Jokes

[bananadong]

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town. A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to the local lad and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the migrant the job". "And why would you do that?" replied the guy "We both got 19 questions right! Surely I should get the job over a foreigner?" The manager responded "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong". "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" He said. That's simple. On question number 7 the migrant wrote down 'I don't know' and you put down 'neither do I'".

[bananadong]

A new army recruit was sent to his first overseas posting and the base commander greeted him. "I think you'll like it here. We keep ourselves well entertained" said the commander. "On Monday nights we have poker". "Oh, I don't gamble, sir" the recruit told him. "That's alright" said the commander. "On Tuesday we have drinks, and on Wednesday the local slappers come and pleasure us in every way imaginable". "But I don't drink and I choose not to associate with loose women" protested the recruit. "What are you... gay?" bellowed the commander. "Certainly not!" answered the recruit. "You're really going to hate Thursdays and Fridays, then".

[bananadong]

So, aliens from Mars come down to Earth and they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the Pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen" the Pope starts to ask "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The Pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The Pope exclaims "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the Pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate".
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

[bananadong]

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.
Worried he won't remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his remember her name, which incidentally was Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny he would repeat to himself over and over.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The whole next day at work, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
On the train on the way home, Fanny with and 'r', Franny over and over.
In the shower while getting ready Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
In the car in the way to pick her up, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Finally, he arrives at her house. Rings the door bell and repeats to himself one last time Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The door opens and standing there's is the young lady's father "can I help you?" he asks. "Yes" says the young man "is cunt home“?

[bananadong]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark".
After a pause, the instructor added "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[bananadong]

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life

[bananadong]

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

[bananadong]

Paddy was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach but had trouble making it with any of the girls there. So, he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke".
"They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya mate... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everyone on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away and laughing, looking sick.
Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him "What's wrong now?" "JEEPERS mate!!" said the lifeguard "The potato goes in the front!"

[bananadong]

This woman is at her hairdresser and she says "I'm going to Rome on holiday". "Oh really" he says "what airline are you taking?" She says "Alitalia". He says "Alitalia? Are you crazy? That's terrible, don't take that!".
He says "Where are you gonna stay?" She says "I'm gonna stay at The Hassler". "The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They're renovating the Hassler. You'll hear hammering all night long. You won't sleep!"
"What are you gonna see?" She says "I think I'm going to try to go to the Vatican". "The Vatican? You'll be standing in line all day long!"
So, she goes to Rome, she comes back, and the hairdresser says "How was it?" She says "It was a great trip, it was wonderful!" "How was the Vatican?" "Wonderful! We happened to meet the Pope". "You met the Pope?" "Yeah, and he spoke to me". "What did he say to you?" "He said, 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"

[bananadong]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer" the man replies.

[bananadong]

I went to a popular restaurant the other day and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I thought I would have to either wait a while or go elsewhere. It was then that I had one of my inspirations. I took out my phone and said in a very loud phone call type voice "Hello! Yes this is Richard from the Detective agency; you were right in your suspicions, he is here as you suspected and is with another woman, just come along now and see for yourself". Eight men got up hurriedly and fled, followed immediately by the eight women, so I was able to get a table quite easily after all.

[bananadong]

A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they'd spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said "When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?" "All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the bloke. "So what are you thinking now?" asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes. "Well" said the bloke "I'm thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job".

[bananadong]

Got the wife a new Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat. Surprisingly the new dog still seems to like her!

[bananadong]

We had been together for 5 years, so I took my long-term girlfriend to a beautiful romantic Italian restaurant to celebrate. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair, and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied. "But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"

[bananadong]

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentine's Day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him". Her friend replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

[bananadong]

A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?".

[bananadong]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".

[bananadong]

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.
"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".
"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".
"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".
"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".
"Speared to death! My god!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".
"So gassed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."
"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was fucking wrecking the place!"

[bananadong]

On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday. The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.
Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion. She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".
Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer. He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".
And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.
"Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher. "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window". Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.
"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny. "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher. "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

[bananadong]

A very successful, arrogant young barrister is playing golf.
His ball goes out of bounds into a farmer's field. Just as he is about to climb over the fence to retrieve his ball an elderly farmer shouts out to him "Hey, keep off my land. You can't climb my fence without asking my permission first".
The barrister says "You obviously have no idea who I am. I am a top barrister and you are just some dumb farmer. If you prevent me from retrieving my ball, I can sue you for every penny you have".
"I don't know how you fancy barristers settle things" says the farmer "but around here we use the one-punch rule".
"The one-punch rule... what is that?" asks the barrister.
The old farmer explains "First I get to give you one punch, then you get to punch me, and so on until one of us gives up".
The barrister looks at the old farmer and thinks there is no way he can lose a fight against such an old man so he agrees to the contest.
The old farmer draws back his fist and, with all his strength, punches the barrister square on the nose, knocking him to the ground and drawing blood.
After taking a few minutes to recover the barrister says "Right you old codger.... now it's my turn!"
"No need" says the farmer "I give up, you can have your ball".

[bananadong]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[bananadong]

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs". "Odd" her companion replies "But if we shall live in America.... we might as well do as the Americans do".
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling "Hotdogs! get your dog's here!".
They both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please" says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige.
He wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush profusely and then staring at it again for a moment, she leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers "What part did you get?"

[bananadong]

A 6-year-old says to his 4-year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we start cussing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell and you say arse".
"Okay!" said the 4-year-old with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Awe hell mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"
*WHACK!*
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. Mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs and asks the 4-year-old "And what do YOU want for breakfast?
"I don't know... but you can bet your arse it won't be Cheerios!"

[bananadong]

A group of scientists one day decided to cut open the heads of a dead German, Japanese guy and a dead blonde, to see what goes on inside their heads and what makes them so different.
They first open the German's head. Inside they see gears everywhere, it looks like the inside of a Swiss watch, extremely impressive. They decide to close the lid and go on to the Japanese guy.
They open the Japanese guy's head. Inside are complex circuit boards and vast electronics, it looks like a computer inside, with chipsets galore. Very impressed by this, they decide to close his lid and move on to the blonde.
Upon opening the blonde's head, they find nothing, only a single wire running from one side of the head to the other. Extremely fascinated by this, and equally stumped by the purpose of the wire, they realise the only way they will find out what it does is to cut it and see what happens.
So, one guy gets the side cutters and they cut the wire. As soon as they do so, the two ears on either side of the blonde's head fall off.

[bananadong]

I've noticed that all women seem to carry around two key items in their handbags. Lipstick to make sure their lips stay red and moist, and tampons to make sure that they don't.

[bananadong]

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years". "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part".

[bananadong]

Many years ago I was on a sailing yacht crossing the Bay of Biscay. Seasickness was a major problem, especially as I was the navigator, and had to spend a lot of time at the chart table down below. In the medical box was a packet marked "suppositories, for severe seasickness". I tried a couple - useless, did nothing, might as well have stuck them up my arse...

[bananadong]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa" she says excitedly "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?

[bananadong]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said. "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"...

[bananadong]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!