Jokes

[bananadong]

A cowboy emigrated to Wales. He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

[bananadong]

"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition" said the pregnant woman, indignantly looking down at me on the bus. Keeping my eyes on the paper "A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car" I replied.

[bananadong]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out "Hey we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said "There is no way you can guess my age!"
One of the Grandmas said "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age".
Embarrassed but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong he did it.
Then they all said in unison "You're 87-years-old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked "How in the world did you guess my age?"
Slapping their knees high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear the three old ladies happily crowed... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[bananadong]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything... but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen..."

[bananadong]

Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?"
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate. In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man.
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished another very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet".
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs' good fortune, another man joined them.
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?" "Certainly" they replied "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?"
"Well, mixed fortunes really" he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends. One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane".

[bananadong]

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires over California. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realised that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport and where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport turned right instead of left as advised and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said "Fly over to the fire area and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer" he responded "and photographers take photographs".
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[bananadong]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".

[bananadong]

On a fine Sunday the church was full. The father was preaching when suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
About twenty minutes later she again screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
This goes on throughout the whole service and as people were leaving, Father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her. "Not here father" she says.
So, he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "It's very shameful, Farther. I cannot say it". Father assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other". She continues "One day he invited me to his house where he hugged me... oh it's so embarrassing, I won't be able to say it!" "Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the Father and went close to her and hugged her. "Is this how he hugged you?" "Yes Father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. Oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now finding himself aroused and staring down her cleavage says "Please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her. "Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off... ohh..."
Before she could say anything Farther pulls her top off. "Like this my child? " "Yes Father" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off" Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? " "Yes father, then he took his clothes off". Hearing this, Father, unable to control himself, rips HIS clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me". Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that. "Then he fucked me!"
Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said "That sounds pretty normal... so what went wrong?" "It's after that he confessed to me that he had AIDS!"
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!"

[bananadong]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".

[bananadong]

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my New Year's resolution 3840 x 2160.

[bananadong]

A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"

[bananadong]

What's worse than sitting on Santa's lap and he gets a woody? When he stands up and you don't slide off.

[bananadong]

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly "Don't worry sir, I believe they crucified him".

[bananadong]

I was in the pub on New Year's Eve, A woman stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the barman was almost crushed to death.

[bananadong]

I was browsing in a department store, looking for Christmas gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analogue?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".

[bananadong]

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said "Write that down, Mary, it's way better than Fred!"

[bananadong]

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says "Because I'm not a Christian". The teacher asks "So what are you then? " The girl replies "I'm an atheist". The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says "It's just that my family isn't religious. My mum's atheist, and my dad's atheist, so I'm atheist". The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron? And your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl "I'd be a born-again Christian!"

[bananadong]

I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year". Second blonde: "Bloody hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then".

[bananadong]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said "I did". "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[bananadong]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

[bananadong]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons - round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears - still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 - they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry".

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard! In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch - flexible but reliable. After his 50's - it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration".

[bananadong]

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".

Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".

"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".

"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".

[bananadong]

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be. The same is true for porn.

[bananadong]

A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000".
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket". "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work" said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder".

[bananadong]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says "A scotch on the rocks, please". The gorilla hands the bartender a $20 note. The bartender thinks to himself 'this gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks' and gives him $2 change. The bartender says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here". The gorilla replies "Well, at $18 a drink, I ain't coming back, either".

[bananadong]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind" said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner".

[bananadong]

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the pet shop store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".

[bananadong]

So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".