a mile away and knows the most efficient way to deal with it, and he goes on "and plots are not public knowledge and the Tyrells won't carry this one out until after Joffrey's wedding" hehehe yeah after I'm sure, or maybe it's him that mercs all the Tyrells, I don't seem to recall Loras being alive in the future, uh oh, and Tywin does the killing baby hitler meme and says "we need to act fast and kill this union in it's crib by finding Sansa stark a different husband" and Tyrion grumbles "wonderful" as his job just got way harder and this nice girl he wants to protect is probably going to end up worse and Cersei breathlessly says "yes it is" as if she's about to cum from seeing her brother humiliated by their father over and over again and every woman he tries to protect getting fucked over by him and Tyrion looks like he's about to burst into tears from his sisters bullying and looks at his father with watering eyes and pursed lips
and Tywin just tilts his head like he's expecting his pathetic son to start crying at any second and Tyrion starts whining "you cant mean it" and Tywin, summarising his character, says "I can and I do" like this matter doesn't actually matter at all and Tyrion keeps whining "Joffrey's mad this poor girl's life miserable since the day he took her father's head" and Cersei smiles as if for once she's glad of her sons sociopathy and her brother goes on "now she's finally free of him and you give her to me that's just cruel!" as if he has that low an opinoin of himself, wait, ah I missed that... that's why Cersei's so smug, he himself is going to be what keeps her trapped in this hellhole, how awful, and Tywin just asks "do you intend on mistreating her? the girls happiness is not my concern nor should it be yours" and does that thing old men do where their eyes dart about as their eyes no longer automatically focus on something as their minds wander and Tyrion bursts out with "she's a child!" but Cersei says "she's already flowered I can assure you, we've discussed it at length" and Tywin concludes "there, see? you will wed her, bed her and put a child in her, surely you're capable of that?" bringing up his sons lecherous nature and Tyrion's brows furrow as he realizes this is probably Cersei's idea just to make his life even worse and he defiantly asks "and if I refuse?" and Tywin can't believe this little shit being such a faggot and confronts him with "you wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle, Sansa Stark is a finer reward than you could ever dare hope for and it is past time you were wed" and Cersei sits there loving it and Tyrion snaps "I was wed! or don't you remember?" and Tywin growls "only too well" at his sons disgrace of being so dumb as to marry a whore and Cersei leans forward to rub it in "you should be thanking the Gods for this, Sansa Stark is more than you deserve"
but seeing his useless cunt daughter a bit too pleased with herself Tywin says "Tyrion will do as he's bid... and so shall you" she gets shook and asks "what do you mean?" and Tyrion drops the second bombshell "you shall marry Ser Loras" uuuuh ooooooooooooh and Cersei bricks it and whines "I will not" but Tywin explains "the boy is heir to Highgarden, Tyrion will secure the North, you will secure the Reach" and she whines "I wont do it!" and Tyrion just says "oh yes you will" as if he's talking to a 5 year old and then looks off and says "you're still fertile, you need to marry again and breed" as if the most intimate parts of his children's lives are just another piece to move around his chessboard and Cersei cries "I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare!" as this is the crux of her resentment, having to be a woman in this horrible world and horrible family where her only value is her womb, and Tyrion screams at her "YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER!!!" as if that makes her his property, not for being a woman, but because his whole family are just his pieces or order around the board
and Cersei does the same mannerism as Jaime, which is an amazing touch if this is something they did on purpose, where she writhes her head around as if she's trying to shake out the negative thoughts poisoning her, and he demands "you will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell and put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all" and Cersei stares in horror as she remembers her father probably knows full well his son and daughter FUCK and she pathetically begs "father, don't make me do it again please" like the scared little girl she is deep down as she hated being given to Rob like a piece of property to avoid getting raped by nightly but Tywin slams his hand on the table and declares "not another word!" and he stands up to observe "my children... you've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long" and storms off leaving his two degenerate loser spawn and Tywin sits there seething as if he wants to fucking hang himself and Cersei glares at him like he'll wish he fucking did when she starts taking this rage inside her out on him, damn I love this family, and there's a parting kino shot of them sitting in their misery as the lion sigil bears over them in the foreground like the curse of their family's name is coming to devour them, and then over the credits we were Stannis' daughter singing her song again as if to carry on the themes of fathers treating their daughters badly, both have it easy tbh at least they're not lisa
Game of Thrones 3x06: "The Climb" all according to keikaku special edition
First aired: May 5, 2013
alright there's no way I'm going to get this thread done on time if I keep spergerly transcribing and discussing every line of dialog which is for some reason really pleasurable I'm going at a rate of one episode a day now and need to get back to two so I'll need to suppress my autism uuuugggggggghhhhhhhh alright thank fuck first scene is a Sam scene so I can just briefly summarise it this useless fat retard who's been training in tundra survival for like 2 years now with half of it being in-field cannot build a fire to save his life, literally and has to have Gilly tell him how to do it and he explains that he used to have servants growing up, I guess that's understandable since he did mention his father refusing to give him his incoherence which poor people wouldn't worry about, and he shows Gilly the dragonglass dagger, inb4 this is like the ultimate final weapon to kill the White Walkers final boss or something, and he tells her The Wall is bigger than they say and made of ice which can't be accurate but maybe this idiot actually believes that and she starts egging him on to sing for her so he sings the baby a song about the 7 gods and it actually works and puts him to sleep, although for a split second due to the baby's mouth being wide open I thought it had died of the cold or something lmao
then with Bran and his friends we see Osha competing over skinning a rabbit she can take apart with her bare hands with the girl who claims to be the better archer and when it devolves into threats Bran tells them to cut it with the toxic femininity and tells Osha not to hate her for holding a knife on her since she did the same thing to him first time they met which she begrudgingly accepts, which is what makes Osha a pretty unique character, she is actually capable of changing rather than everyone else who either denies their flaws or revels in them, while Osha can recognize her shortcomings and just stop doing that, even if she's got a long way to go and is still in the survival mindset she's been in most of her life, and Bran makes the two girls make up, so the girl admits she's faster at skinning rabbits than her and Osha forces herself to tell her she's a good little hunter with a cheeky smile, but they're interrupted by the brother having a seizure in his sleep and his sister goes over and puts a belt in his mouth so he doesn't bite his tongue and she explains to the scared Rickon "the visions take their toll" and Bran looks worried as he realizes that'll be him eventually, and the brother wakes up and says he saw Jon Snow... but "he's on the wrong side of The Wall, surrounded by enemies" nah he's getting laid mate it's fine, stop perving on him with ESP stalking
then with Jon the ginger guy is complaining about how the crows deforested the area close to The Wall but their Warg points out that the Watchmen's numbers are dwindling every year both trying to wind up Jon but he just ignores them and the ginger gf even starts taking the piss out of him for being scared to try to climb all the way up The Wall, and she gives him some climbing shoes made out of animal bones she says she got from a guys who's balls are still hurting (>tfw Yigritte will never ballbust you) but oh she meant from nutting in her so hard as she complains that he didn't eat her out like Jon did, wait did she literally fuck a new guy between being with Jon in the cave and this morning? lmao CUUUUUUCKOOOOOOOOOLD this is why you should have stayed MGTOW mate and she mocks Jon for being uncomfortable "oh I'm Jon Snow I've killed deadmen and Qhorin Halfhand but I'm scared of naked girls!" lmao and then memes on him for trembling like a leaf when they started having sex, probably me irl when I lose my virginity at age 50 tbh, but she admits that she's realized he didn't stop being a crow the day he walked into Mance's tent, and he bricks it, but neither side cares if either of them die, and she's fine knowing he'll be loyal to her (sounds like some bs and she's just manipulating him for Mance) and he promises he will and she says "you better, cause I'll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it round me neck"EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 46 alright that triggered my terrible taste in women and now I like her lmao
and Jon does his signature move of gawping at her gormlessly when the ginger nut comes up and gives him an ice axe and tells him to make sure he gets it in before taking his next step and if he falls not to scream so it's not the last thing his gf remembers, right, thanks
then we see Arya with the Brotherhood in the woods practising with her bow and arrow against a literal strawman, no see, what you do with that is ask why it's so anti-semitic and she's doing her edgy mantra of listing out all the people she wants revenge on and the archer guy tells her "you're good... but not as good as you think you are" and Arya says "face, tits, balls, I hit them right where I wanted to" wow edgyyyyyy but he criticises her rate of fire (which I've heard (in a youtube video) that well trained archers used to be able to fire at a rate of 4 APS (Arrows Per Second)) and tells her not to hold the string back as it makes your muscles tense up and she's like "but I have to aim" and he's like "never aim 4Head" as "your eye knows where it wants the arrow to go, trust your eye", which is true, humans (well men more than women lmao) are extremely good at estimating trajectories because we evolved using spears, slings and bows to hunt moving targets to the extent that they've done experiments where someone has a baseball player throw the ball over them into the seats of a stadium and without being allowed to see or hear where the ball landed when they turn around most people can intuitively estimate almost exactly which seat out of tens of thousands it probably hit which is why people find firearms unintuitive to use since your brain wants you to do things like overcompensate in front of a moving target or upwards on a distant target when using a projectile weapon because your brain didn't evolve to handle one travels through the air practically instantly and indefinitely, anyway she gives it a go and I guess it works better than expected because she realizes "there's someone out there"
and the archer takes her bow and goes and holds up these people on horseback and we see that it's some guards and, oh shit, THE RED LADY, and she greets her fellow actual pyromancer Thoros with "Valar Morghuilis" and he gives us a new meme "Valar Dohaeris" and he IDs her in some foreign language as a priestess of R'hllor, which I guess is one name for their one seemingly actually true god (Allah), but she grills him about failing the mission "The High Priest" gave him, to convert King Robert, which he handwaves away with "you worship him your way, I worship him my way" I guess he got dragged into the bullshit in Westeros where it's not as simple as converting the king like maybe it is in the east where they have more isolated city states than competing kingdoms it seems, and he asks "do you speak the Common tongue?" which like in every high fantasy world just so happens to be English because "my friends here don't speak High Vylerian" like them and conveniently Dany can, and he takes her to see Beric in his literal mancave he apologizes for "not seeing many ladies these days" and Thoros memes "lucky for the ladies" as the Red Lady inspects his scars and she realizes what's happened and when Thoros tells her how many times he's pressed Q (E in the new Westeros update) to rez him even she can't believe it but he boasts in Vylerian that Allah blessed him, despite his degeneracy and him totally losing his faith, when he needed to heal Beric from The Mountain's killing blow, not even expecting it to work but just because he was his friend he wanted back, and the Red Lady looks at him in amazement as if she's figuring maybe Beric is the Chosen One and not Stannis, and she asks him if he's been to "the other side" but Beric says "there is no other side, I've been to The Darkness, My Lady" which I guess means maybe there's no afterlife in GoT, maybe not even a soul, and when you're brought back your brain just reboots magically or something, and the Red Lady says she came because they have someone Allah needs, hmmm, then outside the archer is showing Gentry his "bodkin point" arrows that can penetrate plate armor at 200 yards, ok now make HEIAP (high-explosive incendiary/armor-piercing ammunition) arrow heads mate, and he asks if he can make him more and Gentry examines it with his blacksmiths eye and says he just needs decent steel, and Arya tells them she doesn't like the Red Lady, and the archer jokes "that's because your a girl" and Gentry laughs, I guess admitting men are easily swayed by her because she's a gorgeous woman in the way that men retardedly think is a good thing, but Arya doesn't get it and gets triggered about being left out for her sex and snaps "what does that have to do with anything?" but they come up and Beric says "forgive me lad" as her men... seize Gentry! and Arya screams at them to let him go and Beric says Allah wants him and she's like "did the Lord of Light tell you that... or did she?" and the Red Lady glares at her as she sees through her bullshit unlike all these enamored horny retards, and we see Thoros is literally staring at the Red Lady's arse during this lmao, and her men actually bring Beric some sacks of gold much to Arya's disgust that "you're not doing this for your god, you're doing it for gold" and Thoros excuses it as for the war effort, and when Gentry screams that he wanted to be Brotherhood the Red Lady tells him he'll be much greater "they are just foot soldiers, you will make kings rise and fall" and he bricks it realizing she knows his secret lineage, I suppose her angle is if Stannis can get this guy on his side they can just put him on the throne and have his uncle act through him or something, and Arya accosts the Red Lady and accuses her of hurting her friend but she grabs her face and says "I see a darkness within you, and in that darkness, eyes staring back at me, brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, eyes you'll shut forever... we will meet again" and Arya looks down sad knowing she's probably right since she wants to be a Real Nigga when she grows up
then slooooowly climbing up the yes very ice encrusted Wall, which I'm sure can't be all of it all the way through or it'd just melt from being so down south, are the Wildlings are climbing up and Jon looks down and sees the ground seem to reach even further away from him as vertigo kicks in and when he looks up Yigritte says "you staring at me arse Jon Snow?" what a memer but then the ginger guy hacks of a chunk of ice and screams WATCH OUT as IT SMACKS JON RIGHT IN THE FACE SENDING HIM FALLING OFF, PULLING HIS ROPE OFF THE WALL but thankfully he's tied to his friends and the rope catches him and he manages to axe back onto The Wall and the ginger yells down "just saying if you can take a hit lad!" wow nice one retard, keep in mind Jon is literally tied to you by a rope, so I guess he was just memeing and didn't really do it on purpose and I have to say uhhhh in the close-ups here the ice is very obviously not ice but a shitty fake set using styrofoam or something lmao
then we cut to someone blowing a horn making it go BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ christ I'm getting flashbacks of the vuvuzelas from the Rio 2016 olympics and poor Theon is woken up, still strapped to the torture rack, by the young man blasting a hunting horn at him, and the young man memes "sorry? were you sleeping?" and when Theon tries to beg for water the guy says "I wish I had some for you" and pours a mug of it out on the floor staring intently at Theon's miserable reaction and he goes full Jigsaw like "so, let's play a game" *Saw theme music starts up* "with body part do you need the least?"
and when Theon begs him "please" he memes "uh please is not a body part" and Theon swears "I'll tell you everything please" and the young man, fuck it I'll just look up his name, what is it again, ah yes, Ramsay, I'll remember that because he likes to torture people like Gordon Ramsay, memes "but... you've already told me... everything, remember?" and starts mocking him in a baby voice "your daddy was mean to you? the Starks didn't appreciate you?" as if he thinks he's so pathetic and Theon hangs his head in shame that he told his tormentor his greatest weaknesses, perhaps the main reason why Ramsay did all that, to get his trust so he'd willingly open up to him, but also... "one good bit though, the Stark boyyyyyssssss, they're still alive" uh ooooooooh, god I can't believe this dumb storyline is still going, it was so obviously not them from day one, and Ramsey hisses "wouldn't that be a hunt to remember?" and he starts poking Theon and playfully slurs his words like he's got a childish sense of fun about it all "you failed, but I'm a better hunter than you" and starts teasing Theon "now how about your little finger? you don't need that for much do you? no? good, let's start with that" and looks at Theon with a deranged wide-eyed grin as he get's to show his true face, but when Theon doesn't respond I guess because his real personality is so over the top he thinks he's fucking with him or something Ramsey starts acting like a normal person, well, normal ruthless torturer, and calmly says "you've been wondering why you're here, haven't you? where you are... who I am... why I'm doing this to you" as if he's heard these questions all before and he straps Theon's hand to the rack so his fingers are exposed and tells him "so guess, if you guess right, I'll tell you, by the Old Gods and the New, I swear it, you win the game if you can figure out who I am and why I'm torturing you, and I win the game if you beg me to cut off your finger!" and he can't hold back his joy by the end of his spiel and starts grinning and speaking manically again, and Theon asks "if I win... you'll let me go?" and Ramsey goes up to his face and says threateningly that devolves into manic again "if you think this has a happy ending... you haven't been paying attention"
which I feel like is the writers, at least in season 3, talking directly to the audience about the nature of the show, and I'm gonna be mad if it doesn't hold true to the actual ending, and when Theon just starts whining "please" Ramsey takes out a knife and threatens "you say "please" again and you'll wish you hadn't" and Theon tries to stop himself from begging but Ramsey gets bored and says "you first! where are we?" and points his blade at him and Theon starts crying and says "The North" but that's "too vague" so he guesses "Deepwood Motte" which makes Ramsey chuckle as it's a "terrible guess" and then HE MAKES AN INCISION ON THEONS PINKY FINGER and asks again "now, where?" since he just likes torturing people but has ran out of useful intel to gather so is now just asking pointless questions lmao and Theon spits out "Last Hearth" and Ramsey laughs and says "do I look like a fucking Umber to you?!" no since I don't know what the fuck that means and HE MAKES A SECOND INCISION ON HIS FINGER and Theon hollars "Karhold!" and Ramsey stopps and asks him seriously "Karhold? how did you know that? did you see any banners flying when we came in?" and Theon admits "no, it was just a guess" and Ramsey says "very good, Lord Theon, and who am I?" and Theon mutters horseley from screaming "Torrhen Karstark" and Ramsey pretends to get angry and says "he's dead, STRANGLED by the Kingslayer" and Theon realizes "he was your brother, your father is Lord Rickard Karstark" and hangs there trying to put together all these complex alliances in his head but Ramsey just saunters back to his chair and Theon cries "you swore to tell me if I'm right!" and Ramsey sighs and lies "you're right" and Theon concludes "Rickard Karstark is Rob Stark's bannerman... I betrayed Robb... that's why you're torturing me" and Ramsey says "yes... you win" and hunches over looking at the knife disappointed and Theon hangs his head back in relief and then suddenly with a jolt of his chair Ramsey bolts up saying "of course you forgot to ask one question you forgot to ask IF I'M A LIAR" AND HE MAKES A THIRD INCISION ON THEON'S PINKY FINGER AS HE SCREAMS IN PAIN AND TELLS HIM "I'M AFRAID I AM" AND HE STARTS SQUEEZING THE SKIN SO IT PEELS OFF AND SAYS
AND HE STARTS PEELING THE SKIN FROM THEON'S FINGER AND THEON CANT STAND IT AND HOLLARS "PLEASE! CIT IT OFF! CUT IT OFF! CUT IT OFF!" AND SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HIS FINGERS FLESH IS STRIPPED AWAY
and Ramsey stops, moves in front of him, gives a big smile and chirps "I WIN" well if there was ever a character for this meme to be used on it's him EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 47 I guess he just forgot about his "don't say please" rule since he doesn't bring it up again, also I wonder if getting your finger cut off really would be less painful than having it skinned, I supposed so since it would be less nerve endings involved
alright well first of all Iwan Rheon really goes fullhog for this role he's probably been accused of over-acting here but I think it's fitting for the character since he's playing someone who's literally a twisted fucking psychopath but can still regulate his behavoir to appear like the nicest guy you'll ever meet when he's not alone with people he can reveal his true self to so demented mannerisms are kind of called for as he's explicitly two-faced and a capable actor himself so being more understated like the more straight forward antagonists like Tywin or his own father who don't need to modulate their affect for anyone else and I get that this kind of flies in the face of the "heh my characters are morally grey, not one dimensional pure goodies and evil baddies like most fantasy" with "meet Ramsey who is a demented serial killer who likes to spend inordinate amounts of effort and time torturing people for no reason, such nuance, much depth" but if it's realism you want then it's realism you'll get since there really are people like this in real life, yeah they're rare but this is one guy who's overtly just a sadistic purely evil person out of the hundreds of named characters who have more balanced motivations, and while most of the horrors done though out history by the powerful were probably just selfish cunts doing it to maintain their own power they've been a few absolute madlads who just did shit like this for fun even if it threatened to fuck up their own lives, like Elizabeth Bathory who let's be real was probably just butchering all those girls for fun and not for any dumb meme about bathing in their blood as part of a skin treatment, but that brings me to my most important comment on this character: I WISH I WAS FUCKING GAY SO I COULD BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO RAMSEY if only this character was female then they would be my ultimate fucking waifu, I have such bad taste in women that a character like this who's just a 100% evil sadistic monster who loves to destroy people physically and mentally as a hobby would be my dream girl if only they were female, but unfortunately somehow I am not actually unironically gay and these characters are almost always male and if they're female it's some cringe-core "oooh I will seduce youuu" shit the dumb nerds who write shit think a femme fetal needs to be like another trope that doesn't exist in real life and only in dumbass fiction, fucking obviously a woman aggressively coming onto you super hard is suspicious to any man who's not as much of an honorary incel as the kind of neurotic betas who get jobs as script writers, in real life female spies and criminals act innocent and naive so men feel confident in hitting on them and invite them into their lives to manipulate them I really did download this episode when it first came out after seeing it discussed on /tv/ so I could download it's themes into my sexual fantasies unfortunately I can't just jerk off directly to it, maybe I need to watch more anime so I can turn gay and improve my life dramatically
then we see Robb and his advisers having a meeting with two serf looking ass dudes from the Twin Towers over new york, no over the river, who say their alliance will continue if they get a formal apology for violating his sacreed oath... but also Harrenhal, the burnt out castle I think, and Robb agrees but only after the war is over and they don't need it anymore, but there's a third request, and they look awkwardly at the archer guy who's like "uh what? uh no!" as he realizes what's going on as "our father requires Lord Edmure to wed one of his daughters, Roslin" lmaooooooo and the archer asks "how old is she?" and they say "nineteen", hopefully that's a good thing for him and not too old, and he asks "can I see her first?" and her brother grumbles "you wanna count her teeth?" knowing what they think of his ugly ass inbred family and demands that they get married within the fortnight or the alliance ends oh wait... is THAT the red wedding? oh shit, and Robb does the "leave us" meme and watches one of these gimp ass brothers hobble out the room and as soon as they're gone the shit archer guy gets triggered about it and refuses and Cats uncle tries to talk seriously with him but he insists "the laws of god and man are very clear, no man can compel another man to marry" sure that isnt an anti-gay marriage law mate and the uncle guy says "the laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth" lmaooooooo and the archer guy says he's just driving a hard bargain and if he refuses now the guy will let him choose a prettier wife, some Trump style negotiating tactics nice, and everyone busts his balls for haggling in the middle of a war and Robb eventually manages to guilt him into it by saying "you're paying for my sins uncle, its not right, I'll remember it" literally a WRPG
and then at Roose Bolton's dinner table Jaime is furiously trying to cut a stake one-handed since he can't use a knife and fork anymore lmao and Brie is sitting there fuming in a pink dress as Roose notes "I see my men have finally found you something appropriate to wear" like this is some bimbofication fetish porn what an absolute pair and Brie tries to reason with him that they both serve the Starks but Roose points out that Cat was Robb's prisoner last he heard and Brie cant handle Jaime's fiddling anymore and stabs the steak still for him and he surprisingly doesn't get insecure about needing help and just points out that Roose is sitting there watching him "fail at dinner" instead of handing him back to Robb as if he really isn't as vain anymore and is taking this opportunity to improve himself but in a positive way rather than just become more of a cunt like his father's idea of making yourself stronger and Roose says they need the ransom and Jaime plays with his steak knife and says "we both know who'd pay the most" as if he's considering killing this dude but decides against it and adds "or make you pay the most if he finds out you sent me up North for a summary execution" and Roose completely deadpan says it'd be safer for him to just kill them both and burn the bodies and Brie goes for her steak knife but Jaime stops him as it's his silver tongued time to shine and he's trying a more pacifist play style for this chapter and points out his father would find out and Roose taunts with the casual tone of a guy who's used to having people terrified of him that his father doesn't have the time but Jaime's not scared of anyone more than his own father and just threatens back just as casually "he'll make time for you" and Roose sighs seeing that he's speaking to a fellow Real Nigga and grants them safe passage to King's Landing as restitution for his hand, as long as he tells Tywin the truth, that he had nothing to do with his maiming, kind of a dumb play they really need to ransom him before letting him go don't know why all these brainlets are like just take him to the most ruthless family in the country I'm sure they'll be nice to us since a Lannister only pays the debts they agree to I'm sure is a loophole of Tywin's and Jaime offers him some wine to celebrate their agreement but Roose says "I don't partake" and Jaime is like "you do understand how suspicious that is to ordinary people?" lmao as if he's realized this edgy house are a family of fucking weirdos, I guess it's suspicious to normies since it makes it seem like you've got a lot to hide if you don't want to get even a bit drunk, and maybe he's just a healthy living kind of guy but maybe it's more being a sadistic mentalist runs in the family and he tries to restrain himself and knows him lowering his inhibitions wont end well for that, and Jaime pours Brie and himself their wine and blesses their journey, but Roose reveals Brie won't be going with him, uh oh, because she's abetting treason, and Jaime insists but Roose tells him "I'd hoped you'd learned your lesson about overplaying your............... position" almost making a hand quip and Jaime stares at him like if he was back with both his hands he'd snap this guys neck on the spot for disrespecting him but he's not his old self in more ways than one
then we see Tywin meeting with Lady Tyrell who is refusing letting Loras marry Cersei, most likely just driving a hard bargain since their families will be joined anyway, and she's about to talk shit but Tywin cuts her off saying that Cersei is "rich, the most beautiful woman in all seven kingdoms" (could maybe get her teeth straightened a bit) "and the mother of the King" and granny adds "old" and Tywin's like "old?" with as close as he can get to amusement as he clocks this woman as a fellow elderly person who doesn't take shit from anyone and tells it like they see it and Lady Tyrell warns "old, I'm somewhat of an expert on the matter, her change will be upon her soon, I'll spare you the details of what will happen then, you men might have a stomach for bloodshed and slaughter, but this is another matter entirely" but Tywin says "the years punish us as well I promise you that" and based on his next metaphor perhaps he's referring to impotency or something since he says "my stomach is still strong however, the only thing that might turn it are details of your grandson's nocturnal activities, do you deny them?" letting her know up front he knows everything but she goes "oh not at all, A SWORD-SWALLOWER THROUGH AND THOUGH" I guess implying he's exlcusvely gay and Tywin is taken aback by her seemingly not caring one way or the other as now he has no leverage on her and lectures "well a boy with his affliction should be grateful for the opportunity to marry the most beautiful woman in the kingdoms to clear his good name" I guess he's not sexist but maybe he's homophobic although he's probably just mad he can't blackmail her about it if she's not worried about those rumors and she keeps prodding him "did you grow up with boy cousins Lord Tywin? sons of your father's bannermen, squires, stable boy?" and he goes "of course" surprised she'd dare to take this angle with him and she cheekily goes "and you never..." knowing gay experimenting is a deep shame for most men and Tywin glares at her and insists "no" and she just smirks at him and asks as if she's just a harmless old gossip "not once? not in any way?" and Tywin insists "never" as he downs a glass of wine in disbelief and granny memes "I congratulate you upon your restraint, but it's a natural thing, boys having a go at each other under the sheets" trying to get under his skin to see if he's really homophobic and is probably dank enough at manipulation to know what that's usually a tell for (spoilers: getting molested) and Tywin looks off awkwardly and says "perhaps highgarden has a high tolerance for unnatural behavoir"
and Lady Tyrell says "I wouldnt say that, true we don't tie ourselves in knots over a discreet bit of buggery but... brothers and sisters? where I come from that stain would be very difficult to wash out" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHEEEEEEEEIIIIIIT and Tywin snarls "I will not breath further life into a malicious lie by discussing it" and lumps up from his chair glaring at her like he's trying to restrain himself from smacking a bitch and she keeps pushing "lie or not you must admit many people find it quite convincing, convincing enough to put swords in hands and send them off to kill Lannisters and Tyrells, thanks to our new affiliation" and Tywin says, being a man very much of the facts of the matter such as who can win what war rather than fake news like Varys and CIA "I don't care what people believe, and neither do you" calling her out on her bullshit but she just laughs it off saying "as an authority on myself, I must disagree" and Tyrion warns "now if the rumors about my children are true then Joffrey is no King at all and House Tyrell is throwing its price flower into the dirt" implying she better shut the fuck up for her own family's plans sakes but she keeps going "and if Cersei is too old to give Loras children... we're throwing another prized flower into the dirty, it's a chance we simply cannot take" and Tywin just smiles as he's noticed her main weakness "ah, the uncertainty makes you uncomfortable... alright, I'll remove it for you, if you refuse to marry Loras to Cersei, I will name him the Kingsguard, I'm sure you're familiar with the Kingsguards vows, he will never marry, he will never have children, the Tyrell name will fade, and Highgarden will go to the children of Joffrey and Margery" and she tries to call his bluff saying "you would have your grandson protected by someone who disgusts you?" but like he said, he doesn't care what anyone believes, "I would have my grandson protected by a skilled warrior, who takes his vows seriously" since that's the facts of the matter, that Loras is a good fighter and, well, wouldn't have any problem swearing never to marry or have children, and he inks his quill and asks "so, shall I draw up the order, or do you consent to this match?" and smiles at her like your move you cheeky bitch and she just smiles back and compliments him "it's a rare enough thing, a man who lives up to his reputation" and takes the quill away from it... and snaps it, as she probably never had any problem with Loras marrying Cersei, she was just testing Tywin to see if he's really as strong willed as they say, I really like her character, it's great to add a new master manipulator character to the King's Landing mix and one who can even stand up to Tywin since she's well past giving a shit as she's already played her hand in life and had all the kids she'll be able to have while maybe men don't get the same closure in their lives like old women can since a man can be like 100 and still have the fresh concerns of fathering a new child if he's got Chad enough sperm still kicking about
then back on The Wall the squad is still climbing up this shitty prop ice wall and a blizzard has started up around them to make matters worse when Yigritte hammers her axe into the wall and notices... oh shit... it causes a huge crack that starts spreading towards the other squads of wildlings... CAUSING A HUGE AVALANCHE AS THE ICE SHEET CRUMBLES OFF KILLING DOZENS OF WILDLINGS AND IT DRAGS HER AND JON OFF TOO AND THE GINGER NUT STRUGGLES TO GET HIS AXES IN PLACE TO HOLD THEM UP AND HE STARTS SCREAMING IN PAIN FROM THE STRAIN AND THE WARG GUY YELLS UP THEY GOTTA CUT THEM LOOSE BUT THE GINGER HOLLERS "NO!!!" BUT THE WARG GUY TAKES A KNIFE OUT AND STARTS CUTTING THE ROPE TO SACRIFICE THEM SO YIGRITTE STARTS FRANTICALLY SWINGING JON OVER TO A LEDGE THAT HIS AXE JUST BOUNCES OFF BUT WITH ONE MORE SWING HE GETS IT IN PLACE JUST IN TIME AS THE WARG CUTS THE ROPE SENDING YIGRITTE PLUNGING DOWN BUT JON'S ROPE CATCHES HER WITH HIM HOLDING HER UP NOW AND HE STARTS PULLING HER UP JUST BARELY MANAGING TO GRAB HER HAND TO GET HER TO SAFETY AND JON LOOKS UP AT THE WARG SUPER MADDOGGING HIM AND HE JUST SNEERS AND THEY ALL KEEP CLIMBING oof intense shit, that was a good little sort of action adventure scene since instead of just the mortal peril of characters that probably cant die yet it's used for character development, e.g. the ginger guy does actually want Jon alive, the Warg guy doesn't and Yigritte isn't all bark and no bite and is recourseful enough to improvise a way out of a deadly situation and Jon I guess is the player character who just has to do a QTE event to survive another cutscene
then sitting by a pond we see Sansa trying to flirt with Loras by complimenting his rose pin but he's not interested at all and just sits there super awkwardly not looking at her trying to make small talk and then tries to pretend like he's as besotted as she is but it's obviously half-hearted as he tries to talk about the last wedding he went to trailing of when he mentions tournaments, his actual passion in life, besides boypussy, and she looks exactingly at him as he remembers to add "uh and the bride of course" lmao and tells her she'll be the most beautiful bride and Sansa talks about how she can't wait to go to Highgarden.... and leave this place, and they finally connect over him saying "it is a terrible place, the most terrible place there is" as he actually seems like, to pardon the pun, a straight shooter himself, and actually isn't interested in all this palace intrigue shit like I assumed when I mistook Lancel for him, and he really was in love with Renly and probably hates that all this Game of Thrones bullshit is what got him killed
and spying on the young couple who have yet to be informed of the change of plans to suit the Lannister agenda from her usual creeper vantage point is Cersei and Tyrion who asks her "is there anything we can do about this?" and Cersei glares down at both their future spouses and suggests "we can have them both killed" half-hearted since she knows he'd not let her and Tyrion points out "it's hard to tell which of the four of us is getting the worst of this arrangement, probably Sansa, though Loras will certainly come to know a deep and singular misery" and Cersei smirks at his insult and says "father doesn't discriminate, we're all being shipped off to hell together" knowing he doesn't give a fuck about any of their personal lives and just does whatever gets him more power and he accuses "on a ship you built" and Cersei half-heartedly defends "the Tyrells were plotting against us, I did what I did to protect our family" so I guess her attempts to fuck over the Tyrells didn't go as planned, she was probably hoping Tywin would just call off the wedding to Joffrey so they couldn't fuck with them, not cement the alliance even more to avoid any fucking about, and Tyrion tries to argue that he recently saved their family but Cersei agrees his wildfire trick saved the day and Tyrion glares at her like he's figuring she's trying to weasel her way out of the accusation that's coming up since being nice is so unlike her so that must mean she really is guilty and he says "there are only two people in Kings Landing who can give an order to a Kingsguard" and asks her straight up if it was her that tried to have him killed but she clams up, and Tyrion can tell that means she's protecting the second person it could have been, since if it was her she'd be rubbing it in his face, and he sighs "I understand the impulse, he hates me since I'm the only one who tells him who he really is, so fair enough, he wants me dead, but his stupidity, he could have had me poisoned and no one would know, but the King orders a [i]Kings[i]guard to murder the Hand of the King in full view of his army, the boys an idiot" and Cersei cracks and sneers in his face "what do you want me to say?" and he says "I want you to tell me if my life is still in danger" and she just spits out "probably" like it ain't her fucking problem but then she whispers "but not from Joffrey, he wont do anything now father's here" an Tyrion remarks "seven kingdoms united in fear of Tywin Lannister" who I guess really is the scariest one from his ability to project force, the Bolton's might skin you but Tywin will raze your whole fucking town, and Cersei gears up the ol misogyny and says "but not the Tyrells, Joffrey will belong to Margaery, the little doe-eyed WHORE, and so will his children and their children, history will be taken for our hands" with a laugh as if her fathers machinations are going to backfire and the Lannister legacy will be usurped and Tyrion adds "you may escape at least, once Jaime gets back Ser Loras may come down with a terrible case of sword through bowels" and that gets Cersei worrying about where Jaime is Tyrion says "Jaime or not I'm truly fucked" not sure why he's so booty blasted I know he wants whats best for Sansa which isn't staying in that horrible city but maybe he could... you know... not be a fucking brainlet and leave? or at least have his wife stay somewhere else? and Sansa looks out into the gardens again and asks "who's going to tell her?"
then we cut to Sansa looking in a shitty old dirty mirror trying on her dress for Joffrey's wedding with Shae saying her wedding dress will be way better clearly over the moon but asks if they'll let her invite her family and Shae has to break it to her that no, obviously not, and then a handmaiden lets Tyrion in as Sansa covers up and does the ebin "leave us" meme to Shae who actually refuses and Sansa says "I trust her, even though she tells me not to" so Tyrion starts "sometimes, we think we want to hear something and it's only afterwards when it's too late that we realize we'd heard it under entirely different circumstances" seemingly talking more to his secret lover Shae than to Sansa but she just stands there so Tyrion awkwardly shuts the door and mumbles "how to begin? its..... this.... this.... this is awkward"
then we cut to the Iron Throneroom where CIA is staring lovingly at the throne, never allowing himself to steal a seat on it, but sitting beside it as it's the closest he's gotten, and Varys minces up and catches him at his old habit and starts up "a thousand blades... taken from the hands of Aegon's fallen enemies, forged in the firey breaths of Balerion the Dread" but CIA announces "oh there aren't a thousand blades, there aren't even 200... I've counted" which I think is a reference to how it's described as far far bigger, extending all the way up to the roof, in the books, and Varys chuckles and says "oh I'm sure you have, ugly old thing" but CIA hisses "but it has a certain appeal" and Varys comments "the Lysa Arryn of chairs, shame you had to settle for your second choice" pointing at his own chair he's sitting on he's used as Master of Coin comparing it to his future wife and her sister but this is all just apart of CIAs master orbiter plan and promises "early days, my friend, it is flattering really, you feeling such dread at the prospect of me getting what I want" with a smug smile and Varys rolls his eyes and says "thwarting you has never been my primary ambition, I promise you, although who doesn't like to see their friends fail now and then?" as if he might be a conniving cunt of the highest order but at least his goals are pathetically mundane to Varys, wanting the specific wife he wants, and not the future of Westeros, and CIA says "you're so right, for instance when I thwarted your plan to give Sansa start to the Tyrells, if I'm going to be honest, I did feel an unmistakable sense of enjoyment there..."
and he walks down right up to Varys and lets him know with a sadistic grin "but your confidant the one who fed you information about my plans... the one you swore to protect..." and Varys is like n-nani?!?!?! as CIA goes on "you didn't bring her any enjoyment... and she didn't bring me any enjoyment... she was a bad investment on my part... luckily I have a friend who wanted to try something new... something daring... and he was so grateful to me for providing this fresh experience" as he waltzes around the room cockily
and Varys walks right back up to him and insists... with a very flat and unaccented tone, "I did what I did for the good of the realm" as if CIA has shook him enough by doing... something... to his agent that he's dropped the lisping harmless gay guy voice and has in fact shook him so much that he's feeling the need to justify himself as the real good guy there, an uncharacteristic weakness
but CIA grins and glares at him as he senses the weakness and growls with his contempt for this accursed society "the realm? do you know what the realm is? it's the 1000 blades of Aegon's enemies, a story we agree to tell each other over and over, till we forget that it's a lie" and Varys tells him, using his natural voice again, "but what do we have left once we abandon the lie?" as if he genuinely wants to know how CIA can survive with the nihilism he himself has struggled to avoid, but CIA just smirks at him like a cunt, so Varys warns "chaos, a gaping pit waiting to swallow us all" and CIA summarizes his personal philosophy with "chaos isn't a pit... chaos is a ladder"
and we cut to Joffrey sitting with his ornate crossbow staring at something like he doesn't know quite what to make of it as CIA's voice over explains "many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again... the fall breaks them"
as we plan over to reveal that JOFFREY HAS TORTURED ROS TO DEATH BY USING HER BODY FOR CROSSBOW TARGET PRACTICE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 48LOTTA LOYALTY FOR A HIRED WHORE :cia: implying that he's the client CIA was talking about, jesus, just assumed it was some un-named character like all the other edgy clients he's made reference to, I guess this is the rule of threes since the last two scenes when he talked about a client threateningly we didn't ever see them but here we go it's a character we know, and I guess who he's talking about was Ros herself, she tried to get above her station in life by using the chaos of the subterfuge shenanigans in King's Landing to go from whore to spy and it got her dead
and we see Sansa and Shae looking out at CIAs ship and now that she's gotten the news from Tyrion I suppose she's back to considering leaving on it as CIA says in voice over "and some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse, they cling to the realm or the Gods or love" and we cut to Sansa in tears as I guess she watches the ship with his homebrewed hummingbird sigil on the sail leave with CIA on it in the near future since I suppose he's talking about her not taking the opportunity to leave with him during all this match-making chaos and fall for the oh my prince charming will save me delusion Varys tempted her with and he's also mocking Varys there as he's the one who chooses "the good of the realm" as his excuse not to have the balls, pardon the pun, to exploit the chaos like CIA and he sums up all these things as "illusions" very edgy a tip tip my fedora to you my good sir I mean he's sort of right Gods are fictional (at least in our world), what country you're born in is random but the euphoric pretentious thing of saying heh love is just an illusion is only deep if you think love is some sort of supernatural calling and not just your emotions and just as valid as anything else a human wants like power or whatever because of your emotional drives and CIA growls "only the ladder is real, the climb is all there is!" as we see Sansa looking like she's about to vomit she's so upset and angry she's trapped in this hellhole and her one escape chance is sailing away, wow what a scene, both Varys and CIA going mask-off, with Varys dropping the harmless fop act as CIA revealing his true ruthless beliefs is what finally gets under his skin, or maybe that was just him letting him think he'd done so
then speaking of "the climb" to hammer the metaphor home we cut to The Wall where Yigritte is finally struggling to the top with the ginger nut and the Warg with Jon just behind her, seems like our named characters are the only ones who made it, sorry redshirt Wildlings, and Jon lays down in exhaustion and stares up at the eagle that I guess follows the Warg around as the clouds part and let the sun through to illuminate the lovely looking Northern mountains beyond The Wall and Yigritte stares in amazement at the beauty of her homeland as Jon helps her up and takes her to the other side, his homeland, and you know what, it's just as beautiful, really makes ya think, and these two star crossed romeo and juliet lovers kiss atop the boundary of their two worlds, I guess putting a positive spin on CIA's seemingly craven words, that they are putting their realms and gods to the side and climbing the ladder of the chaos in the war situation they find themselves in, both accepting not to really care about either side, for the sake of getting themselves what they want, but that's love, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww inb4 she dies horribly
ok so... hang on... let me get this straight CIA was the one who stopped Sansa being given to Loras? which I guess means that.... jesus christ.... so CIA... so he.... hang on I need some music for this
so Varys got Ros to leak him the ships manifest that showed CIA intended to leave with Sansa so Varys came up with a counter-plan to have her married to Loras, which judging from his comments he concocted not just to mess with CIA but because maybe the more power the Tyrells have with access to The North through Sansa's second-in-line claim the less centralized the power in Westeros is so it isn't exclusively up to the Lannister's to defend against the White Walkers or he thought that would bring peace between the Starks and Tyrells and in turn bring peace between the Starks and the Lannisters so the war ends and they all stop losing forces or whatever, so Varys manipulated Lady Tyrell to manipulate Margaery to manipulate Sansa to marry Loras, which CIA learned about because Cersei asked him to spy on the Tyrells over concerns for their intent to her family, so he sent one of his male prostitutes to seduce Loras and he manipulated him into revealing the wedding plans which CIA confirmed by talking to Sansa and seeing her trying to excuse not wanting to leave now, so he told Cersei of the wedding plans knowing she'd tell Tywin knowing he wouldn't like the Tyrells having access to The North and is the only person in the realm who could coerce Lady Tyrell to call off the wedding, maybe CIA was hoping that would free up Sansa and she'd want to leave him again and was mad at Varys for getting in his way so spite him gave Ros to King Joffrey himself knowing there'd be no possible recourse against the killer he sicked on her, but wait, here's the thing... to know to send that male prostitute to Loras he'd probably be specifically looking for what he was personally involved in since why else would this seemingly quite, pardon the pun again, straight forward pretty boy know of his grandmothers schemes if they don't involve him personally, why not send spies after her or at least Marg, which implies he already suspected the wedding plans, and Varys finding that CIA was taking Sansa away seemed to move quite smoothly for him into a scheme to do what he claims is his main objective of what's best for the realm almost as if he already had that plan in place... so maybe that's why CIA was taking Sansa on the ship in the first place, to take her away from Vary's scheme, but wait yet again, how could he have even known about that scheme? Varys didn't make any moves towards it before getting the manifest... unless of course he hadn't thought of it already, and that manifest actually made him think of it, and CIA was actually manipulating him into trying to set up that wedding, knowing that would make Tywin split up the marriage by marrying them each off to his two eligible children Tyrion and Cersei making them miserable, two people CIA wants revenge on for le ebin rusing him and threatening his life respectively, but also serves him probably better than actually taking Sansa with him since his new wife, Sansa's aunt, would probably just let her go back to her family, but if she stays trapped in King's Landing that's leverage he has over Cat for something she needs his help with, now that he knows Arya is alive and might find her way home and he can't bullshit Cat any longer about knowing where Arya is back when she was presumed dead, and setting up that marriage would probably be Varys most obvious play to keep Sansa in King's Landing since CIA saw first hand at Ned's tournament that Sansa was already attracted to Loras who is a well known eligible bachelor needing a beard and CIA probably already knows Varys wants Westeros to be strong above all else so would go for that inter-marriage, which is why it seemed such a convenient counter-plan for Varys to go for that fits his needs, because CIA set it up and dropped it in his quite spacious lap, hell he worked with Marg to set up her marriage to Joffrey and the whole alliance between their families in the first place, maybe he got her to "plant the seed" as she herself referred to it as of a marriage between Sansa and Loras to her grandmother, who was actually the one to tell Varys of the plan, ah yes, it wasn't even Varys plan in the first place, he just went to Lady Tyrell because she was another powerful person who had interests in Sansa he could maybe ally with, but her only interest with Sansa so far was just because she was asking her what Joffrey was like for her granddaughters sake, perhaps CIA manipulated Marg to manipulate her grandmother to manipulate Sansa so Varys would hear of this meeting and go to Lady Tyrell for her help taking control of Sansa in the first place, and that's why she said the solution was obvious, it wasn't to just kill CIA, it's because Marg already floated that marriage idea to her, and with Varys manipulated to manipulate her there's the situation for Tywin to fuck over his children and actually ensure Sansa is trapped in King's Landing, not free to leave if Loras allowed it since CIA probably knows Tyrion is addicted to the Game of Thrones™ and won't leave if he knows about his risky behavior with Shae through Ros clocking her as a fellow whore, so he can keep leverage over Cat, but this all has to start with Varys reading that manifest, which maybe was planted all along, it did seem weird CIA would slip up like that and not leave it off the manifest or just make Sansa sleep with him or one of them sleeps in a regular cot to keep it secret if that's what he really wanted, but it'd also be quite the coincidence for Ros to find that one bit of planted evidence, maybe he plated more in hopes Varys would find it and that's the bait that caught the fish, but maybe he not only knew Ros was working for Varys maybe he actually set that up, maybe she was a triple agent all along since it seems like she'd probably be more loyal to CIA, who threatened to fucking kill her, horribly, more than Varys, who simply promised to protect her, since she's nothing if not street wise and knows a man's threat is worth a lot more than his promises, maybe CIA even specifically arranged for her to be put in those dangerous situations in season 2, being given to the clearly unhinged Joffrey and maybe even being mistaken by Cersei for Shae so that Varys would spot her as a vulnerable woman in CIA's establishment easy to manipulate, so that he could use her to feed false intel to Varys, and that's really why he had Ros killed, so she couldn't spill the beans to Varys to the extent at which he was played and how much it would hurt him if he thought she was still loyal to him and it was his fault for bringing her into this whole mess, and he probably just let Marg think he genuinely wanted Sansa and Loras married for whatever reason so she'd play her part in that aspect and just chalk it up as a loss for him once it's all over or she might have even been in on it because she wanted Loras to marry Cersei so her family could have even more ties to the Lannisters and get Cersei who obviously hates her family to heel, and CIA never even intended to take poor pawn Sansa away anyway, just ensure she stays in danger, so he literally and unironically did the lying-about-how-many-passengers-are-included-on-my-transport-manifest bluff he did in The Dark Knight Rises lmao, literally and unironically "the sailing plan I just filed with the crown... lists me, my men, but only one extra bed! first one to help me fuck your mum gets to stay on my boat!" :cia:
please note that all that elaborate bullshit makes perfect sense and is all in-character and fits fine into plots that have been going on for 3 seasons and this is how you really write an elaborate master manipulator's scheme spanning a dozen different characters, rather than the usual absolute fucking drivel that usually comes out of writers pens when trying to do this sort of material like Sherlock where you get, well, this
yes I made that meme and I've been waiting for an excuse to post it in a thread or some time, read it and weep
Game of Thrones 3x07: "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" Theon's last boner special edition
First aired: May 12, 2013
wait so which is gonna be the Red Wedding we have like four fucking weddings, Joffrey/Margaery, Sansa/Tyrion, Cersei/Loras and also the Riverking or whatever's daughter marrying that shitty archer guy, might be that one as a sort of misdirect that we get the big three ones out the way and the throwaway meme one between the d-list characters kicks off, here I am like some old lady worrying about fucking weddings in a tv show like it's telenovela(another word in spanish that's literally just an english word but with a random vowel at the end nice language retards) anyway ok here we go not going line for line of dialog anymore come on give me lots of Jon and Sam scenes with no depth I can just skim over come on come on here we go ok yes the RNG has blessed me we get a scene of Jon and some more wildlings than I expected marching across some dreary highland hills, which is something interesting that they seem to just lower the color contrast for the Northern scenes to show how overcast it often is in Scotland lmao, and he banters with Yiggy about how southerners are so pretentious and have things like bannermen in war who can't even fight and banging drums to let your enemies know you're coming and Jon tries meme her about no they're just lighting a huge fire and she does the "you know nothing Jon Snow" meme and he has a go at the Warg about sacrificing him but he just says people do whatever suits them which is why he'll never hold onto Yig, well I'm pretty sure he couldn't hold onto her for like five minutes before she ran off to suck someone off for shoes
then we see Robb in his command tent in the pouring rain discussing their latest ally and Cat's uncle says "I've sen wet shits I liked better than Walder Frey" lmao and then he catches himself as he remembers Robb's new wife is in the tent, I guess he knows his own niece isn't a fainting damsel, and apologizes for spending too much time around pikemen and lancers, but she just says "I've spent two years nursing wounded men watching them bleed and die, I'm not afraid of wet shits" lul, then they discuss how this guy wont be happy not getting to marry his daughters with Robb but he says Edmure is the best he's ever had, uh oh, maybe this is gonna be the Red Wedding because he's booty blasted over that and is going to betray the Starks to Tywin who gives them a funny wee prank to play on them then later that night we see Robb and his wife making love, in a rare sex scene that's not with a prostitute or uh Dany getting raped lmao, although I kind of like how they depict womanizing as a pathetic thing that characters like Theon and Tyrion are depicted as flawed for partaking in as just another vice to avoid their problems since usually the beta males who write tv shows and fantasy books think it's hela cool from their incel vantage point and it is a very widely accepted cultural trope but honestly in real life it seems like actual promiscuous men are uhhh fucking losers lmao they are usually pretty scummy looking and acting and only get laid so much because they're usually involved in drug scenes and other unsavoury environments where they associate with women who are just as dysfunctional and have as bad addiction problems and as poor delaying of gratification and planning ahead abilities as they do and actual high status attractive masculine males tend to settle down early and start a family and focus on their careers since they have access to the highest quality women that make good mother material, anyway we get a gratuitous shot of his wife's arse to be edited out in future airings that Robb ogles but then he sits down at his map and starts worrying about the war again, now that he's alone with his wife he cant hide how terrified he is, and she starts writing a letter to her mother (yeah right, probably Tywin) with her um q-quite s-sexy toes intertwining as she scribbles away and it seems Robb's a foot fan too since he says "how am I meant to plan a war when you've over there looking like that?" and it seems she's trying to teach him some Valyrian too and she reveals that she's pregnant, uh oh, oh, oh no, oh no I just remembered the pregnant woman getting stabbed from some gif file, oh no no oononononononno and I don't remember Robb being in any future scenes either, and I'm not sure I remember Cat either? and obviously her uncle and the shitty archer guy are expendable, uh oh spaghettiooooooooooooooooooos
and then with Jon he is gawping like an idiot as the ginger guy... mimics sex on his backpack lmao, saying "most men fuck like dogs, no grace, no skill, a few dozen thrusts, and done, you need to be patient, give her time, your cock shouldn't go near her till she's as slick as a baby seal, then you go inside slowly, don't jam it in like you're spearing a pig! hahaha" a surprisingly considerate lovemaking style for such an aggressive man uhhh thanks for the advice but I think Jon has it covered from being the first man to invent eating pussy in this world
they they pull out, not like that, and the Warg is whispering doubts into Yigs ear about her future with Jon, and she thinks he's jealous and he admits it saying she should be with one of her own, but methinks he just doesn't trust Jon and knows the best way to expose his true intentions is to crank up the stress on him by fucking up his relationship, but he does actually start being a friednzoned orbiter and stops her and tells him all this pathetic shit that Jorah would say about how he'd treat her so well and call her beautiful every day and then he literally goes on an incel rant when she says she loves Jon "is it because he's pretty? you like his pretty hair and his pretty eyes? you think pretty's going to make you happy?" and says she wont love him when she finds out what he really is and storms off in a huff, oh a love triangle I didn't miss those from LOST
then in King's Landing we see Sansa still in tears crying to Marg about how all her life she wanted to escape Winterfell to King's Landing but now it's the reverse and shames herself as "a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns" but Marg takes her for a walk and tells her she can count on her and her grandmother to make her happy but tells her women like them have to make the best of their circumstances, lemons and lemonade and all that shit, and she's like "but I have to marry HIM" lmao don't manlet shame, but Marg reasons, reasonably, that Lord Tyrion has only ever tried to help her, but her main problem is he's a Lannister, and Marg says "my son will be king, sons learn from their mothers, I plan on teaching him a great deal" I guess intending to have the throne under Tyrell control even if in legal name he'll be called a Lannister... or ah uh... Bathareon as I think everyone pretends Joffrey still is since they haven't invented DNA tests yet, and she points out her son would be lord of Casterly Rock AND The North one day... and it hits Sansa that she'll have to put le benis in bagina with Tyrion, and Marg tries to say he's hansom even with the scar, and Sansa is like "ugh he's a dwarf! and Loras... Loras!" WHAT A FUCKING SHALLOW STACEY WTF THE WARG WAS RIGHT INCEL UPRISING NOW REEEEEEEEEEEE I thought she was going to say she was scared that if she has kids with Tyrion her kids might have dwarfism (is that how it works? or do you get like... half dwarf kids? I suppose it's a genetic thing that could present the same way or not at all or somewhere in between, I think even two Little People™ can produce a normal sized child if they roll the genetic dice right) and Marg tries to tell her "some women like tall men, some like short men, some like hairy men, some bald men, gentle men, rough men, ugly men, pretty men, pretty girls!"yeah right you lying stacey you're all the same! bitches!!!! and she comforts her "most women don't know what they like until they've tried it, and sadly so many of us get to try so little before we're old and grey" it seems taking after her grandmother who from her lewd comments was probably quite the thot in her day and she adds "Tyrion may surprise you, from what I've heard he's quite experienced" and the naive Sansa is like "an that's a good thing?" and Marg says "it can be, we're very complicated you know, pleasing us takes practice" something tells me Tyrion hasn't picked up much from prostitutes who as Bronn says are paid to pretend they like it and the circumstances Marg describes there could be remedied if women would just, you know, tell men what they want, but that's highly illegal and couples are never allowed to honestly communicate under penalty of having a healthy relationship, which humans must avoid at all costs and Sansa asks her "how do you know all this? did your mother teach you?" and Marg just smirks and says "yes sweet child, my mother taught me" and takes her arm in hand, I guess the meme here is she's quite the slut, probably even had MMF threesomes with her brother before, but maybe she also learning it from her grandmother which is why she finds it funny
then we cut to Bronn talking to Tyrion about him not wanting to marry someone as young as Sansa but his enforcer reminds him "she's a foot taller than you" lmao and Bronn doesn't see the problem as she's fit but Tyrion reveals the real problem "Shae isn't going to like it" and Bronn just cuts to the chase as he always does "Shae is a whore, you gonna marry her eh? how did marrying a whore work out for you last time?" lmao and Tyrion regrets telling him that and Bronn tells him to just "wed one bed the other, put a son in the girl and rule the North in his name, two women and a kingdom, lovely" piece of piss but Tyrion doesn't want two women if they'll despise him and Bronn drops some knowledge "you waste time getting people to love you, you'll be the most popular dead man in town" since that's the fatal flaw of at least Tyrion and Jaime, they care so much of maintaining their public image because they still can't get their fathers approval and never did, and then Bronn chuckling at him that he "wants to fuck that Stark girl, just don't want to admit it", wait how old is Sansa right now? I think she said she was 13 in season 1 and it's been 2 years so she's 15 eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh well that's only one year under legal here but still sad, and he tells him "I dont pay you to put evil notions in my head" and the ever pragmatic Bronn says "you pay me to kill people who bother you, the evil notions come free" edgy
then we see, uh oh, it's disciplining time, Tywin marching into the iron throne room that has Joffrey sitting on it not doing anything and walks straight up to the bottom of the stairs, but it's actually Joffrey who summoned him, uh oh, and he asks him for reports on the Small Council meetings, and Tywin, trying to get some sense of duty into his grandson, invites him to attend, and Joffrey does some real fucking drumpf shit where he excuses "I've been busy, many important matters require a king's attention" ah yes I'm sure he takes a lot of "executive time" and Tywin says "of course" as he looks down disappointed that his grandson is as undedicated as he feared and Joffrey asks why he's been holding the meetings in his own tower and Tywin politely explains it saves him time leaving his office as if Joffrey is the one person he's not default stern with but is clearly suppressing what an idiot he thinks he is that he needs to explain this obvious managerial concern as if he's ye olde highpowered CEO who usually have all these little lifehacks like getting people to come to them instead of the other way around to save time and Joffrey bitches that that means he'd have to climb up all those stairs to attend a meeting and Tywin can't take this fucking spoiled zoomer faggot anymore and TYWIN JUST STARTS WALKING UP THE STAIRS TO THE THRONE AND TOWERS OVER JOFFREY WHO BRICKS IT as if to show him how easy walking stairs is even for an old man like him and tells his grandson "we could arrange to have you carried" and Joffrey leans back in his throne as if he's trying to get away from Tywin as far as he can absolutely shook knowing how ruthless his grandfather is
and starts stuttering "uhhh t-tell me about the Targaren girl in the east and her dragons" trying to keep his composure and Tywin says its "apparently true" and Joffrey tries to assert himself by looking around bewildered and asking "don't you think we should do something about it?" but just comes across as not having any clue what to do and Tywin says "when I was Hand of the King under your father's predecessor" lmao so wait hang on, he sacked the city during the Mad King's downfall when he was his Hand? hahahaha, or maybe he'd already been fired and that's why he did it, and he goes on "the skulls of all the Targaryen dragons were kept in this room, the skull of the last of them was right here, it was the size of an apple" and Joffrey isn't reassured and starts panicking "and the biggest was the size of a carriage" which I think we see Arya hiding behind in the dungeons in season 1 but Tywin, who's not one for superstitious bullshit, says "and the creature it belonged to died 300 years ago, curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us" but Joffrey isn't convinced and says these animals brought the world to heel at one point, and I mean he's right, but Tywin raises his voice insisting "because we have been told as much by the many experts who serve the realm by counselling the King on matters on which he knows nothing" I guess he doesn't care since he has heard from Varys that they're only the size of dogs now and he figures most of them were probably actually pretty small and the chances of her 3 growing to be plane sized fuckers is probably extremely low, too bad he doesn't see .webms of this show all over the internet to know he's wrong, and Joffrey whines "but I havn't been counseled!" I know this is almost as low brow political commentary as comparing the world to Harry Potter but this really does remind me of how Trump's advisors literally just don't tell him things since people treat him like a kid, but at least Joffrey is actually a kid lmao and Tywin grumbles "you are being counselled at this very moment" which just makes Joffrey more anxious and Tywin says he'll keep him informed "...whenever necessary" aka never in his opinion since he wants to be and functionally is the real king and he just walks off ignoring his grandson but then he remembers he needs to pretend to respect him at all and turns around and says politely "Your Grace" and then struts off and Joffrey sits there looking shook as if he thought being king would just mean he gets even more praise and privileges and not getting bullied by his own 70 year old grandfather and having fucking dragons coming after him
then speaking of which we see Dany having Jorah introduces her fourth culture to effortlessly usurp "Yunkai, The Yellow City" and they overlook this walled city built ontop of a hill that seems to have pyramids at the top with the biggest crowned by another huge golden statue of that harpie-like goddess and Jorah says "they train bed slaves, not soliders, we can defeat them" but advises they won't fight, they'll hunker down for a prolonged siege (that in real lie could last for years) and Dany doesn't want to lose any of her forces so Jorah tells her taking the city won't help her... so why does she want to do it... ah... she asks "how many slaves are there in Yunkai?" and Jorah hesitates as he knows what shes thinking and says "200,000" so she says "we have 200,000 reasons to take the city" wew laddy
I get what they're going for here by making Dany this liberator character but it makes zero sense where she got this extremely strong will and dedication to her cause, maybe we're meant to think it's because she herself was sold off against her will, but her suffering lasted like literally two nights and then she fell in love with her owner, so she's never shown to know the true suffering of a slave or have anything to build-up her will, she literally just learned how to ride cock and there we go, issues solved, what a shit character, and it all seems so fucking stupid in this setting since even if she somehow had that motivation obviously in this world you'd just fail trying to do this gradual liberation shit and the smart move would be to aim for nothing but taking Westeros and then when you achieve that you'd have a fucking million strong army to steamroll every city state in Esteros and liberate them, obviously if Dany didn't have a consequence-free bubble around her this would end as well as when America tries to liberate the middle east but if that's her objective then that's how you'd be able to do it, not wasting time personally going city to city like a fucking video game quest that'd take her decades, oy oy oy what a storyline, but she orders Grey Worm to send a man to tell the slavers she'll accept their surrender outside, wow good plan that wouldn't result in pointless death en mass IRL and then the intense Conan the Barbarian drums start up as we see all the Unsullied snap into position with the shields up against their erect spears as the king of the yellow city actually is coming out to meet Dany and he has a small group of Roman looking soldiers with a bunch of slaves carrying his little cuckshed thing he's sitting in and this dude is dressed with some nice guyliner and clothes that are reminicient of ancient egypt fashion and the slavegirl does the titledrop meme introducing him as "the nobel Razdal mo Eraz of that ancient and honerable house, Master of Men and Speaker to Savages" bit racist but ok who walks up to Dany sitting on a couch I guess she had brought with her three dog-sized dragons lounging around her and when he gets too close ONE OF THE DRAGONS SCREECHES AT HIM and he jumps back and the slavegirl does Dany's titledrop meme "Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons" ah she's added a few memes to her name I see, as she sits there looking super smug at this king dude and she offers him a seat that one of the Dothraki servants puts down and the supposedly free slavegirl pours him a drink, inb4 it's poisoned, and this guy boasts about how old his empire is and how many army's their walls have broken and she just casually takes out a hunk of meet and in some pretty dodgy cgi SHE TOSSES THE MEAT IN THE AIR FOR THE THREE DRAGONS TO FIGHT OVER IN A WHIRLWIND OF WINGS AND SNARLING TEETH
much to the kings worry and Dany just memes "good, my Unsullied need practice, I was told to blood them early" and smiles at him, holy fuck what a meme queen, and the King genuinely tries to reason with her saying "if you want blood to flow blood will flow, but why? yes you have committed savagery in Astapor but the Yunkai are a forgiving and generous people" and he has his slaves bring her chests of gold as pretty much a bribe and tells her there's more on a ship they're gifting her and she can have as many as she wants, it seems like this dude is actually a good guy and genuinely doesn't want any bloodshed, or at least is good at coming off that way since he knows he'd lose eventually, and Jorah perks up at the mention of more boats, and his only request is that she use those ships to go back home to Westeros and leave them to conduct their affairs in peace, but Dany just looks down at his slaves kneeling beside him and immediately says "I have a gift for you as well: your life" and stares at him extremely smugly holy moly, she's such an incongruous character it's making me start to like her, like she's so seemingly delusional and unrealistic compared to the other characters it's almost as if they are trying to depict freeing slaves in a negative light since she's so extremely unreasonable in every way, and I'd say if she was a villain it'd be more fitting but her insistence on invading all of Westeros just because of muh birthright is not exactly as moral as freeing slaves, she's clearly meant to be the protagonist due to her extreme Mary Sue antics but she's more like the unhinged wildcard character like Spike from Buffy or something, anyway she orders him to "release every slave in Yunkai, every man woman and child shall be given as much food, clothing and property as they can carry as payment for their years of servitude, reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy" and the king looks bewildered since he obviously can't take his offer since realistically his economy would implode and he'd lose control of everything and says "you are mad, we are not Astapor or Qarth, we are Yunkai, and we have powerful friends, friends who would take great pleasure in destroying you, those who survive will be enslaved as well, perhaps we'll make a slave of you as well!" and stands up but the black dragon roars in his face, whoever did the sound design for this did a good job because the extremely raspy quality is very unnerving as it sounds more like a hissing reptile than any mammal roar you're used to hearing and is very intimidating, and the king whines "you swore me safe conduct" and Dany gives him a cheeky wee smile and says "I did... BUT MY DRAGONS MADE NO PROMISES, and you threatened their mother"
and the king starts hyperventilating and tells his slaves to take back the gold but THE RED DRAGON JUMPS ON THE CHEST AND SCREECHES AT THEM m-maybe want to tell your dragon not to eat the people you're trying to free, and the slaves back the fuck up real fast as the edgy conan drums start up and Dany smarms "my gold, you gave it to me remember? and I shall put it to good use, you'd be wise to do the same with my gift to you, now get out" and the king storms off ranting to himself in his own language, and Barry warns "the Yunkai are proud people, they will not bend" and Dany just quips "and what happens to things that don't bend?" and then inquires about the friends he mentioned but they don't know, uh oh, and then the red dragon lands back near Dany and purs like a kitten as she pets him, ok you know what, this whole retarded shit is actually pretty entertaining, I'm going to fucking say it, it's not good writing by a long shot, BUT I LIKE DANY, I'm just going to interpret her character as she's fucking mentally insane like her father was and maybe she's Allah's real chosen one, as she's quite good at spreading fire herself, so she has plot armor in-universe that protect her from all her rash actions
then we see Tyrion basically trying to bribe Shae with a golden necklace she could buy a ship with, but she's not impressed by golden chains, which reminds me of how Theresa May keeps wearing these like literal steel chains around her neck as necklaces as if to show she's the EU's slave or something lmao and she starts bitching about if she's inviting to her boyfriends wedding and he tries to explain he's being forced to and Shae says they should run away again but Tyrion reveals his insecurity about who he is without palace intrigue bullshit and asks "and what would I do? juggle?" as people will always disrespect him for his height and does a brief titledrop meme and she replies with "and I am Shae, the funny whore" lmaooooooooooo caaaaaaag but Shae refuses to clean his wife's chamber pot and lick his cock when he's bored of her and he promises to buy her a good home in the city and keep her in comfort and security but she says she'd never want children who can't see their father and need to live in fear of their own grandfather and she insists "I am just your whore, and when you are tired of fucking me I will be nothing" and leaves without even storming out and slamming the door as is customary in tv dramas as she's just sad
then we see the Red Lady on a ship taking Gentry back to King's Landing and as they sail over the wreckage of Stannis ship she explains "wildfire" to him, and he talks about how he didn't miss the city since he didn't have a family, and the Red Lady starts hinting at where his strength comes from, but he insists he's lowborn, and she tells him her mother was a slave and so was she, "bought and sold, scourged and branded, until the Lord of Light reached down, took me in his hand and raised me up" thus is the glory of Allah and Gentry gets what shes hinting at and asks "you're saying my father was some lord or something?" but she points up to the Red Castle and says "there's your fathers house" and the ever down on himself Gentry says "so I'm just a bastard?" but she does Rob's titledrop memes and explains that's why the goldcloaks wanted him, oh yeah I guess he never even knew I forgot that, and Gentry's jaw drops as he realizes... things are much worse than he thought lmao, great
then back in the Brotherhoods cave Arya is in a huff that they betrayed Gentry, and Beric defends if by saying she's seen Allah is the one true god and they have to obey, but Arya says "he's not my one true god", and Beric asks her who is, and Arya says "DEATH" ok sorry thats too funny thats going to be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 49 from me as she's been converted to the edgiest religion in the world by some shapeshifting pedo
and Beric just grimaces at her like she doesn't know what she's talking about but then seriouses up as his men return and tell them of a Lannister raiding party and his men all cheer for "a lion hunt" but Arya starts whining about how they promised to take her home and accuses them of only doing all this to steal gold and has an absolute tantrum and tells them that they're all liars and that she hopes the Lannister's kill them all and when Gentry tries to do the "you'll understand when you're older" meme but Arya runs off out the cave and hides in the woods when they come searching for her but then out of nowhere THE HOUND GRABS HER AND DRAGS HER INTO THE SHADOWS lmao oh shit, I guess he was just waiting there for her the entire time so he can get the ransom or something
then back with Brie sitting in a shitty dark room she's locked in in her furry pink dress Jaime arrives to say his goodbyes and tells her Bolton is leaving for the Twin Towers for Edmure Tully's wedding, uh oh, maybe this is when the Bolton's turn on the Starks, and both them and the Riverking guy sell them out to Tywin, and he intends to leave Brie locked up there, with Locke, the shithead who took his hand and tried to rape her, and he tells her he owes her a debt, I guess for just keeping his spirits up even though this is pretty much all her fault for keeping her captive on her stupid fucking quest to take him to King's Landing without any prior agreement which wouldn't even require him to be in chains since that's what he wanted anyway, but Brie says they both made a promise to Cat, and if he keeps that his debt is paid, and Jaime says "I will return the Stark girls to their mother, I swear it" so I guess he agreed to that just to get Cat to let him go but actually means it now, and they both nod in respect to each other as fellow warriors, and she says "goodbye Ser Jaime" and he opens his mouth to say something but his eyes tear up and he flinches as he's not used to actually expressing genuine feelings so just leaves, then outside he's struggling to get a saddle on his horse one-handed so the Maester who treated him helps and assures him "it'll take time" and Roose comes up and says he's only being nice to him because he hopes Tywin will force The Citadel, which I guess is where all the Maesters train, to give him back his chain, and Jaime quips "my father will make him grand maester if he grows me a new hand" and Roose starts angling for a favor from Tywin but Jaime just says "tell Robb Stark I'm sorry I couldn't make his uncles wedding, the Lannisters send their regards" with a snide smile and rides off but Roose is a humourless bastard and just stares at him and as he's trying to leave Locke starts talking shit saying "leaving so soon Kingslayer? nothing to say? I liked you more before, I don't remember chopping your balls off too, don't you worry about your friend, we'll take good care of her" and Jaime just ignores him trying to keep to his more enlightened mindset but the last comment almost gets to him
then we see poor Theon being unstrapped from the torture rack, in close-ups so we can't really tell whats happening, just like he can't as he still has the hood over his head, but when it's taken off he finds that it's... two attractive cags laying him on a couch and pouring him water, and he's confused at first, worrying it's poison or something, but he's so thirsty he starts gobbling it down, and then looks around bewildered as they start trying to feed him grapes as if he's scared of anyone touching him, but they shush him and calm him down and he lets them feed her as they joke about how the black haired one, Miranda, trained as a Septa but "she had other urges" and she adds "so did the Septas, but they lied about it" and she starts stroking Theon's chest, but he's only got one thing on his mind and whimpers "where is he?" and Miranda says "there's only me, you and Violet" and puts her hand down his pants but Theon flinches and says "please" as he's understandable not in the mood the girls go "don't you want us to see it? come on everyone talks about it" and they claim "we sent ourselves Lord Greyjoy, we heard so much about it" and Violet grabs his dick and Theon squirms and says "please" wtf they're gonna rape him and when she finds that he's soft she says "oh, he finds us ugly" and Miranda says "oh hes been through so much look at his poor face" and in another mindfuck to stop him from trusting anyone Theon realizes maybe this isn't some cruel taunting but real and starts begging them to "help me, if he comes back..." but they start talking about how to "make him feel better" and Violet starts undressing Miranda and playing "aw shes shy, you know how they are, these religious girls" and Miranda stradles Theons crotch as Violet careeses his head and as Miranda grinds on him she says "oh, I felt something, oh Lord Greyjoy" as she gets him hard and fucking idiot brainlet Theon's other head starts doing the thinking and he starts holding her hips and grinding against her, although to be fair he probably figures hell, this might be the last time he ever gets laid, might as well take it, and Violet undresses too as Theon gawps at her taking what relief he can get and Miranda shows what I seem to recall is her true nature and grabs Theon's face and asks "what, you like her better?" and starts making out with him and Violet grabs his dick again and says "plenty there for both of us!" and Miranda starts grinding super hard on him saying "I was here first"
but then revealing who was actually there first suddenly the room is filled with the sound Theon's been conditioned to be terrified of BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ oh my fucking god the fucking vuvuzelas make it stop because RAMSEY COMES OUT OF THE SHADOWS, HAVING TRICKED THEON INTO ACTING OUT HIS CUCKOLD FANTASIES this should be a fucking meme on pornhub.com, just as the guy is about to get his cock out suddenly you hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and Ramsey comes out lmao
and the girls disperse immediately as he starts memeing "oh sorry, terrible timing, but I was getting jealous" yeah.... of the girls.... and Theon curls up in a ball terrified of this guy, probably knowing he could kick his ass in his weakened state and has guards right outside, and Ramsey drawls "well, should we see this cock everyone's always going on about?" and Theon realizes this dudes gonna rape him or some shit and tries to flee but Ramsey just backhands him with the metal trumpet sending him sprawling across the ground, and like a pimp the two naked girls come to Ramsey's side for him to caress them as he taunts "everyone knows you love girls, bet you always through they loved you back" which seems like an awfully crude way to be mean to someone but in Theon's weakened state it probably hurts to see women he thought were his with his tormentor and he doesn't have the brain function left from the stress to realize it's an obvious set-up, I kind of like that he's psychologically torturing Theon too rather than just cutting him up, nice and edgy, but then he takes out his knife and Theon starts trying to crawl away on his sore up hand and foot as Ramsey surmises "your famous cock must be precious to you... would you say it's your most precious part?"
well... for most men it is, and Ramsey whistles for his emotionless NPC minions to come and hold Theon still as he breaks down crying NO! NO PLEASE! PLEASE! MERCY MERCY! and Ramsey gets that crazy look on his face and says "this is mercy, I'm not killing you! just making a few... alterations" as if he's his toy for him to modify as it suits him and he bears down on the squirming Theon as he begs for mercy and the camera thankfully blurs out as he goes to take his pants off, I'll talk about the downsides of this more when we get a certain reveal I remember but for now I'll let them away with yes this is adding to the theme we saw with Bran and Jaime of them losing what's most important to them to force characters who otherwise would have probably stayed the same person all their lives to change and it also makes sense from a torturing someone into submission point of view since men get their wills broken and give up on their life if they simply don't have access to sex lmao never mind this and like the memes and genes theme with characters who either can't anymore or are displeased with their offspring like Lady Tyrell and Tywin being more concerned with the ideas they leave behind than their own survival and characters who more obviously now have something in common with Theon like Varys and the Unsullied the psychology behind reproduction is pretty much the entirety of human existence, the only reason any person does anything ever is because evolution made their biology react in certain ways to their genetics and environment, and it only did that because their ancestors successfully reproduced, so every cell in their body is designed to make copies of itself including you as a whole, and when you can't do that it's probably going to fuck you on a subconscious level where the actual purpose of your life is being failed, which explains incels, cool wine aunts, lonely middle aged gay men and crazy cat ladies, never mind in this world where it's overtly a huge deal for highborns to pass on their legacy to children, so not only has Theon lost the thing he enjoys most in life even more so than most men, has been subconsciously fucked by taking his biological imperative away he doesn't even have much of a life in society left since a Lord who'll never have a heir isn't worth anything to anyone, although I guess on the bright side it seems he still has his balls so maybe he can milk his prostate into a bowl and turkey baste his future wife or something oh, I almost forgot, for cutting his fucking dick off here's a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 50
then we see Jon telling Yig the deer she's aiming her bow at is too far away but then we cut to the wildlings carrying it along with them showing she's quite the aimbotter, then there's a cute bit where she sees a windmill and asks "is that a palace?" lmao and she's amazed that builders can stack stones that high since her people havn't invented cement yet and she thinks Jon lying when he claims Winterfell is three times as high and starts winding him up by pretending not to no what swooning, fainting or why girls would collapse when they see blood since "girls see more blood than boys" and falls into his arms memeing "oh a spider save my Jon Snow! my silk dress is made from silk from Tralalalalaleday" sounds like we're watching the same show alright and when Jon starts grabbing her and saying he'd like to see her in one so he can rip it off of her she gets all shy like she's not sure she likes him being more assertive and threatens to give him a black eye if he'd tear her dress and struts off and Jon smiles like he likes her being more assertive than him but spoils the mood by saying they'll go to Winterfell when they take their land back and Jon gets serious and tells her they won't win and she tries to drop the you know nothing meme but he cuts her off and says "six times in the last thousand years a King-Beyond-The-North attacked us and six times they failed" and insists they don't have the training or equipment and if they attack The Wall they'll "you'll all die" and Yig plays the pussy card and says "all of US" and starts kissing him and saying "you're mine and I'm yours, if we die we'll die, but first we'll live" and starts making out with him, right, good plan
then with Bran's crew Osha is bitching to Hodor about the new members but he's unsurprisingly not a very good conversationalist but still manages to convey to go deal with it with a shrug and a Hodor so she goes over and bitches at the boy about indoctrinating Bran and demands he explain it all to her but he says he can't so she forbids him from talking to Bran and she gets even more triggered when he says they're not going to Castle Black to find Jon because he needs to take Bran to see a fucking three-eyed raven over The Wall, right, great plan, but he's already got his claws in Bran who says this is his purpose now he can't walk and that's why it happened, but Osha thinks its all just bullshit he's telling him and explains "you think all this bad stuffs happened because the God's have big plans for you? I wish it were true little Lord but the God's wouldn't spare a cold ravens shit about you, me or anyone" and breaks down crying saying "none of you know, you've never been up there" and goes on a big backstory dump about how she her man Bruni went missing, using the same phrase Yig did, "he was mine and I was his", and came back "with skin paler than a dead mans, with eyes bluer than a clear sky" and tried to choke her to death and he stabbing him in the heart didn't even do anything to him and she had to burn down their hut with him inside, jesus, and she realized on her own without any help from the Gods that the North wasn't safe anymore, and insists they're only going as far as Castle Black
then we see Jaime's fucked up stitched together stump being examined by the Maester who puts some... white goo on it... hmmm... and Jaime starts getting in his good graces by saying he's better than Grand Maester Pycelle, which the doc says "faint praise" lmao so I guess Pycelle is a fraud in many regards and Jaime pries for his backstory asking if he "fondled one boy too many" hahaha but the doc says "no my Lord, that's not my weakness" and spills the beans that it's "curiosity" and Jaime realizes "you performed experiments on living men" with a sly smile but the doc excuses it by saying they were already dying and his insight saved many more lives but Jaime knows how the world works and accuses him of opening up the bellies of "poor men with no family's to complain", very dumb but in real life medieval there was a big taboo on disrespecting corpses so things like autopsies were banned and only conducted by madlads willing to grave-rob and the guy just says "how many men have you killed my Lord" and Jaime opens his mouth to say some dumb quip but then catches himself as he's trying to be more honest with himself and stop excusing everything as at least he's aware he's a hypocrite edgy comments and grumbles "I don't know" and the doc presses "50? 100?" and Jaime just cringes knowing it's probably more but cant take all this honesty and quips "countless has a nice ring to it" like he can admit he's the bad guy but doesn't yet want to fully dwell on it and the doc ask with a smile "and how many have you saved?" knowing he's gotten him beaten there but Jaime says immediately "half a million, the population of King's Landing" with a dead serious look, and he asks if he sent a raven to Brie's father, who is a Lord, who offered 300 "gold dragons" for her return, but Locke wont take it because, oh jesus, truly showing that at least if you're on the continent of Westeros no good deed goes unpunished, "he's convinced Lord Tarth owns all the sapphire mines in Westeros" and Jaime sighs realizing it's his fucking fault and that retard believed him and the doc warns "his men have been at war too long, most of them will be dead by winter, she'll be their entertainment tonight, beyond tonight, don't think they care very much" and Jaime looks around feeling a new sort of helpless but then he remembers who he is and marches up to his escorts leader and insists "we have to return to Harrenhal... I've left something behind" and looks down at his hand to try and break the ice with a meme but the guy doesn't even notice and says those aren't his orders and Jaime gears up the old Lannister manipulation and asks, no, tells him, "you think you'll get a reward" and when he tries to excuse it Jaime cuts to the end of the dialog tree and threatens to tell Tywin that he was the one that chopped his hand off... or that he saved his life, and simply orders "we return to Harenhall" and goes back to his horse knowing he basically barged through this NPCs dialog tree and has him at his command already like he's done playing around in life and can use his full power now he's got a good cause to fight for, but when they arrive back in the burnt out ancient castle there's no one there and he runs around until he hears singing and runs even faster knowing what a group of soldiers alone with a women having a party means and his escorts try to warn him to stop but he rushes up to where all the men are surrounding some sort of area and I thought the meme was going to be they are singing with Brie and they'd made friends or war stories or something but no they're abusing her and it's worse than a gangrape THEY'RE FORCING BRIE TO FIGHT A GRIZZLY BEAR WITH A WOODEN SWORD I mean she has the wooden sword not the bear so uhhhh that's some good news
as they sing a song about the big bear and the fair maiden and she's already taken a slash to the neck and she tries to scream at the bear but it just roars at her and she backs up as Locke taunts "this is one shameful fuckin performance, stop running and fight!" and the terrified Brie darts around away from the pacing angry snarling bear, something I like about Brie's performance is unlike most badass warrior women who have to be extremely stoic she's allowed to show a wide range of emotion, she's happy when appropriate and when she's fucked she looks terrified, so it makes it seem even cooler when she doesn't give up, rather than someone who's not afraid of anything, like Ned's meme about only being brave when you're scared, and Jaime admonishes Locke for only giving her a wooden sword and he just sneers "thought you'd gone, we only have one bear!" as if they want to force multiple people to fight it without it actually getting hurt, very considerate of you for putting animal welfare first, and Jaime pleads with him that he'll pay a ransom but Locke, who hates these rich cunts, tells him his stump makes him happier than any gold and this show makes him happier than her sapphires and tells him to "go buy yourself a golden hand and fuck yourself with it!" since the doc is right all these guys might die in this shitty war so why worry about money and THE BEAR RISES UP ON IT'S HIND LEGS, WELL, BEARING DOWN AT BRIE LIKE COME AT ME THOT
AND SHE TRIES TO POKE IT IN THE EYE WITH HER WOODEN SWORD BUT THE BEAR JUST GRABS IT AND SHE'S LIKE N-NANI?! AND IT SLASHES HER FACE, LMAO THIS BEAR HAS GOOD FIGHTING TECHNIQUE!
and she staggers back with her sword shattered and even more useless on the floor as the bear slaps her onto the ground and starts walking over her OH SHIT SHE'S GONNA GET RAPED BY THE BEAR but then *superman theme music starts up* JAIME JUMPS INTO THE ARENA
and this bear, that I've for some reason seen in loads of stock images I am pretty sure so maybe this is some model bear or they just used promotional images from this episode all over the internet, roars at him and he tells Brie to get behind him and ever the stubborn one refuses so he just grabs her behind her as she makes a funny exhausted warbling growl and THE BEAR SLAMS ITS PAW DOWN AND STARTS AGGRESSIVELY SLASHING THE DIRT AWAY AS IF IT'S GETTING READY TO CHARGE and Jaime brick sit as he realizes this was a dumb idea, he shoulda kept his severed hand to throw it at it to eat as a distraction lmao but then out of nowhere THE BEAR GETS HIT WITH A CROSSBOW BOLT which was probably Jaime's plan and the bear looks at it like wtf m8 nofair
and it was the escort leader guy who tells Locke it's still his orders to bring Jaime to the capital alive and the bear starts going ballistic writhing around trying to get this bolt out it's back and Jaime yells up as the escorts men to pull Brie up letting her climb up his back and the bear realizes it cant get the bolt out and glares at it's only remaining target Jaime and THE BEAR CHARGES AT JAIME, WHO ONLY JUST MANAGES TO CLIMB UP THE WALLS OF THE AREA AS THE BEAR JUMPS UP AND TRIES TO BITE HIS FEET, BUT HE SCRAMBLES TO GET THEM UP
AND BRIE TELLS THE ESCORTS TO GRAB HER LEGS AS SHE LEANS OVER TO GRAB HIS ONE HAND AS HE SLIPS OFF JUST BARELY AVOIDING FALLING INTO THE BEARS SNARLING JAWS
and as they yank him up the bear actually starts thumping frustratedly on the walls of the arena as the crowd screams in excitement, gotta hand it to them it's hela epic they got a real bear that's trained well enough to act out these reactions rather than just CGI some dumb looking cartoon bear like the fucking CGI dears in The Walking Dead that look like PS2 graphics, special shout out to the bear for such good takes too, very nice little adventure story sequence there, good to keep more traditional heroic shit happening so it makes the edgy things hit harder and people really did make prisoners fight huge animals in arenas in ancient times so its still some realisms bitch, and Locke insists Brie is staying, but Jaime says they'll have to kill him and asks "what do you think is more important to Lord Bolton? getting his pet rat a reward or ensuring Tywin Lannister gets his son back alive?" and stares him down, and Locke puts his hand on his sword and all his men do too as they're surrounded by an entire army ready to kill them but Locke relents and Jaime just sighs, gives the bear one last look that's still snarling at him and says "well, we must be on our way" having resolved a situation peacefully for once when before he'd not have been able to stop himself attacking that guy for revenge, but he still can't help himself but add "sorry about the sapphires" letting him keep thinking her father's way richer than he is just to piss him off more that he's having to let her go, oof nice, I mean a bit contrived since uhhh they could easily separate the two and just drag Jaime off in chains without him fighting them to the death due to him having one fucking hand but whatever, Locke's clearly a brainlet who's probably more scared of his master than anything, and Jaime, Brie and his escorts simply walk out of the army as the bear gives one last howl of frustration, he should have demanded they let the bear go too lmao, oh and here's something interesting to note, this episode was actually written by GRRM himself, weird since he wrote the epic 9th episode last season so you'd think he'd always write the seemingly always epic 9th episodes but his season 1 episode was
Game of Thrones 3x08: "Second Sons" another beta enters Dany's orbit special edition
First aired: May 19, 2013
we open on the only character with such a fucked up misshapen face we can identify her from just her eye, Arya, as she wakes up and her first instinct is to pick up a rock to fucking crush The Hound's head in, nice, but she's got to be a lot more quiet than that to sneak up on a Clegane who simply says "I'll give you one try girl, kill me and you're free, but if I live, I'll break both your hands" who was maybe just pretending to be asleep to test her and then he lays there staring at her daring her to try to oneshot him with the rock but she starts shaking and he's like "go on... hit me... hit me hard" well past giving a shit and then we cut to him holding her as they ride off on his horse and he tells her she should be grateful someone worse than him didn't find her and when she says "there's no one worse than you" he chuckles "you never knew my brother, he once killed a man for snoring" and tells her "there's men who like to beat little girls, men who like to RAPE them, I saved your sister from some of them" and Arya doesn't believe him but he edgily while chewing something says "ask her if you see her again, who saved her when the mob had her on her back, they would have violated her every which way and left her there with her throat cut open" and Arya just shuts up for a few seconds which is a record for her until she asks if a lake she sees is the blackwater but The Hound says "fuck Joffrey and fuck the Queen" he's taking her to the Twin Towers... to be with her mother and brother awww (who'll pay him of course) and tells her about the latest goss and "maybe if you stop trying to bash my brains in we'll make it in time for the wedding" and Arya cheers up having learnt that he's no longer on the Lannister payroll and maybe isn't that bad afterall
then we see Dany doing the meme where a supposedly empowered and liberated white female head of state wears a burqa when visiting some backwards shithole which I would say is to protect her extremely white skin and hair from the sun but she didn't think to put a scarf on when stranded in the scorching desert of not!mongolia so I'm not sure the overcast skies here are going to be an issue and she's not exactly going to go unnoticed being the only white woman on the continent surrounded by armed guards so not sure wtf is going on here but they're spying on some poorer looking guys riding horses by and from their discussion it sounds like they're mercinaries the Yunkish are paying top camp outside their city to protect them and Jorah names them as the Second Sons, inb4 Dany takes them over too, "a company led by a Braavosi named Mero, the Titan's Bastard" and Dany coyly asks "how many" and Barry says "2,000, armored and mounted" but Dany just says "hard to collect wages from a corpse, I'm sure the sellswords prefer to fight for the winning side" with a sly smile in her eyes and when Barry says their leader might refuse to meet Dany just says "a man who fights for gold cant afford to lose to a girl" for some ebin feminism points
then we see some chad looking motherfucker and his allies that Barry introduces as "Prendahl na Ghezn and ummm..." "Daario Naharis" and Mero literally does the Chad stride up to her and says "Mother of Dragons? I swear I fucked you once in a pleasure house in Lys!" and The Virgin Jorah growls "mind your tongue!" what with being a blacked.com subscriber I can smell a cucking a mile away, she's totally gonna fuck this dude since her entire storyline is like some shitty airport romance fantasy novel for femcels and The Chad Mero strides up to him and Dany puts her hand out with a smile to stop Jorah from kicking off and Mero quips "why? I didn't mind hers, she licked my arse like she was born to do it!" and sits down next to Dany manspreading like a motherfucker and starts flicking his tongue out lmaooooooooooooo literally like a Chad meme and Dany for the first time in her life doesn't maddog a man since the redpill is right and girls love bad boys
and he demands wine from the slavegirl and laughs when Dany says pleasently they have no slaves and he says "you'll all be slaves after the battle unless I save you" and Dany smiles pleasantly at him so he says "take your clothes off and come sit on Mero's lap and I may give you my Second Sons" and Dany says back just as pleasantly "give me your second sons and I may not have you gelded" as if she wants to have some edgy banter with a clearly very rough and tough guy that maybe reminds her of the late Aquaman and she playfully has Barry remind him that it's her 10K vs his 2K but the long haired guy who's name I already forgot called Barry out for lying, they actually have 8K Unsullied and Dany clocks him as an intelligent man and the third guy who's name I also forgot says he's just a lieutenant implying he's the captain and Mero boasts that "the Second Sons have faced worse odds and won" than 1v4 and Jorah pathetically replies "the Second Sons have faced worse odds and run" as if he thinks he's in a rap battle oooh the criiiinge and Dany who seems to love this guys company like the fucking stacey whore she is, or at least what she wants Mero to think, smiles at Jorah condescendingly, but Mero, who speaks like a cockney for some reason, refuses as he's already taken the job, and as the black slavegirl, hang on what's her name, ah yes, Miss, leans over to pour him a drink HE SNIIIIIIIIIIFFS HER PUSSY and gets a huge grin as she recoils away in disgust lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo this storyline is so fucking retarded hgoly shit
and Dany offers that if they ride with her they'll never need another contract and gives Mero a saucy look as she says they'll have gold, castles and lordships when she takes back the 7 kingdoms, but they call out her lack of ships, siege weapons and cavalry but she smugly tells the long haired man much to his respect "a year ago I had no army, a year before that I had no dragons" and we hear them squawking in the air as they fly around exercising as if they heard their mother mention them from up there, and Dany gives Mero two days to decide and he just turns to her and says "SHOW ME YOUR CUNT, I want to see if it's worth fighting for" and Jorah gets so cucked he puts his hand on his sword and Grey Worm says in Valyrian "my queen, shall I slice out his tongue for you?" but Dany's maledom fetish gets the best of her and tells him "these men are our guests" and she offers them a "flagon" whatever that is and his men an entire barrel of wine and he quips "the Second Sons share everything, perhaps after the battle we'll share you" and Dany loves nothing more than getting raped so smirks cheekily at him and the long haired guy leaving too and as Mero struts off he slaps Miss' arse and once they're gone Dany sneers "Ser Barristan, if it comes to battle, kill that one first" and he growls "gladly your grace" so I guess she was just memeing atfer all, inb4 she fucks him anyway
then it turns out that the Red Lady was actually just sailing past King's Landing, a dangerous move, and Gentry is pleased to see they're actually arriving at a different castle, Stannis', and they bring him up to his cool headquarters with the map-table covered in scrawls as he intensely plans his next battles and he walks up to Gentry who goes to bow but Stannis snatches his chin and stairs him in the eyes and tells the Red Lady "half Robert, half lowborn" as if he can see his brothers features anywhere but also sense a subhuman poor too and she has Gentry taken away and promises to come visit him soon much to Stannis insecurity and it sounds like Stannis is expecting her to sacrifice him or something because he tells her to just get it over with but she compares it to slaughtering a lamb, if it sees the knife it panics and it fouls the meats flavor, oh they're definately not muslims then if they believe in humanely killing livestock and Stannis sneers "you've slaughtered many lambs?" and she says with an edgy intonation "and none have seen the blade" very nice thing to say to your king who barely trusts you smart move you dumb thot but she just mad dogs him and he doesn't say shit as she walks off
then we get the adorable storyline of Davos struggling to teach himself to read with the children's history book the princess gave him but he struggles on to pronounce all the stupid dragon names and is like "oh fuck me" yeah I know what you mean mate I don't even bother to try to figure out how to say that dumb shit out loud but with nothing better to do he struggles on with the actor doing a really fantastic job of pretending to struggle to do something that must come so naturally to him, probably taking inspiration from the way young children read word-by-word without it flowing very well as they're just starting to read, probably a father himself IRL, and as he manages to work out that enog is actually enough and gets to the end of the page he smiles proud of himself, awwww Davos is so cute, but when he hears someone coming he hides the book so the lizardgirl doesn't get in trouble and jumps to his feet when he sees it's Stannis who methinks is getting second thoughts about the Red Lady and maybe Davos was right and never the one for small talk Stannis awkwardly asks if they're treating him well enough, and Davos says a hot dinner is fine by him and he's seen worse, and Stannis just grumbles "yeah" like they're both hard bastards from too much action and he awkwardly gives his condolences to Davos who just nods not having processed it himself yet and then tells him the news about Gentry and Davos makes the same assumption Stannis did, that the Red Lady means to kill Gentry, inb4 she just needs him to nut in her or something for another smoke monster since he's technically closer to the throne than Stannis since smoke monsters seem to care about family trees a lot, and Stannis half-heartedly excuses they're at war so he shouldn't save "some tavern slut Robert bedded one drunken night" as if he's already over 50% decided it's wrong and Davos tells him what he came down here to hear that the kids family and hasn't betrayed him like Renly and Stannis seems to almost be wanting him to bush back further as she starts giving the Red Lady's spiel about how a great darkness will roll over the land if he doesn't triumph and he says the "I never asked for this" meme and you can tell he doesn't mean it since we see Stannis smile for the first time with tears in his eyes as he says "what's one bastard boy against an entire kingdom?" and Davos can how much he's hurting and why he's really there and just asks "your Grace, why did you come to see me today?" but Stannis says "I came to free you... if you swear to never raise your hand to the Lady Melisandre again" and Davos is avoiding accepting his son died for realistically fucking nothing by keeping his mind on his mission to do right by Stannis and is on some Real Nigga shit where he'll do whatever it takes so instantly says "I swear it" knowing it's a lie and he'll merc that thot if he has to but he cant help but add "I cant swear to never speak against her" and Stannis says "you have little regard for your own life" as if secretly that's what he likes about Davos and why he really came to him and Davos admits "quite little your Grace, verging on none" and points out he came to him "today, not yesterday or tomorrow, before she put the boy to the knife, because you knew I'd counsel restraint, you came to hear me say it because you believe it yourself, you're not aman who slaughters innocents for gain or glory" and Stannis, being a soldier through and though but that also means to him not killing someone unjustly, can't tell him he's wrong, and then Davos tells him a story about when his son was 5 he said "I don't ever want to die", edgy thing for a 5 year old to say, and he wanted to lie that he wouldn't so he wouldn't be scared, which I guess is a good thing that he implies he didn't and was honest with his son, which is probably why he trusted his father so much, and sadly that's what got him BTFO, and Davos explains "I think mothers and fathers invented the Gods because they wanted their children to sleep through the night" trying to redpill Stannis into an ebin atheist like him, top fucking kek if atheist debates saves the day, too bad this is dumb as fuck since the supernatural, and possibly only the Red Lady's God, are confirmed real, but I guess Stannis doesn't know this and didn't personally see a fucking smoke monster like Davos so he's hoping he can resolve this by making him lose his faith, but Stannis claims "I saw a vision in the flames, a great battle in the snow, I saw it! and you saw whatever she gave birth to, I never believed but when you see the truth... when it's right there in front of you, as real as these iron bars, how can you deny her god is real?" and Davos can't say shit since he's right and they live in an extremely dumb fictional universe where there's somehow atheism in a world where anyone can go to a mistic and see them summon voices from fire and bring people back to life
then outside Cairo the mercs are discussing Dany talking too much and Mero quips "she wont talk so much when she's choking on my cock!" as he fondles a cag, hopefully Dany pegs this guy or something for his edgy death, and the long haired guy says "8000 Unsullied stand between her and your cock" and Mero just quips "my cock will find a way, tell him, is there any place my cock cant reach?" to the cag but his adviser points out "she'll say whatever you pay her to say" and Mero mocks "the whore who doesn't like whores", I guess he used to be a working boy? or Mero just uses lazy insults, and the dude says "I like them very much, I just refuse to pay them" thought this meant that he just didn't give them their money at first lul but I guess he's not into whoring like most of the cast is and he tells him he's "no whore" but Mero explains what he meant by grabbing the cags bagina and says "she sells her sheath, and you sell your blade" I guess he's right, him and all their men are literally selling their bodies, and the long haired guy, who's not the best actor in the world tbh, says the Gods gave them two thrills "the thrill of fucking a woman who wants to be fucked, and the thrill of killing a man who wants to kill you" showing that he's got higher moral standards than most as that doesn't include rape and murder like most mercs wouldn't mind, and the prostitute gives him a smile like he's right and of course she doesn't want to fuck most of the men she does, and Mero just says "you'll die young" as if either his enjoyment of such risky things or sense of fair play will do him in, and he declares they don't have to deal with the Unsullied they just have to deal with her and simply suggests one of them sneak in and kill her and makes the three of them draw coins to see who does the deed, oh here we go, I can smell the bullshit from a mile away, whoever goes to kill her will get seduced or some shit or just talked around to her side, bet it'll be the sensitive moral long haired guy, and he kisses the cags arse as he makes her hand out the coins with her eyes closed so it's fair, and the "winner" is.... the long haired guy, of course, ebin, at least Dany wont be fucking Mero, inb4 she does anyway
then in King's Landing there's an awkward scene where Tyrion goes to meet Sansa... in front of Shae... and struggles to make small talk with her there so does the "leave us" meme but she wont budge until he gets Podrick to escort her out and she leaves immediately welp chalk a third thing up that Podrick perfected on his first try lmao and he tries to comfort Sansa that he didn't want this but she's already taken Marg's advice to try to make the best of it and starts speaking all submissively to him but he tells her she's not his prisoner she'll be his wife... but then he realizes "but I suppose that's a different kind of prison" and very awkwardly stumbles through trying to tell her she knows how he feels, with him being forced into marriage to, but she's not buying it, so he just admits neither have any idea how the other feels and settles for taking her hand and promising he'll never hurt her and she smiles realizing how relatively lucky she has it
then at the High Scept or whatever huge church thing its time for... one, of the weddings and Cersei is starting the day off being a massive cunt as always as Marg calls her radiant and she snaps "radiant? why radiant?" and she says with a saccharine tone "its the word that came to mind" and Cersei cringes at how annoying this woman is who then takes her arm causing Cersei to struggle not to recoil and Marg tells her "we'll be sisters soon, we should be friends!" oh yeah, she's going to be her sister-in-law AS WELL as mother-in-law, but that's nowhere near incestuous enough for our Cersei who forces herself to say "well you're a... musical girl aren't you" and as they walk down into the church they discuss a song called "The Rains of Castamere" which I've heard in many a meme I think and Cersei points out that it's about the second richest family in Westeros and asks "oh aren't the Tyrells the second richest family in Westeros?" implying something bad is done to them in the song by the richest or something and they stop by Loras who's literally doing the jdrama meme of "kabedon" where he stops the guy from leaving by putting his hand up against the wall beside him so he can flirt with him lmao
and Cersei starts summing up the story, that it's actually about what the Lannisters did to the last second richest family because they rebelled against them, and she asks "do you know where House Reyne is now?" and Marg struggles to keep her smirk in place as she says "gone" as Cersei leans into her and says through her closed teeth in that way that posh british people speak "gone? a gentle word, why not say slaughtered? every man, woman and child put to the sword" and Marg forces her to smile at passers by as this woman basically threatens to massacre her entire family and she goes on with a song in her voice now "I remember seeing their bodies hanging high above the gates of Casterly Rock, my father let them rot up here all summer, it was a long summer: "and now the rains weep o'er their halls, and not a soul to hear"" and then just as Marg has gotten the picture to stop playing nice Cersei literally just stares at her in the eyes with complete contempt and tells her completely frankly as if she doesn't even need to try to sound scary she's just telling her a fact IF YOU EVER CALL ME "SISTER" AGAIN I'LL HAVE YOU STRANGLED IN YOUR SLEEPheh something tells me there's a specific reason she doesn't like being called "sister" and then just glares at her and gives her a smile and walks off and Marg stands there for once not cocky and starts shaking as she looks around knowing she's 100% dead serious and would merc her over nothing, jesus
then we see Sansa entering the church and I guess this is her wedding because she's wearing a nice dress and Joffrey wanders up biting his lip in glee that he gets to harass Sansa some more as he's certainly gotten more... intimate with his sadistic inclinations thanks to CIA recently, and he's wearing his crown and best jacket, I thought he'd make her marry him afterall or some shit at first, but he explains "your father is gone, as the father of the realm, it is my duty to give you away to your husband" and offers her his arm and one last time she's forced to be walked by him down the steps to the relatively small crowd gathered for the ceremony and Bronn nods to her as if to say it'll be ok and she nods back to him as if she can tell he's a real nigga who wouldn't lie about this shit that's probably dumb to him and she smiles to Marg who she still thinks is her friend and swallows nervously as she passes by Tywin since she knows this is all his commanding so she better play nice and Cersei is too busy maddogging the Tyrells to even look at her and when they get in front of the priest guy Joffrey notices Tyrion has been given a small step to stand on to be the same height as Sansa so they can kiss face to face and JOFFREY TAKES AWAY TYRIONS STOOL AND SCURRIES OFF WITH IT WITH A SMIRK, HAHAHAHAHA GETTING BULLIED BY THE KING HAHHAHAHA what a fucking cunt
and the priest tells Tyrion he can now cloak Sansa to bring her under his protection and as he goes to do this tradition... he can't... because she's still standing.... and Joffrey smirks as if this is the most clever thing in the world he's done and the crowd all start tittering at Tyrion but Tywin grinds his teeth at what a literal laughing stock his faggot family is and snaps around and the crowd shut the fuck up real fucking fast but Joffrey isn't paying any attention and lets out a giggle as Tyrion has to ask Sansa to kneel down for him to cloak her and then the nervous priest, who would normally insists they take it seriously but can't exactly now, begins the ceremony as Tyrion struggles not to cry and Sansa breathes heavily as she realizes this is real and this is her fucking wedding
then with Gentry the Red Lady visits his alright living quarters and tells him "shocking isn't it? when you first encounter real wealth" and he awkwardly tells her "in flea bottom we used to eat brown stew... we'd pretend the meat in it was chicken... we.... knew it wasn't chicken" as she lights the fire and stares at him the entire time like she's judging every thing about him and then offers him wine, tasting it to prove she hasn't poisoned it... but as we know that doesn't really mean much coming from her, and Gentry sighs in relief that's not what she's doing and downs the wine with a smile and says "that's good, that's really good!" and tells him "it doesn't matter where its from, you only need a tongue to tell if it's the real thing" (>implying anyone actually drinks any alcohol for the taste and not to get buzzed and this isn't just one of these memes everyone needs to keep up to pretend they're not pathetic) as if she's describing herself as she's left her origins behind and come into power despite being lowborn, and she notices Gentry's still nervous and diagnoses "you think this is all a mistake and you'll have to pay for every bite you take" and Gentry admits shes right and she strokes his head and says "there's no mistakes, your father chose your mother because the Lord of Light willed it" and it's his destiny to be there and she starts undress him and puts her lips to his and says it's her duty to "draw the power out of him" and Gentry's confused and asks "this doesn't seem very religious?" lmao and she's like "according to who? the Silent Sisters? with their stern looks, muzzled mouths and dried up cunts?" edgy, although it is interesting how the dogshit that is the (((Abrahamic religions))) that have strict control over sexuality flourished while religions with more forgiving sexuality are nowhere to be seen, I guess because if you just fuck anyone you have a bunch of kids with fathers who might not even know they're theirs or care much about them carrying on their traditions while if you're a jew/muslim/christian you're only meant to have your one family so they better follow your traditions as you're stuck together so it's the most effective vector for these ideas to be transmitted so it won by survival of the fittest like some sort of meme evolution, and she puts her hand down his pants and asks "what have their gods done for you?" as if her god is already rewarding him with a beutiful woman who wants him in bed and tells him "gods either real or not, you only need eyes to see" as she lets her robe drop down that she's always naked underneath for tactical seduction techniques like that and the presumably virgin Gentrys eyes bulge out their sockets as she warns "death is coming for everyone and everything, a darkness that will swallow the dawn" right the White Walkers we know and she tells him "and we can stop it! you and I" as she takes him onto the bed and starts taking his pants off and we almost see his benis as she says "let me show you what you have inside you, come fight death with me" as she pops him inside her and as they start fucking and the lucky actor is actually playing with her tits
and she... puts his hands up and ties them to the bed with a belt, uh oh, and Gentry hasn't had his brain melted by porn since this is before the internet so asks "what are you doing?" and she kisses him and says "you have to trust me" as she kisses her way down his body and starts giving him head... but then she ties his feet to the bottom of the bed, oh shit, I'd start fapping if I didn't have to keep typing but wait this is even weirder than I was expecting SHE STARTS PUTTING LEACHES ON HIM and he's like "huh? get that away! get it off me! why are you doing this?" and she's like "I told you there's power in the blood of kings, and you have so much blood" I uh I guess this is a more humane way to take a blood sample from someone before they had medical needles but it seems painful as Genty writhes around and then he starts going "nononononon not there not there!" as THE RED LADY PUTS A LEACH ON GENTRYS BONER!!!!!!! no need for that you filthy cow have a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 51
and then awkwardly Stannis and Davos barge in and the Red Lady tells Gentry "you can blame Ser Davos, he didn't believe in the power of Kings blood, he wanted a demonstration" as she starts getting dressed and Gentry begs Stannis for mercy and Stannis looks at Davos who looks back like what the FUCK is going on here so the Red Lady goes over and picks the leaches off of him, with the one dragged off his dick extra painful, and puts them in a bowl, and just walks up to Stannis to let him throw it into the fire to do their retarded ritual that I guess he already agreed to do, maybe even knowing where they get the blood from, and as he throws each leach to its death he begrudgingly says "the usurper Robb Stark, the usurper Baylon Greyjoy, the usurper Joffrey Baratheon" and the three leaches writhe around boiling to death until they burst, spewing Gentry's blood into the fire, hopefully they didn't kill real leaches, I suppose she really was going to kill him but Stannis talked her down to just using leaches or something like that
then speaking of Joffrey we cut to him drinking with his family as a depressed Tyrion downs his sorrows in wine, inb4 he ends up beating Sansa anyway like how the actor who played mini-me still beat his wife with one of those grabbing hook cane things, and Sansa looks over in disgust as she realizes oh yeah he' a drunkard too, lmao, and then we see granny Tyrell trying to explain to Loras that "so, their son will be your nephew after you're wed to Cersei of course" but he's fuming that she's making him marry (a woman) and as if to try to talk him into playing along she explains "and you will be the King's stepfather and brother-in-law" and he looks over at Joffrey like he has no respect for that dipshit who's busy laughing at how drunk Tyrion is getting and Cersei glares back at thei table like she's itching to ice his entire family and then granny tells Marg "when you marry the King, Joffrey's mother will become his sister-in-law and your son will be Loras'... nephew? grandson? I'm not sure! but your brother will become your father-in-law that much is beyond dispute" lmao this shit is even too complicated for the woman arranging it
and Loras cant take it anymore and storms off and Tywin looks over in absolute disgust as his drunkard midget son checks his teeth in a dinner plate reflection and then spills wine down his front and cleans himself on the table cloth and a revolted Sansa abandons him and Joffrey senses her weakness and stands up to go bully her some more like he's in fucking highschool but his mother catches him and says "perhaps you could talk to your bride-to-be instead?" but Joffrey hisses "I've got a lifetime for that" and runs off leaving Cersei fuming that she can't even control her own son and throws down her napkin and storms off herself christ this is one awkward wedding and this is only the first of four, wait I just realized that this season will LITERALLY have FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, ebinnnn and Cersei just snaps at her handmaiden to "stay" as she follows her and the absolutely anihilated Tyrion, who probably gets given more wine than he can handle due to his size, looks over at Shae longingly when his father suddenly appears beside him literally and metaphorically looking down at him grumbling "you look rather drunk" and tells him that his wife needs a Lannister child as soon as possible, I guess knowing he needs leverage over the Tyrells asap before they start shit, and Tyrion just says "aaaaaaaand?" and Tywin says "if you're to give her one you need to perform" LMAO HE'S WORRIED HIS SON CANT GET IT UP ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT XDDDD not your daddy's LOTR indeed, and an enraged Tyrion forces himself not to do anything stupid and asks "what did you once call me? a drunken little lust filled beast?" and starts ranting about how he's the god of tits and wine and will build a shrine to himself at the next brothel he visits and Tywin stands there trying to control himself too but just snatches the glass from his son who angrily spits his wine out as he does the same mannerism Cersei and Jaime did where they writhe their head around as if they wish they could escape being conscious as their father's influence bares down on them as he growls "you can drink, you can joke, you can engage in juvenile attempts to make your father uncomfortable, but you will do your duty!" and Tywin recoils back trying not to cry as he's realizing his father is basically ordering him to fucking rape Sansa if he has to
and Lady Tyrell watches the whole thing smirking, and we see Tywin storm off past Pycelle who's flirting with women a third of his age lmao, and then Tyrion spies Loras up the stairs watching all this pathetic shit going on and raises a new glass to him as if to say "you're next buddy" which sends him off to the balcony to stand next to... Cersei... who's looking out across the sea wishing she could escape, and he tries to be nice to this woman twice his age he'll never be attracted to "my father once told you-" but based Cersei saves us from some boring as fuck anecdote and tells him "NOBODY CARES WHAT YOUR FATHER ONCE TOLD YOU" hahahahahaha ugggghhh I want an awkward and abusive arranged marriage with Cersei and she simply walks off letting Loras know the tone of their future marriage and he just sits there like jesus christ I thought the women in my family were bitches
and then we see Sansa trying to escape at least this horrible feast when Joffrey comes out of nowhere grabbing at her and filled with glee that he gets to torment her on what must be the second worst day of her life his family has given her and taunts her that she'll soon have a Lannister baby and she has to just stand there saying "yes Your Grace" and when he's not getting a reaction out of her and has matured in the ways of being a cunt from being king for a while now he gets close to her and says "although I suppose it doesn't matter which Lannister puts the baby in you, maybe I'll pay you a visit tonight after my uncle passes out? how'd you like that?" and Sansa glares at him like she wants to, no is, going to fucking kill him, and Joffrey just goes "oh you wouldn't? that's alright, Ser Meryn and Ser Boros will hold you down" leaked pic of that deleted scene
lmao he knows he couldn't overpower her enough, but he's still moved onto more sexual sadism after killing his first cag seemingly just because he's figured out that's something that would degrade the virgin Sansa the most, and he leaves with a smirk having just threatened to rape his new aunt
to go give a speech that starts with, uh oh, he announces to the party "TIME FOR THE BEDDING CEREMONY!" and Tyrion slurs "there will be no bedding ceremony" yeh we can tell m8 but a rather drunk himself Joffrey grabs Sansas hand and delcares "be respectful of tradition uncle! come everyone! pick her up and carry her to her wedding bed! get rid of her gown she wont be needing it any longer! ladies! attend to my uncle! he's not heavy!" and Tyrion tries to sober up and say repeat himself "there will be no wedding ceremony" but Joffrey yells "there will be if I command it!" like it's obvious he always gets what he wants and TYRION STABS A KNIFE DOWN ON THE TABLE AND GROWLS "THEN YOU'LL BE FUCKING YOUR OWN BRIDE WITH A WOODEN COCK"
and the entire room goes dead fucking silent and Tywin stands up as if he'll have to personally do something and Joffrey legitimately can't fucking believe it and dares Tyrion "what did you just say? what... did.... you... SAY!??!?" and looks like he's about to fly off the fucking deep end being disrespected in front of everyone, and there's a funny touch where Varys can be seen by the Tyrells hanging his head in exhaustion like he does so much to keep this country stable and these disaster cases almost destroy it every day over a tantrum, and Tyrion is so drunk he can barely keep standing and starts shaking on the spot and Tywin tries to defuse the situation by saying "I believe we can dispense with the bedding, Your Grace... I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the King" and Tyrion realizes his father is for once the most reasonable person in the room and tries to laugh it off saying "a bad joke Your Grace! made out of envy of your own royal manhood" and starts playing the wacky dwarf as he pings the knife back and forward and there's nervous titters from the crowd as he smiles up at Joffrey and starts really leaning into it saying "my own is so small! my poor wife will barely know I'm there!" and the crowd dares to laugh a bit more giving Tywin the angle he needs to save his ass and say "your uncle is clearly quite drunk, Your Grace" trying to force a smirk hoping the young man doesn't know the limits of that excuse yet and Tyrion slurs "I am! guilty! but......" and stumbles out of his chair falling about "but it is my wedding night and my tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do!" and takes the opportunity to save him from his mistake and wind his dad up a bit more as he throws himself into a table and staggers to Sansa and says "come wife! I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act, not proud of it, but I think honesty is important between a man and wife, come I'll tell you all about it, put you in the mood" and leaves with her, saving her for the moment from Joffrey
then we see them arriving in Tyrion's apartment and a nervous Sansa stands there hoping she doesn't have to lose her virginity to this disaster but Tyrion remembers his fathers demands and has to go grab another drink even though he can barely stand and she's like "is that wise My Lord?" and she just mumbles barely incoherently "mynameistyrion" and struggles to sit in a chair and tells her "astoundiiiingly long.... you're neck..... you have one" and asks her age and Sansa says FOURTEEN ooooooooooh awkwaaaaaaaaaard and Tyrion cringes only just learning how young his wife is and says "well... talk wont make you any older" and he starts mocking Tywins voice "my lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage" as Sansa realizes she has no choice... and goes and pours herself a glass of wine, which she sips as Tyrion completely downs his own, and there's some kino where Tyrion looks through a wooden fence divider thing Sansa starts getting undressed behind as if there's prison bars separating them from each other and from each of them from the rest of the world, and Tyrion looks almost scared at her like he's scared what he'll have to do, or what he's about to do, and he tells her "stop... I cant... well I could, I wouldn't" and Sansa asks "but your father?" and Tyrion yells "if my father wants someone to get FUCKED I know where he can start" and looks down like hes about to vomit from the stress and he tells her "I wont share your bed, not until you want me to" and she asks nervously, having been dodging rapes her entire visit "what if I never want you to?" and Tyrion struggles to think straight and raises a glass and says "and so my watch begins" I think mocking the Nigth's Watch's celibacy oath implying he'll never get to have sex with her and then collapses onto his couch, wew lad what a dysfunctional family, I love it
then back with oh boy Dany, the Unsullied and Dothraki are milling around in her camp when we see uh oh, one of the Unsullied looks a bit odd and is carrying an odd dagger with him, implying the long haired guy killed one and too his equipment, odd, you'd think they'd be trained to never split up, but I guess they're free now and he went to take a piss, uh... you know... sitting down... and inside Dany's tent she is being sapphically bathed by Miss, think you can do that yourself ma'am, who is telling her she speaks 19 languages and the have some banter about how she learned Dothraki "reasonably well" since it was that or grunt at her husband and Dany takes offence at "reasonably well" and insist Aquaman said she was like one born to it and Miss gets awkward but then remembers she's free and can banter back by telling her how to say the word she just tried to say in Dothraki properly and Dany struggles to repeat it lmao fucking dumb bitch but she eventually gets it right excusing she's been out of practice, implying she doesn't speak to her Dothraki in their own language anymore, nice, but Miss compliments her on her Valyran, and Dany closes her eyes relaxing, which is an obvious telegraph that something bad is about to happen, and yep, Miss yelps and Dany looks up to see AN ASSASSIN WITH HIS KNIFE TO HER THROAT and he says "no screaming, or she dies" and takes his helmet off to reveal the long haired guy
and Dany agrees to co-operate if he lets her go, and he does, and the dumb bitch doesn't leave to go get help but goes to stand beside Dany, who's um n-n-nn--nn-ipples we see, and she asks "you were sent to kill me?" yeah no shit but he says he doesn't want to and she asks "and what would your captains have to say about that?" and he just quips "you should ask them" and DUMPS THE SEVERED HEADS OF MERO AND THE OTHER GUY ON THE FLOOREDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 52
ok, I didn't see that one coming, I though there'd be some back and fourth where she tries to turn him against Mero or something who was uniquely designed, acted and written character so came off as a new player character and not just another NPC to kill off, but oh no, oh nononononono, I forgot what fucking character's storyline I was watching, this is Dany we're talking about here, who doesn't have to work for anything and has everything in her life handed to her, how fucking CONVENIENT is that this HARDENED MERCENARY WHO DOES EVERYTHING WITH HIS COMRADES decided to KILL HIS BEST FRIENDS AND COMMANDING OFFICERS for Dany after she had literally only said ONE FUCKING SENTENCE TO HIM absolute fucking drivel, imagine how cool it would have been if he was actually just there to kill her and hadn't been caught in her Mary Sue force field, imagine if Dany had to make the choice to run out of her tent naked and screaming for help when he had Miss by the throat and when the Unsullied come in and kill him she finds he slit Miss' throat and realizes she sacrificing her new friends life for her own, you know just a bit of consequences, or if instead of the long haired guy it was Mero who came to kill her, and she had to make the horrible choice of pretending to be trying to bribe him with a fuck to spare her so she can get the opportunity to stab him during sex or something, and what a missed opportunity Mero was, there could have been some gangster shit where she tries to work out how to get this obvious strongheaded misogynist under her command, and there could be some real nigga shit where her forces surround his men and tells him to bow to her, and she says some edgy shit about how she'll bow to his cock, so she starts executing one of his men for every second he's not on his knees, and he eventually breaks down and gives in, and then that's how she earns control over his forces, by showing she's the realest nigga who can even break this ultra confident hardmans will and his men all respect her or something, but no, she gains control of her fourth and soon fifth group because one of their leaders becomes another one of her beta orbiters after meeting her once where she didn't do anything impressive and just played along with his dickhead friend, absolute fucking drivel, what the fuck are they thinking with this shit, this needs to be edited out into it's own spin-off, I mean if they'd at least write Dany as an actual badass I'd give in and like it, but this is just silly
and he explains he did this because "we had.... philosophical differences over your beauty, it meant more to me than it did to them" a tip tip tip m'lady and she remarks "you're a strange man" and he says "I'm the simplest man you'll ever meet" yeah you can say that again mate "I only ever do what I want to do" hmmmmmmm how veeeeeery convenient that this hedonistic iconoclast just so happened to make a rash decision that basically gives her cheat codes, quite the coincidence that he didn't do, you know, literally anything else, like just warn her of the assassination attempt because he thought it was funny, fuck with the king somehow so he cancels their contracts and his friends side with her, turns on the king right away and makes him free his slaves, go kill the king and start killing slaves to try to get her to surrender, go and try to seduce her just to piss off his friends, force her to fist fight him, anything but this, and Dany asks "and this is meant to impress me?" and he shrugs his shoulders and goes "yes?" and Dany asks the pertinent question "why would I trust a man who murders his comrades?" and he says "they ordered me to murder you, I told them I preferred not to, they told me I had no choice, I told them I am Daario Naharis, I always have a choice, they drew their swords and I drew mine" I tip tip tip my fedora to you my good sir and he says this so smugly that Dany rewards him by standing up and showing him (originally freudien typod this as "me" beaus I'm such a desperate virgin) titties and bagina and the actor cant help but blink previously lmao shit actor oh why did it have to be this guy that survived and not based Mero and Dany walks up to him after Miss puts her robe on and asks "will you fight for me? swear it" and Daario takes out his sickle and says "the Second Sons are yours, and so is Daario Naharis, my sword is yours my life is yours my heart is yours" ok so now she has a Dothraki tribe of merciless savages, three thought-extinct dragons, the biggest city in the world, an army of indomidable special forces soldiers and now an army of mercinaries all under her control, absolutely fucking epic and very earned and very believable, what a shit show
anyway then we see, oooh awkwaaaaard, Shae storming into Tyrion's apartment waking up Sansa who slept on the bed and it looks like she put a blanket over Tyrion who's sleeping on his couch, awww, and he tells her "you really ought to knock" yeah really but she's in a huff pretending nothings wrong and just starts dressing Sansa but then she takes the sheets off the bed and smiles to find no blood, even though that's an obvious megameme that I'm not sure has actually happened once ever since you'd have to be fucking your wife with a knife to get her to bleed enough to hit the mattress, and she shares a knowing look with her lover and leaves happy, and Tyrion smiles to himself that they're both alright..... for now
then back over The Wall fatass Sam has managed to take Gilly and her son to the tree he swore his oaths at and looks in a burnt out cabin for any sign of any more survivors or anything worse but it's nada so they decide to stay there and then some crows start landing around looking at him edgily and I try to see if they have 3 eyes but I guess not and then at night dumbass Sam is failing to start a fire so Gilly invites him under her fur blanket to keep each other warm and he sits there awkward like oh shit I'm sitting net to a cute girl and he says "he winked at me before!" and Gilly just gawps at him and says "I doubt it" since she might have a baby but is still mentally like 6 from being raised exclusively by her abusive father and his other slave daughters and he tries to make smalltalk about how there's only a philosophical difference between blinking and winking and she snaps at him "sometimes do you talk fancy on purpose to confuse me?" and he starts sweating profusely and says "its just the way I talk!" and she hands him the baby and says she'll build the fire and he sits there like oh god I'm an idiot and she says she hasn't picked a name since she doesn't know boys names for obvious reasons and he's like "let's see, there's.... Duncan... Kevin, Jon" GRRM just getting lazy here I see where are the fantasy names you fat fuck "Guymon, Feldan, Tristifer" ok there we go, some nice made up names, and she suggests "Craster" and he's like "uh, yes.... maybe that's not" since that's her fathers name, but then she suggests the nicer "Mormont", the guy who died trying to protect her sister, which fatty tries to explain is a family name by telling her about his own family and she says "Randylls a lovely name" after he says that's his fathers name but he deadpans "please don't name him Randyll" after his father who hates him lmao but for the first time Gilly actually connects with him and looks up and asks "is your father cruel like mine?" and Sam nervously says "different manner of cruel" since at least his dad didn't fucking rape him and as if that gives her the confidence she needs she gets the fire going and says "not Randyll then" and sits down smiling at him, but they can only be happy for a nanosecond as they hear a shit load of crows kicking off outside and when he lights a stick on fire she begs him not to go but he says he's just going to look.... but takes his sword with him... and he goes to find the white oak tree of the old gods he converted to... entirely fucking coated with crows, all yammering away staring at him
and he warns Gilly to stay inside but suddenly... all the crows fall silent and Sam looks over to see... HUMAN FIGURE IN THE WOODS OH HSI TTHW ATHWHAT THE UCK IS THAT
and Sam drops the flaming torch, bad move fatboy, and Gilly sequels "its come for the baby!" and the figure starts getting closer and closer and Sam brings his sword up and yells "stay back" but it starts unclenching it's frozen frostibtten fist and he starts to recognize it as... oh shit... ITS THE WHITE WALKER LEADER THAT SAW SAM LAST SEASON
and Sam is absolutely terrified but he stands his ground and yells "you stay back" but THE WHITE WALKER SIMPLY REACHES UP AND HOLDS HIS SWORD AND FREEZES IT SO FAST IT EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND DIFFERENT SHARDS
AND THEN BACKHANDS SAM ACROSS THE GROUND AND STARTS MARCHING TOWARDS GILLY AND THE CRYING BABY AND SAM'S LIKE NO THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY!!! AND HE TAKES OUT THE DRAGONGLASS DAGGER AND RUNS UP LIKE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE INCEL RAAAAAAAAAAAGE
and Sam can't fucking believe it but he grabs Gilly and they leg it as the swarm of crows follows after him who I suppose are like the old gods monitoring this crucial moment first "hand" and I'm also guessing that dagger can one-shot the White Walkers because them being ice-based beings are very weak to dragon fire based attacks, wew nice stuff, I have a feeling the edgy wedding is next though
Game of Thrones 3x09: "The Rains of Castamere" LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOAAAGGHH special edition
First aired: June 2, 2013
we intro on Robb looking at his autistic chess set that now has pieces for the Bolton's on it, and I just noticed their insignia of a skinned man is upside down probably because that's what they'd do in real life to keep the person conscious with as much blood easily going to their brain as possible rather than passing out from blood loss and their heart not being able to pump it upwards to their brain if they were the right way up, edgy, and he's planning out taking Casterly Rock but Cat can tell he's not got his heart in it if he's telling her but he admits she was right about Jaime and he's fucking up the war doing it by himself so asks her advice and she says it's only possible if the riverking Frey guy co-operates and she gets her big brain 200 IQ play on and explains that due to Casterly Rock's location if Tywin's army gets there from King's Landing before they do they'll be trapped against the sea, sounds like some Dunkirk shit just waiting to happen, and when Robb says "we'll die like father died, or worse" Cat gets triggered and says "show them what it feels like to lose what they love" which for the Lannister's is their money lmao
then we see Robb's wolf leading a convoy of his people to the Twin Towers and we see them doing some tradition where Robb, Cat, her uncles and the nurse all eat some rice from the same plate as old mangy ass Frey as he gives a spiel about how he swears his protection to them in the light of the 7 and Robb apologizes for standing up his daughters who Frey marches out to guilt him about it and he introduces this uhhh quite old looking but presumably still fertile woman, a tall ass girl, two plain looking girls and then his granddaughters a ugh jewish looking woman, a smaller jewess, a sickly looking girl, two a bit chubby ginger twins, a woman who's chin is about to vanish into her throat, a strawberry blonde that has her eyes up so is probably the new side character that will get chosen and when he gets to the end of a woman with a big nose and already grey hair he forgets her name lmao and the groom-to-be shitty archer guy stands there super duper awkward cringing that he'll have to choose one of these women to marry like a line-up in a brothel who's grandfather can barely remember their names before selling them off, to be honest none of them are actually ugly since this is American TV and it's illegal to have even average looking people never mind the ghastly melting goblin people that make up the modern day American population all these girls are like 6/10s or even 7 or 8 if you actually take into account what actual ugly people look like I mean rating something as subjective as who you find aesthetically pleasing is fucking retarded but especially when people have high as fuck standards from seeing more humans in the media than they do in person but just walk down the street and you'll see massive blob monsters pretending to be people and you'll be like oh yeah that girl with the imploding chin or massive jew nose is actually above average since at least her skin is clear and her features are symmetrical and she doesn't look like someone microwaved a pizza for too long anyway he finally introduces his youngest daughter, a nervous looking little loli, who "hasn't bled yet" and he chides Robb for not having the patience for "all that" and Robb awkwardly apologizes to them
he should have really just kept his marriage secret or you know not done it at all since it doesn't matter beyond inheritance traditions and this woman doesn't have shit to contribute, and his wife notices that uh oh one of the girls is it seems already pregnant, lmao, shes not getting married off the slut, and the nurse starts feeling guilty as Robb says he loved another as she's fucked up these girls chances of a much easier life, and Frey claps condescendingly as Robb humbles himself and awkwardly asks the nurse to step forward so he can see her and with a nod from Robb he allows it and he says "love, that's what the Starks from Winterfell call it? very honerable, I call it a pretty face, a very pretty face, better looking than this lot! very shapely as well, oh you try to hide her under this dress" calling out Robb for just being shallow but when he doesn't get a response he goes on "I can always see whats beneath a dress, been at this a long time, I bet when you take that dress off everything stays right where it is, doesn't drop an inch! he says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for FIRM TITS AND A TIGHT FIT!" and when Robb's about to say shit as his masculinity is being challenged by this the more sensible Cat stops him as Frey finished "and I respect that! when I was your age I would have broken 50 vows to get into that without a second thought!" and gives a cheeky smile lmao so I guess he can understand and isn't that bitter... or so it seems, and he says the Starks can camp outside and soon "the wine will flow red and the music will play loud and we'll put this mess behind us!" but his girls still look sad as they don't know which one's getting married off yet I don't think, hmmm uh ohhhhhh, 1 wedding down and 3 to go the odds are getting worse and worse
then with Dany she is being shown on a map by whats his name, the edgy guy, a secret passage into the city his men use to see bedslaves, and Jorah challenges him on claiming he never sees prostitutes, and this guy says "I have no interest in slaves, a man cannot make love to property" which seems a bit too nice for him it's probably just that he likes the challenge of seducing a woman rather than just paying for it which any wanker can do, but it works and Dany looks up at him with respect, and Barry challenges him that they cant sneak an army into the city, so the edgy guy just says he'll kill the guards and take in the two best men to open the gates, and Jorah looks Grey Worm figuring that's the two of them since Barry's like 65 sorry m8, and calls the edgy guy out again since he's such a fucking butthurt beta orbiter that this could just be a trick to take out the head of their army and then he can get paid easy peasy and without having to split it three ways since he slaughtered his last partners and the edgy guy just says "you have a very suspicious mind, in my experience only dishonest people think this way" and Jorah looks like he's about to do a work place shooting or something and asks Grey Worm for his input and he has to have Dany tell him he can make decisions now before telling her in Valyrian "I trust him" yeah I'm sure the brainwashed drone who's been kept in a slave pen all his life is a good judge of character and Barry offers to come but Jorah says he's Queenguard and you need to do your duty no matter your pride and he nods since I guess Jorah might be the most jealous friendzoned beta alive but at least he'll take an old impotent man over this new Chad coming to cuck em and fuck ems girl
then with Sam and Gilly he's explaining to her that they're going to the the Nightfort which is the closest castle on The Wall that has a secret "sally port" whatever that is that he read about in a very old book which confuses Gilly since she was never taught to read and asks "you know all that from staring at marks on paper? you're like a wizard!" and Sam looks concerned at first like he knows it's fucked up this girl has never even met a literate person before but then when she walks on he can't help himself but get a big grin that a girl finally admires him awwww and then when she sees The Wall she stares up in wonder and says "my father used to tell us no Wildling saw the wall and lived... well here we are... alive!" to her mewling baby, if I was Sam I couldn't help myself but pretend to be about to kill her which is why it's a good thing I don't leave the house
then we see The Hound coming upon a travelling merchant or something and threatening Arya not to run and to pretend he's her father and the man is whining about how the roads have gone to hell, presumably from the war having them both over-used and under-managed, heh, who will build the roads indeed, as his cart has gotten stuck and he says he needs at least 6 guys to help him but The Hound effortlessly picks it up by himself for him to place his wheel back in and as soon as the man mentions he's going to the Twin Towers for the wedding THE HOUND LUMPS HIM OUT lmao and when he takes out his knife Arya runs up to stop him but he grumbles "dead rats dont speak" as if that's just the normal procedure and Arya calls him out "oh you're so dangerous aren't you? saying scary things to little girls, killing little boys and old people, a real hard man you are" but The Hound's more been forced into this behavoir to survive his brother than the Toxic Masculinity™ that might bring some men to act this way especially in a time of war and Arya starts talking shit "you're wrong, I know a killer, a real killer! you'd be like a kitten to him, he'd kill you with his little finger" and The Hound is hardly listening and is just like "that him?" to the old man and Arya confusedly says "no?" as the mans mule hee-haws nervously in the background as if it can see what's about to happen lmao and The Hound snarls "good" and goes at him again but Arya just results to begging him not to which is what gets to The Hound who puts his ting ting away and warns her "you're very kind, someday it'll get you killed" not sure what the fuck his problem was since obviously everyone at the Twin Towers is going to know he's bringing Arya there when he turns up anyway, guess it's just second hand nature to kill the witnesses when on a mission in this environment judging from how Jaime was actually right about that farmer snitching on them, and then the old man wakes up and ARYA HERSELF KNOCKS HIM BACK UNCONSCIOUS WITH A LOG for his own sake much to The Hounds shock that she's harder than she looks
then we see Bran's crew arriving at that old windmill we actually saw Jon and Yig at hopefully they haven't missed each other too badly so this fucking wandering through the countryside for a year storyline can end already, and Bran says that poor old dead teacher taught him that this was given to the Night's Watch by his namesake Bran the Builder to support them but the new boy points out it's clearly not doing that at the moment and Bran explains it's because of Wildling attacks, and Osha looks cross, and little Rickon or whatever his name is says his Old Nan told him they'd make you drink your own blood from your own skull cap, and Osha looks at him even more cross lmao, and the new boy I guess does his Warg shit and tells them a storm is about to hit before any of the others can tell, I'm getting a strong DnD vibe from this bunch of literal retards as if they're four PCs with their pet who were wandering around at random not knowing what to do so the DM gave them two NPCs to travel with them and railroad them to the right quest
then speaking of Wildling attacks we see the other Warg scuttling about spying on some old man with 8 horses, guess he cant Warg into horses and had to see with his own eyes or something, and Jon says he's a horse breeder for the Nights Watch so the ginger nut suggests robbing him and Jon insists they don't hurt him but edgy Yig says a spear through the heart is a better way to die than old age uhhhhh I doubt he'd agree, and they think Jon's a pussy so he tries to reason "the Nights Watch will send a few men for horse thieves, but a lot more for murderers" and the ginger edgily says "I hope so, killing crows in their castle is tough, killing them out here in the open, that's what we do" as Wildings are quite acquainted to gorilla warfare such as luring your enemy out to pick them off in smaller numbers and orders his men to surround the mans hut and they all go running fast AF with Jon struggling to keep up and he thinks fast and "accidentally" clips his sword on a rock, alerting the horses which start milling around and grunting anxiously, thus alerting the horse breeder who looks out and sees the attacking savages and he thinks fast and hops on one of his horses and peaces the fuck out but as he's riding off Yig takes him with her bow, Jon tries to get her to stop but she fires anyway, but thankfully misses and hits a tree the guy was behind
then we cut to Arya overlooking the Twin Towers and looking worried as she sees the smoke emitting from the Starks camp for some reason and she goes to take it out on The Hound who's stolen the mans cart and is pigging out on it that "no one's going to believe you're a hog farmer if you eat it all" homeboy's wearing chainmail, leather armor, some plate pieces and a huge sword it's pretty clear he's not a farmer and he just waggles a pig hoof at her and says "best part of the animal" and then calls her out for being afraid something will go wrong at the last second, and she's probably not wrong, and he edgily tells her "I know fear when I see it, seen it a lot!" but Arya calls him out and "I knew fear when I saw it in you, you're afraid of fire, when Beric's sword went up in flames you looked like a scared little girl, and I know why too, I heard what your brother did to you, pressed your face to the fire like you're a nice juicy mutton chop" I was kind of hoping that detail in his performance would stay subtext but oh well and The Hound looks shook at first that she knows his worst fear but then just admits it like so what, not hard to notice really, and asks "that give you some ideas?" and Arya just looks away edgily and quips "might do" and the Hound dares her to try running down to see her family for the first time since Ned got beheaded and Arya very very edgily turns to say to him "some day I'm going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull" and The Hound stares at her in amazement that she really means it and can tell she's gonna be a Real Nigga too when she grows up
then in the windmill Bran and his crew are hiding from the storm and Osha notices that Hodor is scared of the thunder and they ask her how she got over The Wall and she just says she took a boat around it lmao, DONALD DRUMPF BTFO, and as Hodor starts panicking the new boy suggests going through one of the castles but then his sister spots the horse breeder hightailing by it outside but then she says "there's more... wildlings" uh oh, some of them have taken his other horses and given chase, should have done the ye olde version of cutting the gas lines of other cars around so you cant be followed and slit the horses tendons lis, and Osha tries to keep Hodor quiet and she asks Bran where the wolves are but they're out hunting and as the thunder gets louder Hodor starts yelling and Bran tries to tell him HUSH HODOR! NO MORE HODORING! lmaoooo but he's got sensitive hearing or something, presumably from the brain damage I think he got, and starts clutching his head and staggering around yelling his meme, and the incel Warg guy outside hears the racket and holy shit BRAN WARGS INTO HODOR AND MAKES HIM STOP which results in Hodor passing out and Bran looking mildly braindamaged like him for a split second
and they hear a horse screaming as it's dying outside and we cut to the wildlings surrounding the breeder having filled his horse full of arrows just outside the windmill and when the incel Warg tells ginger nut he heard yelling up there he taunts him that it must be ghosts, and when they go talk to the breeder he pulls a knife, nice, but ginger nut just tells him frankly "that wont help you now" and casually takes it off of him and asks where he's going and he says "doesn't matter now" and ginger nut agrees and the incel Warg says to kill him to stop snitching so ginger takes out his sword and just shrugs and says "you understand" and the old man requests "let me stand at least, let me go with a bit of dignity"
as... Bran and Rickon's black and white direwolves arrive back and start spying on the Wildlings from behind a cart and they help the old man up and are about to cut him down when the incel Warg says "make the crow kill him! you're one of us now, prove it" and Jon stands there gawping like a moron not knowing what to do, but inside the mysterious boy who's name I forgot tells Bran "your wolves are out there" as if he's the mentor NPC who tries to explain the game mechanics to the player character and Bran says "I cant do it by choice, I don't know how, it happens in my dreams" but the boy says "you're a Warg, Bran, it's in your blood" and outside Jon takes his sword out and puts it to the mans neck and he says "she looks sharp!" and he forces himself to close his eyes and looks up into the pouring down rain and starts saying a prayer to whatever gods he has and Yig starts telling Jon "do it... do it" and the incel Warg says "told you, he's one of them" and the ginger orders him "go on boy!" and Jon takes his sword back and steels himself as it decides to be a Real Nigga or not but YIGRITTE KILLS THE OLD MAN WITH AN ARROW I guess because she couldn't bare Jon living with the guilt of executing an innocent man and the incel Warg looks like he knew he couldn't trust either of them and draws his blade and the ginger nut more angrily draws his and the Warg says "he's still a crow, he'll always be a crow and here's his CROW WIFE guarding him" as Yig and Jon huddle up as the other Wildlings surround them and the ginger nut hesitates as he likes both of them but the incel Warg hisses "he'll stab us in the back first chance he gets"
so he decides "KILL HIM!" AND YIGRITTE AIMS HER ARROW AT HIM BUT JON TACKLES HER OVER AND STARTS SWORD FIGHTING WITH THE INCEL WARG AND THE GINGER NUT GRABS YIGRITTE AND TRIES TO TELL HER "HE'S ONE OF THEM" AS JON SLITS A WILDLINGS BELLY OPEN AND FIGHTS ANOTHER ONE BUT SHE BITES GINGER NUTS FINGERS AND TRIES TO RUN OFF SO HE JUMPS ON TOP OF HER AND STARTS SCREAMING AT HER "YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE FOR ONE OF THEM"
and inside the windmill the boy is telling Bran calmly "do it, they're going to find us if you dont" and Bran's eyes go white as... the white direwolf starts grumbling and looking off at Jon fighting a Wildling, and another one starts rushing him from behind but BRAN CONTROLS THE THE WHITE DIREWOLF TO DIVE ON TOP OF HIM YEAH BOIIIIIIIIII
and just flys off so Jon jumps on a horse and rides off leaving just Yig and the ginger nut standing in the rain, awkwaaaaard, so I guess what happened there is the incel Warg can actually transfer his soul or whatever into that bird even though his own body died or something? I thought that was just a last ditch attempt to kill Jon too before his body died but since it flew off and Jon seemed to chase it I guess he's trying to catch this eagle before it can get to Mance and grass him up or something (waiting for a scene of the incel trying to get his friends attention and having to like write it out in the snow since he can't speak but none of them can read and kill him for supper lmao)
then in not!Egypt we pan over the huge harpy statue over the city and outside the city the edgy guy who's name is ummmm ah yes Daario tells Jorah and Grey Worm that he'll whistle as the signal as he's "the greatest whistler in the land" right great and then he goes up to the guard to let him in and after they hear nothing they here the signal so go in and Jorah expects to have to fight the guy or something if Daario just walked past him or some shit but he's already dead and Daario quips "heh that one was quick" as he sits there cleaning his sickle what a fucking dickhead and Jorah warns there might be more but he says "the Yunkish prefer to let their slaves do their fighting for them" and as if on cue DOZENS OF SOLDIERS DESCEND UPON THEM AND JORAH STARTS DEFENDING HIMSELF FROM THEIR SWORDS
AND JORAH DOWNS ONE AND MERCS HIM AS THE OTHER TWO SLAUGHTER MEN ALL AROUND HIM WITH DAARIO WHIPPING HIS SICKLE AROUND LIKE ITS JUST A GAME TO HIM AND GREY WORM EFFICIENTLY AND RUTHLESSLY NEUTRALISING EVEN DOWNED ENEMIES
that was a dank little fight scene that was very well put together to show all the different characters skill sets and personalities nice stuff
then back at the Twin Towers we see in the Stark camp outside there are some shirtless men wrestling as they all get drunk and inside I guess a daughter has been chosen as it's time for the wedding and Frey walks one of his daughters or granddaughters down the aisle but she's got a veil over her head so we cant see if it's one of the hotter ones and Cat's uncle nods to her that this is alright by him and he'll do his part and Robb looks behind him at Roose who's arrived just checking to make sure he's got his back and when they finally get to the alter Frey looks up at the shitty archer and doesn't seem to care one way or another about him and just takes off his daughters veil to show... A REALLY HOT YOUNG WOMAN!!! much to Edmure's surprise and she kneels down and says "I hope I'm not a disappointment to you" and Edmure sighs in relief and says "you're a delight to me young lady" and the priest guy says "you may now cloak the bride and bring her under your protection" and he does the same tradition Tyrion did with a uhhh bit more success and Robb looks over at Frey who gives him a big cheeky smile like obviously that's the choice that'd make everyone happy and Robb allows himself a bit of relief that this guy will do right by his family and Edmure smiles as the priest ties the two of their hands together and says the ritual words for them to repeat and it's a wee bit weird since the uncle is clearly like 40 and she's only like 16 at best but oh well, and Robb looks at his wife, and Cat's older uncle looks at the oldest Frey daughter who smiles at him and he turns around super quick as he's not interested lmao
then at night still in the windmill Bran is realizing that he can control his wolf whenever he wants and the boy explains there's Wildlings that can control all sorts of animals but he did something no one else can: control another human, and they all stare in awe at Bran's power, and Bran remembers what he saw and tells Rickon he saw Jon fighting the wildings and escape and insists on going beyond The Wall on the boy, Jojen's, autistic side-mission to find a three-eyed raven much to Osha's distress, but Bran's so confident in his abilities now he doesn't need her anymore and says she can stay to look after Rickon who demands to go see their brother, and he actually feels responsible for protecting Bran since he's disabled, and there's a really sweet scene between these two young actors as Bran tries to tell Rickon it's his turn to protect him now as Rickon tears up at being separated from yet another family member, but Osha cuddles him and promises they'll go on many adventures, telling Bran that she'll do right by his family since they showed her such mercy, and to not make it any worse she goes to leave now but lets Rickon hug his brother goodbye and then tells Jojen and his sister to keep him safe as "he means the world to me" and she takes Rickon out with his wolf following, awwww, inb4 they die horribly
then in Dany's tent Barry is nervously pacing around drinking as it's been a bit too long but then Jorah and Grey Worm return, covered in dirt and blood, and Jorah tells her "it was just like you said, they did not believe until it was too late, their slave soldiers threw down their spears and surrendered!" and he gets a big grin like he's so proud her mission is working and she asks "and Daario?" and Jorah's face falls, making you think he died, but no, he's sad because... he's completely fine, and walks out also covered in blood and presents her with I guess the kings flag or something and says "THE CITY IS YOURS, MY QUEEN" lmao cucked yet again Jorah, shoulda stabbed him in the back or some shit mid-battle, so great, NOW DANY HAS CONTROL OF HER F_I_F_T_H GROUP WITH Z_E_R_O EFFORT OF HER OWN, I mean seriously, she has the Dothraki because her dumbass husband let himself get cut to seem cool lmao, she took Qarth because the most powerful warlock is a moron who chained her next to her dragons, she took the Unsullied because the king did the same meme and now this Chad has given her his men and that egyptian city on a whim, and she only has the dragons by coincidence of birth anyway, absolutely ecib
then, oh fuck, I think this is it, ok fuck, inside the Twin Towers a band is on an upper level playing some happy tunes as Frey sits at the grand table drinking next to Edmund and his new wife as this big food hall is full of happy guests all feasting away and Robb allows himself a rare laugh of happiness and Cat gossips with her uncle about how happy his nephew is despite all his whining on the way up, oh I guess he's her cousin, and they joke about how the Gods love to reward a fool, and then we see ol straight edge, in a lot of ways, Roose refusing wine from a servant and Cat asks him whats up and Roose says he never drinks because it "dulls the senses" and her uncle just raises a goblet and says "that's the point!" and they discuss how Roose actually married another one of Frey's granddaughters with the promise of the girls weight in silver as a dowry, always seemed odd to me that that was a cultural thing, for the father of the girl to pay the groom, you'd think it would be the other way around since she's the one that's the reproduction bottleneck and the son could get any woman pregnant by frickin accident, humans be weird, but Roose reveals "so I have a fat young bride" and the uncle laughs at his wiles on conning Frey out of his silver but Cat isn't amused at treating women like property so she tells him "I hope she makes you very happy" and Roose just smiles "well shes made me very rich" and the uncle can feel the awkwardness so leaves for a piss
and Robb spots this and says he should rescue her but his wife says "your mother is less in need of rescue than any woman I've ever met" which Robb actually thinks is an insult, to call a woman self-reliant, I guess that's calling her femininity into question in this culture, and he tells her "be kind! she's finally starting to like you" as they watch Cat awkwardly sitting in silence to Roose, and his wife taunts him that if his mum had her way she'd be back home and he'd be the one being forced to marry, and he looks at the beautiful young bride and memes back "perhaps I've made a terrible mistake" much to his wife's shock and she goes to playfully slap him but he grabs her hand and teases "assaulting your king is an act of treason" and goes to kiss her but she warns him not to insult Frey like that and just then Frey yells down YOUR GRACE! and the whole hall starts banging on their tables to hype up his speech and Frey tries to sober up enough to say "the scepton has prayed his prayers, some words were said, and Lord Edmure has wrapped my daughter in a cloak... but! they are not yet man and wife... a sword needs a sheath! hahahahahahaheheheeheheh and a wedding needs a bedding! what do my sires say?" and almost all the men in the hall start banging their tables cheering "to bed! to bed! to bed!" and Robb notices how nervous the young girl is and stands up to say "if you think the time is right, Lord Walder, by all means... let us bed them" to the disappointment of the young girl and Emund just gives her a big cheeky smile and everyone cheers and the band starts playing again with their happy upbeat music and they all start chanting "to bed! to bed! to bed!" and the men go and do the ritual that Tyrion interrupted where they pick up the bride and carry her away and all her sisters, cousins and aunts go and grab Edmund and drag him off and he laughs in delight warning them "don't set that monster free, there's no caging him again!" as he's already rearing to go
and Cat looks around awkwardly at this objectification and tells Roose "poor girl" who he says "every bride suffers the same, I'm sure you endured yours with grace" but she says "oh Ned forbade it, he said it wouldn't be right if he broke a man's jaw on our wedding night" I was confused at first and honestly my mind went to like "Ned wouldn't fuck his wife on their wedding night because... he needs to get a man to suck him off before he fucks a woman, which would break his jaw with his giant dick?" but then I realized Ned just wouldn't let any other man carry his wife to his bed, and Roose lets out a rare chuckle and wanders off and Robb's wife (who I just learned is Charlie Chaplin's great granddaughter lol) tells him "that is... a very strange custom" and Robb admits it seems weird from her perspective but says it's to provide proof of consummation, so I guess the best men and bridesmaids.... watch them fuck? lmao what the fug mate but she puts his hand to her belly and says "there are other ways of providing proof" awww but also oh shit and she says if it's a boy they should name him Eddard and Robb was joking about but then it hits him his father never got to see grandchildren but he admires his wife for choosing that name and kisses her lovingly and Cat looks over smiling as if everything will be worth it if her children can be happy... but then she notices a guard walk up to the big tall doors and close them... and the band starts playing The Rains of Castamere a super sad sounding song, which is the one Cersei was telling Marg about being about her family mercing the second richest family, uuuuh ooooooh, and Cat looks around concerned and the tone picks up to be a bit more light hearted
then outside in a horse pen we see Robb's direwolf getting agitated as i it can sense something and then we see The Hound trying to hide his massive frame under a cloak riding in on the cart he stole with Arya in the back and a guard stops him and tells him the feast is over and The Hound tries to argue his way in but the guard tells him to turn the cart around and leave, and when The Hound turns around of course Arya has made her escape
then back inside Frey puts his hand up to stop the music and calls "Your Grace" oooh goooddddd and Robb stands before him looking happy, double uh oh, as Frey tells him "I feel I've been remiss in my duties I've given you meat and wine and music but I havn't shown you the hospitality you deserve" and he struggles not to laugh
AND THE BAND ALL TAKE OUT CROSSBOWS AS ITS TIME TO LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
AND ALL THE OTHER GUARDS LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR AS THEY START SLITTING ALL THE STARK GUESTS THROATS WITH KNIVES WITH CAT'S UNCLE GOING FIRST
AND ROBB'S WIFE TOPPLES OVER CRYING AND THE ARCHERS RELOAD AND DROP ROBB WITH ANOTHER VOLLEY AND FREY STARES AS THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SCREAMS OF HORROR OF MEN AND WOMEN BEING SLAUGHTERED
AND... GIVES A COCKY SMILE AS THIS IS ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN! AND HE CASUALLY SIPS HIS GOBLET AS EVERY STARK GUEST IS STABBED TO DEATH IN A FURY OF VIOLENCE WITH BLOOD SPRAYING ALL OVER THE TABLES AND FLOOR
and then outside Arya sneaks in and her eyes light up as a guard asks a Stark soldier "you ready to head home to Winterfell eh?" as she sees her people for the first time in like 2 years and the Stark soldier asks "feast over then is it?" and the guard goes "yeah, ITS OVER" AS HE SLITS THE MANS THROAT AND HIS FRIENDS STAB ALL THE STARK SOLDIERS TO DEATH
and Arya cowers in the corner in horror but she looks over at the horse stable the direwolf is trapped in and is trying to bust out of as it can sense it's master is in trouble but a team of guards march up and fires crossbow bolts through the window from the outside like cowards and Arya looks over as she sees the direwolf making eye contact with her one last time as it dies n-no the d-doggy not the doggy and when she sees more men coming her way she makes a run for it to the horses and The Hound appears and tells her "it's too late" but she tries to run anyway so he just gives her a thump on the back of her head knocking her out, puts her over his shoulder and walks off with her which is actually the bit that effected me emotionally the most, the idea that if the two of them had only arrived a few moments later maybe it would have disrupted the plans or maybe The Hound could have saved them for a reward or something, but because they spent so much time arguing they were too late, but also if they'd been there they'd probably just have been murdered too, all based on random chance, just like muh DnD rolls
then inside the dining hall Cat is crawling under a table as she hears the cries and groans and clattering chairs of the men being finished off by the guards and she looks over to see Frey's wife hiding under his table and Robb looks over to see his wife still clutching her barely showing pregnant belly with their half-formed child in it, that Ned lasted even less than the last one, and he pathetically tries to go to her, and Frey holds his hand up for his men to stop so he can chortle "The King of the North arises" and the men laugh as Robb struggles to his feet so he can pull his wife's clearly cold and pale corpse into his arms but CAT GRABS A BREAD KNIFE AND PUTS IT TO FREY'S WIFE'S NECK and tells him "Lord Walder! enough! let it end! please! he is my son! my first son! let him go and I swear that we will forget it I swear it by the Old Gods and New we will take no vengeance" but the seemingly very petty but also probably just on the take Frey hisses "you already swore me one oath right here in my castle, you swore by all the Gods your son would marry my daughter!" and Cat cries "take me for a hostage, but let Robb go!" and she desperately pleads "Robb, get up, get up and walk out" but he's just sitting there completely despondent staring at his dead wife who um I guess wasn't a spy after all woops nvm lol and she starts crying "PLEASE! PLEAAAASE!!!" at him so this can't all be for nothing but he's completely zoned out and Frey teases "and.... why would I let him do that?" showing it's hopeless anyway but Cat snaps back up ready for the Realest Nigga time ever and tells him ON MY HONOR AS A TULLY, ON MY HONOR AS A STARK, LET HIM GO, OR I WILL CUT YOUR WIFE'S THROAT
as if she's the most hardened warrior in the room and hearing the most gangster shit ever Robb struggles to his feet realizing this is his only chance but Frey just says...... "I'll find another" and smiles like he doesn't give a fuck, and his wife looks at him not even surprised knowing she's fucked, and Cat glares him a promise she'll do it anyway, and Robb manages to mumble "mother" and Cat turns to look at her son, with a big smile on her face as if it'll all be alright if she can just see her darling son one more time, ok that got an emotional reaction out of me to tbh since seeing your kids die is probably the worst thing possible, but then ROOSE WALKS UP TO ROBB AND TELLS HIM "THE LANNISTERS SEND THEIR REGARDS" BEFORE STABBING HIM IN THE HEARTEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 54
and he collapses to his knees still looking his mother in the eyes before his heart pumps a big gush of blood out the hole and he collapses in a heap next to his butchered wife and Cat gives a primal scream of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh and in a moment beyond all morality and politics of just sheer animal agony CAT SLITS FREY'S WIFE'S THROAT, SPRAYING BLOOD INTO THE AIREDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 55
and the poor teenage seeming aged girl flops down like a dead fish, and then there's some absolute kino as Cat just stands there with her face completely limp, not even having the strength to keep her eyelids that open or her jaw shut, as she's already dead inside from seeing her child that she's done everything in her power to keep safe who's so important die like a dog and all her other children are probably dead too anyway from what she knows and she just completely mentally bluescreens as she has no everything taken from her and just stands there like she's already dead as a guard casually comes up and SLITS CATS THROATEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 56 too and she flops down dead out of frame as the camera holds on the empty shot and then cuts to the silent credits, wowza
alright so the main people who died here were Cat and Robb, which I didn't really see coming, if I thought about it during those scenes those would be the big shocking deaths, and Robb always seemed expendable and very underwritten tbqh, obviously what happened to his wife was edgy but she was kind of his companion character, but Cat getting it here is some top shock, the brave mother character usually sticks around to at least interact with more of her children and inspire them in these sorts of stories, and she had more to contribute to the plot than the generic good guy leader that Robb was, like I thought she'd be around at least as long as CIA is since his story is motivated by her, and it's really her scene, Robb dies standing there gawping like a true son of Ned which I guess is how he lived, like a guy really not fit for waging war, since he just sits there not being able to process his wife's death and is basically useless, but it's Cat that all the build-up and tragedy is based around, and holy shit what a good end to the character where she goes absolute Real Nigga hours taking his wife hostage showing she really would do absolutely anything to protect her children, and what an amazing performance especially that final shot and the absolute cherry on top of the pie is her using her last 1% of remaining will power as she's in the process of complete ego death is to take the wife with her just for the audience to know she really meant it and was a Real Nigga until her last seconds, absolute kinography tbh, way better than Ned's death which narratively rare was still not that shocking since his storyline was wrapping up and not as complex a situation as it could have been since it hinged on Joffrey just being extra edgy that day, for the first time I'm gonna miss a character, Cat's actress did a great job on making a character archetype of the overprotective mother who is usually quite obnoxious and condescending to be nice and sympathetic and I would have enjoyed seeing more of her badass moments, RIPerino my dudette, although like when Ned died I'm worried this gives less cohesion to the story and it's just going to be three seasons of build-up of the Lannisters v Dany while all the other sides characters shuffle from place to place since Robb was kind of the focusing point of the narrative and no one else is going to take his place until Dany gets her ass over the sea already but oh well he could have been waaaaaaaaay worse than he was, being the least interesting sibling who's like a less sympathetic Jon and also the most heroic moral king could have just made every scene with him a drag but they managed to convey the struggles of being a good man and a good leader at the same time with him alright so it kept me entertained, RIP too I guess, tick off another King from The War of the Five Kings and I guess it's just Tywin vs. Stannis now since Theon's dad seems like a useless loser who's only good at being a pirate, well that was a really good episode since even though knew it was coming it still built up the tension well by mostly focusing on the Starks, it would have probably been better if we didn't see the retarded ass Dany storyline at all and was entirely about that family but oh well her story is barely in the same universe in my mind, oh and one more thing the effects for everyone getting their throats slit were pretty good, I mean I'm pretty sure getting the front of your neck cut open like that wouldn't spray so much blood and you'd be going for the arteries on the side but it looks like real injuries and not shit CGI or whatever, oh and one laaaast thing in case anyone thinks this is too edgy to be realistic well shit like this has happened irl this scene was inspired by two real events from Scottish history, one when two scheming Varys and CIA types invited the most powerful clan to Edinburgh Castle for a feast with the 10 year old King but beheaded them afterwards and another where literally the McDonald clan that America's greatest export is named after got massacred after being rused into inviting the Campbells to stay with them that resulted in 38 men stabbed in their beds and 40 women and children dying of exposure after their houses were torched and to this day there's still inns and pubs in the area that have signs saying "no campbells allowed" even though it was 300 years ago, what were American's doing 300 years ago? waiting for the McDonalds to invent fast food is what bonus meme:
Game of Thrones 3x10: "Mhysa" a furry in life, a furry in death special edition
First aired: June 9, 2013
alright next episode we open on Roose Bolton walking to the top of Frey's castle and looking down as THE STARK ARMY IS BEING SLAUGHTERED BY HIS AND FREY'S
I love the battle scenes in this since it's so fucking grotesque, it's not cool and fancy in any way, this is how violence should always be depicted in anything half-way trying to be serious, like a fucking horror movie, rather than the dumbass ninja moves autism that most material depicts fighting as, and into all this chaos and butchery rides The Hound who thinks fast and picks up a Frey banner and starts riding through pretending he's on the winners side but then the army starts chanting "the King of the North! the King of the North! here comes the King of the North!" and Arya looks back to see a crowd leaving the castle leading A HORSE WITH ROBB'S DECAPITATED CORPSE TIED TO IT WITH HIS DIREWOLF'S SEVERED HEAD IN PLACE OF HIS!!!EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 57 I guess as a mean spirited reference to the rumors of him being a werewolf and Arya looks completely hopeless as The Hound knows to get the fuck outta there before this dumb bitch starts screaming insults
then cutting from the burning carnage of the Stark camp to the lovely colourful gardens of King's Landing Tyrion has started doing his own version of Arya's mantra where he memorizes the names of everyone to laugh at him and Sansa in public and tells her that he's not going to kill them, he's not Joffrey, just make them scared he will kek, and then says they're just laughing at him, he's always been "the halfman, the Demon Monkey, the Imp" but Sansa thinks its her since she's from a traitors family and Tyrion jokes they must be perfect for each other and then looks awkwardly at an unhappy Shae and Tyrion suggests Varys could tell them their perversions but Sansa, quite the cheeky bitch, suggests "sheep shifting" their beds which means putting sheep shit in their mattress and doing their bed again so they dont know where the stink is coming from which she says Arya used to do to her lmao literally some ye olde Mean Girls shit and Tyrion smirks as he finally finds something he has in common with Sansa, a mind for revenge, and when she explains that "sheep shift" is the vulgar word for "dung" Tyrion smiles to Shae and goes to correct her but she just laughs "well you asked me!" awww adorable she misheard the word shit at some stage, then the absolute madlad Pordick comes jogging up and two young ladies giggle to themselves as word has spread of this amazing prowess in bed rofllllll to tell his boss his father summons him
and when Tyrion comes into work the remaining gang's all there including a smug Cersei and an over the moon Joffrey and Tyrion asks "killed a few puppies today?" lmao but Joffrey hopping up and down with glee like Cersei just bought him some V bucks for the fortnite skin he always wanted and is in too good a mood for Tyrion's jibs as he tells Pycelle "come on, go on, show him!" and Pycelle plays up the old man act just to get under Tyrion's skin so much he drops the letter forcing him to pick it up to read "Roslin has caught a fine fat trout" meaning the Tully family sigil I presume and Jofrrey gets a huge grin as he looks at his smiling mother as his uncle goes on "her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding, signed Walder Frey" and Tyrion asks if this is just bad poetry and Joffrey explains "ROBB STARK IS DEAD! AND HIS BITCH MOTHER!" not being able to stop himself from giggling and he excitedly realizes his opportunity and orders Pycelle to write back saying thank you to Frey for his service and to send down Robb Stark's head because "I'M GOING TO SERVE IT TO SANSA AT MY WEDDING FEAST"EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 58 and he actually gets a laugh from his mother but Varys tries to reason "Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage" and Cersei looks at him with a huge smile and says "a joke, Joffrey did not mean it" but Joffrey, being quite the autist, just says "no I meant it, I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast" like it's obvious he gets to do whatever whim he wants and his head snaps up when Tyrion tells him very overly dramatically to get his goat "no! she is no longer yours to torment" and Joffrey marches up and says "everyone is mine to torment, you'd do well to remember that you little monster" and Tyrion gives Tywin a look like he knows his father wouldn't let anything too bad happen to him at least not before he carries out his autistic plans to put a baby in the new owner of Winterfell so threatens "oh I'm a monster? perhaps you should speak to me more softly then?" and Varys gives a sly smile as he catches on to wath Tyrion is up to as he goes on "monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies" and Joffrey stares at him open mouthed like he can't fucking believe this is happening and Cersei keeps her poker face, Pycelle looks scared, Tywin just looks at Joffrey like what am I supposed to do about it? be a man and handle it yourself so Joffrey hisses at Tyrion "I could have your tongue out for saying that" and Cersei tries to calm him saying "let him make his threats hmmm? he's a bitter little man" clearly scared of her son going off the rails and rubbing his hand and Pycelle mumbles "Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately, unacceptable, disrespectful and in very bad taste" but Joffrey yanks his hand away from his mother who flinches in that way of a parent who can't control their child and he screams across the table "I AM THE KING! I WILL PUNISH YOU!" accidentally filling Varys face full of spit lmao
but based Tywin interjects "any man who must say "I am the King" is no true King, I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you" since that's how he lives his life, he doesn't need to tell people how dangerous and powerful he is, they know it as a fact from his actions, and he's trying to impart definitely not some morals but just not being an unrestrained spoiled manchild on his grandson before he dies, and he's not impressed by Joffrey having a meltdown over his uncle talking back to him, and Joffrey turns on him and all fired up and hyperventilating hollars "MY father won the REAL war, he killed Prince Rhaegar! he took the crown WHILE YOU HID UNDER CASTERLY ROCK!!!" and Tywin looks him in the eyes and Joffrey fucking BRICKS it realizing he's just insulted the scariest man in the world and Cersei freezes like a cat caught between two, well, lions, Tyrion isn't even sure what to do and Pycelle looks scared at Tywin like he really might ice his own grandson and Varys just looks fed up like here we fucking go again all the work I do and these mentalists will destroy it all over a tantrum and Tywin growls "The King is tired... see him to his chambers" and Cersei tries to get Joffrey to leave, but this is his first ever day at the big boys table and Joffrey can't understand subtly to save his life, literally, and mumbles "I'm not tired" but Cersei manages to lead him away as he's clearly scared of his grandfather and Tywin says "Grand Maester, perhaps some essence of nightshade to help him sleep" wait what oh god oh shit and the fucking brainlet incel King turns and screams back across the table literally like how a 5 year old reacts I AM NOT... TIRED!!!!!!!!!! and Tywin just stares at his grandson like he is nothing more to him than just another row in the excel spread sheet he keeps in his mind to keep track of what people are useful to him and he's just lowering some of his values the less mature he acts
and Tyrion struggles to hide his smile as he got what he wanted, Joffrey exposing his unhinged unfit nature to Tywin to sick him on him, and Pycelle and Varys quickly leave to avoid any more drama but Tywin just says "not you" to Tywin like he's disappointed at his son yet again for trying to slink off like a coward when he obviously will want to speak to him and Tyrion comments "you just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper" and Tywin slyly drones "you're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros" since power to him means something entirely different than something as flimsy as technical ruling legitimacy and Tyrion mockingly says "oh a treasonous statement! Joffrey is King!" and Tywin replies "you really think a crown gives you power?" and Tyrion admits "no, I think armies give you power" and Tywin murmurs his approval as Tyrion explains "Robb Stark had one, never lost a battle, and you defeated him all the same" and Tyrion murmurs his approval again as Tyrion says "oh I know, Walder Frey gets all the credit, or the blame I suppose depending on your allegiance" and Tywin sits there with a sly smile as he watches his son work it out "Walder Frey is many things but a brave man? no... he never would have risked such an action if he didn't have certain assurances" and Tywin finally fully smiles for the first time "which he got from me?" like he loves the Game of Throne and he asks "do you disprove?" and Tywin says "this is war, I'm all for cheating, but to slaughter them at a wedding..." and Tywin, engaged with a discussion with his son for the first time since he lives for the topic at hand, asks "explain to me why it is more noble to kill 10,000 men at battle than a dozen at dinner?" but Tyrion know's his father is no moral consequentialist than any other kind of morals and taunts "so that's why you did it? to save lives?" and Tywin says as if it's obvious "to end the war, to protect my family, want to write a song for the dead Starks? go ahead, write one, I'm in this world a little while longer to defend the Lannisters, to defend my blood" and Tyrion warns "the Northerners will never forget" and Tywin immediately says "good, let them remember what happens when they march on the South" as if he's already gamed all this out more steps ahead than anyone and he starts packing up his papers declaring "all the Stark men are dead, Winterfell is a ruin, Roose Bolton will be named Warden of the North until your son by Sansa comes of age, I believe you still have some work to do on that score" and walks off but Tyrion calls "do you think she'll open her legs for me? after I tell her how we murdered her mother and brother?" but the details of a 14 year old thots consent is nothing in the machinations of the realm to him and he just declares "one way or another you will get that girl pregnant" and Tyrion, showing he's the closest thing to a hero in probably this whole story since I can't recall him actually hurting anyone other than cutting Pycelle's beard off lmao, insists "I will NOT rape her" and Tywin sees ah, another entry on my mental excel spread sheet that needs adjusting, and condescendingly says "shall I explain to you in one easy lesson how the world works?" and Tyrion steels himself as he knows this might mean his father is going to do something fucking awful to him and his wife and sneers "use small words I'm not as bright as you" and thankfully it's not raping anyone as Tywin explains "the house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims and wishes of its sons and daughters first, a good man does everything in his power to better his family's position, regardless of his own selfish desires" and Tyrion looks away shaking his head in disbelief that that's what his father considers selfish and Tywin grumbles "does that amuse you?" and Tyrion says "no its a very good lesson, only it's easy for you to preach utter devotion to family when you're making all the decisions?" and Tywin asks "easy for me is it?" and Tyrion genuinely asks "when have you EVER done something that wasn't in your interest but solely for the benefit of the family?" and Tywin raises his voice just a little to say "THE DAY THAT YOU WERE BORN" and tries to control himself from yelling as he gets a rare moment of being emotional as he recalls the day he lost his wife struggles to tell his son with a straight face as if he's almost embarassed to care "I wanted to carry you into the ocean and let the waves wash you away, instead I let you live, and I brought you up as my son, because you're a Lannister" trying to stop himself from showing any tears and Tyrion tries the same, seeing that even though his father hates him, he does so out of some fucked up twisted fathers love
and then he goes back to his room to find Sansa who's looking out the window edgily and hesitates as if he's about to tell her the news... or try to talk her into bed... probably starting with the first to make the next easier as she'll be more vulnerable, but he can't do it and walks off, I guess his fathers words almost got to him since his original wound is never having his father's respect, but he's somehow still too good to carry out his plan, I guess Tywin's mistake was focusing on raising Jaime and he neglected training Tyrion fully in the ways of the evil cunt so Tyrion is still a good person with no need to lose a limb to control himself
then we see the sister and the wolf coming to tell Bran and the guys that the castle she found on The Wall is empty so they go to camp there and Hodor entertains himself by yelling HODOOOOOR into a well to hear the echo but Bran warns him not to since he's heard horrible stories about this place which Jojeq or whatever says he likes and Bran says "so did I, once" until he got to experience a bit of it himself and then he tells them a scary story about the Rat Cook who killed the King's son, cooked him into a big pie with onions, carrots, mushrooms and bacon and served it to his King, who loved the taste so much he asked for a seconds, so the Gods turned the cook into a giant white rat who could only eat his own young, and he roams this very fort every night hunting for his babies, but he'll always be hungry, and Hodor looks around scared as if he thinks it's real, inb4 it is since magic is real in this dumb universe, and the sister says the Gods don't turn every killer into a rat, but Bran says it wasn't for killing or even killing the King, it was for killing a guest beneath his roof... as if he's got a feeling as to what happened to his family
speaking of which we see a very happy with himself Frey talking to Roose as some poor servant cleans all the blood off the floor of his dinner hall lmao and he rants about how the Tully's had disrespected him and starts ranting to Cat's father's ghost "you're dead, your daughters dead, your grandsons dead, your son spent his wedding night in a dungeon and I'm Lord of Riverrun! heheheheh" ah yes so what happened to Edmund, and Roose says "the blackfish escaped" I guess that's him, but Frey says he's "an old man on the run with no allies" so maybe it was actually not her uncle that got merced and he managed to escape? and Frey keeps ranting about how the high lords like Ned and Tully laughed at him for marrying young girls but no one said shit to Jon Arryn marrying "the little Tully BITCH" so I guess Cat's sister married young too, and Roose points out "you'll be needing a new young girl" and Frey goes "yeah, got that to look forward to!" and they discuss Roose's new position as Warden of the North, since he can't be King of the North of Tywin won't let him lmao, and Roose complains about how Robb ignored his advice at every turn and Frey agrees "called himself the Young Wolf? how's that for pomposity? well here's to the Young Wolf! awooooooooo!" and Roose clearly thinks this guy's a fucking idiot but humors him with "forever young" and forces himself to chuckle and Frey asks him what happened up in Winterfell with "the Greyjoy boy" and Roose reveals "I sent my bastard Ramsey to root him out" ah so that's how he got hold of Theon, also seems like a normal thing in this world for men to use their bastards for dirty jobs since they're extra eager to please them but expendable, and he explains "Robb Stark offered amnesty for the ironborn if they gave us Theon, Ramsey delivered the terms, the ironborn turned on Theon as we knew they would, they handed him over trussed and hooded, but Ramsey, well... Ramsey has his own way of doing things"
and then we transfer to... Ramsey... pouring some mustard on... a sausage... and cutting the end off to eat and he tells Theon who's strapped to the cross again "well those girls weren't lying, you had a good-sized cock" and we pan up from Theon's bloody trousers to his absolutely broken hearted face like he can't believe another man is doing this to him but he's also looking at... and Ramsey chuckle and says "what? noooooo... pork sausage! you think I'm some sort of savage?" as if he didn't prepare that meal for this purpose and Theon's given up even talking and just hangs his head so Ramsey keeps tormenting him "so people talk about phantom limbs... an amputee might have an itch where his foot used to be, so I've always wondered..." and he picks up the sausage and stares at it curiously and asks "DO EUNUCHS HAVE A PHANTOM COCK?"
and torments the now sobbing Theon "next time you think about naked girls... will you feel an inch?" and he waggles the sausage with a goofy as fuck grin as Theon just looks like he's about to vomit from having his literal and physical manhood destroyed as Ramsey bites the sausage and memes "sorry" as he chews the meat, ah, I saw that screencap of him waggling the sausage all over the place and I was going to say "I doubt his cock would still be hard" when they cut it off but I guess that's why they had him just be memeing since they wanted that visual of the big benis but have to have it still make sense, or maybe just having an obviously fake prosthetic cock be held up and said to be a characters penis was one too far for the censors around the world they'd be selling this to either way that whole gag is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 59 from me
and Ramsey starts ranting "oh I shouldn't make jokes, my mother taught me not to throw stones at cripples" and as he sees his victim is starting to break down crying he perks up and adds "but ym father taught me to aim for their head!" and Theon just begs "kill me" and Ramsey goes "eh?" and Theon mumbles "kill me!" and Ramsey soaks it in putting his hand up to his hear and requesting "a little louder?" and Theon screams "KILL ME!" but Ramsey picks up his knife and explains "you're no good to me dead, we need you!" and Theon drops his head against his arm realizing even death isn't an escape because of his lineage and realizing he's at the next stage of his brainwashing process Ramsey marches over to Theon and grabs his head back and intimately tells him as if they're almost lovers "you don't look like a Theon Greyjoy anymore.... that's a name for a lord... but you're not a lord, are you? you're just... MEAT... stinking MEAT" and Theon trembles in terror as Ramsey runs his hands over his chest, now, here's a thing, and I've noticed it a lot in AMERICAN tv shows, and it's when serial killer characters like this tortures and/or kills people purely out of sadism, when in reality it's almost always a sexual thing, from my massive readings on edgy shit the only time it's not a sexual thing is when it's not really a sadism thing at all and the killings are done for other rarer reasons like interpersonal disputes, money, fame, delusions or other mental illnesses where you wouldn't say the person is killing just for "fun" as they have some other goal they're trying to achieve, so in reality of Ramsey did all this, it's because homeboy is gay and is getting turned on by doing this to another man, but it's just subtext so far here, and this is a thing in all sorts of media like all the fucking police procedural where they have all these typical serial killers except they totally only kidnap and slice up attractive young women for entirely sadistic reasons and not because it's sexual to them which is for some reason an edge too far for Americans since extreme violence = good, sex = very very bad thanks to the (((Abrahamic religions))) doing a number on them, anyway he goes on "you REEK"
and then jumps back realizing with joy "REEK! that's a good name for you! what's your name?" but Theon has one bit of will power left in him, the absolute boy, and answers firmly "Theon Greyjoy" and RAMESEY IMMEDIATELY BACK HANDS HIM and asks again "what's your name?" and Theon struggles to raise his head looking scared, knowing this is a losing battle, but if this is the end of Theon Greyjoy, at least to the outside world, then he'll go out with at least a scrap of dignity, and answers again "Theon... Greyjoy" so RAMSEY PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AS HARD AS HE CAN and Theon begs "please" wanting to be left with at least his name but Ramsey screams "WHAT! IS! YOUR NAME?!" and Theon gives in and mumbles "Reek" and tragic music starts up as Ramsey looks at him intensely as he says "my name... is Reek" his face going slack with the horror of not even being a Greyjoy annymore and his tormentor walks off satisfied as Theon sobs to himself, alright fucking brainwashing someone to forget their own identity and be your servile abuse slave is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 60
and you might ask "why does he care what name he has" but basically human beings literally NPCs you can reprogram by just exposing them to the same ideas over and over and over again, this is why memes are so powerful because of their repeating patterns and are literally how ideologies spread now adays by seeing stupid infographics taken out of context over and over again to make you think the far right or far left pages you're visiting have it all figured out and how boomers on facebook learn about the world through kermit the frog talking in impact meme text every day, why schools around the world get children to write things over and over again to drill it in their head, why people blindly accept parts of their culture, why prayer is so effective in keeping people following a religion because you repeatedly say and think the same thing over and over again and they got it right in islam where this is accompanied by a rocking motion so you're basically self-hypnotising yourself into a relaxed state like literal autistic people do when they get stressed out, why self-help things like positive affirmations improve your mental health since you're just saying nice things to yourself over and over again, why getting echo-chambered online is so bad for your mental health because you're exposing yourself to the same usually negative information over and over again until something you didn't even think about before or thought was only a joke becomes just the facts of the matter to you given enough time, why people in abusive relationships think they deserve it because they're told through verbal abuse over and over again that's the case, why advertising I assume must work on some retards because they're just exposed to the same information over and over again until your dumb human brain that evolved with extremely advanced pattern recognition abilities just tells you "oh, that's normal reality and not just a random coincidence because you keep seeing it repeatedly", so you probably could get someone to really consider themselves a different name and the accompanying identity if you just made them say it over and over and over again since most people also find there being an incongruity between what they say and think extremely stressful which is why things like being forced to praise the Great Leader of North Korea or uhhhh swearing Allegiance to the United States lmao is effective since most people if they try to "just say the words if I have to without actually believing it" will become anxious of being caught lying or lose respect for themselves for being disingenuous so if they cant refuse to do it will actually just start thinking it's that way to avoid the remaining discomfort of being untruthful, unless you are of course an utter god like me since I'm so disconnected from other people I've noticed I don't automatically copy social cues around me as much as most people do, so I used to really not get why people care about shit like seeming like "a real man" or taking jokes too seriously after awhile and turning into a neo-nazi or having their race included in a video game or getting upset at what strangers say to you online since that shit doesn't mean anything to me on an emotional level, so I'd probably just be like yeah sure call me Reek whatever m8 I've already been calling myself a fucking girls name on the internet for 16 years now onto this shit happening in the show I know it's in the books too since I think we're at peak edge here as this was a notorious topic that'd get posts like this when it happened
but I feel like this would have been more shocking if it was done to someone more confident and proud since Theon was already a pathetic insecure cuck traitor bitch boi who did whatever the most aggressive person in the room told him to do and his entire life was already one big humiliation so it's not as horrific as if this happened to someone like Brie or Jaime since obviously Theon'll just do whatever undignified thing he's told to do as that's his character to the core so far but I guess it is an interesting place to take this sort of weaselly traitor character who'd usually either get talked back around or be killed by someone he betrayed but he's just going off into his own storyline of ultra comeuppance so he's basically an entirely tragic character now you can barely recall why he was unlikable before since he didn't even personally kill those boys and who cares about that pigtails neckbeard guy
anyway then with Bran he gets woken up by a creepy wind sound and his wolf comes looking around so he whispers for Hodor to wake up and the wolf starts growling at... uhh... some sort of creature in the darkness, waving around... and it starts lurching towards them, and at first I thought it was gonna be Jojen or whatever playing a wacky prank but everyone is accounted for, but it stands up seeming to be someone in a cloak and the sister jumps on top of it and puts a knife to SAM FATTY BOYs throat and he begs for his life, lmao what were you doing muppet, I guess he was just breathing so heavily because he was struggling his fat ass up the stairs lmao, and then Gilly comes up behind him and they demand to know who they are and Sam introduces himself as a Night's Watch brother and Bran says "my brother's in the Night's Watch" but Jaqen shushes him when Sam asks who and the wolf stops growling and just stares at him so everyone calms down but Sam being quite the smart guy after all thankfully realizes so this storyline doesn't get dragged on any longer "you're Jon's brother! that fell out the window, I've been around Ghost enough to know a direwolf when I see one, and I've heard all about Hodor", and Hodor gives the game away by grinning and saying "Hodor" and Sam says "I'd be dead without Jon, any brother of his is a brother of mine" and promises to help them, so they ask to be taken north of The Wall, and Sams like uhhhhhhhhh "what? why in the world-" but Bran says he has to and the siblings grill him on how to get over so he spills the beans and Gilly tries to plead with them not to go North and Sam agrees that Jon will be at Castle Black but Jajen already knows about the White Walkers and says "the Black Watch can't stop them, all the Kings of the Seven Kingdom's and their armies can't stop them" and Sam realizes "but... you're going to stop them?" and Bran begs him that he has to, uhhhh right, nice dumbass heroes journey to find some supernatural McGuffin or whatever, hopefully this ends edgily with Bran being told like yeah you can't do shit and the visions are only to tell him to like save people by taking them to the far side of the world, actually yeah, just evacuate everyone to Essos since I assume it never becomes Winter™ there, issue solved
then we see uhhhhhh thought it was Stannis castle at first but it's the Greyjoy castle, and Papa Greyjoy receives a letter with the flayed man insignia on it and opens it up to find... thankfully not Theon's penis... but a letter saying "Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands and invader of the North, I give you until the full moon to order all ironborn scum out of the North and back to those shit-stained rocks you call a home" and Yara starts opening up a box... uh oh... "on the first night of the full moon I will hunt down every islander still in our lands and flay them living, the way I flayed the 20 ironborn scum I found at Winterfell" oh fucking rip that first mate guy I guess, this is so edgy it could only be from Ramsey, and it ends "in the box you'll find a special gift..." oh god oh god "Theon's favorite toy, he cried when I took it away from him" and Balon considers that and then realizes... and he goes over to find Yara opening it and seeing... HER BROTHER'S SEVERED PENIS presumably, they don't show it, yet, but just that being in the story is gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 61 from me fam, very funny that this show catches flack for all the rape but no one cares that Theon get's his fucking dick cut off for a wacky prank on his dad and he goes on reading "leave the North now, or more boxes will follow... with more Theon" jesus chriiiiiiiist
and he rushes to finish "signed: Ramsey Snow, natural-born son of Roose Bolton, Lord of the dreadfort and Warden of the North" lmao he has to be called Snow because he's a bastard, and Balon tells Yara "get that out of my sight!" but she stares him down and he says "Theon disobeyed my orders... the boy is a fool" but Yara maddogs him and he reasons "he cannot further the Greyjoy line" hey he still has his balls maybe Yara can peg him and he admits the real reason is "I will not give up the lands I have seized the strongholds I have taken, get this away from me" but Yara actually does love her brother and insists "he's your son" and he replies "son? he's not a man anymore" pointing at the cock and Yara repeats "he's your son, he's my brother, he's a Greyjoy" and her father just says "watch yourself, I've made my decision" and fists down by the fire in his shitty dark castle and Yara says "and I've made mine, I'm going to pick the fastest ship in our fleet" and then we cut to her in full battle armor marching onto a boat surrounded by soldiers and she goes on "I'm going to choose the 50 best killers on the Iron Islands, I'm going to sail along the Narrow Sea all the way to the Weeping Water, I'm going to march on the Dreadfort, I'm going to find my little brother and I'm going to bring him home" wow what a great big sister, once again Yara fucking rules and literally has the most agency of any character in the show despite being a woman, based, inb4 Ramsey ends up raping her
then we cut to Bron studying the Dragonglass dagger Sam thankfully remembered to take with him, hmmm me thinks this'll all with Dany getting her dragons to make shit loads of Dragonglass weapons for her army, and Sam explains where they found it and Gilly explains how they know what it can do and when the sister can't believe it saying "no ones killed a White Walker in thousands of years" Sam quips "well, someone had to be the first" leaving out that that was Jon throwing a fucking lantern at it lol, and he gives them the blade since they're going North, with Bran giving the dagger to Hodor, and Sam actually has arrowheads of it too, which he gives to the girl who's an archer, and Sam gets serious and says "I got lucky with one of them, but there's more, many more" and begs them one more time to come with them and Bran says "I wish I could, I really do" but he has his duty of following some Deus Ex Machina children on a dumb quest and we get a kino shot of their direwolf framed against the end of the tunnel as if it's a full moon as they leave into the North and Gilly stares at Sam in amazement that he knows these crazy heroes when in reality it's like... ok... so you're sending two teenagers, a crippled 12 year old and a mentally disabled man to go fight the army of zombies... great work as always Sam
then we see Davos visiting Gentry in his jail cell, aww they didn't let him stay in his bedroom, and Davos tries to excuse "it was just a bit of blood" and Gentry sighs "should have known, every time a highborn asks my name its trouble, we're not really people to you are we?" but Davos denies being highborn and sits down to explain he was born in Flea Bottom like him, but Gentry calls bullshit, thinking he's just playing good cop to trick him some more, since he mentioned where he's from to the Red Lady before, smart kid, but he perfectly describes... the flow of the shit from the Red Keep down through the districts right outside his home lmao so Gentry admits that he trusted the Red Lady because "you're me, never been with a woman, never talked to a woman really, and then SHE comes at you, big words, no clothes, what would you have done?" and Davos says "well she does know her way around a mans head I'll give you that" and they chuckle at his double entendre and then Davos gives Gentry his backstory dump that includes showing his severed fingers Stannis took and Gentry just says "see? highborns" and Davos admits he only took his knighthood for his son to have a better life, and Gentry asks if it worked, but he just says "he died... following me" jesus
then we see Varys creeping up on Shae staring out at the sailboats going past and asks when she arrived in Westeros, and she looks super suspicious at him as she knows who he is from their last meeting and she has so much to hide, and she tells him "13, but I stopped being a child when I was 9, my mother made sure of that" and Varys tries to butter her up saying she's a good influence on Tyrion and she's not too happy about being a cuckqueean who has to clean her lovers wifes chamber pot, hot even though she loves Sansa and would kill for her and Varys pretends to understand, even though he's missed out entirely on romances, and Shae laments how highborn Sansa is compared to her, and that Varys can understand, that they breaks bread with the highborns but will never be one of them, and tells her frankly that she'll never get to marry the son of Tywin because here you only have one name: family name, and Shae cuts to the chase and asks what he wants, and Varys puts a bag in her hand and says "diamonds, I'd tell you to be wary of carrying so much wealth but you know how to protect yourself, get on one of those ships, sail to Pentos or Lys or Myr" yes thank you just fucking leave Westeros for fuck sake, and he starts trying to tempt her with all the luxury and easy life she could buy, and Shae asks why he wants her to leave, and Varys explains "Tyrion Lannister is one of the few men alive who could make this country a better place, he has the mind for it, he has the will, the right last name, and you... you are a complication", it seems his motivation is to truly MWGA (Make Westeros Great Again) and it's odd to see Varys just tell her straight up, maybe he's bullshitting somehow, but I guess he can tell she's street smart but also good natured enough to understand what he's saying, and he says "I know you love him, and I know it's true love, not bought by gold and silver, I'm not asking you to leave him for money, I'm asking you to leave because your presence in the capital endangers him" yes thank you get her the fuck outta here and as he goes to leave she calls him and... tosses the bag of diamonds back to him, and storms off saying "if he wants me to leave he can tell me himself" I guess thinking Tyrion sent him, or she only would if he wanted her to, since it was her that was angling to leave and him insisting they stay, like a retard, but she really does love him, dumb fucking cag, also I wonder if it was Varys seeing Tryion successfully play the very dangerous game of playing the second most dangerous person in the kingdoms against the first most dangerous person in the kingdoms that day that convinced him he needs to ensure his security and focus, but I'm sure he had it all figured out before
then we see Tyrion finally finding the one thing Podrick isn't great at on his first try: drinking, and he's forcing him to get drunk with him and insists "its not easy being drunk all the time, everyone would do it if it was easy" as the poor boy forces down another glass and then Cersei walks in and does the shortest "leave us" meme to date, just saying "leave" at poor Pod who doesn't even say anything and just puts down the glass and scurries off knowing not to mess with her, and Cersei gives her tormented brother a huge teethy grin and asks "so, enjoying married life? an unhappy wife is a wine merchant's best friend" and Tyrion whines "she doesn't deserve this" and Cersei just says "deserve? be careful with that... start trying to work out who deserves what and before long you'll spend your days weeping for every person in the world" with a cheeky smile as if the one thing she's grateful for is having no morals and Tyrion chides "there's nothing worse than a late-blooming philosopher" and starts taunting her about her upcoming marriage but she insists it's not happening and Tyrion says "I recall saying something similar about mine" but she just smirks "you're not me" as if she's going to just fucking merc Loras or something and then starts telling Tyrion "you want to make things better for Sansa? give her a child" and Tyrion inquires "so you can tell father it was you who finally talked me into it?" and Cersei claims "so she can have some happiness in her life" and Tyrion just asks how happy is she even though she has children and she admits "...not very" looking super insecure as if she's lived her life as this amoral selfish person who only does what benefits her... and she's not got the rewards you'd think you'd get, it hasn't actually made her happy like you'd assume not worrying about stressful complicated things like honor or respect or legacy does like all the men in her family fuck up their own lives chasing, but hedonism doesn't actually make her happy either, and Tyrion just looks at her like he almost feels sorry how miserable she is and Cersei explains "but if it weren't for my children I would have thrown myself from the highest tower of the Red Keep, they're the reason I'm alive" and Tyrion asks "even Joffrey?" and she says "even Joffrey" with an ironic smile as if it's ridiculous and then talks about how she was his first born, and she'd spend hours looking at him as a baby, and how he used to be such a jolly little baby, and says people always say the terrible people are terrible babies, but it's nonsense, "whenever he was with me he was happy, and no one can take that away from me, not even Joffrey, how it feels to have someone, someone of your own" and Tyrion sits there cringing at how fucking sad his sisters life is but he can't even do anything to be there for her because she'd just use it to abuse him and he asks like he can barely keep this life up "how long does it go on?" and Cersei sighs and does the thing Rob pointed out that she just speaks her fathers words "until we've dealt with all our enemies" and Tyrion points out fucking Americas problem"every time we deal with an enemy we create two more" and Cersei just says "then I suppose it will go on for quite some time" holy shit she's such a good character
then we find The Hound taking Arya by four Frey soldiers, you'd think he'd just, you know, avoid them, since they're loudly talking, but oh well, and they're making fun of how a certain woman sounded like a cow in heat... probably Cat... joking "none of the Starks had much to say about the end of that meal" as they all chuckle about the latest goss, but it's not just goss, as soon as one of them talks about taking part in putting the wolf head on Robb's body ARYA JUMPS OFF THE HORSE oh shit and the men call their friend out on lying he took part in the now infamous wolf-head prank but he insists it was him... and two of his friends, and starts describing how they did it so they believe him, talking about putting a thread under his collar bone to keep it on, but his friends stop laughing when they see Arya standing behind him looking like an absolute hard cunt and he finally realizes something's wrong and turns around and just asks the little girl "what do you want?" and she remembers her age and gender and starts begging for food and they just tell her to "fuck off" and when she offers money she takes out... the coin the faceless man assassin gave her, and the man asks "what kind of coin is that?" thinking she's trying to rip them off but she drops it and says "oh sorry" innocently and the man grumbles "little shit" as he picks it but he feel for her Hitman™ style ebin coin ruse and ARYA STARTS FURIOUSLY STABBING HIM IN THE BACK
AND HIS THREE FRIENDS RUSH HER BUT THE HOUND STEPS IN THE WAY AND BACKHANDS ONE DOWN, RAMS ANOTHER WITH HIS SWORD, DISARMS THE THIRD AND SLAMS HIM IN THE HEAD SO HARD WITH HIS HANDLE HIS NECK SNAPS AND STARTS CHOPPING THROUGH THE BACK OF THE FIRST GUY
and Arya looks at the man she stabbeds fucked up face as blood pours out of it and The Hound turns to see her staring emotionlessly and he asks "where'd you get the knife?" and she says "from you" and gives it back from her shaking hand and he asks "that the first man you've killed?" and she deadpans "the first man" remembering the young boy she merced and The Hounds only problem is "next time you're going to do something like that, tell me first" and Arya picks up the coin, her plan to make The Hound kill everyone she couldn't having worked, and realizes maybe her calling really is to be an assassin, and says the dumb meme phrase
then we see Jon trying to clean out his fucked up face that the incel Warg scratched up with his eagle when he hears... Yig drawing a bow on him, but she doesn't fires and just aims at him, and Jon tries to say "you know I didn't have a choice, you always knew who I was, what I am, I have to go home now, I know you want hurt me" and she just stands there trying to control her emotions and she does the fucking meme again "you know nothing Jon Snow" but he says "I do know some things, I know I love you, I know you love me, but I have to go home now" and they both break down crying from the stress of their situation, and then Jon turns his back YIGRITTE FIRES AN ARROW INTO HIS BACK! AND JON STRUGGLES ONTO HIS HORSE BUT SHE PUTS ANOTHER ARROW IN HIS LEG AND AS HE RIDES OFF SHE PUTS ANOTHER IN HIS BACK WOW YOU FUCKING BIIIIIITCH THE INCEL WAS RIGHT!!! maybe she really is loyal to Mance but maybe she was also aiming at him non-lethally so she can say hey she at least tried to kill him and what she's trying to do is to scare him away from her because wanting to be with her is just endangering him and it'd be safer if he'd just forget about her and go back to being wary of Wildings
and then at Castle Black the old blind man, the second last Targyrian, is talking to Sam and Gilly who've finally arrived, and he tells her he's not a Lord since they have to swear that off... as well as other things, and gives Sam a cheeky look like he knows he's fallen in love, and Gilly adorably introduces herself but doesn't know what to call him and Sam says Maester and she mishears Master so the old man moves the conversation on and asks the baby's name and she says he's called SAM, awwwwwwww much to, far bigger, Sams size, and he explains that it's not his baby, she's one of Crastor's daughters, and Gilly looks down sad, and he basically explains he's still a fucking virgin lmao but sums it up "we didn't build 500 miles of ice walls 700 feet high to keep out men" and the Maester realizes he's talking about the White Walkers so tells Gilly she can be their guests as they can't send her back beyond The Wall and she struggles to pronounce Maester and promises to cook and clean and the old man just tells Sam to write a letter for him as all 44 of their ravens are flying tonight, looks like it's time for another email spam campaign
and we cut to Davos practising reading on other old letters much to the satisfaction of the lizardgirl and he does the can't read English meme of pronouncing "night" as "nigget"WOAH COOL IT WITH THE RACISM POPS but the lizardgirl corrects him and he asks "why is there a G in night?" and she goes "I don't know there just is" and Davos just scrunches up the letter that was a birthday party invitation saying "well your fathers not going to go to that!" deciding he doesn't need to finish reading it anyway, and she offers him a more interesting book about dragons that mentions the skulls under the Red Keep but Davos warns "I've been trying to stay out of those dungeons my whole life" (this just made me think how fucking weird it is that we still have prisons in 2019, obviously for all of human history the idea has been you'd be miserable in some dank wet dungeon starving away, but now adays we have prisons that are basically just hotels you cant leave, so whats the fucking point of prison other than wasting peoples time, oh yeah in america they make money from it nvm lmao) and Davos makes reference to her cousin Rylene who I don't think we've seen before, I guess Gentry is her cousin too, but Davos says he needs to address these letters if he's Stannis' Hand again and starts struggling to read out-loud from the next letter, this time reading night correctly since he's a fast learner... as he reads "the Night's Watch..... implores...." and his faces drops as he realizes what it's about but before he can explain bells start ringing out and the princess asks if they're being attacked and Davos bricks it thinking it might be what the letter is on about and he rushes off to check to find the Red Lady edgily getting rid of the warboards chess pieces by chucking them into a fire and Stannis lets him know that "Robb Stark is dead, betrayed by his bannermen" and Davos sneers at the Red Lady "and you take credit because you dropped a leach into a fire?" but she smugly denies it happily, but knowing this dumb world maybe she really did cause that to happen, keep that magic shit away from good storylines like that please gods, and Davos starts unloading "My Lord, the world has gotten so bent out of shape, I've seen things crawl out of nightmares but my eyes were open, I don't know if Robb Stark died because of her magic or that men die all the time in war but uniting the Seven Kingdoms with blood magic is WRONG, it is EVIL, and you are not an EVIL man" but Stannis just gives an edgy rant about how his battle table was carved by Aegon Targaryen who conquered Westeros despite having a smaller fleet and army but he had... three dragons, reasoning creepily "dragons are magic... Ser Davos, my enemies have made my kingdom bleeeed, I will not forget that, I will not forgive that" ok calm down there Anonymous
and he goes on letting the temptation of thinking this magic can do whatever he wants seep into him "I will punish them with any arms at my disposal" and Davos knows whats next and says "you do not need to burn the boy, if what you say is true... a drop of his blood killed Robb Stark..." but the Red Lady cockily says "and our King is still no closer to the Iron Throne" and just looks down cheekily like well...... and adds "a great gift requires a great sacrifice" and starts caressing Stannis who walks off not in the mood for her shenanigans and looks out at some cliffs that look like the White Cliffs of Dover which is like some fantasy shit IRL and Davos tries to reason with Stannis that Gentry is just some nice, poor lad who happens to be his nephew, ah, I just realized what's going to happen... he's going to end up hurting his daughter... and Stannis asks "what is one boy against a Kingdom? the boy must die" and we see Davos doing the right thing and breaking Gentry out of the cell who asks if this is a trick and he just memes "yes, but not on you" and puts this boy, who probably reminds him of his own son which is why he can't let another young man die for this bullshit, in a rowboat and tells him to aim for that star and warns him not to stop at the first place or she'll find him and to go back home, but he says the goldcloaks are looking for him too, and he says "they've been looking for me for 20 years, do they know your face? I'd worry more about the Red Woman" so I guess the KLPD are shit and Gentry awkwardly sits the wrong way in the boat and Davos asks "have you ever been in a boat? do you even know how to swim?" and Gentry admits no to both and Davos just tells him "dont fall out then" and Gentry sails off asking him why he helped him and Davos says "because it's right... and because I'm a slow learner" aww hes too hard on himself
then we see Jon riding up to the Black Castle and he falls off his horse having been perforated by Yigs arrows and the men see him and drag him back in and he finally meets back up with Sam and the dude who looks like Barry, as in, our Barry, Timbo, is there, Pyp, who I guess just didn't leave with their other friend who I think is fucking dead now from the fight at the daughter fuckers cabin, and he looks up like he can't believe it as they drag him inside
then back in King's Landing Jaime walks in the front gates with Brie who looks like she's been given some of his escorts clothes that suit her a bit better and he looks around in amazement that he's back home and a man bumps into him and says "step aside country boy, people working here" and Jaime looks down at the absolute dirty muddy filth he's wearing and looks at Brie with a tired look like he almost doesn't want to go back to being a prince but they walk on in ahead anyway then we see Cersei sorting through a box of what seems like seashells, maybe something she used to play with with baby Joffrey, and she smiles at the happy memories, when, oh boy, Jaime enters the doorway... and he looks at her almost scared like he doesn't know what their relationship will be like after all he's been through, and he says "Cersei" in a quiet voice that could almost be from a totally different person than his usual cocky drawl, and Cersei turns around and lets out a breath that seems like her whole body deflates as she's hit with the information that her brother, lover, arguably abuser is alive, has been freed and missing a fucking hand all at once, and he steels himself as he looks down at his stump and then back up at her like if he can take this he can take the emotional insanity that is his relationship with his sister
then back with Stannis Davos, flanked by two guards, is admitting to him what he's done, and the Red Lady angrily says through her weird accent "your mercy saved the boy's life... you feel good about that? you saved one innocent, how many tens of thousands have you doomed?" and glares at him and when he says "there must be another way" Stannis screams "WHAT OTHER WAY? TELL US THIS OTHER WAY?!" as if of course he wouldn't do this if this wasn't his best option but Davos has no answers, and then Stannis marched up and does the epic title drop meme for himself and sentences Davos... to death, and Davos says since he's still the Hand he can still advise him against it since "you're gonna need me" but then the Red Lady herself orders him to be taken away and that's who the guards listen to but Stannis can tell he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it and asks "why will I need you?" and Davos plays his trump card, the letter from Maester Aemon, and Stannis is all pokerface and hands it to the Red Lady who's standing pretty close to a fire eeeeeh and Stannis casually asks as he's waiting for his real masters answer when he learned to read, and he claims his son taught him so he could be better service, and Stannsis looks at him like he doesn't believe it but will let it go, and then the Red Lady tosses the letter into the fire... but for a magic vision... she looks in and says "This War of the Five Kings means nothing.... the true war lies to the North my king... Death marches on The Wall... only you can stop him" and Davos reasons he cant fight alone, he needs someone to win over the lords, to bring the sellswords and pirates to his side but Stannis says "I've made my decision" and as the sun rises filling the open plan meeting room full of orange the Red Lady says "he's right, you need him, he has a part to play in the war to come" and Stannis just laughs knowing he'd have merced him if the Red Lady hadn't said otherwise and says "see Ser Davos? you've been saved by that fire god you like to mock so much... you're in HIS army now!" as the sun bares down on him like Allah himself is entering the room with his firey light and Davos stares after him scared at how far his friend has fallen into Allah's clutches and the Red Lady absolutely mad dogs him
then for what I presume is the final scene we see Dany having arranged her forces as dramatically as possible with herself and Miss on a rock, with Jorah and Barry by her side and uhhhh the edgy guy there too and her three cute dog-sized dragons peering curiously over the Unsullied as thousands more surround them and the 30 odd remaining Dothraki, and as she stares at the front gates of the city she worries "perhaps they didn't want to be conquered?" but Jorah says "you didn't conquer them, you liberated them" and Dany, maybe talking about herself, worries "people learn to love their chains" but then a massive flood of freed slaves comes wandering out, and the Unsullied put their spears forward to keep them back, and Missy does Dany's title drop meme (eagerly awaiting someone to just say "oh shut up" and kill someone mid-title drop) in their language but Dany corrects her when she says they owe her their freedom and she starts speaking to them "you do not owe me your freedom, I cannot give it to you, your freedom is not mine to give, it belongs to you and you alone, if you want it back, you must take it for yourselves, each and every one of you" and she gets no response from these bewildered people
until one man holding his tiny daughter calls out "mhysa" with her and the crowd all starts up saying the same word, and Dany asks for a translation, and Missy says "mother", and they come towards her, and the Unsullied keep them back as they reach out for her, and then this epic music starts up as Dany says "don't worry, these people wont hurt me" and she goes down to her defensive dragons and tells them "fly" in some foreign language that'll probably come in handy if anyone else tries to order them against her in the future, and they take off, and she orders the Unsullied to let her through, and she walks into this crowd of refugees, who all start calling her "mhysa" and touching her hair like black people complain about white people doing but happens way more the other way around when whites go to africa lmao, and Barry doesn't trust them and puts his hand on his sword, but Jorah stares in wonder as THE FREED SLAVES PICK DANY UP ONTO THEIR SHOULDERS AND SHE STARTS CROWD SURFING AS THEY CHANT THEIR SUPPORT FOR HER
and Missy smiles as Jorah looks like he's about to nut at the wonder of his waifu and Dany allows herself a big smile at how happy she made these people and as the Dragon's do fly-bys over head the camera pans up from this huge crowd, ok of it was anyone else's storyline then someone would say like "all hail the king!" and stab her lmao but this is Dany's storyline so her climax is the most White Savoir™ shit I have ever seen in my life lmao + mandatory BLACKED.COM reference
you know who Dany reminds me of? there's this show called Into the Badlands that's got some really cool martial arts fights but is obviously very derivative of GoT, all about royal families with their own sigils competing over feudal serf states where everyone fights with melee weapons with each leader having a second in command and other adviser and a best fighter, but there's this character called The Widow who's the same archetype of a slave liberator, except she's actually a well written character lmao, she has reason to be so strong willed and against slavery because she grew up as a slave getting raped every day, then she managed to marry a lord who raped her every day, but the straw that broke the whores back was seeing him rape his own daughter every day, so she iced the motherfucker, took over his territory and went to war with every other slave owning lord, but she's not the protagonist, she's an antagonist, because she's willing to do evil for the greater good of her mission, and often comes into conflict with our actual protagonists as she fucks them over and has to make alliances with their enemies and such, and she's such a fucking badass and actually a well written feminist character as she can't help but understand intimately how women suffer in this world, while Dany has had an easy as fuck life, continues to do so, is the female white Nelson Mandela for no reason, and never has to compromise in any way to liberate territories, all while somehow being less sympathetic since she still has the end goal of conquering Westeros as just another megalomaniac spoiled royal dipshit, I mean how the fuck is she going to feed all these people? is she just going to leave them in this city and hope people kept in an abusive system all their lives don't carry on some sort of abusive system? fucking retarded
anyway I feel like this season had a lot less cohesion than the last two, it had lots of good scenes but the first one was all build-up to the war between the Starks and the Lannister's kicking off that climaxed in episode 9, and season 1 was all build-up towards Stannis' invasion that also climaxed in episode 9, but this ones epic episode 9 kind of came out of nowhere, as was intended, but the rest of the season wasn't really building up to anything, in fact this season (and the whole show to a lesser extent so far) feels more like a 10 hour movie cut into 10 chunks with the pacing of them only taken into consideration half the time for a le ebin cliffhanger, rather than actual episodes of a TV show where each one is about something itself, now I love serialized storytelling and purely episodic content you can watch in almost any order is boring as all fuck but it get's a bit much when one episode is almost entirely in anyone doing anything that leads towards the overall narrative, which reminds me of what most of the Marvel Netflix were like, but they have the excuse of being released at once so you can binge on them all at once, and something tells me with the death of Robb is going to be even more like that, with just people bumbling through their lives until Dany gets her thicc ass to Westeros, what we need is more episodes all about one situation like the Stannis's siege episode that was dank as fuck, oh well onto season 4
08-11-2019
rubycalaber
Game of Thrones 4x01: "Two Swords" every fucking chicken special edition
First aired: April 6, 2014
alright we're back to not opening on the opening credit animation anymore as we see Tywin unsheathing a sword from what looks like maybe a wolf skin rug or something and he has blacksmiths take the blade out and melt it down, I'm thinking maybe this is Robb's sword or something, and it looks like it's being resmelted into two new separate blades of different sizes, and then he tosses the wolf pelt or whatever into the fire and watches it burn with a satisfied look, uh ok, I had to look it up and this is actually Ned's sword that they even used to behead him and Tywin was keeping until they beat the Starks before doing this
then we see Jaime, freshly shaven and with short hair looking like a new man, in his Kingsguard armor, being presented with his new sword by his proud father, and he's amazed to see it's Valyrian steel, that was a thing wasn't it, that's what Robb's sword was? or was it Jon's? and Tywin boasts about getting one of the last three smiths who can work with it over to Westeros to make him not one but two swords from the "absurdly large" original, and he looks awfully pleased with himself, which is maybe his way of expressing he's happy his favorite child is back, going to be interesting to see Jaime interacting with his family since he's only really had one or two scenes with any of them in season 1 especially with him being tainted by heroism from his journey with Brie, wonder what happened to her, no point in asking for a ransom for Jaime now lmao, and he struggles to put the sword back it's sheath one-handed so Tywin holds it still for him and his version of compassion is telling him "you'll have to train your left hand" and when Jaime tries to sooth himself with "any decent swordsman knows how to use both hands" Tywin immediately says "you'll never be as good" as if it's just friendly banter, right, thanks dad, and Jaime admits "no, but as long as I'm better than everyone else I suppose it doesn't matter" not wanting to show his father that he's trying to be less of a prick like him but Tywin just says "you can't serve in the Kingsguard with one hand", Jaime insists his oath is for life, Tywin reminds him the war is over so the King's safe, which Jaime rejects but Tywin insists he's going home to rule in his stead, and Jaime paces around nervously as he's realizing his father won't let him be a warrior anymore and he's going to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of his life, and Tywin says "I don't expect to see the Rock again before I die" as he's the King's Hand now, ughhh I don't want Tywin to die he's such an intense character and great actor, but I also want to see what Casterly Rock is like I think it's the only main family castle we haven't seen yet other than the Hanginggardens of the Tyrells, and Jaime starts saying the same shit he started with his big soul bearing to Brie with "you know what they call me? Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man without honor, now you want me to break another sacred vow?" hoping that'll work on his father who cares so much about his family's legacy but Tywin points out he's not breaking a vow, he's being relieved of his duties, but Jaime puts his foot down and says "no" and Tywin's like "no?" and Jaime asserts "No." figuring if he's the most confident fearless man in the realm then he can have a fucking argument with his own 70 year old father and swaggers back to the desk and Tywin's like "I don't believe I asked you a question?" not expecting back-talk from his most sycophantic child who's been desperate to keep his favor all his life and when Tywin tries to say "if you think you're honor is bey-" but Jamie cuts Tywin off, oh shit, and says "my bloody honor is beyond repair but the answer is still no, I don't want Casterly Rock, I don't want a wife, I don't want children" which must really rustle Tywin's jimmies since he wants legitimate heirs out of Jaime and probably knows full well the reality of why Jaime feels that way, because he already has a lover and his own children: his own sister and his own niece and newphews lmao, based, and Tywin knows how to get under his own sons skin so asks "what do you want?" and Jaime either doesn't know or knows it's something pathetic like Cersei's love so controls himself and quips "supper would be nice" and Tywin looks at him so annoyed like not fucking this one too and lectures him "for 40 years I've tried to teach you... if you haven't learned by now you never will, go! if serving as a glorified bodyguard is the sum of your ambition, go serve!" and Jaime looks at him suspicious like how the fuck is his father giving in so easily, but I guess Tywin has changed too from being faced with his miserable and dysfunctional his children are face to face for a year and maybe the penny is finally starting to drop from seeing what a manchild autistic monster Joffrey is that his family has got some mental health issues that are probably his fault and is starting to give up on the whole force my family to be as badass as me dream and Jaime quips "suppose you want me to give the sword back?" but as if he hasn't let an issue go in his entire life Tywin sassily says "keep it" but as soon as Jaime puts his hand on it Tywin jabs "a one-handed man with no family needs all the help he can get" as if he's regressing to a catty teenager in a huff he didn't get his way, and Jaime stares at him a bit trying to work out what family he means, figures fuck it dude, and marches out, great scene, maybe there's some fruedien shit going on here where now Jaime's cut his beard and hair short he reminds Tywin of his own father so he's going soft on him but also resenting him or something, and I suspect Jaime's real motivation for being Kingsguard is, he does like to be a warrior, but he also wants to get close to Joffrey, his actual son, to maybe try to influence him positively, as an uncle of course, but methinks Joffrey knows the rumors are probably true and'll be uncomfortable with that
then outside King's Landing we see Tyrion overlooking the city with Bronn and Podric as he sees more and more and more poor serf people coming to the city and Bronn starts the jack-the-lad antics early asking "how many Dornish men does it take to fuck a goat?" and Tyrion pleads "please don't" so he drops it, and Tyrion reveals they're waiting for the prince of Dorn, which I think is the very bottom of Westeros that I guess has been left-be by the war so far, and he explains there's bad blood between the Martells of Born and his family and the Tyrells, and Bornn memes "so if they want to spill some Lannister blood might as well be yours?" which probably really was Tywin's thinking lul, and then we finally see their party approaching, riding up pretty fast, adorned in golden colors, and he asks Bronn if he can read their sigil, and he squints and says "uhhh golden balls?" but Podrick, perfect on his first try as always, IDs them as "wild lemons on a purple field, House Dalt of Lemonwood, a vulture grasping a baby in it's talons, House Blackmont, a crowned skull, the Manwoodys of Kingsgrave much to Tyrion's impressedness and Bronn absent mindedly goes "I need a sigil" and Tyrion asks the younger Pod if he sees "House Martell, a red sun pierced by a spear?" but he can't make it out much to his concern since they're the big hotshots, and when they pull up Tyrion very formally gives his family's regards with their pretentious titles and the Dornmen, who seem to have a sort of south of Spain look and theme to them, just stare at him and he inquires as to where the prince is and the lead guy says worryingly smugly that "his health forces him to stay in Sunspear" as if he knows he's being held captive or worse or this is all just a ruse to get killers into King's Landing, but he introduces that his brother "Prince Oberyn" to attend the royal wedding instead, wait which royal wedding, we still have 2 fucking weddings to go, and when Tyrion asks where he is the lead rider smugly says "arrived before dawn, not a man for welcome parties" as if he has no respect for either Tyrion personally or his family and finds it funny he's been waiting his time out here which Bronn finds amusing to, and he tries to have them escorted but they just barge ahead of him to the city, also the Bronn's amusement, and Tyrion seems to think Oberyn has lethal intent either specifically or in general and deduces that where to find him is easy given that he's famous for fucking half of Westeros and has had two weeks of bad road and Bronn memes "personally I'd just go to bed but I'm getting old" lul
then we see Oberyn for the first time and he's played by Pedro Pascal who was good in Kingsmen 2 and yep he's in a brothel which it seems in CIA's absence is being run by that rent boy he sent to spy on Loras since I guess he got a taste for the powerplay life and CIA trusts him enough to give him his business, for a price I'm sure, and also interesting is Oberyn is having both the male and female prostitutes lined up so I guess he's playing for both teams but in the fun way not the slaughter a wedding way, oh wait hang on one of those women isn't a man it's a woman with short hair sorry I misgendered there arrest me, anyway I was hyped for a bi character that would have been an interesting complication for him to try to be seducing like Loras and Cersei at the same time for a double chance to fuck up their wedding or something, and he takes the clothes off one of the whores and says "we like them pale down South, shows they don't work in the fields" which seems to be a true thing all over the world, dark skinned people wanting to be paler, although maybe in the modern world it's because they see white people in the media depicting the most high status people, and he has a woman with him who I guess is his wife and they're buying a girl for them both to share speaking of bisexuals, and they ask one of the girls who shows off she can put her foot above her head if she likes women and she mewls "ooh I like women if they're like you" uh huh and they make their decision but the woman insists to the new pimp that she's no lady "why not use the right words? I'm a bastard, she's a whore, and you're what? a procurer?" and he knows to play nice so just asks if he wants any others, and they say no so he sends them away, but Oberyn orders "you stay" and the pimp says "I'm afraid I'm not on offer my Lord" but Oberyn slurs through his heavy spanishy accent "everyone who works for Littlefinger is on offer, take of your clothes, we'll be here for a while" and the mans face falls as he clearly doesn't want to go back to hooking but Oberyn insists "I'm a prince, have you ever been with a prince", oh he is bi ok, and the pimp puts on his game face and gives in knowing it'll just make things worse and teases "I'm wildly expensive" and Oberyn just laughs as if it's nothing to him and the pimp asks "what way do you like it?" and OBERYN GRABS HIS CROTCH and says "my way" I guess implying he doesn't mind being a top or bottom as long as he's in control
but then he hears someone outside singing The Rains of Castimere lmao and he storms off with his wife trying to stop him and the whore looks at the pimp like uh oh as Oberyn walks into another room with two men singing the song to their girls and he starts at them "forgive me for staring, I don't see very many Lannister's where I'm from... we don't like the smell!" and when his wife tries to drag him back one of the men is attracted to her and asks the pimp "why are you wasting a woman like this on a Dornishman? bring him a shaved goat and a bottle of olive oil!" I guess the stereotype is they're rural retards like it is for my oppressed people and the Welsh and we fuck sheep, which unoriginal Australian shitposters stole for New Zealand, and they laugh at Oberyn who smirks and comes at him saying "you know why the world hates a Lannister?" and their two whores clear out as he goes on "you think your gold an your lions and your gold lions make you better than everyone" looking down at their sigils on their swords on the table and he tells them "but you're not a golden lion, you're just a pink little man who is far too slow on the draw" and the Lannister man stares at him poker faced expecting him to do something, realizes he better go first, puts his hand on his sword but OBERYN INSTANTLY DRAWS A KNIFE AND STABS HIS HAND WITH IT oh shit, he fell for the "wind up a dickhead to attack you first so you can legally fuck him up" meme and he tells his friend who's about to draw his sword "longsword is a bad option in close quarters..." and he starts talking super fast as if this is the natural speed he lives at and has to slow himself down so others can follow him "when I pull my blade your friend starts bleeding quite a lot I'm afraid so many veins in the wrist... he'll live if you get him help straightaway... so... decisions" as he twists the knife with a big grin, that's some John Wick shit nigga
but Tyrion walks in so the other guy drops his sword back in it's sheath and Oberyn whips the knife out of the screaming man who flees and he's all hot blooded and starts making out with his wife as Tyrion tries to talk to him but they just ignore him and keep groping at each other but his wife stops so he introduces them as "Ellaria Sand, my paramour" I guess that just means lover or something and they're not married and he introduces "The King's own Uncle Imp, Tyrion, son of Tywin... Lannister" as if he hates their father and when Tryion tries to speak again Oberyn talks over him asking who Bronn "who are you, his hired killer?" and Bronn can tell he might have to fight this guy to the death at any second but tries to casually say "aye it started that way, now I'm a knight" like the machinations of power are all just a bit odd to him and Oberyn challenges him "how'd that come to pass" making sure he didn't buy his way in or something and Bronn just quips "killed the right people I suppose" and Oberyn gives a big hearty laugh and both Tyrion and Bronn nervously laugh back at this clearly very impulsive man who shouts to the pimp "we'll need a few more girls, girls yes?" and Bronn just nods his head eagerly but Tyrion shakes his and explains "oh I partook, now I'm married" and Oberyn looks confused as if monogamy isn't in his vocabulary and Tyrion does the leave us meme to his wife so they can talk alone outside, seems risky without Bronn, and they talk more frankly about being the second born sons of royal family's and how that makes you the family insult and Tyrion demands the truth why he's really here so Oberyn says last time he was here it was for his sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen the Last Dragon getting married, uh oh, and Tyrion swallows nervously knowing what happened to him as he starts speaking faster again "my sister loved him she bore his children swaddled them rocked them fed them at he own breast Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them... and beautiful noble Rhaegar Targaryen left her for another woman" I think that was uh.... it wasn't Ned's sister was it? because he adds "that started a war and the war ended right here when your father's army took the city" so I think there was a thing where wasn't King Rob's true love Ned's sister? who died somehow? and I guess what really started his rebellion against the Targaryens was the Mad King fucked his girlfriend lmao and I already know a certain epic incest twist from the 7th season so I think that's the meme that that would make Dany and Jon cousins if her mother was actually a Stark and that's why she wasn't the kids of the Mad Kings killed the day he fell? and Tyrion can tell where he's going with this and murmurs "I wasn't actually present" as Oberyn rants "they butchered those children, my nephew and niece, carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks, and my sister, you know what they did to her?" and he puts his finger under Tyrion's chin to make him look him in the eyes "I'm asking you a question" and Tyrion takes his finger away and grumbles "I've heard rumors" knowing exactly what happened and Oberyn chuckles knowing he knows full well and starts speaking fast again "so have I... the one I keep hearing is that Gregor Clegane the one they call The Mountain raped Elia and split her in half with his great sword" oh it's been quite a while since we got an actual confirmed rape so let's chalk a rape up for GREGOR CLEGANE +1 ELIA SAND (RAPED AND KILLED) and Tyrion gets shook and mumbles "I wasn't there I don't know what happened" as Oberyn sets off talking fast again "if The Mountain killed my sister your father gave the order... tell your father I'm here and tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts" and glares at him before walking off as Tyrion looks around as if he regrets not taking Bronn with him, oh my oh my the drama, although this dudes a retard since Tywin doesn't give two tugs of a dead dogs dick and would poison his breakfast if it kept the numbers on his mental excel spreadsheet balanced, but he seems like an interesting character, at first he just seemed like le hedonistic playboy trope but he's actually revenge driven, and it fits that someone as impulsive and seemingly used to being able to follow every passion as him would be the one to go for revenge, since most people who want revenge would probably give up knowing they'd probably fail and it'd just make everything worse, but this guys got the perfect personality to turn his intensity and flaunting of danger towards a personal mission
then we see Dany sitting on a rock overlooking a body of water as two of her dragons play fight over it and she pet's the third on her lap that raises a... quite bigger wing... and lets out a... quite deep growl... and we see that OH SHIT, THE RED DRAGON IS THE SIZE OF A FUCKING HORSE NOW
but it's sitting quite content with it's head resting on her lap for her to stroke letting out content growls as she shushes it, and then Jorah arrives and looks on in amazement but also fear that these things could kill him in a second and he couldn't do shit about it and he watches as the two dragons in the air are actually fighting over an entire sheep that looks like nothing but a little rabbit in their claws and they drop it by Dany as if they're bringing a gift like cats do with dead mice they catch but the two yellow and green dragons land and they're still like half the size of the bigger one, more the size of donkeys, and when one goes to eat the goat the huge dark red one lurches down and grabs it and they all three start trying to tear it apart at the same time and Dany tries to shush them to calm them down but it's fucking feeding time mom and THE DARK RED DRAGON SNARLS AND SNAPS AT DANY making her back the fuck up, this whole thing reminds me of our new dog since she acted the same way when she hit her version of being a teenager when she hit puberty lmao, getting all sassy and aggressive, but holy fuck is the CGI and design good on this thing, it looks so fucking scary
and Dany looks shook as the big redblack dragon roars at the other ones to make them fuck off and then chases after them when they take the goat with them and Jorah tries to explain "they're dragons Khaleesi, they can never be tamed, not even by their mother" and Dany looks off worried, then we cut down to her and a few of her Dothraki dues inspecting a line-up of Unsullied, you know you could let them stop standing in formation all day long that'd probably be humane just saying, and Barry and Missy tell her that Daario has gotten Grey Worm gambling lmao, and she's like ya wot m8, and struts through her entire army of 80K Unsullied that are just standing in formations in a field and then into the camp of all the freed slaves from Yunkai who worship her as "mother" in their native tongue and she comes upon... Daario has challenged Grey Worm to who can hold their weapons out stretched the longest and they've been going at it since midnight lmaoooo and... wait a fucking minute... DAARIO HAS A NEW ACTOR AND HE LOOKS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, LMAO I GUESS THE LAST ACTOR WAS SO SHIT THEY HAD TO REPLACE HIM XD, although just from this guys opening line I can tell he's got a diferrent interpretation of the character, the last guy played him as maliciously impuslive and was clearly a loose canon that'd backfire on Dany eventually, this guy's just playing him generic smug warrior, even if he's not gurning and blinking nervously like the last actor was, and in the eternal quest to see who will have the tightest beta orbit around Dany they have been competing for who gets to ride beside her, but she says that'll be Jorah or Barry since neither of them kept her waiting this morning, and tells them the last man holding a sword can find a new queen to fight for so they both drop their swords immediately and at the same time lmao, and Daario, god I hope this is meant to be Daario and I'm not just autistically writing shit about a new character or something, groans in pain at keeping his arms out for 8 hours but Grey Worm actually looks pissed at Missy as if he was enjoying demonstrating his resilience and wanted to win, maybe wanting to assert his masculinity due to a certain thing, so he's getting a bit of his own personality it's just... fucked up and weird, and Daario taunts "you like that girl? must be frustrating" due to Grey Worms missing bits but he grumbles "you are not a smart man Daario" and he taunts back "I'd rather have no brains than no balls" I miss the old actor, he was not very convincing but he played him entertainingly unhinged rather than this absolutely generic cocky guy performance
then in KL Shae is trying to get a despondent Sansa, who I presume has now heard the fate of her brother and mother and that there will be no fucking rescue, all her siblings are probably fucking dead and she's the last remaining Stark who's going to be kept there and farmed for Winterfell heirs all her life, to eat something, but she just robotically says "no thank you" each time, maybe on hunger strike or some shit, and Tyrion arrives to see his girlfriend and his wife, awkward, and does the "leave us" meme to another servant girl and after eyeing Shae she gives in and leaves too, so Tyrion takes her hand and tries to talk sense to her, and Shae looks back seeing this getting jealous, but as soon as she leaves Sansa takes her hand away and tries to hold back the tears talking about how she cant sleep from thinking about what they did to her family and their bodies and Tyrion tries to apologize and says he admired her mother despite her trying to have him killed lol because of how dedicated she was to her children and assures her "your mother would want you to carry on, you know it's true" but it just makes Sansa feel worse that she's letting her mothers memory down by falling into despair and politely excuses herself to go to the godswood, and Tyrion says "prayer can be helpful" and Sansa just whispers her conversion to atheism "I don't pray anymore, it's the only place I can go where people don't talk to me"
then when Tyrion arrives home the jealous Shae is sprawled out on his bed trying to seduce him but Tyrion just get gets scared at her coming to his apartment and as she tries to undress him he stops her and stats listing "things are a bit intense, my nephew the King wants to murder me, my wife hates me because my father murdered her family, Oberyn Martell wants to murder everyone whose last name is Lannister" as he counts up his problems on his fingers but she just sucks them and tells him "you... need... to... relax" and PUTS HIS FINGERS UP HER CUNT oh my but Tyrion seems to be so shook he knows he couldn't even get hard and says "its not a good time" and she gets triggered "its never a good time!" and storms off ranting "you have your child bride now! do you love her?" which Tyrion denies and Shae accuses him of sending Varys to send her off but he doesn't get it and she yells at him SAY IT!!! and runs out in a huff from a confused Tyrion, maybe that was Varys intent all along, make her think Tyrion is cowardly sending him confused messages through her so either she takes the money and leaves peacefully or the relationship is strained until she wants to leave on her own, and we se a handmaiden overhearing their fight outside with a smirk, uh oh
then we see the Maester from the Bolton's who seems to be Jaime's personal doctor now putting a silk sheath over his stump and placing a golden hand, which Locke ironically told him to go buy and fuck himself with lul, and I'm sure is mostly being used so the actor can just slip his real hand inside it and they don't have to CGI it out or faff about with hiding his hand and using a prosthetic arm or something, over his stump which briefly hurts Jaime but the doc calls it "a work of art, the craftmanship is excellent" as he straps it around his arm and Jaime grumbles "you like it so much you're welcome to chop off your own hand and take it" and oh boy, Cersei is with him, and getting right back into the swing of their dysfunctional relationship starts chewing him out, not in the fun way, "don't be such an ingrate, I spent days with the goldsmith getting the details just right" and Jaime challenges "days?" and she admits "better part of an afternoon" and sips on her ever present glass of wine as she needs to have a buzz on at all times, would be funny if that's what kills her, liver failure from being a Cool Wine Aunt™ and Jaime tells the doc "a hook would be more practice" and Cersei rolls her eyes at her brother still trying to cling to his masculinity and teases him "elegant, I think" and Jaime grunts more in pain as the doc finishes messing with it as if just talking to his sister casually lowers his will power and Cersei cryptically thanks the Maester for curing her of her symptoms and Jaime deadpan waves at him goodbye with his new golden hand that's stuck in a sort of half open position as he leaves and Jaime starts prying at Cersei about "what symptoms" and kicks up the dysfunction with "you let him touch you?" and Cersei chuckles and taunts "you jealous?" :jealous: and Cersei plays it off as "I'm surprised, you never let Pycelle touch you" but Cersei explains "you think I'd let that old lecher put his hands on me? smells like a dead cat" and sits down looking cheekily at him as if their whole dynamic is her needing to keep him attracted to him at all times but Jaime's taken some level ups in wisdom and isn't falling for it and notes "you drink more than you used to" much to Cersei's worry that he's becoming more observant and less easy to dupe with her bagina so she starts up the bitchiness ranting "well lets see, you started a brawl in the streets with Ned Stark and disappeared from the capital, my husband died in a tragic hunting accident" and Jaime teases "must have been traumatic for you" probably guessing she had something to do with it but Cersei keeps ranting "my only daughter was shipped off to Dorne, we suffered through a siege" and Jaime mimizes "a rather short siege" yeah they could go on for years and Cersei insists "a rather short siege that I didn't expect to survive and now I'm marrying my eldest son to a wicked little BITCH from Highgarden, while I'm supposed to marry her brother, a renowned pillow-biter, so!" and gives her glass up to all her problems and starts sipping and Jaime, probably not minding her new husband being gay at all so he gets to keep her to himself, just sits down beside her and reveals his take-away from his meeting "father disowned me today" and Cersei rolls her eyes at how insecure her brother is deep down and tells him "he cant disown you, you're all he's got" and Jaime memes "you're forgetting Tyrion" getting a scoff from his sister and Cersei asks him trying to seem vulnerable "you don't really plan on staying in the Kingsguard do you?" and he puts his missing hand around her and holds her hands in his one remaining one and whispers to her "staying in the Kingsguard means I live right here in the Red Keep with you" and starts to try to kiss her but Cersei cringes like she can't stand sex with anyone and only puts up with it to manipulate the brainlet men around her and says "not now" and Jaime whines "not now? when? I've been back for weeks!" wanting to fuck his sister real bad, relatable!
but then realizes "something's changed" and Cersei yells back "everything's changed!" and yells at him for not apologizing... "for leaving me" since she's the closest thing to a confidant she has in her terrible life of forced marriages and abusive family members and Jaime raises his voice "you think I wanted to be taken prisoner?!" and Cersei starts guilting him "I don't know what you want, you left me here... alone" and Jaime yells "every day I plotted my escape, every day, I murdered people so I could be here with you!" and Cersei just tells him "you took too long" as if she cant help but be a cunt to him and doesn't bother to restrain herself since she knows it'll just neg him and make him even more desperate to please her he's such an affection starved loser to her and Jaime's face drops as he goes "I-... what do you mean?" as if he's worried she's breaking up with him, lmao, and Cersei seems to confirm by saying "I mean you took too long" like she's moved on and gotten used to being alone and there's a knock on the door and at the same time Jaime yells "go away!" but Cersei says "come in" and the slave girl obeys the voice of her queen mother and is about to spill the tea sis
then in a really interesting location beside The Wall we see Yigritte back with the Wildlings who are hiding in a huge crevasse with odd rock formations
and big ginger nut finds her making new arrows for her bow and tells her they have to wait for Mance's orders but she's champing at the bit to finish the job on Jon and the ginger nut points out she's a good enough aim that she probably meant to let him live, but then they get the signal from their lookout that someone approaches so they all get their ting tings out and get ready and out from the hills come... "Thenns... I fucking hate Thenns" some big tall bald dudes with scarification across their heads, but it seems they're a Wildling tribe that Mance sent and their leader says menacingly that they just went to get some supper from a near-by village and asks... "why is it that everything tastes better this side of the wall?" and when ginger nut offers him their rabbit he chuckles and says "maybe everything's just better fed down here" and looks at him, as if to imply... they were eating the villagers themselves... and now Mance and his people are well feed too... and he gets more specific "fat... and lazy... easier for us" as he chuckles and lats gingers neck and he notices they didn't see him coming so they must have lost their Warg and also notices that Jon's missing and ginger nut refuses to answer to him so he just looks at Yig and asks "she yours?" and she says "I'm nobodies" ah yes very feminist and when he goes at her she points her bow right at his throat and his men take out their swords looks like it's biiiitch raping tiiiiiime and he just stares at her like he doesn't give a shit and then chuckles "too scrawny... not like those crows at Castle Black" uh oh, and his men start opening up a sack they brought with them... oh jeez... and gingernut tries to get Yig to put his bow down as he knows the guy isn't talking about raping her... but worse... and he starts tempting them "stuffing their faces with ham and blood sausage and stew, getting nice and at and marbled" and ginger nut tries to ignore him but this big tall bald fucker, who started off just grunting but turns out to be quite eloquent, taunts him "I know we've had our differences, Tormund, but just one time before you die... you really ought to try crow" but he ain't serving no bird as he bends down to observe that THEY'VE PUT A HUMAN ARM OVER THEIR FIRE, THEY'RE CANNIBALS!EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 62 as intense scary music plays, that was a pretty cool introduction tbh, although I maintain my position that cannibalism is not actually edgy if you don't actually murder anyone for it
then at Castle Black the lads are training archery on strawmen and Sam is going to see Jon who I guess has heard the news and is talking about how he used to be jealous of Robb his whole life, like Theon, for having his fathers approval and being better at him at everything, but he could never manage to hate him, and Sam admits he feels the same way about Jon, and then Jon goes to get his balls busted by the commanding officers, and that asshole who he pulled a knife on grills him for admitting to murdering Halfhand, but he claims he wanted him to kill him to infiltrate, and some smug bald guy says "the bastard son of a traitor, what do you expect?" since oh yeah, the Commander guy who liked Jon got merced, so it's only dickheads left, and when Jon slips up and says "freefolk" they deride him for it and he just yells "aye! I talk like a wilding, I ate with the wildlings, I climbed the Wall with the wildlings, I-... I lay with a wildling girl" much to the blind Targarian mans admiration for his new found bravery to admit even more vow breaking and this bald dickhead commands he hang but the blind man reasons everyone sneaks off to get laid and Jon asks "why do we debate what rules I broke while Mancer Rayder marches on the Wall with an army of 100,000?" which I think is a real thing in undercover cops, they obviously have to break a lot of laws to maintain their cover and the legality surrounding that is vague and dodgy so they just fucking hide shit from their commanding officers and pretend no of course I never took or sold drugs while living as a drug dealer for 2 years and frequently go native and start doing crimes for their own benefit since it pays far better than their salary lmao there was a thing in the UK a while ago where cops infiltrated a fucking animal rights group thinking they were terrorists (?????) and a cop married one of their members and had a kid with her and then just disappeared one day until she saw his photo in the paper one day and realized her husband was an undercover officer so she sued the police force lmao but the asshole boss claims you can't get 50 wildlings together, but Jon insists it's true and he has giants on his side, and the bald guy laughs, and Jon just asks "you ever been North of the wall... ser?" and he says "I commanded the City Watch of King's Landing boy" oh yeah this is the dude that Tyrion had expelled up here and Jon deadpans "and now you're here... you must not have been very good at your job" and the guy jumps up screaming "how dare you?!"
and Jon now knowing he's the realest nigga in this fucking room says "there's a band of wildings south of The Wall already, led by Tormund Gaitnsbane, I killed their warg and three others, they shot me full of arrows, their orders are to attack Castle Black from the south when Mance hits it from the north, the signal for the attack will be a bonfire, Mance said it will be the greatest fire the North has ever seen, it's the truth, all the truth, do you intend to execute me, or am I free to go?" showing that he, at least to them, is completely dedicated to their mission and freely gave up all his intel without threatening to withhold it if they don't let him live or something, but he's leaving out the whole love affair thing and I think his real goal now is to unify both parties against the White Walkers, and the blind man says "none of are free, we are men of the Nights Watch, but we wont be taking your head today Jon Snow, go on" and lets him leave much to the annoyance of the acting commander and he mocks the blind man "so you always know when someone's lying? where did you receive this magical power?" but as the feeble old man is helped down by a guard he simply says "I grew up in King's Landing" heheheheheh and the bald twat sits there fuming that he did too but no one respects him
speaking of which we see Lady Tyrell looking at prospective necklaces with Marg but she doesn't aprove of any of them until she gets to one where she says "oh your grandfather gave me one just like this for my 51st nameday" but then SHE TOSSES IT OVER HER SHOULDER INTO THE SEA LMAOOOO she fucking rules
then she does the "leave us" meme to her other granddaughters telling them the one who gets her the best necklace from a jewler gets to keep the second best and they rush off giggling and Lady Tyrell seems to want to get the wedding perfect, not for her own vanity but probably because she wants the best optics on her family, but Marg doesn't care for pageantry and reveals her real feelings on her weeding "perhaps I should let Joffrey choose it for me, end up with a string of dead sparrow heads around my neck" this is why all the King's Landing characters are well written, they're all shitheads but different kinds of shitheads, so even someone as obviously dishonest and manipulative as Marg, you can see her point of view, and you probably wouldn't want to marry a manchild sociopath either, when in most fucking retarded media especially fantasy settings le bad guys are all on the same team and are fine with each other somehow, and granny warns her "you watch that, even here, even with me" as she knows there's ears everywhere and then Brie! approaches and when Lady Tyrell turns around she's like "MY WORD!" as she sees the absolute unit that is Brie
wearing a very fashionable shirt and tunic combo that suits her very well and she goes to introduce herself but granny says "we've heard all about you, but hearing is one thing!" and Brie steels herself ready to hear yet someone else talk about her body like she's a freak but granny loves it and says "aren't you just marvellous! absolutely singular!" as she very much appreciates a fellow woman being able to just cut to the chase and be physically powerful rather than having to use their sexuality like young women and their wiles like older women and Brie's eyes light up as she sees she actually respects her for her size as granny keeps gushing "I heard you knocked my granson into the dirt like the silly little boy he is!" and Brie tries to stifle a smile and just asks Marg for her time and granny gets a smile at how Brie's strong in personality too and tells her grandaughter "you dare not refuse!" shame Brie only got to spend like one fucking week with Cat wonder what she'll do with herself now, surprised they're letting her stay in KL, but she needs to discuss a certain "shadow" thing with Marg "with the face of Stannis Baratheon" she swears "he plunged his sword into Renly's heart and disappeared, I swear one day I'll avenge our King" but Marg instantly throws her late husband under the bus "Joffrey is our king now" taking her grandmothers words to heart already, but Marg still smiles to her and takes her by the hand as they pass by a statue of Joffrey looking badass holding his crossbow standing over the body of a slain wolf to commemorate his victory of the Starks and to make it seem like he had anything to do with it, a nice detail showing the sort of ye olde Fake News™ going around, also perhaps Brie will end up working for the Tyrells since she seems to think she has a connection with Marg even though she doesn't seem to care about revenge on Stannis at all since her family don't seem that bad at all
then there's some kino where we cut to Joffrey in the same pose as if we're immediately seeing the man behind the myths and behind him is Jaime doing what he loves, other than fucking his sister, and planning out the security for Joffrey's wedding, who isn't listening to him at all but is ogling the swords he has hanging up, as he's caught a taste for killing if not exactly the fair combat his uncle is into, and just goes "yes yes, one guard at the... thing, go on" not wanting to put any work into anything in his entire life, just like me! and it seems like Joffrey's personal guard is rustled Jaime is taking over from him but Joffrey tells him "all very good, I don't expect any trouble" since he's a brainlet and the butthurt guard agrees "the people love their King, they know who keeps them feed" and Jaime taunts "Margaery Tyrell I've heard" which triggers his nephew-son who starts ranting "they know I saved the city, I won the war!" but Jaime reminds him Stannis still loves, and Jaime claims to have broke him on the Blackwater, and whines about him not being there just like his mother, doing the same thing she does, repeat things her parent tells her, and Jaime calmly says "I was rather busy" but Joffrey has no respect for anyone and only has fear for his grandfather and mutters "busy getting captured" lmao LITERALLY DONALD TRUMP MAKING FUN OF PRISONERS OF WAR FROM HIS OWN SIDE HAHAHAH and Joffrey can't keep his zoomer attention span on anything for too long and starts thumbing through a book about the history of the Kingsguard pointing out his favorite violent and praised stories and then he throws shade at his uncle by turning to the page about him, that still has blank ones since he's still alive and he taunts "oh, someone forgot to write down your great deeds?" and Jaime assures him and himself "there's still time" and Joffrey rubs it in "is there? for a 40 year old knight with one hand? how can you protect me with that?" and Jaime looks shocked like he's both right and he can't talk shit to someone for once since he's King so just smiles and says "I use my left hand now Your Grace, makes for more of a contest" and Joffrey scoffs but smiles at him as if he likes that he just let him insult him to his face but as they leave Jaime looks insecure at his tiny entry in the book and closes it not wanting to think about how that'll be all anyone ever remembers of him and that's the fucking best case scenario if no one writes down that he fucks his sister lmao
then with Dany she's talking to Missy about going to Meereen where "a thousand slaves died building the Great Pyramid of Meereen" I read recently that the real life great pyramids probably weren't built by slaves but by workers who lived freely in towns surrounding it and people just assumed they were slave labor since literally and unironically the jews lied about being enslaved by the egyptians, when there's no historical evidence they were ever there until like 2000 fucking years later, r-remember the thousands who died building the pyramids goyim! and Dany celebrates "and now an army of former slaves is marching to her gates!" and Daario turns up acting completely differently from his previous actor lmao and does the "leave us" meme to Missy as Dany smugly allows him alone time with him, and he cringily provides her with a rose, lmao, he changed actors and became a fucking beta orbiter instead of a hedonistic Chad and she's so turned off by his new Nice Guy™ ways that she threatens to have him walk at the end of the caravan rathar than ride and when she doesn't shut up she adds "or without shoes?"
and he starts blathering on about how this is apart of Meereen culture and how she needs to know a people if she expects them to follow her and she seems more impressed as he starts showing her more flowers and explaining their significance, I mean this makes sense just not in the Mary Sue bubble Dany lives in where she knows absolutely nothing about the Unsullied or the Second Sons or the Yunkai but have them all following her, only culture she learned about were the Dothraki and only because she had to, and as he offers her the flowers she smirks "you are a gambler aren't you?" and takes them from him and stands there thinking if she's ready to accept another man yet but is interrupted by the massive train of 8K Unsullied stopping so she goes to the front of them to find... THE CORPSE OF A LITTLE GIRL STRUNG UP TO BE POINTING THE WAY AS A ROAD SIGNEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 63 and Jorah says "there's one on every mile market between here and Meereen" pretty sure an exposed corpse like that in this weather would be rotten away and eaten down to the bone by animals but ok dude and Dany asks "how many miles are there between here and Meereen?" and he regretfully says "163, Your Grace" oof, the edge, and Barry suggests to have their men ride ahead to bury them so she doesn't have to see, but she says "you will do no such thing, I will see each and every one of their faces, remove her collar before you bury her" knowing she needs to remind herself of her purpose
then we see Brie and Jaime overlooking the depressed Sansa and his new friend reminds him "you made a promise" but he handwaves, well heh, not literally "to return the Stark girls to their mother, who is now dead" but Brie inists "to keep them safe" and Jaime, already falling back into his old ways from being around his shithead father, sister and nephew-son reasons that Arya is probably dead which has a certain safety to it "and Sansa Stark is now Sansa Lannister, bit of a complication" but Brie takes warriors vows very seriously and Jaime just whines "what do you want me to do? kidnap my sister-in-law? and take her where? where would she be safer than here?" and Brie just stands up and says "look me in the eye and tell me she'll be safe in King's Landing" and Jaime can't do it since he knows shes right and as Brie keeps just maddogging him daring him to stare at him he turns and deadpans at her ability to emotionally strongarm him "are you sure we're not related?" which coming from Jaime could either be the biggest insult or the strongest come-on lmao and calls her a miserable pain in the arse like every Lannister and she just keeps staring at him so he quips "you've got the hair for it, if not the looks" and struts off trying not to let her get to him
but as Brie leaves... uh oh... a figure walks by having probably been spying on them, and as Sansa walks back up from staring out to sea edgily she hears someone walking around her, but there's no one there, so she rushes up the path trying to get back to the city but she sees a figure coming after her and then finds herself in a dead end and behind her comes.... some random fat drunk guy? uh oh, I mean maybe better than Oberyn, but it might still be bitch raping time, inb4 he shows up and kills him saving her, and he starts spilling his problems about how he used to be a knight but now he's a fool, oh I think this is the guy that Joffrey almost killed in the season 2 opening, but Sansa doesn't even recognize him, and I guess he came to her thinking she'd still have sympathy for him since she's the one who had him spared, and she finally places him and apologizes, and he gives her his thanks for saving him, and she calms down seeing he respects her, and she gives him... aww... his mothers and grandmothers necklace, which is the last of his family's history and the last of his belongings, and he asks her to "wear it and let my family have one more moment in the sun before it disappears from the world" which would be sweet if it didn't sound like he was planning to neck himself, and he smiles as she accepts "I'll wear it with pride Ser Doras", inb4 Oberyn shows up and knives him anyway
then we find The Hound and Arya riding through what looks like a cart that was ambushed and it's owners left dead by the roadside and Arya starts whining for a horse of her own to get away from The Hound's stench, but he wouldn't let the only thing of value he has left ride away, and she taunts him for not stealing anything from Joffrey before he left, but The Hound claims he's not a thief and Arya calls him out for "murdering little boys but not stealing" and he just grumbles "mans gotta have a code" probably just because his brother takes whatever he wants and he doesn't want to end up like him, and The Hound reveals his plan is to take Arya to her (rich) Aunt Lysa but then later they're spying on a homestead as Arya complains about them being hungry but The Hound says "five horses five men, more than I feel like killing on an empty stomach" I guess they figure it's soldiers staying there, maybe even the men who knocked over that cart, and one of the men swaggers out doing that constant grimace that evil NPCs do in shows like this to let you know they're a bad lower class person, and Arya says in a creepy monotone "I know him, the small one, his name is Polliver, he captured us and took us to Harrenhall, he killed Lommy, he was my friend, Polliver stole my sword and put it right through his neck" with a smile as she already knows she can sick The Hound on her at her leisure, and as the man takes a piss she looks down at his crotch to see his... other phallus, and says "he still has it, my sword: Needle" wow nice shitty little girls sword you've kept for 2 years retard and The Hound grumbles "needle? of course you named your sword" and Arya defends "lots of people name their swords" and The Hound growls "lots of CUNTS" lmaooooooooo but next thing he knows Arya is arrogantly walking down there as if she thinks this is just a video game she can win by kiting her escort AI into all the mobs to go get her sword back and The Hound grabs her and says "I don't care if he ATE your friend we're not going in there" but was speaking a bit too loudly as the door opens and a Lannister soldier bricks it to find him right in front of him and backs the fuck up and The Hound walks in the house as he hears... A WOMAN BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED and all five men look up at this big tall prick towering over them
and Arya comes in and closes the door to increase the chances of him having to kill them all rather than just grab her and run, and the men seem to know who he is and maybe just assume he's still working for their side, and I guess this is some Inn or something as they sit down at another table and Arya emotionlessly watches the men she's already decided to get killed tossing this poor woman around groping her, and ah yes, the Inn keeper is begging their leader "please, she's a good girl" but he tells him "shut your mouth and pour us more ale and we may not take her with us when we're done with her" as his mates touch up his daughter, and he looks over at our heroes table and says "I know you! you're... The Hound!" and Arya takes her hand off his sword as she's more ready to kill these guys than he is who so far is pretending to just be another visitor, and he demands another drink for his friend and starts lamenting to who he thinks is a fellow Lannister soldier "Stannis defeated at Blackwater, Robb Stark killed at the Twins, and where am I for all of it? stuck with your brother! meaning no offence" and The Hound grumbles "none taken" as he downs his drink and the man keeps ranting "he's good, the Mountain is, best at what he does, but... torture! torture! torture! torture! you spend so much time putting a hammer to people you start to feel like a carpenter making chairs, drains the fun right out of it" which is probably a good point, if you enjoyed torture you might not want to over do it since you might get desensitised to it like if you enjoyed whoring or drugs or something but had the self control to restrain yourself, but I guess The Mountain was always desensitised and it never meant anything to him "and whats life without a little fun, heheheh... but I don't need to tell you that do I?" as he looks at Arya thinking he's taking this 12 year old girl around with him to molest
and The Hound looks at Arya knowing she understands the situation and says "she's alright, had better" and the soldier laughs and suggests "you know what? you should come with us, his kind, they've always got something hidden away somewhere, gold silver, more daughters, always something if you know how to make him talk, and there's plenty of him between here and King's Landing, you could do well for yourself, we certainly have been!" which is some extremely realism since for some odd reason if you tell men not only is it actually a good thing to kill people but they have to do it they don't always keep it to the other men told the same bullshit and all throughout history shit like this has happened where soldiers just go off the chain and start raping and pillaging even if they're not ordered to do so all the way back in ancient times until the modern day, I seem to recall the fourth crusades ending with the crusaders just becoming extortionists and threatening christian cities with sacking if they didn't pay up they'd gotten so used to doing that to muslims lmao, [b]but for some fucking reason brainlet civilians think war is some honerable pursuit (until a soldier's burning their house down for fun of course)[/b] and The Hound turns him down but the man goes "think about it, we could do whatever we like, wherever we go! these are the King's colors, no one's standing in his way now, which means no one is standing in ours" but The Hound can't take it anymore, having put up with pieces of shit like this all his life, and barely cares about living anyway, and tells him "FUCK THE KING" and the entire Inn goes silent and Arya smiles to herself that her master plan is working and maybe he's got some good in him too, even if it expresses itself in bloodlust, as he casually finishes his drink, and the soldier admits "when I heard that Joffrey's dog had tucked tail and run from the Battle of the Blackwater I didn't believe it, but here you are-" and The Hound cuts in "here I am, bring me one of those chickens" ok this is going a bit too stereotypical "badass anti-hero slaughters rapists after tense build-up" and we've already had like two scenes like that from him so I'm guessing this is the rule of three meme and he's actually going to get his fucking ass beat here and it'll be his fault when the men kill the civvies or some such edge since it's getting near the episode and it's time for something grim and realistic to happen, and the soldier just laughs when he asks if they paid for it and said "we're the King's men" and The Hound pushes him saying he hasn't got "not a penny, but I'll still take that chicken" clearly just aggravating the man as he's already looting the place and the man, whats his name, is this uhhh Polliver? says "how about a trade? one of our little chickens for one of yours" and ogles Arya, inb4 the edge is The Hound agrees and walks out lmao, and he laughs to his mates "give us a go on your friend, Lowell here likes them a bit broken in" as they chuckle about him going last in the gangrapes I guess and The Hound just sits there grinding his teeth and says "you're a talker, listening to talkers makes me thirsty" and sloooooowly takes his own drink off of him and slooooooowly drinks it in front of him and he adds "and hungry, think I'll take two chickens" and Polliver looks back at his four friends to make sure they're ready to go and says "you don't seem to understand the situation" thinking they can take him and The Hound tells him "I understand that if any more words come pouring out of your CUNT mouth I'm gonna have to eat every fucking chicken in this room"uhhhhh odd threat that sounds like you're saying you'll suck them all off, sounds like something Timbo would say tbh and Polliver asks "you lived your life for the King, you're gonna die for some chickens?" and The Hound stares at him and says ".....someone is....."
and there's an excruciating silence as they just stare at each other in silence with The Hound just waiting for him and POLLIVER DRAWS HIS SWORD BUT THE HOUND JUST THROWS THE ENTIRE TABLE AT HIM, BLOCKS A MANS SWORD SWING WITH HIS OWN AND PUNCHES HIM AWAY, BLACKS A THIRD MANS SWORD AND SLASHES HIS SPINAL CORD APART SENDING HIM CRUMPLING IN A HEAP TO THE FLOOR
BLOCKS THE FOURTH MANS ATTACKS BEFORE SHOVING HIM AWAY AS THE LAST MAN CHARGE AT HIM FOR THE HOUND TO SIMPLY PUNCH SO HARD IN THE FACE BLOOD SPRAYS OUT, AND ONE OF THE OTHERS HAS A GO FOR THE HOUND TO EFFORTLESSLY PARRY AND PUNCH IN THE FACE SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE TOO, AND HE PARRIES ANOTHER AS ANOTHER KICKS HIM DOWN FROM BEHIND AND STARTS KICKING HIS ASS LITERALLY AND GRABS HIS FALLEN SWORD AND ATTACKS THE HOUND AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS FRIEND RUSHES IN WITH HIS OWN BLADE BUT THE HOUND BLOCKS BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
KICKS ONE AWAY AND KEEPS DEFLECTING THE BLOWS RAINING DOWN ON HIM FROM THE OTHER WHO KICKS HIS SWORD AWAY SO THE HOUND JUST KICKS HIS FEET OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND ONE OF THE MEN SCURRIES TOWARDS A SWORD ON THE GROUND BUT THE HOUNDS FOOT THUMPS DOWN ON IT AND WHEN HE LOOKS UP HE PUNCHES HIM SO HARD HIS FUCKING NECK BREAKS
AND HE PUNCHES ANOTHER MAN IN THE STOMACH AND THROWS HIM THROUGH A BANNISTER AND TWO OF THEM RUSH HIM WITH THEIR SWORDS BUT THE HOUND JUST GRABS ONE OF THEIR ARMS AND RAMS HIS SWORD UP HIS FRIENDS CROTCH! OH FUCK! WHO STUMBLES AWAY SCREAMING IN AGONY AS BLOOD DROPS OUT OF HIM
AND HIS FRIEND DIVES ON TOP OF THE HOUND HOLDING A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT BUT THE HOUND HOLDS HIM BACK WITH HIS HAND CRAWLING OVER HIS FACE AND MANAGES TO FORCE THE MANS KNIFEHAND AWAY BUT THE MAN STRUGGLES TO KEEP IT AT ARMS LENGTH AS HARD AS HE CAN SO HE CAN'T FORCE IT INTO HIM SO THE HOUND SIMPLE GRIPS HIS ENTIRE HEAD IN HIS MASSIVE HAND AND SLAMS THE MANS FACE DOWN ONTO THE KNIFEPOINT BLINDING HIM AS HE SQUEALS IN AGONYaaaaaaaaa that hurts to look at
and he casually lets the defeated man drop down as he steps up but Arya sees the guy he threw through the banister going for his sword so she grabs a pot and smashes it over his head and picks up the sword and ARYA STRUGGLES TO PUSH THE SWORD INTO THE MANS CHEST OH SHIT ITS REAL NIGGA HOURS
AND SHE MARCHES UP BEHIND POLLIVER WHO'S THE LAST MAN STANDING AND DOWNS HIM WITH A STAB TO THE SPINE aaaaah there's the edge I was waiting for and with an enchanted look on her face carefully takes her sword from out his belt as he thumps down onto the floor and as The Hound gradually goes around killing all the men he disabled by running his sword through their chests Arya taunts Polliver in a creepy monotone "something wrong with your leg boy?" and he stupidly goes "wh-what do you mean?" as she repeats his words back to him that he said to poor Lommy "can you walk? I've got to carry you?" and the man looks up confused "carry me?" as she switches to his words to her "fine little blade..." and puts it to his throat and says "maybe I'll pick my teeth with it" and the split second he finally recognizes her ARYA INSERTS HER SWORD INTO HIS THROAT JUST LIKE HE DID TO HER FRIENDLIVE BY THE EDGE DIE BY THE EDGE MOTHERFUCKER
and the special effects for it exiting the back of his head were so well done I actually flinched and she stands there looking down at him super satisfied as he drowns to death in his own blood like he did to Lommy and then we cut to The Hound casually eating the chicken that presumably the Inn keeper happily gave him as a reward... and for him to leave, and behind him on Arya, who's already gotten herself one of their horses, and they ride off into the country.... that has huge smokey fires billowing out of it, implying that there's plenty more scum like those men out there for these two to chop their way through, I like this Arya storyline, "le deadly badass young teen" is usually ultra obnoxious but it's been fairly grounded so far which her using sneak attacks and manipulating grown men into killing her targets so far and I think they've earned Arya starting to become a Real Nigga, as in she was already a tomboy who wanted to be a soldier, but then she sees her own father getting beheaded, her friends killed, people tortured in front of her, gets a crash course in how to pokerface from being Tywin's servant and has been around like three badass soldier guys before The Hound who's a fun person to pair with him since huge killing machine brute with little girl is a funny juxtaposition but they've got more in common than you'd think and they both develop each other in interesting ways, with Arya drawing some of the goodness out of The Hound and Arya learning to be more of a Real Nigga from him despite him not bothering to try to mentor her as she has a natural aptitude for her, but it's still pretty fucked up since she clearly enjoys killing, if only she was older and hotter so I could fap to her since I'm not a pedo or into quasimodo, my only complaint is that while storylines that are along the lines of "look how messed up this kid is, imagine what they'll be like as an adult!" are usually let-downs since you rarely ever actually do get to see them as older since that would require recasting them and timeskipping the setting, but I seem to recall some real dumb shit with Arya happening in the future so oh well
Game of Thrones 4x02: "The Lion and the Rose" The War of the Five Manlets special edition
First aired: April 13, 2014
ok so this episode doesn't open with the opening credits but on a forest with a pack of rottweilers or whatever running through it and Ramsey and Myranda are calling after them "tansy" lol thought they were saying "tanty" at first lisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and it seems like Ramsey and Myranda are on a hunting trip together, skipping through the undergrowth giggling and laughing in exitement and holding hands, awwww, and then... poor Theon... no Reek... comes limping after them, at this stage far scared to try to do a runner again, but... oh... Tansy isn't the name of a dog... TANSY IS THE NAME OF THE GIRL THEY'RE HUNTINGEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 65and if you think this is too edgy to be real well let me namedrop Alaskan serial killer Robert Hansen who used to abduct women and let them go in the wilderness so he could track and kill them with his mini-14 hunting rifle
and this poor woman is running through the woods in a dress as Ramsey yells after her "if you make it out of the woods, you win!" although we know with him that doesn't mean much and the girl screams in fear as Myranda shoots an arrow at her and she dives into a river and scrambles to hide trying to keep herself quiet as she hears them calling for her but then the dogs suddenly come racing at her and she takes off into the woods again but MYRANDA PUTS AN ARROW THROUGH HER LEG and these huge, let me look this up, Italian Mastiffs, surround her and Ramsey runs up all excited telling them "good girls! down! dooown!" and he Myranda whines that she didn't kill her, but Ramsey says she took her down which is all that matters, and then demands "a fine shot, wasn't it Reek?" and poor Reek stutters "a f-fine shot master m-my lady!" and Tansy begs for mercy and Myranda aims at her and says "shes pretty... let me put one through her face!"
but he says "we need to reward the hounds, they did all the hard work" I guess showing an aptitude for training animals which he maybe moved onto doing with humans and the victim begs "why? I did whatever you want?" and Ramsey over-dramatically says "yes but you made Myranda feel jealous" and she immediately whines "me? jealous of her?" as if he's just joking but she's serious and lightens up only when she realizes he's memeing as he goes "you can see your presence has become a bit of a problem!" pretending to be awkward and he starts creaming "RIP HER! RIP HER! RIP HER" AS THE MASTIFFS TEAR HER APART AND SHE DIES SCREAMING IN AGONY as Reek just stares off with his eyes barely focusing twitching and hmming to himself as if he knows he could be next at any second, the actor's done a really good job of seeming extremely traumatised and mentally ill in the way people get when their brains are fried from stress and the make-up to make him look like complete shit is good too, also ummmmmmmm so it seems Myranda is more than just some whore Ramsey paid to le ebin ruse Theon (when I first thought that scene I thought the plan was to get him hard specifically saw Ramsey could cut his dick off when it was erect so he could eat it in front of him or something lmao but I guess it was just to make him even more paranoid of trying to get help from others and agonize him that he couldn't even get laid one last time) but it seems like she's quite the evil cunt herself, I'll be keeping my eye (on my dick) on her, although I'm sure Ramsey doesn't actually care about her and she's just someone amusing to "play" with, I thought maybe the blonde girl with the other cag but it seems not
then as if to make us think of Theon's, sorry Reek's, predicament we cut to Podrick serving Tyrion some sausages as he memes at his brother about how his new hand is nicer than the old one and Pod asks "is it solid gold?" but Tyrion explains "gilded steel" as Jaime glares at Pod like he's lucky he's had some character development or he'd have thrown him out a window before and Tyrion laments how Jaime isn't eating just like his starving wife and taunts him "you lost a hand, not a stomach" and Jaime just smiles as if he missed Tyrion's banter and maybe appreciates him more now since he's less of a cunt than his sister and father and Tyrion memes "try the boar, Cersei can't get enough of it since one killed Robert for her" which made me think if she personally poisoned his wine since Lancel got cucked pretty hard by Tyrion and he's probably smart enough to make him spill any beans about that situation and Tyrion memes again "to the Lannister children, the dwarf, the cripple and the Mother of Madness" and Jaime grins but leans over to take some food and spills his drink and confidently tells Podrick the "leave us" meme as he's insistent he learn how to do everything himself as he starts cleaning up and Tyrion cheers him up by pouring his own glass onto the table and saying "it's only wine!" and pours him another glass and Jaime quietly confides in his brother, trying to be emotionally vulnerable for the first time with him, "I can't fight anymore, I can hold a sword, but all my instincts are wrong, how can I protect the King when I can hardly wipe my own arse?" and Tyrion just says "you're the Lord Commander now, Command, let others do the fighting" I guess that's Bronn out of a job then and asks "when was the last time father held a sword?" but Jaime says "I'm not father, I'm the Kingslayer, and when people find out I can't slay a pigeon..." lmao and complains how he can't even train since they'd just go gossip about him and Tyrion says "you need a proper, discrete swordsman, as it happens I know just the one" oh god it's gonna be Bronn isn't it
and yep, we cut to Bronn bringing some training equipment down the stairs to a dock Jaime is waiting on and he says "my brother tells me you can keep your mouth shut? unusual talent for a sellsword" and oh boy what's his witty comeback going to be "he tells me you shit gold just like your father!" right great thanks Bronn so Jaime tosses him his purse and asks "this place safe?" and Bronn just says "there's this knight, Leygood, got thunderbolts on his shield? right here is where I fuck his wife! she's a screamer that one, if they don't hear her they won't hear us" hehehe sounds like she Leygood too and Bronn insists they use training swords and Jaime moans "havn't used a blunt sword since I was nine" but when he goes to pick it up he slaps his hand with his lmao and Jaime insults "bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down" and quickly grabs the sword so he can't do it again and starts sparring with him and Jaime manages to keep up but Bronn just shoves him away with his other hand making him grumble "if I still had my other hand..." and Bronn memes "planning on growing it back?" and they spar again this time with Bronn charging into Jaime and almost sending him falling off the dock and he gets rustled looking but remembers not to be a shithead and controls himself and growls "come on then" and goes on the attack managing to push Bronn back for once... only to have him push him away again, but he's improving just a little
then we see I think the exterior of the Bolton castle for the first time as Roose and Lock and their men arrive back home with Ramsey waiting for them and he stands there impatiently as if he feels entitled to his fathers immediately attention and Roose casually walks over barely even looking him in the eye and introduces his very overweight new wife that I guess he wasn't joking about as "Walda, this is Ramsey Snow, my bastard" and Ramsey gives her a huge manic fake as fuck grin and kisses her on the cheek saying "hello mother" and since we saw he can act normal when he wants to he's probably acting weird on purpose to get attention from his father but the fat woman doesn't seem bothered and actually seems faltered by a young man her own age kissing her lmao and when Roose sends them away he asks his son "where's your price?" as if he clearly has no problem with barbarism when it suits his ends he can tell there's something fucking wrong with his son to do this shit recreationally, but I guess Ramsey was born into the perfect house since their culture is based around fucking flaying people alive lmao and Ramsey smiles proudly "with the hounds" and Roose leaves saying "I'll take a look at him" like he still doesn't have any sympathy for ol Reek and when Ramsey sees Locke he gets a huge grin and shakes his hand saying "I hear you took a hand from the Kingslayer!" who tells him "oh word travels, how he screamed, you would have loved it!" much to Ramseys amusement
then we see Roose sitting in a chair waiting to get shaved by it seems Locke when Ramsey turns up with the meek Reek and Roose looks up surprised that he's just letting their captive walk around but then he clocks... why, that he's completely docile, and he walks up to Reek and asks "what did you do to him?" as if he thinks he's got brain damage or something from how Reek is twitching erratically and staring off at the floor terrified to look anyone in the eyes and Ramsey sneers at him "I trained him, he was a slow learner, but he learned" and Roose figures "you flayed him" and Ramsey shrugs "peeled a few bitssss, removed a few others" and looks around mischievously and Roose gets the implication and reminds him "this was Balon Greyjoy's son and heir" and Ramsey excuses "we've been flaying our enemies for 1000 years, the flayed man is on our banners!" and Roose just says blankly "on my banners, you're not a Bolton, you're a Snow" and Ramsey pretends to understand but as soon as his father walks away looks like he's about to fucking scream and Roose says "Tywin Lannister has given me the North but he wont lift a finger to help me take it, as long as the ironborn hold Moat Cailin our armies are trapped south of the Neck, Theon was your valuable hostage not your plaything, I wanted to trade him for Moat Cailin" and Ramsey mumbles "I already asked, Lord Greyjoy refused... savages have no-" but Roose cuts off his bullshit and asks "you sent terms to Balon Greyjoy without my consent?" but that word ain't in Ramsey's vocabulary and insists "you made me acting Lord of the Dreadfort! I acted" and Roose inhales sharply and marches up to his bastard son and tells him "I had to smuggle myself into my own lands thanks to the Greyjoys... I needed Theon... I needed him whole" whispering as if trying to explain to a child and Ramsey cheekily says "Theon was our enemy... but Reek... Reek will never betray us" and Roose can't believe this fucking maniac and says "I placed far too much trust in you" again good writing where all bad people don't unanimously support each other, Roose might be a backstabbing traitor torturing war criminal but he doesn't respect his son since he clearly puts his sadism before his duties to maintaining political power and in turn Ramsey thinks his father is unreasonable since he's simply winning the Bolton game of being the most terrifying person in the game and he looks like he's about to do a school shooting but comes up with an idea and says "Reek, how could you let me stand before my father unshaven? its disrespectful" and Reek looks fucking terrified Ramsey is addressing him and mumbles with a raggedy voice as if it's gone horse from so much screaming "sorry m'lord" and Ramsey orders Locke "give him the razor" and starts bathing his face and sitting in the shaving chair and Roose looks at him like he's truly insane
but he just snarls "I'm not a Bolton, father, what does it matter?" so Roose just nods to Locke to let Reek take the blade and without even thinking about it Reek starts shaving Ramsey as he says "go on... a nice... close shave" and Roose stares on in confusion as Reek carefully shaves his master, no, his owner, and as if to demonstrate his total control even further he asks "Reek... tell father where are Bran and Rickon Stark?" and the completely cowtowed Reek admits "I don't know my lord" and Roose says even more confused "you murdered them and displayed their corpses at Winterfell" and Ramsey asks like he's talking to a chatbot "Reek, did you murder the Stark boys?" and Reek whimpers "no my lord, two farm boys" "and crisped them so no one would know?" "yes my lord" and Roose looks on disturbed for maybe the first time in his life as his own son reveals how utterly he's broken this man that he'd unthinkingly betray his house, himself and the little boys he grew up with as brothers and Locke looks around confused like this is the most surreal thing he's ever seen and he just saw a giant woman and a one-handed prince fight a bear
and Ramsey drones dispassionately as if he doesn't give a fuck about politics as long as he gets what he wants in his own life "the Starks have always ruled the North... if Bran and Rickon are still alive the country will rally by their side now that Robb Stark is gone" and... Reek freezes up... with the razor blade against Ramsey's chin... and Ramsey goes "oh, that's right Reek... Robb Stark is dead... sorry... I know he was like a brother to you but my father put a knife through his heart"
and Reek stands there not shaking for once as if a little bit of Theon is trying to form himself and Ramsey asks "how do you feel about that?" and Roose looks on curiously to see if his son gets his fucking neck cut open or not as Reek starts whimpering... but whatever part of Theon is left probably knows even if he kills him his father will just flay him alive, so keeps shaving him without a word and Roose snaps out of his disgust and orders Locke "you in the mood for a hunt? find those boys and I'll give you 1,000 acres and a holdfast" and Locke asks Ramsey "your pet rat have any thoughts of which way they went after Winterfell?" and he just needs to look up at Reek for him to pathetically, but seeming to still need to force himself this time, to grass up "Jon Snow was at Castle Black" and Locke asks "who the fucks Jon Snow?" lmao and Roose, who looked like he had 1% compassion for Reek for giving up his family, something that's important to him, just because his owner looked at him, explains "their bastard brother, he could be sheltering them, he may know where they are" and the clean shaven Ramsey struts up and says "even if he's not, he's half Stark himself... could be a threat..." so his father says "want to prove yourself a Botlon? gather whatever men you can and ride for Moat Cailin, bring this creature of yours, maybe he'll be of some use, take the Moat for our family, for our family, and I'll reconsider your position" and Reek just completely disconnects hanging his head like he's in stand-by mode not being able to have a coherent thought of his own and glad of it as Ramsey gets a happy smile on his creepy ass school shooter face
then in the King's Landing gardens Varys is meeting with Tyrion and they make smalltalk but as soon as Podrick is out of earshot Varys immediately warns Tyrion that Sansa's maid grassed up Shae to Cersei and Tyrion thinks fast and says "so I'm guilty of being seen with my wife's handmaiden? my father will ask you if there's anything more and you'll tell him some clever lie" but Varys says "no I will not, how long do you imagine your father and sister would let me live if they suspected me of lying? I have no pet sellsword to protect me, no legendary brother to avenge me, only little birds who whisper in my ears" probably genuinely scared of Tywin since he knows he'd merc him like it was nothing if he thought he was acting against him even a little but it doesn't work on Tyrion who just says "forgive me if I don't weep for you" so Varys uncharacteristically snarls "no one weeps for spiders... or whores!" as she's actually let himself be emotionally invested in Tyrion, or at least wants him to think so, and tries to get Shae to just leave again but he explains how she wont so Varys just whispers angrily "your father threatened to hang the next whore you were caught with, have you ever known your father to make an idle threat?" and he gives a bow and runs off
then in the gardens some fat bald guy is presenting Joffrey with a "wedding cup" from his house and it's oh, it's Margaery's father, who does look like a useless twat, and Joffrey, sitting with the whole fucked up Lannister family, plays nice and asks if he should call him father, awww, but then Cersei spots Shae cagging around and doxxes her to Tywin who says "have her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding" with an evil look on his face oh god and Cersei goes "mmhh" all pleased with herself and then it's Tyrion's turn to present his gift, a book about the history of four kings that I guess were some Targarians, and Joffrey looks offended like he assumes it's Tyrion saying he's a shit king and needs to study proper kings or something but Tywin looks at him and Joffrey manages to control himself and tell his uncle "now that the war is won, we should all find time for wisdom, thank you uncle" quite convincingly and Tyrion stares at him knowing Joffrey managing to play nice even with him means something fucking weirds happening, presuming maybe he's heard about his sister and grandfather being onto Shae and is pleased that his uncle will be getting fucked over soon, and Sansa eyes the two of them confused as Tyrion pows to his nephew, and then a helmeted Kingsguardsman provides Joffrey with Tywin's gift, the second Valyrian steel sword he had smelted, which Joffrey loves, and he rushes around to unsheathe it with a big siiiiiiiing much to the wonder of everyone around him, and he starts swishing it in the air like a dumbass kid playing with a toy and Pycelle tries to jokingly say "careful your grace, nothing cuts like Valyrian steel" and JOFFREY USES HIS NEW SWORD TO CHOP APART TYRION'S BOOK LMAO!!! FUCK BOOKS!!! not even being able to play nice with his uncle for a full minute with his new father in law backing the fuck up as he almost cuts him too roflll and he asks his guests that are eating in the garden to name his sword and brave men call out "stormbringer!" "terminus!" sorry that's copyrighted by The Walking Dead "widow's wail!" "wolfsbane" and Joffrey decides "Widow's Wail, I like that.... every time I use it it'll be like cutting off Ned Stark's head all over again!" as he puts it back and Tyrion awkwardly looks at Sansa who remembers her reason to live... to kill that cunt
then later that day Tyrion is looking out the window as the wind ruffles the blinds in the same way it did before Stannis' invasion and then Shae turns up looking to get pumped again and Tyrion starts acting weird telling her "our friendship can't continue" and tells her it's time for her to leave as "I'm a married man, I need to uphold my vows" and Shae can tell what he's trying to do and calls him out but compassionitely "you're afraid, you're afraid of your father and sister, you're going to run from them all your life? we will fight them together, it's like you said, I am yours and you are mine" which I guess is a common saying but Tyrion knows this aint no fucking fairytail and she'll be dead by the end of the week if he doesn't dump her so yells "YOU'RE A WHORE! Sansa is fit to bear my children and you are not! I can't be in love with a whore! I can't have children with a whore!" and he grits his teeth as he forces himself to emotionally abuse the love of his life "how many men have you been with? 500? 5000?" but he cant even look at her in anger and Shae just composes herself and asks back "how many whores have you been with?" and Tyrion says "I have enjoyed my time when them and you most of all but now that time is over" and struggles to keep himself standing in front of her like he wants to just run out the room and when she breaks down crying knowing this is for real he goes and opens the door to let Bronn in and promises she'll have a comfortable life in Pentos and when Bronn puts his hand on her shoulder she slaps him and storms off and there's an extremely scary cut where Tyrion slaps a bowl of prunes over in anger and we smash cut to
a woman screaming as a flaming torch is put to a bundle of, well, faggots, as the Red Lady gives some speech about giving tokens to Allah, uhhh uh oooh there's people tied to stakes and one man on the stake screams "sire! I served you well?" as Stannis looks on barely reacting as he's already seen it all before and the Red Lady just needed to flip the moral switch in him for him to get onboard since he was already emotionally hardened and the man screams down "Selyse! you're my sister!" to Stannis wife, jesus christ THEY'RE BURNING STANNIS BROTHER-IN-LAW ALIVE! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 66
but her and all his other men are praying as the fire spreads up and engulfs the victims who die screaming in agony and his wife just gasps in wonder and says "did you see? their souls, did you see their souls? our lord took them, did you see?" looking up at the smoke billowing out and Stannis just walks away and Davos, in a story role that's officially fucking riduculous, chides Stannis for IMMOLATING HIS WIFE'S BROTHER just because the Red Lady told him to, yeah uhhhh I think perhaps he is a bit beyond fucking saving at this point and I think it's a bit fucking retarded that the Red Lady would keep Davos around, maybe they need him for tactical purposes but she'd probably send him away and like threaten to kill his wife if he tried to talk sense to Stannis ever again, this would literally be like if Hitler's war buddy was standing beside him as he threw jews in the gas chamber "you know mate circumcisions messed up but this is going a bit too far now" I think he's made up his mind, and Stannis just says "he was an infidel"PRAISE BE TO ALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH and Davos says "he worshipped the gods of his fathers and their fathers before him, they were the gods of your fathers too" and Stannis says "I ordered him to tear down his idols, he disobeyed"oh ok then ISIStannis and Davos tries to reason with him about how many ships he brought to the cause and Stannis just says "a great deal more than you" and wanders off like he's completely under her thrall, and his wife comes up ranting to Davos about how great that was and he just humors her and then the Red Lady walks past him as if daring him to try something, this Red Lady character would be a lot more interesting if it wasn't, you know, a fucking fact her religion was real in this world, if it was ambiguous if she was a true believer or just some charlatan who knows how to brainwash even the most powerful men into her cult it'd be interesting, but now it's like, well, she really is helping his war cause, and the only mystery is if she's just using him for another end or if she really thinks he's the Chosen One, I'm sure there'll be some ebin twist in the final episode where it's actually Dany, but it's still lame that we know she's not a fraud and she really is serving an actual supernatural entity so like this madness is as reasonable as any other sacrifice of innocents for more political power and not the complete mentalist that shit like this is in real life and usually run by complete con artists
anyway then at an awkward dinner with the Stannis family he sniffs at some food on his knife and grumbles "meats off, serve fish, we're on an island" but his wife reminds him "you hate fish" and Stannis grumbles "I hate a great many thing but I suffer through them" probably meaning her so she tells a story about her starving in Storm's End "Stannis boiled me soup from books, binding glue is made from horses" not sure that's how it works but people in Haiti eat fucking mud just to stop being hungry and have something physically in their stomach so there you go and she tries to praise her husband for also catching seagulls for them and the Red Lady says hunger was all she knew was a child until the fire lord found her and his wife says "I fear for our daughters soul, she's a stubborn little beast" but that's Stannis soft spot and he corrects "she's a child" but his wife says the usual cunty wife thing "you barely know her" and calls her sinful and says Allah marked her which is why she needs the rod but based Stannis is woke to peaceful parenting and says "she is my daughter, you will not strike her" and she says "as you command" but suggests letting the Red Lady speak to her knowing that's worse but he'll let her
then that night we see her coming to visit with a burning candle and asks the princess if hearing the ceremony on the beach frightened her and this poor girl calmly says her uncle "was always kind to me" and the Red Lady says they're in a better place now, and the girl says "they screamed", and she flippantly says "women scream when they give birth, afterwards they are filled with so much joy" speaking from personal experience..... sort of.... and the girl says "afterwards they aren't ash and bone" and the Red Lady claims she was just as inquisitive as her when she was a girl, just not a princess, but the girl doesn't take kindly to flattery and adds she didn't have her lizardface either, and the Red Lady realizes she's not so easy to manipulate and tells her "but I suffered in other ways sweet girl believe me" getting rrrrrrrrrraped I assume and she starts telling her the 7 gods are bullshit, that there's only two gods, one of goodness and one of evil, oh I thought there was only one true god, but I guess this belief in inspired by certain real Dualism religions where they believed that shit which frankly makes a lot more sense than the one all good all powerful god who lets evil exist for no good reason and the Red Lady says some real edgy Gnosticism shit "there is only one hell, the one we live in now" which is dumb for extremely pampered people to say in the modern world but back then you might think actually yeah I'm about to die from dysentery at any second you're probably right
and then as if to prove her right we see a POV shot of probably a wolf stalking through the frozen tundra in what I assume is Bran Warging on his wolf... attacking a deer and killing it and seeing the blood pump out of it, and yeah, Hodor wakes Bran up from controlling his direwolf, and it looked like it was nighttime but I guess that was just the low color vision of the dog as it's morning now, and it seems like Bran is getting gaming addiction and is mad to be awoken and when they tell him he'd been gone for hours he says "I was hungry" as if he was just following the urges of the wolf's body and forgetting that that wasn't his own that was laying there still starving in the snow and the teen boy explains "your body cant live on the food Summer consumes, too much time in Summer's skin is dangerous... you're not a direwolf Bran" and Bran grumpily eats some food his sister gives him as the boy admits "must be glorious, to run, to leap, to hunt, to be whole" as he understands why Bran relishes the escape from his own body so much, not just that being a wolf is liberating, just being able to walk is, but he warns "I know it's tempting but if you're trapped in Summer for too long you'll forget what it was to be a human" and when he doesn't respond his sister pushes "you'll forget us Bran, you'll forget your mother and father, your brothers and sisters, Winterfell, you'd forget you, and if we lose you, we lose everything" but he doesn't speak, then later Hodor is dragging him through the woods when they hear Summer the white direwolf snorting and huffing as she stands by... one of those white trees with red leaves, and Bran tells Hodor to carry him there so he can talk to the fucking face in it that I assume someone carved in at some stage? but Bran touches the face and it almost seems like he fucking Wargs into the tree and gets a waking vision of an older version of the tree during summer
of the three eyed crow flying under Winterfell, of his father cleaning his sword and in the dungeon, and then a mans voice saying "look for me... beneath the tree" as he sees the birds chasing Sam and the little girl White Walker from the very first scene, the White Walker horse, the Iron Throneroom in winter from Dany's vision quest, and then we get our first glimpse of who I know from his promotional material being everywhere THE WHITE WALKER'S KING looking at Bran from beneath some ice
and then echos of Cersei saying "he saw us" and Bran falling out the window and shit gets trippy like hes smoking some DMT in Joe Rogan's flotation dank as we see... A DRAGON'S SHADOW OVER KING'S LANDING, Bran falling in a loop over and over again, the days passing over an ancient tree, until a mans voice orders NORTH and Bran takes his hand off gasping and he tells the kids "I know where we have to go"
then in KL at this huge church thing it's... someone's... wedding, and everyone is dead silent, no one daring to say shit like at Tyrion's wedding, as Marg is led down the aisle by her father to take a smiling Joffrey's arm and they come up to the priest for him to flawlessly give her his cloak of protection and the whole Lannister family looks on seriously, with Jaime and Tyrion sharing a worried look, with Sansa glaring daggers at Joffrey like she's thinking how much she'd hate to be up there and only Tommen seems even vaguely happy about it as the priest guy says their vows , wonder how many fucking nerds have gotten married in real life this way lmao, and Joffrey dramatically says to the crowd "with this kiss! I pledge my love!" and the entire main cast forces themselves to clap while looking extremely shift and suspicious, and Sansa quips to Tyrion "we have a new queen" and he just assures "better her than you", well... that went better than expected
then afterwards Tyrion joins Lady Tyrell, who it would be dank as fuck if they had a love affair or something despite both being in their 70s, and he comments "bit much wouldn't you say?" as he's not a man for pomp (unless it's his mental samurai suit on the battlefield) but Lady Tyrell says "it feels proportionate for the expected extravagance" since it's all about keeping up appearance for her, not out of any vanity or insecurity, but because she knows that'll keep her family in power to demonstrate their wealth, but Tywin declares "people who spend their money on this sort of nonsense tend not to have it for long" and Lady Tyrell, the only person alive who can talk down to Tywin, tells him "you ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might ind it suits you" lmao and just as she's getting a smile out of him her fucking idiot son waddles up and she immediately snaps "not now Mace! Lord Tywin and I are speaking" not wanting him to mess up her trying to build a dynamic with the most powerful man on the continent lmao and instantly switching back to cheeky granny mode says "anyway I don't know what you're complaining about, I'm paying my share" and Tywin finally giving in and enjoying her company teases back "shall we stick golden roses on all the meat pies to commemorate your generosity?" daring her to play the dangerous game of bantering with him and she knows just how to play along with him, he wants to hear "no, a heartfelt "thank you" is it's own reward" knowing he doesn't like anyone else mocking him back and now that she's got on his good side she sinks the claws in "I would imagine I'll be hearing it again before long, wars are expensive, (((the Iron Bank))) will have its due, how they love to remind everyone, almost as much as you Lannisters with your debts" and Tywin tries to get a word in edgeways but she just keeps going on until he can finally claim "I'm not worried about (((the Iron Bank)))" and she takes his arm and says "we both know you're smarter than that, come Tywin, let us celebrate young love" having planted that seed in his brain to get more leverage over him
then at a colourful feast there are jugglers and fire blowers and clowns on stilts entertaining the happy guests as Tyrion struts down the red carpet with Pod and Bronn by his side saying "all taken care of" but Tyrion anxiously needs to confirm she was definitely on the ship and Bronn assures "only people who know are you, me and Varys" not that comforting knowing his scheming and Bronn puts his hand on his little friends shoulder and tells him "she's gone, I know you don't want to believe it but she is, now go drink until it feels like you did the right thing" in the street smart way he has of making a loser seem poetic by admitting to the underlying motivations behind everything then there's a funny bit where Oberyn comes up and says hello, Tyrion says hello, and he just says "not you" without even looking down and keeps walking with his wife to see... an exotic belly dancer girl lmao, with based Pod gives an ogle
and then with some creepy accordion music being played we pan around Joffrey ruminating on something horrible I'm sure as Lady Tyrell speaks to Sansa who plays with her hair and gives her condolences "war is war, but killing a man at a wedding, horrid, what sort of monster would do such a thing? as if men need more reasons to fear marriage!" and Sansa gives her a 10% smile but cant help but notice the grim undertones of mentioning the Red Wedding while at a fucking wedding right now and when Tyrion arrives she starts teasing him that he mustn't be able to afford to bring her to Highgarden but he's not in the mood and just sits there drinking but Sansa smiles that this nice old lady wants her to come visit and the band start singing a creepy song about a lions claws which Joffrey cant stand so he stands up and yells "very good very good, now off you go!" and pelts them with gold coins lmao and the crowd all laugh at the band scampering to pick up the money and flee and Marg tells Joffrey "my love, why don't we make the announcement?" and he gets a naughty grin and stands up to announce "The Queen... would like to say a few words" so they all clap for her to stand up and announce that Joffrey has decreed that the leftovers of their feast be given to the poorest of the city, something I'm sure she talked him into, and everyone claps at their generosity and looks relieved that it's not something mental, and a nice relaxing song starts playing as Cersei comes up to kiss Marg and tell her "you're an example to us all" and Marg has to stand there and let the woman who threatened to kill her kiss her on the cheeks and Loras is standing about awkward knowing it's 3 weddings down 1 to go, his, when he spots... Oberyn watching him, and he can tell he's checking him out and gives him a cheeky look and is so captivated when he turns around he bumps into Jaime and he apologizes expecting this guy to gay bash him or something but Jaime's a bit more restrained now and says it's quite alright and compliments his sisters beauty which Loras returns to his, careful now, and Jaime brings up his wedding and luls him into a false sense of security by saying "our fathers are both rather keen on the prospect, maybe they should get married!" and laughs friendly with him and Loras forces a laugh as if h-heh yeah g-gay relationships f-funny stuff but as soon as Loras relaxes figuring his uh... his uh... u... uncle in law? soon to be brother in law? is being nice to him Jaime leans in and says "if you were to marry Cersei she'd murder you in your sleep, if you somehow managed to put a child in her first, she'd murder him too, long before he drew his first breath, luckily for you none of this will happen because you'll never marry her" and Loras gets the picture but he can handle himself especially against a one-handed man and knows all the rumors and just tells him "AND NEITHER WILL YOU" and pats him on the shoulder and walks off oooooooooh snaaaaaaaaap and Jaime stands there insecure about not intimidating him, probably wondering if it's because of his hand or if it's because he's lost his old malice
then he sees Brie approach the royal table to shake her friend Marg's hand and Cersei catches with a bemused laugh "did you just bow?" since that's what men do in their culture and Brie explains "I never did master the curtsy" as she's not one for dresses, which probably really fucking pisses off Cersei since she resents having to learn all the submissive pageantry bullshit of being a highborn female like curtsy and probably wishes she could just wear whatever she wants like Brie usually does and Joffrey ever the edgemaster points at her and goes "you're the one who put a sword through Renly Baratheon" and Brie doesn't say shit back since she knows he actually thinks that's a good thing and she can't exactly explain the real situation without sounding like she's lying to the King but Marg corrects him "that's not true my love, Brienne had nothing to do with it" and Joffrey smarms "shame, I'd knight the man who put an end to that deviants life" probably too dumb to realize he's insulting his new wife's brother right in front of him and not caring since it's her fucking late husband too and Brie just smiles to herself knowing she could break this little shits neck one-handed and congratulates them and wishes Joffrey a long and peaceful reign but he cuts her off "yes yes" now that they're not talking about murders anymore and Marg smiles fondly "I hope we see more of you" and Brie smiles and leaves with her face dropping having been done playing nice with them but then Cersei stops her and tells the much taller woman that she's a Lords daughter so that makes her a lady whether she wants to be one or not, which seems like harmless smalltalk but to Cersei is probably her very angrily wanting to trap Brie in the same gender roles she's trapped in and hates (which I feel I must have ranted about somewhere in here before but the quick rundown on my feelings on this is gender roles are literally a scam to stop men from realizing being a serf forced to do backbreaking labor and being conscripted to die for some posh cunt in a war is a shit deal by convincing him it's actually cool and badass and to keep women in the auxiliary roles needed to support that role and when society moved onto a fiat currency based system very coincidentally gender roles moved on to being based around how much money a man can earn and what car and dumb gadgets he can buy to show his masculine worth and women's gender roles now revolve entirely around how much utterly pointless tat no man actually notices like the latest clothes, shoes, handbags, hair & nail & skin treatments and make-up she can buy as that's the new way to extract value from dumb poor people and if you actually care about meeting gender roles you're a fucking NPC wanting to be updated with the latest scripts to control you and while there's natural gender roles from biology you don't need to nag people to do those because they happen naturally in fact you usually need to nag people to NOT do things that are natural like having lots of unprotected sex or stuffing your face with as much food as you can find, fuck conservatives, fuck all the lgbtqia+ retards who say they're dismantling gender roles but just acting them out themselves, fuck Cersei (yes please) and fuck you), and Brie seems quite accustomed to letting people annoy her, probably thanks to her brother, and lets her prattle on, and then Cersei thanks her for returning Jaime stealing a glance from him as he stands guard across the feast and Brie picks up on the tension and tries to help by saying "in truth he rescued me Your Grace, more than once" which would be a lovely thing to say to literally any sister other than Cersei who strains to keep a smile and says through her teeth "did he? haven't heard that story before" and glares at Jaime almost as if she's jealous of Brie and she starts the needling "sworn to Renly Baratheon, Catelyn Stark and now my brother" oh my, serving her former captive, shows how far Jaime's come that he's not treating her like shit now, and Cersei points out "must be exciting to flit from one camp to the next, serving whichever lord or lady you fancy" but oh I guess not Brie says "I don't serve your brother Your Grace" I guess they're just friends and she's grown out of her I must be le sworn knight bs after hearing from Jaime first hand how awful that can turn out and Cersei asks "but you love him?" like she's deciding if she needs to merc this big bitch or not and Brie might not be one for all this underhanded palace intrigue double entendre mind games shit but she has the warriors instinct on when she's being threatened or not and just stares at her before awkwardly leaving, SHOULDA SAID "LIKE A BROTHER" lmao and Brie shares a look at Jaime like sorry for bothering trying to help
and then we see ol fuckin Pycelle chatting up a woman like a quarter of his age offering to examine her when Cersei catches him telling him off "she'll do no such thing" and Cersei sends the poor young lady off to see Jaime's doctor and Pycelle suddenly hisses "Qyburn? deplorable man!" ok calm down Hillary, almost dropped the feeble old man act there and he claims he brought shame to the citadel with his "repugnant experiments" and Cersei accuses "more repugnant than your gnarled fingers on that girls thighs?" with a condescending smile and when he tries to play dumb she points out "my little brother sent you to the Black Cells when you annoyed him, what do you think I could do to you if you annoyed me?" and he bricks it and says "I never meant to annoy anyone" and Cersei pretend exasperated sighs "but you are, you're annoying me right now! every breath you draw in my presence annoys me, so here's what I want you to do: I want you to leave my presence, leave this wedding right now, go to the kitchens and instruct them that all the leftovers from the feast will be brought to the kennels" hahahahahhhah FUCK POOR PEOPLE and when Pycelle tries to tell her "Queen Marg-" she cuts him off "THE Queen is telling you... the leftovers will feed the dogs, or you will" and smiles to herself super proud of that idea as she sends Pycelle staggering away, again Cersei is a great character since you can understand why she's so angry and petty and wants to feel power power over others and needs some sort of hedonistic relief and grew up in an enviroment where no one had any problem with abusing others and she's not just mental like certain other evil characters
then we see that poor JUSTed drunkard knight who's now Joffrey's fool juggling for them, nice Neon Demon symbols in his hat btw, and Joffrey looks over at Margaery like he's thinking of a way to impress her and then suddenly jumps up and declares "a gold dragon to whoever knocks my hats fool off!" and the crowd laugh and start pelting him with oranges and the man laughs and runs around for them relieved that this is harmless compared to Joffrey's last funny idea for him and Marg forces a laugh for her new husbands 8 year old sense of humor then we see Tywin catching his daughter smiling and says "you're in rather a good mood, I wont ask why" chuckling to himself as he's having a good time doing something normal for once and Cersei just chuckles wrly "small pleasures" and then uh oh Oberyn approaches and very friendly introduces his wife to Tywin, his arch nemesis, and "Queen Regent Cersei, I suppose it is former Queen Regent now?" and Cersei takes a deep breath to maintain her smile as they all awkwardly try to be polite but Cersei makes his wife's face drop as she says "can't say I've ever met a Sand before" doxxing her immediately and she does the muh culture meme of telling her "we're everywhere in Dorne, I have 10,000 brothers and sisters" and Obryn, probably having researched all the Lannister's secrets, memes at Cersei "bastards are born of passion, aren't they? we dont despise them in Dorne" and Cersei forces her smile to stay as she says "really? how tolerant of you" and Oberyn teases Cersei some more about not being a royal anymore and she just fires back that he'll never know and Tywin can read the air and tells him to give his brother their regards "with any luck the GOUT will abate with time and he will be able to walk again" lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooo and Oberyn teases "they call it the rich mans disease, surprised you don't have it" and Tywin gives him a forced rictus grin and tells him "noble men in our part of the country don't enjoy the same lifestyle as our counterparts in Dorne" basically calling them lazy pampered twats and Oberyn starts up the edge by saying "everywhere has their differences, in some places the high born look down at those of lowbirth, in other places the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful" looking Tywin right in the eyes and Tywin actually looks... pleased, for this guy to reveal himself as an enemy, like he'd love one last good rivalry what with Robb's ending so anti-climactically, and Oberyn sees Tywin isn't one to be intimidated so turns to Cersei and says "what a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent" and Cersei just smirks at him like he'll have to do better than threatening to rape her but he finishes "that your daughter has been sent to live in the latter sort of place" and her eyes falter as she reminds her... oh yeah, her daughter is living in his territory, and Tywin just stares giving him a genuine smile like I fucking dare you to do one fucking thing to my family and see what happens cunt
but they're interrupted by Joffrey making another announcement hollering "everyone, silence! clear the floor! there's been too much... amusement here today! a royal wedding is not an amusement! a royal wedding is history! time has come for all of us to contemplate our history... my lords... my ladies... I give you" as a huge prop lion is rolled up and a man works a crank to lower it's jaw and a red carpet rolls out as if it's the tongue... oh god it's going to be Robb's corpse or some shit again... and Cersei gets a huge smug look as it's... A BUNCH OF CIRCUS DWARFS DRESSED UP AS "KING JOFFREY, RENLY, STANNIS, ROBB STARK, BALON GREYJOY! THE WAR OF THE FIVE KINGS!" Joffrey gleefully announces to the laughing crowd glad again it's something relatively harmless as these little men ride around on pantomime horses with Grejoy's being a squid and Joffrey's being a golden lion pretending to fight each other with toy weapons and oh hahahaha "STANNIS" MOUNT IS THE RED LADY WITH HER HUGE CLEAVAGE HAHAHAAH AND HE GROWLS "OOH IM THE RIGHTFUL KING!" AND "ROBB" DECLARES "I'M KING OF THE NORTH!" FROM THE DIREWOLF'S HEAD OVER HIS ahahahahahaha
and everyone's laughing along as "Stannis" playfully bops Pycelle on the head with his toy mace but when he bops Varys he looks like he needs to enter a meditative trance to cope with the fucking shitshow that is his fucking thankless job and Joffrey looks over with a sadistic grin at the man this is all for... TYRION who just looks at his nephew like he's simply realized his family really do have no respect for him and oh my fucking god "RENLYS" MOUNT IS FUCKING LORAS HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BECAUSE HE WAS GAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 67 JOFFREY FUCKING RULES SO MUCH see this is why I'd be the perfect man for Cersei, this is the kind of shit I'd come up with, I'd introduce blackface to Westeros and the real Loras winces as little "Renly" prances around sticking his arse in the air while strapped to a bent over puppet of himself, the man he fucking loved, but keeps himself calm despite probably being able to kill half the Lannister family before anyone stops him and Cersei gets a huge shit eating grin beaming it over at Marg as her late husband is depicted as a howling queen prancing around being poked in a huge prosthetic rubber bum by his "brothers" mace as he moans "oh my prince my prince!" as "Stannis" yells "away degenerate!" holy christ literally ye olde shitposting
and her son Tommen giggles along innocently probably not getting the references and even Tywin can't help but smirk at his defeated enemies being degraded so and he gives Lady Tyrell a cheeky look but she's not impressed and Loras can't take anymore and leaves in a huff and Sansa stares furiously at her brother being depicted as the way his murdered body was now infamously desecrated and little "King Joffrey" fires a toy arrow at "Stannis" causing spring loaded toy green snakes to pop out of his chest signifying the wildfire which Joffrey probably took credit for aiming rather than Bronn, probably good for his saftey anyway so Bronn doesn't have 10,000 men's family's wanting revenge on him, and everyone claps and cheers at the blow that saved all their hides and lil Stannis runs off crying as lil Robb knocks over lil Greyjoy who starts whining "ooh I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" making fun of their religion, and Tyrion just looks down in defeat as everyone makes a mockery of the proudest moment of his life but he can't be angry at the dwarves, knowing that would be him if he was born into any other family, and tells Podrick "pay them 20 gold when this is done", who solemnly says "yes my lord" knowing how offensive this is to his Little Person™ boss he respects so much, and Tyrion threatens "I'll have to think of anothe way to thank the King" who's sitting there very pleased with himself that he's found a way to bully his ex, his uncle, his new wife and his brother-in-law all at once as even his perfect actress wife cant maintain her smile as chibbi "King Joffrey" and "Robb Stark" pretend to joust each other as he yells his catch phrase "amma Kinga tha Norf!" in a comically thick accent
and Tyrion puts his hand on Sansa to keep her from doing anything stupid as they make a joke of her brothers death and Joffrey breaks down in hysterics as the little dwarf version of him declares his victory, inb4 he has this guy hung for disrespecting his image or something, and Oberyn looks on in disgust as the mean spirited nature of his enemies are applauded by all these spoiled rich pricks and Sansa looks like she's just making a mental note to never forget her hatred as little "King Joffrey" mimics fucking her brother's severed head which makes Joffrey laugh so much he does a spit take spewing wine all over the table much to his mothers amusement and much to his wife's disgust and the five dwarfs break character and line up to take their bow as the crowd and the Lannisters applaud their comedic show but Lady Tyrell just sits there sad realizing the kind of man she's married her granddaughter to and Joffrey stands up saying "well fought! well fought! here, the champions purse!" but before he pays them he looks over at Tyrion just sitting there depressed and gets an evil thought "although... you're not the champion yet are you? a true champion defeats all the challengers... surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign?" and the crowd falls silent in case he's being serious and the five actors get nervous as if he's going to make them fight for real or order a guard to fight them or something fucked up but his angle is "Uncle? how about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume" and Cersei looks like she finna bouta cum
and the crowd laughs nervously as Joffrey just glares at his uncle and Tyrion looks sadly at him like there's really no decency left in him and just smiles and starts needling at his insecurities "one taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace, I'd like to keep what remains of my face... I think you should fight them, this was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle, I speak as a firsthand witness, climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne... be careful though... this one is clearly mad with lust... it would be a tragedy for the King to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night" and the a few members in the crowd laugh not knowing quite whats going on as Tyrion basically just called the King a pussy and made a joke about him getting ass raped in front of everyone lmao and the 5 actors all look at Tyrion sadly like they appreciate him standing up for them and wish they could be like him but Joffrey looks out at the crowd like he's thinking he could just have whoever he wants killed but then he decides... nah... JOFFREY JUST WALKS OVER AND POURS HIS CUP OF WINE OVER TYRIONS HEAD who endures even more humiliation and says tastes it and quips "a fine vintage, shame that it spilled" and Joffrey murmurs "it did not spill" as if he's completely zoning out and about to do something real bad
and even Cersei starts to get nervous and Marg tries to save the situation by calling out "my love, come back to me! it's time for my fathers toast" and all the actors count their fucking blessings he didn't do anything to them to get at Tyrion and run off as fast as they can manage back into the lions mouth but Joffrey ain't done he asks "how can he do a toast without a cup of wine? uncle... you can be my cupbearer, seeing as you're too cowardly to fight" and Tyrion forces out "your grace does me a great honor" and Joffrey says with a smirk "its not meant to be an honor" but no one's laughing anymore and everyone just sits there super awkward other than the fucking cunt Cersei who smirks as Tyrion is forced to come forward for Joffrey to drop his cup on the ground for him to pick up but before he can he kicks it under the table and orders "bring me my goblet" but... Sansa picks it up and hands it to Tyrion so he can at least have some dignity and Joffrey sneers "what good is an empty cup? fill it" and he does so in front of his smirking cunt sister and hands it to her son and Joffrey orders "kneel... kneel before your king..... kneel" but Tyrion just looks at him like he's deciding he's going to really fuck him up and the entire crowd gets super tense as Joffrey screams "I said... KNEEL!!!" and Tyrion grits his teeth like he can't fucking take it anymore and is about to do something dumb when Marg saves the day by yelling "look, the pie!" like she's just a stupid teenage girl and the whole crowd cheers and claps in relief as a huge pie is brought out by the staff and Tyrion keeps maddogging Joffrey who just sneers at him and swaggers away drinking the wine and gets his sword out to cut the pie and when he does he gasps as a bunch of doves startle him by flying out and everyone cheers and claps for Joffrey as Marg says "my love! my hero!" as he swaggers back a bit drunk now and there's some pottery where like the necklace she joked about before... he really did cut one of the doves heads off lmao
and as Marg feeds her new husband some of the pie Sansa asks her new husband if they can leave and they go to sneak away when Joffrey suddenly notices something, ah yes, the urge to bully a manlet, so he calls out "uncle! where are you going? you're my cupbearer remember?" and Cersei starts smirking again as he makes everyone fall silent again as he tells Tyrion he's perfect in his wet clothes and orders him to serve more wine and Tyrion gives in and does it as Lady Tyrell looks at him sympathetically as he earned her respect before and he tries again to excuse them but Joffrey's not having it and tells him "no, you'll wait here" and suddenly... starts coughing and is hit by a sudden pain in his throat o-oh shit and he starts stammering and descends into a coughing fit and Tyrion asks "Your Grace?" and dumbass Joffrey takes another sip of the wine to try to sooth his throat and he splutters out "its nothing"
and Cersei stands up with genuine concern for her son and when he turns to his new wife she sees how fucked up he looks and calls out "he's choking!" and Lady Tyrell calls "help the poor boy! idiots! help your king!" and the crowd starts to gasp as Joffrey falls over heaving and coughing and Jaime rushes up to his nephew, to his son, as he vomits all over the ground and it looks a bit too red to just be the wine and Cersei rushes down next to her brother/lover and son/nephew crying for someone to help him and the juggler fool does some terminator shit where he sneaks up to Sansa and says "come with me now, if you want to live, we have to leave"
and Cersei shoves Jaime away crying "don't touch him" so she can turn her son over and it just makes Joffrey start gurgling in his own vomit and blood and Tywin looks down to see his grandson bleeding from his nose and struggling to breathe so much his face is starting to go purple and Cersei begs "what is it? someone help him!" and Joffrey struggles to raise his hand to point to...
and Cersei looks at him with pure rage and Joffrey lets out one last squeak as jesus the blood vessels in his face start to burst and his eyes go bloodshot as his entire face goes dark purple and he looks... scared... dying in his mothers arms as blood pours out of his nose and eyes and his face starts to go red... and he stops writhing... and Cersei breaks down in tears whimpering "my son" and when she looks up he's gone... JOFFREY HAS BEEN POISONED TO DEATH
and Cersei immediately looks at her brother and declares YOU DID THIS...HE POISONED MY SON... YOUR KING, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!! TAAAAAAAAKE HIIIIIM!!!! and the crowd starts angrily clamouring as she looks down at the pale face of her murdered son and the guards all grab Tyrion, oh shit
ok, I knew Joffrey died in this way since the screencaps were all over the internet but I didn't know it was this like fucking murder mystery situation, I thought it would be obvious who did it, when in this situation we have like, how many suspects? obviously Tyrion's the most easy to accuse since he handed him the drink and was clearly being publicly humiliated by him, then I'd say second most likely is Oberyn because he knew that'd hurt the family the most and maybe even made it look like it was Tyrion to cause even more suffering, then I'd say maybe Marg if she's realizing how she can't stand to be married to him or tied to this evil family anymore but she seems pretty subservient to Lady Tyrell's who'd be my fourth suspect but you'd think she'd wait until Joffrey got Marg pregnant since that seemed to be her goal, then maybe fucking Sansa but I don't think she's cunning enough, although she was the second last person to touch the cup, then maybe Loras on a whim right there but I don't think he'd have time to set it up, and maybe even Tywin could be guilty, he seemed shocked at the time but maybe that was what he meant to Pycelle about giving the King some nightshade, he saw how emotionally unstable Joffrey was and that he'd fuck up being King for his family and to protect his legacy it'd be better if the far more placid seeming Tommen was his puppet grandson rather than a sociopath incel, and I guess as a wildcard beyond any way of measuring his intent is Varys, he was clearly not pleased with Joffrey's antics and it probably would be for the best of the Realm if the King was some easy to manage 9 year old boy than an impulsive cruel 18 year old mentalist, and then there's some meme options like Oberyns wife did it without telling him, CIA did it just to fuck up Varys life some more, Pycelle did it because of Cersei threatening him, it was literally the Red Lady's magic spell, I'd say maybe the other remaining King Greyjoy sent an assassin but he's extremely dumb and useless, so that's like 10 plausible killers lmao, the most epic meme would be if it turned out Joffrey couldn't take being King anymore and committed suicide and just framed his uncle as one last epic prank or something lmao, wait! I got it! it's obvious! the eleventh suspect! it was the fucking drunken knight fool fat guy who took Sansa away! fucking duh it was him, he was giving Sansa that necklace talking about how it's all he had left as if he was planning for his life to be over and he snuck up and took her away somehow already knowing what was happening to Joffrey, there another case closed, anyway as for Joffrey being dead if it wasn't the law of lame storytelling tropes that all stories need to take place within the same 5 year window Joffrey could be a great overall villain as we see him grow older into a complete monster King for life but I guess this is what happens when you're a total cunt and I think he'd be good material for a redemption arc like if his family were dethroned and he had to live on the run as a commoner and couldn't just do whatever evil urge he has due to being a frail little incel and had to address his nature and realize he can control it at least to some extent or something like that since they never did anything more with him literally killing a prostitute for fun but I guess that's edgy shocking deaths for you and he'd really only been used as a McGuffin in the plot anyway never doing much himself and just someone for the other characters to prop up and manage and his niche of "sadistic serial killer in training spoiled brat" has kind of been usurped by Ramsey anyway so the story can still function without him but the actor did a really great job of making Joffrey look just so scared and confused so you almost feel bad for him, this guy who ordered children massacred and just abused and bullied everyone around him, since he was still just some extremely stunted 18 year old dying in his mothers arms, and kind of like how Robb's death was more Cat's scene this was more Cersei's scene, such a good acting and sums up her character well where she's suffered so much all just to get Joffrey on that throne and then he dies like it's nothing from someone poisoning his wine like a coward, and with that her entire life is almost meaningless, who does that make the king now, fucking Tommen? but unlike Cat when she sees her eldest son, who she'd do anything to protect his Kingship, get murdered in front of her, her rage isn't over in a split second and she immediately turns on her own brother, and it was a nice tough that Jaime was there, even though he only got like one scene with his son maybe they can play off that if he's hurt by this at all, but one thing's for sure: Joffrey truly was The Incel King, he died a virgin lmao
Game of Thrones 4x03: "Breaker of Chains" was it rape? special edition
First aired: April 20, 2014
we open but one second later on the same scene with Joffrey's warm corpse still in his mothers arms as she hisses "you did this! YOU DID THIS! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!!!" completely believing her brother just merced her son in front of everyone
and the Jester guy runs off with Sansa as the crowd is distracted and all muttering and murmuring in shock and the guards start to escort Tyrion out but Cersei ever the game player realizes "where's his wife? where's Sansa?" and Tyrion commands to Jaime "find her, bar the gates of the city, seize every ship in the harbour" going full terror threat level red as it's Lannister war time motherfucker and Cersei screeches "WHERE IS SHE?" and Tyrion commands "NO ONE LEAVES THE CAPITAL!" and then we see the bells tolling as Sansa puts on a cloak and rushes through the narrow alleys of King's Landing with the Jester until they get to the shore and he takes her down to a tiny rowing boat he's got hidden to take her "somewhere safe" and she doesn't have a choice as he exfils her out to sea
then later that night shrouded in the mist Sansa sees they're coming up to a sailing ship with it's sails rolled up and he brings her to the side and promises "you'll be fine, you're stronger than you know" as she climbs up a ladder on the side and a man pulls her aboard and IT'S CIA!!! who holds Sansa and assures her "I'm sure you've had quite a fright, rest easy, the worst has past" and the Jester calls up "Lord Baelish, I promised that I'd bring her to you safely" and starts angling for his reward but CIA BASICALLY GOES "UH, YOU DON'T GET TO BRING FRIENDS" :cia:
and Sansa screams in horror but CIA clasps his hand over her mouth and reminds her "a thousand gold cloaks are searching for you" and she says "I didn't murder anyone" but CIA makes her even more scared by saying "but it looks suspicious, the King who executed your father, who tormented you for years, and you fled the scene of his murder" yeah on his order lul and Sansa whimpers "why did you kill him" and CIA just goes "he was a drunk and a fool and I don't trust drunk fools" and when she whines "he saved me" CIA takes all the credit saying "he followed my orders, every one of them, and he did it all for gold" but Sansa doesn't believe it since he seemed like such a nice man but CIA explains "gold buys a man's silence for a time, a bolt in the heart buys it forever" and then he takes the necklace off of Sansa repeating the Jesters sob story... and smashes it, proving "I had it made a few weeks ago, what did I once tell you about the capital?" and Sansa remembers "we're all liars here" lmao absolutely fucking le rused and he promises her "you're safe... with me... sailing home" I wonder what his angle is now that Cat is dead, maybe just marrying Sansa so he becomes King a da Norf or now he just wants to dab on Varys some more by taking away an important asset from him
then we see Marg asking her grandmother "so... am I still the queen?" and Lady Tyrell just sighs "more than you were with Renly, less than you would have been if Joffrey had done you the courtesy of consummating the marriage before dying" something in fiction that always comes up is people treat fucking like it will 100% result in a pregnancy if you nut inside but in reality women are only fertile for a few days a month and even if you time it right it might not happen depending on the mostly random luck of how healthy the sperm are and if the pregnancy happens to take without just noping out in the first few days but she warns her "this would not be an opportune moment to press the issue" and Marg seems genuinely disturbed by what she saw "clawing at his own throat, looking at his own mother to make it stop, it was horrible" and granny agrees in her own edgy way "the world is full of horrible things, all a trey of cakes compared to death" and talks about being made to look at her own husbands dead body at his funeral and Marg talks about how "my last husband preferred the company of men and was stabbed through the heart and the other was happiest torturing animals and was poisoned at our wedding feast, I must be cursed!", I don't recall Joffrey every displaying zoosadism but maybe that was off-screen, but granny tries to cheer her up saying it's for the better she didn't have to be that mans wife and she insists "but I would have been Queen" but Lady Tyrell points out the Lannisters still need their alliance and says "you did wonderful work on Joffrey, next one should be easier" since their family seem like far nicer people than the Lannisters since they don't seem to actually do anything bad to anyone but she still thinks of her own granddaughter like a piece to move around the family chessboard
then we see Cersei and young Tommen standing by Joffrey's corpse with his sword in his hand, dressed in his funeral gown, the his crown still on and the ceremonial painted eye stones over his eyes and Tywin says "your brother is dead... do you know what that means?" and Tommen's too scared of his grandfather to reply but Tywin knows he's an innocent little fellow and doesn't need to be strongarmed to tells him softly "I'm not trying to trick you" and he admits "it means I'l become King" as if he's not looking forward to it, probably a good sign, and Tywin pries "yes, you will become king, what kind of king do you think you'll be?" and Tommen guesses at the right answer "a good king?" and Tywin gives a satisfied murmur and tries to say caringly "I think so as well, you've got the right temperament for it" while literally looking down at Joffrey like it's for the best in the wider picture but he goes on "but what makes a good king hmm? what is a good king's single most important quality?" as he kicks off the grooming procedure and Cersei looks down sad as she realizes she can't protect Tommen from being corrupted by her father and this horrible world now, at least Joffrey was a sort of buffer for that, and she cant help herself but say "this is hardly the place or the time" but Tommen's already catching on it's time to toughen up and offers "holiness" lmao implying god is real, wait he is and his name is Allah in this world, and Tywin forces an approving murmur and nod and allows him away with "Baelor the Blessed was holy... and pious... he built this Sept... he also named a 6 year old boy High Septon because he thought the boy could work miracles, he ended up fasting himself into an early grave because food was of this world and this world was sinful, hmm?" so Tommen tries "justice?" and Tywin gives a more condescending "hmmm? a good king must be just... Orys the First was just, everyone applauded his reforms, nobles and commoners alike, but he wasn't just for long, he was murdered in his sleep after less than a year by his own brother" jesus christ and Tommen looks down like oh, this is my life now, as Tywin asks "was that truly just of him? to abandon his subjects to an evil that he was too gullible to recognise?" and Tommen gets the picture "no" and Tywin immediately reinforces "no" as Cersei stands there staring at her dead son as her father brainwashes her only other son and Tommen thinks he's onto the right answer and proposes "what about strength?" and Tywin instantly says "yesss, strength, King Robert was strong, he won the rebellion and crushed the Targaryen dynasty... and he attended three Small Council meetings in 17 years" lmaooooo lazy fat fuck "he spent his time whoring and hunting and drinking until the last two killed him, so, we have a man who starves himself to death, a man who lets his own brother murder him and a man who thinks that winning and ruling are the same thing... what do they all lack?" and Tommen struggles to think but then it hits him what his grandfather respects "wisdom! wisdom is what makes a good king" and Tyrion hisses "yesss" as she's starting to corrupt the young boy but he pushes "but what is wisdom? hmm?" and its POP QUIZ HOTSHOT time as he asks "a house with great wealth and fertile lands asks you or your protection, against another house with a strong navy that could one day oppose you... how do you know which choice is wise and which isn't? you've... any experiences of treasuries and granaries or shipyards or soldiers?" and Tommen admits "no" as he starts to catch on the position Tywin wants him in really, doing nothing and following him, as he explains "of course not, a wise king knows what he knows and what he doesn't, you're young, a wise young king listens to his counsellors and heeds their advise until he comes of age, and the wisest kings continue to listen to them long afterwards" and he looks down sneering at Joffrey's body and says candidly "your brother was not a wise king, your brother was not a good king, i he had been, perhaps he'd still be alive" as Cersei wells up in tears at how Tywin doesn't really give a shit about his own grandsons and just treats them as accessories and he starts up a new grooming angle "now, as the king, you will have to marry, do you understand why?" "a king needs queen" "yes but do you know why? to further the family line" and takes the poor young boy off under his wing and Cersei looks after him as if this is the last time she'll see him too and Tywin takes him up the stairs asking the innocent boy "do you know how that happens? has anyone explained the details to you? it's all relatively straight froward" lmao, a great way to show Tywin sinking his claws into every part of this boys future, the poor boy not even being able to have The Talk™ uncorrupted by the lens of Tywin's obsession with political power
a discussion he should really have with a loving father, and speaking of which Jaime walks in and asks his newphew-but-really-son "how are you?" and Tommen puts on a brave face knowing it's toxic masculinity time and assures his "uncle" "I'm alright" and Jaime confidently says "you are, you will be, I'll see to that" patting his shoulder sympathetically and as soon as he leaves Tywin puts his hand on his other shoulder as if he's the devil whispering in the other ear and then Jaime does the "leave us" meme to the Kingsguard, their only weakness and Cersei takes a deep breath having to face her brother/lover/father of their dead son as the guards close the doors putting them into darkness and she insists "it was Tyrion, he killed him, he told me he would" and quotes Tyrion's line "a day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth" not realizing that he was just bullshitting to pretend to be shook that she'd captured Ros "that's what he said to me, you saw it, you saw Joff point at him before he-" but Jaime claims "I don't know what I saw" and she insists "avenge him... avenge our son... kill Tyrion" but Jaime has undergone a bit too much character development for that and reminds her "Tyrion is my brother, our brother, there'll be a trial and we'll get to the bottom of what happened" I hope we get to see that to see what their legal system is like since modern trials are boring as fuck since DNA evidence and now adays digital evidence makes it really fucking obvious what happened lmao and the only points of contention is what the sentence should beI hope it's some epic debate Danganrompa shit and Cersei whispers "I don't want a trial... he'll squirm his way to freedom given a chance, I want him dead" knowing what a manipulative little shit Tyrion is and she starts begging, seemingly genuinely believing it was him, "please Jaime, you have to" breaking down in tears "he was our son, our baby boy" and Jaime comforts his sister/mother of their children and holds her tight against his chest... AND THEY START MAKING OUT PASSIONATELY
but Cersei recoils in disgust from her moment of weakness, that she's fallen back into her extremely pathetic coping mechanism of getting the only kind of fucked up affection she can get while also keeping Jaime loyal to her that she hates herself for, and looks back down at Joffrey's corpse to kill the mood, and Jaime gets rustled that Cersei is probably just trying to manipulate him by withholding affection from him and probably always has been and growls "you're a hateful woman... why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?!" and he grabs the back of her neck and holds her face under his and forces a kiss on her oh god JAIME STARTS FORCING HIMSELF ON HIS SISTER!GET YOUR HANDS (well one of them) OFF OF MY WAIFU YOU FUCKING CHAD REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
and she begs him "Jaime, not here, please, please, stop it!" as Jaime starts tearing her dress open but Jaime growls "no!" and takes her down so they're kneeling opposite each other as if they're little children playing around with each other again and she breathlessly whispers "stop it, stop it" as he frantically gets his cock out of his pants and makes out with her and she just goes limp against him as if she's caught between arousal and fear and he jumps on top of her and starts frantically trying to fit inside her and she starts trying to push him off whimpering "stop, its not right" but Jaime grunts like a beast as he gets inside his sisters pussy and starts thrusting into her with abandon getting her hair caught in his mouth as she cries "its not right, don't Jaime, don't" as she clearly tries to shove him off and he just mumbles "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care" as it fucking happens, the scene that caused a fucking internet shitstorm back in 2014 that had the actors being stopped at conventions and asked what were they thinking and the showrunners being too fucking pussy to so much as do a commentary track for this episode on the DVDs lmao,JAIME RAPES HIS SISTER NEXT TO THEIR SON'S CORPSE! FOR THE LEGENDARY TRIPLE EDGY COMBOEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 68 INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 6JAIME LANNISTER +1 CERSEI LANNISTER (INCESTUAL RAPE)
HE'S DONE IT! JAIME HAS ACHIEVED... THE ULTIMATE EDGY SCENE! A FICTIONAL EVENT SO EDGY IT EVEN VIOLATES THE FOURTH WALL AND HURTS PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE!
:edgy:
alright uh first of all in-universe I think what's going on here is Cersei's trying to stop, you know, fucking her fucking brother, and her being next to her dead son wins out over her old bad habits, but Jaime never had that close a relationship with him and seems to be desperate to get back to his bad habits, they almost spell it out with him saying "I don't care I don't care" over and over again, that's what he's telling himself, he wishes he could go back to his old self before his misadventures with Brie because the old callous hedonistic us-against-the-world Jaime would not give a shit at all if Joffrey died, think it was the simplest thing in the world to kill his own brother if he thought he'd turned on their family, not worry about Tommen, not really be emotionally affected by any of this horrible situation, and he's trying to be that guy again, who doesn't give a shit about anything other than his own impulses including fucking his own sister, and it seems pretty fucking obvious that apart of this coping mechanism of trying to be the old him is ignoring his sister clearly doesn't consent but goes ahead anyway, which the old him would do, and in his fucked up head being as selfish as he can be will make him feel better, even though the thing that's causing him suffering in the first place is primarily his sister being upset, now it does work without that extra layer of it being a rape scene, but I think it's pretty damn obvious even if you're a brainlet who doesn't understand how rape happens that narratively the big shock is that it's a rape scene, not just another incest scene which we've all seen before, but this is Jaime relapsing to even worse than he used to be from being exposed to his father again not just fucking his sister but raping her, and this is by far the worst day of Cersei's fucking life to explain her future actions and not just another messed up moment of weakness, which would be a very stagnant lazy thing to retread with these characters, but then we have the meta-level, where the absolute rape culture supporters D&D (Dan Weiss and David Benioff) claimed this wasn't a rape scene and it caused a huge shitstorm drama lmao, and for one, you know what? THE SJWS WERE RIGHT, I mean, not to the extent of being mad that they changed the consensual scene in the books to a rape scene and that shouldn't be done and rape should not be depicted in media without a like trigger warning displayed before hand since the scene being a rape scene is so much more narratively fitting than just another affair between the two and honestly makes Jaime's character a lot more deep and realistic (that he's not only regressing into old habits but to his old evil ways, and this situation, if read as rape, which it should be, is probably the most realistic depiction of rape I thin I've ever seen, where idiots say that this is out of character for Jaime because in the books he hated having to guard the Mad Kings bedroom as he raped his wife and in the show he's clearly distressed by Locke's men attempting to rape Brie and goes out of his way to save her, but that's the point (or would be if this was intentional lmao) very rarely is a rape done by a stranger violently attacking you, the rapes that happen like what Locke's men were trying to do (or what almost happened to Sansa or Theon too) is like 1% of rapes or something where a stranger grabs someone off the street to force themselves on them, and most rapists don't consider themselves rapists because they understand grabbing a stranger to force yourself on them is obviously an evil thing and they wouldn't consider themselves evil, but then they go and force themselves on someone they know while thinking "this isn't rape since rape is some crazy criminal dragging random women off the street, I'm just having sex with my lover like we have done many times before, and she clearly wants it right now, she's just being a tease/playing hard to get/trying to lead me on" or whatever excuse, since the vast majority of rapes are an interpersonal crime, 50% of the time being with your romantic partner, which is why it's so intimately horrible and hard to get support or prosecutions for, because brainlet normies just go "durrrr that doesn't count because you already chose to have sex with them at some point in the past and it wasn't literally a violent fist fight" which is literally the thought process the rapist at least tells themselves at the time, and this is demonstrated perfectly with Jaime considering himself heroic from saving Brie from getting gangraped by enemies but will force himself on his own sister, since he feels she owes him sex and doesn't respect what she's telling him and is in fact clearly angered by her clearly turning him down, and the way Cersei behaves is extreme realism too, fucking morons always say "lol why didn't you fight back or scream? that's what I'd do" when even if it is a Real Rape™ where you're physically attacked by a stranger you're probably just going to freeze up since you instinctively feel if you fight back too much you'll just get more injured and when it's the far more common interpersonal event you're probably in shock a person you trust is doing this to you or denying it to yourself in real-time that this is something bad and not just another case of uncomfortable sex or are trying to placate them so they calm down or listen to you and the horrible reality is that a lot of the time the victim probably cant even bring themselves to actually say "no" for fear of angering their partner/admitting to themselves whats happening/officially making their loved one a rapist/whatever so Cersei clearly verbally refusing is more clear cut than it sometimes is, and it's so realistic on a meta level too since some people still don't fucking get it and it's fittingly mostly the people most intimately involved in it, since I guess if people think of rape as this crazy weird super violent crime like murder that people rarely know anyone it's happened to that's easier to deal with than yeah most of the time it's just your partner doesn't take no for an answer and you just freeze up which turns into ooh... I know someone that happened to... oh, that happened to me.... oh... I did that... and then it's cognitive dissonance time for the normies) but it is clearly a fucking rape scene, the creators claim that's not what was intended, and seem to think it's a very odd reaction that everyone unanimously interpreted it at that, and claim that they wrote and directed it as consensual, and point out Cersei kissing Jaime back briefly when they're kneeling, and the actors and directors all claimed they had no intention at all of it being rape and thought they were filming a sex scene and claimed it was actually just flawed camera work and editing that obscure Cersei's hand on the back of Jaime's head when they kiss briefly which caused some EXTREME FUCKING AUTISM of people trying to prove what they really intended or not with people insisting they re-edit the scene to make it clear that Jaime still has his dignity of just being a sister fucker and not a sister raper
but so what? that could just be her trying to placate him because she's scared he'll hurt her worse or hoping maybe that's all he'll want, and even if for a split second she changes her mind and gives in that doesn't override her afterwards, you know, telling him to stop, which unless they've off-screen agreed to doing spontaneous rape roleplay where she can say things like that but only really mean it with a safeword that we never see used that makes it HER GETTING FUCKING RAPED SINCE SHE'S TELLING HIM TO STOP AND HE DOESN'Tmaybe don't fucking write your character saying "no stop don't don't don't don't" during your """""sex scene"""""" if you don't want it misinterpreted as rape by the audience, just a wee fucking pro-tip for you,but you know what, congratulations, because you accidentally produced probably the "best" rape scene in tv history that effects the characters arcs of Cersei's suffering and Jaime's relapsing and themes of brutal realism absolutely perfectly,and the funny thing is they couldn't have done it if they weren't literally and unironically falling into Rape Culture™, if they intended it to be a rape scene they'd probably have had it being an overblown violent affair with lots of slapping filmed similar to a frantic horror scene with Jaime laughing sadistically and her screaming her lungs out like with Sansa and Theon's attempted rape scenes because they are fucking hack retards and then the cherry on top is acting out this horrifically mundane realistic depiction of rape on a meta level by gawping-gormlessly Jon-style at the real world and actually asking "durrrrrr how's that rape? she wanted it actually" completely seriously in real life, which again you could never pull off on purpose without it obviously being some stunt and could only be demonstrated completely authentically,absolute fucking post-modern meta-kino to be honest with you my famalambut I guess when interpreting the rest of the show I have to go on looking through the lens of this being at least intended to be consensual despite this working perfectly on a subtext level as to how it elaborates on the extent of the characters dysfunctional environment and on a textual level of accurately depicting intimate partner rape more realistically than the vast majority of media but I guess it's worth it not being canon for the amazing meta level it works on of even the people who produced it not understanding it was non-consensual lmaoso in conclusion this is why death of the author is a good thing since rape culture supporters need to die I mean uh for the health of artistic interpretation
anyway then we see The Hound taking a piss as some mist rolls in across some valley they're in and Arya is pissing him off asking where they're going, how far it is, why they don't have a map, ect, but when she asks what he's gonna do after he gets gold for her he sort of guesses "might book passage across the narrow sea, fight as a sellsword, Second Sons could be... a good fit for me" as if he didn't even think about it and has no real plans for the future and is just sort of barely staggering through life but then they're interrupted by a man and his young daughter above them claiming they're on his land and The Hound edgily snarls "I'm standing on it, it's my land" and Arya tries to keep any edgy shit happening by saying "we were just watering the horses, we'll be on our way" but the man looks at the extremely suspicious Hound and Arya starts making up a sob story about how his father was wounded in the war and they lost their mother in a cottage fire dramatically saying "he's never been the same" and the man looks at her sympathetically like he's heard all about the war and looks at The Hound who just looks about awkward assuming he doesn't have to play up how fucked he looks and the man asks "what house did he fight for?" and Arya thinks fast and says "the Tully's of Riverrun" hoping they're in the right area for him to support them and he's not someone who'd just side with the victors and she's right as the man smiles and offers them a stay in their home saying "any man who bled for house Tully is welcome to it" and The Hound looks awkwardly at Arya as if he's not used to talking his way out of situations so hopes she can and then later that night in the farmers home the man is saying grace to his 7 gods as Arya and the daughter clasp their hands and when the man gets to the part about praying to the virgin to keep his daughter from depravity lmao The Hound grumbles "you gonna do all seven of the fuckers?" lmaooo reminds me of being at my second cousins house in America when I was 11 and when they started to say grace I just innocently asked "what's saying grace?" and they all looked at me like I had just started screaming the N word or something, although they'd probably have liked that since there was also a moment where I saw some Kanji script on some painting and told the mother of the house "that's a nice Japanese painting you have there" and I swear to fucking god she replied "it's Chinese, we would never have anything Japanese in our house after Pearl Harbor" lmaooooo fuck Americans, fuck white people and fuck religion anyway Arya gasps "father!" as the uncomfortable man goes on praying and The Hound suddenly prays "and we ask The Stranger not to kill us in our beds tonight for no damn reason at all" and grabs the pot of stew, fills his bowl entirely up and digs in oh my fucking god the edge and Arya awkwardly says "I'm so sorry" hoping her "fathers" ye olde PTSD is explanation enough and The Hound slurps super loudly spilling soup everywhere like he's literally a dog as the man glares at him and he asks "did you fight at the Twins?" and The Hound edgily grumbles "call that a fight? slaughtering livestock more like" and it seems like this man is big into the Got fandom and says "The Red Wedding, they're calling it, Walder Frey committed sacrilege that day, he shared bread and salt with the Starks, he offered them guest right" and The Hound mutters "guest right don't mean much anymore" and the man holds his pot of stew as if as an example and says "it means something to me" and claims "Frey will burn in the seventh hell for this" which reminds me of Dante's Inferno which is basically bible fanfiction but accepted as canon for some reason where he describes the inner-most ring of hell to be reserved for traitors and he reminisces about how safe it was when the Tully's were in charge and now the Frey's don't protect them from raiders and he can't even send his daughter North as the whole country's gone sour and The Hound just stares off vacantly like yeah life's shit duh and asks "you got any ale?" and the man knows better and says "fraid not?" and the man starts inquiring about his sword skills and floats the idea of employing him as a farm hand but really to ward off raiders and since he has no other plans really he asks "what'll ya pay?" and the man admits he's hid a bit of silver from the bandits so The Hound agrees "fair wages for fair work" to Aryas surprise, uh oh, this aint gonna end well, inb4 he is actually a pedo or something and touches the girl
then yep, Arya wakes up in the barn to the sound of men yelling and the little girl screaming and she leaves to find little Sally tending to her father as The Hound marches off and the farmer rubs his bloodied head and she angrily screams "what did you do?! you told me you weren't a thief! he took us in! he fed us!" but THE HOUND IS WALKING OFF WITH THE MANS SILVER handwaving "they'll both be dead come winter, he's weak, he can't protect himself, dead men don't need silver" fucking prick, but you can understand his world view of it's just the facts of the matter that weak people die he's seen it happen over and over and over again around him, by his own hand and especially by his brothers and an appalled Arya screams "YOU'RE THE WORST SHIT IN THE SEVEN KINGDOMS!" and The Hound tells her "there's plenty worse than me, I just understand the way things are, how many Starks they gotta behead before you figure it out?" oooooh but Arya can tell he's right and can't even get mad anymore, well I guess this is a good way to show The Hound is nowhere ready to re-integrate with society yet but it'd be nice if Arya pays this poor man back after she gets to her aunts
then at Black Castle or whatever it's called a ranger is listing out "raper, raper, horse thief, ninth-born son, raper, thief, thief and raper" as they take note of why each new recruit is there and Janos, the bald dickhead CO, asks Sam "going to visit your wildling whore?" which Sam denies and he just threatens "maybe I'll give her a copper tonight and find out" and then inside the feast hall Sam is frustratingly telling Gilly that no one believes he iced, literally, the White Walker and they won't believe her since she's a wildling, but rather stunted in development Gilly doesn't mind being called that and thinks it's cool, probably to rebel against her father who refused to be called one, and Sam smiles awkwardly at how fucked up her life is but at least she's still got a cheery disposition, and he admits he's worried about the men here who haven't seen women in years around her but she doesn't seem to care as if he's just used to being sexually assaulted by her scumbag father and when Sam warns "there's a hundred men laying awake at night picturing you" she asks "what about you?" and Sam sperges out and is like "what about me? Gilly?" and stares at her awkwardly and she just says "thank you for worrying about me" and smiles dopey to herself but he reiterates some of the men here are rapers and fucking dumbass useless obese incel Sam does what genius master planner Tyrion couldn't manage for 2 years and suggests she'd be safer somewhere else, in the nearest town, which makes her insecure but he assures her it's for her protection but she gets upset and runs off thinking this rich smart civilized man's already bored with inbred rural her and Sam tickles the baby as if to try to reassure him it'll be ok
then with Stannis we see him standing in his must be freezing open plan office in the rain at night getting Davos to read a letter, and he's gotten good enough that he doesn't need to speak aloud anymore but is still mouthing the words and he's shocked to read "Joffrey?" but Stannis corrects "the USURPER, Joffrey Baratheon, I said those words when I tossed a leach into the fire, a leach filled with BASTARD blood, a bastard YOU set free!" which would be an interesting development if this was all bullshit he'd fallen for it and wasn't like literally probably accurate that Gentry's blood let's him kill whoever he wants lmao and a scared Davos assures his off-the-rails friend he's trying to get him an army and so far he has "house Peasebury, Musgood, Haigh" but Stannis just snaps the chess pieces that would have represented them and tosses them away saying "they don't have enough men between them to raid a pantry" and Davos suggests hiring Golden Company from Essos, who I assume Dany will effortlessly take control of by accident in a few minutes but Stannis is appalled at hiring sellswords, and Davos is like well you use black magic ya dickhead and insists that her magic is real and maybe her visions are too but he's never heard of prophecies winning a war: soldiers win wars, but Stannis just hand waves it with "we don't have gold" and then angrily growls about how he won't become a page in someone else's history books and threatens him that if "if my time is running out, your time is running out" uh oh
then Davos visits the lizard princess who tells him he needs to study more because "you won't be a very good Hand if you see the word "knight" and say "ku-niget"" lmaooooo and Davos excuses "that happened once, weeks ago, you're your fathers daughter make no mistake, bloody relentless the both of you" lmaooooo and she condescendingly gives him a new book and tells him children move their lips when they read and he sighs knowing she's right and he's not going to get angry at a 10 year old having been a parent himself and reads "The Life and Adventures of Elyo Grivas: Fist Sword of Bravos" and says "thank you very much" when she gives him a clap and they have a conversation about how he used to be a smuggler and almost got beheaded by the culture in the book which is apparently where (((The Iron Bank))) is and rants about how they can't tell the difference between a pirate and a smuggler but then gets a Brain Blast™ like from House M.D. mid-sentence and starts pacing around thinking and then goes up and just kisses the princess and gets her to write a letter... to (((The Iron Bank))) claiming to be from Stannis, and the girl gets a bit worried, but he insists, oh boy, don't try to jew a jew
then in the nearest town Sam is taking Gilly and lil baby Sam there but when they get to an Inn it's like ye olde Hooters (an extremely cringy and pathetic establishment IRL) where the barmaids have their tits hanging out and a creeper of indeterminate gender starts creeping on the baby and I thiiiink a woman clocks that she's "a fucking wildling?" and we see Sam trying to get her a job for room and food, but only cleaning, and he insists NO other work, despite being offered a cut, he should take the deal she's clearly used to getting fucked lmao, and she looks around sad when he takes her to her shitty, literally, little room but he insists it's for her safety as he can't just stab his own brothers in arms in the back but she accuses him of being selfish and he just awkwardly waddles out leaving her crying
then we cut to a close up of someones arse and it pans up their back to show they're eating out Oberyn's wife who's making out with some female whore as her husband makes out with the new pimp beside her and she takes his head and starts kissing him too and it's filmed in such a way that you don't even know the gender of the person eating her out really and Oberyn teases "so greedy!" and when his wife senses the pimps apprehension he apologizes "I'm sorry, you're lovely, I just never acquired the taste" and Oberyn pretends to take offence but his wife explains "more for you" and as a possibly bisexual or lesbian orgy takes place behind them centred around his wife the pimp asks him "you like both boys and girls? everyone has a preference" which is odd you'd think a gay prostitute and now pimp would know there's bi people but I guess being gay is so on the downlow here people just assume if you're a married man going for a bit of gay play on the side you must be entirely closeted which people still assume to this day that if a man fucks around with men he must not be attracted to women at all and his entire public love life is a total sham or the other way around for either sexes since people are fucking morons and Oberyn poetically says "then everyone is missing half the world's pleasure" and claims the gods made women to delight him, slaps the guys ass, and says this too, so "when it comes to war I fight for Dorn but when it comes to love I don't choose sides" and the pimp jokes "I hope I have your stamina when I'm your age" and Oberyn takes offence again saying "what are you? 25?" and tells him that before he grows old and ugly he needs to make sure he has fucked his full and his wife crawls over him to rant about how he's a prince of Dorn so he'll never run out and he promises "they'll all have to line up behind you"
and then TYWIN MARCHES INTO THE ROOM WITH HIS PERSONAL SOLDIERS and does the "leave us" meme to all his lovers, and I guess it was another woman she was with lmao, and Oberyn offers him a seat and Tywin just cringes and says "no thank you" seeing what was just done on that bed and Oberyn gives his condolences and claims "I don't believe that a child is responsible for the sins of his father... or his grandfather" and asks if he's being interrogated (AM I BEING DETAINED?!?) and Tywin tests him "some believe the King choked" and Oberyn cuts him off speaking fast "and some believe the sky is blue because we live inside the eye of a blue-eyed giant" saying the same meme Robb mentioned before to Bran, so I guess this really is ye olde flatearth conspiracy theory lmao but he assures "the King was poisoned" and Tywin says "I heard you studied poison at the Citadel" and Oberyn makes no attempt to hide "yes, that's why I know" but Tywin isn't one to get played by someone simply acting as if they're being honest and states "your hatred for my family is... rather well-known" and points out how "rather suspicious" as Oberyn puts it his presence is and he inquires "why haven't you thrown me in a dungeon" but Tywin's probably got enough experience seeing people tortured to know if you really want to get to the truth of the matter you have to be smart rather than just beat out whatever the subject thinks you want to hear and questions him about his meeting with Tyrion and Oberyn realizes "you think we conspired together?" and Oberyn marches up to him and says they discussed "the death of my sister" and Tywin tries not to roll his eyes as he asked "and you blame me?" as if he must have a million motherfuckers like him out there whining about him as if he personally killed their family or whatever and from his point of view where people are just numbers to him they could have gotten killed by any other warring Lord especially living the dangerous Game of Thrones high life and Oberyn uncharacteristically methodically says "she was raped and murdered by The Mountain.... The Mountain follows your orders... of course I blame you"
and Tywin smiles and dares "well here I am unarmed and unguarded, should I be concerned?" and Oberyn points out only because he knows he's "a man of reason, if I cut your throat today I'll be drawn and quartered tomorrow" and Tywin cant hides a cheeky look and says "men at war commit all kinds of crimes without their superiors' knowledge" and Oberyn asks "so you deny any involvement in Elia's murder?" and Tywin stares at him with a little smile like just fucking daring him as he pretentiously says "categorically" and Oberyn musters all his will power to play the long game as Tywin just stands there smiling 100% ready to die then and there if that's the winning move in their game of wits that'll let his legacy reign over his but Oberyn backs up and grumbles "I would like to speak to The Mountain" and Tywin quips "I'm sure he would enjoy speaking with you" and when Oberyn talks shit Tywin senses a fun way to resolve this by suggesting "I could arrange for this meeting" but Oberyn already knows "and you want something in return" and Tywin invites him to be the third judge, along with himself and Pycelle, at Tyrion's trial and Oberyn can sense a trap so asks "why?" and Tywin explains that not so along ago the Tyrells were loyal to Renly but are now their strongest allies and is at least making it out to seem like he wants the same for the Martells and invites him to sit on the Small Council too and Oberyn's mind races as he knows it's a trick but can't see the angle and Tywin explains a Wildling army is approaching and there's that Targaryen girl with three dragons so they can do with Dorne's help much to Oberyns amazement and Tywin most likely pretends to confess "we need each other" and promises that if he serves justice to the King's assassins he'll serve justice to Elia's and puts out his hand to shake and Oberyn stares at him like what the fuck, I believe Tyrion's going for the keep your friends close but enemies closer angle here since if it is him that merced his grandson getting to know him will help him uncover it and if he's not well he can be of help... until he's not useful anymore, anyway Oberyn's a good addiction to the cast but I can't help but notice he's kind of the le lecherous smug bi wildcard stereotype where they don't let bi characters just be normal they always have to fuck 9999 people and be extremely cocky about it too as if it's some edgy fashion choice and not just another part of their life that's always been apart of them
then we see Tyrion stuck in a cell that's at least above grounds and not in the underground cave they put Ned in when Podrick comes to visit having tried to smuggle in beer but they took that off him but he did manage to bring him candles, paper and quills, duck sausage, almonds and some hard cheese he hid in his underwear lmao and tells him there's no word from Shae and that his trial will be in a fortnite and tells him he doesn't believe he did it... but still has to ask, and Tyrion denies it reasoning that "I'd like to think that if I were arranging a royal assassination I would arrange it so that I wasn't standing there gawking like a fool when the King died" lmao fair point, and can't really say "that's what he wants you to think" since someone as smart as Tyrion knows first dodgy looking cunt is getting snatched by his ruthless family one way or another and Pod sits down to tell him the bad news that the judges are his father, Pycelle who'll vote however he tells him and then... Oberyn, and Tyrion quips about how his father "never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy" knowing he's up to some scheme to manipulate him and Pod says he's been told to get a list of witnesses from Tyrion much to his surprise they're being that fair to him so his first request is Sansa, but Pod tells him she's missing much to Tyrion's fear that his family got to her so she couldn't defend him and that's the only reason they're letting him have witnesses, and Pod asks "you don't think she..." but Tyrion says she's no assassin and is sure it was set up like this to frame him and his wife's disappearance just makes him seem that much more guilty, hmmmm whatcha up to CIA hmmm, and Tyrion starts wandering around starting the Big Think shit as he works all this out and he warns Pod whoever is behind this will be following him and it might even be his own father, ruling out Cersei since the one thing she wouldn't do is murder her own children so for once he's sure she's innocent "which makes it unique as far as King's Landing murders go" lmao, and he suggests Varys could be his witness but Pod says he's already Cersei's witness, a smart move taking away Tyrion's best ally even if she'll just waste his time on the stand, and Tyrion goes "of course, fetch Bronn, I have a job for him" probably getting him to intimidate Varys or something but Pod says they've banned him from visiting since he's under investigation himself as his accomplice so his fourth idea for someone to see is at least his brother, lis at Jaime being his last option, and as Pod goes to leave he confesses that a strange man offered to knight him if he testified against Tyrion... but he turned it down absolutely fucking based pod getting something else perfect on his first try but Tyrion, ever the hero, ORDERS his squire not to be his witness and get the fuck out of King's Landing and insists this is their farewell, so Podrick holds back his tears and and says "farewell my lord", and Tyrion gives him one last praise "there has never lived a more loyal squire" as the absolute madlad Pod gives him one last nod
then in a very suspicously happy little village where they've gotten the grass to grow over the roofs of their houses a man is happily joking around with his son, yep some fucked up shit is gonna happen, when yep, HE TAKES AN ARROW THROUGH THE HEAD FIRED BY...
I guess she really was fucking mad Jon wasn't ride or die for the wildlings despite her big talk about not taking sides and the boy drops to his fathers dead body in tears but his mother runs up and screams for him to hide and as soon as he runs off as THE BALD CANNIBALS BURST THROUGH THE CLOTHES LINE AND ONE SLAMS HIS AXE INTO HER EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 70 AND WE SEE ANOTHER MAN STABBED IN THE BACK EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 71
AS A FLOOD OF BALD CANNIBALS AND GINGER NUT AND HIS WILDLINGS POUR INTO THE IDYLLIC VILLAGE AND THEY START GRABBING WOMEN TO RAPE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 72
AS THE LITTLE BOY RUNS FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE AND ONE OF THE FARMERS TRIES TO DEFEND HIMSELF WITH A HOE BUT GINGER NUT EFFORTLESSLY HACKS THROUGH HIM EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 73
AND YIGRITTE PUTS AN ARROW IN A FARMER THAT WAS TRYING TO HIT GINGER NUT WITH HIS WALKING STICK AND GINGER NUT SLITS HIS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 74
AND I CANT KEEP UP WITH THE EDGE OF KILLING ALL THESE CIVILIANS AS GINGER NUT AND YIGRITTE GO ON A RAMPAGE SO I'LL JUST GIVE THEM A WHOLE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 75 AND THE BOY HIDES UNDER A CHICKEN COOK AND STARES IN HORROR AS YIGRITTE PULLS HER BLADE OUT OF HIS NEIGHBOUR
BUT HE'S SUDDENLY PULLED OUT BY ONE OF THE BIG BALD FUCKERS AND TAKEN TO THEIR LEADER WHO SNIFFS HIM AND ASKS "YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO CASTLE BLACK?" AND THE BOY CRUNCHES HIS FACE TIGHT AND WHIMPERS "Y-YES" SO THE CANNIBAL PICKS HIM UP AND TAKES HIM BACK TO WHERE HE RAN FROM WHERE HIS MEN ARE BEHEADING HIS PARENTS
AND PUTS HIS KNIFE TO HIS THROAT AND MURMURS INTO HIS EAR "WERE THOSE YOUR PARENTS? OPEN YOUR EYES! I'M GOING TO EAT THEM, DO YOU HEAR ME? I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR DEAD MAMA... AND I'M GONNA EAT YOUR DEAD PAPA... GO TELL THE CROWS AT CASTLE BLACK" OOOOH THE EEEEEEEDGE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 76
letting the boy run off towards The Wall alright I think that was the edgiest sequence so far since most of the violence has been between soldiers or at least people who got themselves into trouble in some unfair not just completely random civilians and instantly makes Yigritte and Ginger nut extremely unsympathetic, hopefully Jon does like Sam and ditches the thots for his MGTOW lifestyle and mercs her, also there was some dank ass music that was playing during that that was like some horror war drum shit
then at the Black Castle or Castle Black or whatever MGTOW central is some guy is ranting "we need to teach them a lesson about the way we deal with their kind, three dozen bodies with slit throats tossed offa top of the Wall semes like that would be a good lesson" and the bald commander guy looks shook as hell like he's not ready for combat and the asshole CO does the Justin Trudeau meme of "if you kill your enemies, they win" by saying "if we go after them we'll be giving them what they want, they want to draw us out and prick us off a few at a time" and the blind Targ man warns "we have just over 100 men and that's including stewards and builders... and me" and Pyp whines they need to protect them so the CO asks Lord Jon Snow condescendingly saying he's the hero of the common people but everyone in the hall actually does turn to listen to him as they've heard of his bravery and respect him more than their official leaders and Jon just growls "Mance Rayder is coming.......... if the Wildlings breach The Wall, they'll roll over everything and everyone for 1000 miles before they reach an army that can stop them" and everyone bricks it and the CO agrees "we need to sure up Castle Black and we need to defend The Wall, that is our job" but then they all hear a horn blow.... and sit there terrified of a second or gods forbid a third, but it's just the one, for rangers returning, and some survivors from the quest come through the gate with one of them joking to Jon "thought you'd have blue eyes by now" and they explain that they were held in chains by the mutineers at Craster's keep who refuse to leave since they have his food... and girls and one of them remarks "poor girls, never thought they'd miss their daddy?"that's a lotta rape but I'm only counting like named characters we know have doing rapes and another explains Karl's running things since he killed Craster, wow nice wacky fantasy name there GRRM and Jon declares "we need to ride North and kill them all" but the CO refuses and Jon says "I told the Wildlings we had over 1000 men at Castle Black alone" I forget did he actually let me check, oh ok he did, and they actually thought he was UNDERestimating, smart move I guess so they don't just immediately zerg rush them, and Jon points out "Karl and the other know the truth as well as we do" oh fuck if they spill the tea to Mance it's over "even if each of us kills 100 Wildlings thee's nothing we can do" and Pyp nervously swallows and says "I don't think I can kill 100 Wildlings" huh I guess Tywin should maybe, you know, send some fucking reinforcements if he knows about this situation, but then again, maybe he'd love to see them fuck up the North so that the Greyjoys and Bolton's are weakened and begging him to save them
then with Dany, uh oh, time for the big stupid Dany cliffhanger, as we see her army marh upon a big city with this time more Aztec looking pyramids with a massive with that has a tiny little thing on top that must be their huge harpy statue
and the guards of the city look down from the walls at her 8K Unsullied falling into their ranks in front of their big walls as Dany rides up to some big ass sexy statues and the free people of the city gather to look down at her and when the front gates open Dany dopey asks "are they attacking?" uh I think you'd know if they were attacking from being shot in the fucking head by an arrow since you're standing in the open under their walls you Mary Sue but Jorah notes "a single rider, the champion of Meereen, they want you to send your own rider against him" yeah just tell him to fuck off lmao but then this guy gets off his horse as his city folk yell down in Valyrian but I swear it sounds like Gungan I heard a "meesa meesa!" in there as this guy starts doing... the CIA pose... and Dany asks "what's he doing?" and Barry says "I believe he means to..." and we see THE CHAMPION TAKES OUT HIS PENIS AND STARTS PISSINGEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 77 this show is so fucking dumb sometimes lmao
and Dany sighs at how gross dumb boys are and the city all laugh hysterically and Missy translates the speech that was poorly depicted as coming from the champion "he says that we are an army of men... without man parts, he claims you are no woman at all but a man who...... hides his cock in his own arsehole" hahahahahahahaahahahah and Barry tells her to ignore him but Jorah is concerned half the city she intends to take is listening and the champion keeps ranting at her and Dany decides "I have something to say to the people of Meereen, but first I need this one to be quiet" uh oooooooooooooooh, would have been funny if she just had him shot down with arrows since she obviously doesn't negotiate with slavers but that would make too much sense for a Dany storyline oh no no no so as the man keeps screaming obscenities at her in the distance Grey Worm volunteers as her champion but Dany can't risk her leader of the Unsullied, and Barry claims "I've won more single combat than any man alive" "which is why he must remain by my side" Dany decides and Jorah volunteers, ever the orbiter, but Dany says he's her dearest friend... which leaves Daario (unless Missy wants to volunteer... wait... Dany'll just send her dragons wont she? lmao) who extremely uncharacteristically because the new actor is really really boring volunteers which Dany accepts as she sees even the slaves have arrived at the wall and I guess she wants them to see she understands their culture (that's treated them like property) and then the champions squire hands him a jousting javelin thing and runs off as fast as he can as his master gets ready to charge and Dany is like "uh horses are faster than men" but Daario standing there on his own two feet boasts "horses are dumber than men" yeah not you mate
as he just stands there as this mounted warrior charges at him full speed and Daario just looks gormlessly at Dany, holy fuck this new actor is shit, I wish the old actor was here, and everyone bricks it as if Daario is committing suicide or something but he just casually takes out a knife, kisses it and DAARIO THROWS THE KNIFE STRAIGHT INTO THE HORSES EYESOCKET
AND DRAMATICALLY TWIRL HIS SICKLE AS THE CAMERA DRAMATICALLY ZOOMS IN ON HIM SMILING TO AN IMPRESSED DANYyeah exactly the kind of retarded, over the top, extremely unlikely anime bullshit I expect from Dany's storyline
and the whole city gasps in shock and the guards all fire their bows planting arrows in front of Daario as warning shots and DAARIO JUST TAKES OUT HIS PENIS AND STARTS PISSING ON THE GROUND EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 78 WHAT A FUCKING MEME MACHINE
and the crowd are all stunned and Dany steps up to introduce herself and give her speech (where her fucking lips and eyebrows are going fucking apeshit like they are trying to escape from her face holy shit, maybe they're hoping you don't notice since you're reading subtitles due to her speaking a fake language lmao)"your masters may have told you lies about me or they may have told you nothing, it does not matter, I have nothing to say to them, I speak only to you... first I went to Astapor, those who were slaves in Astapor now stand behind me... free... next I went to Yunkai, those who were slaves in Yunkai now stand behind me... free... now I have come to Meereen... I am not your enemy, your enemy is beside you, your enemy steals and murders your children, your enemy has nothing for you but chains and suffering and commands, I did not bring you commands, I bring you a choice and I bring your enemies what they deserve... forward!"
and orders her men to push forward huge catapults and she orders "FIRE!" as some dank ass war drums start up and they launch a bunch of barrels up that break off the walls and rain down... all her freed slaves collars and chains, right, epic, now what if the catapults undershot and hit the slaves lmao? also a better idea would be to do this cag but with swords for the slaves to pick up lmao but the final shot is just a slaveman looking down at an opened collar and then he looks back at his master who looks at him nervously hmmm ebin, very ebin, except you know, if the slaves had the numbers to rebel they probably would have sine they are usually kept in a minority to purposefully avoid this sort of situation but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
Game of Thrones 4x04: "Oathkeeper" fookin legend special edition
First aired: April 27, 2014
ok I'm falling behind already so I'm going to need to speedrun a few scenes *cracks neck* here we go we open on Missy teaching Grey Worm how to speak Engli-sorry, the Common Tongue and he carries out a conversation with her about when she was first abducted into slavery when they burnt down her village and they look deep into each others eyes with compassion both being through the same thing but Grey Worm insists he doesn't want to go home because his mission is now "kill the masters" wokeness levels rising and he tells Dany in broken Eng- Common "she is teacher good my Queen" but It's Time as she sends... a bunch of Unsullied disguised as slaves? to break open the gates to their sewers and sneak inside and I thought they had brought a lighter in or something but no it's just Grey Worm using flint rocks to light everyone's torches as they fill up their tunnel systems and then in a big underground room the slaves are discussing if they can trust Dany or not and if they can really beat their masters and when the older slaves say they've seen failed rebellions before that just end with them dead Grey Worm appears and does the "all men must die" meme but tells them "a single day of freedom is worth a thousand days in chains" hell yeah brother and then he tells them he's Unsullied but now follows Dany "The Breaker of Chains" but the older slaves say of course he can fight back but his men are not soldiers and Grey Worm and his brothers just toss down bags full of blades for them awwww shit nibba and tells them "there are three slaves for every master in this city" ok I'm sure this will end well and not end in innocent people dying
and then at dusk a master is walking with guards when he finds KILL THE MASTERS painted in some... red... substance on a wall and when he looks up he sees... a flag flying on the top of the great pyramid? and then they see a bunch of slaves jobbing towards them and brick it but everywhere they turn it's another angry crowd of slaves coming at them and THEY STAB THE MASTER TO DEATH
and then we cut to Dany walking through a crowd throwing their chains down to her as freed children surround her and they all call out "mother" in their language for her as she gets a big happy grin and as she looks down at the captive rich cunts, who I'm sure all personally owned and abused slaves, as she asks Jorah "how many children did the Great Masters nail to mileposts?" and he reminds her "163" so she just looks at Grey Worm, who nods at one of his men, who starts marching the masters away and Barry tells her "this is your city now, all these people, they're your subjects now... sometimes it is better to answer injustice with mercy" but Dany ever the edgequeen says "I will answer injustice with JUSTICE" brilliant diplomacy skills as always and then we cut to THE MASTERS BEING CRUCIFIED TO SIGN POSTS FOR DANY'S OWN "WALK OF PUNISHMENT"
and we get a scary shot panning away from Dany of her overlooking her new city while we see the flag that was flown over the Great Pyramid's statue was... the Targaryen dragon sigil, guess she takes after her father very well, so.... her SIXTH civlization she's commandeered this time by..... giving a speech........ absolutely.... frokin..... ebin....
then we cut to Jaime sparing with Bronn again with him having improved greatly and now able to spin his sword around in his left hand and defend against any attacks to his right but as soon as Jaime gets cocky and thinks he's got Bronn beat in strength BRONN SIMPLY TAKES JAIME'S GOLDEN HAND OFF AND SLAPS HIM WITH IT LMAOOOOO and Jaime cant believe it but Bronn just explains what happened and tosses it back to him and as Jaime straps it back on he chides "you're a rare talent... when you're fighting cripples anyway" so Bronn talks shit about how he's sure he didn't fight fair when he stabbed the Mad King in the back and Jaime just asks "you talk to my brother this way?" and Bronn says "all the time, he got used to it" and then they talk about the allegations against Tyrion with Bronn assuring him that he's not a murderer and suggests he goes to see him but Jaime goes to leave in a huff so Bronn tells him that when they first met Tyrion actually suggested that Jaime fight for him in trial by combat because he knew he'd do anything to defend him, so why doesn't he prove it now, and it works in guilting him into it
and we see him visiting Tyrion's cell trying to cheer him up by saying his captivity was way worse and he asks how their sister is and Jaime, since this is taking place in a parallel universe of shit writing where he didn't just fucking rape her, says "how do you think she feels? her son just died in her arms" and Tyrion asks "her son?" but Jaime wants that can of worms staying closed and just begs "don't" and moves the topic onto his trial and Tyrion laments how everyone thinks he's guilty, one of his judges has wished him dead more times than he can count... and that judge is his father lmao and also worries that Cersei is just going to have him killed before his trial and Jaime admits she asked (thankfully he turned the tables and RAPED her oh wait no they just had consenting sex sorry muh authorial intent) and Tyrion memes "so should I turn around and close my eyes?" and Jaime just asks "depends? did you do it" seemingly very serious as maybe he cared for Joffrey after all and Tyrion taunts "Kingslayers, the two of us, I like it... you really asking me if I killed your son?" and Jaime just fires back "you really asking if I'd kill my bother?" probably actually asking that since he seemed to not care much about Tyrion before his misadventures but now realizes how lucky he is to have this one good guy in his family and when Tyrion doesn't reply as he knows Jaime wouldn't Jaime is glad to see that and offers to help only for his brother to suggest "well you could set me free?" but Jaime actually moralfags that he can't kill the guards as he's commander of the Kingsguard and Tyrion makes a good meme "sorry I'd hate for you to do something INAPPROPRIATE" lmaoooo but Jaime refuses to commit treason, probably bias towards Cersei again after having very well written consensual sex, and Tyrion laments how the real killer could turn himself in and prove his guilt and Cersei would still insist his head on a pike and Jaime warns Sansa's too and Tyrion catches his implication and insists she couldn't be the killer but Jaime argues her clear motivations and suspicious escape
then speaking of which we see Sansa on CIA's boat looking anxiously out the window and he comes down to explain she's marrying his aunt and she'll be safe with her and she looks super relieved she's not kidnapping her off to his dungeon or some shit but then she has to ask if he killed Joffrey and CIA gets a cheeky grin and insists "me? I've been in the Vail for weeks" and Sansa accuses him and he's like "and who helped me with this conspiracy?" and Sansa suggests the Jester... but then deduces he's too smart to trust a drunk, much to CIA's enjoyment that she's catching on how the Game of Throes™ is played and suggests "perhaps it was your husband?" but Sansa insists he's innocent and CIA reveals "you're right, he wasn't involved in Joffrey's death... but you were" wh-what? and he explains "do you remember that lovely necklace Dontos gave you? I don't suppose you noticed that a stone was missing after the feast?" oh shit! and Sansa realizes "the poison? I don't... understand... the Lannisters gave you wealth, power, Joffrey made you the Lord of Harrenhall!" and CIA quips "a man with no motive is a man no one suspects! always keeps your foes confused, if they don't know who you are or what you want, they cant know what you plan to do next" wait, this is too easy, and yeah, Sansa calls his bluff "I don't believe you, if they catch you they'll put your head on a spike just like my father's, you'd risk that just to confuse them?" thinking he is basically doing this
although I don't think that's what he was saying, they're already confused from not knowing his true intentions and it's just his motive is not known to them like everyone else under suspicions are, but it's still BS, like why would he care enough about her to reveal this, especially so soon if he's grooming her to be his accomplice in schemes or something when she's so naive, but I think she's on the right track as CIA says "so many men, they risk so little, they spend their lives avoiding danger... and then they die, I'd risk everything to get what I want" and creepily puts his hand on her shoulder and smiles Sansa asks "and what do you want" and he gets a twinkly in his angry incel eye as he says "EVERYTHING... my friendship with the Lannisters was productive, but Joffrey... a vicious boy with a crown on his head is not a reliably ally and who could trust a friend like that?" and Sansa fires back "who'd want friends like you?" and CIA studies her face for a bit and launches into his next spiel of bullshit "I don't want friends like me, my new friends are predictable, very reasonable people, as for what happened to Joffrey uh that was something my new friends wanted very badly, nothing like a thoughtful gift to make a new friendship grow strong"
and then we transfer with CIA still speaking to Lady Tyrell and Marg walking through the gardens, maybe implying that yeah, Marg was in on his epic plan from last season, and maybe Lady Tyrell was too, and helped epic ruseing Varys into epic ruseing Tywin into arranging those other two weddings, and maybe it was just that Marg's actress is a bit stiff lmao but she seemed to not be that panicked when Joffrey died and it was Lady Tyrell who first noted that he was in trouble, so maybe the masterplan was that since Marg didn't really want to marry Joffrey they merc him but still have their family tied to the Lannisters with Cersei/Loras and I know from pedos on /tv/ being happy about it that Marg gets signed up to marry Tommen so maybe that was the end-goal for them so she's still Queen, although they talked in private and they didn't seem to be conspiring, but as Lady Tyrell said they can't speak freely even just with her so maybe they were just keeping up appearances even then just in case there's some servant boy hiding around from Varys, anyway it seems granny is leaving King's Landing since she doesn't care for trials and she's sick of these fucking gardens lmao, maybe a shout-out to how certain characters are always stuck in the same sets for entire seasons, and yeah here we go, Lady Tyrell asks if she's been to see Tommen yet who's only like fucking 10 but she says no and doesn't even know if the Lannister's agreed to it, and granny reveals she was never even meant to marry her grandfather, she was to be wed to a Targ, but she couldn't stand his "little ferret face and ludicrous silver hair" so she seduced her sisters husband-to-be and tells her nostalgically "and all he wanted was what I had given him the night before, I was good! I was very very good!" and takes her granddaughters hand and tells him "but you are better, but you need to act quicker, Cersei may be vicious but she's not stupid, she'll turn the boy against you as soon as she can, and by the time you're married it'll be too late, but luckily for you the Queen reagent is rather distracted at the moment... mourning her dear departed boy!" hmmmmmmmmmmmmm and she seems to know "accusing her brother of murder, which he didn't commit!" hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and Marg says "he could have done" but granny says flippantly "well he could have done but he didn't" and Marg insists "you don't know grandmother" and granny confesses "but I do know, you don't think I'd let you marry that beast, do you?" and Marg cant fucking process this and asks "what? but... I don't understand" and granny just shushes her and tells her "don't you worry yourself about all that, just you do what needs to be done"... and plays with her necklace, maybe the real vector for the poison that CIA mentioned, now was that for real? or just more bullshit like CIA to make her trust her more or be scared of her or something? or are they both telling the truth and they've been playing the Lannister's and Varys since she came to King's Landing? we haven't seen her even talk to CIA but all that shit with Sansa wanting to marry Loras would be some dank shit for her to be involved in too and make it a lot easier for CIA to pull off, and Marg just stares into her grandmothers eyes trying to work out wtf is going on, so I guess she isn't in on it... I guess
then at Castle Black Jon is trying to train his men how to fight Wildlings who often duel wield weapons and the little boy who's village got My Lai'd is even wearing armor as he's taken a crash course in Realism Bitch and this is all he has left, would be dank as fuck if he got to kill that cannibal guy and Jon's storyline is just heroes journey enough to allow it, and the shota insists "I can fight, I was the best archer in my hamlet!" (inb4 he actually does kill the cannibal leader with an arrow) and all the men laugh but he insists "I was!" and a nice lad tells him "I believe you, we'll go hunting for rabbits one day, but for now watch and learn" and he calms down as Jon makes two more spar, with... is that Locke? I don't think so, but he kicks the shit out of his sparring partner so well he knocks him out, and the asshole CO comes down and tells him to stop being useful as he's only a steward and he's to "go find a chamber pot to wash" and Jon walks up to him like he knows how the world works now and would ice this guy if he thought it would help in a heart beat and the CO grumbles "you traitor's bastard, give me an excuse, Mormont's not here to protect you now" and Jon can see this dudes a pussy not realizing it's well into bitch killing time and thinks he'd even have a chance to order anything against him and walks off and the bald CO guy warns him that Jon's far more popular than him and he has the backing of the blind measter so maybe he should reconsider Jon's idea of marching back on Craster's keep... not because he's right, but hoping the mutineers will take care of him so he doesn't do his own mutiny, and the guy I mistook for Locke makes smalltalk with him about being a bastard and oh... it IS Locke, ooooh yeeeaaaaaah Roose sent him up there find the Stark boys, hopefully he doesn't get wind that Sam knows, sorry I forgot that Jon's storyline wasn't taking place in another continuity lmao and he memes about how he came up out of "a sense of duty" which is true in a way but then tells a fake story about getting in trouble for being a game warden and stealing a prize bird to feed his kids and manipulates Jon by taking shit about his CO enemy too
then we see Cersei pouring a glass of wine to cope with being raped oh no no sorry cope with relapsing into having consensual sex with her brother when a guard knocks on her door to no answer and then opens and she rolls her eyes at being called Your Grace and asks "how many Kingsguards are posed outside Tommen's door?" but it's ah actually Jaime and he tells her the knight on duty and Cersei immediately kicks up the bitching, which would read a bit differently if I didn't know that obvious rape scene wasn't meant to be a rape scene "so one? you have one man guarding the future King? the way you protected Joffrey? why did Catlyn Stark set you free? I've been wondering for months ever since that great COW brought you back to the capital, why did she set you free?" and Jaime doesn't like her implication and says "you know why, she thought I'd send her daughters back to her" and Cersei struggles to get out of her chair she's so drunk and grills him "she thought or you promised?" and Jaime admits that's what he swore but as if it was just bullshitting and Cersei accuses "so you made a sacred vow with the enemy?" and Jaime says "I wanted to get back to you" huh that would be read very differently if, you know... and Jaime insists he has no loyalty to dead Caitlyn and Cersei starts whining with watering eyes "so if I told you to leave the capital right now and find Sansa if I told you to find that murderous little BITCH and bring me her head would you do it?" and Jaime looks at her pokerfaced as he can tell her paranoia has gotten so bad she even suspects him and doesn't reply and she keeps going "I know you went to see Tyrion... that CREATURE who murdered our son" and Jaime realizes it's time to talk for his brothers life and looks down dramatically saying "I had to see for myself... he didn't do it Cersei" and Cersei accuses "you've always pitied him! our pooooor little brother, oh abused by the world, despised by his father and sister, he'd kill us all if he could!" and staggers around drinking and demands four men on Tommen and when Jaime tries to reply she just orders "that'll be all Lord Commander!" as if they have no relationship anymore, wow that would be really interesting... if that rape scene had happened... but ya know.... shit writing so it's simply Cersei hating herself for giving into her weakness and trying to exploit Jaime to do something horrible for her now that he's relapsed into some of his old ways, just not too badly so he obviously won't do it so there's no tention, nice ruined characters btw
and then we see Tommen trying to get to sleep in it seems Joffrey's old room when he looks up at that creepy old boar's head that still has the crossbow bolt his late brother put through it and gets even more unnerved and when he hears a door squealing he asks for his guard... but there's no answer... and a shape from out of the darkness comes... Marg, and Tommen asks how he got past the guard and she says "Kingsguard" not sure what that means and he points out "I.... don't think you're supposed to be here, mother doesn't allow me to have visitors after dark" and she lights a candle next to him and says in her silky voice "I'm not a visitor Your Grave, word has it I'm to be your bride" and Tommen looks up innocently at her like the whole world is just confusing to him and she realizes his immaturity now she sees his reaction and starts talking to him more like the pre-pubescent boy he is acting friendly and telling him the fun trivia "did you know that people in arranged marriages often never meet until their wedding day? before we decide to spend the rest of our lives together we ought to get to know one another don't you think?" and Tommen's confused as to all this new information and falls back on "yes but if my mother found out-" but Marg, literally and unironically grooming this poor boy, says "it can be our secret, hmm?" and gives him a cheeky smirk and jokes "if we're to be husband and wife we'll have a few secrets from her, I hope" but he's only like 10 and unless he learned a lot from Tywin explaining him the birds and the bees, which I imagine goes like him paying to have a prostitute raped in front of him or something, he doesn't get her joke and when she sees him just staring wide-eyed at her she whispers "so... Your Grace... " and he awkwardly croaks "yes?" and she whispers "tell me a secret" and he swallows nervously at this weird woman sitting on his bed when he's saved by A CAT JUMPING UP and Marg strokes the pussy, no not like that, talking to the kitty and he introduces him "that's Ser Pounce" and Marg says "he's very hansom" and Tommen opens up that "Joffrey didn't like him, he threatened to skin him alive... mix his innards up in my food, so I wouldn't know I was eating him", christ, and stares off upset at how badly his brother treated him and Marg gets uncomfortable as she remembers how close she came to having to deal with that for the rest of her life and what a dangerous fucking family she's messing around with and Marg comforts him "that's very cruel.... you don't strike me as cruel" and Tommen sits there trying to work through all his confusing thoughts and says "no... I don't think I am" as the cat scurries away and Marg says "that's a relief... because you know what happens when we marry?" and Tommen smiles, figuring this woman seems nice enough and maybe he can have a normal life now, and happily chirps "we say our vows in front of the High Septon and after the ceremony there's a feast!" but Marg interrupts and explains with a laugh "when we marry I become yours... forever!" and Tommen stares at her with saucer eyes like he can tell that's probably something important and Marg sighs and says "it's getting late... I should go, may I come and visit you again?" and Tommen smiles and nods and Marg puts her face right up to his and whispers "remember... our... little... secret" and Tommen just stares into her eyes bewildered as to wtf is going on and she leans in as if she's going to kiss him on the lips for a split second and then instead kisses him on the foreheads and slinks out of the room with him looking after her in confusion and Tommen rolls over more relaxed uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that was a fucking weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird scene and I'm not sure I like where this is going, GRRM get your fucking hands out of your pants when writing scenes with kids right fucking now
then we see Brie hanging out with Jaime and she's reading his entry in the history of the Kingsguard book and he says it's his duty to fill those pages "and there's still room left in mine" as he dramatically picks up his cool new sword with a siiiiiing that never happens when you touch a real sword and he tries to balance it on his golden hand, barely managing it, as he hands it to Brie, and she realizes "Varlyrian steel" and he says "it's yours" and when she refuses in shock he grumbles "it was reforged from Ned Stark's sword, you'll use it to defend Ned Stark's daughter, you swore an oath to return the Stark girls to their mother, Lady Stark's dead, Arya's probably dead too, but there's still a chance to find Sansa and get her somewhere safe" and Brie nods eager to take on another heroic mission and Jaime takes a deep breath as he's officially going against his sisters wishes for the first time (another scene that would be very different to read if... you know... the whole having just fucking RAPED her thing) and adds "I've got something else for you" and unveils A BADASS AS FUCK NEW DARK GREY SUIT OF ARMOR and he tells her "I hope I got your measurements right" and Brie caresses it gasping at how much it means to her to have his respect as a fellow knight and promises "I'll find her, for Lady Catlyn" and awkwardly adds "and for you" and Jaime struggles to control his emotions, knowing he could never be worthy of loving such a good person as Brie, but adds "ah I almost forgot"
and we cut to PODRICK with a huge smile on his face that he gets to keep adventuring and Brie insists "I don't need a squire" uh excuse me this is Pod the madlad we're talking about and poor Pods face drops as she insists "he'll slow me down" and Jaime explains Pod's situation framing it as valiantly protecting a boy in need and Pod promises cheerily "I won't slow you down ser" and Brie looks offended that he misgendered her and Pod realizes his mistake, isn't sure what to call a female knight and tries "...my lady..." which makes her glare even worse and Pod just tries "I promise I'll serve you well" and Jaime just shrugs and goes "see? he's a good lad, you'll get along" and Brie just gives in and then Bronn pats Pod on the back and gives him "compliments from Lord Tyrion, his axe from the Blackwater" and when Pod hesitates he just thrusts it into his arms and says "what are you waiting for? a kiss? ready the lady's horse" so he rushes off to work and Jaime smiles to his only friend in the world, which is really cute they stayed together after their journey, and banters with her about naming her new sword but she's not really in the mood but still suggests seriously "Oathkeeper" and Jaime looks at her super sad like he knows when she leaves he'll be on his own spiritually and will probably just sink back into the Lannister ways without her good influence, and it'll almost be like he's saying goodbye to the possibility of becoming a better version of himself, and she gets it too and tries to stop from tearing up and just nods and marches off before she starts crying, and Jaime steels himself seemingly deciding that he can do it himself, but maybe also knowing he has to send her away for her own safety so Cersei doesn't go after her to get to him or some shit, again another scene that would be very interesting to read as Jaime doing this in light of having just committed RAPE because he'd know for sure he was definitely saying goodbye to any chance of improving as a person
then Sam and Jon are arguing about going to get Gilly back now the surrounding area is getting raided by Wildlings but Jon reminds him that Sam stopped him from fleeing to help Robb and he restrained himself from running after Bran once Sam told him and Sam worries that the boys might run into Wildlings up there but Jon says they're all with Mance now which only leaves them to run into.. Craster's keep, and then Locke summons them to see the dickhead CO guy who tells them they're allowed to go to Craster's, but only him and whoever volunteers, he won't be ordering any of the men, and Jon steps down and his friend bangs his cup to get their attention as he nervously announces his mission to arrest or kill the mutineers 60 miles North before Mance can get to them and when he gets no reply he brings up avenging Commander Mormond but no one replies to that either and even the little boy from the hamlet looks down depressed that this place is truly fucked but then Jon's friend stands up... and his other friend... the two dudes who tried to nice him when he first arrived... and then another man, and another, and another, and more, with Locke realizing this is his best chance probably overhearing their convo about Bran but Jon says he's just a recruit so Locke says he'll say his vows because he knows to fight and the asshole CO gives his permission with the bald guy getting rustled he got so many volunteers
then we cut to Crastor's keep where the lead mutineer guy, who is surprisingly not the more aggressive bully guy, is DRINKING WINE FROM A CUP MADE OF MORMONT'S SKULL! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 80
and all around the place are Craster's beaten and cowering daughters as in the background we hear one begging for mercy as men grope her christ and Karl has clearly gone off the deep end and is talking to the skull asking it "any orders Lord Commander? whats that? fuck em till they're dead?" as he watches one of his men shove a naked girl over and START RAPING HER ON-SCREEN AS HER TITS FLAP ABOUT, OK, THATS AN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 81 and since it's on-screen I'll give him a KARL'S MUTINEER +1 CRASTER'S DAUGHTERWIFE (DOGY STYLE RAPE)
and Karl growls at Rast, the bully guy, who's kissing on one of the girls backs but he doesnt reply so he tosses some meat at him and orders him to go "feed the beast", I presume poor ghost, and Rast just says "we should kill that thing" and Karl growls out a rambling run on sentence of insults (he'd probably like my threads)"you should SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLE ugly little CUNT you look like a FUCKING BALLSACK ugly look at your stupid CUNT FACE I could piss in any gutter and soak five of you" and he keeps on ranting in a drunken word salad as one of his men pins down and rapes a girl in the background for KARL'S 2ND MUTINEER +1 CRASTER'S DAUGHTERWIFE (MISSIONARY STYLE RAPE)
"you know how much they paid me to kill a man in King's Landing? seven silvers... they told me a man's name and that man never saw daylight again none of them COCKSUCKERS got away from me" and struggles to step up and slurs to the clearly fuming with rage Rast "haven't lost a fight since I was nine... maybe it's time? what do you think? eh? maybe you're the man? eh... CUNT?" and Rast stuffs all the rage down and says "I wouldn't stand a chance, none of us would" and the ex-hitman keeps ranting "I was a fucking legend in Gin Alley... a FOOKIN LEGEND I would take any knight ANY KNIGHT any time you fucking cunts in steel plate FUCKING COWARDS"
and a woman walks in with a mewlying baby, uh oh, that's going in a fire isn't it, and the women all start chanting "a gift for the gods" uh ooooh it's a baby boooooy and the mutineers don't know the protocol and Karl asks "what the fuck is that?" and an older woman says "Craster's last child, a boy" and Karl slurs "what am I supposed to do with it? what did Craster do with them? kill em before they could grow up and do the same to him? all right!" and he takes out his knife and comes at the baby "hand him over, dont need another mouth to feed" like it's nothing but the woman sighs like even this evil cunt isn't the worst of it out here "he didn't kill them... he offered them... to the gods" and Karl realizes "the White Walkers" and all the women start chanting "a gift to the gods" over and over again until Karl tells them to "shut up! so... if it worked for him... lets give the Walkers what they want" and takes the baby to... Rast, and tells him "Rasters heading that way" and Rest begrudgingly walks out into the frozen dark tundra with the baby and looks around not sure what to do so just puts it down on the ground and looks at him like this is even too messed up for him but puts a blanket over it's face so he doesn't have to look at it and walks away but the baby wriggles out of it and starts crying being left there in the frozen snow, then when Rast walks back to the homestead he sees, yep, ghost, locked in a cage, and tells her she's a "pink-eyed fuck" and taunts her with water, drinking it in front of her and pouring it out, and she stands there growling at him and staring at the water on the ground and when she realizes he's not giving any to her she jumps up against the cages causing Rast to leap back screaming "fuck!" and then... crows start squawking.... and he looks around for them but they sound like they're everywhere... and then he looks down at the water he poured out freezing super fast right in front of him, and he fucking bricks it and goes running off
then we cut to Hodor being woken up by the sound of... a baby crying near by, and the teens wake up and realize it's coming closer, and Bran says "I'm going out there" and they say "no we need to stay together" but that's not what he meant, he Wargs into his direwolf Summer and sends her running off towards the sound and she/he hears Ghost howling from her or his I forgets cage but as Bran goes to investigate Summer suddenly falls into some sort of hole in the ground, probably a trap for hunting or security, and Bran sits up with a fright as he loses his wi-fi signal and he explains what happened
then the next morning the Special Needs Squad spying on the keep trying to figure out why the Night's Watch have Jon's wolf in a cage and they see some more sexual assaults much to the sisters horror and being the most mature one there tells the boys "they're not Nigth's Watch anymore, it's not safe, we need to go now" but dumbass Bran refuses to leave without his wolf and her brother nods that he's right at least for the sake of their mission so she does the very telegraphed meme of walking away while looking back at them talking when obviously when she turns around something's going to happen and yep ONE OF THE MEN BUTTS HER IN THE FACE WITH HIS SWORDS HILT and Hodor stands up yelping "hodor!" but he's surrounded by other men pointing their swords up at this big tall chunky bastard and then we cut to
THE MUTINEERS HAVE PUT HODOR ON A CHAIN AND ARE FORCING HIM TO DANCE AROUND AS THE JAB AT THEM WITH THEIR WEAPONS AS THEY LAUGH AND CALL HIM A "FUCKING DISGRACE" that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 82 for abusing a mentally disabled man and one of them stabs him in the leg and he topples over groaning "hodor! hodoooor" looking in horror at the blood on his hands and Rast remands him "if I was your size I'd be king of the fucking world!" as the other men laugh at him cowering on the ground
then inside the cabin they have the teens lined up in front of Karl who walks by Jojen or whatever his name is who looks extremely sweaty like he's sick and he inspects Bran's coat realizing he's highborn from it's quality and Bran just stares at him like he's barely registering this is real and KARL SLAPS BRAN telling hi "see... where I come from, commoner like me slaps a little lord like you, I'd lose me right hand, but we're a long way from home aren't we?" and starts on the siblings trying to deduce what their deal is being up here and Jojen looks like he's about to fucking slip into a coma at any second so he starts on his sister groping her hair growling "I like yer hair, my mum had curls like that, beautiful brown curls" and Bran realizes it's about bitch raping time as Karl questions her about bran and tells them "see you haven't played this game before? highborn hostage! that's valuable, but three of them... that's a lot of mouths to feed" as he takes out a knife but Jojen collapses and starts having a seizure and he's like "fucks wrong with him?" and grabs his sister away from him and puts his knife to his throat and uses the opportunity to force them to doxx themselves and Bran gives in and reveals his name and Rast realizes "Jon Snow's brother" so he lets the girl attend to her brother who's ODing on Warging I guess and Karl puts his knife away remarking "and I thought this was gonna be another boring day"
and then out in the snowstorm we see... A WHITE WALKER RIDING A ZOMBIE HORSE... HOLDING THE BABY BOY WHO LOOKS UP AT HIM WITH HIS BLURRY UNFOCUSED NEWBORN VISION...
and they reach a huge mountain surrounded by surreal creepy eery Northern Lights as they slowly trot out across a frozen lake to some big icicles jutting up from the ground and the White Walker places the baby down in the centre ontop of an icy table that's remarkable for it's sparseness and minimilism compared to how cluttered with everyday items or decorations every other set or location is since I guess this culture doesn't exactly need much uh living expenses and only creates art out of dead people and as a figure approaches from a line of other figures it looks like... maybe the figure from Bran's vision... ah yes... looking down through the ice at the baby.... the figure picks it up... and the baby looks up to see
AND CONVERTING HIM INTO ONE OF THEM!!! ah so that's who they do it I guess, they need at least one of their powerful members to touch them, but if he's doing it to a baby I guess they still age and they don't need to be dead, maybe it's like dead people and animals can be reanimated by any of them but to convert the living only the King can do it and then that baby can grow up to be some super powerful hybrid like him or something, because if it was only the King then that's the easy solution, nuke the fuck outta him and case closed, ok, well that's me officially over half-way through the show, 34 episodes down.... 33 to go....
Game of Thrones 4x05: "First of His Name" The Chad CIA special edition
First aired: May 4, 2014
we open on Tommen's coronation in some new religious location as the priest guy gives a huge big speech to their gods and gives Tommen his new titles as everyone says "long may he reign" and applauds him with Marg and Tywin specifically looking especially happy about it, then after, oh it was just in the Iron Throne room was it idk my brain is melting from too much GoT, Pycelle is doing the old man act up to Tommen on the throne to give him his blessings and Varys is talking to Tywin which I hope we get to see a 1 on 1 or should I say 1v1 scene with them and we see Marg smiling at Tommen and he smiles back at her thinking he's made a new friend but then suddenly CERSEI pops up into the frame like the fucking shark in Jaws or some shit and glares at her and she looks away pretending nothing was happening which would usually seem bitchy but she's kind of right I get weird pedo vibes from Marg lmao and then we see Cersei creeping up on Marg and she just stands next to her like she could snap her fucking neck at any second and Marg tries to be polite about Tommen's coronation but it's super awkward and Cersei seems to pick up how uncomfortable Marg is and is like disappointed she's not stronger willed so she could get a vibe off of her that she was involved with Joffrey's death but unfortunately she's coming off as innocent to her so she starts creepily feeling her dress that I guess is some funeral attire and asks "you still mourn for Joffrey?" and Marg bullshits "he was my husband, my king" but Cersei just bludgeons her with the truth "he would have been your nightmare" and Marg looks at her not knowing how to play nice and charm a woman who at both loved and hated her dead son and she tries to play dumb but Cersei calls her out "you knew exactly what he was... I did too, you never love anything in the world the way you love your first child, doesn't matter what they do, and what he did it shocked me, do you think I'm easily shocked? the things he did shocked me" so was Cersei aware of his little killing a prostitute adventure or just his general killing people on a whim problem? and Marg doesn't know what the fuck to say for once as Cersei starts saying that a decent boy like Tommen, probably from not being raised to assume he'll be King all his life so becoming extremely entitled and subconsciously resentful, "might be the first man who sits on that throne in 50 years to actually deserve it" and Marg tries to push Cersei's buttons saying it would be a consolation for all the horror that put him there and Cersei rolls her eyes as she forces her bitterness down to do the right thing for her son as she adds "he will need help if he's going to rule well, a mother is not enough" and forces a smile to her and asks "you're still interested in being queen I take it" and when Marg keeps playing dumb "ugh after all that's happened?" Cersei stares at her like this ungrateful fucking cunt wont be honest with her when she's forcing herself to play nice and give her what she obviously wants and Marg bullshits about having to speak to her father and Cersei just goes "yes, speak to your father, I'll speak to mine" as a wee threat and Marg tries to lighten the mood by saying "we may be faced by an alarming number of weddings soon, I won't even know what to call you! sister? or mother?" giving her an obnoxious smirk purposefully violating Cersei's threat against her not to call her mother AND pointing out she's far older than her and Cersei just looks off as if she's had it way worse just observing her than whatever she could do to purposefully offend her, would make an interesting scene to read knowing nothings going to make Cersei feel worse than getting raped by her own brother but ya knooooooooooow shit writing
then we see Dany hearing the news about Joffrey that makes her smile and Daario boasts of the Second Sons, who I don't even think we've seen on-screen yet, taking the Meereen navy but Dany chews him out on his presumptive action and Dany asks if the 9300 men her 93 new ships could carry could take King's Landing but Jorah says the Lannister's have more but Barry assures they're tired and dispersed from the recent war and 8K Unsullied and 2K Second Sons might be enough for a sneak attack and Dany gives Jorah a cheeky eyebrow cock but he looks anxious as if he simply enjoys roaming around Essos liberating slave cities with her and doesn't really want her to become Queen as he's probably insecure she'd move on from him and not need his help anymore and he tries to says that 10K men might be able to take KL but not Westeros with Barry thinking the old houses will back her but Jorah says only if they think she'll win and then as if he secretly relishes having to keep her busy in Essos with him he tells them that without the Unsullied in Yunkai the Wis Masters have retaken control of the city, oh, what's this, consequences? c-cant be, "they've re-enslaved the freedmen who stayed behind and sworn to take revenge against you... and in Astapor the council you installed to rule the city has been overthrown by a butcher named Cleon who's declared himself His Imperial Majesty" and Dany looks shook and asks "please leave me" with Grey Worm being the first to go as he's so conditioned to follow orders and everyone else obeys the "leave us" meme as she keeps Jorah behind, uh oh, I assume she's onto his feelings of wishing to stay out there with her indefinitely, and she says playing dumb, I assume, "it seems my liberation of Salvery's Bay isn't going quite as planned" and Jorah says, knowing she won't take it, "you could sail for Westeros and leave it all behind, a boy sits on the Iron Throne, a boy many believe to be a bastard with no right to" and Dany notes he counselled her against rashness in Qarth and when she didn't listen it didn't work out well and he chuckles at their misfortunes but she says seriously "how can I rule Westeros if I can't control Slavery's Bay? why should anyone trust me? why should anyone follow me?"YEAH REALLY MAKES YOU FUCKING THINK DOESN'T IT THOT and Jorah sucks up to her but Dany realizes "I need to be more than that, I will not let those I freed slide back into chains, I will not sail for Westeos, I will do what Queens do... I will rule" so I guess this is her realizing, after 4 fucking seasons of doing so, that she can't just roam around creating power vacuums in violent societies and expect it to end well, nice you finally had that Brain Blast™ m'lady
then we see CIA and Sansa walking up to a guard with falling bird on his shield and he looks around seeing guards aiming bows at them so warns Sansa to pull up her hood so she can't be ID'd by her hair or maybe hinting at the guards wanting to rape her just to get her scared and he points out the Hot Gates of Thermopylae style great placement of the castle where no matter how big your army you're still only attacking the main gate three men wide by having to go up this narrow crevasse so it's never been overcome which is probably why he covets this castle so much and it fits into what he thinks of himself "know your strengths and use them wisely and one man can be worth ten thousand" and he introduces himself to the guard but lies who Sansa is in case they get any funny ideas of selling them out to the capital or something
then we finally see Cat's crazy sister again and the little zoomer prince is back who wakes up from still sleeping on his mothers lap, hopefully not still breast feeding, and he runs up yelling "uncle peter!" wait sorry petyr and hugs him and CIA gives him a glass bird toy much to the zoomers amusement, seems like CIA's trying to easy angle of making the kid love him so his mother will be more likely to accept him as his step-father, and Sansa goes to introduce herself, maybe with a fake name, but Aryn says she knows who she is and is glad she's here and hugs her niece, this being the first time they ever met, but she warns her she cant call her Aunt in front of anyone, since it is a sceret she's here, so the capital don't think they helped with the ol Joffrey going purple episode, and Aryn claims the Lannister's are out to get them which might just be paranoia CIA tells her and the zoomer prince asks Sansa "mummy said they killed your mother and they chopped off your brother's head?" and Sansa awkwardly confirms it along with Ned and he just sighs "they killed my father too, with poison, I wanted to make the little Lannister baby man fly hah! but mother said I couldn't" making it seem like the clearly sheltered kid doesn't understand the situation fully but doesn't like the Lannister's either for seemingly mercing his dad, and maybe he's not just a complete shithead but wanted revenge on Tyrion specifically, and Sansa asks "make him fly?" and the kid explains "through the moon door" and then HE TOSSES THE TOY BIRD OFF THE MOUNTAIN LMAO, they should really put a fucking rail around that or something that kids gonna fall in one day little shit and his mother laments "and on top of all that they made you marry that filthy troll" and Sansa tries to explain Tyrion didn't want to but Aryn asks if Tyrion raped her and when she says no she's relieved and then she does the dumb thing of entrusting her clearly underdeveloped son that this is his cousin but he's not allowed to call her that or her name in front of anyone else, as if he'll understand or remember, and she sends little Robin to go show Sansa her chamber
and as soon as they leave woooah baby Aryn immediately throws herself over CIA and makes out with him and says "what took you so long?!" and he boasts about placing Tommen on the throne and extracting Sansa but she's so thirsty she wants to get married tonight without any of the Lords of the Vale because they were all clamouring to marry her but CIA is the only man for her, presume he only loves him because he's so good at manipulating and turned it to seducing such an obviously mentally ill and vulnerable woman but she rants about how much she trusts him and how no other woman would trust him "when you gave me those drops and told me to pour them into Jon's wine, my husband's wine, when you told me to write a letter to Cat telling her it was the Lannister's"HOLY SHIT CIA WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED THE KING'S HAND!!!n-nani?!?! that could mean that... he knew Robb would appoint Ned to replace him and that Ned would investigate to an extent that it'd get him killed? just so he could try to move in on Cat? holy shit, but the Lannister's were clearly acting dodgy about it so maybe he did it on their behalf, but then again it could have been him that had The Mountain kill his squire and not any of them somehow, hell maybe it's like he told Sansa and his main objective was never to fuck Cat but that's just the sad backstory he let people like Varys think they were smart for catching onto when really he just wants "everything" like he said starting off with marrying Sansa so he gets the North and he set all this in motion with Ned knowing it'd probably end with his family being wiped out for him to be able to take Sansa, take the North and then the rest of Westeros, CIA fucking rules, and to shut this dumb bitch up spilling exposition all over the place when there could be eavesdroppers around, other than the camera and sound crew around her, he starts kissing her and tells her "the deed is done, faded into nothing, only speaking of it can make it real" and then promises to marry her that night but talks about at least taking a bath before they call the Septon but lmao she opens the doors and the Septon is already there and CIAs face drops like he was trying to buy time to find a way out of it but she's already telling him "I'm warning you I'm going to SCREAM when my husband makes love to me! I'm going to scream so loud they'll hear me clear across the Narrow Sea" and starts making out with him in front of the priest guy rofl, then at night Sansa lies awake as ARYN KEEPS HER PROMISE AND IS SCREAMING WITH PLEASURE AS CIA FUCKS HER ALL NIGHT LONG LMAOOOOOO NOOOO THAT MEANS HE'S NOT A VIRGIN!!! or he was probably just lying to those whores knowing Varys would hear from them he's saving himself from Cat and thinking he knows his deepest saddest secrets since she implied they fucked before even the show started never mind until after Cat died
then back at KL Twin is talking to his daughter about Tommen's wedding and she requests time for them both to mourn Joffrey and Tywin just says "a fortnight?" as if mourning loss is a foreign concept to him and insists "no jugglers, no jousting dwarfs, no 77-course meals, and your wedding to Loras?" and Cersei freezes up and gives in "a fortnite after" and Tywin tries to actually speak nicely to his daughter "I know you don't like him, I didn't like your husband, used to pat me on the back a lot, I didn't trust him" and Cersei adds "I didn't trust him either" looking suspiciously at her father being so candid but here comes the euphoric 48 Laws of Power life lesson shit "you don't need to make formal alliances with people you trust" and when Cersei asks "then who can we trust?" Tywin gets uncomfortable and stands up realizing he made the mistake of opening up to even his own daughter and insists "ourselves alone" and as he pours her a glass of wine without her asking as if... he encourages her heavy drinking knowing it keeps her easier to control with her wits dulled like Roose says and explains to her they need the Tyrells for their resources since "war swallows gold like a pit in the earth" and does the shit he was doing to Tommen where he gives her a POP QUIZ HOTSHOT"do you know how much gold was mined in the Westerlands this past year?" and pushes her to answer until she realizes the answer is ZERO and he confesses how horribly in debt they are to (((the Iron Bank))) and Cersei immediately starts angling at compromising someone in charge but Tywin implies that it's run by so many people they'd just be easily replaced and he explains "we all live in it's shadow and almost none of us know it" literally and unironically like the (((United States Federal Reserve))) lmao that people just assume is a branch of the government but is legally a private corporation that basically rules the world deciding what war happens where to keep the USD in power and he goes on "you cant run from them, you cant cheat them, you cant sway them with excuses, if you owe them money and you don't want to crumble yourself... you pay it back" (top fucking kek at (((money lenders))) being Tywin's final boss) which is why they need the Tyrells, and just admitting the truth works on Cersei who gives into marrying Loras, but then turns it around to talking shit to Tyrion, but Tywin insists he can't discuss the trial, and Cersei just happily says "I respect that, we don't need to discuss it, the Lannister legacy is the only thing that matters, you've started wars to protect this family, turned your back on Jaime for refusing to contribute to it's future, what does Tyrion deserve? for lighting that future on fire?" and Tywin just stares at her like he can tell she's trying to butter him up and manipulate him and doesn't do that worried look people do in this show when someone walks away after saying something manipulative but he does seem like he's thinking about what she said as if she's still checking to see if she's right
then we see Arya doing her edgy revenge mantra that's not yet been updated by Joffrey already being dead but has added Beric, The Read Lady and Thoros to it which makes The Hound perk up as if he knows him but what gets him to tell her to "shut up" is hearing his brother as if he hates thinking about him and when she explains the ritual he approves and says "if we come across my brother... maybe we can both cross a name off our list" and Arya pries "if he were here right now what would you do" and The Hound looks at worried like he knows he'd still be scared of him and want to just run away like a little boy but he just closes his eyes and says "I'd tell him to shut the fuck up so I can get some sleep" lmao but then lets her finish her list and she very edgily says "I'm almost done, only one name left........... THE HOUND" and pretends to go to sleep and he just looks over at her like uhhhhhhhhhhh... sweet dreams lmao
then there's a scene with Aryn and Sansa having dinner and she tells her about how Cat used to like sweets so much she was almost getting fat and had to cut it down to get a good suitor much to her amusement but also her insecurity as she stops eating and Aryn encourages her to keep eating and holds her hands weirdly and starts talking about how much CIA cares for her and Sansa just forces herself to play along knowing she needs this woman's help and she's her only family left but Aryn takes a mood swing and starts grilling her on why CIA cares for her so much getting paranoid and Sansa tries to explain it away but she gets super insecure that he loved Cat more and rants about how she never loved him "she always went for the sweetest thing, your handsome, arrogant, cruel Uncle Brandon, he almost killed Petyr in a duel!" and starts guilting Sansa for taking advantage of CIA ranting psychotically about CIA fucking his whores and demanding to know if she's pregnant and demands to know "what have you let Petyr do to your body? your young pretty body?" as if she just accepts it's inevitable men want to fuck every woman and it's the woman's fault for giving in which is the funnily enough quite misandric ideas behind most misogyny like muslims wanting to keep women covered up because men supposedly literally cannot control themselves and Aryn grips Sansa's hands and shakes her saying she'll know if she lies so Sansa tears up and says she's a virgin and claims CIA calls her what she called herself when speaking to Marg earlier that she's "a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns" to make herself more upset so Aryn will believe he's not interested and it works and she starts cuddling her shushing her saying "it'll all be alright, you'll be a widow soon, they'll execute that dwarf for murdering the King and you'll be free to marry Robin, you'll be the Lady of the Vale" and Sansa stops forcing herself to cry as she realizes she's not free of being married off for political games just yet
then with Brie on the road she is frowning as Pod fails to ride his horse, finally something he's bad at, as his beast careens all over the road trying to wander off on her own, and Brie tries to warn him into abandoning her that it'll take weeks to get to The Wall, I guess she has the same idea as Locke that if any of the Stark children survive they might go to their half-brother, but Pod is a dedicated squire who'll never break his oath, but Brie just says she's not a knight or a slaver and is freeing him from his oath, but Pod prides himself in being a good squire and doesn't want people saying he wasn't so refuses, lmao, this is a pretty funny pairing which is some of the best content in the show like odd couples like Brie and Jaime or Arya and The Hound being paired up
speaking of which the big man himself wakes up to find Arya missing and looks around in a hurry stressed out that his payday's done a runner but then he finds that Arya is simply practising her fencing moves with Needle now she has it back by a river and out of nowhere The Hound appears and starts mocking her for "nancing around" and asks "who taught you that shite?" and Arya does the title drop meme for her dead or not dead if he's that shapeshifter assassin guy from Braavos and The Hound mocks "I bet his hair's greasier than Joffrey's cunt!" lovely and mocks her dead mentor for getting killed by Ser Meryn Trant who he claims "any whore boy with a sword could beat three Meryn Trants" and gleefully laughs in her face when she defends him saying he only had a wooden sword and just when she looks like she's about to attack him he invites her to show him what he taught her and Arya cockily spins her sword around and The Hound mocks her teacher one last time so she DRIVES NEEDLE INTO THE HOUNDS CHEST... TO NO EFFECT AS IT'S BLOCKED BY HIS ARMOR, AND HE JUST LIGHTLY BACKHANDS HER ONTO THE GROUND AND TAKES HER SWORD LMAO and explains that her friend's dead and Trant isn't because he had armor and a sword as if that's just the brutal reality of how life works and then gives her Needle back and struts off having happily crushed her dreams that her flowery martial arts dancing routines mean shit in the real world, which is true and I've never seen anyone use any martial arts effectively in a real street fight video before other than maybe judo in literally one video where a woman hip throws a stronger man and that's only useful to allow her to run away from him if you really want to train to fight the best seems to be boxing actually since it trains you to avoid getting punched in the head while doing that to other people which is the best thing you can do outside of having a weapon or being lucky to be the physically bigger one who can throw their weight around and maybe MMA for restraining someone who's just acting up but in real life if it's a serious fight you'll just get kicked in the head by his mate or stabbed with their knife you didn't see or something trying to do an armbar on the ground
then by the lily pond in KL Cersei and some Lannister soldiers approach Oberyn who's writing some poetry and she takes him for a walk he notes he can't refuse and she agrees and she asks who the poem is for and he says one of his EIGHT daughters and he says "the fifth is difficult, I named her after my sister Elia, but I cant say it without turning sad, and when I grow sad I turn angry" trying to put the pressure on her but Cersei turns it back around on him "perhaps that's why she's so difficult? the god's love their stupid jokes don't they? you're a prince of Dorne, a legendary fighter, a brilliant man feared throughout Westeros, but you could not save your sister, I'm a Lannister, Queen for 19 years, daughter of the most powerful man alive, but I could not save my son, what good is power if you cannot protect the ones you love?" and Oberyn suggests "we can avenge them" which Cersei likes the sound of and he asks "you really believe Tyrion murdered your son?" and she says "I know he did" and he says "we will have a trial and we will learn the truth" and Cersei says unconvinced "well we'll have a trial anyway" and then starts talking about her daughter, who he threatened, but he erasures her that the last he saw of her she was having fun swimming with two of his daughters, but Cersei doesn't believe him, and he assures her "we don't hurt little girls in Dorne" seemingly actually a quite honerable and good man despite his stabby introduction but Cersei drops the realest shit said so far "EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD THEY HURT LITTLE GIRLS" and just stares at him like you think you're a real nigga try being born female in this world and Oberyn's wise enough to know she's right and just looks out to sea sadly and Cersei asks him to bring her a gift since she missed her nameday and points out to an entire sail boat she's had built for her and she chokes up saying "please tell her her mother misses her very much" and walks off before she cries and Oberyn looks after her like he's surprised he feels sorry for such a bitch
then we cut to Podrick noticing a rabbit on a spit over a fire is GOING UP IN FLAMES and takes it off and starts stamping on it trying to put it out lmao and Brie comes back confused asking "did you remove the skin?" on the rabbit she most likely caught as she finds her squire stamping on their dinner for some fucking reason and he admits "no, my lady" and when Brie asks "have you ever cooked anything for Lord Tyrion?" shocked at his incompetence he shrugs and says "no my lady... that was the cooks" revealing the source of his power: being a squire to a prince in King's Landing is easy lmao, and now he's out in the wilderness he's just a hapless kid again and Brie sighs and drops the sticks she collected and Podrick looks down depressed he's not impressing her and then awkwardly rushes up to help her take off her armor which just pisses her off more as she's so proud of being self-reliant and he tells her all the simple things he did for Tyrion "mostly I poured wine" and when she exasperatedly says "and did you do anything remotely related to combat?" as that's her primary concern and he gets quite and confesses like he's not proud "I killed a man, a Kingsguard, he tried to kill Lord Tyrion at the Blackwater" like it was a very traumatic event for him he's not sure how to feel about and Brie is impressed and asks "how did you kill a Kingsguard?" and says vulnerably "I pushed a spear through the back of his head" and she sits there fiddling with her armor reconsidering her opinion of him and then gets mad at her armor straps and gives in and lets him help her with them, awwwww, I w-want to be Brie's squire :3
then we see Locke spying on fellow shithead Rast who I was going to say is at least just a bully but we see him dragging a girl out into the woods to rape, ok never mind, and he peaks around a tree to see two big lads with axes leaving too so he decides to make his move and sneak into the camp on some MGS stealth mission shit and the sounds of women whimpering as men laugh are all around him and he makes the mistake of brushing past a lantern but he darts off beside the hut that Bran and the autism squad are tied up in who notices the fresh footprints and can tell there's someone sneaking about and Jojen says some weird shit about how Bran cant let anything stop him and that he's "not here, you're far from here" and HE SUDDENLY STARTS HAVING A VISION OF THE OLD WHITE TREE being where they're tied up instead of inside a hut, dude's tripping balls
and he tells Bran that they're only there to guide him as "he's waiting for you, we have to find it, you have to make it" and Bran can tell he's not right and assures him "I will" and Meera asks "how will we know the end" and he looks down at his own hand that he's hallucinating ON FUCKING FIRE and just tells them "you'll know" as if this is what happens to a Warg as he's dying or something
then Locke comes back to Jon and his men to report he counted "eleven men, most already drunk, no guards posted, they don't seem to have a care in the world" but Jon's friend warns him how "Karl was the most well paid cutthroat in Flea Bottom" and Locke just quips "have you seen what I can do with a knife?" well Jaime has heheheh, and then he tells Jon about the dogs, plural, locked up and how they'll need to be fast so they don't smell them which peaks Jon's interest and the mate says "full moon tonight" shame Robb wasn't really a werewolf
then we see Karl at night going to the hut to rape the curly haired sister and his men grab her and string her ropes up on a chain and Bran starts yelling at them to leave her alone and Hodor starts hodoring anxiously and as they struggle to pull her pants down Bran gets more and more angry and Karl walks up to her stroking her hair going "shh shh shh shh, you've got pretty hair don't you?" and basically accuses her of being up there looking for trouble, liking it rough and liking it "in the gutter" which might mean liking poor men or taking it up the arse lmao and Jojen who's been quiet this whole time calmly says "if you let my sister go I can help you, I have the sight, I can see things, things that haven't happened yet" and Karl kneels down and asks "have you seen what I'm going to do to your sister? have you seen what they're going to do to your sister?" and takes out a knife and tells him "dont close your eyes" oh ho ho but Jojen smiles and tells him "I saw you die tonight, I saw your body burn, I saw the snow all and bury your bones"
and Karl looks like he's about to stab him when he hears a man yelling "to arms!" and Rast rushes in whining "they're here, the Night's Watch" and we see JON RUSHING IN SWINGING HIS 500 YEAR OLD SWORD FIGHTING THE MUTINEERS AND ALL THE NIGHTS WATCHMEN FOLLOW HIM INTO A BIG MELEE WITH JON ONLY KILLING WHEN HE HAS TO BUT LOCKE JUST RUNS THROUGH SKEWERING EVERYONE IN HIS WAY
to make sure he gets to Bran first and he starts untying his ropes and asks "are ya Brandon Stark?" but when no one answers but looks around worried to each other he cuts to the chase and LOCKE CUTS BRANS LEG and everyone screams but when he doesn't even notice he realizes oh yeah, must be "the little crippled Lord, we're going for a ride boy" and Bran realizes this is some buuuullshit and starts screaming for "JON! JON!" but Locke covers his mouth and threatens to kill his friends and outside the battle rages on with the Knigths Watchmen easily killing the drunken traitors and Hodor hodors anxiously as Locke picks up Bran but BRAN WARGS INTO HODOR, CALMS HIM DOWN AND PUTS ALL HIS STRENTH INTO PULLING THE HOOK HE'S CHAINED TO OFF THE WALL that Hodor presumably wasn't smart enough to figure out he could do on his own and I guess the meme here is that Hodor's brain damage means his mind is simple enough for there to be space for Bran or something like an animal and he can't control other people... yet, and we see Jon's said fuck it and has started killing these motherfuckers who are clearly not surrendering and as Locke runs off into the woods with our crippled hero BRAN CONTROLS HODORS BODY TO PICK LOCKE UP BY HIS THROAT...
AND SNAP HIS FUCKING NECK!!!!! eat shit motherfucker and then when he drops the warg Hodor looks down horrified at his own hands not understanding what just happened to make him commit such brutality that he'd never do on his own but Bran snaps him out of it telling him to uncut the rope from his hand and then ordering him to go free Jojen and Meera too and Bran crawls over to watch Jon operating like a bad cunt and tries to call to him but Jojen turns up and warns that he won't let him go North and Bran realizes he's right and has to hold his tongue but allows himself some time watching Jon heroically winning his fights until he tells Hodor they need to take Summer with them
then inside Karl killing a Knights Watchmen when... Jon enters Craster's home... and Karl takes a second knife from his latest victims corpse and kicks it over and mockingly bows asking "Lord Stark, you bringing me back for trial?" and starts sharpening his knives off of each other like a butcher and starts twirling them around like V for Vendetta and starts moaning "we had a good thing going here, we were free men... you'll never be free... you'll never know what that's like" and Jon just walks towards him carefully holding his bloodied sword out and then
THEY START SWINGING THEIR BLADES AT EACH OTHER IN A FLURRY OF MOVES AND KARL JUMPS BACK, TWIRLS HIS BLADES AND LAUGHS BEFORE DIVING BACK IN SLASHING HIS KNIVES AT JON WHO STRUGGLES TO BLOCK THEM AND GETS KNOCKED BACK AND KARL MOCKS "YOU LEARN TO FIGHT IN A CASTLE?"
BUT JON LUNGES AT HIM AND KARL DODGES IT AND RAMS HIS KNIFE INTO JON'S LEG AND ASKS "SOME OLD MAN TEACH YOU HOW TO STAND? HOW TO PARRY?" AND TWISTS THE KNIFE IN AND UNLEASHES ANOTHER FLURRY UNTIL HE'S PRESSING JON'S OWN SWORD UP AGAINST HIS FACE AND ASKS "HOW TO FIGHT WITH HONOR?"
BUT JON BUTTS HIM WITH HIS HANDLE AND LUNGES AT HIM AND MANAGES TO GET BEHIND HIM BUT BEFORE HE CAN SLIT HIS THROAT KARL THROWS HIM ONTO THE GROUND AND CHARGES INTO ANOTHER HOLD OF HIS SWORD AND GROWLS "YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HONOR?"
AND SPITS IN HIS FUCKING EYES AND SWIPES HIS LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND KICKS HIM OVER AND STEPS ON HIS HAND SO HE CANT GRAB HIS SWORD AND IS ABOUT TO GUT HIM WHEN... HE GETS STABBED IN THE BACK... FROM ONE OF CRASTER'S DAUGHTERS! AND HE'S LIKE "YOU?" AND PULLS THE KNIFE OUT OF HIS OWN BACK AND COMES TOWARDS HER BUT...
well that was a cool little boss fight but like most of Jon's storyline is a bit stereotypical, e.g. no one in the history of ever has had a conversation mid-fight, but at least they've built up this guy as a scary physical and determined threat and Jon as not perfect so it's still a cool action scene unlike the unrealistic shit that Dany does that is just daft and not exciting, and Jon sensitively asks the daughterwife if she's alright and takes her outside as his friend kills the last mutineer trying to fight him and his other friend tells him they lost five brothers, including Locke, and shows him his neck that's been wrenched so out of place the skin has ripped and asks "what the seven hells could do that to a man?" and Jon maybe thinks of his old friend but then points out he only counts 10 of the 11 mutineers and one of his mates realizes "where's Rast?" and then we see this dumbass has simply run away into the woods and has gotten lost and is completely terrified especially when he finds the wolf cave open and crows squawk around him and he does the meme where he looks one way but turns the other so obviously something will attack him and yep GHOST JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND KILLS HIM LMAOOO that's what he gets for bullying her and Sam
then we see Jon's friend pulling his sword out of a corpse and seeing our white friend come trotting back satisfied with the blood on her mouth and Jon's like "where in the seven hells-come here!" and his wolf trots up, oh yeah it's a boy, and lets him pet her as she stands there happy, but then his mate asks what to do with the daughters, and he tells them "Mance Rayder has an army headed this way and there's worse out here than Mance, come with us to Castle Black, find you work, keep you safe" but the oldest woman says "all due respect ser, Craster beat us and worse, your brother crows beat us and worse, we'll find our own way" and he asks "stay here? in Craster's Keep?" but she spits on the ground and says "burn it to the ground, with all the dead in it" and they all stand there watching it burn, the girls seeing the home they were abused to be destroyed, and the men seeing the place their brothers betrayed them destroyed, pretty swift end to all those antagonists, rip Rast who was kind of a generic bully, rip Karl who made a great impression for the two episodes he was in and rip Locke who it was realism I guess that Jaime'll never see him again but still got a memorable death
Game of Thrones 4x06: "The Laws of Gods and Men" (((The Iron Bank))) special edition
First aired: May 11, 2014
alright we open with Stannis and Davos on a ship sailing to... some massive roman-style city that has a huge skyscraper style statue you have to sail under it's legs to get through, most likely inspired by the Colossus of Rhodes that historians estimate was about the size of the Statue of Liberty
and inside the city they're anxiously awaiting their meeting and Davos tries to make small talk about how in Essos they have a different sense of time but Stannis is not in the mood so he shuts up and then some big stone doors sliiiide open and three men come in to this very minimalist room and a man smiles and says WELCOME TO (((THE IRON BANK))) oh shit it's the jews and they offer Stannis a seat and he just stands there like an autist not replying and then slowly walks up and stares at the seat, then stares at Davos, and then slowly sits down, and Davos does Stannis his title drop meme and the man simply offers Davos a seat and does Tommen's titledrop memes but Stannis tells him "he is a bastard born of incest" and the ummmm quite uhhhh HOOK NOSED BANKER says "yes, we have heard this story"
and he insists it's true, but the banker repeats Tywin's propaganda that it's just propaganda from Stannis, and he just calls them out as bias since Tywin's their customer, and the banker asks "you believe your blood gives you a claim to our gold?" and for the first time Stannis' eyes light up as he says "more than any man living" and the banker handwaves all their inter-familial drama and says here their books are only filled with numbers "we prefer the stories they tell, less open to interpretation" and asks Stannis his vital statistics, no not his cock size, but his men, which is 4K, and his ships, and before he can meme the banker cuts him off "the ones still afloat, Ser Davos, not at the bottom of Blackwater Bay" as if he knows aaaaaaall the number fiddling tricks cheeky beggars like them like to play, and he admits 32, and the banker asks how much food they produce for their men, and Stannis admits none, and the banker grimaces and says "you can see why these numbers seem unlikely to add up to a happy ending... from our perspective" LMAO STANNIS STORYLINE HINGES ON HIM BEING DECLINED FOR A LOAN FROM HIS BANK BECAUSE HE CANT PAY IT BACK SULISSSS that's life innit mate and he paces around anxiously as the banker talks shit to Davos for being a thief so he drops the um smuggler not a pirate meme and whips out his missing fingers as proof Stannis didn't go easy on him either, but the banker isn't impressed and tells them their war is over, but Davos realizes their game and plays into his autistic numbers obsession by asking how old Tywin is, he answers 67, and he points out when he dies who's in charge, a half-born incest baby? Cersei, who the people hate? Jaime, the Kingslayer? and demands to know who he'll back when Tywin's gone and when the banker avoids it he points to Stannis and says it's his birthright, he's in his prime, he's a tried and tested battle commander and he doesn't just talk about paying people back HE DOES IT as he holds up his fucked up hand
then we see a bath house where the black pirate dude is telling a joke to some white cags under his arms who are finna bouta get BLACKED.COM about a ship captain who wears his red shirt before battle "so that if I am stabbed you will not see me bleed" and the day they see ten pirate ships he asks for his "bring me my brown pants!" the girls answer as they've already heard it all before, wait a fucking second DID THE DEADPOOL MOVIE STEAL THIS DUDES JOKE LMAO? BRAVO THE RETARDED FOX X-MEN MOVIE UNIVERSE!!! and Davos appears to mock him much to the pirates surprise but they shake hands as he introduces his cags but Davos cuts to the chase and insists he set sail with him and when the black dude starts bitching Davos just throws down a packet of cylinders full of very finely crafted coins and busts his balls about giving "the good stuff", ale I guess, or more money, at home with his wife lul
then on based Yara's ship she's reading out Ramsey's edgy troll letter since he is literally ye olde shitposter insulting and threatening their people and boasting about what he did to Theon and his men to all her soldiers to get them riled up as we see Myranda riding Ramsey in their bed and then Yara being rowed ashore by her men as Ramsey grabs his lovers ass as she's in the throws of passion as she's clearly obsessed with him but he just sort of stares at her curiously like she's just another interesting animal to study the responses of and Yara tells her men "they skinned our countrymen and they mutilated my brother! your prince! your prince! everything they've done to him they'e also done to you! as long as they can hurt our prince with impunity the word "ironborn" means nothing!" and we see MYRANDA GRABBING RAMSEY BY THE THROAT WITH BOTH HANDS AS SHE ORGASMS and Ramsey's like woah now we're talkin ok I like this girl more and more
but then outside as a guard listens in to her moans he hears a grappling hook and when he goes to check YARA PUTS AN HANDAXE IN HIS HEAD and her men all swarm over the wall and when guards come out her men grab him and slit his throat we fucking black ops spec ops mission now boiiiii and she grabs a young guard and demands to be taken to Theon in the dungeons but he reveals he's kept in... the dog kennels... in his own dog cage, top kek
then we see Yara being lead by the guard in there telling her which cage but a bell starts to go off announcing her men have been spotted so she says "thank you" and SLITS HIS THROAT and the dogs all starts barking and Reek wakes up and cowers in the corner but when his sister says "we're going home" and busts the lock off his cage he rasps "no! you cant trick me! tell him you couldn't trick me!" and when she says "I'm not tricking you Theon I'm saving you!" he insists "I'm not Theon! I'm Reek! my name is Reek!" so Yara just drags him out as she insists "you're Theon Grejoy!" and Reek, terrified it's one of Ramsey's demented games, which is entirely plausible based on how little his family respects him and what a useless commander his father is that he could force them to play along with him, starts screaming as loud as he can "no! I don't believe her! I know who I am! REEK! LOYAL REEK! GOOD REEK! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN REEK!" in case Ramsey is outside
aaaaand he is! RAMSEY WALKS IN SHIRTLESS COVERED IN ARTERIAL SPRAY to find his favorite pet held by his sister and two guards while three other guards stand in front of them with shields and he has five men of his own behind him as he quips "this is turning into a lovely evening!"
HE RUSHES AT THE IRONBORN PUTTING A MACE IN ONE OF THEIR SHIELDS AND A MELEE BREAKS OUT IN THE KENNELS WITH THE DOGS GOING APESHIT WITH RAMSEY WHACKING THE GUYS SHIELD OVER AND OVER AGAIN
AND REEK SEES HIS OWNER AND STARTS GOING APESHIT SCREAMING "I'M REEK! LOYAL REEK!" AS HIS SISTER AND A MAN TRY TO HOLD HIM BUT REEK BITES HER HAND SO SHE LETS GO AND RUSHES BACK INTO HIS CUCK CAGE TO COWER
and the fighting pauses as Ramsey and two of his guys stand around Reeks cage with Yara and two of her guys face off with them and she offers "give me my brother and no more of your men will die" and Ramsey compliments "you've got bigger balls than he ever did!" and slots his knife into his pants and asks "but with those... big balls of yours... how fast can you run?" and takes out a key and... UNLOCKS HIS DOGS CAGE
and then we cut to Yara having to retreat to her rowboats and her man asks "but your brother?" and she assures him "my brothers dead" uhhhhhh right, ok so this is where Ramsey's Gary Stu is starting to show, except the like edgy version where the edgy must prevail rather than the hero, not only is he already lucky enough to be a psychopath born to the Lord of the edgiest House ever in the first place but he's also an extreme master of hand to hand combat despite being a small almost teenager sized man on top of being an expert brainwasher who can reprogram someone with trauma like some ye olde MK ULTRA shit, right, ok, let's do a brief rundown of this scene, it's 6 v 6 but Yara and her men stay with Reek rather than mercing these 6 as fast as they can and obviously in real life this would be more tricky but this is retard TV land where this works so they don't think to just knock Reek out and drag him out he's being so uncooperative, and even though the Ironborn have chainmail and shields and are supposedly the "best killers of the iron islands" they lose the same number as men only wearing leather uniforms with no shields, and even though Ramsey is FUCKING SHIRTLESS no one can touch him, despite him literally standing there laughing like a moron as he comically whacks one Ironborns shield over and over again as there's an Ironborn behind him and beside him never mind the guy with the sword deflecting his predictably blows, why doesn't Yara just throw a fucking axe at this guy who she hates? or at least at the end, when some fucking how Ramsey and his men get between Yara and her men, when for some reason they let Ramsey stand there meming, taking out a key and very slowly and obviously unlocking his dog kennels they do nothing even though his men are behind him and he just put away his weapons and it'd be hugely adventurous for their war effort to take out their enemies most effective enforcer? and then who cares if he lets his dogs out? yeah big dogs are scary when you're unarmed but a human can easily kill a dog if they have a fucking axe and swords and you'd think these guys who are their best killers would have already killed the dogs to stop them from barking anyway never mind it makes no sense that they are getting chased by fucking hunting dogs but... make it all the way back to their boats? wouldn't the castle be flooded with guards looking for them? what a fucking lame resolution, they literally sailed around the entire continent on this spec ops mission to save her brother and just... leave him? because one shirtless autist and two guards let some dogs out their cages? I waited 6 episodes for this? at least mercy kill Reek since he's obviously suffering immensely if you're too useless to extract him, I know it's meant to drive home how hopeless the situation for Reek is that not only has his most obvious chance of freedom failed, his sister trying to save him, but he's so fucked in the head he won't even dare try to leave with his own sister, but that was really fucking contrived and trying hard for making Ramsey seem le ebin badass not to mention the concluding beat that Reek isn't himself after having his fucking penis cut off and being in the custody of a family known to skin people alive some sad twist Yara is realizing and not the blatantly obvious situation she'd find him in which just makes her look fucking moronic even though we've she's been established as the most capable commander the Ironborn have
then there's a scene where Ramsey is using his dog training techniques we saw with him letting them eat the girl they were hunting on Reek where he gives him a reward, with confuses Reek as he's never gotten one, and Ramsey explains "those creatures who came in the night they wanted to take you away and you didn't let them, you remained loyal" and Reek insists "I didn't want them to take me! I was so scared I didn't want-" and Ramsey gets tired of his pathetic pleading expecting this is yet another trick and he's going to be punished so he tells him "yes Reek" and walks up to the terrified twisting man and friendly tells him "it's a bath, for you, remove those rags" and Reek stares in utter confusion at his owner who has to order "now!" as if he's talking to a dog so Reek struggles to take his ratty shirt off revealing... his entire torso is covered in knife scars and his back with lash scars and one of his nipples entirely scared over and Ramsey stares at his body wide eyed as if he's looking upon an intimate lover and he insists "breaches too Reek, take them off" and Reek still managing to feel humiliation takes his pants down and Ramsey gets an almost innocent looking smile as he sees his handy work and then points to the bath tub and Reek limps over to tit not knowing what to do so just hops in and is amazed to be feeling a pleasant sensation but when Ramsey approaches he freezes like a deer in the headlights in case he's doing something wrong by enjoying something and braces himself to be terrorized and starts shaking and twitching as Ramsey sits down and whimpers pathetically as he puts a rag in the water but it's just to clean him and Reek gasps in automatic fear but then confusion as he runs the rag down his back carefully and he asks "do you love me Reek?" and Reek looks up and with seemingly genuine feelings says "yes of course my lord" as if he knows the right response and he's been doing nothing but regulating his thoughts however this man wants him to for a year so loving him is far easier than living in constant terror
and Ramsey goes "good" with a :3 face as if that makes him genuinely happy and he's not just training Reek like a dog so he's even less likely to do a runner and he intensely looks at him and says "because I need you to do something for me, something VERY important, there's a castle you see, some bad men hold this castle, I need your help to take this castle back" and Reek looks confused as to how a dog like him could be of use and murmurs "but how could I..." and Ramsey explains like hes explaining to a kid "I need you to play a role, to pretend to be someone you're not" and Reek curls up terrified it's some sick test and goes with the best option, whatever Ramsey wants, and asks "pretend to be who?" and Ramsey gets a huge psycho smile that what he's about to say is effectively true "Theon Greyjoy" oh boy it's almost like both Reek and Ramsey are extremely important to the Bolton war effort and Yara could have won it for the Ironborn if she'd killed at least one of them oooh wellll, anyway, this scene really drove up the homoerotic subtext and after the illusion was shattered from the Cersei/Jaime consensual-even-though-it's-clearly-not-sex-scene that these writers know what the fuck they are doing I would choose to read into this interaction that since Reek is clearly a psychopath, doesn't get any approval at all from his father other than what he can withhold to manipulate him and doesn't seem to actually care that much about his girlfriend this is the closest relationship he has to a fulfilling one, he'll never genuinely connect with another human being, so this is his version of emotional intimacy, to completely and utterly control someone else until he's in charge of their every thought and feeling, and he actually feels close to Reek almost like a romance where their emotions are intertwined in a fucked up way since he's had the most fun with him than anyone else, and since he has zero empathy Reek being fucking miserable obviously is no deterrent but half the enjoyment, which is truly tragic in a deeply unsympathetic way if that's the intention and it's not just le crazy man le acts le gayand it would also get my fucking dick hard if Ramsey and Myranda would only switch place so I could fap to these scenes pretending to be Reek as my ultimate porn, but unfortunately I am cursed with being straight
anyway then we see some young goat hearder walking with his goats to a river and they feast on the grass as he casually tosses rocks in and presumably his father is there too bringing more goats along when the boy hears one of his rocks hit something odd and he looks down and fucking bricks it as THE BLACK-RED DRAGON COMES FLYING UP FROM THE CLIFF, NOW WITH ITS BODY THE SIZE OF A FUCKING CAR
jesus fucking christ, that scared me, and also another interesting take on how a dragon would hunt, obviously if it had fire breath it could use that to easily instakill it's prey for quickly acquiring it, then in Meereen the adult herder has gotten a meeting with Dany who is sitting inside a throne room at the top of the Great Pyramid and Missy gives her absolutely insane title drop meme and Dany assures him "don't be afraid my friend" and he slowly walks forward and explains through Missy what her dragons did and lays down a sack of his heards bones and says he has nothing now so Dany says through her that she'll compensate him their value three times over so the man gives his thank yous, packs up his sheep bones and scurries off, not going to be so easy when they eat a fucking person your pets kill you daft cunt, then some higher class twat turns up, who I guess survived the kill your masters fad, and tries to butter her up with compliments and she forces a smile for him as he talks about how his father was a great architect who built all the great land marks in the city and she politely says she'd be honored to meet him and he says "you have, Your Grace... YOU CRUCIFIED HIM" oooh awkwaaaaaaard and Dany's expression turns to horror as if she didn't realize... you know... the people she horrifically tortured to death might have familys and this man bravely says "I pray you'll never live to see a member of your family treated so cruelly" lmao this bitch let her own brother have his brain melted by molten gold
and Dany gets super defensive and whines "your father crucified innocent children" and the man replies "my father spoke out AGAINST crucifying those children, he decried it as a criminal act but was over ruled, is it justice to answer one crime with another?" I'm glad Dany is finally getting some consequences, or at least seeing them, for her retarded actions but this just points out how fucking unhinged she is that she didn't give seconds thought to fucking crucifying 637 people or whatever the number was and is now shook to meet their sons, like it's either really really shit writing or she's literally schizophrenic like her father and doesn't understand how reality functions, and she autistically says "I am sorry you no longer have a father but my treatment of the masters was no crime, you'd be wise to remember that!" and the man assures her "what is done is done, you are the queen and I am a servant of Meereen, a servant who does not wish to see its traditions eradicated" and Dany looks concerned that this guy seems so sympathetic but worries hes talking about slavery or some shit but he explains "of funeral rite, proper burial in the Temple of the Graces, my father and 162 noble Meereenese are still nailed to those posts, carrion for vultures, rotting in the sun" and Dany looks super shook at the prospect of having to admit her victims were loved and he gets down on his knees and begs "Your Grace I asked that you order these men taken down so that they might receive proper burials" and Dany whines back like she's going to cry "and what of the slave children these NOBLE Meereenese crucified? they were rotting in the sun as well, would you have begged me for their right to a proper burial?" and this guy is a good debater and concedes "Your Grace, I cannot defend the actions of the masters I can only speak to you as a son who loved my father, let me take his body down, let me take his body to the temple and bury him with dignity so that he may find peace in the next world" so Dany gives in and lets him bury his father so he steps down respectfully leaving her already emotionally drained and she feebly asks "how many more?" and Missy says "there are 212 supplicants waiting Your Grace" and she cant fucking believe it, despite ruling over a city of what must be at least a million people and having left behind 3 other cities of probably the same amount in chaos, what an insane thot lmao also I noticed the one Dothraki guard there lmao why are they even still there, the last Dothraki character was like her handmaiden, I think? who she merced in Qarth, if this storyline wasn't total fanfiction a good thing would be that there is a main character from each group she conquers, but there's no Dothraki speaking roles and the slaves from Yunkai have no representation, we never saw what happened to their King and neither do the slaves from here but maybe that rich guy will make a reappearance to add some variety to this dumb shit
then at Oberyn's first Small Council meeting he is already bored and bothering Varys, Pycelle and Marg's father who claims he's the Master of Ships now as Cersei paces around nervously almost as if she's thinking about something bad that happened to her recently hmmmm but I guess it's something else since this is the alternate dimension and when Tywin turns up Mace Tyrell tries to thank him but he just completely ignores him as he's a useless baaaaaytuuuh maaaaaale he just talks over him about how the trial is today so they need to be brief and Varys tells him that The Hound has been spotted and Oberyn perks up as that's the brother of his arch nemesis and Cersei just handwaves him "a coward and a traitor" but Varys updates that he's slaughtered five of their soldiers "I believe the phrase "fuck the king" was uttered" and suggests a 10 silver stag bounty for him, haven't caught on to what the currency in Westeros is yet I assume this is better than gold dragons but maybe not, but Tywin makes it 100, then Varys updates him on Dany occupying Meereen, her current forces, advisers and, of course, dragons, and Cersei tries to handwave them as "baby dragons" and Pycelle asks if Jorah is still /ourguy/ but Varys tells them he's devoted to her now, thus is the power of the beta orbiter, I'm sure that'll come out to Dany at some stage to be a big drama that he used to spy on her, and that Barry seems to have a grudge against them, who Cersei insults as a useless old man, but Tywin says "Joffrey didn't die on his watch, dismissing him was as insulting as it was stupid" and Cersei refuses to care about "a child halfway across the world" but Varys does and Oberyn sighs as he's actually finding himself contributing to his enemies efforts and agrees, warning them of the Unsullied power (but less so in the bedroom, lmao) and Tywin dismisses "dragons haven't won a war in 300 years, armies win them all the time, she must be dealt with" and Pycelle asks how but Tywin gets Varys to send his birds into Meereen and then he sends Mace to get him quill and paper who rushes off to do so as if he's just a servant lmao but he keeps his chin up trying to maintain his dignity
then we see Varys looking almost lonely as he stares at the Iron Throne by himself without CIA there who took the banter a bit too far and isn't his epic master plan buddy anymore and it seems like they have filled the throneroom up with furniture for the trial to take place there, intense, and Oberyn walks in who talks to Varys about how he's not actually a Lord... yet everyone calls him that and he just shrugs his shoulders like he can't apologize for being a Real Nigga and then starts grilling him about his time in Essos and Oberyn claims he spent five years there just to live his life to the fullest and not live and die in the same town he was born in like everyone else and Varys points out that everyone else isn't a prince as he probably resents all these rich cunts who think they're special for doing whatever they want when it's just accident of birth and it's that no one else can afford to and Oberyn chuckles and then clocks him as from Essos ... Lys to be specific, much to Varys surprise since he claims to have lost his accent, but Oberyn "has an ear for that as well" and he starts teasing Varys for not sharing his origins but he says he only tells people he trusts, which I guess means he trusts Tyrion if that story was even true, and he invites Varys to meet his (primary) lover and have some fun with their boys, asking if he liked boys before... but Varys just shakes his head as he stares this guy down trying to get inside his head, with Oberyn playing it off as just making assumptions based on his effeminate mannerisms but also trying to needle him for insecurities and regrets and details on his loss, but Varys adds "I was never interested in girls either" and the proudly bi Oberyn looks confused "what then? everyone is interested in something" and Varys calmly says "nothing, when I see what desire does to people, what it's done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it" and Oberyn looks shook as he realizes this guy is talking mad shit about what he's based his entire life around and is probably right as that's the drive that's probably going to get him killed in this city, and while you could read this as Varys saying he's asexual I think it's more that he was castrated before he hit puberty so never had any sexual urgers which maybe explains his whole lifestyle and life mission, as a coping mechanism for having that taken from him, she he's become a very aloof person focused on the greater good rather than the interpersonal drama of sexual and family life to try to feel like he's better off, and he pushes on Oberyn being the insecure one now "beside, the absence of desire leaves one free to peruse other things" and he asks "such as?" and Varys just looks at the Iron Throne like what's poppin fam? dis how we do and casually walks off leaving Oberyn amazed that he, the great lover and adventurer, just got out-alpha-dogged by a eunuch
then we see Jaime anxiously looking through Tyrion's new cell door and when he walks in in his full Kingsguard armor Tyrion memes "let me guess, I've been pardoned?" but then the other guards put him in handcuffs and he's like "really?" and Jaime sadly tells him "father's orders" and Tyrion quips "well... we mustn't disappoint father"... and then we see him being marched by the guards into the throneroom that's packed full of the most influential family's on the benches and Tommen is on the Iron Throne with his grandfather beside him with a stand for Tyrion to defend himself from and a man in the audience calls "kingslayer!" but not at Jaime for once as the guards cuff Tyrion to the stand so he can't try to do a runner and then Tommen awkwardly stands up after a look from his grandfather causing everyone else to stand up as the trial begins... A DEADLY JUDGEMENT... A DEADLY DECEPTION... A DEADLY BETRAYAL... A DEADLY RIDDLE, A DEADLY DEFENCE, A DEADLY FAITH... A DEADLY... ROYAL TRIAL!!! (yes that is an anime visual novel reference gas me)
and the first epic powermove of the day is as the 10 year old King gives his tittle drop memes and TOMMEN RECUSES HIMSELF FROM THE TRIAL AND APPOINTS TYWIN AS HIS JUDGE! wait I guess that wasn't an epic twist as we already knew he'd be judge along with Oberyn and Mace, but someone in the crowd gasped so I guess it wasn't public knowledge and they thought Tyrion would be debating a 10 year old lmao, and he finishes his statement with "if found guilty... may the gods punish the accused" with everyone knowing what that really means and then Tommen just walks out the room with his bodyguards as Jaime gives him a nod that he did well and everyone sits down as Tywin, Oberyn and Mace sit down, and Tyrion starts off by saying "Tyrion of House Lannister, the Queen Reagent has accused you of Regicide, did you kill King Joffrey?" and Tyrion shrugs and says "no" and Tywin can tell his son is already trying to get under his skin acting like a flippant fool and adds already rustled "did your wife Lady Sansa?" and Tyrion rolls his eyes and says "not that I know of" and Tywin starts fishing for mistakes from his son seeing if he reveals too much information he shouldn't know or some such "how would you say he died then?" and Tyrion jokes "choked on his pigeon pie?" and Jaime looks at him shocked like he's not taking this seriously and Tywin steels himself against his sons provocations and asks "so you'd blame the bakers?" and Tyrion moans "or the pigeons, just leave me out of it" and the crowd murmurs at his insolence and Tywin hollers "the crown may call it's first witness!" and Joffrey's head bodyguard gets up on an auxiliary stand and gives his testimony about the day of the riot and how "the imp rounded on him, he slapped the king across the face and he called him a vicious idiot and a fool" as the crowd gasps at the drama that goes on behind the scenes they never hear about and he goes on about how he threatened him on these very steps calling him a halfwit, suggested he meet the same fate as the Mad King and threatened to have the bodyguard killed, all true lmao, and Tyrion, who's now sitting in his stand as if he knows this is all a sham and they'll find him guilty one way or another, yells "oh why don't you tell them what Joffrey was doing? pointing a loaded crossbow at Sansa Stark while you tore her clothes and beat her?" and Tyrion screams "SILENCE! you will not speak unless called upon" and dismisses Ser Meryn who gives Tyrion an evil glance but both those events happened in front of groups of other staff so it'd probably just make things worse if Tyrion tried to deny them
and then Pycelle takes the witness stand and reads out "Basilisk venom, widow's blood, wolfsbane, essense of nightshade, sweetsleep, tears of Lys, demon's dance, blindeye" and Oberyn makes him stop listing the poisons he has but Pycelle makes his point "HAD, Ser Oberyn, my stores were plundered!" and Tywin asks "by whom?" and uuuuuuh ooooooh Pycelle turns to his small enemy and drops "the accused, Tyrion Lannister, after he had me falsely imprisoned!" and Tywin asks "Grand Maester, you examined King Joffrey's corpse, was it without question poison that killed him?" and Pycelle insists "without question!" and the crowd gasps as Pycelle takes out from his slevee... Sansa's necklace! and says "this was found on the body of Dontos Hollard, the king's fool, he was last seen spiriting Sansa Stark, the wife of the accused, away from the feast, she wore this necklace the day of the wedding, residue of the most rare and terrible poison was found inside"n-nani?! last we saw it CIA destroyed it on his ship, which means he purposefully placed it on his body and then had the body dumped where it would be found near the capital, which might not mean that that wasn't really the method of assassination and that he wasn't really involved, but it probably means he's framing Tyrion since he's one of his biggest rivals and the easiest fall guy, and obviously everyone will suspect him even more if it was his wife's necklace that did it, and Tywin asks "is this one of the poisons stolen from your store?" and Pycelle reveals "it was, the strangler, a poison few in the Seven Kingdoms possess, and used to strike down the most noble child the gods ever put on this good Earth!" as he glares at Tyrion finally getting his revenge for him fucking him about and imprisoning him and the crowd all gasps, also interesting side-note I guess they call their planet Earth too
and Jaime looks despondent as he realizes his brother is dying tonight, and then it's oh boo hoo hoo Cersei's turn on the witness stand testifying as to Tyrion's edgy threat against her, which would be an interesting testimony to read if she'd just been raped by her other brother as she'd have even more motivation to kill Tyrion besides thinking he really did it, to hurt her rapist who she was just pointing out how he pities their brother, but oooh welll and Mace, the dumbass brainlet who can't keep track of all these layers of bias and lies, asked shocked "your own brother said this to you?" as his own playnice family would never say something like that to each others faces and Cersei tears up and claims it was because she was confronting over his plans to put Joffrey on the front lines which everyone knows is true too so it makes it look like he's been trying to get Joffrey killed for ages, and then says their argument was over him taking whores to his office, which everyone also probably knows is true, and Tyrion looks down mad as he knows she's got him, and Mace thanks her for her testimony as Marg and Loras look annoyed at what a fucking idiot their father is falling for her careful manipulations
and then it's time for... Varys to take the stand who is testifying on Tyrion's threat to Joffrey at the Small Council meeting when he called him a monster and Varys frames it as Tyrion being angry that Robb Stark died, "perhaps his marriage to Sansa Stark made him more sympathetic to the Northern cause" and the crowd gasps in appalled surprised to hear this may not just be an interpersonal dispute but a political betrayal for their enemies and Tyrion mad dogs Varys who's throwing him under the bus, or carriage in this setting, hmmm what's going on here, I supposed Varys knows he's doomed so he might as well make sure Tywin keeps thinking he's completely loyal to him, who excuses him, but Tyrion asks to be able to ask the witness one question, and his father allows him "one" so he starts on Varys "you once said that without me this city would have faced certain defeat, you said the histories would never mention me but you would not forget, have you forgotten, Lord Varys?" and Vays smiles to him sympathetically and assures him "sadly, my Lord, I never forget a thing" and then bows to the king, making it seem to the public that he's testifying against him over some rivalry, but really I think he's trying to tell him he still respects him, or perhaps has some plan up his sleeve to save his ass as he really does consider him important for the well being of the greater good, and Tyrion looks after him hoping it's the latter, and then Tywin adjourns the trial and clears the court to be resumed in an hours time, and Cersei gives Jaime an angry look and he rushes to leave, another thing that would be better to read with a bit of the ol rape but whatever
and then Jaime speaks to Tywin as he rushes to eat his lunch "you'd condemn your own son to death?" but he's playing it like he's neutral and says "I've condemned no one, the trial is not over" and Jaime calls out "this isn't a trial this is a farce, Cersei has manipulated everything and you know it" as she's probably got most of these witnesses under her control, we know she does Pycelle at least from him being the first to fail Tyrion's quest and her being so easily threatened by her at the wedding feast, and Tywin insists "I've know nothing of the sort" and his son accuses "you've always hated Tyrion" and it gets to Tywin who raises his voice "he killed his king!" and Jaime yells back "as did I! do you know the last order the Mad King gave me? to bring me your head! I saved your life so you could murder my brother?" and Tywin just ignores that and claims "it wont be murder it'll be justice, I'm performing my sworn duty as Hand of the King if Tyrion is found guilty he will be punished accordingly" and Jaime forces him to face "he'll be executed" but Tywin yells "no he'll be punished accordingly!" as he tries to keep from emotionally accepting what's going to happen and Jaime can sense his weakness for the first time in his life and pounces "once you said "family is what lives on - all that lives on", you told me about a dynasty that would last 1000 years, what happens to your dynasty when Tyrion dies? I'm a Kingsguard, forbidden by oath to carry on the family line" presumably as a security method so no one can kidnap his kids and force him to betray his duty and Tywin growls "I'm well aware of your oath" and Jaime keeps pushing "what happens to your name? who carries the lion banner into future battles? your nephews? LANCEL Lannister? others who's names I don't even remember?" ultralis if Lancel ends up King, and Tywin fires back "what happens to my dynasty if I spare the life of my grandson's killer?" and Jaime plays his hand "it survives... THROUGH ME, I'll resign from the Kingsguard, take my place as son and heir, if you let Tyrion live" and Tywin instantly says "DONE" and Jaime cant believe it's that easy and Tywin says "when the testimony's concluded and a guilty verdict rendered Tyrion will be given a chance to speak, he'll plead for mercy, I'll allow him to join the Night's Watch, in three days time he'll depart for Castle Black and live out the rest of his days on The Wall, you'll remove your white cloak immediately to assume your rightful place at Casterly rock, you will marry a suitable woman and father children named Lannister and you'll never turn your back on your family again" and Jaime looks stunned as he realizes... that was his fathers plan all along, and he was simply playing impartial and emotionally vulnerable... to manipulate him into promising to let him have his way and leave the Kingsguard lmaooooo fucking rekttt you alternate reality raper but Jaime just lets go of his shock and anger realizing it'll just make things worse for Tyrion if he calls his father out on his trick and gives in and confirms "you have my word" and Tywin hides a smile and says "and you have mine" but Jaime doesn't smile back as he's truly over his father's bullshit and doesn't think it's cool anymore, oof
then back in the throneroom the trial is gathering again and Jaime comes to whisper to Tyrion what's going to happen but he calls bullshit saying that's what Ned Stark was promised too, but there isn't time for Jaime to explain how they can trust their father so he just has to ask "do you trust me?" and Tyrion's out of options so just nods to him and Jaime asks of him "keep your mouth shut, no more outbursts, this will all be over soon" and Tyrion looks up at his father who stares back down at him smugly trying to discern if he'll really do right by him and seems to decide he's at his mercy so whatever he'll play nice and Tywin calls "the crown may call it's next witness" and Jaime looks around to see who it is and... oh shit... SHAE WALKS INTO THE COURTROOM!!!!! who I guess Cersei flipped somehow and Tyrion looks like he's been stabbed through the heart as she takes the stand and gives her name, swears honesty to the gods and makes the decision she's turning on Tyrion... but not entirely, she says she only knows him from being his wife's handmaiden, but she testifies "I know that he's guilty, he and Sansa planned it together" and the crowd all gasps and Tyrion sits down like this is worse than any death sentence as she goes on talking bullshit about how Sansa wanted revenge for her family and Tyrion was happy to help because he hated his family too and stole the poison from Pycelle and Oberyn asks "how could you possibly know all this?" and Shae the fucking BACKSTABBING CAG reveals "I wasn't just her maid... I was his whore" oh shit and Mace asks "I beg your pardon, you said you were his?" seemingly not knowing what she said and she is forced to repeat to the shocked crowd "HIS WHORE" and Tywin asks how she came to be in his service and... she tells the truth of how they first met at his army's camp, even quoting Tyrion's line "I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world" and THE CROWD ALL LAUGH AT TYRION who sits there fucking FUMING that this is how it ends, with another whore betraying him and the world laughing at how pathetic he is, and it gets so loud Tywin has to call for silence and asks if she did and Oberyn smiles at the mention of le sexxxx duuuude and presses her on it and she has to admit "I did everything he wanted, whatever he wanted me to do to him, whatever he wanted to do to me, I kissed him where he wanted, I licked him where he wanted, I let him put himself where he wanted, I was his property, I would wait in his chambers for hours so he could use me when he was bored, he ordered me to call him "my lion" so I did, I took his face in my hands and said "I am yours and you are mine"" and the crowd gasps at the salacious details and Tyrion has to physically bites his lips to stop himself from saying anything as his most intimate moments are turned into humiliating slander as to his whoring ways but he cant hold it back and lets out "Shae... please don't" begging to die with dignity but this roastie whore says "I AM A WHORE, remember? that was before he married Sansa, after that all he wanted was her, but she wouldn't let him into her bed, so he promised to kill King Joffrey for her!" and the crowd is all shocked and appalled
and Tyrion... can't take it anymore... and murmurs "father... I wish to confess... I WISH TO CONFESS" and he turns to the scintillated crowd and growls "I saved you, I saved this city, and all your worthless lives" and a lifetime of mockery and repressed venom overflows to the top, probably letting it happen to ensure the outcome he wants, as he snarls "I SHOULD HAVE LET STANNIS KILL YOU ALL"
and the crowd all yell at him in anger and Tywin calls "do you wish to confess?" and Tyrion smiles at his chance to fuck over his father one last time "yes father, I'M GUILTY, guilty, is that what you want to hear?" but here comes the big meme, Tywin asks "do you admit you poisoned the King?" and Tyrion memes "NO... of that I am innocent, I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime, I am guilty of being a dwarf" and Tywin cant help himself but smile at how stupid his son is and insists "you are not on trial for being a dwarf" but Tyrion sneers "oh but I am, I've been on trial for that my entire life!" and Tywin starts to get mad "have you nothing to say in your defence?" and his son turns to his daughter and yells "nothing but this... I did not do it, I DID NOT KILL JOFFREY BUT I WISH THAT I HAD! WATCHING YOUR VICIOUS BASTARD DIE GAVE ME MORE RELIEF THAN A THOUSAND LYING WHORES!!!"
and he turns to the appalled crowd and smiles "I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!" edgyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and he literally makes le problem officer? troll face
and the crowd all stand up and scream abuse at him and Tywin's worried it's chimp out time so orders Ser Myrin to "escort the prisoner back to his cell" but Tyrion growls "I will NOT give my life for Joffrey's murder and I know I'll get no justice here so I will let the gods decide my fate... I DEMAND A TRIAL BY COMBAT"
and the crowd all go apeshit screaming at him and everyone in the room looks absolutely shook and Tyrion glares at his father giving him one last big fuck you since he's either going to go entirely free with no The Wall duty or fuck his legacy up and die without getting Sansa pregnant alright that was pretty dank acting from our little friend but this trial by combat shit is retarded, like doesn't that just mean whoever can afford the best fighter would always go for that option? and if you can do it half-way through a trial just save it until it's clear you're fucked, but then again that's real life lmao, you can do whatever you want if you're rich enough to afford the best lawyers who'll make sure it never even gets to trial and you can kill and rape and steal and fake hate crimes all you want as long as you don't piss off someone richer than you like Martin Shkreli did
Game of Thrones 4x07: "Mockingbird" expedited divorce special edition
First aired: May 18, 2014
we open on Jaime ranting to Tyrion about how "I made a deal to keep your ungrateful head on your ungrateful neck a little while longer" but Tyrion refuses to accept a life on The Wall and claims this is all "a joke, just not a very funny one" and starts tearing up that he couldn't stand Shae lying about him anymore and Jaime just rolls his eyes "you fell in love with a whore?" and Tyrion admits it and thinks Shae never really loved him and explain to Jaime that the deal he made with Tywin is exactly what he wants, Jaime as his heir and Tyrion shipped off somewhere else, and that's why Tyrion wanted to take that from him, and Jaime says he'd sacrifice any of them but Tyrion disagrees saying "you could kill a Ling, lose a hand, fuck your own sister, you'll always be the golden son" lmaoooooo and Jaime snaps "careful! I'm the last friend you've got" and Tyrion soothes himself by saying "at least I got to tell them what they really are" but Jaime isn't impressed and Tyrion says "don't give up on me yet" and throws some desperate shade at Jaime for not being there for his last trial by combat and Jaime breaks the bad news that he can't do this one either as his training is not coming along enough and Tyrion jokingly tries to talk him into it by saying how funny it'd be to see the look on fathers face if he dies trying anyway which finally gets a laugh out of Jaime but then they look at each other like if only they had more time together as they get on so well now like brothers should and both get sad and Tyrion suggests maybe Bronn can fight for him and asks Jaime to get him and then ponders who Cersei, as the accuser, will select as her champion and he says "I hope it's Ser Meryn Trant, I'd enjoy watching Bronn disembowel that pompous child beater" but Jaime gets a shook look on his face and says "no... not Ser Meryn..." and just stares at him until Tyrion realizes... oh god NO
and to answer this question immediately we cut to THE MOUNTAIN SKEWERING A MAN THROUGH THE CHEST WITH HIS SWORD AND EFFORTLESSLY LIFTING HIM UP INTO THE AIR and we get our first look at the third actor to play this character uhh I'm gonna be copy and pasting this one Hafţór Júlíus Björnsson, who's a relative manlet compared to the last seven foot and seven foot one guys standing "only" at 6 foot 9 inches, lmao 69 XD, but unlike the last two guys to play him who were a chunky wrestler and a lanky basketball player this dude is a professional strongman so he might be four inches shorter but he's definitely got the best wide as fuck hyper muscled body so far for the role that really looks like a dude who can just tank anyone and tear them apart, although the dude's face isn't as made for maddogging as the other two guys so he looks a bit too much like a big cuddly bear that he seems to be IRL so he's less evil seeming unfortunately, I take it these actors change a lot because while a big 7 foot fucker is a cool bad guy idea in reality if you are that tall you probably have lots of medical problems like joint injuries and growth hormone related illnesses that stop you from working regularly lmao
and Cersei looks down with a smug smile as she watches how this is how The Mountain trains... BY FORCING PRISONERS TO ATTACK HIM SO HE CAN EFFORTLESSLY CLEAVE THEM APART WITH HIS MAN-SIZED SWORDEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 83
and as The Mountain stomps forward with huge crashing steps the other prisoners try to run but the guards hold them in place and the next guy up realizes he has no chance on this dude who's like a food and a half and 300lbs bigger than him so just drops his weapon and gets down on his knees and begs for mercy but that ain't work with this motherfucker and Cersei walks into the training grounds as THE MOUNTAIN HACKS THIS MAN COWERING ON THE GROUND APART IN A BLOODTHIRSTY FURY spraying blood all over his naked chest
and Cersei walks up and fearlessly says "Ser Gregor, welcome to the capital, thank you for riding here so quickly" and The Mountain just stares at her as if people are nothing but walking bags of meat to him like he's looking at some random sheep that wandered up to him and she compliments "you seem to be in good form" but The Mountain knows the only reason anyone talks to him and just grumbles "who am I fighting?" and Cersei asks glad to have this dude on their payroll "does it matter?", since she doesn't know yet and doesn't want to lose his interest, and The Mountain just shakes his head once like it's all the same to him, just another bursting body in a sea of thousands, ohhh shit, this dude rules
then we find his brother and Arya riding through the countryside when they come upon a burnt out building and he grumbles "could be food?" but she replies "could be soldiers" and they go down anyway to find a the farmer that's been raided sitting there bleeding to death painfully and when Arya tries to help him but the man can't walk and his huts gone anyway and The Hound asks who they were but the man says "I stopped asking a while ago" implying he was getting raided constantly so he just kneels down and tells him "that's not going to get better, a bad way to go, haven't you had enough?" and the man reacts instinctively to protect himself still and plays dumb with "of what?" but then admits his situation "I know, time to go, time to take matters into my own hands, the thought has occurred to me" and Arya asks "so why go on?" and the man just shrugs "habit..." and Arya seems more curious than anything about the limits of a mans will and asks "nothing could be worth than this?" and the man reveals his lack of faith "maybe nothingis worse than this" but Arya gets her euphoric fedora shit out and says "nothing isn't better or worse than anything... nothing is just nothing" and he forces his head up to look this fucked up girl in the eye and asks "who are you?" and she says "my name is Arya... Arya Stark" and he asks "you her father?" and The Hound has no need to lie to a dead man so admits "her captor, bringing her to her aunt for ransom" and the man starts saying "a fair exchange that is, always held to the fairest exchange in all my dealings... you give me, I give you... fair... a balance... no balance any more" and starts groaning and asks "can I have a drink? dying is thirsty work" and they do the dumb NCFOM meme of prolonging a dying mans suffering by giving him water but I guess he's gonna bleed out soon anyway and he grumbles "wish it were wine" and The Hound says "so do I" and THE HOUND PLUNGES HIS KNIFE INTO HIS CHEST and the man looks up in surprise and The Hound just nods to him like it's better to die when you can't see it coming as the man smiles his troubles are over and drops his head down dead
and he casually wipes his knife off on his shirt and tells Arya "that's where the heart is" and Aya surprisingly doesn't bitch as The Hound puts his knife away and says "that's how you kill a man"BUT A DUDE JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE ON TOP OF HIM BITING HIS EAR AND THE HOUND INSTANTLY SNAPS HIS FUCKING NECK
and starts moaning in pain at his bloody ear and he turns around to see the mans friend with a sword and he just snarls "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" at him as if he's just another annoyance and not obviously trying to murder him and the man lowers his sword mad their chance of surprise is over and tells him "there's a price on your head" and The Hound mutters to himself "guess that's what the king does when you tell him to fuck off" as he checks how bad the blood on his ear is and the bounty hunter tells him "the King's dead, he drank poisoned wine at his own wedding, the bounty on you is for killing Lannister soldiers" this is literally like a WRPG video game's consequences system lol and our two heroes share a happy glance at the news but then Arya recognises the man as "you were Yoren's prisoners when he was taking you to the to The Wall, he told me he'd fuck me bloody with a stick!" wow small world and The Hound mocks the man "this days really not working out the way you planned, he on your little list?" and Arya just stares blankly at him and says "he cant be, I don't know his name" so The Hound asks and he says "Rorge" and she says "thank you" and ARYA TAKES OUT NEEDLE AND INSTANTLY PUTS IT INTO HIS HEART ooooooooh and she takes it out letting his heart leak like a tap and he drops down dead as The Hound notes "you're learning" fucking badass dude hela epic
then at The Wall the other men hug Jon and his men as they return but the dickhead CO comes out rustled he survived and looks for an excuse to bust his balls and starts up on telling him to lock Ghost up threatening to put him in a stew if he does and Jon just gives in knowing they need to work together, then in the hall he gives them the update on Mance's army as the CO's bust his balls but Jon just cuts them off saying they need to block the tunnels much to the CO's disgust that he'd do something so cowardly but Jon's friend agrees they can't defend the gates against 100K men and when the CO refuses Jon just asks "you ever seen a giant? those gates wont stop them" and the CO just points out he's a steward so can't do shit about it and asks the First Builder what they should do expecting him to side with him but the dude is sitting there terrified of the situation but has to give in and say "no" and the crowd all laugh as the CO orders Jon and Sam they're on Wall duty... until the full moon when the Wildlings are meant to attack
then we see Bronn coming to visit Tyrion in his cell and he's wearing some super fashionable new clothes including a flashy cape which triggers Tyrion's bullshit alarm and Tyrion explains he's getting ready to marry Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrion instantly can tell "so when my sister arranged this... love match, did she mention Lollys has an older sister?" explaining to Bronn that she'll get the inheritance before him, but cutthroat Bronn points out "unless she perishes before her father" ooof and Tyrion looks at him like he's shocked and Bronn just memes "what? ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time" and Tyrion gives him the biggest insult he can "you and my sister deserve each other, why did you even come here?" and Bronn's here to shake him down asking for that double-the-price he said he'd pay him if anyone ever tried to pay him to betray him, especially considering he's going up against The Mountain, but Tyrion has no access to his funds so promises some of his new wife's territory to him but Bronn memes that he doesn't like the cold so Tyrion tries insulting his masculinity asking "does he frighten you that much?" but Bronn's too streetsmart for that and says "I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me, he's freakish big and freakish strong, and quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size... maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired of hacking at me he's dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow... but one misstep and I'm dead, why should I risk it?" and Tyrion begs "because I'm your friend" but Bronn asks "aye you're my friend, but when have you ever risked your life for me? I like you, pampered little shit that you are, but I like myself more, sorry it has to be this way" but Tyrion says "what have you to be sorry about? that you're an evil bastard with no conscience? that's what I liked about you in the first place" and puts out his hand for Bronn to shake and Bronn looks down with a bit if guilt in his eyes but takes his hand and shakes it and says "we had some good days together" and Tyrion says "yes we did" but refuses to let go of his hand as he's so scared and Bronn has to peel it away but as he goes to leave he asks "what will you do?" and Tyrion quips "I suppose I'll have to kill The Mountain myself! won't that make for a great song?" and Bronn looks at him seriously like he can't laugh at a time like this and just tells him "I hope to hear them sing it one day" and leaves awkwardly
then in the pyramid slave city Dany comes back to her room to find... Daario has climbed in through her window, absolutely ebin, and she looks like she's about to call for a guard but remembers she has a oneitis forcefield that turns any man into a pathetic beta orbiter and he gives her some flowers he "swam to an island a mile off shore for" and she gives them back saying "don't do that again" big yikes and big cringe my mate and basically tells him to fuck off and he realizes he's pushing his luck so turns up the Nice Guy™ shit and kneels to swear his loyalty and he admits he's bored not being able to chase kills or women and she tries to tell him his men are patrolling the streets to stop revenge killings but it's really the women he's hungry for... specifically her, this guy is suddenly so fucking cringy with this actor lmao he is instantly a dogshit obnoxious character, he goes from some ROY4L looking Chad acting beast who'd steal your girl to some junky seeming sad scumbag who'd steal your phone who's clearly going to do some dumb shit like start a fight he thinks he can solve for Dany that gets people killed and he begs Dany to give him a mission to prove he'll do anything for her and she casually pours herself some wine and says "very well, do what you do best........... take off your clothes" while looking at him with a predatory stare oh my and he smiles that he's finally getting that dragon-ass and starts stripping for her as she looks over all his scars and then makes no apologies staring at his benis with Emilia Clark doing ah uh very bad job of hiding how awkward she is irl lmao, I get that this is meant to be showing how empowered Dany is becoming that she's now the one who objectifies men and has this guy at her mercy but in reality and in a non-dogshit story this guy would have no actual respect for her and just consider it a challenge to seduce her and will lose interest after he fucks her and if his characterization didn't go straight to dogshit as soon as this shit actor took over what this impulsive hedonistic nihilist would do is betray her immediately after just for a fun challenge after he's completed his last whim or and if this was an interesting story it'd turn out he'd been hired by one of her enemies to break her heart to throw her off her game or something but I'm sure it'll be fine and maybe the best we'll get out of it is Jorah being a salty cuckboy about it
then we see Stannis' wife walking in on the Red Lady taking a bath and I'm sure she left the door unlocked so this would happen on purpose and she gets the plain woman to hand her a blue vile making sure to big up how dangerous another one is and she sprinkles it into her bath and huffs it like it's some dank ass jenkem and the wife looks into a firepit anxiously and the Red Lady sees that and claims that Allah spoke to her and said "tonight you'll have your last good bath in a long while, make it count" uhhh yeah kind of loses the magic when you directly quote a deity saying something so mundane lmao and when she sees the woman staring at her blankly she backpedals "a joke" and they share n awkward chuckle and the woman apologizes and says "humor isn't my strength" idk you've played a funny prank on your husband keeping his stillborn sons in jars for years and the Red Lady says some dumb shit about how "that's because most jokes are lies and you're devoted to the truth" and says some dodgy shit about how lies aren't always best avoided and then gets out the bath right in front of her and admits "most of these powders potions are lies, deceptions to make men think they witnessed our Lord's power" and once they convert they realize that wasn't his true power, and she explains her potions, one that produces a huge flame, one that produces scary black smoke and an aphrodisiac she slips in men's wine hmmmm probably used that one on Gentry and the wife ogles her ass, probably out of jealous than her own lust, and asks hopefully "did you use it on Stannis?" but she frankly says "no, dont be upset, men never crave what they already have, it's only flesh, it needs what it needs" and takes hold of her face like she shouldn't care what she looks like and the woman reiterates her faith more to herself than to her claiming she always supports the woman who fucks her devoted husband and she tells her that he wants to bring their daughter but she doesn't want her to as she's not a true believer and the Red Lady takes her hands and starts bigging her up how she is strong enough to see Allah's truth by herself and gets her to look into the fire and tells her "when we set sail your daughter must be with us... the Lord needs us" yep bitch getting sacrificed
then we see Daavos awkwardly bumping into Jorah on his way out The Morning After™ and very uncharasmatically tells him "are you here to see our queen? she's in a good mood!" but when he walks in on her studying her maps she's looking a bit concerned as if she regrets it and Jorah gets his jealous cuckboy friendzone act started and she just points out he fought for Golden Company mercs but he warns her that maybe Daario will kill her next like his last captains so he says "that's why I'm sending him and the Second Sons to retake Yunkai" much to Jorah's happiness but he hides his true feelings and advises her without her there "the masters will simply bide their time" inb4 edgy shit about how she's just ordered them all dead aaaaah yes "that's why I've ordered Daario to execute every master in Yunkai" lovely jubbly and I'm sure a bunch of slaves who have only ever done the same one menial task their entire lives without being educated on anything can run a massive city by themselves and they won't all starve and turn on each other or anything like that almost like it needs to be a more gradual process than "just kill them lmao" for the best outcome and Dany rants with a deadpan voice "they tear babes from their mothers arms, they mutilate little boys by the thousands, they train little girls in the art of pleasuring old men, they treat men like beasts" woah Dany let's not talk to much trash on modern day Americans! but Jorah points out she's no better and needs to show the slaves a better example and ever sassy Dany folds her arms and says "and repay the slavers with what? kindness? a fine? a stern warning?" as if he's a teenage girl daddy is telling she can't have a new dog and she's getting huffy and Jorah tries to explain "it's tempting to see your enemies as evil, all of them, but there's good and evil on both sides in every war every fought" which is 100% true, funny that it has literally and unironically become taboo in american politics to not have the binary thinking of being a either on the entirely good team or the entirely bad team as there's only two possible opinions from their retarded two party system and criticising more than one side of anything is considered phony posturing where you have to be either an alt-righter or SJW and if you don't pick a side (coincidentally their side) or you are a useful dupe for the bad guys who is going to kill millions of people by helping fascism/communism, this black and white thinking is called "splitting" when mentally ill people do it btw but this is the entirety of Amerishit politics lmao when in reality Both Sides™ want you poor and dependent on them and Dany edgily says "let the priests argue over good and evil, slavery is real, I can end it and I will end it and those behind it" ok Miss ANTIFA and Jorah points out he once sold men into slavery and he wouldn't be there to help her today if Ned Stark had done to him what she wants to do to the masters of Yunkai which finally gets through to Dany so she appoints that guy who whined about his dead dad's funeral (who cares he's already dead lmao) as her ambassador to explain to the Yunkai what happened in Meereen and "the choice they have before them: they can live in my new world or they can die in their old" edgyyyy and then looks up at her with her baby blues knowing he can't say no and then tells him to go tell Daario of her chance of mind but then lets him tell him he changed her mind to keep him orbiting her despite being cucked by Chad
then with the edgy duo The Hound is trying to sew the bite mark on his shoulder, I guess not his ear, grumbling "rat cunt! fucking whore!" but Arya says he needs to burn the "bad bits" away but that's not exactly his thing as he grumbles "no fire!" and when she picks up a flaming stick from the fire to help him he stands up and screams "NO FIRE!" at her and she realizes how traumatized this poor man is and gives up and he starts ranting at her "shut up about it, shut up about everything, thanks to you I'm a walking bad of silver anywhere the Lannisters hold sway which is EVERYWHERE between where we are now and where we're going!" and keeps bitching about all his injuries saying it's not worth it and then he just sits there looking sad and then tells her "you say your brother gave you that sword? my brother gave me this!" pointing to his fucked up face and tells her the same story CIA told Sansa and the actor does a great job of making him replace into being a little boy explaining "he thought I stole one of his toys, I wasn't stealing it, just playing with it!" like it's still an unresolved argument, and it basically is since The Mountain has such a short temper he probably also is psychologically still a child because he's never had to mature from always being able get what he wants from his size and ruthlessness, he might seem like the ultimate man but he literally has a tantrum with Loras beats him at jousting smashing everything around him and then storms off in a huff when Rob orders him to stop fighting his brother, and Arya doesn't know what to say as he says "the pain was bad, the smell was worse, but the worst thing was that it was my brother who did it... and my father who protected him, told everyone my bedding caught fire" which is a typical abusive household thing, there's a main abuser but the people who help him do it by excusing it and covering it up as they're too embarrassed and scared to be honest about what's going on, and he sits there thinking how shit his life is and then asks her sadly "you think you're on your own?" maybe saying he's a lot more lonely than she is or that she's not alone in her suffering by a long shot and the best Arya can do for him is offer to help him sew it up so she pours wine on it and gets to work with him not even flinching
then at an inn a now respectful Brie is rewarding Pod with "a featherbed and a hot meal not cooked by you" lmao aww they're so cute together! and as she banters "just don't expect any silk undergarments, you're not working for your old Lord" Pod starts downing the wine like a mad cunt, a bad habit the aforementioned former boss forced on him, but she grabs the cup from him saying "don't get drunk!" and he sadly says "no m'Lady" and when she compliments the man serving them that the pork pie is wonderful we see IT'S HOT PIE, ARYA'S FAT FRIEND who chirps happily "thanks, I try my best" awwww, wait, this is too happy a scene, someone finna bout get raped soon I'm sure, and ol Hot Pie pulls up a chair and starts talking about his favorite subject, food, explaining his recipe as Pod looks concerned at Brie but they're both such nice people they just let this James Corden lookin, soundin, actin ass prattle on but when he asks Brie "nice armor, are you a knight?" she can't take anymore and condescendingly says "no" but he just goes off on another monologue about being from King's Landing too as Brie and Pod share another tired look and when he asks what they're doing there before he can go on another rant Brie starts describing Sansa extremely efficiently to him as she falls back on being mission orientated to cheer herself up from being annoyed and he stares at her gormlessly but then clicks when she mentions "Stark" and this dumb fat fuck catches himself and says "nah haven't heard anything like that, I heard they was all traitors!" and anxiously tries to leave but Brie can tell he knows something so tells him her mission and the nervous fat lad just keeps playing dumb
then the next day Pod and Brie are packing up to leave when he gives her a worried look, and Brie is rude to him saying he's not interesting enough to be offensive so just speak his peace, and he breaks down very correctly "the Lannister's want Sansa, they have money, people kill for money, we shouldn't be telling people we're searching for Lady Sansa" and she looks at her like damn, guess this kid does have some wits, but then Hot Pie comes out and asks for a word, and Brie begs "not about kidney pie", but he says he thinks she can be trusted.... so spills the tea sissss, that he met Arya, which Brie finds hard to believe, but when he says she was last heading up to the Night's Watch dressed like a boy which reminds him of her she realizes that fits the description I'm sure she got from Cat, and Brie asks what happened and when fatty starts up she insists "the quick version" so he gives her the quick rundown that includes the Brotherhood actually sold him to the inn lmao greedy cunts and that they also had a "big ugly fellow, foul mouth and a face like a half-burnt ham!" and Pod recognizes him as "The Hound" and fatty gives Brie a far better quality cookie wolf for Arya, awwwww, and Brie jokingly says to Pod "you were saying?" probably knowing full well they got extremely lucky to run across such a nice lad never mind a friend of Arya's
then walking through the woods Brie ponders "so, her mother's dead, grandfather's dead, Walder Frey is the new lord of Riverrun, the Brotherhood isn't going to Riverrun" and Pod deduces "they'll take her to the Eyrie m'lady" and gives her the quick rundown on the family tree much to Brie's surprise and he explains Lord Tyrion made sure I knew which house married which and who hated who" and Brie realizes "Sansa could be there too" I love these two since they're the nicest characters in the series who just want to serve their decent masters with honor and now they've actually explicitly got a mission to do rather than every other character who blunders through life caught up in whatever the latest drama is and then they come to a crossroads and she asks Pod "you sure about this?" and he admits "no" so she chooses her direction, I guess believing in him or that would be a wasted scene
then we see Tyrion being awoken in the night by a torchbearer, but it's not a guard harassing him... it's Oberyn who's of course joking about a spending time with "an absolutely stunning blonde" and Tyrion memes back "they have every kind of filth down here except the kind I like" but Oberyn reveals "your sister" lmao wrong brother to be making sex jokes about her to and Tyrion deadpans "oh" as Oberyn takes a seat and explains their discussion and his interpretation that she was trying to get him on her side... against him, maybe not even realizing it herself, and Tyrion explains "making honest feelings do dishonest work is one of her many gifts" but Oberyn can see through her bullshit and then jokes "it's rare to meet a Lannister who shares my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters!" but Tyrion isn't in a laughing mood and complains how happy Cersei will be when he hangs and Oberyn reveals that he was there when Tyrion was a baby as a young boy visiting his family and he talks about how disappointed he was hearing about "the monster that had been born to Tywin Lannister, a head twice the size of his body! a tail between his legs! claws! one red eye! the privates of both a girl and a boy!" and Tyrion quips "that would have made thing so much easier" lmao then you could get yourself pregnant like the black dude/girl on Misfits, and Oberyn would beg Cersei and Jaime to show him to him... and he was disappointed his head was just a bit big and his limbs a bit small and he complained "that's no monster Cersei, that's just a baby" but Cersei said "he killed my mother" and he says "she pinched your little cock so hard I thought she might pull it off until your brother made her stop" yikes EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 84 I love that little Cersei was still a cunt lmao and Tyrion cringes learning that his sister was abusing him even before he can remember and Cersei talked about how she hoped he'd die and Tyrion steels himself but cant help the tears welling up and says "well.... sooner or later Cersei gets what she wants" and Oberyn can tell how much being a Lannister has tormented him and wells up too and asks "and what about what I want? .....justice, for my sister and her children" and Tyrion laughs and says "if you want justice you've come to the wrong place!" but he says "I disagree........ I've come to the perfect place" and walks around Tyrion's cell and explains "I want to bring those who have wronged me to justice and all those who have wronged me are right here" yeah thanks we understood and Tyrion looks up not wanting to let himself have the hope but he drops the bombshell "I SHALL START WITH SER GREGOR CLEGANE WHO KILLED MY SISTERS CHILDREN AND THEN RAPED HER WITH THEIR BLOOD STILL ON HIS HANDS BEFORE KILLING HER TOO, I WILL BE YOUR CHAMPION" awwww shiiiiiiiiit boiiiiiiiiii as he picks up a torch as if he's literally and figuratively carrying a torch for him and Tyrion almost breaks down in tears of joy as he finally has one last friend left in the world
then we see Sansa walking outside into the snow, having missed it and being reminded of home, and she starts making a little replica of Winterfell in the snow, like a sand castle, when the little zoomer prince comes up interested in this fun game his new friend is playing and she explains what she's building and he talks about how his mother never lets him leave his own home, and he asks when she'll go back, and Sansa awkwardly tells this stunted 10 year old who she'll probably marry soon "probably never, my family doesn't live there any more and someone burned it down" met he's going to smash it or something and he asks "oh.... does Winterfell have a moon door?" and when Sansa giggles and says it's not up in the mountains but down on the ground he says "oh, sounds dangerous" lmao since I guess from his point of view he's safe up there where he's hard to reach and he asks "how do you make people fly? what do you do to the bad people and the scary people and the people that you don't like?" and Sansa can't be worried by him since she's already been engaged to far far worse and just jokes girls don't do that where she's from and the zoomer boasts that when he's grown up "I'll be able to fly anybody who bothers me!" and promises that when they're married they can make anyone she doesn't like go "WOOSH! right through the moon door!" like he doesn't understand how serious that is from his mother sheltering and coddling him so much and Sansa sits there realizing "I like the sound of that" as she can think of a few people that would deserve that and the zoomer says "lets put a moon door in your Winterfell" and Sansa says "alright!" ready to play and the kid actually accidentally points to the main tower knocking it over and Sansa cant hide her frustration saying he ruined it and the zoomer gets defensive and yells it was already ruined because it didn't have a moon door and she tells him "you're being stupid!" and he screams "I DIDN'T RUIN IT!!!" and kicks the castle down in a fit of rage and she looks down in horror that maybe this little shit will turn out like Joffrey anyway and does what she's always wanted to do to him, but probably the last thing this kid needs, and SANSA SLAPS THE LITTLE ZOOMER PRINCE
who's never been struck before and she realizes oh fug I'm in trouble and tries to say sorry but he runs off bawling his eyes out, that was a really good scene where we're reminded that Sansa not only is only a 14 year old girl who's still very childish herself but also now traumatized to fuck and back and giving into dark feelings herself to the extent that she'd jump at the opportunity to be able to abuse someone she finally has at least physical power over, and as she's standing there worrying CIA suddenly appears out of nowhere creepily going "children...." having been spying on them and Sansa confesses "I hit him... I shouldn't have done that" and CIA shares his probably true feelings "no, his mother should have a long time a go, consider it a step in the right direction" this is some kinky pedo shit you've got right here GRRM, a 10 year old boy being roughly disciplined by his 14 year old wife and she worries about him grassing on her but CIA says he can handle her aunt and she whines about never seeing Winterfell again but CIA reassures her "if you want to build a new home you first have to demolish the old one" which I guess is what he's doing in his life and she tentatively asks him "why did you really kill Joffrey?" and his face drops and he stares at her with his real serious face and she mad dogs him back and insists "tell me why" and he starts monologing about how he loved Cat and claims he did it out of revenge for her and Sansa... gives him a smile, happy that her family has been avenged, and he smiles seeing he's winning her over and he steps close saying creepy shit about how in a better world she might have been his child uhhh dont think that's how it works but since Sansa is far taller than him she's not easily intimidated so he starts creepily playing with her red hair and saying "you're far more pretty than she ever was" and CIA KISSES SANSA, AND SHE LETS HIM.... BUT AUNT LYSA SEES THEM! awwwwwwwwwwww fuck, I presume CIA meant for that to happen to have an excuse to fuck her in the head some more or something, also I assume he was talking that weird shit about how he could have been her father to trigger her daddy issues at missing Ned and transferring them to sexual feelings to an older father figure like him, quite the epic redpill move there CIA, truly an enlightened PUA
then later Sansa walks into the throne room as her aunt has summoned her and she's looking down the open moon door and scarily asks her to come to her so she can edgily ask "do you know how far the fall is? neither do I precisely, hundreds of feet? it's fascinating what happens to bodies when they hit the ground from such height, the impact breaks them right apart, like eggs dropped on the floor, sometimes pieces remain intact, you'll find the head sitting on it's own, every hair in place, blue eyes staring at nothing" not sure that's entirely accurately humans are surprisingly sturdy and you can only fall so fast most falling from a great height victims only really go splat in the sense of if they land on something hard some blood can splatter out and Sansa just stands there super awkward waiting for her to do something but her aunt just forces out "I know what you did" and Sansa tries to play dumb pretending this is about her slapping Robin but her aunt snaps "don't be coy with me YOU LITTLE WHORE! you kissed him! you kissed Petyr! you can't lie to me!" and when Sansa tries to blame her her aunt GRABS HER HAIR AND HOLDS HER TO THE LEDGE SCREAMING "LIAR! WHORE! HE IS MINE! MY FATHER! MY HUSBAND! MY SISTER! THEY ALL STOOD BETWEEN US AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO STAND BETWEEN PETYR AND ME! LOOK DOWN! LOOOK DOOOOOWN!"
and from behind her CIA appears and orders "Lysa! ....let her go" and Lysa has a meltdown ranting about how Sansa will never love him and she's lied and killed for him and CIA claims he was just sending Sansa away "I swear on my life, I swear on all the gods, let her go Lysa" and her aunt forces herself to toss Sansa... back to safety, and then sits down sobbing in anguish of her emotional turmoil, and this piece of shit CIA who's been manipulating this clearly mentally ill woman slinks over all cocky now his prize possession is safe starts saying "oh my sweet wife, my sweet silly wife" and cuddles her... but then he brings her to her feet and tells the crying woman "I have only loved one woman, only one, my entire life" and she smiles happy her husband loves her but he adds "your sister" and then
CIA PUSHES HIS WIFE DOWN THE MOON DOOR! and she dies with a shocked look of betrayal on her face, perhaps she was wondering why you would marry a woman, before throwing her out of a moon door? :bane:
Game of Thrones 4x08: "The Mountain and the Viper" *mortal combat theme starts playing* special edition
First aired: June 1, 2014
this episode opens in a complete muddy shithole where a couple make out beside some shitty building and two lads smile as they're going to ye olde hooters to see a vulgar woman showing her talent of burping a song and the johns have to guess "uhhh the Rains of Castimere?" but she slaps him and grunts "ya fuckin deaf? listen ya cunt!" and another man correctly guesses "The Bear and the Maiden Fair?" and she laughs "there's a man with an ear! too bad you've got a hangnail for a cock! first time I saw you with your breeches down, I thought you were a eunuch! you seen it girls? like a baby snail peeking out of it's shell!" much to his friends amusement
and then she swaggers into another room taking a drink and starts at Gilly complaining about her crying baby and when she threatens to keep him quiet herself Gilly immediately snaps up and tells her "dont you ever touch him" being a fucking Real Nigga after surviving her father and a White Walker attack and the woman giggles and says "little wildling bitch, shoulda stayed with your own kind" but then Gilly hears an owl hoot outside and instantly snaps her head that way and just says "shut your mouth" and the whore looks confused "it's just an owl you dumb bitch" and Gilly's mouth drops as she says "no... it's not" and she looks out to try and see something... I guess that ain't no owl and actually bird calls used to signal the start of... something... and then we see a man going to the well to collect some water when awwwww fuck ONE OF THE CANNIBALS APPEARS BEHIND HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 85 AND GINGER NUT IS THERE TOO AND HE TAKES OUT HIS MACHETE AND SLICES A RANDOM MANS SIDE OPEN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 86 AND YIGRITTE STABS SOME RANDOM PEOPLE THROUGH THE CHEST WITH HER SPEAR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 87
AND THE BURPING HOOKER ISN'T GOING DOWN EASY AND CHARGES AT YIGRITTE WITH A KNIFE BUT SHE JUST PINS HER TO THE WALL WITH HER SPEAR AND SLITS A COWERING WOMAN'S THROATEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 89
and looks around and hears... a baby fussing... and she finds Gilly and her baby hiding in the corner.... and tells them "shh" and leaves them... and Gilly looks out to see... blood leaking in through the floorboards from the room up the stairs, jesus
and then we see Sam getting the news and he's hating himself for leaving her out there and it turns out those men in the hookers bar were Night's Watchmen who'd snuck out for some fun and the men argue about what to do as Sam sits there sure "she's dead because of me" but Jon insists "we cant go after them, it's what they want" and Pyp tries to comfort Sam "maybe she was able to hide herself" as he thought all they were dead and the other guy assures Sam "she survived Craster who was the worst fuck I ever met, she survived the walk to The Wall, she survived a White Walker for fuck sake, she might have got out" and Sam realizes "she might have" and Jon realizes "if they hit Mole's Town... we're next" and the men lament that Mance's army of 100K must be coming... and they're only 105-or scratch that-102, counting the three brothers lost in the bar, and Pyp asks "how do 102 stop 100,000?" ooooh fuck and one of them memes "whoever dies last be a good lad and burn the rest of us, once I'm done with this world... I don't want to come back" and that ain't no joke since they could turn into White Walkers up there as he pours them all drinks
then we get a very homoerotic scene of all the Unsullied getting their tops off and bathing in a river, leaving their pants on so they don't have to CGI out anyone's junk lol, and Grey Worm looks over to see Missy and the other females getting naked and has some odd feelings and she catches him watching and he gets awkward but then just keeps staring hoping she doesn't mind but when she covers up her breasts anyway despite his condition he realizes she's not happy with it and slinks away
then later she's talking to Dany about this who's braiding her hair and talks about how the Dothraki don't mind nudity so much they have sex in public at night lmao, and she assures her that none of the Unsullied care what's under their clothes but she claims "he was interested" and mega-brainlet Dany who can't understand a disabled person still wanting intimacy and having sexual thoughts awkwardly asks if they're missing "the pillar and the stones" which Missy isn't sure of and Dany naughtily asks, becoming quite the slut, "haven't you ever wondered?" and she replies "yes, Your Grace" and we see her later staring up at Dany's throne in the same way Varys does with the Irone Throne when Grey Worm appears and apologizes in Valyrian and then thanks her on her English lessons and clumsily says Jorah helps him too, and she awkwardly asks him if he remembers being cut, and he shakes his head, and she says she's sorry that happened to him, but he says if that didn't happen then he'd never have been one of the Unsullied to kill the masters for Dany and be here with her now which is some romantic ass shit saying it was worth being castrated to meet a girl lmao and her eyes tear up at this sign of love and he apologizes again in English and walks off awkwardly but she stops him and admits "I'm glad you saw me" and he gives what from him is a smile and says "so am I" and leaves (in a way that no one has ever done in real life and obviously if they emotionally connected when he was going to leave he'd simply, you know, stay, and they'd keep talking, but this is TV magic land where everyone needs to conduct themselves as dramatically as possible) but I like this romance since it's going against the trope of "castration = asexual" when really it'd just be a change in hormone levels and some psychological problems but you'd probably still mentally want intimacy with a significant other as much as anyone else especially since a mans body still produces testosterone elsewhere than the balls, hope homeboy is good at eating pussy I guess
then we see an army of Bolton soldiers assembling and Ramsey is strapping Reek into his old armor and talking to him like he's his retarded little brother "hmm a Kracken hmm strong! as long as they're in the sea! when you take them out of the water, no bones! they collapse under their proud weight and slump into a heap of nothing, you'd think they'd know that, unfortunately they're not very bright" with Reek zoning in and out not understanding anything he's saying even though he's clearly talking about Reek's former and current self and then he snaps him out of it by demanding "what do you tell them?" and Reek regurgitates "I am Theon Greyjoy son of Balon heir to the iron islands" and Ramsey puts a glove on him to hide the pinky finger he cut off during their first uh session and makes sure to ask "and what are you really?", note the what and not who since he's got him thinking he's some sort of pet, and he makes sure to whimper "I'm Reek" and Ramsey tests "are you sure? you do look very much like a lord... formidable... proud" and Reek starts shaking that his owner might not trust him which is a baaaaad thing for him and Reek answers "I'm Reek" and Ramsey pushes "until when?" and Reek says... fairly forcefully... "always... forever" looking him in the eyes to make sure he knows he really believes it and Ramsey is impressed with his own eyes lighting up as his fucked up little relationship here get's more intense and holds his face and says "that's right, until you're rotting in the ground" and strokes his cheek as if he really is the person he's most close to and he tells him "remember what you are and what you're not... bring me Moat Cailin" and takes him under his arm to look out over some marsh lands to a castle on a hill
and then we see Theon riding with a white banner of surrender, back on a horse for the first time in what must be 2 years by now, and a guard yells down "stop right there! who are you?" and there's a great bit of acting where Reek tears up and tries to control his nervous twitching as he tries to give the answer that's been so thoroughly conditioned out of him but we don't even see it on-screen as if we don't even get the relief of him even momentarily claiming his real identity and we cut to them letting him inside and there's just absolute squalor with rotting bodies and sick men everywhere and Reek forces himself to have a proud manly posture with strutting arms and far back shoulders like a little kid doing an impression of how a badass man walks and an ill looking man says "I'm Kenning, commander of this garrison and you say you're Theon Greyjoy?" as he looks at him suspiciously and Reek walks up very stiff and says in a very well done stilted voice as he struggles to hide his usually openly displayed constant state of terror as he tells his life story to this dude and the man asks "if you're my prince why are you marching with the Bolton army?" and Reek struggles not to flinch at the mention of his owner and says rigidly that he was taken captive and has been sent to negotiate and Kenning cringes, the weight of the siege bearing down on him physically and mentally, and asks "and what does Lord Bolton want?" knowing his men can't just much longer and Reek just hands over a scroll and starts explaining how fucked they are to him and claims if they surrender now "he will be just and fair with you as he has been with me" looking away trying to keep his composure as that's the biggest lie he's told yet, but the commander isn't on board so Reek tells them about his own father bending the knee to King Rob and the commander is so sick he collapses coughing and his men lift him up and HE SPITS HIS BLOOD IN REEKS FACE AND ONTO THE LETTER
and mocks him claiming there's no shame in surrender "only a whipped dog would speak this way... or a woman" and Reek starts shaking as he's failing his owner and the commander sees Reek's about to break down crying and asks "are you a woman, boy?" and Reek starts whimpering "you don't know-" but the commander insists "the Ironborn will not surrender" and Reek starts having a brainwashing meltdown terrified of what Ramsey will think so starts chanting to himself "my name is Reek my name is Reek" so he doesn't slip up and the commander says "you go tell your master that "Theon Greyjoy" or whoever the fuck you are... what the hell are you muttering?" as Reek goes "Reek Reek Reek Reek" as if he's almost about to have a moment of Theon escaping his mental confines, right here, talking to a commander who's refusing to obey the Bolton's, wearing his armor and already trying to convince him he's his prince, this could be it, he could e-THE COMMANDERS RIGHT HAND MAN PUTS A HANDAXE THROUGH HIS SKULL oooooooooooooooooooh never miiiiiiiiiind
nd Reek stands there shivering not knowing to be glad the sources of his stress is gone or sad because of a reason he's too fucking scared to think about and the second in command picks up the letter and asks "if we yield we live? that's what it says on this paper here?" as he can't read and Reek lies to them that yes "fly a white flag and open the gates, you're going home" and the man looks like he's thinking well why not give it a go, they're all going to die in there anyway, can't get any worse... but that's where he was wrong, we smash cut to THE SECOND IN COMMAND HAVING BEEN FLAYED ALIVE AND HAD AN EYE TORN OUTEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 90 and Ramsey purrs satisfied "you didn't really think I'd let them go did you? it's fallen out of fashion, flaying, sad, but true, traditions are important, where are we without our history, eh?" to Reek who says "yes my Lord" as he looks relieved to be back with his master and not in the excruciating stress of the temptation to betray him and he asks "will we go home now?" and Ramsey looks over happy that the conditioning has held "I believe we will... to our new home" and pats him on the chest and Reek starts shaking again as he doesn't need to pretend to not be fucked in the head anymore, oof good stuff
then we see CIA in a super close up of him talking about how he has a great-grandfather from Braavos to I assume the other Lord's of the Vale who boast about their own long histories and they're not too happy about only just meeting their new King and one moans "(((moneylender))), whoremonger, you've been licking Tywin Lannister's boots so long it's a wonder your tongue's not black!" and talks shit about how Master of Coin is "a grubby job" for a grubby man and when CIA tries to explain Lysa being in love with him this old lady says it's her death they're investigating and CIA claims "of course... her suicide shattered us all" how easy that would be in those days and the old lady says "she was an odd fish everyone knew that, but suicide? she adored that boy of hers, I don't see her abandoning him not by choice" and the man points out how suspicious it is that within a few days he married her and then she fell through the moon door lmao and CIA claims "she was always prone to melancholy, my lady was not meant for a world as brutal as ours" and they bring up Sansa as a witness which gets CIA shook and he tries to assure them she'd be of no help but they insist they hear her testimony unadulterated and CIA looks like he's about to brick it if they can get Sansa in there before he can work his magic on her , but I'm sure he already did, and they let Sansa in right there, and the old lady assures her she's got nothing to fear, from either of them, and Sansa nods when the old lady asks if CIA's her uncle and that her name is Alayne pretending to be more upset than she actually is and the old lady tries to be nice and asks if she wants CIA to leave but the old man snaps for her to be louder as Sansa looks awkwardly at CIA and says "I'm sorry Lord Baelish I have to tell the truth....... I'll tell you everything........ my name is not Alayne... IT'S SANSA STARK" oh fuck she's fucking him over and she reminds the old fat man that they actually met in Winterfell and he stares at her in amazement and then realizes that CIA "tells me lies to my face you little worm?!" who looks like he finna bouta make a ting ting clap as Sansa throws him under the bus but... she starts saving his ass saying "Lord Baelish has told many lies... all to protect me" and frames it like he was a hero saving her from all the abuse the Lannisters put her through and CIA gives her a look like he can tell she's only doing this to have him by the balls as she tells her sob story and she's successfully won over the Lords and the previously mad old fat man tells her she has her sympathy as he used to go hunting with her father he deeply respected and she starts talking about how her aunt was in love with CIA all her life since they were little kids and then she uses the dank lying technique of admitting to something embarrassing and most likely true so it seems like you'd only ever admit to that when being completely honest where she says she was so jealous when she saw CIA kiss her, and the fat old man gasps "Lady Sansa?" and Sansa pretends to be ashamed and minimizing "it was a peck on the cheek, Lord Royce, nothing more" and praises CIA as a good man and then breaks down crying using the truth of her aunt calling her a whore and threatening to moon door her to fuel her performance as she tells them all about it but then she claims her aunt slapped CIA when he tried to stop her and then killed herself in front of them and the old lady hugs Sansa telling her it wasn't her fault and the old man looks up sad completely believing that's something this mentally ill woman would do and CIA gives Sansa an almost... submissive look, like he's impressed with her quick mastery of bullshitting and owes her one now, and she maddogs him like he's got the right idea, then afterwards Royce is saying "you could tell by the way she raised that boy, feeding him from her own teats when he was 10 years old!" and the old lady admonishes him for gossiping at a time like this and he apologizes but also to CIA for grilling him so much but he says he understands he wants justice too and starts grilling them now on which side the Vale is on chewing them out for letting Tywin defeat all his enemies and pushes them to back Robin, but the old lady says "Robin is a sickly little boy" and CIA insists "and sickly little boys sometimes become powerful men" probably talking about his own beta ass and CIA explains his mother was just over protective and it's time to teach him how to be a man and visit his new kingdom and he's got these two old softies agreeing with him, uh oh, is he gonna merc the kid too? or raise him as his own so now he has his own little kingdom?
then back in Meereen we see the Unsullied finally taking the rotting corpses of the masters off of their signposts when a little boy, one of Varys birdies, comes up with a scroll for Barry... stamped with Tywin's insignia! which he reads with shock, then with Jorah studying some maps seeing looking at the distance between Meereen and KLs Barry comes in and... gives him his letter which is "a royal pardon signed by Robert Baratheon" wait wot, ah, so this is Tywin's play, fuck over Jorah, and Barry asks "you spied on her?" and Jorah gets super shook as Barry explains "I wanted to tell you first man-to-man rather than go behind your back" and he asks to be able to tell Dany himself but he just growls "you'll never be alone with her again" and walks off like that's life innit while Jorah is completely rectum ruined, then later Jorah very awkwardly comes to Dany's throne room and pathetically slowly tries to walk up to her but Grey Worm steps closer to him showing he won't let him near her and he pathetically asks to speak alone but she refuses and he agonizingly awkwardly has to have this conversation in front of all his friends and he tries to point out this is Tywin's plan to divide them but Dany points out it was signed the year they met and Jorah the absolute cuckold sits there shaking as he can't bring himself to lie that it was forged and admits he used to report on her and her brother to Varys and Dany gets super serious and doesn't let him call her Khaleesi and demands to know if he told them she was carrying Aquaman's babby and he struggles to admit yes and then Dany realizes that wine merchant only tried to poison her because of his intel and he begs that he stopped him but she walks right up to him and says "you betrayed me... from the first" glaring right at him uh oooohhhhh maybe why you shouldn't fall in love with a homicidal maniac like Dany and like an absolute beta bitch boy he gets down on his knees and begs forgiveness but she rants "you betrayed me to the man who killed my father and stole my brother's throne you want me to forgive you?" and Jorah pathetically whines "I have loved you" and Dany tells him "any other man I'd have you executed but I don't want you in my city alive or dead" and sends him back to King's Landing and he dares to walk closer up the stairs and she holds her hand up to stop him but also stop Grey Worm stopping him and snarls "don't EVER presume to touch me or speak my name again" and banishes him upon threat of decapitation almost like she's enjoying it and relishes any chance to have an excuse to threaten to kill people and Jorah slinks away like a little cuckold and we see him riding out of the city
then we see Ramsey's forces meeting across a field from Roose's forces as he presents his father with the strongholds flag and stands there super awkward waiting for him to say something as his father just looks at him concerned until he finally says "walk with me" and up on a hill over their forces, with Roose's being like ten time the size of the troops Ramsey can have, he asks his father if he's heard from Locke but he says the cripple boy is not important (should have told him to kill Jon but maybe it's smarter to leave him alive as a magnet for the other Stark kids) and he tells him the Ironborne are fleeing thanks to him and just as Ramsey thinks his father is going to approve of him he just asks him "what do you see?" and he looks around confused "moors, fields, hills?" but Roose asks again and Ramsey tries "nothing" looking uncomfortable that he's the one getting tested now and Roose says "not nothing, The North, ride 700 miles that way you're still in The North, 400 miles that way, 300 miles that way, The North is larger than the other six Kingdoms combined, I'm the warden of The North, The North is mine"
and then in an interesting moment he asks "now tell me, what is your name?" and he forces himself to answer "Ramsay Snow" which is some great kino since the secret was to why anyone does anything bad to anyone else ever is they experienced the same thing as a child which is usually as simple and obvious as parents excusing slapping their children or cheating on their spouse because they say their parents doing that growing up or can be more covert and removed like a boss that ignores their employees complaints because that's how his parents treated him and he just subconsciously thinks that's how someone in authority acts and the most horrific way this shit manifests is in people like Ramsey where the way they torture and kill people is usually related to how they feel aggrieved as we see here Ramsey got this obsession with having your identity taken from you by a man with authority over you to the specific extent of being made to give another name when asked and since he hasn't processed this healthily he just goes on to inflict it on others so he feels at least he's the one in control now since this dynamic is how he thinks the world works deep down from being exposed to it at an early age now of course since he's a twisted fucking psychopath this manifests in horrifically torturing another man into accepting he's his slave when if he was more neurotypical it'd probably manifest in just him doing the same shit as his father, having a bastard and refusing to accept him, which of course would seem completely coincidental to him and not intention but deep down it is just like how he probably just thinks he's doing this to Reek because it's simply fun without noticing any patterns with his own life but bravo writers for including that detail, but Roose actually corrects him "no, not Ramsey Snow, open it" and hands him a letter and declares "from this day until your last YOU ARE RAMSEY BOLTON, son of Roose Bolton, Warden of the North"
with a barely contained exasperated tone as if Roose can't actually be fucked to even pretend to care and is probably only doing this to try and calm his son's psychopathic tendencies down by giving him what he wants and Ramsey looks at this birth certificate or whatever and can't fucking believe it and then gets down on his knees and says "you honor me, I swear I will uphold your name and your tradition, I will be worthy of you father, I promise" and Roose just looks down a bit sad at his freak son and then we see their armies combined marching away and Ramsey is riding along looking euphoric and then get's an evil smile as he realizes he has even more power to do what he wants now and says "come Reek, I'll be needing a bath" gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! and Reek looks completely fine as if he's not even scared of Ramsey anymore and that stressful undercover mission has made him comfortable as long as he can please his owner and they seem to be approaching... Winterfell, which Roose now owns and has rebuilt
and then we see CIA visiting Sansa in her shitty little uncomfy room as she's sewing a dress and he talks to her about how she's definitely not a child any longer and for the first time in his life he can't figure someone out and asks "why did you help me?" and she avoids by saying "they'd have thrown you through the moon door if they found you guilty" and he calls her out "that's not an answer" not bothering to be charming and acting like his real abrasive self and Sansa relishes the power she has over him just withholding this information and cheekily says "if they'd have executed you what would they have done with me?" and CIA realizes "better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don't? and you think you know me?" and Sansa just says "I know what you want" and when he asks "do you?" she just looks up at him blank faced like he doesn't scare her but when CIA glares back at her she remembers her strongest asset is to pretend to be a scared little girl and looks back down at her sewing faux-nervously
then with the edgy duo Arya is talking about how "I thought it would make me happy, but it doesn't, not really" talking about revenge I guess and The Hound just points out "nothing makes you happy" from living with this little bitching thot for months but no Arya claims getting to kill Polliver and Rorge made her happy and The Hound realizes she means "so you're sad you didn't get to kill Joffrey yourself?" oooh the edge and Arya complains "at least I could have been there to watch, I wanted to see the look in his eyes when he knew it was over" EDGYYYYYYYYY and The Hound grumbles "aye nothing in the world beats that look" as if he doesn't really mean it and has seen it all hundreds of times and is now meaningless to him and Arya asks "you protected him for most of his life, you think you could have saved him?" and The Hound grumbles "I wasn't the damn wine taster, little shit deserved to die but poison... poisons a woman's weapon, men kill with steel" and Arya shares my thoughts exactly "that's your stupid pride talking, it's why you'll never be a great killer" since if it works it works, Joffrey's dead and running at him with a sword probably wouldn't get the job done, and she boasts "I'd have killed Joffrey with a chicken bone if I had to" and The Hound laughs and says "I'd pay good money to see that!" and starts grunting in pain at his shoulder as she points out "should have let me burn that" as they arrive at the Vale's front gate and The Hound assures her that her aunt will pay because of "family, honor, all that horseshit, its all you lords and ladies ever talk about" as the guards take aim with bows at them and he introduces the two of them but the lead guard offers them his condolences telling them of Lady Aryn's death and The Hound stands there super awkwardly like what the fuck is wrong with my fucking life and ARYA BURSTS OUT LAUGHING that this has all been for nothing and can't stop herself and the lead guard looks at his man like uhhhh ok, Arya rules lmao
and then inside CIA is talking to the zoomer who's anxious about being taken outside for the first time and CIA tries to reassure him "oh people die at their dinner tables, they die in their beds, they die squatting over their chamber pots, everyone dies sooner or later, don't worry about your death, worry about your life! take charge of your life as long as it lasts!" and the kid was starting to just panic more as he talked about how he could even die in his castle but calmed down as CIA gave him a more proactive fatherly advice that he must have missed from his own father and then CIA looks up mischievously at one of his new favorite people in the world SANSA COMES OUT WEARING A BADASS AND SEXY BLACK CROW-FEATHER DRESS and she cockily asks "shall we go?"
then we cut to Tyrion who's somehow gotten wine into his cell trying to get drunk and he turns to say "I think you or it" to... his brother of course, and he mocks the senselessness of the idea of trial by combat and Jaime gives him a pity chuckle but then he gets serious and asks "do you think Oberyn has a chance?" and Jaime just sits there sucking his teeth and Tyrion's like "The Red Viper of Dorne, you don't get a name like that unless you're deadly right?" and Jaime admits "I've never seen him fight" and Tyrion starts having a panic attack going "he's going to die, I'm going to die" and Jaime tries to reassure him "Oberyn believes in himself" but Tyrion thinks he's just arrogant "that's putting it mildly!" and as he takes a piss he wonders if he'll get "drawn and quartered, hanging, breaking at the wheel" but Jaime says "beheading" and Tyrion mumbles that on top of regicide they'll do him for "he was my nephew so what was that? fratricide is brothers and filicide is sons... ah nepoticide that's the one" which sounds like just killing any other family member as Jaime just sits there smiling sadly as Tyrion gives a few last memes "matricide, patricide, infanticide, suicide, there's no kind of killing that doesn't have it's own word" but Jaime points out "cousins" which Tyrion congratulates and they talk about their cousin Orson who got dropped on his head leaving him simple and they laugh about how this poor boy "used to to sit all day in the garden crushing beetles with a rock" as they both mockingly imitate their brain damaged relative lmao and Jaime points out Tyrion hypocritically mocked him too and he jokes "laughing at others misfortune was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else!" and they cheekily hint that Jaime had other interests growing up (Cersei's pussy) and Tyrion explains trying to work out why Orson smashed all those beetles, mocking his brain damage again lmao, and he says he even went to read in their maesters library, and Jaime, figuring his brother's dead soon, just drops "ugh Volarik's, tried to touch me once!" which might explain him (in an alternate reality) sexually assaulting his sister but he couldn't find anything to explain Orson's condition so he decided to study him himself like a zoologist, and as Tyrion picks up a mite in his own cell he talks about how he was sure Orson had a reason for killing beetles after all and he became unhealthily obsessed with figuring out why because it being meaningless disturbed him and Jaime points out "all around the world men, women and children are murdered by the score, who gies a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles?" but Tyrion explains the sheer volume of Orson's bug victims disturbed him and was giving him nightmares and he was never able to stop him until a mule kicked him in the chest and killed him lmao and Jaime looks at him confused but when he sees Tyrion put down the bug he had in his hand and let's it crawl away it seems like he understands, not about Orson but what it means for Tyrion, and his vulnerably little brother asks him maybe the last question of their lives "so what do you think? why did he do it? what was it all about?" as if the mentally disabled Orson obsessively crushing bugs is a metaphor for the human condition and Jaime sighs and says "I don't know" which I guess is the real answer to the actual question and to the subtext of why bad things happen in the world but also not wanting to say what he really thinks, that the point of the story is that Tyrion is such a caring person deep down who doesn't even want to see a single bug die pointlessly, but can't bring himself to let either of them hear that now... and then the bell tolls, which is I guess where that expression comes from and Jaime can't bring himself to look his brother in the eyes as he walks out saying "good luck today" as he looks super scared in his little dark cell, well that was a pretty good scene since the conversation felt more like a real conversation than most since people really do just go on rambling long stories with big tangents like that with no real point lmao which rarely happens in fiction as everything everyone talks about needs to drive the plot rather than just the aimless sharing of feelings and trivia people actually talk like IRL
then at midday Tyrion is led out in cuffs by guards to the baying crowd in front of a big semi-circle arena by the sea and we see Varys, Cersei, Tywin, Mace and now Jaime sitting at the front row seats as Tyrion is allowed to meet with his champion, Oberyn, who kisses his wife relishing every moment but Tyrion points out "that's very light armor" and Oberyn brushes it off "I like to move around" and Tyrion looks up at the crowd all yammering away at how they want him dead and anxiously whines "you could have at least worn a helmet! you shouldn't be drinking before a fight!" bit Oberyn keeps chugging wine and mocks "you learn this during your years in the fighting pits? I always drink before a fight" to his lovers amusement and Tyrion looks down trying to contain his embarrassment of being out of jokes and manipulations "it could get you killed, it could get me killed" and Oberyn assures both of them "today is not the day I die" and then the crowd starts cheering as The Mountain marches into the arena wearing his heavy as fuck metal plate armor we saw him jousting with and Oberyn's lover gasps "you're going to fight THAT?" and Oberyn assures her "I'm going to kill that" and as The Mountain thuds along with his face obscured by a cast iron helmet that looks like it could stop a 50 cal I swear I can hear someone in the crowd gasping "jesus!" which would be non-canon but I guess some extras said that on the day and they left it in the audio track or something and the gf declares "he's the biggest man I've ever seen!" and Oberyn jokes "size does not matter when you are flat on your back" heheheh le sex and Tyrion mutters to himself "thank the gods" referring to his own blessing of having a relatively big dick for his tiny size and a horn blows to draw attention to Pycelle giving the opening announcement "in the sight of gods and men, we gather to ascertain the guilt or innocent of this... uh... man, Tyrion Lannister" and goes on listing blessings from all the 7 gods as Oberyn's squire polishes his polearm (not like that) but Tywin just waves to the horn blower to play Pycelle off like when a speech goes on for too long at the Oscars as he doesn't give a fuck about the gods lmaooooooo
so he just bows and staggers off and Oberyn's wife gives him one last passionate kiss and begs him "don't leave me alone in this world" and he promises "never" as The Mountain carries out his massive fucking 6 foot sword that's taller than most men and Oberyn gets tossed his polearm and starts twirling it around super duper fast like he's an anime character and the crowd all clap and cheer for his amazing cheerleading skills and he turns to his arch nemesis and asks "have they told you who I am?" and THE MOUNTAIN GROWLS "SOME DEAD MAN!" AND SLAMS HIS MASSIVE CLAYMORE DOWN AT HIM AS THE CROWD GASPS
but Oberyn effortlessly avoids it and deflects the huge sword away ok I guess it's go time and he starts ranting "I am the brother of Elia Martell... and do you know why I have come all the way to this stinking shit-pile of a city?.... FOR YOU!!!" :bane:
OBERYN ATTACKS THE MOUNTAIN SLAPPING HIS POLEARM AGAINST HIS HELMET AND SKIDDING BACK AS THE MOUNTAIN FLAILS HIS HUGE SWORD AT HIM much to the shock of the crowd that this dude is completely out-manoeuvring their most feared champion and he taunts "I'm going to hear you confess before you die... you raped my sister... you murdered her... you killed her children, say it now and we can make this quick"
but THE MOUNTAIN JUST CHARGES HIM AND OBERYN COMPLETELY CONTROLS HIS SWORD WITH HIS POLEARM KEEPING IT AWAY FROM HIM AND PINS IT TO THE GROUND TO WHIP AROUND AND SLAP THE HELMET OFF OF THE MOUNTAIN'S HEAD OH SHIT and he demands "say it" as if he doesn't care about showboating to the crowd anymore and would be demanding this from him even if they were alone but
THE MOUNTAIN JUST SLASHES HIS HUMONGOUS SWORD AT HIM AND OBERYN DEFLECTS EVERY BLOW YELLING "YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER!" AND THE MOUNTAIN GETS RUSTLED HE CAN'T TOUCH THIS LITTLE SPEEDY SHIT AND RUSHES AT HIM ONLY FOR OBERYN TO SPIN OUT THE WAY AND PIN HIS SWORD DOWN AND TELL HIM INTIMATELY "you killed her children" AND THE MOUNTAIN TEARS HIS SWORD BACK UP ONLY FOR OBERYN TO DO CARTWHEELS OUT THE WAY
giving him a shit eating grin and THE MOUNTAIN GROWLS AND CHARGES HIM ATTACKING THE EMPTY GROUND WHERE HE WAS A SPLIT SECOND AGO AND SCRAPES IT ALONG THE GROUND TO IMPOTENTLY THROW IT AT OBERYN WHO JUST TWIRLS OUT THE WAY AS THE AUDIENCE GASPS
and Cersei looks down scowling as this little fucker is actually completely controlling the fight and Jaime looks over at her super relieved that his brother's going to live and OBERYN KICKS THE POLEARM BLADE MID-TWIRL AT THE MOUNTAINS FACE MAKING HIM RECOIL BACKWARDS PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE WHICH ENRAGES HIM AND HE STARTS STOMPING TOWARDS HIM GROWLING AS OBERYN STARTS CHANTING "YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!" WHILE TAUNTINGLY BATTING HIS SWORD AWAY AND HE TRIES TO JAB HIM IN THE CHEST BUT HIS ARMOR STOPS IT AND THE MOUNTAIN KICKS HIM SEVERAL METERS AWAY AS THE CROWD GASPS BUT OBERYN COMES WHIPPING BACK UP TO HIS FEET SLICING AT THE MOUNTAINS LEGS AND SPINS HIS WEAPON AROUND SUPER FAST MAKING THE MOUNTAIN BACK UP BUT HE DELIVERS A HUGE STRIKE... CUTTING OBERYN'S POLEARM IN HALF! AND A SECOND SWING KNOCKS THE EMPTY STAFF OUT OF HIS HAND TOO! AND THE MOUNTAIN DRAGS HIS SWORD ALONG THE GROUND AT OBERYN BUT HE FLIPS UP OFF THE GROUND OVER IT! AND THE CROWD CHEER AS THEIR NEW FAVOURITE FIGHTER RECOVERS
and Tywin looks down stonefaced, Oberyn's lover is filled with anxiety and Jaime gives Tyrion a happy look but he's not getting his hopes up as The Mountain starts grunting as he's getting winded and starts stomping towards Oberyn who's been allowed to get a new weapon, another polearm with a longer blade and shorter handle and HE ATTACKS THE MOUNTAIN BUT HE MANAGES TO DEFLECT OBERYN'S BLADE FOR THE FIRST TIME FORCING OBERYN TO FLIP OUT THE WAY OF HIS SWORD BUT THE MOUNTAIN JUST BACKHANDS HIM AS HE TRIES TO FLIP AROUND HIM SENDING HIM FLYING SEVERAL METERS AWAY AND OBERYN ONLY JUST MANAGES TO ROLL OUT THE WAY OF THE HUGE SWORD CRASHING DOWN AT HIM AND AS THE MOUNTAIN PREPARES A MASSIVE OVERHEAD ATTACK DOWN AT HIM OBERYN SPRINGS UP AND PLUNGES HIS BLADE THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS STOMACH!!!!
AND HE HOPS BACK UP ONTO HIS FEET AND DELIVERS ANOTHER SLICE TO HIS BELLY AS THE MOUNTAIN STAGGERS FORWARD AND THE CROWD IS SHOCKED AS HE SCREAMS AS LOUD AS HE CAN "YOU RAPED HEEEEER!!! YOU MURDERED HEEEER!!!!" AND THE MOUNTAIN CHARGES AT HIM ROARING LIKE A LION BUT OBERYN GOES FULL OUT AND PUTS HIS BLADE THROUGH HIS SHIN BEFORE HE CAN EVEN REACT CAUSING HIM TO FALL TO HIS KNEES AS THE CROWD GOES APESHIT
and Cersei looks upset like it's a personal slight against her this monster is being defeated, Tywin looks slightly annoyed his most powerful soldier is about to die and Jaime looks super smug but Tyrion can't let himself be relieved just yet as Oberyn screams "YOU KILLED HER CHILDREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!" AND RUNS STRAIGHT AT THE MOUNTAIN PLUNGING HIS BLADE THROUGH HIS CHEST!!! DROPPING HIM ON HIS BACK AS THE CROWD SCREAM IN AMAZEMENT!!!
and Jaime looks over smiling as his miserable cunt family finally get their due and Oberyn leaves his polearm sticking out of Gregor's chest as he walks around him taunting "wait, are you dying? ooh no no no, you can't die yet, you haven't confessed!" and pulls the polearm out and the crowd are shocked to see their new hero acting dishonerably as he marches around demanding "say her name: Elia Martell, you raped her, you killed her children, Elia Martell, who gave you the order?!" not hiding his true emotional agony at what was done to his family behind his bravado any longer as he points up at Tywin who glares down at him airing their family's dirty laundry in public and Oberyn screams "WHO GIVE YOU THE ORDER??!?!?!" finding his perfect situation to turn King's Landing against Tywin even further and he paces around ranting "SAY HER NAME!! YOU RAPED HER!!! YOU MURDERED HER!!! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!!! say it, say her name"
that was a dank ass take from that actress tbh and The Mountain lets himself fall over exhausted as Cersei sneers down as she gets her way once again and Tywin tries to control his smile as his notorious attack dog proves himself invincible yet again and Tyrion stands there in absolute butthurt as his father announces "the gods have made their will known... Tyrion Lannister, in the name of King Tommen of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, you are hereby sentenced to death" as Cersei smirks and Jaime looks over sad and Tyrion just stands there with his mouth gaping open in disbelief
holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck was that fucking baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaased obviously I got spoiled on this like half a decade ago and watched the fight on youtube at the time lmao but it still holds up in being effective and is probably in my top 5 favorite fight scenes ever since it accomplishes what so many creators with they could: an actually shocking moment, since even if you know it's coming it's narratively so well set up where obviously the natural thing to happen is Oberyn wins since The Mountain is a bit of a non-character with barely any lines and more an NPC boss that's known for his physical strength and evil so would typically be killed in combat by someone wanting revenge on him, Oberyn is set up as a major power player from another royal family who has schemes to bring against Tywin and his victory means Tyrion's gets to live and since he's got obvious plot armor you figure it's a done deal, and they even reiterate these assumptions throughout the fight with The Mountain being played up as a big dumb evil brute, Oberyn sympathetically reminding us of his sister and that he has future intentions on Tywin and the tension in all the cut-away reactions mostly relating to Tyrion's fate, in any other story obviously Oberyn is the dashing rouge archetype who's obviously going to defeat the hero's main villain's generic massive lead henchman brute he wants revenge on thanks to the "heh you might be big and strong... but I'm fast!!!!" meme but then BANG! REALISM BITCH! what would happen in real life is what happens: all the flashy martial arts techniques and agility in the world can't save you from someone twice your weight getting ahold of you, maybe that's the wrong word since this is a fantasy setting and I'm not even sure a human can crush another's skull like that so maybe just coherency is a better term than realism, there's nothing contradictory in the narrative where a character is suddenly far more capable than they should be like Dany always is or Jon sometimes is or a character only succeeds because other characters are suddenly dumbed down at the right time like Ramsey, it's entirely "earned" and internally consistent that this happens, Oberyn let's his emotions get the better of him and plays with his food instead of just killing The Mountain as soon as he can and he get's what he deserved, with both Oberyn's arrogance and passion and The Mountain's ruthlessness and rage being well espoused upon previously, the only thing to hint that maybe this isn't coming is you might assume The Hound has unfinished business with The Mountain but after it's Bran that kills Locke and CIA that kills Joffrey you're probably starting to realize that not everyone get's poetic demises and you figure maybe The Mountain will get clipped prematurely by just some guy he barely remembers rather than his own brother, but not today, welp, rip Oberyn I guess, he was a pretty good character, could have just been le smug seductive bisexual but they showed throughout how his hot blood was also a weakness and effected every part of his life for good and bad and maybe there could have been more with him seducing Loras for Cersei or something like that but this is some good ol Realism Bitch™ where you don't get to do everything you can do in the story like most fiction does, when it's your time to get rekt it's your time, Valar Morghulis and all that
Game of Thrones 4x09: "The Watchers on the Wall" tower defence mobile game special edition
First aired: June 8, 2014
so we open on... I don't know what the fuck this is... oh it's the top of The Wall I thought it was houses or something and Sam is asking Jon what Yigritte was like and when he says "she had raid hair" Sam says "oh yeah? how big were her feet?" SAM IS A FOOTFAG!!!! but no he's saying he doesn't want a physical description "I want you to tell me what it was like to have someone, to be with someone, to love someone and have them love you back, we're all gonna die a lot sooner than I'd planned, you're the closest I'll ever get to knowing" lmao fucking VIIIIIIIIRGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN and Jon asks "so you and Gilly never?" but Sam says "no! she just had a baby... and she never offered" lmaoooo and Sam tries to lawyer his vows saying they said no wife or children... not no getting laid! and starts nagging Jon for the deets and Jon explains it as being wrapped up in a whole other person until you're not just you but then he can't put his feelings into words and just whines "I don't know I'm not a bleedin poet!" and complains all it got him was "an arrow six inches from my heart" and Sam says "they've already done the worst thing to me they could ever do" killing his love so they're both ready to die and Jon lets Sam go down in this elevator that it's never clear how the fuck it works to take the watch alone but then... an owl approaches, and I thought it was some sort of scouting owl like they set off the owl and it's trained to track the nearest settlement like sailors sending scouting birds to fly up and naturally flew towards land but no... one of the cannibals is a Warg who's controlling it, and in the Wildling's camp ginger nut is trying to talk to Yigritte about his favorite lover that he's talking about almost as if she's an animal but Yig isn't in the mood and says "I know you never fucked a bear! you know you never fucked a bear!" lmao and she edgily says "all I want to think about is one of these arrows in a crows heart" as she makes more and more arrows and rants about how the crows will pay for building The Wall and attacking their people and ginger nut nods in agreement but then a cannibal growls "you have a lot of words to say about killing, even more than arrows" and Yig boasts that she killing more civilians than he did but he implies she won't be able to kill Jon and she boasts "only thing that'll be left of him is his fun bits around me neck" and her people laugh at her banter but the cannibal growls in his super serious deep voice "more words, know what I think you do when you see him? serve him up a nice juicy slice of GINGER MINGE" and his men all laugh now and she stands up and taunts him about thinking about her minge and he stands up, a good foot and a half talker than her, and growls "maybe I have" and she yells to everyone that she'll kill anyone else that tries to kill Jon instead of her, hmmmmmmm maybe she's still protecting him, and then a hooded figure spies on the group and rushes off into the night
then we see Sam studying a book when the blind Targ maester guy spooks him being surprisingly stealthy and Sam asks how he knew it was him and he laughs only he'd be up wasting candles reading at this time and then laughs at himself with all these books but no eyes to read them and then Sam admits he's trying to study the wildlings and their horrific crimes but the old man just says "yes... imagine the stories wildlings tell about us" and tries to tell him "love is the death of duty" which is why he's sitting there against his orders worrying about what happened to his love, which he tries to deny, but the blind man could tell from the sound in his voice when they were together (which is a real thing and I remember recognizing the difference between a certain internet friends voice when he talked to his ex-girlfriend and his wife lmao) and the old man tells Sam about how he met so many girls when he used to be Aemon Targaryen, which he can tell Sam has already been told, and he smiles as he can still remember the first girl he made love to in crystal clear clarity in his minds eye, and Sam sits there trying not to well up as he thinks about how this poor old blind man still has as rich an inner life as any of the other men there... and they're all going to be snuffed out in a few nights, and the old man can sense his pity so tells him to go to bed, and as Sam leaves he hears Pyp trying to shoo someone away from the gate but he hears... IT'S GILLY AND HER SON, SHE'S ALIVE! and she rushes down telling him to open it and when Pyp says that's against his orders Sam automatically yells "OH PYP OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!" much to Pyp's shock he says "never heard you swear before" as he gives in and opens the gate and Sam still flustered says "yes well better get used to it" lmao Sam's balls just dropped and she rushes in for Sam to comforts them and starts crying for leaving her out there and Gilly begs to stay and he promises he'll protect her forever but then... a horn blows.... AND A SECOND HORN BLOWS!! OH SHIT THEY'RE COMING!! and the men'll wake up and rush around and Pyp looks up like ok there we go time to die as the Warg's owl screeches and he comes out of it and tells his people "it's time" and everyone stands up and stares at The Wall
and then on top of it we see Jon running by all the men getting their shit ready as he looks out North to see MANCE'S SIGNAL FIRE... THAT'S A FUCKING FOREST FIREok good plan burning down your only concealment and where you have to advance through and the Watchmen all light torches atop The Wall as they slide catapults into place and struggle to put barrels full of something on top of them as the bald CO asshole yells at them and Jon tells the main CO the oil is in place and he's just like "a hundred thousand you say?" and then admits he was right about sealing the tunnels and he takes a deep breath as he's realizing he's fucked his men and says being in charge means being second guessed by "every little twat with a mouth" but if you start second guessing yourself that's the end of all of them... and he struggles to keep his balls about him and tells Jon it's not over as long as they do their duty and hold them back for as long as they can and hopefully they can go back to hating each other
then in Castle Black Sam is finding a room to hide Gilly and the babby in but she panics as he's leaving them again and Sam stutters "I-I didn't mean in the same room!" and she warns him the free folk killed absolutely everyone in Mole Town but Sam insists it's his duty and he has to do it "because that's what men do" and then SAM KISSES GILLY, ALPHA AS FUCK and she just looks at him in confusion like she's never seen an honerable man before and just whines "promise me you wont die?" and he does before leaving and locking her in
and then the men all rush to barricade the door, you know maybe you should... you know... send someone to go get some help, maybe tell fucking anyone with an army what's happening, but too late for that retards, and Pyp's hands are shaking so badly he can't even collect his arrows and Sam tries to tell him this is the best place to be but Pyp whines that he's never even held a spear or a real sword before and he asks "you not afraid?" and he says "of course I'm afraid" and Pyp doesn't understand how he killed a White Walker and Sam admits he didn't know he could do it, he just went into pure instinct mode to protect Gilly and his girlfriend's son-brother), not feeling like he was Sam anymore, and when you're nothing anymore you're not afraid, which is an interesting take on the themes of people changing their identity, when it's really kicking off you don't even think about that stuff
then we see Yigritte spying on them and reporting to gingernut and the cannibal leader she only sees 20 men still on the ground with "a big fat one and a little bony one" on the gate and the ginger nut puts out the campfire and screams LETS KILL SOME CROWS!!! as Yig stands there looking conflicted and we get a really cool camera shot panning over from their smouldering camp site, to Castle Black, up and over The Wall and to the North where the forest fire rages and as the badass war drums that are playing turns into almost frantic horror music MANCE RAYDER'S 100,000 STRONG ARMY OF ALL THE WILDLING TRIBES COME MARCHING OUT OF THE WOODS
and Jon, his two friends and the CO look down like holy... fucking... shit... as they see the biggest army ever assembled in living memory literally at their fucking gates all screaming at them and the CO orders "archers knock! everyone else hold!" and the bowmen light their arrows on fire and take aim and Jon's brainlet friend accidentally drops one of the barrels of oil over the side and the CO screams "I SAID KNOCK AND HOLD YOU CUNTS! DOES KNOCK MEAN DRAW? DOES FUCKING HOLD MEAN FUCKING DROP? DO YOU ALL PLAN TO DIE HERE TONIGHT? DRAW!" as oh all the archers also messed up and were only meant to place their arrows to the string but now they're allowed to take aim and then... they hear the horn again, and the CO turns to the hornman as if he's blowing it for no fucking reason but he yells "no! down bellow" and they look over the back of The Wall to see... GINGER NUTS MEN AND THE CANNIBALS RUSHING THE FRONT GATE AND THE 20 MEN LEFT THERE LAY DOWN FLAMING ARROW FIRE AT THEM ONLY GETTING A FEW OF THEM AND YIGRITTE RETURNS FIRE HITTING SOME OF THE ARCHERS and the bald CO runs up to the main CO and screams about the attack and he looks out at the forest super stressed and says "I'm going down there" and gives the bald guy command but he just stands there shook so the main CO comes back and screams WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? LOOSE! so he knows what to order and then the 80 men up top fire at Mance's massive army who just stand there screaming and when a few of their men drop they just scream even louder and back at the front YIGRITTE IS PICKING THE ENEMIES FLAMING ARROWS OFF THE GROUND TO FIRE THEM BACK AT HER AND ACTUALLY DODGES AN INCOMING ONE BEFORE FIRING HERS BACK KILLING A WATCHMEN
and as the Wildlings try to climb up the wall Pyp is firing a crossbow at them as Sam sits on the ground reloading his next one for them to swap to double his fire-rate but Pyp keeps missing every shot lmao and Pyp just admits "Sam? I think we're gonna die" as a man drops dead with an arrow in him behind him ooooof but Sam just quips "if you keep missing we will?" and a grappling hook comes up on the side for the Wildling's to climb up and we see the little boy who's somehow manning the elevator letting the CO guy out and there seems to be a continuity error here as the CO guy gives his speech you see the skewered dude in the middle of the courtyard that only gets put there later on anyway he yells to the men on the ground "BROTHERS! A HUNDRED GENERATIONS HAVE DEFENDED THIS CASTLE! SHE'S NEVER ALLEN BEFORE! SHE WILL NOT FALL TONIGHT! THOSE ARE THENNS AT OUR WALLS! THEY EAT THE FLESH OF THE MEN THEY KILL! DO YOU WANT TO FILL THE BELLY OF A THEN TONIGHT? TONIGHT WE FIGHT! AND WHEN THE SUN RISES I PROMISE YOU CASTLE BLACK WILL STAND! THE NIGHT'S WATCH WILL STAND! WITH ME NOW! NOW WITH ME!"
JUST AS THE WILDLINGS HACK THEIR WAY THROUGH THE MAIN GATE AND DROP IN OVER IT AND ALL THE NIGHT'S WATCHMEN CHARGE AT THEM WITH THEM CLASHING IN A HUGE MELEE AND THE CO GUY STARTS GOING HAM SLICING THROUGH WILDLINGS LIKE A MAD CUNT AND WHEN PYP SEES GINGER NUT SCALING THEIR POSITION HE JUST LEGS IT WITH SAM AND GINGER NUT HACKS A MANS HEAD IN WITH A HANDAXE AND GIVES CHASE STABBING EVERYONE IN HIS WAY AND SMASHING THEM THROUGH THE RAILINGS LIKE THEY'RE NOTHING
and up North the Mammoth gives a mighty bellow as Mance's army starts it's approach and the bald cunt starts freaking out "no discipline, no training, gang of thieves that's all this is! I commanded the City Watch of King's Landing! those men obeyed orders!" making it clear he's not talking about his enemies but his allies and Jon hollars "we can't let them just attack the gate!" but the bald twat insists it'll hold and Jon screams in his face "THOSE ARE GIANTS RIDING MAMMOTHS DOWN THERE!!!" and the bald coward just zones out and says "no such thing as giants... a story for the children" so one of Jon's mates comes up and lies to Slynt that Ser Alliser needs him on the ground, and everyone can tell it's bullshit, but Slynt will take any excuse to escape and rushes to the elevator, so Jon takes command and orders "ARCHES! KNOCK YOUR ARROWS! DRAAAAAW! LOOOOOSE!" and they unleash another flaming folley on the charging Wildling army barely killing any of them as they start hacking in their icepicks to climb The Wall but Jon tells his men "they won't summit until dawn!" and he knows "because I made that climb!" but his men are not convinced so IT'S TIME FOR UBISOFT'S™ TOM CLANCY'S™ RAINBOW SIX™ THE SIEGE™
AND THE WILDLING ARCHERS CANT GET THEIR ARROWS ANYWHERE NEAR HIGH ENOUGH TO RETURN FIRE... BUT THEN A GIANT GETS HIS BOW AND ARROW THAT'S THE SIZE OF A FUCKING TREE, ACTUALLY IT FUCKING IS A TREE, AND FIRES AN ARROW THE LENGTH OF A HORSE THAT BLOWS APART THE WATCHTOWERS ROOF JON IS STANDING IN BARELY MISSING HIM AND WHEN THE GIANT DRAWS ANOTHER SHOT JON SCREAMS "DOOOOOWN!"
AND WHEN A GUY WITH A SHIELD TRIES TO STOP HIM HE JUST BATS HIS SHIELD AWAY WITH HIS AXE AND SLAMS IT INTO HIS CHEST AND HACKS ANOTHER GUY THROUGH THE STAIRS HE'S MARCHING DOWN AS HE GIGGLES WITH GLEE AND HE RAMS ANOTHER GUY DOWN AND SMASHES HIS AXE DOWN INTO HIM SPRAYING BLOOD ALL OVER THE LITTLE BOY WHO'S PARENTS HE KILLED WHO'S HIDING IN THE CORNER
AND YIGRITTE JUMPS IN AND STARTS PRECISELY PUTTING ARROWS IN WATCHMEN AS THEY FIGHT AND WE GET A BADASS OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT OF HER PERFORATING DUDES LEFT AND RIGHT
and when the bald retard comes out the elevator the little kid is bravely still doing his job and manning the thing somehow but a man runs past them yelling to get to the gate as WILDLINGS BURST INSIDE THE CASTLE START SLAUGHTERING THE MEN INSIDE BUT ONE GRABS A POT OF BOILING WATER AND THROWS IT IN A WILDLINGS FACE AND STARTS BEATING HIM WITH IT HELL YEAH DUDE AND THE CHEF CASUALLY WALKS IN WITH HIS MASSIVE MEATCLEAVER AND HACKS IT INTO THE WILDLINGS CHEST WOAH BADASS
and outside the bald cunt is running away from the fighting like an absolute coward and HE SEES A WATCHMAN BEHEAD A WILDLING WITH ONE SWIPE and is like nope nope nope and runs the other way and he goes into the castle to hide using his master key to unlock a storage room and locks himself in only to find... it's the one Gilly is hiding in who just stares at him awkwardly
then back outside on the ramparts PYP FINALLY HITS A WILDLING and excitedly tells Sam "I got one! right through the heart! he's dead!" and Sam asks condescendingly "oh is it over?" and Pyp answers worried "uh no" so Sam insists "well then!" and hands him his next loaded crossbow
but when he pops up to take another shot YIGRITTE PUTS AN ARROW STRAIGHT THROUGH PYP'S NECK NOOOOO TIMBOOOOOO!!!! YOU WHORE!!! and as Pyp flails around gargling in his own blood in Sam's arms he stutters "y-you're fine! I-I'll go get help!" but Pyp clings on to him not wanting to die alone so Sam lies "Maester Aegon's coming, he's gonna make it alright" so he dies with a little hope, jesus
then Jon sees more of the Wildling army approaching and yells NOW and they drop the barrels off the side that fall down and smash into some Wildlings and then the giant crashes down off his mammoth and starts punching his way into the gate... so he can attach a rope to it and to his mammoth... and he whistles for it to pull and it does... giving a big yank... and it holds... but then him and his giant friends join in and it starts buckling, so Jon orders his mate to take five men and hold the inner gate and he takes some unlucky men down with him as Jon orders more oil on the ramps then in the court yard SER ALLISER IS STILL KILLING WILDLINGS WHEN HE LOOKS UP TO SEE GINGER NUT COMING DOWN THE STAIRS KILLING ONE OF HIS MEN SO HE ORDERS "PROTECT THE GATES!" AND RUSHES UP THE STAIRS
BUT GINGER NUT IS WAITING TO AMBUSH HIM AND THEY SMASH THEIR BLADES INTO EACH OTHER IN A FURIOUS BATTLE WITH GINGER NUT SNARLING AND GRABBING AT HIM LIKE A WILD ANIMAL AND JUST SHOVING HIM BACK WHEN HE TRIES TO DEFEND HIMSELF
BUT SER ALLISTER GOES HAM TOO SNARLING AS HE SWINGS HIS SWORD AT HIM FORCING GINGER NUT TO DO ROLL BACKWARDS BUT HE SLASHES ALLISER'S STOMACH DROPPING HIM TO THE GROUND BUT BEFORE HE CAN DELIVER THE KILLING BLOW ALLISER PRESSES Z OR R TWICE AND DOES A BARREL ROLL OFF THE STAIRS with him very luckily landing in a pile of hay and some of his men rush up to help as ginger nut starts hacking at another dude's shield but all Alliser cares about is "hold that fucking gate! hold it!!!!" kind of cool that this guy is a badman himself since usually bully commander guys are all like the bald coward guy
and then with Sam he finally moves the dead Pyp's head off his lap laying him down respectfully, picks up his unfired crossbow, looks down into the battle... and then looks over at Yigrittes position and rushes through the battle to get there but then A CANNIBAL STATS RUSHING AT SAM AND HE FIDDLES TO LOAD THE CROSSBOW AND MANAGES TO FIRE IT INTO HIS HEAD JUST IN TIMEuh plot hole Pyp didn't get to fire it so it should have been already loaded nice continuity dickhead, anyway Sam grimaces at the gore he's made and then rushes up the other side of the elevator as Jon's friend and his men arrive and Sam yells to them "we need more men down here!" and he just says "tell Jon, he's in command!" and runs off so Sam gets into the elevator and screams at the boy "get me to the top! ya hear me!" not sure how a fucking 10 year old can lift him up but whatever and the boy is just sitting there terrified with his hands over his ears and Sam realizes he's screaming at a kid so talks calmly to him remembering his name and explaining nicely what to do so Olly comes to his senses and steels himself and rushes to operate the elevator and Sam yells down "find a weapon Olly! fight them!" and he stands there terrified but then looks down.... and sees a bow... hell yeah kiddo some cannibal is getting merced
and then on top of The Wall they see they are almost getting the door down so they drop down barrels of oil... with lit fires on them this time... causing THE BARRELS HIT THE GROUND AND EXPLODE IN A MASSIVE FIREBALL THAT IGNITES ALL THE OTHER SPILLED OIL IN A HUGE INFERNO
AND HIS GIANT FRIEND SCREAMS IN RAGE AND STARTS PERSONALLY TRYING TO LIFT THE GATE AS THESE DUMBASS WATCHMEN STRUGGLE TO DROP ANOTHER BARREL THAT FAILED TO DISENGAGE FROM IT'S RACK BUT ONE PUNCTURES IT WITH HIS STICK AND IT EXPLODES KILLING EVERYONE AROUND IT
CAUSING ONE OF THE MEN TO DROP THE RAPPELLING ARCHERS ROPE SENDING HIM PLUMMETING 700 FEET DOWN AS THE GIANT MANAGES TO GET THE GATE LIFTING UP UH OHHH
and then when Sam gets to the top he delivers Jon the news from down stairs so he gives his friend Edd command up here telling him "if they try the mammoths again, drop oil on them, if they climbers get too high, drop the scythe oh them" oh boy, you know, the Night's Watchmen would be pretty fucked if this army of 100,000 people, you know, attacked any of the 500 mile wide wall that wasn't manned and then went along it? or just didn't bother to attack Castle Black at all? or can most of their men not climb? I'm sure they could just rig some ladders up or something, but anyway this is Jon's storyline so some contrived 300 situation is inevitable, and Edd hollers "might as well enjoy our last night eh boys? LIGHT THE FUCKERS UP! KNOCK! DRAW! LOOOOOOSE!" and they rain down more fire on the Wildlings
then with Jon's other friend and his 5 men they come to the tunnel and see... the giant prying up the door and the men ask "how do we stop that? we've put 20 arrows in him already!" but the mate insists "we hold the gate!" and as the giant starts crawling in one of the men starts praying and the mate gets euphoric saying "the gods aren't down here, it's the six of us, you hear me?!" and the door slams shut as the giant, who's too fucking dumb to wedge it open for his side, sees the six of them and starts running at them and when one of the men tries to free the mate grabs him and starts saying their vows to him "night gathers and now my watch begins, it shall not end until my death, I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children" as the giant gets closer and closer and the other men start saying their vows too hyping each other up going "I shall wear no crowns and win no glory, I shall live and die at my post, I am the sword in the darkness, I am the watcher on the walls"
and they all take out their swords and start screaming "I AM THE SHIELD THAT GUARDS THE REALMS OF MEN, I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND HONOR TO THE NIGHT'S WATCH, FOR THE NIGHT ND ALL THE NIGHTS TO COME" as the giant barrels through the gate presumably killing them all, right, great work lads, thankfully the giant is a brainlet and it's just him that got through
then we see Jon and Sam taking the elevator down and they argue about Sam going to hide but Jon gives him a key and says "I need him more than I need you" not sure what he means and Jon jumps out impatiently rolling as he lands and AN ACTION VERSION OF THE SHOWS OPENING SCORE STARTS UP AS JON STARTS HACKING INTO WILDLINGS LEFT AND RIGHT TAKING OUT FOUR OF THEM
AND THERE'S A HELA FUCKING EPIC PANNING SHOT THROUGH THE BATTLE IN THE COURTYARD AS WE PAN UP TO SEE YIGRITTE STILL LAYING DOWN ARROWS AND CANNIBALS STORMING UP THE STAIRS AND THE MUSIC GETS CRAZY AS THE CANNIBAL LEADER THROWS A MAN OFF HIS BACK AND PUTS HIS AXE IN HIS CHEST
AND THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SEE THE GINGER NUT LAUGHING DOWN MANICALLY AT ALL THE CHAOS AS HES HAVING SO MUCH UN AND THEN IMMEDIATELY RUNNING UP THE STAIRS TO SLAUGHTER TWO GUYS AND JUMP DOWN KILLING A THIRD
AND WE PAN OVER WATCHMEN FIGHTING WILDLINGS WITH ONE GUY KICKING A SAVAGES HANDAXE AWAY SO HE CAN SKEWER HIM ON THE GROUND AS WE'VE DONE A FULL 360 AND SAM COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS TO UNLOCK A DOOR THAT A FLAMING ARROW JUST HIT AND WE FINALLY CUT TO JON FIGHTING SEVERAL GUYS AT ONCE AS SAM OPENS THE DOOR AND SAYS
AND GHOST THE DIREWOLF RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND IN A POV SHOT RUNS THROUGH THE BATTLE STRAIGHT INTO A WILDLING TEARING HIS FUCKING THROAT OUT OH SHIIIIIIT
AND JON MATCHES HIM SLITTING ANOTHER MANS THROAT WITH THE TIP OF HIS SWORD AND GINGER NUT TAKES AN ARROW TO THE BACK BUT KEEPS FIGHTING WITH HIS ONE WORKING ARM AND THE CANNIBAL LEADER SEES JON CUTTING DOWN HIS MEN SO STORMS STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIM PUSHING WILDLINGS OUT THE WAY AND STARTS FIGHTING HIM SWINGING HIS MASSIVE AXE AT HIM THAT JON STRUGGLES TO DEFLECT BUT JON STARTS GOING HAM RUNNING STRAIGHT AT HIM SWISHING HIS SWORD FROM EVERY ANGLE LIKE HE'S ALMOST FENCING
AND THE CANNIBAL LEADER HAS TO BACK THE FUCK UP REAL FAST BARELY ABLE TO PARRY AND YIGRITTE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THEM FIGHTING SO JUMPS OFF DOWN INTO THE COURTYARD AND STARTS FIRING ARROWS AT THE WATCHMEN BETWEEN THEM AS JON AND GETS HIS SWORD BATTED AWAY FROM HIM BY THE CANNIBAL LEADER
WHO BACKHANDS HIM AND STARTS SWINGING HIS AXE AROUND HELICOPTER STYLE AND CHARGING AT THE SMALLER MAN CHOPPING APART A WEAPONS RACK AND YIGRITTE FINALLY HAS A CLEAR SHOT ON JON WHO GRABS A CHAIN AND USES IT TO ENTANGLE HIS MASSIVE BATTLE AXE SO THE CANNIBAL LEADER JUST THROWS IT AWAY AND GRABS JON TO START PUNCHING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND SMASHES HIS HEAD DOWN ON AN ANVIL CAUSING BLOOD TO SPEW OUT OF HIS MOUTH
AND THEN THROWS HIM THROUGH A FIRE PLACE BUT HE DOESN'T CATCH FIRE SO HE MARCHES AROUND THE OTHER SIDE AND PINS UP HIM AGAINST THE WALL BY HIS THROAT AND SMILES BUT JON SPITS HIS OWN BLOOD ON THE CANNIBALS EYES, GRABS A CARPENTERS HAMMER, HITS HIM IN THE BALLS WITH IT AND... SMASHES IT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CANNIBAL LEADERS SKULL!!!
nice kill, I was expecting Yigritte to choose to hit him instead of Jon or for Olly to do it but I guess straight forward is sometimes as surprising and as Jon staggers away he sees... Yigritte aiming at him, who if you were watching this as it aired hadn't seen each other in a year, not sure how much time has passed in the show but for me it's only been like 5 days lmao, and she aims right at his head and struggles to know what to do when AN ARROW BURSTS THROUGH YIGRITTE'S CHEST FIRED BY...
OLLY!!! THE LITTLE BOY FROM THE HAMLET LOOKING SUPER PROUD TO HAVE AVENGED HIS PARENTS!!! YES!!! DIE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! AND HE GIVES JON A NOD AS IF HE'S A MAN NOW TOO LETTING HIM KNOW HE HAS HIM COVERED AND JON JUST LOOKS IN SHOCK AS HIS FIRST EVER LOVER STANDS THERE STRUGGLING TO BREATHE
fucking based tbqh as I was just saying I was expecting one of those two other storylines to resolve but bringing those two together is a great move since you expect them to be switched and uhh Yigritte deserves to fucking die lmao another option could have been if Jon had had different adventures maybe to toughen him up even more since the last time Yigritte and he met, like maybe Karl tricked him into trusting him and then betrayed him and tortured his men in some fucked up way in front of him so he came back far more mistrusting, and Yigritte tried to seduce him and he just killed her without even thinking about it, since too many media have the badass hero who kills any evil men but then an evil woman comes along and it's ohhh nooo muh diiiick rather than just ice the thot too but oh well my incel dreams remain unfulfilled, and he catches Yig in his arms and tells her not to talk but she cant help but say "remember that cave? we should have stayed in that cave" and Jon does the same meme as Sam and says "we should go back there" and this cheeky thot uses her last breath to say the meme "you know nothing Jon Snow" and YIGRITTE DIES IN JON'S ARMS and she sits there cuddling her corpse and crying as the battle rages around him in slo-mo, uhhh good I didn't like her character but she could have been waaaaay worse these sorts of "oh my a woman who's sassy and one of the guys!" tropes are usually obnoxious but it worked as a good counter balance to the uptight serious Jon and it made sense why she'd act that way since she comes from a very vulgar culture where women fight as much as the men and rather than being le hooker with le heart of gold or whatever like characters who have this personality she was actually an evil savage who murdered people lmao I guess there was some drama to ring out of her with Jon dealing with that fact of her nature now that she'd been exposed to civilians in the south and like struggling to kill her or whatever but oh well back to the MGTOW life it is
then on the other side of The Wall the climbers are getting close so Edd yells "DROP THE SCYTHE BOYS!" guessing this is going to be them swinging scythes around the wall or something and one of the guys slams a sledge hammer down on a trigger that breaks off some ice and he slams it down again causing A MASSIVE BOAT ANCHOR LIKE SCYTHE THE SIZE OF A DOUBLE DECKER BUS TO FALL OUT OF THE SHATTERING ICE
and Edd yells "hoist her up!" to reload, ok that is fucking retarded lmao it just perfectly swings at the right angle to get the guys and they wasted that on like 4 of them and then they can somehow lift this bus-sized thing back up ok duuuude and Edd looks down at... the retreating Wildlings! and tells his men "that's them had enough for the night" as they all scream in celebration but he tells them "don't cheer too loud, they still outnumber us a thousand to one"
and down on the ground Jon finds the only enemy left alive is... ginger nut, with two arrows in his back, still flailing his sword around as he's surrounded by the Night's Watchmen, and Jon tries to talk to him "Tormund... it's over... let it end" but Tormund snarls "this is how a man ends" AND TAKES A SWING AT A SOLDIER BUT JON JUST TAKES A CROSSBOW AND PUTS A BOLT IN HIS KNEE...I was a savage goat fucker like you until I took an arrow to the knee! and when Jon walks up he still tries to stab him but he just kicks it away and Tormund looks up at him expecting him to kill him but Jon orders "put him in chains, we'll question him later" and he screams down at him "I SHOULD HAVE THROWN YOU! FROM THE TOP OF THE WALL BOY!" and Jon admits to himself "aye, you should have" interesting scene since usually it's the hero who tries to die heroically but gets taken alive
then we see Gilly's door being opened again so she grabs a frozen leg of lamb to defend herself with but it's just Sam and she stares in wonder that her love is safe as he jokes "promised you didn't I?" and then he turns around to see... the bald coward curled up in the corner lmao
then outside the next morning Sam and Jon are discussing their latest tower defence game session as their men clean up all the dead bodies but Jon reminds him this is just the first night and Sam claims this was a great victory but Jon warns him that "Mance was testing our defences, he almost made it through and he has more giants, he has more mammoths, he has a thousand times as many men, they'll hit us again tonight, maybe we can hold them off for a day or two, but we'll never beat them" and Sam asks "where are we going?" and Jon says my thoughts, just sneak over there and kill the cunt but I assume he means negotiate an alliance against the White Walkers, "GOING TO FIND MANCE" and Sam's like wtf m8 but Jon points out there's no one to give him orders otherwise and Mance is the linchpin of the Wildlings unifying and the absolute mad lads plan is indeed just merc him but Sam warns "they'll never let you within 100 yards of him" sounds like a job for soon to be stealth operative Arya but Jon figures he's dead either way and Sam warns "they wont just kill you, they'll boil you! flay you! make it last days!" and Jon admits "you're right, it's a bad plan, what's your plan?" and Sam just stands there knowing it's all fucked and this is the best they've got so Jon walks off and Sam just picks up a torch to go with him down the tunnel to find.... yeah... all the men are dead..... BUT THEY MANAGED TO TAKE THE GIANT WITH THEM probably saving all their brothers, damn
and the lads kneel down at their fallen friend and Jon says "they held the gate" as he struggles not to tear up and tells Sam they need to burn the bodies and not just out of respect as he goes to the big iron gate and orders "raise the outer gate and then lower it as soon as I'm out" so Sam waves his torch to give the signal and Jon... takes his sword off and gives it to Sam explaining "I promised Mormont I'd never lose it again" and the gate slooowly rises up showing hints of the carnage outside and Sam asks "Jon? come back" and he just smiles to him knowing he probably wont (j/k he has insane plot armor) and walks out into the North as we fade to white and then cut to black for the credits, wew
well that was clearly very like season 2's episode 9, just an entire episode of a siege situation with no cutaways to lame "Dany argues with Jorah" scenes, although I didn't feel it was anywhere near as good as season 2's since Jon and Sam are the only well written characters in there other than almost all the best characters in the show fighting in KL and it made a lot more logical sense where it was a normal siege situation even with the fantasy element of the wildfire but this episode was like everything happening on The Wall itself was retarded and fantastical with only the courtyard battle feeling like it had proper stakes as opposed to 100K cgi models trying to climb up a cgi wall they could just attack from any other area, you know what this show needs? centric episodes, LOST managed to get around the not very episodic and very serialized nature of it's overall plot by focusing each episode on an individual character, but I can't really think of any other series that did that, like all the rip-off shows of LOST were just following the ensemble cast in general, with similar shows only rarely having an episode just feature one character, like that one Xander episode of Buffy that was treated like a joke, I guess LOST is truly the greatest tv kino of all time but that'd be the solution to this show having seasons where like if you are a big fan of Dany she is only in half the episodes and in some of those she only has one scene and all she accomplishes is like she kills some fat black guy and that's it for that season and she's like the main protagonist never mind if you want to see what like Brie is doing which is nothing but go to an inn once
Game of Thrones 4x10: "The Children" DnD combat instance special edition
First aired: June 15, 2014
first thing I notice is this episode is longer than usual, most episodes seem to be like 50 to 54 minutes long but this one's a full hour long oh my, I guess HBO have realized they can do whatever they want since this is the biggest show in the world at this stage, anyway we open where we left with Jon walking through the smouldering carnage and burned Wildling bodies and the other giants corpse, boy am I glad I'm not doing my autistic thing from another thread that'll never be published where I count up kill counts because this would be a headache
anyway then brainlet retard Jon wanders straight into the woods and is immediately surrounded by Wildlings who... let him walk walk straight up to Mance who was right there at the front lines... uh... ok... just fucking stab him right now do it right now right now right now you fucking moron and Mance notes "you're wearing a black cloak again" and Jon growls "I've been set to negotiate with you" and they look at each other suspiciously as if Jon has told them he's going back to the Night's Watch as a double agent but is really still loyal to him and is about to play that off to him right now as part of some ebin triple agent scheme to lure him into an ambush by pretending the Night's Watch are going to be at a certain place or whatever using the intel he supposedly "leaked" to them like a counter-counter-counter-ambush but that's probably too smart for Jon but Mance lets him in his command tend and has him sit down by the fire for some reason and he tells him "it appears my trusting nature got the better of me, it's happened before, I was hoping your loyalty was real when you pledged yourself to us Jon Snow I truly was" and Jon just tells the truth "the Halfhand ordered me to join your army and bring back whatever information I could to Castle Black, he made me kill him so you'd trust me, I was loyal... to him and to my Night's Watch vows!" and Mance just stares at him surprised that this dipshit is admitting everything, maybe he'll try to defend again after spinning some sob story about how his men abused Gilly or Yigritte or he wants to fight for the winning side for real this time or something and Mance calls him out "all your vows? she wasn't enough to turn you eh? were you enough to turn her?" implying maybe Mance got her to seduce Jon in the first place and Jon tells him "she put three arrows in me when I escaped" and Mance looks surprised to hear this and asks "did you see her again at Castle Black?" and Jon just says "she's dead" and is honest that it wasn't him and Mance sucks it up as if he was close to her and says "we'll drink to her" and his men pour Jon something and he looks at it suspiciously and Mance sees and promises "of all the ways I'd kill you poison would be the last" so they both drink to Yigritte, just stab the cunt right now, but as soon as Jon takes a drink he starts coughing... and says "that's not wine" and Mance says "no its a proper northern drink Jon Snow" looked like fucking cum to me
and Mance compliments him on taking out their best men and asks what happened to Mag the Mighty and Jon growls "he's dead, he killed my friend Grenn" and Mance sighs "he was their King, the last of a bloodline that stretches back before the First Men" and Jon just says "Grenn came from a farm" like they're all equal to him and then they drink again to "Mag and Grenn" but Jon switches it to "Grenn and Mag" so they're still equal and then Mance orders them something to eat and a Wildling... picks up a butcher's knife, and tells Jon "so, you're here to strike a bargain? you know I know you're low on arrows, you're low on oil, you're low on men, how many are left, 50?" and Jon claims again they have 1000 and Mance calls bullshit that he showed him his entire army and so did Jon and Mance admits to the obvious move that he sent 500 men to climb the wall five miles west and Mance explains that he doesn't want to exterminate his people or anything, they just need to get south of The Wall since Winter is Coming™ before they end up "worse than dead" aka White Walker'd so Mance offers him the bargain "you go back, you open the gates to us and I wear to you that no one else will die... refuse... and we'll kill every last man at Castle Black" and all his men take out their swords but Mance says "ah!" to stop them as he's realized they've realized Jon has realized he has to kill him now and he taunts "I reckon you could do it before any of them could stop you, they'd kill you of course, they'd you slow, but you knew that when you came in here... are you capable of that Jon Snow? killing a man in his own tent when he's just offered you peace? is that what the Night's Watch is? is that what you are?" as Jon stares like a moron at him and then suddenly AN ALERT HORN GOES OFF AND MANCE PUTS A KNIFE TO JON'S THROAT AND GROWLS "YOU ATTACKING US?" but Jon claims "no! it's like you said we don't have the men" uhhh ooooooooh and Mance runs outside to see.... A HUGE MOUNTED ARMY CHARGING AT THEM!!!
thinking it was the bloody zombies and Mance yells at his men to fall in on him as Jon hears the stampede of thousands of horses flood into the forest and the camera pans over to reveal... ANOTHER MOUNTED ARMY DOING A PINCER MOVEMENT FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!
AND THEY RIDE THROUGH THE FORREST SLAUGHTERING THE WILDLINGS WHO TRY TO FIGHT BACK BUT THERE'S TOO MANY HORSES AND WHEN THEY MEET IN THE MIDDLE AT THE CENTRE OF THE WILDLING ARMY THEY TURN THE FORREST INTO A FUCKING MEAT GRINDER SLASHING EVERY CUNT APART FROM BOTH SIDES
and Mance looks around in horror as his men are exterminated that he clearly respects so throws down his sword and orders "STAND DOWN! I said my people have bled enough and I meant it" and the men around him surrender and so do all the other Wildlings and the cavalry stop attacking and pace around intimidating them and then out of the trees come's... STANNIS AND DAVOS!!! HOLY FUCKING BASED!!!
and they dismount all in unison and walk towards Mance and A WILDLING RUSHES AT STANNIS AXE RAISED BUT A HORSE CHARGES IN AT 50MPH OUT OF NOWHERE AND CUTS HIM DOWN WITH STANNIS NOT EVEN BREAKING HIS STRIDE to show what a finely oiled machine Stannis has his army at now he got his funding from (((them)))
and Mance takes out two knives... but drops them... as Stannis men start taking all his men prisoner, and Stannis asks "you're the King-Beyond-The-Wall?" of Mance who doesn't know who he is so Davos does his titledrop meme and Mance just taunts "we're not in the Seven Kingdom's and you're not dressed for this weather" as Stannis is in his usual chainmail get-up and Stannis just coldly says "it is customary to kneel when surrendering to a king" and stares Mance down who... tells him "we do not kneel" and Stannis warns they can't feed all their prisoners so "their fate depends on their king" but Mance wont break and says "all the same, we don't kneel" so he orders his men to arrest him and Davos asks Jon "what's a man of the Night's Watch doing in a wildling camp?" and he just looks confused at them and explains his situation and Davos insists he calls Stannis "Your Grace" and Jon insists "I know he's the king, my father died for him! my name is Jon Snow, Your Grace, Ned Stark's son" and with no reaction Stannis says "your father was an honerable man" but then asks "what do you think your father would have done with him?" and Jon tells him... "I was this man's prisoner once, he could have tortured me, he could have killed me, but he spared me, I think my father would have spared him, hear what he had to say" so Stannis says "very well" and then Jon adds "Your Grace... if my father had seen the things I had seen... he'd also tell you to burn the dead before nightfall... all of them" and Stannis looks at him completely pokerface but probably thinking wtf is going on up here m8, ok, maybe there'll be an explanation for this like Tywin cut a deal with Stannis to stop the Wildling invasion but seems a bit Deus Ex Stannisa at the moment
then back in KL Jaime's personal Maester and Pycelle are studying The Mountain's wounds as he lays on a long table barely big enough to hold his massive body and the unofficial Maester proposes they give him dat good shit for the pain but Pycelle points out he's unresponsive as "the cause appears to be manticore venom" (isn't that a monster that's like a lion with a scorpion's tail and a human head? that's real in GoT uhhh ok) and Cersei, covering her nose from the stench of Gregor's rotting wounds, snarls "bloody Martells" and Pycelle claims "there's nothing to be done" but the dodgy Dr. Mengele dude mutters "yes there is" and goes into Pycelle's things and starts pottering around claiming he can save him but Pycelle warns Cersei "this man is not even a maester, let alone a grand maester!" and grasses him up for his unnatural experiments but Cersei just says "you're dismissed... Grand Maester" and Pycelle gets uppity saying "this is my laboratory!" and Cersei just says "not anymore" so Pycelle storms out in a huff and the dodgy maester starts putting in an IV drip into The Mountain and claims "if my past work is any guide... we stand a chance" and Cersei offers him anything he needs since Gergor is one of her family's biggest assets, literally, and the maester warns "you should know... the process may change him... somewhat" and Cersei just asks "will it weaken him?" and the maester smiles "oh no" so Cersei allows "very well then" and then THE MAESTER STARTS EXTRACTING ALL OF THE MOUNTAINS BLOOD I guess doing a similar procedure of a more scientific nature that Dany tried to get that witch to do on Aquaman, I know what happens to him and it's kind of a fitting fate, The Mountain barely had any humanity and now he's condemned to losing it entirely and since he's worked for evil cunts all his life they show him losing what little soul he has left zero consideration as he's nothing but a huge hunk of meat to point in the right direction to them, also some dank realism for Oberyn to have poisoned his weapons which is a smart play for a fight to the death, either he wins and no one ever knows since his blades kill Gregor first... or he's not around to face the consequences for dishonerable conduct when the poison does get him if he just manages to at least cut him as he might have wanted to save Tyrion but his revenge was his main motivation
then we cut to Tywin who's yelling at Cersei "we've been over this, the matter's closed!" as they argue about her marriage to Loras as they are back to the situation of Jaime refusing to leave the Kingsguard and Tyrion'll be fucking dead tomorrow so it's up to her to carry on the family name and he starts guilting her into it but she whispers "I don't care" as if she's too scared to defy her father too loudly and insists she's staying in King's Landing with her son and not going off to live with Loras so Tywin tells her a story about how when she was 9 and refused to be left home alone and Cersei cuts him off "I'm not interested in listening to another one of your smug stories about the time you won, this isn't going to be one of those times" and Tywin just looks at her soullessly like after all these years this dumb bitch doesn't understand how the world works and asks "do you think you'll be the first person to be dragged into a Sept to be married against her will?" and she almost starts crying as she tells him about the time she almost mercy killed Tommen and Tywin turns around realizing damn... maybe she is a Real Nigga after all, like for a split second he has respect for her for being willing to poison her own son to save him a worse fate, but Cersei spoils it by saying "someone awful is coming to take him away" again but Tywin just deadpans "no" as she's lost him and she tries to reason "Joffrey is dead, Myrcella's been sold like livestock and now you want to ship me off to highgarden and steal my boy? my last boy? Margaery will dig her claws in, you'll dig your claws in and you'll fight over him like beasts until you rip him apart!" an accurate summation and Cersei screams at him letting her carefully maintained perfect posture and perfect diction slip into a more natural less feminine mode "I will burn our house to the ground before I let that happen!!!" but Tywin doesn't give a fuck about his daughter's suffering and asks flippantly "and how will you do that?" like feelings don't mean shit to him, only actions and if they're successful at effecting the real world enough, and Cersei threatens "I'll tell everyone the truth" and Tywin mocks "and what truth would that be?" and Cersei stands there like ".................." realizing she finally has one over on her father and goes "you don't know do you?" literally like the twitch chat meme and Tywin looks at her actually worried as she says "you never believed it, how is that possible?" and Tywin just looks at her as if he's plying dumb but Cersei calls out his entire problem "what am I saying? of course it's possible, how can someone so consumed by the idea of his family have any conception what his actual family was doing? we were right there in front of you and you didn't see us, one real look in the past 20 years at your own children and you would have known" and Tywin starts to catch on and actually starts shaking and asks "known what?" and Cersei gets a sadistic grin as she finally gets to hurt her father as she reveals "....EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS TRUE ABOUT JAIME AND ME"
and Tywin literally does the "no no no no no no no" meme and can't bare to look at her as Cersei tells him "YOUR WHOLE LEGACY IS A LIE" and the actor does a great job of seeming like he's so deep in thought as his mental excel spreadsheet all falls apart if his grandchildren are not even really Baratheon then they're not even really royalty and that means they're his DOUBLE grandchildren and his whole family is fucked and he has no legacy lmao and he goes into denial saying "I don't believe you" trying to shut himself down but Cersei just gives him a super evil smile and says "yes you do" and walks away leaving Tywin super nervously clenching a key he was holding as if the key to his future is fucking FUCKED and his whole life is ruined and he's been abusing his own children all their lives for fucking nothing and it's all his fault, uh oh, me thinks he's gonna do something awful if he's such a cunt most of the time and this is the first time he's actually emotional, ANOTHER scene that would be interesting to read if that rape had happened since that would be as good enough reason as ever or Cersei to sacrifice that relationship for leverage over her father if she can't stand to touch Jaime now
speak of the not-rapist Jaime is reading his one-page entry in the history book again which I guess is ye olde goggling yourself when his sister walks in and he snipes "you won, one fewer brother, must be proud of yourself, there's really nothing you wouldn't do is there?" odd that he didn't try to talk her out of it before the trial if he thinks they still have an intimate relationship since this is the alternate reality where he didn't destroy it by raping her and Cersei grits her teeth and says "for my family, no, nothing, I would do things for my family you couldn't imagine" and Jaime tries to points out "Tyrion is your family" to reason with her but but she claims "he's not" and when Jaime tries to say "you don't get to choose" Cersei looks deep into his eyes super confidently as if she has him wrapped around her finger, another scene that takes on a totally different meaning if the rape happened as if she's going to blackmail him with running tell that family secret too or figures he's so obsessed with her to do that he must really have power over him but oh well, and says "I do... so do you, you can choose the creature that killed our mother to come into this world" and Jaime sits down saying "are you really mad enough to blame him or that? he didn't decide to kill her, he was an infant!"" like he's just exasperated at all the dysfunctional dishonesty in his family where everyone lies to each other and himself, something that would read as completely dishonest emotional manipulation if the rape had happened, and Cersei looks at him mad for disrupting her coping mechanism and sneers "a disease doesn't decide to kill you, all the same you cut it out before it does, what do you decide? what do you choose?" and Jaime tries to reason with her talking about how much he fought to get back to her again but CERSEI JUST WALKS UP AND SNOGS HER BROTHER!!! oh my baaaaby
and Cersei tells him "I choose you" and Jaime says "those are words" as if making the same point the cannibal did to Yigritte but Cersei leans into his ear and whispers "yes, like the ones I just said to father... I told him... about us" and Jaime stares at her in fucking horror "you told him?" and Cersei says "I told him I won't marry Loras Tyrell, I told him I'm staying right here with Tommen, with you" and Jaime looks like he's going to be sick, another reaction that would be a different read if the rape happened since he'd be double guilty, since he knows he's going to be the one getting his father's wrath and he asks "you think he'll just accept that?" and Cersei handwaves "go and ask him" and CERSEI STARTS KISSING JAIME AGAIN and he tries to talk to her but she says "I don't want to talk about Tywin Lannister, I don't choose Tywin Lannister, I don't love Tywin Lannister, I love my brother, I love my lover" as she caresses him in a... very sisterly way like she wants to protect him rather than how it'd usually go of the woman wanting her male lover to protect her, and she... kneels down and purrs "people will whisper, they'll make their jokes, let them, they're all so small I can't even see them, I only see what matters"
and SHE KISSES HIS GOLDEN HAND AND JAIME IS SO ENRAPTURED WITH HIS LOVE AND LUST FOR HIS SISTER HE GRABS HER AND THEY START MAKING OUT AGAIN but Jaime struggles to get back to his senses and mumbles "someone will walk in" and Cersei says "I don't care!" since this is ye olde times before cellphone cameras so it'd just be some unlucky fuckers word against theirs and JAIME TOSSES THE HISTORY BOOK OFF THE TABLE, LAYS HIS SISTER DOWN ON IT AND STARTS FUCKING HER! INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 7 to signal he'd literally throw his legacy away for that sweet sweet forbidden pussy, now despite this being my ultimate wank fodder this is the perfect example of why the Sept """sex""" scene is so much better when read as rape, that Cersei is so goddamn hardcore she'd seduce her rapist and endure him inside her again to get what she wants completely convincing him she wants it this time and that Jaime is so fucked in the head over her and his fucked up family having no concept of real familial love or basic human compassion that he'd fuck her again even knowing the horrible thing he did last time and completely fall for her manipulations, rather than just oh it's another naughty affair between them, which just stagnates what we can learn about Cersei and ignores Jaime's inner turmoil if this is just the business as usual interaction we've seen since the first ever episode and they've according to Cersei been doing for 20 fucking years and the only conflict is that Cersei wanted to stop after not seeing him for 2 years and needs to manipulate him again
then we see Missy giving Dany her insanely long titledrop to an old man as Dany looks like she's struggling to stay looking like she's engaged in whatever this old man has to say as she's busy worrying about Jorah and then the old man says when he used to be a slave he was a teacher and taught a rich man's parents all about her family which cheers her up by inflating her massive ego a bit more even though she probably killed those kids parents and the man sighs and says that the kids didn't want to leave but his master agreed with him that he must... "so I lost my home... now I live on the streets" and Dany stares dumbfounded at him and mentions the barracks she has set up to house the former slaves but the man says there's too much crime there and Dany handwaves it saying her Unsullied will make them set but the man says he still wants his identity back as a teacher and Dany seems confused so he says "I ask you to let me sell myself back to Master Mighdal" since he treated him with love and he had respect as a great tutor and Dany can't understand "you want to return to a man who owned you like a goat or a chair?!" and the man begs that he's too old to change and doesn't want to live in squalor and there's other's feeling the same thing but Dany insists she's here to give people freedom but that also means making your own choices and she decides "I will allow you to sign a contract with your former master, it may not cover a period lasting longer than a year" and the man looks happy and says "thank you Your Grace" and hobbles off ok I'm glad that as Dany actually stays in one spot for more than a night she is actually having to face the consequences of her dramatic actions and I'm glad that's the decision she made since it would have been fucking retarded for it to be a choice between this guy has to get the first job of his life or fuck off to a shelter or literally be a slave again when obviously you could just say you are free to make a deal with him to work for him in return for food and board with no difference from last time except the old man can now leave whenever he wants which is what happened to a lot of black slaves when slavery was ended in the U.S. and is sort of what she's proposing except with the weird stipulation that he could be taken advantage of for that one year and Barry points out "the masters will take advantage of this situation, the men serving them will be slaves in all but name"OK STEADY ON KARL MARX but he's right they'll exploit all these people who are still desperate and destitute but Dany's stipulation she pulled out her thicc ass about year long contracts will probably make it worse, wait this is like ye olde minimum wage lmao, slaves that aren't as smart as that guy who can't be teachers might not get any work if they're not work keeping on contract for a whole year lissss then another goat herder looking man comes up with sack in his arms again but I know what it is this time... and he says "I do not understand my Queen" and starts sobbing as he looks at the sack in his hands and says through Missy "he came from the sky... the black one... the winged shadow" and breaks down crying as he kneels down and SHOWS HER THE CHARRED REMAINS OF HIS DAUGHTER DANY'S DRAGON INCINERATED
then later Dany is asking about Zala, the dead girl, who was only three, as she tries to care about every single person, which ironically only a megalomaniac like her would think is sustainable, and Grey Worm says the black dragon hasn't been seen in three days (sidenote: I'm watching a Let's Play of Telltale's Game of Thrones game which is supposedly allegedly canon to the tv show continuity (being played by the savoir of the aryan race, PewDiePie) and set concurrently with this season and the answer to where Dany's black dragon is seemingly between here and Yunkai scaring the fuck out of the protagonists of that game and killing some mercinaries they were battling in a cave) but Dany makes the tough decision... to seal her green and yellow dragons, who are now the size of little fucking cars themselves, in the city's catacombes where they used to keep their slaves, and there's some really good CGI where they waddle down the stairs with one flying down and sniffing around in the dark until they find some dead goats for them to feast on and play with and Dany walks over to them all sad as... there's chains there waiting for them... and even though it's going to break her heart she takes the collar and puts it around the yellow orangy one's neck and then struggles to put another heavy collar on the green one and has to walk out leaving them trapped underground and they realize she's leaving them and try to folow them but then realize the chains are holding them back and start SCREECHING at her like REEEEEEEEEEEEEE as she orders the door sealed, literally reminds me of having to lock my new dog in her cage when there's cooking going on so she doesn't get boiling water sprayed all over the place and she goes fucking apeshit at being trapped, also if I was Dany I'd chain them at opposite ends since I don't want them getting agitated and fighting each other while literally tethered together so they can't resolve it on their own and kill each other, also it's good she's keeping them away from people but you'd think she wouldn't be fucking dumb enough in the first place to let GIANT FLYING FIRE BREATHING CARNIVORES ROAM AROUND FREE but that's our Dany
then we see the old blind man Aemon giving a funeral ceremony for the fallen brothers as we see Pyp and uh the other guy up on the pyre as he talks about how they gave their lives for men and women and children they'll never even meet and they all go "and now their watch has ended" as Jon lights the funeral pyre and Stannis looks over at his wife and daughter (I was assuming the bank jews were going to do something like hold his daughter as collateral to make sure he's serious about paying them back since I'm sure they are inundated by military commanders like Stannis who believe in doing anything it takes to win including promising to pay back debts they'll never be able to just to vanquish their enemy not caring if it gets themselves killed later as they're already ready to die but might think twice about signing a contract if it means a knife to their kids throat but oh well) seeing that they appreciate a culture that also uses fire... just a bit nicer... and then through the flames Jon spots.... the Red Lady
and then Jon goes to visit the ginger nut who asks why the blind man patched him up and Jon explains "he's sworn to treat all wounded men, friend or foe" presumably with ye olde Hippocratic oath and ginger nut asks if he'll be tortured, but Jon says no, and ginger nut just assumes that means he's dying and asks how and Jon admits it's up to Stannis what happens to him now, I actually somehow didn't get spoiled about Stannis coming to save the Night's watch I never even knew he came up this far North from absorbing all the trivia about this show through the meme-o-sphere and when Jon insists he's not his king ginger nut just smiles and says "you've spent too much time with us Jon Snow" as their AnPrim ways are rubbing off on him and he offers ginger nut the chance to say words for his peoples funeral but ginger nut doesn't understand and says "the dead can't hear us boy" and Jon nods and walks off but ginger nut asks "do you love her? she loved you" and he asks "she told you?" and he laughs at the prospect and says "no, all she ever talked about was killing you, that's how I know... she belongs in the North... the real North, you understand me?" and Jon leaves and we cut to him... taking Yigritte's body out beyond The Wall behind his horse until he gets to that white holy tree and he builds a unreal pyre under it to lay Yig ontop of and sets it alight, uhhhh pretty sure that's going to fucking burn down one of your religion's last places of worship my dude but he walks away crying as it goes up behind him, hard to feel sorry for her since she was killing so many civvies lmao
then we see Hodor struggling to drag bran on a sled through a snowstorm with Summer and the siblings when Jojen collapses and his sister realizes "we're not going to make it" and her brother starts hallucinating again but this time Bran actually calls for him to look as it's not a vision this time they are actually at... the great white tree from their visions with a kind of uhhhh black looking face on it with a wide nose but also... a third eye in the forehead, obviously representing knowledge like the raven, but I guess the crazy lights behind it were just Jojen's hallucinations because when they all approach it it just seems normal
A ZOMBIES HAND BURSTS OUT FROM UNDER JOJEN AND STARTS DRAGGING JOJEN BY HIS FEET UNDER THE ICE!!! AND HIS SISTER SCREAMS AND GRABS HIM AND HODOR PANICS BUT BRAN SCREAMS "HELP THEM!! NOW!!" AND HE RUNS OVER BUT... ANOTHER WHITE WALKERS ARM BURSTS UP IN FRONT OF HIM
AND HE TURNS TO WHINE AT BRAN "HODOR... HODOR!" WHO SCREAMS "HELP THEM!!!" AS JOJEN GETS PULLED AWAY BY HIS SISTER BUT A WHITE WALKERS BURST UP FROM OUT OF THE SNOW BEHIND HODOR AND JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AND OH FUCK!!! AN ENTIRELY SKELETAL WHITE WALKER ERUPTS OUT OF THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THE SIBLINGS!!! IT'S FUCKING SKELETONS!!! 2 SPOOKY 4 ME!!!
AND HIS SISTER TRIES TO FIGHT IT BUT SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO DAMAGE THIS THING THAT SLAPS HER SKIDDING ACROSS THE SNOW AND IT SWINGS A BATTLEAXE THROUGH JOJEN'S WALKING STAFF AND HIS SISTER RUNS UP RAMMING A SWORD IN IT'S SKULL TEARING IT CLEAN OFF AND ANOTHER SKELETON RISES FROM THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THEM AND RUSHES MEERA WHO STARTS DEFLECTING IT'S SWORD BLOWS AS ANOTHER ONE BURSTS OUT IN FRONT OF... BRAN!
AND STARTS CLIMBING UP HIS SLED AND BRAN STARTS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT CAN'T MANAGE IT AND IT'S ALMOST AT HIS FACE WHEN... SUMMER CHARGES IT!!! RUNNING OFF WITH IT BETWEEN HER JAWS
AND BRAN SEES A SECOND ONE LEAP ON TOP OF HODOR AND START SMASHING HIM WITH A MALLET AND HE SCREAMS "HODOR!" BUT HODOR'S PANICKING TERRIFIED FOR HIS LIFE SO... BRAN WARGS INTO HODOR AND USES HIS BODY TO EFFORTLESSLY CATCH THE MALLET AND THROW THE WHITE WALKER OFF OF HIM AND PUT HIS FINGERS INTO THE EMPTY EYESOCKETS OF THE OTHER ONE TO THROW IT OFF TOO AND BRAN CONTROLS HODOR TO USE THE MALLET TO SWORD FIGHT ANOTHER ONE
AS MEERA HOLDS OFF THE OTHER PUTTING THE HANDLE OF THE BATTLEAXE SHE GRABBED THROUGH IT'S RIBCAGE AND SHE SHOVES JOJEN BACK AS HE TRIES TO HELP TO KEEP HIM AWAY AND KICKS THE WHITE WALKER AWAY AND JOJEN SEES ANOTHER WHITE WALKER ERUPT OUT THE GROUND BEHIND BRAN AND CALLS FOR HIM BUT HIS MIND IS STILL IN HODOR'S BODY BUSY FIGHTING AND HE BEGS HIM "SAVE YOURSELF! NOW!" AS HE TRIES TO GET HODOR OVER TO THEM AS... THE DECAPITATED WHITE WALKER BODY BESIDE HIM STARTS TAKING OUT A KNIFE!!!
AS BRAN MAKES HODOR SMASH THE OTHER ONES HEAD CLEAN OFF WITH THE MALLET AND MEERA SWINGS HER BATTLEAXE UP THROUGH THE CROTCH OF THE SKELETON SHE'S FIGHTING COMPLETELY BISECTING IT BUT WHEN SHE TURNS AROUND...
AND SHE CRUSHES IT'S BODY WITH THE AXE AS BRAN WATCHES THROUGH HODOR'S EYES BUT THEN HE TURNS HIM TO SEE HIS OWN BODY HE SEES TWO WHITE WALKERS RUSHING HIM FROM BEHIND
AND LOOKS SCARED IN HODOR'S BODY AS HE KNOWS HE CAN'T GET TO HIS BODY IN TIME BUT... A SHOOTING FIREBALL TAKES OUT THE WHITE WALKERS!!! MAGIC MISSILE! MAGIC MISSILE!
and as Meera holds the dying Jojen she tells her "he is lost, come with me or die with him" and he tells his sister "go with them" as he lays there dying and another White Walker erupts out the ground near them and Hodor carries Bran over to the Wildling girl and Meera takes her knife out of the skull and appears to mercy kill her own brother with it before running off crying from all the respawning mobs around her and the Wildling girl sees one of the White Walkers going near Jojen's corpse
so she appears to THROW A FUCKING INCENDIARY GRENADE AT THEM immolating his body before he can be converted and as our heroes run into a cave THE LOLI THROWS ANOTHER GRENADE BLOWING UP A WHITE WALKER
and runs after our heroes as the skeletons pile in behind them but AS SOON AS THE SKELETONS GET OVER THE THRESHOLD OF THE CAVE THEY ALL EXPLODE APART INTO THEIR CONSTITUTE BONES
ok that was the most Dungeons & Dragons shit I've ever seen, our party of four characters, three of them having status effects nerfing them, come to the climax of their quest and try to use all their special abilities like animal companions and psychic powers on endlessly spawning skeleton warriors too dumb to realize they need to move from the area until the literal dungeon master realizes they're not going to make it on their own and ruin his carefully plotted gradually revealed story so just has some random never before seen OP AF NPC come in and save their useless asses also rip Jojen he literally did not contribute anything to the story other than being the NPC that urges the hero to use his abilities that could have been fulfilled by Meera or just not happened at all and a confidence he found naturally and the loli explains the obvious "they cannot follow us, the power that moves them is powerless here" and Bran asks "who are you?" and the girl says "the First Men called us the Children but we were born long before them" ah these are the elf surrogates I've heard about and she says "come, he waits for you" and runs off so a very confused Hodor carries Bran after Meera as they follow this loli through this cave that's covered with the roots of a tree as others of her kind seem to fleet around spying on them and Hodor looks down at Bran when he sees a weird collection of roots almost like a tree in the center where some light shines down as even he realizes they're at their destination so he puts Bran down so he can crawl the extra few meters of the journey to his destiny and he says to THIS OLD ASS MAN SITTING WITHIN THE ROOTS
"you're the three eyed raven" and this ancient guy tells him "I've been many things, now I am what you see" and Meera starts crying about her brother but the old man says "he knew what would happen, from the moment he left, he knew and he went anyway, I've been watching you, all of you, all of your lives, with 1000 eyes and one, now you've come to me at last, Brandon Stark... though the hour is late" implying this man is a powerful Warg and Bran looks around to see... he's laying on top of loads of skeletons... hopefully White Walkers the man has defeated... or maybe other disabled people he lured there with the same trick... and Bran insists "I didn't want anyone to die for me" and the old man says "he died so you can find what you have lost" and Bran smiles as he realizes "you're going to help me walk again" but the old man replies "you're never going to walk again" hahahaahahah but he adds "BUT YOU WILL FLY" and Bran looks at him like ya wut, I guess he means transfer his mind entirely into an animals body like a bird?
then we cut to Brie waking up and waking Podrick up as she's discovering PODRICK FAILED TO TIE UP THE HORSES AND THEY'VE RUN OFF LMAOOOOOO it's weird how for like literally 99.999% of human civilization we've been riding horses and only in the last like 100 years has it not been a thing anymore and we use machines instead and even in third world shitholes people just take a bike or a pile in the back of a pick-up truck that's always a toyota for some reason and Pod desperately tries to suggest it was thieves but Brie just grabs her sword and tells him "it's 30 miles to the Eyrie from here, you're carrying the saddle bags!" as he stares off into the distance hoping to see the horses, but then as they march through these lovely celtic highlands Brie comes upon... ARYA TRAINING WITH NEEDLE, fucking finally these characters storylines are coming together, imagine watching this for a fucking year waiting for three duos of characters to get to the same location and two of them only meet in the last episode lmao
and she whispers "people coming... you can shit later there's people coming!" and Brie comes up and pleasantly says "morning!" but Arya just glares at her and says slowly "...morning" and Brie tries to be friendly as she can tell she's just a young girl and says "I like your sword" and asks "are we getting close to the Bloody Gate?" and when Arya says "about 10 more miles" Brie says to Podrick who looks like he's about to shit himself as he lugs the bags up the hill "you hear that? only 10 more miles to the Bloody Gate" and Arya asks impressed "are you a knight?" and Brie admits "no" and Arya asks "but you know how to use that sword?" and Brie tries to hide her pride and says "I do" but when Arya asks "does it have a name?" Brie gets a big goofy smile as she meets another lady who appreciates giving swords dumb names and tells her "Oathkeeper" and Arya says "mine's needle" and Brie compliments "good name" and Arya asks "who taught you how to fight?" and Brie says respectfully "my father" and Arya says "mine never wanted to, he said fighting was for boys" and Brie tells her as Podrick stands in the background looking super confused as to this new player character they've run across "mine said the same, but I kept fighting the boys anyway! kept losing, finally my father said, "if you're going to do it might as well do it right"" which gets a smile out of Arya and then THE HOUND COMES STAGGERING OUT doing up his pants and Brie says friendly "seven blessings, I'm Brienne of Tarth, this is Podrick Payne" to him and The Hound just stares at them vacantly as if he's drifting away from civilised ways so much he's forgotten how to even talk to people and then grunts "you want something?" and Pod, making himself useful to her for once, warns his lady "that's Sandor Clegane: The Hound" and Brie's face drops as she notices Arya's odd demeanour and realizes "you're Arya Stark" as serious music kicks in and The Hound notices her noticing and puts his hand on his sword and asks "I said do you want something?"
but Brie already has her hand on hers and goes into auto-oath-keeping-mode and tells her "I swore to your mother I would bring you home to her" and Arya tells her "my mother's dead" and Brie tragically "I know, I wish I had been there to protect her" and The Hound looks vaguely annoyed as he remembers he was there and couldn't do anything and Arya asks curious "you're not a Northerner" and Brie says seriously "no, but I swore a sacred vow to protect her" and Arya asks "why didn't you?" and Brie explains "she commanded me to bring Jaime Lannister back to King's Landing" and The Hound assumes "you were paid by the Lannisters" while glaring at her and he accuses "you're here for the bounty on me" and Brie grimaces at him and says "I'm not paid by the Lannisters" but he growls "no? fancy sword you've got there, where'd you get it?" and Brie looks worried at Arya knowing she can't explain this in a way that sounds good and The Hound growls "I've been looking at Lannister gold all my life... go on "Brieanne of fucking Tarth" tell me that's not Lannister gold" and she tries to explain anyway "Jaime Lannister gave me this sword" but Arya can see where this is going and reminds her "The Bloody Gate is 10 miles" and Brie starts up her autism "I swore to your mother by the old gods-" but Arya cuts her off "I don't care what you swore" and when Brie cries her name The Hound insists "you heard the girl, she's not coming with you" but Brie looks at him straight in the face and says "she is" so THE HOUND HALF-UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD, AND SO DOES BRIE and he warns her "you're not a good listener, Valyrian steel? I always wanted some Valyrian steel" and Brie promises Arya "come with me Arya, I'll take you to safety" and The Hound barks "safety?! where the FUCKS that?! her aunty's dead, her mother's dead, her father's dead, her brother's dead, Winterfell is a pile of rubble, there is no safety you DUMB BITCH" and looks at her with a quivering lip like he can barely take this world anymore but knows to hide it and insists "if you don't know that by now you're the wrong one to watch over her" and Brie smirks and asks "and that's what you're doing? watching over her?" and The Hound finally admits to himself "aye, that's what I'm doing" and BRIE AND THE HOUND BOTH DRAW THEIR SWORDS and Arya just looks on smiling like she'll enjoy to see if she can win and Podrick looks on concerned for his lady as BRIE AND THE HOUND START CAREFULLY TESTING EACH OTHER CLANGING THEIR SWORDS TOGETHER
AND AS SOON AS BRIE REALIZES THE HOUND AS THE STRENGTH ADVANTAGE SHE TAKES OFF RUNNING THROUGH THE BOULDERS AS THE HOUND GIVES CHASE WITH SPARKS SPEWING OFF THE ROCKS AS HE SWIPES AT HER AND WHEN BRIE TURNS TO BLOCK HIS ATTACKS HE BACKHANDS HER IN THE FACE SENDING HER FALLING DOWN A HILL AND ARYA AND POD RUSH UP TO WATCH AS THE HOUND LAYS DOWN SWINGS AT HER BUT SHE PARRIES THEM ALL AND EVEN TAKES HIM KNEEING HER IN THE STOMACH
AND GETS CONTROL OF HIS SWORD AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE SPITS OUT BLOOD AS SHE TAKES A DUELLING STANCE LIKE JAIME DID WITH HER AND THEY CLASH AGAIN WITH BRIE KNOWING NOT TO STAY STILL AND LET THE HOUND USE HIS STRENGTH ADVANTAGE ON HER BUT HE JUST BACKHANDS HER AGAIN AND ALMOST GETS HER ON THE GROUND BUT BRIE SAVES HERSELF AND SPRINGS BACK UP WITH A SATISFIED GRIN
BUT THE HOUND ISN'T AMUSED AND TRIES ATTACKING HER AGAIN GETTING WINDED NOW BLOCKING BRIE ATTACKING SUPER FAST UNTIL SHE KICKS HIM ONTO THE GROUND AND SLAPS HIS SWORD AWAY AS HE TRIES TO STAB AT HER LEGS AND HOLDS HIM AT HER SWORDPOINT as he's down on his knees and he just stares at her like so what and she tells him "I have no wish to kill you Ser"THE HOUND JUST GRABS BRIE'S SWORD WITH HIS BARE HANDS and Brie looks at him like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's cheating and she tries to take it off him but he holds down as hard as he can as blood runs out of his fists not giving a shit about how injured he gets as Brie looks at him like he must be insane and he stands back up holding her blade firm and he informs her "I'm not a knight"
BUT SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE TESTICLES AND STARTS CRUSHING THEM!!! AND THE HOUND ROLLS OVER THROWING HER AWAY AND GROANS IN PAIN AS BRIE DESPERATELY TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY SO... THE HOUND KICKS HER IN THE VAGINA!!! AND BRIE SCREECHES IN PAIN
ONLY FOR HIM TO KICK HER IN THE HEAD AND HE MOUNTS HER AND PULLS HER CHEST UP AND STARTS PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE AND PULLS HER INTO A HEADBUTT AND TAKES OUT A KNIFE TO KILL HER BUT BRIE SCREAMS IN PRIMAL FURY AND ROLLS HIM OFF OF HER AND BITES HIS EAR TEARING IT OFF!!!
AND THE HOUND GROWLS IN AGONY AS BRIE GASPS FOR BREATH AND GRABS A ROCK AND SPITS OUT HIS EAR AND THE HOUND SNARLS IN ANGER AND SWINGS AT HER WITH HIS KNIFE BUT BRIE DODGES AND SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A ROCK BUT THE HOUND STAYS STANDING AND TRIES TO THRUST HIS KNIFE BUT BRIE JUST JUMPS INTO HIS ARMS AND BLUDGEONS HIS SKULL OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH IT
UNTIL HE STAGGERS BACK DROPPING HIS KNIFE AND AS BRIE TRIES TO RAIN DOWN ANOTHER BLOW ON HIM HE CHARGES INTO HER PUNCHING HER IN THE GUT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS HARD AS HE CAN BUT WHEN HE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE SHE COMES ROARING BACK SMASHING HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE ROCK DESTROYING IT SO SHE GRABS HIS ARMOR TO STOP HIM ESCAPING AND BRIE STARTS HAYMAKERING HIM IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER AGAIN SCREAMING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL
and she collapses on the ground exhausted as The Hound hits the ground and starts rolling down a hill, wow that was an incredible fight, I remember the butthurt on /tv/ when The Hound was defeated by a woman and I was expecting it to be a scene where le strong woman who don't need no man effortlessly outskills le mean rude man but that was fucking hardcore as hell, it started out a bit daft where it's kind of contrived they start fighting, I get The Hound isn't very well mentally but you'd think Brie would be able to keep the situation peaceful by just asking Arya where they're going now then and suggesting they just go with her as they're looking for her sister which I'm sure Arya would want and it seemed like kind of a forced situation to get a fanservice "who would win?" match-up that's the sort of dumb shit you see in other shows where two people are fighting in really anyway never mind with deadly weapons just to le test each other but that's what the scene's playing on where the film-making with all the wide lovely shots of the hills starts off sort of mischievous like it's just fun to see these two duelling but we get to see some good character moments where as The Hound says he aint no knight either and is not interested in fighting with honor like Brie he's 100% ready to die and doesn't care how fucked up he gets as long as he gets to go down swinging but while Brie has high moral character she's a Real Nigga too and will fight tooth and nail in any way it takes if it's to defend herself and I like how the actress is just shrieking with abandon not in some contrived grrr I'm as manly as the men way but like she's fucking giving birth or some shit as you probably would if you were fighting for your life against a huge angry man trying to snap your neck to really get the point across that having some weird honerable fight to test each other like it's naruto or some shit is retarded and in real life you can kill or be killed in a fight by accident like it's nothing and these are two killers who've realized they have to go all out to win the only daft bit is The Hound doing the meme where he holds a sword by his bare hands, again something tells me no matter how strong you are you can't hold a sharp metal chopping weapon designed to cut through meat and bone with your hands... made of meat and bone, and I guess him smashing Brie in the head over and over again would probably take her out since he's shown he's strong enough to cleave through men's entire torsos with a sword which is probably also dubious in possibility and let's be real women have like less dense bones than men and their muscles can produce less force so she'd probably get her neck snapped by that but if you're jimmy rustled about The Hound losing keep in mind the dude has a poorly sealed bite mark on his shoulder from refusing to let Arya cautarize it so he's probably already coming down with an infection from it and not operating at 100%, anyway Brie forces herself onto her knees and then struggles to stand up and looks around and yells "Arya?! Arya?! ARYAAAAAAAA!!!"
desperate not to have just almost died for nothing and she staggers over to Pod demanding "where is she?!" and useless dipshit Pod cries "shes was just here" and Brie screams at him "why weren't you watching her?!" and Pod whines "I was watching you, I thought you might need help" and Brie slurs "which way Pod? which way did she go?" as we pan up to see Arya on top a hill spying on them rushing off screaming in the direction Pod thinks she went, I like that Brie is clearly still in survival mode here and very distraught since I'm sure she hates the feeling of a man physically overpowering her than most women do since her whole identity is built around being a warrior despite her sex which is another good thing about Brie that she's not le stoic badass warrior woman she was clearly fucking terrified for her life and is still hopped the fuck up on adrenalin and then we see Arya casually walking down to The Hound, who's still alive, but beat to fucking shit with his face swelling up as he pathetically struggles to drag himself onto his back and looks down to see he's got a compound fracture in his thigh and he spots Arya and says "you still here? big bitch saved you?" and Arya insists "I don't need saving" and he mocks "no not you, you're a real killer" (I accidentally typed killer as "nigger" there on my first try, I'm tired I'm sorry) and The Hound figures this is it, he's dead meat, and tries not to sound sad as he says "with your water dancing and your Needle" and Arya asks frankly "you gonna die?" as she's already hardened by four seasons in this horrible world The Hound quips "unless there's a maester hiding behind that rock... aye, I'm done" as he sits there squirming to all the injuries he's starting to feel and he tries to keep seeming tough and tells her "I'd skin you alive for some wine" and when Arya gets her flask he tries to shout "fuck water!" but can barely raise his voice and then laughs when he relizes "killed by a woman! I bet you like that" and Arya looks at him blankly and The Hound tells her "go on after her, she'll help you" as he could tell Brie's a far better person than him from their fight but when she doesn't budge he warns her "going it alone? you won't last a day out there" and Arya looks him in the eyes and points out the fact "I'll last longer than you?" and The Hound realizes he doesn't want to slowly die from internal bleeding all night so asks "you remember where the heart is?" and she nods blankly and The Hound give it a second thought but decides "fuck it, I'm ready... go on girl... another name off your life, you kept promising me" but Arya just stares at him completely pokerfaced not showing him mercy one way or another so The Hound tries to get her in the mood by reminding her "I cut down your butcher's boy, the ginger! he was begging for mercy! "please ser please don't kill me please pleeease", bled all over my horse, saddle stunk of butcher's boy for weeks... and your sister... your pretty sister... I should have taken her... that night the Blackwater burned... I should have fucked her bloody, at least I'd have one happy memory!" but he sees Arya's too gone to be shocked into violence so he pleads "do I have to beg you?" and she just stares like the Driver at him and he just says plainly as he knows begging wont work either "do it" but she just keeps staring and he starts to break down begging anyway "do it.... do it!" and she finally stands up and he smiles hoping his immense suffering is finally over but... ARYA JUST TAKES HIS PURSE and he tries to snatch at it to at least bribe her to put him out of his mercy and she just starts walking off as The Hound, unarmed and crippled, screams after her "kill me! kill me! KILL ME! KILL ME!!!"
unfortunately I have been spoiled that he's alive, I thiiiiiiink, people keep talking about him fighting his brother again, but maybe it's dumb fanwank and this is the last we see of him, he's a great character but getting his death wish answered while sort of trying to do a decent thing and protect Arya from someone who wants to take her away against her will but then being hoisted by his own petard of Arya being too ruthless to mercy kill him and just dying of exposure would be a poetic end, oh well rip these two traveling together they were a really good pair that developed each other well by making the other harder/softer in a believable way since Arya was already toughened up and The Hound was already emotionally vulerable, top fantasy adventuring kino
then in Tyrion's cell he hears the door opening and just grumbles "oh get on with it you son of a whore" but IT'S JAIME who chides "is that any way to speak about our mother?" and Tyrion asks "what are you doing?" and he quips "what do you think I'm doing?" and it's fucking go time as Tyrion rushes out of his cell as his brother tells him "a galley's waiting in the bay bound for the Free Cities" aaah so this is how he ends up with Dany eventually I know from webms of dragon antics and Tyrion's mind is back in the Game (of Thrones™) and has already worked out "who's helping you?" and Jaime immediately reveals "Varys" and Tyrion's like "Varys?" and Jaime just says "you have more friends than you thought" as they rush through the tunnels under the city with Jaime having to bend down but them being the perfect size of Tyrion and Jaime tells his brother a signal to knock on a door for Varys to help him and he asks "I suppose this is goodbye then?" and JAIME KNEELS DOWN TO HUG HIS BROTHER AND KISSES HIM... ON THE CHEEK THANK GOD, BUT WITH TRUE LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES
and they hold each other knowing it'll be the last time and Jaime says "farewell little brother" and goes to rush off but Tyrion says "Jaime... thank you.... for my life" seriously without a pun for once and Jaime just awkwardly says "quickly now" as this is the limit of his emotional vulnerability and Tyrion looks up the staircase... realizing that this is probably the last time he'll ever be in King's Landing... but then figures if that's the case... he's got something to do first... and he sneaks out of a secret passage way in... his father's office... oh shit is he gonna merc his dad? he goes into a womans bedroom and sees... a womans figure on the bed... and her leg moves.... inb4 it's Shae fucking Bronn or somthing, but no.... IT'S SHAE AND SHE'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH TYWIN!!!! LMAO CUCKED BY YOUR OWN DAD!!!! AND SHE WAKE SUP MOANING "TYWIN... MY LION" THE FUCKING CAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!
and Tyrion looks like he can't believe she's found a new way to stab him in the heart and Shae, finding even a third way, GRABS A CHEESE KNIFE BUT TYRION LEAPS ONTOP OF HER GRABBING HER WRIST AND THEY STRUGGLE FOR IT BUT HE MANAGES TO GET IT OUT OF HER HAND ONLY FOR HER TO SLAP HIM AND THEY BOTH FRANTICALLY GRAB AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS SLAPPING EACH OTHERS HANDS AWAY BUT TYRION THINKS FAST AND PULLS HER UP BY HER NECKLACE BUT SHE SLAPS HIM AND HE JUMPS OFF THE BED PULLING ALL HIS WEIGHT DOWN ON THE CHAIN AROUND HER NECK
AND SITS THERE STRANGLING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AS SHE CONVULSES ON HIS FATHERS BED SUMMONING ALL HIS WILL POWER TO KEEP AHOLD OF THE NECKLACE AS THE LIFE LEAVES HER
and when he stops struggling he starts to lose his grip and he cant bare to look over at her dead face and he regresses to a little boy and mutters "I'm sorry" and just sits there saying "I'm sorry" not even able to cry but then he realizes... he's got one last job... the man who caused all this, even that right there, and he looks up with murder in his eyes and Shae's scratch marks on his cheek at.... Joffrey's ornate crossbow... and we see him dragging it and the loading lever down the hallway, and he leaves the lever outside a door and approaches it with the crossbow raised ready to fucking operate and he sees.... TYWIN TAKING A SHIT
absolute kino he catches this monster who's actually frail old man at his most vulnerable, and Tywin reacts "Tyrion? put down the crossbow" with his voice trembling ever so slightly for the first time ever and he sees the child-like distress in Tyrion's eyes and realizes this is deadly serious so gets in the game and demands to know "who released you?" and when Tyrion just stands there more scared than he is he surmises in his crisp low voice "your brother I expect, he always had a soft spot for you, now we'll go talk in my chambers" but Tyrion holds him there at crossbow points and Tywin looks down at his knees sticking out from under his robs and asks "this is how you want to speak to me, hmm?" being a judgemental accusatory disappointed father even now and he starts up the malice "shaming your father has always given you pleasure all y-" and Tyrion finishes his father's sentence "all my life" completely accepting he'll always be an abusive cunt to the extent that he knows exactly what he'll say since he's been hearing it for 31 years straight and Tyrion adds his own ending as if that's what he wants to do here "you've wanted me dead" and Tywin isn't ever going to beg for anything in his entire life, not even itself, and looks his patricidal son dead in the eyes and says "YES" and starts trying to get under his skin "but you refused to die, I respect that, even admire it, you fight for what's yours, I'd never let them execute you, is that what you fear? I'll never let Ilyn Payne take your head" wonder if Podrick is related to him and Tywin reminds him "you're a Lannister" but when he sees that's not exactly making him feel better Tywin almost has to force himself to say "you're my son" and Tyrion says almost exhausted "I loved her" and Tywin just asks genuinely "WHO?"
and his son has to remind him "Shae" and Tywin sighs "oh Tyrion... put down that crossbow" as if he thinks this is just another tantrum over a whore unsurprisingly betraying him and Tyrion sadly admits "I murdered her... with my own hands" and Tywin freezes as he was about to sit up as he realizes it's really Real Nigga time now and he gets an ounce desperate now saying "it doesn't matter" but that's not the right dialog option choice as Tyrion repeats "doesn't matter?" and Tywin bets it all on slutshaming and frankly says "SHE WAS A WHORE" and Tyrion raises the crossbow to his heart and dares "say that word again" and Tywin snarls "and what? you'll kill your own father in the privy? no, you're my son, now, enough of this nonsense" and tries to just move the conversation on which is actually a good tactic when dealing with someone emotionally/mentally unstable who tend to lose track of reality and are easy for other people to guide along but Tyrion stops him "I am your son... and you sentenced me to die... you knew I didn't poison Joffrey... but you sentenced me all the same... why?" and Tywin dismisses "enough, we'll go back to my chambers and speak with some dignity" but Tyrion explains vulnerably "I can't go back there, she's in there" very accurately depicting the sort of child-like autopilot mode people go on when finding themselves doing violence and Tywin automatically sneers "you afraid of a dead whore?"AND TYRION SHOOTS TYWIN IN THE CHEST WITH THE CROSSBOW!!! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
but he's still alive and groans in pain as... Tyrion starts reloading the crossbow.... putting another bolt in places and cranking the string back with the lever, and Tywin states the obvious for the first time in his life "you shot me" as if he can't believe it like the common reaction goes and Tywin instinctively tries not to touch the bolt in him as if he feels like he's entitled to live even now and he looks up at Tyrion and gives him one last dressing down "you're no son of mine" but Tyrion tells him the harsh truth for the first time in his life "I am your son... I have always been your son" and TYRION SHOOTS A SECOND BOLT INTO TYWIN'S CHEST I guess to really drive home that it wasn't just an accident or heat of the moment thing but he's clearly intending to kill him here and walks away sadly as his father slumps down on the toilet dumping the crossbow in the hallway
alright uhhh I am pretty sure Tywin isn't dead here since I think I've seen set photos of him meeting Jon when extremely autistic people are trying to calculate Jon's actor's real height by comparing them but this would have been quite the kino way to kill him off, a much of such dignity shot by his own dwarf son on the toilet, and I felt like talking shit about the practicality of Tyrion, who must weigh only like 70lbs or something at most, being able to overpower Shae, but she's probably only like 95lbs herself and honestly most women are useless at fighting and he did the smart thing and used an improvised weapon and his body weight in a way she couldn't easily defend herself from, and I guess we'll never get a full explanation from her why she betrayed him but I guess she was just an extreme brainlet who didn't get that Tyrion was obviously just calling her a whore and shit, which is why he was so sensitive of his father calling her that I assume, to get her to realize she has to leave the city, and I guess it wasn't Cersei that flipped her but, Tywin, and she seemed to genuinely love Tyrion so probably wasn't working for him until he had her brought back to the city and talked her into flipping on Tyrion, but maybe her saying "my lion" for Tywin is implying that was just a line, literally like Joi in Blade Runner 2049 (a far better movie than the original tbqh) being revealed to use the "honest Joe" nickname for all her owners, and she was playing him from the start, and I like that he gets cucked yet again since Tywin's sexuality is never gone into and he could be gay for all we know and only having a wife to carry on his family name but there we go homeboy still fucking thots at age like 70 based and bluepilled (the viagra he takes) and then when he finally gives the knock Varys opens it already guessing "what have you done?" but Tyrion's not saying anything so he pulls him out saying "quickly" and then places him into a similar crate he received his mutilator (that we never saw again ebin) in telling him "trust me my friend I've brought you this far" as he puts some supplies in and starts nailing the lid shut and we see him watching the crate being brought onto a ship as he hears the bells tolling in the city to alert everyone of his escape... or maybe Tywin's death... and we see him deciding to go with the crate I think? yes beacuse he gave one last look to King's Landing as if he's saying goodbye to that horrible place probably since it'll obviously be him who arranged for Tyrion's escape so to avoid getting the ol chop chop he's peacing out
then we cut to a beautiful waterfall in the lovely heaven-like highlands as Arya rides her white horse towards some new fishing village we haven't seen before and we see some workers unloading salt from a cargo ship and she says "I want to see the captain" to a black man who says "you're speaking to him" and she says "I want to go North to the Wall" and he looks at this little girl and says seriously "no you don't" and Arya when says "I can pay" the captain assures her "there's nothing in the North but ice and war and pirates" but she insists "I wouldn't need a cabin please I could work scrubbing the floors" and the captain tries to tell her "I'm not going north child, I'm going home" and Arya asks "where's home?" and he says "the Free City of Braavos" and she fumbles to get her fucking ICA coin from HITMAN™ out but he tells her "more silver won't make a difference" but she says "it's not silver... it's iron" and hands it to him and he gawps at it and realizes "it's.... how did you..." and she says the meme phrase and he salutes her and gives the counter signal and tells her "of course you shall have a cabin" and we next see Arya on his ship watching Westeros leave her behind and then looks ahead as they sail off to Essos that's over the horizon and it's light's out, oh boy, not looking forward to Arya's adventures in Essos since it's fucking boring contrived retardation central it seems mostly because GRRM wants to write about medieval British history since that's what he's researched the most and then he just has... this entire continent that's like... the middle east... or something... ? with clearly very little world building going on in it rather than it's own vibrant world with it's own complex alliances and rivalries and it means it's going to be even longer until Arya finally meets back up with Sansa and Jon and I'm sure will be her retarded op ninja self I've seen in clips, oh well, rip the show being good lmao
Game of Thrones 5x01: "The Wars to Come" anon is legun special edition
First aired: April 12, 2015
ok so from my wikipedia learnings it seems the first 4 seasons were following pretty directly an adaptation of the first 3 books that were released from 1991 to 2000 but season 5 is sort of remixing and changing storylines in both the fourth (2005) and fifth (2011, soon after the first season aired) books which a lot of readers complained about having too much filler and keeping the casts of characters too separated and DnD tried to make it into a more streamlined story since the fourth and fifth books were hard for GRRM to write because his publishers wanted his next books, originally thought of as a second trilogy to pair with the first three books, to be shorter (he joked that printing the book in "microtype on onion skin paper and giving each reader a magnifying glass" was sadly not an option for him) and he started writing with the idea of having a 5 year time skip but then go too caught up in writing the backstory of what was missed it filled in a whole new book and ended up just doing away with the time skip idea all together, so maybe that's why its taken him so long to get the 6th book out (that as of 2019 is nowhere to be seen and fans are literally worried this very overweight 70 year old might fucking die before he gets it and the final seventh book out which probably isn't helping the matter), since it seems it was too stressful having people trying to force him to cut his ideas down and get it done on time so now he wants to take his time and do it exactly his own way especially considering the show now is the biggest thing ever that gets more viewers than most blockbuster movies and he can do whatever the fuck he wants unfortunately that means that if you think season 5 shows the strain trying to streamline GRRMs ideas just wait until it's time for season 6 and 7 when they only have hints from him about his unreleased books and are going entirely by their own writing talent oh boyo but oh well let's hope for the best
we open on the lovely shot of some boots marching through the mud and from the hairstyle, dress sense and necklace I'm gonna assume this is I think our first ever flashback outside of like Bran's visions featuring LOLI CERSEI who's little actress does a really good job of mimmicking Lena Headey
and she has a dark haired friend with her worried Tywin will find out they're out there but lil Cersei whips around instantly putting on a smug look lmao I know that look and takes her hand and tells her "you don't need to be afraid of my father" thought she was gonna say some edgy shit about being afraid of her instead and they come to see a creepy ass old hut in the woods that scares the dark haired girl and when they go in they find weird herbs hanging around and weird bug noises and see what looks like a corpse on a chair but some weird bat cries and wakes the woman sitting there up who's just some emo chick and Cersei is disappointed saying dismissively "they said you were terrifying, with cat's teeth and three eyes, you're not terrifying, you're boring" and the woman edgily says "you don't know what I am" and Cersei defiantly says "you're a witch and you can see the future" like nothing scares her already and she insists "tell me mine!" from her and the witch cheekily taunts "everyone wants to know their future... until they know their future" yeah what's the point if it's good shit you wont be pleasantly surprised and if it's bad shit you're just going to be living in fear waiting for it assuming it's inevitable... but includes you learning about it somehow... time travel paradoxes and all that, and Cersei very cuntily says that since this is her fathers land, her land, she could have "both your boring eyes gouged out of your head", edgy even as a like 13 year old nice, and the witch laughs at what a little bitch she is so then tells her "your blood... gimme a taste" and hands her a knife and loli Cersei knicks her thumb trying not to show it hurts and then THE WITCH TASTES HER BLOOD uhhhh hope that was part of the ritual and not just her fetish and then offers her three questions and her first question is "I've been promised to the prince, when will we marry?" and the answer is "you'll never wed the prince, you will wed the king" oh wonder who the princes was then and Cersei wastes her second question on "but I will be queen?" and the witch purrs "oh yes, you'll be queen... for a time, then comes another, younger... more beautiful... to cast you down and take all you hold dear" and her last question is "w-will the king and I have children?" and the answer is "no, the king will have 20 children and you will have three" and Cersei snaps "that doesn't make sense" and the witch says "gold will be their crowns... gold their shrouds..." and then bursts out laughing at her as Cersei's finger drips blood onto the ground and her friend starts telling her they need to go as Cersei glares at the witch like she's going to have her father evict or kill her anyway, alright that was fucking retarded since like all supernatural things you think "if fortune telling is real in this universe why don't all the most powerful people have witches at their beck and call?" and "so Cersei's character boils down to one fucking conversation with a future teller she had and not, you know, her entire life being exposed to her dysfunctional family?" wow great writing, don't know if that was in the books or not but either way it's laaaame
then we cut to Cersei in the modern day being carried in one of those cuckshed things to... the steps of the Sept, and that Ser Myrin guy or whoever escorts her up the stairs... to I assume her wedding, and as she passes Margaery she gives her a cruel smirk but as she passes it fades as if she doesn't actually hate Cersei but knows she has to maddog her to keep her from thinking she's weak and doing some shit to her, but oh wait... it's a funeral? they're talking about mourners and the bell is tolling sadly and some priest guy tries to tell her of all the lords and ladies that want in but she just walks away from him saying "they can wait" not giving a shit and she walks in to see TYWIN'S DEAD BODY!!!! wait... he's really dead? oh... oooooohhhhhh... oh noooooooooo... he was like the best character and actor
unless he's faking being dead to fake his death or they resurrect him or some dumb shit, I guess the set photos I saw in this meme were of a paparazzi photo where they just happened to be on-set at the same time, let me check... oh it was Davos never mind lmao fuck RIP Tywin
but Cersei walks up next to Jaime who's in his full armor looking down at their dead father (hopefully he doesn't rape his sister next to this family members corpse) and Cersei has no one left to be afraid of so starts up the cuntyness "he never wanted you to be a Kingsguard but here you are protecting his dead body" and Jaime a bit worried about what this means tells her "what he built... it's ours, he built it for us, he meant it for us... they're going to try to take it away, all of it" and Cersei asks pokerfaced "they?" and Jaime warns "all of them out there, our enemies, they're waiting in line to make sure he's really dead and as soon as they see the stones on his eyes they'll set to work on tearing us apart" but Cersei says it's Tyrion they need to go after and blames him for defending him and Jaime tries to say "this is exactly what they want" but Cersei won't stop ranting about Tyrion and demands to know "did you set him free? Tyrion may be a monster but at least he killed our father on purpose, you killed him by mistake... with stupidity" and then orders him to look at their fathers corpse as she walks around to his head looking down at him and starts turning up the guilty "he loved you more than anyone on this world" and then kisses her father on the head goodbye, obviously not meaning it, just to leave Jaime sitting there simmering in shame
then we see from Tyrion's POV of him looking out his breathing hole of the sea of the ocean, then of docks being unloaded, then being carried through streets and placed down in a nice garden and the box is pried open and he rolls out to find... VARYS with a crowbar, and Tyrion struggles to stand and let his eyes adjust from being in a tiny cuckcage for maybe even weeks and Varys just politely says "apologies" and starts washing his hands and when Tyrion starts bitching Varys just says if they catch Tyrion they catch him and they argue about Tyrion having to shit through the airholes but Varys having to throw it overboard so no one catches him lmao nice detail and Tyrion concludes they are in Pentos and Varys says they're at the home of his ally a merchant called Illyrio Mopatis and reveals they worked together with a group of mutual friends to try to replace the unfit King Robert with a "Targaryen restoration", aaaaah so Varys is a Dany supporter, or so he claims, odd choice if he desires stability since she takes after her father's impulsiveness, and I guess that means... did he send Jorah a warning about the poisoning in his letter freeing him of his service? because he knew Robert would find out if he didn't send an assassin but needed it avoided? hmmmm, and Varys complains about how they just made things worse and "Westeros needs to be saved from itself" but Tyrion is not listening at all and downing his sorrows in wine and just points out that he can't call him "Lord" anymore, and for some reason Varys let him drink the entire trip here so he's already drunk as fuck, and Tryion just grumbles "the future is shit, just like the past" and VOMITS ALL OVER THE FLOOR but immediately pours himself more wine lmao
then with Dany we see some toppling of Sadam/ISIS shit where she's having the Unsullied pull down the giant golden harpie statue from the Great Pyramid so that it slides down a wooden slide they've made onto the ground, wow thank you for destroying our cultural history my Queen!also it's got a nice ass lmao
then we see a new Unsullied character who was helping with it... walking through the red light district ignoring the whores around him but then... HE PAYS FOR A PROSTITUTE who takes him inside and starts taking his armor off but when she gets to his pants she seems to know what's up and says in the now hardcoded subs I have to watch "you want the same? same as always?" so she starts to undress but he reminds her "you... you don't have to" and she apologizes "habit" and puts her dress back on around her legs and it turns out... the Unsullied is paying her just to cuddle him and hum to him... awwww but also uhhh sad, keep in mind people unironically pay for this kind of thing in real life, literally just for a cuddle, somehow this is far less sad than paying for sex since at least it's admitting up front you are paying for affection you can't get elsewhere rather than hiding it behind ugg me just real man ugg me need to nut when it's obvious was it's really about, but then out of nowhere THE UNSULLIED'S THROAT GETS SLIT
and later Barry is telling Dany that it was the "Sons of the Harpy", who left one of their masks on his body, and I guess they're some religious sect that is mad she's destroying their religion that I assume supports slavery cus Dany says "they've never killed before" Barry just says "only a matter of time, conquerors always meet with resistance" and Dany whines "I did not conquer them their own people did" and a new slave character says "they do not see us as people Your Grace" and Dany promises Mossador they'll see things differently and starts ranting angrily about them killing her loyal fighter and Grey Worm says his name was White Rat so Dany orders him to be given a funeral of his own people and they warn her the Sons of the Harpy, the SotH as I'll call them from now on, won't like that but that's all according to Dany's master plan "angry snakes lash out, makes chopping off their heads much easier" and orders Grey Worm to go find them, and we cut to Grey Worm getting togged up in his gear when Missy comes to speak with him and instead of taking this one guy out of the room of his 10 friends to speak in private they do the "leave us" meme to have all 10 of them leave lmao sorry speaking character privileges and she asks him what White Rat was doing in a brothel, again this is fucking retarded and even if a man lost his balls when he was a kid that doesn't mean he doesn't still have ideas about sex from his biology and culture and could be there to eat the girl out while she fingers his ass or something, and Grey Worm looks awkward and just says "I do not know, I must go" and walks off
then we cut to Castle Black and Olly looks like he's aged 4 years and is training in sword and shield fighting with Jon giving him some tough love and a lightly more serious looking Sam is asked by Gilly if he should be training too and he handwaves "well heh I'm hardly a new recruit" and starts bragging that he could be the first brother in history to kill both a White Walker and a Thenn and then we see Alliser and the bald cunt bitching about how scummy his men are as he himself gives Gilly a weird look and Sam warns her if Alliser becomes the new Lord Commander over someone confusingly called Mallister he'll kick her out since he hates Wildlings so much but he promises to stay with her no matter what they decide then the Red Lady interrupts Jon and summons him to Stannis who he needs to take the elevator that I still don't get how it fucking works without like 30 guys pulling it to see with the Red Lady smiling at him seductively the entire time and he just asks her "you not cold m'lady?" since she's dressed like a cag and she says "never, the Lord's fire lives with me" and gets him to feel her warm face and when she notices him not rushing to touch her like most men she asks "ARE YOU A VIRGIN?" but now Jon doesn't drop spaghetti and just looks off sadly and says "no" and she smiles and says "good" I guess since she can tell he's the kind of pois dedicated type that would be hard to seduce if he hadn't already broken his vows and then on top of The Wall Stannis and Davos are standing edgily at the edge looking out over the North and the Red Lady introduces Jon as "the bastard of Winterfell" who kneels for him and Stannis talks about how Roose rules there now "the traitor who plunged a dagger in Robb Stark's heart, don't you want to avenge him?" and Jon furrows his brow super heavily in that constipated way he does and says "I want a great many things Your Grace, but I'm a sworn brother of the Night's Watch now" and Davos warns him he's losing popularity giving Yigritte a private funeral and Jon drops some #resisttrump shit and says "they were born on the wrong side of The Wall, that doesn't make them monsters" #getwoke and Stannis promises Jon that now Tywin is dead he'll take back the North by "putting Roose Bolton's head on a spike" since they're the last two men standing besides the absolutely useless retarded islandnigger Greyjoys but he says he needs more men and Jon tries to say his men are sworn to whatever but Stannis doesn't want his 80 remaining retards "I'm talking about the damn Wildlings" oh shit and Jon looks at him worried like this is gonna end badly and Stannis says he'll pardon them and give them citizenship if they side with him "I'll give them their lives and their freedom if Mance kneels before me and swears his loyalty" and Jon says "I don't think that's likely?" and Stannis tells him "convince him to bend the knee or he burns" and gives him until nightfall, uh oh
then with CIA and Sansa he's trying to have the zoomer prince Robin trained to swordfight as all great kings must be but the kid is completely useless and already winded lmao and despite his partner being a boy his own age clearly going easy on him he is falling all over himself from LITERALLY BEING A NEET HIKKIMORI WHO'S NEVER LEFT HIS HOUSE and some new character Royce decries "HE SWINGS A SWORD LIKE A GIRL WITH PALSY" lmao, I guess they have the same name for that condition there too, and CIA and Sansa give him the evil eye as a boy delivers CIA a letter presumably about the latest big death and he slides it up his sleeve and tells him Robin just needs his great name as the poor lad flails around like an idiot panting and yelping as the other boy lamely twats his shield with a wooden sword lmao, that kid who was probably only cast for a meme roll like 5 fucking years ago as a screaming kid is doing a really good job of the physical acting of a completely ungainly boy falling over himself and CIA is apparently leaving and requests from Royce that he improve his step-son's abilities and Royce sighs and says "he'll be safe, you have my word, as to his skills... I make no promises" lmaooo
then we cut to Podrick with a new horse bringing the sleeping mats over to Brie who's sadly examining her valyraian steel blade, which I recently learned from a youtube video where I learn everything from is a stand-in for a real ancient metal called damascus steel that was infamous for seemingly never going blunt but the technique required to make it has been lost to time and even though we still have samples of it no one knows how the fuck it was made lmao, and he ass if they should try going to Castle Black next and Brie tells him she only brought him to keep him safe from King's Landing and he's safe up there and Pod dopey says "but I'm your squire" and Brie smirks and asks "do you even know what a squire is?" and he kneels there sadly as she points out "I'm not a knight so you're not a squire" and when he asks what he'll do she snaps "I don't know I'm not your mother" and after an awkward silence Pod tries to exploit her sense of duty about Sansa but she snaps at him to stfu and starts complaining about how she's no leader and just wanted to fight for a Lord she believed in but "the good lords are dead and the rest are monsters" which is true and she probably hasn't even heard Stannis is sacrificing people to a fire god she's still mad about the smoke monster prank and Pod looks sad like she's just as lost as he is but then he hears a horse and carriage riding past on a near by road and watches it go past as we see it has CIA and Sansa herself in it lmaoooooooooo poor Brie keeps missing her mission by a few yards again and the two of them are discussing their evil plans with Sansa being just as devious as him now adays and CIA loving it and he reminds her not to trust anyone around Robin and she just cheekily points out they're surrounded by driver and knights they can't trust right now and CIA chuckles at her good point and tells her he's taking her "to a land so far away even Cersei Lannister can't get her hands on you" oh boy we're all going to Essos aren't we
then with the bitch queen herself Loras is in the background giving his condolences as Cersei sips on her ever present glass of wine and rolls her eyes at her literally gay fiance trying to sound like he didn't hate Tywin by talking about his formidable presence and Cersei just brushes him off and walks away and Pycelle tries to talk to her to throw Varys under the bus as he's clearly behind it but Cersei doesn't give a shit and just walks off and a weird young man walks up and... it's COUSIN LANCEL who's cut his long hair short, wearing a raggedy robe and acting weird and spaced out and his father, I guess Cersei's uncle, appears and apologizes for his appearance explaining "they call themselves sparrows" as his son wanders off and he goes on "religion has it's place of course but at a certain point..." and blames this coming to the capital on Tywin's death but Cersei isn't interested and excuses herself taking yet another glass of wine on her way out, ok very nice of them to finally bring religion as an important story element into the plot even though in medieval europe religion governed literally every aspect of life from a peasants daily routine to who the most powerful people were, and when we see Cersei looking out of a window sadly when Lancel creeps back up and Cersei notices the arrow wound that she aggravated on his shoulder has healed but she says blankly "it wasn't my wounds that needed healing" inb4 he's been castrated or some shit and he's there to apologize for "leading you into darkness" and Cersei says sardonically "I doubt you've ever led anyone anywhere" and when Lancel tries to say "I tempted you into our... unnatural relations" she looks around awkwardly and Lancel finally reveals "and of course there was the King... his boar hunt... his wine" OH SHIT CERSEI HAD LANCEL POISON KING ROBERT and Cersei smiles at him like I fucking dare you to blackmail me cunt and see what happens with the same hunger for conflict her father showed Oberyn and politely says "I don't know what you're talking about" and Lancel claims "I'm a different person now... I've found peace in the light of the Seven" looking rather nervous as if he's scared of whoever converted him and wants to make sure he gets the spiel right and he tries to convert her promising "they dole out mercy... or justice... their world is at hand... I will pray for your fathers soul" and CERSEI STARTS SNIGGERING AT HIM and laughs "the day Tywin Lannister's soul needs your help..." but can't even finish her joke and stands there sipping wine waiting for him to fuck off
then we see Loras is in bed again with the pimp of CIA's brothel who's tracing a birth mark on his leg telling him how it's shaped just like Dorne but Loras doesn't seem to want to think about that place as his lover suggests they visit and Loras says Highgarden or anywhere would be better than here since I guess both those places are more gay friendly than the capital and they start making out when MARGAERY WALKS IN ON HER BROTHER HAVING GAY SEX and just stands there watching creepily uhhhh yeah that's gonna be a INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 8 from me sis, and she finally says "we're late as it is" startling Loras away from his lover and he decries "you're very respectful" rushing to pull the sheets over his boner and Marg just says "I'm very hungry" and... closes the door, and his lover laughs at this weird situation but then Marg starts seductively eating grapes and sits on the bed and asks him his name, and Olyvar introduces himself, and she tells him her brother is keeping the King waiting so he gives Loras one last kiss as Marg sits there patiently and walks out and she asks her brother to be a bit more discrete but Loras whines "everyone knows everything about everyone, what's the point of trying to keep a secret in a place like this?" and points out that "with Tywin dead that means no one can force Cersei to marry me" and points out that's not what Marg wanted since it would have sent them to Highgarden leaving Marg at the capital with full influence over the King and she angrily throws the pip from her grape into a bucket and just teases "perhaps"
then we see Tyrion in a nice garden drinking yet again looking out to see when a differently dressed Varys wanders up saying "Eunuch, the Spider, the Master of Whisperers... Imp, Half-Man... there are faster ways to kill yourself" trying to get Tyrion back on the wagon but he just quips "not for a coward" and keeps drinking which Varys claims he's not and then claims he freed Tyrion because Jaime told him to which Tyrion doesn't buy so Varys claims it was for the good of the Kingdoms because even though he's no saviour he's "a man of talent who'll have a role to play in the war to come" but Tyrion wants out and Varys challenges him "anyone can be born into power, but earning it, that takes work" to play on Tyrion's ego telling him "you have your father's instincts for politics and compassion" but he shouldn't have mentioned his father as Tyrion mocks "compassion? yes... I killed my lover with my bare hands, I shot my father with a crossbow" and Varys just quips "I never said you were perfect" lmaooo and when Tyrion cuts to the chase and asks what he wants and Varys claims "peace, prosperity, a land where the powerful do not prey on the powerless" and Tyrion mocks "where the castles are made of gingerbread and the moats are filled with blackberry wine, the powerful have always preyed on the powerless, that's how they became powerful in the first place" and Varys, quite the wokepiller, suggests "perhaps, perhaps we've grown so used to horror we assume there's no other way?" and starts floating the idea of him being King but Tyrion knows that's impossible and Varys admits he's right, just using him as an example of someone fit to rule, but points out he could help someone else sit on the Iron Throne as "the Seven Kingdom's needs someone stronger than Tommen but gentler than Stannis" and Tyrion hangs his head not wanting to think about all this horrible shit anymore and Varys says he wants "a monarch who can intimidate the high Lords and inspire the people, a ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name" and Tyrion mocks "good luck finding him" and Varys drops "who said anything about "him"?" and Tyrion realizes who he's talking about and Varys offers him the choice between drinking himerself to death or coming with him to Meereen meet Dany and Tyrion jokes "can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?", alright already I am far less interested in Varys since he just laid all his cards down on the table... and for the worst character in the show lmaoooo, and Tyrion has gone from the lovable underdog of King's Landing to Varys' pity sidekick, lovely jubbly
then in Meereen that guy who whined about Dany killing his father asks Daario why the Unsullied are patrolling the streets and he blames his friends the two report to Dany that their mission to Yunkai was a success and the old masters agreed to give up power to a counsel of freed men but also former slaveholders that reports directly to her and when he mentions their concessions Dany smiles and he tries to explain "politics is the art of compromise" she smiles smugly and says "I'm not a politician, I'm a queen" very epic and cool and definitely won't just encourage people to kill her if she insists on ruling by right makes right and then it all goes to shit the second she dies since no one learned anything but to be scared of her
and this Hizdahr guy, who I'll call Hizzy so I remember it, tries to reason that "it's easier to rule happy subjects than angry ones" but Dany says fuck em lmao and Hizzy says their request is to reopen the fighting pits which appals Dany but Hizzy explains the former fighting slaves plead to fight again but Dany refuses to "respect the tradition of human cockfighting" idk sounds hot to me and then later that night Dany is in bed with Daario again looking at his muscular ass as they argue about the fighting pits and Daario walks around the scene like it's Austin Powers with his back turned and then the desk blocking his cock as I guess the actor doesn't want to go full nude as he talks about his whore mother selling him to a slaver which he blames himself for and explains he's been fighting in the pits since he was 16 and Dany points out this pathetic cuckold "you were sold into slavery, forced to fight to the death for the amusement of the masters and you're defending the fighting pits?" hey at least he's not defending being circumcised lmaooooooo
and Daario explains he "learned to fight like a Dothraki screamer, a Norvoshi priest, a Westerosi knight, soon I was famous, 10,000 men and women screamed my name when I stepped into the pit, I made so much money for my master he set me free when he died" which is an odd concept but I think it actually happened in real life, like how would a slave prove they're free, carry the letter around with them at all times? who would give a shit about that when slaves are kept against their will? why don't slaves just tell their masters I will fucking kill you you old faggot if you don't free me if it's just up to them signing a piece of paper? anyway Dany is not convinced so he starts buttering her up saying "you're the queen, everyone's too scared of you to tell the truth other than me, you've made thousands of enemies all across the world, as soon as they see weakness they'll attack, show your strength, here, now" yeah by giving into demands good argument and he scoffs at Dany claiming the Unsullied show she's strong as anyone can buy them and bigs her up as le mother of le dragons and Dany admits "I don't want another dead child dropped at my feet, no one's seen Drogon in weeks" wow "Drogon", original name there Dany and she admits to her lover "I can't control them anymore" and he mocks "a dragon queen with no dragons? is not a queen" manipulating her into making the very dumb decision to
...open up the catacombs that have her other two dragons in them... and it's dark as fuck and really scary as she apprehensively walks down hoping they're not too mad about being chained up down there... and she just wades into the darkness until she hears... one of the chains being moved... and she calls out "Viserion? Rhaegal?" and I'm waiting for the jump scare.... uhhgggg the camera pans to the darkness as.... oohuughhhhh
THE ORANGE ONE ILLUMINATES THE ROOM WITH A BURST OF FLAME JUST IN TIME FOR DANY TO SEE THE GREEN ONE LUNGING AT HER AND BACK AWAY FROM IT'S BITE OH FUUUUUAAAAAAA and she tries to say "easy easy easy" but
THEY BOTH SPRAY FIRE INTO THE AIR IN ANGER, BOTH NOW THE SIZE DROGON WAS WHEN WE LAST SAW HIM, THE SIZE OF FUCKING PICK-UP TRUCKS and she has to rush out in terror not knowing what the fuck to do, ok glad she's getting some realistic complications finally after four seasons of speedrunning an entire continent
then back at Castle Black Jon is coming to talk to Mance and he jokes about how the roles have changed from their first meeting to their last... already knowing what Stannis wants and that he'll refuse and Jon seems to respect Stannis for being bold and Mance admits he'd be better than the fools in charge for the last 100 years "but I'll never serve him" and Jon tries to use his concern for his people but Mance just says "I don't want them bleeding for Stannis Baratheon either" and Jon feeds his ego for rallying 90 clans together, not for power or glory, but to save them from winter and challenges "isn't their survival more important than your pride?" and Mance snaps "pride? fuck my pride" and walks around the room angrily and explains they won't respect him if he kneels for a southern King and Jon tries to get him to do it for the women and children rather than be "afraid of looking afraid" and Mance just openly admits he's afraid "no shame in that" and asks how they'll kill him and Jon warns him "they'll burn you alive" and Mance's eye twitches as he can see he's not bluffing and sighs "bad way to go" and admits that's not how he wants to be remembered "but it's better than betraying everything I believe" and Jon tells him they would indeed sing songs about the man who'd "rather burn that kneel"... "until the White Walkers come and there's no one left to sing" and Mance compliments Jon "you're a good lad, you truly are" but refuses to sign his people up as a foreigners pawns so Jon goes to leave and tells him "you're making a terrible mistake" and Mance stares at him and says "the freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted", Mance is pretty based since he's one of the only characters who genuinely believes in freedom to the extent he'd defect to the Wildlings and is one of the only character who openly shows his emotions finding no need to be dishonest, but he's still a not entirely good character since he still has to wrangle literal cannibals under his command never mind what savages the rest of his people are that he can't stop, I guess since the Wildlings are stand-ins for the ancient Scots that the Romans built Hadrians's Wall to keep out in real life that'd make him a sort of William Wallace character, but it seems like he's about to meet the same fate as they lead him outside to... a funeral pyre for these fucking savages that do worse shit than his people have ever been shown doing are going to immolate him on, and he stands before Stannis who asks him one last time "bend the knee and I promise you mercy" and just like the scene in Braveheart where the King or whoever offers Mel Gibson mercy if he'll just kiss his robes Mance looks around at ginger nut and a few other POWs and then at Jon and when Stannis tries to force a smile as he offers "kneel and live" Mance looks around at Castle Black and ponders how "this was my home for many years" as if he's thinking about how he's spent his life and just tells Stannis "I wish you good fortune in the wars to come"... and stays standing... and Stannis gives a real smile at his bravery and he nods for his men to handcuff him around the pyre and Stannis' daughter and wife look on as the Red Lady walks up and starts giving a speech about how "we all must choose, man or woman, young or old, lord or peasant, our choices are the same, we choose light or we choose darkness, we choose good or we choose evil, we choose the true god or the false" and she takes a flaming torch from a guard and says to the POWs "free folk, there is only one true king, and his name is Stannis, here stands your king of lies, behold the fate of those who choose the darkness" and THE RED LADY SETS MANCE RAYDER'S PYRE ALIGHT
and he starts breathing heavily as he feels the heat and everyone present looks nervously as the fire slowly spreads over the pyre and he starts fidgeting as he feels the heat rising up through the logs to his feet and he starts struggling to breath as smoke fills the air and he gives ginger nut one last look who grumbles with respect at what a steadfast man he is willing to die for no one else's principals but his own and Jon can't bare to watch and runs off with Olly looking at him like he's a pussy as he's seen much worse and Gilly buries her head in Sam's shoulder as Mance starts crying as the heat starts to burn his feet and Stannis' cunt wife looks down smiling as ginger nut looks on in horror as his hero is roasted alive and as the flames start coming up around Mance and he cringes and gurns in fear AN ARROW FLIES INTO HIS HEART FIRED BY...
JON and Mance looks up to see the man who spared him an agonizing death as he flops down dead just as his body starts to catch fire and everyone stands around awkwardly lmao, I guess that's to show Jon taking on Mance's ideology of making your own choices even if they're mistakes just because you personally think it's right no matter how mad that would make the Red Lady and Stannis
Game of Thrones 5x02: "The House of Black and White" welcome to the ICA, agent 14 (year old girl) special edition
First aired: April 19, 2015
we open on Arya looking edgy as usual as she sees the giant soldier above the bay of Braavos as the Captain tells her the legends say it used to come alive to defend the city but she doesn't believe it and then flinches as they hears her first foghorn announcing their arrival but she insists "I'm not afraid" as she enters this ancient Rome style city
and we get some relaxing peaceful cheery music as she sees all the different cultures at the docks trading the new imports that are constantly being brought in like exotic fish and baskets and he rows her in a little rowing boat through a Venice-style water-street until they get to the bank that Stannis visited and he names it "The House of Black and White, this is where you'll find the man you seek" oh I guess it isn't the bank? unless they fund the assassins dudes? and the captain leaves her explaining "any man of Braavos would have done the same" giving the meme phrase to her as he rows off leaving her to walk up this old roman-style huge building and she awkwardly knocks on these two big doors, one black and one white, sort of continuing the Red Lady's theme of darkness v light, and an elderly black man in a white robe, continuing the them again I guess, opens the door, and she says the meme phrase and he just stares blankly at her, so she takes out the fucking HITMAN™ coin and explains Jaqen gave it to her but he just says "there's none here by that name" and goes to leave but she begs "please I have no where else to go" and he flippantly says "you have everywhere else to go" and slams the door in her face and locks it lmaooooooo and Arya looks out across the water back at the city and sighs wondering what the fuck she'd do now, and she goes with... just sitting on the steps saying her autistic revenge mantra until it's the middle of the night... and she seems to have taken The Hound off the list and perhaps she's heard Tywin's dead as he's off too and so's Illyn Payne for some reason and it's down to just "Cersei, Walder Frey, The Mountain, Meryn Trant" guess she hasn't heard The Mountain is RIP too but I guess Cersei is keeping that secret and making it seem like he's just getting medical treatment and not a fucking zombie, and then when it's daytime after spending all night doing that she finally decides to walk off and figuring it did her no good tosses the HITMAN™ coin into the water
then we see Brie and Pod, who it seems she hasn't bought a horse for and he has to walk everywhere lmao, and he awkwardly tries to make smalltalk about how the inn they're arriving at "must be good if it's crowded" but she's not in the mood after he fucked up losing Arya, and she sits at the table depressed forcing down food as Pod smiles to a cute barmaid handing out top-ups of ale and IN THE SAME TAVERN IS CIA AND SANSA who CIA compliments for noticing him recievingt that scroll and she says "my mother used to say: dark wings, dark words" as Pod looks around the Tavern wondering why all the armored soldiers are there and CIA tells her "my marriage proposal has been accepted" hmmmm and Sansa deadpans "aren't you still mourning the death of my beloved Aunt Lysa?" as he waves off the barmaid but when Sansa accepts it catches Pod's attention but he can only see the oddly modern-real-lifely dressed CIA but when Sansa turns turns to get he drink Pod mutters "My Lady... Stansa Stark! don't look! she's dyed her hair but it's her, she's sitting with Petyr Baelish, a bunch of knights with them" based Pod and Brie tries to keep herself from looking as she snaps "a bunch? what's a bunch Podrick? six? twenty?" starting to freak out that it could kick off at any second if they're made and Podrick warns "ten, too many, I don't think this is the right t-" but Brie says "ready the horses" and puts her hand on her sword and Pod worriedly says "we only have one horse" so she insists "find more" and he rushes off knowing he can't stop such a determined woman and wanting to get the fuck out of there before it all kicks off and we see CIA talking to the now very stoic (which Sophie Turner does a terrible job of acting and makes it seem like Sansa is faking very obviously being more world weary, also Sansa has become significantly less attractive lmao)
about drinking, asking why men love it so much, and CIA explains "it gives some men courage" and when she asks "does it give you courage?" he just looks at her with a cheeky expression when just like in HITMAN™ his guards stop Brie from approaching their table and she calls out "Lord Baelish, Lady Sansa, my name is Brienne of Tarth" and CIA reminds her "we've met, with Renly Baratheon, what did he say about you? he said "your loyalty came free of charge" someone appears to have paid quite a bit for it since then" looking at her high-tech new armor and getting under her skin by reminding her of Renly and claiming she's turned mercenary and the guard awkwardly looks at him but he waves to let her through and she allows herself to be surrounded by guards to kneel down to proudly say "Lady Sansa, before your mother's death I was her sworn sword, I gave my word I would find you and protect you, I will shield your back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be I swear it by the old gods and the new" and Sansa just stares bankly at this strange woman dedicating her life to her and CIA smarms "please Lady Brienne no need for such formality" and starts to fuck with her saying Cat never mentioned her to him but she instantly explains "it was after Renly's murder" and CIA tries a different route "ah yes you were accused of killing him" and Brie snaps "I tried to save him" and they argue about what happened with Brie knowing how it will sound as she says to everyone "he was murdered by a shadow... a shadow with the face of Shadow Baratheon" and CIA repeats "a shadow with the face..." and scoffs, what a dumb fucking storyline since it's literally a supernatural thing she can't explain, and he points out "this woman swore to protect Renly... she failed.... she swore to protect your mother... she failed, why would I want someone with your track record of failure protecting Lady Sansa?"
and Brie snaps back "why should you have any say in her affairs?" and CIA explains "I am her uncle, I married her Aunt Lysa shortly before my beloved's untimely death, we're family now and you're an outsider, forgive me Lady Brienne but experience has made me wary of outsiders" and some tension music starts up as Brie gives shifty looks between them as she realizes this dude probably fucking murdered her aunt and might be holding her against her will and asks "Lady Sansa if we could have a word alone-" but Sansa instantly says "no, I saw you at Joffrey's wedding bowing to the King" which she might not even mean and just wants her to fuck off and leave her to play the Game of Thrones with CIA as her best chance to get revenge on Cersei and Brie tries to excuse "neither of us wanted to be there, sometimes we don't have a choice" and Sansa claims "and sometimes we do, you should leave" and CIA smarmely offers Brie an invitation to stay and Brie looks at Sansa one last time and can see she's genuinely not wanted so simply barges past the guards and one tries to say "the man asked you to stay" so SHE ELBOWS THE GUARD IN THE FACE AND LEGS IT OUTSIDE DOING YE OLDE SABOTAGING THE CARS MEME BY HACKING THE POST THE OTHER HORSES ARE TIED TO OPEN AND YELLING AT THEM TO MAKE THEM FLEE AND HOPS ON A STOLEN HORSE PODRICK'S GOTTEN FOR HER AND RIDES BY A GUARD SLASHING HIS CHEST OPEN
AND THEN CUTTING THE LAST HORSE'S ROPE FREE SO IT FLEES TOO BUT THE GUARDS GRAB HOLD OF THEIR HORSES AND GIVE CHASE AND IT'S YE OLDE CAR CHASE TIME AS OUR HEROES ROCKET THROUGH THE FORREST WITH THE GUARDS FOLLOWING THEM SO BRIE TAKES THEM OFF THE PATH TO LOSE THEM BUT DUMBASS PODRICK MISSES THE TURN AND A GUARD FOLLOWS HIM AND BRIE CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS DUMBASS
so stops her horse in a bush that the guards chasing them just ride past and once they're gone she slowly and quietly walks the horse to where she last saw Podrick going and sees they're probably on his trail and steels herself expecting Pod to be dead but she hears a horse behind her so needs to move and then we cut to Podrick's horse taking him to a river as he tries to stop him but PODS HORSE JUST BUCKS HIM OFF AND RUNS OFF LMAO and he pulls himself out of the river trying to chase it only for a guard to ride up and PODRICK THROWS A ROCK AT HIM... MISSING
and the guy just smiles and says "I guess that means you're unarmed" as he takes out his own weapon and Podrick stands there gurning as he knows he's fucked but BRIE COMES RACING UP YELLING "DOWN PODRICK DOWN!" AND HE DUCKS JUST IN TIME FOR HER SWORD TO SWIPE OVER HIM AND INTO THE MOUNTED GUARD WHO'S HORSE RUNS OFF DRAGGING HIS CORPSE BEHIND IT
AND ANOTHER GUARD RIDES UP BUT BRIE SWORD FIGHTS HIM FROM HORSE TO HORSE AND SWINGS HER VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD AS HARD AS SHE CAN... STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS SWORD AND INTO HIS SHOULDER!!!
letting him topple off his horse dead and she wipes his blood off on her sleeve and calls "Podrick?" and Podrick, kneeling on the ground in fear, response "yes my lady?" and Brie tells him "you can stand now" and he forces himself to his legs and asks "Sansa Stark?" and she explains "wary of strangers as she should be" but is determined to follow them and Podrick breaks the reality to her "my lady, i both Stark girls refused your service... maybe you're released from your vow?" but Brie refuses to accept she's safe with Littlefinger and Podrick just gives in not having anything better to do and Brie rides off leaving him to "get your horse" lmao what a pair of sad cases
then in KL Cersei has summoned Jaime to see... their father's ashes? no... Jaime releases a box and IT FALLS OPEN TO REVEAL A MODEL SNAKE HOLDING MYRCELLA'S LIONHEAD NECKLACE IN IT'S MOUTH oh shit
and Cersei distresses over "our daughter is alone in Dorne surrounded by people who hate our family" not even bothering to pretend she's not Jaime's kid anymore now dear old dad is dead and derides him for stating the obvious "it's a threat" and rants about how they blame them for Oberyn and his sister's deaths and stands up yelling "I will burn their cities to the ground if they touch her!" and then freaks out and yells even louder when Jaime tries to keep her quiet since she doesn't give a fuck anymore now their father is dead and when he tries to explain "the world can't know she's our daughter" and she cunts back "you've never been a father to our daughter" and he defends "if I was a father to any of my children they'd be stoned in the street" but Cersei blames him for Joffrey's murder, their daughters situation and their youngest "set to marry that SMIRKING WHORE from Highgarden" roflllll and Jaime sees how terrified his sister/lover is and promises to go bring Marcella home and she scoffs "you can't just ask Prince Doran to give her back! she's promised to his son" but Jaime grumbles "I'm not going to ask him anything" and she points out "you go down there with an army it's an act of war" but Jaime seriously says "no army... do you know where they're keeping her?" and Cersei says "Oberyn mentioned the Water Gardens" dismissively like she figures he's just going to get his dumbass killed going on some one man mission and she chuckles "you're going to Dorne? a one-handed man? alone?" but Jaime teases "I never said I was going alone" and she sits there worrying, ok I know this is different from the books where Jaime's storyline is finding a talent for finding peaceful outcomes in politics and travels the realms seeing the carnage his family has caused and trying to make up for it rather than literally going on a video game quest to save the princess so he can fuck his sister again
then we see poor Bronn in his fancy blue cape skipping stones on the sea as his new soon-to-be-wife blathers on and on about the flowers, music and food for their wedding and when she tries to get his input he's not been listening to any of it lmao and just humors her and tries to comfort himself by looking up at his soon-to-be-own castle remarking "a fine place, I never thought I'd end up settling down in a place like this" with a big smile that his life of grifting is over and it's easy sailing from now on but when his fiance points out it's going to her older sister he remembers he's meant to keep it secret he intends to kill her lmao lets his wife prattle on about her sister still pulling her hair to this day and remembers his lessons from Tyrion and starts turning her against her sister talking about how "meanness comes around" and how her sister will "get whats coming to her... one way or another" and tries to take his mind off the last act of violence he'll have to do to secure his peace when his wife asks "who's that?" and he looks up and sees... oh... it's "Jaime fucking Lannister?" there to pull him back into the bullshit and Bronn gives his condolences and even though the marriage is obviously a sham he gets insecure when Jaime charismatically kisses his fiance's hand so he does the "leave us" meme to her and she walks off on a huff clearly not mature at all and Jaime tries to make small talk but Bronn calls him out on being here to fuck his life up but Jaime just hands him a scroll and Bronn's jaw drops as he reads his wife is actually going to marry someone else which Jaime arranged to free him up for their mission and Bronn get's rustled but Jaime promises him "a much better girl and a much better castle" and he tells him they're going to "as far south as south goes" not strictly true if I know my GoT map but at least on Westeros it is
and then we cut to a clenched angry hand that has a bracelet like a snake around it as we pan up to see Ellaria, who I'll call Elly so I can remember, wearing a snake-skin necklace with a snake-head amulate on it, ok sensing a theme here, as she spies on the prince Trystane flirting happily with the now teenaged Mycella, and she goes to visit some other prince who's guard tries to stop her and as she's threatening to shove his axe up his ass Doran lets her through, and it turns out he's in ye old wheelchair and she starts ranting at him about how he hasn't avenged his brother, Oberyn I assume, but he dismisses it as a fair death in trial by combat, yeah it was his own dumbass fault, and in an interesting note as she's just as passionate as Oberyn and demands war that she claims the whole country would support he takes a jab at non-existent democracy saying "then we are lucky the whole country does not decide" and she stifles her rage and tells him "the Sand Snakes are with me, they have the love of their people, they will avenge their father while you sit in your chair doing nothing" and he doesn't even reply so she starts ranting about Mycella leaching off of them while the Lannisters kill his brothers and sisters and asks "let me send her to Cersei one finger at a time" but Doran tells her she has his love but "we do not mutilate little girls for vengeance, not here, not while I rule" and Elly threatens "and how long will that be?" and his big black guard lets her rush out and looks at him warningly as if he should let him merc her as she's obviously out to get him but Doran just looks away miffed, already rustled at this storyline since it's not realistic land-grab loyalty-jostling politics it's literally just one dumbass woman angry her moron boyfriend got himself killed memeing too hard around the most dangerous killer in the world
then we cut to the Unsullied marching through the city as Daario brags to Grey Worm that they're too conscious to find any SotH but his Second Sons might be drunkard whore mongers they blend in and evesdrop for real intel as he brings them to some shithole they burst into... to find empty, and Grey Worm is miffed so Daario taunts him saying his people have forgotten fear so they've forgotten how to hide leading him to STAB HIS DAGGER INTO THE WALL CAUSING A MAN HIDING IN IT TO FALL OUT GROANING IN PAIN oh I was expecting them to be in the big basket next to them but that was retarded, how did he get in a wall and why is it like modern day shitty american drywall you can fall through lol (I used to think that people punching holes in walls was just a trope from movies and tv shows since they're on a flimsy film set but you can literally do that in American houses since they are literally made from cardboard, if you tried to punch a hole in my wall you'd break your hand since it's, you know, made of brick)
and Grey Worm searches the mans hiding place and finds a dagger... and a SotH mask, and later an ex-slave is begging Dany to kill their prisoner as they want to enslave everyone again, Missy says it would send a strong message, Barry cautions restraint, Daario boasts he's already questioned him and found he knows nothing important, and the rich adviser guy who's name I forget uhhh oh yeah I call him Hizzy lol challenges the free slave on the SotH all being for slavery and the slave explains the rich slavers are paying the SotH to do this but Hizzy argues back against that and Barry suggests a free trial to show Meereen how to do justice and the freed slave says "I do not know where old Ser comes from, things maybe are different there I hope, but here in Meereen before Daenerys Stormborn they owned us" and tells them that fair trial means nothing to the slavemasters, they only understand blood, so Dany dismisses her council with Barry staying behind to talk about... her father, the Mad King, but Dany claims those are just her enemy's lies, but Dany confirms it's true, and for the first fucking time in the show it's actually fucking addressed even baaaaaaarely who Dany's father is when you'd think a woman who spends all day ranting about her birth right to rule would mention her father the King and he tells her about all the horrible shit her father did to fight a rebellion and how it only made it worse, really makes ya think, and Dany just whines "I'm not my father" and he tries to explain again every time he killed his enemies he felt powerful and right... until the very end, so she gives in and decides on a fair trial, Dany is literally scary lmao since she's clearly fucking crazy too
then we see a large spacious carriage being pulled along the Essos road as Varys and Tyrion start arguing again about his drinking, wow great character development with Varys warning Cersei is offering a knighthood to whoever brings her his head and Tyrion just grumbles "she ought to offer her cunt... best part of her for the best part of me" and Varys reveals they're going to Volantis first and dodges his question as to why by buttering him up saying he was a good ruler when he was the Hand but all Tyrion picked up from it was that he managed to kill a lot of people and starts whining about how Shae begged him to leave KL and Varys asks why, probably already knowing, and he admits he liked the power and Varys ponders "people follow leaders and they will never follow us, they find us repulsive" and Tyrion adds "I find us repulsive" and Varys continues "and we find them repulsive... which is why we surround ourselves with large comfortable boxes to keep them away... and yet, no matter what we do, people like you and me are never really satisfied inside the box, not for long" looking around at his nice posh carriage and Tyrion ignores his suddenly less subtle than usual since the show isn't following the books exactly anymore discussion on their shared alienation with the normies and decides "so lets go for a walk! how many dwarves are there in the world? is Cersei going to kill them all?"
and to answer his question we see CERSEI BEING BROUGHT THE HEAD OF SOME RANDOM DWARFEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 91 as she literally is having them all killed but she moans "not him" and Ser Meryn or whatever angrily asks the terrified bounty hunters "are you trying to deceive your queen? shall I throw them in a cell Your Grace?" but Cersei says "I don't want to dissuade the other hunters... mistakes will be made" and the men pathetically grovel their thanks and go to leave but she orders "take the head" but before they can Qyburn asks politely "I would take it if you don't mind, it could prove useful for my work" and Cersei just gets a little smirk to have this ruthless scientist on her side and allows it
then in what's left of the Small Council of poor old Pycelle, useless beta Mace and some new old guy Cersei turns up with Qyburn in tow and allows him his seat, much to Pycelle's rustlement, and, ah, the old guy is Cersei's uncle, and he asks if she's the new Hand like shit is so fucked around there she could very well get her like 11 year old son to appoint her, but she says "clearly it would not be appropriate for a woman to assume that role" and smiles condescendingly at him as she explains "I am merely advising my son until he comes of age and chooses a Hand himself" and Mace tries to haggle for the position but Cersei smugly tells him he won't have to time as he's both Master of Ships and Master of Coin much to his joy and Cersei smiles at how easy Mace is to control as she mutters him up with compliments Tommen probably never said and Pycelle tries to bring up president of other Grand Maester's also being King's Hand and Cersei cuts him off saying Qyburn is the new Master of Whispers and Pycelle starts having a tantrum about it and Cersei sits there suddenly full of life as she gets to bully these three old me she fucking despises rubbing it into Pycelle that Qyburn has more loyalty than "the eunuch" and... many others and he sits there squirming and whining but Cersei cuts him off again addressing her Uncle Kevan, wait his name is just Kevin spelt with an a? ok lol nice one GRRM talking about how since he now has control over the Lannister armies he is appointed the new Master of War... but he can smell bullshit, having seemingly learned a lot from his brother, and asks to hear it from the King himself, and when Cersei condescendingly excuses his absence Kevan bluntly says he came to show his respects to his brother, the King and even her, but "I did not return to the capital to serve as your puppy, to watch you stack the small council with sycophants, to send your own brother away-" but Cersei cuts him off before he can say anything worse and explains "my brother is away on a sensitive diplomatic mission" and when he snaps back "what mission?" she smarmily says to him "that is not your concern as Master of War" and Kevan can tell she's fucking him about so tells it straight up "I do not recognize your authority to dictate what is and is not my concern, you are the Queen Mother, nothing more" and Cersei glares at him as he goes to leave like she wants to just have him killed and lazily tries "you would abandon your king in his time of need?" and he calls her out "if he wants to send for me I will be waiting for him... at Casterly Rock" knowing Tommen has no idea what's going on, welp he's fucked
then we get an adorable scene where Shireen, Stannis' daughter, is teaching Gilly to read, awwww, and she's only just learning letters (in English of course) with Sireen saying "come on, you know this one, looks like an animal" and Gilly remembers "ssssssane? S!" and Sam is researching the history books in the library they're in to try to learn all he can about who gets to be Lord Commander to try to make sure Alliser doesn't get it and he excitetly tells the girls that the youngest ever Lord Commander "Oric Stark was elected at age ten!" and they both look at him like he's a fucking nerd and Gilly says depressed at how far more advanced Sam is at the seemingly impossible task and she just says "I know S" but smiles to her and says "you'll learn, I promise, I taught Ser Davos and old people are terrible at learning new things!" and Gilly smiles and says "well you're a wonderful teacher.... very patient!" starting a fight with Sam, who I don't think has even got any pussy off her yet, who tries to excuse him telling her to read more, and Gilly huffily says "that's alright we're doing just fine I'm sure you and "Ostrich" Stark have a lot to talk about" so he goes back to his book knowing it's better not to argue and when Gilly asks her when she learned to read she reveals when she was 3 much to their amazement explaining she had lots of time kept inside because of her face and Gilly asks innocently what they call it down South like she's only a little girl herself mentally and Shireen says "greyscale" and asks what they call it and Gilly admits "I don't know, but two of my sisters had it, they both died, how did they cure you?" and Shireen says she doesn't remember since she was just a baby and Gilly talks about how her father made her greyscaled sisters live in huts outside their home and how they didn't sound like themselves and when it killed them it was all over their bodies and they were acting like animals and their father had to drag them out into the woods and... presumably kill them, but before she can explain Shireen's mother comes in and does the "leave us" meme to them and Sam grovels "Your Grace" as she's his new queen as he skulks away and her mother tells Shireen "you need to stay away from that girl, your father defeated their people, he executed their king for treason, they could strike at him by striking at you" but Shireen claims "Gilly wouldn't do that" and her mother just chides "all your books and you still don't know what people do" obviously just finding an excuse to control her daughter some more, wonder if we'll ever get to see what happens to someone totally infected by greyscale or what it is, maybe Shireen has weredragon powers or some shit like a werewolf
then we see Stannis bitching at Jon for mercy killing Mance and points out Davos missing fingers explaining "if you show people too much kindness they don't fear you, if they don't fear you they don't follow you" like it's simple mathematics and Jon points out the Wildlings will never follow him now and Stannis realizes "who then? you?" but Jon thinks they'd only follow one of their own, idk they followed Mance, and Stannis asks "do you know this wretched girl?" showing him a letter from Mormont's niece "Lady of Bear island and a child of 10" and when Stannis says this is her reply to him asking her to join his cause Jon reads out "Bear Island knows no king but the King of the North, who's name is Stark" allowing himself a cheeky smile that people are still loyal to his family and Stannis snaps "that amuses you?" and Jon apologizes admitting "Northerners are often a bit like the free folk, loyal to their own" and Stannis says "my brother Robert would often go off about how difficult it was to control them... even with your fathers help" forcing a tiny smile back to Jon knowing he needs him on his side and then Davos talks about how the Night's Watch is actually seemingly the worlds first democracy as they elect their Lord Commander and it seems Allister is going to win and Stannis warns "your bravery made him look weak" idk this dude seemed pretty badass on his own and Jon barely did anything other than go talk to Mance after and for some reason somehow Stannis showed up in time and tries to convince Jon again to leave this place and come fight for him but Jon sticks to his vows and Stannis asks for the North from Jon but he says "even if I wanted to I can't, I'm a bastard, a Snow" just like Ramsey used to be and Stannis promises that if he bends the knee to him "you'll rise again as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell" and later we see Jon talking to Sam about this saying that's his oldest dream and his friend recommends he take the deal but Jon refuses saying he can't break his vows and be respected as a Lord, and the old blind maester rises and says it's time to vote for the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and the bald coward guy steps up and starts giving ye old election speech for Alliser, ok not Allister, saying it was him that won the battle, which Sam stands there shaking his head at, and another man stands to say Denys Mallister, an old as fuck dude, has served through 10 winters and won his own battles at the Shadow Tower, and Jon bangs his cup in support for him, and the blind maester announces how the vote goes, triangle tokens vote for Mallister, square tokens vote for Alliser, pretty weird system since it means people can vote for each one but I guess it's not that much of an issue if some dumbass does that as long as at least one person doesn't, but then... Sam speaks up... and the bald cunt mocks him as "Sam the Slayer" and the men laugh not believing any of his war stories and accuses him of being "another wildling lover just like his friend Jon Snow, how's your lady love, Slayer?" and Sam calls him out over the men laughing at him "her name is Gilly, you know her quite well, they cowered together in the larder during the battle for the Wall" oooooooh snaaaaaaaap and all the men now start laughing at the bald cunt and Sam mocks "a wildling girl, a baby and Lord Janos, I found him there after the battle was over in a puddle of his own making" and the men all laugh hysterically at him as SAM PUTS JON FORWARD AS LORD COMMANDER OF THE NIGHT'S WATCH explaining that he was the one that saved them, "Ser Alliser fought bravely it is true and when he was wounded it was Jon who saved us, he took charge of the Wall's defence, he killed the Magnar of the Thenns, he went north to deal with Mance Rayder knowing it almost certainly meant his own death... before that he led the mission to avenge Lord Commander Mormont, Mormon himself chose Jon to be his steward, he saw something in Jon and now we've all seen it too, he may be young... but he's the commander we turned to when the night was darkest" and Jon sits there cringing as he doesn't want the role but the men all clap and cheer for him, but Alliser stands up and calls Jon out as wanting to lead the Wildling instead and being more loyal to them for saving Mance, another good continuation of the theme "no good deed goes unpunished" as Jon did the moral thing and is not getting bullshit for it and Alliser sums up "do you want a man who's fought the Wildlings all his life? or a man who makes love to them?" and the blind maester announces "it is time" and the men all come up and put in their tokens in a jug... I guess maybe they added a third kind of Jon, and we see a man smashing the jug open and stacking the tokens to find... a shit pile of square ones... but I guess Jon's circle ones and Alliser's square ones are even... and the blind old man is told "it appears to be a tie maester" and he nervously counts them up with his hands as the whole crowd watches... but then... AEMON SLOTS IN HIS OWN TOKEN VOTING FOR JON, MAKING HIM THE NEW LORD COMMANDER and the crowd all erupts in applause and cheer for Jon who sits there looking especially dopey smiling to himself, and Alliser looks over like he just made a big fucking mistake
then in uhhh Baavos or whatever we see Arya cutting the head off a fucking pigeon in the street with Needle presumably for her lunch as she's now fucking homeless and she walks passed some random asshole who stops her and questions her about her pigeon and she just warns "turn around and go" and takes out her sword and the street man says "nice sword, worth 100 pieces a sword like that" and takes out a knife and Arya warns "nothing's worth anything to dead men" but then the thugs flee as they see the old black man in the white robes is watching them as if they're scared of him and then she follows him back to the temple and he tosses her back the HITMAN™ coin and THE OLD BLACK MAN CHANGES HIS FACE
this is the most retarded shit ever since it means any character could be a body double, fuck off GRRM and he explains "a man is not Jaqen H'ghar" he fucking talks like Big Shaq going on about "man's not hot" and Arya asks "well who are you then?" and Jaqen edgily says "no one, and that is who a girl must become" and walks in through the black door offering Arya to come inside having I guess just testing her dedication to not go back home... even though she can't
then we see the SotH prisoner being confronted in his cell by the free slave guys and insults him for calling Dany his mother and we cut to HIS DEAD BODY WITH HIS MASK ON AND A DAGGER IN HIS CHEST WITH "KILL THE MASTERS" WRITTEN IN HIS BLOOD ON THE STREET WALLI know it was released after but these dumb gold masks remind me of the guy fawks masked Alt-Right stand-ins Children of Liberty in Supergirl lol especially with wearing masks of the statue that represents their values
and then we see the slave in chains again before Dany saying he did this "for you :bane: Mhysa" and he bows before her explaining "you wanted the Harpy dead but your hands were tied, I set you free as you did all of us" but Dany explains "he was a prisoner awaiting trial, you had no right" and he argues "he would rather rip your city apart than see slaves lifted from the dirt" and Dany tries to explain "there are no more slaves, there are no more masters" and the slave fires back "then who lives in the Pyramids?" but I guess he doesn't mean her, alone at least, these are where the other rich cunts live and he asks "who wears gold masks and kills our children?" and the slave explains that he was one of the first to pick up a knife for her and he'll always remember the look on his fathers face, who traded him for a dog lmao, but he died in the fighting, which is why he hates the SotH so much because if they win it would be like his father never lived, and he begs Dany that now she's the law to just kill em all, but she says "the law is the law" even though this is a monarchy where she can make it up as she goes along and it's now his turn to be dragged into a cell and that entire conversation took place in a fictional language STOP FUCKING DOING THIS and then as Dany leaves her office surrounded by her inner circle the people of the city cry to her "Mhysa! Mhysa! it sounds just like Jar Jar Binks going "meesa messa!" lmaooo and she stands before them and gives a speech and says in this dumb fake language "you opened your gates to me because I promised you freedom and justice... one cannot exist without the other" as her Dothraki bring down... the freed slave guy, and the rich cunts push and bully him as he is taken through the crowd but the poor slaves call to him "brother! brother!" and he begs her "mhysa, please! forgive me" but Dany steels herself knowing even though he did it for her sake she can't allow vigilante justice so says "a citizen of Meereen was awaiting trial and this man murdered him... the punishment is death" (shouldn't he.... you know... be given a fucking trial too then? you dumb bitch?) and the crowd beg her for mercy but she doesn't budge and Daario comes at him with his scythe and the man begs one last time "mhysa" and the crowd scream to him calling him brother and begging for mercy as the man starts saying a prayer getting ready to be beheaded and Dany looks out at the crowd aaaaaand... she turns to the side but... DANY LETS DAARIO BEHEAD THE SLAVE... AND THE CROWD STARTS HISSING AT HER LIKE SNAKES!!!
and the Unsullied take defensive positions to keep them back but someone picks up a rock and... A SLAVE THROWS A ROCK AT A MASTER and the Unsullied struggle to keep the two sides from fighting as Barry whisks Danny and Missy away and all her Dothraki have to run out and help too but both sides are throwing shit at each other and the Unsullied form defensive phalanxes with their shields over Dany as the slaves all start throwing rocks at her too and in different areas they start assaulting the masters in big scrum
and later that night Dany is in her palace and Barry and Grey Worm are assuring her they'll protect her but she does the "leave me" meme to everyone but then hears some creepy scuttling around sounds in the darkness of her huge palace and goes outside onto the balcony to hear... a soft growling... and she looks up to find DROGON IS BACK... AND HE'S GROWN TO THE SIZE OF A FUCKING HELICOPTER
and he purrs at her as he can tell she's upset and she looks relieved to have her favorite baby back since she's like a ye olde dogmom on facebook but he's so massive they can't really physically interact anymore so he just lowers his head down putting his fucking terrifying massive face up to her as she reaches out to try to stroke him but he sits up and takes off flying over the city... hopefully not to hunt... and she looks out looking super worried that he's going to start fire bombing the place or some shit
Game of Thrones 5x03: "High Sparrow" cosplay thot special edition
First aired: April 26, 2015
we open on some creepy ass dark statue of a woman, and then of a lion and a goat and then a flaming heart that I think is Stannis logo, some figure I can't ID, one of those creepy ass tree-faces, some bizarre human-tree figure, and then some well that some people are sitting and walking around and we see Arya sweeping the floor, so I guess this is the assassins temple, and we see Jaqen giving a man a bowl of water from the pond well thing and he looks amazed like he thought he wouldn't be allowed, and he thanks him with the "valar morghulis" meme and Jaqen response "valar dohaeris" whatever that means and Arya looks up and sees it looks like the statue of a woman is crying (this happened with a statue of Jesus in India and people thought it was a miracle and would come from all around to drink from his "tears" running down his face but then it turned out to be a leaking sewer pipe from the ceiling above it lmao, so people were drinking human shit water for weeks, India) and she goes and gets uppity about sweeping floors and says she wants to be a Faceless Man and he explains "valar dohaeris" means "all men must serve" not as catchy but I guess it means specifically serve their order or in general you're bound by earthy demands you need to serve in life and he calls her out for only wanting to serve herself, not the Many-Faced God and Arya asks "which one is the May-Faced God? I see The Stranger, the Drowned God, the weirwood face" and Jaqen tells her "there is only one god" AND HIS NAME IS ALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH "and a girl knows his name and all men know his gift" and Arya remembers the edgy shit her fencing teacher once told her in season 1 and knows what he means and she looks down to see THE MAN WHO DRANK FROM THE WELL IS DEAD, IT WAS POISONED, PEOPLE COME THERE TO KILL THEMSELVESEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 92 not even sure if that is edgy since it's basically assisted suicide but I guess it is in this cultural context and in most of modern day culture outside of like Sweden and almost no other culture has ever not had a huge taboo against suicide, but since this is season 5 and subtly is not allowed we see some monks come to take his body away so we're absolutely sure he's dead and when Arya asks another worker girl where they're taking him she doesn't respond hmmmm
then in King's Landing in Cersei's very secure portable cuckshed being taken to the Sept she looks out the window getting rustled about how the crowd are cheering and calling for "Queen Margaery!!!" as she's just the Queen Mother now
and in the Sept we see Tommen and Marg saying their vows and we actually see for I think the first time in a wedding TOMMEN KISSING MARGAERY and there's some kino imagery where Cersei is literally between them in the shot and everyone claps less forced than the other like fucking 3 weddings since unlike Joffrey, Tyrion and whoever Cat's cousin was people actually really like Tommen and Marg, and thankfully Tommen has hit puberty and looks a few years older and is now taller than Marg so it's less creepy that they kiss, and the actor does a good job of giving his mother an excited smile and then having it hit him that he's married now
and I realized I got memed by pedos /tv/ where they put meme subtitles over the scene of Marg creeping into Tommen's bedroom with like erotica of her talking about sitting on his face when they're married and I completely 100% believed it was real subtitles since that is 100% dialog that would be in a show, a woman telling a 10 year old he'll have to give her oral sex soon, so I just assumed that would be another scene of her in his bedroom, let me find it
and I think Tommen's starting age was like 10 so that would make him 14 or 15 now and Marg is 18 in the books I think but I read they liked this actress so much they aged her up so she could play her so she was probably like 22 when they first introduced her so now she's probably like 26 so keep that in mind when we cut to THE MID-TWENTIES MARGAERY HAVING SEX WITH THE EARLY-TEENS TOMMENEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 93
and Tommen is gasping "did I hurt you?" and Margaery grins and says "no you were lovely" since she might not have fucked her previous two husbands but probably been fugged before and he wows "it all happened so fast! I was scared maybe I hurt you i-it sounded like" lmao that was probably Marg (fake) orgasming and she tells him "no no no, you're the sweetest King who ever lived" and Tommen announces "this is all I want to do all day every day for the rest of my life!" and Marg laughs at this adorably no-longer-virgin (inb4 he actually does so and spirals into sex addiction and by next season he's fucking goats or something edgy) and Marg is not really that into it because when he dives in to kiss her again she asks "shouldn't we rest a little while?" and since he's not a scumbag like every other character in this show he doesn't rape her or anything so lays back down and offers her anything she wants to eat and she starts playing with his shoulder as they talk about how surreal it is to be King and Queen and husband and wife... all because his brother died, and she tells him not to feel guilty, and Tommen confesses "I don't feel guilty, that's what's odd" as if he's already becoming a real Lannister and then since he's still a young boy springs up excited to invite her sailing and Marg kisses him saying they'll be very happy and then puts on a gown and talking about her grandmother leaving but Tommen just stares at her ass in amazement and Marg starts up scheming against Cersei and asking if she likes it there and Tommen says "I don't think so, she told me not to trust anyone here" and Marg pretends she doesn't hate Cersei saying she likes having her there protecting him like "a lioness guarding her cub" but Tommen looks at their marriage bed and says "but... I'm a man now" as he starts to get the start of an ego and Marg jokes with him calling her "my king" but adds "you'll always be her baby boy" which Tommen doesn't seem keen on as Marg talks about how Cersei's lost her husband, son and father so recently and knowing exactly what she's doing, preying on Tommen's discomfort of his mother's over-protection, "lovingly" tells him "she'll never let you out of her sight" planing the seeds to egg him into arranging for her to leave the capital
then on the castle walls Cersei is talking to Tommen about his marriage as she holds him by his arm like they're a couple as his Kingsguard follow them behind and Cersei starts fishing for intel asking "you think she's intelligent? I find it hard to tell... not that it matters" trying to play the doting mother not getting above her position but Tommen starts fishing already if she misses Casterly Rock and starts trying to talk her into missing it but it's not working as Tommen is only a like level 1 manipulator and Cersei can sense there's some shenanigans afoot as he clumsily tries the same line again about her missing her home
and we cut to her, with two of her personal Lannister guards, visiting Margaery as she gossips to her many female cousins about how Tommen had her four times last night telling her "well what is the record? I'm sure we can break it" and Cersei comes in on them all giggling hysterically and prickles as Marg calls her "mother" and I'm waiting for the "leave us" meme in 3... 2... as she looks like she wants to invent the machine gun to unload a mag into all the giggling teenage girls as they trade back and fourth disingenuous compliments with it just being for their sake as she's already threatened to kill her in a private conversation lmao and when Marg jokes she's happy "but I am exhausted, but what can I expect, he's half lion and half stag" making a joke about both her husband she murdered and brother who murdered their father being notorious whorers Cersei looks like she's about to burst into tears from all these pretty young women laughing at her family and when she cant take it and goes to leave Marg drives the knife in and asks "what's the proper way to address you now? Queen Mother or Dowager Queen?" which I think used to be used for a widowed queen which would seem pointless unless she didn't have a child taking the throne which Cersei does so it's obviously just being a cunt and Cersei tries to restrain herself and says "there's no need for such formalities" and Marg makes another reference to her son's libido saying "judging from the King's enthusiasm the Queen Mother will be a Queen Grandmother soon" and as Margaery prattles on about the celebrations to come Cersei steps forward and says "remember........ anything you need" to remind her of their last private conversation and walks off leaving Margaery to scheme to herself but then turn giggling to her cousins and Cersei storms off with all of them laughing about her behind her back uh ooooh
then win Winterfell we see the Bolton forces working to restore it further and bringing in new cros and we see Reek limping through his old home and he looks up to see FLAYED PEOPLES CORPSES BEING LYNCHEDEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 94 and looks triggered as he remembers his own men lynching two disfigured beyond recognition corpses above that very doorway and struggles to force down his old memories as he looks at this skinned woman and has to run off as a crow pecks at anothe skinned corpse in a cart and we cut straight from that chunk of meat to another chunk of meat as Reek prepares some chicken for Ramsey (oh it's spelled Ramsay well just like how I'll always call ISIS ISIS I'll call you by your proper name when you stop killing innocent people) as he discusses with his father how he sent him to collect taxes and Ramsey came back with flayed bodies lmao (in the telltale game there is a dank as fuck ending to the first episode where we see Ramsey's tax collection policy first hand I won't spoil it since it's such a cool kill) and Reek tries to zone out as Ramsey talks about how he flayed a Lord who refused to bow alive along with his wife and brother "made his son watch" and Roose asks "and?" as if Ramsay (fuck now I'm spelling it right he's even intimidating me in real life to respect him) thinks it's such an obvious outcome he doesn't even need to go further and says "the new Lord Cerwyn paid his taxes" and Roose stares at him as he pigs out on chicken as if he's just talking about a fun song he heard or something wondering why his son is such a psycho and he says "I have something important to tell you" but Ramsay just keeps gorging himself and Roose has to order "stop eating and listen" as she's starting to worry that now Ramsay has gotten what he wants from him, maybe not even his emotional approval but literally just his legal title like he doesn't even give a shit about his own father's respect just the power he can get from him, that he doesn't have control over his mental son anymore, and Ramsay looks like if anyone else said that to him they'd be sorry, no longer simpering to suck up to his father at every turn, and forces himself to put down his cutlery, and Roose explains Tywin is dead and can't protect them if the other Northern Lords rise up against them and if he thinks the Lannister's will still save them he's a fool, and Ramsay's eyes snap up at being insulted and in a great touch like a dog perking up because they can sense a change in their masters emotions no one else would, Reek glances over instinctively scared as he has become attuned to even the slightest but of annoyance in his master, and Roose tries to explain to his son that the best way to form alliances is not by peeling a man's skin off but marriage and Ramsay tilts his head ever so slightly keeping his anger in check at his father using him as a pawn to marry him off to some cunt he'll hate and Reek gets more and more nervous as he can sense Ramsay's hidden rage better than his own father as Roose tells him "I've found the perfect girl to solidify our hold on the North"
and we cut to SANSA STARK and CIA riding back to... Moat Cailin, which she says she's stayed at before and bricks it when CIA tells her she's taking her back home and she realies "your marriage proposal... it wasn't for you" and he gives her a suspicious look and admits in his bizarre garbled Irish accent since Aidan Gillen acts like he's a rubber-faced comedy actor in serious movies and shows "no" like it's a cheeky secret and Sansa starts showing weakness for the first time in ages "Roose Bolton murdered my brother, he betrayed my family!" and refuses to go and CIA starts manipulating her into it saying she's a Stark and will always belong in the North bringing up her parents to try and make her feel like it's her duty but she very unconvincingly insists she's not marrying her family's killer but CIA reveals that she'll be marrying his son and heir Ramsay, so perhaps Roose only gave Ramsay his last name because he has no other children to marry to Sansa as he wants this deal with CIA or some reason, but Sansa still refuses and plays her one card that she'll starve herself before going there and CIA takes her by the shoulders and lies that "I won't force you to do anything" and pretends like he cares about her and it's up to her but then starts burrowing under her skin talking about all that's been done wrong to her family and that it's time to "stop being a by standard, stop running, there's no justice in the world, unless we make it, you loved your family, avenge them" and she remembers wanting revenge on Joffrey so bad and falls for it, composes herself and gets back on her horse next to CIA who smiles to himself for manipulating a 16 year old girl as they ride into the castle Reek got back for Ramsay, I feel like this would be a better scene if we saw Sansa and CIA bonding but we just saw her lie to those Lords once and then next thing we know they're acting like partners in crime and also this whole "marrying Ramsay" storyline is pretty moronic since I'm sure CIA has some epic masterplan to play the Boltons and Lannisters against each other but surely a man who loves intel as much as him knows that Ramsay is a, you know, demented psychopath who could kill Sansa on a whim at any second? seems like yet another instance of the people around him being dumbed down so Ramsay can get ahead since he's ah uh lazily written Gary Stu
then we see Brie and Pod are still on their tale and up on a mountain overlooking the castle very very conspicuously silhouetted against the sky so if anyone looked up they'd be like uh why are two people spying on us but Pod asks how they get through there and Brie just says they have to go around even if it takes them miles since they know where they're going anyway and later Pod is polishing her boots and she asks him "aren't you getting a bit old to be a squire?" and Pod doesn't reply as he figures she just wants to talk down to him but when she asks how he ended up working for "the imp" he tells her "he doesn't like that nickname" as he still respects him and the explains he used to squire for a knight who was hung for stealing one leg of ham but he was spared by Tywin because his family's name was Payne (presumably he is related to his chief executioner) and sent him to squire to Tyrion "as punishment for both of you" as Brie surmises and she does a backhanded apology of apologizing that he now has to squire for a nasty person but Pod says "I'm not sorry, you're the best fighter I've ever seen, you beat The Hound, I'm proud to be your squire" and adorable Brie is flattered at his sincerity and for respecting her despite her being a woman and since she's such a nice person apologizes "I'm sorry I'm always snapping at you" but Pod says "if you didn't snap at me I wouldn't learn anything" since he's so humble and I guess he's right she's not a total bitch and she is actually right that he's fucking something up when she talks down to him and Brie looks like she's thinking this guy is too nice to inevitably die horribly but he clearly won't fuck off so second best option and asks him "you want to be a knight Pod?" and he looks up like it's his dream come true and says "yes" so Brie tells him "starting tomorrow we'll train with a sword twice a day and I'm going to show you how to ride properly" and for the first time the usually serious lad gets a big grin and says "thank you" and Brie tells him "I can't knight you but I can teach you how to fight" and Pod just says "I suppose that's more important" and gets to work lighting a fire which he does... perfectly on his first try, back to his old magical self now his confidence is up, and Brie smiles at his view of the world as he starts helping her out of her armor telling her "you weren't a knight but you were a Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, Lord Tyrion said he was a good man" and she tells him the story of how she met Renly at a ball her father made her attend where all the boys didn't notice her height and "how mulish" she was and were fighting to charm and dance with her and she was so happy... till she saw the boys snickering and they all burst out laughing at her and she realized "I was the ugliest girl alive, a great lumbering beast" and just as she was about to flee Renly took her and told her "don't let them see your tears, they're nasty little shits and nasty little shits aren't worth crying over" and danced with her, presumably out of compassion from knowing what it's like to be bullied for not fitting gender roles, and none of the bullies could say shit since he was the King's brother, and Pod awkwardly asks "but wasn't he... Lord Tyrion said he was..." and Brie snaps "yes Pod he liked men, I'm not an idiot!" lmao, it's interesting how in this world they don't seem to even have terms for it like gay or homosexual since they're so unaccepting of it which is understandable since it's a setting where even some dirt poor serf is concerned about his legacy and what inheritance his first born son will get or who he can marry his daughter to so if you're living a lifestyle that wont result in kids it seems like a grave insult to your family who probably bled and died so your kids could have a home probably why it's still such a taboo in the shittier parts of the world since propagating your family is the only thing they have going for them that anyone can do but in the first world no one really gives a shit about that sort of thing anymore sine our lives are so easy so there isn't as much of an evolutionary and cultural pressure to have kids because you might fucking die of ebola at any second and Brie explains "he didn't love me, he didn't want me, he danced with me because he didn't want to see me hurt... he saved me from being a joke, from that day until his last day" and she sits there remembering that day and laments "and I couldn't save him in return, nothing's more hateful than failing to protect the one you love" kind of sad she was in love with a gay guy she met once and didn't even remember her and then died the second day they met lmao and she looks seriously at Pod and swears "one day I will avenge King Renly" and Pod asks "how do you fight a shadow?" and Brie explains "a shadow with the face of Stannis Baratheon, I know its Stannis, I know it in my heart, Stannis is a man not a shadow, and a man can be killed" very dumb and retarded storyline and it should have just been an assassin sent by him that then framed Brie or something
then at Castle Black the man himself Stannis is visiting the new Lord Commander Jon Snow who has appointed Olly as his steward and let's him attend his meetings to learn how to be a commander and yet again Jon turns down Stannis offer of leaving the Night's Watch to join him and Stannis can't believe that he'd pass over a chance to avenge his family and rule the North but Jon is too into "muh vows" that he swore on his faith and Stannis realizes "you're as stubborn as your father... and as honerable" and when Jon thanks him he points out "honor got your father killed" and Jon looks at him like his double digit IQ points are trying to click together to dimly relaize that that could be a threat and when Stannis goes to leave Jon asks how long they're staying there and Stannis snaps "you bored of us already?" and Jon just explains they don't have the resources for it as... Winter is Coming™ and Stannis says they're marching on Winterfell within the fortnight (he'll get his shut-in daugher to 1v1 autist Ramsay in Tilted Towers I presume) and leaves the fate of the uncooperative Wildlings up to Jon suggesting he just execute them if Tormund won't bend the knee and Jon glances at Olly saying "there's little love for the free folk here" knowing that Olly would rather they just merc them all and as Stannis goes to leave he gives one last bit of advice: send Alliser off to command Eastwatch-by-the-sea and Jon says "I've heard it's better to keep your enemies close" and Stannis gives Davos a glance knowing that's what he's doing with the Red Lady and quips "whoever said that didn't have many enemies" and instead of leaving with him Davos stays and tells Jon that Stannis believes in him but Jon doesn't fully trust Stannis and says he tries to stay clear of politics and Davos just asks Olly his vows who only after getting a nod of permission from Jon does he give them proving his point that the Night's Watch are not apolitical and have to "guard the realms of men" and suggests he's not doing that stuck up there while the Bolton's make the North suffer leaving Jon sitting there to think over that
then with Arya who sleeps in a shitty little cranny in the wall we see her playing with her coin when this weird woman comes in and stats pacing back and fourth and robotically talking shit about how she does't deserve to be there and then WHACKS HER WITH A STICK and Arya is like OW! CUNT! having picked up a few turns of phrase from The Hound and starts beating her when Arya refuses to tell the truth about who she is which reminds me of a scene in the retarded movie Wanted where the hero gets punched until he realizes the answer to "who are you" is to assert himself violently or something but Arya is already alpha AF and warns the woman "you're about to find out?" and grabs Needle from under her blanket but Jaqen gives the woman into trouble for playing "the game of faces" which I guess is when you change your face at will or something since "a girl is not ready" oh my god learn to use your pronouns shitlord but Arya adamantly insists she is ready but Jaqen calls her out for still owning Arya Stark's sword and clothes (that she's been wearing for a year) so she's not ready to be "no one" so Arya goes outside and puts her clothes around a rock and sinks it into the sea, then the purse of silver she stole from The Hound, then the autism coin and then she gets to Needle and stands there crying thinking about who made it for her and who let her train with it showing emotion other than anger and smugness for the first time in years and I assumed she'd realize fuck it my family's dead she cant bring herself to toss it and hides it in some rocks which is probably the smart option, shoulda done that with the gold too, so you're not stranded in a foreign city with no money and no way to defend yourself from street thugs and a weird death cult then inside Jaqen catches Arya staring at the door they take the bodies of the suicide victims and allows her to follow him down into some catacombs where they find the weird woman standing there robotically next to a corpse, I guess maybe this is where they get the faces from? so they cant imitate just anyone it needs to be harvested from a corpse? and maybe they're only allowed to use the faces of the suicide victims who go there knowing they're donating their faces to the cause so they can only appear as these randomly generated NPC losers or something, inb4 Arya violates this tenant and kills someone to take their place for some infiltration mission, and Arya helps the woman undress and wash the body but she refuses to answer what they're going to do with him
then we see in Winterfell I think CIA and Sansa arriving with their guards to meet the happy Bolton family of Roose, Ramsay and the fat woman I already forgot her name as Reek looks down through a window and Roose greets Sansa as monotone and aloof as always and Sansa just stares back at the man who stabbed her brother in the heart and had her mother killed and looks like she's finna bouta pop off but then forces herself to curtsy and play nice with him and Roose smiles seeing her cowing herself and then introduces Ramsay who puts on his normal face for this woman a good half a foot taller than him lmao and says "it's an honor to meet you, m'lady" and kisses her gloved hand as... uh oh... Myranda looks on fuming, then inside Sansa is taken to... her old bedroom and an old housemaide tells her "welcome home Sansa Stark... the North remembers" showing the people still support her family which is now just her for all they know since the other three kiddies are presumed dead or MIA and Sansa stares after her blankly as if she's just figuring out if she can trust this woman or should maybe turn her in as not being loyal to win favor with the Boltons or something
then at Castle Black new Lord Commander Jon notices Aemon is missing and Sam says he's ill so he tells him to look after him, maybe the actor was actually sick irl or something, and then tells the men it's well past time to dig a new latrine pit and they all laugh as if it's just a joke and when Jon realizes he needs to assert himself so they don't treat him as just another mate he looks at Alliser like he's going to give the task to him but then switches to "Brian... seems like a good job for a ginger" so all the men laugh in support of his sense of humor as they chide poor Brian who laughs along as Jon's a pussy and goes with the nice option rather than taking the opportunity to show he can fuck over his enemies if he must but then he gets to Alliser and pauses as he wonders what to do with him and then praises him for his valiance in the battle and... appoints him First Ranger, and the men bang their cups in support and Sam looks concerned to his one remaining friend and Janos pats him on the back in support but then Jon gets to him and gives him command of Greygyard, using Stannis idea on him since he can tell he's not got any scruples rather than Alliser who at least does what he thinks is best for the Night's Watch and Janos snaps "I was charged with the defence of King's Landing when you were soiling your swaddling clothes, keep your ruin!" and the men start arguing who's in the right until Sam shuts them up and Jon maddogs him and tells him that was an order and he needs to say his goodbyes and back up and Janos stands up and insists "I will not go meekly off to freeze and die!" and Jon just asks "are you refusing to obey my order?" probably knowing this might happen and the men shut up and look around nervously at what will happen as Janos says "you can stick your order up your bastard ass" thinking all the men will side with him, the bald retard not remembering this is a democracy and the majority of the men voted for Jon, and Alliser looks at Jon as if telling him he needs to do something so he orders Sam and his friend to "take Lord Janos outside... Olly bring me my sword" and Janos looks around smiling like this must be a joke but then he looks to Alliser for support who simply steps out the way and lets the men drag him outside and he starts ranting "scum! all of you!" and starts insisting he won't be scared thinking it's a bluff but when they put his head on the chopping block he starts ranting about how he has powerful friends as the men gather to see Jon getting his sword handed to him and walking up to the block and unsheathing it without any hesitation and just asks for last words and Janos bricks it realizing he's for real and starts begging "I was wrong, you're the Lord Commander, we all serve you, I'm sorry! not just for this but all I've done! I was wrong! my lord please! mercy! mercy! I'll go! I will! please! I'm afraid! I've always been afraid!" and breaks down crying admitting to his cowardace in front of all his peers and everyone looks at him sympathetically but
JON CUTS JANOS' HEAD CLEAN OFF!!! OH SHIT!!! and Jon just composes himself and hands his sword off looking up at Stannis who nods in approval, wew lad, I didn't see that one coming, especially when Janos had a sudden burst of character development which is a good way to make the audience think oh after admitting this he'll try to redeem himself and actually defend that other castle well at a crucial time or be humiliated and want revenge on Jon or something, I thought it was going to be that Jon was just doing this knowing he'd make a fuss so he could force him to give up any respect the man might have had for him before sending him away so he can't try to usurp him but I guess it's Real Nigga hours now as he saw how unfit he was to be in the Night's Watch but maybe he was really giving him a choice to leave and didn't want him to get beheaded or he's going full just as planned and specifically tried to get him to end up on the chopping block
then in the KL brothel we see a very short man, no wait he's just down on his knees, and an assistant standing in a room with 6 cags with their tits hanging out walking around them giggling as if they're playing some sort of weird sex game and ah it seems the assistant is the new pimp guy and he is wearing a fake beard, which they make sure to leave the base of it show so you understand this is an in-universe fake beard and not just a bad fake beard for the show lmao and he starts doing this roleplay as if he's a priest and asks "which of the Seven will you worship today?" and the man looks up at the women who are all dressed as the different 7 gods lmao (I wonder which is the 1 god missing? the stranger is there so maybe he left out the one he actually respected like the father or something, or he's roleplaying as the father or the pimp is) and says "The Maiden" and the pimp grumbles to himself "always The Maiden" but then he adds "and The Stranger" looking at a woman who has her hair in a reverse poneytail so it's hiding her face and the pimp breaks character and asks "two is extra you realize?" and the man snaps "yes yes" not wanting to break the fantasy so he snaps for the other girls to leave as the two chosen "gods" come to the smiling old fat man
when suddenly LANCEL AND TWO OTHER "SPARROWS" BARGE IN AND SEIZE THE MAN and when the pimp tries to tell them who owns this establishment Lancel just backhands his former l-oh wait I'm getting him and Loras mixed up again fuck, ok he backhands this guy he's never met before and his men start kicking the shit out of him as Lancel tells the old john "you have profaned our faith, the faith of our fathers and forefathers" and the old man announces himself as "I AM THE HIGH SEPTON OF THE-" but Lancel grabs his ear and tells him "you are a sinner, and you will be punished" lmao I guess we've seen this guy before as the priest dude who does all the weddings but I guess he didn't really have much faith if he's making a sex game out of it and is now getting usurped by a new more dedicated religious figure and the men drag him outside stripping him naked except for his 7-pointed star necklace and force him to walk through the street as they all chant "sinner! sinner! sinner!" and when he tries to cover his genitals they beat his hands with a stick and like some SPH porn a woman starts laughing at him and they beat his hands when he tries to cover up again forcing him to walk through the crowd that all start telling him "sinner! sinner! repent! shame on you!" which in this sitting is honestly a really tame form of vigilantism they just embarrassed the dude in front of people who live outside a brothel and probably know full well powerful people visit there I was expecting them to ram a spear up his arse or something
then later he goes to see the Small Council to complain and he greets everyone intil he gets to Qyburn who just says "it doesn't matter" not caring for formalities as long as he gets to do his experiments and the High Septon starts ranting about how "an insult to me is an insult to the gods" but Cersei is not impressed and when Qyburn brings up where the assault started the seemingly naive and dumb Mace is shocked and appalled, which makes me think that he's doing the same thing as Pycelle, playing possum, but with his intelligence instead of his age, and the High Septon tries to defend himself saying "even prostitutes may earn the mercy of the Mother" which Qyburn doesn't buy but Pycelle insists "a man's private affairs ought to stay private!" Cersei just smiles at him knowing he hires cags from the same brothel and asks the High Septon very unconcerned what he wants and he insists they throw them in the black cells and execute their leader the "so-called High Sparrow" a fun thing I've noticed is that when anyone uses the term "so-called" that's them letting slip they're scared of them lmao, like the BBC insisting on saying "so-called Islamic State" and Black Israelites calling every other race "the so-called white man" ect and not giving a shit about this seemingly harmless intra-faith drama Cersei lazily asks where to find him
and with the power of editing we get our answer as Cersei leaves her portable cuckshed and outside a stinking squalor and Ser Meryn or whoever tells her it's not a good idea but she asks a poor man where to find the High Sparrow and he doesn't get a speaking role so just points in and Cersei walks in on all these poor homeless people sitting in their own shit and stinking and people give her "seven blessings m'lady" and she comes to some homeless being given soup by another poor man in a raggedy robe and she asks him where to find the High Sparrow and the man laughs and says "sounds ridiculous doesn't it? like Lord Duckling or King Turtle... still, it's meant to, we're often stuck with the names our enemies give to us, the notion that we're all equal in the eyes of the Seven doesn't sit well with some so they belittle me" and Cersei clocks who she's talking to and as the High Sparrow gives soup to a homeless woman and says "it's just a name, quiet an easy burden to bear, quite easier than hers" she also clocks that this guy is a clever operator to actually give himself his own silly nickname so his enemies will just use that to mock him rather than come up with something he doesn't have control over and she starts angling for intel off of him as she realizes this dude could be a danger to her by asking "why no shoes?" and he simply says "because I gave them away to someone who needed them more, we all do that, it stops us from forgetting who we really are" and Cersei glares at him thinking he's bullshitting her and asks "that why you came to King's Landing? to remind everyone?" and he humbly says "everyone? hard enough job reminding myself! well, I tell them no one's special and they think I'm special for telling them so" and Cersei looks him up and down and says "perhaps they're right?" seeing how much narcissism he's vulnerable to and if it could be used against him but he just says "it would be comforting to believe that, wouldn't it?" and then turning it back around on her to see what secret intentions he can get out of her or at least her thinking about to see if she slips up with a bit of slut shaming thrown in since everyone know's her reputation he asks "have the gods sent you here to tempt me? I hope not, I had assumed you'd only come here to arrest me for that incident with the High Septon" and when she says it was unacceptable he tells her "hypocrisy is a boil, lancing a boil is never pleasant, although they could have been more careful with the blade" subtly hinting that that guy got off easy that they didn't literally use a blade on him and Cersei smiles that he's a man who's deep down as assured in the need to deal with with enemies as her and smiles telling him what the High Septon wants done with him as she's curious to see what this clearly very intelligent man will make of it but he just smiles back and says "I wouldn't presume to know your thoughts on the matter" and Cersei smiles knowing he's trying to do just that to her and claims she supports his opinion on the High Septon's disgraceful behaviour "so now he resides in the Red Keep dungeons instead" oh shit rekt you pervert
and for the first time the High Sparrow gives her a serious look as he realizes Cersei is just as smart a power player as him and is taking the opportunity to take out another powerful person in the city and also test his reaction to her seemingly supporting him as Cersei tempts "the faith and the crown are the two pillars that hold up this world, one collapses so does the other, we must do everything necessary to protect one another" and tries to smile warmly at him but he can tell it's bullshit and we cut away before he says anything, ok this is an ok storyline but I feel like it should have been a story element from the start since religion here is very modern where it's just a personal belief and everyone respects each other's faiths with only a few evangelicals causing drama and a few radicals actually killing people for it when in real life medieval times the crown ruled entirely by holy law and were only seen as legitimate because they got the priest class to say they were God's chosen representative on Earth and literally every conflict was seen through the lens of competing religious motivations at least to the public rather than openly admitting "uh I just want power over this other leader and you guys are my serfs so go fight them, thanks" like they do in this world, also I like this High Sparrow character, the actor is really good, he was great in Brazil, Tomorrow Never Dies, Pirates of the Caribbean and unironically great in G.I. Joe Retaliation where he plays the POTUS as well as the master of disguise who's taken his place and there's a hilarious scene where he calls a meeting of all the nuclear powers in the world, launches America's nukes against their countries forcing them to launch theirs, destroys his nukes mid-air forcing them to destroy theirs too now there's no threat, thus tricking the entire world into nuclear disarmament in a few minutes all so Cobra Commander can walk in introducing his orbital strike weapon as the only remaining world power with WMDs all while he plays Angry Birds on his phone lmao but I'm guessing the angle on the High Sparrow is that he does actually geniunely believe in his religion and everyone is going to assume he's just another charlatan who only preaches that shit to get personal power but usurping the High Septon so easily in the first episode is to show that he's not a fraud like him and is an actual true believer and uses his power play abilities to spread his religion that he honestly thinks is the best for the world, which would be a really interesting angle to add to this mix of completely dishonest evil people other than... you know... supernatural entities are confirmed real in this world, so it's not really a test of faith or something you can examine the morality of, e.g. if he really has faith or not and just thinks this religion can do the most good for Westeros, since uhhh this world is like DnD where people could know for a fact that their gods are real and them worshipping them has tangible results, at least for one religion so far, the Red Lady's, even the Old God's seem real, but so far The Seven don't have any miracles to their name so it just makes the High Sparrow look factually wrong and even if The Seven were real too then it's not really a question of faith then is it, he'd just be doing the logical thing and following these insanely powerful beings who'd benefit himself and others and doesn't make ny any different from someone loyal to a king, nice dumb setting GRRM
then we see Qyburn in his lab getting a poor mouse out of a cage and seemingly kills it with a knife under a microscope when Cersei barges in and tells him to send this message "to Littlefinger at the Eryie or wherever he's slithering about" lmao and she asks him on the progress of his work and he says it's going well and as she leaves the camera pans around to show a huge human figure under a blanket that is presumably The Mountain's corpse he's preserving somehow and as Qyburn sits there transcribing the note to a crow letter THE MOUNTAIN'S BODY SUDDENLY JOLTS UNDER THE BLANKET and Qyburn just tells him... it... "shhhh... easy friend" this is some real Frankenstein shit up in here, another dumb supernatural storyline that weakens how important death is in the setting
then in Winterfell we see Reek doing manual labor and bending over to hide his face when Sansa walks past hoping she doesn't recognize him as whatever is left of Theon in there knows that'll only cause both of them emotional pain never mind whatever the fuck Ramsay would do with that information and we see Ramsay, who presumably already knows they grew up together, looking down at Sansa with CIA and telling him politely "she really is lovely, I hope I can make her happy" and Ramsay perks up with he hears CIA say "I hope so too, she's suffered enough" and he promises "I'll never hurt her, you have my word" and the actor does a great job of playing a guy with no concept of honor trying to pretend he's honerable so it comes across as just a little bit overacting and CIA can sense this and turns his full attention to him and claims "I've heard very little about you which makes you quite a rare thing as Lords go" which if it's the truth would explain his rash decision to give Sansa to him but it's kind of unbelievable he wouldn't since Ramsay has been openly skinning Lords and their families alive with the express intention for that news to travel wide and Ramsay pretends to be insecure and mumbles "I haven't been a lord very long, I was a bastard" as he can probably tell or has been warned that CIA is quite the devious manipulator and doesn't want him catching on to how dangerous he is and Roose joins them to add "and you're not anymore" and does the "leave us" meme to Ramsay who sycophanticly gives a big smile and says "and thank you Lord Baelish, I'm forever in your debt" and bows his head to him and walks off politely and CIA quips "he seems pleased" and Roose deadpans "shouldn't he be?" and CIA catches his implication immediately "I assure you she's still a virgin, Tyrion never consummated the marriage, by the law of the land she's been no man's wife, inspect her if you must" but Roose turns down the subtle temptation "I'll leave that to the brothel keeper" doing the real life retarded hymen meme and Roose handwaves "it's her name I need not her virtue" and CIA swoops in on what he can get out of it saying "then I have delivered everything I promised" and Roose asks "and you're prepared for the consequences when the Lannisters hear I've wed Sansa Stark to Ramsey?" and CIA explains "the Lannister name doesn't mean what it once did, Tywin is dead, he kept his house in power through sheer will, without him Jaime has no hand and no allies, Tommen is a soft boy not a king to fear" but Roose already knows who's really in charge and points out "the queen will be enraged" and CIA, pretending he doesn't know the same thing better than him, memes "Queen Margaery adores Sansa, Cersei is Queen Mother, a title who's importance wanes with each passing day" and Roose warns "and yet she still has friends, men in important places whom she can ask for favors" speaking about himself as he faux-pleasantly, which is Roose's tell for when he's about to fuck you over, him trying to seem pleasant and not talking in a monotone for once, passes CIA a message rerouted from the Eyrie, and CIA notes "a message for me you say? strange the seal is broken" and Roose just smiles as he knows he can't do shit to him and says "I'm sure you understand my position Lord Baelish, if you receive word in the middle of the night from the Queen Mother it does make me question our new alliance" and he cuts the shit and asks him why he'd gamble with his position and CIA just looks him in the eye and says "every ambitious move is a gamble" and steps up the stairs he was on to look Roose face to face to say "you gambled when you drove a dagger into Robb Stark's heart... it appears your gamble paid off" as he tries to get under his skin by smirking at him as he talks out one side of his mouth that bizarre way that Aiden Gillen does but Roose just stares back at him as he gets under peoples skins non-metaphorically and doesn't give a shit about him and Roose points out "I had Tywin Lannister's backing, who supports me now? you?" getting under his upstart skin immediately and CIA gets mad and tells him "The Eyrie is mine" and boasts about how the last time that place and the North teamed up they took out the Targs and Roose just stares at him blankly not having anything to say to this little weasel proposing an alliance as if he couldn't force him to sign up his men like it was nothing and CIA tries not to look shook and asks for a crow but Roose insists he read his reply and walks off leaving CIA sitting there fuming, that was an interesting scene of the sociopathic CIA who thinks he can trick his way out of every situation talking to the psychopathic Ramsay and his probably similarly inclined father who know for a fact they can kill their way out of every situation
then in Essos Tyrion looks out the deluxe cucksheds window to see they're arriving in a kind of southeast asian looking city and I just realized the carriage is not actually that big inside it was just an illusion from it looking like a traincar with tiny Tyrion walking around inside it lmao and he acts all antsy and demands that he get out of this "wheelhouse" which I guess is ye-olde-winnebago but Varys warns he'll be spotted in this city of Volantis but Tyrion walks up to him and says firmly he wont be any use if he's gone mad from not being able to remember seeing a face that wasn't his and Varys just shrugs and says "it's a perfectly good face" and maybe I'm just high or something but it seems Varys shaves his eyebrows and hasn't been able to keep it up recently because I didn't notice before that he had any but now he does and Tyrion just puts his hood and insists that this far from Westeros he'll just look like "one more drunk dwarf"
and marches out and we get a cool panning shot over the rooftops of this cool-ass looking fantasy Kuala Lumpur or whatever as the camera jostles through the crowded streets with people trading all around and Tyrion, still drinking, sees... A SEVERED HUMAN HAND HANGING ON A MEATHOOK?! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 95 and realizes "slaves" and Varys sighs "yes the Volantene masters are very organized, flies for dung shovelers, hammers for builders, tears for whores, lest they forget" as both the perceptive men take note of the tattoos on the slaves cheeks
and they come to I think our first ever East Asian woman who seems to be leading the crowd of slaves in a prayer to the Red Lady's god (Allah) and she preaches to them about how she used to be a slave as Tyrion talks about how "the only red preist we had in King's Landing was Thoros of Myr, this one's much better looking" so I guess since they keep saying he's from Myr it's to point out that their religion has not come very ar to Westeros (very funny how Westeros is a stand-in for the UK but treated like all of Europe where it's a landmass all white people come from and the larger continent to the west is just an underwritten generic Eurasia made up entirely of citystates that run on slavery and filled with all sorts of black and arab and asian people since that's how Americans think all of human history went) and when Tyrion, who seems to know Valyrian, hears the priestess say Allah hears even the stone men he mutters "good luck stopping the spread of greyscale with prayer" which implies it's contagious when it's still growing and Varys shushes him knowing getting into a religious argument in public is not how to stay undercover and when the priestesss announces that Allah has sent a savoir THE DRAGON QUEEN! the crowd cheers and Tyrion just sits there making jokes about it to Varys but then... the fire priestess looks up and locks eyes with Tyrion as if Allah guided her who puts his hood up and says "let's find a brothel"
and they go back into the crammed market to find a whorehouse and when they do the guard pats Tyrion like he's a small child and says "it's good luck to rub a dwarf's head" and Tyrion quips "it's even better luck to suck a dwarf's cock" and Varys looks around appalled trying to make sure there's no guards around who'll arrest them for fighting in public or something but despite the guard glaring down at him we cut to them walking in unmolested and a barmaid delivers some ale to the boys and Tyrion notes THE BARMAID WHORE IS IN COSPLAY OF DANY LMAO and he looks at her exposed arse and comments "what strange... hair" as another patron calls over "the mother of dragons!" and Tyrion quips to Varys "it appears you're not the only Targaryen supporter" and we hear the johns in the background telling the whore "we were just heading East to see you, I've got a dragon for ya! how much to make him spit fire?"
and we see JORAH sitting in the same bar drowning his sorrows and he looks like he's about to have a panic attack from hearing his waifu being degraded like that and Varys notes to Tyrion "someone who inspires priests and whores is worth taking seriously" and Jorah looks like he's struggling not to start a fight over "Dany" draping herself across the johns lap and when Tyrion spots an unaccompanied cag he tells Varys "I need to speak to someone with hair" he goes up to this woman who has a tear tattoo which is uh a bit awkward since it means she's literally a slave and he tries to chat her up by very very stupidly boasting about how he used to he used to be one of the richest men in the world is well known for always paying his debts which she takes as a joke but if anyone asks around for anyone who talked to a dwarf and what he said it'd be pretty clear who he was if she grasses him up and the cag gets jealous when he sees Tyrion glancing over at the much more popular Dany cosplayer and she decries how "they all want to fuck a queen" and Tyrion quips "that's because they've never met a queen" thinking of what a bitch his own sister is (but the wrong brother for that to be a good thing) and he assures her she'd be his first choice "because you have a sceptical mind" a tip tip tip of the fedora to you too my good sir and the cag is flattered so takes him by the hand to fuck him in the back warning he needs to wash first but Tyrion sits there holding her hand and is shocked to find... TYRION DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK WHORES ANYMORE with the girl thinking he's just shy and Tyrion looking around confused as if he doesn't understand himself since he's usually raring to go no matter how drunk he gets but I think it's clear it's because he gave up whoring for Shae and had an actual loving relationship for the first time in his life and she betrayed him and he fucking killed her so he's not exactly in the mood for a fun one night stand with a woman for rent and might not be ever again and he jokes "what will I do with my free time now?" and rushes off to take a piss off a ledge as V... no... JORAH appears behind him who Tyrion mistakes for his bald friend and he teases him for spying on him and tells him there'll be more shows inside but JORAH PUTS A ROPE AROUND TYRION AND A GAG IN HIS MOUTH and tells him "I'm taking you to the queen" and runs off with him over her back, kind of a dumb cliffhanger since 1) how the fuck does he get Tyrion out of the brothel and 2) Dany probably already knows by now he's an enemy of King's Landing and will want to keep him around
Game of Thrones 5x04: "Sons of the Harpy" homophobic hate crimes special edition
First aired: May 3, 2015
we open on a fisherman unpacking his boat at night when suddenly JORAH LUMPS HIM OUT out of nowhere and drags him to shore and leaves a coin on his body for compensation and then grabs Tyrion, who brainlet Jorah didn't pat down and catches with a knife trying to cut his binds, and puts him on the fishing boat
then we see Jaime on a larger cargo boat and he asks a black fellow "is that Estermont?" at a landmass near by but he answers "Tarth, Ser Jamie, The Sapphire Isle" and Jaime looks on wistfully remembering Brie and that bullshit he told Locke about her homeland and then inside Bronn is being a dipshit throwing a knife at a bag of grain and whining about being stuck in a cargo hold instead of a Lannister ship and Jaime explains it's the best way to secretly infiltrate Dorne and Bronn warns him that "The Dornish are crazy, all they want is to fight and fuck, fuck and fight" and Jaime teases "you should be happy to go back then" and Bronn says there'll be no time for the best part if they're kidnapping their princess and Jaime makes sure to remember to say they're rescuing his niece... not daughter... but Bronn calls him out "your niece?" and Jaime freezes up so Bronn can tell what Tyrion must have told him is right and then asks why the two-man mission and not an army and Jaime, now a moralfag, says "I don't want to start a war" but Bronn meant why him and talks about how if he was the one-handed most recognizable man in Westeros he wouldn't be doing this but Jaime insists "it has to be me" and Bronn calls him out on being the one to free Tyrion but Jaime insists it was only Varys and Bronn just quips "well if you ever see the wee fucker give him my regards" and lays down and Jaime remembers he needs to keep his act up for the sake of his kids and insists "he murdered my father, if I ever see him again I'll split him in two, and then I'll give him your regards" convincing Bronn he's serious
then in King's Landing Cersei is being told by the new Master of Coin after Tyrion's departure Mace "(((The Iron Bank))) has called in one-tenth of the crown's debts" and with winter coming they can only afford half and makes an extremely cringy joke "house Tyrell could front the gold and we'd pay them back in time... or I'd have words with my daughter!" smiling stupidly at Cersei, the joke being the actual head of the crown is his daughter in-law, and Qyburn and Pycelle look at him like yeah nah mate and Cersei forces herself to smile and say "you've already given us too much" and insists on a renegotiation... in person, and Mace bricks it as he realizes she means him, and she gives an evil smile as she gets to abuse this dullard who just offended her immediately by telling him "the King has expressed concern about the safety of his father in law on his voyage... he's ordered Ser Meryn to personally lead your escort" knowing Mace was probably trying to find some way to weasel out of this I assume dangerous mission and Mace looks over squirming in his seat as he hears Meryn stomping into the room and tries to get out of it by saying his own kingsguard is excessive but Cersei's not having it so he just gives in, makes a cringy joke that doesn't land and scurries off and Pycelle points out "the Small Council grows smaller and smaller" and Cersei threatens "not small enough" and he glares after her knowing that he's the last man standing since Qyburn is currently of use to her
then later we see Cersei having received I think that's CIA's reply and she's pouring the High Sparrow a wine but he reuses and Cersei looks offended at being turned down and annoyed that she can't get this guy drunk to make him easier to manipulate but jokes "the old High Septon would have asked the vintage" and the High Sparrow jokes "I could say that our minds are temples to the Seven and should be kept pure... but the truth is I don't like the taste" and when they cut to the chase Cersei says "all over Westeros we hear of septs being burned, Silent Sisters being raped" and awkwardly stares at him in silence as if she blames him just for being male for it (and I'd say for being apart of a patriarchal religion but the Seven seems pretty gender balanced which you'd think would reflect the culture not being as patriarchal but once again GRRM doesn't get how religions interface with society over the course of thousands of years since he is an Amerifat who think of religion as just another identity label to pick and choose from in your personal life having a complete absence of history or organic culture)
and goes on "bodies of holy men piled in the street" and the High Sparrow explains "wars teach people to obey the sword, not the gods" casually throwing shade at her since her family started it but Cersei suggests "perhaps the gods need a sword of their own" but the High Sparrow says as if he's teaching a history lesson "well the Faith Militant was disarmed more than two centuries ago" but Cersei assures him she could get Tommen to rearm them and the High Sparrow's eyes light up as he's tempted by "an army that defends the bodies and souls of the common people?" and Cersei assures him "an army in service of the gods themselves, and to you of course, as the chosen representative of the Seven" and the High Sparrow says "an honor I never expected, or indeed, wished for" but still looking happy and Cersei keeps forcing a smile trying to work out if his man of faith shit is just an act or not and says "which is why you were chosen" and the High Sparrow looks satisfied as if he's happy that she's trusting him but also relieved that his ideas of doing the best good you can to the world while remaining humble are finally being noticed and rewarded by the establishment that seemingly usually ignores him with Cersei just the right words to say to butter up a man who probably takes pride in not being prideful, that people who long for power aren't fit for it and the best leaders are people not interested in power, probably something she finds laughable herself, and she tells him "you and I both know how the world works... too often the wicked are the wealthiest, beyond the reach of justice, the King himself cannot always punish those who deserve it most" clearly angling for the new Faith Militant to be her personal attack dogs and the High Sparrow agrees with her but also reminds her "all sinners are equal before the gods" and Cersei just forces a smile knowing she's the most guilty and then asks "what would you say if I told you of a great sinner in our very midst? shrouded by gold and privilege" uh oh methinks Pycelle's whoring ways are about to backfire and the High Sparrow just smiles and says "may the Father judge him justly"
and then we cut to some sparrows this time with chains around their black robes to show they're of a more militant leaning now storming into a street, puncturing all the barrels of ale as people gasp around them and then throwing people out of a bar and smashing the other barrels open and we see a man biting down on a bit as his forehead is cut and the sparrows beat up some merchant and smash his stall and when he looks up to the City Guards on the wall and cries for help they just walk away knowing this is sanctioned by the queen and we see the man getting carved into more as he tries to withstand the pain and then the sparrows busting into a man with a cag riding him in a brothel and pulls them apart and a grinning sparrow with a mark on his forehead starts beating the man and they rush into another room that has loads of guests all making out and start beating the shit out of everyone and the gay pimp dude grabs one of them and warns "this is Lord Petyr Baelish's establishment" hoping that'll work this time but THE ZEALOT JUST ELBOWS HIM and leaves and then he hears someone shrieking in pain as a Sparrow yells COCKSUCKER! BOY FUCKER! YOU BUGGERING FILTH! as he finds... one of his male prostitutes on the floor next to a middle aged male john being beaten and their leader says "there's a special place in the seventh hell for your kind" and the john, who has a very small penis, shout out for still choosing to appear naked in the most popular TV show of all time lmao
starts begging that he'll pay all of them whatever they want but the leader takes out a knife and hisses "yes... you will" and comes towards him and he starts screaming as the pimp runs off in fear that he could be next and we see the man being carved on is Lancel who sits up revealing THE SPARROWS ARE CARVING HEPTAGRAMS INTO THEIR OWN AND GAY MEN'S FOREHEADSEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 96
and we see more sparrows including Lancel rushing into the City Guads training grounds armed with clubs and then seize... Loras, who's training the guards, and Lancel, who I just accidentally called Loras again, tells him "Ser Lancel of House Tyrell, you have broken the laws of gods and men" and Loras stares in confusion, anger and fear at this psycho staring at him with a fresh carving in his forehead who unbeknownst to him is his... uh... cousin-once-removed-in-law? who he's probably met before but can't recognize and asks "who do you think you are?" and Lancel replies "justice" edgy
and we cut to Margaery who clearly has no respect for her husband barges into a startled Tommen's dinning room and slams her hands on the table demands to know "why is my brother in a cell?" and Tommen stutters "I-I don't know I-I didn't order it" and Margaery just stares at the bewildered boy before saying "we both know who did" and storms around the room yelling at him "you told me she was returning to Casterly Rock!" and dumbass Tommen asks "are you saying my mother's behind this?" and she claims it's "she's jealous that you're not hers anymore, arresting my brother is her revenge!" and Tommen innocently asks "aren't you and mother getting along?" and Marg huffs in frustration at what a naive dumb boy and can't help herself from saying "oh my sweet, sweet King... do you have any affection for me at all?" and Tommen takes her hand and she guilts him into setting her brother free
then we see Tommen storming into his mothers office and for the first time in his life raises his voice to her "I demand that Ser Loras be freed now" and Cersei cocks an eyebrow at her son she couldn't be less scared of and asks coldly "did I arrest him?" instantly breaking Tommen's will who stands there stuttering "w-well- no... but y-you armed the Faith Militant... you gave the High Sparow an army!" whining like a little kid and Cersei admits "I did, and your wife has every right to criticize, we can't allow fantastics to arrest the queens brother no matter his perversions" and Tommen, having such a childlike experience is only concerned with "can I tell Margaery you'll have Ser Loras released?" just because he doesn't want his wife yelling at him again lmao and Cersei takes the opportunity to make Tommen go try and assert himself to the High Sparrow
so then we cut to four Kingsguard members and some soldiers escorting Tommen's cuckshed to the High Sept that now has homeless people all sitting at the bottom of the steps living there for their charity and as Tommen tries to walk up THE SPARROWS BLOCK THE KING'S WAY and he nervously looks up as the sparrow warns "his Holiness is praying, he will not be disturbed" and a kingsguard offers him "give the word and we'll clear out this rabble" putting his hand on his sword and Tommen looks around anxiously as if he's the main character in a telltale game having to choose between the lethal and non-lethal options and he asks "you mean kill them? here at the sept?" and the kingsguard maddogs the lead sparrow and jokes "you'd be sending them to meet the gods that they love" but ALL THE OTHER SPARROWS READY THEIR CLUBS and one of the homeless people yells out BASTARD! and another yells YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION! and Tommen looks around scared as he's never been insulted by a stranger before and all the homeless stand up as another yells BORN OF SIN! and Tommen looks around noticing other than the five kingsguard he only has five Lannister soldiers with him and a woman calls FILTHY BASTARD! and making the smart choice Tommen tells them "we'll find another way" and walks of as a man calls after him ABOMINATION!welp I see Cersei made the smart choice of empowering religious extremists which definitely won't have any blowback against her family, bit of a fucking retarded storyline for a woman so obsessed with monopolizing power for herself but here she's acting as if she just wants to bully Margaery, her family's safety be damned
and then we see Tommen coming back home and apologizing awkwardly to his wife "there was no way to free Ser Loras without violence" and Marg stares at him like is this kid fucking autistic or some shit and starts doing his titledrop memes and calls him out for "letting a bunch of fanatics imprison your brother-in-law" and Tommen shuffles nervously and claims "I'm going to speak to the High Sparrow" and Marg mocks "are you? when?" not bothering to pretend to respect him anymore and he mumbles "I don't know" and she repeats "you don't know?" and he tries to explain "he was praying... just now" and Marg realizes this soyboy isn't going to do shit to help her brother so rushes off to see her grandmother and when Tommen pathetically asks "will you come back later" having no idea how marriages work but still wanting affection from her and Marg says without even turning around knowing that withholding affection from him will get him more desperate for help and says "I need to be with my family Your Grace" and walks off leaving Tommen standing there sadly saying "of course" as he gets his first taste of palace politics drama all caused by his cunt mother
then at Castle Black Stannis and his wife are watching Jon and the men train and there is a bit where Jon blocks a guys sword and then swats it out the way and the man snaps his head away with a sound effect like he got hit or something even though the butt of Jon's sword was like a foot away from his face which makes me think like they shot him swordbutting him from the wrong angle so you can clearly see he's pulling his hit or something and Stannis' wife acts all cunty saying Jon is "the bastard by some tavern slut" and starts apologizing again for not giving him a son but Stannis still loves his wife somehow and says "not your fault" and she cant drop it and says "then whos? I gave you nothing but weakness...... and deformity" glaring over at her daughter sitting there quite entertained by seeing soldiers training like she'd only read about in books before as if she hates her own daughter just for being a woman never mind disfigured but the Red Lady turns up and tells her "her scars mean nothing to the Lord of Light, her father is the Lord's chosen king and her ather's blood runs through her veins" yep that little girl getting lit the fuck up and glares at her and the cunty wife knows she can't talk back to her so storms off and then the Red Lady makes sure to clarify that Stannis is bringing her to the invasion of Winterfell unlike leaving him behind for Davos like in King's Landing and she claims she only wants to serve her lord hmmmm maybe she can sacrifice more people in a war or something
then we see Jon having to actually do some work by signing a bunch of recruitment letters Sam has written to various Lords asking for reinforcements from their men and they joke about how they've never even heard of these families until Jon gets to... an awkward one... Roose Bolton and he refuses to ask his family's killer for help but Sam tries to explain they can't defend The Wall with 50 men and need to take men from anyone so Jon sits there fuming and forces himself to sign it and sits back in a huff and Sam rushes to pack the letters away before he tears it up or something and almost bums into the Red Lady as he's leaving and as she stares at him intimidating him he mumbles "my apologizes m'lady" and Jon nods that it's ok to leave him as they both don't trust her and after he does she immediately starts trying to get him to ride on Winterfell without any smalltalk reasoning he knows it better than any of them smiling as she knows how homesick he must be but Jon steels himself and insists the Night's Watch is his home now but the Red Lady tells him "there's only one war, life against death" ok thanks for killing all those people good job you crazy thot and she offers "come, see what you're fighting for" and Jon sneers "you're gonna show me some vision in the fire? forgive me my lady I don't trust in visions" probably being smart enough to know that it's just some inkblot test bullshit where she tells you what she wants you to see in a moving patern and you tell yourself you see it but she tells him "no visions, no magic, just life" and SHE DOES HER SPECIAL MOVE OF OPENING HER GOWN AND PUTTING JON'S HAND ON HER BREAST
and she asks the enthralled Jon "do you feel my heart beating? there's power in you, you resist it and that's your mistake, embrace it" and when Jon finally comes to of his pussyhaze and takes his hand away she just smiles like she's flattered and sits on his lap and when Jon points out Stannis wouldn't like them fucking she looks at him with crazy wild eyes and just says "then we shouldn't tell him" and starts to take his shirt off but he mumbles "I can't... I swore an oath... I loved another" and she tells him "the dead don't need lovers, only the living" and he snatches her hands away and tells her "I know, but I still love her" and the Red Lady leaves in a huff but before she does she turns to him and says the meme "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW" oh ok thats why it's a meme, and he looks at her like what le fuggggggggg and she smiles cockily and leaves, ok fucking retarded for a few reasons one is that she can seemingly talk to fucking dead people if this isn't another parlor trick where she simply asked the Wildling POWs questions about his relationship with Yigritte or something but that's a whole new can of worms that implies souls exist and again why wouldn't any powerful person be able to get whatever information they want by getting a witch to contact dead people and this'll sound like a meme but I actually did have to look up to see if that seduction scene was written by a woman since Jon's reaction was so cartoony like he was literally being hypnotized by titties that I figured only a woman would think that is a proper reaction but no it's written by one of the rare writers not to be D&D (also this is the first season where GRRM didn't write an episode, guess he's too busy writing book 6 (yeah right you lazy fat fuck)) he's just a retarded hack obviously if any woman did this oh I will seduuuuuuuuce youuuuuuuuuuuu and literally take her robe off any man who doesn't have down syndrome would immediately realize she's trying to manipulate him with ill intent and she'd never be able to have credibility with him again since she's such an obvious bad actor or extremely unhinged
then we see Stannis' daughter visiting his temporary office and she starts fidgeting about and Stannis tells her "my father used to tell me boredom indicates a lack of inner resources" which is true I can autistically entertain myself with my imagination for hours on end and what Shireen takes from that is "were you bored a lot too?" as she can see through her father's words to his real feelings better than anyone other than the Red Lady and he goes to apologize for taking her there but she says she's enjoying it there despite her mother telling her she didn't want to bring her which upsets Stannis and she makes it worse by asking "are you ashamed of me father?" and Stannis puts down his papers and tells her a story of a doll a Dornish trader made to sell him and what a happy memory it was to give it to her as a baby... but then they had to burn it, implying it might have been contaminated with greyscale, and he tells her they expected her to die and everyone wanted to send her away to the ruins of I guess the Valyrian culture where the other "stone men" live before she infected the castle... I'm guessing maybe this is how he met the Red Lady? she did some magical shit to cure his daughter and halt it's progress? and she looks sad but then Stannis says "I told them all to go to hell" and she smiles, proud to have such a determined father who'll always protect her, and he says "I called in every maester, every healer, every apothecary, they stopped the disease and saved your life, because you do not belong half way across the world with the bloody stone men, you are the Princess Shireen of the House Baratheon... and you are my daughter" and she rushes up and hugs him tightly and he eventually puts his hands around her and allows himself to hold her, awwwwwwww, yeah something bad is happening to her
then we see Sansa in the Winterfell catacombs lighting some candles in some statues hands I guess paying tribute to her dead family members when she finds... the feather from a crow, but then CIA sneaks up on her and tells her that statue is your "Aunt Lyanna" and she talks about how much Ned missed her and CIA says he saw her when he was younger at a joust between Barry and Dany's brother actually and he remembers the girls swooning for his hansom silver hair ah so I guess Dany and her brother were widely known and not little kiddies during the Mad King's rule but he rode past Elia Martell and, wait, no, that's not Dany's brother, they're talking about, wait, Rhaegar Targaryen was the Mad King right? so it's Dany's father? so he was a prince at this time and presumably hadn't gone fucking insane yet? ok, and CIA talks about how he was riding straight past poor Elia who ends up getting Mountain'd and lays flowers down on Lyanna's lap, so I guess the meme here is that Lyanna is Dany's real mother and she's really a bastard that's Jon's cousin or something, I need a fucking family tree to follow this shit, and CIA wonders "how many tens of thousands had to die because Rhaegar chose your aunt?" and Sansa reminds him "yes he chose her... then he kidnapped and raped her" and CIA smirks at how self-assured she is and takes her "somewhere were the dead can't hear us" and Sansa is distressed to find CIA is leaving her there for King's Landing to keep up appearances with Cersei, this is a kind of dumb plan since Roose has no reason not to sell him out to Cersei, he's just gambling that now Tywin is dead Roose doesn't worry about the Lannister's from their lowered ability to project power up North, and then he makes the even bigger dumb move of assuring Sansa she wont be there for long as he explains how he gamed out that Stannis will be on the Iron Throne before winter since he's going to take Winterfell, get Ned's bannermen and successfully siege King's Landing this time and out of gratitude to her father's support will name her Wardeness of the North... which Sansa can't believe and asks what if he's wrong and CIA tells her she'll just manipulate Ramsay and make him hers so when he inherits his father's role she can use him as a proxy and Sansa worries "I don't know how to do that" but CIA assures her "of course you do, he's already fallen for you" and Sansa worries "his father frightens me" and CIA gets a cheeky smile and smarms "you should, he's a dangerous man, but even the most dangerous men can be outmanoeuvred and you've learnt to manner from the very best" and assures her she'll be strong without him and... CIA KISSES HIS STEP-NIECE and promises her the North and makes sure to ask "do you believe me?" and she nods and tells him she'll be a married woman by the time he returns and as he leaves her smile falters as she's just playing him the whole time, ok, this seems fucking retarded, unless CIA is doing some master ruseman shit to fuck over Stannis for Cersei or some shit why the fuck would he tell her shit like how Stannis is at Castle Black? he knows this family is infamous for torturing people, and how is he such a brainlet he doesn't know Ramsay is at least as dangerous as Roose from all his public flayings and obviously can't be cowtowed by Sansa? it would make sense if he only told her that because he's really siding with Stannis and was giving her false intel knowing Ramsay would get it out of her to trick them into an epic ruse, but Stannis really is in Castle Black, so I think it might just be a case of shit writing and CIA has gone from the most epic rusemaster in season 3 to a fucking idiot that can't tell he can't trust a 15 year old girl not to spill the beans to a family of notorious torturers
then in Dorne we see Bronn rowing a little rowboat with Jaime on it to shore and he stares at him angry he's not helping and Jaime just holds up his metal hand he can't grip anything properly with so if he rowed they'd just start going in a circle lmao and they stash their little boat in some grass on the beach and make camp but Jaime is woke up by BRONN THROWING A KNIFE... INTO A SNAKE BY HIS HEAD and he cheerily says "breakfast!"
and over a fire as they cook the snake Bronn banters about how "two knights off to save a princess, sounds like a good song to me" but Jaime's idea of banter is to ask him how he'd want to die to try to get as much intel on his travelling companion as he can like a true Lannister and is disappointed to hear Bronn just wants to die an old man in his own keep having his sons grovel for their inheritance and Jaime says in a weird pervy way he'd want to die "in the arms of the woman I love" and Bronn can probably guess who he's on about and asks "would she want the same thing?" and Jaime just makes him get ready to leave then Bronn asks if the captain was Braavosi, I think the city Arya is in and Mace is on his way to, and Jaime says Pentosi, not sure we've been to Pentos yet but I guess black people are from there, and he warns Jaime that he'll tip them off he's there but he assures he bribed him and Bronn jokes "I'm not sure you understand how much people hate your family in this part of the world" and as if to confirm he's right FOUR SOLDIERS RIDE UP ON HORSEBACK and the lads dive behind a sanddune and Broon asks how many he could take and Jaime whines "one... if he's slow?" and these two dumbasses have forgotten they're on a beach and the soldiers simply follow their footprints behind the hill and Bronn is like "oof fucked in the arse" lmao how the fuck did two experienced soldiers miss that one, shit writing so they come out with their hands up and the riders surround them and Bronn says "morning lads... glad we found you" and the men ask "who are you?" and Bronn gives him and Jaime's names as "Cooper and Darnell" as if Jaime's fucking golden hand doesn't instantly give him away to anyone who knows anything about Westeros politics and the guard realizes he's from King's Landing and Bronn's like "accent gave me away?" since he has a sort of cockney London accent sine that's what KL is a stand-in for and Bronn says he's from Flea Bottom which is where characters like Davos, Gentry and Karl were from (despite Davos speaking in an Irish accent lmao) and Bronn claims they're shipwreck survivors and Jaime claims "was sure the sharks would get us" and the guard angrily says "there are no sharks in dorn" and Bronn awkardly says "maybe they were dolphins?" and the guard aint buying it and orders them at spear point to throw down their swords and Bronn gives Jaime a look and Jaime nods for him to do it but as soon as he puts his sword down
and he tells Jaime "that would should be slow enough" and walks off to the fourth one and Jaime readies himself as the guard stands up and JAIME BLOCKS HIS ATTACKS AWKARDLY FIGHTING WITH ONLY ONE HAND STRUGGLING TO TRY TO GET AN ATTACK OF HIS OWN THROUGH AS BRONN CHASES AFTER THE LAST GUY ON A HORSE IN THE BACKGROUND AND JAIME CAN BARELY STAY STANDING AS THE GUARD RAINS DOWN SLASHES AT HIM
AND SMACKS HIM IN THE FACE SENDING HIM FALLING OVER AND HE HAS TO DO A BARREL ROLL DOWN THE SANDHILL TO ESCAPE HIS SCIMITAR BUT THE GUARD SLIDES DOWN AFTER HIM LIKE IT'S APEX LEGENDS AND STARTS ATTACKING JAIME STILL ON HIS KNEES SENDING HIM FALLING FURTHER DOWN THE HILL AND THE GUARD MANAGES TO SMASH JAIME'S WORD SO HARD HE DROPS IT AND SWINGS HIS BLADE DOWN AT JAIME FOR THE KILLING BLOW BUT... JAIME CATCHES THE GUARDS BLADE WITH HIS GOLDEN HAND!!!
and Jaime stands up super confident and kicks the dead dude off of his sword sending him to the bottom of the hill and Bronn turns up and says "nice move" and Jaime looks at the sword still embedded between his prosthetic thumb and palm and admits "luck" as he was just putting his hand up to defend himself and Bronn assures him "you had a wonderful teacher" as Jaime has to kick the sword out of his metal grip and once he gets back up the hill Bronn has killed the fourth guy and taken his horse and Jaime tells him they need to bury the bodies to avoid a war adding "I can't really dig a hole with one hand... not at all really" much to Bronn's frustration
then we cut to a woman in a burqa riding along the beach until she arrives at a tent and a woman welcomes her and she reveals that she's uhhh what did I call her... fucking Oberyns lover, and this woman is apparently her daughter, and she greets her daughter's half-sisters Nym and Obara (need to find a place to put a "thanks Obara" meme) and the first one who has an extreme resting bitch face asks "will it be war?" but she tells them Doran aint doing shit but "we don't need an army to start a war" and Obara I think says "you may have a problem" and she uses a whip to whip a bucket off the ground to reveal THE SHIP CAPTAIN HAS BEEN BURRIED UP TO HIS NECK AND HAS SCORPIONS CRAWLING OVER HIS FACE
who approached them in a bar selling information on Jaime and the milf realizes "he's come for Marcella, if he gets to her before we do we lose our only change for revenge: you must choose, Doran's way and peace, or my way and war" and her daughter chooses her side and the more asian looking one Nym nods in support and Obara starts straight into a monologue about how when Oberyn first introduced himself to her her mother cried that he was going to take her to court, no place for a little girl apparently, and Oberyn just said "boy or girl we all must fight our battles, but the gods let us choose our weapons" and pointed to his spear and then to her mothers tears and OBARA THROWS HER SPEAR THROUGH THE CAPTAIN'S HEADEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 97 (and the CGI looks terrible for it lmao) and quips to her smiling sister and her mother "I made my choice long ago" I guess saying she won't be a typical manipulative woman to get what she wants but choose force even though that's not the options at all here the options are force and not being pieces of shit who hurt an innocent girl... for some cringy feminist shit this is us meeting Oberyn's Sand Snake bastard daughters and I wish I could talk shit about it just being the writers coming up with their own shit for season 5 but sadly they are in the books too so nice one GRRM
then on Jorah's rowboat Tyrion is begging to be untied but Jorah won't so Tyrion starts obnoxiously singing and wont shut the fuck up until Jorah gives in and ungags him lmao and he immediately gets to work fucking with Jorah asking who he is and Jorah just growls "your captor" and Tyrion asks for wine but Jorah has none and then Tyrion starts trying to get intel from him by telling him he's going the wrong way to take him to his sister but Jorah says he's not taking him to his sister and Tyrion's like but you said you're taking me to the queen and he sais "I am, Queen Daenerys Targaryen" which I think is meant to be le ebin twist but Jorah is so obviously obsessed with Dany it's obvious he'd want to suck up to her rather than just cash-in with Cersei and Tyrion literally laughs at him and tells him "what a waste of a good kidnapping, it so happens I was heading there himself" explaining he's looking for "gold and glory, oh and hate, if you'd ever met my sister you'd understand" and asks to be untied "now it's clear we're on the same side" but Jorah thinks it's a trick and ignores him so Tyrion doxxes him from his bear plate sigil armor that he's Jorah Mormont and deduces that since he was drinking in a whorehouse half a world away Dany must have kicked him out for being a spy and Jorah looks away anxiously as Tyrion taunts him for being desperate for trying to win her back using him as a gift and warns she might execute him instead so JORAH PUNCHES TYRION OUT well that's one way to stop someone from playing mindgames with you lmao
then we see Dany overlooking a slightly dodgy looking cgi Meereen worrying about the people and Barry chuckles as he remembers Rhaegar making him escort him into the streets of King's Landing to sing with the mistrals which Dany finds hard to believe, wait, her brother she let Aquaman kill? or an older brother? or her father? I'm fucking confused, and Barry admits he also took money to see how much he could make lol and ah yes Viserys is her younger brother and Dany talks about how he only talked about hoe Rhaegar was good at killing people and Dany tells her he never liked doing that, but loved singing, and would always donate the money to the poor, but then Daario turns up to tell her Hizzy wants to see her and Dany jokingly tells Barry to go and sing a song for her, I thought she was serious for a moment and wanted a performance or was telling him to go sing on the street or something wouldn't surprise me, and Daario assures him he can protect her from the skinny Hizzy but she says she could protect herself from him ok no need to be mean about that skinny dude
and then on her throne Hizzy is whining to her again about the fighting pits saying the men want their shot at glory and he waxes poetically about her ancestors invading Westeros for glory but Dany just asks "is that what you used to tell men before you set them to butchering each other for sport?" and insists she doesn't respect that tradition but Hizzy insists those traditions hold this city together and without them all they have is slaves and masters who hate each other and as he speaks we see... SotH men running through some underground tunnels, uh oh, and in a market it looks like some Second Son men and maybe a Dothraki are flirting with women when THE SONS OF THE HARPIES ATTACK THEM STABBING THEM IN THE BACK
and a patrol of Unsullied hear the civilians screaming and crying and they run to find Dany's dead men and one of the women points them to where they ran but then stops crying as soon as they run off as she's in on it, maybe the whore who killed the Unsullied before, and when the Unsullied run into an alleyway THE SEVEN UNSULLIED ARE SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN SONS OF HARPIES ON EITHER SIDE
AND THEY ALL START FIGHTING IN A BIG MEELE WITH THE UNSULLIED SLAUGHTERING THE HARPIES BUT TWO OF THEM GET THEIR THROATS SLIT AND GREY WORM STARTS GOING HAM PUTTING HIS SPEAR THROUGH AN ENEMIES CHEST
SMASHING ANOTHERS RIBCAGE IN WITH HIS SHIELD, KNOCKING OUT ANOTHER, SPEARING ANOTHER, SLITTING A THIRDS THROAT WITH HIS OWN SHORTSWORD, SPLITTING ANOTHERS SPINE WITH HIS SPEAR
and in the streets we see Barry... on his way to sing? when a bell starts going off and civilians all flee in terror so he takes out his sword and rushes to see what's going on and we get back to GREY WORM FIGHTING MASKED GOONS OFF BUT ONE STABS HIM IN THE BACK AND HE KILLS HIM WITH HIS SPEAR, GETS BEHIND ANOTHER AND RAMS HIM ONTO THE HANDLE OF HIS SPEAR STILL IN THE LAST GUYS CORPSE, PULLS THE KNIFE OUT FROM HIS SIDE, SNAPS THE NECK OF A THIRD AND STARTS KNIFE FIGHTING A FOURTH
AND OUTSIDE WE SEE MORE HARPIES SLAUGHTERING UNSULLIED AND BACK INSIDE WE SEE GREY WORM GOING HAM RACKING UP KILLS WITH HIS SPEAR BUT NOW IT'S JUST HIM AND HE'S SURROUNDED BUT THEN THEY HEAR A HARPY SCREAMING AS HE DIES AND THEY LOOK OVER TO SEE... BARRY KILLING HIM!!!
AND THE 70 YEAR OLD DUDE COMES TOWARDS THE EIGHT REMAINING HARPIES IN A DUELLING STANCE... AND HE HACKS THROUGH ONE, BLOCKS AND HACKS ANOTHER, USES ANOTHER AS A HUMAN SHIELD AGAINST A SWORD, CUTS DOWN A FOURTH AND A FIVE AND A SIXTH AND A SEVENTH
AS GREY WORM LOOKS ON IN MAD RESPECT AND KILLS ONE TOO AS BARRY CUTS DOWN HIS EIGHTH AND NINTH KILL BUT OTHERS COME IN AND START ATTACKING HIM FROM BEHIND BUT BARRY RUNS A TENTH THROUGH BUT ANOTHER CUTS HIS LEG CAUSING HIM TO FELL TO HIS KNEE AND HE CUTS HIS ELEVENTH KILL ACROSS THE CHEST BUT ANOTHER PUNCHES HIM DOWN AND BARRY KNEELS BACK UP AND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS TWELFTH KILL
BUT ANOTHER MANAGES TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK AND HE RUNS HIM THROUGH TOO GETTING HIS THIRTEENTH KILL BUT THE LAST GUY STANDING STABS HIM IN THE CHEST CAUSING BARRY TO DROP HIS SWORD AS THE LAST HARPIE GETS BEHIND HIM AND IS ABOUT TO SLIT HIS THROAT...
BUT GREY WORM STABS HIM IN THE BACK SAVING BARRY!!! BUT HE'S TOO LATE AND HE'S DIED FROM HIS STAB WOUNDS!!! ok I found that scene a bit weird since I thought the Unsullied were meant to be best fighting force in the world training all their lives since they were like 5 but some random thugs for hire can just zerg rush them? in real life you probably really could just rush a great meele fighter and beat him with numbers since fighting in real life is unballanced bs but within this fictional universe they're meant to be peak lethality and the SotH are untrained randos and it's a shame Barry got killed off since he was useful as one of the oldest characters who knows a lot of important information and had an interesting angle of being one of the few characters still loyal to the Targs despite the whole burning civilians issue and I remember when this episode aired the actor who plays him was upset for being killed off because he made sure to study all the books and Barry is still alive at the moment so he wasn't expecting it and wanted to do more of the material but good on him that he at least got a badass fight scene to go out on despite him and his characters age (although in the wider shots you can tell it's a stuntman doing the more crazy moves with a really fake looking beard lmao) and it was sweet he was doing it all to save Grey Worm who he'd been comrades with for like 2 years now but I guess it's good that Dany is finally getting some personal repercussions for once in her life in having her closest ally now that Jorah is fired get merced
Game of Thrones 5x05: "Kill the Boy" eat the rich special edition
First aired: May 10, 2015
we see Missy crying over Grey Worms fucked up body as he rests in bed and then Dany in her throne room with Daario over poor Barry's corpse and Hizzy comes in to give his condolences clearly scared she'll merc him for being from the master class and Dany talks about how Barry was so honerable and crossed a continent to serve her and ended up being killed by cowards in masks and Daario suggests they pull back to the pyramid district and clear-out the city block by block but Dany is going to go with rounding up the leaders of all the master family's and Hizzy is like "but... I'm the leader of my family" and the guards grab him to pull him away as be pleads that he had nothing to do with it lmao and then oh shit.... she takes all the family's down into the catacombs and they hear chains rattling and she orders them to walk into the darkness and they beg for mercy so the Unsullied poke them forwards and they start to hear... dragons growling... and she tells them in Valyrian "they'll eat you if I tell them to... maybe even if I don't" and talks about how the dragons are like her children that need discipline as if she's also talking about her citizens and she nods to have a bald man shoved forwards and he looks up from his knees to see something glowing in the darkness and ONE OF THE DRAGONS SPRAYS HIM WITH FIRE
and Dany edgily says "innocent? maybe some of you are, maybe none of you are, maybe... I should let the dragons decide" and strokes Hizzy's back sensually and he just says the "valia margulas" meme and closes his eyes ready to die but Dany just says in Englush sorry the common tongue "don't want to overfeed them... tomorrow perhaps"
wow good job murdering a man without trial I thought that was bad Dany you dumb thot and she just stands there watching emotionlessly as the dragons feast on this probably innocent man EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 98
then we see Sam reading a letter updating the blind maester guy on Dany's current situation and Aemon can't bear that his... niece? is all alone with him too far away to help as he's her only living relative and he says "Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing" yeah because they're all psychos everyone hates lmao and then Jon comes in and does the "leave us" meme to Sam who instantly leaves completely trusting Jon who sits down with Aemon and asks him how he feels and he jokes "oh like a hundred year old man slowly freezing to death" lmao and he asks him for advice on what to do about something that'll make half the men hate him and he instantly says "half the men already hate you, do it!" and empathetically touches his face so he can read his expression what with being blind and all and tells him he trusts him and that he'll find little joy in command and advises him to "kill the boy" and I thought he was talking about Olly for a second lol but he means the boy within Jon so he can "let the man be born" and learn to make tough decisions, then we cut to Jon talking to Tormund asking where the other free folk have gone and he implies they've dispersed back into their constitute tribes now Mance is dead and Jon suggests freeing him so he can take his place but Tormund still sees them as enemies but Jon tells him the free folk count as the realms of men under his protection now he's Lord Commander and promises to let his people south of the wall if they fight for him but Tormund claims they'd just "cut my guts from my belly and make me eat them" if he proposed that and Jon tries to guilt him into it for the sake of the non-combatant free folk which doesn't get a reaction so he just tries calling him a coward so Tormund stands up and mad dogs him saying "easy thing to say to a man in chains" so JON UNCHAINS TORMUND who stands there in disbelief trying to control himself from doing anything stupid and Jon just breaks down the situation that his people are gonna get hit by the White Walkers first so Tormund reveals where his people are and Jon promises him Stannis ship to evacuate them but Tormund insists he comes with him so his people believe him that it's not some sort of trap
then in the dining hall Jon's advisers are telling him fuck the Wildlings, if they die that's less of them to fight and the men cheer and Stannis can't help himself but say under his breath to himself "fewer" correcting the dudes grammer lmao in 2019 Stannis would be like my dad who spends all day on facebook correcting peoples spelling and Sam suggests letting them settle abandoned farm land but another man points out they're only abandoned because of fucking Wildling raids and points to Olly saying "they cut them down, just like they did to this boys people!" who looks down in grief as the men clamour to support him and Alliser agrees saying they've slaughtered their people for thousands of years and Jon says so have we but Jon's last friend stands up and says they killed Grenn and Pyp and 50 other brothers and Jon reminds him that if they abandon them they'll just join the army of the dead, which is a dumb fantasy concept but I guess could be read as your enemy converting others to their ideology like ISIS or something, and the men all start yelling angrily
then later Jon is in his office and Olly brings him some food and rushes to leave but Jon stops him and tells him to say what he wants to say to him and a nervous Olly begs him to say it's just a trick he's playing on the wildlings but when he says it's not he says "they burned down my village, they put an arrow through my father's head right in front of me, they butchered my mother, everyone I ever knew" and Jon walks up looks down compassionately at him and tells him he knows what it's like and it's hard for him but Winter is Coming™ and they can't face it alone and Olly looks down heartbroken that his hero has disappointed him and just asks "will there be anything else Lord Commander?" and Jon says no and lets him away with a sigh
then we see Pod with arms full of supplies coming into an Inn in a town that overlooks Winterfell that Brie is staring at anxiously thinking about what the Bolton's could be doing to Sansa right now and Pod adds at least she's far away from the Lannisters and back home but Brie points out the Bolton's killed her family too and then some serf looking guy with one of those serf hats comes limping in and gives them a clean chamberpot and Brie thanks him and asks how long he's stayed there and this oddly hansom old man who kinda looks like Jorah says he knew Ned and his father and Brie can tell he's loyal to the Starks so asks him if he can get a message to Sansa and tells him of her oath but the old man's not buying it until Brie walks up to him and tells him "I serve Lady Caitlyn and I serve her still... who do you serve?" convincing him of her conviction
then we see Myranda staring out a window probably at Sansa when Ramsay orders her back to bed but she starts whining about how he said he'd marry her and Ramsay explains that that was when he was a Snow and talks some bullshit about how now he's a Bolton "what I want is no longer a primary consideration... I'm furthering a dynasty" but Myranda's not buying it and asks "do you think she's pretty?" and Ramsay admits "of course I do, I'm not blind" but his negging doesn't work so he walks up and grabs her from behind and starts groping her and tells her "you think she's pretty too, I'm looking forward to our wedding night but don't worry I'll have plenty time for you" knowing she's just insecure about not getting attention from him but Myranda's not falling for this either and teases "perhaps I'll marry to" and being talked back to sparks Ramsay's true nature and he mocks her for being the kennel masters daughter who could only marry a stable masters son and she gets triggered and tries to slap him but Ramsay grabs her wrists and pins them up against the wall and threatens her "you're mine, you're not going anywhere, unless I have to listen to more of your jealousy, jealousy bores me, you remember what happens to people who bore me? you're not going to bore me are you Myranda?" and she's oddly reasured by him wanting to still be entertained by her so they kiss and MYRANDA BITES RAMSAY'S LIP and he reacts with shock that someone would dare hurt him and she tells him lovingly "never" and he grins manically that this woman's so enthralled by him and he turns her around and starts fucking her and kissing her neck as she looks out the window satisfied she can keep her man from some young thot, also let me just say that to the limited extent I actually care about this sort of thing I like Myranda's bodytype with her ribs showing and hips jutting out lmao not to condone anorexia or anything but that's what I get for growing up fapping to creepy-chan
then in Sansa's room and old lady comes claiming to be there to clean her wash basin but then as soon as she's inside whispers "you still have friends in the North, if you're ever in trouble light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower" and when Sansa asks "but who" the woman just says "you're not alone" with Brie probably smart enough to not tell that old guy to even tell the old woman who's sending the message so there's at least two people to get through to get to her and then Sansa looks up at the old broken tower that Bran fell out of tempted to tap out now that she has the option but then uh oh Myranda comes up and awkwardly makes small talk about her dress and introduces herself as if she's just some shy girl and then creepily inspects the stitching on Sansa's dress as if she has some fucked up version of jealous lust for Sansa where she wishes she was her just because she's married to Ramsay like some single white female shit and tries to fuck with Sansa's head that since her mother taught her how to stitch now she can remember her whenever she wears something she made, trying to spoil something Sansa's proud of by associating it with her painful memories of her mother's death, but Sansa just says "I'd rather have a mother" and Myranda keeps prying trying to get under her skin and when it's not working she plays her trump card and offers to show her something else to remember and opens the gates to the dog kennels and Sansa can sense there's some bullshiiiiiiit about but Myranda promises she'll be safe and Sansa nervously walks past all the dogs jumping up banging on their cage doors and she looks back to see Myranda gone but the gate thankfully left open until she gets to the end and sees... a human figure curled up in the corner of the last cage and when a dog bangs against its door REEK WAKES UP WITH A START and Sansa realizes "Theon" but Reek shakes his head refusing to be called that name but after his mission to retake that castle he's become some fucked up combination of more steadfast to be Reek to avoid the stress of temptation or realized for his own sake and now hers he needs to keep Theon from resurfacing almost like Reek is protecting Theon and tells her with more confidence and less shaking than usual "you shouldn't be here" and curls up in the corner and Sansa storms out in rage at how they've clearly been torturing her adoptive brother or whatever their relation would be and I'm not sure if she even heard the fake news about Theon killing her little brothers and then later Reek is dressing Ramsay who says "you smell particularly rrrripe this evening" and Reek just stands there shamefully and Ramsay orders him expectantly "pour me some wine" and studies him as he does so noticing that he's not as attentive as usual predicting all his desires to fulfil them to avoid his wrath and he asks "do you have something to tell me?" and Reek makes sure to pathetically say "no my lord" but Ramsay insists "Reek...." and Reek confesses "she saw me... Sansa, Lady Sansa, she came to the kennel, I'm sorry master, forgive me I didn't think" and Ramsay tells him "come here" and Reek staggers over terrified and Ramsay puts his hand under his chin and tells him "you mustn't keep secrets from me" and... orders Reek to his knees... but instead of facefucking him he orders "give me your hand" and Reek apprehensively puts up his right hand that's already missing it's pinky finger and Ramsay gives a little smile as he considers what he could do to Reek but then places his hand over his and says "I forgive you" and Reek stops shaking in fear and looks up blankly as if he's even more motivated now to only focus on serving him and Ramsay looks down satisfied
then at an dinner with the in-laws a goofily grinning Ramsay is pouring his wife to be and his step-mother wine and gives a dumb toast about how all northerners share blood ties and Roose looks at him sceptically as he wonders why his psycho son is trying so hard to seem jovial and the dumb fat woman gives Sansa her condolences for being in a strange place but Sansa corrects her "this is my home, it's the people that are strange" and Ramsay jokes "yes, very strange" and yells "more wine please!" knowing who has to deliver it... Reek shuffling over on his probably mutilated feet to top up his drink and the smug Ramsay prattles on about how this is a fitting place for their reunion and I guess Sansa did hear the news as Ramsay gleefully prods at that wound asking "are you still mad at him after he..." and Sansa, used to a fiance emotionally abusing her after being promised to Joffrey for so many years, just doesn't give a reaction which super winds up Ramsay but he composes himself and keeps prodding "after what he did, don't worry, The North remembers" trying to make her feel complacent in Reek's enslavement as if it was done out of revenge for her family and as Reek pours his step-mother wine she leans super far away from him as he stinks and is just an awkward person to be around and Ramsay claims "I punished him for it, he's not Ironborn anymore... not Theon Grejoy anymore, he's a new man! a new person anyway hehehe, aren't you Reek?!" and when Reek instantly says "yes master" Ramsay explains "that's his new name: Reek" Sansa asks "why are you doing this?" and Ramsay grins and says "because Reek has something to say to you, don't you Reek?" and when Reek just stands there Ramsay gestures for him to come over and reminds him "an apology" and as Reek just stands there the fat mother in law sits there super uncomfortable and Roose stares at his son as if he's out of his fucking mind but he can't say anything about his only heir and Ramsay looks at Reek like you better fucking do it don't embarrass me in front of everyone as he orders "apologize to Lady Sansa for what you did... apologize for murdering her two brothers" even though he knows full well that he didn't do it and Sansa glares at Reek as she still believes it oh my god this fucking burned farmboys storyline is still going
and Reek pathetically says "I'm sorry" as he looks at the ground but Ramsay insists "look at her Reek, an apology doesn't mean anything if you're not looking the person in the eye" and Reek struggles to do so, not used to looking anyone in the eye, and mumbles "I'm sorry" and Ramsay can't get enough and asks "sorry about what?" as Reek finishes "killing your brothers" and Ramsay looks mischievously over at Sansa to read her expression but Sansa has realized Theon ain't fucking home anymore at this stage and is more mad at Ramsay for fucking with her and Reek looks down humiliated and his father and step-mother sit there trying not to cringe and Ramsay suddenly perks up and announces "there! over and done with! doesn't everyone feel better? that was getting very... tense!" as everyone sighs in awkward relief but then Ramsay keeps pushing "you know my lady, what with him having murdered your brothers and... the rest of your family gone, Reek here is the nearest thing to living kin that you have left!" as if's some fun trivia and Ramsay announces "REEK! YOU WILL GIVE AWAY THE BRIDE! someone has to, what better person? good? good?" as Sansa sits there fuming and Roose can't take this fucking autism anymore and drones "yes yes very good" and Ramsay delcares "wonderful!" super satisfied that he came up with a new way to degrade both of them and Roose gives him a condescending smile like he's forcing himself not to disown him and smugly announces he has something to tell them and his fat wife tells them "we're going to have a baby" and Ramsay's face freezes and Sansa notices something finally getting to him and smiles and says "I'm happy for you" and Roose happily tells his bastard freak son "from the way she's carrying Maester Wolkan says it looks like a boy" and Ramsay just forces himself to drink his wine as he sits there fuming now with Sansa looking over smugly at him
then at night Roose is looking over a map of the territories they control as Ramsay starts shitposting "how can you tell? that she's pregnant... I mean... how can you tell?" and makes hand motions to indicate how obese his step-mother is lmao
and Roose coldly says he's been assured beyond all doubt clearly not giving a fuck about his wife and Ramsay keeps pushing "so how did you manage it? getting her pregnant? how did you... find it?" trying to do the same shit that Tyrion used to do to Tywin and Roose, not offended but just disappointed, tells him "you disgraced yourself at dinner, parading that creature before the Stark girl" and when Ramsay whines "what if it's a boy?" Roose chuckles and calls him out "you're worried about your position" and Ramsay insists "my position is quite clear, I'm you're son.... until a better alternative comes along!" and downs his wine and storms off to refill it and Roose can tell he's about to do a school shooting or some shit so starts fucking with him saying "you've never asked about your mother" and Ramsay pretends not to care saying "she had me, she died, and here we are" but Roose tells her she was some peasant girl he fancies and when she married without telling him "I had him hanged and I took her beneath the tree where he was swaying, she fought me the whole time, she was lucky I didn't hang her too" smiling as he tells his son he was conceived from rapeEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 99 and Ramsay looks confused not knowing what to make of this as Roose says when she came to him with him as a baby he almost had her whipped and him thrown on the river but he could tell from looking at him "you are my son" and Ramsay looks around in awkward disbelief not sure what to make of his father accepting him and if he can trust it or not but before he can say anything Roose moves onto talking about how they need to defend against Stannis and asks for his help defeating him and a now determined Ramsay says firmly "yes" as he's some fucked up combination of degraded and reassured by his fathers confession just like what he was doing to Myranda, oh yes and ROOSE BOLTON +1 RAMSAY'S MOTHER (RAPED UNDER HER LYNCHED LOVER)
then in Castle Black Gilly is asking Sam if the library has every book there is as she's just le simple country bumpkin and he tells her about the Citadel's huge library in Oldtown but she has no idea what he's talking about and says "sorry I don't know things" and he erasures her she knows loads of things he doesn't know and tells her about how he used to want to be a maester but somehow ended up there with the upside being he met her and then Stannis barges in and Gilly gets scared and runs off and Stannis actually recognizes Sam as the son of the man who defeated Robert at the only battle he ever lost and Sam stands there super awkward as if he thinks Stannis might stab him in revenge or some shit but he just talks shit about how his brother never listened to his tactical advice and tells Sam "you don't look like a soldier, but I'm told you killed a White Walker, how?" and Sam tells him about the dragonglass dagger and that all he's been able to find in the archives is the children of the forest used to hunt with it and Stannis walks up to him and says the Red Lady warned him about them and Sam gets scared and tells him he's seen the army of the dead and Stannis tells him to keep reading so they know how to beat them and walks off like a weird autist
and we see Stannis visiting Davos who's carving something for his daughter and he tells him "it's time" but Davos says they should wait to see if Jon brings over the wildlings but Stannis says they're ready now and they can't wait in case winter starts at any moment, since they really don't want to be stuck up there during winter, and Davos says he'll leave behind some men to guard the queen and princess, but Stannis smiles and says "no need they're coming with us" like it's no issue and Davos advises against it but Stannis points out "half these Watchmen are killers and rapists" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT HAPPENED TO LE EBIN FANTASY TERM "RAPERS"? IT'S RAPISTS NOW? PLOT HOOOOOLE!!! maybe Stannis picked up another dialect but they call them that down south too and as Stannis walks off Davos looks over at the Red Lady knowing she's probably behind this and is scared she's up to some bullshit
then the next morning Gilly, Sam and baby Sam are watching Stannis men get all togged up and ready to leave as Shireen asks Davos if she'll be allowed down into the crypt in Winterfell getting excited for the battle and he assure her she'll be no where near it but the queen comes up and bitchily tells him to stop scaring her child with talk of battle just hating that her daughter has a relationship with her fathers friend rather than her and when Shireen claims "I'm not scared" Davos jokes "well I am, when the battle comes promise you'll protect me?" and Shireen smiles "I promise" and Sam and Gilly wave goodbye to her but she sees her mother is watching and can't wave back and then Jon catches Stannis on his way out warns him about the wildlings and Jon promises he'll get his ships back and thanks him sincerely for his help (I still don't get how Stanins turned up in time, how did he know they were attacking? I guess it really was le ebin convenience he turned up just in the nick of time to save The Wall, shit writing tbh) and then everyone gives each other furtive looks as Stannis army pulls out
then in Meereen Grey Worm wakes up with a start and Missy tells him he's ben out for three days and just shakes her head sadly when he asks for Ser Barrister and he immediately starts blaming himself and Missy tries to reassure him he fought bravely and starts speaking in English that he was ambushed and there's no shame in that but Grey Worm says he's not ashamed for being wounded but because he was scared and Missy assures him "all men fear death" but Grey Worm admits "no not death, I fear I never again see Missandei from the Island of Naath" awwwwwwwww and she starts crying at the sentiment but coming from a man she can never have a family with or maybe even a proper relationship with he's so fucked up and damaged but she figures fuck it she's not perfect either and MISSY KISSES GREY WORM!and if Ramsay's theory about the phantom penis is right he'll probably know right now
and later she talks to Dany who says the edgy sentiment "if I give everyone what they deserve I'll have no one left to rule" and laments how Barry was the one counseling mercy, Daario says kill em all and she asks Missy what she thinks and can't believe she says she's not fit to give an opinion and insists she give it and Missy says she sees her weigh the choices her counsellors give her but also ignore them when only she can see the better choice and Dany gets thinking about what's something she could do no one else would think of so she goes down into the dungeons and sees Hizzy who gets on his knees and begs explaining he was only brave in the moment to not die a coward but still wants to live and she compliments "it takes courage to admit fear... and to a mistake" and admits to him that she was wrong and he was right about tradition bringing the people together and agrees to reopen the fighting pit but only for free men WE ANCAPISTAN NOW BOIS, KILL EACH OTHER ALL YOU WANT IF YOU CONSENT TO IT and she also says she'll marry the head of a powerful family to better show ties to the city and drops "thankfully a suiter is already on his knees" which would be ebin except 1) it's not shown in this universe that a man gets on his knees to propose and 2) bit weird and rapey since what's this guy going to say? no and get fed to a fucking dragon for not abiding by her terms?
then on Jorah's boat Tyrion is shivering in cold and pain and starts annoying Jorah again who just stands there guiding the boat in silence so Tyrion tries to apologize for talking so much shit to no response so tries asking for wine again but Jorah just grumbles "no wine" and Tyrion reveals that's the real reason he's shaking lmao and comes close to begging for wine as he's in withdrawal but then Jorah stands up seeing something and Tyrion looks off seeing "Valyria" some old ass looking city hidden in mist uh oh isn't this where the "stone men" live? uh oooh and Tyrion warns "you know what they say, The Doom still reigns in Valyria, what about the demons and the flames? aren't you afraid?" and Jorah says "no, but pirates are" explaining why he's taking this route so they don't get ye olde sea mugged and then sailing down what Tyrion calls "the Smoking Sea" from the mist rising off of it they pass some old ass looking aztec temples that are all worn away by the weather and covered in trees and vines and Tyrion talks about how the Valyrian were the best in the world at almost everything so they're a sort of fallen civilization atlantis thing and he repeats a poem about what sounds like a volcano eruption which I guess is what lead to the myths about demons still ruling thee and I guess this makes this place also has a Pompeii thing going on (I remember reading some graffiti that was preserved in pompeii and it was startlingly relatable upon translation, literally people shitposting about Athenians being boyfuckers, cursing the homeless who keep shitting beside a mans house, graffiti claiming to be famous people having shit there, two men boasting about how many women they fucked, people ordering their enemies to hang themselves, a man delcaring he's giving up women and going gay, gossiping about who's husbands are having affairs with which barmaids, a warning outside a brothel saying "the one who buggers a fire burns his penis" and even a post decrying the tedious nature of the other graffiti around it, really no different from modern day online shitposting but 2000 years ago)
and Jorah gives him a smile as he finishes the song and Tyrion memes "I would clap but..." showing him his hands and then his face drops as he looks up and sees DANY'S BLACK DRAGON FLYING OVER HEAD and he stands up gawping at it in amazement and Jorah just looks at it like yep welcome to Essos bitch as this sad music plays as if Tyrion's cynicism is starting to crack as he sees something truly wonderful and undeniably greater than him for the first time almost like a religious moment
but from behind Tyrion a... large oddly colored human figure jumps into the water and they whip around and he asks "what was that?" as A GASPING GREY FIGURE JUMPS ON THE BOAT FROM A BRIDGE AND JORAH YELLS "STONE MEN! DON'T LET THEM TOUCH YOU!"
AS HE WHACKS HIM WITH AN OAR AND THE STONE MAN GRABS IT AND STARTS SWIPING AT HIM AS ANOTHER CLIMBS ONTO THE BOAT AND TYRION GRABS A FISHING CAGE TO KEEP IT BETWEEN THEM AS JORAH STRUGGLES TO PUSH HIS GUY INTO THE WATER AND HE PULLS TYRION OUT THE WAY WHO YELLS FOR HIM TO CUT HIM FREE BUT HE'S TOO BUSY SHOVING THE SECOND ONE ONBOARD AND WHEN A THIRD CLIMBS UP
TYRION SCRAMBLES MADLY TO GET HIS TINY LEGS OVER THE BENCH AND JORAH SHOVES IT OVERBOARD BUT A FOURTH LANDS ON THE BOAT AND JORAH DRAWS HIS SWORD AND SLASHES AND RAMS IT THROUGH
BUT A FIFTH IS CRAWLING AT TYRION WHO CRIES FOR HELP AND HE HAS TO DIVE IN THE WATER TO AVOID IT AND SCRAMBLES TO GET HIS ROPES LOOSE BUT A STONE MAN GRABS HIM FROM BENEATH THE WATER AND STARTS PULLING HIM UNDER
aaaaaaaaand the screen just goes black....... and then we see Tyrion's POV as he wakes up to Jorah trying to see if he's alive on a beach and he finally cuts him lose as he complains "you're heavier than you look... did any of them touch you?" and Tyrion lies asking "you?" or maybe grabbing a boot under water is safe enough and Jorah shakes his head and Tyrion cant believe it "I've sen greyscale before... but nothing like that" and Jorah notes "I suppose that's why they send them there" I suppose this is a metaphor for leper colonies and how people were terrified to go near them not understanding wtf is going on (although depicting the characters inspired by how unfortunately people with leprosy were treated historically as mindless violent monsters is maybe not the best approach lmao) and Tyrion says "it would be kinder to put daggers in their heart and be done with it.... thank you for saving me... of coruse I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't have kidnapped me in the first place!" and Jorah tells him they need to walk now and if they don't find a new boat it'll be a long walk, ebin time to waste 5 episodes until they meet Dany, and Jorah looks out at this lost city infested by these freaks and he looks scared as he looks down at his wrist to reveal JORAH HAS BEEN INFECTED BY THE GREYSCALE and some crazy Predator-style furious jungle battle music plays over the credits, ok this is pretty dumb since it's like a fantasy disease we know there's a cure for from Shireen so it's just a waiting game to see if Jorah ends up with Stannis or the Red Lady or whatever although I haven't been spoiled as to Jorah's fate so maybe he ends up sacrificing himself as he's got a death sentence anyway or something
Game of Thrones 5x06: "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken" the sand sluts special edition
First aired: May 17, 2015
we open on Arya cleaning the body of another suicide victim and carefully clipping his fingernails and we see another one where she's cleaning someones hair and another one where she's putting a sheet over an old woman and then another and another as this becomes her daily routine but she still doesn't know where the other assistants take them away to after they're cleaned up uuugghhhh I can already guess it's to harvest their faces for disguises just it's so obvious we already know these guys can shapeshift uuuuuugggghhhh and Arya demands to know from the bitchy girl what's going on but she tells her it's not time yet and when Arya demands to play "the game of faces" the girl asks "who are you?" and Arya answers "no one" but that's not the right response so she asks the girl "who are you then?" and the girl says "I'm from Westeros, just like you, daughter of a lord, just like you" and I thought she was going to start imitating her voice or something to show the point is to take on someone else's identity but she starts telling her own sob story about being a single child but her step-mother tried to poison her so she got the faceless men to kill her and in gratitude she serves them now and Arya smiles at meeting another girl who takes revenge on those who wrong her but the girl walks up and robotically asks "was that a lie or the truth? did you believe every word I said?" and Arya realizes she was just fucking with her, probably starting it off similar to her so she'd relate to her at the start and believe the following made up bullshit, and then as Arya sleeps she hears Jaqen saying "who are you?" and wakes up to find him really there asking the question and she just tells him her real doxx not getting the point of all this so Jaqen whips her with a cane and tells her "a lie" but Arya keeps telling him the truth of her origin story and he whips her again saying "a lie" but she keeps telling him about how she left The Hound to suffer because she hated him and he keeps furiously whipping her and she demands "that's not a lie!" and he says "a girl lies to me, to the many faced gods, to herself, does she truly want to be no one?" and Arya answers "yes" and he canes her so hard she falls over and Arya screams at him "I'm not playing this stupid game anymore!" (me when I got tired of getting stuck in doorways in PUBG) but he says "we never stop playing" I guess the point of that is that our identities are basically just stories, or lies, that we tell ourselves, and the truth is there's not really any difference between other people, and once the people training to be the faceless men accept that they can freely tell themselves whatever story is needed to become at least a partially different person to take on a new identity to do undercover missions they'll never slip up on, kind of like a consensual version of what Ramsay did to Reek, which is uh dumb since people's brains literally become physiologically different from their experiences, genes and prolonged ways of thinking and even if they totally took on another persona then they'd uhhh forget they're on a mission to kill someone lul but an ok attempt at some deep theme on the human condition as self-narrative
speaking of dumb themes we see Jorah staring anxiously as the gradually worsening greyscale on his wrist and biting his lower lip nervously as Tyrion starts nagging him about finding a village but Jorah claims he can live on berries and roots as long as he wants and Tyrion starts yelling at him about how uncharming he is and Jorah just cringes "do you ever shut up?" and Tyrion tells him he hid in a crate without a word all the way here and he realizes Jorah never even asked why he was there and reveals "I killed my father, he wanted to kill me for a crime I didn't commit... and he was fucking the woman I loved" and Jorah looks at him even more awkwardly than normal and then Tyrion tells him at least his father was a good man and talks about how he met him at The Wall and all the men only had good stories about him WAIT A MINUTE LORD COMMANDER MORMONT IS JORAH'S FATHER? uh ok and then Tyrion seems to genuinely drop the news that they said "we'll never see his kind again" and Jorahs jaw drops as he stares out to sea and Tyrion apologizes for letting him know like that and Jorah demands to know how and Tyrion tells him the news he somehow knows of his father dying in a mutiny and Jorah's face drops as he learns that but then nods knowing there's nothing he can do about it out there, I guess Aemon does send crows back and fourth to the outside world a lot so that's how Tyrion knows
then Arya is scrubbing the floors when she hears coughing and sees a man..... bringing his little girl, who's sick, to the well.... and he goes over to Arya they say the meme phrases to each other and the man explains sadly he's out of options to end his daughters constant suffering and Arya just looks around super awkward seeing if there's anyone else to help so brings herself to stand goes over to the girl who cries "it hurts" and Arya smiles and says "don't be afraid, I used to be like you, I was sick, I was dying, but my father... never gave up on me... he loved me... more than anything in the world just like your father loved you so he brought me here, my father prayed to the many faced god, and I drank the water from this fountain, it healed me" and she takes the water in the cup (better watch you don't get it on your fingers lol) and she says "I dedicated my life to him now, I don't hurt anymore, drink" and offers it to the girl who sips it down as her father watches on silently and so does Jaqen, I guess this is her realizing she needs to learn to lie but is starting off using it for a nice cause of making sure this little girl dies feeling hopeful and loved, that was a pretty good scene bravo, and then later Arya has the little girls dead body to clean as Jaqen appears in the doorway looking weird and slinks away and Arya looks around confused to see he's seemingly letting her go to see where they take the bodies so she follows him down into some catacombs into a room to find THOUSANDS OF PRESERVED HUMAN FACES FROM THE MERCY KILLINGS all stored in alcoves along the great big walls and great big pillars, I'd ask how the fuck they do this but whatever it's le magic bitch, and Arya stares around in wonder as Jaqen asks if she's ready to give up everything that makes her her forever and notices her child-like fascination and sees "no, a girl is not ready to become no one... but she's ready to become someone else" as Arya stares at the face of an old lady, I'm sensing a theme here of the sort of ego death experience that a lot of spiritual paths involve where you surrender your sense of self to advance to some greater understanding except that's usually enlightenment or greater faith or peace not fucking stabbing people for money lmao
then on the road Tyrion is grilling Jorah about why he's so dedicated to Dany and he asks if he has a god or believes in destiny and Tyrion admits "no" and Jorah confesses he used to be a cynic like him until he saw Dany survive that funeral pyre holding baby dragons and tells him "you ever hear baby dragons singing? it's hard to be a cynic after that" which would be a deep theme of love as religious faith but in this world Dany really does have supernatural powers and it really is understandable to want to follow her as she's clearly got an advantage over any other leader so nice dumb fantasy universe GRRM and Tyrion warns him the Targs are infamously insane and games out that even if his dreams come true Dany has never been to Westeros in her adult life and is the daughter of a Mad King who burned innocents for amusement but before Jorah can reply he notices a slave ship and grabs Tyrion behind a rock and says "they probably came ashore for" and suddenly THEY'RE SURROUNDED BY SLAVERS DRAWING SWORDS and their leader finishes "water" ok fucking retarded, how did these six guys just teleport out of nowhere around them?
then we cut to them beating up Jorah and oh shiiit IT'S MR. EKO FROM LOST!!!!!aka Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje which I've never heard anyone pronounce right in an interview and fans just call him AAA to not have to lear how to spell his name lmao, I guess he's Tripple A like how I called the last black character Tripple X and they discuss where to sell their new slaves to deciding Jorah could go to the salt mines but Tyrion is "worthless" and they'll just "cut his throat" and Tyrion starts hollering "wait wait wait wait wait lets discuss this" ready to try to talk his way out of it but Mr. Eko adds "then chop off his cock, we'll sell it for a fortune, a dwarf's cock has magic powers" and a horrified Tyrion goes "wait wait wait wait wait" and as the blade goes to his throat his mind goes into overdrive and he blurts out "you can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it! he has to know it came from a dwarf! and how will he know unless he sees the dwarf?" but the man with the blade to him yells "it will be a dwarf-sized cock" and Tyrion defiantly tells him "guess again!" and Mr. Eko is impressed by his vigor for life and decides "the dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant" I'd say this was retarded but in real life humans hunt entire species of animal to exctinction to harvest a body part braindead insecure ratards think will make their cock grow bigger and this is in a world without real supernatural things and they tied Tyrion back up and also Jorah who tells them "Queen Daenerys has outlawed slavery" and Mr. Eko tells him "we're bound for Volantis not Slaver's Bay, besides, she reopened the fighting pits, I've never heard of free men fighting in the pits" and Tyrion bargains with him that Jorah is one of the greatest warriors of Westeros and he could get rich taking him to Meereen but he just chuckles and says he looks 60 years old lmaooooo but Tyrion insists he's a war hero with songs written about him and he asks Jorah "that true?" and Jorah just begrudgingly shakes his head and Tyrion starts bigging him up saying he won a tournament against Jaime but Mr. Eko isn't impressed by jousting and Jorah sneers "I've killed a Dothraki death rider in single combat" much to Tyrion's relief that he's finally playing along and Mr. Eko hops out the boat and walks up to Jorah to stare him in the eye and calls "Liar" but Jorah explains who it was and dares him to take him to the fighting pits and Mr. Eko laughs as they've successfully convinced him to spare them
then in King's Landing we see CIA is back home with two bodyguards looking around awkwardly at all the sparrows and Lancel catches up with him and tells him he's given up his family name to "flood the gutters with wine, smash the false idols and set the godless on the run" and CIA can tell he's next so nervously says "well done" and goes to leave but Lancel puts his hand on his shoulder so CIA just threatens to tell Cersei he made him late and his guards put their hands on their swords as sparrows surround them and Lancel warns "step carefully Lord Baelish, you'll find there's little tolerance for flesh paddlers in the new King's Landing" and CIA gives him the "that smile white people give you when they walk past you on the street" and fires back "we both peddle fantasies Brother Lancel... mine just happen to be entertaining" and walks off trying to look hard
and in Cersei's office CIA asks if it was wise to arrest Loras but Cersei hands the blame off to The Faith but CIA knows it was on her orders and she claims it was the kings and he warns house Tyrell wont tolerate it and Cersei smirks and tells an obvious lie she doesn't even try to sell "I'm the insulted party, Ser Loras was promised to me, instead he chose the company of boys" knowing all that matters is what the public is told and CIA fires back with a huge goofy smile "one's choice of companion is a curious thing" and her face freezes and she whispers "most curious" and CIA freezes up realizing he stepped on the lions tale as it were and Cersei adds "Lysa Arryn woman for instance, a thoroughly replant woman... forgive me... you're still in mourning" smiling at him knowing he probably killed her and CIA bullshits about how she was a kind woman but Cersei calls him out but adds "still I pity her son" which is maybe true as she has a soft spot for kids but adds sarcastically she's glad he has a new father and CIA says some shit about knowing what it's like to lose your parents as a boy, he probably fucking killed them himself, but Cersei cuts him off demanding to know if the Vale that he now controls will fight for Westeros and CIA says seriously without a smirk for once realizing he's got his head in the lions mouth now that he's always told Robin to be loyal to the throne and Cersei looks satisfied she's got him cowed and CIA tells her that he's ashamed he failed to find Arya but... "I HAVE FOUND SANSA STARK alive and well and home again" and Cersei perks up because she always hated her but also thinks she helped Tyrion kill her son and he tells her of the marriage as if he didn't set it up himself and he adds Ramsay was legitimized by act of Tommen so I guess Roose's paper was not just signed by him but a letter from Tommen who's the only person who can make a bastard legally legitimate and Cersei can't believe Roose would betray their family after Tywin made him Warden of the North but CIA points out "a title he earned by stabbing his king in the heart" and warns that he now has more legitimacy to the northerners than any alliance with them ever did and Cersei declares "I will skin him and his bastard like that wretch on their bloody sigil!" and CIA tries to councel patience in simply letting Roose and Stannis battle it out and take Winterfell from whichever thief survives as soon as possible but Cersei points out that her uncle Kevan "has the courage of a kitchen mouse" and Jaime is AFK, two things CIA probably knows too well, and suggests his own forces, but Cersei whispers to him that his reputation is of a moneylender and a brothel keeper, not a military man, and he convinces her she wouldn't be risking a single Lannister soldier or a single coin from the royal treasury "what do you have to lose? a brothel keeper?" and he bargains that if he succeeds then he gets to be Warden of the North and she agrees to it as long as she gets to see Sansa Stark's head on a pike uh oooooh and CIA says coldly "as I said..... I live to serve" so that's CIA's goal, if he gets this plan working he'll have control of the Vale and the North which is bigger than any of the other kingdoms so then it's just 2 down 7 to go once he controls the most soldiers although you'd think Roose would be smart enough to figure out CIA is only doing this to turn Cersei against him but I guess he doesn't give a fuck about her and is sure his people can secure the North also it'd be dank if it turned out CIA made sure Stannis got his loan from (((The Iron Bank))) and gave him a clue that he needed to get to The Wall in time so he'd be in play to come down from the north to attack Roose but it just seems like le ebin coincidence so far
then we see Marcella having a flower put in his hair by the prince who says he'll ask his father for permission to marry her tomorrow and she wants to know if it's just a political thing but he kisses her to shut her up, so it probably is, but she tells him they can't be intimate yet, but that's not hoe they do it in Dorne, and this pretty boy assures her it's ok and dodges a question about how many other women he's taken through these gardens, and onlooking them from his wheelchair Doran is telling his big black bodyguard they need to protect them as their relationship is so dangerous and he assures him he remembers how to use his axe, then we cut to Jaime and Bronn having taken the guards outfits and horse and he's pissing Jaime off by singing a song about a Dornish man's wife and he tells him to shut up before someone hears his accent and they finally get to the watergardens and Bronn asks what the exfil plan is and Jaime says he likes to improvise and Bronn quips "that explains the golden hand" as they ride into the city, then we see uhhh whats her name uhhhhh I think I called her Elly? she's having a secret meeting with three of le Sand Snakes she bigs up with some gay saying and they all say "for Oberyn" and put their burqas up to go off to fuck up the princess and in a very fucking dumb and contrived scene by sheer coincidence both Bronn & Jaimie and the three Sand Snakes are literally searching the same garden at the same time for Myrcella and the boys find her first catching her making out and he tries to bring her away but Trystane, lol Tristin is the most white trash name out there... other than maybe cody
introduces himself as her promised and Jaime not being able to be as protective as he'd probably like to as he's just her uncle to the outside world shakes his hand, with his left hand awkwardly shaking his right lol, and Bronn does the "leave us" meme to Trystane and when he notices him noticing the blood stains on their costumes he warns him "let's not do something stupid" and mad dogs him TRYSTANE IS ALPHA AF AND DRAWS HIS SWORD BUT BRONN LUMPS HIM OUT and tells him "that was something stupid" and Jaime grabs the upset Myrcella's wrist but THE SAND SNAKES' WHIP WRAPS AROUND JAIME'S WRIST
AND PULLS HIM AWAY AND BRONN SIGHS "OH FOR FOOK'S SAKE" AS ONE OF THEM CHARGES HIM WITH TWIN DAGGERS AS THE ASIAN ONE WHIPS HER WHIP AT HIM AND OBARA STARTS SPINNING HER SPEAR AT JAIME WHO DRAWS HIS SWORD AND BACKS THE FUCK UP
AND BRONN GETS THE WHIP WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEST AND SWINGS WILDLY AT BOTH GIRLS FIGHTING HIM PULLING THE WHIP TO PULL THE DUMB BITCH HOLDING IT TOWARDS HIM TO SWING AT HER AS JAIME STAGGERS BACKWARDS BLOCKING OBARA'S SPEAR WITH HIS SWORD AND METAL HAND HE'S REALIZED HE CAN USE TO FIGHT WITH AND BRONN MANAGES GET ONE OF THE KNIFES OFF ONE OF THE GIRLS AND KICK HER BACK BUT SHE JUST FLIPS BACK UP ONTO HER FEET
AND HER SISTER SNARES BRONN AGAIN WITH THE WHIP AND PULLS HIS SWORD AWAY AND HE GRABS IT BACK UP AND STEPS ON HER WHIP TO SWING AT HER AND THE OTHER GIRL GETS HER DAGGER BACK AND SLASHES AT HIM AND HE JUST SWORDBUTTS HER IN THE FACE AND OBARA SCREAMS "TAKE HER!" AND THE WHIPGIRL GRABS MYRCELLA PULLING A KNIFE ON HER WHEN SHE REFUSES
AND JAIME SEES HIS DAUGHTER BEING TAKEN AWAY SO HE STARTS BLOCKING HER SPEAR FASTER AND FASTER GETTING CLOSER TO HER AND BRONN TAKES A CUT TO THE ARM WHEN SUDDENLY THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD SHOWS UP WITH DORNISH SOLDIERS TO STOP THE FIGHTING ARRESTING ALL FIVE OF THEM
and Obara angrily introduces herself insisting she's fighting for dorn but the bodyguard aint listening and the proud Obara nods to her sisters to drop their weapons and the Sand Snake holding Myrcella drops her knives to, who I think is her uhh.... soon-to-be cousin-in-law? and the bodyguard puts his axe staff weapon to Jaime's neck and states "when you were whole it would have been a good fight" and Jaime can't think of anything to say for once so just drops his sword and Bronn drops his and swaggers up to the girl with the daggers and taunts "you fight pretty good for a little girl" and the guards have to separate them as she starts screaming and throwing herself at him lmao and I guess it's pretty obvious who's behind it because guards rush in to arrest Elly, alright uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that fight scene was fucking appalling lmao, everyone was just impotently swinging at each other clearly too far away to hit each other and with the two girls Bronn was fighting particularly bad and just standing there stiff and awkward with people dropping swords and then magically having them next shot, the point of le 2 fast 4 u grrrl power assassins is they flip around and use their flexible exotic acrobatic skills to beat stronger men but they can't even get that dumb trope right, at least cast some good stunt women to be dancing about all over the place overwhelming the boys, they even have the excuse of having the (very bad) actresses faces covered to switch them out, but that was just cringy Xena Warrior Princess shit
then outside King's Landing, which is relatively small compared to the city states in Essos, Lady Tyrell's carriage is driving up and she opens up the window and cries "oh, you can smell the shit from five miles away!" lmaooooo yall niggas need to invent a proper sewer system
and then she's assuring Margaery they have no evidence against Loras and insists "if they arrested all the pillow biters in King's Landing there'd be no room left in the dungeons for anyone else!" I guess being gay is actually illegal here? or it works by the crown can arrest whoever they like and the sparrows have the crowns permission to do whatever they want including enact their homophobic policies (that we're only hearing about now since their religion is extremely underwritten and barely coherent) and she points out the hypocrisy that Renly Baratheon shagged half the stable boys in the seven kingdoms, everyone knew, no one cared and she points out "he was the king's brother" and she snaps back "and Loras is the queen's brother, no no no this is unacceptable" and she already knows it's Cersei up to it and tells her "get some rest you look appalling and let me deal with Cersei Lannister" and then as if the editor is getting bored with the episode we already cut to Cersei writing at her desk as she's finishing the line and we see granny Tyrell impatiently tapping her armrest waiting for Cersei to be done, now doing the thing her father used to do, sit there ignoring her while writing letters and Lady Tyrell calls her out "put the pen down dear we both know you're not writing anything" UH EXCUSE ME BUT THAT'S NOT A PEN, IT'S A QUILL, ANOTHER WRITING MISTAKE, GOTCHA and Cersei fires back "ah yes the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns" finding less and less reasons to respect the Tyrells as she's avoided Mace getting her into anymore debt with them and hoping to get an extension from (((The Iron Bank))) and Marg already being married to Tommen but Lady Tyrell fires back "and the famous tart Queen Cersei" oooooooooooh so Cersei finally stops writing and looks at her trying to hide how much she hates her and her family and granny calls her out for Loras and Cersei plays dumb claiming she's against The Faith and Lady Tyrell holds her family's troops, gold and wheat supplies over her head insisting they're putting their future in prison and when Cersei tries to act politely to her veiled threats she snaps "what veil?" and Cersei sighs deeply trying to control herself and points out their alliance brought peace and Lady Tyrell thinks for a bit and admits she didn't trust or like Tywin but she respected him and Cersei sits back in a huff that even after his death he's still behind held over her as she tries to explain he understood you can work with your rivals but Cersei tells her "house Lannister has no rival" and Lady Tyrell rolls her eyes and sinks back into her chair as Cersei tells her "the High Septon has called for an inquest, not a trial" which she assures him will fail to find Loras guilty and sends her off saying they can forget this unfortunate conversation ever happened and Lady Tyrell sighs and gives in and walks off and Cersei sits back super satisfied that she couldn't do shit about it
then we see the High Sparrow interrogating Loras who's grown a beard by now siting in a raggady nighty on a small stool as a sparrow transcribes the conversation and he's grilling him on his relationship with Renly which he just deflects and we cut to see that Lady Tyrell, Margaery, Tommen and Cersei are present with 2 kingsguard behind them and a lot of sparrow guards, how humiliating for poor Loras, and he claims he was so broken up about Renly's death just because he was his friend and king but High Sparrow points out so was Joffrey and Loras tows the party line that he was wrong to support Renly's claim but was pardoned by Joffrey for fighting for him at the Battle of the Blackwater and the High Sparrow points out "wearing Renly's armor" and Loras denies the charges against him of "fornication, buggery, blasphemy" claiming he's never laid with another man and as the sparrow writes all this down the High Sparrow dismisses Loras and when his grandma says "that's quite enough of that" High Sparrow declares "The Faith calls Queen Margaery forward" and she insists "I am the queen" expecting to never have to testify but he tells her by the law of the seven she's not exempt from a holy inquest and her grandmother just gives her a look like just get it over with so she sits on the stool and swears to the god that her brother is innocent and that's all he wants from her just to get her to perjure herself on the record but then they bring in.... the gay pimp..... and Loras bricks it and Cersei tries to hide her evil smirk as the High Sparrow gets Olyver to confess that Loras fucked him and Loras declares "he's a liar!" but Olyver says Margaery is another witness since she walked in on them once and Cersei keeps playing innocent and tells him "this testimony is an insult to a great house!" and asks why they should trust a squire over a prince and Olyver reveals his trap card: "he has a birth mark quite high on his thigh... wine-colored and roughly the shape of Dorne" and Loras can't believe he's getting Tyrion'd, with a lover using an intimite secret between them to fuck him over in court, and LORAS SCREAMS "LIAAAAAR!" AND CHARGES AT HIM but the sparrows hold him back and others stand around the Tyrell ladies as the High Sparrow tells them that they have enough evidence for a trial (think you'd check his birth mark first but ok) against Loras... and Margaery as giving false testimony to the gods is as grave a sin as any uh ooooooooooh and he orders his men to arrest her too and she calls to Tommen and the kingsguard put their hands on their swords in case it's go time but Tommen just sits there like a pathetic cuck since he wants to rule non-violently and knows there's no way out of this without a swordfight kicking off and Cersei looks at Lady Tyrell like gotcha biiiitch, I'm guessing Oly gave him up just to cut a deal and save his own ass from prosecution, although they'll probably do him too for the edge factor
then with Sansa she opens her door to find Myranda there claiming Ramsay sent her to have a bath to be nice and clean for her new husband so I guess the marriage already happened it is about to happen and then we see Myranda cleaning her hair rather forcefully in a tub advising her on how to deal with a relationship with a man with ye olde ASPD warning her that he gets bored easily, her taking this as a personal insult thinking Ramsay married Sansa because she's already bored with her, and she strains the black hairdye out of Sansa revealing her natural red hair and she warns/threatens her "you dont want to end up like...... well like the others" and Myranda pretends to change the topic sliding in the comment "nice to see the red again, no point in hiding anymore" to try to make her feel vulerable but Sansa aint falling for it and demands "what others?" and Myranda tells her about Kyra who was tall like her but talk too much until Ramsay grew tired of that and then she talks about Violet, I think the girl she seduced Ramsay with... but she got pregnant, which is boring, and then there was Tansy, who was sweet... which gets dull... "Ramsay let me come with him on that hunt" and Sansa is like "hunt?" and Myranda gets a psychotic smile and asks "you ever seen a body after the dogs have been at it? not so pretty..." Myranda is a kind of one-dimensional "le crazy jealous other woman" trope but she's sort of a good counter balance to Ramsay's more masculine brand of homicidal inclinations but Sansa didn't spend years in King's Landing for nothing and asks her name to make her feel insignificant to her and then asks "and how long have you loved him Myranda?" and turns to look her in the eyes as she asks in a mocking tone "did you imagine that he would be with you forever, is that it? and I came along and ruined it? I'm Sansa Stark of Winterfell, this is my home and you can't frighten me" and Myranda tries to contain herself from lashing out and asks "are you done with your bath m'lady?" and Sansa turns away ignoring her and saying "go, I can finish on my own" and Myranda fidgets with her cloth trying not to strangle her with it and storms out
then we see Sansa getting into her dressing gown when a knock on her door announces... Reek who asks to take her arm but she recoils "I'm not touching you" and Reek stands there whimpering and begs "please, he'll punish me" and Sansa asks "you think I care what he does to you?" and storms off still thinking he's one of the many parties to have murdered her family members but Reek looks after her seemingly more hurt that she hates him than fear of Ramsay which has maybe reached a climax after seemingly accepting he'll never be Theon again after the castle episode, uhhhh this storyline of Theon pretending he killed the Stark boys is fucking retarded as if no one else in Winterfell would notice those two boys went missing lmao I can't believe it's still cluttering up the show 3 years later and then outside in the snow at night Reek leads Sansa by lantern light, not touching her, down between two groups of guards to Roose and Ramsay and his fat wife and Reek starts regurgitating the script for giving away Sansa and asks "who comes to claim her?" and Ramsay smiles and steps forward and does his titledrops as Myranda looks away hurt and he asks "who gives her?" and Reek... answers "Theon of House Greyjoy who was.... who was her father's ward" and looks at Sansa as if he's more scared for her than himself now and Roose asks "Lady Sansa, will you take this man?" and she looks at Ramsay struggling to keep his mask of sanity on and everyone looks around awkwardly until she steps forward with a big dramatic pause decides to play it smart and says "I take this man" and Ramsay lets out a little cheeky smirk
then later Reek opens the door to let Sansa and a very smug Ramsay into his bedroom and she looks down at... their wedding bed... and Ramsay stares at her expectantly and says "my father said you were still a virgin" and she looks at Reek, not wanting to say this in front of her her adoptive brother/traitor enemy and Ramsay asks as if he doesn't really understand people at all "why? why are you still a virgin? afraid of dwarves? heh!" and Sansa says "Lord Tyrion was kind, he was gentle, he never touched me" and Ramsay doesn't get how the fuck that can happen and twitches as he tries to keep the monster inside and asks "you're not lying to me are you? lying to your husband on his wedding night that would be a bad way to start a marriage" and Reek looks at the ground as he can tell from a mile away some bad shits about to go down and Ramsay holds her face and says forced politely "we're husband and wife now, we should be honest with each other, don't you think?" and Sans forces herself to whisper "yes" as Ramsay moves in to kiss the taller girl on the lips and tells her "good....." and Sansa relaxes a bit thinking he's satisfied but he tells her softly "take off your clothes" and Reek leaves to give them some privacy but Ramsay literally does the "oh no no no" meme and RAMSAY ORDERS REEK TO STAY AND WATCH HIM FUCK HIS CHILDHOOD FRIEND LIKE SOME HENTAI CUCKOLDING SHITEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 100
and Reek turns back almost in amazement that Ramsay has found a new way to hurt him and Ramsay starts to let his real personality show as he orders Sansa "do I have to ask a second time? hate to ask a second time" so she turns around knowing this is what she has to do for CIA's scheme to work and thus to fuck over CIA and get revenge on everyone who fucked over her family and starts undoing all her laces and Reek shuts the door and stands in the corner but Ramsay clarifies "Reek, I told you to watch" and the mortified Reek forces his eyes to raise as Ramsay tells him "you've known Sansa since she was a girl, now watch her become a woman" and she's not undressing fast enough for him so Ramsay tears the back of her dress open and bends her over the bed and Sansa tries to steel herself but cant and starts to hyperventilate in panic as Ramsay unzips
and we cut to Reek flinching away as Ramsay penetrates Sansa and she groans in pain but he forces himself to open his eyes in case Ramsay turns around and he breaks down in tears trying not to vomit AS REEK IS FORCED TO WATCH RAMSAY RAPE SANSA so chalk one up for RAMSAY BOLTON +1 SANSA STARK (MARITAL RAPE)
alright this caused a lot of booty blasting online and just like last time the retard pussy writers refused to talk about it for months but unlike the whole Cersei and Jaime debacle where the writers literally did not know they were making a rape scene it seems fans were just rustled that Sansa got raped at all since it didn't happen in the books, I think in the books the plot is CIA marries off a girl he's claiming is Arya (and in this scene he makes Reek eat her out to get her ready for him to fuck her lmao edgyyyyyyyyyyyy bravo GRRM), and that the scene focuses on Reek's reaction as if it's just to service his story which would indeed be some hack shit but tbh that's just the final shot we get a long shot of Sansa as it's about to happen and you know there'd be even more rustling if they actually showed it happening to her on screen (due to the ironic importance SJWs are also putting on her virginity while no one gave a fuck about Dany getting raped but I guess fuck all people watched it in season 1 so nevermind) but it's still very much her scene too since it serves her in showing what she's enduring to get revenge, she went in there with CIA knowing the Bolton's killed her family and are some fucked up psycho house and she'd have to one way or another consummate the marriage with a guy she'd never met before and she still said yes at the alter and tries to bare Ramsay bending her over all because this is the long game for revenge and this is kind of realism bitch other than the edgy cuckolding angle there were probably more women who were forced to have sex with a man they were married off to than women who had had consensual sexual relationships by the time of the medieval period lmao also something interesting to note is that sort of like how the Jaime/Cersei rape-scene was accidental kino initially they were just going to pan away to an empty room during this rape scene to be "respectful to Sophie Turner" who'd never done a scene like this before but the dude who plays Reek was giving such a good performance while just standing there in the corner not thinking he was being filmed that the director managed to get the camera on him but since it was set up for a wide shot of an empty room they had to zoom in on his face for a close-up in post production so bravo Alfie Allen or whatever his name is for giving an amazing performance while literally not on camera to his knowledge and un-bravo the directors and writers for not even coming up with ending it on Reek being forced to watch but thinking an empty room is the idea to go for so to summarize yes obviously it's rape you fucking moron incels since Sansa knows he'd probably fucking kill her if she tried to fight back but also if you are sensitive to topics of sexual assault you probably shouldn't watch a TV show with constsant gore and nudity where they mention rape every second line of dialog live without waiting to check it's content before hand so you don't end up like this
oh also here is a great quote I read from an interview with Iwan Rheon, the actor who plays Ramsay, when asked about this scene "I think if more people put their effort into the charities that help women in the world today deal with the horror of rape, and less effort in social media about a fantasy show, then maybe things could change." absolutely fucking based, also one more bonus meme from milo (may he rest in Gab)
Game of Thrones 5x07: "The Gift" broken mgtow vows special edition
First aired: May 24, 2015
ok we open on Tormund, back in chains since he's such an edgy cunt he might start killing people anyway, being brought outside to a togged up horse and let loose, and Jon gives Alliser, his second in command, command while he's gone, and Alliser warns him this is a fucking dumb idea and Olly watches them standing next to a chopping axe as if he's thinking about just running over and killing Tormund himself but Jon just thanks him for his honesty and then says goodbye to Sam... who gives him the dragonglass dagger before he rides off
then on Aemon's bed the very old man is presumably not doing too well and Gilly is letting him play with lil Sam and Aemon says happily that the baby's laugh reminds him of his little brother Egg's which is the first thing he ever remembers and Sam explains to a confused Gilly that his little brother Aegon became King, who I think GRRM actually wrote more lighter spin-off novels about called like Tales of Dunk and Egg about his adventures as a young man before he went off his nut I assume or maybe that's his... son that went off his nut? idk, and Aemon claims he was a golly fellow before being king, but he gets serious and tells "Gillyflower" to take lil Sam south before it's too late
and then we see Reek carrying a tray of food and using some keys to unlock Sansa's room who's being locked in there and he puts her breakfast tray down as she lays in bed sobbing to herself and she comes to with a start when Theon closes her windows for her and she gasps "Theon, wait!" and Reek mumbles "not Theon m'lady, Reek" and she begs the man she thinks murdered her young brothers "help me" and Reek mutters "you're his wife now" and Sansa tries again "Theon" but he just stares at the bed and says "do what he says, do what he says or he'll hurt you" and Sansa cries "he already hurts me every night, all day I'm locked in this room and every night he comes..." oh I bet he does and she swallows hard and says "it cant get any worse" but Reek still staring down assures her "it can... it can always be worse" and Sansa stands up showing.... she has bruises all over her arm... and as she walks towards Reek asking "what did he do to you?" Reek yelps "please!" and starts towards the door terrified this is Ramsay's doing somehow and Sansa puts her hand against the door and screams in his face "you betrayed my family!" and Reek has to keep up the meme and begs "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" and she grabs his shirt and begs him "you have to help me Theon help me" and Reek insists "he'll see us, you don't know him!" and almost breaks down crying and fucking idiot brainlet Sansa reveals "my family still has friends in the North, all I need to do is give a signal and they'll rescue me" yeah good thing to tell the man who's clearly completely submissive to your captor really good thinking there you dumb thot and she even tells him how to do it giving him a candle and telling him to light it in the broken tower but Reek yelps "Reek! my name is Reek!" as she's inflicting extreme suffering on him knowing he'll have to either betray her to Ramsay or face the severe stress of withholding information from him but Sansa holds his shoulders and bigs him up saying "your name is Theon Greyjoy, last surviving son of Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands, do you hear me?" and Reek can't even make eyecontact with her until she says "Theon... promise me" and he looks her in the eyes and... nods... and then scurries out the room... uh oh then in a furious blizzard Reek walks outside... seemingly completely impervious to the biting frozen wind as he's suffered far worse pain... and he actually does walk up a towers steps.... but it's TO TALK WITH RAMSAY!!! who's having dinner and snarls "yes... Reek?" and we see Brie looking over Winterfell... with no candle being lit
and then we cut to lit candles... but with Aemon and he's muttering "eeegg... eeegg... mother's looking for you... eeeeegg..." as his mind is shutting down but at least he's happy hearing a baby mumbling and Gilly can tell from experience it's not long now and tells Sam he should get some rest as he'll have to speak for him tomorrow at a funeral but Sam insists on staying as he's always been good to him and suddenly Aemon yelps "egg!" and grabs Sam's hand and lays there saying "egg... I dreamed... that I was old...?" and dies which plays into the theme of identity they've had where his last thoughts were thinking he was a young boy talking to his little brother and his real life had just been a dream so in that moment from his point of view that experience and belief was his "real life" and then the next morning Aemon is on a funeral pyre and Sam reveals to anyone who didn't know "his name was Aemon Targaryen" and gives a speech about how great he was and that he had the blood of the dragon "and now his watch has ended" and the men repeat that as Sam sniffles and lights the pyre and hands it off to Alliser who lights another corner and passes the torch on to the other lads and Alliser takes the opportunity to whisper to Sam "you're losing all your friends Tarly" as the other men give him dodgy looks, well rip Aemon he was a really good actor but I guess maybe he was getting too old irl to keep filming so they wrote him out in a pretty sweet way
and then in Winterfell Sansa comes up to see Ramsay on the snowy wall in a hood and Ramsay looks at her completely blankly like he doesn't really care at all but then remembers to keep up appearances for politics and forces a smile and kisses the woman he rapes every night on the cheek and says "my beautiful wife, when my father said we were to be married I have expected a fat bearded beast heh" and he takes her by the hips and holds her close and tells her "do you know how pleased I was when I saw you? you make me very happy" knowing how much she hates him touching or being attracted to her and as Ramsay starts talking about Stannis being on his way Sansa... picks up a cork screw... and follows him listening to him prattle on about his army being updated with sellswords but he thinks the snow is in their favor since Northerners are used to it and he tells her one day he'll be Warden and she'll be Wardeness and she gets a conspiring look as that's her goal just not with him and she takes her chance to get under Ramsay's skin and asks "but isn't tour step-mother pregnant? what happens if she has a boy?" and Ramsay insists "I'm Lord Bolton's first son" and when he tries to point out he has a royal decree making him legitimate Sansa reminds him "by Tommen Baratheon? another bastard" he glares at her and starts breathing heavily like it's taking all his will power not to snap her neck for saying that to him and Sansa stands firm knowing that he can't hurt her too badly because he needs this political marriage to hold the North but Ramsay controls himself and insists "bastards can rise high in the world.... like your half-brother Jon Snow, now the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch" but Sansa didn't even know that and Ramsay rubs it in that he knows more about her family than she does and then... takes her to show what he called her for... "your Northern friend... Reek told me you wanted to leave" as he takes out the candle and he stats ranting "tough old bird, everyone talks when I start peeling them... but this one..." as we get close ups of a dead woman's face... a skinned foot... a skinned hand... "her heart gave out before I even got to her face, we do breed them tough in the North" as Sansa looks over the crussified body of THE OLD MAID RAMSAY SKINNED ALIVEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 101 and he orders Reek "take my wife back to her chambers, it's far too cold out here for a lady" and gives her a kiss to a flinching horrified Sansa and he looks after her smiling like :3 as he loves nothing more than destroying peoples hope and then looks over and smiles in approval at Reek for his loyalty, I guess him saying she had a heart attack before she
then we see Stannis army suffering in the blizzard in their huge tent city as Davos rides through to the command tent and warns about the horses dying , running out of food, their supply lines being snowed in and 500 mercs called the Stormcrows abandoning them so Stannis takes their marker off his map decrying "sellswords, loyal to nothing but gold" and Davos advises him to retreat to Castle Black but Stannis insists if he retreats again he'll become the King Who Ran and reminds him of reddit's favorite meme Winter is Coming™ so it's now or never and Davos can tell he's losing it as he rants about only going forward and glances over at the Red Lady knowing it's his fault and when he leaves Stannis whines to the Red Lady he's trusted in her visions but she reassures him insisting she's foreseen the Bolton's defeat and purposefully leans over the map table so Stannis will see and caress her ass as she tells him his blood is powerful but he reminds her "we don't have Robert's bastard here" but she tells him "no... we have someone better... and your blood runs through her veins" uh ooooooh and Stannis recoils "have you lost your mind?" but she insists and Stannis mumbles "there must be another way, leaches or something..." but the Red Lady bigs him up saying it's his destiny to save the world from the dead but he backs away from her touch saying "she's my daughter, get out" and stands there in disbelief at what he's considering wew laddddddd
then we see Gilly doing some laundry when two creepers come in and start perving on her and joking about if she's really pretty or if they're just desperate and start asking her for a kiss and when she tries to ignore them they corner her but Sam comes in and draws his sword instantly and warns brother Derek and Brant but they just tease him for his hands shaking and he warns Gilly to leave but they throw her down on the ground and start daring him to fight so SAM SWINGS HIS SWORD AT DEREK BUT HE JUST GRABS HIS ARMS AND KNEES HIM IN THE STOMACH AND THROWS HIM OVER and Brant holds back a frantic Gilly as Brant calls him a "lying sack of shit, killed a White walker eh? you fat ass fuck!" and kicks him in the stomach telling Gilly "this your hero? he's a hog!" but GILLY SHOVES DEREK AWAY AND CHARGES BRANT and he grapples with her as Derek starts kicking and beating Sam in the face over and over and over again leaving his face bloody and rolling around in pain as they start trying to tear Gilly's clothes off but... SAM STILL STANDS UP AND TELLS THEM "I SAID... GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER" and they just keep trying to undress her teasing him "your lover Jon Snow's not here to save you!" and Sam starts telling them "I killed a White Walker, I killed a Thenn... I'll take my chances with you" and they let Gilly go ready to fight him but then... GHOST WALKS IN THE ROOM SNARLING AT THEM
and Derek and Brant brick it and leg it and Sam stumbles to his knees and Gilly runs to help him as he tries to pretend he's alright but then passes out toppling over now the adrenaline is wearing off, I like that even though Sam is useless he's becoming more brave since usually in these sorts of stories bravery directly translates to physical skill somehow but like Ned says you're bravest when you're scared, then later Gilly is cleaning his face and asks him to just ignore it next time to keep himself safe but he refuses joking that he would have won and wants to be a real man but Gilly explains she needs him to look after Little Sam no matter what and he insists he can protect them both and she smiles lucky that she has such a nice man but Sam pleads with her to stay as she goes to get more water as he really is fucked up but then... Gilly leans in and gives him a peck on the cheek... and then starts making out with him... and Sam just looks bewildered at her as she slowly climbs on top of him and Sam starts breathing heavily as they make out again but he winces in pain lol and in an interesting inversion of the usual losing your virginity scene she asks her man "am I hurting you?" and when he shakes his head she firmly asks "are you sure?" so she starts undoing his pants and Sam's head rolls back as GILLY SLIPS SAM INSIDE HER AND HE STARTS MOANING "OH... OH... OH MY!"welp RIP Sam's MGTOW vows, and since Jon and Pod got laid and it turned out CIA was lying about being a volcel that leaves Brie and Varys to carry the torch for the virgin army, although I guess Reek is a perma-incel now lmao
then we see Jorah and Tyrion in a chain gang being marched to the outskirts of Meereen with a slaver whipping them along, wow great job eliminating slavery Dany
and at a slave auction Mr. Eko is pitching his product to some masters bigging Jorah up as a Westerosi Knight repeating all the shit Tyrion told him and Jorah just looks around annoyed as it's probably all true but not shit he likes to be known for but then Mr. Eko notes he slaughtered 50 men with his flaming sword so I think Tyrion is actually telling him Thoros' stories and ah yes the story of killing the Dothraki has now turned to he killed Khal Drogo in single combat and claims he sold himself into slavery to repay his debts and the masters all ooh and aah at what an honerable and amazing warrior he must be and Jorah gives Tyrion a glance like this is fucking offensive but bites his tongue as they just need to get inside Meereen to see Dany and the auction starts with him being sold to a man for 20 "gold honors" and Mr. Eko immediately takes the purse and hands Jorah off to him but Tyrion realizes he might not get bought too so cries out to go with him and the master just asks "why?" and Tyrion claims "we're a team, I'm a great fighter too" and the masters just laugh at him but TYRION PULLS THE SLAVER HOLDING HIS CHAIN TO THE GROUND AND STARTS WHIPPING HIM WITH IT AND KICKING HIM AND THE SLAVER STARTS BEGGING FOR MERCY UNTIL TYRION KICKS HIM OUT COLD and the masters all laugh but then cheer him on and the master admits "alright, he's funny!" and pays Mr. Eko for him who rushes off thanking his new lord and immediately starts manipulating him telling him Meereen is now a freed city but he could avoid trouble by fighting with freed men paid a wage but the master just slaps him in the face and gives him one coin and says "here's your wage funny man, should last the rest of your life" and tosses a coin to Jorah too I guess his plan is just to lie they're free and can point to the one coin he's given them as proof but really he won't let them go
then in Dany and Daario's bed they are giggling after sex and he asks when Hizdahr is coming to take his pillow but Dany assures him they both know it's just political and absolute fuckboy Daario floats the idea that the SotH stopped killing... because their leader was made King! but Dany calls him out for just being jealous and they both laugh admitting that's exactly what Daario would do but they start making out again as he keeps pushing her not to trust him but she explains why she doesn't have a choice and Daario claims "even slaves have a choice, death or slavery" and asks her to marry him instead but she says she can't and he tells her "then you're the only person in Meereen who's not free" and she sits up getting all anxious now and fuckboy Daario won't stop pushing and advises her... to slaughter all the masters at the great games, but Dany insists "I am a Queen, not a butcher" but he tells her "all rulers are either butchers or meat" edgyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
and speaking of which we see the Sept and Lady Tyrell is asking a man in robes "where can I find the High Sparrow or High Speton or whatever bloody fool name he has now?" and the High Sparrow turns around revealing himself quipping "it's not as good a name as Queen of Thorns I'll admit" and she tells him "you should have the decency to stand when speaking to a lady" and he fires back "you should have the decency to kneel before the gods" it's like pottery it rhymes and she snaps at him "don't spar with me little fellow!" and the old man groans as he stands saying "for me it's the kneees, for you?" and she admits "hips" as he instantly finds a way to connect with her over their old age and she asks frankly "a man of the people, is that your game? it's an old game, dull and unconvincing, a man of the people who does Cersei's dirty work for her?" and when the High Sparrow dodges saying "the people always do the dirty work" she snaps "spare me the homilies I can smell a fraud from a mile away" ooooooh go off queen and he reminds her "your grandson and granddaughter swore sacred vows... and lied... The Father judges us all" and walks off and she tells him "don't you walk away from me" and he tells her without even turning around "you don't give commands here Lady Olenna" and she calls "what is it you want? gold? I'll make you the richest septon who ever lived" and she the High Septon chuckles and "reveals" his true character "I imagine this is strange for you, everyone you meet has a hidden motive and you pride yourself on sniffing it out, but I'm telling you a simple truth, I serve the gods, the gods demand justice" and Lady Tyrell starts shivering a bit as she's faced with someone she can't manipulate for once and she tries "how do they communicate their demands? by raven or horse?" and he claims "by the holy text: The Seven-Pointed Star, if you don't have one in your library I'll give you one of my own" and she mocks "I've read "The Seven-Pointed Star"!" and he reminds her "then you'll remember the passages concerning buggery and perjury, your grandhcildren will be punished in the same manner as anyone else who breaks the sacred laws" and she snaps "half the men, women and children in this foul city break the sacred laws, you live among murderers, thieves and rapists! and yet you punish Loras for shagging some perfumed ponce and Margaery for defending her brother?" and he just says "yes........ the God's laws must be applied to all equally" and Lady Tyrell threatens "if it's equality you want so be it, when House Tyrell stops sending our crops to the capital everyone here will starve and I'll make sure the huungry know who's to blame" and he just chuckles and asks "have you ever sowed a field Lady Olenna? have you ever reaped the grain? has anyone in House Tyrell? a lifetime of wealth and power has left you blind in one eye, you are the few, we are the many, and when the many stop fearing the few... *heh*" ok calm down Bernie Sanders and she looks off after him worried that she's met her match and then outside the Sept that's still covered by the homeless and sparrows she looks around nervously as she only has two guards when a messenger hands her a letter and she notices... CIA's seal
then with Cersei she's worrying about Tommen who's so anxious he can't eat as "she's in a prison cell and there is nothing I can do! I am the king! the queen is in prison and there is NOTHING I CAN DO!" as he's starting to become a big Joffrey like which scares his mother (just order your men to free her lmao) and she takes his hands and tells from her own experience him no matter who you are you'll find circumstances beyond your control and you can't blame yourself as she couldn't protect his father, his brother or his grandfather and Tommen yells "I'll call in my army, take back the Sept and kill every last one of them! I'll start a war if I have to!" now we're talking but Cersei reminds him "you know as well as I do who the first casualty of that war would be" and he starts whining "I love her... I love her... I can't help her" hmmmmm Cersei it's almost like giving unchecked power to religious extremists was a bad idea and she tells him not to give into despair and he says he'll talk to the High Sparrow but Cersei promises to do it for him as "your happiness is all I want in this world" when he looks surprised but he tries to tell her "I know" and she tears up and says "no you don't... you can't possibly" since she can tell he already resents her a bit and doesn't know half the nasty shit she's done to protect her children and she tells him "not until you have children of your own, I would do anything for you, anything to keep you from harm, I would burn cities to the ground, you are all that matters, you and your sister, the moment you came into this world... my boy... my only boy" and she pulls the crying Tommen to his feat and hugs him in genuine love as she starts crying too >tfw no Cersei mommy
but speaking of her actual other boy Jaime is being kept in a very fancy locked room when the big black bodyguard (Triple B I'll call him since all black characters need meme names since I'm racist) comes in with Myrcella telling him "Prince Doran hopes this satisfies your concerns about the princesses well being" and walks off not locking the door and they have an awkward conversation between father and daughter/uncle and niece and who barely know each other and he tries to explain her mother is concerned as there have been threats made against her but she insists this has been her home for years and she thought she was doing what her mother wanted being there and insists quite bitchily, probably taking after her mother and being allowed to do whatever she wants down here, that she's marrying Trystane and staying there and when Jaime says "I don't understand" she snaps "of course you don't you don't know me" and storms out
then in Bronn's far less nice shitty little cell he's singing a song to himself... to piss off the three Sand Snakes who are being held in the cell opposite his, and the hispanic looking one claps and compliments his voice and the east asian one sneers if he was as good a fighter they'd be in trouble as Obara, the uhhh bitch looking one, sneers at them, I like how they're all mixed race of different ethnicity to show that Oberyn was knocking up women from around the planet and then doing a runner lmao and Bronn claims "it's against my code to hurt a woman" and Obara mocks "it's amazing how many men we beat seem to have this code" yeah not to go on an incel rant and I understand why it's culturally not acceptable for a man to fight a woman but when you're in the Real Shit™ who gives a fuck what sex someone is who's trying to kill you like in Suicide Squad where Deadshot inists he doesn't kill women despite out of the top four most dangerous people he knows three of them are women who have all threatened his life at some point lmao and Bronn claims "I wouldn't say you beat me" and the more friendly one chirps "how's your arm?" and he just laughs it off and Obara threatens he's not leaving here alive and he jokes about wanting to stay for the women and when the qt one says "thank you :3" he fires back "I said Dornish women, I didn't say you" calling her out on being foreign and a bitch and since her act seems to be acting all flirty to manipulate brainlet men she stands up to the bars and asks "I'm not the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?" and her two sisters roll their eyes at each other she's trying her usual bs and Bronn brags she's nothing to him and she dares "name one more beautiful than I am" and Brann starts to talk about someone in KL but SHE TAKES OUT ONE OF HER TITS and he trails off staring at her as she teases "there was a what?" and Bronn goes up to the bars to stare at her titties as she starts revealing her thigh as she starts undoing her dress and SHE FLASHES HER PUSSY and asks how his head is doing and he mutters "my head... my head... you don't even know what's going on..." and he starts breathing heavily and falls against the wall and she points outs "your nose is bleeding" and her two sisters come forward as she tells him "my dagger was coated with a special ointment from Asshai... they call it the Long Farewell... it takes time to work... but if a single drop makes contact with the skin... death" and Bronn starts panting as she takes a bead off her necklace and taunts "the only antidote" and he reaches out for it and she asks again "who's the most beautiful woman in the world?" and he struggles to say "you..." but she taunts "sorry what?" and he forces out "you!" as she tosses him the cure and he downs it frantically and she teases "I think you're very hansom as well" as she does up her dress, ok now while that was some hot femdom action it was a bit weird since I presume the gag is she made the poison hit faster by speeding up his heart rate by arousing him which would be a good gag if it was like to kill a guard they had limited time to take out from behind the bars but why even give him the cure it'd clearly be to their advantage to let him die so fun idea but poor deployment of it and honestly Bronn is kind of a dumb comedic relief character that's become a bit flanderized from how immoral he was in the previous seasons at this stage and it would have made more sense to kill him off here like she doesn't give him the antidote and then Jaime has another grievance with them
then we see CIA spying through his old spyhole in his old brothel and seeing one of the rooms has the heptagram painted on the wall and he walks around his brothel seeing it smashed to shit so he goes to meet with Lady Tyrell in another room looking at the heptagram and he says "I'm sorry about the locale" but she instantly cuts the shit "no you're not" but he keeps lying "it felt like the safest place" and she snaps back "not for your clientele clearly" looking at all the carnage and CIA laments how great his brothel was and granny points out his narcissism but CIA says the future is all that matters and granny snaps "don't pretend to care about my house, my grandhcildren or me, I should have known you'd return to the capital as soon as things started to go wrong" and when he tries to talk some bullshit but she cuts him off "let me assure you that our fates are intertwined, we murdered a king together, if my house should fall, I will have nothing to hide" I guess making it clear that CIA had the fool give Sansa the necklace and maybe when Lady Tyrell was talking to her she slipped it off of her with slight of hand and someone got it into Joffrey's cup and when she sees him maddogging her she adds "and if I should meet with some accident here at your broken little flesh market they'll never even find what's left of you" which just makes CIA smile as he loves a good rivalry and she goes "so... do you deny any part in this?" which so far he seems not to have and it's all just Cersei's fault although wouldn't surprise me if it was Varys who's clearly burnt his alliance with the Lannister's and needs them taken out for Dany and CIA claims innocence telling her he had to give up something to Cersei but still withheld something from her and offers her "a hansom young man" as a gift which is the same gift he gave Cersei, not sure what he's on about there, maybe he handed over Gentry to her or something
and then we see in the fighting pit waiting room a man putting a weird cage around his arm to use as a weapon and men shaking with nerves and Jorah is just cleaning his sword sitting next to a terrified Tyrion as their master tells them most of them will die this afternoon but if they win they'll fight at the Great Pit of Daznak in front of the Queen and taunts them that today is the day their lives finally mean something and he selects the men he wants to fight which is basically all of them... excluding Jorah and Tyrion, who just sit there counting their blessings but brainlet Jorah starts to get a few dumb ideas in his head but little do they know Dany and Hizzy are attending this fight too, I know it's a dumb trope but I really like any sort of fight to the death game ranging from gladiatorial combat that happened in real life and more over the top Hunger Games shit it's just inherently compelling to make a sport out of fighting for your life, Fortnite rules is what I'm getting at and when the master sees Dany he nervously whispers to his slaves to stand straight for the fucking queen as he gets all anxious to lose in front of her and he claps for his slaves to announce "we fight and die for your glory o glorious queen!" and when Jorah hears that he rushes to the window and spots Dany and his heart swells with love as the crowd cheers on as all the men fight their sparring partners and A MAN GRABS ANOTHERS WRIST AND STABS HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE as Dany watches in disgust and horror and can barely watch as A MAN IS WHACKED IN THE BACK WITH A MACE AND ANOTHER DISARMED MAN IS CUT DOWN and Dany goes to leave saying "I've seen enough" but Hizzy insists she stay and she says "I've sacrificed enough for your traditions" as a bleeding man is dragged around in the background
and when Jorah sees she's about to leave he rushes to put on a helmet and runs to the gate as Tyrion sits there still in chains and JORAH MARCHES OUT INTO THE ARENA AND SWORDBUTTS HIS MASTER WHEN HE TRIES TO STOP HIM AND AS THE TOP FIGHTER IS SMASHING A MAN IN THE FACE WITH A ROCK JORAH KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD AND BACKHANDS HIM OUT COLD, GRABS ANOTHER FIGHTER FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM OUT WITH HIS SWORD HANDLE, EFFORTLESSLY BLOCKS ANOTHER FIGHTERS SWORD AND BREAKS HIS ARM and Dany looks impressed he's winning non-lethally and all the other fighters rush to the windows to watch and Tyrion tries to saw his chain loose with a blade he seems to have hidden on him and JORAH FIGHTS THE DUDE WITH THE CAGE ON HIS ARM AND WINGING A BALL AND CHAIN SO HE JUST TOSSES HIS SWORD AT HIM TO SCARE HIM, GRABS A SHIELD TO DEFLECT THE BALL AND SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE BUT THE DUDE WITH THE MACE CHARGES HIM SO JORAH SIMPLY GRABS HIM, TAKES HIS HELMET OFF AND SLAMS HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT
sawing at his chains and he swings his sword down at him and when Tyrion flinches away he finds... the man has cut his chain loose and he nods his thanks to him and the man nods his respect for this little man who's somehow survived here and outside Jorah walks up to the crowd and he takes his helmet off revealing himself to Dany who....... orders "get him out of my sight" fucking whoooooooooore and as the guards drag him off he yells "I brought you a gift!" and Tyrion walks out saying "it's true! he has" and she asks "who are you?" and he holds up his chained hands and says "I am the gift, it's a pleasure to meet you Your Grace, my name is Tyrion Lannister" and Dany stares in confusion at them both
then inside the Sept Cersei is walking through with some guards to... Margaery's cell who's being kept in shitty conditions wearing only raggedy clothes chained by the ankle and her hair looking terrible and Cersei gasps "this is horrible, unacceptable.... are they feeding you enough at least? I brought you this, venison.... its quite good" and gives her a cunty smile as she's taunting her with a tiny taste of the privilege she can't have anymore and barely tries to pretend she's trying to help and Marg tells her "I know you did this... lies come easy to you, everyone knows that, but innocence, decency, concern, you're not very good at those I'm afraid, perhaps that's why your son was so eager to cast you aside for me" and Cersei looks like ooooh bitch don't push me and taunts "you're upset, you're not thinking clearly" and taunts her for turning down her visits saying men go mad down here but reminds her her isolation will end when her trial begins and Marg just growls "leave" and Cersei taunts "yes I must I'm afraid my son needs me now more than ever" rubbing it in that she's taken Tommen back from her and MARG THROWS THE VENISON AT HER SCREAMING "GET OUT YOU HATEFUL BITCH!" and Cersei just stands there smiling smugly at her soaking in the suffering her rival is in and whispers "sleep well sister" at her reminding her of their first private talk and walks off very happy with herself
and next she goes to meet the High Sparrow to discuss the Tyrell children's trial and how seven septons will be their judges, one of them being him, and Cersei asks what happens if they confesses before the trial, and he says it depends on the severity of the confessions, and she tells him some bullshit about how he's doing the right thing to do justice by the seven and he just smiles at her as he knows she has zero faith and is fucking him about for her own ends and he tells her "did you know the chapel is one of the oldest structures in King's Landing?" and tells her that his alter there has no known builder as they "didn't inflict their vanity on those who came after them" trying to teach her a lesson about how you could take away all the fancy shit in the sept and you'd be left with something solid and true and that's what should happen to the Tyrells, having everything fancy taken away so everyone can see what they're really like, and Cersei smile at the sound of that, but he adds "what shall we fine when we strip away your finery?" and tells her of a young man that came to him lately, presumably sent by CIA and ah... he's talking about Lancel I think, no wait, it was probably Olyver that CIA put up to snitching on Loras and that was his gift of "a young man" to Cersei he was talking about, but maybe his gift to Lady Tyrelle was giving Lancel to the High Sparrow so he'd grass up Cersei's sins, and he tells her that this young man unburdened himself so much that he's so light he can float through the seven heavens like a bird, and Cersei tries to keep her game face on when suddenly she hears a door open behind her... and Lancel comes out with his forehead carving... and she realizes this ain't ending well and goes to leave but this nun stops her and Cersei screams "ORDER HER TO LET ME GO! I AM THE QUEEN! I AM THE QUEEN! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" AND THE SEPTA THROWS CERSEI IN HER OWN CELL and she orders the Septa "look at me! look at my face! it's the last thing you'll see before you die" and the septa just slams the door shut oh shit boiiiiiiii to be honest this is fucking dumb since for the first four seasons like 10 different factions were vying for control over the throne but now the High Sparrow makes everyone remember they actually have a religion and has complete control over the capital within like a month, absolutely epic writing
Game of Thrones 5x08: "Hardhome" Left 4 Dead special edition
First aired: May 31, 2015
in Dany's throne room there is an extremely awkward silence where Jorah and Tyrion stand before her and when cuckboi tries to speak up she says "you will not speak" lmao cuckkkkkk and she asks Tyrion why she shouldn't kill him and he points out if she wants revenge on the Lannister's he pretty much killed his mother, killed his father and leaves out that hes thought to have killed his nephew the king and Dany drolls "so I should welcome you into my services because you murdered members of your own family?" and Tyrion plays coy saying he's not sure he wants to be in her service so she deadpans "if you want to go back to the fighting pits just say the word" and Tyrion tells a story he heard of a baby girl born during a storm with nothing to survive on but a family name and was moved from place to place mere hours ahead of assassins and everyone thought that was that when she got married off to a warlord on the other end of the world but then "the most well-informed person I knew told me that this girl without wealth, lands or armies had somehow squired all three in a very short span of time along with three dragons" AH YES VERY CONVENIENT ISNT IT TYRION VERY CONVINIENT INDEEEEEEED and Tyrion finishes "he thought she was our best, last chance, to build a better world... thought you were worth meeting at least" and Dany asks what he has to offer and he points out no-one understands Westeros like him he did good as the King's Hand considering that king liked torturing animals than leading his people, I guess Joffrey did mention going hunting so I guess he liked to fuck up the animals and that's what people are talking about, and Dany tests Tyrion by asking what his advise on dealing with Jorah, a man she swore she would kill if he ever returned, and Jorah eyes Tyrion hoping he doesn't throw him under the bus but Tyrion explains Ser Jorah is no longer the man he was when he started informing on her and is truly dedicated to her... "and yet he did betray you" and Tyrion steps forward and the Unsullied perk up but Dany lets him and they discuss how Jorah never confessed his betrayal until forced to do so and Tyrion points out even if he loved her he didn't trust her with the truth and Dany asks "so I should kill him?" as her eyes light up since she's so edgy but Tyrion points out killing those devoted to her doesn't inspire devotion... but she also can't have Jorah by her side, so she orders Jorah removed from the city again, and Tyrion looks back regretfully knowing he'll hate him but it's for the best since it was probably the only way to talk Dany out of mercing him, and Jorah looks down at the greyscale spreading on his forearm and looks back at the city like he's about to do some dumb shit since he's gonna die anyway
then in KL the septa comes into Cersei's cell who has been left in rags and her hair is all shitty and the septa gives her a ladle of water and orders "confess" and she goes to take the water and asks "my son" but the septa slaps her with the ladle and tells her again "confess" and Cersei snarls "I meant it, my face will be the last thing you see-" and the septa slaps her again and leaves not even letting her drink and Cersei breaks down crying and screaming
and then we cut to Arya saying "my name is Alana and I'm an orphan" and tells a sob story about growing up to sell oysters in a soft little girl voice and then we see her going through the town with a cart full of oysters smiling pleasently to people trying to inhabit the role as her voice over talks about her daily routine but she gets it wrong and Jaqen suddenly gives her a little slap with the stick and she corrects herself with the right directions and he approves of her progress in bullshiting skills and [b]I guess now we understand why he talks like Big Shaq[b] it's because he considers everyone including himself from a third person prespective and it suddenly makes sense when they're talking about what a girl will do because Arya is completely becoming this girl who's life they are making up as a cover story which seems like a massive waste of time in a place where only word of mouth was used to track people but ok and she asks what "a girl" will do to serve but Jaqen tells her she has to see for herself and down at the docks again Arya sees a little boy and tries not to think of her little brothers as she shouts out selling her "OYSTERS CLAMS AND CUCKOLDS" no wait cockles and she watches a money lender or something taking inventory who asks her if she's got fresh oysters and she promises best in the city and cuts one open with a knife for him to sample and he likes it so buys four with vinegar and another man comes to give a payment and I guess this dude is an insurance seller or something as the man is begging for something saying he has three kids to pay for and he's had 18 voyages without a scratch but the old man looks at his papers and says he cant do it as the man shoves his money on him but the old mans guards drag him away and Arya gets the hint that this uncharitable man is her target and I guess later Jaqen is explaining to her "the man is a gambler, he gambles if a sailors ship will make it to its destination, it is a strange wager for the captain, he only wins if he loses his life" and Arya figures out it's ye olde life insurance (which there is literally nothing wrong with) but ah Jaqen explains that the gambler somtimes loses his bet and doesn't pay out to the women and children who can't do anything to him OY VEEEEY GOYIM MY SHEKELS NOW and he asks "to whom can they turn for recourse?" and she looks at a praying man and answers "the many-faced god" figuring one of this man's victims has come there for help (you'd think if it was well known what goes on in there that the various powerful people would have an issue with this vigilante establishment and, you know, fucking kill them all) and Jaqen tells her a girl Lanna will go to the docks, learn more about the man than she knows about her self and then give the thin man... a gift, handing over some poison, and Arya walks away smiling that she finally has her first kill mission and the bitchy other girl warns Jaqen she's not ready and he just says "it is all the same to the many-faced god" reminds me of death clerics in DnD where they are not so much evil characters but neutrally in service of death which can be either putting people out of their misery, killing people who are surviving death by supernatural means, killing people who are unnaturally killing too many people or killing people who are unnaturally saving too many people as death is the great balancer
then in Cersei's cell Qyburn visits her (they have very lack security in these days, like Tyrion got visited by several different people Cersei could have gotten to kill him or something, for all they know he's going to give Cersei a suicide capsule or something) and he explains she's going to be put on trial for "fornication, treason, incest, the murder of King Robert" and she responds "all lies" and Qyburn condescendingly says "of course Your Grace" knowing she needs him but he warns the Faith doesn't have the same standards of proof as the Crown and tips his fedora with "belief is so often the death of reason" and Cersei deadpans "I wish you'd said it sooner" and asks of Jaime but there's no word from him and Cersei touches the ground as if she needs to comfort something and he tells her that Pycelle has summoned Kevan back to be Hand of the King and she demands to speak to him but he tells her he's already refused and she asked about Tommen and he tells her he's not taken her or his wife's arrests well and doesn't leave his chambers and leaves his food untouched LMAO TOMMEN IS BECOMING AN ANOREXIC NEET and Cersei begs Qyburn to get Tommen to see her but he says he wont talk to anyone what a fucking beta JUST ORDER YOUR PERSONAL BODYGUARDS, YOUR FAMILY'S ARMY OR THE CITY GUARDS TO GET TAKE BACK CONTROL FROM THE FAITHCUCKS and Cersei whispers that she can't stay there and Qyburn suggests he knows a way out, I thought it was gonna be suicide and he's been sent to trick her into taking her own life, but she realizes he means confess but she refuses to kneel before a barefoot commoner and beg his forgiveness and the septa comes in and Qyburn bids her farewell and his last words are "the work continues" as he leaves hmmmmm maybe he'll send The Zombie Mountain to bust her out or something
then we see pathetic cucklord Reek being made to deliver Sansa some soul and she demands to know "why? why Theon?" and Reek insists "there is no Theon" so Sansa, hating him again, just asks "why did you tell him Reek?" and he explains "I was helping you, you wanted to escape, there is no escape, not ever, Theon Greyjoy tried to escape, the master knew, he knows everything, he hunted him and caught him and strapped him to a cross and cut away piece after piece until there was no Theon left" and Sansa just says "good... if it weren't you I'd still have a family, if I could do what Ramsay did to you right here right now I would" oh Sansa don't make me waifu you and Reek barely reacts as if there's not much left that can hurt him and says "I deserved everything.... I deserve to be Reek... I did terrible things... turned on Robb... captured Winterfell... killed those boys" I guess implying Ramsay's conditioning took so well because he already hated being Theon and had nothing to go back to anyway so was already waiting to be remade and Sansa snaps "they weren't "those boys"! they were Bran and Rickon! they were your brothers! you've known them from when they were born!" and Reek slips up saying "they weren't they were only-" and Sansa catches him "only what?" and he freaks out staring at the ground literally like The Virgin Walk meme and he stammers "I cant tell you not unless the master says" but Sansa yells at him to spill the tea and snarls at him "tell me why Bran and Rickon should be gone while you still breathe the air tell me to my face Theon that they weren't your brothers!" and grabs his head and forces him to look up and a little but of Theon slips out as he makes eyecontact with her "they weren't Bran and Rickon! I couldn't find them......... it was two farm boys........ I killed them and burned them so no one would know........" and hands his head in shame, but Theon's shame, and Sansa realizes there's still hope for her family and asks "do you know where they went, Bran and Rickon?" yeah where tf are Rickon and Osha and Reek comes back and freaks out saying "I can't talk to you anymore! not Theon! Reek!" and rushes off leaving a stunned Sansa
then in Roose's war room his generals are warning him that while Stannis might only have 6K half of them are mounted but Roose ain't worried as they have food for six months and can wait for them to freeze, starve and mutiny in the castle but he notes Ramsay staring at him cheekily and he says "I think you're missing an opportunity to teach the people of the North how House Bolton treats southern invaders" and recommends hitting hard and fast and Roose tests him "a smart commander does not abandon a defensive advantage" and points out the snow's too deep for an army to get to them but Ramsay immediately states "I don't need an army... I need 20 good men" as the camera dramatically zooms in on him uhhh right
then Dany is having tea with Tyrion as they discuss his future with him telling her his father would have killed him and she turns it back on him asking about his father and Tyrion points out it's already known his fathers thoughts on killing him lol and she asks if that's why he merced him and Tyrion teases her with the answer saying he'll need more wine and Dany says "I know the Mad King earned his name" talking about her father directly for the first time in 5 fucking seasons and Tyrion says "well here we sit, two terrible children of two terrible parents" which Dany takes offence to but Tyrion says she might be the right kind to keep her people being more terrible and compliments her decisions to re-open the fighting pits and marry someone she hates for the greater good and talks about Cersei hating her husband and how she had him killed, revealing he knew all along about what Cersei got Lancel to do, and Dany quips about "let's hope it doesn't come to that", and Tyrion tells her it was Varys who put him onto her and she says that it was Varys hunting her for 20 years and Tyrion defends "he did what he had to do to survive" and assure her he's the only reason those assassinations weren't successful and Tyrion says he's the only person other than Jaime he trusts and Dany asks "the brother who killed my father?" and Tyrion pours another drink as he confirms and Dany jokes about having him killed anyway as if the dumb bitch doesn't think her father deserved it and Tyrion tells her "I'd given up on life until Varys convinced me you might be worth living for if you chop off my head, well, my final days were interesting" and Dany realizes "I'm not going to kill you" and hires him as her adviser but takes his wine off of him as she needs him sober and his first bit of advise is to want something else other than the Iron Throne but she snaps "if I want jokes I'll get myself a proper fool" and Tyrion tries to explain there's more in the world than Westeros and maybe she belongs freeing people in Essos and Dany says she can do both but Tyrion games out that it didn't go too well here only having the support of the common people and breaks the news that House Targ is gone, so are the Starks, what's left of Lannister won't ever back her nor Stannis who needs people thinking she's illegitimate which leaves the Tyrells who is possible but not enough (ultra lis at him leaving out the Greyjoys as they're so useless and I guess the Bolton's are too psycho to even consider) and Dany gives an edgy speech about how all these houses are just spokes on a wheel getting ontop of each other over and over again crushing everything underneath but he warns her she cant stop the wheel but she insists "I'm going to break the wheel"very edgy and wont leave a power vacuum that will destroy the continent or anything
then we see master training his fighting slaves when Jorah walks up and he bricks it thinking this dude's come for revenge but he flicks him his coin back and says "you said whoever wins will fight at the Great Pit in front of the queen... I won" and the master snaps "you struck me" and Jorah shrugs "have me flogged if it makes you happy but I'm the best you've got, if I win at the Great Pit, how much can you sell me for?" and the master doesn't understand "you're a free man, you could have gone anywhere... why did you come back?" and Jorah steps forward with the mans guard tensing up and Jorah just says "let me fight for her and I belong to you" OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT A BETA ORBITER, HE'S LITERALLY ENSLAVING HIMSELF FOR HIS ONEITIS
then back in Cersis' cell the septa is tempting her with water again to confess and Cersei mutters "I'll get out of here you realize, before long" and she tries to bribe her and offers her being a lady of the court but the septa just keeps saying "confess" so Cersei switches to "or I can make sure you die in the most hideous way imaginable and all I do is sit here imagining hideous ways for you to die" and the septa simply pours out the water while smirking down at her and leaves leaving Cersei to pathetically slip the water off the muddy ground showing she'll do anything to survive I wish I was Cersei's secret isekai lover so I could tell her so many fun interesting ways to torture someone to death I'd tell her the legends of my homeland such as the holocaust and unit 731
then with Gilly and Sam she's treating his beating wounds again and he awkwardly asks her "how are you?" and when she jokes it off he says more confidently now "you know what I mean" and she admits to being a little scared but I'm sure she's used to being raped by now (although like Shae said in season 1 it's a bit of a retarded story for a woman to almost get raped and then jump into bed with her own savoir, but the writing has gotten so bad they are unironically doing the fiction trope they were making fun of before) and then there's a knock on the door and Sam grabs a knife but it's just Olly and Sam tries to tell him what happened was no big deal but Olly's a real enough nigga by now to know he's just trying to be nice and he's brought him some breakfast and does the polite version of the "leave us meme" so Gilly goes to check on the babby and Olly talks to Sam about Jon going to save wildlings who killed his people and Sam tries to explain they're at war but Olly reminds him his people were only farmers and Sam tries to explain again there's good and bad wildlings but Olly reminds him Tormund was the one who raided his village and Sam tells him "I've seen the White Walkers, and they're coming for us, for all the living, and when it's time... we'll need every last man we can find" but Olly doesn't trust letting the wildlings through and Sam reasons to the scowling boy that they'd be dead either way and explains a real man has to make tough choices that you know are right even though no one else understands and Olly seems to get what he's saying and asks "you believe that?" and Sam says "with all my heart" and he thinks about if he should trust Sam or be disappointed in him too and Sam assures him to trust Jon, he's known him for years and he always comes back from his crazy adventures
speaking of whomst we cut to Jon and Tormund in rowing boats coming from Stannis' huge fleet to a massive gathering of Wildlings filling up a tiny village waiting for evacuation like some Dunkirk shit except not shit and underpopulated like Nolan's movie
and Jon steps to ground with all these Eskimo looking guys and Tormund asks "you trust me Jon Snow?" and he asks "that make me a fool?" and Tormund sighs "we're fools together now" and goes to speak to the Lord of Bones we haven't seen since season 2 and he asks if Tormund is his prisoner now and mocks his men for being defeated by Stannis and Tormund ignores the bait and asks for time with his elders and Jon clarifies that they're allies now and the Bone Lord snaps "you fucking traitor! you fight for the crows now?" as the thousands of his men that surround them tense up and Tormund being an absolute mad lad squares up to him and but the Bone Lord asks "do you get down on your knees and suck his cock?" so TORMUND GRABS HIS STAFF FROM HIM, HITS HIM IN THE THROAT WITH ITS POINT, SMASHES HIM DOWN WITH THE HANDLE AND STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE BONE LORDS BACK AS HE CURLS UP ON THE GROUND YELPING AND ORDERS HIS MEN "GATHER THE ELDERS AND WE'LL TALK"
leaving the Bone Lord at least knocked out on the ground and maybe dead since there were some crunching sound effects oh shit, then in a big wooden meeting hall Jon introduces himself to the elders (who all convincingly speak English lmao) and acknowledges they're not friends and won't become friends today but this is about them putting a 700 foot wall between themselves and what's out there and there's a giant in there with them who's huffing away maybe trying to restrain themselves if they heard about the two that fell at The Wall and a wildling calls him out for not caring about them but Jon explains the White Walkers don't care if you're a crow or a free folk and this qt Eskimo girl says they can only run from the White Walkers but Jon hands over his bag showing her the dragonglass dagger and explains what they can do and promises to share these weapons, I guess from the sound effects and lines there are several dragonglass daggers Sam brought back, and he offers them to settle south of The Wall assuring them he knew Mance and he didn't want war for them but just peace and they'll give it to them as long as they team-up and when a leader asks what happened to Mance Jon gets awkward and admits "I put an arrow through his heart" and everyone freaks out and an elder suggests cutting Jon's eyes out but Tormund explains to them that Jon defied a cunt King's orders to save him from burning alive and they need that kind of courage to survive this shit and an elder woman who's actually young and hot says she lost half her family fighting the crows and Jon says he lost 50 brothers fighting Mance but they need to do this for their children right now and he warns them "no clan can stop them, the free folk can't stop them, the Night's Watch can't stop them and all the southern kings can't stop them... only together, all of us, and even then it might not be enough, but at least we'll give the fuckers a fight!" and the wildlings all stare at him like yeah maybe this guy is the protagonist after all
and the hot Eskimo chick asks Tormund if he vouches and he growls "he's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight, he's young, but he knows how to lead" and tells them they need each other and another leader says his ancestors would spit on him but the hot chick says "so would mine, but fuck em they're dead" and she walks up to Jon and says she'll never trust the crows but she trusts Tormund so agrees and another elder agrees if they stay there they're dead men and the giant growls down "Tormund" and a Thenn looking dude growls tells him to fuck off and warns Tormund they'll slit all their throats as soon as they get on the boats (even though there's thousands of them and literally 10 crows but ok duuuuuude) and storms out in a huff and the Eskimo lady tells Tormund "I fucking hate Thenns" and then outside the 5000 who are coming are getting on rowboats to evacuate and Jon whines about leaving too many behind but Tormund says they're stubborn folk and tells him it took Mance 20 fucking years to band them together but they're running out of food so will have to come around eventually (well... maybe the Thenn's don't have to worry about running out of food) and then the cute Eskimo woman puts her two daughters on the boat who are scared to leave without her but she sends them off saying she needs to put the old people on next, then inside the hall a giant is examining the dragonglass as the wildlings pack up the other daggers they were given and Jon's one remaining mate looks up at him and he growls down "the fuck you looking at?" in the Old Tongue™ according to the subtitles over the hardcoded subtitles and the m8, Edd I think his name is, bricks it and walks off but then he hears... all the dogs in the village start going apeshit... and the giant looks up too...
and Jon hears thunder rumbling in the distance... and everyone starts murmuring in anxiety as they look up to see... a huge snowstorm coming in over the hills... and just like Dunkirk there is even a clock ticking sound effect in the score (except this came out first so maybe Nolan ripped this scene off but forgot the to actually add lots of people to his movie about lots of people lmao)
and the Eskimo lady stops in her tracks as all the wildlings start panicking as it rumbles down the mountain and the Thenn leader warns them to shut the gate to the village as the massive crowd of wildlings rushes to escape and they all start trying to break down the gate but they barricade it shut and the blizzard starts coming in even at the shore as everything starts going white but then the massive crowd... suddenly stops shouting from behind the village walls amd the ticking stops... and the Thenn leader walks up confused as to how thousands of people just went silent and looks out through a crack and he hears distant screaming in the distance oh god I feel a jump scare coming on... out of the snowstorm A WOMAN RUNS OUT OF THE SNOW SCREAMING BUT IS KILLED BY A ZOMBIE THAT LUNGES AT HIS FACE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AND A WHOLE FLOOD OF THEM JOIN IT GARGLING AND TORMUND ORDERS THE WILDLINGS "READY YOUR ARROWS!" AS THE ZOMBIES START SMASHING AND HACKING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THE THENN LEADER HACKS ONES ARM OFF WITH HIS AXE AND THE WILDLINGS START SHOOTING THE ZOMBIES TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE WALL AND AT THE SHORE EVERYONE IS FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AND RUSHING THE BOATS AND JON IS TRYING TO GET THEM TO WAIT IN LINE BUT THERE'S NO WAY IN FUCK THEY'RE STAYING AND A SKELETAL WILDLING STARTS CLIMBING OVER THE WALL AND TORMUND SNIPES IT AND INSIDE THE HALL UH WHATS HIS NAME EDD AND THE GIANT AND THE OTHER MEN LOOK UP AT THE CEILING HEARING SNARLING ABOVE THEM AND SNOW DRIPPING OFF AND THE GIANT GROWLS AS HE SEES... DOZENS OF ZOMBIES POURING IN!!!
AND EDD SCREAMS AND RAISES HIS SWORD AS EVEN MORE ZOMBIES POUR IN OVER THE VILLAGE WALLS THAT ARCHERS RUSH TO TAKE OUT WITH HEADSHOTS BUT THEY JUST KEEP COMING BACK UP AND THE THENN TRIES TO BRACE THE DOOR BUT A SPEAR COMES THROUGH NARROWLY MISSING HIM AND HE HAS TO STAMP ON THE SKULL OF A SKELETON CRAWLING UNDER THE WALL and on the shore the Eskimo lady is trying to help a man to the boats but they're pulling out and people are jumping in the freezing water to try and get on board and Jon orders his man to get everyone to the ship and come back for him and he yells "you won't make it!" but he runs off telling the Eskimo woman to leave as everyone starts fighting over the few remaining boats but the Eskimo woman thinks they're fucked and even Jon's men will flee and Tormund turns up and insists "if they get through, everyone dies!" so JON DRAWS HIS SWORD AND ORDERS "NIGHT'S WATCH! WITH ME! MOVE! MOVE!" and his men all follow him through the rioting crowd all swarming the escape boats and
SKELETONS ARE SMASHING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WALL AND OUT OF NOWHERE ONE THROWS ITSELF DOWN ONTO AN ARCHER THAT HIS FRIENDS TRY TO GET OFF BUT WITH NO ONE LAYING DOWN ARROWS ON THE WALL MORE BREAK THROUGH AND START EATING THE ARCHERS ALIVE AND HACKING THEM APART WITH THEIR AXES WITH THE RAGE OF THE DEAD AND WE PAN UP TO SEE... AN ENTIRE ARMY OF ZOMBIES RUSHING THE VILLAGE WALLS!!!
AND THE ARCHERS PUT AN ARROW IN ONE'S HEAD BUT HE JUST KEEPS COMING OH FUUUCK AND JON RUNS INTO THE BATTLE TO RAM HIS SWORD STRAIGHT INTO ONE TRYING TO GET THROUGH A HOLE AND TORMUND SLASHES APART THE ONE WITH AN ARROW THROUGH ITS HEAD AND JON PINS THE ONE HE'S FIGHTING UP FOR AN ARCHER TO TRY AND HEADSHOT IT BUT IT KEEPS MISSING AND ALMOST HITTING JON
SO TORMUND RUNS UP SMASHING A SLEIGH OVER THE HOLE TO SEAL IT BUT THERE'S ANOTHER HOLE THEY'RE POURING THROUGH AND MASSACRING THE WILDLINGS AND THE THENN HACKS INTO ONE WITH HIS BATTLE AXE AND THE ESKIMO LADY RUNS THROUGH ONE, TWO AND A THIRD AND JON AND TORMUND LOOK UP AT THE HILL TO SEE... FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE WHITE WALKERS... JUST WATCHING THEM! AND THEY REALIZE THEY'RE INTELLIGENT AND EXECUTING PLANS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AND EVEN THE THENN BRICKS IT WHEN HE SEES WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING AT AND JON LOOKS DOWN AT THE VILLAGE HALL AND REALIZES "THE DRAGONGLASS!" AND THE THENN SCREAMS "YOU AND ME THEN!" AND TORMUND AGREES "GO!" AS HE STARTS HACKING THROUGH ZOMBIE FUCKERS AND JON STAGGERS THROUGH THE BLIZZARD AS WILDLINGS STRUGGLE TO HOLD THE WALLS AND A SKELETON RUNS STRAIGHT AT HIM SO HE CUTS IT IN HALF WITH HIS SWORD AS THE BATTLE VERSION OF THE THEME SONG STARTS UP AGAIN
AND HE HAS TO JUST RUN AROUND A DOGPILE OF WILDLINGS AND ZOMBIES TEARING EACH OTHER APART, DEFLECTS TWO MORE ATTACKERS AND GETS TO THE HALL JUST AS... THE GIANT BURSTS THROUGH THROWING A ZOMBIE AWAY AND ANOTHER JUMPS ON HIS BACK SO HE GRABS IT AND TEARS IT IN HALF!!!
AND THROWS ANOTHER AWAY AND STORMS FORWARD SMASHING ANOTHER WITH HIS BOOT AND JON RUNS INSIDE AS IT CRUSHES ANOTHER and Jon and the Thenn walk into this flaming building and see a figure through the fire and out from the smoke steps A WHITE WALKER!!! at least I think these guys are just the White Walkers and the zombies are not called that they're called Wytes or something
and they brick it as it looks around as if it doesn't even care they're there and the Thenn tells him "get the glass" and readies his axe and Jon charges in looking for the bag as THE THENN CHARGES THE WHITE WALKER WHO EFFORTLESSLY DODGES HIS AXE BLOWS AND THEN SLASHES IT WITH HIS FROZEN SPEAR... THAT TURNS THE THENN'S GLASS TO ICE, INSTANTLY SHATTERING IT!!! AND RUNS THE THENN THROUGH WITH IT!!!
so I guess the leaders have ice powers or some shit and Jon frantically searches for the dragonglass finally finding it but THE WHITE WALKER THROWS HIM ACROSS THE ROOM WITH HIS SWORD SPINNING OUTSIDE AND SLOWLY WALKS UP TO HIM BUT JON SPRINGS UP AND DODGES HIS SPEAR AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE TO NO EFFECT AND THE WHITE WALKER JUST SHOVES HIM OVER LIKE HE'S NOTHING AND JON RUNS UP INTO THE ATTIC AND GRABS A SWORD HE SWINGS AT THE WHITE WALKER WHO DODGES IT AND THEN BLOCKS IT WITH HIS SPEAR INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATING IT!!!
AND HE WHACKS JON BACK DOWN TO THE GROUND WITH IT'S HANDLE and he just stands there watching Jon struggle to get up to stumbles outside grabbing his sword and falls on his face into the blizzard as the White Walker thumps along after him and HE SWINGS HIS ICE SPEAR AT JON WHO... BLOCKS IT WITH HIS SWORD THAT HE CAN'T SHATTER!!! AND THE WHITE WALKER IS LIKE N-NANI?!
AND HE SWINGS AGAIN AT JON WHO DODGES AND JON SLASHES HIS SWORD STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WHITE WALKER MAKING HIM INSTANTLY BURST INTO TEN THOUSAND SHARDS OF ICE!!! GET FUUUUUUUCKED!!!
I guess the reveal here is Jon's 500 year old sword Jorah's dad gave him is actually dragonglass and Jon stands there in amazement and drops down to his knees exhausted as... THE WHITE WALKER KING LOOKS DOWN ON HIM FROM THE HILL studying this most successful enemy and Jon struggles to try and get up as TORMUND IS STILL GOING HAM CHOPPING ZOMBIES APART
but when she turns around.... ZOMBIE CHILDREN ARE WATCHING HER and an extremely distressing throbbing sound plays warping the soundtrack as she stands there in horror as
and Jon starts vomiting he was fighting so hard when Edd comes out of nowhere to pick him up and Jon mutters "the dragon glass!" but Edd screams "fuck the glass! we are gonna die here!" and they hear a horrible hissing sound from on top the hills and A HUGE ARMY OF SKELETONS THROWS THEMSELVES OFF THE HILLSIDE DOWN INTO THE VILLAGE LIKE A TSUNAMI OF UNDEAD CORPSES
that land in a crumpled heap at the bottom... BUT THEN THEY ALL ANIMATE AND SPRING UP LOL THEY WERE MERELY PRETENDING!!!! JUST A PRANK BRO!!! AND EDD IS LIKE "OH FUUUUAAAAAACK"
AND TORMUND THROWS HIS SWORD INTO A ZOMBIES HEAD AND IS FINALLY STARTING TO GET WINDED CHOPPING DOWN EVEN MORE BUT THEN HE LOOKS UP AS... THE VILLAGE WALL COLLAPSES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THOUSANDS OF ZOMBIES AND HE SCREAMS TO THE GIANT "WUN WUN! TO THE SEA!" AS AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES FLOODS TOWARDS THEM
AND WUN WUN GRABS A FLAMING TREE TRUNK AND STARTS WHACKING ZOMBIES AWAY WITH IT TO COVER THE THREE HUMANS ESCAPE BUT THEY'RE ALL AROUND THEM SO HE SMASHES MORE OUT THE WAY SLAMMING THE TRUNK DOWN SO HARD IT SHATTERS
and the White Walker King just looks down as his forces scream after the four surviving fighters and finally get to the dock with the last remaining rowboat and they scream to "run! run! go go!" as they pile in... and Wun Wun realizes he can't fit... SO HE GRABS ANOTHER LOG AND STARTS SMASHING INTO THE ENTIRE ARMY SWARMING HIM AND THE HUMANS WATCH HIM BEING COVERED BY ZOMBIESS AS PEOPLE ARE EATEN ALIVE ALL AROUND HIM AND HE WADES INTO THE SEA TEARING THEM OFF OF HIMSELF AS HE TRIES TO WALK OUT TO THE SHIPS
and once everyone's dead... THE WHITE WALKER KING slowly walks along the pier and stares out to the sea looking Jon dead in the eyes and he turns to look at his forces and Jon looks over the shore at how there's thousands of zombies and thousands of dead wildlings and THE WHITE WALKER KING RAISES HIS ARMS LIKE "COME AT ME BRO"
and there's a creepily silent shot of their boat slowly drifting out to sea as the creepy sloshing sound effects play over the credits, well that was dank as hell and really well done action horror which is a tone so many movies can't get right where it just ends up being silly and goofy like the Resident Evil movies or the Doom movie and it's funny how fucking much better this zombie content is than The Walking Dead which has never had a good siege scene in it's fucking 9 years of air time but this is just a side story of GoT I guess it looks so good kinda like how the T-Rex in JP still holds up because it's obsecured by it being at night with harsh weather conditions to hide any dodgy CGI and I'm glad that after loads of scenes of just talking about the White Walkers coming... they actually fucking do lmao, also a little micro-theme that I really like is some characters are arguing and won't work together but then the real nigga shit kicks off and they immediately start working together out of being forced to confront the reality of their situation like how the Thenn tells Jon to fuck off but then a minute later are wading into a burning building together it helps with the show's theme of people's ideas clashing with reality except in a sort of nice way of enemies realizing they need to work together rather than how it usually goes in this edgy setting where it's the opposite
Game of Thrones 5x09: "The Dance of Dragons" *teleports 20 good men behind ur camp* nothin perrsonal king special edition
First aired: June 7, 2015
we open on Stannis camp that's frozen to shit and the Red Lady is doing he autistic thing of staring at fire when she suddenly turns around as if she saw something in it and she looks over to see THE TENTS BURST INTO FLAMES!!! AND FIRES START ALL OVER THE CAMP!!!
then the next morning Davos is telling his boss "a band of 20 men, maybe less, they were in and out before anyone spotted them, they burnt our food stores to the ground, all our siege weapons destroyed, dozen of tents" and Stannis wants to know the "horses" and Davos says "hundreds are dead" and Stannis asks "20 men rode into our camp without a single guard sounding the alarm?" and Davos explains "the northerners know more about their land than we ever will" and Stannis orders "put last night's guards in chains, either they fell asleep or they conspired with the enemy, find out the truth and then hang them" and Davos warns him they can't press on now and don't have enough food to go back to Castle Black and Stannis insists on not giving up and Davos cant understand if they cant march forward or back what are they gonna do and he looks over at his wife and child but Stannis just tells him "have the dead horses butchered for meat" as if Davos cares more about his family than he does ok... that was... that was the stupidest fucking thing I've seen on this show yet... they literally point out like how the fuck did Ramsay and 20 guys sneak in at all... HOW THE FUCK DID 20 MEN KILL 100 HORSES? WOULDN'T THEY, YOU KNOW, MAKE A LOT OF NOISE BEING FUCKING BURNT ALIVE? HOW DOES DAVOS EVEN KNOW IT WAS 20 MEN IF NO ONE SAYS THEY SAW THEM? IF LE 20 GOOD MEN CAN SNEAK INTO AN ARMY'S CAMP AND COMPLETELY DISABLE IT AND ESCAPE THEN WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE DO THIS IN EVERY WAR EVER? THIS IS THE MOST GARY STU SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN, RAMSAY JUST TELEPORTS INTO HIS ENEMY'S ARMY AND KILLS A HUNDRED HORSES AND SETS FIRES WITH HIS PYROMANCY AND TELEPORTS OUT?!?! FUCK OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!this is really rustling since other than the sort of typical heroes adventure shit Jon is on I only really care about the Reek and Ramsay storyline anymore since the King's Landing shit turned into babby's first politics, the Dorne storyline is completely quarantined from it and is also an extremely shallow revenge story, the most interesting characters like Varys and Tyrion immediately got boring after being anywhere near shit writing central Dany, the fun characters like CIA and Brie are doing fuck all nothing and Arya went from fun with The Hound to contrived and silly with le shapeshifting assassin cults which leaves just Ramsay and the story around him but he's so fucking Gary Stu'd where every character around him needs to become fucking stupid for him to succeed (Yara wasting months sailing around the continent for nothing, most dangerous power player in the country CIA magically knows nothing about him, Sansa trusts the clearly mindbroken man she thinks betrayed her family and murdered her brothers with her only chance at escape and now Stannis entire army including the fucking horses go into stand-by mode for him to dismantle everything)
then with Jon he is marching through his namesake back to The Wall with a massive group of wildlings and Wun Wun and Tormand gives a signal for them to halt and it seems he has his two daughters with him he comforts and Alliser is on The Wall and looks down at the 500 wildlings with all the other men up there ready to defend it if they have to and Jon steps forward and Alliser's lip twitches like he's legit scared Jon will doom them all but he forces himself to order "open the gates" and a man glares daggers at him that they're letting half a thousand wildlings stream through the defence they've been trying to keep them out for millennia
and he's told Sam what happened who tries to point out he saved all these people entirely because of him, saying "you didn't fail him, or him, or her, every one of them is alive because of you" which is a nice way to look at things, even if in the big picture it's hopeless, you can still make a difference to an individual, but Jon just points to the glaring Watchmen giving him death stares saying "I don't think that facts lost on them" and then all the Night's Watchmen fucking brick it as Wun Wun crawls out of the tunnel and he gives Jon a knowing look like they have an understanding one way or another now like only men who've seen heavy combat together can and Sam looks up in amazement but then slips away as Alliser comes up so he doesn't even need to do the "leave us" meme to him and he warns him "you have a good heart Jon Snow... it'll get us all killed" and just walks off like an edgy prick
then on a war map Stannis is staring at the pieces for his army and Roose's getting close together and Davos turns up for him to order him to go to Castle Black to order Jon to send supplies in return for having all the men he wants once he's King but Davos says the Hand never abandons the King in time of war and Stannis claims he needs someone more convincing than some messenger boy (interesting to note how everyone has their own styles of being manipulative but Davos is just to not be a dickhead like everyone else and talk sense in to people lol) but I think the real reason is he wants Davos gone since he know's he's the only one who'd be able to stop him doing a certain fucked up thing and I think he can sense that so asks for his wife and daughter to come with him but Stannis turns him down and he bargains to at least take Shireen but Stannis coldly says "my family stays with me"
then outside his men are freezing their fucking ballbags off and some of them are coughing and clearly unwell as they shiver to get some cold as fuck soup and Davos walks past them to Shireen's tent who's reading a book about a man who tried to slay a dragon by using a mirrored shield to make the dragon think it was looking at another dragon but all it saw was "a dumb man with a polished shield" "and burnt him to a crisp" and they both chuckle at the legend which kind of goes along with the theme of the whole show of peoples dumb ideas clashing with reality which I have to admit I appreciate despite how edgy it is but here's a uh slightly different version of the legend
and Davos gives Shireen this extremely well made toy stag and she gives him a peck on the cheek in thanks and she can tell something's going on and asks why she's getting a present and he says in thanks for teaching him how to read because he regrets not listening to his son trying to get him to learn all his life and he thanks her "for teaching me how to be a grown up" as he can tell this might be the last time they see each other one way or another and he tells her he wants to hear more stories about dragons when he gets back but she jokes "read it yourself" and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and leaves
then in Dorne Jaime is being marched in by Triple B to talk with Elly, Doran, Myrcella and Trysten and Jaime sees his daughter is dressed in a revealing shirt and deadpans "what a lovely dress" and she realizes "you don't like it?" taunting her "uncle" and Jaime quips "you must be cold" and she smugly says "not at all, the Dornish climate agrees with me" and he just asks her boyfriend "how's the law?" and he snaps back "a fleabite" and he starts arguing with the adults about what the fuck he's doing there and he tells Doran about the death threat and Myrcella confirms her necklace is missing and Doran glares at Elly knowing it was her and Doran says lots of people want Jaime beheaded but he's adamant he wont take his people to war since he's seen it and can't do that to his people making him by far the best ruler in the show so far and Elly bitches "no you want to break bread with the Lannisters" which reminds me of libshit brainlets saying Trump shouldn't try to make peace with North Korea at all and Doran insists they drink to Tommen as he might not like Jaime coming in there on some dumbass mission but insists on peace and Elly being an absolute cunt just slowly pours out her wine on the ground to show her disrespect for his family and Doran asks if Tommen insists on his sisters return and Mycella glares at Jaime not wanting him to ruin her life so Doran comes to a great compromise that he'll obey his King but Prince Trysten can go with her to marry her which makes everyone other than his clearly unhinged retard moron sister-in-law happy but Doran ain't no pushover and knows how to leverage someone since as soon as Jaime happily accepts he adds that since his brother was on Tywin's Small Counsel then Trystane should take his place to keep Dorne in the fold and Jaime just wants his daughter safe so agrees much to Elly's rustlement and she snaps at her brother-in-law "no wonder you can't stand, you have no spine!" and goes to march out but Doran grabs her wrist and tells her "you are mother to four of my nieces, girls I love very much, for their sake I hope you live a long and happy life, speak to me that way again and you wont" and she just snatches her arm away and storms out, hmm I wonder how many of the Sand Snakes, which I think Oberyn mentioned there were 8 of them, are hers, and if there are any of his bastard daughters that didn't want to become cringy assassins and if he had any sons and what they get up to, and Jaime asks about Bronn and Doran asks how they punish a commoner who strikes a prince in King's Landing and Jaime quips "he said it was just a fleabite" and Doran glares at him for having his son be assaulted so Jaime takes the blame knowing he can't do anything that bad to him so Doran lets Trysten decide what to do (he should make him leave his golden hand behind lmao) and Trysten glares at Jamie and agrees to let Bronn free... on one condition
and in the cells the two sisters who aren't Obara are playing that dumb game amerievil kids play where you hold your hands out to each other and try to slap them to see who's faster and the short haired one is getting annihilated by the asian one and teases her that she "must love humiliation or pain" oh my and she slaps her sister extra hard and asks "which do you love most, humiliation or pain?" yeah ok GRRM is definitely wanking as he writes this shit and I guess they have some fucked up version where it's more an endurance test as the short haired girl is not even trying to move her hands away as her sister slaps her hands taunting "ooh that one hurt didn't it? you going to cry? give up little sister" but her sister starts trying to mindfuck he saying "you're going to miss, you're thinking too much, now you're nervous, what if she's right?" and the asian one swings angrily, telegraphing her move, and her little sister dodges, probably having just letting her keep hitting her to lul her into a false sense of security to get her to miss even once, wow great job, and the asian one laughs "luck" and refuses to go next as she's too slow so HER SISTER SLAPS HER ON THE FACE AND BLOWS A KISS AT HER
and the asian one (I can't look up their names because as soon as I see a past tense verb or whatever around it I'll know if they die or not lmao fuck english) but she just smiles at her and they go to fight but then Triple B turns up to open Bronn's cell and he quips "am I going to be happy at the end of this walk?" and Triple B growls "you'll find out very soon" and the short haired one taunts Bronn "say it one more time hansom, who am I?" and Bronn gives in and sighs "the most beautiful woman in the world" and she calls after "and that's the truth!" and Obara growls "slut" at her sister, ok that was kind of a cute scene but kind of makes you think if they're that playful and juvenile they have only ever really been training and haven't seen much combat yet unless they're completely mental, maybe that's why their fighting was so shit because they've only ever trained and that was their first real mission, who am I kidding it's just that they're dumb characters lmao and Triple B brings in Bronn to the fancy meeting room and he apologizes to Trystane knowing he's at his mercy and Jaime tells him he's agreed to let him go and Bronn tries to smile cheerily and talk about how the pie looks good lul but Jaime adds "there was one condition" and he looks up as THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD ELBOWS BRONN IN THE NOSE as Trysten watches satisfied lmao I thought it was going to be the Sand Snakes have to accompany them to bodyguard the prince or something and Bronn would be rustled he has to work with the women who were kicking his ass
then in Braavos Arya is doing the OYSTERS CLAMS AND CUCKOLDS meme again even though I am pretty sure he said she'd be appearing as a different girl this time and a creeper comes up and asks "how much for your little clam?" and she stays in character and, well, clams up but as soon as they leave she notices the dodgy life insurance guy and moron Arya only now takes out the vile of poison now that she's in public with loads of witnesses and she hesitates as the thin man waves her over to buy some oysters but she looks straight past him at, oh shit, LORD MANCE TYRELL AND SER MYRIN TRANT ARE ARRIVING and she completely ignores the target yelling at her to get over there as she finally has an opportunity to scratch one of her names off her list since somehow she knows that Ser Myrin Trant is one of the ones to betray Ned but not CIA for some reason even though it was in the same room I guess at some point someone told her the City Guard would be loyal to him or something and were evidently not and she watches as the ginger (((Banker))) welcomes Mance to "the Free City of Braavos" which I guess implies they don't allow slavery and awkwardly shakes his hand as if he doesn't like touching other people and is just holding his finger rips and Mance prattles on promising him the best wine he's got but the Banker tries to endure him patting his shoulder and tells him "I'm sorry to say but I don't partake"
and Mance tries very sloppily to undermine the Banker by talking about how (((usery))) is sometimes seen as immoral but he of course thinks that's nonsense but the Banker has heard all sorts of negotiation tactics and isn't bothered and just listens to Mance prattle on about how loaning with interest was once almost punished by cutting off your hands in Westeros and the Banker just quips "unfortunate for the glovers" as he always sees things from a business angle and Myren looks directly at Arya fiddling with her cuckolds but is too dumb to realize it's her and looks away as her acting skills are paying off and as Mance now clumsily tries to get in the Banker's good graces by saying without interest it's a bad gamble as you can't gain from it but only lose and the Banker informs him "we are not gamblers here at (((the Iron Bank))) Lord Tyrell" and Mance switches to trying to suck up him saying all the bets they won built them this and points up in respect to their huge building, then later that day Arya is eating her cuckolds while waiting for Mance and his party to leave the bank and when he does he's obnoxiously singing to the poor Banker who leans back away from him trying to hide his annoyance and he gives Trant a glance like is he always like this and Trant just looks around for threats ignoring them
then later in an alley at dusk Trant is bitching to his men about Mance's singing ranting "The Tyrells can all rot in hell, treasonous cunts! they were going to make that boy-fucker Renly king!" WOAH WOAH WOAH I THOUGHT IT WAS HELLS PLURAL BECAUSE THERE WERE SEVEN OF THEM? NICE FORGETTING YOUR OWN CANON LMAOOOOO and then they arrive at a brothel (are we gonna see Arya go undercover as a whore lmaoooo) and Trent memes about how he'll buy but not share as the two men sigh at each other and Arya does infiltrate... with her tray of seafood and the pimp tries to get her to leave but a working girl calls her over as she's heard oysters get the juices going (this line sent me on a google hole of reading that Casanova used to eat 50 a day to keep his libido up, was recently proven right by science, and I read about him escaping prison and witnessing the last drawing and quartering of someone in France where he talked about how it was so horrible he had to look away and he only pretended to believe the executioners who excused it by saying they didn't feel sorry for him since he deserved it but really he knew their hearts had been hardened by now which reminded me of this show and all the brainlets who've never been in a fight say violence is no big deal because people used to see extreme violence in person all the time but even back then the witnesses knew it was fucking horrible and only people traumatized by doing it too much could stand it) and the john shows off by overpays her with some silver as Arya cuts open their oysters with a knife and she sneaks into the back where Trent is having a girl spin around for him but he decides "too old" and oooh I think I remember this edgy shit from when I saw the next episode when it came out one of Trent's guards smiles at him as the madame calls out "Brea" to dance for him but he says again "too old" and the madame clenches up as she realizes whats going on and calls out "Anara" a teenage girl with pigtails but Trent still says "too old" and the madame nods her away and Trent insists "do you have what I want or not?" and the madame leaves but then one of the Lannister soldiers appears behind Arya and takes a clam off of her and tells her to go serve his men, hopefully not in that way, and Arya looks shook as he pulls her in to see Trent and the other guard buys some oysters from her as his mate tells him "nothing better for your cockstand!" and Trent eyes Arya as if he almost recognizes her but then the madame comes back and yells at Arya to leave, no doubt for her own sake as she's realized what Trent is into and once she leaves she brings in.... a girl of only about 12, and Trent gasps and his two guards look at him like uuuuhhhhh really and Trent goes "good" and the madame hands the girl an hour glass but Trent growls "I'll tell you when we're done" and hands it back and goes off with the little girl but asks "you'll have a fresh one for me tomorrow?" and the madame says "of course" but then catches Arya spying on them again and yells at her she'll have her whipped if she doesn't get out so let me get this straight MERYN TRANT IS A PEDOPHILEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 102 I guess that explains why he was fine with beating 13 year old Sansa whenever Joffrey told him, or maybe that's where he got his fetish I seem to remember he has, but this is uhhhhhh seems a bit lazy writing, like just to really make sure you know this dude is bad he's a nonce and don't worry for when Arya fucks him up but he's got literally no redeeming qualities at all and is never implied to even have a family or friends then at the temple of the Many-Faced God Jaqen is helping an old man take his poison as they say the meme phrase to each other respectfully and as he sits down to die he goes to talk to Arya who lies "the thin man wasn't hungry" and he jokes drily "perhaps that is why a man is thin" and Arya promises "tomorrow" as the old man thuds down dead in the background and Jaqen gives her le furtive look as he can tell she's lying as she walks up to the dead man to take him away
then in Dorn Doran is telling Elly she has to swear allegiance to him or die as Triple B stands behind her with the three Sand Snakes in handcuffs and she stares at him super hurt he wont avenge his brother with her but realizes she has no choice and kneels down and kisses his wring as the three Sand Snakes cringe at their mother/mentor giving in and probably especially to a ugh male and Elly cries as Doran warns her "I believe in second chances... I don't believe in third chances" and we see Jaime trying to write with his left hand as Elly turns up and taunts him "you write like a 7 year old" and she gossips about how the maester who agreed to copy it over for him would usually make him pay and they discuss Myrcella but Elly drops that she knows he's in love with his sister but says she doesn't disapprove as she had a love for Oberyn that King's Landing looked down on too but in Dorne no one cares and points out 100 years ago no one would care about him either if his name was Targyrian (I have never and will never learn how to spell that name) and tells him seemingly genuinely "it's always changing who we're supposed to love and who we're not, the only thing that stays the same is that we want who we want" she's right there's literally nothing wrong with incest and maybe she's just playing the long game or has really given up and tells him she knows his daughter, oh shit, had nothing to do with Oberyn and maybe he's innocent to and walks off leaving Jaime concerned and confused
then in Shireen's tent she's playing with her new stag toy when Stannis comes to spend time with her and awkwardly asks what she's reading and she says she's reading about Aegon and his half-sister fighting for control of Westeros, I guess that's why Aemon tapped out since lil Egg was turning on another sibling, and as she talks about how both thought they deserved the Iron Throne brothers fought brothers and dragons fought dragons she smiles like it's just an interesting history lesson but Stannis stares of coldly as he knows that applies to what he's doing and aint very fun but then Shireen gets serious and says "by the time it was over thousands were dead" and tells him the Targ's didn't recover either and Stannis grumbles doesn't make much sense to call it a dance of dragons then and she's like "I think it's poetic" it's like pottery it rhymes and Stannis shifts uncomfortably as he finds himself asking his 12 year old daughter for advice asking who she'd choose between Rhaenyra and Aegon, probably relating to one of them and Roose with the other, probably with Aegon if he was the Mad King, god I need to look this up, ok the Mad King, Dany's father, was Aegon's fucking grandchild, so Aemon probably really was 100 years old, and it also says on the wiki that DANY'S MOTHER WAS HER FATHER'S SISTER which explains a lot if she's literally got the same incest-autism as Joffrey that makes them extremely megalomaniacal and is gonna be a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 9 from me fam, anyway Shireen says the wokest thing said so far "I wouldn't choose either, it's all the choosing sides that made everything so horrible" and Stannis mutters "sometimes a person has to choose.... sometimes the world forces his hand.... if a man knows what he is... and remains true to himself... a choice is no choice at all... he must fullfill his destiny.... and become who he is meant to be.... however much eh may hate it" and Shireen can tell he's struggling and says "it's alright father" and he calls her out "you don't even know what I'm talking about" but Shireen assures him "it doesn't matter, I want to help you, is there any way I can help?" and Stannis starts breathing heavily and looks at her in the eyes and sits there in silence and says "yes there is" and she instantly says "I'd love to, I'm the Princess Shireen of House Baratheon and I'm your daughter" and Stannis force himself to look her in the eyes again as she hugs him and he closes his eyes and steels himself and then whispers "forgive me" as we see.... Shireen being taken out into the snow holding her toy stag... and all the men are lining up and gathering to watch... as four guards... TAKE SHIREEN TO A PYRE... AND THE RED LADY WALKS OUT... and Shireen clocks what's happening and demands "where's my father? I want to see my father!" and this fucking cunt smirks and says "it will all be over soon Princess" and she shakes her head but the guards grab her and take this crying girl to the pyre and starts strapping her in place and she cries and begs to see her father but... Stannis walks out, and his freak wife tells him "it's what the lord wants, it's a good thing, a great thing" as their daughter begs for mercy and the Red Lady starts giving a prayer and Stannis tries to steele himself and his wife notices and assures him that they'll starve without this sacrifice to Allah and Stannis closes his eyes and really gets his noggin joggin firing up that 200 IQ big brain of his to calculate that he's definately making the right decision and this isn't just extremely bad writing from two hacks who don't know what to do with this character now they've run out of book material to adapt
and Shireen sees her mother and cries for her (even though she's standing right next to her father who she trusts way more?) and her mother seems to bottle it or at least want to leave but Stannis assures her "there's no other way she has king's blood" and Shireen finally yells to Stannis "PLEASE! FATHER PLEASE!" as the Red Lady does the "for the night is dark and full of terrors" meme
AND HER MOTHER BOTTLES IT AND LOOKS TO STANNIS WHO DOESN'T REACT SO SHE RUSHES THE FLAMING PYRE BUT THE GUARDS GRAB HER AND STOP HER FROM HELPING HER DAUGHTER AS SHE BEGS "PLEASE MOTHER PLEASE! DONT DO THIS! PLEASE! NOOOOOAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE" AS STANNIS LET'S THE RED LADY BURN HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE AND HIS WIFE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND CRIES "NOOOAAAAGGHHH" AS SHE SEES HER ONLY CHILD BURNT TO DEATH
ok..... THIS IS NOW THE NEW STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW... THERE IS NO WAY IN FUCK STANNIS WOULD EVER DO THIS TO HIS OWN DAUGHTER, HE EVEN AGREED TO SPARE HIS BASTARD NEPHEW HE'D NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE AND CLEARLY LOVES HIS DAUGHTER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, ABSOLUTE FUCKING DOGSHIT now I get that this is a metaphor for religious extremism and he's been slowly indoctrinated by the Red Lady getting him to sacrifice more and more people until he's used to it but IT'S NOT A METAPHOR BECAUSE HER RELIGION IS LITERALLY REAL WITHIN THE TEXT OF THE STORY SO IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH FAITH AND IS JUST ANOTHER UTALITARIAN DECISION FOR POWER and I get that maybe you're also meant to think that it's for like the morale boost for his faithful men or something but IT'S FUCKING REAL WITHIN THE STORY SO IT DOESN'T MATTER about manipulating other people's faith or whatever and I can see Stannis doing some shit like... his wife clearly can't carry a child to term but maybe they think of some loophole where like if he knocks her up with a babby then they can sacrifice that child... as long as it's alive within her, so he gets her pregnant and just before she gets to the stage where she usually miscarriages they put her on a flaming pyre so technically they're sacrificing the living fetus within her or some shit, since he clearly doesn't love his wife as much as his daughter, but this is fucking retarded and clearly out of character for this loving father to do, and it's not even good villain material for the Red Lady, because she's not fucking with this dudes head so much he'd kill his own daughter for her and she'd do this just to get him and his men even more enthralled by her, SHE IS LITERALLY DOING ACTUAL MAGIC WITHIN THE FICTIONAL UNIVERSE absolute fucking dogshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
then speaking of shit writing in the Great Arena or whatever we pan over a statue of Sargon of Akkad in his legendary battle with the champion of the SJWs for the right to say the n-word and see Dany has gotten too lazy to take down the harpy statues, a religion still not explained, so has just had their faces smashed in like some ISIS shit and in this collusium there are thousands of people watching four horses being riden around each other
and Daario guards Dany, Tyrion and Missy as they watch from the front row VIP spots with her looking rather concerned at the crowd of masters cheering excitedly to see poor men die and then Hizzy turns up claiming "just making sure everything is in order" as Jorah's master walks into the arena and signals for everyone to shit up and he speaks in Valyrian welcoming their Queen to the Great Games and everyone cheers... may the odds forever be in your favor and then he introduces their first round which is SOME BARGAIN BIN THE MOUNTAIN VS. OBERYN SHIT, WHO WILL TRIUMPH: THE STRONG, OR THE QUICK?
and both men announce they fight and die for Dany's glory which makes her uncomfortable as their master I-I mean uhhhh pimp? and everyone sits there in silence as Hizzy tells her "they're waiting for you, clap your hands" and Dany very tentatively realizes she's starting the fight and forces herself to clap and THE CROWD CHEERS AS THE TWO MEN START DUELLING TO THE DEATH WITH THE QUICK MAN DODGING THE STRONG MAN'S HUGE SWORD SWINGS AND ROLLING OUT THE WAY BEFORE BLOCKING HIS STRIKES AND SLASHING HIS BACK and Daario leans in and chuckles "the smaller man, no question, that's where you should put your money" and Tyrion quips "smaller man it is" but Hizzy informs him Kings or Queens never bet on the games "perhaps you should go find someone who does" a bit jealous he's more intimate with Dany than he'll ever be despite being about to marry her and Daario just stands there memeing at him about how people used to bet on him against bigger opponents and Hizzy says that's not how it usually goes and Dany calls him out "has your experience ever involved any actual fighting? you? yourself? have you ever tried to kill a man who was trying to kill you?" while raising her eyebrows super high and he gets pwnt being the beta male he is as Daario stats ranting again about how fast he is while spinning a dagger in his face obnoxiously and regaling Dany about how he could beat any big muscly beast because he had more brains as THE STRONG MAN BEHEADS THE QUICK MAN ON HIS FEET AND ROARS TO THE CHEERING CROWD AS HIS BODY STAYS STANDINGlmao rekt manlet bitch
and Hizzy gives Daario a smug smirk sending him awkwardly away realizing that dude could have probably killed him too and Hizzy notices Tyrion is uncomfortable and he explains there's already enough death in the world and Hizzy says some edgy shit asking "what great thing has ever been accomplished without killing or cruelty?" and Dany gets mad at her fiance talking like that and Tyrion says some pretentious shit basically calling him out as talking about his own life and Dany calls him out asking "THAT is greatness?" as she watches the crowd cheer as servants drag out the dead body and hold the head up for them to see and he insists it's a vital part of the great city of Meereen that will outlive them all and Tyrion gives the worse insult "my father would have liked you" and the crowd cheers as the master comes out again and Dany threatens Meereen could return to the dirt to if she needed to command it and the master proposes WHO WILL TRIUMPH: THE MEEREENESE CHAMPION? OR A DOTHRAKI?oh I guess they got a new Champion since the guy Daario beheaded lmao and Hizzy points out many men would die, and Dany fires back they'd die for a good reason, and Hizzy points to the fighters and says they think they're dying for a good reason, and Dany corrects "someone else's reason" and Hizzy mocks "so your reasons are true and theirs are false? they dont know their own minds but you do?" and Tyrion memes that "eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles" and I guess it's more than two fighting because the master then introduces OR A WESTEROSI KNIGHT? and Dany looks down to see JORAH PLEDGING TO FIGHT AND DIE FOR HER HONOR beside a shirtless hippy man and a black dude
and Dany looks down in disbelief that this absolute incel is at it again and Hizzy leans in but Daario snaps "shut ya mouth" as Dany is having a moment staring at Jorah deciding to let him have his way and see if he can fight for her honor so without hesitation DANY CLAPS STARTING THE FIGHT TO THE DEATH and the five men including a sixth who's some generic fighter guy I guess all spread out warming themselves up as the audience gets hyped up and THE FIGHTING BEGINS WITH THE BLACK DUDE CHARGING JORAH WITH HIS HALBERD WITH THE DOTHRAKI FIGHTING THE GENERIC GUY AND THE CHAMPION FIGHTING THE HIPPY
AND THE BLACK GUY STARTS WHACKING JORAH IN THE BALLS WITH HIS HANDLE AND THEN BUTTS HIM IN THE MOUTH SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE SENDING HIM FALLING OVER AND HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL BUT JORAH DEFLECTS HIS BLADE, KICKS HIM AWAY AND TRIES TO ATTACK HIMSELF BUT THE BLACK DUDE DODGES AND WHACKS HIS SWORD AWAY
SO JORAH TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND SLASHES THE POLEARM OUT OF HIS HANDS AND THE BLACK GUY GRAPPLES WITH JORAH PUTTING HIM IN AN ARMLOCK AS THE GENERIC GUY RUNS THROUGH THE DOTHRAKI WITH HIS RAPIER
AND JORAH KICKS THE BLACK DUDES LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND RAMS HIS DAGGER STRAIGHT INTO HIS HEART AS BLOOD LEAKS OUT OH SHIIIIT AND HE LOOKS UP AT DANY LIKE LET ME ORBIT YOU AGAIN M'LADY!!!!
AND HE GETS HIS SWORD BACK AND WALKS UP TO THE RAPIER GUY WHO FLIPS HIS OWN SWORD AROUND SUPER FANCY FOR THE CROWD AND STARTS DUELLING JORAH AND EASILY SLITS HIS CHEEK OPEN AND DANY GASPS IN FEAR AS THE RAPIER GUY SLITS JORAH'S THIGH, ROLLS OUT THE WAY OF HIS SWING AND JABS HIM HARD IN HIS ARMORED CHEST SENDING HIM GASPING IN PAIN AND THE CROWD STANDS UP TO CHEER AS THEIR CITY'S CHAMPION SPEARS THE SHIRTLESS HIPPY DUDE
AND THE RAPIER GUY SWORDBUTTS JORAH IN THE FACE AS THE CROWD CHEER IT'S PAST THE HALFWAY POINT AND JORAH TRIES TO KEEP UP BLOCKING THE RAPIER GUYS ATTACKS BUT HE'S JUST TOO FAST AND GETS A SLASH IN ON HIS ARM AND FLICKS HIS FACE AGAIN WITH HIS TIP SENDING HIM FLYING BACK ONTO THE GROUND AND THE CROWD SCREAM FOR HIM AS HE HOLDS JORAH AT RAPIER POINT NOT LETTING HIM PICK UP HIS SWORD AS HE DECIDES HOW TO KILL HIM
AND TYRION TELLS DANY "YOU CAN END THIS!" BUT HIZZY INSISTS "SHE CANNOT" AND DANY STRUGGLES WITH HER TELLTALE STYLE BINARY CHOICE AS THE CROWD CHANTS FOR THE RAPIER GUY TO KILL JORAH BUT... THE CHAMPION STABS HIM FROM BEHIND!!! NOTHIN PERSONEL KID!!!
AND THE CROWD ALL LAUGH AT HIS COCKINESS GETTING HIM KILLED AS THE CHAMPION WALKS AWAY LETTING JORAH GET UP AND PICK HIS SWORD UP AND JORAH NODS HIM HIS THANKS FOR LETTING HIM KEEP FIGHTING AND DANY SETTLES DOWN HOPING JORAH CAN WIN AND THE CHAMPION STARTS TWIRLING HIS SPEAR SUPER FAST AT JORAH DEFLECTING HIS SWORD AND SLAPPING HIM BUT JORAH DUCKS UNDER IT AND GRABS IT AND SWINGS HIS SWORD AROUND BUT THE CHAMPION DODGES IT AND GETS HIS ARM IN A LOCK WITH IT
AND BUT JORAH WONT LET GO OF THE SPEAR UNTIL HE SHOVES HIM OFF OF IT ONTO THE GROUND AND THE CHAMPION CHARGES TO SKEWER HIM BUT JORAH GRABS THE SPEAR HOLDING THE TIP JUST AS IT'S ABOUT TO HIT HIM AND KICKS THE GUY AWAY WHO LETS HIM GET BACK UP AND THE CROWD BOO AT THEM PROLONGING IT AND THE GUY CHARGES BUT JORAH DOES A FORWARD ROLL UNDER HIS SPEAR AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO THE GUYS STOMACH!!! NO ONE CAN STOP JORAH WHEN THE RAGE OF THE CUCKED FRIENDZONER FLOWS THROUGH HIM!!!
and the crowd all gasp in shock and then boo Jorah for defeating their champion who hunches over dying painfully on the ground with his sword still stuck through him and Jorah looks up at Dany for approval but then JORAH THROWS THE SPEAR AT DANY...
and Daario takes out his sword as he sees people in the crowd standing up with harpy masks and the crowd start screaming in fear as he orders "protect your queen!" to the unsullied as THE HARPIES START KNIFING EVERYONE IN THE CROWD KILLING SCORES OF CIVILIANS!!! OH SHIT!!!
AS EVERYONE FLEES IN TERROR AND DAARIO STARTS FIGHTING A HARPY WITH A SPEAR SLASHING HIS CHEST WITH HIS SICKLE AND DANY WATCHES HER UNSULLIED KILLING THE HARPIES BUT THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM THAT START DOGPILING THEM AS DAARIO KILLS ANOTHER AND HIZZY SEES HIM LOOKING AT HIM SO HE YELLS "YOUR GRACE, COME WITH ME, I KNOW A WAY OUT!" BUT A HARPY STABS HIM IN THE CHEST!!! OH FUGGG!!! AND DAARIO CUTS HIM DOWN BEFORE HE CAN GET AT DANY AND JORAH CLIMBS UP AND KILLS ANOTHER
and he just looks at Daario like "we good bro?" and Daario looks back like "what spy thing homie fuck it duuuuude" and he walks up to Dany and offers her his hand in this sea of complete carnage like he'd spend however long in hell for her and she takes his hand as he escorts her down off the VIP platorm
with her giving Hizzy's corpse one last glance, ok I guess he wasn't in on it lmao, what a useless character that did nothing, and Tyrion cowars behind a pillar and Missy does too but when A HARPIE COMES AT MISSY... TYRION STABS HIM IN THE BACK AND SLITS HIS FUCKING THROAT WITH A KNIFE
AND TAKES HER DOWN INTO THE FIGHTING PIT AS THE HARPIES AND THE UNSULLIED SLAUGHTER EACH OTHER AND JORAH TAKES THEM INTO THE FIGHTERS ENTRANCE BUT THE DOOR CLOSES AND A HARPIE POPS OUT SO JORAH RAMS HIM THROUGH AND DAARIO REALIZES THEY NEED TO TAKE "THE OTHER SIDE, FOLLOW ME" BUT THE FIGHTING PIT IS CHOCK FULL OF CIVILIANS BEING MURDERED AND UNSULLIED AND HARPIES FIGHTING
AND HE SCREAMS "PROTECT YOUR QUEEN!" AND THE UNSULLIED FALL INTO FORMATION AROUND THEM AS DANY GRABS FOR MISSYS HAND AND TYRION RUNS AS FAST AS HIS TINY LEGS CAN CARRY HIM BUT FROM THE OTHER EXIT THEY SEE... AN ARMY OF HARPIES STREAMING TOWARDS THEM!!! FUCKING ESCORT MISSIONS!!!
and some dramatic as fuck horn music starts sounding as the Harpies jump down from every angle into the fighting pit like some Matrix Reloaded shit until there's a 100 of them surrounding only 12 Unsullied surrounding Tyrion, Missy and Dany being protected by Daario and Jorah and they all look around realizing this is it as the surviving audience scramble to climb up the stairs to escape as every Harpie member is not focusing on surrounding their target and the Harpies start testing the Unsullied slashing at them but he gets a spear through his chest and Jorah realizes they can get through the gaps so comes forward to kill a harpie getting too close and a big harpie punches an Unsullied out the way but gets a spear from another one who drops dead in front of a terrified Tyrion and Jorah kills another one who tries to run by and Daario kills another but a harpie manages to knife one of the Unsullied and rushes Dany but Daario cuts him down too and Tyrion starts hyperventilating as he's never been in this agonizing position of being just close enough to dying to see it coming a few seconds away and as Daario takes out every Harpie to come near him Missy looks to Dany knowing what will probably happen to them if they defeat the men and Daario is struggling to keep up with the Harpies that keep coming forward and forward and Dany realizes it's over the second they realize they just need to all charge at once and takes Missy's hand and they close their eyes together ready for whatever comes
but... there's a roar in the distance... and Dany turns around and everyone looks up even the Harpies when they hear... a long ass fucking scary roar and the entire colosseum goes completely silent, even the injured civilians stop crying in pain to look up in the sky to see...
AND ALL THE SONS OF HARPIES ABSOLUTELY SHIT THEIR PANTS AND DROGON LANDS ON ONE CRUSHING HIM LIKE A FUCKING JET FIGHTER PUTTING DOWN IT'S WHEELS AND ROARS
AND A HARPIE THROWS A SPEAR INTO DROGON'S BACK AND HE INSTANTLY HOPS AROUND LIKE A GIANT BAT AND UNLOADS HIS FLAMETHROWER INTO ALL THE HARPIES BEHIND HIM
AND KEEPS SPITTING IT OUT AS HE TURNS AROUND STRAFING AN ENTIRE QUARTER OF THE FIGHTING PIT CATCHING FLEEING CIVILIANS WHO ROLL AROUND SCREAMING TRYING TO PUT THEIR BURNING ROBES OUT
and Dany can tell this is getting even more fucked so screams "Drogon!" and starts walking towards him as Jorah and Daario kill harpies simultaneously either side of her
but without any fire and everyone looks terrified but she just stands there not flinching as he hollers in pain but when the relief hits he realizes his mother he imprinted on straight out of the egg 5 years ago is helping him tilts his head and blinks at her like a friendly dog and after flying way the last time Dany puts out her hand to touch him as if she's accepting her family heritage and her own destiny as she reaches to love this monstrous killing machine
BUT A SPEAR HITS HIM OUT OF NOWHERE AND DROGON ROARS AT THE HARPIES AND DAARIO THROWS A SPEAR INTO ANOTHER ONE TRYING TO THROW A SPEAR AT THE DRAGON and Jorah sees Dany realizing what she has to do now she knows he accepts her as an adult as still his mother DANY CLIMBS ONTOP OF THE DRAGONS BACK AS HE ROARS TERRITORIALLY
and she orders "Valahd" which I guess is "fly" as DROGON CHARGES FORWARD SCATTERING THE HARPIES AWAY FROM HER MEN AS HE STARTS DOING A RUNNING TAKE-OFF TO...
ok could have let them get on too maybe, well that was pretty dank well done adventure fodder and while the CIA for her flying off on the dragon was pretty obviously greenscreen with them not really selling the insane movement she'd be under they could have really done more wind machines on her and put her on some riding bull jostling up and down as far as it would go since that'd be what it was like but I liked how there were her own soldiers and civvies getting caught in the literal cross-fire since it's like real life heavy weapons you think oh if we have this huge war machine that can blow the fuck out of anything then surely we will win and the war will end sooner but in reality the more power you can except the more random people get blown the fuck away too lmao, although speaking of politics it's a bit fucking retarded that Dany didn't bring load more Unsullied to protect her since obviously she'd be surrounded by people who might lose support of her if something goes wrong with the games and it's a bit retarded how severely underwritten the Harpies are since like we don't even know their religion and all we know about them is they are paid by masters who want slavery back or something even though they're depicted as like truly dedicated to their cause and could be anyone as if they're literally ye olde alt-righters who put on their v for vendetta masks to own the libs epic style and bring back slavery or something and once again Dany just bungles her way into another situation and oh so conveniently blind fucking luck saves her, like it's literally random chance Drogon happened to be there and heard violence and came to look, unless we're meant to think she has magic powers to summon her dragons when in distress, which is even more fucking contrived, but Dany lives in a bubble of Mary Sueness where nothing bad can ever happen to her and she'll never have to do anything smart in her entire life because random chance will always be on her side
Game of Thrones 5x10: "Mother's Mercy" slut walk special edition
First aired: June 14, 2015
we open on the Red Lady watching some icicles melting with wide eyes as she goes to tell Stannis who's strapping into his armor that Allah has blessed them with melting snow and assures him her visions have foretold him winning but he refuses her touch and marches outside and she rushes after him with it probably clicking that if Stannis actually does win... she's not needed anymore... and he's interrupted by a man who nervously tells him in front of the Red Lady that they had many deserters before dawn WOW MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T MURDER YOUR OWN 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN FRONT OF YOUR FOLLOWERS HUH? and he breaks the news that it was nearly half the men, "all the sellswords with all the horses" oh yeah there were mercenaries there who didn't even get brainwashed into worshipping the Lord of Light so they were like uhhhhhh what the fuck is going on here, peace out fam, and Stannis glares at the Red Lady like he's about to kill her for making him burn Shireen for nothing and another man walks up with more bad news and he grumbles "speak up, can't be worse than mutiny" but the man isn't so sure and takes Stannis to see HIS WIFE HAS HUNG HERSELF IN THE WOODS!!! OH NO NO NO NO HAHAHAHAHAAHAH LOOK AT WHAT'S AROUND HER HEAD!!! that's what you get for following a religion you dumb faggot and Stannis stares in shock at her as the men whisper gossiping about something behind them and he orders her cut down but another guard tells him even more bad news that the Red Lady was just seen riding out of camp oh nono nonononoonononono lmao JUST FUCK MY WAR EFFORT UP FAM she can smell the bullshit coming better than anyone else and just did a runner and Stannis starts turning around to look at the direction of his enemies realizing he's got absolutely nothing to lose now and insists "get the men marching, onward to Winterfell" and storms off, what an absolutely assassinated character, bravo
then Jon is telling Sam about how the White Walker King instantly raised an army of tens of thousands, the biggest in the world, and Sam asks "so what are you gonna do?" and Jon quips "I'm gonna hope they don't learn how to climb The Wall" and Sam asks about the dragonglass but Jon says they left it behind and he mentions his sword Longclaw managing to kill them, ok, I think there's a difference between... the White Walkers, who are like the old pale blue mini-boss guys, and the undead people they reanimate are not called White Walkers since you can kill them with just blunt force trauma or at least make them a non-threat by dismembering them enough and they're just like normal zombies and I guess the implication is actual White Walkers are impossible to kill other than with dragonglass or now Longclaw but that's never been demonstrated and maybe all White Walkers can reanimate zombies but it's like only their King can convert a living human directly into another White Walker or something like that which is why he wants the babbys, anyway Sam says Longclaw is Valyrian steel hmmmmmm maybe Brie and whoever has Joffrey's sword could kill them then and Jon beats himself up for being the first ever Lord Commander to sacrafive brothers for wildlings and Sam says no matter how hated he is they'll still be mates so they drink to that and he requests that he send him, Gilly and the baby to Oldtown so he can become a maester and suggests Edd be his new adviser but Jon's not too sure about that lul and Sam says if he becomes a maester he can be so much more help for the coming war and he doesn't want Gilly and her son and him to die there "which means the last thing I'll see in this world is the look in her eyes as I've failed them, and I'd rather see a thousand White Walkers than see that" and Jon sighs as he realizes Sam is as mindfucked by love as he once was and Sam can tell his friend is giving in so thanks him and Jon reminds him the Citadel will make him swear off women too and Sam instantly jokes "they can try!" and Jon realizes Sam is no longer an incel and asks "Sam-you'd just been beaten half to death how did you..." and Sam chuckles "oh very carefully!" and they both give each other cheeky grins like they're two teenage boys again and Jon jokes "glad the end of the world is working out for someone" and they drink to Sam promising to come back, then in the morning Jon gives a tired wave to Sam, Gilly and the babby as they ride out... leaving Jon with no fr, well, Edd
then we see Stannis and his pathetic little army marching through the tundra with everyone panting and straining to keep going other than Stannis who looks extremely determined as he knows he's fucked and they're all going to die but if it's all over he'll go out swinging and inside Winterfell the Bolton's men are busy preparing defences when we see SANSA USING THE CORKSCREW SHE POCKETED TO PICK HER LOCK oooh clever girl I had forgotten about that and just assumed she'd attack Ramsay with it, clever inversion of the le sneakily grabbing a weapon trope, and she sneaks through the castle in a black cloak and by sneak through the castle I mean literally walk out into the courtyard hoping no one notices her and then we see Podrick coming out of the woods with a rabbit when he hears men yelling down in the woods and he drops his prey and some sticks to rush to warn Brie who's just sitting there staring at Winterfell and he tells her that Stannis is coming and he's 100% sure it's him since "he's carrying his flaming heart banners from the Blackwater... I'll never forget it"
and Brie looks horrified as she realizes that her chance for revenge is here and might be lost at any time and she stares at the broken tower praying she'll see something as Sansa rushes up it but Brie leaves... just as Sansa lights the candle in it, and with Stannis he's ordering where to dig trenches for the siege but his new second in command frankly tells him "there's not going to be a siege Your Grace" as he walks off and Stannis turns to see THE MASSIVE BOLTON CAVALRY RIDING TOWARDS HIS PATHETIC LITTLE ARMY
and Sansa watches from the broken tower at how doomed one of her few chances of escape from nightly rape is and Stannis' actor does a great job of depicting him thinking about retreating, remembering he has nothing to retreat to and deserves to die anyway and deciding he'll die a warrior's death which has been his true purpose all along and STANNIS UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE THOUSANDS STRONG CAVALRY
and then later with Stannis forces presumably pushed back into the woods there are dead men with lacerations and arrows in them strewn around with one man who's had seemingly both legs hacked off refusing to die crawling along on just his arms struggling to pull his torso through the mud and we pan to see the only other survivor... is Stannis who's forcing himself to stand with his sword when two Bolton soldiers casually walk up to the legless man who begs for mercy and they instantly kill him and Stannis limps to turn himself around to see the two soldiers who smile as they see they're going to be the ones to kill their enemy King
THE TWO SOLDIERS ATTACK STANNIS BUT HE DEFLECTS BOTH THEIR BLADES STILL MOVING ALMOST TWICE AS FAST AS THEY CAN BUT ONE SLITS HIS LEG AND HE SWINGS HIS SWORD WILDLY FORCING ONE TO DODGE BACK SO HE'S FREE TO SKEWER THE OTHER ONE THROUGH
as she slumps over even more injured and gives a long frustrated growl as he's not standing back up on that leg and is done fighting but then he looks up as another soldier in armor marches up ready to meet his killer and he asks "Bolton has women fighting for him?" and IT'S BRIE who announces "I don't fight for the Boltons... I'm Brienne of Tarth, I was Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, I was there when he was murdered by a shadow with your face, you murdered him with blood magic?" and for the first time in the show and probably for decades Stannis shows fear on his face, not to die but as he remembers he murdered his own brother in an unnatural evil way and that was only the start of his cowardice, and he admits "I did" and looks up as Brie half-unsheathes her sword and announces "in the name of Renly of House Baratheon, First of his Name, rightful King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, I, Brienne of Tarth, sentence you to die"
and Stannis just cringes as he realizes this is it, he burned his own daughter for fucking nothing and that Red Cunt bullshitted him probably the entire time, and Brie asks "do you have any last words?" and Stannis struggles to think of something but just goes with "go on, do your duty"
so at least someone can have some honor here and Brie looks almost... disappointed that he's not some snarling evil monster, but SHE SWINGS HER SWORD (PRESUMABLY) KILLING STANNIS his fanboys insist since he didn't die on camera she spared him by doing the le I just swung at le tree by your le head meme but no he's RIP, nice good character that was hastily ruined in his last two episodes lmao and nice contrivance that Brie happens to find him in amongst an entire battle
then we cut straight to Ramsay tearing his sword out of a survivor he was murdering and announces "looks like we're done here!" but uh ooooooh a man starts groaning in pain and Ramsay gets a big grin as he gets to hurt one more person and the injured man begs "I surrender! I surrender!" and Ramsay says "and I accept your surrender"
and gives a satisfied sigh as if he just got laid and announces "let's get back, my wife must be lonely!" and we cut to Sansa realizing the candle plan didn't work and rushing up the stairs avoiding soldiers rushing about but she's stopped by MYRANDA AIMING A BOW AND ARROW AT HER and Reek is with her as she gloats "m'lady, I've come to escort you back to your chamber" and Reek stairs vacantly at the ground and begs "go with her, please" as he knows what Ramsay could do to her and Sansa realizes this is it she's only got herself to save her now no one came for the candle and tells Myranda "I know what Ramsay is... I know what he'll do to me... if I'm going to die... let it happen while there's still some of me left" talking... more to Reek than her... and she gets a huge grin and chirps "die? who said anything about dying? you can't die, your father was Warden of the North and Ramsay needs you" and lowers her bow and Sansa isn't sure what this crazy bitch will do but then Myranda adds with Reek whimpering beside her as he already knows what she means "although I suppose he doesn't need all of you, just the parts he'll use to make his heir, until you've given him a boy or two and he's finished using them, then... he's got incredible plans for those parts"
and aims her bow and arrow at her womb as Reek starts shivering but not from the cold and Myranda asks "so... will we wait for him to come back or should we begin now?" and Sansa just stares at her as Myranda drolls "oh you're leaving it to me? good... lets begin" and aims the bow at her arm but REEK GRABS HER AND THROWS HER OFF THE BALCONY AS SHE SHRIEKS "REEK! STOOAAAAAAIIIIEEEEE-"
rip Myranda she was a good waifu, if only her and Ramsay switched places I would never stop jerking to this show, and Sansa and Reek... or Theon? stare down in amazement, I spoiled this for myself like 4 years ago but it's still a good shock since you assume when he finally rebels it'll be against Ramsay so you get a nice twist but also a good heroic moment where he gave up on himself long ago but what makes him rebel is to save someone else from ending up like him so in some fucked up way losing being Theon made him lose being a selfish evil person too and "Reek" is more heroic than he ever was just in that one instance, and it also goes into a theme I heard GRRM talk about where in most fantasy stories the heroes are hansom good looking dashing hunks and the villains are all disgusting hideous monsters but in GoT the most attractive characters, the Lannister's, are horrible, the pretty Targ's are psychotic and the charming when they need to be Bolton's are psychopaths, but the most moral character is a dwarf and characters are redeemed and build moral character after becoming disabled or disfigured in undesirable ways like Jaime losing his hand, Bran losing his legs and Theon losing his big benis, which is interesting as an inversion of most of storytelling history as the other being ugly and inherently evil but honestly a lot of modern stories have attractive people also being evil since they are written by insecure beta incel jews who hate Chad when in real life you get shitty attractive people who've never had to question themselves but also good pretty people who are as nice to everyone as everyone is nice to them and ugly people who try harder to be likeable and ugly people who have a big chip on their shoulder and it doesn't seem to matter much but it's some sort of kino, anyway then a horn blows ordering the front gate to open and loads of soldiers ride in and R... no... Theon says "he's coming back!" and takes Sansa even further up the castle and starts to climb over looking down at a massive drop into the snow that should kill them but... THEON TAKES SANSAS HAND AND THEY NOD TO EACH OTHER DECIDING TO LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD AS THEY LEAP OFF
then we cut to Trent who's all sweaty in a dark room fiddling with something in his hands and looks directly into the camera and breathes hard as he stands up revealing he has a cane and he goes towards... three young girls... who can only be about 9... and he paces around the room and TRANT WHIPS THE LITTLE GIRL'S ASS AND ENJOYS HER SCREAMING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 105
AND WHIPS THE THIRD... TO NO REACTION... and he steps in front of her and TRANT WHIPS THE THIRD GIRL IN THE CHEST... TO NO REACTION... and the two other girls look over in confusion as TRANT WHIPS HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CANE... BUT IT SNAPS! and he growls "I can see I have my work cut out for me... you two... out" and the othe two girls flee and the girl parts her hair to reveal... THE LITTLE GIRL WHO DRANK FROM THE POISON WELL(I don't recognize her at all but I am just assuming that's who she is because of the way this story beat is filmed as something relevent lmao) and TRANT SUCKER PUNCHES HER IN THE STOMACHEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 107
and she drops down gagging and gasping and Trent gets a smile as he finally gets a reaction but when the girl stops too soon he looks down mad and then confused as... THE GIRL PULLS OFF HER WIG REVEALING... *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME STARTS UP* ARYA!
AS SHE STABS OUT HIS OTHER EYE AND HE STARTS HOLLARING AS ARYA STUFFS A RAG IN HIS MOUTH AND HE STARTS GRABBING AT HER SO SHE STARTS STABBING HIM IN THE CHEST OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND GETS OFF LEAVING HIM TO ROLL OVER AND GARGLE IN HIS OWN BLOODEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 108
and she tells him "you were the first person on my list you know, for killing Syrio Forel, remember him?" yeah I don't remember either lmao, oh wait, it was her dancing teacher that was probably Jaqen anyway, and he gets to his knees clutching his chest leaking blood all over the floor and she goes on "I've gotten a few of the others, The Many-Faced God stole a few more from me... but I'm glad he left me you" and she kneels down beside him and asks "do you know who I am?" and he mumbles through the rag unable to even look at her with his eyes destroyed so she says "I cant hear you" and STABS HIM IN THE GUT and stands up saying "you know who I am, I'm Arya Stark" and when he stops moaning SHE STABS HIM IN THE BACK
and takes the rag out and she asks "do you know who you are?" and he just whimpers as Arya tells him "you're no one, you're nothing" and ARYA SLITS MERYN TRANT'S THROAT letting him slump over dead, I guess doing the identity theme as now he really is no one and nothing as he's fucking dead,
ok that was extremely edgy and the fucking pedo sadism shit makes me wonder about the normies who watch this lmao I mean I'm exposed to people talking about molesting kids daily on 4chan but surely this sends normies into a PTSD meltdown as their repressed childhood trauma memories are resurfaced or something, maybe this was just as the show was getting insanely popular because I only remember memes being spewed out constantly about this season finale and not the last one since that was actually uhhhh very good writing and acting of a son killing his father like some shakesperian shit and not the TV version of clickbait where something frokin ebin has to happen involving dragons and uh pedophilia so the writers hadn't realized that they're not just reenacting an old obese american mans wank fantasies on their obscure cable tv channel no one but boomers actually pay for but are now SHOWING LITERAL SOFTCORE S&M CHILD PORN AND A PEDO GETTING HIS EYES STABBED OUT TO HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
:edgy:
it reminds me of extremely edgy comic Crossed where they go whole hog but for legal reasons can't show children being raped, killed yes, but not raped, and it's very obvious they want to show it so so so so bad but legally can't, so they can only have a pedo whipping kids not fucking them lmao, but at least they're normalizing incest have to thank them for that
then in the massive catacomb of harvested faces which is just fucking dumb and like some magical version of the bullshit from Mission Impossible where they always have to do the rubber mask gag but even more stupid we see Arya try to sneak the girls face back but Jaqen and the cunty girl, who I'm sure Jaqen will kill in le ebin twist or something to side with Arya, catches her and he whines "a girl has taken a life... the wrong life" and the cunty girl rubs it in "I was right about her, you're not ready" and I guess the meme earlier was Arya gets whipped with a cane during her training so much she's immune to what Trant was doing to her lol and the cunty girl grabs Arya's arm and holds her to Jaqen who admonishes her saying "that man's life was not yours to take, a girl stole from The Many-Faced God, now a debt is owed, only death can pay for life" and ooh yes I remember this and he takes out a bottle of poison and Arya bricks it as... JAQEN DRINKS THE POISON... AND SLUMPS OVER DEAD?!?!? ok I didn't remember that lmao
wasn't there something about him blinding her, oh wait the meme is going to be he can even appear as the little girl or something and that was another assassin or something he got to merc themselves to scare her, and Arya screams over his body "NO YOU DONT DIE DONT DIE!" and the cunty girl asks "why are you crying?" and she squeals "he was my friend!" and the girl explains "no he wasn't, didn't you liste?" and then it turns to Jaqen's voice "he was no one" riiiiiiiiight so he can shapeshift even his body, ebinnnnnn, and then she asks who this dead guy in her arms is and he says "no one at all, just as a girl should have been before she took a face from the hall" but since Jaqen... or someone using that persona... is standing right there while she holds that face in her arms that means that maybe that's not his real face and they're using a dead persons face... but it means they can at least make copies of faces, which opens up a whole new can of autism that multipul people can now be in multiple places, absolute plothole armagadon and ARYA PULLS JAQEN'S FACE OFF THE BODY TO REVEAL AN OLD LADY as Jaqen explains "the faces are for no one" and ARYA PULLS THE OLD LADY'S FACES OFF TO REVEAL A YOUNG MAN as Jaqen tells her "you are still someone" since she wanted personal revenge and ARYA PULLS THE YOUNG MAN'S FACE OFF TO REVVEAL AN OLD MAN'S and she gasps idk if I'm meant to recognize him this is fucking retarded this is probably some fucking ebinnnnnnnnnnn twist where these are characters she met throughout that were all agents testing her or something but I just don't care this storyline is even worse than Dany THERE I SAID IT THE ARYA STORYLINE IS WORSE THAN DANYS AND THIS IS FUCKING STUPID
ARYA PULLS THE OLD MAN'S FACE OFF REVEALING A BROWN WOMAN AND PULLS HER FACE OFF REVEALING REVEALING ANOTHER OLD MAN AND PULLS HIS FACE OFF REVEALING...HER FACE!!! OH SO THEY CAN COPY A LIVING PERSON?!??!! SHOW COMPLETELY RUINED FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO WE KNOW ANYONE IS ANYONE THEN?!?!?!?! FUCKING DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMB and how do these masks even work? they're just... enchanted pieces of cloth that show a persons face? they come away and stack like silk cloth and not like a solid piece of skin or rubber, so it's just muh magic with no reasoning behind it, why even imply like they're harvesting dead people's faces when they can replicate a living persons? absolutely retarded
and Jaqen memes "and to someone... the faces are as good as poison" wow ecinnnnnnnn you mean like the poison you just had someone you spent years training take to make some dumb point lmao? and Arya stares down in horror at herself and from literal magic she screams I CANT SEE! as her vision goes dark and she screams "what's happening? WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!" as her eyes go white as ARYA GOES BLIND right ebin, what a great storyline that was really worth spending an entire season with her slooooowly cleaning floors and slooooowling cleaning bodies and slooooowly seeing the masks and sloooooowly being given a mission so she can kill a comedically evil character and then to lose the like 1 step of progress she made lmao very satisfying stuff and not completely fucking absurd and boring lmao imagine how fucking frustrating this would have been to watch over the course of 10 fucking weeks and not just 5 days weeeeeew laaaaaaaaad
then in Dorne after absolutely fucking nothing at all has happened with this storyline in any way shape or form other than like... Bronn got slapped.... but it's taken 10 fucking episodes for Myrcella to kiss on the cheek Doran goodbye and for him to wish Jaime a safe journey home and he looks at Elly insisting that she apologize to Myrcella and wish her happiness and ELLY KISSES MYRCELLA ON THE LIPS goodbye uhhhh I guess that's appropriate in some cultures uhhh I'll let her have it without edge
and she smiles awkwardly at her and Jaime steps down with his daughterniece into a fancy boat and Bronn flirts with the short haired Sand Snake "maybe I'll come visit you sometime" and she flirts back "maybe I'll come visit you" and Bronn tells her "don't wait too long, I got a noble woman to marry back home" and the short haired girl purrs into his hear "YOU WANT A GOOD GIRL, BUT YOU NEED THE BAD PUSSY" AND SHE BITES HIS EAR and Bronn just smiles at her as Jaime sarcastically yells "whenever you're ready my lord!" so he just gives the Dorne cast a knowing look and leaves, I saw that line memed a lot but I assumed it was her trying to get under someones skin just like how I thought the memes of her flashing her tits were of her tricking a guard or something but instead of it being le feminine wiles she is literally just genuinely flirting with Bronn which makes it very lame and pointless since uhhh yeah he's a rough and tumble killer too and they probably would make a good couple with no edgy undertones of her trying to corrupt a decent man or something
and then on the official Dornish boat they've been given to sail home Jaime is giving Myrcella her necklace back and tells her he's sorry she has to leave but her mother misses her and he's glad Trysten is coming since he seems like a nice boy and shrugs his shoulder saying "you're lucky, arranged marriages are rarely so... well arranged" and Myrcella nervously asks "do you think mother will like him?" and Jaime, not having any experience being a father, tries to lie "if she she sees you're happy I'm sure she will" and she laughs "do you really believe that?" and Jaime admits "have you ever known your mother to like anyone aside from her children?" and his daughter smiles "she likes you" and he mumbles "I doubt that" and then sits down to tell her "there's something I've been meaning to tell you, something I should have told you long ago... so... now that you've seen more of the world you've learned how complicated things can be, people can be, the Lannisters and the Martells have hated each other for years but you've fell in love with Trystane, it was an accident really, I mean what are the chances? you happened to fall in love with the man you were assigned to marry" and she giggles at how lucky she is oh poor girl what she's about to hear lmao and Jaime goes on "me point is we dont choose who we love, we just-well-its beyond our control-oh I sound like an idiot, what I'm trying and failing to say is-" but Myrcella cuts him off saying "I know what you're trying to say" and Jaime insists "I'm afraid you don't" but she stands up and says "I do" and takes his hand, inb4 she says some shit like I know you fancy me and starts making out with him, but she just holds his hand and says "I know... about you and mother, I think a part of me always knew..." and Jaime looks utterly terrified to be outed and that this is the first moment of his relationship with his daughter but she finishes "and I'm glad... I'm glad that you're my father" and his eyes well up with happy tears as she hugs him and he puts his head on her and has to hug her with his golden hand but it's all alright as he holds her and knows he'll do anything to protect her but then..
ELLARIA KILLED HER WITH POISONED LIPSTICK!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 109 BUT IT POISONED HER TOO SO SHE WAS WILLING TO DIE TO KILL A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL and her daughter hands her a cloth not surprised as if she knew before hand and Elly cleans her nose off... but then PLUCKS A VIAL FROM HER NECKLACE AND TAKES THE ANTIDOTEI was literally thinking ok it's a good twist that she dies to get revenge so it's not so generic and then Jaime has no one directly responsible to lash out at but no, she survives which makes you think why doesn't everyone just do that to all their enemies and why won't Jaime just go fucking murder Elly since Doran clearly doesn't like her, in fact does Jaime not know how reasonably Doran is? why would they think he approves of the death threats? just send him a fucking letter lmao, and why is Elly so fucking psychotic to risk taking her entire country to war and her own daughter getting killed to avenge a fucking moron who willingly entered a fight to the death? what an absolute bullshit little video game meme storyline for an entire season where something only finally happens to a character we barely knew in the last scene of it which was only saved because the dude who plays Jaime is so good and the fucking SAND SNAKES OH ME TGUCCJGIG GGOD WHAT WERE THEY THINKIGN WHAT WAS GRRM THINKING IF THIS IS IN THE BOOKS GET BACK TO FUCKING XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS FROM 1998 WITH THIS SHIT ALL THAT BUILD-UP AND THEY'RE FUCKING SHIT AT FIGHTING LMAO WHAT THE FUGGGGCKKKyou know what I'm glad Tywin died because that means he wasn't around for this season to fuck his character up lmao
then in Dany's throne room Daario is awkwardly cracking his nuckles as Jorah and Tyrion sit there in silence having somehow gotten out of the fighting pit and Tyrion asks "you love her don't you?" and both Jorah and Daario look up and Tyrion tells them a disgraced knight and a sellsword are not fit consrots and lamets "but we always want the wrong woman" and Daario sighs "does he always talk so much?" and Jorah nods and then Missy brings in Grey Worm who was recovering from the attack on him and he gets huffy about Jorah being there and Daario has to assure him he saved Dany and Missy agrees and admits that she'd be dead too if not for the "little man" but Tyrion reveals he speaks Valryrian and corrects her "dwarf, I believe that's the word" ok so I guess they don't say Little Person™ in this world yet and he accidentally says his Valyrian is a bit "nasil" but Missy corrects "rusty" which would be a suitable word actually if he's talking about accent and Grey Worm apologizes for not being there but Jorah says they need to go find Dany... not including him! saying his family is being overthrown and he's fought for her for years and Tyrion yells at him not to blame him for his crimes and Daario tells them they're both right and they'll only find out what Dany wants when they find them and Tyrion quips Jorah better not kill him in his sleep and Jorah edgily says "if I ever kill you your eyes will be wide open" and Daario condescendingly asks why they'd bring Tyrion as he can't track, fight or ride and just talks and Tyrion insists "and drink, look I've survived so far!" but Daario isn't impressed but suggests he'd be best handling Meereen and Jorah points out they wouldn't listen to him and he suggests Grey Worm stays as "he's the toughest man with no balls I ever met" and Missy agrees the Unsullied can only keep the peace and Daario says Missy should stay too so leaves just with Jorah, that was a long ass conversation to get to the point that yeah, the two guys who are combat ready should be the ones to go find Dany, which I guess is the entirety of season 6 lmao some dumb quest to find Dany while Tyrion now has his own city to run, and the subtitles say ( dragon screches ) in the distance but I'm not sure it's absolutely meant to be that then on the city walls Tyrion watches Jorah and Daario leaves as VARYS appears behind him memeing at him that "the birds sing in the west, the birds sing in the east if one knows how to listen" and compliments him for finding favor with the Mother of Dragons and he complains about how now it's his job to placate a city on the verge of civil war and Varys gives him the advice that he needs information on his enemies and allies and Tyrion drolls "if only I knew someone with a vast network of spies" and Varys drolls back "if only" and he implies that the state of Meereen being similar to King's Landing expertly talking Tyrion into placing him as his spymaster and Tyrion smiles "oh I did miss you" and Varys smiles "I know"
then we finally see Dany on the top of a mountain overlooking a lovely mountain region and she turns to see... Drogo is all fucked up from infections from his spear wounds despite her letting him gorge himself on various farm animals with thankfully no human skulls in there and she tells him "we have to go home, oh my poor thing, does it hurt? we have to go home... Drogon? can you take me back to Meereen?" but Drogon is exhausted and just closes his eyes and starts napping as she pets him and wonders "how far did you carry me?"
and he groans in pain and starts licking a wound on his foot/wing and...wait... wait a second... I... oh no... oh nononononon I JUST REALIZED THAT'S NOT A DRAGON AT ALL!!! IT'S A WYVERN!!! IT'S SMAUG FROM THE HOBBIT MOVIES ALL OVER AGAIN!!!in case you don't know a dragon has four legs and a wyvern only has back legs and walks on his wings like a bat and they changed Smaug in The Hobbit movies because it would save the CGI budget on adding two more legs lmao although in interviews GRRM has explained this by saying it's nore scientifically accurate that way since no animal on earth has four legs + wings which is fine but technically that's not what we called dragons lul anyway Drogon or should that be Wyvoron ignores her as she whines "Drogon we need to return, my people need me!" so she tries climbing on his back and he HISSES in annoyance and when she doesnt get off he starts growling and wriggles around to toss her off and then just slithers along the ground like a snake and thumps his head down and puts it on a wing as he tries to sleep completely out of energy from the battle and Dany laments "well there's no food, at the very least you could hunt us some supper?" but he's already zonked out as shooting so much fire must take up all his energy and Dany stares off into the wilderness wondering wtf she can do since the CGI budget has run out and she can't use her dragon ultimate for another 5 episodes for it to recharge
so she goes wandering through the highlands and then hears... horses riding... and she looks up to see a man on a horse... and notices... a man and his friends are DOTHRAKI RIDERS and she very slyly takes off her ring and drops it to the ground, I guess that was... her wedding ring and she doesn't want them to know she's the widow of another clans leader in case they hated him or something? or trying to hide she's a rich queen now they can hold hostage? she's got a fancy ass necklace on so woops, and then she sees even more Dothraki come from behind and looks over to see SOMEHOW AN ENTIRE ARMY OF DOTHRAKI HAVE SNUCK UP ON HER AND THEY ALL RIDE AROUND HER WHOOPING LIKE POOR LIL WHITE GIRL IN THE DOTHRAKI PLAINS VOL. 8: HORSE COCK APOCOLYPSE wow great the Dothraki, the most one-dimensional generic Mongol rip-offs are back.... epic.......... epi......
then we finally see Cersei again cowering in a corner of her cold dark cell when the door opens and the septa comes in and orders "confess... confess" and Cersei looks up swearing to herself she'll get revenge but knows this is the only way out so later confesses to the High Sparrow in a exhausted little girl voice "I have sinned, I see that now, how can I have been so blind for so long? I want to be clean again, I want absolution, The Crone came to me with her lantern raised high and by it's holy light-" but he cuts her off and asks "you wish to make a confession?" and she looks up and asks "once I confess I'll be free?" and realizing he wont tell her when he says "Your Grace will be dealt with according to her sins" she says "The Mother have mercy then... I lay with a man outside the bonds of marriage, I confess" and High Sparrow demands "name him" since all this confession shit the catholic church does is just ye olde data harvesting to profile and blackmail it's members lmao and she says.... "Lancel Lannister" not giving up Jaime and when he talks shit she tries to say "I was lonely and afraid" and when he reminds "you had a husband" Cersei snarls at him "a husband off whoring every chance he-!" but High Sparrow reminds her "his sins do not pardon your own" and Cersei pretends to be repentant again saying "may the gods forgive me" and he pokes "other men?" and she claims "no" and he pushes "no others?" seeing if she'll lie to him about Jaime but she says "no" again and he reminds her "speaking falsehoods before the gods is a great crime, you understand this?" ok I cant hold it back anymore but this guy is a great actor and character and everything but his plot is so fucking lazy lmao he has no climb to power, Cersei just lets him arm his men and he's instantly in power, absolutely fucking retarded and absolutely contrived and he reminds her "there are those that say your children are not by King Robert, that they are bastards born of INCEST and adultery" and Cersei frowns and insists "a lie, a lie from the lips of Stannis Baratheon, he wants the throne, but his brother's children stand in the way so he claims they are not his brother's, that filth, there is not one shred of truth to it, I deny it" and the High Sparrow stares at her saying "good" as if he wants to punish her and explains "but these are terrible charges and the realm must know the truth of them, if Your Grace has given honest testimony your trial will prove your innocence" and Cersei asks "trial? I have confessed" and High Sparrow reveals "to a single sin, others you have denied, your trial will separate the truths from the falsehoods" and Cersei realizes he's going to have her tortured or some shit (which was also a massive part of medieval life, authorities would just torture you into signing a false confession to "prove" you did whatever they wanted, but that's lacking here more than the religion shit) and she begs "I bow to the wisdom of Your High Holiness... but if I might beg... for just one drop of the Mother's mercy... I haven't seen my son... I don't know how long it's been... I need to see him please" and the High Sparrow... permits her to return to the Red Keep and Cersei breaks down crying being given mercy and he tells her to thank The Mother promising she will day and night and the High Sparrow stands up and she asks "am I free to go?" hopefully but he says "after your atonement" and Cersei asks "my atonement?" and he just looks at her sadly with the sad look a father gives his daughter when he needs to punish her but knows she'll understand one day
and then we see... a naked Cersei in a dark dungeon being washed clean by two septas... very roughly... and then turn her around to see her titties in the dark... and the bitchy septa looks on trying to hide her enjoyment of Cersei's body being gone over with rough clothes... and then they sit her down... and the septa tries to keep a straight face as... the septas start cutting her hair off... which is officially a form of torture according to the UN I'm guessing for women more than men since it's fucking with their gender identity which is something that made me realize what trans people must feel like if a cis person can get the same feeling and I can even understand it a bit myself now I've let my hair grow out since it's getting all fucked up and entangled but I don't want to cut it since it feels like a part of my body now and I'd probably find it more distressing if I actually gave a shit what I looked like and had that as apart of my self-image, and they leave the naked Cersei hanging her now short haired head that the septas have "accidentally" let the razer slice into leaving blood trickling down her back and face and the main bitchy septa circles her like a wolf and Cersei looks up as the door opens looking like 20 years fucking older lmao maybe the red pilled retards are right and women shouldn't have short hair since they instantly go from femme to "I want to speak to the manager" soccer mom
and they take her outside wearing a shitty robe to the steps of the Sept and... the streets are 100% full of the poor that have now gathered before it and the High Sparrow calls down "a sinner becomes before you... Cersei of House Lannister... Mother to His Grave King Tommen, Widow of His Grave King Robert, she has committed the acts of falsehood and fornication, she has confessed her sins and begged for forgiveness, to demonstrate her repentance, she will case aside all pride, all artifice, and present herself as the gods made her... to you... the good people of the city... she comes before you with a solemn heart, shorn of secrets, naked before the eyes of gods and men, to make her walk of atonement...." and he looks up expectantly as
and everyone gasps and for some reason her legs are shaved lmao and they poke her to step forward out of her robe on the ground and poke her again to walk down the stairs as the bitchy septa starts chanting "SHAME... SHAME... SHAME" and on each third shame she goes rings a bell *DINGALING* and some armed sparrows join them to guard her and make Cersei walk through the crowd as the septa goes "SHAME... SHAME... SHAME" *DINGALING* and the crowd starts murmuring as the "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING*s get faster and faster and some people start yelling "WHORE! WHORE!" until they're yelling at the front of the crowd and man screams in her face "BITCH! BROTHER FUCKER!" and Cersei just endures it making sure she uses this as fuel for her future rage and the crowd start wagging their fingers at her and yelling and a man screams "FUCK OFF!" straight at her like he's always wanted to tell a royal that lmao
and the crowd are all saying "WHORE! BITCH!" at her and a drunk man calls down "ALL HAIL THE ROYAL TITS!" with "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* all the time
and the citizens start throwing rotten food at her and screaming "CUNT!" and booing her as she gets further into the city and A PROSTITUTE RUNS OUT TEARING HER OWN ROBE OFF AND SCREAMING NAKED AT CERSEI "I'VE HAD HALF AS MANY COCKS AS THE QUEEN!!!" HAAHAHAHAH (I remember when I was describing to Teknorat this episode as I was watching it 4 years ago his reply to being told of that outburst was "that's lisa")
and the sparrows shove her out the way into the crowd and the crowd gets louder screaming "WHORE! SLUT! SINNER!" and they all start laughing and booing getting wilder and wilder and A MAN RUNS DOWN WITH HIS LARGE COCK OUT YELLING "I'M A LANNISTER! SUCK ME OFF! SUCK ME OFF YOU BITCH!" and a Sparrow who can barely keep a straight face which was probably a mistake by the extra but actually a nice touch for the character shoves him back into the crowd
and another man flashes his cock at her and the crowd start throwing maggoty old soup directly at her and laughing in her face as "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* keeps going and the crowd gets more and more roudy with the Sparrows having to shove them back and A WOMAN SPITS STRAIGHT IN CERSEI'S FACE
and a woman starts trying to get at her screaming "BROTHER FUCKER!" and the Sparrow has to hit her to get her away and as A WOMAN THROWS A CHAMBER POT OF HER OWN SHIT AT HER Cersei starts to tear up but struggles on until stones start hurtling at her making her bleed and she collapses onto her knees as her whole life is so unbarably unfair
and the guards have to beat the crowd back but she looks up at the Red Keep and the determination to see her son again forces her to her feet despite them being bloody from shit being thrown at her and she finally makes her way to the gate being guarded by the City Guards and a man stands in her way that needs to be beaten out the way by a Sparrow and the septa gives one last round of "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* as Cercsei finally steps over the threshold to her family's personal soldiers and she breaks down crying now she's physically safe as she lumbers in the front door to find HER UNCLE KEVAN AND PYCELLE LOOKING AT HER
and Qyburn, her only ally left, runs up to give her a robe as she breaks down in tears and this old man who doesn't give a fuck about her really tells her "Your Grace, it's good to have you back" and Pycelle gets an evil smile as this bitch who's been harassing him for no reason for years finally gets her comeuppance and Cersei just keeps weeping as her only comfort is some sociopath who just wants her funds and he tells her he needs to examine her especially her bloody feet and then comes... thump... thump... thump... and Qyburn asks "may I have the honor of presenting the newest member of the Kingsguard?" as she looks up to see THE MOUNTAIN'S REANIMATED BODY WEARING THE GOLDEN KINGSGUARD ARMOR... WITH BLOODSHOT EYES AND PALE BLUE SKIN PEAKING OUT FROM THE HELMET
and he doesn't say anything... just stands there breathing hard... and then he scoops Cersei up to carry her away and Qyburn bullshits "if it please Your Grace he has taken a holy vow of silence... he has sworn that he will not speak until all his Grace's enemies are dead... and evil has been driven from the realm" and Cersei gets a maddog look as she starts plotting her revenge, ok when I first saw this episode I assumed Qyburn as one of her accusers and the meme here was whoever this giant zombie fucker was was going to keep her prisoner, but it seems she at least has this one asset left on her side, a giant Mountain zombie bodyguard (who I think is still played by the last actor, with a lot less acting to do now his character is mute and wears a helmet lol) and his blue skin is maybe a hint that Qyburn used whatever the White Walkers use to animate the "wights" as this universe calls it's zombies, I remember when this ep first aired people were saying that from the discolored eyes that it might have been Joffrey's preserved and severed head he put on the powerful body so that it would be extra loyal to Cersei with her son's reanimated brain controlling it or something but I guess not, anyway that whole fucking sequence was fucking retarded, like I already brought up they did shit like this to women who fucked nazis in France after liberation and liveleak is full of modern day Chinese women doing this to women they're love rivals with but these are vigilante actions the idea of this being done to Cersei because an extremely puritanical religion wants to punish her is absurd, she's being accused of sexual degeneracy, doing things you should only do with your husband... so they match her through the city streets naked so everyone can scream obscenities at her and tell her to suck them off and flash their own cocks and titties... wow very consistent and good writing and definitely not an obese 70 year old American man's wank fantasies after spending too much time edging to publicdisgrace.com
then speaking of shit writing we cut to Castle Black where Davos is bitching at Jon to send supplies for the now dead Stannis who was just giving him an excuse to fuck off so he could murder his own daughter in peace and then ran straight to his death lmao great character arc goood stuuuuuff but Jon tells him the wildlings will never fight for Stannis but he insists if they are using their wall and their kingdoms for saftey then they need to fight for them and then... the Red Lady comes through the main door (that they are now opening to anyone... ploooot hooooole) and Jon rushes down asking "Stannis?" to no reply and Davos grabs her as he really wants to know about "Shireen? the princess?" and she just looks sadly at him as if it wasn't all her fucking doing and she didn't bail on them first chance she got and Davos looks completely fucking heart broken like it was his own child dying all over again and in Jon's office he's reading some letters and sighing in grief that this supposed genius battle tactician got completely annihilated by the Boltons yeah almost like he started being written by complete hacks really makes ya think then Olly bursts in saying a wildling told him that his Uncle Benjen is still alive, did we ever even meet this fucker? didn't he go missing beyond The Wall in season 1 lmao? and Jon leaps up and rushes out as hopeful music plays for this character we never saw and don't care about as Jon rushes down to an obvious trap as Alliser tells him "man says he saw your uncle at Hardhome last full moon" isn't that place swarming with zombies lmao and Jon says "could be lying" wow ya don't say and Alliser says "there's ways to find out" and tells Jon he's over there where a bunch of men are standing with flaming torches muttering and Jon barges through to find... A SIGN SAYING "TRAITOR" and absolute fucking idiot brainlet Jon doesn't get what's going on and turns around as
AND ANOTHER MAN STABS HIM IN THE CHEST AND TELLS HIM "FOR THE WATCH" AND SO DOES A THIRD, A FOURTH AND A FIFTH AND JON... JUST STANDS THERE AWKWARDLY LOOKING AROUND LMAO
before falling to his knees and wheezing and coughing up blood and Olly comes over and Jon looks up realizing he was in on it and Olly looks down at him with disapointment and anger and upset and Jon tries to beg "Olly..." but EVEN OLLY STABS HIM AND SAYS "FOR THE WATCH"
and Jon, having his heart broken literally and metaphorically, just gives up and slumps down, and the kid playing Olly does a really good job of playing a boy who's been through a lot of strife but not quite enough to kill his old hero in cold blood without it upsetting him but he considers himself a man now who has to make tough decisions like Sam said and Jon's jaw twitches as he bleeds to death on the snow
alright uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I honestly do not know what the fuck they were thinking doing this other than le shock ending since like yeah it would actually be hela dank if they killed of Jon for real here and then Sam took over as the protagonist role or The Wall storyline since he's a more interesting character than le generic boy becomes a man heroes journey dope but they obviously know they're bringing him back to fucking life next episode so.... why.... ? why even bother just to do some more bullshit magic shit that breaks the story? why would the men even do this? are they really that rectum ravished racist against the wildlings? didn't some of them survive the White Walker attack and know what they're up against? why kill their best chance of surviving from sheer butthurt? if they think the point of The Wall is pointless now why not just........ leave? why do they even care about the Night's Watch being dishonored now if they think it's whole point is over not the wildlings are through? don't most of them are it there and are just forced to be there for crimes? where was Edd during this? was he part of it? I can't even remember what he looks like and don't care to check, absolute dogshit to be quite honest just to trick you into thinking you're watching a show as good as season 1 when Ned was killed off for real, and this was just the season where they were not directly adapting the first 3 books but remixing the last 2 with a few of their own ideas, just you fucking wait as they are entirely on their own now
08-11-2019
rubycalaber
Game of Thrones 6x01: "The Red Woman" GILF special edition
First aired: April 24, 2016
alright we open on a panning shot along the wall into Castle Black and onto Jon's pale corpse as a wolf howls and we see it's Ghost trying to get out of his chuckshed and Davos who somehow didn't hear all the stabbing going on outside comes out to see Jon and he rushes down and he sees he's dead and notices the sign and Edd and some lads run down and thankfully there is not a retarded storyline where they think Davos did it since he's clearly dead ages ago and they carry Jon's corpse inside with Edd breaking down crying that his only friend left and personal hero got murdered and he respectfully closes his eyes as he announces Alliser did it and Davos asks how many they can trust and Edd just says the men in this room and Davos asks "does the wolf know you? we need all the help we can get" but before he can answer THE RED LADY knocks on the door and sees Jon's body and looks super sad and claims she saw him in the flames fighting at Winterfell and Davos, not knowing that she murdered his 11 year old friend, gives his condolences, and then later in the dinner hall the men are all arguing like mad cunts and now Alliser is in charge and tries to take that charge but a man yells out "who killed him?!" and ALLISER SAYS "I DID" AND DOXXES EVERYONE ELSE WHO HELPED and the men scream calling them traitors and Alliser admits he did do treason but never once disobeyed an order as he loves the Night's Watch uhhhhhhh I think Jon would have ordered you not to stab him if he could but ok my duuuuuuuuude and he justifies it by saying Jon was going to completely destroy the Night's Watch, giving the Wildling's the land they raped and murdered on, and he admits Jon wasn't a bad guy and was doing what he thought was right, but he would have doomed them all, I guess he could have let more Wildlings through but this whole thing's fucking retarded as they could obviously fight their way through the 50 guys left lmao
then by Jon's corpse Ghost is sniffing at Davos hand with the missing fingers as if he can tell and then goes and sadly sits by Jon's body as Davos realizes Alliser will have noticed them not attending and will be officially in charge now and Edd insists on revenge but Davos points out they don't have the numbers and Jon wouldn't want them to die for nothing but Edd doesn't give a fuck and is ready to die since it'll probably happen anyway and Davos says they can go get help from others who owe their lives to Jon Snow... and Edd realizes who he means so tells them to bolt the door and he'll be back as soon as he can
then in Winterfell Ramsay is over Myranda's body talking about how he first saw her when she was 11 when she smelled of dog and he wasn't must older but everyone was already afraid of him and looks up to the Maester and reminds him "you certainly were" as he shivers in fair as he keeps talking about how Myranda wasn't afraid of him from working with vicious hounds as a child and remembers "she was fearless, there was nothing she wouldn't do" giving a sad smile and he puts his hand on her head and promises her corpse "your pain will be paid for a thousand times over... I wish you could be here to watch" and the Maester asks if he wants a grave or a pyre for her and Ramsay looks like he's about to break down crying when the question interrupts him and he grumbles "buried, burned? this is good meat, feed it to the hounds"uhhhhhhhhh ok hol up hol up RAMSAY ACTUALLY LOVED MYRANDA? I get that he enjoyed her as a fun playmate but uhhhhhhhh it seems a bit... out of character for him and he just treated her like another source of amusement previously, I get it's meant to add some depth to him but he's clearly meant to be a psychopath who doesn't give a shit about anyone else other than what satisfaction they can bring him not even caring about his own father outside of how he can feed his ego but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude at least the actor did a good job with it like he was surprised to find himself feeling grief which he's never felt before and immediately losing it when the Maester distracts him because he's got such a shallow emotional range
then with Roose he's complimenting his son on his command of the cavalry charge that killed Stannis but when he asks who struck the killing blow Ramsay says he doesnt' know and ironically Roose says he'd have rewarded the man who did it and when his father asks "do you feel like a victor?" and Ramsay can tells his father's no where near actually approving him yet as Roose points out that was easy compared to facing the Lannister army they risk fighting for his marriage to Sansa uh ohhhh and Roose talks about how they need her to rally the North behind them but she's gone because "you played your games with her, you played your games with the heir to the Iron Islands and now they're both gone" and Ramsay tries to play this obvious disaster that's all his fault for being a psycho down by saying "I have a team of men after them with some of my best hounds, they won't get far" and Roose reminds him he needs Sansa to produce a heir "and without a heir... well... let's hope the maester's are right and Lady Walda is carrying a boy" and Ramsay realizes his inheritance is on the line and he'll go back to being a bastard hmmm maybe you shouldn't rape and torture people you need to work with really gets the psychopathic noggin joggin
then we see Reek, sorry Theon again, and Sansa running like fuck through the tundra as they hear hounds barking furiously in the distance behind them and Theon tells her they have to cross through a freezing cold river and she refuses saying she'll die but Theon tells her "I've seen what those hounds do to a person and this way is better" and holds her hand as he takes her through the agonizing cold river as she whimpers in pain but it's nothing to Theon and on the other side he takes her under a collapsed tree I guess he knows from being taken hunting by Ramsay and he holds her close in a hug to keep her warm but also because he wants some intimacy for probably the first time in his entire life but the hounds start barking near them again and Theon says he'll distract them as he's already gone through like 3 different layers of ego death at this stage and Sansa whimpers that she won't make it without him but he assures her she will and tells her to go to Jon in Castle Black uhhh awkward and THEON RUNS OUT IN FRONT OF THE HUNTING PARTY and the leader demands to know where Sansa is and he claims "dead, broke her leg jumping from the ramparts, I left her to die in the snow" but unsurprisingly walking 10 meters away from their target and talking to them does not confuse bloodhounds and they immediately find Sansa hiding lmao
alright some rebel force that supports the Starks is gonna save them aren't they, maybe the Brotherhood, and the leader taunts Theon "I can't wait to see what parts Ramsay cuts off you this time" as they drag Sansa out of her hiding place but then they hear another horse incoming and the leader looks up and sees "IT'S A BLOODY WOMAN?"AS... BRIENNE RIDES IN! SLASHING HIM OFF HIS HORSE OATHKEEPER FOR LIFE BITCH
AND PODRICK THE ABSOLUTE MAD LAD HAS BEEN SWORD TRAINING AND STARTS HORSE TO HORSE DUELLING ANOTHER GUARD AND BRIE TURNS AROUND AND RIDES TO ANOTHER MOUNTED GUARD DEFLECTING HIS BLOW BUT ANOTHER GUARD WHACKS HER OFF HER HORSE AND THE GUARD DISMOUNTS AND KICK HER IN THE FACE AS SHE GRABS HER SWORD AND SHE HOPS UP GRUNTING LIKE A MADWOMAN AS SHE DEFLECTS THE GUARDS SWORD BLOWS AND AS SOON AS HE GIVES AN OPENING SHE SLASHES HIM DOWN HIS TORSO
AND SLITS HIS THROAT AS HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND THE OTHER MOUNTED GUARD GALLOPS AT HER FULL SPEED SO BRIE SIMPLY HOPS UP TALL ENOUGH TO GRAB HIM STRAIGHT OFF HIS HORSE LMAO
AND THEON WATCHES AS PODRICK DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST HIS GUARD AND PICKS UP A SWORD FOR HIMSELF BUT PODRICK SEIZES HIS OPENING AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO THE GUARDS BELLY FALLING OFF HIS HORSE ON TOP OF HIM
BUT ANOTHER GUARD WALKS UP AND STARTS FURIOUSLY DUELLING HIM AS BRIE GRABS THE MAN SHE PINNED UNDER HIS HORSE WHO BEGS "NO! PLEASE!" AS SHE SLITS HIS FUCKING THROAT WITH HIS OWN KNIFE
and after like 3 years his posture goes from hunched over and tired to standing upright and Sansa sits there hyperventilating from the cold and all this horrifying violence and Theon goes back to her side in case these two mean her harm but Brie walks up and places her sword down at her feed and says "Lady Sansa, I offer my services once again, I will shield your back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be, I swear it by the old gods and the new" and Sansa looks at Theon who nods at her like we need all the help we can get and Sansa says "and vow... that you shall always have a place by my harth and......" and Pod reminds her of the next part of whatever this weird ritual is "meat and mead at my table" and she finishes "and I pledge to ask no service of you that might bring you dishonor, I swear it by the old gods and the new... arise" and Brie picks up her sword and stands up and gives a weak little smile that she finally has her duty again and hopefully it goes better than the last two, or three if you include Ayra lol
then we see the Dornish ship Jaime is on returning to King's Landing, not sure why he didn't turn around and slaughter the four thots on the pier but maybe he didn't realize what happened, and we see NuCersei feeling her new short hair in her chambers when a handmaiden arrives and tells her of the arrival and Cersei gasps "Myrcella!" and skips through the castle super happy to see her daughter again after 4 years and The Zombie Mountain is waiting to guard her as she sees the fancy rowbot arrive with Jaime...
but she can already tell from his body language something is wrong and then she notices..... the body under the blanket in the back.... and she starts crying but like she's not even surprised, this is her life now, and then later as the bells toll for a royal death Jaime's sister asks him when the first time he saw a body was, and he says "mother", and Cersei talks about how she could only think what would happen to her next, but not spiritually... how the corpse would look... would she bloat, would her skin turn black, would her lips pull back from her teeth, and she can't bear locking Mycelle in a crypt for her beautiful face to decay and Jaime gets down on a knee and takes her hand and tries to get her to stop but Cersei is willingly punishing herself saying "I have to, it's not right that she suffers alone" but Jamie assures her "she's not suffering, she's gone, no one can hurt her anymore" and Cersei breaks down crying saying "she was good, from her first breath she was so sweet, I don't know where she came from, she was nothing like me, no meanness, no jealousy, just good, I thought if I could make so good, so pure... maybe I'm not a monster" is it just me or has Cersei literally not done anything wrong so far? she told Jaime to push Bran out the window but it was him that actually did it the absolute mad lad, she was mean and rude to Sansa but who cares with what else happened to her, she threatened to kill Tyrion's lover but never did, she had Tyrion locked up but she legit thought he killed Joffrey, I guess the worst thing she did was turn Loras over to the High Sparrow but that was probably going to happen anyway from her dumb decision to arm them that blewback on her immediately, I guess that's life though, people who are not that bad hate themselves and the biggest pieces of shit think they're great lmao and Jaime tries to take the blame but Cersei says "no I knew this would happen, the witch told me years ago, she promised me three children and she promised me they'd die" lmao not this dumb shit again, are they seriously going to have Cersei acting crazy now because she just accepts it as fact that Tommen will die soon? not to mention that Valar Morghulis bitch everyone's children die she didn't specify if it wouldn't be as an old man and she starts ranting about how it's prophecy and fate and when Jaime tries to talk reason she says he gave a prophecy with Tywin died that people would try to tear them apart and they did and she should have listened to him and Jaime grabs her and swears "FUCK PROPHECY, FUCK FATE, FUCK EVERYONE WHO ISN'T US, we're the only ones who matter, the only ones in this world and everything they've taken from us we're going to take back and more we're going to take everything there is" ok don't forget your remaining son lmao and also I take it she updated him on the whole you know... religious cult taking over from the royal family and making her march through the streets naked while people threw their shit at her issue
then we see a septa reading the not!bible to Marg still in her cell about sinners burning in hell and she asks to see Loras but the septa just says "confess" not even telling her how he is telling her "sinners don't make demands, they make confessions" and she snaps the book shut and is about to beat her with it when the door opens and the High Sparrow and calls Septa Unella, the cunty one, out and he handwaves her away as overzealous and tells Marg that Tommen misses her and tries to get her to confess again but Marg insists she has nothing to confess and the High Sparrow asks her if she thinks she's truly without sin but Marg admits "none of us are" and the High Sparrow says "you have started down the path, but you have many miles to go" and leaves her
then in Dorne Doran has managed to get to his feet and is being walked by Elly up the stairs of his palace as he talks about how he used to envy Oberyn for how vibrant his life was while he's burdened with responsibility, ironically Oberyn was probably jealous of his authority and would have given up his adventuring life to switch places but that's life, and Elly tells her he'd have been a shit adventurer and Oberyn would have been a worse ruler and he jokes to the Sand Snake Slut, or Triple S as I'll call her until I remember her real name, that her mother is a smart woman, and then the supposedly greedy Maester comes up to hand a note informing him of Myrcella's death so THE SLUTTY SAND SNAKE STABS THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD IN THE BACK, NOTHIN PERSONEL NIG
AND DORAN TRIES TO GRAB AT ELLY BUT SHE JUST THROWS HIM OUT HIS WHEELCHAIR and starts deriding him "when was the last time you left this palace? you don't know your own people, their disgust for you, Elia Martell raped and murdered and you did nothing, Oberyn Martell butchered and you did nothing, you're not a Dornishman, you're not our prince" and Doran moans "my son Trystane...." but Elly scoffs "your son is weak just like you and weak men will never rule Dorne again" as he bleeds to death wow how convenient the entire populace and his own personal bodyguards support a coup even though he's done nothing but keep the peace in Dorne that's ravished their Northern neighbours quite epic very nice writing and not some comic book shit you'd see in Into the Badlands, I'm gonna say some real sexist shit but here we go: this feels like it was written by women lmao, it seems like whenever female writers start working on a genre property like say Dexter or Punisher: Warzone it becomes extremely goofy since most women seem to find genre material just silly and amusing and don't get that men unironically find this shit exciting and interesting and they just play up the most surface level shock value and wacky twists while ignoring the more grounded character and narrative dynamics behind it, but no these are just men who are having to come up with their own ideas now that GRRM has run out of books for them and it's fucking ridiculous
then we see poor Trysten or whatever his name is on his boat I guess about to just sail back home but first he's painting the stones with eyes for Myrcella's funeral when there's a knock on the door and he thinks it's the servant and says "I'm not hungry" but IT'S THE OTHER TWO SAND SNAKES and the asian one tells him "we're not here to feed you, we're here to kill you" wait wait wait... was that his family's castle? so he is back home? then why's he painting the stones for Myrcella's funeral? he's just doing that to express his grief or something? uh ok and the asian one with the whip tease him "you want her to do it... or me?"oh my don't make me fap to this goofy writing please, personally I'd request to get double team snuffed
and Trysten being quite the Chad says "we are family, I don't want to hurt you" since they're his uhhhhh... cousins? and Obara snorts, who I think... changed actresses? I don't even care anymore, but the asian one demands "her? or me?" and Trysten takes out his sword and orders "you" at her and she purrs "good" and Obara taunts "smart boy" and relaxes to watch Trysten circle around in front of her sister who readies her whip but OBARA JUST RAMS HER SPEAR THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS SKULL AND OUT HIS FACE LMAO and the asian gets huffy that she stole a fun fight from her and whines "you're a greedy bitch you know that?" and storms out leaving Trysten's corpse bleeding out on the floor of his cabin, kinda hot tbh, just fuck the entire show up and have it be nothing but the Sand Snakes killing everyone in erotic ways thanks
then in Meereen Tyrion has decided that he can't rule from the top of an 800 foot pyramid and is walking around amongst his people (who have no idea who he is lmao) but Varys isn't so sure about that and gives a passing freed slave a dodgy look as Tyrion assures him "we'll be fine" very dumb and out of character since Varys prides himself on being able to blend in anywhere but maybe he's just trying to manipulate Tyrion to be more careful and he warns him "you walk like a rich person, I used to steal from people like you when I was a boy" and Tyrion memes "it's a good thing you're not a boy anymore........... because you have no cock" and Varys looks down like wow goodone dickhead and he comes across a poor woman on the streets with a baby and Tyrion takes out coins and says in Valyrian "for the baby, to eat" but she recoils in fear and Varys says "she thinks you want to eat her baby" lmaoooooo and explains to the poor poor woman in far better Valyrian who takes the coin and bows her head in thanks as Tyrion awkwardly walks off and they find the old KILL THE MASTERS graffiti which has had MYSHA IS A MASTER written under it since the people hate Dany for beheading that one guy and not, you know, the actual masters for massacring an entire stadium of what must have been hundreds of people on both sides and Varys awkwardly does his hold habit of wrapping his robe around himself but with his cape that looks weird as they discuss how it was probably the Sons of the Harpy but it might have also been the freed men and they follow a poor man to find a group of them listening to a man in a red suit preaching that the Lord of Light sent Dany to them and urges them to fight for themselves now she's gone and Tyrion explains a lot of freed people feel she abandoned them and in a very cringy line very obviously put in for new viewers who have no idea what the fuck is going on and only watch it because it's popular without even catching up on the old episodes like at least I'm doing Varys expositions what Tyrion witnessed himself and he fucking didn't "well she did ride away on a dragon and hasn't come back" right thanks and Tyrion walks through an empty city centre lamenting how everyone's too scared of violence since "no matter who you are someone in this city wants to murder you" even though it's literally just one guy who murdered a SotH and they're indiscriminately killing anyone but Both Sides™ I guess since this conflict is extremely underwritten despite having two fucking seasons in this shithole and of course someone is le spying on them le mysteriously and Varys deduces that their attack at the arena was too well planned for them not to have a leader that he's already hunting for but then they hear people screaming in the distance and bells ringing and civvies running through and Tyrion looks up like here we go again and they walk towards the screaming to find... A HUGE FIRE yeah right they wouldn't have been able to see the smoke from that from the city center and Tyrion finds ALL THE SHIPS IN THE HARBOUR HAVE BEEN BURNT DOWN and he laments "well we won't be be sailing to Westeros anytime soon" uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh GET THIS FUCKING DANY STORYLINE OVERWITH ALREADY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
speaking of a dumb storyline Jorah and Daario finally get to the quite Scottish-like location Drogon landed in and they find a ram's skeleton he'd scorched and eaten and they discuss if Dany just got tired of being queen and wants to fly far away "where there's no men like us" but Jorah laments "I've been all over the world, there's no escaping men like us" ugh patriarchy right? and Daario asks Jorah why he keeps coming back to her and he grumbles "you know why" and Daario asks him genuinely "isn't that frustrating? wanting someone who doesn't want you back?" and Jorah admits "of course it is" and Daario tries to compliment him by saying he's a romantic and he hopes he'll be like him when he grows old but Jorah snaps "IF you grow old" pointing out he's a dumbass who'll get himself killed soon but then Jorah sneaks a peak at... the greyscale that's spreading up his arm, meaning he'll probably die before him, but then they come across a huge weird circular pattern in the grass and Daario asks "an army?" but Jorah corrects "a hoard" as he can tell only the Dothraki would ride horses like that and they look in the centre that Dany stood in to find... her ring, ah I guess she dropped it to let Jorah know she was there to help him find her, there was a white rock in the background that I thought was gonna be her dress to imply they stripped her naked or something but I guess not yet
then we cut to a shitty desert with a huge hoard of Dothraki riding through to a mountain top and we see they have Dany tied up and making her march along with all their civilians and A DOTHRAKI RIDER WHIPS DANY TO KEEP HER MARCHINGheheheheeh yeah get owned bitch, literally and they laugh at her when she looks worried at them and one asks the other "maybe she saw a ghost? my friends mother saw a ghost and her hair turned white" and his friend tells him "PINK PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THE SUN" WE WOKE TWITTER NOW BOIS and he proposes "it hurts their skin, this one stood in the sun too long and her hair goes white" and the other ponders "THINK SHE'S GOT WHITE PUSSY HAIR TOO?" not knowing Dany can speak Dothraki lol and he asks "you ever been with a woman with white pussy hair?" and his friend memes "ONLY WHEN I WAS FUCKING YOUR GRANDMA" lmaooo and he just chuckles and kisses obnoxiously at Dany and tells her in Dothraki "I'll ask Khal Moro for a night with you" and his friend says "pretty eyes, but she's an idiot" I guess for getting lose in the plains by herself and the creeper notes "she doesn't have to be smart to get fucked in the ass" and Dany looks away in disgust clearly understanding what they're saying and the more sensitive man for a savage killer that is says "I like to talk when I'm finished, otherwise we might as well be dogs" sounds like Dany has a new white knight to save her
and she looks up (thought she was hearing horns but thats part of the score lol nice shit sound design) to see the hills full of the tents of this tribe with thousands of members and later we find them coming to her having been left by a pond in the middle of a camp and they march her to a large tent and presents her to a dodgy Aquaman cosplayer who's their leader and his adviser lusts "look at her lips" but his jealous wives warn him "blue-eyed women are witches" "cut off her head before she casts a spell on you" and he jokes that "even if I was blind if I heard my wives say "cut off her head" I'd know she was beautiful" and getting us right back into the cringy conan the barbarian dialog he says "I'm glad I'm not blind, seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time, what is better than that?" and his idiot advisers propose "killing another Kahl?" "conquering a city and taking her people as slaves?" "breaking a wild horse?" and the Khal is forced to say "seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is among the five best things in life" as his idiot friends wont stop answering his rhetorical question and he goes to tear open Dany's dress but she says in Dothraki "do not touch me" and everyone bricks it and look sate ach other and Dany does her insane titledrop memes in Dothraki and everyone just stares nervously but then MORO JUST LAUGHS AT HER and everyone relaxes and he takes her head and tells her "you are nobody, millionth of her name, Queen of Nothing, slave of Khal Moro, tonight I will lie with you and if the Great Stallion is kind you will give me a son do you understand?" and Dany tells him "I will not lie with you and I will bear no children for you or anyone else" and one of his wives says "I warned you she was a witch, cut off her head!" but Moro likes her and Dany reveals "I was wife to Khal Drogo, son of Khal Bharbo" (I think I just realized a twitch streamers DnD character was named after that guy, shoutout to Chad and the Barbos, Midori did nothing wrong) and Moro bricks it and says "Khal Drogo is dead" and Dany reveals "I know, I burnt his body" and recoils saying "forgive me, I did not know, it is forbidden to lie with a Khal's widow no one will touch you you have my word" and he slits her binds OH HOW CONVENIENT THE WARLORD RESPECTS THE DEAD LEADER WHO'S MEN LOST FAITH IN HIM AND ABANDONED HIM EN MASS AND BELIEVES THIS RANDOM WOMAN SHE WAS HIS WIFE VERY CONVENIENT and Dany asks to be taken back to Meereen in exchange for a thousand horses but he says "when a Khal dies there is only one place for a Kaleesi" and his wives perk up knowing this is what might happen to them but what will happen to Dany sooner "Vaes Dothrak, the Temple of the Dosh Khaleen" ok that narrows it down "to live out her days with the widows of dead Khals" and Dany's face drops AND HOW DID THIS WOMAN WHO AS A KHAL'S WIFE AND GOT REALLY INTO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR CULTURE NEVER LEARN OF THIS AT ANY STAGE ESPECIALLY WHEN HER HUSBAND WAS DEATHLY ILL? THIS WOULDN'T BE... SOME RANDOM BULLSHIT YOU JUST MADE UP NOT IN THE BOOKS WOULD IT?
and back in the streets of uhhh some city there are a lot of beggers filling up a path most people ignore and we find... blind Arya begging with a bowl in rags, lmao rekt, and when she hears people walk past she offers the bowl, and a man sees she's blind so feels sorry and gives her a coin, and she overhears men saying "who'd go there after what happened to that Kingsguard?" "probably had it coming!" "maybe so but I'm not risking it" lol rip that establishment and Arya notices that if she's just sitting there listening a lot of people share some pretty personal conversations when they think they're walking by strangers in public and then what sounds like the cunty girl asks her "are you listening blind girl? do any of them talk to you? no... so sad" so I guess she wasn't the one who poisoned themselves for an epic prank and we see that it is, and she tosses a staff to Arya making her drop her bowl and whacks her with hers and goads her into sparring and Arya whines "I can't see" as the girl effortlessly knocks her down and walks out the way of her swipes and slaps her in the face repeatedly and Arya gets mad and tries to swing but the girl just keeps knocking her down over and over again but Arya keeps getting up until the girl says "see you tomorrow" and walks off smug, ok thanks for the training, and Arya sits there miserable
then in Castle Black Alliser has realized what's going on and has his men aiming crossbows and bows and arrows at Davos door, who I guess narratively is just going to be Jon's adviser now, sorry I mean uhhh Edd's lets pretend Jon isn't coming back, and when he knocks on the door Jon's few remaining friends draw their swords and Ghost snarls, and Davos hears Alliser bait them out saying they're both knights and he'll honer him by granting amnesty to any brother who throws down their swords before night and let Davos go with a fresh horse and Davos takes the piss by adding "and some mutton?" and Alliser is like "whu?" and Davos memes about how he's "not much of a hunter" and Alliser looks around at his men who scowl ready to rock and Alliser agrees and says he can even take the Red Woman with him... or leave her there, but he warns they better surrender before nightfall it it ends with blood, and Davos swallows knowing they're realistically fucked either way and swallows hard and tries to thank him for his consideration without letting it sound in his voice how scared he is so Alliser storms off mad and Davos warns them "boys, I've been running from men like that my whole life, in my learned opinion, we open that door..." "they'll slaughter us all" "they wanna come in" "they're gonna come in" the men chip in anxiously but Davos tells them "aye... but we don't need to make it easy for them" but they think Edd is their only chance and Davos realizes "there's always the Red Woman" and we cut to the lady in question doing her favorite hobby of starring at fire when she looks over at a mirror and looks at her warped reflection on this shitty polished metal mirror and then she starts taking her dress off to examine her breasts in the mirror, what is she doing a breast cancer check or something, and she looks sad and takes off even her necklace which I guess was casting some sort of illusion because THE RED LADY IS ACTUALLY AN ANCIENT OLD WOMAN!!!
and she looks at her warped body in the warped mirror and there's some uhhh really bad CGI to age up the actresses face and put it on the old as fuck body lol as she goes to bed in her true form, maybe that necklace is actually keeping her from dying of old age or something and now she has nothing to live for with Stannis rekt so wants to die naturally now or something, wait.... hang on... I can.... uggghhhh I can feel something.... a p-p-plot hole..... DIDN'T WE SEE THE RED LADY WITH HER NECKLACE OFF WHEN SHE TOOK A BATH IN FRONT OF STANNIS WIFE? or maybe the necklace just helps her keep the magic spell up and she can do it without it if she wants for a bit or something, idk the writing has gotten so silly that I don't care that much about theorizing anymore so will just say a Duke Nuken meme: HELL, I'D STILL HIT IT
Game of Thrones 6x02: "Home" rez plz special edition
First aired: May 1, 2016
after like 2 fucking years we finally get back to Bran's storyline since they had caught up to his journey in the books by the end of season 4 so just left him out of season 5 but now it's time to fuck this shit up too with DnD's own ideas and we pan over the old guy who I think changed actors sitting in his tree throne with Bran laying at his feet lmao he's been stuck there unable to walk for 2 years and a crow is flying about as they are both warging with their eyes white and we cut to two little boys training sword fighting with wooden equipment and I guess maybe it's Robb and Jon training or something and Bron and the old creepy guy are watching this flashback together from the ramparts but no the older boy is Ned and he's helping up "my uncle Benjen" oh my god this Benjen that we've never seen, he's not the guy who kicked CIA's ass is it? and the much older looking now Bran looks at all the citizens of Winterfell going about their normal lives and notes "they were all so happy" and the old man notes "so were you once" and then a teenage girl rides a horse around them and Bran says "my aunt Lyanna, I've seen her statue in the krypt, my father never talked about her" god who's this... this is the Mad King's... l-lover? who he was chating on Oberyn's sister with? and King Robb loved her too so he and Ned teamed up to take down the Mad King mostly for her or something? and Jon is his secret son or something and Dany's half brother? I can't keep track of all this family tree bullshit, and the old man goes to talk to her but Bran has seemingly teleported down to the ground to watch the kids more closely and HIS ANCESTORS INVITE BRAN TO SPAR
much to his shock as I guess the memories are not meant to interact with him unless he's actually time traveling or some Hiro Nakamura shit but I guess it's more this isn't the exact events that happened but like past events expressing themselves in his imagination that he can accidentally change on no wait they're talking about another boy called Wylis behind Bran ok false alarm hela ebinnnnnnnn and Bran turns around to see a very overweight tall boy and Bran realizes "HODOR?"
and the old man nods and Hodor is apparently not mentally disabled yet and holds a normal conversation with Lyanna about how the other boys fighting styles and Bran gasps "hodor talks!" and it actually looks like he has a scar on his forehead idk if this is some dumb shit where he has it as an adult that I never noticed but they changed how he gets his brain damage that it wasn't from something that could give him a scar so had to explain it away as he already had it as a boy from something unrelated ebin but as huge Hodor, or Wylis, is about to fight lil Ned a middle aged woman stops him and Benjen moans "oh Nan look at the size of him, if he ever learned to fight he'd be unstoppable!" but Nan insists he's just a stable boy and Bran enjoys seeing his loved ones in happier times and asks "just a little longer" as he's getting addicted to video games
but the old man puts his hand on his shoulder and forces him awake back to his paralyzed body stuck in some creepy cave and he looks up to see SOME FUCKING ELF WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK KINDA STAR TREK SHIT IS THIS? and he whines "you finally show me something I care about and you drag me away?" and the old man who I think the main difference is someone gave him a fucking beard and hair cut tells him "it is beutiful beneath the sea but if you stay too long you'll drown" which I think is a metaphor for the land of the dead since most of those people were rip'd and Bran whines "I wasn't drowning, I was home..." and the crow flies away and the elf lady and old man look around awkward as he's falling to temptation and he looks up at Hodor and calls him "Wylis" who sighs "hodor" to confirm and Bran asks "I saw you as a boy, you could talk, what happened?" uhhhh not sure you'll get an answer and Hodor goes "...hhhodor?" as if he doesn't remember that himself and he asks "where's Meera?" and Hodor nods his head in her direction and says, you guessed it, "hodor" and carries him out through a door that's actually leading out of the cave and puts Bran down behind Meera who's staring out into the frozen landscape and he warns her it's not safe but she says "it's not safe anywhere" and Bran tells her proud "I saw that Hodor was not always Hodor" and Hodor proudly says "hodor!" like he's glad someone finally gives him credit and he explains "his real name is Wylis! and he could talk and fight and-" but Meera snaps around angry and he asks "what's wrong? the three eyed raven says there's a war coming" and she snaps "and we're going to fight it in there?" and scoffs at him clearly booty blasted about not avenging her brother and Bran just looks up sadly at Hodor knowing she needs time to herself and Hodor gets the hint and takes him back inside, I wonder what the fuck these people have been eating, just veggies from the tree I guess, and out of nowhere a girl says to her "Brandon Stark needs you" and she looks over to see the weird elf lady, who I guess is a grown up version of the little girl throwing grenades around? who they have seemingly not only recast but covered in wacky make-up, I guess that's to make her closer to the books but it's a weird change, and Meera moans about him just having visions and nothing happening but she tells her he won't stay there forever and it's out there he needs her, and Meera sits there staring out at the horizon knowing she's right and Bran can't just have Hodor carrying him through a fucking warzone without someone to defend them
then back in Castle Black with the very fucking dumb and retarded storyline where Alliser with like 43 men under his command can't siege one fucking room with like 6 guys in it but I guess they're scared of the wolf or something and he starts nagging him to open the door again as if he's a father with a child having a huff and locking themselves in their room and Alliser tries bargaining that "we'll even set the wolf free North of The Wall where it belongs... no one needs to die tonight" but Ghost is growling as he can sense it's gonna kick off anyway and Davos confesses to the lads in there "I've never been much of a fighter" but grabs a sword anyway and says "apologies for what you're about to see" and draws his sword and so does everyone else and Alliser hears them so orders a man to start beating down the door with a big hammer and the men brace themselves and Ghost starts snarling but... then there's a loud thud... at the front door... and the archers turn to aim at it and WUN WUN KICKS THE MAIN DOOR IN LIKE IT'S NOTHING AND ROARS AT THEM AS HUNDREDS OF WILDLINGS STORM IN WITH EDD AND TORMUND
AND ALLISER ORDERS "ATTAAAAACK!" AND TORMUND EFFORTLESSLY DEFLECTS, KNOCKS DOWN AND KILLS THE FIRST MAN TO COME AT HIM AND EVERYONE BACKS THE FUCK UP AND ALLISER SCREAMS "FIGHT YOU COWARDS!!!" SO A MAN SHOOTS HIS CROWSBOW INTO WUN WUN'S BACK... WHO SIMPLY PULLS HIM OFF THE BALCONY AND KILLS HIM BY SLAMMING HIM INTO A WALL AND TOSSES THE BODY IN FRONT OF THE OTHER MEN WHO ALL DROP THEIR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER LMAO
hmmm very convenient a second instance of the cavalry arriving to save the clear good guys from the clear bad guys very exciting writing that's definitely not different from the first half of the show and Alliser staggers forward to growl at Edd "you fucking traitor!" but Edd tells him "the only traitors here are the ones who shoved their knives into their Lord Commander's heart" and Alliser goes on a rant about how Castle Black has held against wildlings for thousands of years and Tormund reminds him "until you" and OLLY RUSHES TORMUND WITH HIS SWORD RAISED SCREAMING LIKE A MADMAN AT THE MAN WHO MY LAI'D HIS VILLAGE BUT HE JUST GRABS HIM AND THROWS HIM TO HIS MENS ARMS and they grab Alliser too and Edd says "throw them into the cells where they belong" and very out of character Tormund takes orders from literally the 7 Night's Watchmen left and doesn't just kill these guys who obviously will try to fuck his people over first chance they get from being extremely butthurt at them and then Edd takes him to see Jon's dead body and Tormund notes "took a lot of knives" as he'd like to think the man he fought through an army of the undead with didn't go down easy (even though what actually happened is he just stood there like an idiot letting them knife him lmao) and he just mutters "I'll have my men get wood for a fire, bodies to burn" and storms off
then in King's Landing a drunken man is telling a bar full of people laughing in hysterics "right so there she is, high and mighty Queen Cersei, tits and arse jiggling in the breeze! all of a sudden she looks my way... gives me a little smile like "well?" so all right you know I've never been shy and I'm blessed down south! so I pull it right out! she's never seen anything like it! I mean she's used to her brother and from what I hear Jamie Lannister's half an inch shy of an inch! she sees it and I swear to the gods... she licks her lips! well you all know me you know I wouldn't lie about this!" well one I don't think anyone but Cersei has seen what Jaime has going on and two I guess this could be a commentary on how people always say women being abused actually liked it and three the man goes for a piss and he's at least not lying about being gifted down there but then there's heavy footsteps behind this man as he relieves himself and he turns around drunk out his mind and his urine starts making a tinkling noise as he pisses against... a knight's armor... and he looks up to see THE UNDEAD MOUNTAIN
and he just storms off like it's nothing, uhhhhhhh send him to go kill the High Sparrow lmao, and then in Cersei's room she's nervously pulling threads out of her dress when The Mountain comes stomping into the room and she notes the blood spray on him as he stares blankly at her out of his helmet so she just walks out the room and he stomps after her to find her confronted by a group of 13 Lannister guards and she orders them "get out of my way" and their leader says "King's orders Your Grace" and The Mountain steps forward causing him to fucking brick it as this guy somehow got more scary and he explains Tommen wants her to remain in the Red Keep for her own protection and Cersei realizes "you're barring me from attending my own daughter's funeral?" and the man nervously confirms eyeing The Mountain and Cersei says "I would like to speak to my son" and the leader says "he has left the Red Keep, Your Grace" as The Mountain grips his sword and him and all his men grip theirs and eye each other scared and The Mountain simply looks at her for her orders but she walks back up the stairs so he emotionlessly looks at the men and turns around stomping back up the stairs
then in the Sept Tommen and Jaime are over Myrcella's body where Tywin laid before her and Joffrey laid before him and he comments "she grew up" at the sister he hadn't seen in years and he Jaime says "almost" as she never got to become a woman and Tommen asks "have we caught Prince Trystane's killers?" and there's just silence as Tommen reveals "I suspect it was mother" and Jaime says "she wouldn't do that" and Tommen frankly says "yes she would" and Jaime cant deny it but asks "are you angry with her? why didn't you let her come? she has every right to be here" and Tommen shamefully says "they told me she wouldn't be allowed in the Sept... if they had tried-" but Jaime assures him "they're not putting your mother in a cell ever again, not while I'm here, why haven't you gone to see her?" and he just looks anxious and Jaime reminds him "everything she's had to endure she did it for you" as she's the last child standing and he yells "don't you think I know that?!" and catches himself that he just raised his voice to his uncle and probable father and Jaime is shocked to hear his nephewson raise his voice at someone for the first time in his life and Tommen says "I'm sorry... but I can't... when the Faith Militant seized her and Margaery... what did I do? when they paraded her through the streets like a whore, what did I do?" and Jaime assures him "we all fail sometimes" another line that could be ready differently if he'd forced himself on his sister at that very spot but we're well past the point of that shit writing by now and Tommen whines "the king is supposed to be the Protector of the Realm if I can't even protect my own wife or my own mother what good am I?" and Jaime advises him "go see your mother and ask her to forgive you" and then... the High Sparrow enters, and he greets them "Your Grace... Lord Commander" and Tommen tries to find his balls and demands/whines "I want to see my wife!" but he says some christfag shit about it being up to the gods and Jaime warns/orders "go and see your mother Tommen" as he stares straight at the old man and Tommen glances at Myrcella one last time and walks out realizing it's Real Nigga time and Jaime snarls "you're a bold man" and the High Sparrow chuckles and says "on the contrary... I fear a great deal, The Father, The Mother, The Warrior..." and chuckles as he looks at him as he fits that archetype and he walks up to Myrcella's corpse that I now notice has had her organs taken out and displayed in jars beside her body lmao and he asks "do you know why we use these stones?" to rip-off the Ancient Greek tradition of putting pennies on someones eyes to pay for passage to the otherworld? "to remind us not to fear death... we close our eyes on this world and open them on the next" and Jaime has been glaring at him the entire time and growls "you must long for the next life" and the High Sparrow chuckles "in truth I fear that too" and Jaime grumbles "you imprisoned and humiliated my sister" and the High Sparrow blames it on her saying "your sister sought the gods' mercy and atoned for her sin" and Jaime taunts him "what about my sins? I broke a sacred oath and stabbed my king in the back, I killed my own cousin, when the gods judged my brother guilty I helped him escape their justice, what atonement do I deserve?" as he marches up into the face of the man who represents all the hypocritical moralizing he fucking hates about this world and unsheathes his sword by an inch and High Sparrow murmurs "you would spill blood in this holy place?" probing for any faith in him but Jaime just assures him "oh the gods won't mind... they've spilled more blood than the rest of us combined" and the High Sparrow smirks thinking he sees Jaime's true nature and dares him "GO ON THEN, I DESERVE IT, WE ALL DO" and Jaime's shocked and then glares at him trying to figure out his game but the High Sparrow means it he's ready to go any time any place for his faith and tells him exactly what he thinks about this fucked up world "we are weak, vain creatures, we live only by the Mother's mercy" and then he hears something behind him and turns to see...
THE SEPT STARTS FILLING UP WITH ARMED SPARROWS and Jaime advises "they should be closer if you mean for them to save you" and the High Sparrow smiles saying "I don't, they'd never reach me before you struck" and Jaime realizes they're only there to punish the sinner who murders him and Jaime lets him know "I've fought against worse odds" yeah with both hands and the High Sparrow notes "no doubt many of us would fall... but who are we, hmm? we have no names no family, every one of us is poor and powerless, and yet together... we can overthrow an empire" oh shit... he's ye olde Bernie Sanders, and he just walks away knowing he's safe ok these are two great actors and everything but... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE SHOW BEING ABOUT PEOPLE FIGHTING OVER THE IRON THRONE IF WHOEVER SITS ON IT ACTUALLY HAS NO POWER? I know this goes into the theme of Varys asking who has power, the king, the rich man or the holy man, but uhhhhhhh Tommen comes from the richest family in the realm, has a personal army we've just seen are loyal enough to stand up to a fucking zombie Mountain and in a non-retardedly constructed universe King's are there by divine right in the first place so have the backing of the most influential religion anyway, this whole thing's fucking retarded and some old hippy and his cult shouldn't be able to overthrow the King of the most powerful country in the worldJUST ORDER YOUR PERSONAL ARMY, CITY GUARDS AND LEGIONS OF BANNERMEN TO FUCKING KILL THIS GUY AND HIS GANG OF UNTRAINED HOBOS WITH CLUBS oy oy oy
then we see Cersei staring out of the Red Keep at the Sept and fidgeting with her lions necklace like the one Myrcella had when useless cuck Tommen turns up asking "mother?" and she... walks past him to put her necklace down and asks "did they put her in the red gown or the gold?" and he says "gold" confirming the retarded plotline about the witches prophecy and Cersei just says "good, it was always her color" and maybe also some subtext of red is the Lannister's favorite color and gold is I guess Dornish so it's her saying she suited living there better and Tommen says "I'm sorry for keeping you here, I shouldn't have, but I was... I didn't want to lose you again" and Cersei says emotionlessly "I understand.... I'm glad to see you" and stares off outside not even looking at him once and Tommen goes up begging "I know I should have come sooner, I wanted to, I was wrong" and Cersei doesn't turn around and just says "it's all right" but Tommen can tell "no it's not, I should have executed all of them, I should have pulled down the Sept onto the High Sparrow's head before I let them do that to you as you would have for me, you raised me to be strong... and I wasn't, but I wanted to be... help me" and Cersei finally turns to Tommen and she looks at him disconnected as if she doesn't want to face the reality of losing her son if she lets him stay weak as her enemies tear them apart or losing her son as he has to end up becoming fucked up like his brother and father and grandfather to try to stay with her and she can't help but whisper "always" and gives in and hugs him close
then in Meereen we pan up from the toppled Great Pyramid Harpie statue they just left there and inside Varys tisks at Tyrion pouring another glass of wine and he memes at him "if I lost my cock I'd drink all the time" and Varys instantly dabs on him by looking over at... Grey Worm, and Tyrion cringes realizing he can't make those jokes that is just banter between friends now in front of someone else with that condition which is kind of like how you can make racist jokes with your black friends but then you accidentally say it in front of a new black friend and realize oh shit I sound like a total shithead lmao, and Tyrion sighs "meaning no offence!" and explains "he makes dwarf jokes, I make eunuch jokes" and Varys clarifies "I do not make dwarf jokes" but Tyrion accuses "you think them!" and Varys sighs as this little gremlin and addresses "so... the fleet, it's been burned" and Grey Worm says no one saw anything ah yes very convenient to reset the plot ebinnnnnnnn and Varys tells Tyrion the good news that "Astapor and Yunkai have stopped asking us for aid" but because "the masters have retaken both cities" oh.... "outside of Meereen the whole of Slavers Bay has returned to the slavers" and Missy and Grey Worm, two former slaves, share a worried glance, and Tyrion asks about the two dragons they have under the Pyramid but Missy says they haven't eaten since Dany left and Tyrion surmises it's because of their captivity as Dany's ancestors kept dragons in pens until they were no larger than cats and inquires if the dragons ever harmed Missy and when she says no he claims some maesters say they are even smarter than men and "have fondness for their friends and fury for their enemies" and claims he can make them his friend by giving them supper, and down in the crypts Varys looks scared for the first time in the show as he watches Tyrion descend into the darkness with a flaming torch and he bigs himself up as he hears a metal chain scraping... and ooooh I'm waiting for the juuuump scaaaaaaaaare he hears a scary purring and he looks back at Varys who just shrugs like your idea dickhead and then he sees.... two giant heads in the darkness... and ONE OF THE DRAGONS LIGHTS UP IT'S THROAT READY TO SPRAY and you can see it has two little pipes at the side of it's throat as if it sprays out some flamable liquid or gas to spread the flame it somehow gathers at the back of it's throat
but Tyrion backs the fuck up real fast and it sees he's not a threat and closes it's mouth and he looks over at the second one that almost looks the size of Drogon when compared to him and he whimpers through the fear "I-I'm friends with your mother" as they grunt and moan at him confused and when he tries to approach one it growls at him so he stops and says "I'm here to help... don't eat the help heh" and it grumbles at him as if it likes someone talking to it again so he goes on "when I was a child an uncle asked what gift I wanted for my name day I begged him for one of you "it wouldn't even have to be a big dragon" I told him "it could be little like me"" and he lays down his torch as he moves around the dragon's head going on "everyone laughed like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard, then my father told me the last dragon had died a century ago, I cried myself to sleep that night" as he closes his eyes realizing this might be the moment he dies but he dares to reach out and... touch the dragon... that just lays there letting him as they're lonely down there, and when he opens his eyes to find he's alive he goes on "but here you are..." and he decides yolo fam and pulls the pin on the dragon's colar which it immediately pulls off and when Tyrion looks to the side THE OTHER DRAGON'S IN HIS FACE but it... turns to the side... expecting him to free it too... clever girl, and Tyrion realizes they are at least fairly intelligent so he goes up to it as carefully as he dares and then pulls the pin out and watches as they strut around with each other glad to be free of their restraints and Tyrion picks the torch back up and realized he's pushed his luck so walks as fast as he can back to the entrance as Varys stares slack jawed at what just happened as his little friend asks him "next time I have an idea like that... punch me in the face" and Varys nods as if he's right and they rush out as they hear the dragons snort and scurry around with their new freedom
then in Braavos Arya looks like shit on the same street corner when the bitchy girl asks "what's your name?" and she sits upright knowing what will happen and gets immediately smashed in the jaw by her staff and she still has hers so steps forward to fight and the bitchy girl asks "what's your name?" and Arya snaps to where she hears her voice and says "no one" and the bitch says "I don't believe that" as they're doing some fucked up Reek training on her to let go of her old identity and Arya angrily attacks where she last heard the girl but she's already to her side and pokes her calling her out "you don't believe that" and Arya attacks her new position only to miss and get poked and she tries to chase the girl who dodges easily again and keeps smashing her down to the ground and Arya gets so angry she stands up and just screams and flails her pole around angrily in every direction but the girl is long gone and after like 10 seconds of flailing at empty air impotently Jaqen grabs the staff and asks "who are you?" and she claims "no one" and Jaqen offers "if a girl says her name a man will let her sleep under a roof tonight" and Arya tries "a girl has no name" and Jaqen tempts "if a girl says her name a man will feed her tonight" but Arya says again "a girl has no name" and Jaqen sighs as if he doesn't want to do it but tempts "if a girl says her name a man will give her eyes back" which would be cruel if it wasn't le ambiguous question to what the right answer is, maybe the name she's meant to give is "no one" rather than "Arya" like she's saying the right thing, but the way the actor is reading it it sounds like tempting her to give up, and maybe the it's some brainwashing shit to make her not sure what the right answer is but just keep saying "no one" until she starts to believe it to avoid the stress of not knowing what to say, and Arya almost cracks but sticks with "a girl has no name" and Jaqen tells her to come with him and when she goes to get her begging bowl he tells her "leave it, a girl is not a beggar anymore" so she creeps after him
then we see Roose being told of the bodies of their best hunters being found by the new Lord Karstark and Ramsay has already deduced that she must be going to Jon as her only ally left and when Roose dismisses that he's a bastard Ramsay reminds him "so was I" as if to say he could rise up too and Karstark warns he'll never have the North as long as a Stark is free and Ramsay suggests just attack Castle Black since they barely have any men left but Roose snaps "murder the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? you'd unite every house in the North against us!" and Ramsay stands there blankly and says "we don't... need every house in the North, the Umbers the Manderlys and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined... with their support none could challenge us" and Karstark says "the Starks lost my house the day King Robb cut off my father's head, it's time for new blood in the North" and Roose gets a weird look as if he's thinking yeah you'll get blood but he warns his son "if you get a reputation as a mad dog you'll be treated as a mad dog, taken out back and slaughtered for pig feed" which is true people who rule by fear rarely make it to the second generation before they get executed, murdered in the street or assassinated like Saddam, Gaddafi or Osama (of course not being liked by America also doesn't help) but then the maester turns up to announce "my Lords, Lady Walda has given birth... a boy! red-cheeked and healthy!" very happy with himself and Ramsay gets a far off look like oh well it's fucking kill everyone time then and Karstark gives his congratulations and Ramsay realizes he needs to keep up appearances and hugs his father his congratulations and says "I look forward to meeting my new brother" and Roose can probably tell he's thinking some evil shit and tells him "you'll always be my first born" trying to keep him from getting too butthurt and Ramsay struggles to keep his composure as he says "thank you for saying that, it means a great deal to me" as it does but probably not in the healthy way and RAMSAY STABS ROOSE IN THE CHEST!!!
that actually made me flinch because I didn't see it coming right there even though he'd obviously kill him at some point I just wasn't expecting it literally immediately but that's our boy Ramsay and Roose get's that confused look in his eyes people get when they die like how could this happen to me but when he falls to his knees he actually gets a knowing look like no actually he really did figure this would probably happen to him rofl and just lays his head down and shuts his eyes to die peacefully not even really that shocked lmao and the maester looks like uhhhhh as Ramsay cleans the blood off his knife and orders him "send ravens to all the northern houses: Roose Bolton is dead... poisoned by our enemies" and she can't take his eyes off his masters dead body but Ramsay checks "how did he die?" and the maester mumbles "poisoned by his enemies" and Karstark realizes he better play nice and snaps at the maester "you're talking to your Lord use respect" which just pisses Ramsay off that he's sucking up and the maester begs "forgive me your Lord" and Ramsay adds "send for Walda and the baby" and the maester swallows as he knows what that means and he begs "she's resting my Lord" but Ramsay just has to look at him for him to give up the baby he just delivered "at once my Lord" as he rushes out and then Ramsay gives one last look to his father as creepy music plays alright uhhhhhhh this was a good shock but fucking retarded, as if Ramsay would not do this in private instead of in front of two witnesses who both have reason to fuck him over, the maester who's been established as being scared of him and the Karstark who just been established to have a strong sense of honor especially towards fathers and also just been established to be one of three other powerful Northern houses, what's stopping this guy for running tell dat about what he did to the other houses so they lose support and team up with him to overthrow the Bolton's who now have lost a great strategic planner and politician and replaced them with a now well known absolute madman who tortures potential allies for fun? extremely retarded Gary Stu shit
then outside we see fat lass Walda, somehow already up and walking, and her newborn baby coming to see Ramsay in the court yard and she shows him his new half-brother and he asks "may I hold him" and she just a bit aprehensively hands him this baby and he coos "little brother" and she reaches for her baby back and asks "Lord Bolton asked for us, have you seen him?" and Ramsay snaps out of his evil thoughts and remembers to at least try to seem sane and says "of course, follow me mother" and leads her... TO THE DOG KENNELS and since Ramsay is a massive massive Gary Stu this dumb fat bitch actually follows her step-son who must be notorious by now for being a psychopath who likes to feed people to dogs for fun into the fucking dog kennels after she hasn't seen her husband for what must be hours and he obviously locks the door behind her and the dogs are going apeshit but Ramsay yells "DOWN!" and they shut up and the baby starts crying and Walda says "it's cold out here Ramsay, I need to feed him... Ramsay, where's your father? Ramsay?" as he gradually unlocks and opens all the doors and she just stands there asking "where is Lord bolton?" not realizing fucking obviously he's going to kill you and she should try to get the baby out through the gate or at least scream for help or something and the baby starts crying more as if he's already smarter than her and Ramsay just walks up to his fat step-mother and tells her "I AM LORD BOLTON" and she realizes whats going on finally and looks at her newborn son and begs "Ramsay please, I'll leave Winterfell, I'll go back to the Riverlands" and Ramsay just looks as if he's just making sure yyyyyup I'm a complete psycho and this is the plan and she pleads one more time "please... Ramsay... he's your brother" and Ramsay coldly tells her "I prefer being an only child" and RAMSAY WHISTLES FOR THE DOGS TO EAT HIS STEP-MOTHER AND NEWBORN BABY BROTHER ALIVEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 112another fucking retarded scene since this is by a courtyard that had hundreds of witnesses and they'll all know what happened in there and word will spread like wild fire what this absolute madlad did to his own baby brother and who the fuck would ever trust this completely dishonerable monster and especially Walder Frey who I know didn't seem to give a shit about his own family members but clearly is very very sensitive to disrespect and if turning down a daughter for marriage made him go full Red Wedding then obviously a step-son murdering a daughter he married off to strengthen an alliance would be a total chimpout for him and that's Ramsay lost a tactical chokepoint and probably fifth biggest army
then with Theon gathering some sticks to make a fire with Pod Brie is telling Sansa about Arya "I saw her with a man, I don't think he hurt her, she didn't want to leave him, he didn't want to leave her, I spent three days looking for her, she disappeared" and Sansa asks "how'd she looked" concerned for her well being and Brie says "she looked good... she wasn't exactly dressed like a lady" and Sansa smiles knowing that's definitely her sister and says "no, she wouldn't be" and Brie asks sensitively "what happened at Winterfell?" and after a long awkward stare Brie understands woman to woman and Sansa blames herself "I should have gone with you while I had the chance" and Brie assures her "it was a difficult choice m'lady" and she looks over at the barely recognizable Theon and notes "we've all had to make difficult choices" as if to hint at what she should do and she gets the hint and goes over to talk to Theon who says of Pod fiddling about still shit with bushcraft "we shouldn't be lighting fires, it's not safe, he won't stop hunting us" as he's still in survival mode and Sansa tries to reassure him they'll be safe with Jon but Theon thinks Jon'll merc him and Sansa says protectively "I won't let him" but Theon thinks he deserves it for killing those farmboys, Ser Rodrik and betraying Robb, and Sansa suggests taking the black (cock) to be forgiven but Theon doesn't want forgiveness and he looks her straight in the eyes and tells her he would have died to take her to The Wall but she's better with Brie and Pod and she gives him a tight hug and Theon starts crying and grunting as if affection is painful to him now like when you try to pet an abused animal and Brie watches like jesus christ and when she asks where he's going to go he struggles out "home"
and we cut to the absolutely torrential shitstorm that is the Iron Islands with their dumbass castle on a series of huge cliff pillars that's begging to rock slide and kill everyone inside and Yara is telling her father they've lost their final stronghold on the mainland and when he refuses to give up she tries to tell him they can take anyone at sea but not on land invasions and he gets uppity at her for defying orders and blames her for wasting resources trying to rescue Theon but she refuses to apologize and he snarls "and where is he?" yeah good question Yara it's almost as if you just ran away because some dogs barked at you as you were within Ramsay's Gary Stu field but she clapsback "where is your kingdom?" and points out they only took territory because Robb marched South to war but it's over now and last time they provoked the North she lost two brothers being sieged and her father snaps "and I lost three sons! The War of the Five Kings they call it, well the other four are dead! when you rule the Iron Islands you can wage all the peace you want but for now shut your mouth and obey! or I will make another heir who will" and storms off as the thunder clashes outside >implying it was ever really The War of the Five Kings as you never did jack shit anything lmao, but I guess at least he's going to let Yara take the throne from him and not some other male relative, then we see the quite old and frail Greyjoy struggling over the fucking adventure playground rope bridge that's the only thing connecting the different sections of his castle during a monsoon hmmm I wonder if this is safe
and on the other side he sees a hooded figure and orders "let me pass... you fool, move aside for your king!" but the man reveals himself saying "HAVEN'T I ALWAYS, BOTHER?" and the two immediately start arguing about him mocking their god but the brother claims "I AM THE DROWNED GOD, from Oldtown to Qarth, when men see my sails, they pray" and Greyjoy can tell his brother's gone off the deep end even for their family and struggles to keep on his feet as the rope bridge shakes in the wind and his brother asks for him to give up power to a younger man but Greyjoy says last he heard "your men had to tie you to the mast to keep you from jumping overboard and when the storm passed you cut out their tongues" and his brother explains "I needed silence" and his brother mocks him for losing his senses during a storm but he fires back "I AM THE STORM BROTHER, the first and the last, and you're in my way"
and as they meet on the bridge he can tell his brother is gonna try something so GREYJOY PULLS A DAGGER BUT HIS BROTHER SIMPLY THROWS HIM OVER THE BRIDGE SENDING HIM SCREAMING TO HIS DEATH and the new King Grejoy notices he managed to get a cut off on his face wow what a conveniently timed introduction of an new antagonist who's clearly just a madman with no depth for Theon to face when he returns home which I'm not happy about either since the Iron Islands storyline is so fucking boring as they are pathetic and Balon was never more than a less vile Walder Frey just a cranky old man who lives in a dank shithole and orders his kids around with a huge chip on his shoulder oh well rip that shit character
but then the next day his people are giving Balon a burial at sea as Yara looks on sadly and a preacher guy gives a big prayer to the Drowned God to take their child back to the sea and everyone does the "what is dead may never die" meme and Yara swears to the priest she'll find who's responsible, even though it could very easily be played off as an accident due to the ridiculous nature of his castles design lmao, but the priest says she's not in charge until the kingsmoot chooses you, wtf is that moot from 4chan makes you mod? and she insists her father wanted her to rule but he tells her that's not the law of their land but maybe she could be the first woman to lead, I'm guessing she has to do some trial by combat shit or something to lead
then with the Red Lady with her enchanted necklace on to make her look younger again which is fucking retarded and adds more problems like the Faceless men as to why doesn't everyone do this to disguise themselves but Davos enters to find her staring at the fireplace as usual and she sees super depressed and he asks "I assume you know why I'm here?" since she seems to know the future from looking in the fire but she just says "I will when you tell me" as if it's not working anymore or rarely actually does and she just cold reads through most of the shit and he floats the idea of... bringing Jon back to life, and the Red Lady warns "if you want to help him leave it be" and says she knows some can do it as if she knows the kind of shit Qyburn did to The Mountain that seemed like a fast track way to take someones individuality like what the leader of the Brotherhood was worrying about from all his resurrections but to the state that he can't even talk anymore and is just a robot for Cersei to order around but Davos knows Jon was the last good leader they had and keeps pushing and the Red Lady talks about the drunken priest with the Brotherhood but she doesn't understand how he did it and is sure she couldn't and he reminds her she can drink poison and birth demons but she confesses her visions didn't come true and that he was right all along and The Lord never spoke to her and Davos goes full euphoric atheist "FUCK HIM THEN! FUCK ALL OF THEM! I'm not a devout man, obviously, Seven Gods, Drowned Gods, Tree Gods, it's all the same, I'm not asking the Lord of Light for help, I'm asking the woman who showed me that miracles exist" and she turns to him almost in tears that even her biggest detractor believes in her now and she can't do anything and insists "I never had this gift" and Davos asks "have you ever tried?" so she figures fuck it dude and then we see her over Jon's body with a wet cloth thinking what the fuck am I even going to do with this dead dude but she at least starts with cleaning the blood off of his chest and Tormund and Edd stand around watching like they don't expect anything to happen but once his stab wounds are clear she starts speaking Valyrian and cuts a lock of his hair and throws it in the fire and I guess she figures might as well go whole hog and cuts off like 10 other locks of hair and throws them in too and she says some prayer in Valyrian, which I guess is this worlds version of Latin that's considered le old magic language that modern languages are derived from, and she washes his hair and she puts her hands on his stab wounds and starts saying a prayer and keeps looking around awkwardly and expectantly at Jon but nothing happens so she keeps praying and praying and the music builds up and up but nothing is happening as Davos and Tormund share a concerned look and she sighs and begs "please" to Allah but... nothing... and she looks sadly at Davos and Tormund scoffs and storms out and she and Edd leave too and Davos gives one last sad look at jon and leaves Ghost sleeping on the floor... but then he wakes up as if he sensed something the humans couldn't... and he looks up as
JON COMES BACK TO LIFE!!! alright this is retardeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed and completely annihilates any tension in the story because any character can be resurrected now if they just say the Red Lady can do it to anyone or it's whoever Allah or whatever God did this or if the Faceless Men have the right idea and it's Death that's the one true god wants that character back alive and since that has no rhyme or reason it can be literally any character, I mean The Mountain coming back as a zombie is a bit silly but at least it's some Frankenstein's monster shit where he might not have been fully dead and is now rendered a mindless drone and at least that one-eyed leader guy could have just been lying and his man could only heal him from near-fatal wounds or something but we're in full on Jesus Christ territory now with our main character coming back to life so fucking rip any stakes in this le grounded and gritty show about le real consequences, inb4 some cringy meme where he's now free from his Watchmen's Oath since it's until death it binds you... even though everyone else breaks it constantly already anyway lmao, also uhhhh if he like drinks water does it like pour out his stomach or.......
Game of Thrones 6x03: "Oathbreaker" duel wielding special edition
First aired: May 8, 2016
we open on a black screen with Jon breathing hard I assume and Davos staring at him like what le fug m888 as Jon sits up and looks terrified but with one leg carefully raised to hide the actors benis as he doesn't want to go full frontal and he looks down at the scars on his body and starts hyperventilating and Davos rushes to put a coat around him as he stumbles off of the table and the Red Lady returns looking like wtf m8 I did it, I remember seeing a leaked screencap of the Red Lady like kissing Jon and blowing his soul back into his body or some shit but I guess they went with a different more surprising version of the scene possibly because that visual effect ended up being leaked, and Davos asks Jon what he remembers and he just sits there breathing and the Red Lady looks scared that he's come back "wrong" but Jon remembers "they stabbed me... Olly... put a knife in my heart... I shouldn't be here" and Davos explains "the lady brought you back" and the Red Lady asks what he saw on the others ide and Jon says... "NOTHING, THERE WAS NOTHING AT ALL" and Davos looks like YES I KNEW IT ATHEISM WAS RIGHT but the Red Lady inists "the Lord let you come back for a reason, Stannis was not the prince that was promised but someone has to be" yeah the leader of the Brotherhood you dumb thot, and Davos does the "leave us" meme to the Red Lady and he sums up to Jon "you were dead, and now you're not, and that's completely fucking mad, seems to me, I can only imagine what it seems like to you" and Jon immediately starts whining "I did what I thought was right, and I got murdered for it, and now I'm black, why?" and Davos doesn't let him know it was his fault lmao but he implores him to not waste his second chance and "clean up as much of the shit" he can but Jon is demoralized and says "I don't know how, I failed" and Davos just says "good, now go fail again" as if even if he didn't do it perfect he still did the right thing and saved a bunch of Wildlings and their civvies, and he walks outside to see... the Wildlings staring up at him as if they's their Jesus now or something, and he walks through them looking confused and they look shocked at him but then Tormund comes up and lets him know "they think you're some kind of god, the man who returned from the dead" and Jon assures him "I'm not a god" and Tormund tells him "I know you're not, I SAW YOUR PECKER, WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD HAVE A PECKER THAT SMALL?" hey I'm sure it was cold and, you know, dead, and Jon gets a little smile and Tormund hugs him but he winces in pain from his stab wounds lmao and he walks up to Edd and hugs him too despite the the pain and Edd just notes "your eyes are still brown, that still you in there?" and Jon says "I think so, hold off on burning my body for now" and Edd jokes "that's funny, you sure that's still you in there?" lmao he called him unfunny
just want to point out that the objectifying fan comments from this nude scene made Jon's actor uncomfortable but he got PC policed into retracting his statements and saying men cant be victims of sexism which is ironically sexism lmao
then on a boat in the middle of a storm Gilly is looking out the window amazed to be at sea for the first time and Sam is suffering from sea sickness trying not to barf and Gilly regales him with "did I ever tell you I used to think the sea was called the see because it was nothing but water as far as the eye could see?" awww she's adorable but now she knows "they're spelled differently but they sound the same, it was before I learned how to read obviously" showing she's becoming a lot wiser and she asks "Sam are you going to be sick?" and he shakes his head but VOMITS IN A BUCKET anyway and she must really love him since she sits down beside him as he cleans out his mouth with water and starts talking about how Oldtown is the most beautiful city in Westeros and he has to break it to her that the Citadel doesn't allow women and she reminds him neither does Castle Black but he reveals he's taking her home to Horn Hill to live with his family and his dad might be a dick but his mother and sister are nice and Gilly quotes back "wherever you go I go too" and walks off sad and Sam forces himself to get to his feet and stumble all over the place to follow her and tells her he just wants them to be safe, and he only wants to be a Maester to win the war and keep them safe and saving the world is just a happy byproduct, and she tells him she appreciates him being the only one to ever actually love her... and tells him if he thinks it's for the best she trusts him and Sam, used to this happening in every TV show to force drama, says "I'd feel better i you threw something at me and stormed off" and Gilly assures him "I'd never do that to the father of my son" awwwwwwwwwwwww inb4 something horrible happens to her like his dad rapes her or some shit and Sam looks over smiling at lil Sam as he realizes he pretty much is all he's got but then vomits profusely again lmao
then we see some horses riding up to a castle to I think a new character in armor sharpening a sword outside and he hears the furious galloping so casually goes up to pick up his Kinsguard helmet and it turns out that this is a vision Bran and the old man are watching and he notices a young man get off his horse and he notes from his distinctive hairstyle "that's my father" and the old man points out "the man beside him is Howland Reed, Meera's father" hmmmmmm, maybe he sent her to help Bran, and they watch two men in armor that Bran clocks as "Ser Arthur Dayne" "The Sword of the Morning" the old man says who "father said he was the best swordsman he ever saw" and Arthur comes up to Ned and plants his sword in the ground I guess to show this is an official time-out and on his armor is the Targ sigil and Ned says "I looked for you at the Trident" and the other man brags "your friend the usurper would lie beneath the ground if we had been there" and Ned tells them "the Mad King is dead" and taunts them for not protecting the prince but Arthur says their orders are to be there and Ned growls "where's my sister?"
Arthur just says "I wish you good fortune in the wars to come", puts on his helmet and says "and now it begins" ARTHUR UNSHEATHES TWO SWORDS, WE DUEL WIELDAN NOW BOIS
and young Ned says in his thick brummy accent "noh... now eet ends" and NED, HOWLAND AND THEIR FOUR MEN DRAW THEIR SWORDS AND ARTHUR INSTANTLY CUTS DOWN ONE OF THEIR MEN
AND REALIZING HE'S ALONE ARTHUR TWIRLS BOTH HIS BLADES AROUND IN EACH HAND READY TO 1V4 THE MEN SURROUNDING HIM AND HE HOLDS OUT BOTH SWORDS TO KEEP THEM BACK
AND THEY ALL ATTACK AT ONCE BUT ARTHUR MANAGES TO FIGHT ALL FOUR SIMULTANEOUSLY HOLY SHIT AND HE GETS OUT FROM THEM SURROUNDING HIM AND ALL OF THEM RUSH AFTER HIM AT ONCE SO BE BLOCKS TWO ATTACKS AT THE SAME TIME WHILE KICKING ANOTHER AWAY AND WHIPS AROUND SLITTING THE FOURTH'S THROAT H-H-HE'S FAST!!!
AND HE FIGHTS NED AND HOWLAND AT THE SAME TIME AND WHEN THE THIRD WHEEL TRIES TO JOIN IN HE PINS HIS SWORD AGAINST HIS CHEST WITH BOTH HIS BLADES AND PULLS THEM AWAY SLITTING BOTH SIDES OF HIS THROAT
AND NED DUCKS BEHIND THE DYING MAN FOR COVER AS ARTHUR SLICES HIS BLADES AT HIM AND ARTHUR BLOCKS HOWLAND'S BLADE AND RUNS HIM THROUGH WITH HIS OTHER SWORD RAMMING IT FURTHER IN TO DROP HIM FASTER
LEAVING ONLY HIM AND NED WHO GRIMACES AT HIS DEAD FRIEND AND THEY BOTH READY THEIR BLADES WITH ARTHUR HOLDING ONE OF HIS BACKWARDS TO USE EVERY POSSIBLY STRIKING ANGLE AS NED RUSHES HIM BUT ARTHUR DEFLECTS ALL HIS BLOWS AND STARTS PUSHING HIM BACK BUT NED RETURNS THE FAVOR
and Bran notes "he's better than my father" and the old man agrees "far better" but never the less NED SWINGS HIS SWORD DOWN AT ARTHUR AS HARD AS HE CAN TRYING TO GET HIM OFF BALANCE BUT HE JUST KEEPS SWITCHING WHICH SWORD HE'S COMING AT HIM WITH and Bran cant understand "but father beat him?" and the man asks "did he?" and Bran looks worried as if he's not sure how any of this works yet "I know he did, heard the story a thousand times" AS ARTHUR TRIES TO PIN NEDS SWORD AGAINST HIS CHEST WITH HIS SCISSOR TECHNIQUE THAT KILLED THE LAST GUY BUT HE PUSHES BACK WITH HIS OTHER ARMORED FOREARM
and Bran points out the obvious "he stabbed him in the back" guess your daddy didn't tell you that brutal reality of his famous duel as Arthur falls to his knees and looks up as NED TAKES HIS SWORD AND KILLS HIM and Bran looks up as he hears a woman scream in the tower, maybe someone who cared about Arthur seeing what happened and Bran asks "what's in the tower?" and the old man says "that's enough for one day, we'll visit again another time" because this is the Bran storyline where they need to reveal the story aaaaaagoniziiiiiiingly slowly but Bran insists "I want to see where he's going" and runs off yelling "father!" and Ned stops... and looks behind... but he can't see anyone there... and runs up to the tower and when Bran tries to run after the old man appears in front of him and wakes him up, and IRL Bran insists to be taken back because he thinks his father heard him but the old man inists "the past is already written the ink is dry" WHAT IS THIS? FUCKING HIRO NAKAMURO ON HEROES? and Bran demands to know what's in the tower and the old man warns him of gaming addiction but Bran whines he doesn't want to come back to be a cripple and the man reminds him he's stuck in a fucking tree with roots growing through him and Bran demands to know why he'd do that to himself but the old man just says "I was waiting for you" and assures him he won't be stuck there forver like him but insists first he needs to learn "everything" uhhhhh so Bran is going to become God? ebin, amyway that was a really cool fight scene and I really like the way GRRM does the backstory world building where it doesn't feel like backstory at all and there are just as rich and varied characters all throughout Westeros history as there is in the present which is just like real life like there is not only great fighters in the current year where your story is taking place there were great fighters when your father was your age and when your great great great great grandfather was your age and they all had as unique and important to them seeming stories as anything going on in the present which a lot of stories lack and the backstory characters and events feel so obviously artificially constructed just to prop up present day events
then with the Dothraki hoard marching through the desert Dany looks up to see a huge statue of a stallion when a Dothraki shoves her saying "hey Great Khaleesi move your ass" lmao and we see they are I think back in the Dothraki capital and that's the same horse statue we saw in season 1 or maybe an even bigger one and they all stream into this huge city and Moro tells Dany "welcome home Khaleesi" as she sees this big hut that looks pretty easy to escape from and when she enters a middle aged woman lights some fires and does the "leave us" meme to the men and THE OTHER WOMEN THERE TEAR DANYS CLOTHES OFF and take her silver dragon necklace away and they give her a shitty leather jacket and she starts threatening them but the older woman says she remembers seeing her eating the horses heart and asks why she didn't come there and I guess Dany already learned about this place off-camera but she does her insane titledrop meme saying "my place is not with you" and the older woman says she's the widow of Khal Savo and tries to relate to her in wishing their husbands would conquer the world with them by their side and tells her "all the khalasars have returned for the Khalar Vezhven" whatever that is and will decide which cities to sack and enslave and what to do with her and she gets triggered at the mention of slavery (authors note: the following image is titled 1488.jpg which is fitting since all Dothrakis need to be gassed)
then back in Meereen Varys is fanning himself suffering from the heat and quips to a silent Unsullied "I don't know how you stand it in all that leather" when two more bring a woman in and he does the "leave us" meme to the guards and she immediately starts daring him to torture her but he insists "I am not a torturer... though it so often is what people deserve... and it does provide answers... but they're usually the wrong answers, my job is to find the right answers, do you know how I do that? I do it by making people happy" which is what I was saying about that Nazi interrogator who literally just had a nice chat with POWs and they'd accidentally tell him their life story and when she refuses to give her name he chuckles as he already knows who she is, she's the cag who was helping the SotH kill their dudes, and she points out they're foreign invaders destroying their history and Varys just says "I understand, that makes perfect sense from your perspective... I have a different perspective of course" and offers to see things from each others perspectives... and doxxes Dom... her son... and she calls him how "you're some liberator huh? you wont torture me you'll just threaten my son?" but Varys insists "children are blameless, I've never hurt them" so I guess CIA's pedo jokes are unfounded I hope but then he implies that she'll be executed and leave him alone with his breathing problems and she says "if I tell you anything they'll kill me" but he offers a third option to leave for Pentos on a boat he's booked for her and her son and offers a bribe of a bag of silver
and later with Tyrion, Missy and Grey Worm they're sitting at a table in awkward silence so Tyrion asks the taciturn Grey Worm what they should talk about and he just stares at him so he turns to Missy and prods her to use her 19 languages to talk about something already and asks what they talk about together and Grey Worm says "patrol... what we see on patrol... who we capture on patrol....." and Tyrion cringes and walks around with his wine trying to tease some conversation out of them but they just stare blankly at him trying to charm them so he offers a game but Grey Worm says "games are for children" and Missy says sometimes her master would make her play games... with girls and Tyrion awkwardly goes "no no no not that of course not that, innocent games, fun games, drinking games!" and Missy tells him "we do not drink" and just stare awkwardly at him as he tries to explain his "never have I ever" game but realizes you can't play without drinking lmao what is the point of this scene and then finally Varys turns up to tell them he's discovered the masters of Astapor (where the Unsullied are from), Yunkai (where she got the Second Sons) and Volantis (where Varys and Tyrion first arrived) are funding the SotH, I guess out of butthurt from Dany's visits but I guess she annihilated Qarth's entire leadership so no worries from them lmao, and Grey Worm says they already conquered those cities and can do it again, but Tyrion points out they need the Unsullied in Meereen, but Missy insists the masters only understand violence, and Tyrion tells Varys to send a message to the masters with his "little birds"
speaking of which we see Qyburn giving some street children a check-up who are playing with his sciency shit and there's a weird interaction with a boy whos black eye he's examining and he says his mother's jaw is healing too but mentions he hasn't seen his father and Qyburn says "that worked out rather nicely" as if his father was beating them and Qyburn just had him fucking killed lmao nice one tbh and a little girl asks if they'll ever see Varys and he says "I don't think so, you miss him?" and the children lament how he was nice and "he called us his little birds and gave his sweets" and Qyburn has realized Varys had the right idea of befriending street children and offers them some plums from Dorne and kindly tells them their friends can always come to him for help and all he asks in return are whispers, hopefully he's not a pedo or something, and then... The Mountain storms in... and all the kids tense up realizing there's something wrong with this guy, and Qyburn assures them "no need to be scared, this is Ser Gregor, he's friends with all my friends" and Gregor just stands there staring blankly at them so Qyburn says "run along now" and they scamper out like fuck and Cersei and Jaime were escorted in by Gregor and ask wtf he did to him and Qyburn says cryptically "oh a number of things..." and Jaime gets in Gregor's face to the extent that he can such a bigger man and asks "does he understand what we're saying? I mean to the extent that he ever understood complete sentences in the first place" and GREGOR SNAPS HIS HEAD DOWN TO LOOK AT JAIME WHO BACKS THE FUCK UP and Qyburn warns "he understands well enough" and Jaime demands "so tell him to march into the Sept and crush the High Sparrow's head like a melon" but Cersei reminds him of his hundreds of sparrows and reminds him that he'll only have to fight one when she chooses trial by combat which Jaime says he looks forward to watching and Cersei tells Qyburn she wants little birds in Dorne, Highgarden and the North to tell her if anyone so much as makes a joke about "the queen who walked through the streets naked with shit thrown at her" and Qyburn nods seeing how triggered she is
then we cut to Pycelle moaning about Qyburn to Mace, Lady Tyrell and Kevan and as he says "what he's done to Gregor Clegane is an abomination, I for one think it will be in our best interest to have the beast dest-" but then he notices everyone's frozen up as... Gregor and the twins have entered the room... awkwaaaaaard... and... PYCELLE GETS SO SCARED HE FARTSwhich I'd say was ridiculous but to be honest I saw a video once of this vlogger called iJustine who was so upset when Steve Jobs died that she sat in a public restaurant crying into her iphone about it and farting uncontrollably the entire time lmao so I guess people really do fart when under emotional distress and Cersei gets triggered at Lady Tyrell being there and when Mace tries to explain she cuts off her useless son and says she's here to help with such issues as the queen's imprisonment and Cersei pretends she means her but she reminds her "Margaery is the queen" and she looks at Jaime as she memes "you are not the queen because you are not married to the king, I do appreciate these things can get a bit confusing in your family!" and everyone tenses up as The Twins might go off the chain at any second, funny how this is the first scene in like the entire show where Jaime and Cersei are actually together around other people so we can see they're quite the power couple, and Kevan snaps at Jaime he has no position, but he corrects him that Lord Commander of the Kingsguard does, and Cersei asks Pycelle to confirm that and he flusters around trying to waive away the history but Jaime just slams down a chair and takes his seat, and Cersei demands Kevan do something about his uhhh... great niece being murdered and Jaime informs them of Elly's coup and Kevan, now the official King's Hand, admits that while they can't make them leave... "you cannot make us stay" and nods to Lady Tyrell to leave and dares "not unless you're gonna have that thing murder us all" and Gregor just stares blankly at them as they leave in a huff and Mace leaves too and Pycelle potters past Gregor looking up terrified at him leaving just The Twins sitting there alone with him
then we see Tommen finally has some balls and has taken some Kingsguard to see the High Sparrow demanding Cersei be able to see Myrcella's final resting place but he says only when she's stood trial and when Tommen steps forward to demand he comply both sides men step forward ready to pop off for their masters the High Sparrow assures him "The Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars of the world... do you know who told me that? your mother" smiling as he knows Cersei was talking shit to him but now gets to use it against her sinful ways and Tommen steps even closer with the men getting even closer and snaps "my mother who is unclean?!" and the High Sparrows sees this young man is very emotionally vulnerable so motions for his sparrows to back away and looks at Tommen who gets the picture and signals for his men to back off too and he asks him how he thinks "men and women first came to feel The Mother's presence? it was through their own mothers" and smiles as he tells him that even though she's such a liar The Mother's love shines through her and must be holy as if he really believes it and thinks Cersei could find redemption through that love and he starts getting in Tommen's head saying "you know that, you've seen it when she talks to you" and he admits "yes" and the High Sparrow admits "it's a great gift, one I never had... envy, one more thing for me to atone for" as he's always working on himself but then he does the Pycelle meme, maybe for real, asking to sit down because his knees hurt, and Tommen pauses as if he can't believe this powerful man is so physically frail and lets him sit down and then says in disbelief why he wants to make his mother suffer but he explains "it's not what I want, it's what the gods want, they make their will known to us and it's up to us to either accept it or reject it" and offers him to sit down beside him and starts weaselling into his mind saying even King's accept it if they're to be good and they need great counsel and the greatest counsel is the gods and Tommen remembers Tywin saying something similar (except the part of the gods) and the High Sparrow claims the gods worked through Tywin whether he knew it or not (yeah the Warrior maybe) and claims they even work through Cersei and tells him with a grandfatherly smile "there's so much good in all of us, the best we can do is try to bring it out" and dumbass moron Tommen falls for it and sits there accepting what he's saying despite the 7 gods being the only gods not implied to be real lmao
then with Arya she is in the house of the faceless men training aka being beaten by the cunty girl and she's having her tell her about who she was when she came there, Arya Stark, and her family, as she beats the shit out of her in staff training, and Arya has taken to talking about herself in the third person saying "they could all be dead for all a girl knows" and when the bitchy girl asks about The Hound Arya figures "also dead" and in her staff training Arya learns to notice her footing but the girl still beats the fuck out of her, and as they're talking she whacks her for not using the past tense when talking about her List as she mentions "a girl" took The Hound off her List, and we see Arya fiddling with some bottles of powder that I assume are poisons and the cunty girl asks her more about the List as we see her beating Arya up some more but she refuses to give up and always gets back to her feet as we hear Arya give her List and the cunty girl tries to wind her up asking if she's forgetting someone to see if she'd want to add her to the list but Arya just says "which name would you like the girl to speak?" as if she really is letting go of her old ways and when Jaqen sees Arya finally manage to block the bitchy girls attack she realizes she's passed the next stage of her training and walks off, then later Arya is seemingly looking at the statue of the Old God when Jaqen offers her again "if a girl tells me her name I will give her eyes back" which is clearly a trick since he's not saying "a man" he's saying "I" unless the writers fucked up again like when they called a quill a pen or forgot they talk about hell in plurals lol but Arya replies "a girl has no name" so Jaqen brings her over... to the poisoned well... and gives her a cup of it's water.... and she smells it... and he dares "if a girl is truly no one she has nothing to fear" maybe testing to see if the Many-Faced Gods will spare her or it's just a trick and the well isn't poisoned today but Arya... drinks the poison... and ARYA GETS HER SIGHT BACK... and Jaqen asks "who are you?" and Arya says robotically "no one" ok thank god that blindness storyline is over because that was fucking dull and dumb like this whole storyline
as Ramsay talks about how the Umbers were famously loyal to the Starks and some guy with a big beard and long hair chides the Karstark for sharing blood with the Stark but now being loyal to the Bolton's... or just Ramsay now, and Ramsay says this Umber guy refused to pledge to his father and he just explains "your father was a cunt" and Ramsay tries to control his anger and politely say "when my father was Warden-" but the Umber cuts him off saying "your father was a cunt and that's why you killed him" lmaoooo what did I tell ya m8y but he admits he might have done that to his own father and Ramsay insists "my father was poisoned by our enemies" but Lord Umber already knows the truth and says he's come to ask for help fighting the "goat fuckers" Jon Snow let through and the Karstark isn't worried but the Umber reminds them if Jon Snow leads them they could take Winterfell since he knows this place better than they ever will and Ramsay offers if he pledges his bannermen to him they can work together to "destroy the bastard and all his wildling friends" but he refuses "I'm not kissing your fucking hand" and Ramsay asks why he'd trust him and the Umber points out his father played nice with Robb right up until he betrayed him and Ramsay stares at him unblinkingly like he's just waiting for the moment when it's ok to kill him and quips "then it appears we're at a bit of an impasse" and the Umber tells him "fuck kneeling and fuck oaths... I've got a gift for you" and Ramsay jokes "a girl I hope... I prefer redheads" now with a hate-on for Sansa and the Umber chuckles "a girl aye heheheh" as two girls with bags over their heads are marched in to reveal OSHA and the Umber mocks "and a boy, nice and young, the way Karstark likes em!" who stands up angrily at the accusation but Ramsay just smiles at him and the Umber reveals RICKON STARK, WHO'S A TEENAGED BOY NOW and the Umber introduces him and Ramsay walks right up to his face, actually shorter than Rickon now, and asks how he knows it's the real deal, so the Umber goes and gets something else... and brings over RICKON'S DIREWOLF'S SEVERED HEAD nooooooooooooooooooooooo doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! so I think that's just Summer and Ghost left alive and I guess Arya's that she had to let back into the wild out of the 6 puppies they found in ep 1 and Rickon looks mad but Ramsay just gets a huge smile and says "welcome home... Lord Stark" as he can now just force this kid to agree with whatever he wants and get le legitimacy in le North, shame he killed his mother-in-law on a whim and can't marry him to her or something, alright YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF RAMSAY BEING A GAY STU, HE GETS THE MOST IMPORTANT HOSTAGE IN THE LAND AT LITERALLY NO COST OR EFFORT, EBIN
then with Jon taking up the hobby of staring at fire Edd comes in and says "it's time" so he grabs his sword and comes outside to all the Wildlings and his remaining loyal friends to find Alliser, the other two commanders who stabbed him and... Olly... with fucking nooses around their necks... and he asks them for their last words and the first of them gasps "you shouldn't be alive, it's not right!" and Jon just says "neither was killing me" and move on to the second man who says "my mother's still living at White Harbor, could you write her? tell her I died fighting the wildlings?" and Jon just ignores him and moves onto Alliser who defends his actions "I had a choice "Lord Commander": betray you or betray the Night's Watch, you brought an army of Wildlings into our lands, an army of murderers and raiders, if I had to do it all over again knowing where I'd end up I'd pray I'd make the right choice again... I fought, I lost, now I rest... but you... Lord Snow... you'll be fighting their battles forever" and just looks up at the horizon ready to go and then Jon moves onto... Olly...... who just glares down at him still angry he betrayed him by letting in Wildlings and they don't even need to say anything to each other as they know there's nothing to say and Jon takes out his sword and... the entire cast stare at Jon as he stands there like an autist but JON SLASHES THE ROPE... HOLDING UP A COUNTERWEIGHT THAT PULLS THE TABLE THEY'RE STANDING ON AWAY AND HANGING OLLY, ALLISER AND HIS TWO COMMANDERS BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO BREAK THEIR NECKS AND ALL FOUR OF THEM DANGLING AT THE END OF THEIR NOOSES BEING STRANGLED TO DEATH IN FRONT OF EVERYONE...
SO... LYNCHING A LIKE 13 YEAR OLD... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 114 and then Jon gives Edd his cloak and gies him command of Castle Black and marches off saying "my watch has ended" I guess there goes the not breaking his oath as he's already meme but I guess no one really gives a shit about it anymore so whatever, and I'd wonder if him fucking lynching a kid is to imply he's lost a bit of himself coming back to life but he beheaded the bald coward guy like it was nothing so maybe it's just part of his character arc, supernatural bullshit fucking up the story yet again
Game of Thrones 6x04: "Book of the Stranger" pocket sand special edition
First aired: May 15, 2016
we open on the ornate wolf handle of Jon's sword he left behind that Edd picks up looking curious at it and he asks Jon what he's going to do down South and he just jokes "get warm" but Edd gets triggered asks him how he can leave them with the White Walkers out there and Jon does the well teeeeeechnically I did carry out my vows I le died ebinnn loophole but Edd's not buying it and Jon insists he's not saying after his own brothers killed him but then the hear the horn... but thankfully only one, and they go outside as they open the gate as SANSA, BRIE AND PODRICK ARRIVE and Brie eyes Tomund instantly clocking him as the realest nigga there and everyone murmurs and stares at these odd new overly designed Main Characters turning up and Sansa looks up to see... her half-brother Jon who she hasn't seen in 6 fucking years, and he walks down and stares gormlessly at her and she rushes up and hugs him and he holds her tight awwww I guess this really is the first time any of the siblings have met back up, closest they got to meeting again was Bran crossing paths with Sam and Arya giving up going into her aunts castle where Sansa was, then inside Sansa is drinking some soup and reminiscing about Old Nan's soup they used to enjoy and they discuss how they wish they had never left Winterfell and Sansa says she wishes she was not such a cunt to him as children but Jon confesses to sulking in the corner all the time anyway and she jokingly demands he forgive her so he laughs and gives in awwww, guessing he's gonna be real mad at Ramsay when he finds out what he did to his sister, and he offers Sansa the disgusting ale they drink there that she coughs down but when she asks where he's going he says she's coming too "or fathers ghost will come back and haunt me" lmao but they also cant stay there in case he has more enemies and she immediately starts angling for revenge telling him "there's only one place we can go: home" and Jon jokes "should we just tell the Boltons to pack up and leave?" and Sansa having taken several lessons in real nigga shit tells him "we'll take it back from them" and he realizes how hard she's become and when he says "I don't have an army" she immediately asks "how many wildlings did you save?" insisting "they owe you their lives" pointing out they're not safe from the Bolton's either and Winterfell belongs to them and wherever Arya, Bran and Rickon them too but Jon snaps "I'm tired of fighting! it's all I've done since I've left home! I've killed brothers of the Night's watch, I've killed Wildlings, I've killed men I've admired, I hanged a boy younger than Bran! I've fought... and I lost" and Sansa just stares at him and tells him "if we don't bring back the North we'll never be safe, I want you to help me but I'll do it myself if I have to" it really is real nigga hours
then outside Davos and the Red Lady have an awkward conversation about her claiming to serve Jon Snow, sighing that he's the prince who was promised now as if she doesn't like that this Lord of Light's King shit is all actually real and was happier with Stannis who probably wasn't the chosen one and she could just fuck about indefinitely, and when he asks about Stannis she just walks off and he follows her demanding to know what happened and she just mutters "there was a battle, Stannis was defeated" and when he asks about Shireen she clams up but Brie turns up and says "I saw what happened, I saw Stannis' forces defeated in the field" yeah we know you did hen, will she admit what she did? and Davos introduces himself but she says "we met before, when I was Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, Before Renly was assassinated with bloodmagic" and the Red Lady looks super awkward hoping she doesn't realize that was her but Brie looks right at her, wait, they they meet before? I forget if Davos ever tried to talk to Renly and Davos notes the tension and tries to tell her "that's in the past now" and Brie steps forward glaring down at the Red Lady and says "that doesn't mean I forget... or forgive" alright calm down anonymous is legun but the Red Lady just looks up sad at her like she doesn't care if she kills her or not as her life just got extremely worse probably figuring if word gets out she can resurrect the dead all the most powerful people will be hunting for her and Brie tells them "he admitted it you know, Stannis, just before I executed him" and stares Davos and the Red Lady right in the eyes like do something bitch but neither of them are up to it so she just marches off
then with the zoomer King he is trying and failing to learn archery and the man looking after him sighs as he misses a target and has to force a smile for the young boy to keep him going and then CIA's carriage rides up and he calls "The Defender of the Vale!" and the zoomer prince who's voice has gotten a lot deeper drops his bow and arrow not caring about it at all and rushes up yelling "Uncle Petyr!" even though really he's his step-father now and he jumps into his arms to hug the man that he is now taller than and CIA gives him a falcon for his nameday and the Lord he put in charge starts grilling CIA about fucking marrying Sansa to Ramsay and CIA immediately starts bullshitting that the Bolton's captured them but the Lord aint buying it and snaps "you take me for a fool?" so CIA turns up the manipulation and starts implying in front of all his men that he shared his travel plans with them and even the zoomer King picks up what he's saying and the Lord warns him not to cross swards with him but CIA says it's up to the zoomer King and the Lord looks at Robin knowing they've never gotten along as the King suggests in his deep post-puberty voice "shall we throw him through the Moon Door?" and CIA just smirks at him like punking some fat idiot like him is child's play and all the guards put their hands on their swords ready to arrest the Lord as they're loyal to their King and the Lord realizes he's fucked and starts pleading with the zoomer that "I have always been faithful to House Arryn, to your father, to your mother and now you" and Robin doesn't have a head for politics at all and is more interested in his new pet so just asks "do you believe him Uncle Petyr?" and CIA gives the Lord a shiteating smirk as he's already at his mercy and CIA says "Lord Royce has served the Vale well... he's enjoyed a distinguished military career, if we could trust his absolute loyalty he would make a capable commander in the wars to come" and smiles at Royce as he has to play his part and he turns to Robin who's barely listening and says "you can trust my absolute loyalty my Lord" and CIA teases "I think he deserves one more chance what do you say" and Robin just says "ugh fine" to get them to shut up, clearly not understanding what a serious accusation CIA is making, and Royce bows and runs off completely shook at how instantly CIA punked him and CIA updates Robin on Sansa escaping Winterfell but warns she won't be safe with the Bolton's after her and he sighs "she's my cousin" and thinks hard, remembering that he was meant to marry her lmao, and CIA looks on hoping he makes the right call, but Robin takes that as a good thing and decides "we should help her" and CIA smiles "that was my instinct as well" and Robin laughs as it's his first time to go to war and CIA orders Royce "your Lord has spoken, gather the Knights of the Vale, the time has come to join the fray" hmmmmm I guess CIA was hoping to bait the Bolton's into attracting the ire of the Lannisters so they'd destroy them and he could take whats left of the North but now that the Lannisters are losing power in King's Landing he'll have to do it more directly
then we cut to a boat that has a sigil of a mermaid in chains on it's sails, I guess coming in from one of the three cities plotting against theirs, and Grey Worm can't understand "you invited the enemy into our city" and Tyrion sighs "I did, as a wise man once told me "we make peace with our enemies, not our friends"" but Grey Worm insists "I don't make peace with the Queen's enemies, I kill the queens enemies" but Tyrion points out the military option isn't working so it's time for the diplomatic approach but reminds them his own experiences in slavery taught him how wrong it is and Missy just asks "how many days were you a slave?" and Tyrion stammers "l-long enough to know" but they don't buy it, and then the Master who bought Tyrion and Jorah is actually the envoy Astapor sent and he can't believe the dwarf he bought only a few months ago is now the ruler of Meereen and one of the other masters says "we came here to see the Queen, instead we are greeted by a dwarf and a eunuch" glaring at Varys who looks away in a huff, wonder how everyone knows of his genital status, I guess word has always travelled fast, and Tyrion simply asks what they want and they say just to leave Slaver's Bay and aaaah yes it's the King of Yunkai we saw in season 3 who's back and he reminds them he offered her ships to leave but Missy snaps "because hundreds of thousands of men women and children still lived in chains" and the King handwaves it "as they have from the dawn of time" and Grey Worm says "not anymore" and another master snaps "you think you're a free man now? you still follow orders! just because your master has silver hair and tits does not mean she's not a master" and Grey Worm just mad dogs him but Tyrion tries to calm them down saying there's always been the rich and the poor and he's not there to change that and the King snaps "slavery is the way of the world" and Tyrion tries to tell him "you don't need slaves to make money, there haven't been slaves in Westeros for hundreds of years and I grew up richer than any of you" yeah on loans lmao and the masters all get shook that he's richer than them and Tyrion give them Dany's proposal that slavery is over but... they will give them seven years to end the practice, and Missy and Grey Worm look rustled at this compromise but the masters are listening as he offers to pay slavemasters compensation for their losses if they just cut off support for the SotH but they deny any connection (a realistic touch, like Saudi Arabia basically funds all islamic terror but everyone has to pretend they don't because they're rich lmao) and Tyrion scoffs "fine fine, but you'll cut it off all the same" and assures them "you will not recieve a better offer" and rings a bell saying "let us sail on the tide of freedom, not drown in it" and brings him... three cags as "a parting gift for our honored guests" much to Missy's disappointment and Tyrion tells the men as the women fawn over them "give freedom a chance, see if it doesn't taste as good as what came before" and leaves with his party, very dumb and retarded since I'm sure these men are tired of cags from owning as many sex slaves as they want, and then later some men are arguing in the throne room when Tyrion turns up and says in Valyrian "large story... you wait so fat time" but thankfully they speak Not!English and the men are angry he's drinking wine with the men their people died fighting and Tyrion points out that he's not Dany's insane titledrops and it's up to him but the men demand to know where Dany is saying they don't trust him and only Grey Worm as he fought for them and Tyrion says he supports them but the men Grey Worm directly if he's ok with drinking wine with slavers and Grey Worm glares at Tyrion but says "I'm a warrior, not a politician, but if there is a chance or peace, just peace, we should take it" so they turn to Missy asking how she can trust them but she looks at Tyrion too and gets guilted into repeating his meme "we make peace with our enemies, not our friends" and he smiles having won over the citizen, then later outside Grey Worm is telling him "do not use me for your lies, if you betray her work, you are my enemy" and Missy tells him "seven years is not a short time for a slave" and Tyrion sighs "you're right, slavery is a horror that should be ended at once, war is a horror that should be ended at once, I can't do both today" and Grey Worm insists they cant be trusted but Tyrion tries to explain they'll play ball if it's in their self-interest but Grey Worm tries to explain to him that masters don't consider them human "they look at me and they see a weapon, they look at her and see a whore" and Tyrion reminds them "they look at me and they see a misshapen little beast" lmao wonder if it's ever awkward for Peter Dinklage to say lines like that and tells them being underestimated is good but Grey Worm snaps "you will not use them, they will use you, that is what they do"
then with Jorah and Daario they are hiking up a huge desert mountain getting exhausted and Daario starts talking shit about how Jorah is too old and out of shape to "ride the dragon" and Jorah asks "what?" and he explains "our queen, she's wild you know, don't let her size fool you, it's hard enough for me and I'm a young man, you, I don't think your heart could take it!" and Jorah stares at him like he's restraining himself from punching him and keeps walking as Daario starts up again "must make you angry that our queen chose me" lmao LITERALLY THE CHAD DAARIO VS. THE VIRGIN JORAH but Jorah fires back "makes me sad, you'll disappoint her before long" and they start argying about how they need to work together as if they'll even fight over co-operation and Daario says "I have nothing to gain from fighting you, if I win I'm the shit who killed an old man, if I lose, I'm the shit who was killed by an old man" and Jorah just glares at him and says "you didn't get much dicipline as a child did you?" and Daario claims "none!" despite literally being a slave as a child lul, and then they finally get to the Dothraki city and Jorah points out "Eastern Market, Western Market" wow very inventive names that he learned when he was last there and explains that Dany is probably with the other widows in the temple and goes to take his belt off but he's not taking a piss he's leaving his sword behind as they have strict sword control down there and Daario points out to this gungrabbing libtard cuck "isn't it forbidden to sneak into their city and steal their khaleesi?" and he explains they can just pose as traders as there's no way to fight them all and Daario does the meme where he hands over his weapons but Jorah insists he hand over his one last knife but as he reaches for it... Daario sees Jorah's greyscale, and he just says "don't worry, it didn't touch you" and Daario asks "you know what happens?" and Jorah grumbles "I know what happens" then that night THE DOTHRAKI ARE HAVING PUBLIC SEX as the two men sneak in and spy on them and Daario oggles them saying "I should have been born a Dothraki" and Jorah raises an eyebrow like he agrees he is a barbarian at heart
and then they leapfrog sneak as fast as they can behind the buildings but bump into two Dothraki and start pretending they're lost on their way to the market and Jorah claims in Dothraki he's there to sell wine but they walk up to him and stare at him and then decide "they're not merchants, go get the others" and THE OTHER DOTHRAKI LEGS IT AND DAARIO GIVES CHAISE AND JORAH TRIES TO FIGHT HIS GUY BUT HE BLOCKS ALL HIS PUNCHES EASILY AND BEATS HIM DOWN AND JUST AS THE OTHER DOTHRAKI IS ABOUT TO SCREAM FOR HELP DAARIO GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND AND SNAPS HIS NECK
AND JORAH IS GETTING HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM SO HE THROWS SAND AT THE GUARDS FACE... who simply dodges it and looks at him like really bro? lmao and Jorah sits there super awkward like well I had to try
JORAH FUMBLES AT THE GUARD WHO SIMPLY GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND STARTS CHOKING HIM BUT... A KNIFE BURSTS THROUGH THE GUARDS CHEST and he looks down like b-but muh knife control laws thats illegal and he slumps down to reveal DAARIO BROUGHT HIS DAGGER ANYWAY LMAO
and he cleans it off and hides it again and Jorah tries to compose himself from almost getting killed as he's too old for unarmed combat and warns "if they find a body with a stab wound the whole city will be after us" so DAARIO STARTS CAVING THE DEAD BODY'S SKULL IN WITH A ROCK to obscure the cause of death, smart thinking
then in the widow's temple the women are gossiping about Aquaman breeding with a foreigner and the and the leader woman explains to Dany that they've always diluted their blood and points out there are other foreign women there too and asks a girl how old she was when she was married and she says TWELVE and talks about how her husband broke her ribs for giving birth to a girl and Dany looks at her compassionately realizing these women suffer like she did and they warn her of the other possibilities if the leaders don't let her leave being le ambiguous about it and Dany insists on going to get water and the abused wife goes with her and she asks how old she was when her husband died and she says "sixteen" and Dany instantly says "shame he didn't die sooner" and the beaten wife comes out her shell for the first time allowing herself to agree and then asks Dany "is it true you have three dragons?" with Dany confirms much to her amazement and she asks "do they breath fire?" and Dany offers to let her see but she's convinced she'll die there and as if to prove her right DAARIO GRABS HER AND PUTS A KNIFE TO HER THROAT and Dany gasps "dont hurt her!" and Daario whispers "she'll give us away" and Jorah growls through his still hoarse throat "we have to go now" but she tells them they'll never get out alive (fucking dumb since they clearly just snuck in but ok) and Dany gets that crazy look in her eyes and says "we can do more than that... and you're going to help me" and Daario and Jorah look at each other like here we go again as Dany asks the girl not to betray her and even though Daario has a knife to her throat Dany believes her and nods for him to let her go, ok this is gonna be a long and boring storyline I'm sure but at least they didn't have the whole story being Jorah and Daario trying to rescue her and is now Dany trying to take over her *checks notes* sixth group
then in Margaery's dungeon that she's been in for for like a year that cunty Nun comes in without saying a word and takes her out down a dark hallway and shoves her into... the High Sparrow's room, which actually has daylight coming in, the dungeon is just entirely walled off, and he asks "if I were to let you go right now where would you go? what would you seek out?" and Marg's eyes struggle to adjust to the light as she says "I'd go to my brother, my husband, my family" and the High Sparrow reminds her that means seeking out money, refinery, power, as her family have sin, and he admits he used to seek those things too and she just sits there sad as he tells her his life story that he grew up with his father being a cobbler and when he died he invested all his time into making the best shoes to make more money and when he got a taste of a rich life he felt he was ascending and Marg mocks where his probably made up story is going "and then you walked through a graveyard and realized it was all for nothing and set out on a path to righteousness? Book of the Stranger verse 25" as Septa Unella has been reading the entire book AT her, and he admits "you're close, but it wasn't a graveyard, it was a feast" and describes a party with wine and cags he threw to show off to his friends but when he awoke the next day all his rich friends were laying around naked, baring themselves to the world which I guess is where he got the idea of public nudity from, and describes with disgust how they stunk and all the fine food was already rotting away, and it made him realize how it was all bullshit and just a lie he was telling himself about being an important rich man and the poor on the street were closer to the truth than he ever was and Marg asks pretending to care "so what did you do?" and he says he went to find the poor "I didn't even put on my shoes, I walked out the door and never went back" and Marg looks down confused like she can't even contemplate doing that but he sees her weakness and stands up offering to take her to see her brother and then a sparrow puts Marg into Loras cell and locks her in and she sees he's slumped limp in the corner and doesn't even respond as she calls his name as if he thinks it's just his imagination but then he suddenly sits up with a start and she hugs him and he breaks down crying having been kept in there for a year and she tells him "listen to me, you need to stay strong" but he admits "I can't stay strong, I was never strong" and she starts ranting "you are the future of our house, our family" and he cries "I dont care!" and Marg wants to know if he told them that and he sniffles "I just want it to stop... help me" and breaks down sobbing in her arms and Marg explains "they want me to help tear you down, it's why he's letting me see you, and if either of us give in to what they want, then they win!" but Loras is not as strong willed as his sister and insists "then let them win! just make it stop, please!" and keeps crying as Marg holds him and realizes maybe it was her they're trying to tear down by showing the state of her brother
then with Cersei she's eavesdropping on Pycelle telling Tommen that in his experience not setting off fanatics is the most important thing but she barges in before he influence her son with anymore cuck shit and does the "leave us" meme but he refuses for once and insists he's there to counsel his King but Tommen dismisses him and he gives Cersei a catty look and leaves as agonizingly slowly as he can just to really fucking wind her up and she gives him a tired look like she can tell it's an act and then she talks to her son about the High Sparrow with Tommen repeating Pycelle's pussy shit that they shouldn't antagonize him in case he hurts Marg but she takes his hand and reminds him what he already did to her but placates him by saying Marg's safety is paramount but Tommen knows "you don't like Margaery do you?" and Cersei sighs and says it doesn't matter because respecting Queens is even more important than Kings which is an interesting thought since people can fear Kings even if they don't respect them but if society doesn't respect a woman then she's not got much left to rule with and she points out the High Sparrow doesn't have any respect for anything in this world and wants to knock it all down for his fantasies *tips fedora* but Tommen reveals he spoke to the High Sparrow much to Cersei's alarm and he stresses over breaching his confidence but Cersei says she knows that hypocrite would hate it despite his constant prattling on about the truth and assures him "I am your mother, you can always trust me" and Tommen goes to spill the tea sissssss
but then we see Cersei and Jaime marching into the Small Council meeting that only has Kevan and Lady Tyrell in attendance to adjourn it and she reminds them they're not welcome but Cersei reminds her Tywin understood working with your rivals and Lady Tyrell just chuckles "my dear, you have been stripped of your dignity and authority, publicly shamed and confined to the Red Keep, heh, what is left to work with?" and Jaime reminds her "Cersei is the mother of the King, she has the King's ear and his trust" and manipulates her by saying "and he's been speaking with the High Sparrow regularly of Lady Maergary and Ser Loras" which gets under her skin and Cersei points out the High Sparrow is counting on them in-fighting as he seizes the Kingdoms and tells her that Margaery will soon do her walk of atonement, oh I wanna see that! and Lady Tyrell just smiles and says "oh no, that cannot happen, that will not happen" having been won over by Cersei as she'll do anything for her grandchildren and Jaime sits down confidently saying "you have the second largest army in Westeros, you'll bring them into the city, stop Queen Margaery's humiliation before it starts and take her back into Crown custody" and Kevan whines that Tommen ordered him not to do anything to the High Sparrow out of fear for the queen's saftey (how fucking hard is it to save one woman from some nuns in a prison in a city you own? it seems the writers forgot all this palice intrigue shit only makes sense because it's always simmering below the line of violence, when it's clearly time for war and it doesn't happen it becomes fucking retarded, JUST FUCKING KILL THEM, THEY'RE HOLDING THE QUEEN CAPTIVE IN YOUR OWN FUCKING CITY) and Jaime explains he wont be doing anything, it's the Tyrells that will, and as Kevan is about to say Tommen might order him to do something Jaime rolls his head not believing his uncle is such a bitch not doing anything for his uhhhh g-... great-niece-in-law? and tells him it'll be over before he knows it and won't be angry at the outcome and when he sits there in silence like a cuck Cersei calls him out "do you want your son back or do you want him gone for good?" in my mind I just got Lancel confused with Loras again lmao thinking wait he's married to a Tyrell but then I remembered Lancel is a brainwashed sparrow cuck now and that wins Kevan over and Cersei tells him "so stand aside and let the people who took him be destroyed" and Kevan warns there might be a civil war if they fail but Lady Tyrell is a real nigga and says "many will die no matter what we do, better than than us"
then with Theon we see him on a ship sailing into the absolute rainy shithole that is the Iron Islands and he looks on the castle he last saw 5 years ago and takes a deep breath and we see him entering the extremely fucking dark throne room to find Yara who says she couldn't believe it when they said he was back and assumes "he let you go?" and turns around when Theon mutters "I escaped" but she's not sure it's really her brother and not Reek and barks "I cant hear you?" and Theon says louder "I escaped" still not able to raise his voice and Yara demands "look at me" but Theon's too ashamed truamatized and fucked in the head and stares at the ground and Yara marches up and demands "look at me!" so he forces himself to as she bitches about the men who died trying to rescue him in that extremely retarded contrived scene and she says "you were a spoiled little cunt but you were my brother and I risked everything for you and I betrayed you" and Theon starts sniffling and saying "I know I'm sorry" but she doesn't want to hear any more what she thinks of as weakness out of him and tells him to stop say sorry but he goes on "he broke me... he broke me into 1000 pieces" and Yara says "he sent us one of those pieces, that's why I came for you" and Theon breaks down sobbing learning that his penis got mailed to his father and sister lmao and she asks "why did you come here? you heard father died and thought you'd claim the crown?" but Theon insists "no no I only heard he died after we docked" but she doesn't buy it and looks him up and down in disgust and tells him he'll never be accepted as king and he starts whimpering that he doesn't want to be king and tries to suck up to her but she insists "stop crying!" and grabs him and yells "look at me! tell me what you want?" and he struggles to look her in the eyes as he cries but he tells her "you should rule the Iron Islands, let me help you" and she lets go amazed at how different he is
then in Winterfell Ramsay is edgily peeling an apple, real subtle imagery there bravo, when his men drag in a cleaned up Osha and he asks "you seen my banners? does that worry you at all?" and Osha just asks "you eat them after?" and he chuckles and says "no" like that's ridiculous and Osha looks out the window unimpressed and says "then I've seen worse" and Ramsay looks over with a huge grin as if he loves it when a woman is as fucked up as him but when Osha just glares at him like do something nigga he scoffs to himself for thinking they'd get along and he'd ever find a girl like Myranda again so he sits up seriously, puts his apple and knife down and waves her over to talk about her serving the Starks, and she plays it off as she was forced to and only kept Rickon safe to sell him off claiming she considers the Stark family to owe her compensation for her services, and Ramsay seems to buy it but points out he already has him so what use does she have and Osha smiles naughtily and says "I could give you want you want" and Ramsay warns "and you're sure you know what that is?" and Osha sits on his lap and says "same thing all men want" and Ramsay smiles at how she's not exactly got the full picture and she points out "and when they really want it they give it a bath first!" and starts making out with him and rubbing up on her... but the camera refocuses on his pearing knife... and Ramsay pulls her back by her hair and says "you're a good talker, I like that" and starts kissing her again but then gets an evil grin and says "you're a much better talker than Theon Greyjoy" knowing she knew him, maybe even that he was one of the ones that spared her, and she asks "that so?" and Ramsay gets all hot and bothered as if remembering what he did to Theon is more of a turn on as he tells her "I had to work hard to get him talking, but he talked, they all do" well not really he was singing like a canary from the get go and as they make out... Osha reaches over for his knife while he keeps saying "he told me everything, all about the Stark boysssss, who helped them escape... and how she did it" except fucking Theon added nothing to the boys escaping but ok and Osha realizes oh fuck he's onto my just fuck em lmao tactic and
AS RAMSAY JUST SITS THERE CASUALLY WATCHING AND CLEANING HIS KNIFE OFF AS SHE COLLAPSES AND BLEEDS OUT ON THE FLOOR and he just goes back to cutting a chunk off his apple and eats it perfectly happy with himself wow thanks for bringing back that character after 2 and half seasons for that good stuff
then at Castle Black a rider from the Bolton's rides in with a white flag to talk peace and at dinner Sansa eyes a very disgusting looking rabbit stomach or whatever the fuck as Jon is alerted of the visitor and Brie sits there awkwardly as the men all eat like dogs, especially Tormund who just stuffs a lamb leg into his mouth while eyeing her as if he likes em tall, and Edd just sits there awkwardly saying "sorry about the food, it's not what we're known for" to Sansa and Podrick and a man comes in with a message for Jon despite him insisting he's not Lord Commander and when he notices the edgy seal he opens it up expecting a severed penis or something in it and reads "to the traitor and bastard Jon Snow, you allowed thousands of Wildlings past The Wall, you have betrayed your own kind, you have betrayed the North, Winterfell is mine bastard, come and see, your brother Rickon is in my dungeon" and Jon looks up terrified at Sansa who knows better than him how bad that is and Jon goes on "his direwolf's skin is on my floor, come and see, I want my bride back, send her to me bastard and I will not trouble you or your Wildling lovers, keep her from me and I will ride North and slaughter every Wildling man woman and babe living under your protection" and Tormund clenches up as he hears the threats to his people as Jon finishes "you will watch as I skin them living you..." and Sansa insists "go on" but Jon drops it saying "it's just more of the same" so she picks it up determined not to be scared by Ramsay and keeps reading "you will watch as my soldiers take turns raping your sister, you will watch as my dogs devour your wild little brother... then I will spoon your eyes from their sockets and let my dogs do the rest, come and see, Ramsay Bolton, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL YE OLDE SHITPOSTING!EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 115 maybe this is a stretch but maybe the repeated use of "come and see" is an illusion to the notoriously grim 1985 soviet movie of the same name about Nazi war crimes in Russia, either way I love Ramsay's extremely edgy troll posts he sends people, if only he was born in the modern day then he could have just lived a and Jon asks "Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North?" and Sansa updates him, somehow, "his father is dead, Ramsay killed him, and now he has Rickon" and thankfully he didn't send any evidence so Jon can hope "we don't know that" but Sansa snaps "yes we do" and Tormund just wants to know "how many men does he have in his army" and Sansa says 5K and Jon asks how many he has and Tormund says 2K as the rest are children and old people, implying the women will fight too, and he looks helplessly at Sansa who insists "you're the son of the last true Warden of the North" which I just realized is a sort of like devolution that England gave Scotland where we have a First Minister and Parliament but it's still legally more a caretaker role as we're not independent yet and still have our taxes controlled by London (since fucking brainlets voted No) and she insists "Northern families are loyal, they'll fight for you if you ask... a monster has taken our home and our brother!" taking his hand and staring him in the eyes telling him "we have to go back to Winterfell and save them both" and Jon looks off sad as if he came so close to just having a peaceful life but the gangsta life drags him back in as he nods to her
then in the Dothraki city the leaders are arguing about the dead body and lawyering the rules of if it counts as carrying a weapon or spilling blood and they decide fuck em lmao he died like a bitch so whatever, then they order Dany brought in and one says "who cares about her? she's a midget" but the other eyes her up and down saying "I like her" and another derides "she's paler than milk" but another sneers "I'd like to know what a khaleesi tastes like" I guess that's just the term for actual female ruler not queen since surely this guy has his own wives and another one jokes "good, you can suck my dick" and everyone laughs, wonder what they think of actual gays in their culture, and one brings up how the Yunkai masters want her for ten thousand horses but the main guy who's name I forgot says fuck em too he'll just steal them all and Dany says in Dothraki "don't you want to know what I think?" and they all recoil at a woman speaking back and the leader guy asks "you'd rather be sold into slavery?" and offers letting his friend fuck her but she turns down both and he reminds her "we don't care what you want, you have no voice here" unless they decide she's an official widow and Dany looks around saying "I know where I am, I have been here before" and talks about her pregnancy being announced there, leaving out the episode with her brother, and the leader taunts her "and what happened? you trusted a sorceress like a fool, your baby is dead because of you and so is Khal Drogo" and she starts walking around ranting about all the war Aquaman promised to wage for her in Westeros and he mocks her for believing him so she mocks their tiny ambitions of raiding loval villages calling them "small men, none of you are fit to lead the Dothraki, but I am, so I will" and they all perk up knowing they're gonna have to beat her ass but they just burst out laughing as she just stands there and the head guy turns down her widowship and decides "instead we'll take turns fucking you and then we'll let our bloodriders fuck you and if there's anything left of you... we'll give our horses a turn" and Dany just gets a big smile remembering what she did to the last man in that exact spot she's standing who said that exact edgy shit to her and the leader guy stands up and yells "you crazy cunt, did you really think we would serve you?"
and the crazy barbarian music from when she got the Unsullied kicks off as DANY SHOVES OVER THE FIRE STAND SETTING THE HORSE RUGS ON THE FLOOR ALIGHT AND TIPS ANOTHER OVER BLOCKING THE DOTHRAKI LEADERS TRYING TO FLEE AND THEY ALL COWER AS THE FLAMES START CREEPING UP THE FLAMMABLE THATCHED BUILDINGS ROOF
AND THEY START RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING CATCHING FIRE THEMSELVES BUT DANY JUST STANDS THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS INFERNO AS THE DOTHRAKI WARLORDS ARE HIT WITH FLAMING CEILING AND TWO MANAGE TO GET TO THE DOOR BUT IT'S BEEN LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE BY JORAH AND DAARIO WHO KILLED THE GUARDS AND THEY SEE A CROWD OF PEOPLE RUNNING OVER TO WATCH THE GRAND HALL GO UP IN FLAMES AND MORO TURNS TO SEE...
and the crowd stare in horror as the front door of all their warlords collapses as the entire building is one big fireball but OUT FROM THE HELLFIRE WALKS... DANY, HAVING HAD HER DRESS BURNED OFF, COMPLETELY UNHARMED
including the old widow lady and Jorah and Daario walk through the crowd and look up at their love as she stands before the blazing inferno and Jorah kneels down too and Daario, having never seen Dany's fire resistance powers before, gawps at her in amazement, but joins everyone else down on their knees, well I'm really glad this dumb storyline was over literally the next scene was not looking forward to Dany le reintegrating into boring as fuck Dothraki culture and using her x-men powers to get kills was cool and I kind of like how Dany is shown being naked because of her fire abilities that empower her just as much as being shown naked because men are degrading her by now so a woman can look badass topless just like men often are in genre material rather than to objectify them but this theme of "you can become the leader if you just murder the current leader lmao" is quite fucking retarded, why would anyone follow Elly when she's so clearly emotionally compromised wanting revenge to the extent she'll kill her brother in law, their King they're sworn to protect who did nothing but keep the peace for them? why would anyone follow Ramsay when he killed his own father and is a psychopathic madman who looks about 23? why the fuck would any of these people follow Dany who just murdered all their leaders? literally just because her X-Men superpower is to be fireproof? and they're superstitious brainlets? she's lucky this proud warrior culture that respects their leaders as their most powerful fighters didn't take badly to this outsider killing them in an unfair cowardly manner and, you know, kill her, but that's Dany for you
Game of Thrones 6x05: "The Door" we Hiro Nakamura now special edition
First aired: May 22, 2016
we open on Sansa doing what women should be doing and sewing her jacket when she receives a message from CIA and asks the deliverer "how far is Molestown?" and we cut to CIA standing in some trashed bar that looks like it's been raided, I guess this is the hooters style establishment that got Wildling'd while Gilly was there, and Sansa walks in to meet with him but is followed by the imposing Brie who makes CIA brick it as he wanted her alone to weasle his words into her or worse, so he starts bullshitting about how "how happy I am to see you unharmed" but Sansa is down one virginity and snaps "unharmed?" and cuts to the chase and CIA explains he rode North to save her with the Knights of the Vale but Sansa doesn't believe it asking "did you know about Ramsay? if you didn't know, you're an idiot, if you did know, you're my enemy" woah now Sansa stop pointing out plot holes in your own show also not to defend Ramsay and obviously getting raped by a complete madlad who tortures people for fun is worse but uhhhh she'd pretty obviously be getting raped on her wedding night no matter who she was married to in this fucked up world unless it was someone as nice as Tyrion who would probably not last long in a Bolton family and CIA and when he stands there trying to think of bullshit to say Sansa steps forward and asks "would you like to hear about our wedding night? he never hurt my face, he needed my face, the face of Ned Stark's daughter... but the rest of me, he did what he liked with the rest of me as long as I could still give him an heir, what do you think he did?" and CIA looks genuinely disgusted as he seemed to actually like having Sansa as a scheming sidekick and she probably reminded him of how fierce her mother was and he whispers "I can't begin to contemplate-" but Sansa insists "what do you think he did to me?" and CIA stands there completely frozen for once not knowing what to say and Sansa glares at him and when CIA goes to try to move on Brie insists with her hand on sword "Lady Sansa asked you a question" and CIA offers "he beat you" and Sansa answers "yes, he enjoyed that, what else do you think he did?" and when he tries to avoid it she insists "what else?" he asks "did he cut you?" just say he raped her which is the obvious thing that was going to happen and Sansa figures "maybe you did know about Ramsay all along?" and CIA insists "I didn't know" and Sansa points out "I thought you knew everyone's secrets" as Brie glares at him for possibly arranging Sansa to get raped and beaten and CIA claims "I made a mistake, a horrible mistake, I underestimated a stranger" and Sansa says quickly "the other things he did ladies aren't supposed to talk about those things but I imagine brothel keepers talk about them all the time... I can still feel it, I don't mean in my tender heart it still pains me so, I can still feel what he did in my body standing here right now" while staying composed and staring CIA down
interesting how social norms about not discussing sex end up protecting abusers more than anything else really gets your noggin joggin about why certain patriarchal religions might have insisted on said social norms and CIA isn't sure what to do in a situation that requires empathy so forces out "I'm... so... sorry" in a breathless tone and Sansa reminds him "you said you would protect me" and CIA promises "I will, you must believe me when I tell you that I will" but she snaps "I don't believe you anymore, I don't need you anymore, you can't protect me, you won't even be able to protect yourself if I tell Brienne to cut you down" lol bullied you beta bitch and she asks "and why shouldn't I?" and CIA not having any dignity asks "do you want me to beg for my life? if that's what you want, I will, whatever you ask that is in my power, I will do" and Sansa tries to control herself and asks "what if I want you to die here and now?" and CIA says "then I will die" and Sansa sums up "you freed me from the monsters who murdered my family... and you gave me to other monsters who murdered my family" welcome to GoT bitch and she decides "go back to Moat Cailin, my brother and I will take back the North on our own, I never want to see you again" and CIA claims "I would do anything to undo what's been done to you... I know that I can't, will you allow me to say one more thing before I go?" which is how you know it's gonna be some cheeky cunt shit trying to manipulate you and Sansa just glares at him and CIA starts droning on about muh family tree "your great-uncle Brynden the Blackfish has gathered what remains of the Tully forces and retaken Riverrun you might consider seeking him out, the time may come when you need an army loyal to you" and when Sansa insists "I have an army" CIA taunts "your brothers army?" and takes the opportunity to walk closer as he reminds her "half-brother" and walks out without her permission, so Riverrun is where the Twin Towers AKA Red Wedding took place at right? I thought CIA was going to point out she needs his men to battle the Bolton's but I guess that's so obvious he'll let her figure that one out
then with Arya she is training the cunty girl again in staff training not matching her perfectly now she can see again and had to learn how to defend against her just on sound alone but the girl still manages to get her on her back and taunts "you're not ready, you should go home before it's too late" but Arya does le ebin gymnastics move where she flips herself back up onto her back you'd never do irl rather than just stand up and to show how better she is the cunty girl drops her own staff and fights Arya with her bare hands as she still flails her staff at her but the cunty girl can get so close to her that she gets the staff off of her and punches her in the face and insists "you'll never be one of us Lady Stark" I guess it's probably just an act to try to get under Arya's skin to test her resolve but uhhh this cunty girl seems to have a personality of her own and in fact so does Jaqen but I guess you could say he just acts like a pretentious mysterious prick as a way to entice new members to his organisation (that's ridiculous and would never be allowed to exist as a free standing group in this world where physical power is everything) and the man himself appears and tells her "she has a point" and she follows him as he tells her "none of the first Faceless Men were born to lords and ladies, they began as slaves in the mines of Valyria" and when Arya asks "who was the first?" Jaqen cheekily says "he was no one" wow nice meme and they walk through the hall of all the harvested faces that seemingly arn't harvested at all actually and like magic hologram cloth or some shit and he tells her "the Many-Faced God taught him how to shed his face and how to give the gift" not sure poisoning someone requires godly intervention but ok and he talks about how the man recruited more until all the masters were gone (and then the place was destroyed by a volcano lmao rip) and he claims the Faceless men founded the Free City of Braavos and shows them the faces he claims they wore in life, I think the pretentious way of saying their original faces, and he offers her to join them if she desires, but she replies "a girl has no desires", which is the right answer, despite her obviously desiring to serve him, and he offers this brainwashed child soldier some poison, but it's not for her this time and she realizes "who?" and he gives her her next target "an actress who calls herself Lady Crane, she performs at the theatre in Sheelba Square, a girl has been given a second chance, there will not be a third, one way or another, a face will be added to the hall" I guess he just sent someone else to kill the dodgy life insurance guy and in Sheelba Square we see a crowd laughing as they watch A PLAY MOCKING THE DEATH OF KING ROBERT GETTING KILLED BY A BOAR LMAOOOO
and the actor gives his dying speech "oh! murdered by a boar! the great big hairy whore! he dug in his tusks! and dug out my guts! and soon I am... no more!" and I think maybe the actress that's the target plays Joffrey, kind of like the reverse of how in Shakespearean times female roles were played by male roles as women weren't allowed on stage, comes up saying "oh come father in bed you must lie, I love you Father please don't die!" but "ROB" SLAPS "JOFFREY" I guess the rumors of how his family slapped him spread lmao and he declares "shut up you swine! Cersei, more wine!" lmaooooooooo I love these in-universe satires, and an actress playing Cersei comes in delivering a more dramatic speech about her son not having a father left as "Joffrey" puts his face to her bosom as if the actors are putting in the incestuous undertones between them that existed "irl" lmao and "Rob" declares "Ned Stark will do fine, now bring me more wine!" and a dwarf with a dodgy scar drawn on his fface and a prosthetic big silly nose playing Tyrion tops him up and then A COMICALLY LECHEROUS "NED" COMES ON STAGE GRABBING HIS CROTCH AND GOING "OOOOOFF!!" WHEN HE SEES "CERSEI" LMAO
playing on how he cheated on his wife and had a bastard and "Tyrion" declares he'll be his Hand and "Ned" delivers a joke about "Rob" stinking too much to go see him but "Rob" leaps out of bed to yell at Ned but falls over lamenting "I die! I die! and here I must lie!" and "ROB" GIVES OUT A GREAT BIG FART AS HE DIES and the crowd laughs hysterically including Arya but when "Cersei" and "Ned" argue about who's in charge now her face screws up sad as they're making fun of how her father got killed and depicting him as a stupid Northern oaf blundering into an obvious betrayal and the in-universe scene transfers to "Joffrey" on the throne slapping Ned away from it and being betrayed by "Tyrion" which I guess is the public assumption now he is notorious for killing his own nephew and father and CIA managed to keep it under wraps it was him and the crowd all laugh as a confused Ned is taken away by cartoonish soldiers and "Joffrey" is crowed King and Arya looks on disgusted as an actress playing her sister Sansa comes on stage begging for her father's life as "Ned" is now in a stockade and "Cersei" begs "Joffrey" to be forgiving too as "Ned" nods with a goofy grin as they depict Joffrey as deciding on mercy implying he actually had good PR at least abroad and off to the side there's ye olde easter egg of "Tyrion" giving "Illyn Payne" a bag of gold as the public probably assume he's behind everything dodgy to ever happen in King's Landing even though he wasn't even there at the time and the executioner swings his axe anyway and "Ned" ducks behind the stockade and tosses out a wooden prop head lmaoooo and the crowd all gasp as "Sansa" grabs the head and cries but then laugh when the guards take it off her to play catch with it as Arya looks on booty blasted and Joffrey is depicted as loving attending to his distressed soon-to-be-wife and "Tyrion" comes on with a cartoonish decree declaring Tywin has made him Hand for life and "TYRION" GRABS "SANSAS" HAND AND PUTS IT TO HIS CROTCH as he declares she'll be his wife and "Sansa" cries out in disgust and he slaps "Joffrey" as he tries to stop him sending him cowering behind "his mother's" skirt lmao and "Tyrion" tells her "you'll learn that what I lack in height, I make up for in appetite!" and "TYRION" TEARS "SANSAS" DRESS DOWN REVEALING HER BREASTS and all the men in the crowd cheer but all the women gasp in shock lmaooooooo as "Tyrion" snarls "so let's forget about your plight, and go rehearse our wedding night!" and drags her off stage as Arya sits there rustled about her sister being raped being a bit in a comedy show, ok that was pretty ebin but you can tell they're trying to recapture the awkward mean spirited atmosphere of Joffrey's wedding since the dumbass normies the show started trying to appeal more and more to found it funny but it just comes across as goofy here
and then behind the scenes we see, oh, I guess it actually was a guy playing Joffrey and not a woman since WE SEE JOFFREY'S ACTOR EXAMINING HIS PENIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LIKE SOME YE OLDE HARVEY WEINSTEIN SHIT and he's whining "it's a wart! two warts! I've got two fucking warts on my cock!", again I wonder if they had to specify for an actor who was uncut because of the setting lmao, although I read somewhere that Peter Dinklage is actually the only American actor in the whole cast so that's not an issue if they're casting mostly British talent (which is why the acting is so good since Amerifats can't act and literally get trained not to "ugly cry" lmao) and the actually quite eloquent actor who plays Ned tells him "well don't worry love they usually go away in five or six years" much to the young mans annoyance, take it he's getting a lot of strange pussy as they travel around the world and women from all over fancy fucking the blond King of Westeros, and the director insists Sansa act better, and the girl decries her small speaking part lmao as maybe a bit of a jab at how women are usually given fuck all to do in most shows, and the actor who plays Tyrion actually is a bit of a creep and walks straight up to eye level with her breasts as she changes out of her costume to tease her and she playfully slaps him on the head as Cersei's actress laughs and the dwarf sees she approves and starts flirting with her too plying her with wine but she seems into it actually and Arya eyes the bottle of wine, I guess meaning she's her target, and they playfully drink to their future children
and later Arya tells Jaqen that "a girl will poison the rum, Lady Crane is the only one who drinks it" although I'm not sure that's true, it seemed like the dwarf was drinking from it too, although maybe that's the point and Arya is fine killing him too for being apart of this show mocking her family, and she requests to have one of the faces, which are apparently really easy to use since she just stole them last one, but he says "a girl is not ready" and Arya starts fishing for why he wants her dead and he asks "does death only come from the wicket and leave the decent behind?" and Arya says "no... who wants her dead?" and he says "that doesn't matter, the price was paid" oh I didn't realize they were for profit lmao, so all this talk about death being truly unbias or whatever the fuck is bullshit and really they're bias for who can afford to hire shapeshifting assassins, hela fucking ebin my dude and Arya deduces that it was actually the younger actress who's jealous that the older one is better than her but Jaqen tells her "a servant does not ask questions"
then in Bran's gamer cave he's warging into another flashback with the old man to see some standing stones around one of the holy white trees that has someone running around it and in real life he breathes hard as in the dream or vision or past or whatever he walks up briskly to see who it is and he finds that it's the children of the forest, the weird elf people, and they all seem female, and their leader seems to be the one Bran is friends with IRL who hasn't aged a day, and they've got a man tied to a tree and THEIR LEADER INSERTS A KNIFE ALL THE WAY INTO THE MAN'S CHEST...
TURNING HIM INTO A WHITE WALKER!!! wow thanks a lot you elf bitches, maybe that was even the King if he was the first one and it looked like the knife was maybe dragonglass so that's how it can kill them, and Bran wakes up and accuses "IT WAS YOU! YOU MADE THE WHITE WALKERS!" and the elf lady justifies "we were at war, we were being slaughtered, our sacred trees cut down, we needed to defend outselves" and Bran asks "from whom?" and she snaps "from you, from men" and storms off yeah fuck the patriarchy ok so uhhhh cant you like.... unmake them? guess she could be the only one left but I guess that makes the White Walkers le rogue super soldiers which is the plot of every sci-fi story ever told lul
then in the Iron Islands everyone is gathered to choose their new King and everyone looks at Theon expecting him to do it but Yara steps forward announcing herself and a man yells out "we've never had a queen!" and Yara points out they've never done a lot of things since to Westeros they are just annoying flies to be swatted down, true lmao their people are pathetic, and the men all agree at how disrespected they are and Yara starts a speech that when she's queen she'll build a fleet but a middle aged grey man storms out insisting a woman can't lead them insisting it should be Theon who looks at the ground hoping no one knows he can't exactly carry on the family name and Yara looks sad having her brother dragged into this but also worrying that he still resents her and will turn on her but Theon steps forward as everyone watches him expectantly and he announces........... "she is your rightful ruler!" and gives a big speech about how great a commander Yara is as everyone yells "aye!" in agreement as some have served under her and he stands beside his sister in support as he says "this is your queen!" and everyone cheers "Yara! Yara! Yara!" as she looks at her brother like it's almost painful for him to be doing so right by her when she had written him off entirely but then from the crowd marches a man yelling "I AM EURON GREYJOY! I CLAIM THE SALT THRONE!" and everyone mutters in shock to each other as Euron walks up and pats Theon on the face saying "little Theon" and says to the crowd "heard you managed to fuck things right into the ground... captured a castle you couldn't keep... got yourself taken prisoner... even heard you have no cock" and the men all laugh probably thinking it's just a stupid rumor and Euron mocks "explains why you think a woman can be king!" as Theon looks down sad and Euron says some edgy shit about how he "had some things to take care of... long overdue" and Yara gets the very heavy handed implication that he killed her father so she steps forward saying "now I know what my first act as Queen will be... TO EXECUTE THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER" and the crowd all gasp and mutter to each other and Euron admits "I DID, I KILLED HIM... THREW HIM RIGHT OVER A ROPE BRIDGE AND WATCHED HIM FALL" and Yara looks around worried that he's not scared of it being known at all and that it's working and no one is offended and he gives a speech about how he was a loser who led them into two hopeless wars and he only apologizes for not killing him years ago and Theon speaks up trying to take on a more commanding voice pointing out that he was gallivanting around the world when this was all happening and his uncle just fires back "gallivanting? that the sort of thing you start to say once your dick gets chopped off?" lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and all the men laugh harder starting to figure maybe it's not just a joke and Theon points out Yara was their leader the entire time he was away and she starts her speech again saying "I will build the largest fleet the world has ever seen!" but Euron points out he'll be the one doing that as he has naval experience all over the world and he tells them "across the sea there is a person who hates the great lords of Westeros just as much as we do" hmmmm is he going to run on a platform of allying with Dany to fuck over their enemies? and aaaah yes he says "someone with a large army, three large dragons... and no husband" and explains his plan is "I'm going to build that fleet and I'm going to gallivant right over and give it to Daenerys Targaryen along with my big cock!" and Yara mocks "you're going to seduce the Dragon Queen?" but he says "my fleet will seduce her and together we're going to take the Seven Kingdoms" and the men all seem to like this plan and he declares "I wasn't born to be King, I paid the iron prince and here I stand" and everyone starts cheering "Euron! Euron! Euron!" since their shithead culture enforces just murdering people to get what you want which is probably why they don't get very far in life lmao and Yara looks concerned at Theon and I guess they just support him more as we cut to Euron being given the ritual Theon went through where the priest purposefully drowns him in the sea while giving a prayer to the Drowned God as Yara and Theon and some men loyal to them run like fuck to some rowboats to get out of there before Euron can have his only rivals taken out and we see the man himself drowning as the priest talks about letting his old self die as "what is dead may never die" and lets him float to the surface and then two men drag him out and leave him on his back to I guess see if the Drowned God blesses him as they don't even try to revive him maybe no one has invented CPR in this world yet but they all just stand there super awkward staring at this unconcious guy but he does start coughing up water and turns over breathing hard which I'm not sure is how it works and you'd most likely die if no one gave you medical attention and the priest crowns him with a super shitty wooden crown and announces him their new King and he asks "where are my niece and nephew?" his mind already on "LETS GO MURDER THEM" so all the hundreds of men loyal to him march to the other side of the island to find "they stole our best ships" lmao ruuuuused but Euron mutters "won't be enough to save them" and orders his men to start building more ships so he can take on the whole of Westeros OK HOL UP, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THIS SEASON? FIRST ELLY TAKING OVER DORN BY KILLING DORAN, THEN RAMSAY TAKING OVER THE BOLTONS BY KILLING ROOSE, THEN DANY TAKING OVER THE ENTIRE DOTHRAKI CIVILIZATION BY KILLING ALL THEIR KHALS AND NOW EURON TAKING OVER THE IRON ISLANDS BY KILLING BALON, PEOPLE BECOMING KING BY JUST PERSONALLY KILLING THE LAST ONE IS LAZY AS FUCK WRITING BUT DOING IT FOUR TIMES IN PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AMOUNT OF EPISODES IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS
then speaking of shit writing we cut to Dany overlooking the Dothraki camp, her sixth group she's gotten control over in as many seasons but now she has like hundreds of thousands of people at her command, and she talks to Jorah about how she sent him away twice but twice he has came back to save her and she doesn't know what to do with him but goes to hug him but Jorah says "you must send me away" and shows her his greyscale that's all up his arm before dickhead Daario grasses him up and she asks "is there a cure?" and Jorah shaking says "I don't know" and she asks "how long does it take" and he says "I don't know either but I've seen what happens when it goes far enough... I'll end things before that" since he doesn't want to live as a mindless zombie that attacks people, although it would be funny if you can actually live a perfectly fine life with it and those "stone men" who attacked him were just the shithead criminal bandits of that community and like just pretending to be savage monsters to scare people and make it easier to rob him lmao and Dany tears up saying "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" and Jorah ever the beta orbiter says "don't be, all I've ever wanted is to serve you" ok I'm into femdom too but you're taking the fetish a bit too far m8 and he tells her "Tyrion Lannister was right..... I love you" and Dany tries to stop from crying as he keeps on saying "I'll always love you... goodbye Khaleesi"
and walks off to go neck himself in the desert I guess now he knows she's safe as she's scared he'll start losing his mind or something but Dany finally gives in and says "do not walk away from your queen Jorah the Anda, you have not been dismissed, you pledged yourself to me, you swore to obey my commands for the rest of your life, well I command you to find the cure! wherever it is in this world, I command you to heal yourself and then return to me, when I take the Seven Kingdoms I need you by my side" and they both tear up looking each other deep in the eye and he nods in agreement not giving up just because she tells her to and then on a horse by himself off to go on his quest he watches as Dany and Daario lead the massive hoard of Dothraki out of their city amazed at how his Queen has amassed even more forces, yeah almost like she's a total Mary Sue innit m8
then in Meereen the Cockless Crew™ are discussing how the SotH have stopped attacking and only two masters were murdered but that was the day of the pact and Varys insists it's safe to say they have a fragile peace but Grey Worm is not so convinced and Tyrion, quite the little Goebbels/Steve Bannon and says they need to make it seem like it was Dany's idea since the SotH have the good story of "resist the foreign invaders" but "our Queen has an even better story: Mother of Dragons! Breaker of Chains! and all that" and proposes they find a hero of the people and when Varys asks "where do we find him?" Tyrion does the "who said anything about him?" epic meme as we cut to them interviewing Kinvara, the High Priestess of the Red Temple of Volantis and a bunch of other dumb memetitles and we see a woman who's wearing the same necklace as the Red Lady, hmmm maybe she's not what she seems too, and I was expecting it to be the asian lady they saw in I think Pentos but maybe this woman will fuck up the interview and it'll end up being them they go to and Tyrion wasn't thinking of someone specific he just wanted a woman in general to keep up the mother theme or maybe that's the same character and just a totally different woman is playing her lul, and Tyrion tries to charm her but she just stands there in silence I guess he's hoping she speaks English but she does and starts talking about how Dany was sent by the Lord of Light and she knows Tyrion heard that belief on the Long Bridge at Volantis hmmm is she meant to be the same character or do they all just share information somehow and she claims "the dragons will purify the nonbelievers by the thousands, burning their sins and flesh away"ALLAH AKBAAAAAAAAAAR and Tyrion can tell she's a wacko and tries to tell her "the Mother of Dragons has followers of many different faiths" since they're going for a progressive multiculti platform but she tells him this is the best way to have her obeyed, to use religion to convert and control people, but Varys butts in pointing out that didn't go so well for Stannis Baratheon oooooooh gotcha thot and when she doesn't reply for the Red Lady's mistakes he taunts "I suppose it's hard for a fanatic to admit a mistake, isn't that the whole point of being a fanatic? you're always right, everything is the Lord's will..." since ah yes the writers remember the storyline where he despises mystics even though we never saw what he did to the man who actually castrated him and she just replies robotically "everything is the Lord's will... but men and women make mistakes, even honest servants of the Lord" and he asks "and you... and honest servant of the Lord, why should I trust you to know any more than the priestess who counselled Stannis?" and Tyrion tries to calm the situation by saying "my friend has a healthy scepticism of religion" EUPHORIC ATHEISM CONFIRMED HIGHEST IQ BELIEF
"but we are all loyal supporters of the Queen" and Varys bows in agreement and Kinvara reiterates "everyone is who they are and where they are for a reason, terrible things happen for a reason, take what happened to you Lord Varys when you were a child, if it were not for your mutilation at the hands of a second rate sorcerer you wouldn't be here, helping the Lord's Chosen bring light into the world" and Varys just looks condescending at her like bitch it'll take more than my most famous attribute to get in my head and she claims "knowledge has made you powerful, but there's still much you don't know" and he furrows his brow as if that's what pisses him off, not knowing something, and she asks "do you remember what you heard that night? when the sorcerer tossed your parts in the fire? you heard a voice call out from the flames, do you remember? should I tell you what the voice said? should I tell you the name of the one who spoke?" wtf does that mean, the dark entity they claim the Lord fights against? and Varys looks super shook as he's probably never told anyone but Tyrion that story and she pushes "we both serve the Queen, if you are her true friend you have nothing to fear from me" and Varys looks disgusted at her for trying to manipulate him like that and Tyrion just stands there like wtf, inb4 he told her that story to manipulate Varys into hiring her (although that would be good writing so don't expect that from season 6)
then with Bran he is laying there in a cave he's been laying there for 2 years understandably bored and he tries throwing a rock at the old man as he sleeps lmao to no reaction other than the crow cawing in the distance like maybe he wargs even in his sleep and the Bran starts crawling his way over to a tree root that I guess is apart of his body and when he touches it he enters whatever warg he is doing and finds himself in a snowy place... that's now the old white tree where the standing stones were in his last vision as if Winter has Come™ and fucked that place up, thanks climate change! and Bran looks sad as he turns around to see... AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES and he walks into them examining the insides of their exposed skulls and shit like a zoomer who's watched too much of The Walking Dead and then he looks up on a zombie horse to see... THE WHITE WALKER KING... AND HIS THREE WHITE WALKER RIDERS
clearly a stand-in for the four horsemen in abrahamic mythology and THE WHITE WALKER KING LOOKS DIRECTLY AT BRAN and he looks behind himself to make sure he's not getting memed again and he's not looking at someone behind him but ALL THE ZOMBIES ARE LOOKING AT HIM TO
and wakes up with a scream and yells to the startled old man "HE SAW ME! THE NIGHT KING! HE SAW ME!" and the man says "he touched you" and Bran thinks it's a question and says "I don't know he was close" but the old man aint asking "he touched you" and Bran looks down to see A FROSTY HAND PRINT ON HIS ARM oh fuggg I think that gag was done in a Harry Potter movie where he has a vision of Voldy who can see him too or something but it's a good meme and the old man warns he's been doxxed "he knows you are here, he'll come for you" and Bran thinks "he can't get in" but he old man explains "he can now, his mark is on you, you must leave, all of you" welp guess Bran got his wish to leave, and Meera immediately asks Hodor to help her with their sledge and Bran says "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" to the old man and he just says "the time has come... for you to become me" and Bran asks scared "but am I ready?" and the old man simply says NO and Brans eyes go white as if his warging to maybe imply the old man is transferring part of his soul to Bran or maybe even stealing his body if that was his epic masterplan all along since giving Bran his body wouldn't be much help if it's stuck there in a tree with the Night King coming there
then with Jon he is looking at a battle map of the situation in the North at a table with the eclectic crew of Brie, Sansa, The Red Lady, Davos, Edd and Tormund and whining "we can't defend the North from the Walkers and the South from the Boltons, we if want to survive we need Winterfell and to take Winterfell we need more men" and Davos sums up that "aside from the Starks and the Boltons the most powerful Houses in the North are the Umbers, the Karstarks and the Manderlys, the Manderyls and the Karstarks have already declared for the Boltons so were' not doing so well there" and Sansa decides "the Umbers gave Rickon to our enemies, they can hang" wew lass but she defends "but the Karstarks declared for Ramsay without knowing they had another choice" and Davos has to say "I beg your pardon my lady but they know a Stark beheaded their father, I don't think we can count on them either" and Sansa looks around pissed off explains her father always said Notherners are loyal but Davos points out none rose up against the Boltons and explains "I don't know Northerners but I know men, they're more or less the same in any corner of the world and even the bravest of them don't want to see their wives and children skinned for a lost cause, if Jon's going to convince them to fight along side them, they need to believe it's a fight they can win" which sounds about right on both parts that people usually have the same motivations no matter where they're from and you can be an edgy prick all you want but it just makes your enemies make sure they're going to win before they do anything and Jon suggests recruiting "Glover, Mormont, Cerywn, Mazin, Hornwood, two dozen more, together they equal all the others, we can start small and big" and Sansa does the "the North remembers" meme insisting they'll avenge the Starks but Davos reminds them "Jon doesn't have the Stark name" and without missing a beat Sansa immediately says "no but I do" and everyone looks at her awkward so she says "Jon is every bit as much Ned Stark's son as Rramsay is Roose Bolton's" lol rekt and she brings up the Tully's would back them against the Boltons for what they did to their family bragging her her uncle "the Blackfish" has taken Riverrun and Jon asks "how do you know that?" and I guess being ashamed of working with CIA or knowing they'd want him dead and she wants to keep him as a possible ally up her sleeve for herself she lies that "Ramsay received a raven before I escaped Winterfell" and Brie looks down trying to do a poker face as she knows it's a lie and Davos says that's a great start
but then outside Brie is bitching at Sansa but not for lying for Sansa ordering her to go see the Blackfish as she's the only one she can trust to get it done right and Brie sighs saying "I don't like leaving you here alone" and Sansa asks "with Jon?" and she says "no he seems trustworthy a bit brooding perhaps I suppose that's understandable considering... the others though... Davos and the Red Woman helped a man murder his own brother with bloodmagic and when Stannis paid for his crime where were they? already out looking for a leader with better prospects, and that Wildling fellow with the beard!" creeped out by him eyeing her lmao but Sansa assures her Jon isn't like any of them and will always protect her but Brie brings up her lying about the Riverrun intel and she doesn't have an answer, then outside Jon awkwardly compliments Sansa on the new clothes she made saying "I... I like the wolf bit!" lmao Jon is such a furry and she says "good, because I made this for you" and hands him a new coat that she made based on the one Ned used to make and he actually looks super proud of it as he always wanted to be like Ned, then we see Tormund staring at Brie some more making her cringe which just makes him smile, oh lovable Tormund that wacky probably rapist! and then Jon is telling Edd not to rekt the place until he gets back, I guess he's leaving too to get more support from other houses, and they hug being each others only remaining friends, and then all the other main characters ride off to I guess go with Jon but ol Edd and some lad asks him "should we close the gate Lord Commander?" and Edd corrects him "I'm not the Lord Commander" but then looks around at how there's fuck all men left and they'd be fucked if anything happened so swallows "yeah, close the bloody gate!" lis
then with Bran and the old man still warging Meera is talking to Hodor about how happy she is to leave this fucking cave and he chuckles "hehodor!" in agreement as she adds not having to eat moss anymore oh I guess that's how they survived wait is that moss technically apart of the old mans body lmao and she starts describing all the lovely meals they'll be able to have again and Hodor gives a big satisfied "oh hodooorrr" imagining it but then she suddenly gets super shook, looks at Bran and runs as fast as he can out of the cave as if she hears something but I think it's just the creepy score but in that score is that ticking clock sound that got ripped off for Dunkirk and she findf the elf girl and some other elf girls standing looking out at THE NIGHT KING, THE WHITE WALKERS AND THEIR ZOMBIE ARMY OH FUUUUUUUU-
and Meera absolutely fucking bricks it as THE NIGHT KING STEPS FORWARD, PUTS HIS HAND TO THE GROUND AND CAUSES CRACKS IN THE EARTH TO SPREAD TO THE CAVE BEHIND THEM AND THE ELF GIRL YELLS "GET BRAN AND RUN!" AS SHE RUNS INSIDE GRABBING HER SWORD AND THE NIGHT KING TAKES OUT AN ICE AXE OFF HIS BACK AND ALL HIS ZOMBIES START ADVANCING ON THE CAVE AND MEERA SHAKES BRAN TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP AS HODOR SITS THERE ROCKING BACK AND FOURTH SAYING "HODOR! HODOR!" but Bran and the old man are still warging into the past to see lil shota Ned hugging his big brother goodbye as he's about to leave and Meera drags over the sledge and yells for Hodor to help get Bran on but he's having a panic attack in the corner as THE WHITE WALKER ARMY IS SLOWLY MARCHING ON THE CAVE AND THE ELF GIRLS THROW THEIR INCENDIARY GRENADES AT THEM BLOWING ZOMBIES THE FUCK AWAY LIKE SOME LEFT 4 DEAD PIPEBOMB SHIT
BUT THERE'S TOO MANY SO THEY IGNITE A ROW OF TWIGS THEY PUT GOING ALONG THE GROUND TO FORM A PROTECTIVE SHIELD OF FIRE AND RETREAT TO THE CAVE BUT... THE NIGHT KING'S AURA IS SO COLD IT EXTINGUISHES THE FIRE AND HIM AND THE THREE WHITE WALKERS STRUT THROUGH AND AS THEY LEAVE IT SPREADS AGAIN KEEPING THE ZOMBIES OUT SO THEY ALL ZERG RUSH UP THE HILL THE CAVE IS UNDER TO THE OTHER EXIT WAITING TO AMBUSH THEM
hey pssst guys you could just drop down over the first cave entrance to bypass the fire but ok and we see Meera struggling to get Bran into the sledge as he's still in the warging flashback hearing his grandfather or whoever telling whatever his uncles name was "remember you're a Stark, comport yourself with dignity at the Vale... and try to stay out of fights" as the not yet Old Nan holds young Hodor sad to see his friend leave but his father grabs him by the chin and tells him "but if you have to fight... win" lmao and Meera tries to wake up Bran as A ZOMBIE DROPS DOWN FROM ABOVE HAVING BURROWED IN BUT MEERA SAWS IT IN HALF WITH HER SWORD AND WHEN A SECOND JUMPS IN IT ALMOST KILLS HER WITH A MEAT CLEAVER BUT SUMMER DIVES ON TOP OF IT TEARING IT APART
AND HODOR JUST SITS THERE FREAKING OUT AS THE ELF GIRLS RUN IN AND ZOMBIES HANG DOWN FROM THE CEILING TRYING TO GRAB THEM BUT THE MAIN ONE STABS ONE IN THE EYE AND TEARS ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF OH SHIT
AND MEERA SHAKES BRAN SAYING "WAKE UP BRAN WE NEED HODOR" AS THE ELF GIRLS FIRE ARROWS AT THE ZOMBIES BUT A ZOMBIE WILDLING SMASHES AN ELF GIRLS BRAINS IN AND A ZOMBIE THENN BURSTS IN TRYING TO EAT ANOTHER AND MEERA SCREAMS INTO BRAN'S EAR "BRAN WAKE UP WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" which he hears echoing in the flashback vision and he hears her voice screaming "warg into Hodor now!" over and over again and he looks over at young Hodor seemingly confused what time period he is in and the old man recommends "listen to your friend Brandon" and Bran starts to hear adult Hodor panicking and saying his meme on a loop as he looks at young Wylis and BRAN MANAGES TO WARG INTO PRESENT HODOR THROUGH YOUNGER HODOR IN HIS VISION
AND AS MEERA HACKS AT ZOMBIES WITH HER SWORD AND THE ELF GIRL RAMS THEM BACK WITH HER SPEAR BRAN STANDS HODOR'S BODY UP BUT... A WHITE WALKER ELDER WALKS IN AND WHEN AN ELF JABS HIM IN THE ARMOR WITH A SPEAR TO NO EFFECT HE RAMS HER THROUGH WITH HIS ICE SWORD
AND BRAN MAKES HODOR GRAB THE SLEDGE BRAN'S BODY IS ON AND SCURRIES OFF WITH HIMSELF AS MEERA GRABS THE SPEAR AND THROWS IT INTO THE WHITE WALKERS NECK... EXPLODING HIM INTO THOUSANDS OF CHUNKS OF ICE!!!
AND THE CAVE STARTS FLOODING WITH ZOMBIES SO SUMMER SNARLS TO TRY TO KEEP THEM BACK AS MEERA AND THE ONE REMAINING ELF GIRL FLEE OUT THE OTHER EXIT AND TO BUY THEM SOME TIME... SUMMER SACRIFICES HERSELF BY CHARGING INTO A PILE OF ZOMBIES MAULING THEM
BUT ALL THE OTHERS IRONICALLY DOGPILE HER AND START MAULING HER BACK NO DOGGYYYYYYYY!!! AS BRAN DRAGS HIS BODY AS FAST AS HODOR'S CAN RUN WITH MEERA AND THE ELF BY HIS SIDE AS A FLOOD OF ZOMBIES COMES RACING DOWN THE CAVE BEHIND THEM
and back in the main cave the old man sitting in the roots is still warging as the Night King walks past his two remaining White Walker Elders up to him and the old man, god whats his name, let me see, I guess fans call him the 3ER aka the Three Eyed Raven, ok, well uh the old man since that's easier to type tells Bran still beside him within the flashback "the time has come... leave me" as the Night King raises his weapon IRL and the old man grimaces as Bran preparing himself for the end as THE NIGHT KING SLICES HIS ICE BLADE THROUGH THE THREE EYED RAVEN'S REAL BODY
AS THE ZOMBIES CLIMB UP THE WALLS AND CEILING SO EVEN MORE CAN CHASE AFTER HIM AND HIS FRIENDS AND THE ELF GIRL REALIZES SHE CAN'T LET A DOG GET ALL THE GLORY AND STOPS IN HER TRACKS AND MEERA SHRIEKS "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" AND SHE SCREAMS AT HER "GO!"
AND SHE TURNS TO FACE THE HOARD OF HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES FLOODING TOWARDS HER AND TAKES OUT HER LAST INCENDIARY GRENADE, CHARGES IT UP WITH HER ANCIENT MAGIC AND LETS THE ZOMBIES DOGPILE HER AND START STABBING INTO HER WITH THEIR BARE BONE FINGERS TO GET AS MANY AS SHE CAN AROUND HER AND THEN DETONATES THE GRENADE
and Meera recoils looking back at the huge fireball dissipating and Bran starts trying to get Hodor to ram the now fucking close door down as Meera sees MORE ZOMBIES RUNNING OUT OF THE SMOKE AND SHE SCREAMS "HODOR! HURRY!" AS HE JUST BARELY MANAGES TO OPEN THE DOOR, GET BRAN AND MEERA OUT AND SLAM IT SHUT AND STRUGGLE TO HOLD IT AS DOZENS OF ZOMBIES PILE INTO IT AND MEERA YELLS AT HIM "HOLD THE DOOR!"
which makes Bran in the flashback turn to look at Wylis aka lil Hodor as he hears her voice echo around him... and WYLIS LOOKS OVER AT BRAN as "hold the door!" echos around the flashback Winterfell and WYLIS' EYES GO WHITE AND HE COLLAPSES AS THE SPACETIME WARG CONNECTION GOES ON FOR TOO LONG AND BRAN HAS TO KEEP USING HIS FUTURE BODY TO HOLD THE DOOR SHUT AND MEERA YELLS BACK "HOLD THE DOOR!" AS SHE DRAGS BRANS BODY OFF INTO THE SNOWSTORM AS NOW HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES PILE INTO THE OTHER SIDE
and in the flashback, which is actually the real Winterfell like 40 years ago Bran is really astral projecting to, he hears "hold the door!" scream around him as he sees "Wylis" having a seizure on the ground but he can't break the connection through him or him and Meera are fucked and Nan dives to his side and asks "whats the matter? come on son!" and WYLIS STARTS SCREAMING "HOLD THE DOOR!" AS HIS FUTURE BODY HEARS MEERA SCREAMING AS BRAN CONTROLS IT THROUGH HIM TO KEEP THE ZOMBIES IN AND BRAN WATCHES FROM WINTERFELL AS WYLIS SPEECH STARTS TO SLUR "HOLD THEDOOR! HOLD THEDOOR! HOLDTHEDOOR!" AS HE REALIZES... BRAN IS THE ONE WHO GAVE HODOR HIS BRAIN DAMAGE AS A YOUNG BOY FROM WARGING INTO HIM FROM THE FUTURE FOR TOO LONG
BUT HE CAN'T STOP AS THE ZOMBIES HANDS ARE STARTING TO BREAK THROUGH THE DOOR HE'S USING HIS FUTURE BODY TO HOLD SHUT AND BRAN SEES THROUGH HODOR'S EYES MEERA LOOK BACK AS SHE ESCAPES INTO THE PITCH WHITE SNOW WITH HIS BODY AS ZOMBIE HANDS BURST OUT ALL AROUND HODOR'S BODY AND GRAB HIM AND BRAN CAN ONLY WATCH IN WINTERFELL AS HE FRIES WYLIS BRAIN MAKING HIM WRITHE AROUND ON THE GROUND SCREAMING IN TERROR "HOLDTHEDOOR! HOLDTHEDOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDOOR! HOLDADOOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! ...HODOR... HODOR... HODOR...... HODOR"
as I guess he's forced to experience his older body most likely dying and maybe it's not the Warging that makes him braindamaged and he could have survived having his fit but having his mind linked to his future self as he fucking dies is what gives him it, ok, I actually didn't know that was coming, when I said I knew how he got his braindamage I just saw screencaps of Hodor holding a door and people saying it was retarded that Hodor actually means "hold the door" but I just assumed that was a screencap from a flashback and assumed that he got brain damage trying to hold a door from some attack on the Starks and kept saying "hodor" because that was the last thing he heard/was saying as he was getting sashed in the head by enemies attacking or something but this was quiiiiiiite the fucking meme and most likely probably a retcon or not what GRRM intended in the books since older Hodor clearly has a scar on his temple and they gave it to young Hodor too to try to explain away oh a-actually he d-d-d-didn't get braindamage from physical injury a-after all heh and this is some wacky Heroes style shit with people teleporting about in time effecting the plot but you know what I like it, there I said it, it's a cool twist that it turned out to be Bran who gave one of his best friends his braindamage since it plays into the theme of no good deed going unpunished, that that's what he had to do to save himself and Meera, not only sacrifice Hodor in the present but doom him to a lifetime of mental disability and it also works as a good moment for it to be revealed that BRAN CAN FUCKING TIME TRAVEL since it makes it a tragic curse but also kind of lets you know this is a "whatever happened happened" LOST style ruleset where he can't actually change anything with it, only learn things to use in the future, and if he does cause anything to happen, he'll have always done that, so nothing will actually be different in the future, he was just always destined to cause that to happen in some infernal infinite loop, which kind of plays into the themes of free will and destiny, the idea of effecting the world with your memes instead of genes and I guess since he takes Wylis from himself and makes him be Hodor the theme of identity and how it's effected by others too, and also this season is really fucking bad with all it's ebin twists that are "just stab the king to be king lul" over and over again so I'll take a twist that's at least entertaining and something wacky to shake up the setting with, basically what plothole thing homie heheheh fuck it duuuuuuuuuuude
Game of Thrones 6x06: "Blood of My Blood" ghost rider special edition
First aired: May 29, 2016
we come in on Meera who's the last Bran friend squad left carting his body on the sledge through the tundra gasping in terror that the zombies will get her and dumbass Bran who couldn't just wake himself up from his warging is having flashes of visions of... time for some LOST style frame-by-frame screencapture analysis... some men in a cellar taking some big glass balls of something off a shelf, a dragon, a dragons shadow over King's Landing, I think the Mad King himself screaming on the Iron throne, the Night King in Hardhome raising his arms, the zombie Eskimo lady, Bran falling from the broken tower, Dany and her dragons being born, the White Walker carrying Craston's infant son, the Night King converting him, the Mad King and Dany again and then Ned being beheaded and Meera keeps dragging the sled as far as she can but she collapses in the snow but makes herself keep going as Bran gets the same flashes again but with the crows that attacked Sam and then... a man pouring wildfire into a jar as the Mad King screams "BURN THEM ALL" and a huge bright green fireball rushes through a cellar, a man unsheathing a blade in from of the Mad King that's presumably Jaime, Ned asking Arthur "where's my sister?", Jaime killing the Mad King
Robb dying, the elf lady, the White Walker attacking Jon, flashes of all that shit as the wildfire explosion flies through a cellar presumably with the barrels of ale having wilfire hidden in them but then in real life HOARDS OF ZOMBIES ARE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS and Meera collapses again and tries with all her might to pull Bran along but she breaks down crying as she finds she's too weak and she gets on top of Bran and takes his head hoping he'll wake up but he's still having visions of his fall, the wildfire being set up, the Mad King screaming "BURN THEM ALL" and then loads of flashes of the White Walkers and their zombie army at Hardhome as if... the Old Gods are giving Bran a little clue on what a good weapon against them might be hmmmmmm
BRAN FINDS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE NIGHT KING WHO GRABS HIM but it was just a memory of that vision... or was it... as the zombies close in IRL and Bran finally comes too and says "Meera... THEY'VE FOUND US" and she looks up to see the zombies moving in in the distance and she keeps crying and hugs him saying "I'm so sorry!" and covers him trying to protect him for at least a few more seconds but as the zombies close in A HORSE KICKS A ZOMBIE AWAY REVEALING A CLOAKED MAN ON TOP OF IT WHO IGNITES A MANACLE ON A CHAIN AND STARTS WHIPPING HIS FLAMING WEAPON AROUND TO RIDE IT STRAIGHT THROUGH A ZOMBIE
AND SETS ANOTHER ONE ON FIRE WITH IT AND JUST RIDES HIS HORSE THROUGH A SKELETON MAKING IT SMASH INTO ITS CONSTITUTE BONES AGAINST A TREE AND HE RIDES BY ANOTHER BEHEADING IT WITH A HAND SCYTHE AND THEN EMBEDS IT IN ANOTHERS RIB CAGE AND HE PULLS IT ALONG BY A CHAIN HE HAS ON IT PULLING IT APART
AND ANOTHER ZOMBIE GETS CLOSE SO HE LASSOS IT WITH HIS FLAMING CHAIN AND PULLS IT ONTO THE GROUND FOR IT TO WRITHE AROUND AS THE FIRE DESTROYS ITS BODY HOLY FUCK THEYRE BEING SAVED BY GHOST RIDER!!
AND THE HOODED MAN ORDERS "COME WITH ME! NOW!" AS MORE ZOMBIES CHARGE IN AND HE POINTS OUT "THE DEAD DON'T REST" SO SHE HELPS HIM GET BRAN UP ON HIS HORSE AND THEY ALL RIDE OFF TOGETHER uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok I'm guessing this is us finally fucking seeing Jon's uncle, which would be Bran's great-uncle, Benjen who they keep hinting was seen beyond The Wall
then in Westeros we see four guards escorting a carriage with Sam, lil Sam and Gilly in it as she looks out the window amazed "it's so green!" and Sam impresses her by listing all the trees they get down there trying to take his mind off what's to come but he can't help but drop in the anxiety about now Summer's older so... the autumn colors will be coming in (wonder if Americans were confused at that line since they call autumn "fall" as if a 3 year old was trying to describe the season since that's when leaves fall down lmao) and she points out "you're nervous, you're a nervous talker" and when Sam shuts up she "says being a nervous mute is no better" and he explains he's scared to see his father again after he figured he'd never have to go back home to the man who disowned him and threatened to kill him lmao and Sam reminds her they have to lie that lil Sam is his biological son so his father will take them in and he'll have a good life growing up in a rich family and when she asks "what did you tell your family about me?" he looks nervous and says "I... told them I met you up North" and it transpires not exactly how far up North and Sam explains his father was hoping he'd make a man of himself by "killing some bloody wildlings" but Gilly seems to understand and looks out the window saying "I think we're here" as we see SAM'S FAMILY OWN A MASSIVE MANSION BIGGER THAN MOST KINGS CASTLES
and inside is an arrangement of servants to greet them and Sam's mother and sister rush down to hug him back home relieved to see him alive and well and Sam is shocked to see "Walla? gods, you're a woman now!" as his little sister aint so little anymore, thankfully they're not Targs or Lannisters lmao and she immediately starts bitching about the man with yellow teeth father says she has to marry and Sam introduces them to Gilly who gives a curtsy she somehow learned maybe from Shireen rip and she tries to politely say "I am happy to know you Lady Tarly" pretending to be not a wildling and then he introduces them to lil Sam who smiles and reaches for them as they are amazed to see Sam finally got laid and as this cute little 1 year old actor looks around at all the other actors doing a surprisingly good job of not staring off behind the camera like most very young actors do and his grandmother says "you've got a curious mind I can tell!" and gives him back to his mother who goes off to take a bath with his sister as she takes Sam off to discuss their father
and then with Tommen and the High Sparrow in the Sept they're discussing how TOMMEN IS GOING TO LET HIS WIFE BE MARCHED NAKED THROUGH THE CITY LMAOOO CUCKBOIIIIIIIII and he tries to control his temper that he's getting more and more like Joffrey with each time but seems to be going along with the High Sparrows demands thinking it's the best outcome for everyone and being gradually brainwashed by him and he assures him that the common people will be kinder to Marg than they were to Cersei for her charity work and Tommen admires that in her and the High Sparrow offers to let him see her and we cut to Marg sitting reading her not!bible as he lets Tommen in and he hugs her close and first thing he wants to know is "have they hurt you?" and she needs to keep up the appearances of being truly converted to this retarded religion so misses out the whole year in solitary thing and assures him that everything will be ok and Tommen gets awkward as he remembers the whole Walk of Atonement thing and he looks concerned when she seems fine with it and supporting the High Sparrow as she's pretending to be far more brainwashed than he is gradually legitimately becoming and she giggles "you think I'm mad, I sound mad!" and Tommen assures her she's right about the High Sparrow and he actually seems alright and Marg pretends to have gotten some self knowledge from the High Sparrow but Tommen insists she's always been a good person but Marg admits that was just for show, uh oh, maybe really giving into the ideology so she can be accepted better to save her brother, the same sort of fucked up identity changing shit Theon and Arya went through, and talks about how she was just lying to herself about being a good person but she loses Tommen who's not that brainwashed yet but she tells him it's a relief to let go for her lies and he asks "what about Loras?" and she claims "I will always love my brother, his soul is pure and perfect, his sins don't erase that purity they only obscure it, he just needs to atone for them... we all do, sooner or later one way or another the gods have a plan for us all" and Tommen stares at her confused about how she's talking about her own brother but seems to believe it
and then at Sam's place he sees Gilly has been put in one of his sisters ridiculous dresses and had her hair done and make-up did and she jokes "it's hard to walk in this" but he takes her by the arm and says "it's beautiful, you're beautiful" and then at dinner we finally see Sam's father awkwardly staring at his son and his new daughter in law as everyone gorges on food and Sam tries to make small talk with I guess his brother or brother-in-law about if the meat was hunted by them or not and the arrogant young man brags about taking a deer down from 70 yards in one shot and then asks Sam if he hunts over The Wall and Sam grabs "over The Wall if you don't hunt you don't eat!" and the posh twat asks "over there is it mostly deer or elk?" and Sam admits "rabbits... sometimes squirrels... I say we it's my friend Jon mostly... sometimes Edd... oh and Gilly she's quite a good hunter as well... or huntress" as Mr. Tarly glares at his Son embarrassing him yet again and Gilly freezes up as his mother says "I suppose it's quite common where you're from" but starts talking about an Umber she knew who trained all his daughters how to hunt so she doesn't mean that far North and his Walla or whatever gasps "your father taught you how to hunt?! our father would never teach us! I think our father could learn a thing or two from your father" making Lord Tarly grumble "that's enough of that" and she bites her lip to stop her from smiling, I can see why Sam is so fat since meal times at the table with his father must be stressful lmao and when Sam is offered some more bread his father snaps "NOT FAT ENOUGH ALREADY?" weeeeeeeew boiiiiiii and a self conscious Sam waves away the servant and Gilly looks sad that Sam's father is a dickhead too, well fifth times a charm Sam just murder your father and that makes you the new Lord isn't that how it works this season? but he instead nervously tries to change the topic to him becoming a Maester, I guess he hasn't heard that he could also be asking his father to chip in some men for Jon's war cause, and his dad just bitches at him about how the Night's Watch didn't make him a man and "you managed to stay soft... and fat... nose buried in books, spending your life reading about the achievements of better men... I'll wager you still can't sit a horse or wield a sword" and his mother tries to explain being the Night's Watch maester is a great honor but Gilly butts in insisting "he can wield a sword! he killed a Thenn! he killed a White Walker!" and the doofus brother-in-law laughs and says "there's no such thing" and Gilly slips up saying "I saw it with my own eyes on our way down to Castle Black, he drove a dagger into the Walker's heart, he risked his own life to save me more than once, he's a greater warrior than either of you will ever be" and Sam cringes as he can already tell what's going to happen as all his father took from that is "your way down to Castle Black? where did he kill a White Walker? where are you from? how'd you come to meet my son?" and Gilly just smiles as she's not afraid of this pompous spoiled prick after what she's been through and says "the Night's Watch came to our keep" and he demands "where?" and Sam tries to stop her but she admits "North of The Wall!" and he realizes "you're a Wildling" and everyone looks at how nervous Sam is and sees it's true and he starts ranting "the Seven Kingdoms have waged war against these savages for centuries and here I sit hosting one in my hall! thanks to my son... see that sword? it's called Heartsbane, it's been in our family for 500 years, it's Valyrian steel" and Sam looks up when he hears that since he knows that's now even more precious and his father boasts "only a handful of them left in the world, it's supposed to go to my firstborn son when I die, to him, he will never wield that sword, if he were to become Lord Tarly of Horn Hill it would be the end of this house, I took you for a Moletown whore when I first saw you and I made my peace with that, who else would have him? but I overestimated him... no... it was a wildling whore who seduced my son, this you getting back at me boy? hmm? bringing that to my table and making me DINE WITH IT?! and you got what you were after didn't you? a bastard, a half-breed bastard, your invitation to our home?" and his wife snaps at him "I've lost my appetite" and takes her daughter with her and he tries to explain "he dishonors us" but she snaps back "you dishonor yourself!" and his father just uses that against Sam "your mother's a fine woman, you're not worthy of her" but decides "to please her I'll take the Wildling in... she can work in the kitchens... the bastard will be raised here, but this will be the last night you ever spend in Horn Hill" as Sam looks down knowing he can't say shit for the sake of his charges sake
and later that night he's apologizing to Gilly for letting his father speak to her like that but explains he had to put up with it for them and she says she's just angry "horrible people can treat good people like that and get away with it" and Sam mutters he has to leave at first light and lil Sam can sense the bad atmosphere and starts crying and Sam can't take it and goes to leave but Gilly rushes up to gives him a kiss and assures him his father is wrong about what he is and Sam cries that he's got such a lovely girl and says "good-bye Gilly" and leaves before he gets any more upset leaving her to look around in amazement that she went from one of the poorest people in the world to one of the richest and makes sure lil Sam is ok as it's all for her but then SAM BARGES IN AND SAYS "WE'RE LEAVING" and picks up lil Sam insisting "we belong together, all of us!" and since Gilly doesn't have anything other than his sisters dress they can just leave right now and on the way to the front door SAM STEALS HIS FATHER'S SWORD and when she asks "won't he come from it" Sam quips "he can bloody well try!" as they leg it oh hohohoho nice one was expecting for it to be ages until Sam stands up to his father but I guess fuck it duuuude
them in Braavos Arya is watching another play about the King's Landing royal family and THIS PLAY IS MAKING FUN OF JOFFREY'S DEATH HAHAHAHA and they have a dude pulling away fake doves being released from Joffrey's cake and the actor with the two warts on his penis delivers a monolog about how much he loves Margaery who comes on stage to kiss to the crowd and the actor hams it up asking knowingly "uncle, will you share in my joy and be my royal cup bearer?" and the crowd gasps knowing what's coming as the dwarf playing Tyrion scurries up cackling "drink long and deep my noble King from this cup of sweet... wine" and he turns to the audience and lets them know "the last cup he'll ever drink, and vengeance shall be mine! heheheheheh" and the audience boo and hiss the now world-wide infamous cowardly traitor as "Joffrey" over-acts staggering around the stage choking and lamenting being poisoned as he points to "Tyrion" who waggles a comedic cardboard prop of a jug of poison as the audience gasps and boos as he runs off cackling lmao and Arya is the only one laughing as she's quite the edge queen with a love for poison
and her target, the actress for Cersei, gives a dramatic speech as she holds "her" firstborn son and Arya just watches with a big smile on her face glad to see that Joffrey died in hopefully as tragic circumstances at this probably knowing it was way more gruesome than they'd depict in a comedy but then gets sad as she realizes that this woman is actually a really good actress and doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong and she's going to have to kill her in the same fucked up cowardly manner and the crowd get all sad at her amazing performance of a grieving mother and Arya notices the actress for Sansa is indeed watching from behind the scenes getting jealous that she gets the only serious role that gets respect in the production while she's just there for sex appeal and Arya starts a big applause for her as the crowd all cheer her on and as the scene changes to... A PARODY OF TYRION KILLING TYWIN hahahaha as the dwarf actor creeps on set saying "what is that I hear and smell? someone I'll soon send to hell! it's time to see if truth they told, who said Tywin Lannister shits gold!" nah he just runs up debts mate and pretends to shoot the director who's playing Tywin on the toilet lmao and the actor gives a big dramatic speech as Arya sneaks behind the scenes and THE ACTOR PRETENDS TO SHIT HIMSELF AS HE DIES, BUT THIS TIME ON THE TOILET, AND THE AUDIENCE ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING LMAOOOOOOOOOOO and "Tyrion" ends the scene with a ye old fourth-wall break "my greatest crime! now I must flee, then sail across the Narrow Sea, to do unto YOU more treachery! don't fear Winter, fear me!" and fires his toy crossbow into the crowd who all boo him and look around worried wondering if it's true Tyrion is really in Essos, everyone being too dumb to realize that the only dwarf around there is the one who just walked off stage which would be quite the place to hide for the real Tyrion lmao
and as the director winds down the production and introduces all the actors for them to applaud Arya is sneaking poison into the bottle of rum with her target getting the biggest applause and then she flees quickly as the cast all return to their dressing room but the target catches Arya sneaking out and asks "I saw you yesterday in the audience, how many times have you seen this stupid play?" clearly wanting to do more serious material and Arya admits "three times" but all she wants to know is "did you pay?" and Arya admits "no" and the actress admits she used to do the same thing when "players" came to her village which is why she ran off to join them and gives Arya a smile assuming she has the same interest and takes her further behind the scenes while criticising the writing and Arya invites her to "change it, it would all just be farting, belching and slapping without you" and the actress smiles seeing her younger self in this girl and asks "how would you change it?" and Arya looks momentarily upset as she thinks of probably her own mother and tells her that Cersei would be angry and want to kill the person who did this to her and the actress asks "what's your name?" and Arya gives her name as "Mercy" *sheev voice* ironic and the actress says "you have very expressive eyes Mercy, wonderful eyebrows, do you like pretending to be other people?" which is ironic on the obvious level and on the meta level since Maisie Williams' oddest feature is her massive too far apart eyes that make her look like a gremlin lmao and Arya tries to resist the temptation of an easier peaceful life and also hanging about any longer at the scene of an about to be murder and blurts out "I have to go my father's waiting for me" and rushes of... then later we see the untouched bottle of wine, and the girl who plays Sansa lies to her how great she thought she was and the director whines "no laugh for Ned's death, these people are worse than animals!" and the actors all admit Lady Crane was the best but the director has a moment as they say in the business ranting about how he's the most important person and they're not fit to judge him and Lady Crane pours her poisoned drink and is about to sip but she cant bare to listen to this pompous twat going on anymore and stares at him until he gives up and struts off and when she finally goes to sip ARYA SLAPS THE POISONED DRINK OUT OF HER HAND and everyone stares at her like wtf and Arya just points to the younger actress and says "careful of that one, she wants you dead" and everyone stares at her like uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya wot m8 but Lady Crane can tell she's serious and glares at the younger actress who looks around shook (ok in these days actors were considered on the same level as hobos and whores lmao so I guess the Faceless Men have some pretty low prices if she can afford them) and we see... the cunty girl has been spying on Arya the whole time (while wearing some oddly modern clothes)
and I guess Arya has decided she doesn't want to just murder any innocent person for money which wasn't exactly included in the brochure so she runs to retrieve Needle from the rocks she hit it in and she smiles as it's still there (inb4 Jaqen knew that and left it there as le ebin test) but then we cut to him actually starting to cut a dead man's face off when the cunty girl comes to give him the news that it went as how she expected and Jaqen sighs "a shame, a girl has many gifts" as he peels the dead mans face off and the girl says "you promised me" and Jaqen allows "dont let her suffer" as he removes the mans face entirely wow quite the personalities you two seem to have hmmmm gives me the big think this is all a sham and you just want to make some money and then in we see Arya going to sleep in some dark stone room with Needle beside her uhhhh she'd be pretty dumb to go back to sleep at that big building but maybe it's somewhere new
then in King's Landing we see the Tyrell soldiers all in shiny silver armor coming to meet Jaime in the city streets and uhhhh let me just point out that MACE TYRELLS ARMOR LOOKS LIKE COMPLETE SHIT LIKE ITS SOME PLASTIC CRAP and I doubt it's on purpose to point out his character gets no respect even from his own armorors I think it's just that the production values have gotten worse along with the writing quality of the show compared to when it started
and Jaime and Mace nod to each other and exchange "my lord"s and Mace gives a speech to his men in his squeaky Jordon Peterson esque voice "my friends, the hour has come, madness has overtaken this city! and grasped in its claws my children! but now we must drive it back under the rocks whence it cames! madness has had its day!" and Jaime sits on his horse cringing at his shitty speech but bites his tongue as he gets his men to march along and then at the Sept ooooh I'm gonna buuuuuuust they're getting ready for Marg's publicdisgrace.com scene as the High Sparrow gives his speech to the horny citizens "rich or poor, noble or common, if we sin we must atone" blathering on and on with his christfag shit that is hilarous that people actually believe this shit in 2019 but then he hears the crowd gasp as JAIME AND ALL THE TYRELL SOLDIERS MARCH UP TO THE SEPT and Marg gasps in relief she wont have to humiliate herself and out from the soldiers comes a cuckcage carrying Lady Tyrell who fans herself as all her soldiers stand into formation and snap to attention and the High Sparrow nods down "Lord Tyrell... Ser Jaime" who nod to him and Jaime smugly says "sorry to interrupt, we're here for Queen Margaery and Ser Loras Tyrell, give them to us and we'll be on our way" and the High Sparrow memes "I don't have the authority to give them to you and you don't have the authority to take them" and the huge crowd of his most loyal supporters closest to the Sept call out in support for him but the Tyrell soldiers are blocking them off and Jaime sighs that it'll have to be the way the old him would have liked as he gallops his horse up the steps super fast to say to the High Sparrows face "I speak for King Tommen of House Baratheon, First of His Name" as a Tyrell commander yells to his men "LOCK SPEARS!" and they all get ready to siege the Sept that's steps are flanked on either side by Sparrows armed with the clubs they fight with I guess to show they're non-lethal and try to spare you as best they can when fighting sinners and the High Sparrow memes "the gods don't recognize his authority in this manner" and Jaime fires back "you've already insulted one great house, it won't happen twice, every last sparrow will die before Margaery Tyrell walks down that street" and Marg gives Jaime a big smirk loving how badass her family is and the High Sparrow memes back "to die in the service of the gods would please each and every one of us... WE YEARN FOR IT"
and smiles and Jaime looks at his own cousin Lancel who glares back up at him as they decide they're ready to kill each other and the huge crowd stands there in silence waiting to see if a massacre breaks out but the High Sparrow announces "but there is no call for it today! there will be no walk of atonement" and Jaime looks surprised this guy actually backed down and Lady Tyrell looks up suspicious and Marg tries to hide how glad she is but the crowd all gasp and start booing and muttering angrily and Lady Tyrell walks up to Mace and gives him a stern look so he gives his general a hand signal who commands "order up!" to his men who put their spears back up and Jaime sits there with his mind racing trying to figure out his angle, maybe trying to rile the crowd up so they'll be the ones attacking the soldiers and the Lannisters and Tyrells get even worse PR when they kill random citizens than just sparrows, and the High Sparrow claims "Queen Margaery has already atoned for her sins by bringing another into the true light of the Seven" and the doors of the Sept open to reveal...
and Tommen takes his wife's hand as Jaime looks on appalled as the High Sparrow yells to the crowd "together we announce a new age of harmony! a holy alliance! between the Crown and the Faith!" and Lady Tyrell looks shook as the crowd all goes apeshit clapping in support for Tommen and Jaime gives his newphewson a stern nod warning him not to go down this path but Tommen announces "the Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars upon which the world rests, together we will restore the Seven Kingdoms to glory" and the High Sparrow gives a smug look as the crowd all go absolutely bonkers in praise for Tommen and Margaery and dumb as dogshit Mace asks his mother "what's happening?" who snaps back "he's beaten us, that's what's happening!" and Jaime tries to control himself as he stares daggers at the High Sparrow
then in the Iron Throne room Jaime is ripping off his Kingsguard armor in front of his son who has Kingsguard between them, his great-uncle by his side and the room lined by Lannister soldiers in their red samurai get-ups and Tommen admonishes his uncle with his brainwashed bullshit "when you attack the Faith you attack the Crown, anyone who attacks the Crown is unfit to serve as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard" and Jaime reminds him "I've been a member of the Kingsguard since before you were born" and Tommen just sits there not knowing what to say and Jaime pleads "you don't have to do this, you don't have to do anything" and Tommen starts shaking he's so nervous and says "I have to answer to the gods" and Jaime yells "not when you're sitting in that chair!" knowing all the horrible things that chair's occupants have done telling some old man to fuck off can be the least of it but Tommen insists "the Crown's decision on this matter is final" and Jaime taunts ever the cheeky cunt "will I be walking naked in the street? or will I spend a few months in the Sept dungeons first to teach me about the god's mercy?" and Tommen awkwardly looks at his Hand and pronounces "you have served your house and your King faithfully for many years and you will continue to do so... but not in this city" oh my fucking god what a fucking brainlet little zoomer get this storyline over with already
and then we finally see Walder Frey again who's son is telling them they lost something and he grumbles "it's a castle! not a bloody sheep! presumably you still know where it is" and blames them for losing the Twin Towers which I thought was where they were right now to the Blackfish who he says they had right there in that hall so I guess he was Cat's uncle who I guess did a runner somehow? and his son tries to excuse himself but sighs as his dad starts ranting "for 300 years we kissed Tully boots!" and whines on and on insisting they take back Riverrun but they tell him the Mallisters, the Blackwoods and the Brotherhood are all against them and WALDER SLAPS HIS 10 YEAR OLD WIFE'S ASSEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 116
and says "if I want excuses I'll put her in charge! they're laughing at us!" and stands up ranting about all his enemies mockery and then tells them "you'll show them the knife you used to kill Robb Stark's child in his whore mother's belly and you'll show him the knife you used to open his niece's throat and you'll remind him who it was that got married at the Red Wedding in the first place: his nephew" and forces his loli wife to look up and watch as they march in... LORD EDMURE who they've been holding captive for 3 years, although he looks pretty good, just exhausted and long hair and Walder taunts him "cheer up, you're going home!"
then back with Jaime he whines to Cersei "I'm being sent to deal with the Blackfish, apparently Walder Frey can't manage it on his own because he's 400 years old" but Cersei reminds him "better you're elsewhere at the head of an army than in the Sept dungeons" but Jaime insists he's not going "I'm going to give Bronn the biggest bag of gold anyone's ever seen and have him gather the best killers he knows, I'll take them to the Sept and remove the High Sparrow's head and every other sparrow head I can find! HE HAS OUR SON! he stole our son! he tore our family apart! how should we treat someone who tears our family apart?" and Cersei answers "we will treat them without mercy but if you kill the High Sparrow you won't leave the Sept alive and without you this is all for nothing" and implores him to set a good example to their army by taking that castle back but he insists on being there for her trial but Cersei's not worried as she has The Mountain and assures him "they've made us both stronger, all of them, they have no idea how strong we are, no idea what we're going to do to them" and to get him to do what she asks CERSEI GRABS HER BROTHER AND SNOGS HIM ooooooooh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah and she licks his ear and tells him "we've always been together, we'll always be together, we're the only two people in the world" I'd say remember Tommen but yeah he's a fucking idiot
then with Meera she is watching the hooded man cut a rabbits head off and pour its blood into a cup and when he explains "the Three-Eyed Raven sent for me" she tells him he's dead and he murmurs "now he lives again" and as if on cue BRAN WAKES UP and the man teases "when I last saw you, you were a boy, a fearless boy, loved to climb the castle walls and frighten his mother" and when Bran asks "who are you?" the man takes his hood off and takes down his scarf and looks up to reveal a bit of frostbite on his cheeks and Bran recognizes him as UNCLE BENJEN yup actually genuinely called it since it's so weird they kept mentioning this dude but never showing him and he even wears his hair like Ned used to do with it long and the top pulled back and he explains that him and some rangers went North to find White Walkers but they found him and stabbed him with a sword of ice but "The Children found me, stopped the Walkers magic taking hold, the same way they made them in the first place, you saw it yourself" so I guess the 3ER sent him a message in a dream or something and Bran realizes "dragonglass, a shard of dragonglass plunged into your heart" wait so does this dude have like half-zombie superpowers now or some shit? and I don't get it does anyone who die up here turn into a zombie or like they just didn't even give him the dignity of killing them himself and were gonna wait for him to bleed out before the Night King if he's the only one who can raise zombies to raise him or some shit idk and he tells his nephew "you're the Three-Eyed Raven now" but Bran admits "I didn't have time to learn, I can't control anything" and Benjen tells him "you must learn to control it before the Night King comes" and gives him the cup of rabbits blood saying "one way or another he will find his way to the world of men and when he does you will be there ready for him and you will be ready" what is he gonna do warg into all the zombies and turn them on him or something ohhh my overarching mythology that's really vauge and dumb
then speaking of dumb side stories Dany is marching with her huge new army through the desert when she suddenly stops them all and asks Daario "how many days ride to Meereen?" and he says "a week at best" and she asks "how many ships will I need to bring my Khalasar to Westeros?" and he answers "Dothraki and all their horses, the Unsullied, the Second Sons... a thousand ships easily, probably more" and she asks "and who has that many?" and he shrugs "nobody" and psycho Dany says "nobody yet" as if she got the script for last episode and read what Euron is planning and Daario asks what's after this and she instantly says "I take what's mine" and he chides "you weren't made for sitting on a chair in a palace" and she dares "what was I made for?" and he replies "you're a conqueror Daenarys Stormborn" but she stops bantering and looks off into the mountains and orders everyone "wait here" and rides off into the hills and hours later the Dothraki are waiting around chatting amongst themselves when Daario cant take it anymore and announces he's going to find her but they hear a shrieking in the distance... and look over to see a massive shadow casting along the mountains... and look up to see... DROGON FLYING OVERHEAD WITH DANY RIDING HIM AND HE'S NOW THE SIZE OF A FUCKING PRIVATE JET AND HE LANDS IN FRONT OF THE ARMY AND ROARS AT THEM AND THEY ALL BACK THE FUCK UP
and Dany yells down "every khal who ever lived chose three blood riders to fight beside him and guard his way but I am not a khal... I will not choose three blood riders... I CHOOSE YOU ALL!"like this is Pokemon and all the Dothraki all go apeshit at how fucking apeshit cheering on their badass Queen as she tells them "I will ask more of you than any khal has ever asked of his khalasaar! will you ride the wooden horses across the black salt sea? will you kill my enemies in their iron suits and tear down their stone houses? will you give me the Seven Kingdoms, the gift Khal Drogo promised me, before the Mother of Mountains? are you with me? now and always?" and the Dothraki all scream in support and raise their weapons and thump their chests as this is the most metal thing they've ever seen or heard and Drogon gets all riled up too at all the yelling and roars a terrifying screech into the crowd as he bares his wings!ok hela epic and everything now get the fuck over to Westeros already jesus christ
Game of Thrones 6x07: "The Broken Man" muslims killing christians special edition
First aired: June 5, 2016
this episode for some reason skips straight past the opening intro into a scene of people making nails and construction workers working on some scaffolding and nice relaxing music plays as the men are making some sort of tower and there are women there preparing meals for the workers as everyone chats happily so if I know my GoT some fucking nasty shit is about to go down and a man who has the septagram symbol on a necklace around his neck is directing everyone to build maybe this new sept and helping his workers out and keeping them motivating and looks up proud that their work is coming to fruition at the top of this hill and we see more men carrying over logs to add to the building
and there's one dude carrying one all by himself and the camera pans up his back and he turns around to reveal THE HOUND HAS CONVERTED TO THE 7 GODS! yeah saw that coming and then we get the opening animation thing that maybe I should pay attention to since I keep forgetting where Riverrun and these places are but I won't then we open on The Hound hacking through a tree trunk with an axe like no-ones business other than uh his I guess and the leader guy comes up and says "you know in all my days I've never seen a man swing an axe like that" ok calling it now the meme is Cersei has The Mountain fight for her at her trial but the Faith will find this guy as their best fighter to put up against him and we finally get our rematch of the Clegane brothers and this leader guy keeps prodding at a place he shouldn't saying "how many men did it take to bring you down?" I guess figuring he's turned to a peaceful life from losing a battle and getting that scar on his face and The Hound looks like he wishes he'd drop it but says "just one" and the man laughs "must have been some kind of monster!" referring to either The Mountain or Brie lmao and The Hound admits begrudgingly "he was a woman" and the leader gives a big laugh thinking he's joking but The Hound goes apeshit hacking away at this log then a dinner bell is rung and all the workers go to the women to get some soup and everyone's kids are there too to eat with their parents and the leader guy comes to offer the Hound a drink as he sits eating by himself and lets him know "I think some of the men are a bit afraid of you" and The Hound grumbles "I'm used to it" and the leader tells him "when I found you I thought you'd been dead for days, the way you were stinking already and you had bugs all over you and bone was coming through you right there" and playfully pokes his leg much to The Hound's annoyance and he tells him "I was gonna give you a proper burial and then you coughed, oh! nearly shit myself! I reckoned you were gonna die by the time I loaded you on the wagon but you didn't, now I reckoned you'd die a dozen more times over the next few days but you didn't, what kept you going?" and The Hound looks up and thinks about it and admits "hate" and the leader refuses "no, there's a reason you're still here" and The Hound grumbles "aye there's a reason, I'm a big fucker and I'm tough to kill" lmao but the leader guy insists "no a reason, Gods aren't done with you yet" and The Hound smirks and says "heard that before, man was talking about a different God though" and the leader admits "well maybe he was right I don't know much about the gods" and The Hound teases "well you're in the wrong line of work" as this man seems to be a priest building a place of worship and the priest says "oh there's plenty of pious sons of bitches who think they know the word of God or Gods, I don't, I don't even know their real names! maybe it is the Seven or maybe it's the Old Gods or maybe it's the Lord of Light or maybe they're all the same fucking thing I don't know! what matters I believe is that there's something greater than us and whatever it is it's got plans for Sandor Clegane" and The Hound looks up serious and tells him "you didn't know me back in my time... you don't know the things I've done" and the priest says "I've heard stories..." and The Hound asks him "if the Gods are real... why haven't they punished me?" and the priest tells him "they have" looking at his fucked up face and walking off leaving him sitting in thought, I recognize the actor for the priest but I can't quite place him, he's been in shit loads of things I've seen though and he's a really good actor
then with Marg she's reading the not!bible in the High Sparrows chambers and puts on a fake smile when he comes in asking what she's reading and they talk about their gay ass religions take on The Mother's love calming a man's brute nature, sounds like some toxic masculinity to me fam and I note she's been allowed her queens crown back and the Red Sparrow points out "there are some who know every verse of the sacred text... but don't have a drop of the Mother's mercy in their blood, and savages who can't read at all who understand the Father's wisdom" and Marg confesses about how she used to used to pretend to care for the poor and the Red Sparrow say the poor disgust the wealthy like them because they are them just without their illusions "they show us what we'd look like without our fine clothes and smell like without our perfumes" which is actually a good point and things people hate the most are usually things they secretly hate about themselves, e.g. if you go on about how stupid everyone else is you're probably insecure about your own inteligence and so on, and then he asks her why she hasn't been fucking Tommen lmao assuring her that it's her duty to him and the country to reproduce, but Marg explains "the desires that once drove me will no longer do" implying that maybe she really did convert if she's even celibate and the High Sparrow says some real ye old r/redpill shit "congress does not requrie desire on the woman's part, only patience" and he takes her hand and assures her she's still making great progress... but then floats that her grandmother should convert too as she's an unrepentant sinner and asks for her to convert her as he "fears for her safety, body and soul" in a very nicely hidden threat
then we see Septa Unella staring down at Lady Tyrell and Marg and her grandmother taunts "does it move or talk?" lmao but Marg insists "Septa Unella has been my true friend and councelor" and granny stands up yelling "oh this is madness!" and takes Marg by the hand outside but Unella follows them like a terminator and granny snaps at her "you're not in your sanctuary now my dear, all I need to do is whistle and my men will stroll in here and bash you about until I tell them to stop!" and Marg snaps at her "grandmother!" but she keeps going "IF I tell them to stop! you could use a good bashing!" and then asks her granddaughter "what have they done to you?" and Marg tries to tell her the Gods showed her mercy for marching against them but she asks "what about your brother? what mercy did they show him?" but Marg says he has to confess and repent by giving up his titles and become a priest or whatever with appals Lady Tyrell who says "he is the heir to Highgarden, the future of House Tyrell!" but Marg assures "he can begin again" and granny admonishes "as a mindless fanatic" but Marg sees it as "as a free man" and granny insists she has to come home but Marg insists on staying with her King and kneels down beside her and tells her to go home but Lady Tyrell assures her "I will never leave you" with true love but Marg... grips her hand under the table so Unella can't see and begs her "you must... go home" as she's scared for her safety in KL and granny sees how serious she is as Marg says some bullshit about her praying so Lady Tyrell puts her hands on her shoulder and assures her "I'll see you soon my dear" and hiding her face from Unella Marg hugs her grandmother and allows herself a little grimace at how much she loves her family and is having to do this to save her brother so I guess she really is just BSing and when granny leaves she asks Unella "shall we pray?" who just stares emotionlessly at her and when Lady Tyrell leaves the room she looks around to make sure she's alone and then reveals... Marg gave her a drawing of a rose to show she's still loyal to her family first and Lady Tyrell looks up proud of her granddaughter
then in a frosty area only just on the South of The Wall Jon is meeting with some Wildlings and they tell him "we said we'd fight with you King Crow when the time comes and we meant it but this isn't what we agreed to, these aren't White Walkers, this isn't an army of the dead... this isn't our fight" and his men agree but Tormund insists on them "if it weren't for him all of you would be meat in the Night King's army" but another dude reminds them how big they were at Mance's camp and now there's not many left of them and if they die in some dumb Southern war there'll be no free folk left and Wun Wun murmurs in agreement as he already lost two of his people recently at the siege for The Wall but Jon tells them "that's what'll happen to you if we lose, the Boltons, the Umbers, the Karstarks, they know you're here and they know that more than half of you are women and children" and they all look shook as they're so down on their numbers after the White Walkers flooded Hardhome and Tormund tells them "the crows killed him because he spoke for the free folk when no other Southerners would, he died for us! if we are not willing to do the same for him we're cowards, and if that's what we are we deserve to be the last of the free folk" and no one points out how no one has explained how and Wun Wun stands up, towering 10 feet over everyone and simply says "Snow" to show his support and struts off and Tormund looks at the other leader like wellllllllll so the leader walks over to Jon... and offers his hand to shake, and Davos looks on impressed he didn't even have to say anything, and Jon asks "you sure they'll come?" and Tormund chuckles and thinks of a nice way to put this "we're not clever like you Southerners, when we say we'll do something we do it" and gives him a cheeky smile as Jon sighs in relief
then in KL Cersei is going to see Lady Tyrell with Gregor thumping along behind her to talk to her about her leaving KL trying to guilt her into staying but Lady Tyrell snaps "Loras rots in a cell because of you, the High Sparrow rules this city because of you, our two ancient houses face collapse because of you and your stupidity!" and Cersei has heard this all before... from her own mind and admits "you're right, I made a terrible mistake, I carry it with me every day" and granny instantly says "good!" lmao but Cersei insists they need to fight together and Lady Tyrell sighs and ponders "I wonder if you're the worst person I've ever met, at a certain age it's hard to recall, but the truly vile do stand out through the years, do you remember the way you smirked at me when my grandson and granddaughter were dragged off to their cells? I do, I'll never forget it" probably why you should not be such an open cunt and Cersei tries to win her over with "you love your grandchildren, I love my son, it's the only truth I know, we must defend them" but Lady Tyrell says she's peaceing the fuck out and recommends the same but Cersei says "never, I'll never leave my son" and Lady Tyrell points out, not even maliciously or tauntingly, just that she'll always call it like it is: "and do what? you don't have any support, not anymore, your brother's gone, the High Sparrow saw to that, the rest of your family have abandoned you, the people despise you, you're surrounded by enemies, thousands of them, you're going to kill them all? by yourself? you've lost Cersei, it's the only joy I can find in all this misery" and gets back to writing a letter leaving Cersei standing there fuming
then in I think... Riverrun? we see some scouts for the Lannister army rejoining their huge army marching up a hill lead by Jaime with a fancy af dressed Bronn by his side who sees what looks like a bunch of tents set up right around the castles walls as he criticizes "now that is a sorry attempt at a siege, someone needs to teach those sad twats how to dig trenches" and Jaime teases "someone definitely does" and looks at him and Bronn initially refuses to be teaching anyone anything but Jaime tells him he's got the best instincts in his army and Bronn quips "that's like saying I have a bigger cock than anyone in the Unsullied army" lmaooooo and Jaime assures him that soon he'll own the entire Lannister army and he can be his right hand that he lost (kek) and when Bronn brings up him not making due on his last bribe Jaime goes to say the "a Lannister always-" meme but Bronn just says "don't say it! don't fucking say it!" and rides off giving in and then they walk through the muddy af camp where all these sad af Frey soldiers are milling about looking fed up and one of them is idiotically yelling at the front gate "come out and fight us Blackfish! we have Lord Edmure! yield the castle or we'll hang him!" as they have poor Ed strung up behind him and when they get no reply the men all laugh as they get to see the guy swing and up on the castle walls the last Tully marches to look over and he looks like an older version of Dave Bautista or something and the man yells up at him "this is your last warning! yield the castle!" and Tully just squints down at him like some Clint Eastwood shit not reacting and the man nervously looks over at the hangman not knowing what to do and I guess this is Walder Frey's sons and one takes the noose off Edmure and takes out his knife and yells up "you think I won't do it old man?" and puts the blade to Eds throat and taunts "I sliced your niece's throat from ear to ear! and where were you? running and hiding like a fucking coward! yield the castle... or I cut his throat" and Edmure looks up at his... father? uncle? and he looks down at helpless Edmure... and gives him a nod... and Edmure steels himself and gives him a nod back ready to die... and THE BLACKFISH GROWLS "GO ON THEN, CUT HIS THROAT" AND WALKS OFF
and the Frey son looks up at his brother and just raises an eyebrow not knowing what to do and his brother frustratingly takes the knife away and storms off as Bronn and Jaime look at each other like these two guys are total clowns so they march up to them as some men drag poor Edmund away and they ask "Lothar is it?" and they drop spaghetti and say "Ser Jaime?! we didn't know you were coming!" and Jaime immediately gets to work educating him "cause you didn't set a proper permieter, you just allowed 8000 men to approach unchallenged" and Bronn helpfully adds "good thing we're friends or we'd be fookin you in the ass right now" right thanks and Jaime orders "have Lord Edmure bathed and fed" much to the other brother, who's also called Walder,'s annoyance, and he insists they're his prisoner and Jaime looks at the knife in his hand and tells him "only a fool makes threats he's not prepared to carry out... now let's say I threatened to hit you unless you shut your mouth but you kept talking what do you think I'd do?" and Walder says "I don't give a rat's-" JAIME SLAPS WALDER ACROSS THE JAW SO HARD HE FALLS INTO HIS BROTHERS ARMS LMAOOOOOO
and tells him "I'm here by the King's command to take back this castle, have him bathed and fed unless you'd like to take his place" and the other brother who's name I already forgot is the smart one and realizes it's best to do what he says and Jaime says "the siege is now under my command, next time the Blackfish looks out from those ramparts he'll see an army at his gates not... whatever this is" and Bronn orders trenches dug and trebuchets built and when Walder gets uppity Jaime tells him he can go back home if he doesn't like it and Jaime tells Bronn to arrange a parley and Bronn asks "a parley or a fight?" and Jaime frowns "he's an old man" but Bronn points out "you've got one hand, my money's on the old boy" and Jaime just sighs rofl
then in uhhhhhhhhh some new Lord's mansion that's in a really lovely frosty valley, let me just take the time to say I really appreciate it when they show really unique looking and exotic establishing shots of all these fantasy cities it makes the world seem really lively and varied since without it it'd just be a bunch of people having conversations in poorly lit sets lmao
Jon, Sansa and Davos come to see Lady Mormont who is literally a like 11 year old girl who I guess is the head of Jorah and the old Lord Commander's house and she says coldly "welcome to Bear Island" and Jon stands there awkward not knowing how to talk to a little girl who's glaring at him with a lot of authority so he looks at Sansa to talk girl to girl who tries to charm her by saying she was named after her Aunt Lyanna and smiles telling her that she'll be a great beauty too but Lady Mormont declares "I doubt it, my mother wasn't a great beauty or any other kind of beauty, she was a great warrior though! she died fighting or your brother Robb" and Sansa glances back at Jon indicating that this little girl is already a real fucking nigga and isn't interested in being treated like a little girl and would rather speak to a soldier and Jon tells her "I served under your uncle at Castle Black, Lady Lyanna" which I guess makes her Jorah's cousin "he was also a great warrior and an honerable man, I was his steward in fact and-" but Lady Lyanna cuts him off "I think we've had enough small talk, why are you here?" oh yeah I recall the pedos on /tv/ waifuing this girl lmao so far she rules and Jon talks about her letter to Stannis trying to recruit her and she cuts him off again "I know what it said, Bear Island knows no king but the King o the North who's name is Stark" and Jon assures her "Robb is gone but House Stark is not" and asks for her allegiance and she looks over to Sansa and then leans in with her advisor, a man 60 years her senior, to whisper with him and then says "as far as I understand, you're a Snow and Lady Sansa is a Bolton, or is she a Lannister? I've heard conflicting reports" oooooooh snap and Sansa tries to explain to her "I did what I had to do to survive, my lady, but I am a Stark, I will always be a Stark" hoping a fellow royal girl will understand how it goes but she just says condescendingly "if you say so, in any case you don't just want my allegiance, you want my fighting men" dude this loli rocks and Jon tries to reason they need to stop Ramsay for the sake of his little brother Rickon, the last true Stark left and hoping she'll have compassion for a young kid her own age, but she's not budging, and when he tries to beg she snaps "I understand that I'm responsible for Bear Island and all who live here, why should I sacrifice one more Mormont life for someone else's war?" oh she woooooook yaaaas queeeeeeeeen and Davos steps forward, with it now his time to shine as he's used to talking to strong willed young girls, "if it pleases m'lady, I understand how you feel" and introduces himself to the sceptical young girl who goes to ask her Maester but he explains his house is quite new since I think he only set it up 14 years ago when he became known as the Onion Knight and she dares him to say how he understands so he says "you never thought you'd find yourself in this position, being responsible for so many lives at such a young age, I never thought I'd be in my position, I was a crabber's son, then I was a smuggler and now I find myself addressing the lady of a great house in time of war, but I'm here because this isn't someone else's war... it's our war" and she says "go on Ser Davos" nodding that maybe this guy is trustworthy and he reminds her her uncle made Jon his steward and successor knowing Jon would give his life for the right cause because he knew "the real war isn't between squabbling houses... it's between the living and the dead, and make no mistake my Lady, the dead are coming" so uhhh come fight this squabbling house with us but I'm sensing a theme here that the White Walkers literally represent climate change and maybe GRRM was surprisingly woke on this all the way back in 1991 since it's an external threat humanity needs to unify against but unlike aliens or some dumb shit it's "man-made", well sort of, elf-made, but I guess that could play into the idea of it being mother nature's response to humanity encroaching on her since the Children of the Forrest clearly represent nature, and instead of retard countries fighting with each other they should be working together to deal with global warming that could displace and kill shit loads of people, and the Night King is so emotionless since him and his army are pretty much a force of nature clearly heavily associate with climate change, and the association with dragonglass creating and destroying them is maybe representing human technology creating and coping with climate change, since making weapons out of obsidian is a sort of primitive technology, inb4 it's not that at all and GRRM just liked zombie movies lmao anyway this loli asks Jon "is this true?" and Jon confirms her uncle and him both fought them... and both lost... and Davos explained the Bolton's keep the North divided and they wont stand a chance against the Night King and fighting together is their only chance and the Maester leans in to give her counsel... but she waves him off and tells them "House Mormont has kept faith with House Stark for a thousand years... we will not break faith today" and Jon steps forward amazed it's working and asks "how many fighting men can we expect?" and her military leader leans over to tell her and the little girl tells him "SIXTY TWO" AHAHAHAHAHA OH NO NO NONONONO and Jon looks around super awkward as she insists "we're not a large house but we're proud one, and every man from Bear Island fights with the strength of 10 mainlanders!" and Davos just decides fuck it duuuude since they need as much political momentum as they can get and says "if they're half as ferocious as their lady, the Boltons are doomed" and they give each other a nod of respect, top jej, that was a good gag since the little girl does such a good job of radiating authority you assume she's got a lot of force behind her but then it's no she really is still a naive child in some regards
then at the siege Jaime is riding through his own army's far superior camp to the front gate and marches up by himself along the bridge to the raised drawbridge and looks up as a firing squad of crossbowmen pin him down... but the drawbridge starts lowering and he looks in to see... The Blackfish stomp right up to him and they trade nicknames "Kingslayer" "Blackfish" and he starts growling "I assume you're here to fulfil the vow you gave my niece, I don't see Sansa and Arya" and when Jaime admits "I don't have them" The Blackfish response "pity, do you wish to resume your captivity?" showing that he has a long ass memory for promises and Jaime just shakes his head like he finds all this swearing oaths shit silly and cuts to the chase telling him this is House Frey's castle but Blackfish says he's not giving in as "my nephew's marked for death no matter what, hang him and be done with it" but Jamie warns "hundreds more will die" and Blackfish threatens "hundreds of mine, thousands of yours" and Jaime promises to "kill every last one of you, but if you surrender, I'll spare the lives of your men, on my honor" and Blackfish taunts "your honor? bargaining with oathbreakers is like building on quicksand" and Jaime tries to tell him his men will die for a loss cause but Blackfish insists the war is not over and "I was born in this castle and I'm ready to die in it, so you can either attack or try to starve us out, we have enough provisions for two years" wait do they really how much fucking food can you fit in one castle and he taunts "do you have two years, Kingslayer?" having presumably heard of all the drama back in King's Landing and Jaime realizes he's right and he needs this victory for the political leverage back home and tries turning his men on him by yelling loudly at him "you clearly have no intention of saving your men's lives! why did you come treat with me?" and Blackfish memes "sieges are dull and I wanted to see you in person, get the measure of you, I'm disappointed" and casually walks back inside as Jaime stands there fuming as they raise the drawbridge on him one inch for his feet
then we see Jon talking to Lord Clover who's refusing him because "we only just got this castle back from the Ironborn and the Boltons helped us do it" and he's scared to be skinned and asks "have other northern houses pledged to fight for you?" cocking an eyebrow knowing they probably haven't and Jon says "House Mormont" and Clover asks "and?" and Jon flounders around and looks awkwardly at Davos and admits "the bulk of the force is made up of wildlings" and he grumbles "so the rumors are true, I didn't dare believe them, I received you out of respect for your father, now I would like you to leave, House Glover will not abandon its ancestral home to fight alongside wildlings!" and Sansa gives Jon a concerned look who tries to stop him but Glover marches off so Sansa calls "I will remind you that House Glover is pledged to House Stark sworn to answer when called upon" sternly ooh I kinda like yass queen Sansa and Glover storms back up and says they wept when they heard of their family's death and his brother fought for Robb but he was nowhere to be seen when the Ironborn took his castle, put his wife and children in prison and brutalized and killed their subjects right into her face and he growls "taking up with a foreign whore, getting himself and those who followed him killed" and Sansa glares at him like she's going to slap him for insulting her brother but he says "I served House Stark once, but House Stark is dead" and goes back inside his castle leaving them dejected, ok uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wouldn't Ramsay hear by now that Jon Snow is literally traveling around the entire North trying to gather forces? wouldn't he do something like, you know, try and fucking kill him or at least threaten the other Lords into not joining him?
then we pan over some boats to see they have the Ironborn kraken sigil and over to the Long Bridge of wherever that shithole is, let me look it up, Volantis, that's also funding against Dany that I guess Yara and Theon are at and their soldiers are enjoying some topless whores as Theon sits there super awkward not knowing what to do with himself as he'd used to love this place but can't even get a boner anymore probably trying not to remember that shit Ramsay put in his head about having a phantom cock if he does get aroused and he gets even more uncomfortable as YARA STARTS MAKING OUT WITH A TOPLESS WORKING GIRL RIGHT NEXT TO HER BROTHERfinally some lesbo action in this degenerate show and Theon whines "why did we have to come here" and Yara stops making out long enough to tease "because some of us still like it!" and he gets angry looking around for an excuse to leave and Yara offers him "have a drink at least" but he shakes his head "I don't want one" and Yara can tell there must be really something wrong with him if he won't get drunk while this miserable and she sighs realizing she has to be a big sister and YARA KISSES THE GIRL AND SUCKS ON HER NIPPLE and tells her "go on love, I'll find you in a bit!" and the girl gets a huge big grin glad that she only has to deal with a woman for once as she prances off and YARA PINCHES HER BUM AND SLAPS ITbased & lezpilled and she tells Theon "nothing on the Iron Islands has an ass like that!" and he looks over sad realizing she was just like he used to be and they could have probably had some great nights out together if they'd just known each other as adults outside of less fucked up circumstances and she asks "doesn't interest you anymore?" and Theon tries to not cry and Yara gets serious and says "I'm sorry, I won't joke about it, I'll never hurt you, little brother, don't you know that?" and pours another drink and Theon changes the topic to "you think Uncle Euron's hunting for us?" and Yara is sure "of course he is, as long as we're alive we're a threat" and Theon worries "he'll find us" but Yara assures him "it's a great big world and we have fast ships" and then demands that Theon drink and he takes a lil sip and he insists all of it so he forces it down and she reminds him "you're Ironborn, I know you've had some bad years-" and he cuts in "some bad years?!" and Yara tells him "but I'm tired of watching you cower like a beat dog! drink the goddamn ale!" and Theon forces himself to down alcohol scared of what emotions will come out and she tells him "now listen to me, I need you, the real Theon Greyjoy, not this rat shit pretender, can you find him for me?" and Theon has no idea how to be his old self so she insists "drink!" and he forces more down and she tells him "you escaped, you hear me? you got away and you're never going back, we'll get justice for you!" and it all starts coming out as Theon whines "if I got justice my burnt body would hang over the gates of Winterfell" and Yara sighs and says "fuck justice then! we'll get revenge, drink!" and he downs more as she gives him her form of fucked up sisterly love "if you're so broken there's no coming back take a knife and cut your wrists, end it... but if you're staying, Theon, I need you, we're gonna sail to Meereen, we're gonna make a pact with this Dragon Queen, and we're gonna take back the Iron Islands, are you with me? are you really with me?!" and looks terrified at her brother thinking he really will just go neck himself but Theon realizes he's already faced worse than death and looks her straight in the eye and nods and she gets a big smile and kisses him on the forehead and announces "now since it's my last night ashore for a long while I'm gonna go fuck the tits off this one!" and goes off with her chosen working girl and Theon sits there nodding to himself, actually you know what needs to happen here? YARA NEEDS TO TEACH THEON HOW TO FUCK A GIRL WHEN YOU HAVE NO COCK! ISSUE SOLVED
then with Jon Davos is telling him this is where Stannis camped last and Sansa is like "that's a good thing?" and he explains "he was the most experienced commander in Westeros, those mountains are a natural fortification, there's a stream down there for the horses" but Jon says they need to get out of there before a storm hits and Davos says that's what fucked over Stannis but Jon's making the same mistake demanding "we have to march on Winterfell now while we still can" and Davos sighs "2000 Wildlings, 200 Hornwoods, 143 Mazins..." and Sansa adds "62 Mormonts" and Davos says they could do it "if we're careful and smart" but then he spots a Wildling picking a fight with someone and marches off saying "oh for fuck sake" to deal with it and Sansa cringes and says "so he's your most trusted advsior now? because he secured 62 men from a 10 year old?" but Jon insists he served Stannis well and Sansa points out "Stannis who lost at Blackwater, who murdered his own brother, who doesn't have a head?" lmao btfoooo and she insists "it's not enough! we need more men!" and Jon gets emotional and starts insisting they're doing it and she stares at him learning from CIA to always analyze someone's emotions but Jon has to go try to break up a fight starting around Davos leaving Sansa sitting there worried but then she looks over and sees a Maester taking some crow cages around so she gets to work writing a letter and signing it with her wolf-head seal uh I think you're meant to seal it with that you dumb thot
then back with the most interesting character the priest is telling his flock "I was a soldier once, all my superiors thought I was brave, I wasn't, I mean I never ran from a fight, only because I was afraid my friends would see I was afraid, that's all I was, a coward, we followed orders no matter the orders, burn that village? fine, I'm your arsonist, steal that farmer's crops? good, I'm your thief, kill those young lads so they won't take up arms against us? ...I'm your murderer" and looks down at a young boy as some adults murmur and The Hound looks on understanding what he's saying as he goes on "I remember once a woman screaming at us, calling us animals as we dragged her son from their hut, but we weren't animals, animals are true to their nature and we had betrayed ours... I cut that young boy's throat myself as his mother screamed and my friends held her back" as an extra next to The Hound does a good reaction of biting his nails nervously as he listens and the priest sits down beside another man and says "that night I felt such shame, shame was so heavy on me I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, all I could do was stare into that dark sky and listen to that mother screaming her son's name... I'll hear her screaming the rest of my life" and starts to cry but forces himself to stand up and say "I can't bring that lad back all I can do with time I've got let is bring a little goodness into the world that's all any of us can do innit? never too late to stop robbing people, to stop killing people and start helping people, it's never too late to come back" as he looks up at The Hound who looks at him like... maybe if he can do it he can... but as if the Gods actually fucking hate him... some horses come racing towards them from the hills and The Hound instantly clocks them as bad news and the priest instantly sees that look but keeps talking "and it's not about waiting for the gods to answer your prayers, it's not even about the gods, it's about you, learning you have to answer your prayers yourself" with is some good wisdom for life
and he leaves maybe his final teaching to his flock as he approaches the horsemen and blesses them "Seven save you friends, how can we help you?" and the three mean looking men ask "what are you doing here?" and the priest says "well we're talking about life... you?" and the three men claim "protecting the people" and The Hound tenses up as the priest says "well we thank you for your protection, who are you protecting us from?" and the man just smiles and asks "do you have any horses?" and the priest says "no horses, no gold, no steel" and The Hound starts inching forward as the leader grins "food then? protecting the people is hungry work" and the priest nods "I'm sure it is, you're welcome to stay for supper but we have hungry mouths here" and the man just stares at the priest deciding what to do with him and tells him "stay safe... the night is dark and full of terrors" are we finally going to get some religious conflict in this fucking medieval show that's been going for 6 fucking years? and the priest recognizes the phrase and just nods scared as he realizes why the men are really there and he looks over at The Hound and later we see The Hound furiously chopping wood as fast as he can to deal with his anxiety and the priest comes to him and The Hound quotes "Seven save you friends?" and the priest whines "I'm a fucking septon what was I supposed to say?" and The Hound tells him "they don't believe in your Seven they're from the Brotherhood, they follow the Red God" remembering his last horrible experience with them and he says "aye well all are welcome here, anyway we got nothing for them here" and The Hound already knows "yes you do, you've got food, you've got steel even if you say you don't... and you've got women" and he asks "what do you want to do? fight them? kill them" and The Hound shrugs his shoulders as it's all he knows and the septon tries to tell him "it'd be you against all of them, I mean these people don't know how to fight" and The Hound points at him reminding him "you do" and the septon grumbles "I'm done with fighting" and The Hound asks "even if it's to protect yourself?" and the septon insists "violence is a disease, you don't cure a disease by spreading it to more people" and The Hound gives a condescending smile like the man's just fooling himself and tells him "you don't cure it by dying either" and angrily smashes some wood apart and the septon tries to get him to come eat but The Hound insists on keeping chopping until the septon tempts him with ale, hoping there's some dank memes where The Hound trains all these people in guerrilla warfare like some Seven Samurai shit
then in Braavos Arya overhears a man saying "he's not a lying man, he says the Iron Fleet's in Slaver's Bay I'm inclined to believe him, heh, I'm not going anywhere near those mad fuckers!" and Arya tells him "you're Westerosi" and he asks "what do you care?" and she says "I want to book passage home?" and when he claims "can't afford it" Arya tosses him a purse and he immediately asks "where'd you steal this from" maybe she just got it out of the bottom of the sea when she tossed it down at the start of season 5 and she just asks "why do you care?" and the man laughs knowing she's right and no one will ever know and he says "we leave in two days, you can have a hammock in steerage" and she tosses him a bigger purse saying "I want a cabin, and we leave in dawn, see you at sun rise" and takes the smaller purse back as she leaves the bewildered man, and then she goes on a bridge and looks out at the huge statue as she says goodbye to the city and then an old lady comes up to Arya and says "sweet girl" but THE OLD LADY SLASHES A KNIFE ACROSS ARYAS CHEST, GRABS HER FROM BEHIND AND STABBING HER IN THE GUT
AND HEADBUTTS THE CUNT AND THROWS HERSELF OFF THE BRIDGE INTO THE WATER and the cunty girl watches as nothing but blood floats to the surface so she just assumes she's dead and fixes her dress proud of herself and walks off (this is a trope that happens constantly in Punisher comics for some reason, someone escapes by falling into a body of water, and it barely makes sense when it's like a fast flowing river but this is a still canal like I am pretty sure you can't swim fast enough underwater for someone not to notice where you're going in still water lmao) and Arya surfaces gasping for air at some steps and looks around terrified and remembers she got stabbed twice and rolls onto shore and clutches at her blooding stomach and starts wandering through down bleeding out and everyone is staring at her like wtf this girl dying and she looks around at all these faces staring at her worrying that any of them could be a Faceless Man so just keeps making her way through the crowd uhhhh ok pretty sure you'd be fucked before good internal surgery was invented
then with The Hound he is hacking away at some bushes and taking a big drink of the ale he's been given when suddenly he hears some horses going bananas in the distance and he rushes back to the camp to find ALL THE FOLLOWERS HAVE BEEN MASSACRED BY THE BROTHERHOOD! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 117
and he walks through these corpses with arrows and axes imbedded in them with even a little kiddy with his throat slit and his dead father still has his arm around him and he sees... THEY LYNCHED THE SEPTON FROM THE FRAME OF HIS OWN HALF-BUILT HOUSE OF WORSHIP! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 118 now there's that edge I was expecting and his fucking eyes are still open staring down at The Hound who lets out a heavy sigh like he was a fool for thinking he could ever leave the real nigga life and simply walks over and grabs the nearest wood axe oh it's on now boiiiiii
Game of Thrones 6x08: "No One" face/off special edition
First aired: June 12, 2016
then after the usual opening credits we see that play in Braavos again where the actress Arya was meant to kill is giving her very emotionally powerful speech as Cersei with dead Joffrey in her arms as the crowd of young women tear up and even a man is getting upset but she looks up and taking Arya's advice adds more anger to it and starts ranting about how she'll have vengeance against Sansa and her Imp brother and the crowd all clap at her powerful performance cheering for her and the actor for Joffrey helps her up off her knees as she gives a bow to the amazed crowd and then she goes back behind the scenes as the dwarf starts giving Tyrion's next scene as the crowd all playfully boo the villain and uh oh I'm guessing the cunty girl is going to ice this poor woman as she walks to her dressing room and like some HITMAN™ shit she wipes her tears away, sits down proud of herself for her performance and pours herself a drink but then she hears something banging behind some costumes and goes over to check it scared that it might be that young actress trying to get her or some shit but finds... Arya bleeding to death, then later that night the actress has stitched her up and is putting a bandage on her and tells her she learned it from her string of bad boy lovers coming home stinking of whore's perfume "so we'd fight and I'd put a hole in them and then I'd feel terrible so I'd patch them up" wew lass that's called domestic violence you can't do that in 201-oh wait yeah never mind and Arya seems to like a woman who's not afraid to use violence and she asks what happened to the Bianca the girl who put the hit on her and the actress says "she'll have a hard time finding work as an actress after what I did to her face"EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 119 and she offers Arya some soup and she cringes when she tastes it and the woman admits "never learned how to cook" and tells her to come with the company to Pentos (which I just realized is where we first see Dany and her brother and that "friend" Varys was talking about was the guy who was talking to him and Arya spied on them meeting under the Red Keep and is where he took Tyrion, wonder if we'll ever see that dude again) but Arya tries to make excuses but then explains "you wouldn't be safe, not as long as she's looking for me" and when she asks "who?" she says like a little girl who doesn't know how to explain something to an adult "she doesn't have a name" like she's ashamed to have fallen in with such a fucked up cult and she asks "where will you go?" and Arya says "Essos is East, Westeros is West, but what's West of Westeros?" is Arya going to go be this worlds version of Christopher Colombus and go enslave all the Native Americanoss? and the woman teases "the edge of the world maybe?" we flat earthers now bois and the actress goes to give Arya some milk of the poppy when she cringes in pain assuring her "if my soup didn't kill you nothing will" inb4 Arya becomes a heroin addict whore or some edgy shit, no wait that would involve Arya having any consequences and we just saw she has plot armor so thick she can take a stab to the gut and be fine lmao and the woman tucks her into bed and caresses her hand, inb4 she's actually Jaqen in disguise
then back in Westeros we see... the Brotherhood group that massacred the Seven followers, and they're joking amongst themselves around a fire about how an ugly bald guy used to be a master kisser as they wind up two naive younger men by bringing one of them to his feet and explaining "you put your hand on the back of the lady's head like so, your right hand holds the small of the lady's back like so" as he touches up the other man who looks at his friend a bit weirder out but asks "yeah?" and the bald man says "you take your middle finger... AND YOU JAM IT RIGHT UP HER BUNGHOLE!" AS HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTS THE YOUNGER MANEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 120 and he leaps away as the bald mans friend bursts out laughing saying "so close!" that he almost fingered him and the bald man sniffs his finger and declares "ah it smells like pussy to me!" and his friend taunts "look at him! you get hard boy?" and the young man screams "fuck you! disgusting old twats! get off on that did you, you old fuck?"
and the two older men suddenly freeze up as they see something behind him... and they back the fuck up real fast, and the younger mans friend turns and looks terrified as the young man looks confused wondering if he's suddenly become really intimidating or something and turns around to see THE HOUND DECAPITATING HIM WITH AN AXE
IN THE SPACE OF TEN SECONDS FLAT and he tears it away making blood splatter down from his ballsack and the man falls to his knees squealing in pain and The Hound puts his hand on his head and growls "where's the other one, the one with the yellow cloak?" and the bald man screams "FUCK YOU!" at him and The Hound taunts "those are your last words, fuck you? come on you can do better" and the terrified man sits there thinking so just goes with calling him a "CUNT!"
then in uhhh Meereen we see The Unsullied marching on patrol through the now bustling city centre where people are feeling safe enough to return to and we see some people listening to a speech from a new black Fire Priestess about how Dany is their religion's Chosen One™ which would make a lot of sense from her insane plot armor and Tyrion looks up smugly at Varys and says "I'd call that a successful gambit, look around, the city has come back to life" but Varys chides "you made a pact with fanatics" and Tyrion admits "I did, it worked" and Varys tells him "if you shaved your beard with a straight razor you'd say the razor worked but that doesn't mean it won't cut your throat" and Tyrion teases "spoken like a man who's never had to shave" implying Varys at least has that condition like that comedian Matt Lucas that means you can't grow bodyhair that I assume is unrelated to his castration since uhhhh little boys have hair on their head and eyebrows but knowing how dumb this show is getting who knows and Tyrion sees some new boats in their harbor and says "I'm going to miss you" and Varys warmly says "I know" and Tyrion says "I hope you're right about this expedition of yours" and Varys tells him "if I don't return you'll know I was wrong" and sees how worried Tyrion is and explains "we need friends in Westeros and we need ships" and assures him Dany has to come back and gives him a pat on the back and jokes "I'll walk the rest of my way myself, I can't go off on a secret mission in the company of the most famous dwarf in the city" and Tyrion smiles knowing he'll miss his jokes so calls after him "Varys! the most famous dwarf in the world!" and Varys gives him a friendly nod but turns away looking sad as he knows that will probably get him killed one day
then with Cersei drinking wine of course Qyburn comes in to tell her that Tommen has let sparrows into the Red Keep and they want to see her and she just struts out ready for whatever dogshit happens and as the massive Gregor stomps after her she goes to talk with Lancel who's men steel themselves as the massive man hulks over them and Lancel invites her to speak to the High Sparrow at the Sept but she insists he come here but Lancel grumbles "Your Grace, this is not a request" and Cersei smirks hoping to fuck they try something violent with The Mountain standing behind her taunting "this is a request Cousin Lancel, you are asking me of something, I'm refusing" and Lancel smiles as he gets to get his own back at the woman who seduced him into incest and treason and growls "the High Septon commands you, are you sure want to refuse him?" and she gets shook and wines "he promised me I could stay in the Red Keep until my trial" and Qyburn watches curious as to how Cersei will stay in control as he's probably willing to sell her out the second he thinks anyone else would let him do his experiments and when Lancel says "me made no such promises, if you refuse to come of your own free will-" Cersei hisses "get out" at him and he tries to compose himself and nods for his men to do what needs to be done but THE MOUNTAIN STEPS IN FRONT OF CERSEI and Lancel swallows hard but steels himself and says "move aside Ser" and Gregor just stares at him with his terrifying dead eyes out from under his helmet and Lancel warns "order your man to step aside or there will be violence" and tries his best to maddog Cersei stares at him weight the options but she decides to go with "I choose violence"
and Cersei and Qyburn smirk like oh you did it now and the sparrow struggles to pull it free and looks up terrified as THE MOUNTAIN GRABS HIM BY THE NECK AND LIFTS HIM UP A GOOD THREE FEET OFF THE GROUND AS ALL THE OTHER SPARROWS FLEE IN FEAR AND THE MAN DROPS HIS CLUB AND GREGOR STARES INTO HIS EYES WITH HIS OWN FINALLY WIDENING AS IF KILLING IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE AND HE TOSSES THE MAN IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS AND STOMPS OVER AND
and the Sparrows all stare at his absolutely horrified and Cersei gets a satisfied smile on her face like that's what you get when you fuck with a Lannister and Lancel looks over at the severed head and back at the headless body of his friend and The Mountain simply walks back over to Cersei's side as the sparrows are too terrified to advance and Cersei quips "please tell his High Holiness he's always welcome to visit" and Qyburn gives a self satisfied smirk at his work, I guess the meme here is that if Lady Tyrell is peaceing out then she doesn't need to pretend to give a shit about Loras anymore and since Tommen is the High Sparrow's meal ticket now he won't do anything to the only other person she cares about in the city left
then in Riverrun we see Brie and Pod finally arriving to find... a massive Lannister army between them and their goal lissss
and Pod professes "seems like a siege m'lady" and Brie sighs saying "you have a keen military mind, Pod" rofl these two are great but Brie looks down and sees Jaime hoping that they still have a friendship she can use and Pod warns her as four Lannister guards ride up and demand "who goes there? state your business!" and she introduces herself asking to speak to Jaime "tell him I have his sword" and as the men escort Brie to Jaime Podrick is left in the camp and SOMEONE SUDDENLY GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND AND STARTS CHOCKING HIM IN A HEADLOCK... BUT IT'S JUST BRONN MEMEING "getting a bit old to be a squire, aren't we?" what a fucking dipshit he's lucky Pod only has some good luck hack on doing something perfect on the first try and can't fight very well or he might get stabbed or some shit doing that but I guess that's Bronn for you he only picks fights he knows he can win and he lets the poor lad go and gives a big laugh and slaps him on the back saying "Podrick fucking Payne, I thought you'd be dead by now!" and Pod says "not yet" and they stand beside each other looking at the tent their two masters are talking in and Bronn ponders "you think they're fucking?" and a shocked Pod snaps "what? no!" and Bronn says "what? I'd fuck her, you'd fuck her wouldn't you?" and Pod insists proudly "I'm her squire!" and Bronn condescendingly goes "...oh... well he'd fuck her that's for sure and she'd fuck him don't you think? the way she looks at him... the way all women look at him is frankly irritating! I preferred working with the little brother on that account" having not realized that Jaime only has eyes for one particular lady and then BRONN GRABS PODS CROTCH saying "come on! you're the one with the magic cock! you must have shown it to her by now!" and Pod tries to hide his smile at Bronn's antics to not encourage him and explains "she's training me to fight" and Bronn teases "ooh is she? then how come an old cunt like me can still sneak up and murder ya?" and Pod claims "well that's a different sort of fighting" and Bronn points out "now that's the truth isn't it? you want to learn that sort of fighting? all right, let's start with your foot work" and Pod shows him his stance and Bronn memes "now listen to me Pod you see how your feet are about a yard apart?" and when Pod looks down BRONN SLAPS POD and tells him "lesson number one: assume everyone wants to hit you, cause they do Pod, everyone wants to hit a fucking squire" and playfully pats his cheek and Pod just grins and bares it being used to Brie disrespecting him constantly lmao as they keep training
and inside the command tent Jaime is surprised she found Sansa as "in my experience girls like her don't live very long" as Brie just telling him the truth but she takes offence and says "I don't think you know many girls like her" and Jaime can tell it's a soft spot so just says "well I'm proud of you, I am, you fulfilled your oath to Caitlyn Stark against all odds" and Brie tries to hide how proud she is and Jaime starts up the shenanigans "of course my sister wants Sansa dead, the girl is still a suspect in Joffrey's murder so there is that complication" wow thanks for updating us on that for all the normies who are just starting to watch the show and Brie explains her mission to get the Blackfish's help to retake Winterfell but Jaime points out the Tully army are "a bit occupied at the moment" and explains his own mission to defeat that army and they argue about if the Frey's are in the right or not since the Frey's betrayed the Starks and Jaime just snaps "exactly" as if that's the realpolitik truth of the situation is whoever has the most power gets to decide who's in the right and Jaime sighs that this is effecting his only actual friendship since Bronn is a shithead who'll peace out as soon as the bribes stop coming and moans "we shouldn't fight about politics" but Brie reminds him "you're a knight Ser Jaime, I now there is honor in you I've seen it myself" and Jaime snaps "I'm a Lannister don't ask me to betray my own house" and Brie reasons they can both win if he gets Riverrun without bloodshed which she can arrange if he lets her in to talk the Blackfish into taking his forces North but Jaime cringes "have you ever met the Blackfish? he's even more stubborn than you are" but he sighs since it's his best chance and tells her the strategy he was trying to play on "see if you can talk some sense into the old goat, he won't listen, but his men might, not everyone wants to die or someone else's home" giving her a cheeky glance but she demands his word he really will get safe passage and he gives it and her until nightfall so to show she's serious she hands him back his Valyrian steel blade sword saying "you gave me this sword for a purpose, I have a achieved that purpose" but he nods saying "it's yours, it will always be yours" good now she can fight White Walkers and as they go to leave she tells him if he has to retake the castle "honor compels me to fight for Sansa's kin" and Jaime smiles "of course it does" but Brie clarifies "to fight you" and Jaime looks sad knowing she really would fight him and probably win and says "let's hope it doesn't come to that" as he sees another part of his life fucked up by these dumb oaths
and then inside Riverrun Brie is failing to convince the Blackfish as she tries to give him a letter from Sansa but he snaps "I haven't seen her since she was a child, I don't know her signature, I don't know you and I will not surrender, double the guards tonight! the Kingslayer wants to try us! I can feel it!" ranting to his men and even though he knows her father he says he'd tell him to go home too and Brie tries to talk sense to him that he can't win against the Lannisters and the Frey's pointing out that Jaime sent her since she'd need his permission and obviously gave her that gold lion sword and Brie insists Jaime actually did keep his word to Cat and sent her to find Sansa and gave her that sword to protect her "which I will continue to do until the day I die" and sternly hands over the letter and the Blackfish realizes she's a real nigga and gives in and reads it and gasps as he relaizes "she's exactly like her mother" and Brie smiles knowing he's right and the Blackfish admits sadly letting his tough guy exterior drop "I don't have enough men to help her retake Winterfell" but she says "you have more than she does" and he tells her that he can't leave his home either and will stay and keep it from Jaime for as long as he can and hands the letter back to her and Pod was in there all the time with her and looks over sad as Brie orders him "find the maester, we need to get a raven north to Sansa" and he asks what to write and she upset says "tell her I failed"
then in a crowd in the Iron Throne room in King's Landing we see Cersei marching in with Gregor and Qyburn to speak to Kevan about a royal announcement Cersei is bitching about not being informed of so Kevan condescendingly tells her "there is to be a royal announcement... in the throne room... at this very moment" like he's so mad at her for almost having his fucking son killed and she tries to walk past to see Tommen but he tells her "your place is in the galary with the other... ladies of the court" and she glares at him as if she's putting him on her mental list of enemies and looks up to see Pycelle whispering to Tommen and walks off trying not to show how upset she is as Tommen takes the Iron Throne and nervously looks at his mother and says her meme about the two pillars and some fucking bullshit about The Father being strict and reveals that Cersei and Loras trial will be held in the Sept and with a big sigh as he knows this will fuck his mother over says "the Crown has decided that from this day forward trial by combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms, the tradition is a brutish one, a scheme devised by corrupt rules in order to avoid true judgement from the gods" and they have to face seven septors instead, I mean he's right it is fucking retarded but top jej at him selling out his mother's one chance of sure victory like that and she looks down so sad that her son wont even look at her and Qyburn sneaks up suggests "that old rumor you told me about? my little birds investigated..." and Cersei asks "and? was it just a rumor or something more?" and Qyburns eye twinkles as he says "more... much more" oh boiiiiii
and then with Tyrion in the throne room he's drinking heavily again as Missy frets over Dany still missing and he tempts Grey Worm to try drinking for the first time saying not to listen to his masters training and gives a glass to Missy who says "I tried wine before it made me feel... funny" and Tyrion whispers "that's how you know it's working!" and raises his glass saying "here's to our Queen! anyone who's not drinking is disrespecting our Queen!" and points to Grey Worm that finally bullies him into doing it and he gasps "tastes like it has turned" and Tyrion explains "yes yes, fermentation" OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LIKE FUCKING SLICE OF LIFE ANIME SCENES WITH TYRION MESSING ABOUT IN MEEREEN? WHAT HAPPEEND TO THIS UCKING CHARACTER? WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW? GET THEESE FUCKING NEW NORMIE AUDIENCE MEMBERS OUT OF HERE SO SOME PLOT CAN HAPPEN REEEEEEEEEEE and he pours himself even more wine and wishes for a vineyard one day he can call "The Imp's Delight" and asks Missy a joke but when she doesn't know any he asks Grey Worm for one and he just stares at him like what do you think mate and he goes "right, three Lords walk into a tavern: a Stark a Martell and a Lannister, they order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, each of them finds a fly in his cup! the Lannister, outraged, shoves the cup aside and demands another, the Martell plucks the fly out and swallows it whole, the Stark reaches into his cup, pulls out the fly and shouts "spit it ya you wee shit, spit it out!"" lmao the Starks are definitely meant to be Scottish and Missy and Grey Worm just frown at him like ya fuckin wot m9 and Tyrion says "uh it's funnier in Westeros"
and Grey Worm asks "the Starks and the Lannisters, I thought they were enemies?" and Tyrion sighs "yes!" and Missy explains "a joke is like a story, Torgo Nudho" which I guess... means like my friend in some other language or something? "not a true story necessarily" and Tyrion explains "a story that's meant to make you laugh... ideally... not at the moment perhaps" as Grey Worm glares confused at him since he's a rip-off of Teal'c from Stargate (Dr. Mongol shoutout) and he asks Missy if she likes wine and she admits "I do!" and he demands "tell a joke!" so she tries "two translators are on a sinking ship" and Tyrion perks up amazed she's got something OH MY UCKING GOD WHAT WHY SI THIS SHOW TURNING INTO A FUCKING SLICE OF LIFE ANIME WHAT IS HAPPENING"the first says "do you know how to swim?" the second says "no but I can shout for help in 19 languages"" hahahaha that is actually funny since she just made that up on the spot making reference to herself and Tyrion gives her a laugh but Grey Worm says deadpan "that is the worst joke I ever heard" hahahahaha you aint read my fucking forums mate and Missy reminds him "you don't even know what a joke is" and Grey Worm insists "I am soldier all my life, you think I never hear joke?" and Tyrion accuses "you lied to us" and Grey Worm looks off dramatically and says "I MAKE JOKE" and Missy bursts out laughing and Tyrion cant help but giggle and Grey Worm smiles proud he made his girlfriend laugh and Missy demands "more jokes!" and Tyrion starts up "I once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass" wait I remember this being from an earlier season
but he's cut off by A BELL RINGING and Grey Worm runs like fuck out yelling to his men and we cut to A FLEET OF SHIPS WITH THE CHAINED-MERMAID SIGIL ON ITS FLAG OF THEIR ENEMIES SAILING TOWARDS MEEREEN and Missy tells him "the masters have come for their property" right cant wait for Dany to arrives and steal all their ships AND get Yara's fleet too ebin
then in Jaime's camp he is speaking with Edmure apologizing for his treatment but he's a bit fried in the brain from being held captive for 3 years and he mumbles "I have your word? oh good, good that's... that's a fine thing" but warns him his uncle will never surrender, let me just say that it's really cool they can always get these bit-part actors back to play the character even after year long breaks but I guess the show getting so insanely popular is like free marketing for them so they probably jump at the chance, and Jaime says he only hopes for a good death but tells Edmure his wife had a son congratulating him "you're a potent man" since he only got to bed her once but Edmure whines "a son I've never met born of a wife I haven't seen since our first night together" and Jaime assures him he can arrange for them to be together and a good privileged upbringing for his son trying to be nice to him and Edmure cuts him off "do you imagine yourself a decent person? is that it? after you've massacred my family? kept me in a cell for years, stolen our lands" and Jaime says dryly "need I remind you our houses are at war, I'm sorry if this conflict has inconvenienced you but rebelling against the Crown does have consequences" and Edmure snarls at him "says the man who shoved his sword through his King's back!" and Jaime snaps "did I give you the impression that this was a negotiation? it's not" and Edmure glares at him saying "you understand, on some level you understand that you're an evil man" and Jaime puts on a smug face and quips "I'll leave the judgements to the gods" and Edmure taunts "well that is convenient for you, you're a fine-looking fellow aren't you? hmm, mmm, your square jaw, your golden armor, tell me, I want to know, I truly do, how do you live with yourself?" and Jaime just stares at him as he goes on "all of us have to believe that we're decent, don't we?" well... not all of us exactly... "you have to sleep at night, how do you tell yourself that you're decent after everything that you've done?" and Jaime looks off into the fire thinking and says "I was your sister's prisoner once... she hit me on the head with a rock if I remember correctly" and Edmure chortles and says "yeah... she would have killed you" and glares at him and Jaime says "yeah but she didn't, Catelyn Stark hated me just like you hate me but I didn't hate her, I admired her far more than her husband or her son" and when Edmure snaps at him that he doesn't care Jaime reminds him he's his prisoner and doesn't have a choice lul and he keeps talking "the love she had for her children, I was awed by it, it reminded me of my sister" and grimaces as he realizes that about himself and Edmund who's heard the rumors goes "oh... oh I see... you're a madman" and Jaime honstly thinks he can have a conversation with this man and assures him "I'm not here to trade insults, your sister was a strong-" but he screams "DON'T TALK ABOUT CAT!" and Jaime drolls "I'll talk about whomever I want" as Edmund tries to break free of his bonds to attack Jaime and he starts up again "she loved her children, I suppose all mothers do, but Catelyn and Cersei, there's a firceness you don't often see, but Catelyn and Cersei, they'd do anything to protect their babies, start a war, burn cities to ash, free their worst enemies, the things we do for love" and Edmure gives up trying to break free to escape his narcacistic ramblings and tells him "you didn't come here to talk about our sisters" but Jaime insists "that's exactly why I came here... I love Cersei, you can laugh at that, you can sneer, doesn't matter, she needs me and to get back to her I need to take Riverrun" and Edmure eyes Jaime as he realizes asking introspection of this madlad probably wasn't the best ploy as Jaime says "I'll ask for your baby boy" and Edmure tries to attack him but is too tightly bound and Jaime threatens "I'LL LAUNCH HIM INTO RIVERRUN WITH A CATAPULT" lmaoooooooooooo and he just frankly tells him "because you don't matter to me, Lord Edmure, your son doesn't matter to me, the people in the castle don't matter to me, only Cersei, and if I have to slaughtered every Tully who ever lived to get back to her... that's what I'll do" and Edmure breaks down grunting in frustration in a very good take from the actor as he's faced with this sociopath threatening his family he can't do anything about
then we see Edmure walking through the mud and along the bridge with a torch and announcing himself and his memes to have the drawbridge lowered for him but the Blackfish insists not to let him in warning the soldier who thinks he needs to obey his orders that "it's a trap you idiot!" need to use this screencap next time someone posts how they want to get Sneaky pregnant
and the retard soldier insists he needs to obey his Lord's commands and the Blackfish snaps at him "you're obeying the fucking Kingslayer's commands!" as a knife to your commanders throat is no valid order but the guy orders his men to bring up the drawbridge and Blackfish takes out the first few inches of his sword and threatens "I'll have your head before I surrender Riverrun" and the soldier warns him "you are not Lord of his castle... my Lord" and Blackfish looks around seeing all the other men are half-drawing on him too so he just gives up realizing they're fucked if these idiots fall for this and walks off and Edmund looks back up the hill at Jaime as the drawbridge comes down for him and he closes his eyes hoping this doesn't end too badly for his people and steels himself to march inside and one of the Frey boys teases Jaime "if you're wrong we've just surrendered our most valuable prisoner" and Jaime just ignores him staring off thinking about how gone back to his old self again, another scene that would make a better read if he'd raped Cersei but whatever, then inside Edmund stares at Blackfish who stares back as if he's begging him not to end it because this is all he's got but Edmund hands off his torch and marches up some stairs to the ramparts and the soldier that let him in welcomes him home and Edmund orders "command all the forces within the castle to lay down their arms" for a second I thought Edmund was going to decide fuck it dude figuring Jaime would kill them all and his family anyway since he has such a bad rep and just join in on the siege or something which would be an ironic mistake for Jaime to make going back to his old ways thinking that would help him win via might makes right of threatening a toddler only to have it backfire after it makes him seem too unreasonable for Edmund to bargain with to show the downside of being an edgy cunt but that would be some good writing so not allowed in season 6 and the soldier hesitates but Emdund insist "your lord has given a command" and Jaime watches as the drawbridge lowers and glares over at the Frey son who gives him a respectful smile as the entire Lannister army starts marching towards the castle to seize it and Edmund orders to arrest the Blackfish and hand him over to the Frey's and the soldier looks disappointed at his Lord but gives the order anyway and then we see a huge pile of weapons amassing as the men surrender their arms and then under the castle Blackfish is taking Brie and Pod to a boat to escape and she offers to take him with them but he insists "I've run before at the Red Wedding, I'm not running again, this is my family home!" and she asks him not to die for his pride but he tells her "you'll serve Sansa far better than I ever could, now go on!" and draws his sword joking "I haven't had a good sword fight in years, I expect I'll make a damn fool of myself" and runs up the stairs to have a warriors death and Brie looks on after him with respect like she hopes that's how she goes out and then peaces out as we see the Lannisters hanging up their banners taking the castle back (but no Frey banners in sight lol owned) and then a man tells Jaime the Blackfish "died fighting, my lord" and Jaime just nods him off and stands there looking almost jealous that the Blackfish got to die a heroic death and that's probably better than he'll ever get and he looks down the river to see Brie and Pod rowing away and she looks back at him and Jaime waves to her and she gives him a hesitant wave back as they both hope they're still friends despite drifting apart (literally, bravo DnD!)
I hope they actually use all that space and it's not completely wasted on one throne room kek, and Tyrion marches up with Missy admitting he was wrong and tries to give some ideas for the defence of the city but Grey Worm snaps "no more talking from you, your talking gave us this" and after some squabbling Tyrion gives in and asks what to do and Grey Worm explains the Great Pyramid is their only defensible position and Missy flinches as some shit explodes above but... then they hear footsteps as if they catapulted soldiers on their roof or some dumb shit and Grey Worm nods to his men and Missy grabs a dagger to save herself from le rape and Grey Worm gets a dagger out as he nods for his Unsullied to take up positions with their spears over their shields as they kick open a door and start room clearing like ye olde SWAT team and I was expecting him to get attacked from above but all the Unsullied kneel down as DANY WALKS IN THE ROOM aaaah it was Drogon landing her on the roof and we see him flying off to take care if buisness behind her
then we see The Hound walking through the woods and he finds... his target in the yellow cloak and two other men already being strung up on nooses... by Beric, and his men all get ready to fight if they have to as he notices "Clegane" and Thoros asks "the fuck you doing here?" and The Hound says "chasing them! you?" and Beric awkwardly says "hanging them" and The Hound asks "any particular reason?" and Beric says "they're our men, or they were, they attacked a nearby Sept and murdered the villagers, why do you want them?" and he tells them "same reason, I was helping build it, they killed a friend of mine" and the yellow cloaked man glares at him figuring he already killed his own friends and Thoros quips "you got friends?" and The Hound sighs "not anymore... they're mine" and walks forward but Beric assures him "it's the Brotherhood's good name they've dragged through the dirt" but The Hound doesn't give a fuck as always and growls "fuck your name they're mine, I killed you once before Dundarian I'm happy to do it again" and the expert archer guy who's name I forgot takes aim at his head and The Hound just says "drop that arrow you bloody girl" without even looking over and when he doesn't The Hound points his axe at him and warns the truth "tougher girls than you have tried to kill me" and as he starts towards his man Beric knows he needs to placate this killing machine and offers "you can have one of them" and The Hound looks around and tries for "two" and he looks at Thoros to see if he refuses but then just lets him so The Hound walks up and is about to put his axe in one of them men when Thoros grabs the axe and says "no no no no, we're not butchers, we hang them" as the yellow cloaked man looks down perplexed as to what the difference is if they're going to execute him one way or the other and The Hound snaps "hanging? all over in an instant, where's the punishment in that?" and Thoros goes "uh they die?" and The Hound does the Valar Morghulis meme "we all bloody die... except this one here" pointing to Beric who's got cheats turned on lmao so The Hound offers "I'll only gut one of them" and the yellow cloaked man looks at Beric for help who stops The Hound who offers "chop off one hand?" lmao bit he tells him like he's trying to bargain with a spoiled child who wants all the candy "we gave you two of the three out of respect for your loss, that's generous" and The Hound sighs heavily and throws his axe down complaining "bunch of nancies, there was a time I'd have killed all seven of you just to gut these three" and Thoros taunts "you're getting old Clegane" (no he's just coming back in season 6 where characters are increasingly either obviously good guys or obviously bad guys)
and The Hound quips "he's not" and HE PULLS THE BLOCK OUT FROM UNDER ONE OF THE MEN BREAKING HIS NECK ON THE NOOSE oooh I gotta admit I love how they manage to write the violene to always be a bit shocking each time it happens unlike most shows that totally overproduce violent scenes so they're telegraphed from a mile away and the man in the yellow cloak begs "please don't, I'll give you anything" and The Hound grimaces at this coward who killed his friends and can't even own up to it and HE KICKS THE BLOCK OUT FROM HIM TOO AND WATCHES HIM WRIGGLE AND GARGLE AT THE END OF THE ROPE AS IT STRANGLES HIM
and Beric hangs the third one with him who swings about being strangled too, they could have just let him do them all it's not like anyone would think it wasn't them if they told them, but I guess it's more of a message to his other men if you do that shit I won't have a problem taking you out, and they go to leave but notice The Hound is stealing the yellow cloaked man's boots and checking if they'll fit him and they just stand there in amazement that he's robbing this man as he's still dying above him lmao and he just casually asks "got anything to eat?" and later at their camp they're all eating together with The Hound chewing through a drumstick like a dog and Beric offers The Hound to join them and Thoros tries the "we're here for a reason, the Lord of Light is keeping Beric alive for a reason, he gave a failed drunk priest the power to bring him back for a reason, we are part of something greater than ourselves" angle but The Hound's budding faith got cut short the other day and he points out "lots of horrible shit in this world gets done for "something larger than ourselves"" and tosses him his flask and marches off to take a piss and Beric warns "cold winds are rising in the North" and The Hound taunts "and you're going to go stop them?" as WE SEE THE HOUND TAKE OUT HIS PENIS, EBIN and Beric pleads "we need good men to help us" and The Hound points out "last time you saw me you wanted to execute me" but Beric asks "the Lord of Light gave you the power to defeat me, why?" and The Hound chuckles and replies "I beat you because I'm better than you Beric! I was better than you before you started yammering on about the Lord and I'm better than you now" and Beric admits "aye you're probably right, you're a fighter, you were born a fighter, you walked away from the fight, how did that go?" and The Hound glares at him and Beric warns "good and bad, young and old, the things we're fighting will destroy them all alike" and The Hound sighs hard knowing he's gonna get into some more bullshit and Thoros gives a cheeky look knowing it's working as Beric tempts "you can still help a lot more than you've harmed Clegane, it's not too late for you" and The Hound......... sits there and sighs probably giving in
then we see the actress lady who's name I forget checking on Arya, inb4 she is le Faceless Man, and she walks out to get a stool and get something off the top of a shelf, some little bottle... hmmm.... and she looks up to see... some young blonde man? and Arya wakes with a start as she hears a thump and asks "Lady Crane?" and she goes to find... THE ACTRESS WITH HER THROAT SLIT DEAD ON THE FLOOREDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 121 ya know no good deed and all that, I kind of like how they positioned her body here splayed out over the stool so it's really unnatural and immediately visually jarring to let you know she's dead
and the edgy cunt is standing there with a knife saying "if you'd have done your job she would have died painlessly? instead...." and gestures to her without looking and starts towards Arya ranting "The Many-Faced God was promised a name... he must always receive what is his, you can't change that, I can't change that, no one can... and now he's been promised another name" uh oh my terrible taste in women is being triggered by this bitches psychotic mannerisms, thank god I am a level 5 mgtow or I'd end up in some bad fucking relationships
and Arya can tell she's fucked as this girl stares at her hungrily so ARYA LEAPS OFF THE BALCONY INTO THE STREET AND RUNS INTO THE CITY AND THE GIRL CASUALLY WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND LIKE TERMINATOR TO WHERE THE CROWD IS DISPERSED AND GIVES CHASE RUNNING FULL PELT AFTER ARYA THROUGH THE ALLEYWAYS LIKE A T-1000 AND ARYA HAS TO SLIDE UNDER A CART THAT THE GIRL JUST LEAPS STRAIGHT OVER AND ARYA JUST BARELY MANAGES TO MAKE IT AROUND A CORNER BEFORE THE GIRL FINDS HER
and she finds herself in a steamy men's bathhouse with creepy old men in their underwear walking all around her and she leaves out the other exit walking through the crowd paranoid that her hunter could be any of these people literally like some Terminator 2 shit but THE GIRL COMES RUNNING ALONG THE ROOFTOPS BEHIND HER AND THROWS HERSELF DOWN INTO THE CROWD TO GIVE CHASE AGAIN WITH A BIG SMILE AS ARYA RACES THROUGH THE MARKET JUMPING OVER STALLS AND THEN OVER A WALL AND FALLS DOWN SOME STAIRS HILARIOUSLY AND OVER THE TOP COMICALLY SPEWING BASKETS OF ORANGES EVERYWHERE AS THE CROWD YELLS AT HER THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN HAHAHAHAHA
and there's maybe a reference to The Godfather there where oranges are associated with death coming as an orange rolls into a splotch of Arya's blood as he lays there groaning in pain as her stitches have burst but she looks up to see... the cunty girl staring at her through the crowd, so she gets up and tries to crawl away down an alleyway but the girl walks after her tracking her by her blood trail until she follows Arya into the shitty little stone room she was sleeping in and the girl closes the door and approaches Arya curled up panting in the corner and promises her "it will all be over soon, on your knees or on your feet?" and Arya struggles to stand up to die with some pride... but with Needle in her hand, and the girl asks "haven't we been through this already? that won't help you" and comes at her and ARYA CLOSES HER EYES AND SLASHES THE ONLY CANDLE LIGHTING THE ROOM SO THE GIRL HAS TO FIGHT HER IN THE PITCH BLACK SHE LEARNED HOW TO FIGHT IN WHILE BLIND at first I thought she was just like listening hard or something because I missed that she cut that candle since it cuts away like 1 frame later lmao good editing, also how does this make any sense? I'm sure this girl has had the same blindness training and is, you know, the one who trained her? whatever this whole storyline is demented and I need it over with asap
then in the Faceless Men's temple Jaqen walks in to see a trail of blood on the ground and follows it to the open door where they keep the bodies and he goes down into the catacombs into the room for all the faces and follows the blood to a pillar to find THE ASSASSIN GIRLS CUT OFF FACE ON DISPLAY! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 122 uhhhhhhhhhh I am pretty sure you can't cut someone's face of that easily but ok duuuuuuuuuude
and Arya appears behind him saying "you told her to kill me" and Jaqen turns to see Needle pointed at him and he confesses "yes, but here you are, and there she is" and Arya nods proudly and Jaqen walks into Needle and notes "finally a girl is no one" clearly completely wrong since the writing has gone to shit but Arya says "A GIRL IS ARYA STARK OF WINTERFELL AND I'M GOING HOME" riiiiiiight so what was the point of even going there in the first place? steal some free training? and Jaqen smiles and nods as if he's happy he, or even she maybe, whoever this obnoxious twat is, is happy she actually chose her own life and didn't get brainwashed into their bullshit cult that seems to have degenerated into just another money making venture, thank fucking goooooooooooooooooooood that dumb contrived up its own ass storyline is over
Game of Thrones 6x09: "Battle of the Bastards" KNOTTED.com special edition
First aired: June 19, 2016
we open on I guess the master's attack ships in Meereen loading what looks like a huge nut onto a catapult that gets lit on fire and shot into the city even though last episode they were clearly trebuchet but ok dude and we see A DUDE GETTING BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY BY A FLAMING PROJECTILE
and Dany looks down at her city being bombarded from the water wait it's already fucking daytime? send Drogon down to burn their ships already you dumb thot and inside Tyrion tries to tell Dany "uhhhhhh despite appearances the city is on the rise" and Dany stands extremely unnaturally stock still while she stares at him as he tries to talk his way out of it and she slowly raises an eyebrow as he tries to tell her they're being attacked for their success as they prove you don't need masters stumbling over his words and stuttering as he's so scared of Dany lmao why is Tyrion's storyline written and shot like a fucking comedy show? and he forces himself to look up strongly at Dany who just goes "good, shall we begin?" and a startled Tyrion asks "do we have a plan?" and Dany walks up and casually says "I will crucify the masters, I will set their fleets afire, kill every last one of their soldiers and return their cities to the dirt, that is my plan" and Tyrion looks super awkward and Dany realizes "you don't approve" and Tyrion tries to tell her not to be like her father and very conveniently mentions his plan to immolate all of King's Landing for all the newfag normie audience members who just started watching also let me just point out that Dany has made almost no comment about her infamously psychotic father who was the last legitimate King despite her entire life revolving around being the next legitimate Queen since her character is so far removed from the rest of the show but thankfully the writing for every other character is getting so bad she's almost fitting in anyway Dany tries to say she's not her father but Tyrion warns her "you're talking about burning cities... it's not exactly different" and she has a rare moment of introspection and realizes he's right but then THE WINDOW BURSTS OPEN AS IT GETS HIT BY A BOMBARDMENT
then on the beach they are calling a parley with Dany not even having time to change out of her Dothraki clothes and the King of Yunkai taunts her for turning down his fleet when they first met 3 years ago but Dany just looks at him trying to contain her smug grin as she's gonna ice all these guys I'm sure anyway and Tyrion says they're there to discuss terms of surrender, aka it's definitely Dany's trap, and the dude who bought Tyrion and Jorah and is now representing Astapor says they're going to gtfo, give him the Unsullied and Missy and let them kill the dragons under the Great Pyramid I guess these idiots didn't see the massive Drogon landing up there and think they're all under there, but surely they heard how fucking big Drogon was at the fighting pit? or do they just hope he's still AFK? wouldn't it be pertinent to send a force to go kill the two dragons somehow or have some defence against them or something? seems like the obvious thing to do...
and Grey Worm and Missy look nervous not wanting to be slaves again but Dany just glares at them and says "we obviously didn't communicate clearly, we're here to discuss your surrender, not mine" and the three Kings can't fucking believe it and the Yunkai King mocks "I understand it must be hard adjusting to this new reality... your reign is over!" but she says quietly "my reign has just begun"
and in the distances they hear... reeeeeee... oh boy I wonder how Dany will get out of this sticky situation, and the Kings look at each other like uhhhhhh and turn around and Dany gets super smug as DROGON SOARS OVER THEM AND LANDS ON THE BUILDING ABOVE THEM AND ALL THE KINGS AND THEIR MEN FUCKING BRICK IT AS HE JUMPS DOWN BEHIND DANY LIKE WHAT THE FOOK DID U JUST SAY TO ME FOOKIN MUM M8?
AND HE PUTS DOWN HIS WING FOR HER TO WALK UP LIKE THE BOARDING STAIRS OF A PLANE AS SHE CLIMBS ONTO HIS BACK AND HE GIVES EVERYONE A HUGE NEEDLE TOOTHED SHITEATING GRIN LIKE A SMUG PEPE
AND SIMPLY WALKS THROUGH THE MEN AND HOPS OFF THE CLIFF TO TAKE FLIGHT AND ALL THE SOLDIERS AND KINGS WHO HAD TO DIVE OUT THE WAY ARE LIKE THAT'S OP AS FUCK NERF PLZ
then back at the beach Grey Worm announces "you men have a choice, fight and die for masters who would never fight and die for you or go home to your families" and the slave soldiers all drop their swords and run off as the Unsullied snap to attention and the three Kings brick it and Tyrion taunts "thank you for the armada, our Queen does love ships" and calls them out for violating their pact and Missy tells them "our queen insists that one of you must die" wow edgy and Tyrion points out "it always seems a bit abstract doesn't it? other people dying?" and the Yunkai King and I guess the representative of Volantis immediately shoves forward Tyrion's old master saying "this one, he's a low born, he's not one of us!" and the man drops to his knees to Grey Worm for mercy and GREY WORM SLITS THE YUNKAI KING AND THE VOLANTIS KINGS THROATS IN ONE SWIPE OVER TYRIONS OLD MASTERS HEAD as they were the least honerable one and the man sits there in shock and Tyrion comes up and compassionately tells his old owner to tell his people "you live by the grace of Her Majesty" and to just remind anyone who wants revenge what happened in there and they all walk off leaving the man along on his knees as dragons soar in the background, wow what a well written sequence where Dany gets out of another sticky situation because her dragon turned up never seen that before other thaaaaaaaaan in season 2 when her baby dragons killed the warlock in Qarth, in season 3 when they killed the King of Astapor, in season 4 I don't even remember what happened with Dany lmao and in season 5 annihilated almost every SotH in front of the entire city of Meereen... simply ebin they should have really had it where it's the Dothraki that mainly save the day since that's a force it would make sense for the Masters to not know she had access to (not really since armies take ages to travel anywhere and in these days enemy forces had scouts following them everywhere they went but at least it would be something not done in the show three times before) but all they did was kill like 10 guys on the ground ebin
then back in Westeros a parley party from the Bolton's is riding out of Winterfell to meet with Jon and Sansa, as fucking if they'd ever trust the most obvious psychopath to ever live to honor a parley, and Jon is telling his sister "you don't have to be here" but she insists "yes I do" right great so Ramsay can slaughter all of you real fucking ebin writing going on here and Ramsay gives Sansa a big cheesy smile and says "my beloved wife, I've missed you terribly, thank you for returning Lady Bolton safely... now, dismount and kneel before me, surrender your army and proclaim me the true Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North, I will pardon you for deserting the Night's Watch, I will pardon these treasonous Lords for betraying my house" and Jon, Sansa, Davos and Tormund just sit there awkwardly as the fucking 10 year old Lord Lady sits in the background sneering at Ramsay who goes "come, bastard, you don't have the men, you don't have the horses, and you don't have Winterfell, why lead those poor souls into slaughter? there's no need for a battle, get off your horse and kneel... I'm a man of mercy" alright I'm guessing the meme here is uuuuuh Jaime feels sorry for Brie and sends Edmund up with the Tully forces anyway? and maybe even the Lannister army? since the Bolton's got Cersei angry by marrying Sansa and trying to get above their station and Jaime could also cut a deal where if he gives the North back to the Starks the Tully's and Jon's forces will come down to King's Landing and kick the shit out of the Sparrows or something, anyway Jon says "you're right, there's no need for a battle, thousands of men don't need to die... only one of us... let's end this the old way, you against me" and everyone looks around super dramatically and Ramsay starts chuckling and says "I keep hearing stories about you, bastard, the way people in the North talk about you you're the greatest swordsman who ever walked! maybe you are that good, maybe not, I don't know if I'd beat you, but I know my army will beat yours! I have 6000 men, you have, what, half that? not even?"
wait I thought Ramsay was le ebin swordsman who could fight the Iron Islands best soldiers while fucking shirtless I would have thought he'd say yes on the understanding that if he looks like he's about to lose his men just attack anyway lmao and Jon says "aye, you have the numbers, will your men want to fight for you when they hear you wouldn't fight for them?" I think the answer is yes since they're scared of him and then all wars could be decided by Dothraki single combat rules if that tactic worked you brainlet and Ramsay's smile instantly drops and he starts pointing anxiously at Jon and muttering "he's good, very good!" and drops the leader facade and lets the real Ramsay come out "tell me, would you let your little brother die because you're too proud to surrender?" and Sasna asks "how do we know you have him?" and Ramsay turns his attention to her with laser focus and looks over to his man and smiles who THROWS DOWN RICKON'S DIREWOLF'S SEVERED HEAD and Sansa and Jon sit there sadly remembering their own wolves and Ramsay grins and says "so if you want to save-" but Sansa cuts him off and says "you're going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton... sleep well"
and she rides off all on her own which is really weird and awkward since a soldier could snipe her with an arrow or some shit at any second and he gets a goofy smile glares at Jon hoping Sansa told him he raped her every night and then he starts up "she's a fine woman, your sister, I look forward to having her back in my bed... and you're all fine-looking men... my dogs desperate to meet you, I haven't fed them in seven days haha! they're ravenous! I wonder which parts they'll try first... your eyes? your balls?! heh... we'll find out soon enough, in the morning then.... bastard" and stares Jon wide eyed like a lion that's seen it's prey as he rides back to Winterell
and then Jon says "if he was smart he'd stay inside the walls of Winterfell and wait us out" but Davos says he'll show force as "he knows the North is watching" and can't show weakness as fear is his power and Jon points out that's his weakness too and his men will abandon him if the tide turns but Tormund growls "it's not his men that worry me, it's his horses, I know what mounted knights can do to us, you and Stannis cut through us like piss through snow!" and Jon suggests trenches to defend against a similar pincer move and Tormund doesn't get it and stares blankly at him and Jon looks at Davos as he realizes the vast majority of his army are savages with zero understanding of modern infantry combat lmao and has to explain "they wont be able to hit us from the side" and Tormund just grumbles "good" and stares at him awkwardly and Davos says "it's crucial that we let them charge at us, they've got the numbers, we need the patience, if we let him buckle our centre, he'll peruse, then we'll have him surrounded on three sides" and Tormund, not getting any of that, leans in to Jon and asks "did you really think that CUNT would fight you man-to-man?" and Jon growls "no, but I wanted to make him angry, I want him coming at us full tilt" and Sansa looks a bit proud that her brother has picked up how to be a manipulative shit like her too but also rustled that he's making the wrong call and getting Ramsay mad is probably a bad play and they all decide to get some sleep for the battle tomorrow and Jon sits down holding his head from the stress and Sansa says "so you've met the enemy, drawn up your battle plans..." and Jon sighs "aye, for what it's worth" and Sansa rants "you've known him for the duration of one conversation, you and your advisers, and you sit around making your plans on how to defeat a man you don't know! I lived with him, I know the way his mind works, I know how he likes to hurt people, did it ever once occur to you that I might have some insight?" and Jon is not in the mood to argue with ye olde triggered feminist and sighs "you're right"
and she bitches "you think he's going to fall into your trap, he wont, he's the one who lays traps" yeah I bet he does gaaaaaay boiiiiiiii and Jon claims "he's overconfident" but Sansa insists "he plays with people, he's far better at it than you, he's been doing it all his life" and Jon snaps "aye and what have I been doing all my life playing with broomsticks? I've bought beyond The Wall worse than Ramsay Bolton! I've defended The Wall from worse than Ramsay Bolton!" idk at least Wildling's and White Walkers just eat ya and she insists "you don't know him" so he gives him "alright, tell me, what should we do? how do we get Rickon back?" and Sansa breaks the news "we'll never get him back, Rickon is Ned Stark's trueborn son, which makes him a greater threat to Ramsay than you, a bastard, or me, a girl" which is maybe the real reason he cut off Theon's big benis since it stops him from being able to continue his House's legacy but keeps him alive to use him as a hostage against his family so uh oh hope Rickon has at least learnt how to jerk off because he's not got much time left and Sansa goes on "as long as he lives Ramsay's claim to Winterfell will be contested which means... he won't live long" but Jon gasps "we cant give up on our brother!" and Sansa cries "listen to me please! he wants you to make a mistake!" so Jon demands "I know he does! so what should I do differently?" and Sansa admits "I don't know I don't know anything about battles just dont do what he wants you to do" and Jon mutters "aye that's good advice" and she asks "you think that's obvious?" and Jon snaps "well it is a bit obvious!" lmaooooooooo and she chews him out for attacking at all without a larger force but he screams they'll never have one and they yell back and fourth about how fucked they are and Jon insists "battles have been one against greater odds....." I guess thinking of his battle at The Wall that he only survived because Stannis absolutely magically showed up out of nowhere with no explanation because the writing started getting worse and worse as they started running out of books lmao and she tells him seriously "if Ramsay wins... I am not going back there alive, do you understand me?" and Jon rubs his two braincells together and understands saying "I won't let ever... let him touch you again, I'll protect you I promise" and Sansa just sneers "no one can protect me, no one can protect anyone" and storms off leaving Jon to fret over his retarded battle plan
and outside Davos asks Tormund if there's hope but he doesn't know what the Bolton's are capable of... and they haven't seen how the free folk fight so yeah there's hope, and he thinks Davos wants to avenge Stannis but Davos blames the man himself for his death lis despite how much he loved him and when he explains "he had demons in his head whispering fowl things" Tormund stops and asks "you saw these demons?" Davos tries to explain "no it's a manner of speaking.... not actual demons" which is maybe le dumb joke but hopefully the writers remember he literally saw a demon that contributed to corrupting him and Tormund starts chewing Stannis out for killing Mance saying how much better he was for not torturing people or listening to red witches and Davos proposes "maybe that was our mistake, believing in Kings?" but Tormund reminds him "Jon Snow's not a King" and invites him for a drink... of sour goat's milk, claiming it's better than any grape juice dumb southerners suck on, but Davos says he always takes a walk before battle... to shit his guts out in anxiety lmao, and Tormund laughs and blesses him "happy shitting"
then we see Jon coming to talk to the Red Lady who is autistically staring at fire to get some advice but all she has is "don't lose" right brilliant and Jon asks "if I do, and I fall... don't bring me back" Jon trying to get the writing quality back up in the show lmao but she insists she has to try for the Lord who clearly wants him alive and Jon asks "why?" and she admits "I don't know" and admits he might just be there to die again having a similar experience to Thoros where maybe she never really fully believed but now finds themselves a real conduit for Allah's power and Jon grumbles "what kinda God would do something like that?" and the Red Lady just tells him "the one we've got" and Jon tries autistically staring into the fire for a bit but it doesn't work and storms out, ok thanks Allah
then we see Davos going for a shit and uuuh ooooh he finds... an old funeral pyre... and inside it finds... THE WOODEN HORSE TOY HE MADE FOR SHIREEN ALL BURNT UP and he realizes what happened to her, very convinient she happened to have that at the time but I guess it's acceptable kino, and as the sun rises behind him like the angry holy fire that killed Shireen as he looks back at Jon's camp realizing the Red Lady fucking immolated his 11 year old friend uh oooooooh
then in Meereen Tyrion is asking "last time I saw you was... back in Winterfell yes? you were making jokes about my height I seem to recall, every person to make a joke about a dwarf's height thinks he's the only person to ever make a joke about a dwarf's height" as YARA AND THEON ARE MEETING WITH DANY which means TYRION HAS A T_H_I_R_D MAN WHO'S MISSING HIS COCK TO MAKE FUN OF LMAO and Theon looks awkwardly at him as Tyrion remembers "the height of nobility, a man of your stature, someone to look up to, you're all making the same five or six jokes" uhhhhhh they're called memes actually so it's ok! and Theon looks him in the eye and says honestly "it was a long time ago" and Tyrion taunts "it was... and how have things been going for you since then? not so well I gather" as Theon tries and fails to hold his gaze and Theon admits he didn't kill the Stark boys but did things as bad... or worse and Yara says "and he paid for them" but Tyrion says "doesn't seem like it" ah he doesn't know about the whole Reek phase and he starts talking down to Theon thinking his only issue was growing up in Winterfell and Dany says "you've brought us 100 ships from the Iron Fleet" don't know how the fuck the like 8 other men in the rowboat we saw them escaping in would steal all those ships but ok dude and shes knows what they want in return but Theon points out it's his sister's claim to the throne not his and Dany immediately clocks "and whats wrong with you?" and Theon grumbles "I'm not fit to rule" and Tyrion taunts "we can agree on that at least" and Dany asks "has the Iron Islands ever had a queen before?" and Yara fires back "no more than Westeros" pointing out they'll both be firsts and Dany gives a smile as she's happy to meet a fellow empowered woman yaaaaaaaas slay queeeeeeeeen
and Theon tells them about Euron's antics and Dany brings up how terrible a King Yara's father was and she claps back "you and I have that in common" oooooooooh snaaaaaap and Dany admits "we do... and both murdered by a usurper too" and Tyrion tells her that their ships combined with the former Masters ships might be enough oh my god is she going to turn up to save Jon and Tyrion tells her Euron will make an offer with more boats but warns he wants to give her... and Yara buts in "his BIG COCK I think he said" (guess it runs in the family, rip Theon's dick) and Dany chuckles not surprised and quips that Yara wouldn't demand marriage but she smirks "I never demand, but I'm up for anything really" and Dany gives her a smile like she loes a confident woman and Theon tells him his uncle will merc her as soon as he gets the 7 Kingdoms and all they want is their homeland back, I guess if the Westeros is obviously the UK that would make the Iron Islands sort of like the Isle of Man which changed hands between Scotland, England, Wales and Ireland several times and is still a sort of weird semi-independent protectorate or some shit despite just being another island off the coast of the British Isles, and Yara says all they want is to "help murder an uncle or two that doesn't think a woman is fit to rule" and Dany smirks and says "reasonable" YAAAAAAS LITERALLY SLAY LITERAL QUEEEEEEEEEN and Tyrion warns what if everyone demands independence but Dany already loves Yara and says they're just asking and declares "our fathers were evil men, all of us here, they left the world worse than they found it, we're not going to do that, we're going to leave the world better than we found it" and tells them if they support her claim and do "no more reaving, roving, raiding... or raping" walking straight up to Yara already knowing all the bullshit she lets her men get away with even if she claims not to do it herself but literal rape culture defending Yara says "that's our way of life" but she insists "no more" and stares the taller woman down so Yara bottles it and says "no more" and everyone nods to their advisers happy with the arrangement and Dany and Yara shake hands, inb4 absolute memery where they come in and save Jon that should have really been done to defeat the Master's navy since I guess they just completely cucked out and surrender after losing only one boat or something even though Yara is just sailing up to Meereen with the best war fleet in the world she could have won Dany over by effortlessly dominating the Master's fleet but I guess that would be too much CGI so whatever duuuuuuude
then speaking of which the next morning Jon's army is all standing in formation ready to rock and roll and everyone is extremely nervous, even Wun Wun is breathing hard, and all the North men are not even paying attention to how there is a giant on their side and staring out across the field at...
and there's some scary music as the camera pans over to show... the Bolton's twice as large army with a huge cavalry and all the men in the same uniforms actually looking disciplined rather than the Wildlings all standing around in the open... and then Ramsay comes trotting out on his horse... carrying a rope that's dragging something... oh god... it's Rickon isn't it... and he seems fine, if this show still had balls he'd be missing his eyes or some edgy shit but he's just his hostage, still wearing the animal pelt clothes Osha made or him, and tugs the teenage boy out beside him infront of his army and takes out his sword... so Jon steps forward out into the open... and Rickon clenches his eyes ready to die... but Ramsay cuts his binds and asks the like 13 year old kid who's already the same height as him "do you like games little man?" and Rickon replies WE LIKE FORTNITE WE LIKE FORTNITE WE LIKE FORTNITE no he just stands there terrified and Ramsay suggests "LET'S PLAY A GAME" *SAW THEME MUSIC STARTS UP* and grabs him by the shoulder and points him in the right direction and dares "run to your brother, the sooner you make it to him, the sooner you get to see him again, that's it, that's the game, easy" and gives him a big goofy fake grin and Jon breathes hard knowing he's going to shoot his brother down or some shit and he tells him "ready? go" and lets Rickon walk away who looks back in disbelief and Ramsay says "no you have to run remember? those are the rules"
RAMSAY'S MAN HANDS HIM HIS BOW AND ARROW AND JON LEAPS ON HIS HORSE AND GALLOPS TORWADS HIM AS RAMSAY CASUALLY NOTCHES HIS ARROW AS RICKON RUNS FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE AND RAMSAY FIRES AN ARROW ARCHING IT OVER THE FIELD..... BUT HITS RIGHT BESIDE RICKON
AND RAMSAY SHRUGS AND TAKES ANOTHER ARROW AS JON RACES AS FAST AS HIS HORSE WILL GO TO HIS LITTLE BROTHER AND RAMSAY COCKILY LOOKS AT HIS MAN AND FIRES WITHOUT LOOKING AND JON WHIPS HIS HORSE TO RUN AS FAST AS IT CAN GO
AS RICKON DOES THE SAME AS RAMSAY AIMS HIS THIRD ARROW PUTTING HIS EYE RIGHT UP TO IT WITH HIS OTHER CLOSED TO REALLY AIM AND THEN FIRES IT... BUT IT LANDS BY RICKON'S FOOT...
and Jon arrives just in time to watch his little brother stop writhing around and die and Tormund looks at Davos realizing it's fucking on now and Jon looks up at Ramsay like he'll get what he wants and Ramsay looks super confident like every fibre of his being was born for this shit and Tormund begs "don't..." to himself but Jon struggles to control himself and Ramsay just smiles and walks away knowing Jon is emotionally compromised as THE BOLTON ARCHERS LET LOOSE ALL THEIR ARROWS PERFORATING THE GROUND AROUND RICKON AND HIS CORPSE AS JON JUST RIDES AWAY TO AVOID THE VOLLEY
AND DAVOS SCREAMS TO HIS MEN "GO! GO! FOLLOW YOUR COMMANDER!" AND JONS CAVALRY GIVES CHASE AND TORMUND SCREAMS "RUN AND FIIIGHT!" AND WUN WUN HOLLARS AS THE WILDLINGS LEG IT FULL BLAST TOWARDS THE ARMY TWICE THEIR SIZE AND WE CUT TO A SLOW-MO SHOT OF THE CHARGING CAVALRY AS
JON IS FINNA BOUTA SOLO THE ENTIRE BOLTON ARMY WHOS ARCHERS LOOSE ANOTHER VOLLEY OF ARROWS AND ONE HITS JONS HORSE SENDING IT FALLING AND JON FLYING OFF AND RAMSAY SMILES AND GIVES THE ORDER "NOW!" AND A MAN YELLS "CAVALRY! CHAAAAAARGE!" and Jon stands up to see... every bolton mounted soldier racing towards him... and he sighs realizing his 60 iq points were not enough and maybe running straight at an enemy army is not a good idea... and he looks down remembering all he's lost and decides to go out like Stannis did and JON DRAWS LONGCLAW and takes a fighting stance ready to die a warriors death as the cavalry bares down on him.... oh what dumb shits gonna happen to save him...
HIS OWN CAVALRY CRASHES INTO THE BOLTON'S AS IT'S INCHES AWAY FROM HIM SHREDDING THE GROUND AND SENDING HORSES FLYING INTO THE AIR AS THEY COLLIDE HEAD-ON
AND DAVOS ORDERS "NOCK!" AND RAMSAY ORDERS "NOCK!" AS THE HORSE ON HORSE CHAOS CONTINUES AND THEY BOTH ORDER "DRAW!" AS MEN HACK EACH OTHER TO DEATH FROM HORSEBACK BUT DAVOS REALISES "NO WE'LL JUST KILL OUR OWN MEN STAND DOWN" BUT THAT AINT A FUCKING PROBLEM FOR TWISTED FUCKING PSYCHOPATH RAMSAY WHO ORDERS "LOOSE!" AND A VOLLEY OF ARROWS FLIES STRAIGHT INTO THE BATTLING CAVALRIES KILLING MEN AND HORSES ON BOTH SIDES™
DUCKS AS MORE ARROWS INCOME KILLING MEN ALL AROUND HIM AND BLOCKS ANOTHER ATTACK AND HACKS INTO THE MAN AND A HORSE CRASHES INTO THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HIM ONLY FOR ANOTHER TO ATTACK BUT HE DIVES OUT THE WAY AND HE ATTACKS ANOTHER SOLDIER
WHO BLOCKS HIM WITH HIS SHIELD BUT JON JUST GRABS HIM AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO HIM AND ANOTHER ENEMY STAGGERS BACK INTO JON BUT ONE OF HIS SOLDIERS GRABS HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT
AND JON MARCHES OVER AND KILLS THE DUDE ON THE GROUND AS HE BEGS FOR HIS LIFE AND A BOLTON SOLDIER ON A HORSE CHARGES AT JON WITH AN AXE BUT A NORTHERNER CAVALRY MAN SMASHES INTO HIM WITH A LANCE TAKING HIM OUT
AND MEN DROP DEAD EVERYWHERE AS HORSES GET SPEARED AND COLLAPSE BUT RAMSAY JUST ORDERS AGAIN "LOOSE!" AND ANOTHER VOLLEY OF ARROWS FLIES UP AND PERFORATES ALL THE DEAD, DYING, INJURED AND FIGHTING SOLDIERS AND JON GRABS THE SOLDIER HE'S FIGHTING AND USES HIM AS A HUMAN SHIELD TO BLOCK THE ARROWS THE ABSOLUTE MADLAD AND KILLS ANOTHER, RUNS THROUGH ANOTHER SEES RAMSAY ORDERING "LOOSE!" SO RUNS BEHIND THIS WALL OF DEAD HORSES THAT'S BUILT UP AS THE ARROWS RAIN DOWN KILLING EVERYONE ON BOTH SIDES NOT IN COVER WITH SOME MEN STILL FIGHTING EACH OTHER AS HE ORDERS AGAIN "LOOSE!" AND JON HACKS THROUGH EVERY BOLTON TRYING TO GET TO COVER AS SOLDIERS GET DROPPED LEFT AND RIGHT SKEWERING ONE THROUGH THE CHEST AND SCREAMING BLOODY FACED INTO THE HEAVENS
AS THE FIGHTING KEEPS TAKING PLACE ON TOP OF A FUCKING MOUNTAIN OF DEAD MEN AND HORSES THAT HAVE ALL CLIMBED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE ARROWS HOLY SHIT THIS IS METAL AS FUCK
AND DAVOS YELLS "WE MAY AS WELL BE TAKING SHITS BACK HERE!" AND SCREAMS "FOLLOOOOOOW!" AND DRAWS HIS SWORD AND THE FUCKING 62 MORMONTS UNDER HIS COMMAND RUN OUT TO CERTAIN DEATH BEHIND HIM
AND RAMSAY JUST SMIRKS AS HE ORDERS "IT'S TIME, GO" AND A DUDE WALKS OUT SCREAMING "WHO OWNS THE NORTH?" AND HIS MEN REPLY "WE DO!" AND HE SCREAMS "SHOW ME!" AS ALL THE FOOT SOLDIERS CHARGE OUT LEAVING RAMSAY SITTING THERE LOOKING SMUG BUT JON IS STILL KILLING LIKE A MADLAD WHEN A SOLDIER KNOCKS HIM DOWN AND STARTS TRYING TO KILL HIM BUT... TORMUND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST!!!
AND THE LADS LOOK UP TO SEE THE WILDLING ARMY CHARGING IN WITH DAVOS AND THE MORMONTS BUT WUN WUN POINTS TO THE BOLTON SOLDIERS WHO ARE... FORMING A SHIELD WALL AROUND JONS ENTIRE ARMY LIKE SOME SPARTAN SHIT!!!
and all the men start panting for breath and Jon looks around knowing he's fucked and Ramsay gets a satisfied smirk as THE BOLTON MEN LOWER THEIR SPEARS AND GET ORDERED "INFANTRY! ADVANCE!" AND THEY MARCH FORWARD AND SKEWER JONS MEN, MARCH FOWARD AND SKEWER MORE MEN, MARCH FORWARD AND SKEWER MORE MEN, CRUSHING JONS ARMY, AND ONE OF JONS MEN TRIES TO CLIMB UP THE HUGE WALL OF CORPSES... BUT RAMSAYS RIGHT HAND MAN SLITS HIS THROAT AND THE BOLTON FOOT SOLDIERS CREST THE MOUNTAIN OF BODIES AND SLIDE DOWN TOWARDS THE NORTHERNERS
AND DAVOS, REALIZING THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN PLAN TO CORNER THEM IN ON THREE SIDES TO THEM, YELLS "WITH ME LADS! BREAK THEIR LINE!" AND AS JON FIGHTS THE SOLDIERS COMING IN FROM THE BACK WUN WUN SLAPS THE BOTLONS SHIELDS AWAY AND THROWS ONE OF THEIR SOLDIERS INTO THE AIR AS TORMUND SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER AND THROWS HIMSELF STRAIGHT INTO A SHIELD WITH HIS WILDLINGS FOLLOWING HIM AND HE GRABS A SOLDIER FROM BEHIND THE SHIELD WALL, PULLS HIM OUT AND PUTS HIS BLADE IN HIS CHEST
AS WUN WUN SLAPS AT THE BOLTONS TRYING TO KEEP HIM BACK WITH THEIR SPEARS AND THE MEN ALL START SLAUGHTERING EACH OTHER WITH WILDLINGS BASHING A MANS BRAINS IN AND A BOLTON SOLDIER LOST HIS LEGS BEGGING FOR HELP AS HIS OWN MEN MARCH OVER HIM AND A MAN TRIES TO HOLD IN HIS INTESTINES AS MORE PEOPLE DIE ALL AROUND HIM AND RAMSAY JUST CASUALLY STANDS THERE WATCHING THE VIOLENCE AS JON SLITS A GUYS THROAT AS WUN WUN GRABS A BOLTON AND TEARS HIM IN FUCKING HALF!!!
AND THE SHIELDMEN SKEWER WILDLINGS WITH THEIR SPEAR BUT TORMUND PULLS ONE OF THEM DOWN AND KILLS HIM AND THE OTHER MEN POKE TORMUND BUT HIS MEN PULL HIM BACK BUT THEY HEAR "INFANTARY! ADVANCE!" AGAIN AND EVERYONE TRIES TO FALL BACK BUT THEY'RE JUST CRUSHING EACH OTHER AS THE SHIELDWAELL COMPACTS THEM
AND TORMUND LOOKS UP AT THE CORPSEWALL WITH THE BOLTONS KILLING ANONE WHO TRIES TO CLIMB UP AND AT HIS OWN MEN FALLING TO THE ENCROACHING SPEARS AND SCREAMS "FUCK THIS! COME ON!"
AS JON SEES... RAMSAYS RIGHT HAND MAN... AND THEY SQUARE UP TO FIGHT WHEN... WILDLINGS PILE INTO THE SECOND IN COMAND GUY SCREAMING "WE'RE GOING HOME!" STAMPEDING OVER HIM LMAOOOOO
AND JON GETS KNOCKED OVER TOO AND ROLLS AROUND IN THE MUD TRYING NOT TO GET TRAMPLED BY HIS OWN MEN AND THE RIGHT HAND MAN STANDS UP TO SEE TORMUND PUNCHES HIM AND THEY START DUELLING FOR WHO HAS THE BEST HUGE GINGER BEARD AS JON STARTS GETTING BURRIED ALIVE UNDER CORPSES GASPING FOR BREATH AND TORMUND IS GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM BY THE OTHER GINGER NUT AND JON STARTS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT NO AIR CAN COME OUT
AND EVEN MORE GUYS START TO FALL ON TOP OF HIM AS THEY'RE GETTING CRUSHED TOGETHER BY THE SHIELDWALL AND HE CLIMBS UP FROM THE MUD AND CORPSES AND OTHER MEN TO GASP FOR AIR AS HE'S PACKED IN WITH MEN DEAD ON THEIR FEET AND BEING SUFFOCATED TO DEATH FROM THE CRUSH
and Ramsay looks out satisfied as he sees Wun Wun taking too many arrows and starting to stumble and Jon looks over to see Tormund getting headbutted in the face over and over again as super sad violin music plays and looks at Davos who's being crushed too and they watch trapped and helpless as Tormund starts to pass out against this larger man who cant even get his arms up to fight him and is just ramming his head with his skull over and over again about to slip under and be crushed to death but TORMUND BITES THE SECOND IN COMMAND MANS CAROTID ARTERY WITH HIS TEETH!!! AND THE MAN STRUGGLES BACKWARDS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT AS HIS BLOOD ARCS INTO THE AIR GIVING TORMUND ENOUGH ROOM TO DRAW HIS KNIFE AND STAB HIM IN THE FACE
AND TORMUND KEEPS STABBING THE RIGHT HAND MAN SCREAMING IN HIS DYING DESTROYED FACE AS THE VALE CAVALRY RAMS INTO THE BACK OF THE SHIELDWALL AND WUN WUN GRABS A SHIELD AND STARTS SLAPPING THE BOLTONS AWAY WITH IT AND SANSA SMILES
AS THE HORSES MOW THROUGH THE SHIELDMEN WITH NO CAVALRY LEFT ON THEIR SIDE TO DEFEND THEM AND WUN WUN STAGGERS TO STAY ON HIS FEET SHOVING BOLTONS INTO THE VALE'S HORSES AS JON STAGGERS TO SUMMIT THE MOUNTAIN OF BODIES
and sees Ramsay sitting on his horse with only two men guarding him and Tormund and Wun Wun come up on either side of him and Ramsay locks eyes with Jon and realizes he's fucked and rides off as Sansa watches her brother and his two best fighters chasing after her rapist
and Ramsay's man screams "open the gate!" as they run into Winterfell and Ramsay tells him "their army's gone" but his man says "our army's gone!" as archers run up to the walls to defend the castle and Ramsay stops in his tracks in annoyance and tells him to his face "we have Winterfell, they don't have the men for a siege, all we have to do is wait" but then... there's a massive thump at the door... and an archer screams for backup and men gather around Ramsay as the thumps keep coming and the door starts to buckle and then A HUGE FIST BURSTS THROUGH AND THE ARCHERS FIRE AT WUN WUN WHO JUST KEEPS SMASHING THE DOOR and Ramsay realizes he's double fucked and walks off as Wun Wun gets an arm through and a soldier throws a spear into his hand but he tears it back and WUN WUN JUST BARGES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR INTO WINTERFELL... BUT FALLS TO HIS KNEES AS HE'S FULL OF LIKE 40 ARROWS AND HE SCREAAAAAAMS AS HIS WILDLINGS FLOOD IN AND START RETURNING FIRE ON THE ARCHERS KILLING THEM WITH THEIR OWN ARROWS
and Jon runs in and looks up at Wun Wun and Tormund looks up to see his men throwing guards off the walls and Jon can tell Wun Wun is hurt bad and reaches out to thank him but RAMSAY PUTS AN ARROW THROUGH WUN WUN'S EYE, KILLING HIM
and memes "you suggested one-on-one combat didn't you?" and all the Wildlings and Northmen take aim at Ramsay with their bows as he memes "I've reconsidered, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea"AND GRABS ANOTHER ARROW AND FIRES STRAIGHT AT JON
BUT JON RUSHES FOR A SHIELD TO BLOCK IT... AND MARCHES FORWARD TO BLOCK A SECOND... and everyone puts their bows down realizing Jon's got this and Ramsay aims another and Jon leaves it to the last second to block it so he'll waste his ammo and making sure he doesn't just shoot him in the knee like people need to do to Captain America and Ramsay fiddles to nock a fourth
but he sees his sister... and stops... and stands up... and the Bolton banner is cut down from Winterfell... and finally the Stark's wolf banner is put back up... and the Red Lady smiles as at least some of her vision came true and Davos looks out at her wondering what to do with her as they watch all of Jon's men come in and set up shop and some of them bring him the body of Rickon and he tells them he'll be buried in the crypt next to their father and Sasna asks Jon "where is he?" and we cut to Ramsay waking up... tied to a chair... with his ruined face still leaking blood... and he gasps "ah... Sansa... hello Sansa" but she doesn't rely and just stares at him as he looks around finding himself in a cell in a deathly silent and dark dungeon and he asks "is this where I'll be staying now?" to no response making him realize "no, our time together is about to come to an end... that's all right... you can't kill me... I'm part of you now..."
bringing up le theme of identity but Sansa gives him le theme back telling him "your words will disappear... your house will disappear... your name will disappear... all memory of you will disappear" and Ramsay looks over to see... his dogs that haven't been fed in a week... and he looks to his other side to see... another one of his dogs being let in... and Ramsay claims "my hounds will never harm me" but Sansa reminds him "you haven't fed them in seven days, you said it yourself"WAIT DIDN'T SHE RIDE AWAY BEFORE HE SAID THAT LMAOOOO? PLOOOOT HOOOOOOOOLE
but just a wee bit of pottery where of all the things Ramsay treats badly to backfire on him it's his fucking dogs, the only creatures in his life he actually tried to treat well, and he swallows some blood and assures her "they're loyal beasts" but Sansa figures "they were... now they're starving" and Ramsay looks coldly at her but then looks over as even more of his dogs come in and he looks one of his massive Italian Mastiff's in the eye as it that leans in and stiffs his face as they're eye-level and he orders "sit" but... the dog starts licking the blood off of his face... and Ramsay snaps "down!" and Sansa watches as he tries and fails to order it "down! down! down!" feeling fear for the first time in his life but the dog can't withstand it's hunger
THE DOG BITES RAMSAYS ENTIRE LOWER JAW AND STARTS TEARING HIS FACE OFF AS HE SCREAMS IN AGONY SHIT I GUESS THE ALT-RIGHT WERE RIGHT ABOUT OWNING DANGEROUS DOGS
AND THE REST OF THE DOGS RUN UP TO SHREAD HIS BODY AND SANSA GOES TO LEAVE BUT STAYS TO WATCH JUST A LITTLE MORE AS RAMSAYS FLESH IS TORN FROM HIS BODY AND HE GRUNTS AND SHRIEKS AS HE'S EATEN ALIVE
AND WHEN HE GOES SILENT SANSA JUST WALKS OFF AS THE DOGS BARK AND FIGHT AMONGST EACH OTHER OVER THEIR MASTERS BODY PARTS AND SHE GIVES A SATISFIED SMILE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 126
ooof alright on Ramsay's death, that was quite pottery and well done but I feel like maybe more could be done with it like *takes dick out* Sansa tries to turn HIM into Reek as she gets more and more fucked up and vengeful and everyone around her is like uhhhhh getting more and more uncomfortable with her or something like that it almost seems like such a relatively quick punishment isn't suitable in this universe for such an extremely over the top evil person but there you go and it wasn't very satisfying how they beat him either since he gets deus CIA machina'd(even though CIA is a power hungry selfish sociopath who would probably have just sided with Ramsay and given Sansa back lmao to cause conflict between him and King's Landing so he can weaken his two main rivals for most powerful group in Westeros but ok duuuuuuuuuuuude) and then Jon just whacks him with a shield because he decided to stand out in the open shooting arrows at him rather than like you know escape or not lock himself behind a wooden door a giant giant could punch through, perhaps a better way to beat him that has, you know, some fucking thematic weight in any way, would be like Jon beats Ramsay at his own mindgames like he already knows for a fact Rickon is dead so just shuts himself down emotionally like Ramsay usually is and lets him kill him without budging, or even has an archer kill him himself so he doesn't suffer, but then like brings out some other character with a claim to Roose's legacy or revealing Sansa had a son by him or even better yet Theon and to show he's just as ruthless and manipulative as Ramsay bargains to give him back or threatens to kill him and Ramsay is actually emotionally compromised by that as throughout the season you could show he was obsessed with getting his Reek back rather than literally never mention the most important character in his story he's had every scene with for 3 years straight which is what happened in the show and he makes himself vulnerable to manipulation letting Jon just like offer a parlay to give Reek back but then just have him shot in the back and then the Bolton army all lose their bottle and half just flee like Davos said they would without their leader and dude keeping them through fear loyal that never actually came into play at all in the show lmao leaving Jon to be able to fight and win an equal battle against the remaining forces which would show some... you know... character development on Jon's behalf since he is literally meant to be the Jesus Christ figure of the story by now from everything he's been through and retaining his morals and literally coming back to life but is still an utter utter IQlet brainlet fucking moron who gets easily manipulated into running to his death like everyone told him would happen over and over again but Ramsay was barely in this season since uh the conflict between him and Jon was very underwritten since as Sansa pointed out they only met once and their conflict was literally just Sansa telling Jon to go fight him and him failing to get many men while Ramsay sits on his ass not doing anything other than stabbing one homeless woman and having Rickon handed to him for free, Ramsay was really entertaining when he was just a sort of wildcard character doing insane things like Reeking Theon but he got gradually more and more Gary Stu'd to make him le super cool badass evil villain that can effortlessly win any conflict and just gets power handed to him for free like CIA marrying him Sansa seemingly as a meme, killing his dad to flawlessly take over his House, being literally given Rickon as a gift until he can't really function as a main antagonist because you know he'll just keep dabbing on everyone until some equally contrived force defeats him, it should have really been Roose who stayed in command until the very end and Ramsay was the psychopathic wildcard who'd be the one sent out to scare the other houses from following Jon or maybe even betraying his father to Jon butthurt he has a new son and thinks it's funny to force the man who's sister he raped to work with him to win his battle uhhh and the battle itself from an aesthetic point of view that one-shot sequence of Jon amongst the carnage was fucking hype as shit but from a logical point of view obviously Jon has insane plot armor on to survive two cavalries clashing right in front of him, Wun Wun didn't do anything other than kill two guys when he's basically like an adult fighting toddlers with sticks he could just charge into them and kill dozens at a time and make a huge opening for the Wildlings to flood through, the shield-wall trapping enemies I don't think was ever a real military tactic and formations like that were done for defensive reasons and not literally to surround and crush people especially when the men were spread so thin with only 4 guys thick not being able to take the wildlings probably just try to rush them by the hundreds at the gaps of the pile of corpses which also probably would not form that high as people would just move away from where people were dying and instead of trying to compress his enemies Ramsay could have just killed them all with more arrow volleys and I did fucking call it that some other army would swoop in and save them I was just expecting it to be the Tully army since Jaime did agree to let Brie have them and might have given them even if she failed to end the siege peacefully since that's what ended up happening anyway well this shit works in fantasy things in LOTR but I am pretty sure in real life you can't... you know... secretly move entire fucking armies a thousand miles with no one knowing, army's move slowly since they have to resupply so much and so often and the Bolton's would obviously have scouts all over their territory and would have someone riding back fast as fuck boi or sending a crow to warn them like days before this battle but it seems like Sansa went and got this army that'd take like a month to get there overnight lmao since we are well into fantasy trope bullshit where armies just appear out of nowhere for le surprise save the day and it shows how much the show changed just from last season, which was also no where near as good as the first four and full of meandering stupid plot lines like fucking Arya sweeping floors for a year and Jaime's sexy snake adventure but at least had some logical coherency where Stannis gets fucked in the head from letting his own daughter be killed and insists on fighting an obviously losing battle against the Bolton's in Winterfell and gets fucking destroyed and killed, to this season where they are out of books and what the show runners give us is Jon for some reason despite having no particular trauma other than perhaps literal braindamage from being literally dead insists on fighting an obviously losing battle against the Bolton's in Winterfell and... gets saved by le ebinnnnn deus ex machina despite being even fucking stupider than Stannis and running alone into an enemy cavalry charge lmao, so much for muh realistic consequences you know what should have happened? RAMSAY SHOULD HAVE FUCKING WON but the fucking brainlet normies who are the entire fanbase now need to have the mean man punished like in every other dumb tv show out there, oh well rip my husbundu from the very very very close by alternate reality where I am gay shame he never had any further interaction with Theon but that would involve some engaging writing so rip
Game of Thrones 6x10: "The Winds of Winter" ye olde 9/11 special edition
First aired: June 26, 2016
ok we open on Cersei looking out from the Red Keep at the Sept as it rings it's bells and we see Tommen and Marg being done up all fancy by their staff and the High Sparrow putting on his ratty robe and Tommen being given a fancy necklace and Marg's hair being braided all fancy by her handmaiden and Tommen having his crown put on his head and checking himself in the mirror and then we get some sad music that I think... is that the Rains of Castimere? uh oh, and the Sept starts filling up with people as we see 7 chairs in the centre for the 7 septons to judge Loras who we see cowering in a cell and being taken out by the sparrows and we see the High Sparrow coming into the Sept with his other 6 septons and looking over at Marg standing next to her father Mace Tyrell and Kevan Lannister and the High Sparrow looks around at all his followers and takes his seat with his six fellow judges
and Marg looks around or where her brother is and we see a servant telling Tommen the trial is underway and Cersei getting ready with a handmaiden putting on a fancy broach chain around her shoulders and Tommen sits there nervously and then we see Pycelle reading a piece of paper worried and fiddling to put his chain on as a whore asks "you got more money?" and he waves her away and then doddles down the stairs and then a little boy comes and whispers a secret to him and then in the Sept the High Sparrow sees... a very grumpy looking Loras being lead own and he looks mad over at Marg for convincing him to do this but he trusts her and stands in the centre of the Sept and the High Sparrow asks him if he's ready to profess his innocence and he says "there will be no need for a trial... I confess before the Seven and freely admit to my crimes" and the High Sparrow looks satisfied and asks "to which crimes will you be confessing?" and he says "all of them" and as the crowd murmurs in titillation he says "I lay with other men, including the traitor Renly Baratheon" which gets a big shocked gasp and fucking idiot Mace is even shocked by that and he adds "I perjured myself before the gods, I am guilty of depravity, dishonesty, profligacy and arrogance, I see that now" don't even know what the second last one is and he keeps cucking himself "I humble myself before the Seven and accept whatever punishment the gods deem just" ooooh you gonna get it alright and the High Sparrow tells everyone "the Gods' judgement is fierce but also fair" and goes on a dumb speech about the different gods and Loras gets the hint and kneels down and begs to be a servant of the Seven now he's unburdened him of his sins, which got me worried they were going to castrate him or something but I guess not, and Marg tries to hide her disgust at what they're doing to her brother just for being gay and he promises to abandon the Tyrell name and everything that goes with it and his father looks on shocked and appalled as his only son swears never to take inheritance or father children and the High Sparrow raises the crying mans face and asks if he'll fight for the Gods and he swears "I will" and there's some interesting imagery of the High Sparrow putting his hand on Loras head as he kneels before him as if he's about to suck his dick and then he motions for two sparrows to come and hold his arms while A SPARROW CARVES A HEPTAGRAM INTO LORAS FORHEAD FOR BEING GAYEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 127
and Mace actually has some fucking balls for once in his life and can't accept them disfiguring his son and rushes forward yelling "they cant do that!" but Kevan and Marg hold him back and she tells him "faith is the way Father" and he realizes it's hopeless and stands there cringing not wanting to look I like the Tyrell family since they could be some easy villains to rival the Lannisters in terms of shittery but they literally have not done anything wrong and the only person they've ever hurt is poisoning Joffrey and uh fuck him rofl and the High Sparrow watches a bit sad as he understands Loras must be in a lot of pain as he endures his scarification
and then the sad music starts up again as Cersei keeps getting dressed and Tommen stands up saying to himself "all right I'm ready" but when he turns around THE MOUNTAIN IS BLOCKING HIS WAY and he tells him "I have to go I'm late for the trial" but The Mountain puts his hands on his shoulder to stop him
and in the Sept Marg can't take anymore and says to the High Sparrow "you mutilated him... you gave me your word" and he says bluntly back "and I have kept my word once the Queen Mother's trial is concluded Brother Loras is free to leave" and Marg asks "and where is the Queen Mother?" and fucking Lancel who now looks even more identical to Loras goddamn it comes up and tells his master "her litter never left the Red Keep" wtf is a litter? the cuckcage things? and the High Sparrow pretends to find it funny that "it appears the Queen Mother doesn't wish to attend her own trial" and we see Cersei just pouring herself a jug of wine in her fancy futuristic dress and the High Sparrow orders Lancel "go to the Red Keep and show her the way" and he nods ok even though you'd think he'd worry about the not so little problem he ran into last time and request more men or something and the High Sparrow smiles to Marg who just looks sad that she's lost her brother one way or another, and Lancel leaves the Sept and sees a little boy running away suspiciously and he tells his boys to "get the others" as he looks down to where the kiddy ran off to and speaking of kids one of them is leading Pycelle into a dungeon that Lancel goes into the other entrance of and sees a little boy running away with a torch into the darkness and Pycelle turns around to see... Qyburn smirking at him and he asks "where's the king?" oh actually it seems Pycelle is in his office and he got the kid to tell him Tommen wanted to meet him and Qyburn smiles and says "elsewhere I'm afraid" and Pycell demands "what's the meaning of this? I was told that-" but then he gets the meaning of this and goes "ah, I have more important things to do with my time than waste them in the presence-" and goes to try to leave but Qyburn tells him "please Grand Maester I bear you no ill will...... please forgive me if you can" and looks behind him and Pycelle turns around to see... the little boy who led him down with a knife... and Loras chases his shota down the catacombs as Pycelle sees the laboratory fill up with street children with knives and Qyburn claims "this pains me my lord, whatever your faults you do not deserve to die alone in such a cold dark place, but sometimes before we can usher in the new... the old must be put to rest" and Pycelle sees another kid with a knife come out and Loras runs further into the bowels of the city until he finds a crawlspace to enter and PYCELLE SLAPS ONE OF THE KIDS BUT ALL THE OTHERS RUSH HIM AND DOGPILE HIM AND STABS THE FUCK OUTTA HIM
and under the city Loras... wait, FUCK I KEEP DOING IT FUCKING LANCEL FUCK THESE TWO FUCKERS AAAAAAA Lancel finds the thrown away torch of the little kid and picks it up and he calls out "the longer you wait the worse it'll be for you" but hen he sees... something odd... barrels of something lining every wall... like from Bran's vision and suddenly THE LITTLE KID STABS LANCEL AND RUNS OFF and some dramatic as fuck organ music starts up as the boy comes back and looks at Lancel twitching on the ground like a bitch, I guess he hit his spine or something. and he snarls "what are you doing?" but the boy just looks his body over and runs off and then in the Sept Marg is looking sadly at her brother who's face has his blood running all over it and Lancel looks at a barrel and sees... something green coming from it... and he looks down the catacomb and sees something illuminated in the distance... and he crawls towards it... and Cersei watches the Sept from the Red Keep as Lancel sees more and more glowing green stains on the barrels as he pulls himself along and Marg notices that Cersei aint arriving and sees her father and Kevan have noticed it too and she goes to tell the High Sparrow "there's something wrong" and he assures her "you have nothing to fear Your Grace the trial will begin shortly" but she explains getting scared "Cersei is not here, Tommen is not here, why do you think they are not here?" but High Sparrow aint getting it and tells her "if the accused is not here she will be tried regardless we cannot have her escape the justice of the Gods" but Marg drops the bullshit and snaps "forget about the bloody Gods and listen to what I'm telling you! Cersei understands the consequences of her absence and she is absent anyway which means she does not intend to sufer those consequences, the trial can wait, we all need to leave" and the High Sparrow gasps and shakes his head in disbelief as Lancel finds... a candle burning down almost all the way in a puddle of... some green liquid... and he realizes this aint right as he sees two more candles burning down and looks all around at the barrels full of green shit and starts crawling towards it
and Marg yells to everyone "we all need to leave now!" and the corwd starts to whisper and panic and she goes to pull Loras face to hers and tells him "stay with me" and escorts him out and the crowd all gets anxious and starts to want to leave to but the sparrows stop them and Marg demands "let me through, let me through, get out of my way!" as Kevan and Mace start to get scared as the crowd josstles them and the High Sparrow looks around confused as to what everyone's so worried about and Lo, no Lancel haha I'm going to do this to the end completely not as a joke or a gimmick Lancel crawls to the leaking barrels as Marg looks frightened at her father and the High Sparrow starts to look afraid too as he realizes something really isn't right but he cant quite place it and Lancel gets to the candle and Marg and Lancel no aaa Loras make eye contact
and before L... Lancel can blow out the candle he sees THE FLAME IGNITES THE GREEN LIQUID... AND LANCEL'S EYES GO WIDE AS BRIGHT GREEN FILLS THEM AND HE RECOGNIZES FROM THE BATTLE OF BLACKWATER BAY...
CAUSESING A CHAIN REACTION TRIGGERING ALL THE BARRELS OF WILDFIRE UNDER THE CATACOMBS FILLING THEM WITH BLASTING BRIGHT GREEN FLAMES THAT MAKE A HOWLING SOUND LIKE SCREAMING MEN
AS CERSEI LOOKS ON FROM THE RED KEEP WEARING HER FASHY AS FUCK OUTFIT WITH A SATISFIED SMILE AS SHE HEARS THE PEOPLE OF KING'S LANDING HOWL IN HORROR AS THEIR CITY IS ENGULFED IN SMOKE
AND SHE JUST CASUALLY SIPS HER WINE AS THE RUMBLE OF COLLAPSING BUILDINGS ECHOS THROUGHOUT THE AREA AND SHE WALKS OF AS A MUSHROOM CLOUD OF GREY DUST FLOATS INTO THE AIR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 129
and Tommen looks out the window in shock but when The Mountain leaves he realizes... it was his mother... his own mother just murdered his fucking wife, his brother in law, his father in law, his great uncle, his cousin once removed, his spiritual mentor and hundreds of innocent people all for him...
and then we see Septa Unella being woken up by having wine poured on her face and she wakes up with a start to find herself strapped to a table and Cersei says "confess" oh nonononono "confess... confess" and Unella begs "no" as Cersei water boards her by pouring more wine over her face and Cersei starts tracing her hands up and down Unella's body giving a speech "confess: it felt good, beating me, starving me, frightening me, humiliating me, you didn't do it because you cared about my atonement, you did it because it felt good
I understand! I do things because they feel good... I drink because it feels good...I killed my husband because it felt good to be rid of him... I fuck my brother because it feels good to feel him inside me... I lie about fucking my brother... because it feels good to keep our son safe from hateful hypocrites... I killed your High Sparrow... and all his little sparrows... all his septons, all his septas, all his filthy soldiers, because it felt good to watch them burn! it felt good to imagine their shock and their pain! no thought has ever given me greater joy!"
and she cant stop herself from showing an almost orgasmic reaction as she holds Unella's terrified hand and she giggles and says "even confessing feels good under the right circumstances" as she starts holding Unella's face and notes "you've always been quiet...... I said my face would be the last thing you see before you died, do you remember?" and Unella says "good... I'm glad to see your face... I'm ready to meet the gods" and Cersei instantly asks "what?! now? today?" and Unella looks confused as Cersei tells her "you're not going to die today... you're not going to die for quite a while" with a malicious sing song and smirk to her as if Ramsay's edgy baton has been passed to a new edgemaster supreme
and Unella gets shook as Cersei orders "Ser Gregor" and Unella looks up to see The Mountain thumping up and Cersei explains "this is Ser Gregor Clegane, he's quiet too!" and Unella looks up to see Gregor... take off his helmet... as he stands in the shadows... with bits of his ear clearly rotten off... and Cersei taunts her "your gods have forsaken you, this is your god now" as THE MOUNTAIN STEPS INTO THE LIGHT SHOWING HIS NECROTIC DEAD ROTTING FACE
and he puts his helmet down and Unella begs "no!" and starts to struggle against her bonds as she begs "no! hhaannnnaaah" as Cersei just calls out "shame!... shame!... shame!... shame!" and closes the dungeon door on her as THE MOUNTAIN PRESUMABLY RAPES HER AS SHE SHRIEKS IN TERROREDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 130 but it's not confirmed that's what happens so I won't give him a credit for that rape since I don't know if Gregor can even get it up anymore as he seems to be a walking corpse but according to Qyburn he still understands whats going on so could probably follow Cersei's orders to torture the fuck outta her like he used to do, hopefully we get to see Unella getting tortured for all of season 7 for max edge
then we cut to Tommen who's servant is telling him "I'm very sorry Your Grace... very sorry" but Tommen doesn't reply so the secret just leaves the like 15 year old boy King staring out his window at the massive plume of smoke emanating from the cite of his worlds first fucking terrorist attack that just took everything from him other than his evil mother who's going to control him for his entire life and Tommen takes the crown off his head as he hears his citizens still screaming in sorrow and goes and puts it down off-screen (which is a nice touch of realism since you might think lol why do that if you're aboit to top yourself but in real life people in fact very frequently don't snap out of ordinary habits like putting items where they belong or cleaning up after themselves as they're about to end it all probably because it's just automatic and they're too busy thinking about a certain other thing) and walks back to the window and TOMMEN JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW, KILLING HIMSELF!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 131
I TRIED SO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!! AND GOT SO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MAAAATTEEEER!!! I HAD TO FALL!!! TO LOSE IT ALL!!! BUT IN THE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND IT DOESN'T EVEN MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEER!!!
I actually do like this after all Cersei did for her one remaining son, damning herself forever, and now it's all for nothing because her son was literally the only soft natured person in all of King's Landing and couldn't cope with hundreds of his own citizens being murdered in his name and being left with no one but his horrible mother, quite the pottery, obviously this whole bombing meme is fucking retarded and you'd think Jamie or someone would tell anyone what the Mad King was planning or that he could set it up without anyone else knowing or no one would find all these barrels in all these years or Cersei could set it up without being caught but whatever we're well into meme territory now after the extremely contrived and lazy Battle of the Bastards might as well get some good waifus out of this as for the casualties uhhhh Kevan was a complete non-character, Lorano Ioh gjhg oh my god even in death Lancel was always a meme side character but it's cool they gave him that moment where even though he was crippled he was still fighting to save his city so he actually died a hero, Mace was a meme but at least got one good moment where he at least spoke up for his son in one moment of weakness/bravery, Pycelle I feel they could have done more with like him getting caught faking being so old or something, Loras was pretty good for a gay character on TV who are usually extremely stereotypical but he had some good material with Renly and the pimp guy, Marg was a very good character I wasn't your typical oh I will le seduuuuce you character I thought she was going to be and actually had real worries and real fears and only manipulated people for the sake of her family and because that's how her grandmother raised her to make the best out of the weird shitty situation of being a Lady (also I just learned that she isn't actually always smirking it's that the actress actually has congenital paralysis of her facial nerves lmao so all this time I've been thinking she might have a smug darker side it's just that Natalie Dorner literally cannot move half of her face very much because she's disabled uhhhh sorry, reminds me of how Audrey Plaza claimed on a talk show that she had a stroke and that's why she can't animate her face very much but I think that might have been a bit) and the High Sparrow was a cool character to add to the mix as the one honest person in the city although the whole religion angle was very underwritten and poorly integrated like you'd think there'd be some ideas of religious conflict that we almost got with The Hound storyline and it would have been nice to give him some more material than just talking to the same three characters over the course of 2 seasons like maybe get him involved in the conflict with Dorne or the Bolton's to see how he'd handle that but all these storylines are either completely MIA or quarantined from each other oh well rip
and very ironically we hear "for the Lannisters! hear me roar!" being screamed at... the Twin Towers, as Walder Frey is hosting a party for the Lannister army to celebrate getting him Riverrun back from the Tully's again and he cheers "for House Frey! may we stand together through the centuries good friends to the last! and when we drive our swords through our enemies hearts may we speak the words of our alliance "the Frey's and the Lannisters send their regards!"" and everyone cheers remembering the Red Wedding and then we see Bronn bring poured a drink by a sexy barmaid who ogles Jaime and Bronn whines "you don't even have to do anything do ya? you just sit there, a rich slab of beef, and all the birds come pecking" and Jaime looks around not even noticing she was looking at him since he's secretly an incestcel who's never bothered to learn anything about women other than his own sister lmao and Bronn moans about how "she doesn't want me she wants your golden fingers up her twat" and he tries to tell him two giggling girls are eyeing him but he whines "they have their eyes on you cunt!" and Jaime quips "they're not my type" and Bronn instantly calls him out "not blonde enough?" and Jaime looks him straight in the eye as if to say watch it mate but then calls over "ladies! have you met Ser Bronn of the Blackwater! hero of the Battle of Blackwater Bay?" oh I guess it is public knowledge Bronn fired that arrow, although wildfire is about to become a lot less publicly acceptable down South rofl, and Bronn gets offended at taking his pity pussy and claims "what if I'm not in the mood?" but then looks at the girls and decides "fuck it!" and goes off with them as Jaime sits there insecure about how everyone knows about him and Cersei but Walder Frey comes up and they chat about how Tywin would be pleased about all this and he tells him "Edmure's back in the cell, can't go killing my son by law it wouldn't be right... give the family a bad name!" as he sips his wine and mocks the Blackfish for dying to footsoldiers and Jaime takes offence at him mocking a man who gave up everything to protect his son and a man who died fighting to the last second and asks "have you done much fighting yourself Lord Frey?" and he grumbles "I'm a bit old or all that" and Jaime clarifies "no back in the day?" and Frey pants out "the purpose of fighting is to defeat your enemies right? I've defeated mine!" and Jaime drolls "ah yes, you're a great conqueror" and Frey snaps "go on mock me boy, you think I mind?! the Tullys mocked me for years, The Starks mocked me, where are they now? you talk about fighting as if you're an expert but the one battle I remember you fighting you were captured by Robb Stark the Young Wolf... but it doesn't matter, here we are now, two Kingslayers! we know what it's like to have them grovel to our faces and snigger behind our backs but we don't mind do we? fear is a marvellous thing" and Jaime just tells him "they don't fear the Freys though, they fear the Lannisters" and spells out how much they need him and storms off in a huff and Frey looks around like wtf is his fucking problem
and then with Qyburn and Cersei... over Tommen's dead body... she murmurs "show me" and he tries to avoid it but she insists and unveils her sons destroyed corpse and Cersei stares at it forcing the last bits of her humanity to wither and die and he asks "what are your thoughts concerning the king's funeral? as the Sept of Baelor is no longer an option perhaps a ceremony in the throne room?" and Cersei manages to say "he should be with his grandfather, his brother, his sister" as she lists everyone else that's been taken from her by murder and now Tommen is technically the latest killer to that list and Qyburn looks confused since they were buried in the Sept but she explains "burn him... and bury his ashes where the Sept once stood"
then in the countryside we see Sam and Gilly and lil Sam hitching a ride on a cart finally getting to Oldtown and looking at the Citadel that has a flaming beacon on top of it to represent knowledge I guess and has loads of birds I guess being trained to deliver messages flocking around it and all three of them look up in amazement, I assume this was inspired by the Lighthouse of Alexandria since GRRM doesn't actually invent anything and just copy and pastes from very basic European history that dumb Americans have never haerd of
and inside the Citadel Sam arrives to find a maester in white robes so I guess still in training using ye olde glasses to read a book and tries to sign himself up with a letter from Jon and the man just sits there waiting for Sam to bend all the way over his desk to give it to him very awkwardly and he opens up a big book and looks something up very slowly and tells him Mormont is the commander but Sam explains Aemon passed away and that's why he's there and the trainee maester is like "uh this is irregular" and Sam gives a big smile and says "yes well I suppose life is irregular" so he just says "the archmaester will discuss this irregularity with you" and lets him use the library but snaps "no women or children!" and Sam looks sorry as he leaves Gilly there to waddle excited through the biggest library in the world touching all the books and when he gets to the centre of the building he finds THE ENTIRE CITIDEL IS ONE BIG LIBRARY and he looks up super happy like he's that much of a dork
then in Winterfell we see a dove flying there as Jon stands at the shitty little basic throne there thinking of all the memories in that room as he talks to the Red Lady about his family feasts taking place there and how he'd have to sit all the way at the other end of the room and she reminds him he's luckier than most who don't get feasts or maybe even a family and then Davos comes up and just straight up tosses the burnt toy stag at her and demands "tell him, tell him who it belonged to" and the Red Lady looks shook and admits "the Princess Shireen" and Davos snaps "tell him what you did to her... TELL HIM!!!" and she admits "we burned her at the stake" and Jon looks like hes about to vomit as Davos tries to control himself from crying and the Red Lady fiddles anxiously with the toy and then starts ranting "the army was trapped! the horses were dying! it was the only way!" and Davos yells "you burned a little girl alive!" and the Red Lady yells back "I only do what my Lord commands!" as if she wants to believe it herself more than make them believe it and Davos screams "IF HE COMMANDS YOU TO BURN CHILDREN, YOUR LORD IS EVIL!" THEIST BRAINLET STATUS: BLOWN THE FUCK OUT BY BASED ATHEISM
and the Red Lady cant believe he'd blaspheme against her only reason to keep going after like 100 years and tells him "we are standing here because of him, Jon Snow is alive because the Lord willed it" but Davos starts crying "I loved that girl! like she was my own! she was good! she was kind! AND YOU KILLED HER!" and the Red Lady reveals "so did her father, so did her mother, her own blood knew it was the only way!" and Davos has his heart broken as his love for Stannis dies and he cries "the only way for what? they all died anyway! you told everyone Stannis was the one you had him believing it all of them fooled and you lied" but she snaps "I didn't lie! I was wrong" and Davos is like "aye you were wrong, how many died because you were wrong?" and there's an extremely awkward silence until Davos goes "I ask your leave to execute this woman for murder, she admits to the crime!" and the Red Lady looks serious at Jon like he needs her and Jon asks "do you have anything to say for yourself?" and she says "I've been ready to die for many years... if the Lord was one with me so be it but he's not you've seen the Night King, Jon snow, you know the great war is yet to come, you know the army of the dead will be upon us soon and you know I can help you win that war" and Jon looks sad as he knows she's probably right and walks up to her and tells her "ride south today, if you return to the North I'll have you hanged as a murderer" and Davos bites his tongue as he respects Jon and the Red Lady puts the toy down and walks out but Davos stops her and tells her "if you ever come back this way I will execute you myself" trying to control his rage and the Red Lady just looks at him blankly like she's heard it aaaaaaaall before and then rides off into the snow as Jon watches her go (ok that was a very American TV thing to happen, last episode someone discovers someone's secret and then doesn't do anything about it just for cheap tension and when they finally confront them there's no actual consequences and just a falling out, I get it's in-character for a smart and honerable man like Davos to leave it until after the battle but there was really no reason to have him discover it before the battle than free cliffhanger material)
and then Sansa walks out beside him and he tells her she's getting their parents room but she offers it to him and he says "I'm not a Stark" but she assures him "you are to me" but he tells her "you're the Lady of Winterfell, we only won because of you" and they discuss what to do with CIA and Sansa tells him "only a fool would trust Littlefinger" and apologizes for keeping it all secret (for forced TV show tension) and Jon tells her they need to work together against all their enemies and kisses his half-sister on the forehead and Sansa tells him that a white raven came from the Citadel, which I guess is what Sam saw being let out, which means "Winter is Here™" and they both laugh and look up at the snow and Jon quips "well father always promised didn't he?" ah finally the reddit memes are paying off
then in Dorne we see Lady Tyrell meeting with Elly to discuss their mutual enemy as Cersei just killed her entire fucking family lmao and she teases Elly and three Sand Snakes "the last time a Tyrell came to Dorne he was assassinated, 100 red scorpions was it?" edgyyyyy and Elly assures her she has nothing to fear but she points out "you murder your own prince but you expect me to trust you?" yeah really makes ya think and Obara explains they need each other and Lady Tyrell just quips "what was your name again? Barbaro?" lmaoooooooooooo and the asian one tries to stifle a laugh as Tyrell says "you look like an angry little boy, don't presume to tell me what I need"
and the asian one gives a huge grin like she loves this old woman already and tries to charm her by saying "please forgive my sister what she lacks in diplomacy she makes u-" but Lady Tyrell cuts her off saying "do shut up dear, anything from you?" and the third who I think is a new actress or at least new character and not le bad poooosaaaay girl opens her mouth and Lady Tyrell instantly says "no? good! let the grown women speak" and Elly explains they need to team-up to survive the Lannisters who are down to just the twins and Lady Tyrell starts almost crying "Cersei stole the future from me, she killed my son, she killed my grandson, she killed my granddaughter, survival is not what I'm after"
and Elly says "you're absolutely right, I chose the wrong words, it's not survival I offer, it is your heart's desire" and rings a dinner bell and Lady Tyrell asks "and what is my heart's desire?" and Elly says "vengeance, justice" and Lady Tyrell looks up to see VARYS WALKING OUT WHO OFFERS "FIRE AND BLOOD" aaaaaaaaawww shit so it's Dany + Yara + Elly + Lady Tyrell vs Cersei and Jon begging everyone not to kill each other and fight the Night King for season 7 is it rofl
and in Meereen Daario tells Dany "your ships are nearly ready" and he makes small talk about the Dothraki not liking sea travel but Dany tells him "you're not coming with us" OH THANK GOD GET THIS FUCKING SHIT NEW ACTOR AND SHIT WHITE KNIGHT CHARACTER THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW and he asks if she wants the Second Sons attacking from the south or something but she tells him "you're not going to Westeros, you're staying here with the Second Sons, there is finally peace in Meereen, you will keep the peace while the people choose their own leaders" as she smiles with that demented look like she's 100% convinced she's got the right idea an Daario snaps "fuck Meereen! fuck the people! I'm here for you not them" but she reminds him he swore to obey and he looks super shook he aint gettin that pussy anymore as she explains she'll need to marry a new man in Westeros and can't be having a lover but he points out "a king wouldn't think twice about it!" and she teases "that's what you want to be, my mistress?" m-maybe the other way around and Daario insists he doesn't care what perfumed aristocrat she marries "I want you... I love you... and I make you happy... you know I do, bring me with you, let me fight for you" and looks deep into her eyes and she looks back and looks sad telling him "I cant" touching his face one last time yes yes yesyesyeysyse you shit character go away and Daario worries "the dwarf told you to do this" and then starts whining about how he'll never find another woman like her but she assures him he'll have a great number of women and then tells him he'll have specific orders for Meereen and the renamed Bay of Dragons as they cant call it Slaver's Bay anymore and he assures her she'll get the throne and hopes it makes her happy and drinks some wine and tells her "I pity the Lord of Westeros, they have no idea what's coming for them" and she bids him farewell and he bows and leaves before he gets any more upset wait so how the fuck is Daario, the extremely hedonistic and impulsive mercenary commander who's first impulse is to just kill shit, going to successfully lead a city of freed slaves and former masters? ah fuck it, you were only good in season 3 and only because the actor was so ridiculously over doing it you were a funny unhinged Chad character but then were just an ultra generic badboy with a heart of gold get fucked and dont come back
then in the throne room it turns out Tyrion did indeed already know and they discuss how hard that was and he compliments her hard decision making but she says thats no consolation and sits down beside him in the empty throne room as if the Unsullied are already clearing out and Tyrion tries "how about the fact that this is actually happening? you have your armies, you have your ships, you have your dragons, everything you've ever wanted since you were old enough to want anything, it's all yours for the taking, are you afraid?" and Dany gives a nod and he warns her "good, you're in the great game now, and the great game's terrifying, the only people who aren't afraid of failure are madmen like your father" and she looks at him rustled and asks "do you know what frigthens me? I said farewell to a man that loves me, a man I thought I cared for... and I felt nothing, just impatient to get on with it"GOOD HE WAS A SHIT CHARACTER and Tyrion assures her "he wont be the first to love you and he wont be the last" as if he's falling for her too and yeah here we go he starts talking about how he never believed in anything and was always a cynic about everything people told him to have faith in "but here I am, I believe in you, it's embarrassing really, I'd swear you my sword but I don't actually carry a sword" and swears her his counsel anyway as he stands on a step so they can look eye to eye and Dany takes out a broach (that she says "I tried to get it to look the same" as if it's not literally the same prop lol) and pins it on him... "Tyrion Lannister... I name you Hand of the Queen" and his eyes swell up in tears as when he was Hand that was his proudest but now he gets to do it again for a good cause
then with Walder Frey we see him sipping more wine when a sexy maid brings him more pie and he grumbles "you're not one of mine are you?" and she says "no my lord" and Frey ogles her arse saying "didn't think so... too pretty" and SLAPS HER ARSE and snaps "where are my damn moron sons? Black Walder and Lothar promised to be here by midday!" and the girl tells him innocently "they're here my lord" and he snarls "well what are they doing trimming their cunt hairs?" ebin "tell em to come here now" and the girl says "but they're already here my lord" and she swallows his wine and looks around confused and she says "heeere... my lord" and offers him the pie he's eating and he looks down confused and lifts up the crust revealing A HUMAN TOE IN HIS PIE
and the girl tells him "they weren't easy to carve, especially Black Walder" and Frey starts hyperventilating and panicking and going "wh...wh...what" and THE SERVANT GIRL TAKES HER FACE MASK OFF TO REVEAL...
*MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME MUSIC STARTS UP* "MY NAME IS ARYA STARK, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, THE LAST THING YOU'RE EVER GOING TO SEE IS A STARK SMILING DOWN AT YOU AS YOU DIE"
AND THE TERRIFIED WALDER FREY TRIES TO RUN BUT ARYA PULLS HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT AND SLITS HIS THROAT AND HOLDS HIS HEAD BACK AS HE BLEEDS TO DEATH FLAILING AROUND IN HORROR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 132
obviously we're at the point where all logical cohesion has broken down where Arya is now a master assassin after training only with a staff and capable of making her own magic masks somehow and altering her voice perfectly somehow and used her magic stealth abilities to... kill his two sons... and somehow... cook them into pies? and do this while a huge party is going on in the castle? where did she do this? and when? fucking what? but whatever, I guess this is also evoking the horror story Bran told the cripple crew about the rat man or whatever that I think went a King was rude to him so he fed him his own children so the Gods turned him into rat monster that could only eat his own children for the sin of killing a guest at his own table which is the sin that Walder Frey committed and the punishment he was given, well, he wasn't turned into a rat but he had to eat his own kids, but that's also the original sin of the rat man so maybe it implies Arya is sinful too even though the main sin was killing a dinner guest but maybe that story is where she got the idea from because Bran told it to her before
then we see CIA walking up to Sansa by that big white holy tree we saw Ned cleaning his sword under and the pond he was by is frozen over now as Winter is Here™ and he says "forgive me my lady if you're at prayer" but Sansa has taken on Davos edgy fedora ways and says "I'm done with all that" and talks to him about how as a little girl she was praying because she was ungrateful and demands to know what CIA wants and he plays all coy as there's some pretty pretty color pallet thing going on with Sansa's hair and the tree's red leafs as she listens to CIA talk a bunch of autism about how he makes all his decisions based around manifesting one mental picture which is "a picture of me on the Iron Throne... and you by my side" and Sansa looks weirded out as CIA leans in to kiss her but SANSA STOPS CIA FROM KISSING HER LMAO BACK INTO THE FRIENDZONE BETA!!! and he immediately gets to work manipulating her saying "word will spread throughout the Seven Kingdoms of this battle, I've declared for House Stark for all to hear" but she points out he'll always serve himself but he assures her it's time to look to the future and the North needs to rally behind her not Jon and she cant handle any more of his manipulations and walks off as he looks off into the woods dramatically
and we find uhhh what his name Bran's uncle doing the same thing and he tells him and Meera "this is where I leave ya" as, ah yes, Benjin is it? explains "The Wall is not just ice and stone, ancient spells were carved into it's foundations, strong magic, to protect men from what lies beyond, and while it stands the dead cannot pass... I cannot pass" woah he is a half-zombie dude, and he carries Bran over to one of the white holy trees and Meera asks "where will you go?" and he says "a great war is coming, and I still fight for the living, I'll do what I can... as long as I can" and Bran says "thank you Uncle Benjen" and he tells them "I wish you both good fortune" and rides off and Meera looks after him amazed she just met a friendly zombie and Bran looks over at the crying face on the white holy tree and then doubles over in pain and Meera helps him beside it and as he goes to touch it asks "are you sure you're ready for this?" and Bran says "I'm the Three-Eyed Raven now, I have to be ready for this" as he makes contact and... instantly wargs out and sees... Ned running up to the castle in the flashback hearing his sister screaming, looking back at Bran watching him and not seeing anyone, and Bran following his father up the stairs to find... Lyanna in bed... bleeding profusely from her belly, and Ned assures her "no I'm not a dream, I'm here, right here" and she pants "I missed you big brother" and he tries to keep it together saying "I missed you to" and she cries "I want to be brave" and he assures her "you are" and she shows him how much blood there is and says "I'm not, I don't want to die" but he protects her one last time assuring him "you're not going to die" and yells for water but she demands "listen to me Ned!" and whispers a secret in his ear saying "if Robert finds out he'll... you know he will, you have to protect him, promise me Ned... promise me"
and Ned realizes... there's a baby being handed to him... and his dying mother begs "promise me Ned promise me" and Bran watches him hold a baby with a very recognizable dopey expression (similar to the glazed look american babies get when they're circumcised which is indicative of braindamage lmao) and we cut to...
JON SNOW, REVEALING THAT HE IS ACTUALLY LYANNA'S SONand I take it not also still Ned's lmao bit too much incest even for this show and I guess the meme is his father is the Mad King so he's actually a Targ bastard if anything
and in the modern day he's sitting in Winterfell listening to all these Lords bicker amongst themselves where that dickhead Vale Lord guy is yelling they can't side with Wildling invaders but Tormund insists "we didn't invade, we were invited!" and Jon tries to assure all the squabbling men they all fought together but a Northerner stands up and says the Bolton's are gone and Winter is Here™ so they all can just go home now but Jon warns "the war is not over, and I promise you friend the true enemy won't wait out the storm, he brings the storm" and everyone mutters like wtf is going on and Jon notices CIA is the only one not worried and then the little loli Lady Mormont stands up and gives a speech "your son was butchered at the Red Wedding, Lord Manderly, but you refused the call... you swore allegiance to House Stark, Lord Clover, but in their hour of greatest need you refused the call! and you, Lord Cerwyn, your father was skinned alive by Ramsay Bolton! still! you refused the call! but House Mormont remembers, the North remembers! we know no king but the King in the North who's name is Stark! I don't care if he's a bastard Ned Stark's blood runs through his veins, he's my king until his last day!" and everyone realizes they just got dabbed on by a 10 year old girl
and Davos looks proud and everyone mutters in agreement and the Lord Manderly stands up... and agrees with her, admitting he was wrong, and praises Jon for avenging the Red Wedding and he draws his sword and announces him the White Wolf The King Of the North and another Lord admits he regrets not fighting with him and begs forgiveness and Jon lets him off with it and he announces House Glover will stand behind House Stark and draws his sword to pledge himself like everyone did to Robb and everyone draws their swords and starts chanting The King in the North! and Davos stands up and joins in and Jon stands up realizing uhhh this is awkward as he looks down at his sister who should really lead but he's got no choice now as everyone is going apeshit for him and she just smiles like of of curse it wouldn't be her and CIA glances over at her as if he's trying to tell her she can still have power
and with Jaime and Bronn returning to King's Landing they look down to see... THE SMOKING WRECKAGE OF THE SEPT and Jaime looks terrified at Bronn as they ride down
and he arrives just in time to see Cersei looking flashy fashy fash fly as fuck being walked by The Mountain and the other Kingsguard down a throne room full of Lannister soldiers keeping the crowd behind them as she approaches the throne and Jaime watches like this is so surreal as Qyburn announces "I now proclaim Cersei of the House Lannister... First of her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms" and dank violin music starts up as Qyburn puts a nice little crown on her head and she looks down sad and angry as she thinks about how almost everyone in her family had to die for this but looks up ahead like she'll use that anger to destroy anyone in her way and CERSEI SITS ON THE IRON THRONE AS THE NEW QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS
also note this image is the 1776th screencap very epic history synchronicity http://rubycalaber.com/img/GoT/maga.jpg and she fires Jaime a sly look like she's so proud of herself but as soon as she sees he's... scared... her face just drops like she's got nothing left to lose and will fuck him over the nanosecond he tries anything and Qyburn calls "long may she reign!" and the crowd all yells "long may she reign!" as we pan back through the throne room alright I love Cersei and everything but... ISN'T IT FUCKING OBVIOUS SHE WAS THE ONE WHO BLEW UP THE SEPT? WHAT THE... THAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE... she just killed... not only what must have been at least a few hundred innocent people but the city's beloved holy leader, the city's beloved queen, the most powerful Lannister, the legal head of the Tyrell family and the beloved King is found dead in front of his palace...... how the fuck is anyone letting Cersei be Queen? what? isn't it... isn't it obvious it was her? she's a fucking terrorist what the fuck, and how is she even legally Queen? wouldn't it be... Jaime? I thought this culture didn't have actual ruling Queens? Cersei literally just murdered every other power player so now she's in charge? this is like the fucking climax of this seasons retarded fucking trope of like you kill your relative the leader so you get to be the leader, Elly killed Doran for Dorne, Euron killed Balon for the Iron Islands, Ramsay killed Roose for the Bolton name, Dany killed the Dothraki leaders for their army, and everyone just goes along with this when all four of these murders were public knowledge... BUT CERSEI JUST DID A FUCKING TERROR ATTACK MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TO NOT HAVE TO FACE TRIAL FOR FUCKING HER OWN BROTHER AND AT BEST THE KING FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF OVER IT SO THEY MAKE HER QUEEN? YAAAAAAAAAA FUUUUUUUUUUUCKIIIIIIIIIIIIN WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT MMMMMMMM888888888888888888888????????????? I guess all the extras in King's Landing really are NPCs and just do whatever needs to be done to get this retarded plot going but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuude I just hope Cersei is the final boss of the show
speaking of dumb storylines we cut to the Ironborn kraken flag being flown on a ship and Theon looking up at it like he's a bit proud and looks around with Yara at their crew and we cut to a ship, I guess the seized Master's boat, that has been given a dragon masthead and the Targaryan sigil on it's sail that has Unsullied shields lining it and Grey Worm looks out to see as all his men stand in formation on board but that's just one of the ships there is a fleet of hundreds and we see the shadow of a huge dragon overhead and we see the Dothraki struggling to learn how to work on a boat but getting the idea as their horses are on board and we see DROGON FLYING OVERHEAD AND GOING DOWN TO THE WATER TO LET HIS WINGS SKIM THE OCEAN AND HIS TWO BROTHERS FLY ALONG WITH HIM UP TO THE LEAD SHIP
and we see Dany, Tyrion, Missy and Varys who's somehow back with them and hasn't had a single exchange of dialog with Dany lmao staring out ahead to the horrizon and the dragons all fly at the camera giving us a cheeky reee thank fucking god this fucking Dany in Essos storyline is over after SIX FUCKING SEASONS UUUUUUAGHGGHUAGUHGUHUHGHHUG
alright so this season was the first time deviating completely from the books and the show goes STRAIGHT TO FUCKING SHIT, what a weird coincidence, reminds me of, dare I say it, anime, where to not get ahead of the manga they would have barely-canon filler episodes like when Goku and Piccolo get their fucking drivers licences, or just have to say fuck it and come up with their own stories, presumably with limited help from the author who might not work with them at all or just give them general tips as he's too busy with the manga, and the story deviates and ends up getting completely retarded as people handling someone else's characters don't know where to take them, which is what you HAVE to do with live action where you're planning the logistics of these big sets and special effects months in advanced and getting actors to sign contracts for years and shit and cant just spin your wheels indefinitely until the author gets their shit published and since big boy GRRM publishes a lot fucking slower than an issue a week or month and is more like publishing a book once a fucking decade at this rate the second half of this show is like some real dumb anime shit constantly where everyone and everything become black and white LOTR goody vs baddy fodder while still pretending to be deep political intrigue with le ebin twists you wouldn't le see coming and the plot stagnates where the first four seasons each had fairly unique storylines for most of the cast, but season 5 and 6 are pretty samey, e.g. Cersei dealing with the High Sparrow and Arya training with the Faceless Men, can't believe people had to wait 2 years to watch that shit move at a snails pace and it makes all the shows worst aspects spread further like everyone who interacts with Dany becomes boring from contamination - oh boy another scene where Tyrion... sits about drinking... ebiccc and it goes from the first four seasons where it feels like everyone "earned" their deaths from making mistakes (other than le chosen one Dany) but now everyone either has protagonist plot armor that will always be saved by an outside force or got stabbed because the writers were lazy and couldn't find out a more subtle way for someone to usurp their leadership from them, time to see how fucking bad season 7 is lmao
Game of Thrones 7x01: "Dragonstone" drinking the kool-aid special edition
First aired: July 16, 2017
you want to know how I know this show has gone straight to the normies? THIS SEASON BEGINS WITH A "PREVIOUSLY ON GAMES OF THRONES" SEGMENT THAT'S TWO AND A HALF MINUTES LONG BECAUSE THIS SHOW HAS GOTTEN SO BAD IT'S NOW FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T WATCHED THE FIST 6 SEASONS EVEN THOUGH THE PLOT IS SO DENSE BY NOW THE SEGMENT IS COMPLETELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE EVEN IF YOU JUST WATCHED IT ALL IN THE SPACE OF A MONTH LIKE I DID LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ok we open on... Walder Frey? who is in his dinner hall and slams his cup to get everyone to shut up and gives a speech about how despite just having a feast only two weeks ago he has "gathered every Frey who means a damn thing to me" to explain his plans for the future but first a toast and has maids pour them a drink that he declares aint no Dornish horse piss but the good good stuff and gets everyone to stand as he raises his cup and everyone calls "stand together!" and he smiles as they all drink their wine... but he doesn't drink... and his loli wife goes to drink but he snaps "not you, I'm not wasting good wine on a damn woman" and she looks sad and puts it down and Walder admits "maybe I'm not the most pleasant man, I'll admit it, but I'm proud of you lot, you're my family, the men who helped me slaughter the Starks at the Red Wedding" and the men all cheer and laugh remembering that and Walder goes on "ah yes cheer, brave men all of you, butchered a woman pregnant with her babe... cut the throat of a mother of five... slaughtered your guests after inviting them into your home... but you didn't slaughter every one of the Starks... no no that was your mistake" and the men all get super awkward not knowing what their leader is trying to say but then... the Frey men start coughing and groaning as Frey tells them "you should have ripped them out root and stem, leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe" as THE ENTIRE FREY CLAN STARTS HAEMORRHAGING BLOOD OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS AND FLAIL AROUND DYING AS THE WINE WAS POISONED
but they got me for a bit I thought it was a flashback but these fucking facemasks just fuck the whole story up as now anyone can be anyone else literally like a goofy Tom Cruise movie, anyway the somehow two feet taller Arya tells the loli wife "when people ask you what happened here... tell them the North remembers, tell them winter came for House Frey" and walks off leaving the stunned girl as she walks through the entire mess hall full of the clan that killed her family in that very room 4 years ago so let me get this straight ARYA JUST COMMITTED GENOCIDE?EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 133
we open on a shot of an empty misty frosted field... but then a big cloud in the distance comes floating through... and in the center is a horse rider... who disappears within it but it keeps coming at the camera... and we see him again... and the whole screen goes white.... and we see the blue eyes of THE NIGHT KING... HIS WHITE WALKERS...
and Bran snaps out of his vision of this as a door to The Wall is opening and Edd walks out and asks "you wildlings?" and Meera introduces who they are and Edd asks "how do I know that's true?" and Bran, who has some level of omnipotence now, tells him all the places north of The Wall Edd has been and warns him "you've seen the Night King, he's coming for us, all of us" and Edd bricks it and orders his few remaining men to get the kids inside, and he looks out into the North half expecting to see the dead right now
then with Jon in Winterfell he is ordering all his Lords that Dragonglass is now the most important resource they have, every 10 to 60 year old needs to start digging for it, oh I guess it is just a naturally occurring mineral and not literally glass made by dragons breath, and it's not just the boys "we can't defend the North if only half the population is fighting" as he looks at Brie and one of the Lords asks "you expect me to put a spear in my granddaughters hands?" but Lady Mormont stands up and claps back "I don't plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me, I might be small, and I might be a girl, Lord Glover, but I am every bit as much a Northerner as you" yaaaaas queeeeen except she'd get instantly destroyed in any combat situation due to being 10 lmao and when Glover tries to play nice with her she snaps at him "and I don't need your permission to defend the North!" and Davos tries to hide smirk as she tells Jon "we'll begin training every man, woman, boy and girl on Bear Island" and the men all cheer her on and Jon tells them that their only defence is The Wall and they need to work with the Wildlings and Tormund realizes he wants his people manning it and Jon says their priority is Eastwatch-by-the-Sea since that's nearest Hardhome and he agrees instantly and chuckles "looks like we're the Night's Watch now!" and some of the Northerners grumble about it but no one says shit and Jon says the Umbers and Karstarks castles are their next line of defence but Lord Glover reminds them they betrayed the North for the Boltons and should be torn down but Sansa tells them "the castles have committed no crimes" and suggests giving them to loyal families but Jon says he'll forgive their families much to Sansa's rustling who says in front of everyone "so there's no punishment for treason and no reward for loyalty?" and CIA looks smug as he enjoys how fierce his lil Sansa has gotten and everyone looks to Jon to see what he'll say and he reminds her that the Umbers leader and Harald Karstark both died in the battle and Sansa insists the castles go to his men and the hall has everyone agreeing with her and Jon looks awkward and tells the story about the executions he's done, quoting Ned "the man who passes the sentence swings the sword", but insisting he won't punish sons for their fathers sins, and Sansa gets triggered as she's really on the revenge train now after what she did to Ramsay and Jon calls out "Ned Umber" and a 10 year old boy steps forward and OH MY FUCKING GOD MY COMPUTERS SOUND CARD JUST DIED OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE I CANT GET ANY AUDIO WORKING BUT I CANT STOP MEGATHREADING SO IM JUST GONNA PUT ON THE SUBTITLES AND REVIEW IT WITH NO SOUND LMAO WE ELEZZZARK NOW BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ok "Alys Karstark" is called forward too and Jon tells them their old wars need to be put behind them and all the living have to band together against the dead and they get their swords out and kneel and swear themselves to him "now and always" since they presumably weren't there last season when all the winners swore to Jon and Sansa looks mad and CIA smirks as he sees an angle to drift her apart from Jon ok hang on this is retarded I can't do this ok I just reinstalled windows and it fixed it thank god that is a thing that you can do since they finally admitted computers are shit and need to just start over again I'm sorry elz for ever making fun of you not being able to hear is tough
then outside Jon is arguing with Sansa about undermining him in front of the Lords but she instantly manipulates him by telling him Joffrey never listened to his advisers either, literally negging him as he asks if she thinks he's as bad as Joffrey so she can assure him he's not and he becomes more reliant on her since he is a mega brainlet and then she starts love bombing him telling him he is a good leader and people respect him but he starts to catch on and tells her "what was his father used to say? everything before the word "but" is horseshit?" and Sansa tells him he never cursed in front of the girls since he wanted to protect them from how dirty the world really is but that doesn't work and Jon huffs at her shit talking Ned and mutters "fine, I'll stop trying to protect you you stop trying to undermine me" and Sansa grabs Jon to turn him around and tells him "you need to be smarter than father, you need to be smarter than Robb" and Jon calls her out "by listening to you?" and she guilts him "would that be so terrible?" and then a new Maester comes up with a raven message from KL and Jon reads out Cersei's insane titledrop meme realizing she's Queen now... and it's telling him "bend the knee or suffer the fate of all traitors" and Sansa says he's forgotten their enemy to the South but Jon says the Night King is far worse and Sansa claims The Wall will protect them but Jon tells them the Lannisters won't over-extend up there but Sansa warns him Cersei has murdered all her enemies and Jon calls her out "almost sounds like you admire her" and Sansa admits "I learned a great deal from her"
and then in KL Queen Cersei is having a map of Westeros painted on her patio to presumably use as her battle map and Jaime comes in and has gotten so good at the "leave us" meme that he just needs to look at the painter to get him to fuck off and he asks "what is this" as he has strong opinions on interior decorating and Cersei says "it's what we've been waiting for our whole lives, it's what father trained us from whether he knew it or not" and Jaime says "he know it" still butthurt about Tywin making him memorize every town in the country and and Cersei tells him "it's ours now, we just have to take it" and asks him why he's so quiet and if he's angry and Jaime says "no... not angry" and Cersei just asks like it's the most obvious thing in the world "are you afraid of me?" and Jaime looks around awkward and asks "should I be?" and Cersei updates him on Tyrion's new position and Dany's incoming threat and instantly turns it back on him for letting the man who killed their son and father free and now he's back to fug them and challenges him to say where they'll land and Jaime gets his head in the game (of thrones) and says Dragonstone "they have deep water ports for the ships, Stannis left it unoccupied and that's where she was born" and Cersei laments "enemies to the South, enemies to the North and Ellaria Sand and her brood of bitches... enemies to the West... Ollena the old cunt, another traitor... enemies to the North, Ned Stark's bastard has been named King in the North and that murdering whore Sansa stands beside him, enemies everywhere, we're surrounded by traitors, you're the commander of the Lannister army now, where do we proceed?" and Jaime reminds her "Winter is Here™, we cannot win a war if we cannot feed our men and we cannot feed our horses, the Tyrells have the grain, the Tyrells have the livestock" and Cersei asks "will the Tyrells bannermen stand alongside a Dothraki horde and Unsullied slave soldiers?" and Jaime shrugs "if they think Daenerys will win, no one wants to fight on the losing side, right now we look like the losing side" and Cersei insists "I'm the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms" but Jaime reminds her "three kingdoms at best, I'm not sure you understand how much danger we're in" but Cersei assures him "I understand we're in a war for survival, I understand whoever loses dies, I understand that whoever wins could launch a dynasty that lasts a thousand years" what is it with madmen and talking about their empire lasting exactly a thousand years? calm down adolf and Jaime asks "a dynasty for whom? our children are dead, we're the last of us" and Cersei just stares at him slightly fed up like of course she's aware of that and says "a dynasty for us then" and Jaime looks at her appalled like his sister aint home anymore and tells her "we never talked about Tommen" and since she knows it was her fucking fault she immediately storms off to her wine claiming "there's nothing to say" and Jaime says with a tremor in his voice "our baby boy killed himself!" and Cersei just says trying to be cold "he betrayed me, he betrayed us both, should we spend our days mourning the dead: mother, father and all our children? I loved them I did! but they're ashes now and we're still flesh and blood, we're the last Lannisters, the last ones who count" and Jaime looks down sad as he realizes he's going to have to fight to get her back and thinks of a way to get back control and tries "even Lannisters can't survive without allies, where are our allies now? you saw what happened to Walder Frey and his family" but Cersei aint worried "how could we ever trust a man like that?" and Jaime shrugs "we couldn't, he was a useless old coward but the Freys supported us, now they're all dead, whoever killed them is no friend of ours, we need allies, stronger smarter allies, we cant win this war alone" and scary growling music starts up as Cersei says "you think I listened to father for 40 years and learned nothing?" uh ooooooooh
and then we cut to... EURON GREYJOYS IRON FLEET, uh oooooooooh and it is a suspiciously badass as fuck huge chunky sturdy wood and huge elaborate sails that he somehow got his men to put together in like a month or something and Jaime sneers "the Greyjoys? you invited the Greyjoys to King's Landing" knowing they were the worst shitters on the map under Balon but that they are rebellious cunts and maybe inviting their fleet of hundreds of ships to their capital city is a bit dangerous and Cersei says not so reassuringly "not all of them, I invited Euron Grejoy, the new King of the Iron Islands" and teases him for asking for allies and I notice around them the Kingsguard have got new scary looking black armor including I think The Mountain behind them, top lel at the actually really friendly and outgoing guy who plays him went from having the best fight scene in the series for his first time as the character to just standing around with a helmet on while everyone speaks around him I bet a guy who must work out and eat all day long must get bored, and Jaime talks shit about how they're no different from the Freys who backstab their friends but Cersei points out "so does everyone... when it suits them" and says they need their ships and killing ability and Jaime sneers "they're not good at anything, I know the Ironborn, they're bitter, angry little people, all they know how to do is steal things they cant build or grow themselves" lmao entire Iron Islands status: dabbed on and Cersei teases "Euron Grejoy didn't come here for that" and he asks "oh what did he come here for then?" and she reveals "a queen" uh oh JAIME BOUTTA GET CUCKED
then in the throne room, which Cersei has had the septagram stained glass window taken out and replaced with her family's lion sigil (which looks pretty copy and pasted from the British royal family's crest) as they can finally stop pretending the crown is Baratheon anymore, Euron, who looks like a complete thug amongst all these fancy armored soldiers, is ranting to Cersei about his niece and nephew nicking his ships and betraying him to Dany so she could attack here, pointing out they have a common enemy, and Cersei just sits there unmoved, and Euron brings up Tyrion to try to get under her skin pointing out "it seems our treasonous family members are fighting for the same side, I thought we rightful monarchs could murder them together" and he steps towards her but The Mountain steps towards him and even the absolute madlad Euron pauses and Jaime taunts "but you're not a rightful monarch though are you?" and Euron smiles up at The Mountain like he likes him and steps back and Gregor steps back too and Jaime locks "the Greyjoys rebelled for the right to be monarchs but as I recaaalll... you were soundly defeated, come to mention it... weren't you the one who started that rebellion by sailing to Casterly Rock and burning the Lannister fleet? you certainty caught us there, very smart move on your part, of course we all made it to the Iron Islands anyway... I was there" and Euron, being a complete psycho, cant stop himself from laughing at this awkward situation and tells him wide-eyed "I remember very well, I saw you, I heard so much talk, the best in the world, no one can stop him, I didn't believe it to be honest, but I must say when you rushed through the breach and started cutting people down..... it was glorious... like a dance" and gives Gregor a big smile as if he's the one who'd get it the most but he just stands there unresponsive and Jaime says in disgust "the people I was cutting down were your own kin" and Euron quips "the place was getting crowded, I enjoyed it, I truly did" eeeeeeedddddddggggggggyyyyyyyyy and Jaime fires off "and I enjoyed killing Greyjoys" and Euron clearly not actually giving a shit about anyone else says "a good thing for me" and explains how because of that he's nowthe greatest captain of the 14 seas, hmmmm I wonder if autists have mapped those 14 seas out, this made me look up where the term 7 seas even comes from in our world and apparantly over 4000 fucking years ago Mesopotamians just made it up to reflect the seven heavenly bodies they had observed and since then people have just come up with excuses to keep using the phrase lul some nice real world lore, and Cersei quips "if not the most humble" and Euron clearly has an impulse control issue as he immediately says "you're not humble" and then plays it off with "you're the leader of a great nation!" and insults the Iron Islands saying it's really their fleet she needs to defeat all her enemies, and Cersei just asks "what do you want in return?" and Euron memes he wants to marry the most beautiful woman in the world and says "so here I am, with a thousand ships and two good hands" and Jaime stiffens up as he realizes this dude is dabbing on him and Euron gets a huge grin as he sees he's offended and Cersei looks at her brother and says "I decline your proposal" but since this is now a generic American TV show I know this is just to force drama and Euron will find some way to weasel his way into her bed soon enough for max drama and Jaime stares him down like whats up bitch and Cersei explains "you're not trust worthy, you've broken promises to allies before and murdered them at the nearest opportunity" and Euron, who the actor plays like some sort of modern day British gangster, struggles to control himself and pats his clothes down to straighten himself up as Cersei sums up "you murdered your own brother" so he leans over with a wide-eyed smirk and says "you should try it, feels wonderful!" lmaooooo I know this whole show's getting shallow but I kind of like Euron he's got a good vibe of an extremely violent thuggish psychopath going on rather than Ramsay who was a more underhanded psychologically manipulative psychopath who'd mentally abuse and trick you to win while Euron seems like he's struggling to restrain himself from killing everyone in any given room room at all times and both characters are from very edgy houses so kind of goes back to the theme of identity like would they always be like that or just from being in that environment but also would that environment be any different if it wasn't for all those people's ancestors being like that and giving them that genetic legacy really makes ya think and Jaime cant help but laugh at his meme... but then looks at his sister knowing she might actually consider it lul, and Euron swears that he can win her trust and heart with a gift and walks off to get it without even being dismissed, I'm guessing it's... trying to kidnap Sansa to bring her to Cersei to kill? I'd say Tyrion but that seems like a bad idea since he's surrounded by Unsullied and Dothraki, maybe Ornella's head but she's surrounded by Dornish soldiers but we know how bad their security is lul
then in the Citadel in the big huge library that has some huge magnifying glass structure hanging in the centre so that you can reflect sunlight into any part of the library at any type of day we see Sam at work as a Maester in training in a book shelf area that's like a maze almost and he goes about with a trolley putting old books back in place and I guess the place also functions as a hospice for elderly Maesters or something because it's the poor fat mans job to clean out their chamber pots and toilet that almost makes him vomit as he works in this room full of old farting sick men and the Maesters just treat him like a servant making him carry books around at all they get to eat is shitty soup and in the library he sees there's a secret locked off gated area hmmm and we see the soup and the shit he's clearing out again as if they seem the same to him by now and him being made to carry books again and all this on repeat as his life becomes monotonous and Sam almost puking every time he cleans the toilet never getting used to it lmao and the only thing that interests him is the secret section behind a locked gate that you think would not be in some random section of the library down some little nook but in a dungeon underground or something and he looks in on the books open there and sees some diagrams that seem to be about the planets rotation or maybe other planets in relation to theirs or something oh shit Sam is about to discover his world is not flat like (((the Maesters))) want him to believe but they really do live inside a blue-eyed giants eye
then he's attending an autopsy of a Maester and the guy cutting him up is saying "oh a drinkers liver if I ever saw one!" I was just watching a video about how in medieval times alcohol was really popular beacuse it was a drink that was more likely to be sterile than the water and it can keep for ages unlike stuff like milk or fruit juices so it was normal for everyone to have beer with their meals, and he cuts out his liver and gets Sam to weight it and he gets "147" whatever that means that the doctor notes down and Sam asks if he can have access to the restricted section but his boss turns him down making him weight the man's brain and Sam just cuts to the chase and says he already knows White Walkers exist and is there to learn how to defeat them while no one else even knows they exist and the doc says "everyone in the Citadel doubts everything, it's their job" ah this worlds version of the skeptic community, I tip my fedora to you good sir but this guy himself thinks that there's "too many similarities from unconnected sources" for the tales of the Long Nights to be total bs and that occam's razor is that Sam is simply telling the truth and when Sam is surprised he believes him the maester tells him "we are this worlds memory, without us people would be no better than dogs" and talks about how everyone thought they world was ruined when Rob had his rebellion, and before that it was the Targaryen dragons everyone thought they couldn't survive, and before that it was the Long Night (I guess a stand-in for the little ice age that happened in the medieval period or maybe the last full on ice age that shaped a lot of early human distribution and the White Walkers, if they weren't already revealed to be made by the elf girls, could be a stand-in for Neanderthals who there's some interesting anthropology theories about how a lot of human evolution was spurred on by being preyed upon by the bigger Neaderthals so we needed to create weapons to survive getting rekt by them and eventually blew them the fuck out by making ye olde ting ting clap by inventing bows and arrows) with his point being that they were all wrong and they survived everything which is true people think the world is gonna end every few decades with some new dumb meme but then it's not that bad or doesn't happen at all, then at night we see Sam just steal the guys keys and sneak into the forbidden section lol
then at Winterfell we see Brie training Podrick in the courtyard easily kicking his ass and outmanoeuvring him and when she's distracted by Tormund creeping on her he takes a cheeky slap at her armor so SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE CHEST AND THROWS HIM IN THE SNOW lmaooooo poor pod he did so better in King's Landing and Tormund tells him "you're one lucky man!" LMAO TORMUND IS INTO FEMDOM AND WANTS BRIE TO BEAT HIM UP, BASED and Brie rolls her eyes at Tormund's creeper comments
then we see CIA and Sansa watching them and he says "I hear she beat The Hound in single combat... she's a very impressive woman" and Sansa already knows "what do you want Lord Baelish" and he creeps on her saying "I want you happy, I want you safe" trying to make her doubt her safety but she insists Brie can protect her and CIA sneaks in "what about happy?" and Sansa just looks off stonefaced trying to ignore him as Brie storms up and when CIA rushes to say something ebin she memes at him "no need to seize the last word Lord Baelish, I'll assume it was something clever" and turns to Brie and CIA gets the hint and fucks off WOW IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T GO ABOUT BRAGGING ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A MANIPULATIVE BACKSTABBER YOU ARE HMMMMMMM and Brie asks "why is he still here?" and Sansa sighs and explains "we need his men" bur Brie warns "he wants something" and Sansa sighs "I know exactly what he wants" and Brie looks concerned since it's probably her ginger minge
then we see Arya riding through the woods and she hears a man singing a fancy romantic song about missing women and oh my god I remember this meme IT'S THE FUCKING ED SHIRAN CAMEO, HE'S THE ONE SINGING LMAO WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING WITH THIS NORMIE BAITI only know this guy exists because I saw him in a Taylor Swift music video I was jacking off to, and they're Lannister soldiers too please god let Arya kill this muppet
and Arya rides up and says "that's a pretty song" and fucking Ed Sheeran says "it's a new one" implying he wrote it lamoooooooo he's playing himself what the fuck is happening and they invite Arya to eat with them and she seems to find them non-threatening so strings her horse to a tree and she stupidly tells them she's heading to King's Landing and the men joke about how the streets are covered in shit lmao and some dopey kid with a wonky eye talks about how how he always wanted to see the Sept but when he finally got there it was blown to hell lmao and a slightly Kylo Ren looking guy decries how immoral and selfish everyone who lives there is, I guess KL has the reputation of being like modern day NYC or London where the stereotype is everyone's extremely greedy and rude, and they talk about how they're there to keep the peace after the trouble with the Freys and Arya has a quick yikes as she realizes that's her and the wonky eyed kid insists she get first go at the cooked rabbit because "my mother always told me to be king to strangers because then strangers will be kind to you" and Arya looks super sad as if he only just realized there are good people on Both Sides™ and not all Lannister soldiers are bad people and she could have killed all these people on sight which I guess is why you shouldn't train a 14 year old to be an assassin but ok and Arya chews a bit of the rabbit and passes it on and asks the men what they've been up to and the dopey one jokes there'll be songs about their adventures but the Kylo Ren looking guy admits they were gagging to leave home but now can't wait to get back and the wonky eyed guy worries about his dad having to work on a boat alone and Kylo talks about how he has a new baby he doesn't even know the sex of yet but he says he wants it to be a girl, which confuses Arya who seems to think being a girl is probably a shit deal in this world, but he says because "girls take care of their papas when their papas grow old" which is true in the modern day but I'm not sure back then, yes it might be a daughter physically doting on you but it was your son who would have property rights and own resources that can financially support you which is why even in the modern day in third world countries poor people hope for a son and will literally throw a baby girl in a bin lmao, and he adds "boys just go off to fight in someone elses wars" and looks around at his friends and Arya sits there sad as she thinks about how she couldn't take care of her own parents and this world is shitty for both men and women and the dopey eyed man asks Arya if she's old enough to drink which is uhhhhhhhhhh some weird writing since there's never been a legal age of drinking stated in this world lmao and throughout history it was normal to let at least teenagers drink at meals with adults and Arya takes the flask and glugs it down like nothing and they men chuckle and the wonky eyed guy says it's blackberry wine he made himself and Kylo asks her her business in KL and Arya takes another glug and admits "I'm going to kill the queen" and the men all look awkward at each other like uhhhhhhhhhh but then they figure she's joking and burst out laughing as Arya sits there looking super suspicious
and then with the Brotherhood The Hound is mocking Thoros for asking him if his Lord warned him of the shit weather and Thoros tries to be nice and offers him wine but The Hound snarls "don't like that shit it's too sweet" and Thoros just asks "why are you always in such a fowl mood?" and The Hound growls "experience" and then Beric points out a house for them to stay at but The Hound recognizes it as... the home of the farmer he robbed lmao and he gets uncomfortable and says "those people don't want us there" but Beric points out it's clearly abandoned and leads his men in there and The Hound gets antsy and says "I don't like the look of it" and Thoros teases "for a big hard man you scare easily" and The Hound snaps at him "I'll tell you want doesn't scare me: bald cocksuckers like you! you think you're fooling anyone with that topknot? bald cunt" and Thoros just smiles at him like holy shit this guy is hilarious and tries to bribe him inside by suggesting they have ale but The Hound already knows "they don't" and the men all pile in and start searching the place for supplies and The Hound finds... THE FARMER'S DESICATED CORPSE, WITH HIS LITTLE DAUGHTER STILL IN HIS ARMS I guess he was right and they didn't make it through... well even the start of winter
and Beric asks "how do you think it ended for them?" and The Hound states the obvious "with death" and Beric does some ye olde CSI crime scene analysis and determines they were starving so the father put them both out of their misery and The Hound, realizing they could have probably afforded to move or get supplies if he hadn't fucking robbed them, grumbles "doesn't matter now" which Beric agrees with and the three main men start talking about the first time they met and The Hound admits "I don't like you, but I don't hate you, you're not bad" and Beric teases "well thank you Clegane, that warms the heart" as that's the best you'll get out of him but he adds "but there's nothing special about you" I guess he thinks he has a big opinion of himself being this chosen one guy but Beric admits "you're right about that" and The Hound asks how the fuck is it he gets to come back but not the better men he's known who have been "hung from a rafter, beheaded or just shat themselves to death in a field somewhere" and Beric admits he no fucking idea himself and The Hound asks "if he's so all-powerful why doesn't he just tell you what the fuck he wants?" and Thoros invites The Hound to come stare into the fire with him for his answer and The Hound looks shook understandably from his childhood trauma and Thoros says "don't worry the fire wont bite, I want to show you something" not knowing how phobic he is of it and The Hound looks around at the farce that is his life and grumbles "it's my fucking luck I end up with a band of fire worshippers" and Beric looks at his scar and jokes "aye, almost like divine justice" and The Hound snaps "there's no such thing as divine justice you DUMB CUNT or else you'd be dead and that girl would be alive" atheist woke levels: reaching maximum and he tells Thoros "I don't want to look in the damn flames" but Thoros reminds him he knows he really can resurrect Beric and only the fire explains it so The Hound leans over and says he only sees "...logs burning" and Thoros tempts "what do you see?" and The Hound stares longer and then realizes he sees "ice? a wall of ice? THE Wall... it's where The Wall meets the sea... there's a castle there" and THE FIRE CRACKLES ANGRILY and The Hound flinches but keeps looking and says "there's a mountain, looks like an arrowhead... the dead are marching past........ thousands of them....." and Beric realizes this is the real shit and asks "you believe me now Celgane? do you believe we're here for a reason?" while The Hound looks terrified and confused at his vision, then later that night Thoros hears grunting outside and goes out to find The Hound digging graves to bury the farmer and his daughter and he realizes "you knew these people" and The Hound just sneers "not really" as he tries to respectfully put these withered corpses into their final resting place and Thoros realizes he has the right idea, plants his sword down and gets to work helping to bury them, amazed that The Hound has such respect in him, ok I can sense some memes coming... they're going to suddenly resurrect as zombies because the Night King is near or something, and The Hound tries to say a prayer to the 7 but only gets two gods in before he realizes "fuck it I don't remember the rest" and looks up at Thoros as if expecting him to say something since he's a priest but when he doesn't he just awkwardly brushes his hair out his face and says "I'm sorry you're dead, you deserved better, both of you" and storms off
then in Oldtown we see Sam is living with Gilly and lil Sam who's like 3 now in some little apartment and he's staying up all night with books he stole from the Citadel trying to study the White Walkers and she tries to get him to sleep but he wont so she joins in with his research even though she can barely read and Sam has learned that the Targs used to decorate their weapon with dragonglass without even knowing what the First Men used it for and he turns the page to look at all these legendary weapons until he finds a drawing saying... there's a mine for dragonglass on Dragonstone, the castle Stannis was using and the Targs first built when invading Westeros, and Sam says Stannis told him about it but I don't remember that, and Sam rushes to write a letter to Jon about this and Gilly sits back proud that no one but her lover would have found this info that could save the world, and then at the Citadel Sam is taking the bowls of eaten food from what seems like cells for quarantined patients when suddenly A MANS ARM SHOOTS THROUGH THE DOOR GRABBING AT SAM and the fucking subtitles spoil who it is but it's a man asking if The Dragon Queen is here yet and we see the man's arm... is badly greyscaled... it obviously being JORAH who's gone to the Citidel as the best place to find a cure, and when Sam says "h-haven't heard anything" he shrinks back into the darkness
and then we cut to Dany in her own fashy new black tight fitting imperial outfit at the head of her fleet, she really does look like female Hitler or some shit lmao
with her dragons screeching overhead as she sees... Dragonstone... her ancestors first castle on Westeros, and her support staff all look on as her three dragons fly over the huge castle as if searching for a place to nest on it
and then the first rowboat comes assure with Dany, Tyrion, Missy, Varys and Grey Worm and only a few Unsullied which doesn't seem that safe but Dany puts her hand down and feels the ground as she takes in her ancestral home and walks past this weird mountain that might very well be all Dragonglass up towards the great big intimidating castle with jutting angry angles and sees the dragon statue heads that adorn the front gate and we get some weird remix of the opening theme song that's like this dramatic military marching chant and the Unsullied open the door and she looks up proud at the big winding path leading up to her new staging ground and we get some cool shots of her party marching all the way up to the castle and inside they make their way through the darkness until Dany finds an old flag of Stannis' and pulls it down as she owns this castle now and she looks up as the doors to the throneroom are opened and she finds this modern art throne that's a seat carved into a huge chunk of presumably dragonglass and Missy holds back Grey Worm as this is Dany's special time as she walks up to the throne her ancestors sat on and the throne still has an indent of like that sweaty stain NEETs get when they sit on one chair for too long and then later we find Dany finding Stannis old cool map of Westeros map in the what must be extremely cold now open plan meeting room and Tyrion sees some dragons carved into the wall that I don't think were there last time since this being a Targ building is probably a retcon lulll and she stands at the head of the map of Westeros and asks Tyrion "shall we begin?"
Game of Thrones 7x02: "Stormborn" Euron's snake extermination service special edition
First aired: July 23, 2017
alright there's another Previously... on Game of Thrones thing for all the braindead normies finally watching it and the actual episode opens on a rainy as fuck storm and thunder and lighting pelting down on Dragonstone as we pan up through the darkness to this very poorly conceived open plan meeting room as Dany looks out at the storm and Tyrion points out for all the casuals "on a night like this you came into the world" and Varys talks about how during that night all the dogs in KL howled throughout the night and Dany whines about how this doesn't seem like much of a homecoming, yeah maybe not set up shop in an open-air office during a monsoon lmao and Dany notes there are not many lions on the map and Varys says Cersei only controls half the 7 Kingdoms and the Lords despise her but Dany sneers "and now they call out for their one true queen? drink secret toasts to my health? people used to tell my brother that sort of thing and he was stupid enough to believe them" clearly not trusting Varys probably realizing that he's been the one fucking her brother about himself and she tells Tyrion that "if Viserys had three dragons and an army at his back he'd have invaded King's Landing already" and Tyrion points out she could easily take Westeros but cant rule a pile of ashes what they really need is support and Dany thanks Varys condescendingly for getting the Dornish and Tyrell backing and he tries to butter her up saying they believe in her but Dany calls him out "you served my father didn't you? and then the man who overthrew him?" and Varys tries to explain the realpolitik of his situation but Dany aint buying it and Varys fires back her father was the cruellest king in history but Rob had no interest in being King and she ponders "so you took it upon yourself to find a better one?" wonder if he helped Cersei knock Rob off and Tyrion vouches for Varys saving him from drinking to support her but she cuts him off and calls Varys out for supporting Viserys despite being cruel and weak and Varys excuses it saying he didn't know anything about her back then and she surmises "so you and your friends traded me like a prized horse to the Dothraki" and Varys tries to suck up to her "which you turned to your advantage" but Dany just asks "who gave the order to kill me?" and Tyrion looks shook as he knows Dany would kill Varys like it's nothing and gives his bald friend a serious look like he better be careful and Varys admits "King Robert" in his natural deeper tone when he's not playing into the harmless eunuch stereotype and Dany insists "who hired the assassins?" and starts walking up to him and Varys tries to excuse it but Dany says it was just to save himself and Tyrion tries to defend him but Dany calls him out for being a disloyal dethroner and Varys, going into this knowing he was a dad man walking, tells her that he's "the kind the realm needs, incompetence should not be rewarded with blind loyalty, as long as I have my eyes I'll use them, I wasn't born into a great house, I came from nothing" and Grey Worm listens intently as he probably looks up to Varys for having a similar background to him, also he's got a new fashy uniform himself and has a cool broach of three dragons swirling around each other which I guess is Dany's new personal sigil and he goes on "I was sold as a slave and carved up as an offering, when I was a child I lived in alleys, gutters, abandoned houses, you wish to know where my true loyalties lie? not with any king or queen, but with the people! the people who suffer under despots and prosper under just rule, the people whose hearts you aim to win, if you demand blind allegiance, I respect your wishes, Grey Worm can behead me or your dragons can devour me, but if you let me live I will serve you well, I will dedicate myself to seeing you on the Iron Throne because I choose you, because I know the people have no better chance than you" and everyone stares at each other dramatically
and Dany just tells him "swear this to me Varys, if you ever think I'm betraying the people you won't conspire behind my back... you'll look me in the eye as you've done today and tell me how I'm failing them" and Varys looks like he's made the right decision backing her as she believes in the people too, just from an abstracted point of view, and says "I swear it my queen" and Tyrion looks relieved but Dany walks straight up to Varys and tells him "and I swear this: if you ever betray me... I'll burn you alive" and gets this super self satisfied look like she loves being so dangerous and Varys just shrugs and smirks "I would expect nothing less from the Mother of Dragons" and they smile at each other having an understanding that they're both Real Niggas ready to kill and die for their beliefs
and then Grey Worm announces the red priestess from As'shai wherever that is and they go to meet in this big empty cold lobby... the Red Lady, who gives her a summary of her backstory that she used to be a slave so is honored to meet the Breaker of Chains, and Dany says "the Red Priests helped bring peace to Meereen, you are very welcome here" but as soon as she gives her name Varys, who hates mystics but also wary of other advisers, warns that she used to serve Stannis which didn't end too well and Dany clapsback at him that she choose the right day to come since "today we just decided to pardon those who served the wrong King" and Varys bows in submission and Dany asks what her Lord wants and she talks about muh promised prince and Missy, wearing a black leather outfit that looks like some dominatrix shit, points out that "your translation is not quite accurate, that noun has no gender in High Valyrian"GENDER BINARY STATUS: SMASHED which Dany approves of and the Red Lady admits "prophecies are dangerous things" but says she plays a part along with Jon Snow and Tyrion reveals he used to know him and Varys asks why Jon Snow as if even he doesn't know much about about this bastard and the Red Lady explains he did the amazing thing of uniting the Wildlings with the Northern lords and advises Dany to speak with him and Tyrion advises Dany that he trusts Jon and would make another valuable ally as he must hate Cersei too so she has him send a raven to Jon... to bend the knee (oh I bet he will (to eat her pussy))
then in Winterfell a bunch of children are being trained how to fire bows and arrows just like the Stark kiddies did in the first episode and Sansa is warning Jon that the letter might be a trap but Tyrion quoted himself saying "all dwarves are bastards in their fathers eyes" which he said to Jon when they first met and since Sansa knows him better than any of them she vouches for his kindness but says it's not worth the risk and Davos hints that it's also meant to intimidate them but he also points out "fire kills wights you told me, and what breathes fire?" alright so... fire or severe dismemberment needs to kill the zombies and the White Walkers are the guys who can control them but you need dragonglass to kill them since they can just hypercool any other attack? still not clear if it's only the Night King who can raise the dead though
and in the Iron Throne room Cersei is telling some Lords that Dany would destroy Westeros if she got in power and warns the ones who are bannermen for Tyrell they will be mindless Unsullied soldiers to destroy their castles and holdfasts and Dothraki savages to burn their villages and rape their women, trying to turn them against Olenna for siding with Dany's admittedly very fucking demented seeming ambitions, and when they murmur nervously she reminds them of the Mad King telling them "his daughter is no different, in Essos her brutality is already legendary, she crucified hundreds of nobelemen in Slaver's Bay, and when she grew bored of that she fed them to her dragons" lmao its funny because it's true and Dany is an absolute madlass but to be honest I appreciate her not being a 100% Mary Sue and still being as sadistic and brutal as some of the worst villains and all these rich twats get shook and Cersei takes the opportunity of weakness to swear "it is my solemn duty to protect the people and I will but I need your help my Lords, we must stand together, all of us... if we hope to stop her" and one of them steps forward and asks wtf do they do against 3 dragons which is what Aegon had when he conquered the Seven Kingdoms and Cersei glances at Qyburn who smuggly says "we are currently at work on a solution my lord" uh ooooooooooh, obviously "in reality" you could just spam ballistas at it to kill it but in fiction physically large things are always depicted as being extremely tough like big kiaji in monster movies that can solo a city when in real life you could just blow Godzillas fucking brains out with one fighter jet, and later Jaime goes to speak to the guy who spoke up who is ah yes Lord Tarly and Jaime confuses his son Dickon for Rickon lol as he barely cares about any of these people and tries to get him to rally the other Lords of the Reach wherever that is and he says he's heard what the Queen does to those who defy her and Jaime gets awkward and brings him off to speak in private as Tarly talks about how he needs to mobilize his army as he can tell it'll kick off soon and Jaime compliments him for being the only man to defeat Rob which Rhaegar couldn't even do and asks him to be his main general and Tarly tells him that wound mean turning on Olenna and says "we are not oathbreakers we are not schemers, we do not stab our rivals in the back or cut their throats at weddings, I swore an oath to House Tyrell" but Jaime reminds him he did to the crown too and convinces him that it's Olenna that's the traitor who is bringing over foreign savages and eunuchs to destroy their homeland and when they win he can be the new Warden of the South
then with his fat son at the Citadel a Maester is examining Jorah telling him he's fucked it's spread so far and "you should have cut off your arm the moment you were touched" wait he just grabbed at Sam in their previous scene lol uh ohhhhh and Jorah asks "how long?" and the maester says it could be 10 or 20 years until he kills him but he means "how long until..." and the maester says he has 6 months or fewer before it takes his mind and Jorah sits down depressed and Sam tells the maester about meeting Shireen and telling him she was cured as a baby but the maester says "does this look like a baby to you?" as he cleans his instruments he was examining Jorah with and explains that "Maester Cressen discovered Shireen Baratheon's affliction immediately" and tells Jorah he's sorry but he's too far along and would be shipped off to be with the stone men if he was a commoner... but can have one more day there, I guess before being shipped off, but maybe he's imply they'll just mercy kill him, and Sam asks if he wants word sent to his family, with Sam recognizing his last name from their letters, but Jorah says "no need, I've been dead to them for years" awwww, maybe Jorah will save the day by just going and hugging the Night King so he gets superAIDS lol also if I was these maesters I would not want to be anywhere these people if it was that contagious since you never know when one might panic and grab you or just fall over or something and infect you they'd be fucking restrained by hazmat suit dudes before I went anywhere near them
then in KL Qyburn who is the new or I guess first Queen's Hand is taking Cersei down into the catacombs where King Rob moved the dragon skeletons and she talks about how her late husband would take his whores down here to see his trophies and he shows her the massive skull of "Balerion the Dread, the beast Aegon rode across the Narrow Sea, his flames forged the Iron Throne and brought the Seven Kingdoms to kneel... powerful... but not invincible... apparantly one of Daenerys dragons was injured by a spear in the fighting pits of Meereen... if they can be wounded... they can be killed" very Predator and he unveils woah! a big ballista! I called it!
and he tells her "the finest artillators and blacksmiths in King's Landing have been laboring day and night Your Grace... if you'll kindly pull that lever" and Cersei notices where it's aimed and fires the mechanism FIRING A MASSIVE BOLT THROUGH BALERION'S SKULL finally this dumb show does something logical
and then in Dragonstone Team Dany is assembled with Tyrion, Missy, Grey Worm, Varys, Yara, Theon, Olenna and Elly and the Queen herself and Yara is yelling at Dany to go ahead and take KL already but Tyrion warns "if we let the dragons loose tens of thousands will die in the firestorms" we WW2 firebombing cities now bois and Elly snaps "it's called war! you don't have the stomach for it? scurry back into hiding" tough talk from, yeah Tyrion says it for me, "I know how you wage war, we dont poison little girls here" but Elly insists "there are no innocent Lannisters, my only regret is Oberyn died fighting for you!" and Dany snaps "that's enough!" and orders Elly to respect her Hand and takes Tyrion's side saying "I will not be Queen of the ashes" and Olenna taunts "that's very nice, of course I can't remember a Queen who was as beloved as my grandaughter, the common people loved her, the nobles loved her, and what is left of her now? ASHES, commoners, nobles, they're all just children really, they won't obey you unless they fear you" and Dany thanks them all for following her but insists she's Queen and there wont be an attack on King's Landing and Olenna taunts if she'll be asking nicely and Dany explains they'll surround KL but Tyrion explains not with foreigners as that will just give Cersei free propaganda points, Yara will escort Elly back to sunspear and the Iron Fleet will take the Dornish army to KL and siege it with the Tyrell army and Olenna does a CIA meme "so your master plan is to use our armies? forgive me for asking but why did you bother to bring your own?" and Tyrion explains Grey Worm and the Unsullied will be taking Casterly Rock which maybe we'll finally see and Yara, Elly and Olenna all nod in agreement and swear their loyalty to Dany (I just noticed counting Cersei, Euron and Jon five of the seven major military forces left are all women #ImWithHer)
then Dany does the "leave us" meme to everyone but Olenna so she can assure her they'll get revenge on Cersei and bring peace and Olenna sighs and asks "peace? do you think that's what we had under your father? or his father? or his? peace never lasts my dear, will you take a piece of advice from an old woman? he's a clever man you're Hand, I've known a great many clever men, I've outlived them all, you know why? I ignored them, the Lords of Westeros are sheep, are you a sheep? no, you're a dragon, be a dragon!" or "burn them all" as her father would say, I really like Olenna, who's name I only just remembered after 5 seasons, since it's highly illegal in American media to feature a woman as a main charcter who's over the age of about 35 and she's one of the realest niggas in the show without doing anything that evil so far
then with Grey Worm Missy is coming to visit him and he refuses to say goodbye fully intending to return so Missy awkwardly says "I wish you good fortune" and leaves but Grey Worm calls her back and explains it's actually because "y-you're my weakness" that he cant say goodbye, and explains when the Unsullied are children the masters force them to face their fears, but he had no fears, he was never big or strong, but he was always bravest, until he met her and "now I have fear" as he's scared he'll lose her and Missy says "I do too" and both these broken abused people look down sad not knowing how to cope with hope or love and GREY WORM JUST RUNS UP AND SNOGS MISSY and lets himself tear up with his love for her and MISSY GETS HER TITS AND ASS OUT
and they look confused at each other but decide fuck it duuuuude and GREY WORM TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF but when Missy goes to take his pants off he says "no!" but she asks "I want to see you, please" and Grey Worm brings up all his courage and nods allowing her to take his pants down and see presumably his blank crotch and she looks him in the eye and... starts kissing him again... and takes him to bed letting him get onto of her... and they kiss sensitively again with Missy becoming aroused just from her love being ontop of her and then GREY WORM EATS MISSYS PUSSY I appreciate this sex scene narratively since most tv shows and movies treat it like if you cant physically have PIV sex then your love life is dead and you might as well neck yourself but obviously if you are not a complete fucking brainlet honerary incel like most writers seem to be the world is full of disabled people who can still be sexually intimiate
then in the Citadel the archmaester, who is played by some actor I recognize but cant place, is shoving books on Sam trying to talk him into becoming a writer but Sam is more interested in the practical side of things and says he's found two cases of cures for greyscale, citing a previous archmaester Pylos, and the archmaester simply tells Sam that he died of greyscale himself lmao, saying his procedure is forbidden from being too dangerous, hmmm, maybe a blood transfusion or something like that?
then in Jorah's room he is writing a letter to Dany that I hope he will make sure is clean lol and he looks at his sword as he considers suicide when he hears Sam squeaking his way in with a trolley full of weird equipment and tells him he's a Night's Watchmen and was with his father when he died and wont let the same happen to him and makes him drink some rum for the pain, taking a big glug himself first, and gets out a book of Pylos banned procedure and looks over his charts and asks Jorah to take off his shirt which he struggles to do rom the pain of his fucked up skin and Sam has to get Jorah to bite down on a bit to stay silent and keep it secret and he asks "you ever done this before?" and a nervous Sam admits "no, but no one knows I'm trying so I'm the best you've got" and Jorah figures fuck it dude and Sam explains he's going to cut his fucking infected skin off and apply an ointment and Jorah stares at him like he's fucking crazy and Sam just looks at him like uhhhh but he gets to work reminding the grunting Jorah not to scream and Jorah growls in pain as SAM STARTS TO SLICE AND SAW THE SCALES OFF OF JORAH WITH A SCALPEL AND TWEEZERS AND JORAH WHINES LIKE A DYING DOG TRYING NOT TO SCREAM but he nods to Sam to keep going as Jorah's willing to do anything to follow his oneitis' orders
and we cut from Sam digging into Jorah's flesh that's oozing puss to some men eating a similar looking white gooey pie as they gossip about if Dany's dragons are really that big or if it's just Cersei's propaganda and for some reason these men hope it's true because it will triple the prices of whatever they're selling and we pan over to see Arya is listening into them having picked up good evesdropping skills when blind and Arya is suddenly confronted with HOT PIE! who's brought her some bread tha she immediately hacks apart with a knife and starts scoffing it down and he tells her the secret to his recipe and Arya says "hmm I didn't do that" and Hot Pie cant believe "you've been making pies?" and Arya quips "one or two" lmaooooooooooo and Hot Pies asks her if she met "the big lady" and explains he sent her after her and Arya stuffs her face and says briefly "she found me" and Hot Pie can sense some bad shit went down and asks "what happened to you Arry?" but Arya just asks for some ale now having quite the appetite for booze and scoffs it down and Hot Pie realizes she doesn't want to talk about it so starts gossiping about how Cersei blew up the Great Sept and Arya stares ahead more determined to kill her now and Hot Pie finally breaks the news to Arya that Jon took Winterfell back from the Bolton's and is the King a tha Norf now and she can't believe it but sees he wouldn't lie to her and she goes to get her purse but Hot Pie tells her "friends don't pay... can't believe I thought you were a boy, you're pretty!" and Arya is startled to find what a lovely man he's become puts a hand on his shoulder telling him "take care of yourself Hot Pie, try not to get killed" yeah I am amazed this guy is still alive lmao and he says "ah I won't, I'm like you Arry, I'm a survivor" and Arya tears up smiling at how nice he is and leaves before she she cries, I guess this is another case of the identity theme where Hot Pie starts out as a bully who was going to mug another poor kid because he grew up in the shitty environment of King's Landing but now that he has a purpose and job he's proud of in a tavern with no problems he's a kind caring man, then outside the caravan that was taking Arya the 200 miles to KL pulls out but she looks behind her and decides to ride off to Winterfell on her own
then we see Jon staring at his war map when the maester comes in with Sam's letter and in the hall he tells all the Lords of Sam's discovery that Dragonstone is built on Dragonglass... and the letter from Tyrion Lanniter inviting him to go there, and they all gasp as he's the new notorious kingslayer, and as he tells them Dany is planning to overthrow Cersei CIA perks up as he recognizes the work of his old rival Varys, and the crowd all murmurs in shock as Jon tells them that Dany has an army and three dragons and that he's going to go talk to her as he looks at Sansa and everyone is shocked to hear this but Jon insists they need the dragonglass and Dany's forces and dragons or they're all dead and Sansa snaps "have you forgotten what happened to our grandfather? the Mad King invited him to King's Landing and roasted him alive!" and the crowd supports her as she tells Jon Dany will trap him to take the North but Jon knows Tyrion is honerable but Lord Glover insists Targs nor Lannisters can be trusted and another Lord tells them Robb lost his kingdom from riding South and Lady Mormont insists they need the kinga da norf in da norf and everyone supports her and Jon tells them he never asked to be King but will always fight for the North and this is what he has to do to survive the Army of the Dead and he's the only one there who's seen them and Sansa insists he send a proxy but Jon knows she'll only accept it in person and Sansa starts whining that he's abandoning his people but Jon places her in charge and she looks shocked and CIA gives her a cheeky smile like he loves it and Brie nods to her giving her support and Sansa tears up from having her brothers respect
then in the crypt Jon is looking at Ned's statue when CIA turns up and says it was him who delivered the bones to his mother and asks for him to give Tyrion his best and lies through his teeth that he was sorry Ned died from how much he loved his wife just like he did and when that gets no response he starts prying deeper "she wasn't fond of you was she? it appears she vastly underestimated you, your father and brothers are gone yet here you stand King of the North, last best hope against the coming storm" and Jon just slowly turns and glares at him and tells him "you don't belong down here" and CIA turns to stare at him back as he knows he wont do shit as he needs his men and says "forgive me, we haven't ever talked... properly, I wanted to remedy that" and Jon sneers "I have nothing to say to you" and goes to walk off but CIA pulls the I saved ur ass meme and starts talking about how he's loyal to him as he loves Sansa as he loved their mother and JON JUST SHOVES CIA UP AGAINST THE WALL BY THE THROAT JUST LIKE NED DID AND TELLS HIM "TOUCH MY SISTER AND I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF" and storms out lmaoooooooooo back into the friendzone bitch boiiii and CIA just smirks after him like he likes being physically assaulted as it's just other men letting him know he's gotten under their skin and has leverage over them and outside Jon mounts up, nods to Sansa and rides off with Davos and some men as CIA immediately looks up at Sansa ready to worm his way into her trust again
then in the wilderness it's getting cold af and Arya is setting up a fire and she notices her horse is getting agitated for some reason that the subtitles describe as "nickering" and Arya hears some rustling in the bushes behind her and grabs Needle and she looks around her seeing animals run around in the trees and ARYA IS SUDDENLY SURROUNDED BY WOLVES THAT SNARL AT HER AND FROM BEHIND HER CREEPS... A MASSIVE GREY DIREWOLF TWICE AS BIG AS THE REGULAR WOLVES here's something I only learned recently: direwolves were actually a real animal that lived unironically over 9000 years ago but they went extinct around the same time was saber tooth tigers, I just assumed they were fantasy creatures but rip, maybe they can clone one or something to sell to GoT fans, and Arya stares at it as she realizes... IT'S ARYA'S OLD DIREWOLF SHE SET FREE NYMERIA and Nym growls feircely at Arya so she puts her sword down and starts talking to her and Nym is confused at first but starts to recognize her as Arya starts inviting her to come home with her and Nym sniffs are her curiously as Arya reaches out for her asking her to come with her but Nym declines and just walks off back into the wild and her wolf pack fall in behind her and Arya looks sad but decides to tell her self "that's not you"
then with the Iron Fleet sailing to the mainland Obara is arguing with her asian sister over who gets to deliver the killing blow to Cersei and The Mountain with the third girl who I guess is also Elly's daughter saying he only killed their father because he got careless and when her sisters mock her for calling Elly mama she threatens to kill them and they just do it again lol and with Elly she's telling Yara their beer is like piss promising far better wine and Theon can already tell what's going on and puts his drink down so he doesn't say anything dumb as Elly asks Yara if she has a boy in every port and Yara smirks "boy, girl, depends on the port" and Elly gives her a cheeky smile and Theon doesn't want to see his sister fingering their own ally so goes to leave but Elly asks Theon for a top up as if he's their servant and Theon having been treated much worse gets her one as she flirts with Elly about developing a taste for their ale but then Yara picks up on how she treats Theon and what hes been through and tells her "he's not your servant" but Theon assures her "it's fine" awwww they're so cute together and Elly starts talking about their future aspirations and creeping on Theon and Yara puts her feet up on the table saying Theon will be her adviser and protector and Elly sits down beside her as they flirt about Theon stopping anyone from getting too close to her as ELLY SPREADS YARAS LEGS WIDE AND ASKS THEON "WHY IS HE STANDING ALL THE WAY OVER THERE THEN? A FOREIGN INVASION IS UNDER WAY" AS SHE RUNS HER HAND TO YARAS CROTCH WTF IS THIS LESBIAN INCEST CUCKOLDING SHIT?
and Theon just stares at her as he's watched a lot fucking more fucked up shit and Yara asks Elly to "leave him be" and just gives her brother a guilty shrug like hey I aint gonna turn down free pussy and Theon gives her a knowing look and walks away as Elly starts to make out with Yara telling her "looks like you don't need a protector" when suddenly THEIR BOAT COMES UNDER ATTACK AND YARA RUNS UP ON DECK TO SEE FLAMING BOMBARDMENTS RAINING DOWN ON HER FLEET AND LOOKS UP TO SEE... EURON'S MASSIVE MASTERSHIP BARING DOWN ON THEM FROM OUT OF THE FOG
AND IT RAMS STRAIGHT INTO THEIR SHIP AND A BOARDING BRIDGE SLAMS DOWN ONTOP OF A SAILOR WITH EURON RIDING IT AND ROARING "RAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!"
but Yara orders her "your mother's below deck, keep her safe" and she retreats to Elly who hears her running down the stairs and gets shook but it's her daughter and she kisses her forehead but then a bunch of men jump down and Elly nods to her girl like it's time to go to work and the Sand Snake lunges into combat and UP ON THE DECK THEON'S GOT HIS SWORD OUT AND IS HACKING GUYS DOWN WITH YARA WHO LOOKS OVER AT HER ENTIRE FLEET BURNING FROM FLAMING BOMBARDMENTS AND ONE HITS THE SAIL OF THE BOAT THEY'RE ON AND SHE LOOKS DOWN AS FLAMING WOOD FALLS DOWN ON THE BATTLING MEN AND REALIZES THEY'RE FUCKED BUT KEEPS KILLING
AND EURON IS IN THE MIDST OF THE BATTLE CHOPPING PEOPLE DOWN WITH HIS AXE LIKE THEY'RE FIREWOOD WHEN SUDDENLY A WHIP WRAPS AROUND HIS NECK PULLING HIM TOWARDS THE ASIAN SAND SNAKE
WHO HE SIMPLY PUNCHES IN THE FACE BUT OBARA STABS HIM IN THE BACK WITH HER SPEAR WHICH HE GRABS BUT SHE SWIPES HIS FEET OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND SHE TWIRLS HER SPEAR AROUND TO ATTACK BUT HE LEAPS UP AND GRABS IT AGAIN AND SMACKS HER IN THE FACE WITH IT
AND HE GETS WHIPPED IN THE BACK BY THE ASIAN GIRL WHO HE ATTACKS WITH OBARAS SPEAR AND WE SEE THE THIRD SAND SNAKE STABBING THE SHIT OUT OF THE MEN ATTACKING HER RAMMING HER KNIFE UP INTO ONE OF THEIR BALLSACKS
AND ON THE DECK OBARA KICKS AT EURON WHICH HE BLOCKS AND GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AND HEADBUTTS HER FACE AND RAMS HER ONTO HER KNEES WITH THE SPEAR SNAPPING IT IN HALF OVER HER BACK
BUT WHEN SHE SNARES HIS NECK HE GRABS THE WHIP SO SHE SPINS AT HIM SLASHING HIS SIDES WITH A KNIFE AND STABS HIS LEG BUT HE BLOCKS HER NEXT ATTACK AND HER NEXT AND PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE SENDING HER REELING AND HE WRAPS HER OWN WHIP AROUND HER THROAT AND STARTS STRANGLING HER AS THE LAST THING SHE SEES IS HER SISTERS CORPSE
AND BELLOW DECK HER SISTER IS GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THE MEN SIMPLY GRAB HER WRISTS COMPLETELY DEFEATING HER LMAO and they grab Elly who tells them "kill us! get it over with!" wanting to spare her daughter a bit of the ol rape but their leader shakes his head as they drag her up deck
BUT HE ROLLS HER OFF AND GROWLS "GIVE YOUR UNCLE A KISS!" BUT SHE SLAPS HIM AND HE STARTS WHACKING HER WITH THE BLUNT SIDE OF HIS AXE AND A GUY ATTACKS HIM SO HE SLITS HIS THROAT AND SMASHES HIS AXE DOWN AT YARA WHO DODGES OUT THE WAY AND SHE GRABS A RANDOM GUY TO USE AS A HUMAN SHIELD WHO EURON EMBEDS HIS AXE IN HIS STOMACH AND EURON GRINS AT HIS NIECES RUTHLESSNESS
AND ATTACKS AGAIN BUT YARA DEFLECTS HIS AXE WITH HER SWORD BUT HE BLOCKS HER SWINGS AS A BOMBARDMENT FLIES RIGHT PAST THEM AND HITS THEIR BOAT SPEWING A HUGE FIREBALL OUT
AND EURON PUNCHES YARA IN THE FACE AND STARTS BEATING HER WITH HI AXE HANDLE AND CHARGES INTO HER PINNING HER AGAINST SOME STAIRS AND THEON WINS A DUEL AGAINST A GUY WHEN EURON GROWLS "LITTLE THEON!" AND HE TURNS TO SEE... HIS UNCLE HOLDING HIS AXE HEAD TO HIS SISTERS THROAT and Theon goes towards them but sees Euron's men are the only survivors who are between them and Euron taunts AH COME ON YOU COCKLESS COWARD... I HAVE HER... COME AND GET HER
and Theon looks around at Euron's men slitting his men's throats like fish and cutting their gold teeth out as they're still alive EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 134
and he starts freaking out twitching erratically from the stress regressing to Reek and a tear rolls down Yara's face as she realizes she never really had her brother back and THEON JUMPS OVERBOARD ABANDONING HIS SISTER AND EURON BURSTS OUT LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY lmao ok I guess it's time to reset Theon's character development even though at this stage he probably shouldn't be scared of anything but also this is probably the smart play since Euron could clearly have killed both of them
and then we cut to OBARA SKEWERED ON THE MAST HEAD WITH HER SISTER LYNCHED BY HER OWN WHIP UNDER HER! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 135 and Theon looks up to see this while clinging to drift wood and sniffles as he watches Euron's huge mastership sail off through the burning carnage with his sister still hostage, oh well rip Obara and uhhh let me look this up Nymeria lol they were cringy and useless characters who's only motivation was lul revenge even though we never got to see them with Oberyn once but at least they got to be apart of an actually good action scene unlike the yikes fest in season 5 and it's a fitting way to kill them off having them just get completely overpowered by an extremely violent man since they're the trope of le acrobatic women le flipping about and that's a bit of the ol realism bitch for them
Game of Thrones 7x03: "The Queen's Justice" euthanasia special edition
First aired: July 30, 2017
on the angry shores of Dragonstone some Dothraki, Missy and Tyrion are greeting Jon, Davos and his party an after 7 fucking years Jon and Tyrion finally meet again and they joke about how last time they met he was pissing off The Wall and shake hands and Davos introduces himself and Tyrion realizes they fought opposite each other at Blackwater Bay and Davos tries to ignore how it was probably Tyrion's idea that killed his son and just says "unlucky for me" and he introduces Missy who formally welcomes them and asks them to turn over their weapons and Jon looks nervously at Davos who nods it's ok so his men hand over their ting tings and Jon gives his sword to the first Dothraki he's ever seen and Tyrion chuckles at how weirded out he is to see these desert savages and Davos does the typical white man's micro aggression of asking Missy where she's from and when she says "Island of Naath" he says "ah I hear it's beautiful down there, palm trees and butterflies" which I know from youtube videos actually carry a deadly disease that kills any foreigners who go there when they're out during the day lol and Missy just smiles at him politely and walks off and Davos whispers to Jon "this place has changed" lmao Davos doesn't like all the brown people coming to Westeros BASED & REDPILLED and on the walk up the stairs Tyrion asks Jon how Sansa is and it gets awkward so he assures him it was "a sham marriage, unconsummated" and when Tyrion tells him his sister is "smarter than she lets on" Jon grumbles "she's starting to let on" rofllll and Tyrion says "at some point I want to hear how a Night's Watch recruit became King in the North" it was a series of ridiculous dues ex machinas involving Stannis miraculously saving him, literally being given an extra life and then CIA miraculously saving him don't worry about it mate and Jon memes back that as long as he tells him "how a Lannister became Hand to a Targyarian" and Tyrion admits "to be honest I was drunk for most of it" lulll and Jon admits his bannermen dont support him being there and Tyrion tells him he'd have advised against it saying "Stark men don't fair well when they travel South" and Jon says "true... but I'm not a Stark" little does he know he actually is and then DROGON SUDDENLY FLIES OVER THEM SCREECHING
and Jon and Davos fucking brick it and Missy just smiles at them like welcome to the party pal and Tyrion quips "I'd say you get used to them... but you never really do" as Drogon joins his brothers circling the castle as if they're maintaining an airspace, and Varys creeps up beside the Red Lady who looks down at Davos and Jon who just kicked her out of Winterfell who taunts her "I wondered why you weren't there to meet our guests" and she claims "I've done my part, I've brought ice and fire together" a le song of le ice and le fire except Jon doesn't really have anything to do with ice other than he worked in a cold place and fights against ice themed creatures but ok duuuude and Varys immediately deduces from her not meeting with them that there is bad blood between them and the Red Lady says "my time whispering in the ears of Kings has come to an end" taking a jab at how that's all he does but Varys doesn't believe it and teases "oh I doubt that, give us common folk a taste of power and we're like the lion that tasted man, nothing is ever so sweet again" and the Red Lady points out "neither of us is common folk anymore" and Varys bows in admittance to that and the Red Lady can't be fucked playing mindgames anymore and just admits she lost favor with Jon and Davos and he senses she's being honest and asks bluntly "why?" and she admits "I made mistakes, terrible mistakes" and claims she's going off to Volantis and Varys takes the opportunity to smugly tell her not to return to Westeros as "I'm not sure you'd be safe there" but the Red Lady is operating on a level of knowledge even above him and tells him "I will return one more time, I have to die in this strange country... just like you" implying she's seen a prophecy which rustles Varys jimbos and he sighs with anxiety as he looks down at Jon's ship in the water
then in Dany's throne room Jon and Davos are walked in by some Dothraki guards to see Dany sitting on her edgy throne and Jon's jaw drops like the gormless spanner he is as Missy does the insane title drop memes that have gotten all the way up to "you stand in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, rightful heir to the Iron Throne, rightful Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains" and Jon's eyebrows get higher and higher up his forehead as the list goes on and on lmao and he looks awkwardly at Davos who just blurts out "this is Jon Snow" and Jon stands there like an absolute twat hoping he'll add something else and Davos panics and adds "he's King in the North!" hahahaahahahah
and Tyrion struggles not to laugh and there's an awkward moment where Dany calls Jon Lord and Davos apologizes for his Flea Bottom accent (which is meant to be cockney but he sounds more Irish most of the time) clarifying that he's the KING and Dany is like u wot and Tyrion introduces Davos and Dany memes on him saying "the last King in the North was Torrhen Stark... who bent the knee to my ancestor Aegon Targaryen... do I have my facts wrong?" and Davos, having learnt pretty well how to deal with megalomaniacs just says "I wasn't there your grace" and Dany insists that that means Jon has to bend the knee too and Jon looks down depressed that they are already coming into conflict and tells her "I am not" and Dany's eyes light up as she might get the opportunity to have someone killed (an interesting thing to note is that Dany has never actually killed anyone herself, she always has others do it for her) and goes "...oh... well that is unfortunate" and grins creepily at him lmao I like how as Emilia Clark gets better at acting as the show goes on it's all put into making Dany seem unhinged the more power she gets and Jon just reminds her "your father burned my grandfather alive, he burned my uncle alive" wait so did Benjen survive that or did Ned have two brothers? or was Benjen a Tully? anyway Dany very begrudgingly admits "my father... was an evil man" and forces herself to ask for forgiveness and not judge her by him and argues that when the Targs were King and the Starks were Warden of the North Westeros had it's longest peace and goes wide eyed as she says "I am the last Targaryen Jon Snow" and asks again to bend the knee to "save this country from those who destroy it" wait I thought they used the term realm not country, lis at the writers forgetting their own terminology constantly and Jon looks around like he's starting to realize how off her rocker Dany is and says he wont judge her for her fathers crimes just like how he's not beholden to his ancestors vows and Dany struggles to keep calm as she asks "then why are you here?" and Jon tries to say they have a common enemy but Dany just looks angrily at Tyrion and asks "did you see three dragons flying overhead when you arrived? and did you see the Dothraki all of whom have sworn to kill for me?" and Jon memes "they're hard to miss" and Dany asks "but still I need your help?" and Davos explains "not to defeat Cersei" saying how Stannis almost took it and Tyrion points out "almost" and Jon points out she doesn't want civilian casualties so is at least better than Cersei but "you, I, Cersei and everyone else, we're children playing at a game, screaming that the rules aren't fair" and Dany gets extremely rustled at Dany not calling her Queen, bowing and now calling her a child and Tyrion tries to excuse it as a figure of speech and Jon can't believe this is the woman who's come to save the day and explains "Your Grace everyone you know will die before winter is over if we don't defeat the enemy to the North!" and Dany claims that's him and Jon drops "I am not your enemy, the dead are your enemy!" and Dany is like "....the dead? is that another figure of speech?" and looks at Tyrion like is this dude fucking autistic or what? and Jon drops the lore rundown for all the casual viewers who missed the previously on segment, Brans vision and The Hound's vision "the Army of the Dead is on the march" and Tyrion is like ya wot and Jon tells him he knows he's not a liar or a madman and insists "the Army of the Dead is real! the White Walkers are real! the Night Walker is real! I've seen! if they get past The Wall and we're squabbling amongst ourselves... we're finished" and Davos looks at Tyrion to let him know this is for real and Dany gives a big bitter rant about being born in this castle and fleeing from his father's best friend's assassins (very funny how this vital part of her life, the most formative and vast majority of it, has not been elaborated on at all, bravo DnD) and she starts marching towards Jon saying "I spent my life in foreign lands, so many men have tried to kill me, I don't remember all their names, I have been sold like a broodmare, I have been chained and betrayed, RAPED and defiled, do you know what kept me standing through all those years in exile? faith, not in any gods, not in myths and legends, IN MYSELF, in Daenerys Targeryen, the world had not seen dragons for centuries until my children were born... the Dothraki hadn't crossed the sea, any sea, they did for me, I was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms... and I will" while staring him in the face with her big kawaii eyes simmering with dares for him to defy her so she can show him who she is
and Jon just replies to this big dramatic speech "you'll be ruling over a graveyard if we don't defeat the Night King" and seeing that Dany is about to kick off Tyrion tries to say "the war against my sister has already begun" and Davos tells Dany seeing that Jon isn't very good at big dramatic speeches "you don't believe him, I understand that, it sounds like nonsense" but appeals to her sense of destiny and argues that fate also brought Jon to providence, not because of birthright because he's a bastard, but because his men believe in him "all those things you don't believe in? he faced those things, he fought those things for the good of his people, he risked his life for his people, he took a knife in the heart for his people, he gave his own l-" but Jon glares at Davos and he shuts up realizing that claiming Jon was resurrected is not exactly going to make them sound any saner and Tyrion and Dany share a glance like they think they're fucking mental so Davos just tells them if they all die "it doesn't matter who's skeleton sits on the Iron Throne" well unless they get reanimated and can sit on it as a zombie and Tyrion argues if it doesn't matter then you might as well kneel" and if they defeat Cersei first they can go North but Jon snaps it takes no time and Tyrion tries to convince him it takes no time to bend the knee either and Jon snaps "I mean no offence Your Grave but I don't know you, as far as I can tell your claim to the Throne is your fathers name" and says his father fought against her father and he'll always be loyal to his Northern brothers and Dany gets a creepy smile with her eyes narrowing and says "that's fair............... it's also fair to point out I'm the rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms" and accuses him of being in rebelion by calling himself King and then as she's about to kick off Varys comes running in to whisper something in her hear so she tells them they can go to their rooms and says something in Dothraki to her guard to take them away and Jon asks worried "am I your prisoner?" and Dany replies "not yet" and as soon as they're gone Varys gives the bad news about their Iron Fleet being almost entirely destroyed or captured with Ellaria, the Sand Snakes and Greyjoys also dead or captured and Dany asks "all of them?"
and we cut to Theon being pulled aboard... by some Iron Born... but it's his guys and they ask "your sister dead?" and Theon mumbles "Euron has her" and the gruff man asks "you saw him take her? but you got away?" accusing him of cowardice and Theon whimpers "I tried to save her, I tried" but the man knows "you wouldn't be here if you tried" and him and all the men just walk away losing all respect for Theon as he lays on the deck in a pile of damp patheticness
then in King's Landing with a big shit eating grin on his face EURON IS PARADING YARA THROUGH THE STREETS ON A COLAR AND LEAD LMAOOOO and some City Guard and his soldiers are escorting Elly and her daughter and civilians scream at her "murderer!" for poisoning their princess and Euron blows kisses to the women praising him lul and I notice one woman is clapping while holding some cabbage for some reason lol I guess to throw at the prisoners or something and ah yes here comes the rotten food as citizens scream "WHORES! TRAITOR!" at Elly in particular and Euron sighs "ah this is the life, look at them cheering for a Greyjoy!" and he yanks Yara closer and EURON TELLS HIS NIECE "I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THIS IS MAKING ME HARD! did you see Little Theon's face right before he jumped overboard? "oh nooooo!" hahaha! what a twat!"
and the crowd starts booing Elly angrily and A MAN SPITS IN ELLYS FACE, WOW EPIC SOME MORE PUBLICDISGRACE.COM PORNO NICE ONE DND and the Sand Snake endures having rotten food thrown at her while Yara goes mostly untouched as most of them don't even know who they are and Euron gets up to the Red Keep as they keep yelling "whores! whores! whores!" at them and then rides his horse straight into the Iron Throneroom like Tywin once did as the whole court claps for him and Elly looks up at The Mountain, or what used to be him, who crushed the love of her life's fucking head in front of her, who doesn't even react to her, and Euron gives Jaime a cheeky smile and then drags forward Elly and her daughter on a chain to Cersei and drops them in front of her and Euron says while looking at Jaime "I gave you what no other man could give: justice! justice for your murdered daughter!" me thinks Elly's own daughter is in for a bit of a rape and ELLY SPITS AT CERSEI'S THRONE and Cersei just smiles to see Elly is not even denying it and making it clear in front of everyone she's their enemy so she can do whatever she wants to her and Cersei gasps and has to steady her breathing almost as if she's... getting aroused, and while not taking her eyes off Elly she tells Euron he's a true friend of the crown and when he says "you deserve more than a true friend" not wanting to get stuck in the friendzone Cersei goes wide eyed at the aggrivation from this retard that she'll soon be able to take out on Elly and tells him "you deserve a reward for your heroism" and he whispers creepily "there's only one reward I want!" and Jaime looks super rustled as she grits her teeth and says "you shall have what your heart desires..... when the war is won" and then stands up announcing to her people "with Euron Greyjoy leading our naval forces and Jaime Lannister leading our armies the sons and daughters of Westeros will defend our country" and everyone cheers and claps having been whipped up into a terror over Dany's arrival
and Euron holds up his hand narcacistically and memes to Jaime "there's nothing quite like it is there? the love of the people... although I suppose you wouldn't know!" and Jaime reminds him "the same mob spat at my sister not long ago, and if you turn on us they'll cheer to see your head mounted on a spike" and Euron says with a huge smile "or yours! they just like severed heads really" and taunts him asking if he has any brotherly advise and Jaime asks "advise?" and Euron gets up in his face and asks "does she like it gentle... or rough? A FINGER IN THE BUM?" and when Jaime is about to tear his fucking face off in front of everyone he chides "shh shh shh shh not now we'll talk later!" and Jaime's actor does a great job of his eye twitching as he can barely restrain himself from stabbing this guy in the back as he strides off through the clapping crowd
then in a dank dungeon, uh oh, The Mountain is glaring down at Elly as Cersei villain monologues "I want you to know I understand, even though we're enemies you and I, I understand what drives you, I was there that day when Ser Gregor crushed your lovers head... I close my eyes... I can hear the sound of Oberyn's skull breaking..." and Elly grunts and flails at the chains binding her as Cersei recalls the gore again almost erotically oh muh baabyyyyy"the sound of your scream... I never heard a sound like that, I thought "that's true love!" Oberyn looked beautiful that day he really did, no one moved like him, no one had such skill with a spear, even Ser Gregor couldn't stop him!" and she looks up at The Mountain's soulless eyes under his helmet with a breathlessly tone as if the more desirable Oberyn was the better it was to see him died m-m-m-muh dickkkkk and Cersei points out "if only he hadn't taunted him, he could have walked away and left poor Ser Gregor to die... but that wasn't your lovers way was it? and now he's buried somewhere and here's Ser Gregor stronger than ever, that must be difficult for you..." and the smile leaves Cersei's pink lips (that's something I just thought of I bet make-up looked totally different in "those days" but is all very modern styled) as she starts ranting angrily "when my daughter was taken from me, my only daughter... well you can't imagine how that feels unless you've lost a child, I fed her at my own breast even though they told me to give her to the wet nurse... I couldn't bare to see her in another woman's arms, I never got to have a mother, but Myrcella did, she was mine, and you took her from me, why did you do that?!" and Elly just stares at her as she knows there's nothing she can say to save herself or her own daughter, nice emotional speech about a character we only got to see in like one scene with Cersei lul, and Cersei realizes "doesn't matter now..." and goes mischievously over to uhhh let me look this up, Tyene, and she is played by the same woman she just looked different from her long hair lmao, oh yeah this is le baaaad poooooosaaaay girl, and Cersei taunts "your daughter's a beauty too, those brown eyes... those lips... perfect Dornish beauty, I imagine she's your favourite, I know I know we're not supposed to have favourites but still we're only human.. we love who we love..." and Elly squirms about in anxiety as Cersei looks her daughter up and down and Cersei mocks "I'm sorry I can't understand you? the gag makes it impossible to understand what you're saying, it must be frustrating!" as Elly starts breaking down and trying to scream threats at Cersei (this TV trope of someone not being able to speak because there's a cloth tied through their mouth is retarded, in real life you can talk with like an entire ballgag between your lips by just yelling and it's understandable even if you can't make certain sounds) and she tells her "we all make our choices, you chose to murder my daughter, you must have felt powerful after you made that choice" and Elly lunges at Cersei in her chains shrieking and she just stands there and asks "do you feel powerful now?" staring at her inches from her face and then tells her "I don't sleep very well, not at all really, I lie in bed and stare at the canopy imagining ways to kill my enemies, how to destroy Ellaria Sand the woman who murdered my only daughter... I thought of having Ser Gregor crush your skull like he did Oberyn's, it would be poetic I suppose but fast too fast... I thought about having him crush your daughters skull... she's so beautiful... the thought of this lovely face cracking open like a duck egg, no, it's just not right!"
who gasps "mama!" and Elly starts crying and grunting as she realizes CERSEI USED POISON LIPSTICK ON HER ah that explains why she has extremly garrish pink lipstick lmao I thought she was gonna rape her or something and then Qyburn comes in and puts a gag on Tyene and Cersei wipes the lipstick off her lips uhhh where the antidote at and she says "Qyburn, he's the cleverest man I now, clever enough to learn what poison you used to murder Myrcella" and ah yes Qyburn hands her the antidote to The Long Ferewell and says it takes hours to days to take effect and Cersei's like "but death is certain?" and Qyburn says "oh yes Your Grace quite certain" as if he's just sharing a fun factoid with the women and Cersei kneels in front of Elly and tells the agonized woman
"your daughter will die here in this cell... and you will be here watching when she does, you'll be here the rest of your days... if you refuse to eat we'll force food down your throat... you will live to watch your daughter rot, to watch that beautiful face collapse to bone and dust... all the while contemplating the choices you've made, make sure the guards change the torches every few hours I don't want her to miss a thing" EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 136
and Cersei walks out as Elly and Tyene tug on their chains to try to reach each other, very nice and edgy although it's hard to feel sorry for either of them since Elly was a completely unreasonably and belligerent retard who wanted to avenge the man who offered himself up for trial by combat and lost from his own ego and did so by killing an innocent 14 year old girl and her cringe queen daughter helped and supported her so like what were you expecting to happen when you killed the daughter of the most powerful army in the country lmao, so uhhh since I take it this is the last we see of the Dorne storyline uhhhhhhhhhhh what was the point of the Sand Snakes? they are built up to be such amazing assassins and they fail to do anything to Jaime and Bronn and kill one 15 year old boy rofl, wouldn't it have been cool to, like, send them to chase down Jaime and Bronn as they tried to get to Myrcella who's in some remote location so it's like a multi-episode chase and they kill the narratively useless Bronn at some stage and Jaime has to fight for survival with one-hand by himself to get to his daughter to show how much he loves his family or something? rather than one cringe-core shit fight in a courtyard with no consequences or meaning as Jaime could have just asked the King to send her back home and he'd have done it, or maybe send the Snakes to King's Landing and Jaime has to race them back there to protect Cersei? or send one of them to kill Jon to keep the Bolton's in power to better fuck over the Lannisters and Brie and Pod have to stop them? or send some to kidnap Tyrion and randsom him to Cersei? you know, literally anything related to assassination or an action orientated plot with these action assassin characters? there were fucking 8 of them mentioned come on, oh well rip these really lame characters
then we see Jaime taking off his golden hand and we finally see his stump again after like 3 seasons so they don't have to CGI out his real hand or have the actor put his arm behind his back or some shit and when Cersei comes in he downs his wine and goes to put his arm back on as he doesn't want to seem weak in front o her now Euron has made him feel cucked but Cersei just takes it off of him so he's not fiddling with it and Cersei goes to kiss Jaime, literally turned on from killing Elly's daughter in front of her, and Jaime says "no" but CERSEI KEEPS KISSING JAIME WTF NOW SHE'S THE ONE SEXUALLY ASSAULING HIM!!!
and just like a certain terrible scene from season 4 Jaime gives in and lets her kiss him and stands up to put his hand on the back of her head, the universal sign of consent as we all know, but Cersei pulls his hands away, drops to her knees, drops his pants, squeezes his ass and CERSEI STARTS SUCKING HER BROTHER OFF! INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 10UHHHHHH I HOPE SHE CLEANED THE POISON OFF HER LIPS REAL FUCKING WELL LMAO
then the morning after Jaime is watching Cersei sleep staring lovingly at her but a knock on the door wakes her up and he whispers "dont" but she kisses him and gets out of bed showing her b-boobies and gets a dressing gown on and Jaime asks "what are you doing? no one can see us like this" and Cersei says "I am the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms I'll do as I please" and CERSEI OPENS THE DOOR LETTING A YOUNG WOMAN SEE HER BROTHER NAKED IN HER BED and this woman is wearing some Hugo Boss looking get-up too idk what is with all the fashy fashion this season and she awkwardly says "forgive me Your Grace the visitor from Braavos has arrived" uh oh is it le Faceless Men time to fuc up the rest of the story? and Cersei tells her servent confidently "good and we'll need fresh sheets from the bed" and closes the door smiling that she can do whatever she wants now and Jaime lays back chuckling at the balls on his sister, based, legalize incest in Westeros now also note how in the start of the show it's a subtle twisted co-dependent relationship you rarely see on-screen but now Cersei goes on rants about how she loves her brother inside her and have blowjob scenes lul oh well it all got fucked up after the whole not-rape incident so rip
then it turns out the guest from Braavos is actually the (((Banker))) guy who of course turns down an offer of wine and he gives his condolences for *checks notes for Cersei's latest bereavement* Tommen's death but she gets down to buisness and the Banker compliments her on being the first Queen and "throwing off the yoke of superstician" aka doing 9/11 but Cersei over dramatically claims it was a tragic accident and the Banker smarms "indeed, but sometimes tragedies are necessary" and Cersei just sums up "the Iron Bank wants it's gold back" and he compares her to her father's frankness and points out she's fighting a multi-front war and Cersei reminds him "god wins wars" and he sums up why they can't win with the Tyrells as their enemy and Cersei realizes "the Iron Bank wants to bet on a winner" this whole gambling on wars thing is a bit of a meme since like wtf do they do now with Stannis's debt since he's fucking dead due to losing his war and immolated his only remaining known relative lmao and the Banker insists they don't bet, they invest, and Cersei tells him she's cut the head off the Dornish snake and owns the Narrow Sea but he corrects her that it's Euron that does and wooden ships cant stand up to dragon fire and Cersei turns Dany back around on him asking how are his profits now that Dany freed all the slaves and asks "in your experience how do bankers usually fare with revolutionaries?"#OCCOPY THE IRON BANK and reminds him of her favorite epic meme "a Lannister always pais their debts, do former slaves or Dothraki or dragons?" and he gets a satisfied smile and tells her "you're your father's daughter indeed!" and she swears to him she'll pay him back within a fortnite (after she just flosses on a few more noobs skins)
then on a cliff with a lovely view Tyrion walks up to Jon and jokes about how "I came up here to brood about my failure to predict the Greyjoy attack, you're making it very difficult, you look a lot better brooding than I do, you make me feel like I'm failing about brooding over failing" as Jon maddogs the sea itself and he starts bitching about how he cant leave now they've seized his ship and Tyrion tries to downplay him being a prisoner and talk him into helping them and Jon snaps "it's hard for me to fathom it really is! if someone told me about the White Walkers and the Night King........... you probably don't believe me" as he realizes he wouldn't believe it either if he hadn't seen it lmao and Tyrion claims he does believe in them now that Jon claims he and a decent man like Mormont claim they saw them and Jon asks how to convince people and Tyrion tells him "peoples minds aren't made for problems that large, it's almost a relief to confront a comfortable familiar monster like my sister" which is a wee bit of pottery comparing the Night King to global warming again since people would rather bitch about that one ruler they don't like in their own country than deal with issues on a global scale that just stresses them out to try and conceive of it and Jon asks him to be able to leave for the sake of his people but Tyrion tells him not to give up and Jon says everyone was right about him following in Ned's footsteps falling into dumbass traps but Tyrion reminds him "children are not their father, thankfully for both of us" and assures him that Dany really is a good person and spent years liberating slaves and to waste some more time in the pacing he suggests he goes and talks to all the people she's saved and reminds him they have more in common than it might seem as they both want to protect the innocent from monsters and Tyrion awkwardly asks if he needs any help
and then we cut to Tyrion asking Dany for Dragonglass but she's like wtf is this dipshit on about but since it's him asking she takes it seriously and Tyrion explains the vague mythology behind how dragonglass can kill the White walkers or their minions or whatever and Dany asks if he really believes him and he says he'd like to think he was wrong but quotes a wise man saying you can't refuse to believe something just because you want to and Dany catches him "are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?" and he's like "......I would never do that........ to you" lol and argues Jon must be for real if he risks himself to be there and there's no down side to letting him waste his time mining dragonglass and the upside is he owes Dany now and Dany remembers what Davos said about him taking a knife to the heart and Tyrion tries to excuse it as a flight of fantasy, probably knowing it's real but not trusting Dany with the power of +1 lives since she's already mental enough
then on the steps leading up to the castle Dany is watching her two smaller dragons casually flying over the sea to the mainland to hint and Jon comes down saying "amazing thing to see" and she explains "I named them for my brothers, Viserys and Rhaegar" oh yeah and I guess she named Drogon after uh being a dragon great work and talks to him about how he's lost two brothers too and says some dumb shit about reexamining what you think you know since dragons are back as if he doesn't know for a fact his brothers are dead lol and he calls her out for repeating Tyrion's shit and she says he loves talking since "we all like what we're good at" and Jon enters super brooding mode and growls "I don't" which is I guess killing motherfuckers and Dany assures him she will take the Iron Throne and rule the North but Jon still refuses to bow and it gets super awkward so Dany tells him he can mine the dragonglass there and sad music comes on as Jon asks if she believes him but she just says "you'd better get to work Jon Snow" as she's just trying to play him but looks after him thinking twice
then in Winterfell all the civilians are milling about stocking the place up for winter Sasna asks how much they have and one of the Lord says a year, and she asks what the longest winter has been in the last 100 year, but the maester doesn't know, and Sansa points out they don't have anywhere near enough food as Winterferll is the best tactical spot in the North and everyone will flee there if it kicks off and orders them to take more food from local Lords assuring them they can either come there to use it or just have it back if nothing happens so they know they can defend one position for sure which the Lord says is very wise and then she orders him to tell their blacksmiths to add leather to their armor for when the real cold comes and CIA compliments her "command suits you" but she just ignores him and he starts trying to scare her about Cersei but Sansa mocks him for trying to explain "that the woman who murdered my mother, father and brother is dangerous? thank you for your wise counsel" and CIA tries to argue that it doesn't matter for anyone if the dead win but if they don't then it'll be Cersei coming for them and tells her some dank ass shit "fight every battle everywhere, always, in your mind, everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend... every possible series of events is happening all at once, live that way and nothing will surprise you, everything that happens will be something that you've seen before" which is actually great life advise and most people's problems comes from not being able to think long term and figure out things like yeah maybe I shouldn't have lots of casual sex without protection, get drunk every weekend, not think about where all my dysfunctional relationships are leading or whatever dumb shit normies do and visualizing things is a very good way to prepare yourself for stressful situations if you just picture it all going well or to remind yourself not to be too complacent by imagining how something that's easy for you going wrong and I guess plays into the kinda theme about determinism where according to Bran's POV everything's pre-determined and he can simply perceive more of it than most people but at least in his mind palace CIA sees multiple outcomes
and Sansa just stares at him getting worried that she wants to fuck over a guy so cunning but then a man comes and calls her to the gate and CIA gives himself a cheeky smirk like he loves being so smug and Sansa rushes to see a crowd gathering in concern as she finds... BRAN IS FINALLY BACK AT WINTERFELL and Sansa looks super shook to see her little brother so grown up and Bran just says blankly "hello Sansa" and Sansa rushes to hug him but Bran just sits there unemotionally as if he's already been following everything she was doing with his new abilities anyway
then in what I only just realized is a private forest cordoned off from the rest of the world beside Winterfell with that big holy white tree in it Sansa is telling Bran she wishes Jon were still there and Bran says blankly "yes I need to speak to him" and Sansa points out that now he's the Lord of Winterfell but he tells her he can't be as he's the Three-Eyed Raven and Sansa is like u wot m8 and he says "it means I can see everything, everything that's every happened to everyone, everything that is happening right now" lmao Bran is like an isekai protagonist who was a GoT fanboy who's read all the books and knows everyones extremely elaborite backstory and got transported to Westeros now watch him not use this extremely overpowered ability to help them defeat their enemies and Sansa looks concerned as this is similar to what CIA was saying but not just trying to predict things but actually seeing them and he explains "it's all pieces now, fragments, I need to get better at seeing, when the Long Night comes again... I need to be ready" and looks at the face on the tree and Sansa asks wtf is going on and Bran is like "the Three-Eyed Raven told me... I know it's difficult to explain" in his monotone voice
and then suddenly says "I'm sorry for all that's happened to you, I'm sorry that it had to happen here in our home" and Sansa realizes he aint just crazy and actually is omnipotent as he goes "it was so beautiful that night... snow falling... just like now... and you were so beautiful... in your white wedding dress" and Sansa gets super shook as BRAN DESCRIBES WATCHING HER GETTING RAPED WITH HIS ASTRAL PROJECTION and says she needs to get inside and runs off and Bran just sits there saying "I'll stay a little longer" as his sister leaves her disabled brother sitting in the snow alone lmao great work
then in the Citadel the archmaester is examining Jorah who has had all his scales removed and some sort of ointment applied by poking him with a stick but Jorah isn't flinching at all and has his normal skin back despite some discoloration and he asks "does it work?" and Jorah says "a bit, but less than before" seeming very happy and the maester says "the infection appears to no longer be active" and Jorah sighs in relief and the maester says "unusual, unlikely" and deduces his exposed skin was treated with "some sort of unguent" and Jorah claims "don't know anything about that, I just started feeling better, I assumed it was the rest that did it... and the climate" and Sam looks relieved that Jorah remembered to cover or him and the maester doesn't buy it but tells him "you're free to go, this chamber is needed for the infected which you are no longer" and Jorah hangs his head in relief but the maester calls Sam away and he asks "how bad is it?" not wanting this nice man who saved him to get in trouble over him and Sam just asks what he'll do now and Jorah talks about how he gave up hope as soon as he saw his arm but Dany was the one who saved him so now he owes her... and Sam his life, and Sam tells him "your father saved me more than once, it's the least I could do" and Jorah gives a little smile as he realizes his father protected him one last time even if he didn't mean or want to, pottery and tells him "perhaps our paths will cross again" and Sam tells him "I hope they do" and then dares to shake his hand and Jorah cant believe he trusts him to touch him and shakes his hand with both hands overjoyed that he can have human contact again then with the archmaester he's grilling Sam for treating Jorah despite his orders not to telling him it was for his own safety and the safety of the Citadel... but asking him how the fuck he managed such a dangerous precise procedure when everyone else failed and Sam just said "I read the books and followed the instructions?" and the maseter commends him for saving Jorah's life and tells him he should be proud and Sam nods bashfully and thanks him as the archmaester gives him his next task of making copies of all these rotting books and when Sam looks rustled he chides him that his only reward is not being immediately expelled from the Citadel and warns him that the paper mites like flesh too lul, well that was a bit disappointing I was expecting Jorah to have an epic quest but just coincidentally Sam can somehow follow a guide accurately enough when none of the other smartest people in the country who have far more medical experience than him can do it, I was expecting Sam to at least have to go do something hard to get the ointment or something, doesn't really make much sense that the instructions are right there in the biggest library in the world with the smartest people in the world but only Sam can read them lmao but whatever
then in Dragonstone the now much smaller counsel at Dany's war table, wait where is Lady Tyrell I'm scared for her, well Dany is saying they need to go light up Euron's fleet but Varys warns her against risking more ships but she implies it'll be the dragons and Varys looks worried at Tyrion who asks if she'd have to go herself flying around the open seas for who knows how long and Dany snaps "I wouldn't be alone" insisting no one can defeat her dragons but Missy points out she's not so invulnerable and Tyrion tells her it's too risky and Varys updates her on the Unsillied arriving in Casterly Rock soon and Tyrion warns her that Cersei knows they're coming and that Tyrion would know to attack there so they'll be ready and then we finally see the Lannister home castle Casterly Rock
as Tyrion says "no one has ever taken the rock" and talking about how Tywin's army is still the best in the country and there will be 10K men there as we see men in their red uniforms flock to the ramparts to arm their bows as they see Dany's huge fleet arriving and we see Grey Worm putting on his badass helmet ready to make land as we see the men stack up on rocks and then open fire on shield formations of Unsullied marching on the walls and Tyrion's voice over goes "the gates o Casterly Rock are impregnable" as we see Unsullied falling to the arrows but them managing to get bamboo ladders on the wall but as they climb up they get rocks and arrows rained down on them as Tyrion says his father predicted waves would die on those walls but then adds that while he built his army from scratch and that castle from ruin... "he didn't build the sewers, that was beneath him, so he gave the job to the lowest person he could find: me" uh oooooooooh and Tyrion admits he designed the sewers with a secret passage way to sneak in prostitutes for himself lmao
and we see the Unsullied using that secret entrance to get under and inside the fortress and we see them sneaking around like some MGS shit taking people out with stealth kills and Tyrion quotes Bronn saying "as a good friend once said: give me 10 good men and I'll impregnate the bitch"
as we see the stealth team simply open the front door for their comrades and THE UNSULLIED ARMY SWARM IN AS THE ENTIRE CASTLE FILLS UP LIKE A MOSHPIT OF THEM FIGHTING THE LANNISTER SOLDIERS SLITTING THEIR THROATS AND RAMMING THEM THROUGH WITH SPEARS
AND GREY WORM RUNS UP TO THE SECOND FLOOR SOLOING EVERY CUNT IN HIS WAY AND WHEN A GUY RUNS UP BEHIND HIM HE JUST THROWS HIS SPEAR THROUGH THE GUYS CHEST PINNING HIM TO A DOOR
as Tyrion explains the Lannister army fights for their Queen out of fear but the Unsullied fight for the Queen out of love for freeing them, and then after the batle is over Grey Worm and his boys step over the ramparts that are completely swamped in dead bodies as his man tells him they're all done and Grey Worm is confused saying "there are meant to be more than this... much more" and looks out at sea to see DANY'S FLEET UNDER BOMBARDMENT BY EURON GREYJOYS FLEET uhhhh right so an entire fleet snuck up on their fleet and no one in the caslte saw or heard this...... ebin... and Grey Worm grabs a dead guy and demands to know where the rest of his men are but the dude is long gone
and we cut to see where the rest of the Lannister army is marching in a massive formation of shieldmen and archers and cavalry that Jaime rides through to command the front of with Lord Tarly and Bronn behind him as they march on....
s... some castle we haven't seen before? and why is it literally in the middle of nowhere, don't castles have to have towns around them to supply them with food and shit?
and she looks sad and goes back inside as the Lannisters effortlessly take the castle and Jaime marches through the sea of dead bodies being sorted through and struts through the corridors his men now control and walks into Olenna's room and she sighs "it's done" and Jaime confirms "it is" and she quotes probably the Rains of Castimere or something I'm too lazy to look up at this stage "and now the rains weep o'er our halls" and she exasperatedly asks "did we fight well?" and Jaime looks around awkward and says "as best as can be expected" and she admits "it was never our forte, golden roses indeed" and Jaime pours himself a wine and Olenna tells him "your brother and the new Queen thought you would be defending Casterly Rock" and Jaime admits "the truth is Casterly Rock isn't worth much anymore... well it is to me, but my fond childhood memories won't keep Cersei on the throne" and explains they won't be able to hold it without their fleet and no supplies left for them and Olenna says "so you took your real army to where they weren't" and Jaime says "as Robb Stark did to me at Whispering Wood, there are always lessons in failures" and Olenna gives one of her classic quips "yes, you must be very wise by now" fucking rekkkkkkkttttttttt and Jaime just admits "my father always said I was a slow learner" and Olenna asks "if he was so clever... why didn't he take Highgarden the moment your gold mines ran dry? I suppose I'll be able to ask him myself soon enough, no more learning from my mistakes eh? how will you do it? with that sword? that was Joffrey's sword wasn't it, not that he ever used it..." ah I was wondering where that went, funny how he gave his own to Brie and she thought it was such an honor for him to give up this rare metal but then he just too Joffrey's old one lmao, I was just reading about how when Joffrey asked the crowd what to name it the man who yells out "Stormbringer!" is a reference to another fantasy book series about all the people to use one legendary sword called that, not to be confused with Thor's new hammer Stormbreaker and they talk about the same thing "what did he call it?" and Jaime says awkwardly "Widow's Wail" as he knows what a cringy incel thing to call your sword that is and Olenna sighs "he really was a cunt wasn't he?" and Jaime just smiles at her in agreement lmaoooo and Olenna says "I did unspeakable things to protect my family or watched them being done on my orders, I never lost a night's sleep over them, they were necessary, and whatever I imagined necessary for the safety of House Tyrell I did, but your sister has done things... I was incapable of imagining... that was my prize mistake, a failure of imaginzation" very obviously repeating what CIA was saying as the writers try to force a theme on us and she tells him bluntly "she's a monster you do know that?" and Jaime smarms "to you? I'm sure, to others as well... but after we've one and there's no one left to oppose us, when people are living peacefully in the wold she built do you really think they'll wring their hands over the way she built it?" and Olenna looks at him like he's a silly little boy for saying this ends justify the means shit since obviously in real life the means never actually arrive and realizes "you love her, you really do love her, you poor fool, she'll be the end of you" and Jaime admits "possibly... not much to be gained from discussing it with you though is there?" and Olenna proposes "who better to discuss it with? what better guarantee could you have that the things you say will never leave this room?" unless of course he doesn't plan on killing her and she sighs "but perhaps you're right, if she's driven you this far it's gone beyond your control" trying to play off his need for asserting himself but Jaime just says "yes... it has" and looks sadly at her and Olenna tells him "she is a disease, I regret my role in spreading it, you will too" and Jaime gets uncomfortable and snaps "I think we're done here" and stands up Olenna perks up as if she's almost excited to see how her life ends and asks again "how will it happen?" and Jaime tells her "Cersei had several ideas: whipping you through the streets and beheading you in front of the Red Keep... flaying you alive and hanging you from the walls of King's Landing..."
and Olenna looks off into the distance lookingly worried that she'll die hard but Jaime says "I talked her out of those"... and pops open a little bottle's cork and adds it to her wine and slides it towards her... and Olenna smiles that there is some honor left in him and maybe her final words will be able to work and carry on her memes even if her genes are gone and she asks "will there be pain?" and Jaime assures her "no, I made sure of that" and Olenna just says "that's good" and OLENNA DOWNS THE POISONED WINE IN ONE GO
and puts her hands to her lips in disbelief what she's just done but decides to go out with one last epic dab on the haters and smiles to Jaime saying "I'd hate to die like your son... clawing at my neck, foam and bile spilling from my mouth, eyes bloodred, skin purple... must have been horrible for you, as a Kingsguard, as a father" and Jaime just stands there waiting for her to be done allowing her one last angry rant before she passes but Onella taunts "it was horrible enough for me, a shocking scene, not at all what I intended, you see I never had seen the poison work before..." and Jaime bricks it as she admits to murdering his first born son (inb4 that poison was fake and this is a ruse to get her to confess but that would be clever writing so never mind) and Olenna puts down the glass and whispers to him "tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me" and then just stares at him waiting for the poison to kick in and Jaime gets super shook that he can't exactly take revenge on a woman who he just mercy killed and storms out leaving Olenna sitting there satisfied she got to give one last big fuck you to this world she'd lost respect for long ago, fucking rip Olenna she was such a great character since she's le strong female character but she actually gets to be old which is usually only allowed for male characters like Tywin and all the older male characters since American's kill themselves if they see a postmenopausal woman on their TV
Game of Thrones 7x04: "The Spoils of War" Arya's shounen anime special edition
First aired: August 6, 2017
we open on the massive Lannister army pulling out of Highgarden, where maybe Olenna shouldn't have returned to and stayed on Dragonstone lol, when Jaime stops one of the wagons taking all the Tyrell's gold away so he can grab a gold to finally pay Bronn who asks him why he's so mad and Jaime just ignores him but Bronn keeps prodding and Jaime tells him "I'll save my confession for the High Septon" and Bronn reminds him "there is no more High Septon" and Jaime reminds him "no there isn't is there" as a threat and Bronn keeps prying for more rewards and asks for Highgarden and Jaime warns him Dany could attack it at any day and it'll just waste his money to upkeep and Bronn taunts him for taking money right now but Jaime says it all has to go Iron Bank and Bronn whines for more gold so Jaime tells him "Bronn of the Blackwater, formerly of... whatever nameless shit heap you're from, with a saddlebag full of gold complaining about not being paid" and tells him he can have any castle he wants but Bronn chides "ah yes I'm sure Queen Cersei's rule will be quiet and peaceful" and Jaime says "eh stranger things have happened" and Bronn asks "like what?" and Jaime can't think of anything lmao and then he orders Bronn to go help the Tarly soldiers "motivate reluctant farmers to hand over their harvest" as they need to stock up on food and Bronn gets the implication and rides off with Lord Tarly and his twat son to go shake down some poor serfs
and then with the (((Banker))) I just learned from the subtitles is called Tycho is complimenting Cersei for repaying him so much all at once which has never happened even with his bank before and Cersei just wants him to fuck off already as this guy rants on about how he is merely an agent of his institutions flawless understanding of arithmetic so she just stands up and walks over to pour herself a drink and tells him the gold is on it's way and Tycho admits his colleges will be disappointed as they were enjoying the interest she was racking up and offers to do more business together and she talks about how Qyburn is considering hiring the Golden Company mercs and Tycho vouches for them saying they've helped him recover funds before which Cersei likes the sound of and Tycho promises her their support... "as soon as the gold arrives" and Cersei stares slightly annoyed at him like she's calculating if she can murder him yet or not as she's gone full edgequeen
then in Winterfell we see CIA offering Bran a knife... "the last man who wielded it tried to cut your throat but your mother fought him off" but Bran just sits there until CIA really pushes it on him to take and CIA claims "the other dagger, the one that took her life, I would have stopped that dagger with my own heart if I could have" and says he's here to protect her children for her and offers to do anything he asks and Bran asks "do you know who this belongs to?" and CIA smiles "no, that very question was what started the War of the Five Kings" and sums up everything that happened to Bran because of that knife's owner being unknown and Bran just runs his finger along it and CIA hands him the sheath before he hurts himself and CIA starts talking about how much he must have seen and how hard it is to come home to chaos but Bran looks him right in the eyes, and us right in the eyes as he looks at the camera, and says "CHAOS IS A LADDER"
having a memory from, well, everything, relating to CIA triggered by that word and then Bran's face falls as he starts to be able to sort through more information relating to CIA's time in King's Landing and CIA fucking bricks it as he realizes he somehow knows his secrets like BRAN? :cia:
when Meera comes in and CIA says "sorry to disturb you Lord Stark" but he just says "I'm not Lord Stark" and he just runs off awkwardly and Meera asks "what's that?" pointing to his... chair that has wheels on it... and Bran says "Maester Wolkan built it for me so I can move around more easily" LMAO THE MAESTER JUST INVENTED THE FIRST WHEELCHAIR NICE ONE and Meera says "that's a very good idea!" but then Bran somehow already knows "you're leaving" and Meera says she doesn't want to but has to protect the rest of her family and he's as safe as anyone can be right now so doesn't need her protecting him and he just coldly says "no I don't" and Meera can't believe "that's all you've got to say?" and Bran tries "thank you, for helping me" in a slightly less monotone voice and she steps forward whining "my brother died for you, Hodor and Summer died for you, I almost died for you... Bran" and Bran admits "I'm not really... not anymore" and Meera starts crying as he explains "I remember what it felt like to be Brandon Stark, but I remember so much else now" and Meera accepts "you died in that cave" bringing back le theme of identity as Bran hasn't lost his own memories but has gained so much new information he is a radically different person as he has access to be able to intimately witnessed millions of people dying just like his friends did so it doesn't really have an emotional impact anymore as if he'd gone off to war for years in an instant and Meera goes to leave crying and gives him one last look but realizes her friend is long gone and leaves and Bran looks out the window probably knowing he would have been sad before all this, bye Meera I guess although I assume we'll see her family and maybe her father who maybe was crippled in that fight with Ned in the flashback so had to send her and her brother to go help Bran on his ebin quest although maybe that was just coincidence and it was all her brothers idea and she just peaces out here
then we see a figure on a horse on a hill overlooking Winterfell and we see... it's Arya, finally back home too, ah I thought it was the zombie uncle whos name I already forgot
and she just walks up to the front gate as two guards argue about if one of them fucked a kitchen maid or not and when he sees Arya he goes "ey up, where you going?" in a thick northern accent and Arya says "in there, I live there" and the fat guard scoffs "fuck off" thinking she's joking just like what happened to her back in King's Landing since she looks like such a little street urchin at all times and she insists "I'm Arya Stark, this is my home" and they just laugh at her and snort and tell her "Arya Stark's dead" and she asks to see the old Maester or Ser Rodrick but they don't even recognize those names so she tells them to go ask Jon Snow and they tell her he's a thousand miles away and one of them feels bad for this girl who's probably just trying to con her way in there to survive but tells her "look, it's cold and we're busy, so you best just fuck off" looking down sorry at her and his mate grunts and Arya asks who's in charge then and when the fat one glares at her and says "you tell us, you're the one impersonating her sister" and when she demands to see Sansa he says "for the last time: fuck. off." and goes to shove her but ARYA DARTS OUT THE WAY AND THE MAN STARES IN CONFUSION AT HIS HAND LIKE SOME ANIME SHIT
and Arya threatens she'll get in one way or another and if it turns out she's for real they'll be in trouble with Sansa so they give in and escort her in and warn her to stay sitting while they go get Sansa but they argue which one embarrasses themselves by going to tell their Lady about some scam artist as Arya sits there looking around filled with nostalgia for her home she left 7 fucking years ago and smiles when she sees the direwolf sigil meanwhile the fat guy is threatening to beat up his friend if he doesn't go tell her but then they look over and see... Arya is gone lmao, then they have to go anxiously tell Sansa what happened and when she hears the names of the old residents Arya asked for she smiles knowing it was really her sister and where she must be, then we see Arya staring at the statue of Jon in the crypt when... Sansa finally finds her sister... and Arya asks without even looking at her "do I have to call you Lady Stark now?" and Sansa says with a straight face "yes" and when she finally gets Arya to look at her she smiles and SANSA GIVES ARYA A BIG HUG
and starts chiding her like a big sister already "you shouldn't have run from the guards" but Arya boasts "I didn't run, you need better guards" and Sansa chuckles knowing it really is her obnoxious sister back and Arya tells her Lady Stark suits her and Sansa tells her Jon's heart will probably stop when he sees her and they both look over at Ned's statue and Arya says "it doesn't look like him, should have been carved by someone who knew his face" and Sansa sighs "everyone who knew his face is dead" but Arya reminds her "we're not" and they share a smile as they've both become great at surviving in their own ways and Arya asks "they say you killed Joffrey, had you?" and Sansa says "I wish I had" and Arya says "me too, I was angry when I heard someone else had done it... however long my list got he was always first" and Sansa is like "your list?" and Arya tells her "the list of people I'm going to kill" and Sansa laughs thinking she's just joking and Arya lets herself laugh too at how silly it is and trying not to scare her sister how much of a real nigga she is now and Sansa asks "how did you get back to Winterfell?" and she just says "it's a long story, I'm sure yours is too" and Sansa sighs "or a pleasant one" and Arya says "mine either... but our stories aren't over yet" and gives her sister a confident look and Sansa returns the favor "no, they're not" and Arya gives her a big hug and Sansa tells her "Arya... Bran's home too..." and Arya sighs with relief but then sees Sansa is worried about it
then we see under the holy white tree Bran is sitting by himself in his wheelchair with no Hodor to carry him and with a wolf skin pelt on his lap with no Summer to comfort him ;_; when Sansa brings Arya to him and he tries to act nice saying "you came home" like an autist but Arya gives him a hug immediately and he looks over at Sansa as if he's apologising for not being his old self and Sansa just chuckles that him caring at all means there's still some of him in there and he tells his sister "I saw you at the crossroads" and Arya cant understand "you saw me?" and Sansa explains "Bran has... visions" and Bran brings up her going to kill Cersei and Sansa realizes she aint fucking joking about her list and asks "who else is on your list" and Arya says smugly "most of them are dead already" and Sana smiles approvingly like her sister might be a killer now but she fucking likes it and Bran gets out the dagger and Arya realizes "Littlefinger is here?" thankfully for CIA not knowing how involved he was with her father's death and Bran explains why he gave it to him and Arya recognizes the material and asks why some random cutthroat would have a Valyrian steel dagger hmmmmmm maybe Bran can fuck up a White Walker with it and Bran stares at it and says "someone very wealthy must have wanted me dead" as he tries to parse through his access to everything ever to find the answer and Sansa warns them "he's not a generous man, he wouldn't give you anything unless he thought he was getting something back" hmmm maybe CIA really didn't send that assassin and he gave it to Bran so he'd tell him who did now he has physic powers and Bran autistically says "it doesn't matter, I don't want it" and gives it to Arya saying "it's wasted on a cripple" and she takes it from him and starts to tear up how much she missed her lovely little brother, then the three surviving legitimate Stark children return to Winterfell together
and Brie looks on happy and and Pod, who's looking quite mature with a ingrowing beard, and assures his Lady "Catelyn Stark would be proud... you kept your vow" and Brie admits "I did next to nothing" lmaooooo nah she saved Sansa that was one good thing and Pod tells her "you're too hard on yourself my Lady" and Brie snaps "I'm not a-!" but catches herself and tries to be nice saying "thank you Podrick" getting a smile from him, then we see CIA spying on all this as a bird squawks which could very well be controlled by Bran for all we know
then in Dragonstone Dany is walking with Missy down the steps discussing how there's no word or the Unsullied since Dany can tell Missy is worried about Grey Worm and they have a little gossip session smiling to each other as she hints they've been sexually intimate but then Jon turns up and Dany waves off her Dothraki guard and follows him to a cave Davos is waiting outside of to show them the Dragonglass before they start mining
and they go into this dark cave and Jon lights a fire as Dany stares up in wonder at this black glass like substance filling up the cave system and Jon cheers "this is it, all we'll never need!" but has one more thing to show her, and we see her squeezing her way further into the cave system with just Jon who shows her these ancient carvings on the wall and explains "the children of the forest made these" and Dany asks "when?" as she studies them in wonder seeing odd circle patterns around each other like what Sam saw in the book in the Maester's secret section that seems to be doing with planetary alignments and Jon just guesses "a long time ago" and Dany stares in amazement of how ancient their culture was, maybe even before men, as she looks up at... IS THAT A FUCKING CROP CIRCLE? WE ABOUT TO GET AAAYYYY LMAO UP IN THIS BITCH? lmao imagine how dank it would be if that was the final episode, the Night King is like oh well back to my homeplanet and steps on a flying sauser and starts firing laser beams at them lol
but Jon takes her to another carving and showing the children of the forrest and humans together and she asks if they were fighting each other and Jon takes her to another and says "no, they fought together against a common enemy" as he illuminates AN ANCIENT CARVING DEPICTING THE NIGHT KING AND HIS WHITE WALKERS ah I guess the White Walkers already existed and the elf people just knew how to create them and used them as weapons against the invading humans, or maybe they got out of hand like every story ever told about escaped super soldiers and had to put their differences with humans aside to battle their creations, I far prefer the first idea since I like the idea of the older something is the more powerful (even though in real life that's not how it works and newer civilisations annihilate older civilisations over and over again lmao) since if they were made by the elves then it makes you wonder why can't the elves just stop them, and Jon waxes poetically about how despite their differences and suspicious they worked together and they need to do the same thing as "the enemy is real, it's always been real" and DAny looks at him seriously as she realizes this shit is actually not a meme (although it'd be funny if Jon and Davos literally just carved those figures right now to trick her lmaooooooo)
and she clarifies that he can't defeat them without her and he admits he can't so she steps forward and promises "I will fight or you, I will fight for the North" and Jon looks super pumped but then she adds "when you bend the knee" and Jon looks awkward and tries to say "my people... won't accept a southern ruler, not after everything they've suffered" YEAH FUCK ENGLAND, FREE SCOTLAND NOW but she says they will if he does and he needs to put his pride aside, thought she was going to ask him to marry her or something, then the party leaves the cave to find Tyrion and Varys with the mad news about the current situation, and Dany is super pissed and marches back to her castle along the beach as Davos tries to take the opportunity to weasel their way home but Dany snaps "you will stay! all my allies are gone! they've been taken from me while I sit here on this island!" and Tyrion tries to erasure her her army is still bigger but Dany points out with no fucking food and he recommends they need to just commit to blockading KL but Dany reminds her that "your strategy has lost us Dorne, the Iron Islands and the Reach"fucking rekt you dumb twat although surely there's still people in Dorne who'd back her or I guess they'd just be too scared and the other 5 Sand Snakes are like yeah no thanks lul and Tyrion tries to talk his way out of it but Dany snaps "our enemies? your family you mean!" and accuses him of being soft and Jon looks around super awkward but then they hear the dragons screeching in the distance so Dany says fuck it dude and says she'll just ride her dragons to the Red Keep and light em all up which Tyrion says would risk her so Dany demands of Jon what she should do and he tries to slip out of it but she insists so he says her people believe in her to make the impossible possible because of her fantastical dragons including making a new world different from the shit one they've always known and Varys and Missy both look on in agreement as former abuse victims empowered by Dany but he tells her "but if you use them to melt castles and burn cities you're not different, you're just more of the same" showing he's the moral voice the bloodthirsty Dany desperately needs and she looks out as her scary dragons knowing he's right
then in Winterfell Brie and Pod are training again with her tripping him up and telling him "don't lunge" and a frustrated Pod tries again seemingly pushing Brie back but she just trips him again saying "don't go where your enemy leads you" and Arya walks up to watch as Brie effortlessly punches poor Pod in the stomach dropping him again and she goes to say "and don't" but Arya butts in "don't fight someone like her in the first place" giving the same advice she gave The Hound that you sometimes just need to fight dirty to win and Brie looks mad at first but turns to see her charge looking quite the little fashy diva herself and compliments "nice sword, and very nice dagger" and Arya takes out her new Valyrian steel blade and flips it around fancy in her hand to hand it to Brie and we see Sansa moaning to CIA about the newcomers not bringing enough food when she stops mid sentence seeing Arya talking to Brie wondering how they'll get on and Arya asks to train and Brie offers to go get the proper master of arms for her but Arya smiles and says "he didn't beat The Hound, you did, I want to train with you" reminding her it's her sworn duty and CIA smiles to Sansa proud of what a little manipulator Arya has become so Brie nods to a smiling Pod who hopes someone can finally beat Brie to move out the way and when Arya takes out Needle Brie chides "you can't use that my lady it's too small" and Arya promises "I won't cut you don't worry" and Brie smiles at how cocky this like 16 year old girl is and says back "I'll try not to" and Brie pokes her sword at her but ARYA DEFLECTS BRIES SWORD AND INSTANTLY HAS HER BLADE TO HER NECK
and Brie instantly realizes Arya is a real nigga and Arya flips her blade behind her back smiling playfully and BRIE SLICES HER SWORD AT ARYA'S HEAD AND SHE JUST WEAVES OUT THE WAY LIKE ITS NOTHING SO BRIE REALLY PUTS HER BACK INTO IT CHOPPING DOWN AT HER BUT ARYA JUST BENDS OVER OUT THE WAY LIKE SHE'S NEO IN THE MATRIX DODGING BULLETS AND INSTANTLY DEFLECTS HER SWORD OUT THE WAY, WHACKS BRIE'S HAND OFF HER SWORD AND TAPS HER THIGH SHOWING SHE COULD HAVE DISABLED HER EFFORTLESSLY
and Brie recoils in shock at how amazing Arya is and strides back out as Pod watches slack jawed at what's happening and so does CIA and Sansa and ARYA AND BRIE START DUELLING BUT ARYA JUST TWISTS AROUND LETTING HER BLADE TAP BRIE'S INNER THIGH WHICH COULD HAVE KILLED HER WITH JUST A LITTLE NICK AND BRIE DOES HER SCREAMING ANIMAL MEME AND THUMPS HER SWORD DOWN BUT ARYA'S ALREADY GONE AND DEFLECTS HER BLADE SO BRIE JUST KICKS ARYA WITH HER HUGE BOOT HALF THE SIZE OF ARYA'S TORSO SENDING HER FALLING BACK
and Podrick looks down feeling sorry for her as this happens to him every day and Brie looks scared she's hurt her but ARYA FLIPS BACK AROUND BACK ONTO HER FEET INTO A FIGHTING STANCE AND STARTS DUELLING BRIE AGAIN AND CIA SMILES OVER AT SANSA AS BRIE FINALLY MANAGES TO DISARM ARYA FLICKING NEEDLE AWAY BUT ARYA JUST SMILES AT BRIE TO KEEP GOING SO SHE SWINGS HER SWORD AT HER AS SHE WEAVES OUT THE WAY AND FLIPS HER DAGGER OUT BUT BRIE GOES TO GRAB HER WRIST SO ARYA TOSSES IT TO HER OTHER AND BRIE HOLDS HER AT HER SWORDPOINT JUST AS ARYA GETS THE DAGGER UP TO BRIE'S CHEST MAKING IT A DRAW
and they both exhale super impressed to meet another woman who's just as deadly as they are and Brie asks Arya amazed "who thought you how to do that?" and Arya instantly boasts "no one" and walks of and Brie gives her a loving smile and Arya walks up to see Sansa just walking off and CIA creepily bowing to her but she can already tell this fuckers up to something uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok what I have to say about that is this
then with Jon and Davos they're gossiping about Dany with Jon claiming she has a good heart and Davos memes "I've noticed you staring at her good heart" but on claims he aint got no time for that as they have fewer than 10K men to fight the Night King when they come upon Missy and Davos awkwardly introduces him as "King Snow, no, King Jon?" and Missy asks how come he has a different last name than Ned Stark and Jon awkwardly says "I'm a bastard... my mother and father weren't married" and Missy explains "we don't have marriage in Naarth so the concept of a bastard doesn't exist" alright this is fucking retarded, as if a woman who speaks 19 language and has translated for people all around the world doesn't understand what a bastard is, and Davos just shrugs and says "that sounds... liberating!" and Jon forces the 1% smile he's capable of and then they discuss Missy's past as a slave and Dany liberaing her and Davos takes a cheeky shot at her just serving Dany now but Missy insists she chooses to do that and can leave whenever she wants and Jon pries asking "you believe that?" taking Tyrion's advise to ask her other advisers of her character but Missy stays strong and insists everyone there believes in her and is the Queen they chose and Davos quips "forgive me if I switch sides?" lmao and then they look out to sea as they see... "is that a Greyjoy ship?" and on the beach they go to meet poor Theon arriving with his men in a rowboat... who looks Jon in the eyes for the first time in 8 years, and for the first time since he betrayed their family, hopefully brainlet Jon has realized he didn't really kill his brothers since he saw Rickon being lit up in front of him and Jon starts marching towards Theon in disbelie and Theon anxiously says "Jon... I didn't know you were here" trying to act normal and walks up saying "S-Sansa... is she alright?" and JON GRABS THEONS SHIRT and says to his face "what you did for her is the only reason I'm not killing you" and Theon just stares at the ground like an autist and Davos asks what happened with Euron and Theon tells them he has Yara and one of his men tenses up knowing he left her and he says he's back there to try to get Dany to save her but Jon tells him "the queen is gone" uh oooooooooooh
then we cut to Jaime and Bronn overlooking some desert area that must be near Dorne that is full of the Lannister army taking a break by a watering hole and Lord Tarly tells them they got all the gold to KL but warns they need to hurt up as if the head is ambushed the tail cant reinforce in time and suggests they flog stragglers but softy Jaime tells him to just warn them as they fought well and Tarly looks pissed as he believes in strict discipline and Jaime gives Bronn a concerned look like he thinks this guys a bit mental
and then they ride up to "Rickon", sorry "Dickon" and BRONN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AT DICKON'S NAME thinking he's joking but then stops when Jaime looks at him and starts asking asking him about what his first battle was like and Dickon forces himself to say "it was glorious" but Bronn chides him "come on your father's not here" so he gives Jaime a look up and down seeing if he can trust him and admits his family used to be pledged to House Tyrell and some of those men that died were his friends and Jaime assures him "they didn't deserve to die" but blames it on Olenna to take the responsibility off of him and Dickon, not so cocky after tasting his first battle, adds "I didn't expect it to smell like that" and Bronn just sighs "men shit themselves when they die! didn't they teach you that at fancy lad school? well I learned that when I was five!" juxtaposing this guy who's only had his first battle against Bronn is a good choice since it frames Bronn who's usually just a wacky comedy relief at this stage as actually quite weird as he's been through so much violence but continues to treat it all as a joke which is understandable but makes him seem even more unsavoury when you see how a normal man takes it
and they all sit there awkward but Bronn hears something in the distance and goes "listen" and Jaime turns as he hears rumbling horse hooves in the distance that almost sounds like an earthquake and he rides off ordering his men to grab their "spears and shields!" and Bronn's screams "get in line now!" and all the men brick it as intense music stats up and Lord Tarly orders his men to get in line as the thousands of men face the horizon and get ordered into a shield wall as they hear... shrieking and screaming in the distance, and Lord Tarly orders his men to fill the gaps of the wall so nothing can get through and the screaming gets closer and closer as... horses appear on the horizon... thousands of them... as THE DOTHRAKI HOARD BEARS DOWN ON THE LANNISTER ARMY AND EVERYONE FUCKING BRICKS IT AS LORD TARLY ORDERS "SPEARS OUT! HOLD THE LINE!" AS THE DOTHRAKI SCREAM THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF AS THEY GET THEIR FIRST TASTE OF GLORY ON ANOTHER CONTINENT
and Bronn demands Jaime leave for king's landing as he's "you're the commander not a damn infantaryman, those fuckers are about to swamp us!" but Jaime insists "we can hold them off" but then they hear... a screeching sound in the distance and terrifying but glorious opera music starts up as they look over to see DROGON, WHO'S NOW THE SIZE OF A FUCKING BOMBER PLANE, DIVING IN OUT OF THE CLOUDS
AND THE LANNISTER ARMY FUCKING LEG IT LIKE ABSOLUTE FUCK AND THEIR OWN HORSES PEACE THE FUCK OUT AND JAIME ORDERS "HOLD THE LINE!" TO THE MEN SURROUNDING HIM AS THE DOTHRAKI SMASH THEIR HORSES STRAIGHT INTO THE SHIELD WALL AND SOLDIERS THROW SPEARS AT THE RIDERS AND SKEWER THEM OFF THEIR HORSES BUT THEY STILL GETS TRAMPLED UNDERNEATH THEIR HOOVES
AND JAIME WATCHES AS HIS MEN'S DEFENCES GET SMASHED APART BY FLOODS OF HORSES AND DOTHRAKI SICKLES SLICING THEM APART WITH THE SCREAMERS EXPERTLY JUMPING DOWN TO THEIR FEAT TO START HACKING THEM APART UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL BUT A SPEARMAN KILLS HIM
BUT THERE'S EVEN MORE DOTHRAKI RIDING IN WHO HOP UP ON THEIR HORSES SADDLES TO FIRE BOWS AT THEM FROM A CROUCHED POSITION AND THE SHIELDMEN PROTECT THEMSELVES BUT SOME GET THROUGH AND THEIR OWN BOWMEN RETURN FIRE DROPPING DOTHRAKI OFF THEIR HORSES BUT THEIR BEASTS STILL CRASH INTO THEM
AND FURTHER UP THE LINE DANY RIDES DROGON ABOVE THE MEN TRYING TO READY A DEFENCE AGAINST THE DOTHRAKI AND LAYS DOWN FLAMES ACROSS THEM IMMOLATING THEM
AND SHE FLIES DROGON UP THEIR LINE WHO BLOWS THE FUCK OUT OF ALL THEIR SUPPLY CARTS AND MEN DIE SCREAMING AS FLAMES AND SHRAPNEL HIT THEM AS DROGON MAKES HIS OWN LINE OF HELLFIRE ALONG THEIR FRONT LINE
AND JAIME CANT FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT HES SEEING AND ORDERS "ARCHERS! ARCHERS ON ME!" AND THE MEN HOPELESSLY LOOK UP AT DROGON AS JAIME ORDERS "KNOCK!" AND THEY AIM AT THE GIANT MONSTER AS DANY TAKES HIM DOWN FOR ANOTHER PASS AND JAIME WAITS FOR THEM TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH AND ORDERS "LOOSE!" AND THE MEN UNLOAD ON DROGON
SO DANY PULLS HIM UP SHIELDING HERSELF FROM THE ARROWS WITH HIS MASSIVE BODY THEY JUST BOUNCE OFF AND UNLEASHES HIS FIRE BREATH ON ANOTHER LINE OF SUPPLY CARTS ROASTING THE MEN GUARDING IT ALIVE AND JAIME LOOKS HORRIFIED AS HIS ARMY'S FANCY ARMOR CANT PROTECT THEM AND THEY JUST COOK ALIVE IN THEM
and he tells Bronn "Qyburn's scorpion is over there!" and Bronn tells him "go get it then!" but Jaime thinks "I can't shoot with one hand" and Bronn just looks like oh god why me and rides off and JAIME TAKES OUT HIS SWORD AS THE DOTHRAKI APPROACH AND KILLS ONE AND ANOTHER WIELDS TWO SICKLES AND RIDES UNDER DROGON AS HE RACES TOWARDS JAIME BOTH CUTTING DOWN EACH OTHERS MEN
AND JAIME NODS AT HIM INSTANTLY RESPECTING HIM AND WE SEE BRONN RIDING LIKE FUCK TO THE HUGE BALISTA BUT A DOTHRAKI TWIRLS HIS SICKLE AND RIDES STRAIGHT AT HIM SO BRONN TAKES OUT HIS DAGGER FROM THE SMALL OF HIS BACK AND THROWS IT WITH THE MOMENTUM OF HIS RACING HORSE AT THE DOTHRAKI WHO DODGES AND DEFLECTS IT SO HE DRAWS HIS MAIN SWORD AS THE DOTHRAKI CHARGES STRAIGHT AT HIM BUT JUST LEANS TO THE SIDE AND SLICES THE FOOT OFF OF BRONNS HORSE
BUT THE DOTHRAKI STARTS TURNING AROUND SO HE HAS TO LEAVE IT AND LEG IT AS THE RIDER CHASES HIM DOWN AND BRONN HAS TO RUN THROUGH THE FLAMING WRECKAGE OF THE CONVOY THAT'S IN ABSOLUTE CHAOS AS A FLAMING MAN RUNS INTO HIM SCREAMING IN PAIN AND BRONN HAS TO JUST SHOVE HIM AWAY AND ALMOST GETS RUN OVER BY A DOTHRAKI RIDER AND A MAN SCREAMS "NEED HELP!" BUT BRONN JUST TURNS THE OTHER WAY AS THE GUY TRIES TO DRAG HIS FRIENDS OUT A BURNING CART
AND BRONN'S SEES A LANNISTER SOLDIER PINNED TO A BURNING CART BY HIS OWN SWORD SO PULLS IT OUT HIS CHEST TO REARM HIMSELF AND IMMEDIATELY KILLS A DOTHRAKI WITH IT AND SEES A BURNING LANNISTER SOLDIER RUN BY HIS FRIENDS TO GET SMASHED INTO BY A DOTHRAKI HORSE AND BRONN RUNS HIS SWORD THROUGH ANOTHER DOTHRAKI AS DROGON FLIES OVERHEAD SPRAYING FIRE EVERYWHERE
AND BRONN HEARS ANOTHER RIDER SCREAMING UP BEHIND HIM SO HE RUNS BY A BURNING CART ROLLING PAST TO BLOCK THE HORSE BUT THE DOTHRAKI JUST JUMPS OFF AND MARCHES AFTER HIM THROUGH THE FLAMING LANDSCAPE and he sees Bronn going into a caravan so storms up and rips the cloth apart to be confronted with... THE BUSINESS END OF THE BALISTA
AND BRONN PULLS THE RELEASE LEVER OF THE CART DROPPING IT'S WALLS DOWN TO REVEAL THEIR NEW SUPERWEAPON, UNPINS THE BALISTA SO HE CAN ROTATE IT AROUND AND STARTS CRANKING THE WHEELS TO PULL THE STRING BACK AND SLOTS ANOTHER SPIKED METAL JAVELIN IN PLACE AND ASKS "WHERE ARE YA?" AS HE AIMS IT UP INTO THE SMOKE FILLED SKY WITH ALMOST NO VISIBILITY SEARCHING FOR DANY
and Tyrion walks up to a hill overlooking the absolute fucking carnage his Queen is raining down on his family's army and a Dothraki stands beside him as he watches his own men butcher fleeing Lannister army and casually lets him know "your people can't fight"
and Tyrion looks down as he hears a horse shrieking and watches as two horses frantically try to escape the burning cart they're stuck to and Jaime looks around in bewilderment at the absolute hell he's suddenly in and at the same fleeing horses
and at all his men burning alive and some of them have managed to get to the water to dive in but their faces are already completely burnt to a crisp and then we see...
DROGON INBOUND ACROSS THE RIVER COMING IN FOR ANOTHER PASS AND JAIME BRICKS IT AS THIS MASSIVE WARBEAST OPENS ITS MOUTH AND HE SCREAMS "TAKE COVEEEEEEER!"
AS DROGON DUMPS FIRE DOWN ON THE MEN WHO USELESSLY TRY TO PROTECT THEMSELVES WITH THEIR SHIELDS BEFORE BEING INSTANTLY INCINERATED TO CINDERS AND JAIME FLINCHES AS HE SEES THEIR BURNED ASHES BLOW AWAY IN THE WIND LEFT IN DORGONS WAKE
AND BRONN FINALLY GETS AN ANGLE ON DROGON AND PUTS HIM BETWEEN HIS IRON SIGHTS AND REACHES UNDER TO PULL THE TRIGGER AND FIRES THE MASSIVE BOLT... WHICH WHIZZES PAST DANY, MISSING!
AND TYRION WATCHES IN HORROR AS HIS QUEEN BRINGS DROGON BACK AROUND FOR ANOTHER PASS AND BRONN STRUGGLES TO REDRAW THE STRING BACK ON HIS BALISTA AND POP IN A FRESH JAVELIN AND AIMS DOWN ON DROGON BEARING STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIM AND HE LOOKS DEATH IN THE EYES AND SAYS "COME ON YA FUCKER!"
AND DANY CASUALLY YELLS UP TO HER HELLSPAWN "DRACARYS" BUT BRONN PULLS THE TRIGGER AND SENDS THE HUGE BOLT... INTO DROGONS SIDE MAKING HIM YELP IN PAIN!
AND HIS RIGHT WING GIVES OUT MAKING HIM STALL AND SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL IN THE AIR AND DANY HOLDS ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS HE STARTS PLUMMETING TO THE GROUND AND TYRION LOOKS UP IN HORROR AND BRONN LOOKS UP WITH THE BIGGEST GRIN OF HIS LIFE BUT HE STILL REPOSITIONS THE BALISTA FOR ANOTHER SHOT AS DROGON KEEPS FALLING
WHO FUCKING BRICKS IT AND LEAPS OUT THE WAY JUST AS DROGON DESTROYS THE ONLY THING THERE THAT CAN HURT HIM KILLING MEN ALL AROUND IT IN HIS HUGE FIREBALL
AND THEN CRASHES DOWN ON THE GROUND UNABLE TO MAINTAIN FLIGHT AND ROARS IN FRUSTRATION AND SMASHES THE FLAMING BALISTA TO SHARDS WITH HIS TAIL THE LENGTH OF TWO FUCKING BUSSES and Dany climbs down to struggle to pull the javelin out of Drogon's side as the massive beast crawls up to the pond as if he needs a drink and Jaime watches as she uses all her might to try to pull the weapon loose from her dragon that roars in pain but he knows his mother's only trying to help so sits there bearing it
and Tyrion looks down at his brother scared he could die any second and mutters "flee you idiot" but JAIME TELLS HIS HORSE "COME ON BOY!" AND RIDES FORWARD, GRABBING A SPEER OUT OF A DEAD DOTHRAKIS BACK AND CHARGING STRAIGHT AT DANY
and we see Jaime struggling running out of air and sinking down to the bottom of the water weighed down by his armor, ok that was dank as fuck and I love how this show does better with it's budget what entire capeshit movies can't do with ten times that and I love the horror of war they always depict accurately but that last meme was fucking dumb lmao Bronn turns on his plot armor hack and just happens to save Jaime by smashing his horse into his as you do who just happens to be beside a lake to break their fall and save them from the fire that just so happens to narrowly miss them ok duuuuuuuuuuuude and of course they do the meme of an entire Dothraki army sneaking up on them somehow despite armies taking weeks to get anywhere and having scouts all around them
it's still in-character for a guy who grew up with stories of brave knights and being groomed by his father to be some glorious war commander to try some dumbass stunt like that thinking he can win with the big dick heroes glory play it's just that in the first four seasons he would be proven very wrong by being killed to fuck lol
Game of Thrones 7x05: "Eastwatch" Dany's war crimes special edition
First aired: August 13, 2017
we open on the smouldering wreckage of the battle or well slaughter in the distance and in the foreground Bronn surfaces dragging Jaime up with him (how the FUCK did he pull a man in full armor all the way over there? retarded) inb4 some dumb line where he claims he saved him because he needed more gold even though it's out of character for him to save someone's life at the risk to his own when he's not sure he can win as we see him with bailing out on Tyrion who he got on way better with, and he drags him ashore and Jaime pukes up water and they both flop onto their backs and Jaime's first words are gasping "you could have killed me" lmao and Bronn gets rustled and asks "what the fook were you doin back there?" and Jaime claims "ending the war" and Bronn is like "you saw the dragon between you and her?" and Jaime forces himself to sit up and Bronn is like "listen to me CUNT until I get what I'm owed a dragon doesn't get to kill you, you don't get to kill you, only I get to kill you!" yeah there we go very dumb sentiment since he did some extreme action movie shit that had almost no chance of working and a terrified Jaime warns "that was only one of the, she has two more, if she decides to use them... really use them..." and Bronn surmises "you're fucked!" but Jaime reminds him "don't you mean we're fucked?" but Bronn says "dragons are where our partnership ends, I'm not gonna be around when those things start spitting fire on King's Landing" yeah wouldn't want to lose your street cred losing a rap battle even though he literally just faced a dragon since the writers couldn't help themselves but have Jaime doing something crazy and then saved by a deus ex machina even though in the first four seasons he would have simply gotten wiped the fuck out and motivated Cersei even more to go after Dany or at least have him get captured or something so Dany can grill him on killing her father and she can finally share 1 fucking feeling about him but no and Jaime realizes almost more scared "I have to tell Cersei" and Bronn cringes and tells him "may as well go jump back in that river" as Jaime looks at the smouldering wreckage and swallows hard
then at the battle site Tyrion is walking through the area that looks like a fucking nuke has gone off with everything in ashes and he sees dead men burned to death behind their broken shields and Dothraki picking through the dead's surviving metal belongings and the surviving Lannister soldiers who are all covered in suit from the smoke in a good detail are being marched along to a hill that Drogon is using the entire top of as a nest and the men all bow their heads down in fear as Drogon growls and screeches victoriously at his captured prey and Dany stands on a rock and tells them "I know what Cersei has told you, that I've come to destroy your cities, burn down your homes, murder you and orphan your children... that's Cersei Lannister not me, I'm not here to murder and all I want to destroy is the wheel that has rolled over rich and poor to the benefit of no one but the Cersei Lannisters of the world, I offer you a choice: bend the knee and join me, together we will leave the world a better place than we found it, or refuse... and die" and Tyrion looks over concerned as it's time for the join or die phase, it's funny Dany's very very vague proclamations of liberating people remind me of the sort of underwritten villains you get a lot in movies and tv shows now adays who the writers do a half-handed job of making them seem like they have a well intentioned ideology but are still mental and the heroes have to beat them like Khan in Stark Trek Into Darkness or Pilgrim in Into The Badlands and some of the men kneel down immediately and the others look awkward as they know betraying Cersei is a one-way decision but DROGON ROARS AT THEM AND THEY ALL KNEEL DOWN LMAO
everyone except Tarly and Dickon and a few of the men under their command but Dany maddogs them and orders Lord Tarly to step forward and he walks up as Drogon fidgets just a little on the hill causing a huge thumping sound and he tells Dany "I already have a Queen" and Tyrion reminds him that his sister has only been his Queen since she killed his rightful Queen and destroyed House Tyrell for all time "so it appears your allegiances are somewhat flexible" and Tarly just growls "there are no easy choices in war" I'm glad he's an actual badass and not just some harsh but useless fop who bullies his fat son hypocritically that would be easy to write for a more comedic and sympathetic character like Sam and he argues at least Cersei is Westerosi and isn't a traitor to his family and for outsides like Tyrion and as Drogon breathes with a heavy growl Dany declares "you will not trade your honor for your life, I respect that" and Tyrion offers him the mercy of putting him on The Wall but Tarly refuses that as an illegitimate order so the Dothraki grab him and drag him off and Dickon, having taken a crash course in being a badman, announces "you will have to kill me too" but Tarly's doing this to try to teach his son a valuable life lesson and snaps "step back and shut your mouth!" and Dany asks "who are you?" and his father snaps "a stupid boy!" but Dickon introduces himself and Tyrion tries to reason with him to not let another great House be wiped out and Dickon looks at his father what to do who nods to him as if to go along with it but Dickon still says "I will not" and Tarly is horrified but cant help but hide a little smile too that at least one of his sons has finally got some balls and Tyrion tries to bargain to just lock him in a cell to break his spirit but Dany insists "I am not here to put men in chains, if that becomes an option many will take it, I gave them a choice, they made it" so she's... not going to have any sort of capture system and you either follow her or die lmao? so is she just going to go full Duterte and execute all minor criminals if they wont get put in cells? or does she just want to execute all her enemies for scare tactics like some ISIS shit?
and Tyrion tries to warn against beheading entire families but Dany cuts him off saying "I'm not beheading anyone" and he looks up at Drogon who snarled excitedly and Tyrion can only manage "Your Grace..." as the Dothraki lead Lord Tarly and Dickon in front of Dorong and... his father takes Dickon's hand showing at the literal end of the day he does love his family, jesus, and Dany announces her insane titledrop meme and that they're sentenced to die and Dickon looks up all jacked up on adrenalin as Dany just has to whisper the trigger word "dracarys" which I guess means fire for DROGON IMMOLATES LORD TARLY AND DICKON, REDUCING THEM TO ASH WHILE STILL INSIDE THEIR ARMOR! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 137 and the men all recoil in terror at the pile of cinders and bits of metal plate that used to be their commanders and Drogon gives a satisfied roar as the remaining men all kneel real fucking fast and Dany just walks off job done, ebin, very much freedom, wonder if Dany has thought about how the Dothraki who's entire culture revolves around raping and pillaging are going to do in her new autistic utopian world where she's the only ruler and kills anyone who disagrees including POWs who surrendered to her like she's Ramsay Bolton
then in King's Landing a filthy Jaime is marching straight past Qyburn and into Cersei's chamber, was half expecting to find Euron in her bed, and he breaks to her the news that they don't even know how many they lost yet, and Cersei tries to say they still have the Tyrell gold and Iron Bank for funding to buy mercs but Jaime's will is broken and tells her "I just saw the Dothraki fight... they'll beat any mercenary army, they'll beat any other army, killing our men wasn't war for them, it was sport, her dragon burned a thousand wagons, Qyburn's scorpion fired bolts bigger than you they couldn't stop it and she has three of them! this isn't a war we can win" and Cersei just grimaces and asks "so what do we do? sue for peace? I sit on her father's throne, the father you betrayed and murdered and in her mind she's winning, what sort of offer do you think she'd make?" and mocks the idea of Tyrion helping to apologize for killing their father and son, and Jaime says he might have killed Tywin but breaks the news that... it was Olenna who killed Joffrey, but Cersei thinks it's obvious bullshit she was only saying because she'd already drunk the poison he "so kindly provided her" and Jaime points out her logic that she'd rather have Marg marry Tommen than Joffrey as he was easier to control making Olenna the real ruler and Cersei's face falls as she knows deeply that to be true and she has to sit down and Cersei hisses "I shouldn't have listened to you she should have died screaming" and Jaime reminds her their whole family is gone just like theirs will be if they lose but Cersei says "so we fight and die or we submit and die? I know my choice! and a soldier should know his" and Jaime looks super shook as he realizes he's fukkkttttt
then we see Jon seeing Drogon coming back home and landing on the field behind him and lumbering along the ground like a plane sized bat towards him and ROAAAAAAARING in his face and Jon looks fucking terrified as Drogon puts his face right up to him and gives him a big sniiiiiiiiff and Dany can't even see over his head what he's doing to him but Jon... takes off his glove and puts his hand to his snarling mouth but the snarling stops and... Drogon lets Jon stroke his snout and lays his head down with his eye blinking slowly to show he's relaxed and Dany sighs with relief as Drogon twists his neck so she can see he's not fucking eating Jon and Jon can't fucking believe it as Drogon just makes a playful chirping noise to let his mother off and then gives flight to go join his brothers flying around and Dany asks "they're beautiful aren't they?" and Jon says "it wasn't the word I was thinking of but" and he sees Dany glare at him lmao so he's like "but yes they are, gorgeous beasts!" and she insists "they're not beasts they are, no matter how big they get, no matter how terrifying they are to everyone else, they're my children" literally ye olde facebook "dog mom", specifically bulldog owners, lmaoooooo
and Jon realizes she wasn't gone long and she says "I have fewer enemies than I did yesterday" and sees "you're not sure how you feel about that" which sums up Jons entire character and he admits "no I'm not" so she points out "how many men did your army kill taking Winterfell back from the Boltons?" and he admits "thousands" and she tells him they need strength to help people but he's not into it and she asks him wtf is this knife in the heart business is and he lies that Davos just got carried away but she doesn't buy that and then some Dothraki say "this man says he is your friend" introducing JORAH! ALIVE AND WELL! who got on the island somehow and Dany looks at him amazed and says "he is my friend" LMAO RIGHT BACK IN THE FRIENDZOOOOOOOOOOOOONE and he falls to his beta orbiting knees to say "Your Grace!" and raises again and they stare at each other and he introduces him to Jon as "an old friend" and Jon tells him he served with his father and Jorah looks down sad thinking about how his dad kinda saved him and Dany realizes "you found a cure" and Jorah asks to return to her service and Dany says "it would be my honor" and Dany steps forward to... HUG JORAH LMAO FRIEND ZOOOOONED and Jorah looks extremely happy and Jon realizes this dude beta orbiting hard
then we see some ravens in a tree... getting warged into, one after another rapidly, as Bran practices controlling an entire swarm of them as if he can do multiple wargs at once now, and he flies them up off into the mountains to The Wall where we finally see Eastwatch by the Sea I think or maybe that was another one but it had a load of scaffolding on it and they fly over a mountain to see THE ARMY OF THE DEAD, AN ENDLESS MARCH OF ZOMBIES FLOODING THE LANDSCAPE, AND THEY SEE THE NIGHT KING AND HIS NEW FOUR HORSEMEN WHITE WALKERS...
AND HE SENSES BRAN WATCHING AND SNAPS HIS HEAD UP AND THE BIRDS ALL BRICK IT AND SCATTER and Bran snaps out of the warg looking shook and the new maester is standing there shaking like he has no idea wtf is happening and Bran orders him "ravens, we need to send ravens!" having emotions for once
then at the Citadel Sam is slaving away carting books around for the maesters who are talking about how they think the White Walker business is just more doomsday shit you hear when winter comes as they have received Bran's letter warning them and the archmaester vouches for the maester up there but the others think he's just another Northerner who drinks too much up in the cold and they all chuckle at him and one points out that "a crippled boy claims to have seen dead men beyond the Wall with the magical help for a raven with three eyes" is a bit much but Sam announces "Brandon Stark!" and tells them he's legit and was really on a quest for years beyond The Wall surviving where no one else has and the other maesters aint impressed but the archmaester asks him what he's proposing and Sam points out everyone respects the maesters and will believe them if they tell everyone to send men to hold The Wall and it's up to these men to search all the information they have access to to defeat the dead and they all sit there considering it and the archmaester admits they might be able to do it but that this message might also just be a trick from Dany to lure their men North and Sam yells "archmaester please! it's real! I've seen it..." and the archmaester can tell this man is of good character to decides to write back for clarification and Sam tries again but he dismisses him and another maester says this sounds like a charlatan called Jenny of Oldstones who claimed to be a decedent from the Children of the Forest and they all chuckle remembering another fraud Lodos who thought the Drowned God would save them from Aegon and Sam leaves in a huff and a maester whispers to the archmaester if he's the boy who's brother and father were just burned alive and they all look about satisfied as if that explains Sam's erratic behaviour but the archmaester says he hasn't told him yet and gets them back to work
then with Varys nervously tapping a raven message presumably from Bran and Tyrion tries to justify Dany burning the Tarlys alive which his bald friend doesn't support and warns him he found himself making the same excuses for her father doing the exact same shit "that's what I told myself when I watched them beg for mercy: I'm not the one doing it... when the the pitch of their screams rose higher: I'm not the one doing it... when their hair caught fire and the smell of their burning flesh filled the throne room: I'm not the one doing it" and takes a huge glug of wine to deal with the memories and Tyrion insists Dany isn't her father but Varys says only with the right counsel and when Tyrion asks if he read that message Varys snaps "it's a sealed letter for the King of the North!" Tyrion takes a long drink and just asks "what does it say?" as he knows a sealed letter wont stop Varys who must know all the unsealing and resealing tricks and Varys just says "nothing good"
and we cut to Jon reading it who is super shook and says "I thought Arya was dead, I thought Bran was dead" and a confused Dany says "I'm happy for you? you don't look happy" and Jon tells them "Bran saw the Night King and his army marching towards Eastwatch, if they make it past The Wall..." and Varys says it's worked for thousands of years but Jon says he needs to go back North to do what he can and Dany says she can't go and needs to keep the pressure on Cersei and Tyrion looks suddenly terrified at his own mind and says "perhaps now, Cersei thinks the Army of the Dead is nothing but a story made up by wet nurses to frighten children, what if we prove her wrong?" and Jon chuckles "I don't think she'll come see the dead at my invitation!" and Tyrion says "SO BRING THE DEAD TO HER" and Dany is like wtf "I thought that's what were were trying to avoid?" and Varys looks at Tyrion like this absolute madlad is hatching a plot even too wacky even for him and Tyrion explains "we don't have to bring the whole army, only one solider..." and Davos asks "is that possible?" and Jon does say "the first Wyte I ever saw was brought into Castle Black from beyond The Wall" wait hol up are these zombies contagious? imagine if they brought a zombie to King's Landing and it escaped and infected the place lmao and Tyrion tells him "bring one of these things down to King's Landing and show her the truth" but Varys points out Cersei will ice them the second they turn up asking for an audience and Tyrion knows only Jaime can convince her and only he can convince him and Dany asks "and how will you get into King's Landing?" and Tyrion looks at Davos the resident smuggler who says he can do it but warns he's no fighter and Dany points out there's no point in a meeting if they can't capture a dead man and Jon looks super scared not knowing how the fuck to capture a zombie POW and Jorah says "with the Queens permission I'll go North and take one" oh shit boi the oneitis power is back Jorah's gonna beta orbit around Dany so much the momentum can take out any enemy and tells the shocked Dany he was cured to serve her and Jon says the Free Folk will help them but Davos points out they wont follow Jorah and Jon implies he'll go and they all look shocked and Davos points out he's King now but he says he's "I'm the only one here who's fought them" not even shocked or surprised since obviously Jon is the designated protagonist who goes on all the wacky action adventures and Dany tries denying him permission but Jon says "with respect Your Grace I don't need your permission, I am a King" and says he came there ready to be killed by her but did it anyway for the good of Westeros and asks her to give him the same trust as it's their best chance and she smiles seeing he's like her and will do whatever it takes for the greater good of the realm so nods her permission after Tyrion gives her an agreeing nod
then in Winterfell all the Lords are arguing that Jon can't go on any dumbass missions and should be there and all the men cheer when one says they shoulda chose Sansa to lead instead who just sits there looking stressed and that Lord of the Vale guy says his Knights came up there for her and Arya watches to see how her big sister handles this but he stays loyal to Jon saying he has their best interest at heart and looks back at her sister who approves but Sansa ain't to happy and later she tells her she warned Jon this would happen if he left and Arya says he trusted her to lead but Sansa isn't so sure of herself as she leads her into their parents old bedroom and they immediately start needling at each other like sisters as she gets Arya to admit she thinks Sansa likes being fancy to feel superior but she let them insult their brother and Sansa says she's just listening to their concerns as Glover has 500 men and Royce has 2000 they desperately need to keep loyal and Arya suggests just beheading them lmao but Sansa reminds her they all worked together to get Winterfell back and beheading them might be fun but not a good way to keep support and Arya looks proud that Sansa has such a mind for leading and realizes she's already gamed out that they need to follow her if Jon doesn't come back, like CIA told her to do, and that's what she really wants, which she takes offence too and Arya calls her out "you're thinking it right now, you don't want to be, but the thought just wont go away" yeah I can't stop thinking how worse this shows writing has gotten and stares at her creepily like she can read people so well she can read her mind and Sansa awkwardly says "I have work to do" as the smirking Arya leads I presume just testing her to see how loyal she is
and then on the shores of KL Tyrion reminisces of a far better season "last time I was here I killed my father with a crossbow" and Davos points out"last time I was here you killed my son with wildfire" and Tyrion looks back nervously as he reazlies his only hope in the world is the man who's kid he killed lmao but Davos is too good a man for revenge and points to a secret passage and marches off to Tyrion's surprise and Davos says "I've got me own business in Flea Botton" I presume seeing Gentry who he stupidly told him to hide in the amazing hiding place of... his home street lmao and Tyrion worries "what if someone takes the boat?" and Davos yells back "then we're fucked, best hurry!" lol
and in the Red Keeps crypts with the dragon skulls Bronn is taking Jaime on a wee adventure down there who's warning him they need to prepare for a siege but Bronn is insisting he keep training to fight the Dothraki but Jaime just quips he had trouble too so Bronn plays to his ego saying he doesn't want anyone seeing his sword technique and Jaime threatens to kill him by "accident" lol but Bronn taunts "oh you won't be swinging it at me" as he's actually taking him to meet... TYRION, ah so he's at least a good enough mate to do his old boss one last favor, and Tyrion says "I needed to see you... and I knew you'd never agree to meet" apprehensively not knowing if his brother has been so fucked in the head by recent events and just being with their sister in the last 3 years that he won't knife him on the spot and he tries to make smalltalk about their war both of them are commanding different sides of complimenting him on being the real one to take him by surprise when they thought they win with Casterly Rock but Jaime just maddogs him as he's been on the ground watching his own men being roasted alive like fish and when Tyrion tries to joke that Jaime's becoming unsentimental like Tywin he snaps "don't talk about father!" and says he promised to cut him in half and Tyrion tries a joke "it would take you a while with a sparring sword" and Jaime stands there fuming that his charm is working on him and of course he can't hurt his little (little) brother and just gives in and Tyrion tries to defend his actions that Tywin was going to have him executed even though he was innocent just because he hatted him for being a dwarf and Tyrion tries letting all his angst out breaking down whimpering "did he-did he think-did he think I wanted to be born this way? did he think I chose it?!" but Jaime isn't in the mood for his sob stories and snaps "what do you want?!" as he knows he's not there for a family chat and Tyrion realizes he can't reach his brother emotionally so just spells out the logic that he's a military man and knows for a fact Dany will win and swears she will accept a surrender honourably and Jaime dares him to as Cersei that himself and Tyrion cheekily tries to explain it's not even on the table "not right now anyway" and Jaime glares at him as he can tell he's trying to play some manipulation game against both the Queens and Tryion plays his hand "she has a more important request" and Jaime is like wtf m8
then in Flea Bottom we see, yeah, blacksmiths, and Davos walking through watching all the men making weapons and gear for a possible siege and he comes across... GENTRY, who doesn't look that much older, and Davos jokes "thought you might still be rowing" and jokes about all the places he checked rather than the obvious and that he's not worried to get caught as he's aged so much he looks different as "nothing fucks you harder than time" and Gentry assures him he's safe there but Davos warns "saftey is never a perminant state of affairs, bad things are coming" and Gentry realizes he's there to get him and leaves immediately grabbing a bag as he trusts him completely and hates making weapons for the people who killed his father and Davos just adds "might want to bring one of those swords" and GENTRY GRABS A MJOLNIR LOOKING BATTLE HAMMER that looks like complete plastic shit lmao nice prop and quips "I don't know much about swinging swords, but this I know" as he's worked with hammers all his life, it's probably just lazy writing to bring back an old character but maybe Davos play here is that in case both Dany and Cersei end up dead... technically Gentry is the most legitimate King there is and could fill in any power vacuum, top kek if this random loser ends up winning the Iron Throne
then on the beach Davos is warning Gentry to keep his father's name secret when uh oh some city guards approach and Davos immediately drops into character saying "I told you Clovis if we don't get out of here soon someone's gonna-" and the guards yell at them and Davos opens his cloak to show he has "no weapons, I promise"
in the exact same way this streamer I watch called Destiny did when completely drunk off his face at a bar to show a guard he didn't have his handgun with him making everyone around him extremely uncomfortable lmao
and as Davos tries to sweet talk his way out of trouble Gentry eyes his war hammer wondering if he'll have to use it already and they try to tell Davos where the docks are but he says "I try to avoid them to avoid good much such as yourselves" and the men smile at each other as they realize this dude is just some common criminal who knows how things work round here and Davos takes out his purse asking "still five gold dragons?" but they mock him "you must be older than you look: 15, a piece!" to his shock but they've caught the perfect mark as he's on a mission to save the fucking world so just hands the shekels over to the greedy corrupt guards and leaves trying to sound more offended than he is but the men ask "what's in the boat? wine?" as Davos has made the mistake of giving in to easy so they think he's a push over and they can get whatever they want out of him and Davos sighs realizing there's no easy way out of a situation once men get a smell for gold so invites them over to look and Gentry looks shook but Davos simply flips the tarp over his weapon revealing baskets of food telling the men who thought they were going to get more treasures "fermented crab!" claiming it's an aphrodisiac for the brothels that can keep a man going all night long and gives them a sample and one of the men looks disgusted but Davos tells him "I'd suggest you go to your favorite establishment or you'll put a hole in that chainmail!" and his friend laughs at his banter and they walk off chatting about if it's real or not leaving them be but then... fucking idiot Tyrion turns up in the open.... and the guards notice him... and as they walk past they look at each other realizing who that probably is, and they yell "oi dwarf!" and Davos tries to distract them with more boner talk but the guard is starting to realize "that dwarf... where'd you get that scar?" and Tyrion knows it's hopeless and half heartedly lies fishing accident and Davos tries to bribe them with more shekels but one of the guards asks "you gonna arrange to pay us more than Queen Cersei?" knowing he cant but GENTRY SMASHES HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH HIS WAR HAMMER
AND SMASHES THE OTHER IN THE FACE WITH IT, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM BOTH and Davos introduces Gentry to Tyrion who just says "he'll do" as they hop in the boat rofl that was like me when I fail dialog checks in fallout
then in the Red Keep Jaime walks in on Qyburn offering Cersei medical help for something and just does the glare for Qyburn to get that it's "leave us" meme time and he asks what that was about and Cersei just avoids it asking why he's here and Jaime admits he met with Tyrion and Cersei stares at him blankly as if she's taken on her father's habit of keeping a mental checklist of what use people are except hers is all centred around if she can kill that person yet and Jaime can tell she's adjusting her calculations to his worth and looks scared but knows not to look away from someone like this and stares her right in the eye and tells her Dany wants an armistice but Cersei aint buying it as Dany is making good progress and Jaime tries to explain "an army of dead men is marching on the Seven Kingdoms" and Cersei looks around in disbelief Jaime says "Tyrion claims he'll have proof" and she just chuckles at her evil little brothers latest scheme and asks "are you going to punish him? Bronn, he betrayed you" and gives him an evil smile like she could have his best friend killed whenever she wants and when he looks shook she whispers "do you think anything happens in this city without me knowing?" and Jaime realizes "you let it happen, why?" and Cersei realizes Dany has the numbers so they need to "fight her like father would have" aka some Red Wedding shit and looks at Jaime like she has nothing she actually cares about left and this is all just a funny game to her and she mocks "dead men, dragons and Dragon Queens... whatever stands in our way, we will defeat it, for ourselves, for our house, for this" and puts her hands on her stomach and JAIME BRICKS IT HAS HE REALIZES HE'S GOT HIS SISTER PREGNANT AGAIN LMAOOOOOO and he asks "who will you say is the father" and Cersei tears up as she can finally stop hiding and says "you" and Jaime tears up as he's more sane and realizes that would just haunt their child's safety for the rest of their life but cant help but smile that he finally gets to be a real father and reminds her "people wont like that" and she stands up and asks "do you remember what father used to say about people?" and Jaime quotes him "the lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep" edgyyyyyyy and they look with fucked up love into each others eyes and JAIME KISSES HIS SISTER and holds her close and Cersei smiles happy for just a second but immediately frowns and says "never betray me again" and Jaime realizes the mother of his child will kill him whenever she decides
then on Dragonstone Davos is warning Gentry to keep his family history from Jon as he has enough to fucking worry about and maybe Davos is hoping to use him as a final bargaining chip if Jon gets corrupted by Dany and he needs something to hold over him to not become a lunatic and they walk into the dragonglass cave that's being mined and introduces Gentry as Clovi- but Gentry cuts him off saying "name's Gendry, your Grace, I'm Robert Baratheon's son, bastard son" lmaooooooooooh sorry it's a d not a t lol woops and Davos looks at him like wtf you dickhead and explains "he was meant to keep that to himself" but Gendry says "our fathers trusted each other, why shouldn't we?" and they talk about when they last saw their fathers with Jon jokes "you're a lot leaner" heh Rob was a fatass and Gendry jokes "you're a lot shorter"LMAO MANLET BTFOOOOO!!!!I knew 4chan was obsessed with his height enough to make meme charts calculating it but lel @ it being in the show and they both stare at each other but smile as they can see they're both bastard sons of Kings with lots in common and chat about the stories they heard about their fathers and Gendry asks to come fight for him with Davos tries to stop but has to admit to Jon that he can handle himself so Jon allows it but Davos advises him "my father used to say it's better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life" and Gendry doesn't pint out how that makes no sense but tells him he owes him his protection and Davos just shrugs and says "right no one mind me, all I've ever done is live to a ripe old age!" as no one listens to him to not do insane things lol
then outside everyone who's leaving is loading up rowboats and Tyrion, who's only experiences with Jorah were mostly being his captive and then a slave with him lol, sneaks up and jokes "you might not believe it bit I missed you Mormont, nobody glowers quite like you, not even Grey Worm" yeah he has that clint eastwood thing going on and shows him the coin their slave master gave him and Jorah smiles "it was supposed to last the rest of our lives" as they both serve a Queen who can have as many resources as she can take now and Tyrion gives it as a gift to Jorah for a good luck charm to motivate him to come back for Dany's sake and then the woman herself comes to joke "we should be better at saying farewell by now" and just holds his hand and smiles at him so Jorah kisses her hand and gets in the boat as Jon arrives and jokes about how "at least if I don't return you won't have to deal with the King in the North anymore" but Dany smiles with her eyes, or smeyes as Tyra Banks says, and says "I've grown fond of him" and he wishes her good luck in the war and him and his men drag the rowboat out to sea with Jorah giving Dany one last loving look and she looks sad as this loyal man might die for her
then with Sam writing in his books Gilly is having loads of fun reading and learning about how there's 15,782 steps in the capital which Sam doesn't really care about and gives her a pity smile as he's trying to work and she asks "guess how many windows there are in the Great Sept of Balor" and Sam just says "none anymore" roflllllll and Gilly can tell he's ignoring her but keeps talking about how this Great Septon she's reading about recorded even his own bowel movements rofl and she asks what "annulment" means and he explains it and she says this guy gave one to someone called Ragger so he could remarry in Dorne and Sam can't take anymore trivia and goes on a huge angry rant about how the maesters have him wasting time transcribing dumb shit about bowel movements rather than researching how to defeat the Night King and snaps "but that's alright isn't it we can all become slavering murderous imbeciles in thrall to evil incarnate as long as we have full access to the records of High Septon Maynard's 15,782 SHITS!!!" and Gilly, having put up with way worse from the one man in her life before, just corrects him "steps... that number was steps" and smiles kindly at him and Sam realizes he's been doing this for way too long so jokingly gives Lil Sam the book to read (hope the flesh eating lice don't get your step-son mate) and he rushes off knowing what he has to do and raids the forbidden section for everything that might help and sneaks out through the dark megalibrary and looks back up at the huge hanging mirror thing to appreciate it one last time in case they kick him out for this but he puts his bag of books on a cart with Gilly and lil Sam and gets to riding back up North and Gilly makes sure he's sure to abandon being a measter but Sam says "I'm tired of reading about the achievements of better men" and rides off, maybe he should have checked to make sure the books have the answers he needs before leaving lmao, anyway wow that storyline was over quickly only 5 episodes of Sam pottering around a library with old men lmao that could have dragged on for yeaaaaaaars
then in Winterfell CIA is up to some shenanigans having some suspicious woman whisper in his ear and be handed a secret message but Arya is spying on him as she can tell there's some bullshit he's up to and when CIA senses her and looks over she's already gone since she's a magic ninja now and she's already up on the gantry spying on him talking to some Lords so she sneaks through the castle spying on CIA going into his room and the maester coming to give him something he asked him for out of the archives and CIA makes sure this letter is the only copy there and the maester assures him as he reads it intently and he tells him "Lady Stark thanks you for your service" and Arya can tell it's bullshit and nothing to do with Sansa but CIA opens the door again and peaks out before locking it behind him and leaving and Arya gets her HITMAN™ on and sneaks behind him and picks the lock to open it and starts searching his room, ooh I love these long sequences of no dialog it's so easy to megathread, and she checks his desk not finding anything not even under the bed and she thinks where someone like CIA would hide something and figures somewhere close for most of the time and lifts up the mattress to ind a hole in the bed and pulls out the secret message and unrolls it to find... something conspiring to marry Sansa to Joffrey or something? and Arya quickly rolls it up to replace it and relocks the door on her way out and walks off... BUT CIA CAUGHT HER LEAVINGinb4 getting caught was part of her plan
then on the mainland Jon and his party are arriving at Eastwatch by the Sea that has all this scaffolding to walk around on the wall rather than an elevator powered by one 10 year old and inside Tormund is already there and asking Davos "isn't it your job to talk him out of stupid fucking ideas like this?" with the actors singsong scandinavian accent letting slip and Davos admits "I've been failing at that job as of late" and a confused Tormund asks "how many Queens are there now? and you need to convince the one with the dragons or the one who fucks her brother?" LMAO TORMUND IS LIKE A CASUAL GoT VIEW WHO CANT KEEP ALL THIS SHIT STRAIGHT and Gendry chuckles at that bit of gossip and Jon admits "both" and Tormund asks "how many men did you bring? the big woman?" and looks at Jorah as if he's one of the only new faces there and Jon just sighs as he can tell he fancies her and Jorah asks for the Free Folk's help with Davos saying he'll be staying behind as he can't fight and Tormund agrees "you are" as they fought together at the Battle of the Bastards and Tormund thinks Jon's off his nut and asks "you REALLY want to go out there again?" and when Jon nods he lets him know "you're not the only one"
and we cut to the facilities cells and Tormund says his scouts caught them saying they were coming up there and we pan around to see... hmm... who will it be... uh... idk, oh it's THE HOUND, BERIC AND THOROS shit what happened to all their NPCs? wasn't there that archer guy that was Thoros' friend? rip them I guess, and Jon recognizes The Hound from the very first episode probably well aware he killed a local kid and he sits up and Tormund sneers "they want to go beyond The Wall too" like they're crazy but Beric says "we don't want to go beyond The Wall, we have to, our Lord told us to go beyond the great Wall-" but Gendry cuts him off telling Jon "don't trust him! don't trust any of them, they're the Brotherhood" and grasses them up for selling them to the Red Lady to be murdered and third one up for an awkward Reunion is Jorah who spots "Thoros? I hardly recognized you" as they served together overthrowing the Mad King and Thoros recognizes him as "Ser Jorah Mormont?" and begs for some wine lmao and Tormund realizes "you're a fucking Mormont? like the last Lord Commander?" and Jorah admits that was his father and Tormund tenses up says "he hunted us... like animals!" and Jorah just says "you returned the favor if I recall" and Tormund growls at him trying to control himself and Beric looks around at the four bizarre revelations that just happened between their groups and says "here we all are... at the edge of the world, at the same moment, heading in the same direction, for the same reason..." but Davos disagrees but Beric assures them "there's a greater purpose at work and we serve it together whether we want it or not, but the Lord of L-" and The Hound snarls "FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU SHUT YOUR HOLE?" lamooooooooooo
and just asks "we coming with you or not?" and Thoros says anything is worse than freezing in a cell and Jon says "he's right we're all on the same side" and Gendry gets mad and asks "how can we?" and Jon just sighs "we're all breathing" and takes the keys from Tormund and unlocks the door as... and at the castles rear exit the gate is being raised up as Jon, King of the North, looks back at his new squad of Tormund, leader of the Wildlings, Jorah, the Mother of Dragon's most loyal enforcer, The Hound, the most dangerous killer (fully) alive, Thoros, a fire priest with pyromancy abilities and Beric, the Chosen One who can be brought back to life by him, probably the best fighters on the continent left bar maybe two... and fucking Gendry lmao some random orphan from a shithole slum, and they all steel themselves to get ready and Thoros just takes a slug from his wine flask lmao as they pull out on their mission to capture a fucking zombie with some random NPCs... not going with them and staying behind oh shit no redshirts to get killed here oh damn oh shit
Game of Thrones 7x06: "Beyond the Wall" Left 4 Dead 2 special edition
First aired: August 20, 2017
and we open on a pan up Dany's table map to beyond The Wall where we cut to the 8 men, wait I thought it was 7 I'm confused, oh they have some NPCs with them after all, rip all them redshirts, well they're walking through the frozen tundra and Jon asks the cold Gendry if he's ok and he admits he's never even seen snow before but Tormund says "beautiful ay? I can breathe again! down South the air smells like pig shit!" as she's not used to living in stationary civilisation and Jon and him bicker about him considering Winterfell the South and Gendry asks how the fuck Tormund keeps his balls from freezing off and Tormund says "gotta keep moving, walking's good, fighting's better, fucking's best!" but Jon reminds them "there's not a living woman within a hundred miles of here" and Tormund gives Gendry an evil smirk and says "we gotta make do with what we got" and he looks around worried this dude'll rape him lmao but Tormund sees he didn't get he was clearly joking and whispers to Jon "this one is maybe not so smart" but Jon says Davos vouches for his fighting ability and Tormund says "good, that;s better than being smart, smart people don't come up here looking for the dead!" and jokes to Jon that he spent too much time with the Free Folk to not bend the knee to Dany and points out not to let people die for your pride like Mance did and Gendry starts bitching at an already sloshed Thoros for selling him to a witch, which I would have thought Davos would have had some input into but I guess he doesn't want to talk about the woman who did a lot worse to him, and Beric justifies that they needed money and Gendry bitches about them betraying someone who wanted to fight for them and says "do you know what she did to me? she tied me down on a bed, stripped me naked-" and The Hound butts in saying "sounds alright so far" roflll and Gendry finishes "and put leeches on me!" and all The Hound cares about is "was she naked too?" and Thoros explains "she wanted your blood" and Gendry snaps "yeah I know that thanks!" rofl and explains she woulda killed him if it wasn't for Davos and The Hound tells him to stop whinging as he's alive which he denies but he says "your lips are moving and you're complaining about something, that's whinging, this one's been killed six times you don't hear him bitching about it!" and struts off and a confused Gendry takes an offer of Thoros flask as he begins to regret his decision rofl, then Jon is talking to Jorah about his father's death assuring him they avenged his killers and Jorah's just sad that he died in the worst way, betrayed by the men he'd die fighting for, and Jon agrees, telling Jorah about how his own father was so honerable but died on the executioners block, and Jorah tells him Ned wanted the same done to him and admits he was right and Jon just smiles "glad he didn't catch you" and stops to give him Longclaw telling him he changed the bear handle to a wolf but it's still his family's but Jorah unsheathes it and says he doesn't deserve it for bringing shame to his house, I assume for his crimes with slavery, and tells him it's Jon and his family's now, and Jon sighs thinking about his siblings back home
and then we see in Winterfell Sansa coming up on Arya in the spot where Ned used to look down on his children and she tells a story about Bran leaving his bow down there and she could only find one arrow but loved shooting it over and over again at the target despite being a bit shit but when she finally hit the bulls eye she heard clapping and looked up to see... Ned applauding her and smiling despite her breaking the rules, and she realized if it makes her father proud of her then the rules must be wrong, but then she remembers "but now he's dead, killed by the Lannisters... with your help" and Sansa asks "what?" ooooooooh nooooooo CIA is giving them le fake letter to turn them against each other? no wait it's the real letter that Cersei made Sansa send to Winterfell telling Robb to bend the knee? shit so getting caught was CIA's plan lmao, and Arya can tell right away it's Sansa's handwriting and reads out the letter Cersei made her write telling Robb to cuck out on Ned and bend the knee and Sansa asks her to stop but she keeps going and Sansa tries to say "they forced me to do it" but Arya implies it doesn't count unless she was tortured into it and insists she was also a child and would never do that and calls her stupid for believing their lies and gets angry reminding her she saw her the day Ned died in her fancy dress and hair as she knows Sansa loved being there right up until that moment and Sansa realizes horrified "you were there?" but then starts attacking Arya's pride saying she never did shit to save him either and Arya snaps that Sansa betrayed their family for Joffrey and she steps forward and tells her "you should be on your knees thanking me: we're standing in Winterfell again because of me, you didn't win it back, Jon didn't win it back, he lost the Battle of the Bastards!" and Arya defends that she was busy training and Sansa reminds her "well when you were off "training" I suffered things you could never imagine" and Arya quips "oh I don't no about that I can survive a lot" but Sansa can tell from Arya's ever spunky attitude she never had her womanhood assaulted and tells her "you never would have survived what I survived" as Arya's whole identity revolves around being independent and protecting herself and Arya just sneers "I guess we'll never know" as if blaming her for not being able to defend herself and Sansa asks "what are you gonna do with that letter?" and Arya taunts her with the possibility of showing it to Jon teasing her that he'll understand she was just a "stupid little girl" and Sansa tries to tell her this is what Cersei wants but Arya keeps taunting it's the Northern Lords she wants it kept from since Lady Mormont would certainly not understand the "but I was just a child" excuse and there's some kino where there's hanging slaughtered pigs behind Arya as the vice tightens and she tries to calm Arya down saying "you're angry, sometimes anger makes people do unfortunate things" but Arya corrects "fear sometimes makes people do unfortunate things, I'll go with anger" calling her out for her cowardice in King's Landing ok this is obviously some sort of reverse ruse against CIA like maybe Sansa planted that note there to test Arya's loyalty now she's acting so weirdly or Arya is only acting so cuntily to Sansa to test her determination or something and trying to manipulate her away from CIA or something since there's no way they'd fight like this, I smell an ebin twist coming
then back over The Wall the 7 player characters and what looks like 7 NPCs are still marching across the frozen wasteland and Tormund comes up to The Hound and says "you're the one they call The Dog" and The Hound instantly says "FUCK OFF" hahaaaaaaa and Tormund chuckles "they told me you were mean, were you born mean or you just hate Wildlings?" and The Hound snaps "I don't give two shits about Wildlings, IT'S GINGERS I HATE!" lmaoooooooooooo and Tormund memes "gingers are beutiful, we are kissed by fire... just like you!" and points at his scar like a child and The Hound bats his arm away telling him "don't point your fucking finger at me" and storms off and Tormund grins as he's found someone new to wind up lmao and he pesters him "did you trip into the fire when you were a baby?" and The Hound explains "I didn't trip I was pushed" and Tormund realizes "and ever since you've been mean" and The Hound growls at him like an angry mutt "will you fuck off?!" and Tormund keeps pushing "I don't think you're truly mean, you have sad eyes" and The Hound stops in his tracks and asks him "you want to suck my dick is that it?" and Tormund just asks "dick?" and The Hound explains "cock!" and Tormund realizes "ah, dick... I like it" as if he suddenly understands other Notherner conversation and The Hound smiles and says "I bet you do" and walks off roflllllllll but Tormund claims "nope, it's pussy for me, I have a beauty waiting for me back at Winterfell... if I ever get back there! yellow hair! blue eyes! tallest woman you've ever seen! almost as tall as you!" and The Hound stops dead in his tracks and realizes "Brienne of Tarth!" and Tormund asks "you know her?" like he's amazed he might get to know more about his crush like he's a little boy at heart and The Hound can't fucking believe "you're with Brienne of fucking Tarth?" as he clocked how uptight she was just from one conversation and Tormund claims "well not yet but Is ee the way she looks at me!" and The Hound sneers "how does she look at you? like she wants to carve you up and eat your liver?" and Tormund clocks "you do know her!" and The Hound just grumbles "we've met" and an excited Tormund says "I want to make babies with her! think of them: great big monsters, they'd conquer the world!" and The Hound seems to be aware he's in the penultimate season and asks himself out loud "how did a mad fucker like you live this long?" and Tormund just guesses "I'm good at killing people?" top fucking kek what a pair
then the new combination of interesting characters to see talk is Beric who tells Jon "you don't look much like him" hmmmmmmm maybe there's a reason for that hmmmmm and they talk about how it was Ned who sent him on his mission after The Mountain and that Tormund told him the Red Lady brought him back just like Thoros has done for him six times and assures Jon they both serve the same Lord but Jon says he only serves the North and doesn't know anything about Allah wanting him alive and Beric admits neither does he and Jon complains "what's the point in serving a god if none of us know what he wants?" and Beric does the christcuck shit of saying it's not their place to understand they just need a reason to fight, which isn't any stranger sitting on a throne, but he fights for "life: death is the enemy, the first enemy, and the last" and Jon looks confused "but we all die?" and Beric smiles saying "the enemy always wins, but we still have to fight him, that's all I know" and warns they wont be happy up there but can at least protect the weak and Jon remembers his vows saying the same thing and Beric says that's enough for men like them and Jon actually agrees with him, maybe I'm on the wrong track but I guess this is more shit about climate change where you're worried it'll kill people who'll die anyway but you still want to keep them alive for as long as you can and give them a good life not having their slum flooded or town starving or whatever the fuck, then The Hound stops in his tracks and tells them that a huge spiralling mountain is "what I saw in the fire... a mountain like an arrowhead" and warns "we're getting close"
then we see Tyrion staring into a fire himself and Dany starts complimenting him for not being a hero but insecure Tyrion claims he is heroic on occasion and Dany tells him "I don't want you to be heroic, heroes do stupid brave things and they die, Drogo, Jorah, Daario, even this... Jon Snow! they all try to outdo each other: who can do the stupidest bravest thing" which would be a key theme of the show if it hadn't gotten really silly and tropey in the last 3 seasons and Tyrion points out all the heroes she named... all fell in love with her, and Dany claims Jon isn't, but Tyrion points out he stares at her longingly and she glares at him and says "HE'S TOO LITTLE FOR ME" AHAHAHAHAH MANLETS ON SUICIDE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH but then she remembers who she's talking to as Tyrion is almost like the harmless gay best friend to her and she catches herself saying "I didn't mean t-" but Tyrion smiles and says "as heroes go he's quite little" and she compliments him for being brave still wtf is with this show suddenly pointing out Jon's height? it's never been a thing before, is it literally just referencing memes in the fandom about the actors real stature or what? and Dany talks about finally meeting Cersei worrying about her wanting her dead but Tyrion assures her "first she'd torture you to death and then murder you" and gets serious saying they'll go with three dragons and two armies "anyone touches you King's Landing buns down to the foundation stones" and Dany looks sad as she doesn't want civvie deaths and worries about a trap but Tyrion points out Cersei worries the same thing about her and Dany asks suspiciously "are we? laying any traps?" and Tyrion says "if we're trying to build a better world deceit and mass murder isn't a good start" and Dany asks "which war was won without deceit and mass murder?" edgy and Tyrion admits she will need to be ruthless and inspire fear but that's all Cersei, Tywin and Joffrey had it made their power brittle "because everyone beneath them wants to see them dead" and Dany puts forward that it worked for Aegon but Tyrion says she wants to break the wheel he built and Dany cant believe they're walking into the lions den almost literally but Tyrion assures her Jaime will keep control of his me but she doesn't believe any Lannister but him and he says he promised Jaime to keep Dany from doing anything impulsive too and Dany, already homicidally angry from one comment lmao, asks "impulsive?" and Tyrion explains Cersei wants them both headless and has a talent for winding people up "and you have been known to lose your temper from time to time... as all great leaders do" and Dany insists "WHEN have I lost my temper?" trying not to lose her temper right now sulis and Tyrion brings up "burning the Tarlys for instance" and Dany snaps "that was not impulsive! that was necessary" and Tyrion proposes "perhaps" and Dany dares him to keep going "perhaps?" as a fire burns behind him like he's already in it visually and he points out maybe the son didn't need to die or they could have both been put in a cell but she killed them both before any discussion and Dany snaps that he's taking his family's side and Tyrion says you need to take others sides to predict their actions and beat them and he wants that very much since he believes in her and her world but realistically it wont be built in a lifetime and asks how the wheel stays broken and Dany realizes "you want to know who sits on the Iron Throne when I'm dead?" and Tyrion says she might not be able to have kids but there are other methods of choosing a successor and brings up the Night Watches democracy and whatever the fuck the Ironborn do but Dany dismisses it and Tyrion tries to assure her she could have been dropped by arrows at time during the battle and Dany gets paranoid saying "you've been thinking about my death quite a bit haven't you?" accusing him of planning against her and bringing up losing Dorne and Highgarden getting him shook that she really is losing it already and Dany insists her succession will be discussed after she wins the crown and storms off
then over The Wall there is a blizzard and all the men and even Tormund are struggling hard and they suddenly see in the distance... some sort of animal? and The Hound warns "a bear! big fucker!"OH SHIT IS IT WHITE BEAR THE RACIST POLAR BEAR? ohfug its gonna be a zombie bear or some shit, and the bear looks right at them... and Gendry asks "DO BEARS HAVE BLUE EYES?" uuuuuuuhhhhhh
ITS A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR!!! AND IT RUNS RIGHT AT THEM!!!AND THE SCOUT THEY SENT AHEAD RUNS IT LIKE FUCK BACK TO THE MEN WHO DRAW THEIR WEAPONS AND HE LOOKS BEHIND BUT THE UNDEAD BEAR POUNCES ON HIM FROM OUT OF THE SNOWSTORM BESIDE HIM AS IT'S SO FAST IT COULD OUTMANOEUVRE HIM EASILY
and the men all fucking brick it but Jon runs after his man and finds... just blood, and the remaining 12 men (thought it was 14 out there plot hoooooooole) go back to back in a circle to defend themselves with their weapons at the ready and the camera pans around The Hound... Thoros... Jorah... Tormund
THE BEAR SUDDENLY CRASHES OUT OF THE BLIZZARD EATING ANOTHER REDSHIRTS AND MAULING HIM ON THE GROUND OH FUUUUAAAA WE FUCKING :lost: NOW BOIIIIIIIIII AND JON RUNS UP TO SAVE HIM BUT THE ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR SLAPS HIM AWAY AND ITS TIME TO GET STAR WARS UP IN THIS BITCH AS THOROS TRIGGERS HIS ULTIMATE AND IGNITES HIS OWN AND BERICS SWORDS ON FIRE WITH HIS PYROMANCY AND AS THE HOUND DRAGS JON TO SAFETY THEY CHARGE IN READY TO DIE FOR ALLAH
BUT THE BEAR SLAPS ONE OF THE OTHER REDSHIRT DOWN AND GRABS HIM IN ITS MASSIVE JAWS AND THROWS HIM AWAY KILLING HIM AND BERIC SLICES HIS FIRE SWORD DOWN THROUGH ITS EXPOSED RIBCAGE SETTING ITS ROTTEN FUR ON FIRE AND LEGS IT BEFORE IT CAN RETALIATE AND IT ROARS IN ANGER AND SPOTS THE HOUND WHO STANDS THERE PARALYSED IN FEAR BY HIS PHOBIA OF FIRE AS THIS FLAMING UNDEAD POLAR BEAR LUNGES AT HIM
BUT THOROS SHOVES HIM OUT THE WAY AND THE ZOMBIE BEAR DIVES ONTOP OF HIM AND HE PUTS HIS FLAMING SWORD IN THE MONSTERS MOUTH GRIPPING THE BLADE TO STRUGGLE TO KEEP IT AWAY AND TORMUND RUNS UP SCREAMING AND SMASHES IT IN THE HEAD WITH HIS AXE BUT THE BEAR SLAPS HIM AWAY AND GOES BACK TO CHEWING ON THOROS FLAMING SWORD
AND THE HOUND SEES IT PULL IT OUT OF HIS HANDS AND THROW IT AWAY AND BITE INTO HIS JACKET PULLING HIM AROUND ON THE GROUND AS THOROS SNARLS IN TERROR AND PAIN SOUNDING LIKE FUCKING ARHOLD SWARTZENEGGER AS THE ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR CAN'T FIND ANY NON-WHITE PEOPLE THERE SO IS GOING FOR THE NEXT BEST THING TO KILL: THE DUDE WHO SEEMS LIKE SOME KINDA MUSLIM
AND THE HOUND JUST SITS THERE PARALYSED IN FEAR BUT JORAH RUNS UP AND STABS A KNIFE INTO THE BEASTS SPINE KILLING IT I uhhhh I guess that knife was valaryian steel so it can kill zombies or something?
and Gendry and Beric run in to pull Thoros away from it's flaming carcass in case it reanimates and they open up his coat to find... the bear sunk it's teeth in, and The Hound looks miserable that he bottled it when he could have saved his the closest thing to a friend he has in this fucked up world, and Jorah says "we need to get him back to Eastwatch" but Thoros knows its too late and just asks "flask" and his old friend Beric gives it to his lips and he grabs it downing the whole thing and tells Beric "go on" and I thought he was saying to mercy kill him but BERIC CAUTERISES THOROS BITE WOUNDS WITH HIS FLAMING SWORD as he hisses in agony and The Hound walks away as he cant watch someone bring burned (ok new prediction, when he finally fights The Mountain again... he'll wield a flaming torch against him, and he'll finally have to overcome his fear or some pottery like that) and Beric asks "you alright?" and Thoros snarls "I just got bit by a dead bear!" and Beric jokes "aye, you did" and Thoros just sighs "funny old life" and they drag him to his feet and Beric puts his sword in the ground to extinguish it and Jon and Tormund go over to the dead redshirt, I guess all of them got killed during that lol rip, and they look up to see... the bears footprints going into the snowstorm? but they're coming in from there so I don't think we're meant to think it got up and left they're just shook about what else is out there
and in Winterfell Sansa is asking CIA where Arya got the letter from who claims "I don't know, she seems very resourceful" as Sansa rushes to lock the doors so they can talk privately as she worries that they have 20K men to keep loyal during an awful winter and worries that they're only loyal to Jon but CIA tries to assure her they respect him so respect her and insists they respect her or maybe even prefer her but Sansa isn't impressed with the men who betrayed her brother and are itching to do it again accusing them all of being "wind vanes" and knowing they'd turn on her for marrying not one but two enemies of her house and CIA assures her Arya would always be loyal but Sansa worries she wouldn't if she thought she was going to betray Jon as she doesn't even know her own sister any more and CIA suggests getting Brie to help connect with her and she'd have to by oath help them get along uhhhhhh riiiiight they're obviously doing some ebin ruse on CIA get on with it
then back North of The Wall the 7 lads and the two remaining NPCs are marching along and Jorah asks Thoros "there's something I've always wanted to know... how drunk were you when you charged through the breach on Pyke?" and Thoros admits he doesn't even remember it and was only told the next morning lmao and struggles to get his flask packed away and Jorah does it for him and tells him the Ironborn thought he was some sort of god with his flaming sword and Jorah thought he was the bravest man he ever saw and Thoros admits "just the drunkest" and hobbles on tapping Jorah's arm but he can tell he's fucked from his own experience with facing death and Tormund stops Jon as he can hear some weird banging sounds in the distance and they sneak around a ridge and look down to see... some human figures walking past, I guess the zeds, and Jon asks "where's the rest of them?" and Tormund warns "if we wait long enough we'll find out" so Jon nods that it's time to party and we pan up with a drone shot over this frosted valley and we see a campfire in the middle of it and a White Walker that's leading his gang of zombies along sees it and is like ya wot bruv and goes to investigate it and looks around knowing humans must be nearby but can't see anything but then
THE HUMANS ALL AMBUSH THE UNDEAD FROM EITHER SIDE WITH THOROS AND BERIC CHARGING IN WITH THEIR FLAMING SWORDS AND JON STARTS DUELLING THE WHITE WALKER WITH HIS VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT CAN BLOCK HIS ICE WEAPON AND GENDRY SMASHES A ZOMBIES SKULL IN WITH HIS HAMMER AND TORMUND DUELS ANOTHER WITH HIS AXE AND JORAH SLASHES A ZOMBIE IN THE CHEST WITH HIS KNIFE BUT IT JUST GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND STARTS CHOCKING HIM AND HE DROPS HIS KNIFE STRUGGLING TO GET LOOSE AS THE WHITE WALKER WAGGLES HIS ICE BLADE AT JON WHO DUCKS AND KILLS THE FUCKER BY SLICING THROUGH HIM WITH HIS SWORD EXPLODING HIM INTO CHUNKS OF ICE AND EVERY ZOMBIE IN THE AREA SUDDENLY DEANIMATES COLLAPSING INTO PILES OF BONES
freeing Jorah from their grasp and Jon looks around like awww fuck how do we capture these things if that's how it works but the men all look up to see... one zombie is left alive... I guess because it's the only one with flesh on it so can stay walking under it's own power and isn't only being held together by magic like the skeletons or something, and it's pacing around snarling at them as the humans surround it and it starts screeching at them and staggering around as the men shove it back and fourth as shit's about to get POOR LITTLE ZOMBIE IN THE HOOD 8: A NEW WAY TO EAT HUMAN COCK
and The Hound looks around like wtf do we do so Tormund tosses his axe away and TORMUND PUNCHES THE ZOMBIE IN THE FACE and The Hound dives ontop of it and the zombie goes REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like an angry frog/autist
and and he tries to put his hand over it's mouth but it bites through his glove exposing it to the painful cold air and hopefully not giving him the zombie virus so he just piles his other hand over it's face trying to hold it's jaw shut but then Jon... hears rumbling in the distance... it sounds like thunder... but it's not... it's footsteps... and Jorah looks up to see a huge snowstorm coming in and Tormund looks up utterly fucking terrified as he knows that's the Night King coming so Jorah puts a sack over the zombies head and Jon orders Gendry to get back to Eastwatch and get a raven to Dany and Gendry insists he come but Jon snaps "you're the fastest, go, NOW!" and runs off and Tormund grabs him saying "you're faster without the hammer, give it!" and Gendry thinks about it and just lets him take it as he fucking legs it back the way they came and The Hound has the tied up zombie over his back as Tormund races after him and Jon and Jorah follow and Beric and the one remaining NPC to survive helps the weakened Thoros up the hill out of the valley (wait... why didn't they just... go with Gendry? or tell The Hound to carry the prisoner zombie away while they distract the army? are they seriously going to hide in the mountains until Dany saves them lmao?) and oh I guess there's another two NPCs with them but Jorah screams "stop!" as he realizes THE MEN HAVE RUN ONTO A FROZEN LAKE and they fucking shit their pants as they turn around to see THE ARMY OF THE DEAD BEHIND THEM!!!
SO JON JUST SCREAMS "GO!" AND THE MEN ALL LEG IT OUT ACROSS THE FROZEN LAKE TOWARDS A SMALL STONE ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE AS THE ZOMBIES FLOOD IN ALL AROUND THEM AND ONE OF THE NPCS SLIPS AND SLIDE AND GETS BACK UP BUT IT'S TOO LATE AND THE ZOMBIES DOGPILE HIM BUT THE WEIGHT BREAKS THE ICE AND HUNDREDS OF THEM FALL IN AND THE RETARDS KEEP SHUFFLING ALONG ALL POURING INTO THE WATER BUT THEY EVENTUALLY GET THE PICTURE AND... THE 8 REMAINING MEN FIND THEMSELVES STANDING ON THE ROCK SURROUNDED BY THOUSANDS OF ZOMBIES UNABLE TO CHARGE AT THEM EN MASS BECAUSE OF THE FROZEN LAKEa very clever and original situation tbqh that means the zombies have to only trickle on attacking one at a time like the Agent Smith fight in Path of Neo where they couldn't animate you fighting more than a handful at a time so all the others just stood around waiting their turn lol or risk cutting themselves off from them
however these guys dont have to fucking eat so could just stand there and wait for them to starve or break the ice and leave knowing if the humans try to leave they'll freeze to death, and Jon sighs in relief as he realizes they have to stop and we see Gendry running like fuck back the way they came as he's the youngest and fastest I guess and the idiot's already geting winded from running all out but somehow is already back at The Wall and it's now dust as the zombies just stand there staring at the men with the low light making their blue eyes glow out of the darkness and the zombie POW they have is still wriggling around not knowing wtf is going on trying to escape it's bag lol and the men are all hunched up freezing their ballbags off and looking around trying not to get psyched out at the army of fucking monsters surrounding them and Gendry runs along and faceplants in the snow having exhausted himself but the gate rumbles open and the Wildlings manning the castle come out with torches and Davos grabs his friend and asks "what happened? where are the others?!" and Gendry spurts out that they need a raven and back on the frozen lake it's morning and the men are all covered in frost huddled together still surrounded by the zombie army standing in an frozen idle animation while their POW snarls in his back and The Hound wakes up being the only one cold blooded enough to sleep in this situation lmao and he looks around confused as if he's remembering where he is and he goes up to the zombie POW and angrily kicks it it actually makes the zombie army grumble as if... they don't like him abusing one of their people? and Beric kneels down as he realizes... THOROS DIED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT... >TFW YOUR HEALER DIES LIKE A NOOB TO THE ENVIRONMENT JUST BEFORE YOUR BIG TEAM FIGHT SO YOU DON'T GET ANY REZ
and he tries to say "Thoros... Thoros?" but everyone can tell he's gone so he puts his cloak over his head and The Hound kneels down and tells Beric "they say it's one of the better ways to go" which is true you kind of just get more and more tired until you're asleep and die without any pain I've heard but that also means if you try to save someone from freezing they'll be very groggy and not have the energy to move so you have to drag them out or scream in their face to snap them out of it or something and The Hound takes his flask and tries to drink but its running low lmao at least he died how he lived: buzzed and Beric says a prayer for his fallen savoir "Lord of Light, show us the way, come to us in our darkness and lead Your servant into the light" and as The Hound tries to squeeze any wine left in the flask out Jon snatches it off of him and tells them "we have to burn his body" and pours the wine left out on his corpse like pourin the last sipa lean for the fallen homie and Tormund warns "we'll all be close behind him... unless the Lord of Light is kind enough to send us a bit of fire" and BERIC IGNITES HIS OWN SWORD ON FIRE by running it across his palm, this is a funny meme in tv shows: cutting your palm when you need blood for magic very casually, in real life you bleed like fuck if you cut your hand from all the veins going through it and it takes a while to close and then you can't use it as well for ages as you need to keep it still to heal, but sure just go put a big gash in your most important bodypart for using tools fam, and some of the zombies surrounding them actually snarl as they see the fire in the distance, ah I didn't realize he could do that on his own or maybe this is the first time he's managed it and Tormund looks like uhhhh ok then and he says the meme prayer "Lord of Light, come to us in our darkness, for the night is dark and full of terrors" as he lights the wine on Thoros' body with his sword, and Jon walks out to look at this huge army and Jorah warns him "we'll all freeze soon... and so will the water" as they can't survive if the ice gets any thicker for obvious reasons and points out "when you killed the White Walker almost all the dead that followed it fell, why?" and Jon figures "maybe he was the one who turned them?" ah like how if you kill an original vampire all the vampires they sired die too in The Vampire Diaries and Jorah figures then "we can go for the Walkers... maybe we'll stand a chance" smart thinking but Jon says "no, we need to take that thing back with us, there's a raven flying for Stormborn now, Daenerys is our only chance" yeah you could have fucking specified to Gendry to tell her to bring some dragons hopefully she gets the picture, from non-stop spamming of the imagery of this upcoming sequence all over autist internet media and advertising I know the dragons show up but I like that it's to save just 6 of them from a hopeless retarded scheme to capture a zombie rather than some big epic battle of armies against the dead which is what I assumed which seemed a bit premature to do that and then go for a round 2 next season I assume but it's cool they're leaving that for presumably the big finale of the next season and show itself so the zombies seem like complete endgame content you can't do anything but take evasive measures against before then and Beric says "no... there's another... KILL HIM, HE TURNED THEM ALL" POINTING UP AT THE NIGHT KING WATCHING THEM FROM A CLIFF aawwww shit
and Jon warns "you don't understand" but Beric says "the Lord brought you back, he brought me back, no one else, just us" and his most recent killer steps behind him and looks up at this fucking devil, or all we know the literal devil from Beric's religion as the Red Lady explained it was about light/life v dark/death, looking down at them and Beric asks "did he do it to watch us freeze to death?" and The Hound taunts "careful Beric, you lost your priest, this is your last life" but Beric insists "I've been waiting for the end for a long time... maybe the Lord brought me here to find it?" and The Hound just growls "EVERY LORD I'VE NEVER MET'S BEEN A CUNT... don't see why the Lord of Light should be any different" roflllll and scary ass thumps on a piano start playing as Jon and the Night King maddog each other from across the freezing lake and sea of zombies awww shieeeeet, so what's the plan, they literally dare him to 1v1 them irl?
then in Winterfell Sansa is given ye old tweet by the Maester and she's shocked to find "an invitation to King's Landing" and later discusses it with Brie, ordering her to go as her proxy, but Brie warns it's her they want, and Sansa assures her she won't let Cersei take a Stark prisoner again as she has work to do there and burns the letter and Brie gets shook and says "it's not safe" and Sansa assures her Jaime treated her fairly before, hmmm I guess the meme here is CIA faked that letter knowing Sansa would send one of her closest confindaunts away so he can fuck with her head (and ginger minge) some more, but Brie insists it's her that's not safe with Littlefinger, but Sansa says she has loads of guards who'd love to kill him, but Brie doesn't trust them not to be corrupted by him and offers to leave Podrick behind as he's become a competent swordsman but Sansa snaps she doesn't need anyone watching over her, she's the Lord of Winterfell and is perfectly safe there, and Brie insists she swore her oath to protect her but Sansa cuts her off saying she better get on the road as that's her order and Brie gives the stiff upper lip and says "yes m'lady" and marches out and Sansa sits back nervous wondering if she did the right thing
then in Dragonstone Tyrion is telling Dany who walks up to her three dragons that were napping together on the ground "the most important person in the world can't fly off to the most dangerous place in the world!" and insists they're just fucked up there and tries to talk Dany out of not risking herself as they're all fucked without her, all of them, everything
but Dany is already dressed in her fashy winter clothes and tells him she wont listen to him and do nothing again and climbs up on Drogon and he leaps off the cliff and takes flight and his two wingman brothers jump off and fly after him too awww shit
then back in the North The Hound is holding Gendry's war hammer and staring out at the army of the dead waiting for their order to move in and THE HOUND THROWS A ROCK INTO THE ARMY, KNOCKING A SKELETONS JAW OFF AND CALLS IT "DUMB CUNT!" HAHAHAAHAH
shitposting until the very end, nice, and the other 5 men all look at him like they can't fucking believe this retard he is risking agroing them when they just have to wait for Dany's exfil but he picks up yet another rock and tries to heave it at the army but it just... lands on the very solid ice and skitters across, showing that it's frozen shut again, and Jon bricks it... and the jawless skeleton slowly looks down at the rock... tries to rub it's two frozen branicells together... and looks back up and The Hound can see it thinking as hard as it can as he realizes "oh... fuck" wow good job you fucking idiot because THE SKELETON MARCHES FORWARD ACROSS THE REFROZEN LAKE and all the men stand up as this one jawless skeleton walks over to get revenge for being bullied...
and a few of the other zombies start walking over too, not wanting to rush all at once so they don't break it again as this metalic thumping sound plays that reminds me of the score from Terminator 2... and Jon takes out his Valaryan steel sword... Tormund gets his axe ready... The Hound has Gendry's war hammer... Beric lights his sword on fire...
Jorah gets his obsidian knives out... and the NPC just stands there with his spear like why am I even fucking still alive... and the 6 men are surrounded from all sides by dozens of zombies staggering towards them awwwww shiiiiiitTHE HOUND SAYS "AW FUCK IT"
AND SMASHES THE JAWLESS SKELETON OFF ITS FEET WITH THE HAMMER, JON STABS A ZOMBIE, JORAH CUTS ONES HEAD OFF, AND ANOTHER, AND JON CUTS ANOTHER SQUEALING ONE DOWN, THE JAWLESS ZOMBIE COMES AT HIM YET AGAIN SO THE HOUND THUMPS HIM AND ANOTHER DOWN
TORMUND AXES ANOTHER, BLOCKS AN ATTACK AND DESTROYS ANOTHER, BERIC RUNS ONE THROUGH WITH HIS FLAMING SWORD SETTING ITS CLOTHES ALIGHT AND KICKS IT AWAY, JON AND JORAH BOTH GO HAM COPPING ZOMBIES BACK AND THE HOUND SEES THE JAWLESS SKELETON GET BACK UP AND COME FOR HIM SPECIFICALLY AND HE GROWLS BACK AT IT BUT THEN THUMPS HIS HAMMER DOWN ON THE ICE CAUSING THE SKELETON TO FALL THROUGH IT INTO THE FROZEN LAKE LMAO OWNED NOOB AND THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW ALL THE MEN FIGHTING THE UNDEAD
AND THE ZOMBIE POW IS GETTING MAD AS THE HOUND TAKES OUT A HANDAXE TO GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL AND TORMUND IS GOING APESHIT CHOPPING THE DEAD DOWN LIKE TREES WITH HIS AXE AND EVEN THE NPC DUDE GETS A KILL AND ONE GRABS JON FROM BEHIND TRYING TO BITE HIM BUT JORAH KNIFES IT IN THE BACK TO DRAG IT OFF AND THEY COVER EACH OTHER KILLING ZOMBIES AROUND THEM AND THE HOUND PUNCHES ONE DOWN AND TORMUND STABS ONE IN THE BELLY AND BERIC CHOPS ANOTHER DOWN AS THE NPC RAMS ANOTHER WITH HIS SPEAR AND TORMUND HOLLARS AS HE JUDO FLIPS ONE OFF HIS BACK ONTO THE GROUND AND HACKS DOWN INTO IT AND BERIC PUTS HIS FLAMING SWORD THROUGH ANOTHER SETTING IT ABLAZE
AND SAWS THROUGH ANOTHER AND JON SEES THE FLAMING ZOMBIE RUSH AT THE PRISONER AS IF IT'S TRYING TO FREE HIM SO HE CUTS IT DOWN AND HE CHECKS TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL SECURE AND "ALIVE" AND HAS TO SLASH ANOTHER THAT COMES UP BEHIND HIM AND A SKELETON THROWS ITSELF AT HIM SO HE PUTS HIS SWORD UP EXPLODING IT INTO BONES AS IT LANDS ONTO IT AND THE NPC TRIES TO STAB THEM BACK WITH HIS SPEAR BUT THEY START DOGPILING HIM AND EATING HIM ALIVE AS BERIC SLASHES HIS FLAMING BLADE AT THE ONES COMING FOR HIM SMASHING A SKELETON APART UNABLE TO SAVE HIS COMRADE
AND JON SEES ALL HIS MEN BEING SURROUNDED SO ORDERS "FALL BAAACK! FALL BAAAACK!" AND THEY ALL BACK THE FUCK UP AROUND THEIR PRISONER AS THE ENTIRE ARMY OF ZOMBIES STARTS MAKING THEIR WAY ACROSS THE ICE AND TORMUND STRUGGLES TO GET AWAY FROM ZOMBIES GRABBING AT HIM BUT HE AXES THEM AND A SKELETON RUNS UP AND SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A MALLET OF ITS OWN AND HE STARTS GETTING DOGPILED BY THE UNDEAD TRYING TO EAT HIM TOO AND JORAH CUTS THROUGH ZOMBIES TRYING TO GET TO HIM BUT THERES TOO MANY AND THE HOUND SEES TORMUND GETTING GANGBANGED AND SCREAMING "NNNOOOOOAAAAGGHH HELP ME!"
AS HE TRIES TO THROW THE ZOMBIES OFF BUT... THE JAWLESS SKELETON AND A BUDDY BURST OUT OF THE ICE BESIDE TORMUND AND START DRAGGING HIM IN BY HIS FEET!!!
AND HE SCREAMS IN HORROR TRYING TO KEEP A ZOMBIES BLADE AWAY FROM HIS THROAT... BUT THE HOUND SMASHES A ZOMBIE OFF OF HIM AND PULLS HIM AWAY HACKING THE UNDEAD TRYING TO PULL HIM UNDER GETTING HIM BACK TO THE OTHERS AND JON DRAGS THE PRISONER BACK UP THE HILL AS JORAH, THE HOUND, TORMUND AND BERIC KEEP THE ENTIRE ZOMBIE ARMY NOW AT BAY TRYING TO GET UP ONTO THEIR ROCK AND ALL FOUR WARRIORS, WHO HAVE EACH KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE EACH IN CAMPAIGNS UP AND DOWN WESTEROS, ESSOS AND BEYOND THE WALL, POWER UP TO MAXIMUM OPERATING AND ALL START SCREAMING AND GRUNTING AS THEY GIVE IT EVERYTHING THEIR BODIES ARE CAPABLE OF HACKING THROUGH DEAD BODIES LIKE THEIR WHOLE LIVES HAVE BEEN LEADING UP TO THIS ONE MOMENT WHEN ALL THEIR MURDEROUS SKILLS CAN FINALLY MEAN SOMETHING
AND A CHEEKY CUNT RUNS UP BEHIND JON TRYING TO FREE THEIR PRISONER BUT JON FLIPS HIS SWORD AROUND AND RUNS IT THROUGH WITH IT AND ANOTHER ZOMBIE GOES FOR THE PRISONER BUT... OUT OF NOWHERE THE NPC RUNS UP AND KILLS IT WITH HIS SPEAR AND JON KICKS HIS ZOMBIE AWAY AND TRIES TO HELP THE NPC BUT A ZOMBIE DIVES ONTOP OF HIM AND JON CUTS IT AWAY BUT THE NPC TOPPLES OFF THE EDGE OF THE ROCK AND INTO THE HOARD OF ZOMBIES WHO ENGULF HIM AND TEAR HIM APART IN SECONDS AND LOOK BACK UP AT JON WTF THAT DUDE WAS HARDCORE TOO
AND JON LOOKS OUT AT THE SEA OF THE UNDEAD COMING AT THEM HOPELESS AS HIS FOUR COMRADES GO ABSOLUTELY HAM TO DEFEND THIS LIKE THREE FUCKING METER CLIFF ON THE ROCK THEY HAVE LEFT AND THEY'RE GETTING SO CLOSE TORMUND BUMPS INTO JON AND STARES AT HIM WIDE-EYED AS THEY BOTH KNOW THIS IS IT BUT TORMUND WILL FIGHT TO HIS LAST BREATH AND KEEPS CHOPPING AND THE HOUND UNLEASHES HIS LIFETIME OF PAIN AND MISERY ON ALL THE ZOMBIES HOWLING LIKE A MAD DOG AND BERIC CLEAVES HIS FLAMING HOLY SWORD IN THE NAME OF THE ONE TRUE LORD ALLAH THROUGH THE MONSTERS AND JORAH SLICES HIS DAGGERS AS FAST AS HE CAN AT THE ZOMBIES UTILIZING THE BUILT-UP POWER FROM HAVING BEEN EDGING TO HIS ONEITIS FOR 7 YEARS STRAIGHT SO HIS T LEVELS ARE AT 9000 NG/DL IN HOPES HE'LL FINALLY ESCAPE THE FRIENDZONE BUT JON KNOWS NO AMOUNT OF INCEL RAGE, ISIS BEHEADINGS, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA OR BEING A GINGER MENTALIST WILL SAVE THEM AND RAISES HIS SWORD READY TO DIE AS THE ZOMBIES HAVE PILED UP SO HIGH IN FRONT OF HIM THEY'RE CLIMBING OVER EACH OTHER UP THE CLIFF BUT SUDDENLY
and on the cliff side we see... a White Walker... put an almost... reptilian hand on an ice javelin on his undead horse and take out out it's sheath... to hand it to the Night King... and back on the rock everyone is onboard Drogon who's trying his best to let them on but still blast the army away and Jon is going ham hacking the zombies back and Jorah yells down "JOOOON!" as he racks up a crazy 5 zombie kill combo OH MY FUCKING GOD GET ON THE FUCKING DRAGON ALREADY YOU BRAINDEAD MANLET
and we see The Hound slam the prisoner down onto one of the horns on Drogon's back to secure it as the other men try to find a way to secure themselves into place up there as fucking idiot brainlet moron Jon is still hacking away at zombies as the other two zombies lay down covering fire, literally, just meters away from him... and the Night King steps up to the edge of the lake... and looks up at one of the dragons, the orangy yellow one, Viserion, and puts up a hand to put the javelin back and aim like he's in the olympics... and as the dragon is distracted raining fire down onto the ground...
AND IT SCREAMS IN AGONY AND LOSES ALTITUDE AS BLOOD SPRAYS OUT OF ITS BLOWN OPEN SIDE AS DROGON ROARS IN DISTRESS AS HE WATCHES HIS BROTHER FALLING TO ITS DEATH
AND JON TURNS TO SEE THIS DRAGON SPILLING THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF ITS BODY'S BLOOD OUT OF ITS WOUND AND SMASHING INTO THE GROUND GIVING AN AGONIZED WHIMPER AND GURGLE AS IT SKIDS ACROSS THE ICE
AND THE OTHER DRAGON TRIED TO GRAB IT BUT CANT REACH IN TIME AND CIRCLES ABOVE AS THE LIFE LEAVES HIS BROTHERS EYES AND ITS MASSIVE PLANE SIZED CORPSE SINKS INTO THE FROZEN LAKE
and Beric, The Hound and Tormund watch horrified that their only chance for saving possibily the entire world just went down by 33% and Jorah looks over grimacing at Dany... who just saw the closest thing she had to a son be murdered, and Jon turns to scowl back at the Night King as Drogon grunts and growls in mourning and Jon starts hacking his way through the zombies trying to and stares up at the Night King as Drogon starts to roar but the Night King just stares back at him as A WHITE WALKER GETS ANOTHER JAVELIN OUT and Jon bricks it and finally gets his fucking act together the absolute fucking idiot and screams back "GO! GO NOW! LEAVE!" as the fucking moron finally runs back to Drogon chopping zombies away from him but he goes "NOOOOOW!"
AS ZOMBIES TACKLE HIM THROUGH THE ICE AND INTO THE LAKE!!! AND DANY WATCHES HIM DISAPPEAR INTO THE WATER AND LOOKS BACK AT THE NIGHT KING READYING HIS NEXT JAVELIN THROW BUT CANT RISK DROGON SO ORDERS HIM TO TAKE OFF AND HE HOPS DOWN ONTO THE ICE THAT IMMEDIATELY GIVES WAY AND FLAPS HIS WINGS BLASTING THE ARMY OF ZOMBIES AWAY FROM THE BACKDRAFT TO GET ONTO LAND AND KICKS OFF OF A HILL TO GET ENOUGH ALTITUDE TO START FLING AWAY AND THE NIGHT KING READIES HIS NEXT SHOT AND THROWS HIS JAVELIN... RIGHT OVER DANY AND THE MENS HEADS MISSING DROGON, THANK FUCK, AND DROGON ROARS IN THE FIRST FEAR OF HIS LIFE WEAVING OUT THE WAY SENDING JORAH SLIPPING OFF BUT TORMUND GRABS HIM JUST IN TIME AS DROGON FLAPS AS HARD AS HE CAN TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE
and Dany looks back at the army of the undead surrounding the flaming rock and the Night King mounts up onto his zombie horse and pulls out with his White Walkers and the zombie army all follow him just abandoning the frozen lake and then JON BURSTS OUT OF THE LAKE, GRABS HIS SWORD AND USES IT TO PULL HIMSELF OUT OF THE WATER somehow not dead to fuck and back by the ice cold water...
and a zombie stops and turns and sees Jon hilariously waddling along the ice and all his mates turn back around to see this one human wandering around and he struggles to raise his sword as THE ENTIRE ZOMBIE ARMY RUNS BACK STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE HOPELESS JON... BUT THEN OUT OF NOWHERE UNCLE BENJEN RIDES UP
wow what a convenient rescue and he hops off next to Jon and reveals himself who recognizes him and he's like "Uncle Benjen? how?" and Benjen puts him on his horse and tells him "ride for the pass" and Ben begs him to "come with me" but Benjen for some reason says "there's no time" as if he can't get on the horse too, not like Jon is too big or something the manlet lmao
and he slaps his horses arse that takes Jon off and he just stands there setting his chain on fire again, maybe using the same Lord of Light magic Beric does, and starts twirling it ready to solo the entire zombie army and Jon looks back in amazement as his uncle takes as many undead out as he can before they easily overwhelm him not knowing wtf just happened but at least he has a horse taking him away, welp rip I never even understood which side of the family he's on
then at Eastwatch The Hound dumps the zombie prisoner on a rowboat and gives Tormund a nod of respect as they went from strangers to brothers for life and Beric is sure he knows "we'll meet again Clegane" and The Hound just sighs "fucking hope not!" haha and nods him with respect too and gets in the boat and Tormund and Beric both look up in amazement when they hear screeching to see Rhaegal flying about above The Wall angrily reeeeeeeing not having his identical twin brother anymore and Jorah comes to Dany who's looking back up North from the top telling her concerned "it's time to go Your Grace" and she requests all upset "a bit longer" as she watches Drogon soaring around looking agitated too and she watches the forest like she's almost hoping the dead one'll come out of it, or Jon I guess, but it aint happening so she turns around but then... there's a horn blast, and a watchmen screams "rider approaching!", and they look down to see... a horse riding out of the forest, with a slumped over body on there, and on Dany's ship with the targ sigil on the sails we see Davos getting Jon into bed and struggling to get him out of his frozen solid clothes and Dany gets a look at his stab wounds all over his chest and realizes he really is jesus, ok if Jon came back anyway and wasn't dead or like the Night King's prisoner or something what was the point of him falling into the water and waiting around like an idiot not getting on the dragon? just to kill off Uncle Benjie who was barely explained? ebin, and wait, what's the logicistics of this series of events exactly? Gendry runs all the way back to The Wall, sends a raven all the way from there to the very southern tip of the continent, and Dany rides all the way up in like 12 hours? uh right, and I know Jon has the IQ of a sponge but couldn't Beric have told Dany to just light the Night King the fuck up right then and there if he's the main kill switch to the hivemind? whatever we goofy adventure now boi, and I'm guessing the meme is going to be is Cersei doesn't give a shit and kills the prisoner zombie so they cant use it to sway anyone else to their side, shoulda really tied up Thoros' corpse and let it reanimate so they can have a second prisoner lol, well that whole thing was still fun it was like a team-up episode like some Avengers shit and the show's silly enough by this stage that I'm just like whatever hit me up with that fan service fam
then in Winterfell Sansa is conspicuously locking doors when she sees... Bran's Valaryan steel knife... and she checks under her bed to find a sachel and brings out... A FACEMASK... OF WALDER FREY? this plot device is so fucking stupid lmao, why even establish they have to be harvested off of corpses if you then go on to say actually you can make a facemask for anyone, and how does that even happen? they invented latex production? Arya can just cast a spell on a piece of special cloth or something to make it morph into anyone she likes that can also change her body and voice and clothes? absolute unbridled dogshit tbqh
and Sansa turns around to see ARYA WATCHING HER and she asks "not what you're looking for?" oh my god this is so retarded and obviously Arya playing CIA somehow by like leaning into him trying to frame her or some shit and Sansa warns "I have hundreds of men here at Winterfell all loyal to me" and Arya just stares at her and says "they're not here now" and Sansa asks "what are these?" and she answers "...my faces..." uh right and Sansa asks "where did you get them?" and she answers "in Braavos, while I was training to be a Faceless Man" so she had them custom made knowing what she'd do with them back home or... can make them on the fly? and Sansa asks "what does that mean?" as if this organization wouldn't be world famous since seemingly any random person with a gripe can hire them and Arya explains The Game of Faces where you have to try to tell someone a lie about yourself and goes a bit jigsaw and says "let's play" and Sansa mumbles "I don't want to play" but Arya asks "how do you feel about Jon being King?" and circles around the room like a shark
and Sansa is basically like TELL ME ABOUT ARYA, WHY DOES SHE WEAR THE MASK? and Arya still playing is like "you want to do the asking? are you sure? The Game of Faces didn't work out so well for the last person who asked me questions..." edgy but Sansa demands to have this contrived plot mechanic explained to her, I feel you sister and Arya talks about how they always wanted to be different people, her sister a Queen and her a Knight, but "the world doesn't just let girls decide what they're going to be" #thisiswhyineedfeminism but with the faces she can become someone else... even Sansa... and Arya picks up the Valaryan steel dagger... and comes towards Sansa wondering what it would be like to wear her pretty dresses and be the Lady of Winterfell, and Sansa tries to stay strong and maddog her little sister and Arya says "all I'd need to find out... is your pretty face" (except that's clearly not how it works and you can make copies of a living person as she just found a copy of CIAs face who was right next to her as Arya sparred unless she's meant to think that is a second Faceless Man or some shit but ok duuuuuuuuuuuude) but Arya simply flips the knife over and hands her the handle and walks away leaving her looking super shook... right it's obviously a fucking plot against CIA of course Arya is not going to turn on her sister when she gave up being a Faceless Man she trained at for 2 years (by sweeping floors and being whacked with a stick) for her family
then on Dany's boat Jon wakes up looking confused and stares around with blurry eyes and the first thing he focuses on... is Dany looking relieved and they just very awkwardly stare at each other and Jon says "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" for her dragon-sized loss but Dany just shakes her head and takes his hand and Jon whispers "I wish I could take it back, I wish we'd never gone" but Dany says "I don't, if we hadn't gone I wouldn't have seen" and she explains "the dragons are my children, they're the only children I'll ever have, do you understand?" and Jon shakes his head at this insane facebook dog mom and Dany delcares "we are going to destroy the Night King and his army and we'll do it together, you have my word" as Dany is now the #1 ye olde grievance collector who would shoot up her workplace one day and is primarily motivated by revenge and Jon says "thank you Dany" and she chuckles "Dany?" as this is the first time they actually use that nickname in the show which is I guess where fans get it from although I've seen it long before this ep was released so I think it's the show referencing the fandom which is always a bad thing and she talks about how she cant even remember the last time someone called her that but it's probably her brother so he says "ok, not "Dany"... how about "my Queen"?... I'd uh... bend the knee but uh..." lol and Dany asks what about his people and Jon thinks they'll support her too and she tears up with happiness and takes his hand again and strokes it with her thumb and she says vulnerably "I hope I deserve it" and Jon mumbles "you do" and he holds her hand tightly as he looks longingly into her eyes with his big dumb puppydog eyes and she awkwardly says "you should get some rest" and he immediately closes his eyes and groans in pain lmao but as she walks away he looks around the room and rolls his eyes and sighs as if maybe he's playing her since he needs her support so will pretend to fancy her so she thinks he'll be loyal like he's picked up beta orbiter supreme Jorah is
and then beyond The Wall in that frozen lake there are huge lines of zombies all tugging on huge boat chains... to pull something out of a hole in the ice... and out from the frozen lake...
they drag Viserion's corpse out of the ice... oh... oh no no nonononono... and the White Walker overseers watch as it takes the entire zombie army to drag his dead body onto the surface... and the Night King walks up to the giant dead dragon.... and puts his hand on his frozen snout... and...
you know I hope the Night King gets some depth, like he's actually the very first Stark or something or literally future Bran who became so wise he realized humanity is the sources of all problems and needs to be exterminated so Warged back in time to control this body to spend tens of thousands of years trying it but he'll probably just stay some mysterious pure destructive force of nature/racist metaphor for Scottish people who need to be kept back by Hadrians wall
Game of Thrones 7x07: "The Dragon and the Wolf" MY GRANFATHER'S DECK HAS NO PATHETIC CARDS, JON special edition
First aired: August 27, 2017
in this fucking hour and 20 minutes long episode we open on an Unsullied helmet and pan up to Grey Worm in front of his entire army of 8K men all standing in formation outside of what looks like the city walls of King's Landing and Bronn is inspecting the walls making sure the Lannister army are all ready as they prepare burning oil for a siege and Bronn asks a commander how many barrels they have and he says 500 and he looks out at the formation and tells him "get 500 more" and walks away nervously to Jaime and admits "I still enjoy it when they call me "my lord"" and looks out at the sea of enemies and ponders aloud "an army of men with no cock? you wouldn't find me fighting in an army if I had no cock... what's left to fight for?" and Jaime proposes "gold?" but Bronn points out "I've spent my life around soldiers, what do you think they spent that gold on?" and Jaime suggests "family?" but Bronn reminds him "not without a cock you don't" and Jaime admits "maybe it really is all cocks in the end" really gets ya noggin joggin, I mean he's right everything humans do is because it helped them reproduce in the past and anything seemingly obviously deviating from that is just those systems going a bit wonky in a complex environment, and Bronn points out these are who his brother sided with and Jaime says he always sided with the downtrodden, but then they hear a horn blow in the distance and the thunder of thousands of horses as THE DOTHRAKI HOARD FLOODS OUT OF THE WOODS AND CHARGING AROUND THE UNSULLIED FORMATIONS TO FILL UP THE FIELD IN FRONT OF THEM and Bronn gulps "I think we're about to be the downtrodden" and the Lannister army's archers all take aim just in case
and then we cut to Euron's Iron Fleet on stand-by behind the Red Keep ready to join any battle that kicks off and we pan over to see Dany's shitty little fleet of 5 sailboats that Tyrion, Varys and Theon are on sailing to KL and he walks up to Missy and Jorah looking out at the continent and Davos and Jon who asks how many people live there and Tyrion says "a million give or take" and Jon wonders "that's more than the entire North crammed into that, why would anyone want to live that way?" and Tyrion just explains there's more work... and better brothels, and in the cargo hold of the ship The Hound is sneaking about, I guess Beric stayed with Tormund to try to defend Eastwatch? and he goes up to a coffin looking thing and knocks on it and THE ZOMBIE INSIDE GOES APESHIT FLAILING ABOUT AND SCREECHING as he was just making sure it was still "alive" I guess
then in the Red Keep Cersei is asking Qyburn why Dany isn't with the others heading down to the Dragonpit where I don't know if we've seen before (the answer is so she can arrive dramatically riding Drogon) and Cersei just asks "including our brother?" which he confirms and she just walks up to The Mountain and orders him "if anything goes wrong, kill the silver haired bitch first, then our brother, then the bastard who calls himself King, the rest of them you can kill in any order you see fit... come Ser Gregor it's time for us to meet our guests" and Jaime cringes as his sister orders their brothers death and The Mountain thumps his massive hand down on his person-sized sword and thuds after her, (also is it just me or does this helmet look like a dickhead lmao)
then Dany's crew they're walking up a road Missy asks why this place was built and Jaime explains Dragons have no understanding of what isn't theirs and just take it all so they can't be left to roam around a city and Tyrion tells them by the end they were only the size of dogs from captivity but it was once the most dangerous place in the world when Balerion the Dread was there
and when Davos sees a patrol with Bronn and... Brie and Pod there he quips "maybe it still is" and Jon spots his family's bodyguard and Bronn explains "welcome m'lords, your friends arrived before you did" and The Hound spots the woman who came within an inch of taking his life and she maddogs him back and Bronn says they're there to escort them for the meeting and Tyrion just nods to his Dothraki guards to go with them and everyone apprehensively walks along and Pod nods hello to Varys and Tyrion tells him "a pleasant surprise in an unpleasant situation" and Pod smiles "I never thought I'd see you again my Lord" and Tyrion jokes "supporting the enemy no less" and Pod says "hard to blame you" but Tyrion knows "Cersei will enemy" how is Tyrion the enemy Pod is on their side and just there to deliver a message but I guess from their old point of view of working for the Lannister's they're both enemies now and Pod smiles and says "I'mm glad your alive" and Bronn quips to Tyrion "come on, you can suck his magic cock later!" and smiles at Pod who he saw more recently and they both roll their eyes at each other at their old friends classic bants
and with this whole crazy eclectic group of the mainest main characters to ever main a random NPC Lannister soldier asks his old comrade The Hound "what's in there?" as they are transporting a coffin on muleback and The Hound of course just growls "fuck off" at him lmaoooo and the soldier just decides he better not push it and then Brie starts walking beside him and says "thought you were dead..." and The Hound just grumbles "not yet... you came pretty close" and Brie still takes this shit seriously and tries to explain any bad blood with "I was only trying to protect her" and The Hound encounters even more ironic torment as he explains "you and me both" and Brie lets him know "she's alive, Arya" and he asks "where?" and she says "Winterfell" but The Hound asks "who's protecting her if you're here?" and Brie lets him know "the only one that needs protecting is the one that gets in her way" and The Hound gets a little smile that Arya kept taking levels in badass without him and is now a real nigga too and he just promises Brie "it wont be me" and lets her see him smiling and she smiles back seeing he holds no bad blood for Arya presumably abandoning him or her for reking his shit as he's taken a level in niceness from living a peaceful life for at least 2 years, aww that's sweet
and Tyrion quips to Bronn and Pod "here we are, the heroes of Blackwater Bay... strange place for a reunion" and they joke about how he's not a Lord anymore, that's Bronn, and Bronn tells him Dany can make him a Lord again, and Tyrion tempts him by reminding him whatever he's being paid he'll pay double if he wants to switch sides, and Varys slithers up asking "and that would be double what exactly?" probably knowing full well somehow that Bronn hasn't been paid shit so far lmao but Bronn can tell this guy tries to get in your head and claims "don't you worry about me I'm doing all right, looking after me self" but Tyrion points out he put himself at risk helping him arrange this meeting but Bronn warns he's the only one at risk and he'll be rewarded for bringing "two traitors heads coming right through her door, she can lop them off whenever she gets tired of the clever words that pour out their pieholes, all thanks to Ser Bronn of the fucking Blackwater" and Tyrion gives Varys a scared look who doesn't look to fussed as he always has a backup plan so Tyrion just tells him "it's good to see you again" and Bronn can't help but give up the tough guy act and admits "yeah you too" as this whole fucked up caravan reaches their destination and The Hound announces "anyone touches it, I kill you first" and the Lannister soldier looks back worried about the coffin, one of these fucking brainlets gonna open it isn't he lmao
then they all walk into... an ancient coliseum in ruins... and it's so foreboding even the Dothraki leader gives Podrick a nervous glance as he knows heavy shit goes down in places like this, and Bronn motions for Dany's crew to all take their seats and Tyrion looks around nervously and the Dothraki leader and Missy stay together as if he knows to protect them and Bronn pads Pod on the should and says "lets me and you go get a drink while the fancy folk talk ay?" and Pod looks at Brie concerned as he's become quite the real nigga and can tell he might know shit's about to get bad and is trying to spare Pod from getting Total Party Wiped with everyone else but Brie nods that it's fine for him to go and Pod leaves concerned if it's because she thinks it's safe or wants him gone to safety too and Bronn gives a concerned look back implying it might be the former as the two assistants walk away and Jorah picked up on that subtext too and looks around concerned and so does Tyrion as The Hound walks up to him and growls "I left this shit city because I didn't want to die in it... am I going to die in this shit city?" and Tyrion admits "you might" and The Hound grumbles "and this is your idea, seems every bad idea has some Lannister CUNT behind it" but Tyrion reminds him "and some Clegane cunt to help them see it through"
and then they both see... Cersei, Jaime, The Mountain, Qyburn and Euron roll up surrounded by Kingsguard and Lannister soldiers and dramatic violin music plays as Tyrion eyes his sister shiftily and goes to take his seat with The Hound and everyone else and Jaime gives Brie a serious look like this is the real nigga shit that could kick off at any second and she looks shook and Cersei maddogs Tyrion who maybe didn't merc Joffrey but still betrayed their father and Euron gives Theon a cheeky smirk as he still has his sister captive doing GRRM's wank fantasies only knows what to her who struggles to maintain eye contact with him and everyone sits down and The Hound recognizes the absolute size of the unit beside Cersei and THE HOUND WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO THE MOUNTAIN who steps in front of Cersei as if he's just a robot following his programming to protect her and The Hound says more clearly than usual "remember me?" and sees... his brother is maddogging him under the helmet... and realizes "yeah you do... you're even fucking uglier than I am now" and The Mountain just stares back and The Hound asks "what did they do to you?" as if he... almost feels sorry for his big brother being kept in this inhuman state but he shakes his head forcing himself to decide "doesn't matter... that's not how it ends for you brother, you know who's coming for you... you've always known" and walks off as The Mountain just stands there... swaying a little... like even 1% of Gregor is still in there trying to attack, I remember reading a cool fan theory that le based Clegan bowl will go down at a trial for Cersei's crimes where based on one of the spin-off books GRRM wrote called Dunk & Egg there is a thing where instead of trial by combat being just 1v1 it's actually 7v7 where each fighter represents one of the 7 Gods, and it'd be the 7 Kingsguard including The Mountain versus the good guys best fighters who have beef against Cersei like Jaime, he could recruit Brie and Bronn, Jorah would be sent by Dany, Arya would be sent by Jon and of course The Hound would want a go at his brother and maybe the seventh could just be Gendry tags along too lmao and it'd be pretty hype of The Mountain literally kills all of them in the final episode except The Hound who I'm sure will do some epic shit involving overcoming his fear of fire to set him on fire or something since that's the only way to kill the undead since he can seemingly take spikes being rammed into his chest like it's nothing now
but he steps back into position besides Cersei, and Cersei sits there like she can't fucking believe the absolute drama bullshit that goes on with these people as she watches The Hound step down the steps to exit the arena and she asks "where is he?" and Tyrion glances at Dany's empty seat and cant even look at his sister as he says "she'll be here soon" and Cersei asks "didn't travel with you?" and Tyrion struggles to look up and say "no" and Cersei looks away trying to contain her butthurt and Brie gives Jaime a concerned look who looks down guilty and Cersei can see her brothers second thoughts but then... there's a screech in the distance... and Jaime bolts upright as his fucking PTSD gets triggered but Cersei just looks up scowling and the whole group stands up and Euron looks up bewildered as DROGON AND RHAEGAL FLY IN AND DROGON LANDS ON THE RIM OF THE STADIUM AND ROARS DOWN AT THE PARTY and Tyrion looks over at his sister and sees her just scowling as DROGON ROARS AGAIN as he clambers down the ancient seating sending bricks tumbling down to let Dany off his wing into the arena and Euron goes eyes wide as if this is the coolest shit he's ever seen in his life as Drogon gives them all a warning glance and takes off into the sky and flies around with his smaller brother
and Cersei mad dogs Dany with disgust as she goes to take her seat and just sits there like it's taking every fibre of her being not to have this silver haired thot gangraped and she snarls "we've been here for some time" and Dany, who at least has good intentions, controls herself perfectly, and sits there politely saying "my apologies" and Cersei grips her hands together as she stares at her and after a glance from Jon Tyrion gets up to give the big epic speech but then EURON CALLS OUT "THEON! I have your sister, if you don't submit to me here, now... I'll kill her" and Theon looks super shook and Tyrion looks around confused like what the fuck is going on in this madhouse and looks to Jaime to know what to do and Jaime just nods to him to indicate they can't do anything to Euron and he tries to tell the group "I think we ought to begin with larger concerns" and Euron just quips "then why are you talking? you're the smallest concern here!" and stands up and walks towards him and Tyrion just says to Theon to let him know he has his back "do you remember when we discussed dwarf jokes?" and Theon steels himself and jokes "his wasn't even good" and Tyrion agrees "he explained it at the end, never explain, it always ruins it" and Euron doesn't give a fuck and stares him right in the eyes and tells him "we don't even let your kind live in the Iron Islands you know... we kill you at birth, an act of mercy for the parents" and cranes his head down to maddog him and Jaime calls out "perhaps you ought to sit down!" and Euron doesn't break eye contact from Tyrion and asks "why?" and Cersei can't handle any more of these fucking dipshit idiots antics and orders "sit down or leave" and The Mountain thumps forward to carry out his Queens orders and Euron looks back and Dany looks around nervous and Euron walks back looking like it's no big deal as Theon watches
and Tyrion tries again "we are a group of people who do not like one another... as this decent demonstration as shown" and admits they've all made each other suffer and taken each others loved ones, but if they wanted more then why this gathering, they can wage war without ever meeting face-to-face, and Cersei mocks " so we should settle our differences and live in harmony for the rest of our days?" and Tyrion admits "we all know that will never happen" and she asks "then why are we here?" and Jon stands up to tell her "this isn't about living in harmony... IT'S JUST ABOUT LIVING, the same thing is coming for all of us, a general you can't negotiate with, an army that doesn't leave corpses behind on the battlefield, Lord Tyrion tells me there's a million souls living in this city, they're about to become a million more soldiers in the army of the dead" and Cersei just quips as she fucking despises her citizens "I imagine for most of them it would be an improvement" and Jon walks up to her and tells her "this is serious, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't" but Cersei tells him "I don't think it's serious at all I think it's another bad joke" and smiles as she turns to Dany and asks if she really wants a truce and Dany says "yes, that's all" and glares at her and Cersei gets an evil smirk thinking of all the ways to fuck her over and snarls "that's all? stand down my armies while you go on your monster hunt? or while you solidify and expand your position?" and Dany gives her word the capital will be safe... until the threat is dealt with and Cersei whispers "the word of a would-be usurper" and Tyrion admits conversation cant erase the last 50 years so they have something to show them... and The Hound marches up the steps back into the stadium carrying the big box on his back, and everyone looks around like wtf... as he starts unchaining it and pulling a bolt loose... and Cersei looks at Jaime like wtf are these retards doing, as The Hound slides the heavy wooden box open and stands back scared of what's inside... but nothing... and everyone gets super tense... and The Hound puts his hand on his sword in case... and Tyrion looks worried nothing will happen... so THE HOUND KICKS THE BOX OVER AND THE ZOMBIE RUNS OUT SCREECHING AS IT RUSHES STRAIGHT TOWARDS CERSEI AND LUNGES AT HER BEFORE ANYONE CAN STOP IT...
and Jaime stands up to defend his sister and the zombie sees The Hound is the one controlling it and he bricks it and takes his sword out as the monster rushes him and THE HOUND CUTS ITS ENTIRE LOWER HALF OFF... BUT ITS TORSO KEEPS CRAWLING TOWARDS HIM, SPILLING ITS ROTTEN INTESTINES OUT AS ITS LEGS TWITCH BESIDE IT
and everyone watches as it screeches and struggles to get at The Hound and Qyburn stands up as he's never seen anything so scientifically fascinating before and Tyrion sees how scared Cersei is as The Hound hacks off it's hand and Jon sees Cersei swallow hard as it keeps crawling around and Qyburn picks up it's severed hand and studies it in wonder and Jon takes it from him as Davos provides a torch he lights and so he can demonstrate "we can destroy them by burning them" and holds the flame to the animated hand and Qyburn observes fascinated as the zombie on the ground writhes around and screams in suffering as if it's still aware of the removed limb and Cersei looks extremely uncomfortable as Jon takes out a knife and says "and we can destroy them with dragonglass... if we don't win this fight, then that is the fate of every person in the world!" and Cersei looks horrified as this this one-limbed corpse still tries to crawl around as JON RAMS HIS DRAGONGLASS DAGGER INTO ITS NECK, REKILLING IT and walks up to Cersei telling her "there is only one war that matters: the Great War™, and it is here" and Dany tells Cersei seriously "I didn't believe until I saw them... I saw them all" and nods trying to get her respect and Jaime, still a military man at heart, asks "how many?" and Dany says "a hundred thousand at least" as they took most of the Wildlings at Hardhome and Euron walks up to whats left of the zombie... and touches it making sure it's not some sort of trick... and asks "can they swim?" and Jon says "no" (surely they can just walk along the sea bed or something, or would the current just drag them around? surely they can work boats if they can do large operations like pulling a dead dragon up with chains?) and he goes "good... I'm taking the Iron Fleet back to the Iron Islands" rofllllllll and Cersei is like ya wot m8 and Euron says "I've been around the world... I've seen everything, things you couldn't imagine, and this... this is the only thing I've ever seen that terrifies me"
and walks up to Dany, who he was planning to seduce last her, to advise "I'm going back to my island, you should go back to yours, when winter's over, we'll be the only ones left alive" and simply walks the fuck away as he doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself rofl, and Cersei says "he's right to be afraid... and a coward to run! if those things come for us there will be no Kingdoms to rule, everything we've suffered will have been for nothing, everything we lost will have been for nothing... the crown accepts your truce, until the dead are defeated they are the true enemy" and stares at Dany dead serious and Tyrion looks around like he cant believe it and Jon and Davos sigh and Cersei adds "in return the King in the North will extend this truce... he will remain in the North where he belongs, he will not take up arms against the Lannisters, he will not choose sides" and Dany asks "just the King in the North? not me?" and Cersei chuckles "I would never ask it of you, you would never agree to it and i you did I would trust you even less than I do now... I ask it only of Ned Stark's son... I know Ned Stark's son will be true to his word" and Jon looks surprised she didn't say something horrible like she knows Ned Stark's son is a punk bitch lmao and he nervously looks at Davos and Dany... and turns down her offer, saying "I can't serve two Queens" and Cersei looks extremely bitchily at Dany who sighs in relief and everyone tenses up real hard and Cersei sneers "then there is nothing left to discuss, the dead will come North first, enjoy dealing with them, we will deal with whatever is left with you" and storms off with her entire party in tow and Brie tries to talk to Jaime who grumbles "it was good to see you, I imagine the next time will be across a battlefield" and Brie insists "we both saw what just happened, we both just saw that... thing" and Jaime says "yes and I'm not looking forward to seeing any more of them and you're loyal to Sansa and her dolt brother" ahhaahh Jon btfo and seeing that zombie made Brie reach her breaking point and she snaps "oh fuck loyalty!" and grabs him and shes like "fuck loyalty?" not believing the most dutiful person he knows would say that but she insists "this goes beyond houses and honor and oaths, talk to the Queen" and he looks at Cersei who's already maddogging him for talking to the enemy and he just asks "and tell her what?" and storms off
and Davos tells Jon "I wish you hadn't done that", what, kill the one thing you risked your lives for and friends died for to bring back kicking to prove to people it was real? didn't think to not kill it and just lock it back up so you can show the maesters or hell foreign Kings to come help? fucking idiot Jon and Dany tells him "I'm grateful for your loyalty... but my dragon died so we could be here... if it's all for nothing then he died for nothing!" and Tyrion stares on after his siblings and says he's glad he bent the knee but "but have you ever considered learning how to lie every now and then? just a bit?!" and Jon snaps "I wont swear an oath I cant uphold, talk about my father all you want, tell me that's the attitude that got him killed! but when enough people make false promises words stop meaning anything!" woah calm down Jordon Peterson! but Tyrion points out "the more immediate problem is that WE'RE FUCKED" and Davos asks wtf to do and Tyrion's last gambit left is to talk to Cersei in private but Dany says she'll merc him and Jon says he should go but Tyrion says she'll definitely merc him so Dany stares at him and gives in and he walks of sadly knowing he probably wont come back and all his friends look after him giving one last look back also sad
then tiny Tyrion walks along the hall nervous as the massive Mountain, literally twice the size of him, thumps behind him escorting him to his brother who tells him Cersei kicked him out for trusting him and his lil bro says "I'm about to step into a room with the most murderous woman in the world who's already tried to kill me twice... that I know of, who's an idiot?" oh yeah Cersei probably has the highest kill count of anyone alive after the Sept bombing lulll and Jaime just says "I supposed we should say goodbye, one idiot to another" and they awkwardly smile at each other as Tyrion walks off to his fate... a chat with his sister... and he enters her dark chambers that the Mountain closes behind him and keeps following him until he gets to their fathers old office desk his sister is behind and the cuntyness starts up "I shouldn't be surprised, she's your kind of woman: a foreign WHORE who doesn't know her place" rofllllll and Tyrion counters "a foreign whore you can't abduct, beat or intimidate... that must be hard for you" and she accuses him of only getting Jon on her side to destroy their family while he insists his innocence as she glares daggers at him and he tells her he's the one that's trying to sue for peace and limit casualties and never wanted to destroy their family and she just stares at him with her eyes welling up in rage as she says "you killed our father" and he admits he hates himself for it despite that his father was going to have him executed and Cersei teases "oh poor little man, your papa was mean to you, do you have any idea what you did when you fired that crossbow? you left us open, you laid us bare for the vultures and the vultures came and tore us apart! you may not have killed Joffrey but you killed Myrcella you killed tommen no one would have TOUCHED them if father was here" and Tyrion begs that he's sorry but Cersei SCREAMS"I WILL NOT HEAR IT!" as she blames him for everything and despises him and Tyrion just accepts "all right, you love your family and I have destroyed it, I will always be a threat, so put an end to me" daring her to do something and Cersei looks up at The Mountain smiling that it'd be so easy, just a nod, and she glares at Tyrion pushing and pushing her that he took her mother and father and son and daughter and admitting to wanting to kill her himself and he walks up to The Mountain and screams "DO IT!!! say the word!"
and Gregor steps forward and half-draws his sword ready for the order and Cersei smiles at the balls on this lad and shakes with the tension of deciding to do it or not... but know she can't and sighs collapsing in her chair and Tyrion stands there gasping as he had no idea if calling her out would work or not but it was his only move left to cut to the chase and either die in which case whatever at least it's over with or live and now force her to talk like an adult without just making threats and The Mountain drops his sword back down and steps back and Cersei closes her eyes to calm down and Tyrion staggers to pour himself a wine and downs it all from the stress and Cersei looks at him and he needs to top up another drink lmao and forces himself to wall back to her... and offer her the wine... (maybe testing to see if she's pregnant? assuming in this world they know not to drink when pregnant and he knows she likes the wine and maybe figured she was scared of that zombie when she might have kept strong before because she's carrying a new child in her) and almost tip toes back to get his own glass and they immediately start bickering again with Tyrion insisting he loved his niece and nephew and she knows it in her heart and she tells him it doesn't matter and she doesn't care as she only cares about the practical effects of his action taking their future but he points out upset his sister is telling him she doesn't give a shit about his feelings that she still brought him there and she insists not to collaborate her enemies and he almost breaks down crying demanding she still has hope and she just sneers and asks what his hopes are such as Dany winning demanding to know why and Tyrion awkwardly admits it and that he thinks she'll improve the world but she reminds him he said she'd nuke KL and Tyrion defends her saying she knows herself and chose him to check not feed her worst impulses and "that's the difference between you" and Cersei sighs telling him "I don't care about checking my worst impulses, I don't care about making the world a better place, hang the world" as she's had to control herself for this shit world that does nothing but hate her all her life and can finally do whatever she wants but holds her stomach from the stress and she talks about how when she saw that zombie she didn't give a fuck about it taking the world but just keeping it away from the only people she cares about and admits Euron had the right idea hiding on an island but Tyrion deduces "you're pregnant" and she sighs that the lions cubs out of the bag, it's good storywise that she's preggers as being a mother is her best motivation rather than just being power hungry and angry although I wish she could get some more to do this season since she blew away her entire supporting cast last season and only has Jaime to talk to now
then in the arena Jon is awkwardly fiddling with ancient bones left there and Dany comes up and they awkwardly talk about his decision that might have fubungled the whole proceedings and probably did but Dany tells him she still respects him and takes the bone to fiddle with it and talks about how this place was the end for her family and says "a dragon is not a slave" in Valaryan and talks about how amazing her familys dragons were and they locked them up until they grew small and in turn her family grew small no longer being extraordinary (think it was probably your dad going insane and killing random people but ok dude) as she hands back the bone now clear that it's a tiny dragon jaw but Jon assures her that she's not like anyone else and her family will go on but she says it clearly "I can't have children" and Jon points out that maybe the witch that murdered her husband would lie to her lmao and Dany just tells him she should have trusted him and he's not one to say I told ya so so just asks what now and Dany says she cant ignore the zombies but also cant ignore Cersei and Jon says Tyrion was right: we're fucked and Dany just smiles at him lovingly like she's glad he's there, but then Jon hears something coming... and it's Tyrion... who comes back to his people... and Cersei comes marching out with all her people... and everyone gets super tense as Cersei walks up... and says... "my armies will not stand down, I will not pull them back to the capital... I will march them North to fight them along side you in the Great War, the darkness is coming for us all, we'll face it together, and when the Great War is over perhaps you'll remember I chose to help with no promises or assurances from any of you... I expect not... call our banners, all of them" and looks around smug like she can even feel superior to others when doing the right thing, inb4 she completely fucks them over and just invades Winterfell when all the armies get up North lmao
then in Winterfell a crow struggles as hard as it can to stay flying through a snowstorm as CIA points out how hard it will be to get a message here but Sansa says it's just Jon ignoring her yet again and CIA rubs it in saying "I can't believe he'd surrender the Northern crown without consulting you" wanting to get her to turn on Jon so then he can manipulate another young Lord but Sansa has the message saying Jon bent the knee from Dany and CIA starts floating the idea mischievously that Dany is beautiful and they're both young and unmarried and together they'd be extremely powerful... but Jon could be unnamed King of the North, and Sansa thinks about it but knows Arya loves Jon more than her and would kill her for betraying the family and CIA prods the sore wound "do you really think she'd murder her own sister?" and Sansa warns "do you know what she is now? do you know what the Faceless Men are?" and CIA looks at her pokerfaced and tells her "only by reputation, they worship the God of Death I believe, I never trust godly men" *tips fedora* and Sansa warns "they're killers and Arya was one of them" and CIA just stares at her and Sansa asks "what do you think she's after?" and CIA does a bit of the ol psychic driving asking "she's your sister, you understand her better than I ever could... sometimes when I try to understand a person's motives I play a little game... I assume the worst... what's the worst reason they could possible have for saying what they say and doing what they do? then I ask myself, "how well does that reason explain what they say and what they do?" so tell me: what's the worst thing she could want?" and Sansa realizes "she could want me dead... because she thinks I wronged my family" and CIA pushes "why did she come to Winterfell?" and looks satisfied as Sansa starts imagining "to kill me for marrying our enemies and betraying my family" and CIA keeps pushing "why did she unearth the letter Cersei made you write?" and Sansa imagines "to provide proof of my betrayals, to provide justification after she murders me" and CIA adds "and after she murders you what does she become?" and it hits Sansa "....Lady of Winterfell" (except Bran is back so... isn't he actually in charge? ok duuuuuuuuuuuude) and CIA just nods at her as Sansa's been mindfugged even though this is obvious some ebin ruse Arya is playing on CIA
then in Dragonstone Jon is on the warmap gaming out how to win Left 4 Dead now they have the Unsullied army, the Dothraki army, the Nothern armies, the Wildlings and now the Lannister army in their coalition of the living, suggests sending the Dothraki up to Winterfell and sail up with the Unsullied and Jorah suggests she fly up for safety as she has many enemies in the North still bootyblasted at her father that might want to become a hero by lighting her up with a crossbow and Jon says it's up to her but they should be seen as allies to the North and Dany does her Telltale game style binary decision and agrees with Jon that she needs to make clear she's no conqueror but a savoir and Jorah flashes Jon a knowing look as he can tell Dany is suddenly emotionally bias towards him, then later Theon stops Jon on the throne room and does the "leave us" meme to Davos and he talks about Jon not lying to Cersei and he explains they need to be honest to fight together and Theon ponders how he always knew the right thing even as kids and everything he dies is always right like hes jealous but Jon admits he barely knows what the fuck hes doing and has loads of regrets but Theon says "not compared to me you haven't" and Jon... agrees, and Theon looks down ashamed, but makes himself walk up to Jon and say he wanted to do the right thing but had no idea what that meant and it always seemed an impossible choice, Stark or Greyjoy, and Jon marches up to him and tells him he betrayed Ned who was more of a father than his actual father and Theon admits it completely but Jon tells him he hasn't lost the part of him that's Ned and that he can't forgive him for all of it... "but what I can forgive, I do" and Theon looks up with that meaning the world to him and Jon tells him "you don't need to choose, you're a Grejoy... and you're a Stark" and Theon has some existential moment where he stops trying to deny parts of himself and can finally realize he's a whole human being like anyone else is and he talks about Yara trying to save him from Ramsay and starts sniffling that he couldnt do it and says "she needs me now" and Jon just asks "so why are you still talking to me?" to give him the confidence to go do something uhhhhhhhhhhh idk probably asking you for help though Jon since you have access to like 6 different armies
then on the beach Theon walks up to the Ironborn and insists to them that they are all loyal to Yara and need to save her but the prominemt NPC insists Yara is dead or as good as dead but Theon insists "she's our Queen" and he reminds her "she's your sister and you left her to die!" and Theon just admits "I did, I ran from my uncle and I'm a coward" and the NPC says yeah so we wont fallow you and says they'll just go find some island to kill all the men and take their wives to hide on and Theon tells him blankly "we're done with all that, Yara made a pledge, we're going to find her, and we're going to set her free" and THE NPC SPITS IN THEON'S FACE AND MOCKS "RUN AWAY LITTLE THEON IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST!" and Theon stares at him blankly with the mans words having zero effect on him as he hates himself more than anyone else ever could so the man looks around confused this dickhead is just standing there so THE NPC PUNCHES HIM AND THEON SWINGS BACK BUT HE DODGES AND KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD AND GRABS THEON AS HE LUNGES AND TOSES HIM OVER AND THE MEN CHEER AS THEON GETS HEADBUTTED AND PUNCHED OVER... BUT HE GETS BACK UP AND CHARGES AND THE DUDE ELBOWS HIM IN THE BACK, KNEES HIM IN THE STOMACH AND PUNCHES HIM OVER AND WARNS "STAY DOWN OR I'LL KILL YOU!"
BUT THEON GETS BACK UP AND STAGGERS TO THE MAN TO PUNCH HIM BACK DOWN AND HE WARNS AGAIN "I SAID STAY DOWN OR I'LL KILL YOU!!" BUT... THEON'S BEEN READY TO DIE FOR YEARS AND STANDS BACK UP... AND THE MAN CANT BELIEVE IT AND GRABS HIM AND KNEES HIM IN THE BALLS... TO NO RESPONSE... AND THE MAN KNEES THEON'S CROTCH AGAIN... BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE!
AS HE REALIZES HE'S ACTUALLY GOT ONE LESS VULNERABILITY THAN HIS ENEMY AND IN FACT HAS TAKEN A FUCKING SHIT LOAD MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING THAN HE EVER WILL IN A HUNDRED LIFETIMES SO HEADBUTTS HIM IN THE FACE, DIVES ON TOP OF HIM, SPITS BLOOD IN HIS EYES AND STARTS BEATING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIS FACE AS HARD AS HE CAN NOT EVEN WORRYING ABOUT HURTING HIS HANDS
AND FLIPS OVER EXHAUSTED AS THE MEN ARE ALL LIKE HOLY SHIT THIS DUDES ACTUALLY HARDCORE AND THEON STRUGGLES BACK TO HIS FEET AND THE MEN HELP HIM FROM STUMBLING AND HE ANNOUNCES "NOT FOR ME, FOR YARA!" AND THE MEN ALL CHEER "YARA!" AND THEON STAGGERS TO THE OCEAN TO CLEAN HIS FACE, NOW LEADER OF THE... LIKE 12 IRONBORN ok that was fucking funny but also a bit kino, maybe it would have made more logical sense if Theon then started kicking him in the balls over and over again and that's how he won the fight rather than suddenly overpowering him since he's fighting in an unfair way this guy can't do back to him but obviously the pottery here is that the Ironborn are huge into machismo and when Theon bought into their le toxic masculinity he was a fucking moron who made terrible decisions just to be like le real man according to his horrible rape and pillage culture but still got no respect, but now that he'll never be able to fulfil that role again due to having no genitals to make children to loot for and boast about his conquests and rapes with it actually makes him be able to be true to himself, a man who's survived worse than anything that can happen to him now, and start making better decisions now that he's not burdened by those stupid stereotypes and ironically wins the respect of his men by persevering despite his evident severe PTSD and missing bodyparts and become better than when he had a dick and was a useless dipshit coward, so he's not only down a physical weakness but a mental one, exceeeeeept the only problem is I am pretty sure Theon only had his dick cut off and not his balls lmao, except I guess Ramsay did make a joke about Yara having bigger balls than Theon "ever did" so maybe they went into the dogs dish too, eagerly waiting for Theon to overthrow his uncle and him and Yara bring his entire fleet to conveniently save Jon and Dany at just the right moment
then in Winterfell Sansa is looking edgy in a hood standing out in the snow trying to focus on the cold wind against her face and orders a man "have my sister brought to the great hall" and then sitting at the special table with Bran in his wheelchair and the room full of guards and that Lord Glover guy some guards bring in Arya and everyone looks at her suspiciously like they might have to merc her and CIA eyefucks her and Arya warns "are you sure you want to do this?" and Sansa says "it's not what I want it's what honor demands" and Arya asks "and what does honor demand?" and Sansa says as CIA watches "that I defend our family from those who would harm us, that I defend the North from those who betray us" and Arya calmly says "alright then... get on with it" and Sansa pauses and asks "you stand accused of murder, you stand accused of treason, how do you answer these charges... LORD BAELISH" lmao it was just a prank bro! your trial's right here!
and everyone turns in shock to him and CIA's mind goes wild as he tries to calculate wtf to do here and Arya smugly says "my sister asked you a question" and CIA looks super shook at her as she smiles so CIA licks his lips and darts his attention to Sansa ready to talk for his life and starts up "Lady Sansa forgive me... I'm a bit confused" and smiles bewildered at his niece-in-law and she asks coldly "which charges confuse you? let's start with the simplest one: you murdered our aunt, Lysa Aryn, you pushed her through the moon door and watched her die, do you deny it?"
and CIA glances at Lord Glover who Sansa lied to and CIA instantly decides fuck this dude and says "I did it to protect you" and Sansa corrects "you did it to take power in the Vale, earlier you conspired to murder Jon Aryn, you gave Lysa Tears of Lys to poison him, do you deny it?" and CIA gets to memeing "whatever your aunt might have told you... she was a troubled woman, she imagined enemies everywhere!" now more talking to the entire room as he can tell he's lost Sansa and she says "you had Aunt Lysa send a letter to our parents telling them it was the Lannisters that murdered Jon Aryn when really it was you, the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters it was you who started it, do you deny it?" and CIA claims "I don't know of such letter" and Sansa accuses "you conspired with Cersei Lannister and Jofrey Baratheon to betray our father Ned Stark, thanks to your treachery, he was imprisoned and later executed on false charges of treason, do you deny it?!" wait how do they know he betrayed Ned? I guess Lysa told Sansa and she was just biding her time to get revenge on him? and Arya looks super smug that she finally gets to avenger her father and CIA snaps "I deny it! none of you were there to see what happened! none of you knows the truth!" to the whole room but, ah, I guess this is how they know, Bran tells him "you held a knife to his throat" and CIA gets shook but tries to hide it and Bran quotes "you said "I did tell you not to trust me"" and he looks confused how the fuck he knows that and Arya tells him "you told our mother this knife belonged to Tyrion Lannister" and takes out the dagger and adds "but that was another one of your lies, it was yours" and he turns to see Bran staring at him emotionlessly and Sansa not much better and he marches up to her desk and leans down to plead into her eyes "Lady Sansa I have known you since you were a girl, I've protected you" and Sansa calls out the dumbest writing in the show "protecting me? by selling me to the Boltons?" and CIA struggles to come up with bullshit and asks "if we could speak along... I can explain everything" but Sansa quotes him back "sometimes when I'm trying to understand a person's motives I play a little game... I assume the worst... what's the worst reason you have for turning me against my sister? that's what you do isn't it? that's what you've always done, turn family against family, turn sister against sister, that's what you did to our mother and her sister and that's what you tried to do against us, I'm a slow learner, it's true... but I learn" as Arya circles in beside CIA and he begs "Sansa please, give me a chance to defend myself, I deserve that" and Sansa sits back in her chair like it's already a done deal and CIA rushes to Lord Glover and insists "I am Lord Protector of the Vale and I command you to escort me safely back to the Eyrie" and he just says "I think not" to this dude who threatened his life and it's attempt number whatever for CIA who literally falls to his knees and cries "SANSA, I BEG YOU! I loved your mother since the time I was a boy!" but beta orbiting is only a super power for Jorah and can't save him now
as Sansa points out "and yet you betrayed her" and CIA looks at her trying to hide his vindictive nature and replies "I loved you... more than anyone" and starts fake-crying and Sansa adds "and yet you betrayed me... when you brought me back to Winterfell you told me there's no justice in the world, not unless we make it... thank you for all your many lessons Lord Baelish, I will never forget them" meaning ironically his memes will live on and CIA kneels there in shock that he can't talk his way out of a situation for once and he tries one more time to whisper "Sansa!" but ARYA SLITS CIA'S THROAT WITH HIS OWN DAGGER HE STARTED THE WAR OF THE FIVE KINGS WITH
AND HIS BLOOD SPRAYS OUT AS CIA GRABS HIS THROAT AND HE TRIES TO TALK BUT CAN ONLY GARGLE, HIS ONLY POWER TAKEN FROM HIM, AND HE THUMPS DOWN AND BLEEDS OUT OVER THE FLOOR ok uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS MANY ANY SENSE? IF SANSA AND ARYA WERE MEERELY EPIC RUSING HIM THEN WHY WERE THEY... YOU KNOW.... ARGUING IN FUCKING PRIVATE?!?!?!? I can barely be fucked to play through the logic of this so maybe I'll come back to it later but basically what a lazy end to such a great character, compare this meme-fest to how complex the writing was for his exit from KL in season 3 when he dabs on even Varys, now he is getting dabbed on by two girls who are fucking about pretending his plans are working on them... even though Bran saw he was a traitor and they could have just killed him at any time and didn't need to pretend to argue in private for the epic lulz? or did they just want to clarify that Bran was seeing the real thing and his vision was accurate? because CIA didn't really incriminate himself at all, Sansa didn't trick him into handing over evidence of his past crimes as part of some ruse to claim she was going to frame someone Arya was close with with doing it or something actually coherent they were just roleplaying in private to play a funny prank on CIA rather than just merc him and get it over with, absolute autism
in KL Jaime is telling his generals their men will march North in three days, and the men claim they need a fortnight, but Jaime says they're all going to Winterfell or it's all lost, and Cersei comes down asking "what are you doing?" and Jaime says innocently "preparing the expedition North" and Cersei is like "expedition north? I always knew you were the stupidest Lannister" ooooooooh snaaaaaaaaap and she rants "the Starks and the Targaryans have united against us and you want to fight alongside them? are you a traitor or an idiot?" and Jaime doesn't get it and Cersei lays it out "I'll say whatever I need to say to ensure the survival of our house" unlike mega brainlet Jon and she hisses "you expect me to trust the man who murdered our father?" and Jaime looks utterly heartbroken that his sister isn't going to be redeemed and is going to get them all killed because of her rage as she rants "you expect me to command our troops to fight beside foreign scum? to fight for the Dragon Queen?" and Jaime insists she saw that fucking zombie but Cersei points out if Dany and Jon's forces can't stop them her armies won't make a difference and Jaime tries to tell her "this isn't about noble houses, this is about the living and the dead!" and Cersei implies their best bet is to just let Dany and Jon waste their resources doing it all so they're not in danger and can mop them up easily if they win and Jaime insists "I made a promise" and Cersei looks at him like he's a silly boy who needs manipulating to do the right thing and puts her hand on her womb and tells him "our child will rule Westeros" but Jaime gets shook and says "our child will never be born if the dead come south" and Cersei teases they simply let the monsters kill each other while they take back their lands so they can rule looking turned on but Jaime says if Dany loses, the dead kill them too, if Dany wins, she'll kill them too for betraying them lmao but Cersei says thats already the case so might as well let them die and Jaime insists he knows they cant beat their dragons but Cersei noticed "how many dragons did you see at the pit? what happened to the third?" and Jaime says it might be guarding their fleet but Cersei can tell Dany was showing them all their power and Jaime insists they cant even defeat the Dothraki either and Cersei says they have the backing of Iron Bank and taunts him for not studying with their father as he just wanted to hunt and ride and fight unlike her who learned and says she bought the Golden Company with the Tyrell gold and now have 20K men on horses and elephants and Jaime is like how tf is Essos going to help us but Cersei says Euron didn't really turn tail and is already ferrying the Golden Company back there and Jaime realizes "you plotted with Euron Greyjoy without telling me, the commander of your armies?" super butthurt and cucked and Cersei points out he conspired with Tyrion and they bicker like, well, brother and sister, about conspiring and she says if he goes North it's treason and he shakes his head having had enough and says "it doesn't matter what I call it" and marches off... BUT THE MOUNTAIN BLOCKS HIS PATH and Cersei hisses "I told you no one walks away from me" and Jaime cant believe it "are you going to order him to kill me?" and she just looks at him like what of it bitch and Jaime snarls "I'm the only one you have left, our children are gone, our father is gone, it's just me and you now!" but Cersei smiles "there's one more yet to come" as if she's got what she wanted from him, his jizz, and Jaime dares her "give the order then" and CERSEI NODS TO THE MOUNTAIN TO DRAW HIS SWORD AND HE DOES but Jaime calls her bluff that The Mountain someone knows too and says "I don't believe you" and marches out and The Mountain just follows him not doing shit as Cersei glares after her brother/lover
then outside KL Jaime is riding into the hills and he make sure to put a glove over his discrinctive gold hand so he can ride in secret but then something lands on his glove... ash? no... SNOW, IT'S SNOWING IN KING'S LANDING, and we see it land in the dragon pit, in the walls, in the city streets and in Cersei's own apartment in the Red Keep... Winter really is Here™
then in Winterfell it's piling up and we see Sam and Gilly arrive and he goes to visit Bran who smiles as he sees "Samwell Tarly" and Sam chuckles "weren't sure you'd remember me" and Bran says "I remember everything" and Sam just nods weirded out already and Bran thanks him for helping them beyond The Wall calling him a good man and Sam says he's not sure he is but asks what happened to him and Bran turns to say "I became the Three Eyed Raven" and Sam goes "oh... I don't know what that means..." even more weirded out and Bran explains "I can see things that happened in the past, I can see things happening now all over the world, why did you come to Winterfell?" as he can't see absolutely everything yet and Sam says if Jon's fighting the dead he's come to help and Bran updates him that he's coming back with Dany and a fascinated Sam asks "you saw this in a... vision?" but Bran just lifts up the crow message he got lol and he tells him "he needs to know the truth about himself, no one knows, no one but me, Jon isn't really my father's son, he's the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and my aunt Lyanna Stark" wait... Rhaegar... that's Dany's other brother right? as he's the other smaller dragon? so that's who was keeping Ned's sister from him, not the Mad King but his son? so that makes... Jon is Dany's uhhhh... nephew? r-right, and Bran explains "he was born in a tower in Dorne, his last name isn't really Snow... it's Sand" wait.... uhhhhhhhhhhhh.... wouldn't it be Targaryen since that was his father? or, oh, that's what bastards are called in Dorne, just a generic placeholder name, rather than Jon and Ramsay who were called Snow since they were just generic placeholder names up North, ok, and Sam looks super confused and insists "it's not" and Bran spells it out "Dornish bastards are called Sand" but Sam rushes to explain "at the Citadel I transcribed a High Septon's diary, he annulled Rhaegar's mariage to Elia" woah woah woah woah... so Elia Martell that Oberyn was avenging... wasn't even married at the time of her murder... but was actually the princes wife? not the Mad King's wife? he used to be his daughter in law? who was the Mad Ling's wife exactly? what the.... how come we havn't even met Rhaegar or heard anything about him or seen him in a flashback wtf is this character? and Sam drops the bombshell "he wed Rhaegar and Lyanna in a secret ceremony" and smiles and Bran asks "are you certain?" and Sam shrugs saying "it's what the High Septon wrote in his private diary I don't know why he'd lie... is there something you can see?" and Bran is instantly at Rhaegar and Lyanna's wedding as they do the meme to the 7 gods and have their hands tied by a tree being married and we finally get to see the two and Bran realizes "Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie" as the two lovers kiss as he sees "Rhaegar didn't kidnap my aunt or rape her... he loved her!" wait so that makes... Jon... the more rightful heir to the Targaryan throne than Dany? if he was her brother's secretly legitimate child? uh ohhhhhh she gonna kill him or some shit
and we cut to Jon knocking on Dany's bedroom door as oh boy I can see it coming as she opens it Bran says "and she loved him" as if he's watching this happen to and Jon enters as Dany looks lovingly at him and closes the door and a suspicous Tyrion sneaks around in the dark watching, and Bran adds "and Jon... Jon's real name" and we cut to what his aunt whispered to Ned that day "HIS NAME IS AEGON TARGARYEN" wait so... was Amon's final words... actually trying to talk to Jon or something? that was the baby he was talking about? not his baby brother as a little boy but... a baby he looked after only like two decades ago? wait wasn't Rob only in power like 14 years? so wouldn't that make Jon still a teenager lmao? I can't keep track aaaaaaaaaaa and Bran watches his father's sister begging him to protect her son as we cut to JON FUCKING HIS AUNTY DANY!!!INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 11 as Bran's voice over explains "he's never been a bastard... HE'S THE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE" as Jon and and Dany look deep into each others eyes and breath heavy as if they can sense something weird but decide to kiss passiontely
as Tyrion listens outside like a little cuck and sulks off since I guess he's the fucking like 6th guy to fall in love with Dany out of nowhere lmao welcome to the Cuck Crew! and Bran decides "he needs to know, we need to tell him" as we see Dany's ship sail across the sea, boy can't wait for Jon to find out about this and have a big ol brood about it since he's such a whiny faggot, although for once to speak out against incest Dany is already inbred to fuck and back so maybe adding another layer of incest to the Targ family tree will not be good for the kid lul
then later in Winterfell Arya is talking to Sansa as she talks about how "in his own horrible way I believe he loved me" and Arya tries to tell her "you did the right thing" but Sansa insists "you did it" and Arya says "I'm just the executioner, you passed the sentence, you're the Lady of Winterfell" even though it's Bran in charge now but ok duuuuude and just to clarify for the dumb audience "does that bother you?" her sister asks and Arya smiles and says "I was never going to be as good a lady as you so I had to be something else, I never could have survived what you survived" but Sansa takes it back saying "you would have, you're the strongest person I know" and Arya looks at her seriously and says "I believe that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me" saying that she'd survive getting raped by a serial killer husband lmao and Sansa quips "well... don't get used to it, you're still very strange and annoying" amen to that! and Arya looks out into the snow smiling and quotes "in winter we must protect ourselves, look afterone another" and Sansa remembers "father: "when the snows fall and the white wins blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives"" and they stand there remembering him and Arya says "I miss him" and Sansa says "me too" fucking hashtag me too more like
and under the holy white tree Bran has wheeled himself through the snow there somehow and is away on a DMT trip doing some recon on Eastwatch by the Sea and his flock of birds soars around the edge of The Wall and up above it and over it along the scaffolding and we see Tormund and Beric ontop of it looking at this odd, well, murder of crows circling about in a strange fashion and they go up to a lookout tower and Beric notes "it's a long way down" and Tormund sighs "yeah, crows keep telling me I'll get used to it" and they smile at each other but then... TORMUND SEES... A WHITE WALKER RIDING OUT FROM THE TREE LINE... AND THEIR MEN YELL TO WATCH IT AS MORE ZOMBIES STAGGER OUT... AND TORMUND GASPS AS... THE ENTIRE UNDEAD ARMY MARCH TOWARDS THE WALL...
AND A HUGE SNOWSTORM STARTS DRIFTING TOWARDS THEM, AND A HORN BLARES... A SECOND TIME... AND A THIRD TIME TO SIGNAL WHITE WALKERS... AS THEY SEE IN THE SEA OF ZOMBIES THERE'S EVEN UNDEAD GIANTS... BUT THEY JUST STOP... AND THE WHITE WALKER LOOKS UP... AND TORMUND HEARS SOMETHING SCREECHING IN THE DISTANCE... AND LOOKS UP TO SEE...
AND ALL THE MEN RUN LIKE FUCK DOWN THE STAIRS AS BLUE FIRE DRILLS THROUGH THE WALL LIKE A LASERBEAM AND HUGE CLOUDS OF STEAM RISE INTO THE AIR AS THE WALL STARTS TO CRUMBLE
AND MEN SCREAM AS THEY FALL OFF AS HUGE SHARDS OF ICE SLIP DOWN AS THE ZOMBIES JUST STAND THERE WATCHING AND TORMUND AND BERIC CANT GET TO THE STAIRS IN TIME AND SEE A MAN FALL TO HIS DEATH AS THE ENTIRE STRUCTURE COLLAPSES PROBABLY KILLING THEM TOO
WHATEVER ANCIENT CHILDREN OF THE FORREST WHATEVER THE FUCK ELF MAGIC HOLDING IT UP BEING NO MATCH FOR A ZOMBIE DRAGONS UNHOLY BLUE FIRE CAUSING THE WALL TO COLLAPSE OFF THE CLIFF INTO THE SEA
THE ZOMBIES FINALLY MAKING THEIR WAY INTO WESTEROS... AND THE NIGHT KING RIDES HIS UNDEAD DRAGON MOUNT TO GUIDE THEIR WAY AS THEY FLOOD OVER THE WALL AND ACROSS THE BORDER...
UGGGHH IVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO NOT MAKE TRUMP JOKES ALL THIS THREAD BUT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE: WHEN THE NIGHT KING SENDS HIS WHITE WALKERS, HE'S NOT SENDING HIS BEST, HE'S SENDING WHITE WALKERS THAT HAVE A LOT OF ZOMBIES AND THEY'RE BRINGING THOSE ZOMBIES WITH THEM
THEY'RE BRINGING REANIMATED DRAGONS, THEY'RE BRINGING UNDEAD GIANTS, THEY'RE BRINGING WYTES, AND SOME, I ASSUME, USED TO BE GOOD PEOPLE, WE HAVE SOME BAD ZOMBRES HERE, AND WE'RE GOING TO GET THEM OUT
hmmm you know what the dragons blue flames reminded me of? Varys talking about how the fire he heard a voice from turned blue hmmm gets my noggin joggin that the warlock that cut his junk off was trying to summon the Night King or something and that's how Varys learned about him or something, inb4 this is complete coincidence and the warlock is never brought up again and uhhhhhhhhh well I guess Beric wasn't the Chosen One then was he lmao guess it's Jon after all, also rip Tormund he'll never get that giant Brie pussy, alright time for me to just rant about how I felt about this season, compared to all the obnoxious filler (the Sand Snake Cringe Crew, Arya's "training", extremely slow build-up to the High Sparrow turning on Cersei) and absentee interesting characters (The Hound, Bran) in season 5 from trying to compress two books into one season and the absolute fucking drivel that went down in season 6 with five different people just killing Kings to take their positions and the climax with a 4 seasons long villain being an almost anti-climax it fell so narratively flat from having to come up with their own ideas this season flowed a lot better due to the shortened episode amount and it's honestly just devolved into literal fanfiction now lmao where they have clearly said fuck it dude and made the show a typical fanservice adventure story with less edge than the previous seasons since all the extremely edgy characters like Joffrey and Ramsay are rip'd so there isn't that dissonance in season 5 and 6 where it's meant to be le gritty and ground le consequences universe but with plots being told by fucking morons and is now just entirely silly fantasy fodder since DnD did a good job adapting the best bits of GRRMs extremely autistic and pedantic books so there was a best of both worlds of the gritty themes from the books being shown on compelling tv episodes but once they ran out of books they couldn't keep the same themes going and it was a bit cringy but now they seem to have decided fuck it duuuude since GRRM wont even get another book out within like 5 years never mind the final one so they can do whatever they want with the show getting even more plot driven than before, which isn't so bad but it just makes it another typical generic american tv show, since before it was character driven, where the characters drive the plot, where even if it has no pay-off in the plot or fucks up plots you were following, if that's what those characters would do or would happen to them that's what happens, e.g. Robb planning out battles he never gets to see because he fucking dies, Oberyn being cocky and paying the price despite vowing revenge on Tywin, The Mountain just gets poisoned to death despite having a rivalry with another character, Jon's love interest getting killed not by him, his arch nemesis or rival to advance their characterization by a side-character 12 year old boy because she killed his father, Ned doing the right thing even if it endangers him and dying for it even though he's the main character, Locke coming from a House that allows mutilating enemies and resents Lords telling him what to do despite Jaime's claim to fame being a sword fighter, Theon not getting a traditional redemption arc since Ramsay wants to torture him for years for fun just because he's a twisted fucking psychopath, important Kings like Rob and Joffrey dying just because someone gets tired of their shit and poisons them no matter how unfitting their replacement is, ect ect, and it made it exciting since you never know where the plot would go and made all the characters seem in real danger and playing really clever games since they were up against consistent grounded rules rather than the rule of whatever is cool and dramatic most shows go by, but now the plot drives the characters like most shows to get them to be certain places and do certain things those characters would probably never decide to do or manage to achieve, e.g. the selfish Bronn saving the completely fucked Jaime in the nick of time and he somehow gets pulled up from the bottom of a lake in full plate armor, Jon's Avengers team-up episode where all our favorite fighters fight the zombies epic style that has actual redshirt usage, I forgot what season I was watching and thought one of the long haired dudes that got taken out by the racist polar bear was Thoros but he's a main character so of course needs a poetic death, and Jon survives falling in freezing cold water surrounded by an army of zombies because his uncle somehow finds him somehow just in time and somehow gets him away from 100K enemies so he can go back to Dany after being pointlessly seperated for 5 minutes of screentime, before it took months to travel Westeros and was a big decision for characters to try to attempt that but now characters can fast travel across the map to bring them to places for the plot to take place, Arya is now OP as fuck and is basically a T-1000 now who can change into any human and has somehow gotten perfect at assassination and combat after 2 years of training with staffs only, Bran is also OP as fuck and basically omnipotent but the characters are not consistent with the plot since these two people motivated to make great change in the world and are able to simply don't unless it's to serve the plot by revealing pointless twists and getting rid of characters too complex to keep around and Dany, lord, Dany has always been shit, she has no consequences or risk or anything to anything she does, Jon just falls in love with her being her 6th beta orbiter after Drogo, Jorah, Triple X, Daario, I guess Tyrion and almost Euron, Dany literally gets fucking raped and there's zero repercussions, she fell so in love with her rapist that him being killed is her main motivator for her vengeance against her vaguely defined "enemies" that at that stage is one woman she can easily have killed, she has a miscarriage which is bad but it's from later consensual sex, she says some cringy shit about all men must die but has no problem letting the agonizingly obviously thirsty as fuck Jorah and Daario orbit around her which you think might make a rape victim uncomfortable, all her enemies are instantly defeated when she bothers to bring her dragons or in the case of the blue-lipped warlock guy(s ?) they send one assassin after her and then give up and fuck off forever never to be seen again lmao, she effortlessly takes city after city and the closest thing to a price she pays is Barry gets merced, but now Dany's Mary Sue aura has spread across the whole continent of Westeros to the other hero characters with a nice dash of Ramsay's "make everyone around me a fucking idiot so I look good in comparison" aura, like the Night King throwing his spear at the smaller dragon instead of Drogon who has the most important characters among his enemies which he must know from having similar abilities to Bran or at least remembering Jon and seeing Dany obviously controlling the dragons, Cersei doesn't think to have more than one balista built and kept in King's Landing where Dany will obvious bring her dragons and Dany doesn't even consider there might be more there, Cersei has a free opportunity to betray Dany since Tyrion is now a fucking moron who forgets what a ruthless backstabbing sadistic hateful bitter petty cunt his sister is and risks Jon and loses them the extremely important assets of a dragon and literal rez medic Thoros sending him North of The Wall to do the extremely difficult task of capturing a zombie for the obvious fools errand of winning Cersei over, in fact his IQ is falling rapidly thinking the Masters would give in to their threats if he simply gave them 7 years, telling Dany not to burn Euron's fleet even though she can obviously send the two little ones to do it without physically being ontop of them, coming up with the pointless plan to seize Casterly Rock that is strategically useless to them, I'd say he was brain damaged from too much alcohol but it's just because DnD are clearly too stupid or simply don't have the time GRRM takes to write intelligent characters like Tyrion, Varys and CIA so they tried to do the best move and keep the latter two off-screen mostly but can't hide how Tyrion is now a fucking idiot and as soon as they bring Varys and CIA back Varys is now useless and despite being the best spymaster in the world can't find out about their enemy teleporting their army about (but don't worry they did the teleporting army meme back to them with the Dothraki sneak attack and the Unsullied somehow leaving Casterly Rock with no fleet) and CIA is so character assassinated that Sansa and Arya can waste their time literally like roleplay in private or whatever the fuck is going on there (I was almost thinking they were trying to trick Bran or some other omnipotent third party observer by arguing in private, well I guess they are, the audience lmao) and he can't see Sansa clearly resenting him and Arya clearly wanting to kill him coming from a mile away never mind that Bran LITERALLY QUOTES WHAT HE SAID IN PRIVATE BACK TO HIM, PROVING HE HAS SUPERNATURAL KNOWLEDGE ON HIM and yet CIA doesn't do shit about it :cia: he doesn't try to kill Bran or at least, you know, fucking leave, or come up with some scheme to talk his way out of it or turn the girls on Bran since he'll obviously tell Sansa shit about him, since they need to kill off an actually for once well written Machiavellian character like that bringing him from the most dangerous power player in Westeros who starts a war between five houses and assassinates the King to stupidly marrying Sansa to a serial killer and then just floating about her being blatantly obviously a sneaky backstabbing snake who constantly talks about being a sneaky backstabbing snake and dies like a bitch in a blatantly obvious thing to happen from how Arya is a, you know, trained assassin suspicious of him and shits all over the really cool theme that the Game of Thrones was not played between Kings but by CIA and Varys which is probably how it goes IRL with leaders just being figureheads and the real most influential people being their advisers scheming in the background yet the two never meet or interact ever again, I've seen some autistic fan theories that CIA actually faked his death by having a Faceless Man body double and he did all this shit because Sansa is secretly his love child he had with Caitlyn and that's what message the girl was passing him was about but that would actually be cool writing so probably won't happen, the whole show is basically fan service now where characters like The Hound are popular so are good guys who have a nice wee smile with the woman who almost killed him and the writers got super shook at the backlash from the last rape scene they wrote since they couldn't just say i-it was in the books so now have Sansa brutally getting revenge on Ramsay in an extremely underwhelming scene and her and Arya effortlessly dabbing on the most cunning man in the world since they think that's what the fanbase wants to see however this runs into the problem that the show started out being about subverting tropes (which is already a problem since you're just reacting to other material rather than, you know, coming up with your stories lmao) with muh grounded consequences but if you jettison the grim n gritty themes for your usual set-up and pay-off entertainment this makes all the fucking rape scenes put in for realism's sake a but of a retroactive cringe lmao (even though let's be real, that's what normies want to see, violence and sexual violence and sexual taboo, but they can't admit it so need to hide it behind "uh idk its just in this cool fantasy tv show lol") I mean it was always a bit yikes since like, ok I do like the theme in this show of reality rushing up to smack people in the face and if I was going to write something that's probably what it would be like, retarded characters saying "why don't you just shoot them in the leg" and then getting their femoral artery blasted open and non-stop edge and horrible things happening but again normies should probably not like anything I'd like, and the problem with extreme EDGE that a lot of this material falls into, as in doesn't actually serve the story, is that it's got nothing now adays to be rebelling against, the idea of grimdark fantasy specifically is that it's an answer to things like Disney fairytales that depict the medieval period as a time of wonders and adventure and the antics of royals to be heroic and fun rather than how ghastly and shit it was in real life (which is just how we in the modern day think of those stories, in reality actual fairtyales were fucking horrifying and used to scare children into being good and we've had narratives deconstructing the typical heroes journey by putting those tropes in a more realistic setting since like Don Quixote in 1605 and arguably stories in the bible where people act on the foolhardy tropes of their cultural context and get fucked the hell up by God for being dumb), but we don't really culturally have fairytales anymore thanks to Americas cultural hegemony over the planet and them being completely psychologically broken since 9/11, probably the most optimistic material in pop culture is the Marvel movies but they still have almost all the protagonists being flawed and alienated, and the DC superhero movies didn't fly so good because making a gritty reimagining of superman is pointless because all heroes in our modern day are already brooding angry anti-heroes, people completely miss that characters like Walter White are villain protagonists because our pop culture is already sutured with stories unirionically glorifying violent selfish criminals, people don't get that Jack Bauer is meant to be a miserable monster destroying his soul for torturing people when pop culture is already full of badass soldiers being justified in torturing their enemies, there's no point in making a grim and gritty Jack Ryan tv show about how stressful and damaging being a spy in real life would be in response to the silly spy movies because there are none anymore that's what fucking James Bond already is since he can't have fun anymore, in fact now adays if you want to be edge then just playing heroic tropes, that haven't actually been in fiction since like the fucking 50s or some shit before the Vietnam war when america could still say they were the good guys with a straight face which is why Captain America is such a successful character because he's genuinely just a good person and the only character like that in all of modern pop culture when every single other one is "heh this dude isn't a straight laced boyscout! hes what a man of violence would ACTUALLY be like! fucking hardcore and badass dude!", so idk that much of how the literary world is since I don't read that many books (although whenever I try to dip into some is seems it's even fucking worse than mainstream media, every book I have ever heard of in my life for adults is either a crime thriller about a serial killer who eats babies or a drama about a woman who got raped by her grampa for being gay or whatever the fuck) but what exactly is this show being the dark and edgy version of? Lord of the Rings, an adaptation of a book from the 30s? that was actually very violent and dark itself? its also got the undercurrent that there's something wrong with idealized fiction, which in a non-retarded world would be fine as something for children to enjoy and then grow out of as they have their own lives, but this is a world where 30 year old men love media for children so feel some sense of pride in actually enjoying "heh grimdark and violent fiction for serious fans such as myself", if you want actual brutal realism just watch the fucking news mate lmao, like seriously, if you wan't stories that go against the tropes and have real consequences read about true crime and you will get some real shocking twists and extreme edge no pussy ass writer would ever come up with
08-11-2019
rubycalaber
Game of Thrones 8x01: "Winterfell" The Manlet King special edition
First aired: April 14, 2019
alright lets do this shit final season lets go boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
this episode opens with literally like a fan compilation from youtube or some shit and then the Previously on Game of Thrones segment as a crash course for all the normies who are only watching now after ignoring this for 9 years since they don't have the autism required like I do to watch all this dumb shit just to be in the know for the final season and we get the story with the Night King summed up and see him smashing through the wall and then fade to black and finally get the HBO logo and then the final opening credits that I assume has hanged throughout to show each new location and yeah this seasons one has the gap in the wall leading to uh some castle and then Winterfell I guess if I paid attention to this shit before I'd have realized the holy white tree was within the Winterfell compound and just so you know where everything is we see the great hall and crypt of Winterfell and then Kingslanding in this weird like pop-up book table top game animation thing with the ballista and the dragon skull and the throne room and finally get the title card and the first actual content we finally get 4 minutes in is some little boy running through the frozen forest as fast as he can to get to Winterfell and runs through the crowd and he sees soldiers marching behind it and we can see they're Unsullied and we see Arya giving a smirk as she remembers the wonder o a child seeing shit like this for the first time and the shota climbs up a tree like Bran would have done at that age to get a good look and he looks in amazement as the Unsullied army march through his town to the castle
and he looks behind to see all 8K Unsullied marching in formation... and Dany in her white winter coat and Jon in his ratty wolf skin cloak riding side by side now partners and Arya gasps in joy as she sees her brother, or more like uhhh... cousin? for the first time in 8 fucking years and she also sees... The Hound riding along, who she scowls at not sure what to make of him, but then smiles when she sees Gendry is alive and with them, and we see Tyrion talking to Varys in a cart and he gives us the first line of the season "you should consider yourself lucky, at least your balls wont freeze off" and Varys teases "you take great offence at dwarf jokes but tell eunuch jokes, why is that?" and Tyrion smirks knowing this might be the last time he gets to banter with his friend and says "because I have balls and you don't" and Varys just gives him a condescending look like he secretly appreciates it too and then we see Missy and Grey Worm riding into town and they see... the sea of white faces all staring at them not knowing what to make of the first black people they've ever seen FUCKING FORCED DIVERSITY THE SJWS ARE RUINING WINTERFELL
but they're also staring at Dany who also looks odd but Jon says "I warned you, Northerners don't much trust outsiders" so maybe that's the issue and not racism/Dany being an extremely overdesigned player character, and Dany gives a pondering look to the crowd like if they don't like me what are they gonna make of these as THE CROWD HEAR ROARING AND LOOK UP TO SEE DROGON AND HIS BROTHER FLYING IN AND A MAN SCREAMS "GODS PROTECT US!"
AND DANY SMILES AS THEY ALL SCREAM AND GET SCARED AS DROGON DOES A FLYBY OVER THE CROWD TO JOIN HIS BROTHER OVER WINTERFELL CASTLE but Arya just smiles as this is the coolest shit ever and as they fly over Winterfell Sansa looks up relieved that they have some real fucking big guns now
then inside the castle itself Bran is sitting there and looks relieved just a little to see Jon even though he knew he was coming he probably still misses things and Jon looks overjoyed and rushes to kiss him on the forehead and tells him "look at you! you're a man!" but Bran just says "almost" blankly, maybe a reference to how he cant have sex anymore or he knows he's going to have to do something to be considered a man soon, and Jon looks concerned as he realizes how much his little bro has changed but Sansa just smirks as she knows it's ok and when Jon sees her he rushes over and Bran gives Dany and Jorah an odd look and they give him an odd look back and Jon hugs his sister and asks where Arya is as I guess he got letters about it and she says "lurking about somewhere" lul and then Dany comes forward for Jon to introduce her to Sansa, not with the insane titledrop memes thankfully, as Lady Mormont and Lord Glover look on suspiciously and Dany says some sucking up shit about how this place and her is as beautiful as her brother said and Sansa just forces herself to say "Winterfell is yours, Your Grace" and Dany looks immediately annoyed at her for being anything but enchanted by her and having any hesitation about handing over her ancestors home to a new powerful monarch and Bran interjects saying "we don't have time for all this, the Night King has your dragon, he's one of them now, The Wall has fallen, the dead march South" and everyone looks super shook at each other, but in a moment of editing that looking back becomes a big thing in this episode, we just cut away from someone delivering important information so we don't find out how anyone reacts to it and it seems like no one gives a shit lol
then in the great hall Sansa is explaining as soon as they heard about The Wall falling she called all their bannermen to Winterfell and calls Lord Umber, who's like fucking 10, and asks when his men arrive, and he asks for more wagons "if it pleases my lady..... and my lord?" as he realizes Jon is there and isn't sure if he's the boss now or too or wtf is going on here and then he realizes to add "and... my Queen? ...sorry" as he remembers Dany is there and everyone seems to be defering to her and this poor little boy is just trying to do his best to protect his people but he's in an extremely convoluted decade long fantasy plot lmao and Sansa allots him as much as they can spare and Jon says to send ravens to call Night's Watch as there's no point manning The Wall now and the maester goes to do that
and Lady Mormont comes forward and calls him out for no longer being a King and mocks him "I'm not sure what you are now? a Lord? nothing at all? we named you King in the North!" and the whole room supports her and Jon tries to explain what an honor it was but they need allies or they die and Dany and Sansa share a suspicious bitchy look as Jon says "I had a choice, my crown or protecting the North, I chose the North" and everyone argues amongst themselves if he did the right thing or not and Tyrion sees Jon can't be doing with this politics horseshit any longer so stands up and tells them Jon Snow risked his life to prove the threat is real and now has them the greatest army the world has ever seen, two full-grown dragons... and even the Lannister army, but before he even finishes it he knows that wont help but he has to tell them and everyone argues even more lmao and he tries to explain they have to even be allies with his fucked up family they all hate or they'll die and then Sansa asks how tf they are feeding Dothraki, Unsullied and two dragons asking sassily "what do dragons eat anyway?" and Dany quips "whatever they want" and gives her the death glare lmao ooooooooh bitchyyyyyyy what a dumb thing to set up that's obviously going to resolve in them learning to respect their fellow empowered woman, as if either would care about being bitchy rivals having a little pissing contest when they are all about to die
and as if to answer Dany's point we hear a horse snorting and neighing as they are being overpowered to bring in coal on carts from outside and we see Gendry catching some spilling off and telling the men they need all of it and telling them to get it in the forges as he needs to make more weapons and overlooking this Tyrion walks up to finds his ex... still his wife? and does the "leave us" meme to Lord Glover so he can talk to Sansa and sweet talks her for being Lady and she compliments him back for being Hand but throws shade at Dany and he remembers the last time they saw each other but Sansa jokes "it had its moments" and Tyrion throws shade at her for leaving and leaving him in such hot water but Sansa points out they both survived and Tyrion compliments her "a lot of people underestimated you... most of them are dead now" and they discuss the Lannister army coming up North but Sansa calls him out that they are obviously not coming and Cersei was just lying lmao and Tyrion claims she has something to live for now but Sansa looks down at her husband and says "I used to think you were the cleverest man alive..." and walks off since she can see his own sister clearer than he can since he's so emotionally bias and Tyrion looks down to see Bran in his chair looking up at him
then by the holy white tree Jon is staring at the creepy blood crying face and Arya suddenly apears behind him saying "you used to be taller"LMAO ANOTHER JON IS A MANLET JOKE and he asks "how'd you sneak up on me?" and squints his eyes like the gormless idiot he is amazed at how big his sister is and she just fires back "how'd you survive a knife through the heart?" pointing out they've both been through some weird shit and he just says "I didn't" I guess no one told Arya how he got brought back to life? you'd think she'd be interested due to the whole God of Death shit but she drops the stoic killer act and grins and rushes to hug him and he kneels down to grab her and grimaces trying not to cry and he sees she still has Needle and she lets him hold it and he asks "you ever use it?" and she says seriously "once or twice" as she remembers all her not so glorious kill and Jon knows just how to reconnect with her and shows her Longclaw and she realizes "Valaryan steel" and he teases "jealous?" like only a big sibling does with their little sibling but she says "too heavy for me" and offers it back with a proud smile her brother's become a badass too and he puts his hand on her shoulder and says he could have used her help with Sansa as they're both more practically minded people than Sansa who's more attuned to the social dynamics going on which I enjoy isn't written to be a bad thing like oh the dumb feminine girl is not wise like her masculine brother and tomboy sister since Sansa can manage the political dynamics far better than Jon, can predict Cersei's behaviour more accurately than her own brother and can even dab on CIA when working together with her violent little sister, unironically a well written strong female character, hopefully Dany's Mary Sue doesn't rub off on her and Arya has noticed "she doesn't like your Queen does she?" and Jon smiles "Sansa thinks she's smarter than everyone!" having only just met his sister first the first time since she was like 12 but Arya tells him "Sansa is the smartest person I've ever met" and Jon chuckles "now you're defending her? you? lol" and Arya smiles "I'm defending our family, and so is she" and Jon understands what she's saying, to trust her sister, and says "I'm her family too" and Arya hugs her big brother, one of her childhood heroes, and tells him "don't forget that" actually a well written scene bravo
then in KL we see Cersei looking out to see looking smug that she just fucked over Dany who's probably going to get herself killed waiting for her help that's never coming and if her whole army fails who gives a shit they're all dead anyway surrounded by her Kingsguard and a certain big fuck off bastard one when Qyburn, her Hand, comes up to tell her "the dead have broken through The Wall" and she just smirks and says "good" and even Qyburn looks around concerned like wtf this bitch crazy and he looks out to see Euron's fleet in the sea
and we see him on his boat smirking with a new right hand man in fancy armor and he goes inside to see Yara tied to a post and she asks "why don't you just kill me and get it over with?" and he says "ah because we're family, the last Greyjoys left in the world" and sits down beside her to drink wine and adds "the last ones with balls anyway! if I kill you... who can I talk to? hmm? I've got a crew full of mutes... heh... it gets lonely at sea" oh yeah he cut all his men's tongues out lmao I guess so they can't snitch on him or even talk back or some edgy shit I thought that was just a joke or something but ok that's gonna be the first EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 138 of the season from me dawg and Yara deduces they're in KL and he offers her wine almost as a reward but she warns "you picked the losing side" and he just shrugs and says "then I'll sail the Iron Fleet somewhere else..." and get right up into her face suddenly looking wide-eyed and tells his niece "but first I'm gonna fuck the queen!" and walks off as she sits there fuming, oh yeah since him claiming to just run and hide was a le ebin ruse right?
then in the Iron Throneroom Cersei is asking "20K men is it?" and Euron's right hand man, or I guess, I recognize that armor... the new chief of the Kingsguard or maybe City Guard now that Jaime fucked off? well he says yes but a few died in transit and Euron shrugs saying "they cheated at dice! or maybe I cheated.... someone cheated... they weren't good fighters you won't miss them" explaining he killed his own men lmao, wait Cersei asks "horses?" and the man says "two thousand" and I get the picture when she asks "elephants?" and he goes "uh no elephants Your Grace" so we won't be getting some 300 shit I guess this is the leader of the Golden Company she's hired with her loan from (((The Iron Bank))) that Euron was ferrying back and even killed some of his men lmao and Cersei tries to contain her rage barely able to keep her from grimacing and says "that's... disappointing, I was expecting elephants" as if she's some spoiled little girl who feels entitled to her every whim and is going full despot where they really do order really bizarre shit like people to bring them elephants because when a dictator gets ultimate power they get in the habit of being used to just whatever they want being done for them which you can see in people who are just very rich since all their life they can just say oh I want that and some servant does it for them which you can see a lot in Trump lmao since he's both been rich all his life and now has extreme political power so just does the most bizarre shit not realizing it's not normal or good optics to demand to watch nothing but gorilla documentaries all day or start throwing paper towels at hurricane victims or whatever weird behaviour lmao and Harry the subtitles say explains they're not suited for long sea voyages and Cersei controls herself and tells him he's welcome to KL and he bows saying he looks forward to fighting for her and walks off and Euron starts pushing if he's welcome too and Cersei has to suck it up and call him a true friend to the crown and he pushes his luck walking up to her but The Mountain steps forward to keep him at bay and he whispers "I was hoping to speak in private?" but Cersei says after the war and he reminds her wars last years and Cersei tells him "you want a whore? buy one, you want a Queen... earn her" which I have seen the biggest whores online quote pretending it represents them lmaoooo and Euron starts bitching that he's given her justice, an army and the Iron Fleet "yet she gives me no sigh of affection... my heart is nearly broken!" and Cersei turns away cringing at how much this man makes her skin crawl and she turns back to say "you're insolent... I've executed men for less" and Euron instantly says "they were lesser men" and Cersei stares at him like she wants to kill him so fucking bad but Qyburn gives a concerned look so she controls herself and storms off but then she realizes... she really does need him and this is the kind of guy to not give a shit and fuck off to the other side of the planet, so she looks back unable to stop her sad grimace but Euron is used to that look lmao and gets a huge grin as he realizes she's inviting him to a ummm private discussion and bounds up the steps slipping past The Mountain giving him a big grin as he maddogs him through his rotten eyelids and heavy helmet, >tfw your waifu is a massive whore
then with Bronn whenever he iswith a cag who the subtitles say is Dirah she is saying "I hear the dragon burnt up a thousand Lannister men" and he looks over to see Craya saying "burnt up some of my favorite boys" and he rolls his eyes as the three cags he's hired, a blonde a redhead and a brunette, are gossiping about how some soldiers called Archie and William got nuked and Bronn cant believe they're talking about other clients on his dime and reminds them "I am the only man you ever met who shot a dragon" but they don't believe it and all undress and jump on top of him and one immediately starts riding his dick but the other two start up again gossiping about a ginger lad who came back with his eyelids burnt off and the other girl asks confused "how does he sleep with no eyelids?" in a dark room I guess lmao (I just learned from a clickbait artcle that this character they're talking about, Eddie, is actually ED SHIRANS CHARACTER HAHAAHAHAHA I also read that he had to delete his twitter account he got so bullied after his apperance oh ho ho hoahahahahaha) and Bronn sighs "all right can we stop talking about the fucking dragons now?" trying to hide how disturbed he was by it
when suddenly QYBURN APPEARS IN THE ROOM and Bronn is like "you're fucking kidding me" as if he can't even get a nut off in this insane world but he says the queen wants him so Bronn knows that's the real shit you cant turn down so says sorry to the girls and gets dressed and as one leaves she shows she's quite the little buisnesswoman and tries to get work from Qyburn teasing "if you are ever lonely I am partial to older gentlemen" and skipping off but Qyburn just looks after them and says "poor girl, the pox will take her within the year" and Bronn splutters on his wine and asks "which girl?" not wanting to get infected too lmaoooooooooo but Qyburn ignores him and tells him Cersei will fulfil her brothers promises to him but he doesn't trust her after losing his last castle and wife but Qyburn blames it on Jaime saying the Queen's got wagons of gold for him and Bronn realizes he's being paid off for an assassination mission and refuses if it's Dany but Qyburn says "she has other plans for the Targaryen girl" oh I bet, a lot of rape I assume, and Qyburn tells him "her brothers are unlikely to survivre their Northern adventures but in the unlikely event that they do... she has a keen sense of poetic justice" as he has a guard bring in JOFFREY'S OLD ORNAMENTAL CROSSBOW TYRION USED TO KILL TYWIN AFTER JAIME FREED HIM that she wants him to pop his old employers with and Bronns jaw drops as he gasps "that fucking family!" and Qyburn explains he thought his life was over but Cersei rewarded his service well and tempts him with riches if he completes his mission so he takes the crossbow and he gives him a little nod as Bronn stands there in shock
then with Cersei and Euron... after sex... she's still bitching about the elephants (while sipping wine despite being pregnant already you fucking thot) but he starts meming immediately "so how do I compare to the fat king?" and Cersei doesn't care but knows what he'll say next and asks half heartedly "you're insulting my late husband?" and he whispers "are you offended?" as she sits there waiting for him to say some shit about her brother as she explains "Robert had a different whore every night but he still didn't know his way around a woman's body" and Euron dares to ask "and the Kingslayer?" and stares her down and Cersei realizes "you enjoy risking your neck don't you?" and Euron admits "life is boring" as he's a twisted fucking psychopath with impulse control issues who needs constant excitement as she doesn't actually value anything even his own life and Cersei tells him "you're not boring, I'll give you that" lis and Euron grins at the compliment and stalks up to her sitting drinking wine of course and stares down and asks "do I please the Queen?" and Cersei notes "you might be the most arrogant man I've ever met... I like that" convincingly sucking up to this man who's navy she needs but she asks "and now I'd like to be alone" but Euron starts creepily rubbing her belly as if he can tell shes pregnant and she looks disgusted and scared he knows but he says "hhhhehhhhh I'm gonna put a prince in your belly" since le benis in bagina was a big deal back then and could determine the fate of Houses and Cersei sits there trying to keep a brave face but breaks down in tears at how disgusted she is
then on Euron's ship we hear some thwap thwap noises and cut to A BUNCH OF SAILORS GETTING DROPPED BY ARROWS AS A TEAM OF BOWMEN MAKE THEIR WAY ONTO THE SHIP, WE ZERO DARK THIRTY NOW BOI
and Yara hears a slash and a thud and looks up to see a guard fall dead through the door followed by THEON!!! yeah boiiiiiiiii and he rusehs over to unty her and YARA HEADBUTTS HER BROTHER LMAOOO
and Theon's like wtf is wrong with my life lmao but Yara offers her hand and pulls him up and he steels himself trying not to cry from joy his sister accepts him back, then later Yara is saying "Euron can't defend the Iron Islands, not if he's in King's Landing with all his men and his ships, we can take our home back" reasoning that Dany needs a secondary stronghold the Dead can't reach and Theon looks unhappy about that probably as everyone hates him there but says he's loyal to her and she realizes what the issue is that he wants to fight for the Starks at Winterfell and he looks torn between his two Houses again but Yara just says "go... what is dead may never die" which takes on new meaning to Theon since he's already been through hell and he says the meme back but she adds "but kill the bastards anyway" since now their meme has an even newer meaning since they're literally fighting the dead and they hug each other and just hold each other for a while knowing they might not see each other again
then in Winterfell I assume the Umbers are turning up at the castle surrounded by refugee tents and Lord Glover is inviting ah yes Lady Karstark and the three advisers Tyrion, Varys and Davos are watching them come in and Varys says they have one of the best sigils, just a sun, and Tyrion quips "beats an onion anyway" but he admits "can't argue with that" and points out how Jon brought peace between the two houses but they don't know Dany and neither do the Free Folk and are going to side with Jon over her warning Dany has to earn their loyalty and then they walk up on the men rushing to shovel coal
and Davos proposes that if they survive the Night King "what if for once in the Seven Kingdom's shit history they were ruled by a just woman and an honerable man?" as they look down on Jon and Dany being cute together in their camp and Tyrion admits "they do make a hansom couple" but Varys warns "Jon and Danaerys don't want to listen to lonely old men" and Tyrion insecurely says he's not as old as Davos but Varys says youngsters like them who are still in their 20s want to keep men like them at a distance since they remind them "nothing lasts" and looks down sad that all these people are probably gonna die
and in the camp Dany lets Jon know "your sister doesn't like me" and he assures her Sansa didn't like him growing up either lmao but Dany says she needs to respect her as a Queen and is about to say some edgy shit threatening her but then Dothraki ride up to tell their Queen the dragons have eaten 18 goats 11 sheep but Dany says "the dragons are barely eating" and they go out into the countryside to find a very lethargic Drogon and his brother sitting there near some burnt bones and their mother explains "they don't like the North" and Jon looks confused and then scared as the smaller one takes a sniff at him real fucking close as it never got a good look like Dorogon has but Dany climbs up on him and offers Jon "go on" and he looks around shook saying "I don't know how to ride a dragon... what if he doesn't want me to?" and Dany smiles "then I've enjoyed your company Jon Snow" so Jon just sighs and climbs up on Rhaegal's back who's feeling too worn down from the cold to put up much of a fight but as he stands up Jon struggles even to keep ontop and he yells "what do I hold onto?" and Dany smiles "whatever you can"
RHAEGAL TAKES FLIGHT AND JON BRICKS IT AND GRASPS ONTO HIS SPINE AS DANY GRINS AND TAKES DROGON OFF AFTER HIM AND EVERYONE IN WINTERFELL DROPS WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO WATCH THEIR KING AND QUEEN FLY DRAGONS OVER AND VARYS, TYRION AND DAVOS JAWS DROP AS THEY SEE JON IS DRAGON RIDING TOO
AND DANY LOOKS BACK WITH A SMILE AS SHE SWOOPS DROGON DOWN OVER THE SNOWY TREETOPS KNOWING HIS BROTHER WILL FOLLOW HIM DOWN AND JON BRICKS IT AS HIS DRAGON TAKES HIM DIVING DOWN OFF THE SIDE OF A CLIFF UNTIL IT CATCHES THE UPDRAFT AND SWOOPS UP JUST BEFORE HITTING THE GROUND TO CATCH UP TO HIS BROTHER AND FOLLOW HIM THROUGH A CANYON AND DANY GIVES JON A WACKY LOOK AS RHAEGAL GOES DOWN TO LAND, [COLOR="Golden Rod"]WTF HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 4 LOOKS REALLY DIFFERENT[/COLOR]
and on the ground with the two dragons huddling their wings up beside each other as they don't like the cold awwww Jon is telling Dany "you've completely ruined horses for me!" which gets a laugh out of her and she looks up at the beauty of the waterfall up there and she offers "we could stay up here a thousand years, no one would ever find us" but Jon reminds her "we'd be pretty old... it's cold up here for a southern girl" so Dany tells her nephew "so keep your Queen warm" and they start making out but then they hear thumping and look up to see Drogon standing up and glaring at his new step-father as if to say don't you go breaking me mums heart now mate being protective of Dany but she assures him "don't be afraid" and smiles as Jon tries to not bottle it and starts making out again but he can't help but glance over his shoulder as Drogon stares at them the entire time making sure he's not going to hurt her, I like how the Dragons are written where they're animals who are territorial and protective of who they think are their own but they don't just act like cute dogs like some fictional animals do they're still lizards and have no problem killing anything they don't consider one of them so they seem super scary
then with Gendry rushing to make, ah it wasn't coal he was bringing in, it was Dragonglass, and he's making spearheads out of it, when he gets called away, bringing an axe he made out of it for The Hound and he tries to brag about his skills but The Hound cuts him off saying "you know who makes weapons for the Wildlings? cripples and cocksuckers, which one are you?" lmaoooo which is a common thing in nomadic tribal societies, gay men who might not be inclined to go hunt or battle have auxillary jobs like that, sometimes being considered a third gender which dumbass SJWs think shows how progressive the noble savages are when in reality it's just that they literally think there is something wrong with them and they can't be real men and figure the Gods must have made a mistake and given them a woman's soul too so it's literally from a belief that there's something wrong with gay people yet liberal retards try to add it to the ever extending LGBT acronym lmao, anyway Arya turns up and tells him to leave him be and they're both shocked and amazed to see her and The Hound growls "I heard you were here... you left me to die..." and Arya reminds him "first I robbed you" and he storms up to her and they both maddog each other and The Hound grumbles "you're a cold little bitch aren't you?" and Arya glares at him and he just shrugs and gives a wee smile saying "guess that's why you're still alive" and walks off and she looks back impressed at how evolved as a person he's become, and almost looks concerned like if a complete badman like him can let go of anger then should an 18 year old girl really be dedicating her life to it, and then she awkwardly tells Gendry his axe was nice and he awkwardly says she looks good and looks around nervously and goes back to work as they chat and he jokes that she's Lady Stark now which she doesn't like but cant help but smile at his goofy jokes and she hands him a diagram she drew of some sort of spear with a detachable head and he asks what it's for but she wont tell and then shows off the Valyrian steel dagger she has and he teases her for being a rich girl and she teases him back saying he wouldn't know and leaves with a smirk
then we see Sansa reading a message when Jon comes to visit her and she breaks him the bad news that Lord Glover has left with his men and Jon quotes him swearing to stand by them but Sansa reminds he said he'd stand behind Jon and it's his fault for giving up the crown he had for like one day and Jon defends they have two armies and two dragons because of him and they cant beat an army of zombies without Dany as Sansa tries to get sassy at him about her but he sighs from raising his voice and gets all insecure she doesn't have faith in him but she assures he does and he promises her Dany is not her father and will be a good Queen and Sansa just jokes shes prettier than her father but then asks seriously if he bent the knee for the North or love and Jon swallows not sure himself
then with Dany and Jorah in the castles library they come across.. Sam! who shits his pants when Dany coughs to rouse him from his research and he fumbles over his words as Dany compliment him for saving Jorah and warmly but also in that concerning smug manner as she is already thinking she has ultimate power tells him she'll make changes to improve the Citadel hinting that he'll be the new archmaester maybe but what Sam asks for is a pardon... for stealing the books lmao, and Dany just grins at the smirking Jorah, but then Sam adds he also stole a sword from his family... House Tarly... and Dany's face freezes as she realizes "not Randyll Tarly?" and Sam asks "you know him?" and Jorah's face drops as he realizes they immolated his fucking father and brother and Dany immediately justifies "I offered to let him retain his lands and titles if he bent the knee... he refused" and Sam looks at Jorah confused and can tell from his expression what happened and he starts tearing up and struggles not to cry and tries to joke "a-at least I'll be allowed home again now that my brother's the lord" but Dany looks super sad at him and awkwardly says "your brother stood with your father" and Sam stands there breathing heavily as if someone just told him his favorite anime was just cancelled trying to hold it together but breaks down crying and forces himself to say "th-thank you Your Grace f-for telling me m-muh-may I-" and she excuses him and he rushes off crying that his new Queen he threw his career away for has murdered his family lmao and he rushes outside sniffling and storms off in anger almost getting hit by a horse and cart rushing by in ye olde traffic accident and he sees Bran, the nicest person there despite being some unemotional demi-god, and asks him what he's doing and Bran says cryptically "waiting for an old friend, it's time to tell Jon the old truth" but Sam tells him it's his brotherly duty but Bran reminds him they're not bothers and he trusts Sam the most
so we cut to Jon in the crypt lighting a candle for Ned's statue when he hears Sam falling down the stairs into the dark crypt lmao and he apologizes for being in his family's sacred place but Jon just hugs him and asks if he was hiding from him or was reading every book in the Citadel but he can tell his old friend is upset about something and worries if it's Gilly and the baby but what Sam has to say is... if he knew Dany executed his father and brother (kind of odd he cares so much since his father was so awful to him but I guess Sam's the kind of softhearted guy to still care about his family even after that) and from Jon's baffled expression he can tell he didn't, and Jon can't even justify it and just says "I'm so sorry" but then adds "we need to end this war" and Sam demands to know "would you have done it" and Jon reminds him he's executed rivals before but Sam reminds him he spared thousands of Wildlings but Jon reminds him "I wasn't a king" and Sam tells him "but you were, you always have been" but Jon storms off insisting he gave up his crown and Sam snaps "I'm not talking about the King of the North I'm talking about the King of the bloody Seven Kingdoms!" and Jon looks super confused as if he's just saying he should be King or something but Sam explains he and Bran figured out that... "YOUR MOTHER... WAS LYANNA STARK... AND YOUR FATHER... YOUR REAL FATHER... WAS RHAEGAR TARGARYEN... YOU'VE NEVER BEEN A BASTARD... YOU'RE AEGON TARGARYEN, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE" and Jon stands there gawking like a fucking dullard and then storms up to Sam staring at him making sure this is for real and not a mistake but when he sees how sure he is he insists "my father was the most honerable man I ever met... you're saying he lied to me all my life?" and Sam assures him Ned was protecting him from Robert since he's "Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, true heir to the Iron Throne... all of it" as he can't even figure out Jon's official titles and he stumbles back unable to comprehend it and he starts breathing heavily as he realizes they're basically doing treason to Dany right now or the other way around or whatever the fuck but Sam points out he gave up his crown for his people and asks if Dany would to the same uh ooooh dramaaaa
then in the extremely dark remains of... some castle? we see... TORMUND AND BERIC ARE STILL ALIVE and they're coming in with the survivors from Eastwatch with swords drawn and they see the place is trashed and there's piles of blood on the floor... but no bodies... and they tentatively see a dark room and Tormund nods to Beric it's his time to shine, literally, and he heads in first and Tormund bigs himself up to face more of his worst nightmares and Beric holds off on triggering his ultimate I guess to be stealthy as they make their way through the insides of this castle that belongs to some House with a sigil that looks like two wrenches when suddenly they hear a banging noise and all the men brick it and take cover and they hear some steps coming so TORMUND HOLLARS A BATTLECRY AND TORMUND TRIGGERS HIS ULTIMATE FLAMESWORD BUT IT'S... EDD AND THE CASTLE BLACK LADS! and Edd yells back to his boys "stay back he's got blue eyes!!!"
and then Edd realizes oh yeah these things don't talk and does a bro-hug to Tormund and sighs in relief and Beric asks "did you find anyone?" and Edd looks worried as he talks them deeper into the castle with Beric lighting the way with his flaming sword, I guess this is maybe the Glover family? no... Beric puts up his sword to illuminate... "THE UMBER BOY" DEAD, STAKED TO THE WALL, SURROUNDED BY A SWIRL OF THE SEVERED LIMBS OF HIS PEOPLE NAILED UP AROUND HIMEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 139 which I guess hints at at least some of the White Walkers used to be human since they understand things like scare tactics and psychological warfare if they do shit like this and it's not for some magic ritual or some shit
oh yeah that's the stuff and Beric warns "it's a message, from the Night King" and Tormund grumbles "his army is between us and Winterfell... we're on foot" and Edd says they can double up on their horses and Tormund says they could make it before the Night King gets to wiTHE LITTLE BOY REANIMATES AND GOES REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AT TORMUND
then in Winterfell we see a man in a hood arriving on horseback... and to everyone around him he's just another refugee... but he gets off to reveal... IT'S JAIME and he looks around amazed how much has changed the last time he was there but then he sees an odd young man in a wheelchair smiling at him and JAIME'S FACE DROPS AS HE REALIZES IT'S BRAN... THE LITTLE BOY HE CRIPPLED 8 YEARS AGO who just stares at him and then... the credits roll? there's like 11 minutes left in my video idk wtf is going on let me skip through this shit, wtf there's like a trailer for the next episode? ok skipping that shit, ok then there's like interviews with DnD explaining the very obvious themes of the episode... right... nice uh DVD extra, then there's some trailer for another show or something of kids running around in the snow and some people seeing glowing in the distance as a voice over talks about Chernobyl, oh I guess it's some tv drama about the Chernobyl disaster, that actually seems interesting, but I ain't got time for watching other shows lmao, anyway thanks for adding 11 minutes of random shit to the end of my torrent that saves me from reviewing 11 minutes of this show, onto the next ep
Game of Thrones 8x02: "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms" The Last Incel special edition
First aired: April 21, 2019
ok after 2 minute long opening animation and Jaime is standing before the whole big crazy court of Jon, Dany and Sansa and Dany's advisers of Jorah, Missy, Varys and Tyrion and Jon's advisers Davos, Lady Mormont, Lord Glover, Lady Karstark and Brie and Dany tells him when she was little her brother would tell her the lovely bed time story of the man who stabbed their father in the back and how one day they'd get their horrible revenge as if he didn't deserve it you dumb thot and also as if she wouldn't have a bit of a more recent beef with Jaime such as, you know, him fucking charging at her with a lance to kill her last time they saw each other lmao, but I think the writers forgot that, and Jaime just stands there trying not to smile as he's heard it aaaaall before from self-righteous dickheads who think he's the bad guy for stopping a mass murderer and then Dany asks wtf is up with the Lannister army being one fucking guy and Jaime reveals Cersei lied to him too and she ain't sending shit but now has Euron's fleet and 20K mercs and Tyrion looks at Dany concerned as Jaime warns Cersei will turn on any survivors and swears he intends to fight for the living and Tyrion can tell Dany is thinking of killing him and he vouches for his brother but Dany calls him out on being wrong about Cersei and thinks this is a play to kill her knowing Tyrion will defend him like the dumbass he has become from shit writing and Sansa... agrees, reminding everyone Jaime attacked her father on the street and tried to destroy their House, and Jamie reminds them they were at war and he was defending his family and would do it all again and Bran quips "the things we do for love" and Jaime looks at him super shook remembering he knows he fucks his sister lmao (and in fact has probably watched it while astral projecting (while talking Sansa into "testing" his dick while he pretends he can't feel anything))
and Dany asks why the turn of heart and he looks at Brie and says "this goes beyond loyalty, this is about survival" and Brie stands up and vouches that Jaime is indeed honerable, telling her that even though he was her captor, when they both got captured Jaime gave his hand to protect her from rape, and being a rape victim herself Dany can appreciate that, and Brie reminds her Lady Sansa that she couldn't have saved her from the Bolton's if Jaime hadn't armed and armored her to send her on a mission all to also keep an oath to Cat, and Sansa decides if Brie would fight along side him then that's good enough for them, and Dany looks pissed at Sansa flip flopping on her already, and asks Jon his opinion, who even though this is the man who crippled his little brother for life, he bottles it up and says they need every man they can get, and Jaime looks expectantly at Dany... who says very well, and Tyrion sighs super shook expecting all these people Jaime has wronged so personally to have his only real family left killed but Grey Worm steps forward and gives Jaime his sword back but maddogs him as he takes it as if to warn him he better be ready to die if he wants to do anything to Dany, and Jaime says "thank you Your Grace" and Danny gives Jon a concerned look but he rushes off super anxious spilling spaghetti everywhere as Jaime and Brie share a furtive look that he transfers to the knowing Bran, that was a good scene since it was the pay-off to like 4 different storylines of all the people Jaime fucked over, but his one good deed with Brie 5 years later finally bore fruit and saved him from his previous sins of Kingslaying, boy crippling and Ned assaulting which is a very sweet idea that even if it might really fuck you over in the moment maybe doing the right thing can still pay off eventually even for someone as formally arrogant and ruthless as Jaime, although uh Sansa is right Jaime just turning up to fight for them is not exactly the best he could do to help he could, you know, stab his sister or something, or at least commandeer some troops that must be more loyal to him for actually leading them than for the woman who very obviously murdered half the important people left in Westeros
then in the hallway Dany is ranting at Tyrion for being either a traitor or a fool for believing Cersei and starts snarling about how she'll find another Hand who can get her that throne and he tells Varys and Jorah they'll probably get the badge before this is all over and then we see Gendry rushing to bring over piles of dragonglass for his men to forge into weapons for everyone... so uh... wtf is the plan here? they literally just 1v1 the army of the dead lmao? not going to do something non-retarded like get wildfire bombs on catapults or specifically target the Night King for assassination since he's presumably the lynchpin? anyway then Arya shows up and banters about her weapon but Gendry says he's got a thousand axes to make and they have playful bickering about it but Gendry gets serious and says it's safer in the crypt and Arya gives him snark about how she's more of a fighter than him but he tells her he's fought the dead before and she asks how many and he admits "a few... thats enough" and being tactically minded she asks for intel as to what they're like and she says grimly "really bad" and she mocks "really bad? even a smith's apprentice can do better than really bad, what do they look like, what do they smell like, how do they move, how hard are they to kill?" and Gendry snaps "look I know you want to fight and you're not scared of rapers or murderers but this is different... this is DEATH, you want to know what they're like? death, that's what they're like" and Arya just starts throwing spear tips like throwing knives across the room beside a guy working away and he looks around like wtf and then rushes off gasping lmao poor NPC and Arya lectures him "I know Death... he's got many faces... I look forward to seeing this one" and Gendry smiles as she puts three dragonglass spear heads into a post across the room and promises he'll get her the weapon soo
then under the holy white tree Jaime finds Bran and awkwardly comes up to him, and I just noticed in the light he's dyed his hair black to hide his famously blonde appearance, and he says "I'm sorry for what I did to you" but Bran reminds him "you weren't sorry then... you were protecting your family" and he assures him "I'm not that person anymore" but Bran is woke to cause and effect and points out "you still would be, if you hadn't pushed me out of that window, and I would still be Brandon Stark" and Jaime confused asks "you're not?" and Bran says almost forlornly like mourning his past self "no, I'm something else now" and Jaime, not bothering to ask him WTF does that fucking mean since he doesn't know anything about his powers and who know how he'd take that line, realizes "you're not angry with me?" and Bran says "I'm not angry at anyone" and Jaime asks "why... didn't you tell them?" oh yeah Jon doesn't even know lol and Bran explains "you wouldn't be able to help us in this fight if I let them murder you first" I guess Jaime was referring to the meeting they just had and not as a little boy when he was just naively trying to keep his family safe by not starting a war with the Lannisters then and there and Jaime nods in understanding how wise this kid is but then asks "what about afterwards?" and Bran warns "how do you know there is an afterwards?" and Jaime looks shook as he realizes this kid is hinting he'll be dead soon, kinda reminds me of Endgame where Dr. Strange knows what'll happen but can't tell Tony or it'll change the outcome
then in Winterfell we see all the serfs hard at work preparing the defences and supplies and Tyrion walks around as intense foreboding music plays but then he finds Jaime in the crowd and they banter as some guards watching them from above spit on the ground as they are both notorious Kingslayers who now both betrayed their families everyone tells horror stories about even though they're both good guys and Jaime asks how popular Dany is and Tyrion says they're scared of Targs with dragons for obvious reasons and Jaime asks if she's really different from her family and he assures her she really is but Jaime points out she doesn't seem to even trust him and Tyrion admits Cersei played him by saying the pregnancy was making her hope for a new start with Jaime and he asks "was she lying about the baby too?" but Jaime looks down with the weight on his shoulders saying "no, that part is true, she's always been good at using the truth to tell lies, don't be hard on yourself she's fooled me more than anybody" but Tyrion gives him a condescending look and points out "shes never fooled you, you always knew exactly what she was, and you loved her anyway" and Jaime looks concerned as he knows he's right and he just has absolutely terrible taste in women yeah I can relate brother, and Tyrion looks out at all the workers from a walkway and laments "so... we're going to die at Winterfell" and tells his old one-liner about dying as an old man with wine and "a girls mouth around your cock" Jaime finishes for him and Tyrion looks up smiling and adds "at least Cersei won't get to murder me, I'm sure I'll take a little bit of pleasure in denying her that... as I'm being ripped apart by dead men" and Jaime gets distracted by something and wanders off as Tyrion ponders "maybe once I'm dead... I'll march down to King's Landing and tear her apart!" with a glint in his eye as he finds a silver lining in even this situation but then he notices Jaime is staring off outside and goes to see him watch Brie seemingly overseeing men being trained
so Jaime goes down there and sees Grey Worm overseeing the construction of pitfall traps and I also noted on the edge of the castle they've put spikes made of dragonglass to fuck up any zombies that try to climb over which is a good touch and Jaime finds Pod who is now quite the badass after 4 years of sword training with Brie now training another young man and Jaime comes up to Brie and they politely train each other as they watch Pod effortlessly controlling his opponent with one arm but Brie just says he's eh alright and they talk about how she's in command of the left flank since she figures if they stay in formation the terrain can help beat them back and Jaime plays along saying she's right but Brie snaps that he's up to something insisting "we've never had a conversation this long without you insulting me, not once!" which is an interesting touch that she's so used to people insulting her that's probably why she was always busting Pod's balls because she finally had a chance to look down on someone else after a lifetime of people disrespecting her since even though she's the most honerable person around even she falls into the trap of hurting others the way you get hurt which is basically all negative human behaviour is and Jaime snaps "you want me to insult you?" and she snaps "no!" and he snaps "good!" like this is some tsundere anime shit and he forces himself to admit "I came back to Winterfell... because I'm not the fighter I used to be... but I'd be honored to serve under your command if you'd have me" and she glares at him waiting for some ruse to come out but then realizes he's serious and awkwardly says "I better get back" and goes back to work as he stands there looking sad and JUSTed
then with Dany Jorah comes to meet his oneitis and she asks "have you done something to offend me?" waiting for more BS and they talk about her forgiving him and he admits Tyrion being Hand broke his heart and she explains she thought he was doomed but he says she made the right choice despite how he doesn't even like him and wanted to throw him in the sea when they travelled together lmao but his point is Tyrion is the right man for the job but Dany isn't taking it but Jorah says he needs forgiveness and Dany cant believe he's vouching for the man who stole his position as top adviser and he adds one more piece of advise... and we see Dany going to speak to Sansa, who's wearing an almost S&M style fashy black uniform
and doing battle plans with Lord Glover, and Dany does the "leave us" meme to him as I guess Jorah's piece of advise was make friends with Sansa, and as he goes to leave he bows to her, and Dany gives him a sus look as she can tell he's the type to flipflop, but then starts memeing at Sansa about almost being on her side but Sansa explains Brie would give her life for her and vouches for Tyrion as a good man too but Dany says he has to be intelligent and ruthless when he had to be and is a brainlet for trusting Cersei and Sansa adds "you shouldn't have either" and Dany cringes as she tries to control herself from thinking about killing this ginger thot and tries to be friendly to her instead about how complicated their families are, oh if only she knew, and she sits down and tries to find common ground that they also know what it's like to rule people not inclined to follow a woman but succeeding anyway and she smiles as she does get that but Dany cant keep pushing saying she feels they're at odds and Sansa tries to explain but Dany already knows "your brother" and Sansa points out "men do stupid things for women, they're easily manipulated" #pinkpilled and Dany gets uncomfortable as she realizes all the success she has just because men want to orbit her and starts trying to big herself up saying her only goal is to get the throne back from the people who destroyed her family and almost destroyed hers... until she met Jon, and is now half the world away fighting his war, proposing he manipulated her if anything, and giving Sansa and goofy smile and Sansa just chuckles and admits she should be thanking her and Dany takes her hand and assures her "I'm here because I love your brother, I trust him and know he's true to his word, he's the second man in my life I can say that about" and Sansa asks "who's the first?" and Dany tells her "SOMEONE TALLER" LMAOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MANLETS ON SUICIDE WATCH and they laugh together at how short men are subhuman
I guess the first is actually Jorah, but Sansa asks what happens after they defeat the dead and Cersei, and Dany just says "I take the Iron Throne" like it's obvious, but Sansa insist "what about the North?" ranting about how they took their freedom and decided to never give it back, and Dany takes her hand off of hers realizing they might connect personally but are still in political positions to be enemies, but then the maester comes in with news and Dany and Sansa come to see... THEON is here, with a load of men behind him, and he kneels down to Dany and explains Yara is going to retake the Iron Islands for her, and Dany asks confused why he isn't there, and he says "I'd like to fight for Winterfell... Lady Sansa, if you'd have me" and she is overjoyed he's still loyal to their family and rushes to hug him and Theon holds her tight and cries... as he's finally home, his real home, awwwwww
then outside the crowd is getting bigger and bigger as if these are all the normie plebs tuning in just to see the final season and all the refugees are getting food from Davos and one man begs him "my Lord, we're not soldiers" but he tells them "you are now... look, I lived most my life nowhere near a fight, but I survived the Battle of the Bastards right outside these walls, if I can live through that you can live through this... they'll outfit you with weapons at the forge, right that way" and the man steels himself and nods his thanks, and then we see Gilly, who's put on a bit of weight presumably the in-universe reason for this being living with fatass Sam and eating meals with him lmao, telling an old lady that the safest place is in the crypt, and they give their thanks and stumble over there, and a little girl asks Davos "which way should I go?" holding out her bowl and Davos recoils as... she has a burn on her face, just like the princesses greyscale, and he asks "which way do you want to go?" and she says the children hide but she wants to fight with her brothers, so he takes her bowl and Gilly sits down and talks her into going into the crypt with her and her son but to protect them and Davos plays along and the little girl smiles that they trust her and she announces "alright, I'll defend the crypt then!" and goes off and Davos smiles at how Gilly is clearly very good with kids, but then a horn blows and Jon comes rushing out to see... Edd is back, and he hugs Sam and Jon rushes up but TORMUND GRABS JON and growls "heheheh my little crow!" and Jon says "I thought we lost you!" and hugs Edd and shakes Beric's hand, now a brother in arms forever, and asks Edd how they found each other and they explain the dead are already at the last harth and Jon asks "the Umbers?" and Beric cringes "fighting for the Night King now" and Tormund explains "we had to ride around them, whoever's not here now... is with them" and Jon asks "how long do we have?" and Tormund tells them "BEFORE THE SON COMES UP TOMORROW" and everyone looks around shook but Tormund just wants to know "the big woman still here?" so he can get one last great end away before he dies
then we see armored serfs rushing around getting their dragonglass weapons as Jon gives a speech "they're coming... we have dragonglass... and Valaryian steel... but there are too many of them, far too many" as we see catapults being tested and men taking bows and Jon goes on "our enemy doesn't tire... doesn't stop... doesn't feel... we can't beat them in a straight fight" and we see around a battle map the entire remaining hero side of Jon, Sansa, Tyrion, Jorah Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Missy hiding under the frame, Lord Glover, Lady Mormont, Davos, Tormund, Beric, Jaime, Brie, Lady Karstark, Theon, Sam, Arya and Bran sitting in the corner in his chair lmao are around Jon's battlemap (are they really staging this epic final battle in Winterfell? wouldn't it be better to take it away from where all the fucking civilians are? like maybe The Vale where they have those "bloody gates" or whatever where you can filter the zombies in almost single file and shove them off the mountain and shit?), think the only characters missing are Gendry and The Hound since they're not so tactically minded and are busy arming everyone up and Jaime asks "so what can we do?" and Jon explains "the Night King made them all, they follow his command, if he falls... getting to him may be our best chance" but Jaime knows "if that's true he'll never expose himself" but Bran announces "yes he will" and everyone turns to the cripple boy who tells them "he'll come for me, he's tried before many times with many three-eyed ravens" ok I'm sensing the meme here is that like how Beric seems to actually be the Chosen One of the Red Lady's Lord of Light, or perhaps Dany is, the Three-Eyed Ravens are probably the Chosen One's of the Old Gods which is how they can use their holy trees for their powers... but that means that maybe the Night King is the Chosen One of the Dark God the Red Lady's religion is against... and Sam just asks "...why? what does he want" and Bran warns "an endless night, he wants to erase this world and it's memory" so wait how does Bran know this? and what does this even mean? the Night King wants to kill 3ERs because they... r-remember stuff about the world of men? why does that matter if he's going to kill all men? are you sure it's not to turn 3ERs into White Walkers and use their powers or anything like that that might make sense? and Sam figures "well that's what death is isn't it? ...forgetting... being forgotten, if we forget where we've been and what we've done... we're not men anymore, just animals, your memories dont come from books, your stories aren't just stories... if I wanted to erase the world of men I'd start with you" (so does that mean the NKs second stop is the library Sam used to work in rofl?) and looks around as everyone remembers their own trials and tribulations
and Tyrion asks "how will he find you?" and Bran reveals "his mark is on me, he always knows where I am" and everyone tenses up and Jon promises to put him in the crypt but Bran says "no, we need to lure him into the open before his army destroys us all, I'll wait for him in the godswood" and Sansa realizes "you want us to use you as bait?" but Arya refuses "we're not leaving you alone out there" and Theon promises "he wont be, we'll stay with him, with the Ironborn" and Sansa looks proud at him as Theon swears to Bran "I took this castle from you, and I defend you now" and they nod to each other in respect (is this seriously going to come down to fucking THEON 1v1ing the Night King lmao? inb4 the Night King tries to kick him in the balls, triggering his trap card, and Theon saves the world by kicking him so hard in his own balls they crack since they're made of ice) and Davos says "we'll hold them off for as long as we can" and Tyrion says "when the time comes Ser Davos and I will be on the walls, we'll give you the signal to light the trench" but Dany declares "Ser Davos is perfectly capable of waving a torch on his own... you'll be in the crypt" ah I thought she was gonna force him to fight lis and he inists "Your Grace I have fought before and I can do it again, the men and women risking their lives-" but Dany tells him "there are thousands of them and only one of you, you can't fight as well as they can but you can think better than any of them, you're here because of your mind, if we survive, I'll need it" and just smiles knowing shes right and Jorah smiles knowing he's saved the little pricks life and Tyrion just gives in and nods and Davos goes on "the dragons should give us an edge in the field" but Jon says "if they're in the field they're not protecting Bran, we need to be near him, not too near of the Night King wont come... but close enough to persue him when he comes" and Arya asks Bran "dragon fire will stop him?" who admits "I DON'T KNOW... NO ONES EVER TRIED" yeah almost like you shoulda tested it last season lul and he just looks at Dany and everyone looks around super shook but Tormund just announces "we're all going to die...... but at least we die together" and gives Brie a cheeky grin who just frowns and Jon says "lets get some rest" and everyone clears out and Jon awkwardly doesnt even look at Dany and rushes out and she's like wtf talk about pumping and dumping and Tyrion just looks over at Bran sitting alone in this empty room and asks "do you need any help?" and Bran says "no" as he stares off into the distance calculating timelines like some Dr. Strange shit and Tyrion points out "you've had a strange journey" and Bran agrees "stranger than most" and Tyrion pulls up a chair saying "I'd like to hear about it" and Bran warns "it's a long story" and Tyrion quips "if only we were trapped in a castle... in the middle of winter... with nowhere to go" and smiles
then we see Grey Worm outside inspecting his men upgrading their spears to dragonglass and Missy comes out awkwardly trying to talk to the civilians but a woman takes her daughter away from her, which is probably "period accurate", I remember reading about Harridans wall and there was an African man conscripted into the Roman army who got posted all the way there and when a general was inspecting it he saw this dude and demanded that this man of "foreboding complexion" be removed from his sight since he thought the guy was possessed or some shit to look like that and it was freaking him out and the black man was quoted as saying "won a few battles and thinks hes emperor" as he was escorted away lmao so quick witted black people have been dabbing on uptight whitey with snippy comebacks for at least 2000 years also this dude was who one of the knights of the round table was based on lmao so the UK has been BLACKED for millennia and Grey Worm comes up and realizes "when Danearys takes her throne, there will be no place for us here, I am loyal to my Queen, I will fight for her until her enemies are defeated, but when the war is over and she has won, do you want to grow old in this place? is there nothing else you want to do? nothing else you want to see?" and Missy admits "Naarth, I'd like to see the beaches again" and Grey Worm promises "I will take us there" but she says "our people are peaceful, we cannot protect ourselves" and he just smiles saying "my people are not peaceful, we will protect you" and she smiles knowing her boyfriend is the deadliest man in the world
then the camera pans up to Jon, Sam and GHOST! has come back with the Castle Black boys I guess and they chat about telling Dany the whole epic twist but Edd interrupts them and quips "and now our watch begins" as here the three of them are again, ontop of a frozen wall staring out into a snowstorm waiting for god knows what to attack it, and Jon makes sure Gilly and lil Sam are in the crypt, and Sam tears up as he offers for him to join them but Sam looks offended and reminds him "everyone seems to forget I was the first man to kill a White Walker! I've killed Thenns!" and Edd corrects "Thenn" and he keeps going "I've protected Gilly more than once, stole countless books from the Citadel library, survived the Fist of the First Men, you need me out there!" and Edd quips "well if that's what it's come to we really are fucked!" and Sam fires back "well calling you fucked wouldn't be strictly accurate" as he's finally the one taunting him for not getting laid and Edd looks around bewildered as Jon laughs at him and he cant believe it "Samwell Tarly... slayer of White Walker... lover of ladies... as if we needed anymore signs the world is ending!" and Sam reminisces "think back to where we started... us... Gren... Pyp..." and Jon realizes "now it's just us three" and Edd quotes himself "last man left, burn the rest of us" and Sam cringes realizing they probably wont even get that chance as they stare out at the mountains
then back with Tyrion sitting by the fire but now drinking with Jaime Tyrion surprisingly says "I wish father were here" and Jaime looks confused as Tyrion jokes "I'd love to see the look on his face as he realizes his two sons are about to die defending Winterfell!" and Jaime cant help but let a laugh out and says "that would be something to see" as they watch the flames and Tyrion reminisces about the last time they were last there and it was so simple with Jaime the golden lion and him the drunken whoremonger "it was all so simple" but Jaime calls him out "it wasn't so simple, I was sleeping with my sister and you had one friend in the world... who was sleeping with his sister!" and Tyrion explains "I was speaking in relative terms" and asks if he misses it, which he does, and says his golden lion days are done but he can still whoremonger, but Tyrion says he can't and raises a glass to "the perils of self-betterment" and then suddenly Brie and Pod barge in and they apologize to each other and she says "we were just looking for somewhere-" and Tyrion talks over her finishing "to contemplate your imminent death? you've come to the right place" and offers his old squire some wine but Brie snaps "I don't think that's wise... the battle might start at any moment... half a cup!" like she's his mother and Tyrion offers Brie some but she says she needs sleep but Jaime points out no-ones sleeping tonight so takes just a bit and sits down by the chair he offers and then Davos joins the party needing some fire saying he ain't dying with his balls freezing off and Tormund comes in looking shifty as we know what he's there for and he tries his luck with Brie saying "this could be our last night in this world you know......" and Brie, expecting to be sexually harassed, glares at him and awkwardly says "yes well I'm glad you're here... here fighting with us, glad you survived Eastwatch!" and Tyrion tries to clam him down with a drink but he's brought his own and he Tormund starts on Jaime "they call you King Killer!" and Jaime tries to hide his smirk saying "I'm sure someone does" and Tormund fires back "they call me Giantsbane! want to know why?" and pulls up a chair as everyone rolls their eyes at each other lmao and Tormund claims "I killed a giant when I was 10... then I climbed right into bed with his wife..." and everyone looks at each other raising their eyebrows at this obvious lie and he goes on "and when she woke up, you know what she did? ...suckled me at her teet, or three months! thought I was a baby... that's how I got so strong! giants milk!" and Brie just stares at him like what... the... fuck... as Tormund downs his drink spilling alcohol all over himself and everyone looks around like uhhhhhh and Davos just sighs "maybe I will have that drink" rofl
then outside on the castle walls poor The Hound is drinking by himself when... Arya comes up and stares at him, and he offers her a drink and she takes it, a habit he got her on 4 years ago, and she sips beside hi and they just sit in silence and The Hound sighs "you used to never shut up now you're just sitting there like a mute?" and Arya says "....................guess I've changed..................... what are you doing up here?" meaning Winterfell and his whole crazy journey and why he's loyal to anyone and The Hound reminds her "I fought for you didn't I?" as ol Beric comes up and The Hound sighs "oh for fuck's sake! might as well be at a bloody wedding" and Beric apologizes for parting ways badly with Arya and The Hound asks "he on your list?" and Arya admits "for a little while" and Beric sits down saying "that's allright, the Lord of Light has brought us together all the same... this is his moment, when the Lord of L-" but The Hound snaps "Thoros isn't here anymore! so I hope you're not about to give a seremon! because if I you are the Lord of Light's going to be wondering why he brought you back 19 times just to watch you die when I chuck you over this FUCKING WALL!" hahahahaha and Beric just smiles and puts out his hand for the wine and The Hound smiles at him throwing his flask to him with this dude who he fought through hell with and is going back in with and Arya leaves saying "I'm not spending my last hours with you two miserable old shits" rofllllll leaving the two odd couple to pass the wine back and fourth
and we see Arya practising her archery for old time sake like she used to do as a little girl when... Gendry shows up, with her detachable spear device that I suppose may be spring loaded or something, and she twirls it around saying "this'll work" moving it a bit too past Gendry for comfort as he jokes about how he really did end up in Winterfell like she asks but she just asks what the Red Lady wanted with him and he gets uncomfortable and sums it up that she wanted his blood for a spell and admits "I'm Robert Baratheon's bastard, didn't know until she told me, she tied me up, stripped me down, put leaches all over me" and Arya can tell more than that happened "was that your first time?" and a slightly traumatized Gendry clapsback "yeah I'd never had leaches put all over me before" but Arya clarifies "your first time with a woman" and he flounders to deny but she just wants to know if he's still a virgin and he spills spaghetti and says that he wasn't and she asks how many and he says "I didn't keep count!" but she knows "yes you did" so he admit "ugh... three" and Arya goes up and tells him "we're probably going to die soon... I ought to know what it's like before that happens" and looks at him expectantly and he just goes "Arya I..." and Arya cant wait anylonger for him to make the first move so ARYA KISSES GENDRY and he likes it so she keeps going and rushes to get his jacket off and he rusehs to undress her too as they almost fight to tear each others clothes off and she shoves him back on some sacks of grain as she takes her top off and Gendry looks a bit worried at the scars on her side but she promises "I'm not the Red Woman... take your own bloody pants off" which is actually really sweet and considerate that she understands the last time he had sex he was assaulted during it so is going to have some security and trust issues and even though she's the assertive one there knwos how to make him comfortable awww and then WE SEE ARYA STRIP NAKED W-WAIT HOW OLD IS THIS ACTRESS UHHHHH OH SHE'S 25 OK ITS FINE ITS FINE and Gendry rushes to get his dick out and stares in amazement at this woman who he met as a little crossdressing girl gets on top of him and starts making love, christ I bet the shippers who have been saying he is fated to be Arya's true love since they met in season fucking 2 are overjoyed since they never even met again after season 3 lmao but some fans just wont drop something and made all these dumbass youtube videos about that time Rob said him and Ned's kids should marry, clearly talking about Joffrey and Sansa since he didn't even know Gendry existed but their mental theories finally paid off also I read some retarded SJW article that this scene was jarring for "many viewers" aka 5 retards on twitter because Arya's sexuality and "gender identity" was ambigious, since as we all know if a woman likes to fight that means she is actually a man and this is a very progressive and not extremely sexist and backwards way of thinking even though they are going against their own autistic bullshit since Arya having sex with a man has nothing to do with her gender identity and she could identify as a gay man for all they know so uh suck on it and let them get some action before they die
then with a more glum looking Tormund, Brie, Jaime, Davos, Tyrion and Pod all staring into the fire as if hoping for a sign and Tyrion goes on "it's strange isn't it... almost everyone here has fought the Starks... at one time or another... and here we are in their castle... ready to defend it... together" and Brie points out "at least we'll die with honor" and Pod and Jaime both look admiringly at her and Tyrion says "I think we might live" but DAVOS BURSTS OUT LAUGHING and Tyrion swears "I really do! how many battles have we survived between us? Ser Davos Seaworth, survivor of both the Blackwater and Battle of the Bastards" and Davos admits "all without a shred of combat ability" (you'd think he wouldn't reply with a joke to the dude who almost killed him in that first battle... and killed his fucking son lmao, but I think the writers forgot that too) which Tormund attests to with an embarassed grunt and he goes on "Ser Jaime Lannister! fabled hero of the siege of Pyke!" but Jaime adds "fabled LOSER of the Battle of Whispering Wood" which Tyrion cheers to and goes on "Ser Brienne of Tarth, defeated The Hound... pardon me, Lady Brienne" and Tormund cant believe "you're not a Ser?! you're not the knight?!" and Brie explains "women can't be knights" pretending not to mind but Tormund just slurs "why not?" and she says "tradition" and Tormund announces "fuck tradition!" as people do whatever they feel like where he's from but Brie claims "I don't even want to be a knight" and looks at Pod staring at her as she knows he knows she's lying and Tormund goes on "I'm no King but if I were... I'd knight you ten times over!" and Jaime remembers "you don't need a King... any knight can make another knight..." and looks furtively at her and slams his cup down saying "I'll prove it!" and takes his sword out with a shiiiiing and tells her "kneel, Lady Brienne" and she scoffs still worried it's a prank against her but he insists "do you want to be a knight or not?" and she realizes he's serious and he goes "kneel" and she looks at Pod who smiles a tiny bit and nods a tiny bit and Jaime nods to her and she instantly stands up and sad music comes on as Brie's impossible dream is coming true and everyone gets up to watch... as Brie, a bit drunk, wobbles over to Jaime... and kneels down... and Jaime puts Widow's Wail on her shoulder and announces "in the name of The Warrior... I charge you to be brave... in the name of The Father... I charge you to be just... in the name of The Mother... I charge you to defend the innocent...
arise Brienne of Tarth... A KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS" as he taps both her shoulders and she stands up overjoyed with pride as Tormund breaks out in aplause and Davos joins in tapping his thigh as he can't really clap with his missing fingers on one hand lmao and Pod claps and Tyrion raises his wine to "Brienne of Tarh! Knight of the Seven Kingdoms!" and they all smile as Jaime nods to her and she gets a huge goofy grin like a little girl whos dream came true as her eyes tear up as she finally lets herself be proud of herself and accept praise from others after accepting she'll always be disrespected her whole life so it's best to just put up with it and not get her hopes up or show her feelings PATRIARCHY STATUS: SMASHED, also I misread some spoilers I saw retards talking about openly in this ep and thought they were talking about Jaime and Brie having sex which would have been appropriate but I guess Brie is still a virgin, which leaves her as the last incel standing since Varys doesn't really count since he seems to be asexual and hell even Greyworm eats pussy every night
then Sam arrives to find lil Lady Mormont arguing with, lmao, her cousin Jorah begging her not to fight as she's the future of their House, as some Knights of the Vale march by behind her joining the other armies, but Lady Mormont is wearing the exact same armor he is and insists "I will not fight underground, I pledged to fight for the North, and I will fight" so Jorah just gives up and they both look over to see Sam lurking and spunky lil Lady Mormont says "it's alright, we're done here" and marches off but turns back and smiles saying "I wish you good fortune... cousin" and he smiles at how brave his little cousin he's only just met is probably reminding him of his father, that was a sweet scene and I'm glad the two Mormonts got to finally meet, and he bows saying "thank you my lady" as she nods and goes on with her men who all nod in genuine respect that this like 12 year old girl is ready to ride and/or die for them
and Sam is carrying his father's sword Heartsbane and talks about how he'd love to defend what's left of his family with it... but he can't even hold it upright, and since Jorah's father taught him how to be a man and do what's right, he knows this is right... and explains it's Valaryan steel, hopefully he understands that that can fuck up White Walkers, and gives it to Jorah, who admires the blade and says "I'll wield it in his memory... to guard the realms of men" as he smiles knowing his father's good deeds are going to protect him one last time and Sam tries to tell him "I'll see you when it's through" and they both nervously nod to each other knowing probably not and Sam seriously adds "I hope we win" and walks off having given Jorah his sword for the big battle, I guess him and Jamie and Brie and maybe Arya with the dagger are the only ones using their own weapons and not Gendry's dragonglass weapons
then back with Jaime and the crew Tyrion is insisting they drink more but Davos points out they're out so he proposes a song but everyone is super drunk and tired and Davos assures him if he sings he'll "beg for a quick death" and he asks the now "Ser Brienne?" who shakes her head and he tries Tormund who just growls at him insecure so.. POD STARTS SINGING, AND IT'S GREAT, THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN BASED POD IS BACK BEING PERFECT AT WHATEVER HE TRIES FOR THE FIRST TIME and everyone is impressed by his beautiful song about a woman seeing ghosts of all her loved ones
as we see Gilly and lil Sam who is now like 4 years old sleeping beside Sam, the man who saved her from her abusive father and saved her baby from becoming a monster, who looks over them protectively, the crowd of refugees outside getting their last meal in with Sansa chatting to Theon, the man who saved her from her serial killer rapist who mutilated his mind and body, and she looks lovingly at him but also sad knowing they could never have a family together, ok that one actually got me emotional from all they've been through together, see I told you that rape scene with Sansa was appropriate
and Gendry, the last Baratheon standing and arguably more right to be King than anyone else rofl, sleeping beside Arya who stares off in anxiety, wondering if turning herself into a murderer will be enough to save her family, and outside Grey Worm passionately kisses Missy goodbye, the woman who accepted him despite his everything that was taken from him because they both understand suffering slavery, as he falls in with his Unsullied brothers
and we see Jorah riding to the frontline to make sure there's still time, and in the crypt Jon is standing by Ned's statue... when Dany comes walking down... and asks "who's that?" lmao, and Jon says "Lyanna Stark......." and Dany says "my brother Rhaegar, everyone told me he was decent and kind, he liked to sing, gave money to poor children... and he raped her" but Jon tells her "he didn't... he loved her" and turns to tell her "they were married in secret, the day Rhaegar fell at The Tirdent she had a son... Robert would have murdered the baby if he found out and Lyanna knew it, so the last thing she did... as she bled to death on her birthing bed, was give the baby to her brother, Ned Stark, to raise as his bastard... my name... my real name... IS AEGON TARGARYAN" and Dany is like "that's impossible" and Jon explains Bran "saw it" and assures her Sam confirmed it but Dany aint buying "a secret no one in the world knew except your brother and best friend? doesn't seem strange to you?" but Jon knows it in his bones "it's true Dany, I know it is" and Dany tells him "if it were true it would make you the last MALE hair to house Targeryen, you'd have a claim to the Iron Throne" and stares at him like she doesn't want to decide to kill him... but she will if she has to... but then... A HORN BLOWS also there was a moment there where Dany looks right at the camera lmao nice acting thot
and Dany and Jon rush to the castle walls as the horn goes fucking apeshit and Tyrion is already up there and they hear extremely noisy marching as this banging and scraping sound effect starts up and the ticking clock from Dunkirk sounds up as Jon nods to Dany that it's rock and roll time and super intense scary music starts up as Tyrion tries his hardest to steel himself as he looks out to see as the camera pulls back from Winterfell... a rotten zombie horse hoof settling on the snow... THAT A WHITE WALKER IS RIDING... AND ANOTHER WHITE WALKER RIDES UP BEHIND HIM... JOINING HIM IN A ROW OF HUNDREDS OF WHITE WALKERS!!!
and we cut to black as some woman starts singing Podrick's song, I really wish I'd realized that the White Walkers were just the blue dudes and the zombies were just called wytes or "the dead" and not White Walkers too but oh well I aint going back to change all those terms lmao shoulda made it clear in the show, but that was a good episode, maybe a bit slow for people watching week to week but it was really good to check in with all the characters before it all kicks off next episode... oh g-d I know it's gonna be some crazy shit, I went full "a new Avengers movie is coming out" protocol and signed off of everything and avoided all the websites I usually go on to dodge spoilers after I kept seeing YOU WONT FUCKING BELIEVE WHO DIED LAST NIGHT AT THE BATTLE OF WINTERFELL in all the clickbait sites around the internet, here we fucking go!
Game of Thrones 8x03: "The Long Night" I'd say Left 4 Dead 3 but it doesn't exist Gabe you fat fuck you're almost as lazy as GRRM special edition
First aired: April 28, 2019
oh god this episode is 92 minutes long there are literally movies shorter than this... uuugghhghg me olddd chuuuuummm uuughhhhhhhh I can't take the tention ooooooohhhhhhhh myyyyy baaaaabyyyyyyyyyyy ok here we go, HBO logo, intro animation I'm skipping, written by DnD, directed by some dude who better be good... we open on Sam nervously wringing his hands as he gets handed some dragonglass weapons and men march all around him and some dude with a scarred face tells him "move!" and he rushes outside... hang on I'm gonna turn my lights in my bedroom off for this... and Sam sees everyone rushing to get the civvies in the crypt... and he flinches as lil Lady Mormont orders her men "come on! help the lads!" as they rush to get the civvies away, and he passes Tyrion, oh its one long shot time, who walks through the courtyard as this throbbing soundtrack plays as his face trips him as he gets as serious as he ever gets, passing by a bunch of men in armor, and he gets a backpack and sees Bran being wheeled out by Tyrion, some Ironborn archers and a concerned looking Lady Karstark who isn't too sure why the fuck they're bringing a fucking crippled teenager in a fucking wheelchair into the worst war the world has ever seen, sorry, you aint making it out of here alive, you ain't main character love
and he looks on worried about Bran, but oh we get a cut, would have been dank to show literally the entire cast around the set of this castle, and we pan up over the walls into the night sky over the broken tower, and we find the men on the wall fidgeting with their bows and breathing heavy as Davos walks by giving them all their arrows, and on the other side of the same wall Sansa stares out with Arya, and they hear a roaring and look up, but this time not scared, but glad, to see Drogon and his brother flying overhead, and out front the entire Unsullied army falls into position, and in front of them are the catapults, and in front of them are the Dothraki hoard (who for some fucking reason still have their sickles and aren't armed with dragonglass blades), who even they are getting nervous, having never faced literal monsters before, and in front of them are the Northern armies of all the remaining Houses soldiers, the Knights of the Vale, even the female civilians have been given armor, and Pod, Brie and Jaime stand with them, with Grey Worm at the head of his army.... and Beric stands by Tormund in front of his army of the Wildlings, and The Hound steps forward taking his place beside them with Gendry with him and Edd there too and then Sam finally finds his fatass way to the front of the line... why the fuck is Sam there? he can't fight and is too smart to risk for zombie fodder, maybe his fat ass can't fit in the tunnels or something... and Edd cant help but say "oh for fuck sake, you took your time!" for our first line of the episode, almost as if he's talking to GRRM lmao since he hasn't gotten the finale of his book done in like 18 fucking years but we're already here in the show
and we pan up to see... the four fucking armies outside Winterfell... all ready to fight and die for Jon and Dany... and even the horses can sense some bad shit is about to go down and are stomping nervously... and Ghost, the last direwolf standing, sits beside Jorah, both breathing hard as they stare into the darkness together, different species but both knowing this is the fight of their lives... and the camera zooms in on the darkness... and the wind blows... and Jorah's eyes tear up... and he steels himself for his love... and the camera zooms in on the darkness... and we see Jon walking through the snow by the two dragons to Dany standing on a cliff overlooking their four armies, two each, protecting the last stronghold of the North, unable to see their enemy in the darkness... and he stands beside her...
and it seems like even the dragons understand... the night is dark and full of terror... this is some primal shit... everyone's ready to fight... but all you can see is pitch black night... fear of the unknown... something even a lizards brain can understand... and on the walls Sansa and Arya look out into the pitch black... as a single figure rides out into the snowy field... and Davos looks down to see his one rider approaching... like wtf... and speak of the devil IT'S THE RED LADY, who I guess all this time was a sort of Rasputin figure, someone who claims to be a mystic and winds up a royal family into doing weirder and weirder shit, as opposed to Qyburn who's more of a Dr. Mengele opportunistic demented scientist type, and she approaches Jorah and looks around at the Dothraki army and asks "do you speak their tongue?" and Jorah nods, and she says "tell them to lift their swords" awwww shit, and Jorah just glares at her, but the wind starts rustling and he gets freaked out so just tells them, and they do... and the Red Lady rides up to them as Ghost watches her with a close eye... and she takes the Dothraki leaders sword and says a spell in Valaryan, and I swear I hear "Elon Musk" in there... but as Ghost recoils in confusion THE DOTHRAKI LEADERS SWORD IGNITES IN FLAME AND SO DOES HIS ENTIRE HOARDS
AND SANSA AND ARYA WATCH AS A WALL OF FLAMING SWORDS IGNITES ALONG THE DOTHRAKIS ENTIRE ARMY AS THEY CHEER IN PRIDE (I guess they don't give a shit about hating witches anymore since they can get all the buffs they can get) and Davos, Jaime, Brie, Grey Worm, Tormund and Sam all watch in amazement... and only Edd is brave enough to give a big smirk! and Jorah nods to her like shit, you're fine by me, and Jorah takes out his own sword, coulda lit his up too you know and she approaches Grey Worm, and tells him "Valar Morghulis" and he does the meme back "Valar Dohaeris" and she rides along his front line as Davos eyes the woman who killed his best friends daughter but still orders "open the gate!" for the men to let this woman who started most of this shit in and he storms outside and over a walkway to see the woman he swore to kill if she ever came back there and she takes her hood off and smiles "there's no need to execute me Ser Davos... I'll be dead before the dawn" and Davos bricks it wondering what that means for him and just lets her walk up to look up... at Arya... who just looks worried at her, barely even remembering they were enemies once, and Arya is distracted by the Dothraki going lalalalala to hype up and THE THEME SONG STARTS UP AS THE DOTHRAKI CHARGE INTO THE NIGHT WITH THEIR FLAMING SWORDS AS SANSA AND ARYA LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE HERE... WE... GO...
AND JORAH JOINS IN ON THE ENTIRE HOARD HE'S COMMANDING AS THEY GALLOP THEIR HORSES ACROSS THE FIELD AS DANY AND JON LOOK DOWN AT THIS MASS OF FIRES SWARM ACROSS THE SNOW
AND THE UNSULLIED LIGHT THEIR CATAPULTS AND FIRE THEM ACROSS THE DOTHRAKI WHO HOWL IN SUPPORT AND GHOST CATCHES UP BESIDE JORAH WITH HIS EYES GLOWING RED FROM THE FIRES AND STARTS GROWLING READY FOR THE HUNT OF A LIFETIME AND JORAH LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE AROUND HIM READY TO DIE FOR THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND WITH THE POWER OF THOUSANDS OF BETA ORBITERS ALL AROUND HIM POWERING UP HIS FRIENDZONED BETA CUCK RAGE...
and Jon and Dany watch as... the battlecrys turn to screams... and Grey Worm yells to cease fire as the two armies collide... and Brie and Jaime watch... as the flaming swords start to be extinguished... and the battle sounds are overcome by the sounds of snarling... and The Hound, Beric and Jaime watch... AS THE ENTIRE DOTHRAKI HOARD IS ENGULFED BY THE DARKNESS
and Edd looks concerned at Sam as they look back out and the Wildlings look at each other like uhhhhhh if those insane bastards are done for... are we? and the Stark girls ont he wall wait as the darkness just sits there... but then a horse rides out... and another... snorting and squealing in terror... and a few Dothraki run out on foot... and another horse comes out and a few more men flee... and Tormund sees Jorah, in severe pain, just shake his head at him... and Dany realizes... HER ENTIRE DOTHRAKI ARMY WAS DEFEATED IN A FEW SECONDS and she goes to hop on Drogon but Jon grabs her telling her "the Night King is coming" but Dany tells him "the dead are already here" and we here Drogon snarl as she hops on
and a Knight of the Vale is absolutely bricking it as intense thumping music starts up and Sam realizes he can hear... snarling... and The Hound, Tormund, Beric, Gendry, Pod all brace themselves... as they realize... that thumping sound ain't the fucking score... it's feet... there's something coming at them... a lot of somethings... and Grey Worm steels himself, feeling scared for the first time in his life, not for him but for Missy, and puts his helmet on... and stares down fear itself in the darkness...
AND GREY WORM ORDERS HIS MEN TO LOWER THEIR SPEARS AS THE SWARM OF THE UNDEAD POUR ON TOP OF THE UNSULLIED ARMY TEARING THEM APART IN ONE GIANT BIOMASS OF DEATH
BUT HIS ARMY IS NEXT AND HE SCREAMS IN PRIMAL FURY HACKING THE TORRENT OF ZOMBIES CRASHING INTO HIS WILDLING ARMY AND A KNIGHT OF THE VALE IN THE LAST INTACT ARMY STANDING OF THE NOTHERNERS BRICKS IT AND RUNS AWAY AND BRIE SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS "STAND YOUR GROUUUUUUUUUND!!!"
AND HER AND JAIME GET SMASHED BY THE WALL OF THE DEAD AND THE MEN ARE GETTING TORN APART AS BERIC SWINGS HIS FLAMING SWORD AND THE HOUND HACKS INTO THEM AND THEY DIVE ON TOP OF PODRICK BITING AT HIS NECK AND ONE TACKLES STRAIGHT INTO BRIE BRINGING THE MASSIVE WOMAN DOWN LIKE IT'S NOTHING
AND JAIME SEES THE WOMAN HE JUST KNIGHTED AND HIS ONLY FRIEND BEING EATEN ALIVE BY MONSTERS SO CHARGES STRAIGHT IN STABBING THEM WITH HIS DEAD SON'S SWORD TO TEAR THEM OFF BUT BEHIND HIM COMES... DRAGON FIRE SLICING THROUGH THE ARMY OF ZOMBIES LIKE A FUCKING ORBITAL ION CANON AND HE LOOKS FUCKING GLAD IT'S ON HIS SIDE THIS TIME
AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE DANY, THE DRAGON QUEEN AND A BUNCH OF OTHER MEMES I'M NOT LOOKING UP, RIDING DROGON LITERALLY RAINING FIRE DOWN ON THEIR ENEMIES, AND TORMUND SEES BOTH DRAGONS SLICING FIRE THROUGH THE DEAD LIKE HOT KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER AND STARTS OPERATING LIKE A MAD CUNT SLICING ZOMBIES APART WITH HIS MACHETE
AS... JON'S RIDING RHAEGAL, LAYING DOWN WALLS OF DRAGONFIRE PERFECTLY ON TARGET FROM HIS BACK, AND SAM LOOKS UP IN AMAZEMENT REALIZING HIS BEST FRIEND IS CONTROLLING A FUCKING DRAGON TO SAVE THEM WHILE EDD HACKS A ZOMBIE APART BEHIND HIM, AND SANSA AND ARYA WATCH PROUDER THAN EVER AS THEIR BROTHER AND HIS LOVER SCORCH THOUSANDS OF MONSTERS TO HELL THIS IS SO FUCKING EPIC MY COMPUTER JUST BECAME SELF AWARE AND CRASHED GOOGLE CHROME SO I CANT GET SPOILED LMAO
AND JON LOOKS DOWN AT THE LINE OF WHITE WALKERS STANDING BY THE TREELINE COMMANDING THEIR ZOMBIE ARMIES AND HE GIVES A LOOK TO DANY AND TAKES RHAEGAL SWOOPING DOWN AND THE WHITE WALKERS LOOK UP... AND A SNOWSTORM HUNDREDS OF METERS TALL SUDDENLY BURSTS OUT FROM THE FORREST ENGULFING JON AND HIS DRAGON INTO DARKNESS AND DROGON DOES ANOTHER PASS OVER THE ZOMBIE ARMY MAKING THEM SCREECH AS THEY FRY BUT DANY GETS HIT BY THE SNOWSTORM TOO AND SHE STRUGGLES TO KEEP DROGON OUT OF IT
and the ticking Dunkirk music starts up again and Arya tells Sansa "get down to the crypt" and she insists "I'm not abandoning my people" and Arya hands her I think a dragonglass dagger and tells her "take this and go" and Sansa stutters "I-I don't know how to use it" and Arya quotes their late father telling her "stick em with the pointy end" and she recognizes who that must be from and nods and rushes off and IN THE BATTLE JAIME, PODRICK AND BRIE ARE ALL STILL STANDING HACKING AT ZOMBIES AND LOOK UP TO SEE... THE TERRIFYING SNOWSTORM CLOSING IN ON THEM...
AND TORMUND, BERIC AND THE HOUND START TO BE OBSCURED IN SNOW... AND DANY DOES ANOTHER PASS OF THE ZOMBIE FRONT LINE ON DROGON, SPRAYING DRAGONFLAME DOWN ACROSS IT, TAKING OUT AN UNDEAD GIANT SWINGING AT THEIR GUYS, JUST AS THE SNOWSTORM ENGULFS THEM TOO
and in the walled garden Theon looks up seeing the massive fucking mile high snowstorm approach and looks at Bran and Lady Karstark comes up beside them like uhhhhhhhh I wish I was a main character right about now
and in the battle Jorah rides through slicing at zombies but ZOMBIES DOGPILE HIS HORSE, GROUNDING HIM, SO HE STARTS OPERATING, AND BRIE DOES HER ANIMALISTIC HOWLS AS SHE CHOPS INTO THE DEAD, AND TORMUND THROWS A ZOMBIE OFF OF HIMSELF ONTO A SPIKE AND GETS BACK TO HACKING AWAY AT THEM WITH THE HOUND, AND JAIME IS BREATHING HARD AS HE SKEWERS WINDOW'S WAIL INTO THE DEAD, AND ONE CHARGES AT PODRICK WHO HOLLARS AND SLICES IT BACK, AND GENDRY SMASHES A HAMMER DOWN INTO ANOTHER, AND POD KILLS ANOTHER, AND THE HOUND SMASHES THE AXE HE MADE HIM INTO ANOTHER, SCREAMS IN RAGE AND HACKS ANOTHER IN HALF, AND ONE ZOMBIE THROWS ITSELF OFF OF THE FIGHTING CROWD ON TOP OF JAIME, AND ONE JUMPS ON TOP OF TORMUND, AND SAM IS FIGHTING AS HARD AS HE CAN PLUNGING HIS DRAGONGALSS DAGGER, ONE OF THE ORIGINALS I GUESS, INTO A ZOMBIES BELLY, AS ANOTHER DIVES ON HIS FRIEND AND HE SCREAMS "EDD!" BUT ONE DIVES ON HIM TOO AND STARTS FORCING ITS KNIFE TOWARDS HIS EYE LIKE SOME MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 SHIT AS HE PANTS IN PURE FEAR...
BUT EDD STABS IT IN THE BACK, SAVING SAM! AND SAM LOOKS OVER THROUGH THE FLAMES TO SEE THE SILHOUETTE OF... JORAH, STILL FIGHTING, AND SMILES KNOWING EVEN IF HE CAN'T FIGHT HE SAVED A MAN WHO DAMN WELL CAN
AND EDD SCREAMS "SAM GET UP!" AND DRAGS HIM TO HIS FEET... BUT EDD GETS STABBED FROM BEHIND, SPITTING BLOOD ALL OVER HIS FACE, AND HIS LAST WORD IS "SAM" AS HE COLLAPSES, AND THE MONSTER THAT KILLED HIS FRIEND SNARLS AT SAM... WHO FUCKING BRICKS IT AND LEGS IT LMAO
and in the crypt Sansa walks down the stairs as the heavy doors lock behind her and she walks into the dark bunker to find all the civilians cowering with Tyrion, Varys, Gilly and Missy down there and everyone looks super shook at each other and Tyrion just takes a swig of wine... hey dickhead maybe you should have asked your sister for some wildfire she clearly has access to when she was pretending to help you you alchie fuck
then in the snowstorm outside Jon is struggling to stay on Rhaegal's back as he flaps around in confusion and then RHAEGALS STARTS HITTING THE TOPS OF TREES AND YELPS ON CONFUSION AS THERE'S ZERO VISIBILITY AND JON HOLDS ON FOR DEAR LIFE... WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE DROGON CRASHES INTO HIS BROTHER!!! LMAO WOOPS A FUCKING DAISY!!!, AND BOTH DRAGONS STRUGGLE TO STAY IN FLIGHT IN THE STORM WINDS, AND JON AND DANY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS THE DRAGONS TRY TO STAY IN FORMATION TOGETHER how the fuck did both Jon and Dany manage to hold on during that collision lol? I guess being Targs they get status buffs for dragon mounts
and they look down into the battle to see dead humans everywhere and Tormund screams "fall back! fall back!" to his Wildlings but a zombie hits him in the leg so he smashes it in the head and Brie screams to the Northern army "fall baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" and everyone legs it like fuck and based Lady Mormont in her badass armor who's leading the protection of the castle orders "open the gaaaaate!" and her men rush to let their forces in who are banging on the door and the castle is immediately flooded to the brim with humans from all armies and one falls over almost getting crushed in the rush and Lady Mormont orders "keep moving! fast! get to your posts!" and we see Sam rushing in thank god and Grey Worm sees what they're having to do so orders in valyarian "protect the retreat! stand your ground!" and the Unsullied ready themselves, forced to be the perfect soldiers but willing to die as the perfect soldiers, and snap to formation just as A WALL OF ZOMBIES HITS THE UNSULLIED WHO STAB THEIR SPEARS INTO EVERYTHING ATTACKING THEM and in the castle even more soldiers flood in and we pan up over the archers on the wall to see the flood or humans fleeing inside and the formations of Unsullied ready to take the zombies and we pan into the snowstorm and see the dragons flying about trying to escape and Jon yells "Daaaaaaanyyyyyy!" trying to help her out and we see Bran looking up into the snowstorm at a dragon that lands with a thump on the wall and thank god it's Jon who looks around worried and Lady Mormont pants as she sees her armies filling up the castle and Brie and Jaime usher more and more in and outside Grey Worm shouts orders as THE UNSULLIED STAND THEIR GROUND, SKEWERING WAVE AFTER WAVE OF ZOMBIES but the rear formation still has to take steps back to maintain space as the front formations are being overrun and they open up to let survivors retreat and we pan up to see... THERE'S EXPONENTIALLY MORE ZOMBIES THAN THERE ARE HUMANS
and the archers start firing flaming arrows (just a nitpick but I am pretty sure flaming arrows are not real since they'd just, you know, be extinguished as soon as you fired them lmao) down to cover the retreat as Tormund and Gendry smash their way through the zombies to escape but they're starting to climb over the defenses and Arya sees The Hound running through the snow and ARYA FIRES A FLAMING ARROW AT THE HOUND... HEADSHOTTING THE ZOMBIE CHASING HIM
and he looks up seeing who saved him and starts smashing a zombie in the head with his axe, and now it's time for even the Unsullied to fall back into the castle and Lady Mormont yells the order "protect the gate!" and The Hound screams back outside "fall back!" and the Unsullied start retreating in formation as Grey Worm makes it inside but there's too many zombies pushing the entire Unsullied back against itself and he realizes this is it and orders "light the trench!" and Davos gives the signal waiving two flaming torches across each other and Grey Worm breathes hard as he watches his brothers he grew up with and fought beside being slaughtered by monsters and he forces himself to pull the rope triggering the pitfall cutting off the only path by the fortifications, sacrificing his men, and Davos keeps signalling up into the snowstorm but realizes "she can't see us" as they left their plan up to one person lmao fucking morons so he orders his archers to fire their flaming arrows to light the trenches but the fortifications block their shots and the howling snowstorm kills their flames and we see TENS OF THOUSANDS OF ZOMBIES CHEW THROUGH THE UNSULLIED ARMY GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE CASTLE AND MAKING GREY WORM SACRIFICING THEM BE ALL FOR NOTHING
and he takes his helmet off as Davos yells down to his men to light the trenches but as they grab torches and try to run out zombies get to the and kill them and Grey Worm sees the soldiers being taken out like it's nothing and he looks through the chaos at the Red Lady watching all this, his friend Jorah fighting, Tormund going ham with his axe, keeping the few zombies that can get through away from the front gate, and a square formation of Unsullied form up and make their way out of the front gates to defend it and The Hound and Jorah and Beric all fight to keep the zombies getting over the defences away from the Unsullied formation and the Unsullied open up their formation... to let out the Red Lady... who walks up to the trench... and puts her hand on the first post of it... and closes her eyes and starts praying... and Jorah and the Unsullied try to guard her as zombies have managed to get through to the final formation of Unsullied on the other side of the trench and the Red Lady opens her eyes and watches them killing closer and closer to her as she starts saying fucking Elon Musk again and The Hound looks around scared as he gets the picture as to whats happening but keeps hacking away and the Red Lady struggles to focus on her spell as Beric, who has a fucking flaming sword right there lmao fucking light it yourself dickhead, covers her, and the zombies start to get through the Unsullied and are flailing around screeching all around her... and she starts yelling her spells/prayers as even the Unsullied guarding her are struggling to keep the dead away from them and she gives one last Elon Musk as
THE RED LADY CASTS HER PRYOMANCY SPELL SETTING THE ENTIRE TRENCH ALIGHT, IMMOLATING THE ZOMBIE LUNGING AT HER AND CUTTING OFF THE REST OF THE UNDEAD ARMY
and Jorah and Beric watch as the few Unsullied left fall back inside the castle and The Hound struggles not to panic from the fire but he looks over the flames to see... the army of the dead... are simply standing there staring back at him... and he rushes back inside with Beric yells "Clegane!" but he's long gone
and in the crypt Varys looks around at all the terrified civvies and quips to Gilly "at least we're already in a crypt..." and Tyrion worries "if we were up there we might see something everyone else is missing... something that makes a difference" and Varys sighs but Tyrion snaps "what? remember at Blackwater I brought us through the Mud Gate" and Varys reminds him "and got your face cut in half" but Tyrion is sure "it made a difference, if I was out there right now-" but Sansa cuts him off "you'd die, there's nothing you could do" perfectly understanding her own physically weak nature in this world of might makes right but Tyrion throws his wine down saying "you might be surprised as the lengths I'd go to avoid joining the Army of the Dead, I could think of no organization less suited to my talents" as he... gets another flask of wine lmao, but Sansa points out "witty remarks wont make a difference, that's why we're down here: none of us can do anything, it's the truth, it's the most heroic thing we can do now... look the truth in the face" and Tyrion cant say anything back to that but quips "maybe we should have stayed married" and Sansa assures him "you were the best of them" and Tyrion just goes "what a terrifying thought!" knowing his family but she points out "it wouldn't work out between us" and he asks "why not?" and she points out "The Dragon Queen, your divided loyalties would become a problem" and Missy snaps "yes, without the Dragon Queen it'd be no problem at all... we'd all be dead already" (well actually Dany has done nothing to help and in fact made the situation twice as worse by giving the Night King a dragon but ok thot) and storms off in a huff
and outside in the freezing snow the men are all shaking half from the cold half from the fear as they guard Theon and Bran who tells his former captive "they lit the trench" to no reply and he goes up and asks "Bran? I just want you to know... I wish-... the things I did-" but Bran shares some dank fucking wisdom "everything you did brought you where you are now... where you belong... home" and Theon doesn't cringe, he doesn't cry, he doesn't even look away, he just looks Bran... his little brother... in the eyes and smiles knowing all his mistakes and all his suffering both don't matter but simultaneously were worth it as he can finally let go of his past and belong in the present, but after only a moment of belonging Bran says "I'm going to go now..." and stares off as Theon asks "go where?"
but BRAN'S EYES GO WHITE AS HE WARGS INTO A MURDER OF CROWS that take flight out of a dead tree and fly towards the flaming line, flying through a huge gout of flame Drogon lays down into the army
over Winterfell, over where his body is, through the snowstorm... and past... a dragons wing... and they circle around... to find... THE NIGHT KING ON TOP OF HIS ZOMBIE BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON and he holds out his hand to commune with his zombie army
who are standing there by the fire as Drogon flies about erasing hundreds of them but he orders one at the front to walk forwards... into the fire... and he orders another... and another... and Davos and Arya look down from the wall as zombies just gradually destroy themselves and he's like wtf but then he notices... the bodies are starting to stack up... so the other zombies can walk across them... which makes no sense since their clothes and bodies would be flamable as we've seen from Jon just throwing a lantern at one to set it alight but ok... and Davos warns "man the walls!" as THE ZOMBIES FLOOD OVER A BRIDGE OF THEIR OWN KINDS CORPSES AND LADY MORMONT SCREAMS "MAN THE WALLS" AND JAIME BRICKS IT AND ORDERS EVERYONE UP THE STAIRS AS ARCHERS START LAYING DOWN FIRE ON THE ZOMBIES FLOODING ACROSS THE WEAKPOINTS
AND THE ZOMBIES START PILING INTO THE WINTERFELL CASTLES WALL AND STACKING UP AGAINST EACH OTHER LIKE SOME WORLD WAR Z SHIT TO CLIMB UP AND DAVOS YELLS "THEY'RE AGAINST THE WALL" AS THE ARCHERS STRUGGLE TO FIRE AS FAST AS THEY CAN SETTING THE ZOMBIES ON FIRE WITH THEIR FLAMING ARROWS AND BRIE AND JAIME STRUGGLE TO GET THEIR MEN ON THE WALL AND ORDERS THEM TO RELIEVE THE ARCHERS AND TAKE OVER FIRING AND JORAH BRINGS MORE MEN UP AND GREY WORM POPS HIS HELMET BACK ON AS THE SNOWSTORM IS REACHING THE CASTLE AND JORAH SEES THE ZOMBIES START TO PILE UP ON TOP OF EACH OTHER ON THE WALL, THROW SOME FUCKING BURNING OIL OR SOME SHIT DOWN ON THEM LIKE YOU DO IN REAL SIEGES YA NUMPTIES!
AND TORMUND LOOKS AROUND TO SEE HE'S WITH FUCKING GENDRY AND JAIME ORDERS "DRAW!" AND ALL THE ARCHERS GET READY AND GENDRY STARTS CONTROLLING HIS BREATHING AS HE WATCHES THE ZOMBIES PILE UP AND SMASHES ONE OF THEIR HEADS IN AND JAIME SKEWERS ANOTHER OFF AND SCREAMS "COME OOOON!" AND THE MEN START HACKING FURIOUSLY AT THE ZOMBIES AND SKELETONS TRYING TO SCALE THE WALL WITH EVEN SAM KEEPING THEM BACK BUT THE NPC CHARACTERS START TO GET OVERPOWERED AND A MIXTURE OF ASH AND SNOW IS EVERYWHERE OBSCURING EVERYONE'S VISION LETTING THE ZOMBIES GET AROUND THEM BUT JAIME FIGHTS THEM FROM ALL ANGLES AND ONE ZOMBIE PULLS A SOLDIER OVER THE WALL INTO A MASS OF THOUSANDS OF UNDEAD THAT ENGULF HIM
AND JORAH LOOKS OVER TO SEE JAIME BEING OVERPOWERED BUT BRIE STARTS CLEAVING HER MASSIVE SWORD THROUGH THREE ZOMBIES AT A TIME TO GET TO HIM AND HACKS THEM OFF AND THEY BOTH GO BACK TO BACK LIKE SOME WOLVERINE ORIGINS SHIT SLICING THROUGH THE CORPSES SWARMING THEM WITH THEIR VALYRIAN STEEL SWORDS OATHKEEPER AND WIDOW'S WAIL BOTH MADE FROM NED STARK'S SWORD DEFENDING HIS CASTLE FOR THE FINAL TIME AND JAIME SCREAMS "LOOK OUT!" AND COVERING ONE TRYING TO BITE HER BEHIND HER AND SHE RUNS THROUGH ANOTHER TRYING TO SCALE THE WALL
AND SAM IS FREAKING OUT IN PURE TERROR BUT ONE JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AND STARTS BITING HIM AND ANOTHER GETS HIM FROM BEHIND SO JORAH STABS THEM OFF SAVING THE MAN WHO SAVED HIM BUT THEY SEE THEM PUSHING BACK AN UNSULLIED AND BARGING THROUGH THE RAILING DOWN INTO THE CASTLE AND SLAUGHTERING THE SOLDIERS BELOW AND TWO RANDOM GUYS HIDE BEHIND THE TANK TRAP THINGS COVERED IN DRAGONGLASS THAT THE ZOMBIES THROW THEMSELVES ON LIKE RETARDS AND BERIC SAWS HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD OF ZOMBIES TO TRY AND HELP THEM WITH HIS FLAMING ARROWS AS ARCHERS ON THE OTHER WALLS KEEP UNLOADING ON THE ZOMBIES OUTSIDE BUT THEIR RAILINGS GET OVERWHELMED TOO AND THEY FLOOD IN FROM ANOTHER ANGLE AND THE HOUND'S FIRE PTSD IS BEING TRIGGERED AS HE HUGS A WALL AS FIRE RAINS DOWN AROUND HIM EVERYWHERE, AH THAT'S WHAT GOT HIM SO SHOOK AT BLACKWATER BAY I ONLY JUST REALIZED LMAO IM DUMB, AND HE'S SHAKING LIKE A LEAF AS BURNING EMBERS AND FLAMING ARROWS FLY EVERYWHERE
AND THE ZOMBIES START CLOSING IN AROUND HIM KILLING MEN LEFT AND RIGHT AND IT SEEMS HE'S DONE FOR BUT... A ZOMBIES GETS DECAPITATED AS ARYA STARTS OPERATING LIKE A MAD CUNT WITH GENDRY'S SPEAR
TWIRLING IT AROUND LIKE THE BO STAFF SHE TRAINED WITH SCREAMING AS SHE SKEWERS TWO AT A TIME AND SHE TRIGGERS HER SPECIAL ABILITY AND DETACHES THE HEAD TRANSFORMING HER WEAPON INTO A SHORT SWORD AND A BATON TO FIGHT MULTIPLE ZOMBIES AT ONCE WITH
AND BERIC IS SURROUNDED AND CALLS FOR "CLEGANE! CLEGANE!" BUT HOMEBOYS AFK AND ARYA KEEPS SAWING THROUGH ZOMBIE AFTER ZOMBIE AFTER ZOMBIE AFTER ZOMBIE AND DAVOS WATCHES IN WONDER AS HE TAKES OUT EIGHT IN A FEW SECONDS
BUT MORE COME SWARMING IN OVER THE WALLS AND LADY MORMONT LOOKS AROUND AT HER MEN FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES AND HERS ALL AROUND HER WHEN SUDDENLY... A ZOMBIE GIANT SMASHES IN THROUGH THE MAIN DOOR AND SLAPS HER OUT THE WAY!!!
AND ARYA IS SURROUNDED FROM BOTH SIDES TRAPPED IN A STAIRWAY SO SHE SIMPLY THROWS HERSELF OVER THE GROUP OF ZOMBIES ON THE STAIRS AND CROWDSURFS THEM DOWN LMAO AND ONE STARTS SWINGING AT HER AND SHE DODGES BUT IT MANAGES TO SLAM HER INTO THE DOORFRAME SHE TRIES TO EXIT AND HIS UNDEAD MATES FLOOD OUT AFTER HER AND ON THE GROUND LADY MORMONT IS BATTERED AND BRUISED ON THE FLOOR AS HER MEN THROW THEMSELVES IN THE GIANTS WAY TO PROTECT THEIR LADY BUT IT JUST EFFORTLESSLY SMASHES THEM OUT THE WAY WITH ITS CLUB AND SHE STRUGGLES TO GET UP BUT SHES TOO FUCKED UP AND THE GIANT KICKS ITS WAY THROUGH THE BRACADES SMASHING MEN AWAY AND BERIC SCREAMS "CLEGANE! CLEGANE WE NEED YOU! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP ON US!" AND THE HOUND SNARLS "FUCK OFF!!! WE CAN'T BEAT THEM! DON'T YOU SEE THAT YOU STUPID WHORE! WE'RE FIGHTING DEATH! THEY CAN'T BEAT DEATH"
AND BERIC BITES HIS TONGUE FROM REMINDING HIM THAT HE FUCKING DID LIKE 7 TIMES LMAO AND LOOKS UP TO SEE ARYA JUMPING OFF THE RAMPARTS AND ROLLING AWAY AS ZOMBIES RAIN DOWN AROUND HER AND BERIC TELLS HIM "TELL HER THAT!"
AND THE HOUND SEES ARYA BEING CHASED INSIDE THE CASTLE BY A SWARM OF UNDEAD SO HE GOES "RUUUAAGGHHH" AND RUSHES AFTER HER AND LADY MORMONT SEES THE GIANT ANNIHILATING HER PEOPLE SO SHE RAISES HER WEAPON AND SCREAMS "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" AND RUSHES HIM
AND LADY MORMONT RAMS HER DRAGONGLASS DAGGER THROUGH IT'S EYE INTO IT'S BRAIN!!! AND IT GOES REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND FALLS TO ITS KNEES WITH IT'S SKELETON COLLAPSING OUT OF IT'S SKIN AND IT'S SKULL ROLLING OFF!!! GET FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!!!
LMAO SHE DID TORMUNDS FAKE STORY OF KILLING A GIANT AT AGE 10 BUT FOR REAL!!! BUT THE OTHER ZOMBIES SIMPLY SWARM OVER HER CORPSE AS SHE'S ALREADY DEAD AND THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SHOW THE COURTYARD COMPLETELY OVERRUN
AS WE GO INTO THE SNOWSTORM TO SEE THE NIGHT KING FLYING UP INTO THE SKY... WITH DANY AND DROGON IN HOT PURSUIT! AND SHE CHASES HIM SO HIGH UP THEY BREACH THE TOP OF THE SNOWSTORM INTO THE NIGHT'S SKY ILLUMINATED BY THE MOONLIGHT and she finds Jon riding the other dragon up there with both their beasts flapping extra hard to stay stationary up in such thin air as they look around for their enemy but then
AND THE ZOMBIE DRAGON SHOOTS OUT SUPER FAST AFTER DROGON WHO TAKES OFF AS QUICK AS HE CAN TRYING TO KEEP HIS MOTHER OUT FROM THE BLUE FLAMES BLOWING AFTER THEM HOLY FUCK IT'S A FUCKING DRAGON JETFIGHTER DOGFIGHT!!!
AND HIS UNDEAD BROTHER IS JUST SPAMMING THE FUCK OUT OF HIS OP BLUE FLAMES AS JON TRIES TO RIGHT RHAEGAL WHO'S SPINNING OUT DOWN THROUGH THE STORM AND DROGON STARTS TAKING EVASIVE MANOEUVRES TWISTING AND TWIRLING IN THE AIR TO WEAVE OUT THE WAY OF THE SCORCHING HELLFIRE
SO THE NIGHT KING LEADS HIS DRAGON PLUMMETING DOWN WITH ITS WINGS FOLDED UP STRAIGHT INTO THE STORM BUT RHAEGAL MANAGES TO RIGHT HIMSELF AND LEADS JON ABOVE IT BACK TO HIS BROTHER AND MOTHER AND THEY HOVER IN THE AIR AGAIN AS THE HUMANS LOOK WORRIED AT EACH OTHER NOT KNOWING IF THEY'LL SURVIVE THIS BUT JON LEADS RHAEGAL DOWN BACK INTO THE STORM AND DROGON FOLLOWS OH FUCK
and inside the castle Arya is sneaking around making sure there's no zombies down there and grabs a dragonglass weapon and creeps down the hall to a doorway and slowly reaches out to open it and walks into a dark room and steels herself before looks around the corner and hiding behind a book shelf but she hears scraping on the other side of the room and sees a human figure walking around and moving shit so she goes and hides behind another bookshelf but then hears another zombie coming down the stairs and another scraping its sword along the hallway, surrounding her... so she uses her stealth training to sneak from bookcase to bookcase avoiding the zombies wandering around in there and when she reaches the last one in the room she looks around to see a zombie coming her way so has to backtrack but as she's going or the door there's one in there and one walks right by her as she hides getting even more surrounded so she darts under a table but then hears dripping coming from above her as something's been killed on top of it and she sees an ajar door to make her escape from but a zombies foot steps right in front of her and it just stands there so she waits but it bends down to check under the table but when it does she's already gone as Arya slips back behind a bookshelf and the zombie croaks in confusion and Arya grabs a book and tosses it down the hallway literally like some Hitman™ shit so all the zombies rush to the sound and as the dozen or so milling about the room all go to one corner she tries to slip out the other but A ZOMBIE CATCHES HER AND SHE INSTANTLY STABS IT IN THE THROAT BEFORE IT CAN MAKE A SOUND again just like Hitman™ lmao you sneak around and then some random guard comes out of nowhere so you have to go fuck it yolo and shank them, wait so what are these fucking zombies even doing in here lmao? looking for the right book to check out the library?
and she catches it's body and lays it down carefully and walks quietly out the door and sloooowly closes it trying to be silent sealing the other zombies inside but then she hears snarling in the distance and she turns around realizing it's coming from the door she just locked but then THE DOOR BESIDE HER BURSTS OPEN WITH A FLOOD OF ZOMBIES AND SO DOES THE ONE SHE LOCKED AND SHE LEGS IT THROUGH THE HALLWAY WITH DOZENS OF THE UNDEAD SMASHING THROUGH THE CORRIDORS BEHIND HER COMING OUT OF EVERY DOOR SHE PASSES
and in the crypt they can hear the undead are inside the castle now and they look up as the snarling gets closer and closer and louder and louder and all the civilians look terrified and the brave little girl steels herself to at least be the first to die and Varys looks up concerned and Tyrion takes a sip of wine but there's a huge THUMP and everyone gasps as they hear humans screaming and then... soldiers screaming outside the crypt door, begging to be let in, screaming "open the door! open the door!" and Sansa stands up and just waits for the screaming to end as the men beg "please! help! open the door!" but it goes quiet... as there was nothing to save them...
and inside th castle The Hound with his battle axe and Beric creep through the darkness with only his sword illuminating the way as they slowly take corners by cutting ye old pie not wanting to be ambushed and they hear banging around them but then loads of snarling one way so go towards it but then they hear running and suddenly A DOOR BURSTS OPEN WITH ARYA BEING SLAMMED THROUGH IT BY A ZOMBIE ONTOP OF HER AND SHE SCREAMS AS IT'S ABOUT TO TEAR HER FACE OFF SO BERIC THROWS HIS FLAMING SWORD AT IT PINNING IT AGAINST THE GROUND
AND HE RUSHES TO DRAG HER UP AS THE HOUND HACKS ZOMBIES AWAY AND ONE BITES BERICS ANKLE SO HE PUSHES ARYA TO RUN AWAY AND KICKS IT OFF BUT HIS FOOTS FUCKED AND HE LIMPS AS FAST AS HE CAN AWAY FROM THE UNDEAD AND THE HOUND GRABS HER SAYING "COME ON!" AND BERIC YELLS AT ARYA "RUN!" AS A ZOMBIE STABS HIM IN THE GUT BUT HE SHOVES IT AWAY AND KEEPS RUNNING AND THE HOUND SNARLS AS HE CHOPS A ZOMBIES HEAD OFF AND ARYA HELPS BERIC FOLLOW BUT ZOMBIES APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY IN FRONT OF THEM SO BERIC THROWS HIMSELF SNARLING INTO THEM SMASHING IT'S HEAD AGAINST THE WALL BUT ANOTHER DIVES INTO HIM AND STARTS STABBING HIM IN THE CHEST SO ARYA GRABS A HANDAXE ON THE GROUND AND THE HOUND SEES THE HALLWAY IN FRONT OF HIM FLOODING WITH ZOMBIES SO RUNS BACK TO THE OTHER TWO AS ARYA TRIES TO HACK THE ZOMBIES OFF BERIC BUT THE HOUND GRABS HER SCREAMING "WE'VE GOTTA GO!" AND BERIC STRUGGLES TO FOLLOW BUT A ZOMBIE STABS HIM IN THE BACK, AND HE GRABS BOTH SIDES OF THE WALL TO TRY TO STAY STANDING FOR MUH JESUS IMAGERY
BUT THEY JUST KEEP STABBING HIM, AND HE LUNGES FORWARD MANAGING TO STAY ON HIS FEET AND WITH ALL HIS STRENGTH LIMPS THROUGH THE DOOR AFTER ARYA JUST AS THE HOUND SLAMS IT SHUT AND SHE LOCKS IT AND COLLAPSES ON THE GROUND and Arya pulls him up onto the wall as The Hound rushes to barricade it and Beric tries to speak but his lungs are punctured so only air gasps out and he dies with Arya holding him...
and from behind her... the Red Lady says "The Lord brought him back for a purpose" and she turns to see her saying "now that purpose has been served" and The Hound looks down to see his only friend dead as Arya says "I know you" and the Red Lady steps forward and says "and I know you" and Arya remembers "you said we'd meet again" and she tells her "and here we are, at the end of the world" and Arya remembers "you said I'd shut many eyes forever... you were right about that too" and the Red Lady reminds her what she said "brown eyes, green eyes... and blue eyes" (nice callback but I seriously doubt that was intended and not a happy coincidence lmao, unlike the Hodor reveal which I presume GRRM came up with and will be in the books) and Arya understands she forsaw her fighting against the White Walker army on this day and the three of them get ready as the door starts to give under the weight of the dozens of zombies piling up behind it and as the three of them steel themselves all three 100% ready to die the Red Lady, sorry the Red Woman I guess I've been calling her the wrong name the entire show lmao woops asks Arya "what do we saw to the God of Death?" who I guess really is the bad guy in her religion and the camera zooms in on Arya who answers "not today" and she looks at the Red Lady and they just nod in respect to each other...... but Arya gets an idea and runs off lmao ok I thought her and The Hound were gonna co-op mode all the zombies like absolute mad cunts and the Red Woman was gonna start spraying fire out her hands or something but Arya just legs it out the other door uhhhh ok
and outside with Bran still warging (not sure what the fuck he is doing, just watching from the crows? I'm expecting him to at least duel the Night King on the psychic plane or some shit to try and control his army instead of him or something actually useful) Theon and his men look around hearing snarling in the distance and he yells "here they come! steady lads! steady now!" as he and his men light their arrows from a flaming bin and they see human figures rushing around in the darkness and he tells them "make every shot count" as the figures get closer... and closer... until DOZENS OF ZOMBIES RUSH THE ARCHERS AND THEON ALL AT ONCE WHO OPEN FIRE TO DEFEND BRAN
and we cut to a big shot of the lines of flames sawed into the ground by the dragons with the fucking probably hundreds of thousands strong undead army still filling up the field and the flaming moat surrounding Winterfell... and the Night King flies down ontop of the undead Viserion
BUT RHAEGAL SLAMS INTO HIS UNDEAD BROTHER AND THE TWO TEAR AND PULL AT EACH OTHER WITH THEIR MASSIVE CLAWS WHILE SOARING AROUND EACH OTHER AND IN THE GARDEN THEON PUTS A FLAMING ARROW IN A ZOMBIE WITH HIS MEN COVERING HIM AND THEY LOOK UP TO SEE THE DRAGONFIGHT ABOVE THEM
AS THE TWO TWIN MONSTERS WRESTLE EACH OTHER IN A WHIRLING FURY OF LEGS WINGS AND NECKS AS ZOMBIE VISERION BITES AT RHAEGAL'S LEG BUT HE TEARS A CHUNK OUT OF THE ZOMBIES BELLY BACK WITH HIS FOOT AND JON CLINGS FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE TWO BEASTS RIP AND SLASH CHUNKS OF FLESH OUT OF EACH OTHER BUT THE NIGHT KING'S MOUNT IS ANIMATED BY HIS DARK MAGIC AND RHAEGAL CAN'T SUSTAIN AS MANY INJURIES AND STARTS LOSING TATTERS OF WING AND GETS HIS NECK CAUGHT IN HIS DEAD BROTHERS JAWS AND THE NIGHT KING GETS AN ICE SPEAR READY AS RHAEGAL BITES BACK TEARING A JUNK OF HIS DECAYING BROTHERS FACE OFF
MAKING A GOUT OF BLUE FLAME SQUIRT OUT THE SIDE AS HIS FIRE BREATHING SYSTEM IS DAMAGED AND THE ZOMBIE DRAGON REACHES AROUND TO SNAP AT JON ON RHAEGAL'S BACK BUT WHEN HE TRIES TO SHOOT FLAMES AT HIM IT JUST PUFFS OUT THE SIDE
AND HIS UNDEAD BROTHER HAS JON'S MOUNT IN A FUCKING MMA HOLD AS IT TRIES TO EAT JON AND THEIR WINGS FLAIL AROUND FAILING TO KEEP THEM AIRBORN AS RHAEGAL GETS CLAWS SUNK INTO HIS CHEST AND JUST AS JON'S ABOUT TO GET EATEN...
AND RHAEGAL CRASH LANDS IN THE SNOW TRYING TO STEADY HIMSELF WITH HIS LEGS BUT JUST SLAMS INTO HIS BELLY WITH HIS WINGS TOO HURT TO STEADY HIMSELF AND JON GOES FLYING OFF AS RHAEGAL SKIDS ALONG THE GROUND
and in the court yard Tormund and Gendry are fending off the undead that are managing to get over what's left of the barricades as the piles of corpses from both sides pile up with the few remaining human soldiers falling to zombies and adding to the pile and we see Jorah pushing a corpse off his sword and looking up and around as he realizes something's up and in the sky we see Dany on top of Drogon who starts lowering himself and she looks down to see... THE NIGHT KING just standing there emotionlessly staring up at her
so Dany simply says "DRACARYS" AND DROGON UNLEASHES HIS FULL POWER BLASTING THE NIGHT KING THAT KILLED HIS BROTHER WITH EVERYTHING HE'S GOT TURNING HIM AND THE GROUND ALL AROUND HIM INTO AN SUPERNOVA AS HEROIC MUSIC SWELLS AND JON STAGGERS THROUGH THE FIELD OF CORPSES TO WATCH THE FIREBALL GROW SO BIG IT FORMS A MUSHROOM CLOUD
and Drogon lets off and snarls and screeches in victory as Jon watches the flames keep roaring and Dany peers down into it trying to see.. THE NIGHT KING IS JUST STANDING THERE IN THE INFERNO, COMPLETELY UNHARMED, AND LOOKS UP AT DANY.... AND HE SMILES!!!!!
AND HE PICKS UP HIS JAVELIN AND DROGON FUCKING BRICKS IT REMEMBERING WHAT THE LAST ONE DID TO HIS BROTHER AND FLIES OFF AS FAST AS HE CAN BARELY DODGING OUT THE WAY TO KEEP THE JAVELIN FROM HITTING HIS MOTHER lucky NK that he happened to land right next to his javelin lmao, alright so hang on if the White Walkers are vulnerable to dragonglass because it was forged by dragon fire why didn't that kill him... or does he get a special buff to dragonglass? was he a Targ when he was a human or something? and the Night King simply starts walking through the absolute carnage all around him towards Winterfell castle as if he's in an only mild hurry now and Jon unsheathes Longclaw, Valaryan steel that can maybe hurt this guy, and takes off running after him... but the Night King senses him... and he stops... and he turns his neck with the crack of breaking ice to listen... and Jon stops as he sees evil incarnate standing amongst the flaming piles of corpses... and he sees him turn back to look... and turn his body to face him... and there's this metal clanging sound in the soundtrack like from the Terminator 1 score... AND THE NIGHT KING TRIGGERS HIS ULTIMATE AND STARTS RAISING HIS HANDS, TO REANIMATE THE SEA OF CORPSES HE'S STANDING IN AND JON REALIZES THIS IS HIS ONLY CHANCE SO RUSHES AT HIM AS FAST AS HE CAN BEFORE HE CAN COMPLETE HIS SUMMONING... AND THE DEAD EYES OF THE UNSULLIED SOLDIERS START TO POP OPEN... AND THE BODIES OF HIS FELLOW FALLEN NORTHMEN START TO SIT UP...
AND JON RUNS THROUGH THEM BUT BEFORE HE CAN GET TO THE NIGHT KING THE DEAD STAND UP SURROUNDING HIM... HUNDREDS OF THEM... THOUSANDS OF THEM... HE'S NOW THE POOR LITTLE LIVING BOY IN THE ZOMBIE HOOD
and inside Jaime is still fighting on the ramparts and looks out to see... all the men he's lost... all the men loyal to the Starks that died... all the Glover soldiers that died... all the Mormont soldiers that died... all the Karstark soldiers that died... all the Umber soldiers that died... all the Knights of the Vale that died... every single fighting man and woman in the North that died... all the Wildlings that died... all the Unsullied that died... all the Dothraki that died... ALL THE FALLEN HUMANS START TO REANIMATE ALL AROUND THEM
and Edd's eyes open bright blue too... and the Night King stares straight at Jon... and simply walks away... as his undead minions close in around him... and inside the fresh undead army stand there awaiting their masters... a squad of White Walkers casually marching straight in the front door...
and inside the crypt Gilly looks around to see... oh you've got to be shitting me... they didn't clear out the... oh my god... THE ANCIENT DESICCATED REMAINS OF THE STARK ANCESTORS START REANIMATING IN THE FAMILY CRYPT that somehow break their way out of solid stone graves lul and everyone looks around as they start slithering out of what was supposed to be their final resting places, and babies start crying in terror, and Varys sees skeleton hands start to burst out of the stone crypts all around them, oh my god are we gonna see a zombie Ned lmao, AND THE CROWD OF CIVVIES START SCREAMING IN TERROR AND TRYING TO FLEE AS TYRION SCREAMS "COME ON! COME ON!" AND THE SKELETONS GRAB A WOMAN AND PULL HER AWAY
AND IN THE GARDEN WE SEE THEON AND HIS MEN DROPPING ZOMBIES LEFT AND RIGHT BUT THEY KEEP COMING AND COMING AND THEON STARTS FIRING HIS FLAMING ARROWS OUT OF THE FIRE BIN AT AN ALMOST AUTOMATIC RATE COVERING EVERY ANGLE AS THEY DASH TOWARDS BRAN
AND OUTSIDE JON IS GOING HAM FIGHTING BACK THE ENTIRE ARMY OF FALLEN FIGHTERS ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND JUST AS THEY'RE ABOUT TO OVERWHELM HIM... THEY EXPLODE IN A MASSIVE FIREBALL AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE DANY AND DROGON COVERING HIM!!! AND DROGON CLEAVES A BURNING PATH THROUGH THE ARMY IN FRONT OF JON
AND CRASHES DOWN BEHIND HIM BUT JONS ONLY CONCERN IS "BRAN!" AND DANY SCREAMS "GO!" AND HE RUNS OFF THROUGH THE FLAMES, GET ON THE FUCKING DRAGON YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! AS DANY WATCHES AND DROGON SMASHES ZOMBIES RUNNING UP ON HIM WITH HIS MASSIVE TAIL BUT OUT FROM THE SMOKE AND SNOW COMES THE ENTIRE ARMY THAT ALL DOGPILE ONTO DROGON AND HE FLAILS AROUND BEING COVERED IN BITING UNDEAD AND HE SCREECHES IN PAIN ROARING AT THE CROWD BUT IT'S TO NO EFFECT
AND DANY TRIES SO STAY ON AS THE ZOMBIES START STABBING INTO DROGON AND HE STAMPS AROUND TRYING TO SHAKE THEM OFF BUT THEY CLING ON LIKE SPIDERS SWARMING HIM AND THEY START GETTING AT DANY WHO ROLLS OFF ONTO THE SNOW AND DROGON'S BLEEDING SO HE STRUGGLES TO JUMP UP AND WITH ALL HIS MIGHT TAKE OFF FLYING INTO THE AIR WHILE COATED WITH A HUNDRED ZOMBIES HE FLAPS HIS WINGS AS HARD AS HE CAN TO THROW OFF
AND DANY SITS THERE AS IT STARTS RAINING CORPSES ALL AROUND HER... BUT MOST SURVIVE AND POP THEIR EYES OPEN AND START COMING AT HER AND SHE STRUGGLES BACK AS ONE GETS TO ITS FEET AND RUSHES HER BUT... IT GETS THE TOP HALF OF IT'S HEAD SLICED OFF!!!
AND LOOKS UP TO SEE GENDRY ALMOST UP TO HIS KNEES IN DEAD SMASHING THEM WITH HIS HAMMER AND TORMUND STANDING ON A PLATFORM TAKING ON DOZENS AT A TIME GIVING JON A WIDE EYED CRAZED LOOK HAVING THE ADRENALIN RUSH OF A LIFETIME
AND JON LOOKS DOWN TO SEE SAM SQUEALING "AAH! DIE!" AS HE PINS A ZOMBIE DOWN WITH HIS MASSIVE WEIGHT AND STABS IT IN THE CHEST OVER AND OVER AGAIN HOLY SHIT, IS THAT ZOMBIE SCREAMING IN PAIN LMAO? AND JON CLEAVES THROUGH A ZOMBIE AND HEARS SAM SCREAMING IN TERROR AS THE ZOMBIES CLOSE IN AROUND HIM BUT THERE'S NO TIME AND HE HAS TO KEEP GOING
AND HE CLEAVES A PATH THROUGH THE WALL OF THE UNDEAD SEEING GREY WORM TWIRLING HIS SPEAR AND SHIELD AROUND IN PERFECT FORMATION TAKING ON A DOZEN BY HIMSELF LIKE SOME 300 SPARTANS SHIT
AND JON SEES A FLOOD OF THE ZOMBIES COME OUT AT HIM SO RUSHES THE OTHER WAY SLASHING THROUGH THE DEAD TO MAKE HIS WAY THROUGH A TUNNEL AND HE SEES A ZOMBIE STABBING A MAN TO DEATH SO CLEAVES IT IN HALF AND ANOTHER ZOMBIE DROPS DOWN FROM THE ROOF ABOVE AND HE PINS IT TO THE WALL AND SLICES ITS HEAD OFF AND THE WHOLE CEILING CAVES IN AROUND HIM AND HE SHOVES THE ZOMBIES BACK SLAMMING SHUT A METAL DOOR TO KEEP THE SWARM AT BAY
AND IN THE GARDEN THEON'S MEN START GETTING OVERRUN AND THEON'S RUN OUT OF ARROWS SO GOES FULL HAWKEYE AND STARTS CLUBBING THE ZOMBIES WITH HIS BOW BUT ONE TACKLES HIM AND HE CRAWLS AWAY AS HIS MEN ARE ALL EATEN TO DEATH AROUND HIM AND ANOTHER ZOMBIE RUSHES HIM BUT HE GRABS A SPEAR AND RAMS IT INTO HIS GUT AND GOES HAM WITH THE SPEAR KEEPING MORE AWAY FROM BRAN
AND OUTSIDE ON THE BATTLEFIELD JORAH IS ALL THAT'S STANDING BETWEEN THE ENTIRE UNDEAD ARMY AND HIS QUEEN AND EVEN DANY PICKS UP A DRAGONGLASS SWORD AND THEY STAND BACK TO BACK READY TO TAKE ON THE ENTIRE BATTLE'S WORTH OF DEAD
AND IN THE CRYPT MORE AND MORE CIVILIANS ARE BEING CAUGHT BY THE REANIMATED STARK ANCESTORS UNTIL THE WHOLE CRYPT IS FULL OF THE ECHOS OF SCREAMING AND SANSA AND TYRION ARE HIDING BEHIND ONE OF THE STATUES AND HE PEAKS OUT TRYING TO SEE AN OPENING AND SANSA TRIES TO CONTROL THEIR BREATHING BUT ITS HOPELESS... so Sansa takes her husbands hand... and these two completely different people from enemy Houses who were forced to marry in a sham... hold hands and look deep into each others eyes... and Tyrion kisses Sansas hand and smiles... and he takes a deep breath and rushes out of cover... this would be a pretty lazy romance to establish so close to the end since they can just cut to the end immediately since they're already married kek...
and in the court yard Jon struggles to get to the garden seeing the few human soldiers left and some super sad piano music starts up as ZOMBIE VISERION SMASHES INTO THE WALL INSTANTLY CRUSHING IT AND SPRAYS HIS MALFUNCTIONING BLUE FIRE BREATH WILDLY INTO THE COURTYARD FRYING THE FEW FOOTSOLDIERS LEFT AND JON RUNS BACK TO COVER AS BLUE HELLFIRE SWEEPS BEHIND HIM
AND IN THE COURTYARD BRIE, JAMIE AND PODRICK ARE FIGHTING THEIR HARDEST TO KEEP THE ZOMBIES BACK BUT THEY'RE UP AGAINST THE WALL BEING OVERWHELMED, TORMUND AND GENDRY ARE BEING PULLED OFF THE PLATFORM, EVEN GREY WORM HAS THE ZOMBIES TOO CLOSE TO USE HIS FIGHTING FORMATIONS PROPERLY
JORAH GETS GRABBED FROM BEHIND BUT DANY SAVES HIM BY CLEAVING INTO THE ZOMBIE WITH THE DRAGONGLASS SWORD AND HE KEEPS FIGHTING AS HARD AS HE CAN TO PROTECT HER BUT ONE STABS HIM IN THE BACK AND DANY STABS IT IN THE EYE COVERING HER MOST LOYAL MAN AS BEST SHE CAN AND SHE PULLS HIM TO HIS FEET AND THEY BOTH FIGHT FURIOUSLY
and all the civvies in the crypt are getting eaten as Tyrion leads Sansa over to Varys hiding in a corner protecting the brave little girl as he really does do right by children after all and Jon sneaks to check if the path is clear yet but the gate he locked bursts open spilling zombies out behind him so he just rushes out through the burning courtyard but ZOMBIE VISERION IS STILL FLAILING ABOUT CAUGHT IN THE COLLAPSED CASTLE AND JON HAS TO FIGHT HIS WAY THROUGH ZOMBIES AS THE MASSIVE UNDEAD DRAGON FLAILS AROUND COUGHING FIRE BEHIND HIM
AND JUST MANAGES TO GET BEHIND A WALL IN TIME AS IT SPEWS BLUE FLAMES AT HIM, AND THEON IS STILL OPERATING LIKE A MAD CUNT CLEAVING DOWN ZOMBIE AFTER ZOMBIE... BUT THE NIGHT KING AND HIS WHITE WALKERS WALK IN... AND OUTSIDE JORAH IS ON HIS KNEES STILL FIGHTING BUT THE UNDEAD PILE ON HIM, GENDRY AND TORMUND STRUGGLE TO STAY STANDING, JAIME AND PODRICK GET PINNED AGAINST THE WALL AND EVEN BRIE CAN'T KEEP THEM BACK
SAM IS JUST LAYING IN A PILE OF DEAD BODIES CRYING AS HE HELPLESSLY WATCHES HIS MEN BEING EATEN ALIVE AROUND HIM, AND THE NIGHT KING STRUTS TOWARDS THE GARDEN AS THEON FIGHTS WITH THE ENDURANCE ONLY A MAN WHO SURVIVED YEARS OF TORTURE CAN MUSTER SLICING THROUGH ZOMBIES AT EVERY ANGLE UNTIL HE'S KILLED DOZENS AND DOZENS OF THEM ALL AROUND BRAN'S WHEELCHAIR AND HE MANAGES TO STAY STANDING DESPITE HIS EXHAUSTION
AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE... EVEN MORE ZOMBIES SURROUNDING HIM... JUST STANDING THERE... AND THEY PART... AND BRAN SNAPS OUT OF HIS WARG TO LOOK OVER WITH THEON TO SEE... THE NIGHT KING AND HIS WHITE WALKERS WATCHING THEM... AND THEON LOCKS EYES WITH THE NIGHT KING
but Bran calls out "Theon" and he looks over at the little boy who's life he saved 8 years ago, the little boy he betrayed 7 years ago, and the young man who forgave him only an hour ago... his eyes swelling with tears... as Bran tells him "you're a good man"... and Theon smiles... and Bran says "thank you" as he already knows what's going to happen to him... and Theon understands and as a tear rolls down his eye... turns back to face the devil himself... staring him right in the fucking eyes like not very many but Theon could manage...
as the Night King steps forward like 1v1 me cunt... and Theon... readies his dragonglass spear... THEON CHARGES THE NIGHT KING SCREAMING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AND THEON LOOKS THE NIGHT KING IN THE EYE AS HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES... AND THE NIGHT KING JUST LOOKS UP AT BRAN AS THEON SLUMPS... AND BRAN LOOKS DOWN LIKE "STILL SAD EVEN THOUGH I GOT SPOILED ON IT"
AND IN THE COURTYARD JON HIDES AS ZOMBIE VISERION HAS AN ABSOLUTE TANTY FLAILING AROUND WITH HIS FACE MELTING AWAY FROM HIS FLAMMABLE GLANDS CATCHING FIRE AND AS A BEAM OF BLUE FIRE STRAFES ACROSS THE DOORWAY HE SEES HIS OPPORTUNITY AND RUNS OUT WITH ONLY SECONDS TO SPARE AS ZOMBIE VISERION BLASTS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURTYARD BUT HE'S NOT FAST ENOUGH AND THE GIANT UNDEAD DRAGON SPOTS HIM
AND UNLEASHES HIS HELLFIRE AND JON JUST MANAGES TO JUMP BEHIND A DESTROYED WALL WITH BLUE FLAMES SNATCHING AT HIM FROM ABOVE AND RED FLAMES LICKING AT HIM FROM BELOW PINNING HIM IN wait can't this dragon's fire like melt The Wall why can Jon take cover behind a tiny rock rofl ok sorry
AND IN THE GARDEN THEON GASPS AND WRITHES IN HIS DEATH THROWS ON THE GROUND AND LOOKS BACK UP AT THE NIGHT KING WHO GIVES HIM ONE LAST GLANCE BEFORE STARTING TOWARDS BRAN AND THEON TRIES TO MOVE BUT CANT AND GARGLES HIS LAST BREATH AND EXPIRES
AND IN THE BATTLEFIELD DANY STRUGGLES TO PULL JORAH TO HIS KNEES BUT A REANIMATED WILDLING STABS HIM IN THE CHEST SO DANY RAMS HER SWORD THROUGH HIS AND ANOTHER UNDEAD WILDLING RUSHES THEM BUT JORAH KNOWS HE'LL BE DEAD IN A FEW SECONDS SO JUST BLOCKS THE ZOMBIES BLADE WITH HIS OWN FUCKING FOREARM AND STABS IT IN THE HEAD WITH HIS SWORD AND KNEELS OVER HAEMORRHAGING TO DEATH ALL OVER THE GROUND BUT FORCES HIMSELF THROUGH THE DETERMINATION ONLY A MAN BETA ORBITING IN THE FRIENDZONE FOR 8 FUCKING YEARS COULD SUMMON TO PUSH HIMSELF UP WITH HIS SWORD BACK ONTO HIS FEET AND DANY HAS TO HOLD HIM UPRIGHT
AS THE NIGHT KING SLOWLY WALKS TOWARDS BRAN'S WHEELCHAIR WHO JUST SITS THERE THINKING... AND JON HEARS THE UNDEAD VISERION SCREECHING AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURTYARD AND TRIES TO PULL HIMSELF UP... AS THE NIGHT KING GETS CLOSER AND CLOSER TO BRAN LOOKING AT THE CRIPPLED BOY EXPECTANTLY
who finally looks up at him.... and the two ancient enemies stare at each other in the eyes as if they've been doing this for thousands of years... and Bran realizes something... and gives a tiny tiny smile... and the Night King cocks his head as he's just realizing what means...
AND IT LOOKS AT HIM LIKE "YA 'AVIN A FOOKIN GIGGLE M8?" WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING? TRYING TO SCARE THE ZOMBIE DRAGON AWAY LMAO? STAB IT WITH THE VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
and the Night King raises his hand as the wind blows and the White Walkers watch him reach for the ice sword on his back but ARYA LEAPS OUT OF NOWHERE GOING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TRYING TO STAB HIM WITH THE VALYRIAN STEEL DAGGER
AND ZOMBIE VISERION REARS UP AND OPENS ITS MOUTH TO UNLEASH ALL ITS HELLFIRE ON JON BUT ITS BLUE EYE GOES DEAD AND IT CRUMPLES INTO A HEAP OF WITHERED OLD LEATHER AND BONES!!!
AND THE PILE OF ZOMBIES SURROUNDING TORMUND AND GENDRY COLLAPSE, THE ZOMBIES ON THE WALL FALL OFF, THE ZOMBIES ALL THROUGHOUT THE CASTLE DROP LIKE SACKS OF SHIT
THE ZOMBIES STILL TRYING TO FLOOD INTO THE CASTLE ALL SUDDENLY DROP DEAD AGAIN IN A WAVE ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD, INCLUDING THE ONES AROUND JORAH AND DANY and the second he sees the danger has passed Jorah finally lets himself fall over saying "I'm hurt"
and Jon looks around in amazement and Tormund, Gendry, Grey Worm and two NPCs stand in the courtyard in a sea of corpses and Brie, Jaime and Podrick are all still against the wall trapped in by all the dead bodies up to waist height around them but all also still breathing
and Tyrion, Sansa, Varys, the brave little girl, Missy, Gilly and lil Sam are all alive with the remaining civilians as the Stark ancestors lay at rest again (shame we didn't get to see a zombie Ned lmao) also I don't think we even got to see zombie Lady Mormont or zombie Edd either which would have been some kino if Jorah and Sam had to kill them respectively but I guess Lady Mormont killing the giant was one of the designated yaaaaas queeeeeen moments and they didn't want to sour it by showing her getting killed again to upset the hoards of normies who this episode was made for to scream at in bars
and in the garden an exhausted Arya looks at Bran who looks proudly at his big sister and Dany holds Jorah's destroyed body in her hands as he looks adoringly into her eyes one last time... and he dies happy knowing he saved the love of his life who he knows will make the world a better place, ok this death actually made an actual tear form in my eye as Jorah's whole life is just sad as he's such an extreme beta orbiter and he never even got a kiss on the lips from Dany lmao, he died a true friendzoners death, giving his life for a girl who wouldn't even give him a pity snog
and she cries tears of anguish (as her eyebrows go ballistic) and Drogon hears his mothers pain and lands behind her and carefully steps around her and lays his head down beside her and chirps to comfort her well there goes House Mormont rip wait where the fuck were you Drogon this entire time? couldn't have helped fight Viserion? they didn't even do the meme of the red fire and the blue fire clashing that's been used in all the promotional material all over the world down to the logo on Sky on my TV lul
and The Hound opens the door to see the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies everywhere and breathes exhausted having to lean on his axe to keep himself standing up as the Red Lady simply walks straight out through the hills of the fallen
and drops her coat down and walks towards the snowfields and Davos is alive too and comes out to watch her and he holds his sword as he considers mercing her but the Red Woman takes her enchanted necklace off revealing to Davos her true form as she walks off into the snow... and withers away into a decrepit old woman who's hair turns shock white and her skin turns to ash as if Thanos gave her the ol Snap as she collapses dead in the snow... that's the fanbase waiting for GRRM to finish the book series btw... and cut to black... and roll credits....
ok the episode was actually only an hour and 20 minutes long lets see what the rest of this video is oh sorry I meant uh TV broadcast because that's a thing people watch in 2019, alright so we have a trailer for next episode I'm skipping and then an interview with DnD describing what we just saw, absolutely epic and I'll skip that too ok so first of all like Endgame I can't fucking believe I didn't get spoiled for this since every two zeptoseconds I saw some clickbait add entitled YOU WONT BELIEVE WHO DIED DURING THE INSANE BATTLE OF WINTERFELL but I just signed off of everything and stopped using all the websites I usually go to and being extremely careful even googling the spelling of certain words (since all spellcheckers are dogshit) in case it was somehow related to GoT but nice, alright, it seems like a big complaint about this episode is it's literally too dark but honestly that's obviously on purpose to make it more scary, depict how the NK is literally obscuring the characters vision on purpose and to hide the CGI to make it more convincing Jurassic Park style so I think frankly the people who are complaining about it being hard to see are the kind of mega normies who watch shows on the actual HBO streaming client at 0.000001mb/s while tens of millions of other people are overloading their servers and compressing the video to fuck and back on their dogshit laptop or even phone while laying on a couch at their mother in laws house with the lights all on and can eat shit, but as for the story I was definitely not excepting the Night King to get iced, literally, in this episode since he's obvious final boss fodder but I guess that's Cersei, nice, hope she wins lmao, but since this was one of the final episodes I was expecting more characters to die since all their storylines are pretty much wrapped up but only Theon, Beric and Jorah bit the bullet and 2 mega d-listers Lady Mormont and Edd (and I guess Lady Karstark probably died with Theon's men too), I was expecting pretty much everyone other than Jon and Dany and maybe characters who have beef with Cersei like her brothers, The Hound and the Stark kids to survive, with their loved ones and friends being killed so they are extra mad at Cersei for betraying them and not sending Lannister forces that could have made a difference, that would have probably been better, I was waiting for a sequence where the Night King arrives in Winterfell and everyone's plot armor gets taken off and he just effortlessly freezes solid their best fighters one after another or something, but rip the fallen anyway, Beric I guess served his purpose to keep Arya alive or maybe just to motivate The Hound to do so, Jorah reached the logical endpoint of a beta orbiter and got his life fucked up white knighting his oneitis without ever escaping the friendzone and she only realizes she should have gone with the Nice Guy instead of the string of Bad Boys only once he's gone for good oh yeah and the Red Woman died but from uh suicide (I guess that's one way to make an accurate prophecy of your own death, just fucking kill yourself lmao) she was too much of a mega boomer for this shit, I guess Ghost never came back from the initial charge so rip pupper and top lel at me being right that it actually did come down to Theon saving the world by buying Arya the few more seconds she needed to get to Bran by 1v1ing the most powerful evil overlord in the world, he was probably one of my favorite characters since he's he goes from pathetic to even more pathetic but still gets the big hero moment which you don't see very often other than with comedy relief characters, but anyway the production values of this episode were amazing, of all the episodes that are just one action situation, like the Blackwater or The Wall siege or the episodes with big battles at the end of the episode like Hardhome, the Battle of the Bastards and Beyond The Wall this is by far the best and unironically better than the vast vast vast majority of blockbuster movies that look like shit compared to this and this episode was literally like 82 minutes of almost non-stop battle with almost no cut-aways as they took care of all the drama in the previous episodes and all the set-up in the previous one and we've had 7 seasons of characterization put in when most movies are a 5 minute action scene with no consequences, an hour of setting up a dumb plot you've seen a hundred times before, a middle action scene of 5 minutes that has no consequences, half an hour of bare bones characterization and then a predictable finale for 15 minutes where everything is rushed and incoherent, but this was literally like a 82 minute long action scene, simply fucking epic and really impressive for all the tech and crew guys involved, but unfortunately this is a nerd on the internet reviewing something so the technical skill it takes to pull off something on this scale only gets lip service and what we actually want to be talking about is if the story was good and the plot made sense and the answer is not really lmao again like I said the show has switched from having characters over plot unlike most shows do to putting plot over characters like every other show does where it is important to the proceedings to have certain characters be certain places and do certain things even though those characters would never do that or would be unable to do that like if this was the first four seasons then every single character would be fucking dead several times over, literally almost every character kept aaaaalmooooost dying over and over again when you're not sure if that's their death scene or not, like Tormund, Gendry, Brie, Jamie and Pod all kept getting almost overrun like three times and Sam spent the entire battle giving zombies piggy back rides, Sansa and Tyrion even look like they're about to commit suicide by zombie to get it over with but it was just running to bump into Varys somehow, all the smart characters get nerfed to make dumb decisions so something can happen in the plot like no one lights the fire in the trench despite Beric having a flaming sword right next to it or Jon staring at it a meter away on top of a fuckin dragon then the zombies just clamber over it easily anyway, no one realized they need to do something about their dead like throw them in the fire trench or something, Bran nor Jon doesn't warn anyone the Night King brings a snowstorm with him so don't rely on visibility, Varys and Tyrion, the two smartest men alive, are sitting in a crypt filled with dead bodies worrying about not being above ground to provide their genius minds fighting the army... that can resurrect the dead... and they don't get their noggin joggin about what is surrounding them one inch away from their faces lmao, Peter Dinklage even pointed this out in some behind the scenes interview
Drogon landing to just stare at Jon for some reason, I guess he could be tired but obviously he'd at least run away if zombies started getting on him but they swarm him like instantly to have him be at all threatened by them, Rhaegal crashes and just peaces the fuck out from the story without us seeing if he's dead or incapacitated or what, you'd think if he was too fucked up to be moving then the zombies could gangbang him but he'll probably turned up next ep, and the director wanted to do a stealth horror scene so Arya suddenly sneaks around rather than just runs as fast as she can as the building is mega-obviously going to be swarming with them at any time and having only a dozen in a room is the best she's going to get as a clear path and has no time to spare and she can clearly drop the zombies like it's nothing anyway but is suddenly scared, and despite NPCs literally throwing themselves into death like the Dothraki basically INTing rather than staying mobile all around the battlefield to harass enemy infintary from the sides in hit and run attacks like actual cavalry do to not die instantly or the zombies only attacking from one angle for no reason despite their target Bran being in a more vulerable other section of the castle on the side, the main charters can teleport around the battlefield as they like like Jorah somehow leaves Winterfell and gets behind the army of the dead to save Dany, the only character who can't TP around is Jon who does fuck all anything but scream at the zombie dragon I guess to distract it from Arya or something, he even was about to get the epic final duel with the Night King who just has his guys like politely keep him away and not kill him (so he can casually walk into Winterfell rather than just wait for every human to die since he's vulerable to every single weapon they're using?) even though there's like ten thousand of them around Jon, he doesn't even get to do anything cool like realize he's fire proof from being a Targ (like maybe a scene where Jon is grappling with the NK and he yells for Dany to fireblast him to sacrafice himself and then there's the reveal the NK is fireproof and does the smiling at her meme but then Jon runs out bucknaked finding he's fireproof too to nothin personel kid the NK in the back and that's how it's revealed to Dany that they're related and not just because dipshit retard Jon blurts it out to her), so I guess all that prophecy and being resurrected and being one of the only characters to see the Night King twice and survive actually counts for nothing lmao, another thing the actors couldn't keep quiet about
for of course the big meme of fucking le ninja master assassin Arya doing her naruto run and epic kunai move who has nothing to do with this storyline at all, to quote Maisie Williams herself "The hardest thing is in any series is when you build up a villain that's so impossible to defeat and then you defeat them. It has to be intelligently done because otherwise people are like, 'Well, [the villain] couldn’t have been that bad when some 100-pound girl comes in and stabs him'. You gotta make it cool. And then I told my boyfriend and he was like, 'Mmm, should be Jon though really, shouldn't it?'", and doesn't bother to use all her fucking obnoxious training we had to sit through 2 seasons of and still somehow getting past the White Walkers (who literally do nothing the entire battle and the other characters never targeting for no reason even though they already know if they kill the few White Walkers there are it instakills the thousands of zombies they're controlling (also am I right in thinking they're all Crastor's incest rape baby sons? or is there some baby White Walkers still crawling around in the Night King's house lmao?)) and zombies (despite just being shown to have very clear senses enough to hear a drop of blood across a room ) to do an anime leap at the Night King not bothering to use her OP master of disguise shit to pretend to be a White Walker handing him his spear or Bran himself or something like that to use her like... slight of hand skills?... she kinda showed once during the sparring scene with Brie? and the biggest meme ever that the Night King, despite being who knows how fucking old, has such a cold aura he can survive full power dragonfire and is the linchpin of his entire army so probably should not expose himself ever if he's this weak which he should never have to do as he can control infinite proxy soldiers, gets taken out by a 18 year old womanlet stabbing him with a knife lmao that was clearly just for hyping up the soyfaced normies
huh it's almost like you should have just sent an assassin to sneak up and stab him years ago or something if he's just as vulnerable to valaryan steel and dragonglass as the other White Walkers that Jon gets good enough to 1v1 easily, like literally just fire a dragonglass arrow at him, ducktape the knife to a crow and have Bran warg it into his head from a mile off lmao, due to it clearly being signalled to the audience this way from the Drogon scene I was expecting him to be Thanos level durable that you'd have to kill with some weird loophole like Bran has to let him kill him to make Beric the Old God's chosen one as well as Allah's so he can stack Chosen One abilities (maybe a meme here is that Arya is actually the champion of the God of Death or something?), or it's shown the Night King has no weaknesses like the other White Walkers so Bran has to go back in time to when he was made by the Dark God directly or something and learn his weakness from how he was created, or Zombie Viserion's blue fire is shown to injure the Night King by accident so Bran goes Super Wargian Level 3 to control the undead Dragon and can kill the NK with that type of flame because it's the same dark magic that powers him and his army and what Varys saw as a kid, or Bran realizes if he dies while connected to the Old God tree internet he can hack the Night King's myspace and take control of his army so sacrifices himself, or this happens
or here's a good idea I just had with my amazing brain: Bran wargs to the NK's creation and sees that the first Night King was actually a Three Eyed Raven in like caveman times who was warging so back in time himself to see the origin of life that he went before it and exposed himself to the God of Death who was like oh no no nononono to the younger Old Gods trying to gain influence over the mortal realm at the dawn of humanity by making one of them their avatar and Death corrupted this Three Eyed Raven into the Night King who wakes up a blue demon and turns all his followers into White Walkers and raises the dead from their burial grounds and for hundreds of thousands of years (the elves making White Walkers was just them figuring out how to do it themselves to use them as bio weapons against humans since fuck off that's anti-climactic since you want to know why they can't just unmagic them (I also saw in one of those dumb after-show interview things DnD saying the Night King died at the very tree he was created at, which is not hinted in the text anywhere lmao, that it's the same tree or the same character, the elf lady who created him is even there when he attacks her cave and doesn't say shit)) the Night King hunts down the next Three Eyed Raven and possesses this new one and mutates his body into the demonic blue form and uses his warging ability for evil to control an army of the dead and whenever a new Three Eyed Raven discovers his powers he comes for him, and you hint at that throughout like they don't actually show him killing the old man in the cave he just slices at him, maybe he was just cutting his body free to switch to it, and maybe the first two times we see the Night King he has like brands and tattoos you don't see when you see him in Beyond The Wall but he does have scars Bran noticed on the old man, and when Bran learns this he comes up with an epic plan where everything goes about the same except the Night King is shown to be impervious to weapons and the heroes valaryan steel blades and dragonglass arrows just freeze and shatter on contact as he doesn't have these weaknesses and when he confronts Bran he tries to talk to the old man who's body he's using but the Night King says one line to him the old man said to him once but ironically to show he destroyed his mind when he took his body and then he wargs into Bran's body, his pervious body dropping dead as the old 3ER's corpse, and transforms Bran's body into the blue form and stands up with the legs working and becomes so powerful from Bran's abilities that he can resurrect Jon's dragon that died in the crash landing from a mile away without even touching it just by thinking about it and starts reanimating the dead in graveyards all around Westeros and even the crypts under King's Landing start animating and even The Mountain starts to get taken over and lurch towards Cersei since he's basically a zombie already and Jon pathetically tries to attack the Night King who just effortlessly freezes his legs and starts slowly sadistically freezing the rest of his body but then Theon bleeding out on the ground starts laughing and the Night King is like n-nani? as it turns out... Bran had Theon put a valaryan steel dagger in his back before the zombies even got there and snap off the handle to hide it and he has been slowly bleeding to death for the entire siege and the Night King might be invulnerable to outside attack from his freezing abilities and super strong skin but Bran realized he's not immune to whatever weakness the body he takes over is from him wanting a younger 3ER and not some old ass man so he can't do shit about taking over the body of someone who already has a knife in the back and THEN he shatters into ice chunks and the day is saved because Bran and a shit load more characters sacrificed themselves, or just literally anything to do with the mythology surrounding these two characters and not, you know, literally just run up and stab him lmao without learning anything more about him they clearly only had Arya kill him to le subvert your le expectations despite that being impossible since it's [the current year] and everyone gets online and shares their thoughts so those few people who'd always guess a twist can spread that idea to the entire fanbase, like the show runner on Westworld literally changed a twist because someone on reddit guessed it and it changed the rest of the show probably for the worse which is something GRRM talked about: so what if someone guesses the twists, thats better than changing it and fucking up the set-up you've already put in which obviously is what DnD are doing here, and as I think I've said before in this thread having le shocking twists if for brainlets or people who aren't losers who watch way too much tv and movies like me and cant map it all out anyway you should be, you know, providing actually engaging content, but they really couldn't handle any of these supernatural elements at all, I fucking said in the very first scene of this show that adding fucking zombies to this le gritty and grim and grounded medieval political drama was a bad fucking idea, I warned you, I warned you, and now look what you did to ya boi, fucking stabbed by a teenage girl like he walked around London at night
Viserion and one of the other dragons didn't even do the blue fire vs red fire blasting at each other meme that was all over the advertising material for this season, I feel like there must be some content with the NK left, like it does turn out he's a spirit that possesses people to be the Night King, and he still transfers to Bran or Cersei or something, or it does turn out he was Bran from the future and Bran is fated to become him and be killed by his own sister in an infernal loop or eternity, and the final scene is Bran warging his soul back in time to possess some poor First Man to be the Night King after he realizes Dany can't improve the world and all his family gets horribly trotured to death by Cersei and it's always going to be shit so he'll try to end it knowing what he knows now, and the show is who knows how many loops of Bran trying to exterminate humanity over and over again, it's gonna be weird if the next three episodes are fighting Cersei since like yeah they lost almost all their forces but they have Bran who can warg into a crow and control it to just fly in her bedroom and stab her with a poisoned needle or something lmao or one day Qyburn just peels his face off to reveal Arya and stab her or Dany can just have Drogon smash through her apartment and blast her off the face of the planet it's all a bit fucking retarded if she's the final boss after they fight literally an army of zombies and the most powerful evil lord ever, it also kind of fucks up the theme of White Walkers global warming if you can just stab the big baddy and stop the zombies and move onto the next war rather than everyone having to work together to beat them or to have something approaching thematic coherence do something to show the elves that mankind can change, like momentarily teaming up with Cersei or something, to convince the Children of the Forest to not just hide and wait for humanity to die but do something to help them that saves the day, because technically the White Walkers were also caused by humanity like the libcuck soyboy beta males want you to think global warming is since the elf ladies made them to fight back against men encroaching on their habitat as a kind of metaphor for Mother Earth firing back at humanity IRL, so the way to beat this counter-action is to stop doing what caused it: waging war, and if humanity can make peace with itself and the elf girls then that thematically beats the result of so far being unable to have peace, just like how IRL how you beat global warming is to stop doing the shit you were doing that caused it and the power of team-work, but no you just stab the big baddy I guess, maybe the big meme is Cersei outsmarts them all and kills all the heroes and wins lmao and the show just ends with her still on the Iron Throne, delivering a new healthy baby boy to carry on the Lannister name, and she like keeps Tyrion in a cage to force Jaime to be her husband while Dany gets raped by The Mountain who wins his duel against all the other fighters and all the Stark kids heads get put on pikes rofl, but yeah if that's really the end of the Night King and the White Walkers and zombies and the Winter is Coming™ meme after 9 fucking years of build-up without learning anything about the Night King's identity or past, his relationship to Bran, him being the final boss or even him getting literally one line of dialog and getting defeated by... Arya's slight of hand... in a way that literally anyone could have done if they got the drop on them in a way that makes no sense since we've already established Arya needs to sneak like a normal human and can't dash past the zombies super fast like an anime character and that the Night King can generate such low tepratures around him that he can put out fires you'd think he'd use to make sure no one can sneak up on him if that's really the end of 9 years of build up lmao thenthe only thing I'm gonna say is boy am I'm glad I only started watching this shit like three months ago and that the main thing I'm a fan of is the MCU that just wrapped up 11 years of 22 movies this same week in the most satisfying ending of anything ever lmao hit the dab like Thanos in Fortnite I'm outtie
Game of Thrones 8x04: "The Last of the Starks" The Last of the Greenscreen Budget special edition
First aired: May 5, 2019
alright apparently this episode is the lowest rated one ever on IMDb so this should be fun we open panning up the dead body on a pyre of.... j.... yes Jorah, rip you pathetic beta orbiter, and his oneitis finally kisses him..... on the cheek lmao not even on the lips in death you fucking incel and as if to make up for it she kisses him on the forehead again, then we see Sansa mourning over Theon's body, probably the man she had the closest relationship to in her life other than fucking Joffrey before she clocked what a madlad he was, and we see her take off a direwolf sigil pin and give it to Theon on his kraken sigil armor so he dies a true Stark AND a true Greyjoy (which makes me wonder since direwolves are real in this setting does that mean krakens are real too? Ramsay was talking almost as if they were, inb4 the show gets so silly Yara rides a kraken as her mount to kill Euron) and the two mourning women walk back to the crowd watching the... hundreds of bodies piled up, and we see... oh thank god, GHOST SURVIVED! despite still having his fur matted with who knows who's blood, and even he looks sad if only because all the humans are, and Jon steps forward and gives a speech about saying goodbye to their brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers and friends "our fellow men and women who put aside their differences to fight together, and die together, so others might live" and we see the drastically different but still comrades for life Brie and Jaime and he talks about how it's their duty to keep their memory alive forever and announces "they were the shields that guarded the realms of men" showing the Night's Watch actually fucking meant something and did their job finally lmao and he takes a torch and walks to the Northern pyres, Tormund takes a torch and walks to the Wildling pyres, and Dany takes a torch and walks to her armies pyres, and Arya goes to Beric's pyre who gave his life for her, and Sam goes to Edd's pyre who gave his life for him, and Jon goes to Lady Mormont's pyre who backed him to her final, well literally past her final breath since her lungs were crushed by a giant, but that's how hardcore she was, and they all look at each other sad as Dany and Grey Worm put down their torches with them too and light the pyres and Dany cant bare to watch Jorah burn and walks back to the crowd, you know there's a lot more survivors than I thought there'd be but I guess a lot of people managed to survive within the castle walls before Arya did her naruto run shit (that I only just realized was maybe meant to be her... dropping out of the holy white tree or something? I... I don't know), and the camera pans up through the smoke of the burning pyres as everyone tears up
then in the great hall everyone is having a well earned feast and Jon notices how sad Dany is and Gendry awkwardly looks around for Arya wondering if he's been pumped and dumped and considers asking The Hound, thinks better, but then gives in and asks if he knows where Arya is and The Hound admonishes "we can still smell the burning bodies and that's where your head is at?" with some of his old religious friends pious ways rubbing off lmao and he stumbles over his words denying he wants to get laid again but The Hound growls "of course it's about that you TWAT, why shouldn't it be? the dead are dead, you're not" and Gendry storms off but then hears... Dany calling out to him, and everyone freezes and watches as she calls him over and asks "you're Robert Baratheon's son?" and Gendry looks scared at Davos as if he's wondering if this woman with the strongest attempt for the throne is gonna ice him for being the actually most legitimate heir there but Davos nods to him and Gendry just nods to her and Dany gets all uppity saying "you do know your father took my family's throne and tried to have me murdered?" and Gendry just explains "I didn't even know he was my father until after he was dead" and Dany glares at him saying "yes, he's dead, his brothers are too... so who's Lord of Stormsend now?" and he says awkwardly "I don't know your Grace" and she calls out "does anyone?" and everyone gets too shook to answer but she says "I think you should be Lord of Stormsend" and he gets confused and says hes a bastard but Dany officially makes him the heir to Robert on the spot, and Gendry looks around confused that he's suddenly legitimate and a Lord (which wouldn't that mean... he's now the most rightful heir to the throne? since Joffrey was never Rob's kid but now Gendry isn't a bastard anymore? is Dany high or something?), and Davos cuts the tension by raising his cup to "Lord Gendry Baratheon of Stormsend!" and everyone cheers for the brave man who fought for them other than The Hound who just rolls his eyes and keeps eating at all this dumb Lord shit and Dany looks super smug she made everyone happy and shares a smile with Jon and Tyrion points out her good play of appointing a Lord of Stormsend that'll be loyal to her forever and she whispers back "see? you're not the only one who's clever" yeah you're all about the same level of retarded by now and Tyrion looks at Sansa who looks at him extremely autistically and then we see Jaime creepily plying Brie with more wine when she tries to stop drinking since he has no idea how to not be in an abusive relationship and then we see Davos talking to Tyrion about the Red Woman necking herself pondering if it was the Lord of Light who killed killed her and ponders if this god is real then where the fuck he is now but Tyrion warns him pondering those things won't make you happy and warns they still have humans to contend with and Davos deadpans "thank you I feel much better" and downs wine as he looks at all the young volatile leaders they have now with Sansa, Jon and Dany and we see The Hound snatching an entire jug of wine off a maid and then Tyrion going to chat to Bran about his wheelchair and he says it's a design a Targ made for his nephew 120 years ago which by him saying "I liked that one" implies he saw it personally while warging and Tyrion says his abilities will serve him well as Lord of Winterfell but Bran doesn't really want anything in this life anymore and warns Tyrion he shouldn't envy that as he mostly lives in the past now which is sad since he can't change it and if he tries would just fail or realize he's the one who made some bad thing happen he was probably trying to change in the first place and he creepily rolls away like some Professor X shit and then we see Tormund trying to force Jon to keep drinking by raising his glass that's some viking shit made out of an animal horn to the Dragon Queen but Dany one-ups him by raising her glass (just going to get it out the way now: but not her starbucks coffee cup hohohohohoho there get the normie meme out the way since there isn't anything that interesting about a production error like that, if you don't know what I'm talking about and are for some reason reading this someone left a modern day coffee cup on her table in some scene and I can't be fucked to actually spot where) to Arya Stark the hero of Winterfell and everyone stands up and give a huge cheer and it even gets a smile out of The Hound and Tormund chugs the wine he was trying to give to Jon as everyone cheers he's such an alchie
and then Sansa and Dany share an awkward smile and Sansa marches off and Dany sits down uhhh should she be drinking wasn't there some storyline where she's pregnant or am I going insane? there probably will be but oh wait yeah that's Cersei sorry my brain is melting from watching all this shit in like two months and then with Tyrion, Jaime, Brie and a suddenly much older looking Pod they are playing the drinking game Tyrion invented and Jaime accurately guesses that Brie is an only child with Tyrion allowing Jaime to go again much to Brie's annoyance and he somehow accurately guesses she danced with Renly and after she shoots Pod an angry glance and he just shakes his head that he never told anyone she has to down another is Jaime gonna fucking date rape her or some shit and then Tormund is ranting about how he personally saw Jon riding that dragon and asks what kind of man climbs on a fucking dragon (uhhhhhhhhhh him? he himself rode a dragon like a week ago?) and bigging Jon up to all his Wildlings saying that even if he's small (LMAO WHY DO THEY KEEP MAKING FUN OF JON'S HEIGHT?!? ok I need to look up the actors height... ok he's only 5'8" that's my height and it is NOT manlet height that's like half the supposedly big guy for you actors in hollywood) he's strong enough to befriend an enemy, get murdered for it and come back and they all cheer for their leader as Dany looks over concerned that even the Wildlings want to follow Jon as Tormund keeps ranting about how badass he was that he wants to keep fighting so much he'll climb on a dragon and must be a madman or a King and they all cheer again and Jon sees Dany getting booty blasted about him getting all the glory for stealing her gimmick but she forces herself to smile and raise a glass to him but then looks off edgily and glares at Tyrion and Jaime laughing together as if she's pondering killing them and then looks over at Jon without a care in the world and marches off but Varys was watching all that and lurks behind her and then we cut to Brie off her tits forcing Tyrion to drink as she accurately guesses he was married before Sansa and then guesses wrong that he prefers ale and Brie looks like he's about to burst out laughing but then Tyrion kills the mood by guessing "YOU'RE A VIRGIN" I knew it! she is the last incel! other than the Unsullied of course but even Grey Worm gets some now adays
and Brie gets super awkward (even though in this culture a woman being a virgin is considered a virtue and her being an unmarried non-virgin would actually be a massive shame but ok duuuuuude) and Jaime tries to save it by saying that's technically not a guess about her pass but Tyrion rephrases it so it is adding she's never slept with a woman either but Brie just stands up in a huff saying "I have to piss" and walks off and Tormund comes up to Brie ranting about how they killed the icy fuckers and cracks a joke to her table "now which one of you cowards shit in my pants? ...hahahahaah!" what a fucking memer and Brie just awkwardly says "please pardon me for a moment" knowing he's after some after-battle pussy and when Tormund tries to follow Jaime being able to spot a lecherous creeper a mile away from his own antics blocks Tormund from doing so who glares at him but then realizes it's because he fancies Brie too and Tyrion just tops up Tormund's glass to keep him happy there and Pod gives Tormund a big smile as if to say let's be mates but if you bother my Lady I'll fookin rek u m8 and Tormund walks off dejected knowing he's not welcome and Pod gives a friendly smile to a young woman he sees eyeing him up and then we cut to Tormund in tears that "after all that this fucker comes North and takes her from me! I mean it! my heart is broken!" and we and over to him talking to... The Hound lmao who snarls "don't touch me" as he puts his hand on his shoulder but he's saved by some thot called Willa tempting "you can touch me, I'm not afraid of Wildlings" and Tormund plays into it chuckling "maybe you should be" and takes Willa under his arm and teases The Hound "well Clegane, it's time to drown our sorrows" but he snarls "I'm not done with my drink" wanting this crazy fuck to piss off but Tormund ain't talkin about drowning in drink and slithers off to get laid and another cag comes up to The Hound fancying a ride on one of the big heroes of the battle but he's more interested in drinking and he growls in her face "all right!" to make her run off since he's gone volcel (actually maybe The Hound is a virgin? he's bantered about fucking before but we never got any confirmation, maybe that explains his power level)
and Sansa sees there's someone as damaged as her here who can't even have fun at a time like this anymore and goes over to say "she could have made you happy for a little while" but he claims "there's only one thing that'll make me happy" yeah the fucking fanbase at this stage too mate Clegane Bowl! Clegane Bowl! Clegane Bowl! and Sansa asks what and he snaps "that's my fucking business" and she just stares him straight in the eyes working out what it probably is and he notes "used to be you couldn't look at me" and she smiles "I've seen much worse than you since then" and The Hound not so delicately says "yes I've heard, heard you were broken in, heard you were broken in rough" trying to unnerve her so she'll fuck off but she keeps staring at him without even blinking saying "and he got what he deserved, I gave it to him" and he just asks "how?" and when she answers "hounds" it gets a laugh out of him and she smiles and he notes "you've changed Little Bird" and takes a drink and tells her "none of it would have happened if you'd left King's Landing with me, no Littlefinger, no Ramsay... none of it" and Sansa looks a bit sad and takes his hand and tells him "without Littlefinger and Ramsay and all the rest I would have stayed a Little Bird all my life" taking some of Bran's wisdom that your past can all be worth it if you can get your present working because it couldn't have happened without it which is a very nice interpretation of the hopeless determinism that the GoT universe seems to run on lmao and then she stands up to leave before she gets too emotional and The Hound tries not to get emotional himself as he thinks about how that applies to him and maybe he's not just ruined for life and can use his trauma to move forward and then later everyone is absolutely off their fucking tits making out and wrestling and falling about in public as Gendry storms around looking for Arya and then suddenly almost gets shot by an arrow by her lmao and he asks why she's not celebrating but this is her version of celebrating, target practice, and he tells her the news that he's a legitimate Lord now and she tells him "congratulations" meaning it and Gendry grabs her and kisses her overjoyed and tells her frantically he won't be able to do all this without her and then... gets down on one knee and GENDRY PROPOSES TO ARYA asking her to be his wife and Lady of Stormsend and Arya bends down to kiss him... but tells him he'll be a good Lord and any Lady will be lucky to have him... but she's not a Lady and never has been and that life isn't for her and goes back to practising arrows and Gendry tries to cope with getting put in the fuckbuddy zone
then later that night Jaime turns up at Brie's door completely plastered demanding she drink because Tyrion accurately guessed her past and she concernedly tells him this isn't the game it's just drinking lmao as he's becoming an alchie like his big sister but she gives in and downs the glass he offers and then he finds an excuse to strip off his clothes complaining about how big she keeps her fires and when he teases her for being so diligent she just says "piss off" but Jaime gives some honesty back that the first thing he learned in the North is "I hate the fucking North" and Brie claims "it grows on you" and Jaime mumbles "I don't want things growing on me" and teases her about Tormund's interest in her and she teases back a bit more seriously "you sound a bit jealous?" and he admits "I do don't I?" and even though you can hear a draft Jaime claims "it's bloody hot in here" and struggles to undo his shirt with one hand lmao so Brie says "oh move aside" and helps but then... Jaime starts undoing Brie's shirt... and she goes "what are you doing" and he drunkenly deadpans "taking your shirt off" but she moves his one hand away... and starts doing it herself... and then takes his shirt off... and he looks at her in wonder as this taller woman... takes her shirt off for him, shame we don't get to see the goods since the actress has done nude shoots before, and Jaime without a hint of his usual snark says "I've never slept with a knight before" and Brie admits "I've never slept with anyone before" and Jaime says dysfunctional as ever "then you have to drink those are the rules" and before she can reply JAIME STARTS MAKING OUT WITH BRIE AS HARD AS HE CAN so who does that leave, I guess fucking Bran and Varys are the last virgins standing but they're both disablement and don't seem bothered by it, so I guess the twist is that the volcel are the most powerful type of incel afterall
then Dany comes to Jon and asks "are you drunk?" as if she wants a ride on her nephews dick and he looks at her in disbelief but struggles to his feet trying to claim "no... only a little" as he wants that good good aunt pussy too and he starts trying to comfort his lover/aunt that Jorah died the way he wanted to and Dany admits "he loved me and I couldn't love him back, not the way he wanted... not the way I love you... is that all right?" and JON JUST STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIS AUNT DANY AND STARTS TAKING HER TOP OFF but being a massive moralfaggot he stops and Dany cringes saying "I wish you'd never told me, if I didn't know I'd be happier now, I try to forget, tonight I did for a while, but then I saw them gathered around you, I saw the way they looked at you, I know that look, so many people have looked at me that way but not here, not this side of the sea..." since she is a megalomaniac more concerned with Jon being a more popular ruler than her than the whole... you know... fucking your nephew thing, the thing that in this universe seems to give you a coin toss on if your kids will be mental or not, and Jon tries to say "I told you I don't want it" but Dany cries "you didn't want to be King of the North! what happens when they demand you press your claim and take what is mine?!" and Jon bends down and insists "I'll refuse, you are my queen, I don't know what else to say!" (yeah I can tell since you say "muh Queen" every second line of dialog) and Dany gets up in his face and frantically begs him to never tell anyone else and make Bran and Sam swear to keep it secret too with her face going bananas like only Emilia can do or it'll take on a life of it's own and ruin everything and she tries to control herself knowing this'll probably end with her having to kill him but takes his hand and says she wants it to go back to how it was between them but fucking moralfaggot Jon says "I have to tell Arya and Sansa" oh my fucking god you fucking idiot all that's changed is you're not their cousin rather than half-brother, like so fucking what Ned lied about having an affair and your aunt didn't get raped, what of it, and Dany points out obviously Sansa will want him on the throne instead and Jon not knowing his own sister anymore insists "she won't" but Dany points out she's not the same girl anymore "not after what they've done to her" knowing how The Patriarchy™ can turn a sweet girl bad and dumbass shit for brains Jon says "I owe them the truth" but Dany insists it'll destroy them and starts whining "I've never begged for anything, but I'm begging you, don't do this, please!" (actually you dumb thot you begged the counsil in Quarth or wherever for your dragons back lol) and he holds her face and says "you are my Queen and nothing will change that... and they are my family... we can live together" oh my fucking god JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING IDIOT and Dany suddenly maddogs him like a mad cunt and says "we can, I just told you how", what a fucking stupid storyline, agonizingly obviously Jon would need an IQ of about 70 to not keep his trap shut
and then we cut to Brie looking well fucked and asleep and we pan over to a troubled looking Jaime since this is his first time too excluding his sister lmao and then we see Grey Worm collecting the war pieces off Jon's map saying "half are gone" and Jon takes off some pieces saying "the Northmen as well" and we cut back to see Missy, Dany, Varys, Tyrion, a Dothraki leader, Arya, Bran, Lord Glover or whoever, Davos and Brie are all there too assessing the damage to their forces and Varys reminds them "and the Golden Company has arrived in King's Landing courtesy of the Greyjoy fleet, the balance has grown distressingly even" putting pieces for them on the map and Missy is convinced "when the people learn what we've done for them, that we saved them-" but Dany knows "Cersei will make sure they don't believe it" wouldn't there be like thousands of witnesses and undeniable evidence of a massive battle lmao and when Dany talks edgy shit about removing Cersei "root and stem" Tyrion reminds her they're trying to avoid casualties in KL which she doesn't much like and Varys tells them Yara retook the Iron Islands and the new Prince of Dorne also offers his support, I guess that's uhhhh Dron or whatever his name was younger son we haven't seen, and Dany gets mad that Cersei can still call her Queen as long as she sits on the Iron Throne, and Tyrion says he saw the people turn on their King when they were hungry, and Jon suggests starting to starve to city by destroying caravans with their dragons, and if the people figure they're not attacking them since they only want to fuck up Cersei they'll turn on her, and Dany gives in and agrees, but Sansa warns their men are exhausted and need time to rest and heal which to Dany's disgruntlement and she reminds her very annoyed that she came up there to help them at great loss to her forces and now it's reciprocate she can't be whining about resting but Sansa points out it's her people too that need rest and Dany gets all paranoid about her enemies becoming stronger with the nice wee implication being that she means Sansa too and Jon tells his sisters they need to obey their Queen much to Dany's satisfaction and Arya and Sansa's concern and Tyrion sums up if everyone agrees Jon and Davos ride down with the remaining Northern soldiers, Dothraki and Unsullied and the rest of them will sail with the dragons up from Dragonstone and he says Jaime has elected to stay there I guess he doesn't have the bottle to help kill his own sister with is a shame since he thematically should really be the one to kill her and Sansa gives Brie a cheeky look as she knows probably the main reason is if Sansa stays in Winterfell so dies Brie and now that means Jaime wants to stay too for that good good giant pussy and Brie tries to hide her smile and Dany announces "we have won the Great War, now we will win the Last War, in all Seven Kingdoms men will live without fear and cruelty... under their rightful queen" and Sansa gives her a sassy look and Dany sasses back riiiiight you know I only just realized all this talking about the Seven Kingdoms this the Seven Kingdoms that reminds me of them going on about the Nine Realms in the Thor movies constantly but I guess Norse mythology probably gets the original rights for that phrasing anyway then she struts off and Arya tells Jon "we need a word" oh god here we fucking go
then in the surprisingly cleared out gardens Jon is defending Dany to his sisters for saving them in the battle and oh my fucking god the greenscreen the horrible fucking greenscreen my m8y bois they are very clearly not on the usual garden set and it looks absolutely terrible as they're edited in there like cutout png files in photoshop clearly too small for the perspective being used lmao and Sansa defends Arya saying she got the big epic boss kill and Jon defends Dany again says her men all died to protect Winterfell and Sansa starts insisting again not to kneel to Dany and Jon has a fit saying he swore and Arya says she respects that because they needed her... past tense... but now she has to do the right thing telling him they don't trust "his Queen" and Jon looks around in distress and says "you don't know her yet" as if he does? hasn't he talked to her like a total of 8 times lmao?this Jon/Dany romance is really bad since unlike the Jon/Ygritte romance which was good and unlike most fictional romances where the characters are implausibly le destined to le be together by le fate you could see why their personalities meshed well and why they'd have affection for each other with them having a sort of ying/yang thing going on where she was a street smart rough and tumble happy go lucky type that counter-acted his uptight concerned with being honerable brooding so she brought him out his shell and he made her a better person and want to leave the Wildling lifestyle but they also had a lot in common both being very brave and ready to kick some ass so they got on well until their allegiances separated them and Realism Bitch™ stopped them from ever reuniting just like how in real life no matter how perfect you are for someone life might just fuck your shit up and separate you forever but what does he see in Dany? so far it's played and written like he's simply intimidated by her ruthlessness and dragons but needed them and now he's... grateful to her? and what does Dany see in him? other than she's got some mental problems and probably from being raised with her only male role model being her abusive egomaniac brother she has a thing for powerful men and that's really it, they're clearly not compatible because Jon is such a fucking moralfag and not the kind of madlad Dany gels well with due to also being off her nut like Aquaman and Daario was, seems like they were forced together just so the writers could have another incest sex scene lmao according to google Jon and Ygritte's actors were dating IRL which probably explains why they had such good chemistry but it doesn't excuse how Dany and Jon have zero chemistry and it is literally just as awkward as kissing your aunty IRL would be lmao anyway then Jon tells Arya she needs to trust someone more than who she grew up with but Arya edgily says "I'm fine with that... I don't need many allies" ebin and she claims the four of them can do it themselves but Jon broodily says he's never been a Stark but his sisters insist he's their real brother and not just half-brother which is what they still they still think when he's actually their... cousin? and Jon looks to Bran who just says "it's your choice" as if he already knows what he'll say and is just saying well technically he will make a decision since the GoT universe seems to work on pre-destination and he know Jon doesn't really have any free will in the matter and Jon here we fucking go says "I need to tell you something... but you need to SWEAR you'll never tell another soul" oh my fucking god here we fucking gooooo and Sansa and Arya look at each other like here we fucking go too and Jon insists they swear it and Sansa bitchily says "how can I wear not to tell a secret if I don't even know what it is?" deep stuff and Jon snaps "because we're family" and demands of Arya "swear it" and she goes "I swear it" and Sansa just nods and says "I swear it" and Jon.... oh you fucking idiot he cant keep a secret for more than 2 fucking days... he tells Bran "tell them" and Bran sits there autistically and then we cut away since I guess the writers couldn't be fucked having Bran explain all this convoluted family tree Desperate Housewives tier affair drama to the girls lmaoWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JON, STOP FUCKING TELLING EVERYONE YOUR SECRETS THAT'LL DESTROY THE COUNTRY, YOUR DAD TOOK THIS SECRET TO HIS FUCKING GRAVE YOU'RE STANDING A FEW METERS FROM, SHUT YOUR FUCKING GOB, HOW DOES THIS EVEN HELP THE SITUATION? THEY'LL JUST THINK YOU'RE EVEN MORE BIAS AND NOT FIT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS IS RETARDED, GIVE JON SOME FUCKING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AFTER 8 FUCKING YEARS ALREADY SO HE CAN STOP BEING A NAIVE FUCKING BRAINLET no fucking prizes for guessing that Arya and Sansa immediately run tell that to everybody and Dany goes mental about it and tries to kill Jon
then with Jamie and Tyrion they are discussing Brie staying with him and Jaime tries to play it off as she's just staying with Sansa and he cant take the tension anymore and just asks "say something snide" and Tyrion puts on faux shock and says "I'm happy that you're happy!" but then sees he needs a bit of humor about the weird situation of his love life and quips "I'm happy that you'll finally have to climb for it" lmaoooooo and gets a big laugh out his brother and he goes on "do you know how long I've waited to tell tall-person jokes?" and then they clash their drinks to "to climbing mountains" yeah hopefully a certain Mountain gets climbed in the next 2 and a half eps or I'm gonna be mad and Tyrion dares to ask "what's she like down there" and Jaime actually respecting his lover for once snaps "what?! that's not your concern!" and Tyrion whines about how he hasn't been with a woman for years and begs for details and Jaime sneers "you're a dog" and Tyrion quips "I am the IMP and I demand to know!" but then BRONN WALKS IN WITH THE ORNATE CROSSBOW saying "I knew you were fucking her! a pair of tall blond toffs! must be like looking in the mirror!" probably a joke about him fucking his twin usually, wait what? what the fuck is Bronn doing here? this is still Winterfell right? am I fucking high? who the fuck let him in the castle with a fucking loaded crossbow where the King and Queen of the North are sleeping? what the fuck is happening? he literally just walks into the room with them? I thought he'd have to wait until they came back down to Kingslanding or something but he literally just walks in? uhhhh ok duuuuuuuude and Tyrion asks "where's your drink? what are you-... what are you doing up North?" yeah good fucking question and Jaime notices "what are you doing with that?" and the scene is going along at such a lazy pace I know there's no tension and Bronn is just going to put the bow down and tell them Cersei put him up to it and never had any intention of turning on his friends and yeah Bronn admits "oh this? this is fir you, for both of you" as he pulls up a chair and Tyrion insists "you're supposed to be South" and Bronn replies "you two are a pair of gold-plated cunts, do you know that?" lmao he couldn't have come up with Jaime to help with the battle? I guess he knew it was probably going down but elected to just get laid instead lmao, based, and Bronn starts ranting "year after year I have to shovel Lannister shit and what do I have to show?" and Tyrion reminds him "you're a knight thanks to me" but Bronn corrects "thanks to me, and that title's worth about as much as a blond hair from your brother's ballsack" hahaahhaha ok and Tyrion tries to do the Varys meme of "power resides in where men belie-" but Bronn snaps "shut your mouth!" and threatens to hit him if he doesn't shut it and Tyrion calls his bluff but BRONN BUTTS TYRION IN THE FACE WITH THE CROSSBOW and Jaime bolts upright to defend his brother but Bronn holds him at arrow-point and chides "you couldn't do it on your best day you one-handed fuck and your best days are long gone" and Tyrion starts crying he broke his nose but Bronn says "I've been breaking noses since I was your size and I know what it sounds like" and sits down and holds them at crossbow point and starts monologing about how Cersei promised him Riverrun (which I've completely forgotten what that is, the Twin Towers that the Frey's used to have?) but admits "I knew she was dead the second I saw those dragons" and explains he's still going to bet on the Northern army and Cersei can't pay up if she's dead as he downs a drink and explains "of course the odds change if the Queens Hand turns up dead, maybe a few of her top generals get picked off one by one" who does he think he is fucking Agent 47? and Tyrion reminds Bronn of his promise to double anything he's paid and offers him... Highgarden but Jaime calls his bluff and says he wont kill them but BRONN FIRES A BOLT RIGHT NEXT JAIMES HEAD and then.... reloads it within like half a second...... right......... are the writers not aware that this is a one-shot weapon that takes a while to reload? wtf was that? agonizingly obviously that would be the opportunity for Jaime to fight him or at least, you know... call for help in his castle surrounded by guards who should probably keep you know assassins with bows out... this scene is fucking retarded lmao everyone knows nothings going to happen and Bronn threatens he only needs one alive and Jaime refuses to give Highgarden to a cutthroat since he still respects the Tyrell family I guess but Bronn reminds him their family is only rich from being cutthroats like every other house "with a hard bastard who was good at killing people: kill a few hundred bastards they make you a Lord, kill a few thousand they make you a King, and then all your cocksucking grandsons can ruin the family with their cocksucking ways" and downs another drink knowing he's right and insists on Highgarden so Tyrion gives him his word but reminds him they still need to take King's Landing and offers him a place in their army but Bronn insists "my fighting days are done, but I still got a few killing days left in me, I'll come find you when the war is done, until then... don't die" and walks backwards out the door like an anime character as Jaime and Tyrion share a look....... what the fuck was that scene? how the fuck did he get in? wtf is happening? why are they getting shaken down by some shithead like Bronn when they have an army that includes a shapeshifting world-class assassin and a psychic boy who can astral project through time and space and control animals and two giant dragons? why doesn't Jaime just go tell a guard right now to arrest him lmao? what the fuck is happening?
anyway then we see The Hound taking a horse through the snow when he looks over to see "oh for fuck sake" as Arya pulls up beside him and he sadly explains "I don't like crowds" and starts chiding her for being the new hero but Arya just says "I don't like heroes" but The Hound is sure "must have felt good sticking a knife in that horned fucker" and Arya just mumbles "felt better than dying" as they ride together and she realizes "heading to King's Landing" and he says almost sadly as he knows this will probably be his final fight "I have some unfinished business" and Arya says "me too" yeah shoulda really just gone merced Cersei back in the first ep of season 7 and then your side wouldn't have lost most of their Greyjoy fleet and the Dornish and Tyrell armies lmao and they awkwardly look at each other but keep riding together as The Hound warns "I don't plan on coming back" and Arya says "neither do I" as I guess she figures her dumbass retard brother Jon is going to doom their family with his autistic incest ways and mercing Cersei before it all kicks off is the best outcome for them, although maybe she should, you know, fucking tell anyone what he's going to do so they can co-ordinate and not have a pointless war? that too much to ask? and The Hound grumbles to his old companion "gonna leave me to die again if I get hurt?" which cheers Arya up and she smiles a bit and says "probably" and The Hound just smirks, I love these two together even if Arya is obnoxious but they're a good fit for each other
and then we see Dany with her two dragons, who have clearly just eaten a bunch of livestock judging from the burnt skeletons and ashes on the ground, with the green one surviving but he still has a big hole in his wing, and Dany and Drogon watch as he forces himself into the air and manages to flap his wings super hard to take flight anyway, and they both look on proud of him for overcoming his injuries, wonder if they can just like stitch some bedsheets to cover up the hole or something lol
and then Sansa is on the ramparts looking up at Drogon following his brother around as he tries to get the hang of flying with his injuries up in the sky and she looks a bit scared as she knows those things'll probably be turned on them eventually and Tyrion comes up and tries to joke around with his wife but Sansa ain't in the mood and just asks "why her?" and Tyrion tries to tell her she loves Jon but Sansa doesn't think she'll be a good Queen and Tyrion calls out her bias and says the North and Iron Throne working together is vital for peace and Sansa says Jon being Warden will be fine and Tyrion hints that he wont be keeping the position as he'll probably be down South I guess but he's probably implying she'll have the position and Sansa just sighs it's up to him knowing it's probably all fucked anyway as Dany is inevitably going to turn on him and Tyrion asks her to look at him and Sansa struggles to scared he'll be able to figure out she's keeping something important from him and probably about Jon and Dany's relationship but he just assures her she'll be the one with true power and tries to convince her to ally with Dany and Sansa plays it off as no big deal but he knows there's an issue as they look over and see the Unsullied marching out and he tries to reason with her not to provoke her but and Sansa realizes smuggly "you're afraid of her" and Tyrion pathetically says "every good ruler needs to inspire a bit of fear" as if he really is cowtowed by Dany and Sansa admits "I don't want Jon to go down there, the men in my family don't do well in the capital" yeah you can say that again and Tyrion tries to quip that he's not a Stark afterall but it's a bad time for a meme as Sansa looks off super shook knowing who Jon's true parentage is and Tyrion tries to assure her Dany has loyalty because everyone believes she wants to make the world a better place which Sansa just ignores lmao and he walks away sadly but oh here we go SHE COULDN'T KEEP HER FUCKING GOB SHUT FOR TWO FUCKING SCENES she turns and says "Tyrion... what if there's someone else... someone better?" I mean she's probably doing the right thing they really do need to merc Dany and put Jon in place since she's clearly off her nut to anyone who's had more than half a conversation with her so I can't blame her for looking out for her family but I can blame Jon for being so fucking stupid as to genuinely side with Dany and to tell anyone especially his sisters who are obviously going to want whats best for him if the outcome he doesn't want is people trying to overthrow Dany like agonizingly obviously knowing he has a claim to the throne is not going to make them want to side with Dany more what the FUCK is wrong with Jon? ah yes shit writing I forgot
then speak of the autist Jon is getting his horse ready to ride South and Tormund turns up joking about how not riding his dragon instead and Jon says Rhaegal needs to heal without him weighing him down and Tormund jokes "you weigh as much as two fleas fucking" ah another manlet joke nice and Jon laughs at his buds classic sense of humor and Tormund lets him know he's taking the free folk home as they've had enough of the South and leans in to admit "the women down here don't like me" still asshurt about Brie turning him down and Jon reminds him of the meme that this is actually the North and says he's welcome to stay aka he needs their numbers in his army lol but Tormund just shrugs "it isn't home" and says he'll take them back to Castle Black once the winter storms pass which might be a fucking while, don't know why they even bother since Castle Black is to keep away the White Walkers that are gone and the Wildlings that are... living there lol, and Jon looks at Ghost and figures "it's where he belongs too, a direwolf has no place in the South... will you take him with you? he'll be happier up there" and Tormund tells him seriously "so would you" and Jon admits "I wish I was going with you... this is farewell then" and Tormund gives him a loving hug saying "you never know" and assures him "you got the North in you, the real North!" and then walks off, aww sweet Tormund (who's a savage who butchered civilians and showed zero signs of changing in any way lmao) and then Sam and Gilly turn up and they awkwardly nod to each other and Jon gives Gilly a hug and feels something... and looks down in shock, and she looks happy, and Sam just smiles and nods as... SAM FINALLY GOT GILLY PREGNANT!no more my wife's father's brother-son memes for him and he makes jokes about how there's not much to do in Oldtown and Gilly assures her awkward husband "I'm sure he know how it happens Sam" and tells him confidently "if it's a boy we want to name him Jon" having lost her thick mumbling accent completely and talking quite eloquently now and Jon cringes and says "I hope its a girl" and looks down sad like he hates being himself and wouldn't wish it on anyone else and Sam can tell he's got so much weight on his shoulders so doesn't say anything and they just hug tightly like brothers and Sam tears up and tells him "you're the best friend I ever had" and Jon starts tearing up too and says "you too Sam" and walks off giving one last look to Ghost who despite having half a fucking ear bitten off still paces towards him expecting to follow his master anywhere and Jon looks briefly proud and walks off and Ghost looks down sad he's going off without him as he gets on his horse and rides out with Davos leaving Tormund, Sam, Gilly and even Ghost walks off to watch Jon leave awww
and then with Dany's remaining fleet Grey Worm and Missy are standing on the mastership with her looking happily at him that they both survived but she looks over to see he's frowning probably about all the men he lost but she takes his hand and gets a smile out of him as they approach Dragonstone or whatever Stannis' old castle was called and inside the ship Tyrion is drunk and talking to Varys about how all the shit that went down in the last 20 years all happened because Robert Baratheon loved someone who didn't love him back and I guess he's fucking told Varys who just wants to get down to the nitty gritty of "how many others know?" and Tyrion answers "including us? eight" so who is that? first was Sam and Bran discovering it who told Jon who told Dany who told Arya and Sansa who told Tyrion who told Varys who concludes oh the tea has well and truly been spilled sis explaining "well then it's not a secret anymore, it's information: if a handful of people know now then hundreds will know soon, then what happens?" and Tyrion figures "she loses the North, she loses the Vale, Sansa will make sure of that" but Varys knows "its worse than that, he has the better claim to the throne" thanks patriarchy and Tyrion tries to avoid the obvious by saying "he doesn't want the throne" but Varys knows "it doesn't matter what he wants, the fact is people are drawn to him: Wildlings, Northmen, he's a war hero" yeah he sure is a charming one that gormless retard Jon but Tyrion says "he loves our Queen.... and she loves him... if we marry them they could rule together?" but Varys reminds him "she's his aunt" rofl but Tyrion reminds him "that never stopped a Targaryen before" oh muh incest and Varys reminds him that ain't normal for the North and probably knowing the answer full well tries to appease Tyrion's anxiety by making him feel needed and asks "you know our Queen better than I do, do you think she wants to share the throne?" and Tyrion gives him a shifty look as if he knows he's trying to manage him and Varys warns "she doesn't like having her authority questioned" and Tyrion tries to hide from the reality by saying "something she has in common with every monarch who ever lived" and Varys admits "I worry about her state of mind" and Tyrion reminds him that's their job and looks down sadly and then suggests the outcome "maybe Cersei will win and kill us all, that would solve our problems" lmao and the anchors get dropped down as the Targ fleet arrives back at homebase and the two dragons over the ships with Dany on board the bigger one as they fly towards the castle whRHAEGAL TAKES A BALLISTA BOLT TO THE CHEST OUT OF NOWHERE OH SHIIIIIIIIIT
AND HE TAKES ANOTHER THROUGH HIS WING AAAAAAAAA AND HE TRIES TO PULL THE ONE IN HIS CHEST OUT BUT ANOTHER HITS HIS FUCKING NECK NOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA AND HE FLAILS ABOUT SPEWING A HUGE TORRENT OF BLOOD OUT OF HIS MOUTH
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF AIMBOT BULLSHIT IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS? REPORT THESE HACKERS!!!
AND HE WRITHES AROUND IN THE AIR BUT CANT KEEP HIS WINGS MOVING AND GARGLES BLOOD INTO THE AIR AND JUST TIPS OVER PLUMMETING DOWN GIVING ONE LAST AGONIZED SCREECH THAT ECHOS OVER THE SEA AND TYRION AND VARYS RUSH TO THE DESK TO SEE RHAEGALS CORPSE CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN
AND DANY DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO REACT AS SHE DODGES OUT THE WAY OF A FOURTH BALLISTA BOLT FLYING RIGHT BY HER AND SHE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE... THE IRON FLEET, WITH EVERY BOAT ARMED WITH A BALLISTA OH SHIIIIIIT AND EURON IS MANNING THE ONE ON HIS MASTERSHIP AND TAKES AIM AT DROGON AND DANY SUPER MADDOGS HIM AND MAKES A "EEEEEH!" NOISE AS SHE LEANS IN TO SEND DROGON FLYING DOWN DIRECTLY AT THE FLEET OF DOZENS OF SHIPS
AS EURON HAS HIS MEN READJUST THE BALLISTA TO FOLLOW THEM DOWN AND DANY STARTS PANTING WITH DETERMINATION AS DROGON SETS INTO A DIVE AND EURON'S FACE GOES FROM A GRIN TO SERIOUS AS HE SEES THE DRAGON HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIM AND DANY SCREAMS "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!" DIVEBOMBING HIS SHIP LIKE A FUCKING KAMAKAZI PILOT
AND EURON FIRES AND ALL OF HIS OTHER SHIPS FIRE TOO FORCING DANY TO TAKE DROGON ON EVASIVE MANOEUVRES TO AVOID THE BOLTS FLYING AT THEM AND THEY JUST HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT OF THEIR RANGE AND DANY LOOKS SUPER RUSTLED AND HER OWN FLEET LOOKS UP AS SHE GOES IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION WITH DANY LOOKING SAD... BUT THEN EURON GETS A FUN IDEA AND AIMS HIS BALLISTA... AT DANY'S FLEET!
AND GREY WORM CAN ALREADY TELL WHATS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND ORDERS MISSY "GET TO THE SKIFF... NOW!" AND THE MUSIC GETS INTENSE AS THE MEN ALL RUSH TO THEIR BATTLE STATIONS AND EURON GETS A HUGE GRIN AND FIRES FOLLOWED BY ALL HIS OTHER SHIPS AS... DANY'S SHIPS ARE TORN APART BY MASSIVE BALLISTA BOLTS!!!
AND GREY WORM IS KNOCKED OFF HIS FEET AND TYRION RUNS AS FAST AS HIS LITTLE LEGS CAN CARRY HIM AS HIS SHIP HIS TORN APART AND A BALLISTA WHIZZES OVER THE DECK TAKING APART THE RAILINGS RIGHT BESIDE HIM AND THE STAIRS HE WAS HEADING FOR GET TORN APART ALONG WITH A SOLDIER TOO
SO HE TURNS BACK AND AS THE OTHER RAILINGS AND MASTS ALL AROUND HIM ARE GETTING SHREDDED HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO JUMP OVERBOARD INTO THE SEA AND WHEN HE SWIMS TO THE SURFACE HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE MAST COLLAPSING ON TOP OF HIM
and cut to black wooo boiiiii and then on the shores of Dragonstone the crew of Dany's ships are washing up on the beach and Varys is with Tyrion (who I guess survived getting crushed by a mast fine ok duuuuuuuuuuuuude) looking like he's about to fucking vomit and Grey Worm staggers up as he looks back to see the ruined ship but he's only got one thing on his mind and starts screaming for Missy and without even thinking he runs back into the ocean and swims out to find her, welp two dragons down one to go, seems a bit narrative convenient that there's only one left to deal with now and of course it was the secondary dragon not her main mount and it seems a bit contrived she wouldn't see, you know, an entire fleet of enemy warships in the, you know, ocean from, you know, flying in the fucking air which the only point of should be to scout ahead, in the after-show thing DnD literally explain this as "Dany kind of forgot the Iron Fleet" lmao what?, like at least make this more believable by having it be really foggy and at night so she can't see the fleet but Rhaegal cheekily spits some fire at his brother to give away his position or something and you'd think if dragons were such important war tools someone would have invented a big ass crossbow before
but I am a sucker for characters suddenly getting blown away out of nowhere for Realisms Bitch™ so go ahead and just fuck all my favorite characters up the ass its whatever at this stage
and then back in KL Cersei is watching out her window as a crowd of shitty CGI people gather and she asks Qyburn "our message was well received then?" and he says "your people have heard the Usurper is coming, they are grateful for your protection within the walls of the Red Keep" and Cersei who is looking very done up in the make-up department wants to make sure the dragon is dead and Euron slithers up assuring her he saw it sink and Cersei teases "that must have been glorious" and Euron bigs up the dedication by getting down on his knees and assuring her "the glory is yours my Queen" and Cersei takes his chin in her hand and assures him "when the war is over the Lion shall rule the land, the Kraken shall rule the sea... and our child shall one day rule them all" and Euron struggles to maintain his composure at the news and looks at Qyburn for confirmation as Cersei is trying to play off her pregnancy by her brother as his like she did to Robert lmao but methinks Euron isn't as (probably wilfully) ignorant as Rob and will call BS as soon as he sees some blonde hair and merc them both or some shit and he holds Cersei but then reminds her "she's coming for you" and Cersei sneers "of course she is, keep the gates open, if she she wants to take the castle she'll have to murder thousands of innocent people first" using the ol Colonel Gaddafi "offer citizens refuge in my palace... to use as human shields lmao" gambit and then she walks off and quips "so much for the Breaker of Chains" as it's revealed THEY HAVE MISSY HELD CAPTIVE uhhhh how did Euron even know she's important? because she was at the parlay in the season 7 finale? or maybe because she was in the skiff and she'd be important to be given the escape boat I guess although I'm wondering if Euron's fleet fucked up Dany's fleet why didn't he just... you know... siege the beach and kill all of Dany's remaining forces? scared of Drogon coming back? well they have like dozens and dozens of ballistas so...
and back in Dragonstone, which is far closer to KL than Winterfell so Cersei should have really figured out Dany was using as a staging ground and tried to take it back or fill it with boobytraps or just demolish it or something, as Dany tips over one of the wargame pieces of a dragon a rustled Grey Worm assures her "we will storm the city my queen, we will kill your enemies, all of them" hyped up about Missy missing and probably dead and Varys tries to speak up saying "Your Grace... I promised you I'd look you in the eye and speak directly if I ever thought you were making a mistake" and she just maddogs him as he says "this is a mistake" as he stares right back and Dany rants "you saw my child fall from the sky" OH MY GOD SHE REALLY IS YE OLDE FACEBOOK DOG MOM and he nods and she adds "they took Missandei" WAIT HOW DO THEY KNOW SHE'S CAPTURED AND NOT DEAD? ploooot hooooooooole I guess just wishful thinking unless Cersei sent them a raven about it and Varys assures her "Cersei needs to be destroyed but if we attack King's Landing with Drogon and the Unsullied and the Dothraki tens of thousands of innocents will die" wait I thought we saw all the Dothraki and Unsullied get zombie'd last episode like literally we saw it happen on-screen or were there reserves of the inside the castle or did some just like run away from the battle during the carnage lol and he spells it out obviously "that is why Cersei is bringing them into the Red Keep" and how does he know oh why do I even ask and Dany just maddogs him but looks down a bit and he literally begs her "do not destroy the city you came to save" literally why would she even consider this other than she's off her nut? just do the meme of starving them out until they believe they just want Cersei gone and abandon her, it's not like there's a time constraint now the Night King got anime'd, and he goes on "do not become what you have always struggled to defeat" and Dany looks at him completely deadeyed and asks "do you believe we're here for a reason, Lord Varys?" and he gets shook seeing it's hopeless and she tells him "I'm here to free the world from tyrants... that is my destiny... and I will serve it no matter the cost" and grimaces and walks off right time to nuke some civvies for no fucking reason then this will definitely get her more supporters good idea and Tyrion warns while studying the warmap "it could be a fortnight before Jon and the allied armies make it to King's Landing" and suggests offering Cersei her life for a surrender but Dany shakes her head slightly and Tyrion insists they make the effort to avoid a slaughter but Dany is assured "speaking to Cersei will not avoid a slaughter... but perhaps it's better for the people to see that Daenery's Stormborn made every effort to avoid bloodshed... and Cersei Lannister refused, they should know who to blame when the sky falls down upon them" as her flicker around as she games it out and then looks up with disgust for Cersei making her do this wtf Emilia Clark suddenly learned how to act and Tyrion looks sad as there's no way to avoid the carnage and Varys just shuts his gob
then in the throneroon Varys tells Tyrion "I've served tyrants my whole life, they ALL talk about destiny" and Tyrion reminds him "she's a girl that walked into a fire with three stones and walked out with three dragons, how could she not believe in destiny?" yeah it's almost as if she's a Mary Sue in a contrived story! and Varys figures "perhaps that's the problem? her life has convinced her that she was sent here to save us all" and Tyrion still cant face the music and asks "how do you know she wasn't?" and Varys just ignores him as he's unable to stand the heat but cant get out the kitchen and brings up "and then there's the problem of Jon Snow" using that last name that doesn't really apply anymore to try and get Tyrion thinking logically again and he suggests "perhaps it's actually a solution? you know them both, tell me, who do you think would make a better ruler?" and Tyrion just looks sad pouring more wine and says "he doesn't want to rule that's why he bent the knee" and Varys does the meme "have you ever thought the best person to rule might be someone who doesn't want to rule?" and Tyrion warns him "we're discussing treason" and Varys chides "don't pretend you haven't thought about it" and Tyrion says "of course I've thought about it, thoughts aren't treason" well Dany would probably disagree lel and Varys keeps at it "he's moderate, he's temperate, he's a man, which makes him more appealing to the lords of Westeros, who's support we are going to need" and Tyrion goes full tumblr "Joffrey was a man, I don't think a cock is a true qualification as I'm sure you'd agree" but Varys reminds him "and he's the heir to the throne, yes, because he's a man, cocks are important I'm afraid" lmao Varys is a Level 5 MGTOW trying to redpill Tyrion that women are shit leaders thanks patriarchy and Tyrion slurs "what about my earlier proposal? they could rule as King and Queen" but Varys knows "she's too strong for him, she'd bend him to her will as she already has" lmao beta male Jon already pussywhipped and by his aunt no less and Tyrion mumbles hopelessly like he can barely even bother to pretend this wont end in a nightmare "he could temper her worst impulses" and Varys points out "as you have?...... you're drinking quite a lot...... a Targaryen father and a Stark mother, Jon's the one man alive who might actually be able to keep the North and the Seven Kingdoms" wait is the North not one of the 7 Kingdoms? I just realized I don't even know what all 7 are, all I remember is Dorne isn't one of them and Tyrion snaps "how many King's have you served? 5? 6? 7? I've lost count" and Varys drawls "you've always known my reasons" but Tyrion keeps prodding his flip flopping and Varys growls "even if you know it's a mistake?" and Tyrion has no other option so pathetically says "I believe in our Queen, she'll make the right choice... with the help of her LOYAL advisers" but Varys insists "you know where my loyalties lie, you know I'll never betray The Realm" and Tyrion goes full Maggy Thatcher and argues "what IS The Realm? a vast continent home to millions of people most of whom don't care who sits on the Iron Throne!" and Varys reminds him "millions of people who will die if the wrong person sits on that throne, we don't know their names but they're just as real as you and I, they deserve to live, they deserve food for their children"yeah! off-screen NPC rights now! and Tyrion looks up sad as Varys assures him "I will act in their interest no matter the personal cost" and Tyrion just looks like hes about to cry from how better a person Varys is than him as he whines "and what happens to her?" and when Varys gives him a dodgy look he begs "please... don't" knowing it'll cost him his life and Varys just says "I've spoken as honestly as I can, each of us has a choice to make, I pray we choose wisely" as if even he's looking to mysticism now
then back at Winterfell Jaime walks out to see the NPCs rebuilding the castle and spots Brie and Sansa reading a note and he looks rustled that he doesn't have her all to herself so follows them into a courtyard and asks what happened as they look concerned and Brie gives him the bad news of the day and Sansa gives him a cunty look "I always wanted to be there when they execute your sister, seems like I wont get the chance" and walks off and Brie looks concerned at her sadistic attitude and Jaime just looks sad at his JUSTed life and inside is worrying by himself over what'll happen to his sister and KL and he looks behind at Brie back in his bed and is worried about how she'll take it if he does what he's about to do which is leave and she sits up hearing the door close and looks around worried an then outside he's fiddling to get his horse ready with his one hand as Brie comes up somehow only wearing a cloak in the freezing winter weather at night and DAMN that bitch is tall warns him "they're going to destroy that city, you know they will" but Jaime just asks "have you ever run away from a fight?" and she passionately grabs his face forcing him to look at her and insists "you're not like your sister, you're not, you're better than she is, you're a good man and you can't save her, you don't need to die with her, stay here... stay with me... please... stay" and breaks down crying as she's finally found a man who'll love and respect her but Jaime just tears up and says "you think I'm a good man?" and she looks scared as she knows he's right and he reminds her "I pushed a boy out a tower window, crippled him for life, for Cersei... I strangled my cousin with my own hands... just to get back to Cersei... I would have murdered every man woman and child in Riverrun... for Cersei" and Brie gasps at the horror of the situation and Jaime admits "she's hateful... and so am I..." wait... what? wh-... why's he... what's happening now? is he going to confront Cersei to get her to call off Bronn so he doesn't hurt his brother or something? no that would be vaguely coherent I think this is for real
and Brie breaks down in emotional agony as her first love PUMPS AND DUMPS HER to go fuck his sociopath mass murdering sister who just sent a hitman after him lmao, this is pretty fucking retarded since obviously when he left KL it was in the knowledge that Cersei is in ride or die more and will never stop trying to fuck over her rivals even if zombies are coming to kill them all to the extent that she threatened him and he went up to Winterfell ready to ride or die himself for the good of the Realm and has just found love with the first actual healthy relationship of his life after surviving hell itself... why the fuck is he going back to Cersei? because he heard she's probably going to die? he already fucking knew that when he went up there, you'd think they could have hinted that having sex with Brie actually didn't make him happy at all and just reminded him of how much he's perfect in a fucked up twisted way for Cersei or something, but it was only a problem when they told him what the letter said, and it just makes Jaime seem like a fucking idiot if he went up there to throw his life away for the battle but like didn't figure he'd probably never see his sister again lmao
then on a dodgy greenscreen effect we see the Unsullied army during the day and we pan over Grey Worm, Varys, Dany and down to Tyrion all looking up at... Cersei, Euron, The Mountain and Missy on top of the front gate of King's Landing that also has dozens of ballistas mounted along the wall and we pan around to see they're all pointed at the gang of four main characters and only like 100 Unsullied and Drogon is pacing around angrily in the background uhhhhh couldn't they very easily just kill all of Dany's forces here lmao? like just start shooting at Drogon since he's her best asset and take her out too wtf, but ok duuuuuuuuuuuude and the Unsullied all snap into formation as Dany maddogs Cersei who looks super smug at her and then.... the gates open... the reveal Qyburn walking out by himself... who walks across the open ground as Cersei shuffles a bit impatiently as she wants to see her brother put in an awkward situation and his face trips him as he walks out to meet Qyburn, two Hands of their Queens, and Dany tenses up as Cersei looks super smug as the men meet
and Qyburn says "my Lord" smuggly but Tyrion just says "Queen Daenerys demands Cersei's unconditional surrender and the immediate release of Missandei of Naarth" and Qyburn replies "Queen Cersei demands Daenery's unconditional surrender, if she refuses Missandei of Naath will die here and now" awwwwwwwww shit and Tyrion's face twitches and he tries "Qyburn... you're a rational man" and Qyburn quips "or so I flatter myself, my Lord" but Tyrion ain't in a memeing mood and warns "we have a chance here... perhaps our last change to avoid carnage..." and Qyburn agrees "yes" and Tyrion begs "help me, I don't want to see this city burn, I don't want to hear the screams of children burning alive" and Qyburn creepily says "no, it is not a pleasant sound" and Tyrion awkwardly tries again "I... I don't want to hear it? help me save this city" and Qyburn just looks at him like he doesn't really give a shit at all and has no attachment to any of this as he says "my Lord, I only a mouthpiece for our Queen" and Tyrion reminds him "your Queen" but Qyburn reminds him "Queen Cersei is Queen of the Seven Kingdom's, you are her subject" and Tyrion knows "her reign is over, you understand this, help her understand it" and Qyburn tells him "we understand nothing of the sort... your Queen's last dragon is vulnerable, your armies are battle-weary and depleted, while ours have been reinforced with the Golden Compan-" yeah almost like you should SHOOT DROGON RIGHT NOW huh retard
but Tyrion just walks by this little shit straight towards the gates of his old home as Dany looks on concerned and he marches straight up to the front door and a captain orders his men to nock their bows and draw as they take aim at Tyrion and everyone tenses up as he keeps approaching and looks up at his sister... who breathes heavy... and raises an arm... and smiles... as if he's about to fucking cum at the power she holds of having her little shit brother shredded any second she wants... but she puts her hand down (which is thankfully not misinterpreted by her captains as "let the arrows go" lmao)
and the archers lower their bows and everyone sighs with a bit of relief and Cersei looks mad at Tyrion like she hates that she still cares about him a little and Tyrion says awfully quiet for a small man so far down "I know you don't care about your people... why should you? they hate you and you hate them!.... but you're not a monster... I know this... I know this because I've seen it... you've always loved your children... more than yourself... more than Jaime... more than anything... I beg you... if not for yourself then for your child... your reign is over... but that doesn't meant your life has to end... it doesn't mean your baby has to die..."hang on a fucking minute... doesn't Euron wonder how Tyrion knows she's pregnant if he thinks he only knocked her up a few weeks ago lmao? fucking dumbass pirate cuck
and for that matter shouldn't her baby bump be showing by now? how does time even move on this show? and Cersei gets super teared up and looks around awkwardly as she hates that he's right and she sighs and swallows hard as she considers just surrendering... but then she looks back over at Dany... who maddogs her... and then Cersei takes Missy's arm... and Dany walks over with Grey Worm right beside her... and Tyrion braces himself as Cersei whispers to Missy "if you have any last words now is the time" and Missy looks down defeated but gathers her wits and makes eye contact with Grey Worm and gives a little nod to him... and Dany braces herself for the horror... as Missy says... again a bit quiet for such distance "DRACARYS" ooh you fucking cunt, should have just fucking grabbed Cersei and jumped off the wall to kill her too lmao since she's gonna die anyway
and Dany gets the message and Cersei smiles as if she would literally prefer King's Landing to get nuked along with her rather than them just usurp her a more tactful way now that she's chosen to go out fighting and Tyrion whispers to himself "no..." as Cersei gives into the darkness and turns to the abomination of what's left of The Mountain and he simply walks forward... puts his hand on his sword... and to Grey Worms horror... he takes it out... and THE MOUNTAIN BEHEADS MISSANDEIEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 140 and there's a great take from Grey Worm where he has to turn around as he looks like that meme of the kid trying not to shit himself in class
as he's about to vomit seeing the first and last and even if he survives probably only love of his horrible mutilated life killed and dropped off a wall like a stray dog
and he struggles to compose himself as Cersei looks down super smug like she loves emotionally abusing her little brother one last time by killing his friend and dooming everyone there to burn in hellfire in this life or the next and Dany struggles to compose herself too but steels herself by glaring daggers at Cersei until she's focused only on vengeance and just walks away and Tyrion looks around defeated that there will not be any peace and Cersei glares down at him like fuck it all bitch and Dany storms away with her face barely containing her rage JUST FUCKING SHOOT DANY AND DROGON RIGHT NOW YOU DUMB THOT
alright well that was a very well acted scene even if the logic of it is a bit wonky like the only reason Dany's party are alive is that Cersei is as off her nut as she is and wants carnage like they got 3 for 3 hits on the green dragon who's name I already forgot from floating platforms as he's flying in the air like a mile in the sky but can't hit a stationary Drogon from a stationary platform when he's only like 300m away? why would Dany even let Drogon just pace around in the background? he's her only real way to beat Cersei in a full on war lmao
and rip Missy who never really god any character development other than her relationship with Grey Worm which didn't change or display anything new about her since she seemed like an understanding compassionate person from when we first met her and of course that characterization is thrown out the window since this is season 8 and she uses her last words to ensure mass death and I get that her being dead is meant to explain why Dany will be acting so emotionally compromised in the next two eps I assume but she had already made the decision to nuke KL and just wanted to blame Cersei for not surrendering so it's kind of a pointless point, overall the episode had more drama action and actual action than the first two but is still very "housekeeping" of moving shit around to be in the right place and position for the story to continue and there were a lot of dodgy scenes like the retardation with Bronn and Jaime flip flopping on his character development and maybe I'd bring up Jon spilling the beans, tea and milk all in one go but honestly that's completely consistent with his very well established charaterization of being a massive fucking idiot so whatever and there's also the question as to why Cersei is suddenly omnicidal when her whole character is being motivated by her children but I guess we just have to assume she doesn't trust Dany to let her live since now we are well into the characters serving the story where there needs to be a big climax war rather than the story serving the characters like it was in the first half of the show since DnD and for that matter no other writers in hollywood can write the sociological based stories GRRM seems to be able to where the characters are effected by the world around them like in real life and not the usual generic contrivred the world revolves around the main casts interpersonal drama while everyone else is a placeholder NPC bullshit that's on every other TV show and now this one also uhhhh is it just me or wasn't King's Landing surrounded by forrest and not... like... empty desert? thanks global warming I guess speaking of which I guess it's fair to say that we're not getting anymore Night King or White Walker content which is very lame but something that doesn't really sit well with me at all even within the universe is like why do none of the characters care about that lmao don't you think they'd be asking questions like so who the fuck was that dude who can raise zombies and wtf did it have to do with Bran and aren't we lucky he mighta been fire proof but he wasn't Valyrian steel proof? it's like the writers were embarassed to have the zombies in the show and just want all the characters to not mention it lul, and they dont even have the excuse that they're handling someone elses story since they came up with the idea for the Night King since he's not in the books
and as if to let you know that indeed some quite dank ass shit is gonna happen this ep the previously on segment ends with the shot of Dany watching Missy get beheaded and there's like voice overs of Varys saying "he has the better claim to the throne" Cersei saying "every time a Targyarian is born the God's flip a coin" old Barry may he rip saying "the Mad King gave his enemies the justice he thought they deserved" Tyrion saying "children are not their fathers" Lady Tyrell saying "be a dragon!" Jorah assuring her "you have a gentle heart" old Maester Aagon or whatever saying "a Targyrian alone in the world is a terrible thing" and Viserion (the human) threatening "you don't want to awake the dragon do you?" and then there's suddenly an ear-rape sound effect of static and human screaming lmao as if to depict the inner struggle in her (including sentences that she'd never heard before) and it was pretty weird since it's like giving us character information you'd think would actually be in the show but in a way that's pretty corny and obviously put together by a separate team most likely but it feels like almost a fucking fan-edit to try and add more context to the show or something so uhhhhhh yeah we're in for a ride I think
and we open on Varys composing ye olde tweet with Jon's full doxx in it and he gets a knock on the door and covers the letter as he brings a nervous little girl in who tells him "she wont eat" and he taps nervously on the table and he says "we'll try again at supper" and she warns him that her soldiers are watching her but Varys reassures her that "of course they are, that's their job" and holds out a hand to hold hers so we feel bad for him telegraphing something bad will happen to him lol and asks "what have I told you Martha?" WHY'D YOU SAY THAT NAME sorry and she answers "the greater the risk the greater the reward" idk not always people do some dumbass shit for no reason (like writing this thread lmao) and he sends her off back to the kitchen, I wonder where Dany got all the staff for Dragonstone? like is that girl a Dothraki or from Meereen or what? and they just brought her with them? ok duuude
and then on the shore we see Tyrion looking edgily at Varys as he welcomes Jon ashore who tells him his army will be at KL in two days and Varys tells him Dany hasn't left her chambers or eaten any food since the drama, lol Dany has become pro-ana and Varys notes that Jon's worried for her and when he asks isn't he he says he's worried for them all and tells the meme about the gods flipping a coin to see if a Targ will be mental or not and dopey as fuck Jon says "we not much for riddles where am frum" the way the Northerners are depicted in this show is literally like the DA NORF meme making fun of Northern English "nah do poofta riddles up ere mate, jus set me staffy Ghost on a cunt and go for a chippy we the lads, simple as" is basically Jon's entire characterization and Varys warns Jon "we both know what she's about to do" and Jon being the muh honor retard he is says that's her choice as Queen but Varys goes full r/mensrights and says "men decide where power resides whether or not they know it" and Jon insists "what do you want?" and Varys says "what I've always wanted: the right ruler on the Iron Throne, I still don't know how her coin has landed" you know it'd make a lot more sense for it to have been Varys who arranged for Joffrey's death and not CIA since his reasoning of "lol it was just something to do at random so I'm le unpredictable" was incoherent and he could have got Sansa out of KL some other way but the result was the more stable Tommen on the throne which Varys would have supported but oh well motivations that make sense are long gone by now but Varys assures Jon "but I'm quite certain about yours" and Jon looks around even more burdened than usual and insists "I don't want it, I never have" and Varys sighs and says "I have known more Kings and Queens than any man living, I've heard what they say to crowds and seen what they do in the shadows, I have furthered their designs however horrible, but what I tell you now is true: you will rule wisely and well, while she-" but Jon insists "she... is my Queen" and storms off because he's such a fucking faggot about his worthless oaths that he should have really learned by now gets Stark's killed
then in the planning room Tyrion comes in to see Dany who's staring out to sea, probably thinking about her dragon's body under the waves, and he tells her "there's something you need to know" and Dany already figures "someone has betrayed me" (which I guess is why she's not eating? she's scared someone will poison her?) and a scared Tyrion says "yes" hoping she doesn't think it's him but she guesses "Jon Snow", which she's right about since he told his sisters their secret for literally no reason lmao, and he tries to big himself up to say "Varys" and a very tired looking Dany deduces "he knows the truth about Jon" and Tyrion knows what that would mean but admits "he does" in a quiet voice and Dany knows the only possibility is "because you told him" I guess maybe that was Cersei's play, she knows Dany is known to be extremely ruthless, so if she puts her in a position where everyone knows she'd probably go apeshit and nuke King's Landing, her own people will try to stop her, saving her the trouble, which would be a great angle but this is season 8 we're talking about so who knows when it comes to good writing, and Tyrion cant say anything as Dany games it out "you learned from Sansa and she learned from Jon though I begged him not to tell her, as I said... he betrayed me" and looks at him dead-eyed as if now that Jorah is dead the only "person" she can trust left is her fucking dragon and Tyrion tries to say "I'm glad Sansa told me, I am your Hand, I need to be aware of any threats you're facing" and Dany semi-threatens "and Varys?" and Tyrion tries to save his friend "the Master of Whispers needs to be aware too" and Dany admonishes him "you spoke to him first, without coming to me, without asking my permission" and Tyrion gets super shook and admits "it was a mistake" and Dany just glares at him and asks "why do you think Sansa told you? what do you think she hoped to gain?" and he tries to cover for her too scared of Dany going after her and says "she trusts me" and Dany says with barely contained rage "yes... she trusts you... she trusted you to spread secrets... that could destroy your own Queen... and you did not let her down" and scary music starts up quietly in the background as Tyrion begs "if I have failed you my Queen forgive me... our intentions were good... we wanted what you want, a better world, all of us, Varys as much as anyone" and Dany just maddogs him and Tyrion nods knowing there's no talking his way out of this one and realizes "but it doesn't matter now" and Dany agrees "no... it doesn't matter now" and she just turns back to staring out to sea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I really like scary Dany lmao why couldn't she have been this interesting the entire show, but also I think what's happening here is Tyrion is betraying Varys? I guess he is worried that if Varys tries to replace Dany with Jon it will backfire so bad it'll get a fuck load more people than him killed so he's trying to limit the damage of a failed coup? I guess this is why Varys should never speak honestly with people lmao and especially not someone as obviously emotionally compromised by family drama, recent traumas, fear and alcoholism as Tyrion which kind of makes Varys seem like he's lost a few like hundred IQ points but that's nuGoT for ya
then in Varys chambers he is writing another note and when he hears soldiers coming he rushes to burn it and put it in a pot and he knows whats about to happen so takes his rings off and puts them away and just sits there was Grey Worm walks in, who's now an edgy boi himself willing to do anything to avenge his love, and him and his men march Varys down to the shore and Varys bricks it as he sees Tyrion is there and just looking glum like there's nothing he can do to save his friend and all the men surround Varys who stands there trying to be dignified as Dany stares at him and he can tell from even Jon being there not doing shit there's no scheming his way out of this one and Dany nods to Tyrion who walks up and admits "it was me" and Varys just tells him "I hope I deserve this, truly I do, I hope I'm wrong" and Tyrion cant bare to look such a better man than him in the eyes but Varys says "goodbye old friend" and looks kindly at him to show he doesn't hold any grudges to him and Tyrion just puts his hand on his arm and Varys looks down confused like he didn't know Tyrion cared about him that much to drop his usually high emotional guard this much (in a behind the scenes thing someone said the actor playing Varys did that take beacuse Varys has never been even touched before which is such a great little thing it makes me mad they just forgot to write Varys a storyline lmao) and Tyrion looks up at Varys averting his eyes and just walks away as they can't even make eyecontact and Dany approaches Varys and says "Lord Varys" and he inhales sharply and oh my fucking god here comes the fucking namedrop meme she's up to "I, Daenerys of House Targaryen, First of My Name, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons..." but she cuts the memes short because DROGON'S GROWLING MOUTH APPEARS OUT OF THE DARKNESS BEHIND HER AS DANY SAYS "SENTENCE YOU TO DIE"
and Varys doesn't look surprised, even though I'd be pretty surprised how the fuck a giant ass heavily breathing noisy dragon can hide a few feet behind someone, or scared at all because he's been ready to die since he was a little boy in that warlocks basement and Tyrion gives him one last look as Dany says almost bored like she has no enthusiasm for killing someone who's just disappointed her "DRACARYS" and Varys looks up into Drogon's eyes who starts making Jurassic Park T-Rex roars as if he's working out how to kill Varys without hurting his mother and elects to slowly bend his head down closer and over Varys and as Tyrion forces himself to watch and Dany just looks on completely emotionlessly and Jon looks over worried
that's uhhhhhh that's it? he didn't even send those letters and isn't trying to poison Dany? all he did was literally ask Jon to do a treason and dumbass Jon is too stupid to realize he should probably warn Dany about that? he wouldn't have some plan to escape when making such bold moves when the character values his own survival so much? and Jon nor Tyrion do shit about it even though he's probably their greatest asset? uhhhhhhh he got the ol CIA treatment didn't he? well congratulations, you got your best character caught in a shit plot, what's the next step of your master script? :cia: christ now that I think of it no one even told Varys what happened to his old arch rival they dropped that plotline so hard, now let's see what the actor thought of this most famous role's ending... oh....
fucking rip Varys he was probably the best character in the whole show and the show was at it's peak when him and CIA were having their epic cold war of JUST AS PLANNEDs against each other and the whole show should have just been that but when the writing got shit as soon as they went off-book in season 5 both characters just turned into generic latchers onto power rather than them manipulating power while pretending to be doing that with Varys just attaching himself to Dany even though she's clearly mental and CIA attaching himself to Sansa but then selling her off to an obvious twisted fucking psychopath who could kill her for a laugh at any second since D&D can't write even stupid characters for shit never mind the two most intelligent characters in the show there should have really been more to Varys like from his research into mysticism since he hated it he unfortunately found out that all that shit is real (a plot point set-up when we saw he had the warlock that gelded him and was never mentioned again lul) and his whole motivation was actually defending against the White Walkers but he had zero input into that situation that to the very end was quarantined from the rest of the story as if the zombie shit is almost embarrassing to the showrunners and they want to keep it separate from the actually original and non-generic political machinations of Westeros but you'd think a man who's motivated by helping the common people would be most concerned about the, you know, army of the undead coming to exterminate them all? but no he ended up just another character who got turned into generic lameness from contamination of being around Dany's Mary Sue vortex like Ser Barristan and Tyrion and even Yara, Elly and Lady Tyrell got a dose by season 7 and all got insta-rekt as soon as they teamed up with her lmao hopefully they do something with the letters he was writing but I bet they don't and this is really the end for him since having such a smart character with so many hidden plans just completely give up and go out like a bitch despite it being obviously an extremely dangerous situation he's in going about conspiring against mad lass Dany that's just what this show has become smart characters just blab everything so they can hurry up and kill them off still fingers crossed this is all actually the next step of CIA's masterplan and that really was a faceless man he used as a body double that Arya killed and the final shot of the show is this
then we cut to a fireplace as Dany fiddles with something, I think maybe Missy's old slave collar? and yeah she says that's all she brought with her "her only possession" as Grey Worm looks totally zoned out staring at the fire like his regained humanity died that day with Missy and he just stares at Dany who hands him the collar and they hold it briefly together as if this is the only way they can express themselves anymore and Grey Worm... just tosses Missy's collar into the fire as it's meaningless now... and when Jon walks in Grey Worm instantly turns to him knowing that Dany is losing supporters of the Westerosi and Dany says in Valyrian "it's al right, Torgo Nudho, let me speak with him" don't know wtf that means maybe it's his actual birth name or something and she knows he doesn't even care about trying to identify positively with the name Grey Worm anymore and so he walks off and Jon awkwardly comes up and stands there for a bit not bothering to do anything like give his condolences for her recent losses or anything and Dany just stares at him like what you little bitch and then asks "what did I say would happen if you told your sister?" and Jon pathetically tries to explain "I don't want it and that's what I told him" but Dany says "she betrayed your trust... she killed Varys as much as I did... this is victory for her... now she knows what happens when people hear the truth about you... far more people in Westeros love you than love me... I don't have love here... I only have fear..." which is an interesting angle that she was popular in Essos for freeing slaves but there are no slaves to free in Westeros so the politics of the situation are far less black and white as "oh she freed the slaves she's a hero" and here she's just like the 20th person that decade to try and steal the Iron Throne from some other power hungry dipshit but at the end of the day she's just using the typical abusive relationship line of "uh actually it's not my fault I attack people it's actually you for making me angry and not loving me enough" and pathetic beta bitch boy Jon falls for it and insists "I love you and you will always be my Queen" and Dany stands up and gets in his face half affectionately and half intimidating "is that all I am to you? your Queen?" YEAH YOU'RE FUCKING AUNT TOO LMAO and she touches her lips against his and he has to give in and kiss her as the fire blazes behind them for some kino and she holds him tight and Jon can't keep it up and breaks the kiss and Dany looks down disappointed as she knows she'll have to merc him too and he looks concerned at her and she just looks blankly at her as she makes the decision in her head and says "alright then" and steps back and tells him "let it be fear"LMAO SHE'S TURNING INTO A VILLAIN BECAUSE HER NEPHEW WONT FUCK HER, FEMCELS RISE UP! why wouldn't Jon see how mental she's going and give in and fuck her? is he that autistic he can't tell she's going off the deep end? all you had to do was fuck your damn aunty Jon
then in the throneroom Tyrion is begging Dany "the people who live there, they're not your enemies, they're innocents, like the ones you liberated in Meereen" but she just says coldly "in Meereen the slaves turned on the masters and liberated the city themselves the moment I arrived" lmao what an entitled bitch and Tyrion tries to excuse "they're afraid! anyone who tries to resist Cersei will see his family butchered, you can't expect them to be heroes, they're hostages" they keep talking about how evil Cersei is but honestly other than bombing the Sept what has she actually done? like ever? like right here Dany says "they are, in a tyrant's grip" how's Cersei a tyrant? what other bad things has she done to KL? it seems like nothing's changed there other than there's less conflict with religious nutters thanks to her lmao, anyway Dany then asks "who's fault is that? mine?" literally and unironically American foreign policy lmao, I'm actually really liking the theme here that Dany is more dangerous than Cersei because at least Cersei admits to herself she's just a sadistic bitter cunt so she only kills people when it's to get at those who fucked with her because she doesn't care what happens to the average person one way or another so the worst she's done is bomb the Sept, but Dany lies to herself that she's a good person and is doing what she does for the greater good and can't face that she's just as selfish and bloodthirsty as Cersei which leads her to doing shit like being about to nuke an entire city to le free le people like how she's knocked over like five other cities and made almost all of them worse and will just keep doing this shit forever with worse and worse force being used all in the name of le greater good because she won't admit her nature is no better than her enemies and just stick to abusing her local rivals like any other dictator, which is American exceptionalism in a nutshell and Tyrion snaps "what does it matter who's fault it is? thousands of children will die if the city burns!" but Dany just explains "your sister knows how to use her enemies weaknesses against them... that's what she thinks our mercy is: weakness" and Tyrion literally says "I bet you my Queen" but she interrupts "but she's wrong... mercy is our strength... our mercy towards future generations who will never again be held hostage by a tyrant" and there's a super awkward silence as Dany orders Grey Worm to take the Unsullied to meet the Northern armies and Tyrion tries his last gambit "Cersei's followers will abandon her if they know the war is lost, give them that chance! if the city surrenders they will ring the bells and raise the gates! please if you hear them ringing the bells call off the attack!" just to really spell it out or the brainlet normie audience I get that he told Jaime to do this but in season 2 Varys and Davos both said bells mean an attack is coming lmao so maybe the soldiers won't realize this and fight even harder and Dany just stares silently at him as if the bit of decency in her is struggling to be let out and she just nods to Grey Worm "wait for me outside the city... you'll know when it's time" uh oooooooooh and Grey Worm nods and marches off and Tyrion knows what that means and looks down defeated and they just stare at each other and Tyrion pathetically bows and very slowly walks off as if he's in a nightmare and can barely move and Dany suddenly announces "your brother was stopped trying to get past our lines" and Tyrion freezes terrified for Jaime as Dany starts up "it seems he hasn't abandoned your sister after all" and Tyrion looks at her knowing what she's about to say as she threatens "the next time you fail me... will be the last time you fail me" and he just scurries away glad she didn't threaten his brother or say he was already murdered and not wanting to give her the chance to say anything else horrible
then in a gloomy King's Landing floods of gaunt looking refugees who must still be reeling from the War of the Five Kings, Northerners escaping the White Walkers advance and just general serfs suffering from the increasingly bad weather are arriving and the guards are letting them in and then we see Tyrion and Jon in a rowboat leaving a ship to meet Davos who's at a camp that's literally a few feet from King's Landings wall as I guess a siege is already underway and Jon walks through Unsullied and Knights of the Vale and other Nothern soldiers as Davos updates them on the rearguard getting there tomorrow but Tyrion says "she wants to attack now" and Jon tries to buy time and say they wait for daybreak and walks off and Tyrion asks Davos for a favor and looks around shiftily and asks "you're the greatest smuggler alive aren't you?" and Davos already knows "I'm not gonna like this favor am I?" then we cut away I'm gonna guess it's to smuggle him into KL again
then at night some soldiers are chatting when suddenly The Hound and Arya ride up to their camp and one of them goes "ay up, where you going?" lmao literally like DA NORF FC memes and Arya looks at her friend and just says "I'm Arya Stark, I'm going to kill Queen Cersei" and the guard stares at her like ya fookin wot m8 and The Hound grumbles "think about it: she kills Cersei, the war's over, there won't be a siege, you might not even die tomorrow" and the man can't believe what he's hearing but isn't a complete brainlet and is of course worried they're just lying and are actually on her side so says "I need to go talk to my captain" and the two killers don't even care anymore and The Hound shrugs saying "go ahead talk to him" and they simply ride on by the soldiers who are too pussy to do anything about it
and we see Tyrion walking up to some Unsullied soldiers and says in very broken Valyrian "I drink to eat the skull keeper" and the Unsullied stares blankly as he tries again "I want to eat the skull keeper" right very funny and very appropriate time for humor during this stage of the story and Tyrion tries once more "I want to see the..." and the Unsullied cuts him off "we speak the common tongue" which is always English in fantasy settings lmao and Tyrion tries to talk him into giving him time with the prisoner, Jaime (who I guess Dany is keeping alive to try and use as leverage over Cersei or something), by offering rest, but the Unsullied say he has orders to guard him, and Tyrion pulls rank saying unless Dany gave the order he outranks whoever gave him the order as Hand and the Unsullied stares at him thinking about it and then looks at his men who all walk away with him having fallen pray to one of Tyrion's last sly talking manipulations and he goes in to meet his brother who finds himself chained to a post once more and he asks "how did they find you?" and Jaime just hands up his golden hand that I guess he was too lazy to put a glove on it and Tyrion half-jokes "did you consider taking it off?" and Jaime admits "Cersei once called me "the stupidest Lannister"" lmaooooooooo fairly accurate tbh and Tyrion chides him for going back to die with Cersei but Jaime thinks he's underestimating her again and Tyrion's angle is to try to get Jaime to talk her out of the current course of action and he's already got the key with him and Jaime exhales sharply at how Tyrion will betray his obviously dangerous Queen for him and what he believes in but he's got cold feet as "when have I ever been able to convince Cersei of anything?" and Tyrion is running out of ideas and tells him "try! if not for her if not for yourself then for every one of the million people in that city, innocent or otherwise" and Jaime admits "to be honest I never really cared much for them... innocent or otherwise" as he's considering going back to his old nihilistic self to throw it all in for his sister (or the writers just forgot he's meant to have changed lmao) and Tyrion insists "you do care for one innocent, I know you do and so does Cersei, she has a reason now" but Jaime figures "the child is the reason she'll never give an inch all the worst things she's ever done she'd done for her children... it's not impossible that she'll win" but Tyrion knows "she wont" and Jaime tries to say she was right about Dany's forces getting depleted and she's down 2 dragons but Tyrion knows for a fact the city will fall since he knows from experience defending it himself last time and Jaime just doesn't give a shit anymore and says then he'll die tomorrow and Tyrion sits down and begs him "why? escape, the two of you together" and tells him there's an escape route where they met by the dragon skulls and a dingy will be waiting for them, aaaaaah that's who he's getting Davos to smuggle, and he begs his brother to take their sister and start a new life in Pentos but Jaime thinks getting past the Iron Fleet is unlikely but Tyrion tells him there won't be one for much longer and begs him "if you don't you'll never see Cersei again... swear to me" and Jaime looks at him like he knows there is no happy ending for him or Cersei and she'd rather die taking the whole world with her than live the misery of being her as some commoner on the run but he tells his brother "you have my word" and Tyrion rushes to unlock his chains and tells him that if it works to ring the bells to signal the surrender and Tyrion quips about returning the favor in freeing him but Jaime warns "your Queen will execute you for this" so it would have been for nothing and Tyrion tries to tell himself "maybe if Danaerys can make it to the Throne without wading through a river of blood maybe she'll show mercy to the person that made that possible" and Jaime looks at him sad as he knows thats bullshit but Tyrion insists "tens of thousands of lives... one not particularly innocent dwarf... it seems like a fair trade"
as he was inspired by how heroic and selfless Varys was I guess and is trying to be like him and he knows this is the last time he'll see his brother who's already tearing up as he figured the same thing but for realises this time and he tells him "if it weren't for you I'd never have survived my childhood" since Jaime used to be a real prick but at least he tried in his own fucked up way to be a big brother to Tyrion like the scheme to get him laid and shit like that and sad music starts up as Jaime insists "you would have" but Tyrion shakes his head and tries to remain calm and tells him "you were the only one who didn't treat me like a monster... you were all I had" and the two brothers just hug each other as Tyrion breaks down crying and so does Jaime who can't even hold him with his fucking golden hand, I really like the relationship between the two of them since they are both away from KL at various times for the first 3 seasons and only get a bit of time together before Tyrion leaves again but what little screentime they have together they make it work to show these two fucked up men really do love each other and Tyrion forces himself to stand up and storms out before he makes it any worse and Jaime just sits there knowing it's all fucked but they have to try anyway, is it just me or did the writers like roll dice to see what these characters would do next or something? is Jaime seriously trying to pretend he doesn't care about the innocent anymore or is he just being funny? doesn't Tyrion get that this is a treasonous act, what he just turned in Varys for? he can't have decided to risk it from seeing Varys die since that's agonizingly obviously what would have happened for grassing him up, and in fact agonizingly obviously what risks happening from telling him Jon's doxx at all, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
then we pan over the bell in question in King's Landing and pan over to see the Iron Fleet with the sails down loitering in the ocean and the men prepare the ballistas as Euron steps forward and looks out into the open see waiting to rock and roll and Lannister soldiers man the walls preparing their own ballistas and get ordered "eyes on the horizon!" as they load the bolts in place and City Guards rush through the streets to man the walls as civilians rush around preparing for the siege and archers try to be brave as they arm themselves and take their positions and groups of soldiers rush through the city ordering the civvies inside and one even grabs a little boy who was playing with a toy to take him inside and they go about yelling at everyone to close their windows as if it'll do any good and most of them are getting ushered into the Red Keep and in the crowd rushing around walks... Arya and The Hound who's covering his identifiable scars with a hood... awww shiiit nigga here we go, the ol duo's back together and ready to kick some ass... you know maybe Arya should be in disguise just in case some guards recognize her good thing she is able to literally change her face which we've seem to forgot lmao but they just walk through the panicking scared crowd with no one paying any attention to these very obvious main characters and speaking of which we see Jaime sneaking in in a cloak and taking his glove off his golden hand for some reason and then walking by a squad of Golden Company making that three separate armies that Cersei has in there, the mercs, the City Guards although I guess they don't really count and are just like cops but she has Euron's fleet of Ironborn and her family's own private army, and as the soldiers rush to lock the gates Jamie has made his way through and all these Golden Company mercs stand in formation outside the city gates where the confrontation took place last episode, you'd think they'd be, you know, inside the walls for this siege but this is season 8 we're watching, and they're all looking a bit shifty as if they're all deciding am I getting paid enough for this shit and their commander rides up in front of them on his white stallion and looks ahead with a smile as he's ready to kick some ass as he sees Dany's Unsullied and Dothraki armies and Jon's armies of Northerners gathering in front of them making it an even 3v3 match and up on a small hill is Tyrion (who the Unsullied somehow didn't notice he freed Jaime? what the fuck is happening?), Jon, Davos and Grey Worm overlooking their forces and Tyrion warns Jon "if you hear the bells ringing they've surrendered, call off your men" but Jon just looks concerned at him like he's about to cry as he knows that ain't fucking happening at this stage
and inside the Red Keep Cersei goes to her balcony and overlooks her city and intense music plays as she just smiles as this is the perfect way she wants to die, everyone she resents on both sides and even herself in absolute carnage, and she sees the civilians being let in the gates of her castle's grounds and the soldiers are checking each person that goes in but not very well and are rushing them in and I think a woman and her little girl with a toy horse looking very scared are trying to get up there but The Hound barges by them saying "move!" and the NPC mother can tell that's a main character if she's ever seen one and tells her daughter to follow them as they're apart of the main storyline
but The Hound and Arya slip in the front gates just as the grounds have filled up and the soldiers have to close the gates on her and her scared little girl and they all start banging on the front gate but then the crowd keeps going all trying to bang on the gate and they start trying to force it down and so many people are still trying to rush into the grounds that a crush starts forming and the mother gets her daughter to try to slip out before it reaches them and the crowd all goes apeshit screaming to be let in and the soldiers try to tell them they're locked but Jaime is in there and puts his golden hand up and yells "soldier! soldier!" who doesn't spot him because he's too busy screaming at the civvies to go back to their homes and stop pushing at the doors so Jaime rushes backwards out of the crowd to find another way as his sister just stares down at the crowd almost bored that it isn't kicking off yet
and on the hill Tyrion stares into his old home and all those people he almost gave his life to defend 6 years ago and a Lannister soldier looks up into the air as a gust of wind blows over him scared of what might be being carried on it and out to see the Iron Fleet is ready and Euron feels the wind too and looks up into the sky to see something in the sun... and he puts his arm over his eyes to try and see... and it looks like a bird... no... it's... well it can't be a plane and it aint superman... wait... are you seriously telling me the plan to defeat the ships that can 360 noscope snipe a dragon out the sky is to... fly straight at them? couldn't do something creative like have Drogon swim under them and suddenly burst out from under the water to blast them and them dip back in or something since it's already been established in season 3 that they can swim? oh I feel like we're in for a fucking ride here
AND EURON'S MEN RELOAD AND HE TRIES TO GET A GOOD LOOK AT THEM BUT DANY'S KEEPING THE SUN BEHIND THEM SO THEY CAN'T AIM AND THEN SUDDENLY DROGON DIVEBOMBS DOWN ALONG THE OCEAN UNLEASHING HIS FIREBREATH DESTROYING TWO OF EURON'S SHIPS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
AND ZOOMING OVER BLASTING APART MORE AND AS HE HEARS HIS MEN SCREAMING IN TERROR (WHAT HAPPENED TO THEIR TONGUES BEING CUT OUT? LOL YOU DUMB SHOW) HE ORDERS HIS MEN TO TURN THE BALLISTA AROUND AND HE SEES DROGON TURNING AROUND HIMSELF AND HE RUSHES UP TO PERSONALLY RE-AIM THE BALLISTA AND HE SEES DROGON STRAFING ANOTHER SECTION OF THE FLEET DESTROYING DOZENS OF BOATS IN ONE PASS AS HE'S FAR TOO CLOSE FOR THEM TO AIM THEIR BALLISTAS AT FAST ENOUGH AND HE WAITS UNTIL DROGON IS MID-TURN IN MID-AIR TO ORDER "FIRE!" BUT HE TURNS JUST IN TIME FOR IT TO MISS AND ROARS AS HE SWOOPS DOWN STRAIGHT TOWARDS EURON'S MASTERSHIP AND EURON THROWS HIMSELF OVERBOARD JUST IN TIME AS HIS SHIP EXPLODES APART IN A HUGE FIREBALL
AND WE SEE DROGON SKIMMING THE WATER USING THE FLAMING WRECKAGES AND SMOKE FOR COVER AS HE TORCHES THE FEW REMAINING SHIPS AND THE MEN MANNING THE BALLISTAS ON THE WALL SHIT THEIR PANTS AS THEY CANT GET A CLEAR SHOT ON HIM AND A COMMANDER ORDERS THEM TO FIRE AS SOON AS DROGON EMERGES FROM THE BURNING FLEET AND ZOOMS TOWARDS THEM BUT THEY ALL MISS AND HE ORDERS TO RELOAD BUT THEY'RE NOT FAST ENOUGH AND WHEN THEY GO TO TAKE THEIR NEXT SHOT DROGON FLIES UP FROM UNDER THEM ENGULFING THEM ALL IN FLAMES AND DESTROYING THEIR WEAPON
AND A MAN BURNS IN AGONY AS HE TRIES TO GET AWAY FROM HIS PLATFORM BUT HE JUST FALLS OFF THE WALL SCREAMING AND ANOTHER COMMANDER ORDERS "FIRE!" AND HE FUCKING GETS IT AS THE MEN MANNING HIS BALLISTA ARE SET ALIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE BEFORE THEY CAN EVEN SEE IT COMING ALL SCREAMING AS THEY FLESH IS COOKED OFF OF THEM AS DROGON JUST FLIES ACROSS THE WALL ANNIHILATING THEM ALL
and then at the front gates it's silence as the Golden Company sit there in wait and Grey Worm maddogs their leader and Jon and Davos stand in front of the Northern army as they start to hear the explosions in the distance and the GC leader looks around like uhhhhhh and Grey Worm steps forward as the booms get louder and the commander starts getting shook as he hears horses squealing and a thumping noise as THE FRONT GATE EXPLODES FROM WITHIN AS DROGON UNLEASHES THE FULL FORCE OF HIS DRAGONFIRE DESTROYING THE ENTIRE ENTRANCE AND A HUGE CHUNK OF THE GOLDEN COMPANY ARMY IN A MASSIVE ERUPTION OF FIRE AND SHRAPNEL
AND THE COMMANDER IS BLOWN OFF HIS HORSE THAT GETS BLOWN OFF ITS FEET AS DROGON SWOOPS OUT FROM THE SMOKE ROARING AS HIS VICTIMS TRY TO CRAWL OUT OF HIS FLAMES
AND GREY WORM GETS THE HINT AND LEADS HIS UNSULLIED ARMY IN A CHARGE TOWARDS THE MERCENARIES BEING BARBECUED INSIDE THEIR FANCY GOLDEN ARMOR AND THEIR COMMANDER LOOKS UP TO SEE THE HOLLERING FLOOD OF THE DOTHRAKI HOARD ALL ON HORSEBACK CHARGING STRAIGHT AT HIM AND HE TRIES TO TURN AROUND TO FLEE BUT THEY EASILY CATCH UP TO HIM AND HE SUDDENLY TAKES A SPEAR IN THE BACK FROM GREY WORM WHO YANKS IT OUT OF HIM
AND THE DOTHRAKI WHO BREACH THE WRECKAGE WHERE THE FRONT GATE USED TO BE AND RIDE THROUGH THE CITY STREETS SLICING APART THE LANNISTER SOLDIERS WITH THEIR SICKLES AND SCYTHES AS THEY HOLLER LIKE MADMEN AND MORE LANNISTER SOLDIERS RUSH DOWN FROM THE WALL TO TRY TO STOP THEM BUT THE HORSES AND BLADES JUST CARVE THROUGH THEM LIKE BUTTER AND JON'S NORTHERN SOLDIERS FLOOD IN THROUGH THE OPENING AS A DEEP FRIED MERCENARY IS PUT OUT OF HIS MISERY BY ONE OF THEM
AND DROGON DOES ANOTHER PASS EXPLODING THE REMAINING BALLISTA ON THE FRONT WALL AND WHAT'S REMAINING OF THE LANNISTER SOLDIERS IN THE STREETS GET COMPLETELY OVERRUN BY THE NORTHERNERS AND A BALLISTA TRIES TO TAKE AIM INTO THE SKY BUT IS IMMEDIATELY DESTROYED BY DROGON WHO UNDERSTANDABLY FUCKING HATES THESE THINGS FOR KILLING HIS ONLY BROTHER LEFT
AND THE NORTHERN SOLDIERS RELISH BEING ABLE TO TAKE THE FIGHT TO THEIR OPPRESSORS AS DROGON FLOATS ALONG THE WALL LINE DESTROYING EVERY BALLISTA THAT THE SOLDIERS DARE TO TRY TO MAN AND THE REMAINING GOLDEN COMPANY FORCES ARE RUNNING FOR THEIR FUCKING LIVES AS THE MASSIVE DROGON SOARS OVER THEM AND POURS A TORRENT OF FIRE DOWN UPON HUNDREDS OF THEM FRYING THEM ALIVE
and in the Red Keep Cersei looks out at the Iron Fleet in complete wreckage and her city's front gate a smouldering heap and her streets gradually filling up with enemy soldiers when she hears... the snarl of Drogon's roar and she looks at him almost admiringly like he represents what she's wanted to do her entire life just lash out in rage and destroy the society around her that's always been her enemy as she sees him systematically blasting apart every ballista on the wall whether it's manner or not now and outside the walls Tyrion walks through the smokey carnage of Golden Company men strewn around in burnt heaps with the unlucky survivors writhing around in agony and the ones who can move trying to drag their friends away or just legging it as
and Qyburn tentatively comes up to Cersei watching the carnage like even he's starting to realize this shit is for real and he's about to cook real fucking soon and asks "your Grace?" and she just claims "all we need is one good shot" but he informs her "the scorpions have all been destroyed, your Grace" and Cersei can't believe how badly the devs nerfed her units and buffed Dany's OP mount and keeps trying to pretend "the Iron Fleet hold Blackwater Bay... Euron killed one of her dragons, he can kill another" and Qyburn nervously says "your Grace... the Iron Fleet is burning... the gates have been breached... the Golden Company-" just that sentance sums up like three different weird shit in this episode where we just got a shot of Euron's fleet but now it's burning like a mile away from the city instead of docked right next to it, the front gate someone exploding like it was bombed from the fire and the Golden Company now not being the like uhhh 20K men they were said to bring but like a few hundred lol, and Cersei cuts him off "our men will fight harder than sellswords ever could, they will defend their Queen to the last man" and Qyburn's mouth hangs open as he realizes this is it it's fucked as Cersei looks back out and watches Drogon encircle her city in a ring of fire and Qyburn just plays along "yes your Grace" as she says "the Red Keep has never fallen.. it wont fall today" as she looks around with her confidence waning as she knows she's getting cooked alive in there pretty soon
and we cut to Grey Worm, Jon and Davos at the head of the Northern army marching through the burnt streets with dead Lannister soldiers littering their way and Grey Worm and Jon kill brave fuckers who try to attack them and their men move out taking out any other survivors as they march through the empty streets like some stormtrooper shit
until they meet their other forces and Jon moves them out the way to find the remaining Lannister soldiers filling up the street in front of the Red Keep gate ready to defend it to the death and Jon stares them down as they try to steel themselves and Grey Worm just looks blankly at them like they're just another kill in a sea of hundreds to him and the men all shift nervously
and intense music starts up as Tyrion makes his way back to the front gate or where it used to be and looks up at the city bell unrung as he wishes for Jaime to succeed and we cut to him rushing through the city's maze-like back alleys past the few civvies still trying to find a place to hide and Cersei looks out like she's letting whats left of her humanity wither and die as DROGON LETS HIMSELF SOAR DOWN TOWARDS THE CITY STREETS AND THE CROWD OF CIVILIANS TRYING TO FLEE ARE FALLING OVER THEMSELVES TO GET AWAY
AND FRIENDS YANK EACH OTHER TO THEIR FEET AND FATHERS PULL THEIR CHILDREN ALONG BEHIND THEM AND OLD MERCHANTS DROP THEIR BAGS TO RUN FOR THEIR FUCKING LIVES AS DROGON FLOATS ABOVE THE STREETS AND ROARS AND THEY ALL LOOK UP AND SCREAM AS HE LANDS ON A WALL ABOVE THEM AND SCREECHES INTO THE AIR IN TRIUMPH
and Jon looks on super scared of what he'll have do next almost as scared as the Lannister soldiers and one of them at the front just looks over at Drogon and back to Jon and then to the man on his right who looks at him terrified like he knows this is completely fucked so he... just drops his sword... and all his other men drop their swords too... and Jon sighs in relief that they're surrendering, and a wave of clattering swords spreads back throughout the streets, and one of the soldiers screams "ring the bells!" to signal them giving up and a civilian man agrees and screams "ring the bells!" and all the civilians who hear this throughout the street concur and scream for someone to "ring the bells!"
and the camera pans up to see who's call it is... Cersei in the Red Keep... as her entire populace starts yelling up to her "ring the bells! ring the bells!" but she's just standing there and Jaime picks up a discarded sword on the street as people are barging by him the other way to try and flee the city and outside Tyrion can hear the soldiers and civilians screaming "ring the bells!""ring them!" as his idea might be working and Dany looks out across the city begging for mercy from atop her monster perching on the walls and the screams of "ring the bells!" devolve into just "help us!" and as Cersei sees Drogon screech she hears a man yelling up "in the name of the-" but another man screams over him "Queen! we're surrounded!" and Tyrion listens to everyone begging for the bells and he looks up to see Dany and Drogon perched on the walls all hyped up
and Cersei swallows hard as the last parts of her humanity and motherhood wriggle around inside her trying to survive and she stares at a city bell and Tyrion stares at one too... AND THE CITY BELL RINGS!!! SIGNALLING KING LANDING'S SURRENDER!!! wait wait wait... if fucking Drogon can solo Cersei's entire forces by himself, the Iron Fleet, the Lannister Army, the Golden Company... what the fuck was the point of all that shit of getting Yara, Lady Tyrelle and Elly on their side? if she could do it all without civilian casualities why have all this autism about Tyrion not wanting to take the dragons to KL? why not just do this right away and still have the other two dragons and all of Cersei's forces to fight the NK with? oh fuck do you know what I just realized? Drogon is named after Kahl Drogo lmao, I have not noticed anyone point that out even though it's so obvious but I didn't catch it until the second last ep since I've been calling him Aquaman in my head the whole time lmao, ok anyway uhhh hang on... if Jaime hasn't gotten to Cersei yet... how do all these people in King's Landing know ringing the bells means surrender? is that just a chance of policy in the city since the Blackwater attack? whatever
and Jon sighs with relief and Cersei closes her eyes and exhales meaning I guess she did order it or at least isn't stopping whoever did and just stands there knowing she'll be killed one way or another and Tyrion looks around still sad so many men had to die and he looks up at Dany as the almost musical cacophony of ringing bells starts to get out of sync and turn into a mangled garbled sound and Dany with her face covered in soot looks almost... scared... of herself? and she starts panting heavily as she looks over at the Red Keep and she starts sniffling and gasping as if she's about to cry from the urges overtaking her like she can't cope with not being meant to go sicko mode anymore but since Jon didn't give her the D she can't resist... I guess D&D are trying to tell us that incest is truly the purest form of love afterall, if only Jon had fucked his aunt
and she leans back down and tugs on Drogon's back for him to take flight and he jumps off of the wall leaving behind bricks flying and crumbling off of it and he flaps his wings in a way that looks like really good cgi where it looks like his body has some real weight to it he needs to heave his wings to lift as he flies over the city and Tyrion looks up like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and Dany takes Drogon straight towards the Red Keep and Cersei watches as the monster comes straight at her and we see the shot Bran saw in his visions 3 years ago of Drogon's shadow over King's Landing's rooftops lmao Dany is actually the final boss the Gods were trying to warn Bran of it's not the Night King on his dragon lmaoooo boiiiiiiii
and the civilians run through the streets in fucking terror as Drogon swoops above them almost skimming the rooftops (honestly this is pretty fucking kino if you realize this is literally what impoverished people essentially living a medieval lifestyle all around the world go through when they look up into the sky and see the untouchable powerful air superiority of the foreign militaries come to "liberate" them not knowing if they're about to rain fire down on them or not) and Lannister soldiers and are in the crowd too trying to get out of Drogon's path when DROGON SHOOTS HIS FIRE DOWN INTO THE CITY, INSTANTLY VAPORIZING THE FLEEING LANNISTER SOLDIERS
BUT THERE'S AN AMAZINGLY DONE HORRIBLE RUMBLING SOUND AS HE KEEPS BLASTING HIS FLAMES AS HE SOARS OVER KING'S LANDING, ERUPTING THE BUILDINGS UNDER HIM AND FILLING THE STREETS WITH OF HELLFIRE, EXTERMINATING HUNDREDS OF MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN TRYING TO ESCAPE!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 141
FUCKING GOOD!!! KILL ALL THE ALTERNATE REALITY LONDON NORMIES!!! THESE WOULD BE THE PEOPLE WHO'D BE FANS OF THIS SHOW IN MY WORLD!!! KILL ALL THE NORMIES DANY!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
and outside Tyrion gasps in horror as he hears Drogon's screech and back inside A TSUNAMI OF FIRE SCREAMS DOWN THE STREETS ANNIHILATING THE CIVILIANS RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 142
and Jon looks up at the airborn monster and the Lannister soldiers who laid down their swords to him turn to see the city that held all their families being destroyed and Grey Worm starts breathing hard as though even if Missy used her last words to ask for this it's not what he really wants after being with her and LANNISTER SOLDIERS TRY TO FLEE BUT THEIR PATHS ARE BLOCKED BY A FLOOD OF FLAMES SAWING THROUGH THE BUILDINGS IN FRONT OF THEM ERASING THE CIVILIANS UNDER IT!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 143
and Grey Worm keeps hyperventilating as he lowers his spear and the surrendering soldiers look behind them as a stampede of civilians runs into them trying to avoid the carnage and Grey Worm just zones out into killer mode as if Dany is giving him permission to let his own darkness out and GREY WORM THROWS HIS SPEAR INTO ONE OF THE SURRENDERING SOLDIERSEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 144
AND JON LOOKS AROUND SHOOK AS HIS OWN NORTHERN ARMY TAKE THE HINT AND CHARGE THE SURRENDERING SOLDIERS WHO RUSH TO PICK THEIR SWORDS BACK UP AND BUT QUICKLY GET OVERRUN AND MASSACRED INCLUDING MEN WITH THEIR HANDS UP TRYING TO SURRENDER EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 145
WHILE JON JUST STANDS THERE LIKE A FUCKING AUTIST AND HE SNAPS OUT OF IT WHEN A MAN BUMPS INTO HIM AND HE ORDERS "STOP! GET BACK! GET BACK!" BUT HIS MEN ARE IN A BLOODLUST SLAUGHTERING EVEN THE UNARMED MEN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 146
AND GREY WORM LOOKS BACK AT JON IN DISGUST AT HIM TRYING TO STOP IT AND WHEN HE GETS DISTRACTED BY A LANNISTER SOLDIER ATTACKING HIM HE RUNS OFF AND JON HAS NO CHOICE BUT KILL THE LANNISTER SOLDIERS TOO
AND HIS MEN HACK THEM APART WITH HANDAXES AND GREY WORM WORKS HIS WAY INTO THE ARMY RUNNING THEM THROUGH WITH HIS SPEAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN KNOCKING ANYONE WHO ATTACKS HIM BACK WITH THE HILT AND STABBING THEM WHEN THEY'RE OPEN
AND GREY WORM LETS HIS LIFETIME OF REPRESSED RAGE OUT AS HE SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER AS HE LANCES HIS WAY THROUGH MAN AFTER MAN AND WHEN EVERY LANNISTER SOLDIER AROUND HIM IS DEAD HE JUST STANDS THERE LOOKING FOR MORE TARGETS
AND THE REMAINING LANNISTER FORCES HAVING DROGON STRAFE OVER THEM SPRAYING FLAMES ACROSS THEM AND THEY WRITHE AROUND ON THE GROUND BURNING ALIVE AND ONE JUST STANDS THERE IN SHOCK WATCHING HIS FRIENDS BEING COOKED AS HE FRIES HIMSELF!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 149
AND A MOTHER HOLDS HER CRYING DAUGHTER AS DROGON CARVES BURNING SWATHES OF DEATH ACROSS THE CITY EVAPORATING ENTIRE STREETS FULL OF INNOCENT PEOPLE!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 150
AND CERSEI STARES WIDE EYED AS HER CITY IS TURNED INTO FUCKING HELL LIKE SHE'S FINALLY MET SOMEONE WORSE THAN HER AS DANY TAKES DROGON UP AND DOWN EVERY SINGLE MAJOR STREET TURNING IT INTO A LAKE OF FIRE SO NO ONE HAS ANYWHERE TO ESCAPE!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 151
AND TYRION SHIVERS IN SHOCK AS HE SEES A MAN TRY TO ESCAPE DOWN AN ALLEYWAY AS THE CROWD BEHIND HIM IS INCINERATED BUT THE FLAMES SHOOT PAST HIM TURNING HIS BODY TO ASH TOO! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 152
AND IN THE STREETS THE UNSULLIED ARE PICKING THEIR WAY ACROSS THE STREWN BODIES OF THEIR ENEMY SOLDIERS AND ONE SURVIVOR DOES THE "OH NO NONONONO" MEME AS HE GETS A SPEAR IN THE FACEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 153
AND THE CIVILIANS START COMING THEIR WAY JUST RUSHING PAST TWO SOLDIERS LOCKED IN COMBAT TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM THE DRAGON DROPPING DEATH DOWN UPON THEM AND DAVOS HAS ABANDONED THE FIGHT TO TRY AND GUIDE THEM BACK OUT THE FRONT GATE TO SAVE THEM AND JON IS POINTLESSLY SCREAMING "STOOOOP! STOOOOOP!" AT HIS MEN
BUT EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO GIVE AN ORDER ALL THAT HAPPENS IS LANNISTER SOLDIERS REALIZE HE'S A COMMANDER AND ATTACK HIM AND HE HAS TO KILL THEM TOO AND THE NORTHERN SOLDIERS ARE JUST GOING APESHIT ON THE SOUTHERNERS STABBING EVERY CIVILIAN THAT TRIES TO PASS THEM TOOEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 154
AND A LITTLE GIRL HIDES BEHIND A PILLAR AND SEES PROBABLY HER FATHER BEING WRESTLED TO THE GROUND BY A SOLDIER AND HER MOTHER LEAVES AN OLDER GIRL AND TRIES TO SAVE HER HUSBAND SCREAMING "GET OFF HIM!" BUT ANOTHER SOLDIER PULLS HER OFF AND SHE SCREAMS AS THE SOLDIER SLITS HER THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 156
AND THE LAST THING SHE SEES IS HER OLDER DAUGHTER BEING DRAGGED OFF BY SOLDIERS TO BE RAPED AS THE YOUNGER GIRL HAS TO JUST HIDE BEHIND THE PILLAR AGAIN AS SHE DIES INSIDE AS HER PARENTS DIE ON THE STREETS LIKE DOGS
BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS AS THE ENTIRE STREET SUDDENLY AS FLAMES FILLING IT UP EXTERMINATING EVERY SINGLE VICTIM AND PERPETRATOR OF THE WAR CRIMES ALL TOGETHER AS THEY'RE ALL THE SAME TO THE BEAST DESTROYING THE CITY (DANY LMAO) EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 157
AND A WOMAN STANDS THERE IN SHOCK AND IS KNOCKED OVER BY FLEEING CITIZENS BUT THEY'RE ALL EVAPORATED BY A WALL OF FIRE SMASHING THROUGH THE STREETS!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 158
and Jon walks through the streets zoned out as he hears as if it's in the distance civilians being dragged around by his men right in front of him and he looks over and sees a little girl seeing a woman collapse in front of her and get trampled by the fleeing citizens
and he looks over and sees a Lannister soldier, who could have been any of the men he's been killing, protecting civilians and trying to get them away from Jon's men
but another Lannister soldier sees him and charges and he has to cut him down even though he's just trying to protect his people too and Jon zones out but hears an explosion in the distance and snaps out of it as a woman is screaming for help as one of Jon's soldiers drags her into an alleyway and throws her on the ground and she tries to crawl away but he pulls her back trying to r*pe her but Jon pulls him off and pins him against the wall and puts his sword to him and the man just looks at the woman like he can't believe his commander is siding with the enemy over him so attacks Jon and JON RUNS HIM THROUGH WITH HIS SWORD I guess that's one good thing about the Unsullied they can't go about raping people lis (who am I kidding soldiers rape people with impliments in war all the time)
and he lets his corpse drop down and tells the woman "find somewhere to hide" and she runs off and he looks down confused at having just merced a fellow Northman and Cersei looks down at Drogon carving another few hundreds of final moments into her city EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 159
and starts to flap his wings to get closer to her and she just stands there wishing it was over with already as Drogon starts heading towards her castle and she starts shaking with fear as he flies over the castle walls above the refugees screaming in terror and Cersei's jaw drops as DROGON BLASTS HIS WAY STRAIGHT THROUGH ONE OF THE RED KEEPS TOWERS LIKE IT WAS MADE OF PAPER KILLING WHO KNOWS HOW MANY DEFENCELESS PEOPLE INSIDE! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 160 DANY IS LITERALLY AND UNIRONICALLY DOING YE OLDE DRAGON 9/11 ON THE RED KEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I guess if Elly was still alive in some dungeon for Cersei to have Greggy rape her daily she aint gonne be alive for much longer lmao and underneath the castle on the beach Jaime is struggling to get to the secret passage to get inside, which Tyrion should have really told you know anyone else about and they coulda just sent Arya through to insta-kill Cersei fucking idiots, as rubble falls around him but behind him EURON YELLS "THE KINGSLAYER!" as he wades out of the sea spitting up salt water having very very conveniently washed ashore right in time for his boss battle with a main character (guess Yara ain't getting it) literally like when someone obnoxiously respawns just behind you in Call of Duty multiplayer and Jaime tries to play it off like they're still allies saying "we need to get the Queen out of King's Landing" but Euron barks "listen! that's the sound of a city dying" and just grins like a madman and says "it's over" and Jaime just says "maybe for you" and goes to run off but hears Euron drawing his blade and ask "if you kill another King before you die... they'll sing about you forever" and Jaime sneers "you're no King" and Euron claims "oh but I am" and starts towards him and he lets him know "and I fucked the Queen"
and Jaime's face drops as Euron keeps ranting "if I win... I'll bring your head to Cersei so you can kiss her... one last time" as he looks super smug at the twisted poetry he just came up with on the spot and Jaime turns away as he summons every ounce of his own darkness so JAIME SUDDENLY SWINGS HIS SWORD AT EURON WHO JUMPS BACK, DODGES ANOTHER ONE AND LEAPS OUT THE WAY AS JAIME CRASHES HIS SWORD DOWN INTO THE ROCKS BEHIND HIM
and up with Cersei she jumps as a piece of the ceiling comes loose and shatters a bowl behind her as Drogon starts taking her castle apart section by section and ANOTHER TOWER CRUMBLES DOWN CRUSHING THE REFUGEES! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 161
AND DROGON CIRCLES THE RED KEEP SAWING INTO IT WITH HIS FIRE SENDING CHUNKS OF IT DROPPING OFF ON TOP OF MORE OF THE REFUGEES!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 162
AND IT SMASHES INTO THE SEA BEHIND JAIME WHO KNEES EURON IN THE STOMACH AS HE TRIES TO CHASE HIM BUT HE INSTANTLY SLASHES JAIME IN THE ARM AND BACKHANDS HIM IN THE FACE BUT JAIME SLASHES HIS BLADE OUT OF EURON'S HAND AND CHARGES BUT EURON GRABS HIS SWORDARM AND ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND GRABS HIS HEAD AND THROWS HIS SWORD AWAY AND THROWS JAIME INTO THE ROCKS AND STAGGERS AWAY BUT JAIME TACKLES HIM INTO THE GROUND AND EURON ROLLS ONTOP OF HIM AND STARTS PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE AS HARD AS HE CAN BUT JAIME SMASHES HIS GOLDEN HAND INTO EURON'S THROAT
AND KICKS HIM OFF OF HIM AND EURON ROLLS AROUND GASPING TO GET AIR DOWN HIS CRUSHED LARYNX BUT STRUGGLES TO HIS FEAT AND WHEN JAIME SWINGS AT HIM HE GRABS JAIME BY THE WAIST AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE GROUND AND STARTS CHOKING HIM AND JAIME TRIES TO GET HIS ONE HAND UP TO JAIME'S FACE BUT HE CANT REACH BUT SHE SLAMS HIS GOLDEN HAND INTO EURON'S ARMS AND HEADBUTTS HIM IN THE FACE AND BACKHANDS HIM WITH HIS GOLDEN HAND AND AS EURON CRAWLS TOWARDS HIS SWORD JAIME COUGHS UP BLOOD BUT ROLLS OVER AND GRABS EURON BY THE FOOT AND DRAGS HIM BACK AWAY FROM THE BLADE
SO HE TURNS AROUND AND KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD AND STARTS FOR THE WEAPON AGAIN BUT JAIME JUMPS ON TOP OF IT BUT EURON GRABS THE BLADE AND RAMS IT INTO JAIME'S SIDE!!! AND EURON STRUGGLES TO PULL IT FREE FROM HIS RIBS AND THEY BOTH COLLAPSE AND JAIME STARTS TRYING TO CRAWL AWAY AND COLLAPSES ON HIS BACK
and Cersei steps away from the balcony as literally all of King's Landing is on fire as millions of people are burnt to death and there's nothing left to see but she cant help herself but turn back to keep watching EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 164
and Qyburn now shook for the first time in his life begs "your Grace it isn't safe here any longer" and Cersei forces out "the Red Keep is the safest place in the city" but he insists "the Unsullied have breached the gates of the Red Keep!" and a tear rolls down Cersei's cheek as she's about to die at any second and still has some shithead man trying to control her and Qyburn tries to tell her "Maegor's Holdfast would be a better place to wait out the storm" but Cersei just starts rocking in places and crying and one last time she tries to bottle her emotions and turns around to take Qyburn's hands as he leads her away from the balcony and the camera pans out to see King's Landing... just gone... and a massive several miles wide plume of smoke fills the air like some sort of mega-9/11 and then... oh god... all the stashes of Wildfire underneath the city's tunnels start detonating too... I guess they have been there since the Mad King or maybe Cersei had some ebin scheme to threaten to set them off or something, but they are just tiny plumes of green in a sea of orange carnage as most of the city is literally just burning heaps of what used to be buildings and piles of ashes of what used to be people now EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 165 they actually did it the absolute madtargs... I GUESS WE KNOW WHICH WAY THE GODS COIN FLIP WENT BEACUSE MAD QUEEN DANY DID WHAT HER FATHER COULDN'T AND IS BASICALLY DOING HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI ON KING'S LANDING FOR LITERALLY NO REASON LMAOOOOOOO
PROBLEM, REDDITOR NORMIE SOYBOY BUGMAN LIBTARD NUMALE POST-MODERN NEO-MARXIST NPC CUCKS WHO HAVE BEEN PRETENDING SHE IS SOME FEMINIST ICON FOR 9 YEARS?
and in the entrance of the passage way Euron is panting with blood streaming down his face and he forces out "you fought well... for a cripple..." and Jaime wheezes trying to breath with his punctured lung and he looks over to see his own sword and he tries to flip to his front and crawl over but Euron sees him and groans that he'll have to force himself back to his feet and just as Jaime puts his hand on his sword EURON STABS HIM IN THE BACK BUT JAIME KNOCKS HIM BACK AGAINST A ROCK AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO EURON'S BELLYwhile he looks like a good candidate for a "when u nut but she still suckin" meme
and Euron screams in agony and grabs hold of the Sword but Jaime just keeps driving it as far in as he can and Euron sits up and quips "another King for you" as Jaime pulls the sword out causing blood to flood out of Euron's body and he rasps after Jaime who storms away "but I got you! I got you!" and grins as Euron looks directly into the camera like he's talking to the audience "I'm the man who killed Jaime Lannister!" and gives a sigh as he dies satisfied that Jaime won't survive his blow lul fitting death for such an edgy prick who's character depth extended to "he likes doing sex lol" since he was basically an internet trolls self-insert in a fanfiction that just wanted to AMOG the coolest male characters and fuck the hottest female character, lucky for our incestious hero it seems like Euron got nerfed in the last patch too since he went from soloing the Sand Snakes to getting beaten by one-handed JUSTaime and it wasn't even bothered to bring up that Euron thought Jaime's babby was his like he uses that to taunt him or something since no one gives a shit about Euron
and in the sky Drogon is circling the Red Keep that's surrounding structures he's reduced to rubble and in what used to be Cersei's old apartment The Hound and Arya finally reach her fancy mapfloor room and The Hound looks up at the Red Keep crumbling and grimaces as he knows there's no way to get out of there alive and he's going to have to face his fear of fire again and he just asks Arya "go home girl" signing as he knows she'll refuse and he tries to convince her "the fire will get her or one of the Dothraki... or maybe that dragon will eat her, it doesn't matter, she's dead... and you'll be dead too if you don't get out of here" but Arya walks ahead insisting "I'm going to kill her" and The Hound grabs his old companion, the only kindred spirit he's ever had in this shit world, and asks "you think you wanted revenge a long time? I've been after it all my life, it's all I care about, and look at me, LOOK AT ME! you wanna be like me?" and he takes the back of her head and looks her in the eye past all the bravado bullshit they both use to cope as he makes her look into his ruined face as he tries to save not just her life but her soul from becoming him and he tells her "you come with me... you die here" and Arya looks like a scared little girl as he simply walks off seeing he's done his job but Arya turns and calls "Sandor" and The Hound turns to hear the name he probably hasn't been called since before his brother fried his face and she says vulnerably "thank you" to a man who wrote himself off as a monster decades ago and The Hound just sighs as if there's no saving him and just walks away leaving Arya to sit there gasping as she gives up her cringy le badass assassin coping mechanism, aww I was looking forward to seeing them operating together but I guess this is the only way for their story to end with the two of them going their seperate ways since it was based around an actually well written mutual respect for each other despite their differences but it still ended up being retarded thanks to how silly Arya's storyline got that Arya would give up revenge after already killing dozens of rather more innocent people than Cersei and is better at killing than The Hound probably lmao and in fact you'd think after all that it'd actually be The Hound who turns back since his arc is about trying to give up being a monster and nothing has really sent him back on that dark path if anything recent events showed he can contribute positively to society and his only friend Beric would want him to keep doing so and it's Arya who's the one who seems a bit more "far gone" than him since she acts like a sociopath at all times including literally feeding a man his own sons in a pie and is now a notorious folk hero for killing the NK while at least he had a religious phase and made up with Brie I guess we can pretend in our brains where we're protected from D&D's shit writing that she wants to go help Jon now that Dany is clearly going off her nut, also isn't she still wanting to get revenge on Ilyn Payne or are we just forgetting he exists?
and on the spiral staircase we see Cersei, Qyburn, The Mountain and her other Kingsguard making their way down it and they all look around shook other than The Mountain as the structure shudders as Drogon roars in the distance but even The Mountain looks up as he sees THE CEILING OF THE STRUCTURE COLLAPSES AS FLAMING WRECKAGE DROPS DOWN SMASHING INTO SOME OF THE KINGSGUARD KILLING THEM
AND CERSEI CURLS UP IN A BALL AS THE MOUNTAIN COVERS HER WITH HIS MASSIVE 7 FOOT TALL FRAME SHIELDING HER FROM THE CRUMBLING BUILDING THAT'S CRUSHING HER OTHER BODYGUARDS TO DEATH SO IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GETTING MOUNTAINED.COM
and he steps away revealing he, her, Qyburn and a few Kingsguard survived and from the bottom of the stairs comes... THE HOUND... no... he's not some notoriously ruthless warrior anymore... this time... it's personal... this is SANDOR CLEGANE oh I'm gonna need an intense banger for this
and he cheekily nods and says "your Grace" so past giving a shit that he's not even angry anymore but just ready to finally get the only kind of fucked up version of peace he can find
and the remaining Kinsguard rush down the stairs and SANDOR INSTANTLY BLOCKS ALL THE FIRST GUYS ATTACKS AND SLICES THROUGH HIS TORSO, SMASHES THE SECOND GUYS HEAD THROUGH A PILLAR, BLOCKS THE THIRDS ATTACK
AND SLITS HIS THROAT AND JUST SMASHES HIS SWORD INTO THE LAST GUYS NECK BEFORE HE CAN EVEN GET TO HIM AND PULLS IT OUT SENDING HIS BLOOD SPRAYING OUT OVER THE STAIRS
and looks back up at... The Mountain breathing heavily under his helmet... and Sandor calls up "hello big brother!" and the mountain glares at him before taking a step froward... but Cersei orders slash begs "Ser Gregor, stay by my side" but The Mountain turns to Cersei and looks her straight in the eyes with his bloodshot eyes and whatever is left of this half-monster half, well, monster's mind... ignores her
as he starts stomping down the stairs and Cersei squeals "Ser Gregor! I command you!" and Qyburn steps in front of his ungodly creation and orders "obey your Queen Ser Gregor!" hoping whatever brainwashing or whatever the fuck he did to him holds up but THE MOUNTAIN JUST GRABS QYBURN'S HEAD AND THROWS IT INTO THE STAIRS SHATTERING THE BACK OF HIS SKULL OPEN LIKE TOSSING AWAY ROTTEN FRUIT INSTANTLY KILLING THE MAN WHO TURNED HIM INTO A WALKING ABOMINATION OF NATURE TO MATCH HIS OWN
fucking rip dude, he was another character like Varys that I assumed would have something to do with the White Walker storyline what with you know knowing how to make zombies and everything but that storyline really was like DLC for the universe or some shit that had nothing to do with the main story like... if this dude can literally make zombie super soldiers why not... you know... make a whole army of them? I guess we're meant to think only big Gregy can survive the process or some shit and Cersei gasps as she realizes she's all alone and as the castle rumbles into ruin around them The Mountain stares at his little brother who's been wanting to murder him their entire lives and Cersei is like aaaaawkwaaaaaard and gingerly steps down the stairs past to Sandor and sees he's got his eyes locked with his brother and doesn't give a shit about her and just walks past him lmao leaving him to his family business, maybe if you don't mind Sandor just like... snapping her neck or something to try to stop the genocide happening outside or... nah? not gonna bother? ok that bit kind of sums up how silly this episode is since you could very easily raise the stakes and have it make more sense character wise by having The Hound specifically targeting Cersei but The Mountain actually defends her when it seems out of character for both to still care about battling especially Sandor who just ignoring Cersei is very out of character by this stage and have some tension where they're trying to fight over an actual objective rather than who lives or dies when it's obvious it doesn't matter to the story if both do anyway and as Drogon does a pass outside spewing fire across the castle... Sandor starts stepping towards The Mountain... oh god... this is it... they're actually doing it... it's been a running joke for 8 fucking years but now it's real... it's time... IT'S TIME FOR THE CLEGANEBOWL!!! THEY'RE DOING THE MEME!!!
and Sandor takes each step by step until he gets close to The Mountain and then stops but he's not afraid he's just seeing if he'll move but he's just glaring at him and SANDOR LUNGES AT THE MOUNTAIN WHO GOES TO DRAW HIS SWORD BUT SANDOR SLASHES HIS WRIST AWAY AND SLICES AT HIS THROAT BUT HIS BIG BROTHER CASUALLY LEANS BACK AVOIDING IT BY HALF AN INCH AND JUST BATS HIS SWORD AWAY WITH HIS STEEL PLATE GAUNTLET AND SANDOR SNARLS AS HE TRIES TO CUT THROUGH HIS ARMOR TO NO EFFECT AND THE CASTLE CRUMBLES AROUND THEM AS THE MOUNTAIN JUST GRABS SANDOR'S SWORD IN HIS GIANT HAND OH FUCK
AND HE STRUGGLES TO YANK IT BACK BUT CANT SO HE PULLS IT DOWN OUT OF HIS GRIP AND SWINGS AGAIN ONLY TO HAVE HIS BLADE BATTED AWAY AND HE GOES APESHIT TRYING TO SLASH AT HIS BROTHER AND HE FINALLY MANAGES TO GET A HIT IN AND SMASHES THE DICKHEAD LOOKING HELMET OFF THE MOUNTAIN'S HEAD AND WHO TURNS TO FACE HIS BROTHER AND... THE MOUNTAIN'S FACE IS COMPLETELY NECROTIC, HE LOOKS LIKE A WHITE WALKER'S ZOMBIE OH SHIT HE TOOK THE BIG GUY'S MASK OFF... AND IT'S GOING TO BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL... FOR HIM
BUT SANDOR JUST SAYS "YEAH, THAT'S YOU... THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN" (OTHER THAN THE OTHER TWO ACTORS TO PLAY HIM) TO HIS SOULLESS MONSTER OF A BROTHER WHO'S AS UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE NOW AS HE IS ON THE INSIDE
AND HE'S NOT SOME ATTACK DOG CALLED THE MOUNTAIN ANYMORE EITHER HE'S WHAT'S LEFT OF AN EVIL MAN NAMED GREGOR WHO INSTANTLY DRAWS HIS SWORD SNEERING WITH RAGE READY TO UNLEASH HIS ANGER ON HIS LITTLE BROTHER FOR THE FINAL TIME
AND GRUNTS AS HE SMASHES IT DOWN INTO THE WRECKAGE BEHIND SANDOR AS HE ZIPS OUT THE WAY SHATTERING ROCK INTO DUST AND SANDOR DUCKS LEAVING GREGOR'S SWORD TO CLEAVE THROUGH A SOLID STONE PILLAR AND HE TRIES TO SWIPE AT HIM BUT HAS TO BLOCK THE INCOMING MASSIVE SWORD THAT CLANGS SO HARD INTO HIS DUST EXPLODES OFF OF THEM
and Cersei staggers out of the crumbling structure as she hears Gregor's roaring above her and she tries to stay standing as the castle shakes under her feet and then she hears an even worse roaring: Drogon... and she can't find her way out through the collapsing rocks and dust but then she looks up to see... her brother... her lover... Jaime... has come back for her... and she yelps with joy as he rushes to hold her one last time and she grips onto him for dear life assured that he'll always be there for her and he almost collapses into her with exhaustion and he takes her crying face in his one remaining hand and she realizes "you're hurt" but he knows "it doesn't matter" and she looks at his blood filling up her hands and cries "you're bleeding" but Jaime just looks at her like they're both dead anyway and the building starts imploding around them so he takes his sister under cover
and back up the stairs GREGOR HEAVES HIS MASSIVE SWORD AT HIS BROTHER WHO WEAVES OUT THE WAY TRYING TO SLASH AT HIS HEAVILY ARMORED BODY BLOCKING AND DODGING EVERY SWIPE HIS BROTHER SENDS HIS WAY
AND TRYING TO GET HIS OWN SWORD BETWEEN HIS ARMOR BUT GREGOR'S SOMEHOW JUST AS FAST AND BATS HIS BLADE AWAY BUT SANDOR BLOCKS HIS SWORDARM WITH HIS OFFARM AND TRIES TO PIN IT AGAINST GREGOR'S CHEST BUT HES TOO STRONG
SO HE WRAPS HIS ARM AROUND HIS AND KNOCKS THE SWORD OUT OF HIS HAND AND WITH ALL HIS MIGHT SANDOR RAMS HIS BLADE THROUGH GREGOR'S CHEST WHO GRABS THE BLADE... AND JUST LOOKS HIM IN THE EYES... AND SANDOR FORCES THE BLADE FURTHER IN BUT GREGOR HOLDS ONTO IT TIGHTER AND SANDOR SUMMONS STRENGTH HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD TO GET IT DEEPER INSIDE HIS BODY
BUT GREGOR BARELY EVEN REACTS AND BACKHANDS HIS LITTLE BROTHER SO HARD IN THE HEAD HE GOES FLYING BACK DOWN THE STAIRS LIKE A RAGDOLL AND SANDOR STRUGGLES TO LOOK UP AT GREGOR CASUALLY TRYING TO TAKER HIS SWORD OUT OF HIM
BUT IT'S JAMMED IN HIS ARMOR SO HE SIMPLY RIPS IT OFF, EXPOSING HIS ROTTEN MASSIVE TORSO AND LETTING HIS ARMOR AND THE SWORD CLATTER TO THE GROUND AND SANDOR WHIMPERS AS HIS WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE STORMS TOWARDS HIM: HIS LITERALLY UNKILLABLE BIG BROTHER COMING FOR HIM AND GREGOR STOMPS DOWN THE STAIRS AS SANDOR LAUGHS AT WHAT A FUCKING HELL HIS ENTIRE LIFE AS BEEN AS HIS BROTHER PICKS HIM UP BY THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND THROWS HIM DOWN THE STAIRS LIKE HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY AGAIN
and Arya looks back at the crumbling keep as she makes her way through an alley and sees a woman trying to protect a child from the collapsing buildings above them as surviving civilians try to flee through the side streets and she walks past the corpse of a woman stabbed in the stomach EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 166
as a man yells "Alanna! have you seen my wife?!" but she has to just keep going but then the man grabs her and begs "have you seen my wife?" but then sees... the corpse behind her... and rushes off to see the dead Alanna...
and she walks past a man a little boy writhing in pain as his older female relatives try to help him and she keeps going past the fleeing crowed who throw themselves on the ground as the glow of fire starts up above them and more building crumbles down and Arya walks by a street aflame and a man barges into her and she looks up in fear at at the passing dragon and she passes by an alley that's filled with people cradling their loved ones who have had their faces burnt off by Dany's attacks EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 167 and Arya sees the end of the alley is blocked by flames but all around her buildings start collapsing and a dude tries to run but gets hit by falling debris and Arya looks up to see DROGON FLYING OVERHEAD STILL SPITTING FIRE and Arya runs for her fucking life down an alley into a crowd of people stampeding down the street away from the dragon and she falls to her knees and that was all one-take wew laddy now that was kino and literally what Yemen is like daily thanks to AmeriKKKa and the British Pedophisles
then back with Sandor he is landing on the stairs just getting bullied at this point lmao and as if to show they really are kindred spirits we cut to Arya struggling to get to her feet as the stampede passes over her and Sandor getting picked up and Arya trying to not get crushed and Sandor getting smashed against a wall and Arya getting crushed and Sandor being thrown into some rubble since Gregor is like a Terminator from Terminator Salvation that likes to throw people around rather than just kill them instantly like he could
and Arya struggles to get up as Gregor pushes his brother into a wall and starts crushing him but SANDOR PUNCHES GREGOR IN THE FACE SO HE RETURNS THE FAVOR SENDING HIM DROPPING LIKE A SACK OF SHIT ONTO THE GROUND and Arya crawls along the ground as Gregor punches his brother again but catches him by his throat and lifts him up and then punches him against a wall again and Arya crawls away from more rubble falling down and Gregor picks Sandor up onto his knees and raises his fist up high with blood dripping off of it in slo-mo
and brings it down thumping it into his head as Arya is knocked down again by rubble and charging people... but then a random woman called Nora from the subtitles, oh bloody nora! offers "take my hand! take my hand! get up! get up!" and yanks Arya to her feet but they hear Drogon roaring overhead and everyone ducks and cowers as a gout (lol) of flame shoots out over the sky and as the crowd starts to flee again Arya is pulled away from Nora and she tries to stay with her but the crowd takes her down the street and a building collapses behind her throwing corpses into the wall probably killing her EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 168
and then a burst of collapsing building engulfs Arya too and we cut back to Sandor getting thrown face first into a wall and his face is a mess and there's blood leaking out of everything but he stays conscious and Gregor grabs him by the throat again and lifts his moaning brother up until he's a foot off the ground and finally eye-level with him and he puts him up against the wall and starts slowly choking him and Sandor gargles and tries to pry his brothers hands off of him but it's no hope as the building collapses around them and Sandor fiddles to get a dagger out of his belt and HE STABS GREGOR IN THE SHOULDER WITH IT... TO NO EFFECT... SO HE STABS AGAIN... AND TRIES STABBING HIM IN THE RIBS, THE NECK, THE SIDE, THE CHEST WHILE SCREAMING "FUCKING DIE!!!"
AND PLANTS THE DAGGER IN HIS SHOULDER AS GREGOR SMASHES HIM INTO THE WALL WITH A LITTLE SMILE ON HIS ROTTEN LIPS AND SANDOR STARTS LAUGHING MANICALLY AS HE FRUITLESSLY STABS HIS BROTHER IN THE SHOULDER AND GREGOR DOES HIS MEME WHERE HE PUTS HIS THUMBS IN HIS EYES AND DRAGS HIM UP THE WALL AND SANDOR STARTS SCREAMING IN AGONY AS HIS BROTHER STARTS CRUSHING HIS EYEBALLS BUT HE FEELS WHERE HIS BROTHER'S OWN EYEBALLS ARE WITH HIS RIGHT HAND AND WITH HIS LEFT...
SANDOR RAMS HIS DAGGER STRAIGHT THROUGH GREGOR'S EYE SOCKET AND OUT THE BACK OF HIS SKULL!!! AND GREGOR DROPS HIS BROTHER AND STAGGERS BACK LOOKING DOWN AT HIM WITH HIS ONE REMAINING EYE
ok I'll admit I liked it I mean I was expecting it to have more to do with, well, fire for one, like Sandor shows he's conquered his fear of fire by using it to set Gregor alight and destroy his zombie body or Greg tries to use it against him and he just charges straight through it or even sets his own sword alight with wine or something and fights with it as a callback to Beric but I guess diving into a lake of flames is another way to overcome your fear of fire which I think is what they're going for even though it didn't seem like Sandor even knew the ground was on fire and the fall woulda killed at least him anyway lul, but also the plot like it woulda made a lot mroe sense if it took place at a trial by combat for Cersei or something but whatever that was just the kind of dumb shit I love, a drag out knock-down fight that goes through several stages of Gregor not even trying until he gets his helmet knocked off, then a desperate sword fight and then him taking off his armor to just annihilate Sandor in hand to hand and just as it's revealed just extremely impervious he truly is Sandor "wins" only by thinking fast and using the environment against him like when the James Bond movies were allowed to still be fun, epic, I like it and am glad Arya didn't appear out of nowhere to save him or some dumb shit and it was entirely about how determined Sandor was I think what they were going for is Sandor won thematically because he was ready to die which is a pottery counter to Gregor refusing to die being his strength up until that point, rip both of these two who were some of the best of these archetypes of unstoppable killing machine brute and wandering damaged badass anti-hero since there's only so much depth you can give le strongman likes to le kill people but they did a good job by focusing mostly on the effect he has on his victims and the fear he spreads throughout the land and the way he's used as an attack dog by those around him so it's actually fine that he never gets any lines after his big moment in season 4 and when most anti-heroes are written they can't have them be too edgy like they only do bad deeds to those who deserve it but Sandor was actually a cunt who murdered an innocent child and robbed a starving family lmao so it's more believable that this guy hates himself and is capable of killing anyone, a very predictable ending that they'd both end up in a scene like this and the older show probably would have le subverted your expectations with having Sandor just die after his fight with Brie and Gregor just die from being poisoned by Oberyn but if they're going to go the normie pleasing route (which lets be real is the only reason Sandor was even re-introduced to be le funny gruff badass man and fight the baddies) they did it in a pretty fun way
then in the city streets Jon is looking up at the burning buildings when MORE STASHES OF WILDFIRE GET SET OFF AND SUPERSONIC CRACKS LET OUT AS GREEN EXPLOSIONS BURST OUT OF THE BUILDINGS ACROSS THE CITY!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 169
and injured men scream in terror as flaming chunks of building rain down around them and Jon looks at Davos as everyone around them is yelling in agony or fear and trying to escape as Drogon's roar gets closer and he just sheathes his sword and yells "we need to fall back!" but his men are barely listening as one stabs the shit out of someone on the ground and he pulls another guy doing the same off another guy and everyone only starts listening as the streets behind them erupt in fire as Drogon's blasts get closer and he tries to scream at a civvy "get outta the city!" BUT THE CIVVY IS BURIED UNDER BURNING RUBBLE!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 170
and he orders "fall back" and everyone looks up AS DROGON KEEPS DROPPING FIRE ON EVERY BUILDING LEFT STANDING! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 171 and he leads everyone who'll listen down the street back to the gate
then later we see Arya laying amongst blood and rubble and corpses absolutely coated in ash like some 9/11 shit and there's some booms in the distance and people yelling and more people running by her and she stands up trying to stop her head ringing and coughs up dust and looks up to see... oh shit... the bell tower above her is cracking and starts collapsing and IT SMASHES DOWN BEHIND HER CRUSHING CIVILIANS ALL AROUND ITEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 172
and Arya comes to hiding behind a wall as people scream and horses rush past and she sees civilians cowering in fear in front of her and she walks forward to find a woman holding her child and tells her "you can't stay here, you have to keep moving" but one cries "we cant go out there" and Arya insists "you have to" and another girl says "everyone out there is dead!" but Arya screams "if you stay here you'll die! follow me! follow me!" and drags the woman and her girl out and the other civvies follow them but A DOTHRAKI RIDER RUNS UP AND STARTS CUTTING DOWN CIVILIANSEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 173
and another two ride up towards Arya and she has to let the woman drop down as she dives out the way and when she gets up and turns back... the woman's child is over her body crying "mama! mama!" as she's been trampled under the horses but before Arya can react she hears DROGON ROARING IN THE SKY AND LOOKS UP TO SEE HIM CIRCLING AROUND TO COME BACK DOWN TOWARDS THEM AND SHE RUSHES TO DRAG THE WOMAN TO HER FEET WHO'S STILL ALIVE AND HER AND HER DAUGHTER DRAG HER DOWN THE STREETS AS DROGON GETS CLOSER AND CLOSER BUT THE WOMAN KNOWS THEY CANT MAKE IT AND YELLS TO ARYA "TAKE HER! TAKE HER!"
JUST AS DROGON FIRES HIS FLAMES DOWN INTO THE STREET IMMOLATING THE TWO OF THEM AND ALL THE INNOCENTS AROUND THEM GODDAMN IS THAT FUCKING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 174
DANY IS LITERALLY MAKING SURE SHE KILLS EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE CITY!!! SHE'S LITERALLY COMMITTING GENOCIDE!!! SHE'S LITERALLY ETHNICALLY CLEANSING ALL OF KING'S LANDING!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! THE EEEEEEEDDDDDGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!!
OH GOD I NEED TO LOOK UP THOSE VIDEOS OF THOSE HOARDS OF HIPSTER NORMIES REACTING TO SEE WHOH OOOH HOHOH OHO OH NO NO NONONONO HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
wew that was a great shot of Drogon slowly soaring down ready to do a strafe of the street that was some like North by Northwest Hitchock shit and unlike the scenes of the main characters aaaaaalmost getting overrun over and over and over again during the Battle of Winterfell all this carnage doesn't drag since unlike that episode where you're waiting to see what main character is going to die or not there are people dying on-screen constantly lmao so it's not like "wait what's happening now?" it's just hitting you in the face with the trauma of it over and over again as if you were watching this shit on the news or actually there and can't escape and down in the tunnels under the Red Keep Jaime takes Cersei, quite fucking energetically for a man who's been stabbed in the gut, which I guess they did so when he dies here it seems more inevitable he'd die one way or another and less stupid of him for going back for Cersei, by the ancient dragon skulls as the structure collapses above them trying to get her to safety even if he can't make it and she clings to him for dear life but they find... the escape exit is blocked by rubble... and Jaime hyperventilates as he realizes they're trapped and sad music starts up as Cersei realizes she's going to be buried alive down there as Jaime pointlessly tries to get through and she cries "I want our baby to live... I want our baby to live... I want our baby to live... don't let me die Jaime don't let me die please don't let me die please don't let me die I don't want to die" and Jaime takes his sister protecting her one last time and asks her to "look at me" and she cries "not like this not like this not like this" but he gets her "look me in the eye don't look away look at me JUST LOOK AT ME" and holds her head in his hand again and tells her "nothing else matters... nothing else matters... only us..." using what used to be their fucked up twisted narcissistic obsession with each other to comfort her a final time and she calms down and puts her crying face against his and they both nod to each other like they're ready to go with at least having each other and never letting the world keep their forbidden love apart no matter how twisted or dangerous >TFW THE INCEST FETISH IS SO STRONG IT KILLS YOU
and Jaime holds his sister-lover Cersei tight as the tunnel starts to implode behind them and... THE LANNISTER TWINS ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH UNDER THE CASTLE... they were born together, they created life together, they died together... it's like pottery... it rhymes probably the best outcome the characters themselves could have hoped for since they both had a date to getting roasted alive by Dany and if this was old GoT they'd have made so many powerful enemies they'd end up getting tortured to death by one of the other 5 Sand Snakes or if this was even not season 8 where they need to rush everything even season 6 or 7 would have some epic twist where Jaime takes off his face to reveal it's Arya and then stabs her for le ebin shock twist or something that was almost a heroic death where the two lovers die in each others arms like at the end of Star Wars Rogue One or something well despite her not really having anything to do this episode which you'd think would be her time to shine now she has extra reason to live with being pregnant and being noted for doing whatever it takes for her and her children to survive but she never really did anything at all after taking power since the show went straight into retard land after that but despite some lame shit last episodes like almost every other character Cersei is probably one of the best female villains I've ever seen (and probably the best and most coherent character in the whole show since other GOAT characters like Varys went wonky and lame from Dany contamination all the way back in season 5) since you understand every decision she makes, she really deserved something more special than being crushed by rocks, like she begs for her life to Dany reasoning that she's pregnant, so Dany is just like ok I'll just hold you captive for 9 months and kill you as soon as you give birth rekt for some fucked up pottery like that that being so dedicated to being a mother is what got her into this mess and will only serve to prolong her suffering, or have her being there actually mean something for the Dany storyline, like Cersei has Jon hostage and Dany threatens to start nuking KL if she doesn't let him go and Cersei calls her bluff and that's why Dany suddenly starts genociding everyone and it's actually Cersei who breaks realizing she's dead anyway and she might as well let the 3% of her that's a good person keep her people from being exterminated and surrenders and Jaime tries to save her by demanding trial by combat but Dany just has Drogon fry them both so Cersei wouldn't be completely useless in the final ep and it'd make a bit more sense for Dany to go full Shoah if it's in response to something Cersei does rather than just bells ringing, or at least it turns out she was never pregnant at all and was just lying to manipulate Jaime and Euron into beta orbiting her and Euron finds out and kills her since he's not as easily played as her brother, I read that they actually filmed a scene where Cersei has a miscarriage but they didn't use it because they didn't want to bother with the results which would have been Cersei sending Bronn to kill Sansa thinking she poisoned her in a paranoid fit but they replaced it with nothing with it to the extent that she's acting like she forgot she's pregnant and acting like a retard trying to get herself killed despite Cersei's entire character being about her being an overprotective mother to the extent that it made Joffrey a little sociopath shit and Tommen and Myrcella too soft and trusting to survive in this world all beacuse Tywin raised his own kids to think they had some special destiny just from being his but that was in the first half of the show when someone knew how to write women and characters in general, and Jaime started out already as a nice subversion of the hansom knight in shining armor trope by being a complete cunt but he had a very good redemption arc that was also believable because of his relationships with Brie and Tyrion bringing out the best in him despite the writers seemingly just giving up for his final episode lol I thought he was maybe just lying to Brie to make sure she didn't follow him and was only going to KL to try and save the day but they didn't do anything with it and it's left also ambigious like if Cersei rang the bells or not if he was actually just going back to be with his sister and not try to save everyone but overall their relationship was probably the best "forbidden love" romance I've ever seen usually this sort of thing is super contrived and only there for the sake of an ebin twist there could have been some improvements like maybe establishing when they first started fucking but they covered quite a lot of bases like Tywin finding out and it becoming public knowledge and how this effects their children and such and there were some hick-ups along the way like a certain rape-shaped bump in the road and I feel like maybe it would have been pottery if it was more obvious that Cersei had ordered the surrender bells rung to have the same sort of fucked up kino that Ned got where wanting to protect their family won out in the end and they did the sensible thing and die anyway for it on the whims of some madcunt but I guess I'm fine assuming that she did give that order even if it was off-screen and Jaime regressing to his relationship with Cersei would have maybe been better if it had always been trying to get to her to talk her out of conflict since him leaving Brie didn't ring true but the scene with Tyrion made it make sense that he wasn't just going back for the sake of their fucked up relationship but to be a hero and save the city and it was in fact having that fucked up intimacy with his sister that could be the only thing to save them and him having to fight through Euron to show how dedicated he was was a good tough so I think this is actually a fitting end to these two characters that actually do deserve their place as iconic in pop-culture now and a very very special shout-out to them for probably normalizing incest so every second porn video is about fucking your sister I'll always be grateful and Jaime will always be a secret hero of mine and Cersei will always be my waifu... rip the real main characters of the show who's plots were always the most interesting no matter what dumb shit the supposed main male and female characters were up to
then we cut to some white smoke and ash and pan down through some wreckage that's very 9/11ish and even the soundtrack sounds a bit like sirens and we find Arya, who's survived her like... fourth almost getting killed sequence much I guess could be le realistic if you were going to live through such chaos you'd probably encounter danger around every corner but it's probably only on-screen for le tension if she will le die, covered in blood with other blood all over the wall behind her standing up barely with the strength to do so shivering and breathing shallow, for a second I thought half of her face was gonna be all fucked up and burned so she'd become like The Hound anyway for some fuckedup pottery but I guess not and it'd be pointless anyway since she can change her face lol, and she forces herself to walk out of cover and her face drops and she tears up as she sees... the street is just gone... and everyone that was in it... is now ash... piles of ash...
and she looks down and sees the charred corpse of the little girl who died trying to save her mother.... and her toy horse still clutched in her crispy hand... and a tear rolls down Arya's face as she remembers she used to be a little girl like that... but then she looks over to see... a real white horse, maybe the GC commanders horse? if this episode wasn't clearly well into mental land I'd theorize that maybe Bran is warging into it and sent it to help his sister out of the city but I'm guessing it's just random le cool visuals, well it's just standing in the street... and it sniffs at the ground and looks around like it has no idea wtf is going on either... and Arya slowly walks towards it and notices it's covered in blood but it seems to be humans blood and the horse looks at her like... wtf m8... and she reaches out
and it lets her take it's reigns and it walks up to offer it's back for her to ride as if these two beings of separate species both have complete understanding of each other that they need to get the fuck outta here and she rides him away through the burning black ruined city towards the blown open gate... think there might be some kino there where Arya is implied to worship the God of Death and Death rides a pale white horse in the apocolypse and that's the mount that comes to take her away from all this death like she really is his Chosen One™, Arya is really a broken character since like yeah it's a really good scene when Sandor sends her away but are we forgetting that Arya literally has shapeshifting abilities and such good stealth she can sneak around supernaturally augmented zombies lmao she could probably solo the entire Red Keep, they could have had her do something more interesting having come all the way down to KL for no reason like maybe killing Northern soldiers to save the civilians and then she ends the show as an outlaw opposed to her house since she stood up against their war crimes and is left some Houseless avenger of the weak or some shit
anyway cut to black and music dies out... and... episode over? ok I guess the final 10 mins of my video are some dumbass interview shit where DnD describe what you just saw lmao ok thanks and the funniest thing about these dumb things is like the sound mixing on the clips they show are super fucking bad for some reason? like... it's not the version they air, they super compressed and fucked up the audio when editing it into these interview clips, so it makes the show look and sound like shit, amazing, now obviously there's a lot to talk about but I feel like they didn't show Dany at all after she makes her decision and we don't even get any close-ups of Drogon because this episode was all about seeing the terror of a city being invaded from the point of view of the people inside the city and we'll deal with Dany's character next episode so I'll leave talking about her until then but hopefully it's done well and they didn't miss a beat not showing her decision making process more this episode (probably unlikely if I know my season 8) but yeah like I've said before I fucking love this shit where they show the horrors of war, watching the real version of this episode, just footage and footage of dead bodies from liveleak, should be mandatory viewing for anyone living in a NATO country before they vote lmao because this is what the result is, just absolute carnage and panic and sorrow as something flies above you dropping explosions down you can't effect in any way piloted by someone in no danger at all because some politicians had a disagreement over who gets to order impoverished serfs around which is why I think this is my favorite episode ever of nuGoT from seasons 5 to 8 since like there have been other hela epic set-piece episodes but the big ones like the Battle of the Bastards was just generic good guy miraculously survives being a complete fucking idiot and then the baddy gets his comeuppance after a dues ex machina saves the day and the Battle of Winterfell was very high quality but just a big let down story wise since there was so much mythology built-up and hinted at between the Night King and Bran that went literally nowhere and it turns out you can just stab him lmao but this is what Game of Thrones should be about, oh you think Cersei is the baddy and Dany is the goody come to stop her? no sorry Dany literally does the fucking holocaust on millions of innocent civilians and Jon's army goes about butchering and raping the survivors lmao get both barrels of Realisms Bitch™ to the face, this was basically the TV version of the airport massacre level from Modern Warfare 2 and I fucking love it
we open on Tyrion walking through the ashes of the Golden Company looking around just scared and hurt as fucking human ashes blow in his face and he looks down to see a dead little girl and walks through even more corpses and he passes a shirtless man covered in dirt and burns and only wearing a rag and Tyrion looks over to see a survivor in an alley with their head in their hands sobbing and Jon and Davos catch up with him and they look up to see a dude with his entire face missing and they look in the doorways of just skeleton after burnt out skeleton fills up every place living people used to be like some Judgement Day shit and Tyrion finds the little girl Arya tried to save and sees the toy in her hand and her still holding her mother's corpse like some Pompeii shit and he mutters "I'll find you later" and Jon warns "it's not safe" and he just looks at him like who cares and when Jon offers "let me send some men with you" he just says "I'm going alone" like there's no point anymore and he walks past a massive heap of smouldering corpses and past a destroyed bell that literally has a crack in it like le Liberty Bell for top American imagery and he goes towards what is left of the Red Keep have to say the production design here is really great it really looks like a fucking nuke went off or something
and we cut to the few surviving Lannister soldiers being held captive by the Unsullied and Grey Worm pronounces to them "in the name of the one Daenerys Targaryen... I sentence you to die" and Jon calls "Grey Worm!" and marches up with Davos and goes up to his face and tells him "it's over, these men are prisoners" but he tells him "it is not over until the queen's enemies are defeated" I like SS Commandant Grey Worm he needed some development and Hitler!Dany needs a good enforcer and he's the best fit for the job since everyone else around her is a moralfag and Davos tries to reason desperately "how much more defeated do you want them to be? they're on their knees!" but Grey Worm just snaps "they are breathing" and Davos tries to say "look around us friend: we won" but Grey Worm just explains "I obey my Queen's commands, not yours" and Jon asks "and what are the Queens commands?" and Grey Worm stares him in the face like a robot like it's the easiest choice he has to just slip back into being a mindless drone "kill all who follow Cersei Lannister: these are free men, they chose to fight for her" wait isn't the whole point of Dany's mission here that she wants to free people from Serfdom too lol? and he takes out a knife but Jon grabs his arm and HIS UNSULLIED SOLDIERS ALL LOWER THEIR SPEARS AT ONCE AND ALL OF JONS NORTHERN SOLDIERS TAKE OUT THEIR SWORDS
and Davos has to go "easy men! easy! easy!" and Grey Worm maddogs Jon's arm and then him and Davos comes up and says "we should speak with the Queen" as he can see the Unsullied are mercing these guys with or without them going with them and Jon lets go of Grey Worm's arm and they walk off as GREY WORM STARTS SLITTING THE PRISONERS THROATS ONE BY ONEEDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 175 oh I thought he was going to go with Jon to talk to Dany about this but I guess Jon just wants to get out of this show as quick as possible and doesn't care about saving defenceless people lmao well that was a good last pointless lazy characterization attention drawing edgy thing for the road and a nice number to get to, rip "edgy, I like it gimmick" you served my thread well even if you were a little underused in the last 2 seasons since the show sold the fuck out to normies who couldn't handle an off-screen rape scene, I probably under used it since there is gore in almost every scene but I was thinking along the lines of when it's over the top pointless cruelty and not like just usual war of two armed guys fighting
then we see Tyrion walking into what's left of the Red Keep he used to live and work in all those years ago and he walks along Cersei's destroyed floormap in her apartment and walks past the table Tywin used to hold court at and goes up to his father's old desk and picks up a torch that still lights and takes it down into the castles catacombs his brother once rescued him through and when he gets into the caves he finds them blocked off by rubble and he sees just a tiny crack of light at the top that only he could fit through and makes a go of it and once he gets through he finds the dragons old skull there and walks over to a pile of rubble where the exit is he tried to get Jaime to save their sister through and he stumbles across it until he finds... his brother's golden hand... and he falls to his knees and starts to take the bricks away to reveal... JAIME'S DEAD BODY... and Tyrion breaks down crying but keeps digging bricks off of him as he sobs in sorrow that his brother's only dead because he unlocked his chains and sent him on a pointless mission he didn't even turn up in time for and he moves some more bricks to uncover... CERSEI'S DEAD BODY and Tyrion gets so upset he starts smashing a brick into the rubble as now his siblings are gone he's now officially lost his entire family, he killed his own father, his nephew and niece were murdered, his other nephew fucking killed himself, his sister killed his uncle and cousin and now his brother and sister were buried alive as the city around them was razed for no reason, Peter Dinklage gives a great performance as always but I thought it was a bit wack to have him literally find their bodies since it's a bit obvious they'd be dead and finding them under only a few bricks and not the entire tunnel being filled in makes it seem like dumbass Jaime could have saved them by just like hiding in the dragon's skull or just moving a few meters to the left or something lul and this contrivance of Tyrion having to find the bodies which should really be burried alive and he should really have no fucking reason to think he could find them since they could be anywhere within or out of the Red Keep alive or dead but he needs to have this scene due to lazy writing so he knows they're dead goes to show these deaths were really underwritten, the most obvious non-lame conclusion would be Dany fries them both so it has some meaning and Tyrion can see or some pottery where like both Tyrion and Jaime meet up and are trying to get to the Red Keep and then they see a crowd rioting and it's hundreds of people beating Cersei to death as she got caught trying to flee through the streets and Jaime cant help himself but run down to save her and gets beaten to death by the mob too as Tyrion tries to stop him but knows he'll die too if he goes down with him or hell Tyrion cant help himself but try to talk Jaime out of it and just gets killed too so the whole Lannister family gets killed because of how unpopular Cersei is and her ripples of dysfunction even reached Tyrion who's been trying to save all these people which would be kino but also realism since that's how most tyrants die IRL the common people just grab them and lynch them or like Cersei knows she's going to get horribly killed one way or another so begs Jaime to give her the poison she almost used on Tommen to spare her and he can't take watching his sister die so he takes the poison too and they die crying in each others arms but no they got hit by like 3 bricks with no one else around very epic
and then we see Arya for some reason still walking around the ashes of KL, wait.... where'd her horse go? whatever and she looks outside the city to see the Dothraki riding around all riled up and celebrating their victory and Jon walking through them to find two lines of Unsullied guarding the path to what looks like the front of the ruined Red Keep I think and Jon walks through the ranks of Unsullied to start walking up the huge steps and Grey Worm appears and maddogs him wait... how the... how the fuck did Grey Worm get there before Jon? did he suddenly run up there super fast while Jon was taking the scenic route to enjoy the visuals of Dany's fashy parade? I know all the characters unlocked fast travel across the world map last season but this is just getting silly
and Jon hears Drogon roar and looks behind himself to see the dragon flying over the Dothraki who go apeshit cheering for what is essentially their god and the hundreds of Unsullied just stand there like perfectly disciplined statues showing the range of men Dany can command and the giant beast disappears over the wreckage (where the... where the fuck did all these Dothraki and Unsullied come from? didn't they all... like... die to the zombies? what the fuck is happening?)[/SIZE] and Jon steels himself and keeps walking up to the top where... MEIN FUHRER DANY IN HER FASHY AS FUCK BLACK OUTFIT WALKS OUT WITH DROGON SPREADING HIS WINGS BEHIND HER SO SHE LOOKS LIKE THE FUCKING DEVIL
AND HER DOTHRAKI HOARD SCREAM AND SHRIEK IN WORSHIP OF HER LIKE SIEG FUCKING HEIIIIIIIIL :hitler: while this is absolutely hysterical they're doing this to such a beloved character by normies I think all the people saying this imagery is overdone can eat shit since guess what this is how facism works in real life, no dictator gets on stage and says "I'm going to get you all killed in a pointless war and then top myself when the country implodes lol" no they use literally the exact same rhetoric as Dany has used the entire show where yes the leader might rant about how they're entitled to power and how brutal they are but don't worry they're only brutal to [designated bad group] and will empower your group unencumbered by any other power structures which they will dismantle which seems super cool and badass just like how Dany looks here and even when it's going well the rallies talking abut taking out the enemy never stop until you're in the designated bad group for not wanting to be conscripted or living in the wrong town and are getting burned alive in an airstrike and it works every single time since the average person is about as smart and moral as these Dothraki and love people telling them what to do and are shocked when it ends in a nightmare every single time since humans no think on big scales too good
SHE LOOKS OVER HER FORCES OF PERFECTLY DISCIPLINED UNSULLIED... AND SMILES TO HERSELFwhere the fuck did all these fucking Unsullied and Dorthraki come from? do the Unsullied reproduce by mitosis since they're asexual? did the Dothraki's fucking respawn timers refresh because Dany is a player character in an RTS? and she calls out in Dothraki or Valyrian or whatever for maximum "fascist leader yelling in foreign language" Hitler imagery"blood of my blood!" and they all calm down real fast to listen in respect but also fear and she declares "you kept all your promises to me" oh god is she going to Hiroshima her two armies too because she's got no use for them and doesn't want them rampaging around all of Westeros or something oh lordy and she gets a proud smile and compliments them "you killed my enemies in their iron suits" with her lips trying to escape her face since Emilia is powering up to maximum overacting
and they all cheer remembering her speech to them when they first saw Drogon and she goes on "you tore down their stone houses" well that was mostly the dragon to be fair and she goes on "you gave me the Seven Kingdoms!"doing the meme where she barely raises her voice when talking to thousands of people several hundred meters away from her since she's actually acting on a greenscreen set lol and DROGON POKES HIS HEAD OUT AND ROOOAAAAARS AS THE DOTHRAKI GO WILD CHEERING THEM ON
and Jon looks over at her forces shook af and she says to Grey Worm and says the "Torgo Nudho" meme again which I think is his real name they just forgot he didn't want to use anymore and commends him "you have walked beside me since the Plaza of Pride... you are the bravest of men, the most loyal of soldiers... I name you commander of all my forces, the Queen's Master of War!" with a manic proud smile on her face and all Grey Worm's Unsullied brothers stamp their spears in support of him even though he was already in command of them he just has the Dothraki now who all holler in support of him too probably to not get Drogon'd lol and Dany turns back to her celebrating forces and as Tyrion sneaks out from the Red Keep behind her she calls out "Unsullied... all of you were torn from your mothers' arms and raised as slaves... now... you are liberators! you have freed the people of King's Landing from the grip of a tyrant!" uhhhhhhh yeah that's one way of looking at it and they tap their shields in unison to show their support but she goes on "but the war is not over... we will not lay down our spears until we have liberated all the people of the world!" uuuuuuuuuh oooooooohhhhh and they all start stamping in support and Jon perks up in a bad way when she says "from Winterfell to Dorne... from Lannisport to Qarth... from the Summer Isles to the Jade Sea!"wait didn't she already overthrow Qarth or did they just not do anything about it being retaken lmao and why is she talkig about overthrowing Winterfell when Jon is loyal to her and the last Dorne leaders were loyal to her? and isn't Lannisport already free since all the Lannisters are dead or working or her? wtf? and Tyrion's face is tripping him as he realizes she's going to exterminate his entire hometown and Dany really gets into it yelling "women! men! and children! have suffered too long beneath the wheel!" as loud as she can doing it literally epic Hitler style
and Drogon roars as she screams "will you break the wheel with me?" and Drogon does the full T-Rex screeching meme as the two armies show their vigorous support and Arya appears glaring daggers at Dany and the Dothraki start riding their horses up and down like popping wheelies (wait how do they understand Valyrian? jesus christ) and Dany breathes heavily like she's literally getting high on the admiration and is about to fucking cum
and Tyrion starts walking towards her and gives a shifty look to Grey Worm who doesn't notice and he comes up beside Dany and looks out over her sea of soldiers and she looks down at him and Drogon lets out a roar as if he can smell someone's close to his mother and Dany just says to him "you freed your brother, you committed treason" and Tyrion admits "I freed my brother... and you slaughtered a city" and Dany turns to him in almost shock that he'd dare say that and Tyrion just takes his Hand badge off very awkwardly knowing she'll probably kill him for it... and throws it down the stairs
and the Unsullied... all stop banging their spears... and even the Dothraki stop shrieking... and thousands of men watch as Dany tries to compose herself and forces out the order "take him" and two Unsullied seize the tiny man as Dany glares at him and Tyrion just walks back from where he came with them giving Jon an extremely concerned look and Jon looks over at her like uhhhh and Dany looks at him like what up punk say something bitch I guess Tyrion did that knowing she's going to merc him anyway and might as well show there's someone standing up to her but seems a bit unrealistic that Dany wouldn't have him killed right here on the spot as she's getting all her men super riled up and is clearly hyped up herself but Tyrion's can double up on his factory-issue mandatory main character plot armor from it being meant to fit a regular sized contrived protagonist I guess
and then she walks off with her guards and Jon follows and watches her walk off and beside him appears Arya with her le stealth abilities and he asks "what are you doing here?" as he thought she was back home and he notices how fucked up she is and asks "hey what happened?" and she admits "I came here to kill Cersei... your Queen got there first" (how the fuck does Arya know this? did Tyrion tell her off-screen?) and as they watch Dany being lead away by four guards Jon mutters "she's everyone's Queen now" and Arya warns "try telling Sansa" idk I think Sansa is the sanest of the Stark family who wouldn't do anything to endanger her people and Jon starts hyperventilating and asks Arya to wait for her by the city gates but she stops him and warns "she knows who you are... who you really are... you'll always be a threat to her... and I know a killer when I see one" *looks over at smouldering city a million people were just murdered in* wow you don't say? and they just watch Dany walk away yeah if only we had a super stealthy shapeshifting assassin on our side hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm my noggins joggin :hmm:
then in... some building Jon arrives and some Unsullied give him a shifty look so he gives them his sword and he's let in some room with loads of pots to see... Tyrion, why the FUCK are they letting Jon speak to him? Tyrion is obviously the most manipulative person left alive and Jon is the dumbest fuck left alive lmao and his first question is "did you bring any wine?" lmao (wait I thought we're meant to think Dany doesn't care much for Jon anymore as she can tell he disproves of her? or was she just feeling super edgy in that moment? why's she letting him visit Tyrion when he'll very very very obviously turn him against her?) and he thanks him for visiting since "our Queen doesn't keep prisoners for very long, I suppose there's a crude kind of justice... I betrayed my closest friend and watched him burn... now Vary's ashes can tell my ashes: see I told you" yeah it's almost as if that was a really hastily written conclusion to his character and very very very obviously Dany was about to go off the chain and very very very obviously Varys was smart enough to not make it worse and only make a move on her if he was sure it would work I mean in the shows universe in the actual episode he literally just went up to Jon and asked him to do a treason but this is season 8 so everyone needs to roll for their IQ on a D20 as it is DnD writing it afterall and Tyrion autsitically stares at Jon and notes "it just occurred to me, I'm talking to the only man alive who knows where I'm going" yeah that was another plot line dropped real fast lmao you'd think it would come up with him fighting the undead and everything like it'd turn out the Night King could control Jon since he's technically a zombie or Jon actually saw something on the other side that would help them beat the Night King but nope the God of Plot just needed him alive to scream at a dragon for a bit and Jon sighs heavily as Tyrion asks him "so is there life after death?" and Jon admits "not that I've seen" and Tyrion tries to joke "I guess I should be grateful, oblivion is the best I can hope for" I know you're depressed but at least hope for a less shit game and he admits "I strangled my love, I shot my own father with a crossbow, I betrayed my Queen" and insists "I'd do it again now that I've seen what I've seen, I choose my fate, the people of King's Landing did not" and Jon pathetically says "I can't justify what happened, I won't try, but the war is over now" which sounds very much like justifying it lul and Tyrion just asks "is it? when you heard her talking to her soldiers, did she sound like someone who is done fighting? she liberated the people of Slaver's Bay, she liberated the people of King's Landing (American style) and she'll go on liberating until the people of the world are free... and she rules them all" as he stands up and Jon knows what he really means by that but calls him out "and you've been by her side counselings her... until today" and Tyrion just admits "Varys was right, I was wrong, it was vanity to think I could guide her, our Queen's nature is fire and blood" alright so... if... if at the time Tyrion didn't want Varys to turn on Dany which is why he snitched on him why... why did he... tell him Jon's secret at all? uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh and what was that shit about Varys writing letters about Jon's secret? he just burned them and it's not gonna go anywhere? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and Jon gets triggered maybe because he grew up thinking he had the Stark motto that's on it's own depressing but now he has an even worse one and he snaps "you think our house words are stamped on our bodies when we're born and that's who we are? then I'd be fire and blood too, she's not her father no more than you're Tywin Lannister" and Tyrion admits "my father was an evil man, my sister was an evil woman, pile up all the bodies of all the people they ever killed and they still won't be half as many as our beautiful Queen slaughtered in a single day" and dumb shit for brains Jon dares to say "Cersei left her no choice" and Tyrion snaps "the moment the gates fell the battle was over" and cuck boy Jon tries to excuse "she saw her friend beheaded! she saw her dragon shot out of the sky!" and Tyrion finishes "and she burned down a city for it" and Jon starts whining like a bitch "aye it's easy to judge when you're standing far from the battlefield" HE'S FUCKING JUSTYFING HER WAR CRIMES AGAIN! and Tyrion just asks "would you have done it?" and Jon just asks "what?" like his brain is bluescreening from having to admit Dany's a monster and Tyrion tells him "you've been up there, on a dragon's back, you've had that power, would you have burned the city down?" and Jon swallows and says "I don't know" WHAT? HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW? WHY WOULD ANYONE ELSE NEVER MIND THE MOST MORAL MAN IN THE WORLD? I guess they want us to think that riding a dragon is like taking meth or something and you get addicted to it and it gets worse and worse or something but Tyrion calls him out "oh yes you do, you wont say because you don't want to betray her, but you know..." and Jon has to admit it to himself and whines "what does it matter what I'd do?" and Tyrion sadly says "it matters more than anything..." and Jon looks like he's about to top himself when Tyrion makes it worse "when she murdered the slavers of Astapor I'm sure no one but the slavers complained, afterall they were evil men... when she crucified hundreds of Meereenese nobles who could argue? they were evil men, the Dothraki khals she burned alive? they would have done worse to her... everywhere she goes evil men die and we cheer her for it and she grows more powerful and more sure that she is good and right... she believes her destiny is to build a better world for everyone, if you believed that... if you truly believed it, wouldn't you kill whoever stood between you and paradise?" and Jon just closes his eyes and looks up into the heavens as if praying for help and he sits down and starts sobbing as his life got even more burdened somehow
and Tyrion walks to try to comfort him and he says "I know you love her..... I love her too.... not as successfully as you.... but I believed in her with all my heart........ love is more powerful than reason.... we all know that, look at my brother" and he sniffles as he's starting to cry too and turns away ah so Tyrion was getting cucked that night on the ship well at least he can be beta orbiting cuckold #1 now that Jorah is dead and Jon quotes uhhh someone "love is the death of duty" and sniffles and Tyrion asks "you just came up with that?" and Jon wipes his nose and says "Maester Aemon said that a long time ago" if only he could see his niece now lmao good thing he fucking died (also the actor died irl like a year later so rip since he was a good character) oh and I guess that means that Jon is his uhhhh great nephew all along? what a tweet, and Tyrion does the uno reverse card meme "sometimes duty is the death of love" and he sniffles too someone invent kleenex for these two already and he starts quoting the meme "you are the shield that guards the realms of men and you've always tried to do the right thing no matter the cost, you've tried to protect people, who is the greatest threat to the people now?" as always Jon is the most boring character ever since it's simultaneously unbelievable that he actually loves Dany at all and wasn't just trying to woo her so she'd come and help defeat the White Walkers and it's also unbelievable that someone so obsessed with being honerable would have any problem seeing that Dany needs to be stopped before she nukes another city but it's the last episode so we need to get a bit more fucking brooding in for Jon before closing time and Jon purses his lips as if trying to shit the brooding out his ass and Tyrion keeps pushing, doing his thing of manipulating people by simply explaining the truth to them in a way that makes them behave how they probably should rationally react anyway, admitting "it's a terrible thing I'm asking... it's also the right thing... do you think I'm the last man she'll execute? who is more dangerous than the rightful heir to the Iron Throne?" and Jon sighs as Tyrion starts getting to him and tries to sniffle his snot away and pathetically forces out "that is her decision, she is the Queen" and puts his hand on Tyrion's shoulder and whispers "I am sorry it came to this" and bangs on the door to be let out and Tyrion goes for the killshot "and your sisters? do you see them bending the knee?" I like how he rules out Bran who has ascended to pure plot point at this stage lmao and Jon claims "my sisters will be loyal to the throne" but Tyrion raises his voice "why do you think Sansa told me the truth about you? because she doesn't want Dany to be Queen!" and Jon snaps "she doesn't get to choose?" and Tyrion yells "no! but you do! and you have to choose now" as the door very very slowly unlocks and a guard opens it who would have very very obviously heard them conspiring to kill Dany lmao, well I think that's the most dialog we've had in like two episodes that's mostly just been people standing around staring at each other, lets do a wee bit of research
ok that explains a lot, they've gotten lazier and lazier with the dialog and just added more and more spectacle for the normies as the show goes on lul
and then we cut to Jon walking along a big line of Unsullied while mulling this over in his head and he goes outside into the wreckage that's now covered in snow and looks up at the broken Red Keep and suddenly THE RUBBLE IN FRONT OF HIM STARTS TO RISE UP REVEALING... DROGON HAD BURIED HIMSELF UNDER IT TO TRY AND SLEEP IN THE SNOW
AND HE TURNS TO MADDOG JON AND HE SLOWLY LOWERS HIS HEAD RIGHT DOWN TO HIM AS IF TRYING TO SENSE IF JON HAS ANY ILL WILL but he's not getting any bad vibes so just settles down putting his head under his wing to try and sleep in this god forsaken weather I guess because Jon has Targ blood and dragons are friendly to Targs or something and he lets Jon pass into the dark castle
and then we see Dany step out of the darkness as she finds her way to... the throneroom... that she saw in her vision all the way back in Season 2... of the blown open throneroom with snow filling it up... or wait... is that not meant to be snow... is that meant to be... ASH? is she le Queen of le Ashes now? it behaved like snow when Drogon was sitting up but this show's retarded so who knows and she stares in amazement for the first time at... THE IRON THRONE and creepy singing lady music starts up
as she walks towards it mesmerized and she looks around suspiciously as if she can't believe her dream is finally here and is expecting some bullshit to happen like someone to suddenly run out and attack her which uhhhhhh probably will happen so maybe have some fucking guards with you m8 but she gets to the steps and walks up them towards the throne and her face swells with pride for herself as this is it her lifelong ambition and her blood right finally fulfilled as she puts her hand on one of the swords handles and stares at it almost like a long lost lover and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself to consummate their one-sided love looking like she's literally about to squirt
as she turns around... looks to see... an empty room since she has no one that actually loves her left lmao... and turns back to sit down but then Jon steps out and approaches (wait... so the Unsullied don't trust him with weapons to see Tyrion... but let him go see Dany while he's strapped? ya fucking w000000000t m888888888888?) and Dany tells him without looking away from the throne "when I was a girl my brother told me it was made with 1000 swords from Aegon's fallen enemies... what do 1000 swords look like in the mind of a little girl who can't count to 20? I imagined a mountain of swords too high to climb, so many fallen enemies you could only see the soles of Aegon's feet" and she gets a huge happy grin think that might have been a reference to how it is actually described as reaching the ceiling in the books rather than a regular sized chair and Jon makes her face drop in disappointment as he immediately starts bitching "I saw them executing Lannister prisoners in the street, they said they were acting on your orders" were they though? when did Dany get to talk to Grey Worm if it looked like she was just landing for the first time at the top of those steps since Jon was just wandering around and would have seen them talk? does that mean the genocide was premeditated? and Dany defends like it's the most obvious thing in the world "it was necessary" and Jon snaps "necessary? have you been down there?! have you seen? children! little children! BURNED!!!" and Dany reacts as if her nephew is just throwing a tantrum, well that's exactly what's happening sulis, and she tries to easily explain to baby brains Jon "I tried to make peace with Cersei... she used their innocence as a weapon against me, she thought it would cripple me" which is basically this
I'm not sure wtf she's even saying here it would make sense if she just said I have to rule by fear and KL will be an example to anyone else to not immediately overthrow anyone who opposes me as I have the biggest stick in the world which is how real world sanctioned war crimes are justified (literally and unironically what modern day Americans say about Hisoshima and Nagasaki lmao) and Jon asks "and Tyrion?" as he's seeing Dany is losing the plot and isn't taking those peoples humanity into account at all and is hoping she'll care about a close friend but she just steps forward slowly explaining "he conspired behind my back with my enemies, how have you treated people who've done the same to you? even when it broke your heart?" and Jon can't say shit since he fucking lynched a 12 year old for the same shit and he begs "forgive him" and she says like she's just sorry for his loss as if it's got nothing to do with her "I can't" and Jon whines "you can, you can forgive all of them, make them see they made a mistake, make them understand" and Dany gives him a super condescending look like a little boy is whining at aunty to get him McDonalds again and he begs "oh please Dany" like an absolute cuck boiiiiii and Dany lets the eyebrows pop off as she tries to explain tentatively "we can't hide behind small mercies... the world we need won't be built by men loyal to the world we have"
and Jon tries to force out his jumbled idiot thoughts "the world we need is a world of mercy, it has to be" and Dany promises "and it will be" and comes up to him intimately and gets her megalomania on saying "it's not easy to see something that's never been before... a good world" and whispers it to him like she's a comforting aunty and Jon whines "how do you know? how do you know it'll be good" and she puts her hand on his chest and with some dank ass circular logic she explains "because I know what is good" like it's the most obvious thing in the world and she tries to gaslight him with "and so do you" and he breaks down whining some more "I don't" but she assures him "you do! you do you've always known" and he struggles to look her in the eye and asks like he's so scared "what about everyone else? all the other people who think they know what's good?"
and Dany looks like she thinks she's in a video game where they're the only main characters like she actually believes Jaime and Cersei's thing they'd tell themselves that they're all that matters but Dany literally thinks everyone else is an NPC for her to try to arrange into her ideal world and she just goes full fash saying "they don't get to choose" and Jon looks into her eyes realizing that he doesn't even know who Hitler is but this is probably like that
and she holds him tight and asks "be with me... build the new world with me, this is our reason, it has been from the beginning since you were a little boy with a bastard's name and I was a little girl who couldn't count to 20, we do it together, we break the wheel together" and she almost cries with happiness as Jon growls "you are my Queen, now and always" and DANY KISSES HER NEPHEW JON TIGHT ON THE LIPS AND HE STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIS AUNT AND...
and she collapses in his arms with blood trickling out of her mouth and nose for some reason and dies extremely fast for having a dagger only in her sternum uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooookkkkkkkk that uh... that was it? she uh... she doesn't get any final words? she can't like... whisper "dracarys" and have Drogon smash in or something cool? and he didn't have to like trick her or sacrifice someone to get to her or fight Grey Worm or distract Drogon somehow he just... chibs her? uhhhh ok fucking Euron got a more attended to final moment than fucking Dany lmao he got to look directly into the camera and do le ebin quip wtf, if you want to know my reaction to this then it was exactly Emilia Clarke's reaction when she found out this is how Dany dies during the first script reading lmao >mfw my career is tainted forever by shit writing killing off my most iconic character in a cringe manner I feel sorry for her since she seems like such a friendly happy go lucky person in real life that's rare for anyone in hollywood but has been given shit to work with for 8 years
not only is it anti climactic since we've only seen Evil!Dany for literally two scenes but it seems a bit out of character for someone was horrifically painfully honest as Jon to use an underhanded method to kill her like kissing her to get a stab in you'd think Jon being Jon he would literally tell her she needs to change her ways or he'll have to kill her and she tells him to fuck off and then he takes a knife out and has an emotional breakdown about what he has to do and she does too and he horribly has to wrestle her to the ground and stab her several times as she screams for help which would be in-character and something actually dramatic and not just le ebin visual twist with little impact or if he's going to use trickery at least go full edge one last time and have him seduce her into bed and then knife her but that would take Jon being able to plan ahead for more than 1 second and then he could come up with some way to cover it up
to be honest this ending would have maybe made more sense for Jaime to do to Cersei since his whole arc was trying to recover from her toxic influence but it's just super duper obvious this is what was going to happen since Jon is such a by the book, well not literally unfortunately, heroic good guy to the point that it seems the writers forgot that he should have some, you know, obstacles in the way of him concluding his story like some sort of, you know, narrative
but anyway he pants and cries and hears Drogon grumbling in the background and just sits there holding his dead lover/aunts body when... Drogon flies past... but Jon doesn't move... and Drogon appears clambering up the wreckage of the castle behind him... and crawls forward to see Jon laying down his dead mother... and Jon just sits there waiting to be immolated, and he stands up and faces his fate wanting to die on his feet and Drogon leans his face in... but he just wants to check Dany... and he rubs his chin against her corpse trying to get her to move... and he prods her and starts whining as he realizes something's very wrong
and he starts snarling and baring his teeth but he just rears up and ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS in agony into the sky I guess because... Jon's a Targ and he wont... attack a Targ?
AND AS THE THEME SONG KICKS IN THEN FIRES HIS FLAMES FULL BLAST INTO THE THRONE ITSELF SPEWING AS MUCH HEAT AS HE CAN MUSTER INTO IT, TAKE THAT SYMBOLISM FOR POLITICAL POWER!!!
THEY SPOILED THE ENDING OF THE SHOW IN THAT CRINGY AS FUCK VIDEO THAT GOT DOWNVOTED TO HELL AND BACK FROM YEARS AGO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!
and once it's just a puddle, that Dany never even got to sit on the dumb thot, he relents and turns back to Jon as Dany's sad theme music plays as if she ended up breaking the wheel in a way anyway... or like... Drogon did... and Drogon is actually more moral than her.... or I... I guess not since he... killed all those people anyway.... but he doesn't do anything to Jon, he just wants to put his face back down by his mother's body and Jon looks around in utter confusion as Drogon just carefully picks Dany's corpse up by his massive claws and flies off with her almost as if what Tyrion said some maesters thought was true and Drogon was intelligent enough to understand Jon didn't want to do that and it was really his mother's obsession with that fucking chair that got her killed (and he was just like... pretending to be retarded the entire time? or he's actually just a momas boy and was killing people just because she said but now she's dead he's actually a chill guy) and Jon just watches as he gives one final screech and flies off into the clouds across the ocean and cut to black oooooooooooooooooh kaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy I guess before this whole shit starts wrapping up let me address the dragon sized elephant in the room: the whole DANY BECOMING HITLER AND TURNING KING'S LANDING INTO AUSCHWITZ issue
I think it's fairly clear that we're meant to think that Dany has gone off her fucking nut since she's acting pretty delusionally to keep trusting Jon so not just putting on an act that she thinks that was justifiable and from the bells ringing they were making it clear that she didn't need to attack anyone anymore never mind the entire city and all her shit about Cersei using the citizens as human shields doesn't make much sense since she could have just flown straight at the Red Keep and probably easily hunted down Cersei or had her men do it or only destroy that building which yes would have killed a shit load of civvies but it would have been the run of the mill oh woops randos got caught in the cross fire of me destroying this castle but it wasn't on purpose lol collateral damage bullshit everyone is used to in war and not spending like 20 minutes straight methodically making sure every single square inch of the city is in cinders to get the highest kill count she could, you could have even given her a good reason to get most of KL burned down where if Rhaegal hadn't died in such a dumb way and instead got killed by a scorpion so Dany rages out and just goes about killing every Lannister soldier she sees with the civvies caught in the crossfire like what happens in real life and the fire spreading to cause a London Fire scenario (even tho I think irl it only killed like 3 people) rather than a purposeful genocide lmao, I figure Dany's demented child-of-generations-of-inbreeding-brain-rot reasoning for this is what she told Jon and she actually believes that since Cersei were using the people of King's Landing as human shields they were then a weapon Dany had to disarm of her and it was all Cersei's fault for even trying that against her surrender or not or the shit she said to Jon last episode where if no one will love her in Westeros then she has to rule by fear even though both these things are demented and not going to help her cause very obviously and the truth is Dany's probably just an extremely angry spiteful person from inherited mental illness (which kind of goes against the whole shows theme of changing identities based on your environment and that you don't have to be whatever your family is and it'd be ok to balance that out with the reality that yeah your genes do determine a lot about your future but with how Jaime just says lol fuck being reformed for no reason I think the writers were just brainlets who forgot this theme and wanted le grim endings for le dark characters) and a lifetime of abuse from her brother and then Aquaman that can't accept that she just likes to kill people so when put into a situation where it's very clearly an option people keep discussing that the whole city might catch fire if they go in too hard she can't help herself avoid it and needs to come up with some autistic reason to pretend she's still the good guy when doing it on purpose so Jon really didn't have a choice here and any questions about like why would Dany not see from a mile away that Jon would clearly do this the answer is she's driven herself completely insane and delusional with her constant egomaniac rants and indulging her worst impulses I'll talk more about what they did to Dany at the end since this development seems to be the climax of the finale itself but that's at least what seems to be getting depicted here but I think they missed a good deal with not having Drogon killing Jon, like Drogon is outside looking in and watching them the entire time and will obviously murder Jon if he stabs Dany, but Jon has to make the call to sacrifice himself, and you can even have the imagery of Drogon melting the Iron Throne in an actually coherent manner by having Jon sit on it just out of emotional exhaustion and then Drogon smashes in going apeshit and blasts him on it, and maybe even have Jon survive since he's le fireproof Targ but Drogon just eats him, actually oh my god I just understood what happened: SINCE DANY DIED DROGON GOT HIS 50 IQ POINTS BACK THAT HAD BEEN SUPPRESSED ALL HIS LIFE BECAUSE HER CHARACTER RETARDATION FIELD STOPPED LMAO, THAT'S WHY HE'S SUDDENLY SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THE INTRICATE THEMATIC DYNAMICS OF THE SITUATION also I guess it's like pottery or whatever that Drogon has the sentimentality to leave with his mothers corpse but it just makes it even less impactful since like... we just kind of... assume Dany is dead lol? like maybe she was just pretending and will survive since we're well into retard land where Arya survived a stab in the chest and like if they don't give her a funeral pyre there is literally no reason within the shows canon that a Grey Worm couldn't find Dany's corpse and get a Red Priestess to literally bring her back to life and she can go elope with Jon or whatever
p.s. I'm glad I fucked about procrastinating on this thread or 2 months since I just read an article about the script for this ep being released online and the explination for this scene is literally "Drogon wants to burn the world but he will not kill Jon. He breathes fire on the back wall, blasting down what remains of the great red blocks of stone. We look over Jon's shoulder as the fire sweeps toward the throne — not the target of Drogon's wrath, just a dumb bystander caught up in the conflagration." so he melted the throne on fucking accident lmao, now I know scripts are not exactly canon like a book is, the LOST scripts had some weird fucking shit in it where there was near-constant swearing in the stage direction since usually they don't expect many people to read them, but now adays these things are up for emmy nominations and fuck me is this spelled out, I guess we're meant to think he was just angry in general but wouldn't lash out at Jon beacuse... he's... a Targ? even that's giving them too much credit, another top kek was the opening was described by comparisons to holocaust movie Son of Saul and Hiroshima rofl, also I acknowledge I'm doing here what I think I talked shit about normies doing previously in this thread where everyone hyper focuses on the literal text of a show or movie and only cares about le ebin plot twists and while this episode really does have amazing production values and acting this writing is so bad it is completely compromising every other aspect of the show like the themes and characterization which are reduced to nothing and it gets to the point where you can't even enjoy the visuals because you just kinda feel bad for the crew who put so much time and effort into making this for the sake of D&Ds dumbass braindead writing lmao
ok then we open on Tyrion in his cell and we get a like minute long shot of him just staring off into space waiting to die since they know he's the best actor and then he hears men coming to open his door and he sits up and some Unsullied come in and a raged Grey Worm storms up and then we see him being lead down a hallway in chains yeah did you think of this Jon since it seems like Grey Worm might go a bit fucking mental when he finds out what happened and he marches Tyrion out to the uhhh arena place that was in the last season finale and arranged under a tent is all the remaining Lords of Westeros who I guess were already coming up there to bend the knee to Dany or something we have Sam (who in another fuck-up like the starbucks coffee cup has a fucking water bottle by his foot lmao this must be on purpose at this point, oh and in another continuity error it seems like Grey Worm has a pretty big bulge in his pants in this scene lmao), some dude I've never seen before, what's his face uhhh Edmure the dude who's wedding was the Red Wedding and Jaime forced to surrender that castle, the Stark teens Arya, Bran and Sansa, and their advisers Brie, Davos and Gendry (who it's absurd is still alive since he has zero combat training or experience until facing the worst battle in human history lmao) and Tyrion eyes another two dudes I haven't seen and hurrah Yara is back and what seems to be the new Dornish King from his fancy yellow dress, please note none of these people other than Sansa I guess have any guards so why doesn't Grey Worm just have his men march in and kill them all since only Arya and Brie are the only actually good fighters there?
and Sansa asks concerned "where's Jon?" and Grey Worm just says "he is our prisoner" and Sansa looking very fash herself insists "so is Lord Tyrion, they were both to be brought to this gathering" seems like kind of a brainlet move to gather in the ruins of KL after they must have heard what happened here since they'd obviously be next up on Drogon's dinner menu and Grey Worm just says "we will decide what we do with our prisoners, this is our city now" yeah that's some real nice piles of ash you have there m8 and Sansa threatens "if you look outside the walls of your city you'll find thousands of Northmen who will explain to you why harming Jon Snow is not in your interest" and Grey Worm just claps back "and you will find thousands of Unsullied who believe that it is" and Yara, the new Queen of the Iron Islands I guess, says "some of you may be quick to forgive, the Ironborn are not, I swore to follow Daenerys Targaryen" and Sansa reminds her "you swore to follow a tyrant" and Yara snaps "she freed us from a tyrant! Cersei is gone because of her and Jon Snow put a knife in her heart! let the Unsullied give him what he deserves" and Arya just says "say another word about killing my brother and I'll cut your throat" and Yara finna bouta slap a ho when Davos, the only sensible man left in the show, leaps up saying "friends please! we've been cutting each other's throats long enough, Torgo Nudho, am I saying that properly?" and Grey Worm stares awkwardly at him and Davos admits "if it weren't for you and your men we would have lost the war with the dead, this country owes you a debt it can never repay but let us try, there is land in the Reach, good land, the people that used to live there are gone, make it your own, start your own House with the Unsullied as your bannermen" uhhhhhhhhh hang on... none of them can have kids... how can the Unsullied start a fucking House lmao?
but he goes on "we've had enough war! thousands of you, thousands of them, you know how it ends, we need to find a better way!" but Grey Worm sneers "we do not need payment... we need justice!" and Sansa licks her lips as she prepares for war as Grey Worm insists "Jon Snow cannot go free" and Davos just looks sad and Tyrion tries to say "it is not for you to decide" (how? why does Grey Worm respect anyone here when he could slaughter them all and whatever is left of their cuck armies?) and Grey Worm screams "DO NOT DARE TO SPEAK! everyone has heard enough words from you" knowing it was him whispering in Jon's ear that did this since Jon's a beta bitch boy who couldn't have decided to do that himself and Tyrion flinches trying to summon some will power to talk himself alive just a bit more and Tyrion admits "you're right, and no one's any better for it, but it's not for you to decide, Jon committed his crime here, his fate is for our King to decide... or our Queen" wow Grey Worm really stopped Tyrion from talking didn't he... also why the fuck are any of these people listening to Tyrion? why is Tyrion even there if Grey Worm doesn't want him to talk? what? if the issue is what to do with Jon why isn't he just there by himself? or even talking to them at all and not just killing Jon asap lmao? don't half these people hate Tyrion for either being a Lannister or betraying Dany? and beside some other guy I don't recogonize that Lord of the Vale dude who's sitting beside woah, the zoomer King kid grew up to be a Chad! which is like a plot hole in and of itself since wasn't he meant to be sickly? I guess breastfeeding your kids until they're 10 is actually the right thing to do afterall
and his old adviser guy says "we don't have a King or Queen" and Tyrion points out "you're the most powerful people in Westeros... choose one" and looks up at Grey Worm who just maddogs him but then gives in and tells them "make your choice then" and everyone looks super awkwardly at each other and fucking Edmure purses his lips as he bigs himself up and he steps forward and starts up "my Lords and Ladies... I suppose this is the most important moment of our lives: what we decide today will reverberate through the annals of history... I stand before you as one of the senior lords in the country, a veteran of two wars and I like to think my experience has led to some small skill in statecraft and underst-" but Sansa cuts him off "uncle" and he turns and she just says "please sit"
and he gasps like wtf but he looks to the other lords who are super awkward and one fat dude is facepalming and the zoomer King is literally like pretending to look up into the sky to avoid eyecontact he just got dabbed on so bad and Edmure looks at Sam who just criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinges and he looks back at his niece who just motions to his chair and he excruciatingly cringily whacks his sword against a pole as he tries to sit and then just gives up and closes his eyes and sits down like he just wants to go to sleep and doesn't want to be conscious in that moment anymore he'll be remembering and cringing at for the rest of his life
hahahahahahahha absolutely fucking dominated and cucked, why would Sansa dab on him so bad? he's not a bad guy or anything and he's survived like 10 times the suffering Sansa has and was 100% willing to die for his family last season, from the groom of the Red Wedding to the fucking comedy relief character of the finale, Sad!I've been waiting all thread to post this webm so here we go: she might as well have done this to him
and then the Vale Lord dude says "well we have to choose someone" and fucking Sam asks "uh ahem why just us?" and everyone looks at him like dis nigga finna bouta invent democracy or some shit lmao? and Sam stands to explain "we represent all the great houses but whomever we choose they won't just rule over Lords and Ladies, maybe the decision as to what's best for everyone should be left to...... well, everyone?" and everyone looks around like wait...... and then THE LORDS ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING AT SAM TRYING TO INVENT DEMOCRACY HAHAHAHAHA
and once it dies down with even Sansa stiffing a smile Edmure taunts "I suppose you want the crown?" and Tyrion still in chains replies "me? the Imp? half the people hate me for serving Daenerys the other half hate me for betraying her... can't think of a worse choice" as he eyes Grey Worm and a Lord asks "who then?" and Tyrion thinks of a way to phrase this and says "I've had nothing to do but think these past few weeks, about our bloody history, about the mistakes we've made" and looks at Grey Worm accusatory and steps forward goes on "what unites people?... armies?... gold?... flags?.... stories... there's nothing in the world more powerful than a good story, nothing can stop it, no enemy can defeat it"ah yes very meta well I'll tell you what can stop a good story: letting the Game of Thrones TV show writers take over I think this is literally DnD trying to suck off storytellers AKA themselves, amazing, but he turns to the Stark teens and asks "and who has a better story... than Bran the Broken?" oh oh wait autistic furry gaming addict Bran's going to be the King oh oh what thats ah uh h-heh thats uh let's have a wee look at what the actor thought of that
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA not just a prank bro but the camera is indeed over there and what the fuck kind of mean-spirited ass title for a disabled boy King is that lmao? Tyrion you of all people should not be so ableist, why... why's there even going to be a King anyway? I thought Drogon burning the throne meant any kind of monarchy was over? does Drogon understand writing themes better than D&D? and what kind of fucking retard logic is "who has the best story?" did he forget he lives in a medieval setting where people can just make up whatever horseshit they want about themselves like Dany giving herself 12 different tiles or Stannis telling people he was Jesus Christ? JUST TELL THEM JON IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR SO THEY'LL ALL ELECT HIM AND GET HIM OUT OF TROUBLE YOU FUCKING IDIOT at least fucking Sam bring it up that it should be Jon, or Yara since his claim was better than Dany's which she supported, why would anyone here vote for Bran? the whole point of a King is you have no choice because his family has the most power, maybe the Starks really do have the biggest army left but why does no one here even care to try to do something like bribe Grey Worm to join their side or remind them that like Dorn never expended any soldiers wtf is happening with this fucking American Idol shit where they vote for who has the best sob story?
yeah nice shit idea Bran is clearly high as a kite on DMT, jenkem and nohands edging to incest rape scenes at all times clearly the most suitable one left is Sansa who has a way better story but Tyrion bigs him up "the boy who fell from a high tower and lived... he knew he'd never walk again so he learned to fly... he crossed beyond The Wall, the crippled boy, and became the Three-Eyed Raven" wait wait wait DO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A THREE EYED RAVEN IS NEVER MIND THE PEOPLE OF WESTEROS WHO ARE MEANT TO FOLLOW HIM BEACUSE OF HIS LE STORY? HALF THESE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER EVEN MET BRAN BEFORE!!! and he looks at Sam knowing he helped him on that quest and he goes on "he is our memory, the keeper of all our stories, the wars, weddings, births, massacres, famines... our triumphs, mm, our defeats, our past, who better to lead us into the future?" and Sansa oh so helpfully points out "Bran has no interest in ruling and he can't father children" hey you don't know that he might not be able to feel anything but maybe the pipes still work and Tyrion just says "good, sons of kings can be cruel of stupid as you well know, his will never torment us, that is the wheel our queen wanted to break" uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh so then who rules after he dies you dumb midget? and Tyrion suggests "from now on rulers will not be born, they will be chosen on this spot by the Lords and Ladies of Westeros to serve the realm" wait what? doesn't that just mean the same shit will keep happening where the richest/most powerful family will just get everyone to vote in their kids over and over again? or maybe the meme is that like the last 3ER Bran is going to live for thousands of years so there will be no other vote for quite a while rofl? and keep in mind that the joke here is they're not ready or full democracy but this is literally and unironically what America's "democracy" is lmao they don't actually get to vote or their leader at all they legally make a suggestion for their representative delegates to vote on rofl and Tyrion walks up to Bran and says softly "I know you don't want it, I know you don't care about power... but I ask you now, if we choose you... will you wear the crown? will you lead the Seven Kingdoms to the best of your abilities from this day until your last day?" and Bran just stares at him with pursed lips and squinting eyes that reminds me of what ytmnsfw shitposted sigge used to do in videos of him harassing his cat that he'd spam on the forums lmao and Bran reveals the GoT series finale spoilers he read 4 years ago: "why do you think I came all this way?" wait so... really what the fuck was the thematic point of Drogon burning the throne as if fighting for it's power is over if Bran is just the new King now? as if no one will try to take power from him? ya wot? are we meant to think this is all part of Bran's masterplan to becoming King? isn't this a bit sinister to the other characters that he seemingly let millions of people die so he can become King? INB4 he actually warg'd into Drogon to burn the throne so they'd elect him since he's sitting in his own throne all the time anyway so is the obvious choice wait he could warg into Hodor even before he became the 3ER he can probably warg multiple humans now lmao he could have controlled everyone to vote for him uh oh, there needs to be a sequel where Bran is the villain since this could get real dark real fast lul
and Tyrion tries not to cry with relief that he's made the right call and he starts up "to Brandon of House Stark... I say aye" and all the Lords brace themselves for the decision but no one says shit until Sam says "aye" (wait how the fuck does Sam get a vote? I know his father was a Lord but he is both a brother of the night's watch and a maester who both are giving up their rights to inheret land and have heirs lmao so he can't be the new Lord Tarly ???? I guess no one even gives a shit anymore since everyone with any actual resource or military power is dead) and Tyrion nods his thanks and Edmure gives in and says "aye" so it'll at least be his family still in power and a random dickhead says "aye" and even the Vale Lord says "aye" and the zoomer prince I guess trusts his adviser for not letting CIA fuck him over too bad and shrugs and says "aye" and he gets more and more "aye"s until Yara gives hers (having forgotten saying she was loyal to Dany one second ago I guess nice writing, I guess Tyrion just rolled a nat 20 on that persuasion check) and Gendry too who I guess is still qualified from the position Dany gave him (even though the Lords who live in the Riverlands you'd think would have a problem with him only being appointed because Dragon Hitler legitimized him lol) and he's looking pretty fash too and Davos quips "I'm not sure I get a vote, but aye" and Brie, now a knight, gives "aye", and Sansa tears up in a very good take and turns to Bran and tells him "I love you little brother, I always will, you'll be a good King... but tens of thousands of Northmen fell in the Great War defending all of Westeros and those who survived have seen too much and fought too hard ever to kneel again... the North will remain an independent Kingdom, as it was for thousands of years!"YES!!! FREE SCOTLAND!!! SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE NOW!!!wait a fucking second isn't the issue the Northerners only want to be ruled by a Northerner? and Bran is... a Northerner? I guess they're trying to avoid getting cucked like Scotland was IRL by uniting the two countries crowns in one person that's descendants ended up being more English idk and Yara (who hasn't mentioned Theon at all despite him giving his life to save Bran lmao rip) and the Dornish King are like ya wot thot and Edmure looks around like don't blame me lol and Bran just nods, I guess meaning that as King of the Seven Kingdoms he's releasing the North from his power... and Sansa will be the new Queen of the North, and Arya looks over proud that her family and the homelands troubles can finally be over because of her siblings trusting each other even though it's a bit of a let down that Sansa becomes a political mastermind and frees the North by just asking her brother for a favor lmao also if Sansa seperates with the North won't she be controlling the Stark armies and thus leaving Bran with no military might? I guess maybe Tyrion will get the remaining Lannister armies but that doesn't seem like enough and wait..... can like..... can Yara ask for independence of the Iron Isles lmao? or can none of the other Kingdoms be free? did she just not realize she could say that and the time for it is up? awkwaaaaaaard and Dany even promised it to her in front of everyone so that's a very easy wedge for Grey Worm to drive between them but he's clearly as checked out as the writers are
we uh... not going to address that at all? obviously if this show was anywhere near as good as it used to be Jon would have known killing Dany would create an insane power vacuum but did it anyway and the show would end on a new War of the Five Kings with all these people present at each others throats with Grey Worm trying to carry out Dany's will, Yara and the Dornish guy fighting for independence and people trying to overthrow Bran and Sansa which would be pottery but this is retard American tv land we're in now where everything needs to be wrapped up conveniently and Tyrion nods and announces "all hail Bran the Broken, First of his Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the SIX Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm" (wait he's not really king of the First Men anymore that's Sansa now lmao holy fuuuuuck the plot hoooooles) and everyone stands... other than Bran lmaooooo and declares "all hail Bran the Broken!" and sit back down and Bran just stares in a very gormless Jon style manner showing he'll be a very uncharismatic leader but I mean he literally has fucking omnipotent psychic powers and if anything kicks off he can just warg into Drogon lul might as well be him but there's also the problem of a deterministic universe so he can't even prevent things only see that he'll see things and tell people and cause them to happen or some shit which should make for a depressing reign and he stops "Lord Tyrion" who steels himself for some more drama as Bran states "you will be my Hand" and as he goes to say "n-no your Grace I don't want it" Bran insists "and I don't want to be King" and Tyrion tries to explain "I don't deserve it, I thought I was wise, but I wasn't, I thought I knew what was right but I didn't... choose Ser Davos! choose anyone!" but Bran insists "I choose you" like he's a pokemon and a triggered Grey Worm insists "you cannot!" as he wants Tyrion's head but Bran just maddogs him saying "yes, I can, I'm King" and Grey Worm snarls "this man is a criminal, he deserves justice" and Bran claps back "he just got it, he's made many terrible mistakes, he's going to spend the rest of his life fixing them" and just stares blankly at Grey Worm who insists "it is not enough" and Tyrion looks down sad
then we cut to Jon who's all raggedy and bearded having been kept locked up for weeks, not sure why he didn't just, you know, fucking leave lmao maybe he turned himself in so the Unsullied didn't march on Winterfell or some shit, but he could have very easily framed it to look like some random survivor did it since she's walking around the throneroom by herself with massive holes in the walls, hell Drogon took the fucking body he could have just said she hopped on Drogon and flew away lol which everyone there knows she did for all of season 6, and Tyrion says to him "giving you to the Unsullied would start a war... letting you walk free would start a war" oh god I can see where this is going... they're going to send him back to The Wall as his punishment... even though manning it is pointless now the White Walkers are gone and Wildlings are, well, fucking manning it themselves lmao, and he explains oooooooooh here we goooooooo "our new King has chosen to send you to the Night's Watch" whyyyyy would they do that when Jon is literally like the commander of the Wildlings and he could march them down to fight Grey Worm or some shit? why would Grey Worm be ok with this? does he even know what the Night's Watch is lmao? and Jon looks around asking what I want to know "there's still a Nights Watch?" and Tyrion now dressed up fancy just says "the world will always need a home for bastards and broken men" and the exhausted looking Jon just hangs his head and sighs as Tyrion does the memes to him "you shall take no life, hold no lands, father no children... the Unsullied wanted your head of course, but Grey Worm has accepted the justice of a life sentence, Sansa and Arya wanted you freed, but they understand our new King needs to make peace... no one is very happy, which means it's a good compromise I suppose" and Jon can't believe he's sentenced to the fate his dumbass chose of his own free will 8 whole years ago but just wants to know "is it right? what I did?" and Tyrion corrects "what we did" and Jon reveals "it doesn't feel right" and Tyrion just says seriously "ask me again in 10 years" oooh sequel baaaaait and walks up to his broken friend who I guess really did love Dany in some fucked up combination of lover and Queen and aunt and he puts his hand on his shoulder as the two men try not to cry and Tyrion goes to leave as Jon says "I don't expect we'll never see each other again" and Tyrion smirks "I wouldn't be so sure, a few years as Hand of the King would make anyone want to piss off the edge of the world" and Jon tries to smile remembering the first time they met almost a decade ago as his old friend leaves
and then we see Jon I think walking free from his cell in his old wolf fur coat outside and past two Nigth's Watchmen I guess who are escorting him to a fleet of ships..... that came from where exactly? and why is KL looking so intact in the background didn't it all get... you know... Dany'd? anyway these ships that came out of nowhere that will take him back up North I guess and he looks out over the bay to see the Dothraki loading their shit up to I guess just fuck off back home with some dank ass stories to tell... wait... how... how did they even get ships? did Bran ask them nicely to leave? who even speaks their language? don't they have a thing where they follow whoever killed their last leader? or is that not a thing anymore and they're just leaving? even though you'd think a group of battle hardened killers who's entire warrior culture is based around raping and pillaging would have a bit of an issue with their Queen they all swore loyalty to follow being betrayed by Jon after she'd just shown how powerful they can be together and just swore them even more glory and they might want to do something bad to this relatively rich as fuck continent completely depleted of it's armies but I guess they were homesick since the writers forgot the best part of GoT is how violence just leads to worse violence and it never fucking ends it just goes on in a cycle of tit for tat and unforseen blowback forever just like real life and in large scale conflicts it's hard to see who started it or who's in the right, e.g. the first 3 seasons only happen because Jaime shoves Bran out a window and it leads to the War of the Five Kings which effects are still being felt, as opposed to the final fucking episode where an army of savage rapists just decides to leave peacefully lmao that should sum up the whole show having two armies that should be in a bloodlust rage just giving up so the story can be over already lmao
and there's quite a lot of people there in the dock I guess everyone turned up from the surrounding area after hearing there's some uhhh vacancies in town and Jon and Grey Worm share one last maddog with Jon just looking sad but the extremely butthurt look Grey Worm has on his face for the entire second half of the episode is hilarous as if he knows he should kill Jon and Tyrion but these two evil Gods who's followers call them D&D are preventing him from acting rationally
and an Unsullied tells him "all the men have boarded" and Grey Worm says "good, we sail for the Isle of Naarth" I guess fulfilling his idea with Missy to go and protect her people... even though isn't there like lethal butterflies that kill outsiders or something lol? and there's no indication that Naarth would want a bunch of weirdo freak killers who they need to home and feed? could have gone back to Meereen to work with Daario who I'm guessing needs all the help he can get what with being one of the least diplomantic characters in the series who betrays people on a whim that Dany thought wise to give an entire city to lmao and they never addressed what happened to the three other cities Dany also overthrew and the fourth one she killed the leader of so I assume they are just as fucked as Westeros? thanks Mhysa!
but wait.... wait... if the only reason Jon needs to be banished to The Wall is the Unsullied are mad at him..... and they're leaving the fucking continent.... can't he just..... not..... go? uhhhhhhhhttp://rubycalaber.com/img/GoT/brainletjon.png is that... is that really going to be the end of Jon's story? what was the point of the last two season finales ending in twists about his parentage? the rest of Westeros is not even going to find out he has a claim to the throne?
and Jon sees his siblings and we hear Sansa tell him "I wish there had been another way" and we cut to her looking real sad and she asks "can you forgive me?" and Jon can't process his emotions even after all this and just says "the North is free thanks to you" but she adds "but they lost their King" and Jon assures her "Ned Stark's daughter will speak for the, she's the best they could ask for" and she gives him one last hug and he holds his sister but really cousin tight and then turns to Arya and tells her "you can come see me you know, at Castle Black" and when she says "I can't" he jokes "you think anyone will dare tell you women aren't allowed?" and she smiles at how much Jon gets her but she tells him "I'm not going back North" and Sansa asks "where are you going?" and she just asks "what's west of Westeros?" wait if she wants to know so bad why doesn't she just get Bran to warg over there lmao? why does everyone keep forgetting their little brother is a demi-god? oh well have fun dying at sea you dumb thot(also in the script this is followed by the line Jon and Sansa look at each other. They both failed geography. haha what? but both characters spend an inordinate amount of time staring at maps? christ, the acting in this show just got more impressive if THIS is what they're working with) and Jon smiles at his sister and admits "I don't know" and she says all proud "no one knows, it's where all the maps stop, that's where I'm going" and he accepts that knowing if anyone can do it it's her and she tears up that after all she's been through and done she can't really stay with her family anymore and Jon just asks "you have your Needle?" and she grasps it saying "right here" and he holds her tight giving her a bit brotherly hug and then finally kneels before Bran who's always in his throne and says "your Grace..." completely meaning it and then looks up at the stoic boy and apologizes "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me" and Bran smiles a little and does the meme "you were exactly where you were supposed to be" and Jon struggles to rub his two braincells together to understand what he's saying and seems to just give in and step up knowing his brother respects him too and he gives them all one final brooding look for old times sake before walking off to the rowboat to be taken back to The Wall
then later Brie, who's wearing the less-edgy than the all-black Cersei version golden Kingsguard armor and on her chest seems to be Bran's new sigil of a raven, even though Brie is sworn to protect Sansa? wtf is she doing in KL? well I guess maybe she was devoted to Caitlyn's kids in general so now she is protecting Bran? is in that room Jaime was so concerned with with that book he was so concerned with and finds herself on the page he was so concerned with after flicking past the page about Barry, thank god he and Jorah died before they could see what would become of Dany lmao, and reads his entry that goes "squired for Barriston Selmy against the Kingswood Outlaws. Knighted and named to the Kingsguard in his sixteenth year for valour in the field. At the sack of Kings Landing murdered his King, Aerys the second at the foot of the Iron Throne. Pardoned by King Robert Baratheon" huh didn't know he was Barry's squire, and it looks like Jaime added his own paragraph (wait I thought it was dyslexic and you know... right handed lmao? holy lord why are there so many plot holes in this ep) "Thereafter known as the Kingslayer. Ater the murder of King Joffrey I by Tyrion Lannister served under King Tommen I." also there's some weird ye olde shit where they use ":" instead of "." and they also use the british spelling of valor I'm sure that's interesting to some autists somewhere and to honor her lover who cuckqueaned her with his own sister she dips a pen in ink and starts adding far more detials to his life story starting out with presumably "lost his hand" and turns the page to add "Took Riverrun from the Tully rebels, without loss of life. Lured the Unsullied into attacking Casterly Rock, sacrificing his childhood home in service to a greater strategy. Outwitted the Targaryen forces to seize Highgarden. Fought at the Battle of the Goldroad bravely, narrowly escaping death by dragonfire. Pledged himself to the forces of men and rode north to join them at Winterfell. Faced the Army of the Dead, and defended the castle against impossible odds until the defeat of the Night King. Escaped imprisonment and rode south in an attempt to save the capital from destruction." and dips the pen in ink and thinks hard about what else to add and then finishes it with "Died protecting his Queen." and then thinks if she should add any more of the sad details but elects to literally shut the book on Jaime's life (without letting the ink dry, thus ruining the book, you dumb bitch)so history will remember him as one of the bravest heroes to ever live and not a narcissist who fucked his own sister lmao and hopefully no one reads the page about Cersei and realizes that "his queen" was a treasonous whore who bombed the holiest building in the nation in a terror attack, well that was poetic but kind of a contrivance that that room and book survived getting Drogon'd and funny that Brie was such a expectations bending female character but still ended up having her conclusion being about remembering falling in love with the man who took her virginity but left her like any other fair maiden lmao, actually now that I think about it almost every other strong female character (Margery, Lady Tyrell, Elly, Catelyn, Cersei, Dany) got brutally murdered, the savoir Queen went insane because she didn't get dicked, Arya was useless and just got even more innocent people killed, the most morally heroic character died trying to redpill us that women can't be leaders and the new monarch ended up a King anyway rofl, feminists rekt compilation #69 indeed it really is funny how worse the writing got where motherhood was a central theme with the most conflicted male characters never meeting their mothers like Jon and Ramsay and with all these great female characters being crucial parts of the show having great influence on this world from behind the scenes from their different methods of survival, the way they raise their children, their romantic relationships allowing them access to power and it all being very sympathetic and believable but when they become the actual Queens they are written as extremely retarded insane emotional idiots lmao bravo DnD!
and then in the cleaned up court chamber table thing his father used to sit at Tyrion sits down having become Hand for the... third time? I guess Grey Worm was determined to have Jon punished but doesn't care about the dude who's idea it was who can just go on to have the second most power in the nation again? and looks around at all the empty chairs like uuuuuuuhhhhhhh realizing everyone else who used to sit there is fucking dead and starts nervously putting the chairs back into position under the table so they don't seem so empty and when he gets to Varys old chair he stands by it and looks around not knowing what to do now, that was literally like a minute of screentime of Tyrion shifting chairs lmao, they're really overdoing the decompressed style in this episode, people make fun of Better Call Saul for overdoing it but every drawn out sene serves a point to demonstrate something about the characters or their experience, this episode is just kind o wasting time that could be used on, oh I don't know, Dany and Jon having more than one conversation lol, and the door opens so he rushes to take his seat to pretend like he's not horribly depressed but in come his new advisers, fucking Bronn who last time we saw him extorted him and his brother with death threats lmaowhat the fuck is Tyrion thinking giving this very obvious literal and metaphorical backstabbing selfish sociopath any political power? does Tyrion actually have brain damage from alcoholism? what is hapenningngngg aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA we're well into retard land now
he comes in and grabs a seat and in comes Davos, who I just remembered has a wife that I don't think he's even seen in 6 years to tell her their son died lmao, and Sam who from his dress is finally a Maester but also the head Maester guy, I guess they decided just fuck it and let him graduate since everyone who'd care is dead and he's already voided the oaths of both a Nightswatchmen and a Maester by taking a wife and child lul, and puts down a big book and Tyrion asks "what's this?" and Sam says "A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE™ BY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN AVAILABLE NOW ON AMAZON.COM" REALLY? JESUS CHRIST! WELL AT LEAST THERE'S ONE REALITY WHERE HE FINALLY FINISHES THE BOOKS!
and Tyrion opens it to a fancy title page as Sam explains "Archmaester Ebrose's history of the wars following the death of King Robert... I helped him with the title" and Tyrion bashfully says "I suppose I come in for some heavy criticism" and Sam assures him "oh well I wouldn't say that" and Tyrion tries to find mentions of himself and is pleasantly surprised to hear "oh he's kind to me? never would've guessed" but Sam cringes and Tyrion realizes "he's not kind? he what? what does he say about me?" and Bronn and Davos look awkwardly at Sam who admits "I... don't believe you're mentioned *ahem*" and cringes and they all look around like criiiiinge and Tyrion reads a passage completely ignoring him and looks around fucking fuming lmaoooooo how is that even possible? he's like the most instrumental character in the recent history of KL and so notorious people do plays about him on other continents? whatever, then the door opens and in comes "your Grace", fucking King Hotwheels himself, who they somehow got up all those stairs, being wheeled in by his new Kingsguard Brie, who also takes her seat and they all look up expectantly at the King who says "we appear to be missing a Master of Whisperers... and a Master of Laws... and a Master of War" maybe that would be a better job for Bronn since that's literally all he knows how to do well you fucking idiot? and Tyrion says "yes your Grace, suitable prospects will be brought to you for an audience in the coming weeks" fucking Arya shoulda been the new Master of Whisperers rather than fuck off to die in the sea due to having no sailing experience or just... you know... Bran himself since he can you know... astral project through time and space... oh well and Bran asks "and Drogon? any word?" as if he has my idea of using him as a warg and Sam says "he was last spotted heading East" I guess going back home to the climate he prefers to terrify poor farmers again and Bronn cant help but say "the further away the better!" remembering his hellish experience with him and Bran suggests "perhaps I can find him, do carry on with the rest" and Bronn looks confused how the fuck a crippled 18 year old is going to catch a dragon (so I guess no one else even knows about him being the 3ER? lol what a pointless storyline, in fact all the supernatural elements were pointless, all the prophecies about Dany's child, all the prophecies about Jon, all the symbols the White Walkers made, the elf girls, the Lord of Light being proven to be real in front of thousands of people, the Red Priestesses, the Faceless Men, all amount to fuck all anything lmao) and Tyrion just says "as you wish your Grace" and Brie calls over the very proud of himself SER PODRICK OF THE KINGSGUARD
to escort Bran to his chambers and everyone stands in respect and Tyrion announces "we serve at your pleasure, King Bran the Broken, ruler of the Six Kingdoms and protector of the realm" kind of a mean name but uh ok and they all say "long may he reign" with even Bronn doing it and Tyrion promises "that will improve" as they all almost forgot but Bran doesn't give a shit really and just jokes "I'm sure it will" as Pod takes him away to warg, I can't fucking believe Bran is King lmao when they went over it very clearly that he doesn't consider himself Bran anymore or even really human, like why would he care about anything when he can see how it'll all pan out? and if he does how will it even be a human reaction and not some Dr. Manhattan shit where you just have to hope whatever unknowable decisions he makes align with what a normal person wants? wouldn't it be kind of scary to have a completely emotionally detatched spiritual force who's borderline omnipotent and can see through the eyes of animals as your King? what if there's some disagreement over his rule? he's basically a one-man surveillance state, how would you ever hope to overthrow someone like that if he wasn't doing a good job? which he probably won't since he barely cares about anything anymore? fucking Gendry would have made more sense lmao, INB4 determinism isn't actually accurate in the GoT universe and Bran just let all this happen to be King and the Night King was actually the hero trying to stop him from taking over the world lmao and Tyrion starts teasing "Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Lord of Highgarden, Lord Paramount of the Reach and Master of Coin" while he looks super smug and self-satisfied even though obviously Tyrion could just have him arrested at any time for threatening to murder him lmao or at least not, you know, put the greediest man he's ever met in charge of the kingdom's finances? who literally admitted he doesn't know anything about finances in season 2? doesn't Bronn not even have a last name he's so common? and now he's got the Tyrell family's old position? doesn't that make FUCKING BRONN the most influential Lord then? doesn't that mean he's in charge of everyones food and if this fucking backstabbing retard fucks up the whole country has a famine? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? IS THIS FANFICTION?!!?! and he chides "would you say the crown's debt to you has been paid?" oh isn't there the issue of Cersei running up another debt with the Iron Bank lmao? drama's never fucking over, and Bronn agrees "in full my Lord Hand" and Tyrion says "good, time to start incurring a new one, we have hungry people to feed, can we expect some assistance in this regard?" and Bronn, becoming the new Tyrells the crown is in-debt to, smarms "indeed we can", and Tyrion starts "Lord Davos, we have an armada to rebuild and ports to repair" and Davos using his sea-fairing speciality to be Master of Ships I guess although a far more fitting appointment would be Yara and keep her on their good side but that would make some sense so can't happen says "we have, these projects will begin as soon as the Master of Coin and Lord of Lofty Titles provides funding" and Bronn quips back "the Master of Coin looks forward to helping the Master of Ships but first he has to ensure we're not wasting coin or soon there won't be no more coin" and Davos corrects "any more" which is a nice touch that he still has habits he picked up from both Stannis and Shireen and Bronn claps back "ye Master of Grammar now too?" which is a job of my fucking dad if I ever heard one and Tyrion can't take any more witty banter and asks "Grand Maester? *ahem* it is my theory based on my years of work on the Casterly Rock sewers that clean water leads to a healthier population" wow I guess Sam is the big hotshit Maester now although idk of Grand outranks Arch as he says "the Archmaester has done some research on the subject and it turns out-" and Bronn is already assured "the strong live and the weak don't" and shrugs his shoulders as if it's obvious and these nerdy dudes just need to live in the real world like him and Sam looks offended and Tyrion orders him "find the best builders and set them to the task" and Bronn pipes up again "oh speaking of buildings all the best brothels burned down, the Master of Coin is willing to fund reconstruction" and Sam being quite the white knight adds "uh... the Archmaester is less than enthusiastic about the salutary effects of brothels" don't even know what that word means, also I thought he was the Grandmaester not Archmaseter? how many fucking plotholes are they gonna get in in the final few scenes lmao? and Bronn just quips "well I imagine he isn't using them properly" as if he is going to be the new CIA pimp guy and Sam is going to be the new Varys who's always busting his balls about it and Brie chips in "I think we can all agree that ships take precedence over brothels"
and the camera pans out as happy but also forlorn music plays as we zoom away from all our favorite characters having their last ever epic banter and there's some probably accidental kino where there's a big crack over the map of Westeros on the floor as if to say how much damage the country has taken in the last 7 years but it's also a bit retarded since it's like split in two and this scene is meant to show that everything is going to be ok and everyone is fairly united in working together and Bronn jokes "I think that's a very presumptuous statement" and Tyrion does le ebin callback to "I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel" being the last line of the conversation (and the episode... and the show.... amazing) what the fuck is a honeycomb even? and they're not going to talk about anything that just happened? like the whole Dany getting murdered thing? I guess Dany is getting the Night King treatment (and I guess the Cersei treatment too lmaoooo) where they were a continent ravaging mega-Stalin but they got killed off in such an embarassing way the characters just want to forget about it, holy fuck do I hope GRRM gave DnD all the worst obviously shit ideas and saved all the good ideas for endings for the books lmao, imagine being a book fan for 23 fucking years and this is the real ending oh no no nononono but I guess everything that goes down so far could be arrived at in a quality way if it was just given more gradual build-up and not so rushed so maybe he just gave them some rough bullet points, I'll talk more about this ending later but all I'm gonna say is just look at the tone of this scene, which is literally like something from Community lmao with all the comedic characters sitting around a table making quipy small-talk, and compare it to literally any random scene from the first four seasons where every line of dialog had some nasty grimy gritty cruel undercurrent to it... actually just compare this scene to the rest of this episode and see how jarring it is lmao, what a normie pandering scene
actually you know what this scene was like? THE FUCKING SESAME STREET CAMEOS HAHAHAHA OH OH HO HO ACTUALLY ITS BETTER THAN TYRIONS ACTUAL ENDING HAHAHAHAHA
well, I can't believe fucking Podrick survived but good on him he was a nice "ascended NPC" to have around for a grounded perspective, Davos never really got much development other than his strained relationship with the Red Lady but he was an all around based guy, I've said how much I like Brie before but she was always a side character who never had much to do other than like side mission fetch quests and we didn't even get to see her family and as much as they fuck up Jaime's character development they did her dirty too since they literally had this woman who's life revolves around honor and knighthood getting pumped and dumped by the man who knighted her and like a complete cuck she puts up with it and cries for him as he leaves rather than seeing he's not the man she loves and steeling herself to him or like literally fighting him to stop him going and getting himself killed so it'd be a nice thing where you might relapse into addiction but if you have a support network they can help you but now she just gets pumped and dumped by chad after being the only actually independent woman in the show because of her physical abilities and then she pathetically gives Jaime his positive yelp review her character should have really ended with her taking on Jaime's old pessimistic attitude towards knighthood after realizing Sansa got Dany killed on purpose or something and give up following all these inherently corrupt Lords and Ladys and becomes a wandering dishonored AWOL badass like The Hound who hunts down bandits or something
I'm also surprised Sam survived since he seemed like easy fodder to die at any time to make Jon sad and punish him for some foolish decision but the writers knew there were too many fat neckbeard incels who could relate to Sam so kept him around, Bronn has been a walking fucking meme for several seasons and should have frankly definitely been killed off ages ago if the show still had some balls and wasn't just fodder for normies to gawk over like have Jaime just kill him when he threatens his brother to show how much he loves his family or something, I got tired of Bran as soon as I realized we'll never get any more content with the supernatural Night King shit and all he ever was was le ebin mysterious kid which is a let down that we never learned anything else about all the mystical themes of where his visions come from and shit like talking about the gods and their avatars or any of that shit and it's honestly super unfitting that he's wins the throne since he's clearly very removed from humanity and will probably just be a figurehead with Tyrion as the real shot caller, it would have made a lot more sense thematically for it to be Sansa since she's been learning to play "The Game of Thrones™" the entire show and Bran's storyline was completely separate from most of that shit and is done now the White Walkers got the "kill the final boss and the hivemind instantly shuts down" video game treatment, hell even fucking Gendry has a better claim to the throne lmao just let him have it if he's just going to be a puppet who doesn't really want it, but Tyrion was an amazing character and probably one of the best written, well in the first four seasons at least, and definitely always acted, le master manipulator type character because he's just very convincing and can understand other peoples perspectives but is also very well meaning so can just get people to see reason and it'll probably get them to do what he wants unlike most manipulative characters who are of selfish or ill intent and have to try to trick or threaten people that's more often than not a bit cliche and gets old fast and what a great fucking role or a *checks notes on PC term* Little Person™ to play he's not some retarded meme role like a wacky elf or some shit but a guy who would be great even if he was regular height but having dwarfism is just another aspect of his life that's addressed too and he even gets to merc a few people so it's even an actiony role which he probably thought he'd never get to play, and even though he got the mandatory 50 IQ points docked from him for meeting Dany, had no interesting development after what you'd think would spur big changes like killing his fucking dad and love of his life and did dumb shit like trust his sister that would have 100% gotten him killed in the first half of the show (you know what would have been an actual subversion of le expectations? if Cersei actually did get redeemed and actually did go to help fight the zombies and she's basically the hero trying to defend KL against mental Dany in the end) from how plot armored up the writing got and he ends up being rewarded for becoming just another one of Dany's beta orbiter friendzoned manlets and snitching on based MGTOW Varys but over-all throughout the whole show Tyrion, Jaime, Cersei and Tywin were still such amazing characters, this whole family were the gift that kept on giving, thank god Tywin was spared the horror of going off-book and even when the show got super duper retarded at least one of the Lannister siblings was doing something engaging, in fact they make me want to learn more History like I just watched a video about Nero being fucked in the head because his mother was a product of cousin incest and he was fucking his own sister and his mother helped get him into power by poisoning her husband and he ended up abusing his wives himself but it was all for nought since he made so many enemies they overthrew him and I'm like yep that's some Lannister shit in fact he killed his mother too and her last words were telling the guards to stab her in the womb for giving birth to her killer which is more kino than le rocks falling on you thanks D&D
then at The Wall where Jon has his fitting fate of being in the most boring as fuck location for the most boring as fuck character in the show a sad horn rings out to announces he's coming and him and the two men ride up to the gate and he takes a deep breath to face the rest of his life and he looks up to see... Tormund, who for some reason is still manning Castle Black as if he was waiting for him to come back somehow, who just gives him a solemn nod like welcome back bud, and Jon rides in and the doors close behind him and we fade to black... then we open on a close-up of Longclaw with Jon picking his sword up off the table, Arya sheathing Needle, Sansa having a fancy metal breastplate armor put over her dress, Arya sheathing CIA's dagger, Jon sheathing Longclaw, Sansa having her coat put on her that is embroidered with the red leaves of the holy white tree, Jon rolling up what looks like a surgery kit for frostbite I guess, Arya rolling out a map of the known world and picking up a spyglass and walking out through a ship, Jon walking through Castle Black, Arya walking through the halls of Winterfell, Arya going up some stairs onto the deck of a ship, Jon looking out into the courtyard at all the Wildlings that I guess he's in charge of now, Sansa walking to her throneroom as all her Northmen bow to her, Arya walking through the deck as sailors go about their business, Jon walking through the Wildlings, Sansa walking past everyone bowing (so much for her saying Northerners are done kneeling lmao), Arya walking along the deck, Jon walking through the Wildlings who part respectfully for him and he looks over and sees with a smile... GHOST, HIS FAITHFUL DIREWOLF, EAGERLY WAITING FOR HIM
and it looks like he's had to have one of his bitten ears amputated and has some fucked up scars on his face but he's still as hansom as ever and he sniffs and licks at Jon affectionately and almost knocks him over giving him a nice big nuzzle as Jon pets him with a huge grin (I am pretty sure they edited this shot in hastily using a similar scene from a previous episode because fans were bitching that Jon didn't pet Ghost goodbye in episode 4 lol), and it seems like they've given Arya her own boat with a Stark direwolf masthead and she's in command of it and looks out to sea to become the Christopher Columbus of the GoT world even though wasn't her whole story in season 7 about how the Starks need to stick together or something whatever it's like she's aware the show is ending and the story is done lol, and Jon and Tormund saddle up as the gate raises, and Sansa has her crown as Queen of the North put on her head and looks around proud of all she survived to make it this far as she takes her throne and a man yells "THE QUEEN A THA NORF!" and everyone takes their swords out and pledges themselves to "THE QUEEN A THA NORF! THE QUEEN A THA NORF! THE QUEEN A THA NORF! THE QUEEN A THA NORF! THE QUEEN A THA NORF! THE QUEEN A THA NORF!" and she has some sick-ass bad-bitch fashy energy herself as if she's going to be a villain herself since she has like literally no one left in the North loyal to her and is all alone with some old beardy men she'll probably lose favor with and have to kill soon
and there's some sick violin solo or some shit as Arya sails to the horizon doing her dumb dream she told that dead actress and the camera pans up to show the Stark sigil on her sails, and Jon, Ghost and Tormund ride out beyond The Wall ...why?... what the fuck's there to do up there but die from the increasingly bad weather? I thought they wanted farmable land under The Wall? or is winter over? was it actually the Night King causing the coming winter weather himself? you see some grass growing so I guess that's the implication... oh... so when they said Winter is Coming™ a billion times they meant it'd last one night... great... well it seems like they're taking the Wildlings with them and Jon is just abandoning The Wall all together and finally going to be a Wildling and live a true free life and we see some tall ass dudes who maybe have a bit of giant in them like Hodor maybe did and Jon looks back as he watches the gate close for the last time and he looks around at the Wildlings and gives a tiny smile as he realizes these are his people now and he rides on with them into the woods and we see loads of Wildlings following him in a shot similar to the final shot of season 2 of the White Walkers but now it's humanity going back up there to reclaim the North... which was meant to be a punishment for Jon but that seemed to be what he wanted to do all along? so he was just like... pretending he didn't want to go? or he's just really really fucking stupid? and doesn't this mean that this is the last of the Stark line since like Arya and Sansa can't continue their family name in this culture, Jon has fucked off all together (although I guess the upside is the Night Watch oaths mean jack shit anymore since Sam inherited his fathers land lol) and Bran's fucking dick doesn't work as Sansa has seemingly personally tested? you know what this reminds me of? the fucking end of Dexter lmao, but times four, instead of Dexter inexplicably surviving a hurricane to become a lumberjack so they could include him in cameos for a spin-off that never happened, all the remaining four Stark kids have a change of career that's left open ended and it feels almost like they're baiting for a spin-off or something that will also no doubt never happen since all the actors want to move on and it sounds like they're going to have to make a bunch of prequels set in the distant past about the first White Walker invasion as if anyone gives a shit about that now knowing how it ended, anyway show's over, DnD didn't even do their usual after-episode blathering since they're out of excuses lmao
alright, so... Jon Jon Jon Jon Jon, I'd talk mad shit about him but it seemed like he really was written as a fucking idiot lmao, his first two seasons worth of story was extremely boring but honestly his storylines in season 3, 4 and 5 were actually pretty good with the intrigue with Mance, the mutineers and the White Walkers but he just lost any tension when he got rez'd (although I guess now we can at least pretend Allah wanted him to kill Dany for not being his proper avatar or some shit, oh who am I kidding they forgot all that shit about the gods maybe being real or not), his story in 6 was rushed and concluded in an extremely contrived way that confirmed the show had gone off into retard cliche land and his relationship with Dany was just really forced and you never believed either would see anything in the other since they're so different and not in a compatible way like he was with Ygritte and he basically did nothing for the last 2 seasons because he got contaminated but Dany's retardation effect but he really didn't deserve to survive but that whole concept went out the window seasons ago but if the show was not retarded he would have died in charging the Bolton's in season 6 or simply not been resurrected at all and it'd switch to the other Stark kids as the new protagonists like uhhh Arya, Arya Arya Arya, at least she wasn't generic as fuck token le chosen one protagonist like Jon even though I guess she was in the end but she was a pretty good character where she was kind of the embodiment of the show's take on the usual revenge tropes where usually you're meant to root for people driven by vengeance like John Wick or whatever but in the first half of the show it tried to be more grounded where yeah you're probably just going to make things worse and revenge is a very common motivation for evil people like Cersei and Elly were very vengeful and went after innocent people and even a more typically heroic guy like Oberyn gets his shit rekt because he's too obsessed with his revenge quest and we're meant to see how Arya focusing more and more on revenge is going to fuck her in the head you know up until the incoherent gibberish of the Faceless Men arc that threw that out of the window saying it's actually cool and badass to throw your life away for meaningless vengeance and actually a tiny 90lb girl can become a ninja and beat up all the baddies in this supposedly gritty harsh setting and wasting 2 seasons and then turning her into an OP killing machine that never ever used her abilities again for the next 2 seasons and then they remember she's meant to be a subversion of the vengeful action hero in the second last episode and then she just fucks off to sea? wouldn't she care about... you know... protecting her two siblings that'll probably start accumulating enemies? are they baiting us for a spin-off show where Arya goes to explore new lands or some shit?
and Sansa actually despite what some fans seem to say Sansa was by far the best Stark kid and probably the only unfucked character left, the only bad stuff about her storyline were mostly how CIA started being written shit and not her like the dumb move of marrying her to a psycho and then the dumb way they faff around to le ebin ruse CIA for zero reason all just to slit his throat while accusing him of shit without proof in front of everyone but Sansa had an absolutely fantastic arc of going from a naive prissy little girl who just wants to marry a handsom prince, to essentially a domestic abuse victim, to trying to learn how to survive being a pawn of power players, to learning how to be a power player herself from CIA, to using what she learned to survive her last abusive partner to not only surviving but being instrumental in defeating the serial killer she was married to, to navigating her way through all the remaining power players to successfully free her kingdom and become Queen, if that's not a classic heroes journey I don't know what the fuck is and if the writing was anywhere near coherent you could theorize that Sansa actually JUST AS PLANNED the last 3 episodes where she knew spilling the tea to Tyrion would lead him to fuck up after seeing he was working on about a 90 IQ from the whole hide from the necromancer in the crypt issue resulting in Dany having less trusted advisors to stop her from going mental requring Jon to merc her thus letting Sansa take hold of the North but that's something nearing good writing my only complaint about Sansa's arc is I wish they could have done more with her when she's in-power in the North rather than faff about memeing on CIA for no reason like maybe making sure she still had that political marriage to the zoomer king but in a way she could still retain power but no they had to spend that time on getting that last incest romance in, also it would be funny if she's actually still legally a Bolton under Northern law and one of Roose's rape bastards is technically first in line now or something sulis
alright, so, episode's over, like season 8 and 7 overall it felt very rushed, like they're just scramlbing to merc Dany and get the Stark kids their endings, just like scrambling to rush Dany along to becoming insane and kill off Varys without him doing anything or having Jaime relapse for no reason and Cersei just goes AFK the entire time until remembering she doesn't want to die one second before she does, apparantly HBO were going to let D&D have as much time and money as they wanted but they did the LOST meme of insisting the story end sooner rather than later, which was a great call for LOST since it's an original IP and heavily mystery based and there's only so long that can go on for, but this is an adaptation and I don't know why they couldn't just hand off the reigns to someone else to run it other than egoism of it has to be them that finishes it but they also want to get it done soon so they can fuck off to make another three no doub shit Star Wars movies, oh god I just looked up these retards writing credits and David Benioff wrote X-Men Origins: Wolverine haahahaha probably the most plothole ridden movie I've ever seen in my life that is more like a fever dream where things just happen at complete random, anyway the first half was alright dumb drama shit happening and visually wise but that's because it centred on something actually interesting with Dany, the second half of this ep was terrible and reminded me of the kind of "plot-hole pile-up" that used to happen only on a show as bad as Heroes where there's compounding levels if contradictory information like: 1) why would Jon even need to be the one who kills Dany when Arya is literally a shapeshifting assassin and didn't need any talking-into to do it? why not just get Bran to warg into Drogon and eat her at any time and make it look like a wacky dragon training mishap? oh sorry I forgot these two never do anything ever from being too OP 2) why does anyone else even know it was Jon when he could have very easily came up with a lie or just left since Dany's body and Drogon were missing? 3) why does Grey Worm even care what the Lords say? why even take Jon captive? he was literally just executing POWs who didn't do anything and he's obviously ruthless and hopeless enough to just kill Jon even if it means they all die not that he couldn't just leave Westeros before his men find out and in fact you'd think Grey Worm would go off the chain and keep trying to follow Dany's last wishes he was so dedicated to her and slaughtered all these remaining Lords that his murdered Queen's ideology hates 4) why would sending Jon to The Wall be a punishment at all since a) that's literally what he wants to do lmao b) why is there even a Night's Watch anymore now that the Night King is dead, there's a huge hole in The Wall and the Wildlings are let through? to keep polar bears out? and c) if Grey Worm leaves Westeros Jon can come back down South whenever he wants anyway lmao d) even if Bran wouldn't want to look like he doesn't keep deals he just gave the North to Sansa who never made no deal with Grey Worm and could let Jon come back home e) Jon is still fucking King of the North? wouldn't he have supporters that would have an issue with this? or is everyone still supporting Sansa because Jon was afk even though he was proven right about the Night King? doesn't everyone in the South now support Jon for saving them from Cersei, Dany AND the White Walkers? why doesn't Tyrion just make it public knowledge that he's the true Targ heir and he'd have near-100% backing rather than his autistic retard brother? is Tyrion's IQ seriously smaller than his body by this stage? but honestly whatever since it was just a bunch of generic "house cleaning" to get all the characters into their right places for their conclusions and to ring out one last bit of forced drama and was not the main crux of the episode, but the show's over too, and I think it's fair to say that that ending with every surviving character getting pretty much the best happiest ending they could have short of Brie riding up to give Tormund a go on her is not very fitting for a show that tried to be so grimdark at one point even having a main character being tortured for no reason by a guy who practically looks into the camera and says "if you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention"
and for a show that started out about how there is no black and white morality it's all just shades of grey having the climax of the final episode be "the character to did the most over the top evil action in this fictional worlds entire history gets killed by the character who's been most concerned with doing the good thing the entire time" is not exactly loyal to that theme and the whole "real violence has consequences" went fucking MIA too since Dany basically does the Shoah and King's Landing is seemingly... fine... and there's boats leaving it's docks and people just set up shop in the perfectly clean Red Keep again and joke around as if they're not ruling over nothing but fucking cinders and then Jon has to kill the most powerful person in the world to zero repercussions to himself or for anyone and it actually ends up really fucking good for everyone in his family of Arya not having to do anything at all lmao, him going beyond The Wall, Bran becoming King and Sansa freeing the north, you'd think Jon would have to sacrafice something to kill Dany and the show would end on a somber note, literally the only way I see people defending this completely unfitting ending is by saying h-h-h-hey i-i-i-its i-i-i-impossible to end any l-l-l-long running story w-w-w-well from all the e-e-e-expectations well I've got a wee movie for you called Endgame where even though it was handled by probably by now hundreds of different directors and writers they still managed to deliver probably one of the best character arcs in cinema history, kill off one of the best villains in cinema history and conclude a story that'd been going on for 22 fucking movies for over a fucking decade which had never been done before in cinema history all without le subverting your le expectations so don't tell me it's not possible to finish one fucking TV show well
and if a movie with a budget bigger than some companies make in a year is too high a bar then another show that I've already brought up as very similar in plot to GoT, Into The Badlands, a show that's dank as fuck where they put half their budget into their amazingly filmed and choreographed high quality martial arts wire-work action scenes but no one has ever heard of this show for some reason, also had it's final episode recently and it basically did everything this episode didn't where it completed every characters arc in an earned way, including a pregnant female dictator, a chosen one turned to the dark side, a reunited brother and sister and a nomad who only lives for revenge, by concluding everyones central theme and with the final shot being used to evolve the setting so you know the surviving characters will have to live in a world with another conflict following directly on from the one they just overcame rather than every character just giving up what made them themselves so the conflict can be over like this rushed shit lmao, it reminds me of some good shit GRRM said about how his story is not gonna be like LOTR where it's all neatly wrapped up because the handsom heroes teamed up to beat the dark lords evil ugly monsters (which we've already done in the show so oh well) and you don't need to know what Aragorn's tax policy was or if they just genocided all the other orcs even the little orc babies in their cribs which also happened here where there's no realistic way Tyrion can keep this political situation together and it's ridiculous the Dothraki and Unsullied would just all leave, and something ELSE it reminds me of is fucking Star Wars: The Last Jedi another pile of autism that got people rectum ravished in that it sets out to le subvert your le expectations by having the big bad super powerful zombie dude get one-shotted by a slight of hand move and kill off one of the fan favorite main heroes after they fall from grace in a dumb manner but in the end the story resets itself to the most generic safe position you can get with the goodies and the baddies in the same places as the plot started out just like how the by now comically evil villains die and the main Stark kids all get their happy endings here, in fact you know the most kino way the show could have ended? the Night King should have won lmao, it would really sell the theme of him representing global warming and humanity needing to work together as this is a force of nature that doesn't care about humanities borders, so when Cersei refuses it results in everyone being gradually ovewhelmed and dying, so you don't have Cersei being killed off in such a pointless way, could have Dany's heel turn be more coherent if she's reacting to the pressures of a huge refugee crisis turning on her for not helping enough and not kill the NK off at all to avoid the cringy way he did die and how stupid it'd probably have been no matter how they wrote his defeat, sticks with the theme of this being le grounded and gritty world with real consequences and excuses them never elaborating on his mythology if there's no one left to learn about it, and the last shot is just the Night King dabbing on Bran's corpse lmao, but that would have been actual good writing so is of course not gonna happen, credit to deso for helping me realize this
but you know what? I actually wasn't as mad at this ending as it seems almost all the fans are it seems a lot of people were very upset about Dany's heel turn well actually I am here to tell you that I FUCKING LIKED THAT DANY TURNED INTO FUCKING DRAGON HITLER AND SHE DID THE HOLOCAUST, SHE HAS CLEARLY BEEN A SADISTIC MEGALOMANIAC DELUSIONAL NARCISSIST SINCE THE FIRST SEASON, WHETHER THEY INTENDED TO DEPICT HER THAT WAY OR NOT, WHO TOLD YOU AND OVER AND AGAIN SHE'D TAKE THE IRON THRONE WITH LE FIRE AND BLOOD, AND MY ONLY COMPLAINT ABOUT THE FINALE IS THEY DIDN'T LEAN INTO THAT MORE AND HAVE HER FUCKING WIN IN THE END
OH GOD ALL THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA ARTICLES THAT SPENT YEARS CLICKBAITING ABOUT THE SHOW BY WHINING IT'S NOT PC ENOUGH GETTING WHAT THEY DESERVE OH AHEH AHEHEHEHH
>MFW RETARD NORMIES THINK YOUR EXTREMELY EDGY SHOW WITH A RAPE SCENE EVERY SECOND EPISODE HAS MADE YOU SOME SORT OF FEMINIST ICON SO YOU IMMOLATE AN ENTIRE CITY OF INNOCENT MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN FOR NO REASON RUINING THEIR ENJOYMENT OF THEIR FAVORITE POP CULTURE ICON FOREVER
holy fucking shit was it fucking based that Dany just went full villain and did a fucking genocide thank you fucking jesus christ that Dany's storyline finally had something approaching some fucking point and some fucking consequences to it, 8 fucking years of all this fucking Mary Sue drivel and that one decision made it all worth it and almost coherent because her characterization of "bloodthirsty egomaniac obssessed with taking over a system she also wants to end because she's a lunatic" finally makes some goddamn fucking sense with it being confirmed that yes she is fucking psychotic and yes she is the fucking bad guy, so if I ever had to rewatch this shit, which I never will since it's 50% fucking drivel written by hack TV writers kowtowing to normie fans, it would make the Dany scenes bearable as opposed to seeming like they're taking place in a different universe entirely, let me explain: her story has literally always been that of an antagonists, they just didn't know it probably lmao, like from the very start she is a maniac who rants about taking what is le rightfully hers with fire and blood but people just ignore it since she's also freeing slaves but from how much of a massive massive Mary Sue she was who never faced any real problems and got everything handed to her because of her circumstances of birth or just every fucking man she met falling madly in love with her this story structure of a clear madwoman gradually gaining more and more power with nothing standing in her way is literally like an antagonist, one who's building in power and advancing towards our other characters very much like how the Night King was a well built-up villain gradually gaining more and more power as he gets closer and closer to reaching Westeros and it was alright that he faced no real challenges and had no real character development because he's the antagonistic outside force coming to aggress against the protagonists they are in reaction to not the other way around so he seems super threatening, and with him cucked that gap wasn't really going to be filled with Cersei who was always a protagonist in her own right with her own weaknesses and people aggressing against her and interpersonal stakes but if you just go no actually, what I'd always suspected and joked about, Dany pretty much being a fucking villain who's just morally lucky in the way that she wants to end slavery for seemingly surface level reasons that it happened to her so it's bad I guess but really it all seems to be an excuse to amass more power and exert that power, if you go ahead and make it official then there you go, you've done it the absolute madlads and gotten a fitting antagonist who unlike the Night King actually has a filled out backstory because we've been watching her rise to power the entire time, and the important thing is it was a completely unsympathetic rise to power lmao because she had no problems, she never has to change as she has muh birthright and muh targblood from the start, she doesn't struggle to evolve to better solve the situations like traditional heroes like Ned or Jon or struggle to redefine herself like anti-heroes like Jaime and Theon because she's convinced she never has to change, her being a Mary Sue actually makes her a great final villain, and it's not even like how Ramsay was a Gary Stu villain with everyone getting dumbed down around him to make him look cooler which at least had the logic of other people making mistakes lets him succeed, Dany existed in an entirely ludicrous alternate reality where entire plotlines are just dropped (the blue-lipped warlocks) or introduced (where'd she even get her dragon eggs from?) at complete random the entire show perfect to be introduced to the final 2 seasons where the rest of the show had gotten that stupid where nothing can get in her way so when she gets to Westeros it is understandable how off her nut she is like how Tyrion explained to Jon about her steamrolling all those cities and killing all the evil people in them like someone gave The Punisher dragons and that she's off her nut and like the scariest aspects of all the other antagonists including the High Sparrow that she thinks she's the savoir of the world, which was extremely obnoxious and dumb when we were meant to think she's a protagonist since there's nothing relatable about someone who's just born into a great destiny and has no problems, but turn that into a villain and it's perfect, and absolutely fuck all the fucking idiot fanboy dipshit retarded redditor faggots who don't fucking like it and whine about oh no they ruined Dany fuck off, they fucking saved Dany so hard they retroactively made her a good character lmao thank fucking god they did that, imagine how fucking lame it would have been if it was just they defeat Cersei and the heroes get their happy ending or even if Cersei had beaten them since she was always more of an anti-villain who could never really succeed at anything for too long without self-sabotaging because there was good in her and she hated herself more than anyone else, get absolutely dabbed on if Dany was your waifu or like fucking cringy tumblr feminist role model, well she's my fucking waifu now and she made 9/11 look like a fucking joke, my only complaint as I said is that they didn't lean into this more, King's Landing getting nuked should have been the season 7 finale and instead of doing le frokin ebin anti-climax of having the White Walkers just told to fuck off and eat shit in episode 3 that should have been the real final conflict and Jon is in the horrible position of having to put up with psycho lover aunty Dany because he needs her armies to defeat the Night King and throughout season 8 the two of them know once he's defeated they'll turn on each other because them actually loving each other enough to trust each other and be heartbroken about a betrayal is retarded but have them trying to play powergames against each other and get leverage over each other like Dany picks off the people who know Jon's lineage one by one and the climax is Jon is about to run tell dat to the world that he's the rightful heir but Dany just makes a public announcement telling everyone and he's like n-nani not understanding and then Dany reveals she has his siblings captive, like imagine how fucking dank it would be if when Jon goes to stab her Dany is just like oh btw... if the regiment of Unsullied we left in Winterfell don't get a raven from me every week they'll kill your brother and sisters... back the fuck up bitch boy, and he has to play nice and marry her and give her an heir and the final scene is literally Jon crying as his aunt rapes him and forces him to try to impregnate her over and over again despite her barren womb and the state of the world is literally Dany's thousand year Reich begins with her forcing all of Westeros to be conscripted into her million strong army and making plans to invade all of Essos and forcing Bran to warg into multiple dragons around the world and forcing Arya to reveal the secrets of the Faceless Men and making Sam produce wildfire en mass and even her sparing Qyburn to learn how to make White Walkers to use them as her own bioweapons and it's just the darkness ending possible because moron Jon tried to play the hero and think he could control Dany and he gets what he logically deserves just like Ned Stark did in the first season but unfortunately that would be too much for the normies but I am still glad all the fucking morons who actually liked the Dany content throughout the years who are exactly the type of retards the show became generic bullshit to pander to got their little normie hearts broken by their fucking yaaaas slaaaay queeeeeen heroine making Hitler look like he was phoning it in
if you want strong female characters then they get to be villains too equality bitch and if you think there's something unrealsitic or incongruous about a political leader who only got to that position by being manipulative, ruthless and born into the right family talking a big game about freeing people from oppression and then burning them alive in airstrikes then you're probably a braindead fucking normie NPC who's going to love going to liberate Iran in the next few years right up until a car bomb blows your legs off as you waddle your fat american ass to the mall, I mean these were the same fans that were pretending Dany was like Hillary Clinton the entire time even celebs were tweeting cringy shit like this
get dabbed on, shitted on and cummed on and let your cringy nostalgia for a far far far worse time escapist love for a story that's meant to be about the harsh realities of life rest in fucking piss for destroying the show itself when the writers started pandering to you and for shitting up the internet for almost an entire decade, I hope every single one of these normalfaggots whining about evil Dany was someone who once talked shit about the final episode of LOST and I hope GRRM actually doesn't have any health problems at all and in fact gets really into health and fitness so he doesn't have time to finish the books ever so he lives for another 30 years so all you fucking manchild millennials can suffer for even longer never getting a conclusion other than Hitler Dany when he dies peacefully as a 100 year old man and his last words are "the show is the only canon" and then you can all top yourselves welp there goes *checks date of when I started taking screencaps* four fucking months of my life, although in the last month I gave up trying to finish it before the show ended so took it a bit more slowly than the first three and then couldn't be fucked actually posting it for another month lul, but yeah... that was completely fucking pointless and no one will ever ever ever read all this including me but for some reason I just find it really relaxing to go into a sort of flow state and just dump my thoughts stream of consciousness style about something as I'm watching it so I don't know have fun namesearching this thread and finding you're not in it other than the collage at the top and if you're not in that remember you wasted 8 years and not just 3 months on this retarded show and neck yourself, tune in next time for something somehow even more autistic........ oh here's an ending, I've been waiting for a moment to make a joke about how GRRM said GoT actually started out as stories he'd make up about his pet turtles so I guess I'll just put it here: those are some fucked up turtles!
08-11-2019
maks
allow me to be the first to mention how I ctrl-f'd my username
08-11-2019
internutt
Quote:
Originally Posted by maks
allow me to be the first to mention how I ctrl-f'd my username
ditto, my name comes up once. "heh, idk who that is i dont watch jewtv", didn't read the rest.
why bother ruby?
08-11-2019
internutt
i feel pretty let down about you ruby, even if this was done in a single pauseless burst of autism, it must have taken fucking forever. i actually hoped that you had moved on to better things in your life. every day that you didn't post here, i figured "he must be making those baby steps, probably talking to people, studying a bit." but i guess not. :(
08-11-2019
maks
in all fairness this is the first one in something like 2 years, and they're usually pretty good. I was just fucvking with him. that being said, I ahven't read it yet. I intend to it's probably pretty good but holy fuck is it long
08-12-2019
juji
I just spent my 8 hours to read this thread, so well done.
I really enjoyed it...
I cannot believe this is the biggest thread I've seen in the internet history
