Jokes

[bananadong]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".

[bananadong]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.

He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.

But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[bananadong]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day...

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita". Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?" Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax sluts... it hasn't opened yet!"

[bananadong]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you cunts who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you cunts who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".

She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are fucked off about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen".

[Dirty Harry]

How to have a baby !

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in'

"Mother,where do babies come from ?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,"Well dear,Mommy and Daddy fall in
love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom,they kiss and hug and have
sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,"That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby,honey." The child seems to
comprehend.

"Oh,I see,but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in
your mouth. What do you get when you do that ?"

Jewelry,my dear. Jewelry

(last one I have)

[bananadong]

I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said "Two girls are fighting over me". "Okay..." she paused. "Well, what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning".

[bananadong]

Two boys are in the woods They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave, man!? That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "Well, my mum said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

[bananadong]

The missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

[bananadong]

Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies "Yes, I have. He's watching the footy... who shall I say is calling?"

[bananadong]

My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going". I said to her "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

[bananadong]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.

[bananadong]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed". "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion".

[bananadong]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says "Fuck! that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman walks to her seat fuming and sits down. She says to the man sitting next to her. "That bus driver just insulted me". He says "You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on, I'll hold your monkey".

[bananadong]

A group of kids on street were calling their friend m0nde through his window. "Johnny, come out to play!" "I can't, I'm sick". Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked. I'm fucking my sister" said Johnny.

[bananadong]

Two lawyers, Jon and Fred, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Fred a $50 bet. Fred agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Fred is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four-shot penalty, Fred secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together" Jon says "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[bananadong]

Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".

[bananadong]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations.

So He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

"Fine" God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[bananadong]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.

"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife, we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder". "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".

"Join the club" says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask". I found a crate of milk under the bed".

"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"

The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".

[bananadong]

A turtle and a frog were sitting on a log on the far side of the pond.

The turtle turned to the frog and said "I'll bet you I can beat you to the other side of the pond!" The frog, always bragging about how fast he was, exclaimed "No way! Not with THESE legs! I can swim TWICE as fast as you can!" "Okay, I'll bet you 3 flies I can beat you to the other side" the turtle said wryly. "You're on!" the frog said, as he jumped into the water.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" the turtle yelled loudly. And with that, the turtle dove deep into the water, swimming in a slow and steady pace near the bottom of the pond.

The frog continued skimming along the surface at a frantic pace, far ahead of the turtle, until he had almost reached the other shore.

Right when he was about to hop out of the water, a nearby alligator snapped him up in the middle of his jaws, with the frog still hanging partially out of his mouth.

A few moments later, the turtle calmly got out of the water and onto the shore, dried himself off, looked at the alligator straight in the eye and said "See? I TOLD you I could get you frog legs for dinner!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled "I have a .45 Colt with an eight-shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!"

[bananadong]

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me "Where the fuck did you get her from, son?! She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied "There's no need to whisper, dad. She's deaf as well".

[bananadong]

Got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than our dog. I can fuck it up the arse when the wife's at work and she'll never notice it's walking funny!

[bananadong]

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said "The cat just died". She burst into tears and said "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!? Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof!" he replied.

[bananadong]

I ran my fingers through her long dark curly hair... but she didn't like being tickled under her armpit

[bananadong]

"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year. "He's a magician" said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?" "Sawing people in half". "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters".

[bananadong]

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid cyclist, bouncing off your windscreen?

[bananadong]

Stopped at a service station earlier. Picked up a KitKat, a bottle of water and a sausage roll. As I approached the checkout, I mentioned to the girl at the till I only had a $50 note. "No problem" she said "Put the sausage roll back".

[bananadong]

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them screamed "It's Wales you idiot!" So, I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?" That's all I remember.

[bananadong]

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know, son?" "Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

[bananadong]

One day a man called the church office and said "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Father,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 in my will to the church building fund..." To this, the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"