Jokes

[bananadong]

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

[Dirty Harry]

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the of a
steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep
other side,he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road,making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief,he blew his air horn several times as he
was bearing down on then. He realised that they were not going
to stop or get out of his way,so slammed on his brakes and
stopped just inches from them.

Furious,he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the
truck. He looked down at the two,still in the road and
yelled,"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you
hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually,the man looked up at the truck driver,obviously
satisfied and not too concerned and said."Look,I was coming,
she was coming,and you were coming. You were the only one with
brakes."

[Dirty Harry]

2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late at night
and 2 men came out of the bushes,and started to force them
into having sex.

The first nun prayed saying,"Forgive him Lord for he does not
know what he is going."

While the other nun screams,"Mine does!"

[bananadong]

One day Pinocchio came to Geppetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinocchio" said Geppetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?" said Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

[bananadong]

I went to use the payphone down at the shops however they have replaced it with a defibrillator. That's shocking.

[bananadong]

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well" he mused "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

[bananadong]

A wife announced to a group of her friends that she had made her husband what he is today - a millionaire. Intrigued, one of her friends asked what he was before she met him? She replied "A billionaire".

[bananadong]

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

[bananadong]

A gent was on nude beach. Out of manners and to prevent sunburn, he kept his hat over his privates. A woman walked past sniggering and said "If you were gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He replied "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".

[bananadong]

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

[bananadong]

If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world from COVID, which country would you choose and why France.

[bananadong]

A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination he asks him if he will be okay. "I'm afraid not" says the doc "Mercury is in Uranus". "What? I don't agree with that astrology rubbish!" "Me neither. My thermometer just broke".

[bananadong]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".

[bananadong]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.

He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.

But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[bananadong]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day...

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita". Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?" Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax sluts... it hasn't opened yet!"

[bananadong]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you cunts who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you cunts who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".

She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are fucked off about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen".

[bananadong]

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either".

[Dirty Harry]

How to have a baby !

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in'

"Mother,where do babies come from ?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,"Well dear,Mommy and Daddy fall in
love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom,they kiss and hug and have
sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,"That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby,honey." The child seems to
comprehend.

"Oh,I see,but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in
your mouth. What do you get when you do that ?"

Jewelry,my dear. Jewelry

(last one I have)

[bananadong]

Two boys are in the woods They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave, man!? That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "Well, my mum said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

[bananadong]

The missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

[bananadong]

Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies "Yes, I have. He's watching the footy... who shall I say is calling?"

[bananadong]

My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going". I said to her "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

[bananadong]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.

[bananadong]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed". "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion".

[bananadong]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says "Fuck! that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman walks to her seat fuming and sits down. She says to the man sitting next to her. "That bus driver just insulted me". He says "You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on, I'll hold your monkey".

[bananadong]

A group of kids on street were calling their friend m0nde through his window. "Johnny, come out to play!" "I can't, I'm sick". Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked. I'm fucking my sister" said Johnny.

[bananadong]

Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".

[bananadong]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations.

So He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

"Fine" God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[bananadong]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.

"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife, we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder". "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".

"Join the club" says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask". I found a crate of milk under the bed".

"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"

The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".