Jokes

[bananadong]

A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her.
He gets out of bed again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks "We were just upstairs making love!"
"WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my GOD!" the wife gasps. "That's my mum up there you sick bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while".
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mum!!! Why didn't you say anything?" To which the replies: "Hah! I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start now!"

[bananadong]

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.
Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me".
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and lands in the water. "God Dammit!!" he shouts. The altar boy says "Father! Your language!" The priest says "I'm a priest, he'll let it slide".
On the third hole he hits a beautiful long drive straight down the fairway. The ball bounces onto the green. The priest grabs his binoculars and watches it roll toward the hole. The priest is thinking "I'm gonna get a hole in one!" But the ball stops about a half inch short. The priest throws his club and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"
The altar boy goes to retrieve the club. As he runs by the priest, a bolt of lightning streaks down out of the sky and kills the altar boy. A thundering voice from the heavens booms out "GOD DAMMIT!"

[bananadong]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister".
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister".
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying...
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[bananadong]

Three blokes were talking at work when the first bloke said "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed". The second bloke said "I think my missus is having it off with the plumber, because I found a plunger under our bed". "That's nothing" said the third bloke. "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I came home the other day and found a jockey under our bed!"

[bananadong]

If you're worried about coronavirus, rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

[bananadong]

Two guys in a truck come up to a bridge with a sign saying 'Max height 3m'. The one driving stops and asks the other how tall their load is. "It's about 4m" he says. "Damn, I don't want to have to turn around and find another way" says the driver. The other one gets out, looks around, gets back in, and says "It's okay, there's no cops, let's go".

[bananadong]

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me" says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he's very patriotic, decided on his first wish. "I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!" he declares. "Very well" says the genie. "And your second wish?" The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. "I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don't have to go back to school!"

[bananadong]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

[bananadong]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".

[bananadong]

Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

[bananadong]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

[bananadong]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world" he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

[bananadong]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

[bananadong]

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn't expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.
When they sat down, the grandchild noticed that the food looked delicious, and tasted delicious too.
But one think bothered him. He noticed that the plates were a little grimy and the silverware looked dirty. So, he asked his grandfather "Do you wash your dishes well?". The grandfather simply replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them".
The next week he made another trip to his grandfather's house.
Again, the grandfather cooks a beautiful dinner that tastes delicious. But, the grime on the plates and silverware still bothers the grandchild. He said "Grandfather, I don't think these dishes are clean. Are you sure you wash them well?" The grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them!"
The next week they meet again at the grandfather house. This time, upon noticing the dirty dishes, the grandchild says "Grandfather, I'm going to help you wash the dishes after dinner". The grandfather only says "Okay, but they're as clean as cold water will get them".
After dinner they carried the dishes into the kitchen. The grandfather began to set the dishes on the floor. The grandchild, confused, decided to see what he was up to.
After the dishes were arranged on the floor, the grandfather says "Come here, cold water" as his dog runs in.

[bananadong]

Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".

[bananadong]

A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish. A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Now she starts to get concerned. "Is that you, God?" she asks, trembling. "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"

[bananadong]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo". "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices". "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics". "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces". Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".

[bananadong]

Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"

[bananadong]

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realised she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

[bananadong]

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbour, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig". The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig". Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig".
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot".
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse".
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson".

[bananadong]

A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today".
"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.
"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".

[bananadong]

Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.
Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.
She telephoned her husband immediately and said "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"
Her husband replied "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer".
"Wow" she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"
Her husband replied "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs".

[bananadong]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"

[bananadong]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie". "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you " she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare".
The Customs officers thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused". "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

[bananadong]

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. They line up in front of Saint Peter.
"Sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, you must be cleansed of sin in this holy water" he says, pointing at the chalice beside him.
He calls up the first Nun and says "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" "Yes" responds the Nun. "With the tip of my finger".
Saint Peter nods solemnly and has the nun dip her finger into the holy water. She then proceeds into heaven.
He calls up the second Nun and poses the same question. She responds "Yes, with my entire hand".
Saint peter has her plunge her entire hand into the holy water. She is purified, and enters heaven.
He is about to call up the third Nun, when the fourth in line runs forward and interrupts him.
"Let me go next. I'm not gargling that shit after she dips her arse in it!".

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude. Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[bananadong]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".