I would like to share a piece of nonfiction with you all. Please, gather round.
Some time in the early 2010's I had an appointment with a proctologist to find out why I couldn't poop good. This is my story as it was typed up at the time. It is titled "Socially Acceptable Anal Fingering".
My whole experience today was just weird. It started with going to the ninth floor of the hospital to the GI place. When my number was finally called for registration the receptionist was an effeminately gay man (he talked in a really funny stereotype voice) and made some rehearsed sounding comment about my purse. He was like "now that is a tiny little purse" and “now you must have gotten that at a chinese store". He saw my mom's name on my file and was like "now is that the same **** I think I know?" (my mother knew a lot of people) and I said "yes" and he said "oh good for you!" THEN he told me to go to the end of the hall and "drop off my papers where it says to". Well, there was so much clutter all over the walls that I didn't see it at first, but I eventually saw the very unnoticeable little box thing with a crooked piece of pink paper beside it saying "PATIENT PAPERS" with an arrow pointing to it.
Then came the waiting room. It was incredibly surreal. It was on the 9th floor and all the windows were open, and it was a very small white room with cracks all over the walls and shit, and the wind was just gusting in the place. Everyone in there was at least 50 years older than me, and there was a small tv on the wall with a piece of paper taped to it saying "broken : (". The room was flooded with dim cloudy daylight and the only sounds were the howling wind and this old dude whistling ominously. It was like being in an art film. I was worried that the place was in another dimension and as I was sitting there, years and decades were going by in reality, and by the time I left the place everyone I knew would be dead, and the world would be unrecognizable.
FINALLY I was called an hour late. I go to the ghetto ass exam room and a male nurse (Indian dude I think) comes in and spends a long time asking me about my poop. After over half an hour of talking about that sort of thing he brings the doctor in. The doctor, I shit you not (heh), seemed like he was on speed. I almost wanted to straight up ask him if he was. He barrels in the place with the nurse dude again and starts just talking really fast and intensely. He's like "OK. I AM 95% SURE YOU HAVE IBS. LIKE YOU ARE A TEXTBOOK CASE OF IBS. LIKE I DON'T EVEN WANNA DO A COLONOSCOPY I AM THAT SURE YOUR ISSUE IS NOTHING OTHER THAN IBS. YOUR STORY, IS THE STORY OF IBS. IBS IS YOUR STORY." He was also making mildly funny little jokes here and there, and I was laughing, the nurse was laughing, but he was not laughing or smiling at all.
Anyway, he said "I WILL GIVE YOU A RECTAL EXAM HOWEVER. NOW I CAN GET A FEMALE NURSE IN HERE TO DO THAT" and I was like "meh no that's ok". The doctor, before doing anything, was INTENSELY narrating what he was doing. He gave me extremely precise instructions on how exactly to lay on my side and how he was going to cover my ass with a blanket and then when we were ready I was to pull down my own pants a little bit “BUT ONLY A LITTLE BIT!!”. He brandished his lubey finger and was like "NOW I'M JUST GONNA SHOW YOU THE LUBE HERE SO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS AND THIS IS GONNA FEEL PRETTY GOOPY AND SLIPPERY SO WHEN WE'RE ALL DONE I'M GONNA WIPE YOUR BUTT A LITTLE FOR YOU". It was really funny and one of the most bizarre things I've been through. Like it was so normal that it was bizarre.
In any case he was like "ALRIGHT I'M JUST GONNA PUT MY FINGER IN THERE NOW OK" and "YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE AN ACCIDENT, LIKE YOU MIGHT POOP YOURSELF, BUT I ASSURE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO POOP YOURSELF BECAUSE MY FINGER IS IN THERE" and "NOTHING CAN COME OUT IF MY FINGER IS IN THERE". Then he started commenting on my anus while the nurse guy looked on AND THEY WERE LAUGHING. I forget why. I don't think they were joking about my anus or anything, maybe nervous laughs I guess. But he was saying stuff like, STILL REALLY INTENSELY by the way, "YEAH YEAH YEAH THERE REALLY IS LIKE JUST A LITTLE FISSURE IN HERE, JUST LIKE A LITTLE PAPER CUT" and "BUT NO THIS FEELS VERY NORMAL, NO TUMORS, NO WEIRDNESS". And then it was done and he wiped my ass as promised. I hope there wasn't any doodie on his finger or something and that's why they laughed… oh god
Well that's it. I hope it was an interesting read, I mean, I'm really wearing my rectum on my sleeve here
