Jokes

[bananadong]

A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".

[bananadong]

Son: "Mum, I was coming home on the bus with dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady". Mother: "Well that's a nice and polite thing to do". Son: "Yes, but I was sitting on dad's lap at the time".

[bananadong]

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn't speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says "Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake". My God" says his mother. "You can speak?" To which the German boy replies "Of course". "How come you've never spoken before?" asks his father. "Well" says the boy "up until now, everything has been satisfactory".

[bananadong]

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

[bananadong]

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".

[bananadong]

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint. While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent. "Twenty-four!" he calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting he's foreign to the culture the tourist continues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Forty-one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on. "Oh, that" the bartender responded. "The locals here are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that". "Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?" "Of course, you've seen how it's done".
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety-three!" he called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter. People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter. The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman "Why was the reaction so crazy?" The barman replied "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"

[bananadong]

A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise.
Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him.
He goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening.
After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pulls at his jacket - it's a red-haired dwarf.
He tells him "Man what are you doing? Whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that".
The man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again".
The man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. After all, what's there to lose anyway.
The dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". The man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
The dwarf pulls his pants down, and the man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him.
The dwarf tells him "Okay, let's do this, how old are you? That's important". The man tells him he's 47-years-old. The dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"

[bananadong]

Dear Billy Jo,
I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!
Your cuz, Bubba.
PS. I would have enclosed $20 but I had already sealed the envelope.

[bananadong]

Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.
"Well done, Johnny" he says "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole". He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep.
Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "Look Grandad!". The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.
"I say!" says Grandad "How did you do that?" "I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray". "What a good idea. I suppose I'd better get you $5".
Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour. When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny. And here's $50 from your Granny as well".

[bananadong]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

[bananadong]

A blonde is done with all the blonde jokes. So, she makes a plan. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette.
After some time driving, she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder" she says. "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?".
The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If I guess you real hair colour... can I have my dog back?"

[bananadong]

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[bananadong]

A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[bananadong]

My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.

[bananadong]

Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".

[bananadong]

As I opened the front door, I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub. Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a fucking psycho!

[bananadong]

A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".

[bananadong]

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

[bananadong]

The other night I got stuck in a line at the Wal-Mart. After 5 minutes I coughed and said "This cough has been getting worse ever since I got back from China".

[bananadong]

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

[bananadong]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"

[bananadong]

A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"

[bananadong]

Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

[bananadong]

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".

[bananadong]

Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an arsehole.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"

[bananadong]

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"