Thread: Jokes

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    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    "Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
    "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet!
    "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
    The old lady stepped back and said "Well let me get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning".
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    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night?
    "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
    "Don't worry" John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
    He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
    "Yes, I do" said Keith.
    "Did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
    "Well, ummmm, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did".
    "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
    Keith's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?"
    She just died and left me everything".
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    A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
    She asked "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
    She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
    She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom "One box of large condoms, checkout 5".
    The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
    She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
    She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
    She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5".
    A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
    She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
    She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket, checkout 5".
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    Last week, my nextdoor neighbour asked me: "Seen as our houses are the same design... can I ask how many rolls of wall paper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came round looking angry: "I've got three rolls left over!!!" "So did I!" I said.
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    I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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    I came home last night to find a note on the fridge from herself. It read "This just isn't working, I'm leaving". I opened the fridge, light came on, the milk was cold all seemed fine to me. Dunno what she's on about!
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    A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".
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    A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".
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    Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work. After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even".
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    My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Convertors. Then sell my new car, take my front door key off me and kick me out the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed!"
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    A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid. "But" protested the social worker "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door. "This is the shithouse!"
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    I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said "No way, centipedes don't talk". The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening, I thought I'd give it another try so I went to its tank again and said "Slright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening, I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede replied "I heard you the first time I'm just putting my fucking shoes on!"
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    He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is obviously a very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.
    The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, in three moves he fixes the sink.
    He says "It's going to be $400"
    The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious. $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!! Of course, being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000 suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.
    The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger asks "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town can make $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!" To which the maintenance man replies "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer".
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    Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
    Ed was stunned.
    "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
    Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
    The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
    "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm going to explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You're shitting the damn bed!"
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    Recently, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
    The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
    The man looked shocked and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" says the CIA man "you're definitely not the right man for this job then".
    So, they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No" the CIA man replied "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".
    Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again, they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him".
    The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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    Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.
    The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes, he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.
    "See that little kid over there? That's where".
    The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.
    "See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from".
    The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.
    "See that wall over there?"
    They nod.
    "Well, I didn't".
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    The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
    The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
    The auditor thinks for a moment and says "OK. Go ahead". Grandpa says "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye".
    The auditor thinks a moment and says "It's a bet". Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
    Grandpa says "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye".
    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grands, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between".
    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
    "Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really" says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it".
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    An anti-vaxxer died, and to her surprise found herself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told her he would be happy to answer any questions the woman might have; about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course, the woman said "Was I right? Are vaccines a huge conspiracy after all?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The woman shook her head in disbelief, shaken to her very core, before murmuring "... this goes even higher than I thought!"
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    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
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    A mugger arrested was today after mugging several people. Police say he been charged with violating social distancing rules.
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    IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
    There is no iceberg.
    It's a little iceberg.
    We won't hit an iceberg.
    I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
    No one knows icebergs better than I do.
    The penguins brought the iceberg here.
    No one could have predicted the iceberg.
    We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
    The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
    Some of you have to drown.
    Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
    I am the best captain, ask anyone.
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    Self-isolation is getting so bad I'm starting to get a crush on my roommate... and we've been married for more than 40 years.
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    "So I heard your brother got coronavirus?" "Yeah but it's not serious" "I see, did you call your doctor or the hospital?" "Nah man, he's my brother, we have the same blood, I'll take care of him" "Nice, but just out of curiosity, what does he eat for breakfast?" "Nothing special, a thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Ah, and for lunch?" "A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Dinner?" -"A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Wait, do people with coronavirus have to eat only a thin slice of ham and a cracker?" "No, that's the only food in our house that can fit under his bedroom door".
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    The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".
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    A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said the friend "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill?" "Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man" he said.
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    Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Spoiler: something inside me says yes.
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    A plane crashes on am distant island and there are only three lucky survivors: The co-pilot, a stewardess and a passenger. Unfortunately, this island is far away from any ship route, meaning that they are stranded there, possibly forever.
    So, they started to build shelter, learn how to fish and hunt and how to spot and collect various edible fruits and vegetables. They even managed to keep track of the days on a huge calendar they carved into a huge boulder.
    Week after week they work on their new home and soon the former shelter became a nice house. They distributed the work evenly and according to their individual skills and soon their survival was simple. They started to see this Island as their new home and the three survivors formed a strong bond over the months they were stuck on the island.
    But something was missing. Not the internet, not alcohol or other modern commodities. Something more basic.
    So, one day the stewardess went to the two men and told them "Listen, guys. We're all stuck here together and I know that you guys are missing the same thing as I do. So, what about an arrangement: one of you gets to sleep with me on the days with an even number and the other one on days with an uneven number. And on holidays we do a three-way. "Both men immediately agreed and so they experienced some wonderful and happy months.
    But one day the stewardess got stung by a venomous animal and soon died. Both men were extremely sad and grieved not only over the loss of their sexual partner but because they loved her for being a cheerful, enthusiastic companion.
    One evening the former co-pilot went to his friend and said: "I know this loss is terrible, and we surely will need some time to process this, but I think, we should keep the schedule up: you go on days with an even number, and I take the uneven days on the calendar. This will help us to keep our spirits up!" "If you think so..." replied his friend.
    And so, they kept on for some months until one day the passenger said to his companion: "Listen... I can't do this anymore. What we are doing is disgusting, unethical and against the nature. We should stop this!"
    "Yeah... I guess you're right" said the co-pilot. Let's bury her".
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    Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"
    "Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned; bayonet bloody, but only managed 40".
    The first Russian asks "So did you punish his failure?"
    The second Russian says "No, I gave him another opportunity, as he seemed committed to the Motherland. But again, he returned; bayonet bloody, having killed only 47 oppressors of liberty".
    "So" the first Russian asks "You made him repent for his repeated failure?"
    "Is it not the failure of the teacher if the student is inadequate? I gave penance, submitted myself to command for my failure and spent five days in isolation to contemplate how best to serve Mother Russia. I decided to perform the task before him to teach him again and give him a final chance. "
    "We went out together to face the horde of oppressors again and I told him that by the end of the battle both of us must surely have performed the deed".
    "And how did it go, comrade?"
    The horde was vast and we stood before them alone, bayoneted rifles in our hands. Then I fired my rifle and the trainee yelled out: "Blyatt! What is that noise?!"
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    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
    When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
    "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
    "Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter". The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
    Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
    "Absolutely" the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever".
    "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy".
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    Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.
    "I had a factory that produced high-end furniture" said the first man. "Was successful for many years, made lots of money. But now the market is changing, cheap imported furniture is taking over. My company ran at a loss for a couple of years, and I didn't know what to do. And then one night there was a fire, and the whole damn factory burned down. I could have built a new factory with the insurance money, but you know, I figured I was old enough that it was time to retire. So, I just took the insurance money, and here I am".
    "Wow" said the second man. "That's so similar to my story. I had a factory that built speedboats. Lots of success for many years, made lots of money. But speedboat technology keeps changing faster and faster, and I wasn't keeping up, and I started to lose money. Then one day there was an earthquake, and the factory building collapsed! Luckily, I was insured, just like you, and I decided to retire, 'take the money and run' and now here I am".
    The first man gazed wide-eyed at the second man for several seconds, Then, in a low voice, he asked "How do you arrange an earthquake?"
    u me 2
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monde is a whiney fuck