Jokes

[bananadong]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.
Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".
So, they laid off the night watchman.

[bananadong]

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" the wife sighs "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".
To which John replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have TECHNICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break".
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps!" he says "And does it look like I have BUNNINGS written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...! anyway... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
So, John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks "How did all this get fixed..?"
John's wife replied "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
John asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Hellooooo... do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"

[bananadong]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts" she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No" said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes" said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked "Did you see?" "Yes" he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why?" she said. "You've seen it all before".
"I know" he said "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[bananadong]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

[bananadong]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars".
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".

[bananadong]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of it the Admiral asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side".
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear".
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said "Yes. You wear contact lenses". The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear".

[bananadong]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished".
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could!"
The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[bananadong]

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said "Well, I'm pregnant".
The wife said "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay".
She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.
The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for another two months, but then said "I am definitely leaving this time".
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No" she said "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"

[bananadong]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer". The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

[bananadong]

My wife came home from her annual breast examination with a big smile on her face. I asked "Why are you so happy?" The wife replied: "The lovely new young doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old". I laughed: "What did he say about your old, fat arse?" "Your name never came up!" she said

[bananadong]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear". A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear". A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing my fucking arse off out here!"

[bananadong]

People that drive alone in their cars with a facemask on are examples of why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.

[bananadong]

The Prime Minister, with his press entourage, was visiting an outback Aboriginal town. He asked the local elders what he could do for them. "Mista Prime Minsta, we have two big needs" replied the lead elder. "Firstly... they built us a nice new hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the PM's main man whipped out his phone. After speaking animatedly for a while, he turned his phone off, dropped it into his pocket and nodded to the PM. "Sorted! Now, what's your second problem?" "No mobile phone coverage..."

[bananadong]

My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him. He asked "Does Mummy have one"? I replied "Yes son, all women have one" "What's mummy's vagina like"? he asked. "You tell me, son. You were the last bloke anywhere near

[bananadong]

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

[bananadong]

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mummy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!" "Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

[bananadong]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!

[bananadong]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be a politician"
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[bananadong]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded". I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?"
"Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

[bananadong]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
To which he responded "I found the remote".

[bananadong]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".

[bananadong]

A guy was playing golf one day and got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I'm on?". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales".
He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

[bananadong]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded. The social workers immediately turned and walked off. One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".

[bananadong]

The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".

[bananadong]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fookin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway!"

[bananadong]

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

[bananadong]

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Fuck! My Rolex!"

[bananadong]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".

[bananadong]

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.
The clerk responds "Ahh excellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000".
Startled the man remarks that this seems like a high price for a bird.
"Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you".
The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well.
"This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you".
Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot.
"Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000".
The man is floored by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money?
"I don't know but the other two call it Boss".