Jokes

[bananadong]

While walking down the street one day, a high-ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven" says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you". "No problem, just let me in" says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity". "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven" says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules".
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven".
So, 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity".
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell".
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand" stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable".
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us".

[bananadong]

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this - especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my" she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say "Thank you, I baked it myself".
Alice smiled and thought to herself "GOD is good".

[bananadong]

HAIR: THE FEMALE VERSION
WOMAN #1: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!
WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

HAIR: THE MALE VERSION
MAN #1: Haircut?
MAN #2: Yeah.

[bananadong]

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said "I think I was just molested back there".
The bus driver looked at her and said "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been". So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says "I think I was just molested back there".
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again".

[bananadong]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?" The child whispered "No".
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked "Is your mummy there?" "Yes".
"Well may I speak to her, then?" Again, the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak to the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to mummy and daddy and the fireman" came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked "What's that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team has just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME!"

[bananadong]

Superman was talking to Batman at the superhero's convention. "On my way here" he says "I was flying past Wonder Woman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one". "Really" replies Batman "was she surprised?" "Yeah" says Superman "but not as much as the invisible man was!"

[bananadong]

Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"

[bananadong]

My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day. Just wish his wife would do the same

[bananadong]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were vacationing in when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel. "Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news". "Good news!? What kind of good news could there be!?" "Well sir... we're pulling her up again tomorrow".

[bananadong]

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realise it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply "I used to be one of his junior associates... I just like hearing you say it".

[bananadong]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck.

[bananadong]

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

[bananadong]

A blonde goes to collect her expensive jacket from the dry cleaners. The owner, an Indian lady, says "Thank you. Come again!" To which the blonde replies "No, luckily this time it was only yogurt".

[bananadong]

Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hat rack by the front door. He couldn't remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn't gone anywhere without it. His wife didn't know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him.
He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and, since he was also something of a cheat, decided that he'd go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners' hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister "Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind".
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. "Bless you, my son" he burbled. "Was it when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat".

[bananadong]

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".
"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".
The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".

[bananadong]

Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming".
"Yes, I do!"
"Well, okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".

[bananadong]

AMERICAN MANAGEMENT EXPLAINED
A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[bananadong]

A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".
"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

[bananadong]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
Finally, the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official greeter face and says "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7".
The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten fucked more than once!"

[bananadong]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

[bananadong]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my Joe. "About $5,500" said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

[bananadong]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen "I want that TV". The salesperson shook his head and said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So, the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said "I'll take that TV". Again, the salesman said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said "I want that TV". But the salesman still said "No, we don't sell to blondes". Finally, the blonde got fed up and said "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered "Cause that's a microwave".

[bananadong]

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonous snake. The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone and calls for help. He explains to the operator what happened and redirects him to a medic so he can tell him what to do. The medic explains that he has to suck the venom out of the bitten area. The first hunter climbs down from the tree with a sad face. The bitten hunter asks him, while in pain "What did the doctor say?" Then the first hunter replied "He said you are going to die!"

[bananadong]

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" "Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead; she'd been like that during sex for years".

[bananadong]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[bananadong]

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well" said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight".
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The woman replied "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine".

[bananadong]

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer.
The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[maks]

are you Kent Jr?

[bananadong]

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH".