Jokes

[bananadong]

A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.

The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?! You've got to be joking!"

He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.

"I want summat simple" he explained. "My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky".

"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. "Nay, lass" he said "she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "GLADYS SMITH DIED"

"You must say when she died" insisted the lady in the office. "Must I? OK, well, let's just put "DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. That'll do".

"Okay" said the newspaper lady "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".

The husband considered for a moment. "Well" he said "just include... SADLY MISSED... that'll do".

"For the minimum price, you can have another four words included" the woman explained. "No, no" the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that".

"You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price".

"Are they? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?" "Yes, indeed, Mr Smith". "Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em!"

The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post"

"GLADYS SMITH DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. SADLY MISSED. ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE".

[bananadong]

A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.

So, from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night".

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love.

After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"

The husband asked "What's this Bell 4??" And the wife replied "More Hose!! You're nowhere near the fire!"

[bananadong]

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.
--
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked. "No, sir" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut, as it happens), people from Liverpool in England have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner-city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home" the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss". Justin, the 4-year-old, quickly piped up "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mummy's chair.
--
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane"... Mickey replied "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass".

[bananadong]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said the husband "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

[bananadong]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[bananadong]

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Papa, it was boring.

We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shite, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.

[bananadong]

An old Marine pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a beautiful young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so yeah, I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

[bananadong]

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.

The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.

When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears, as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit" the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit".

Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.

"After that" he continued "it was just a matter of swapping the heads".

[bananadong]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'Nothing'. The reason I said "Nothing" instead of saying "Just thinking" is because she then would have asked "About what?" You know what nosey sods they can be! At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they 'know'?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really 'know' here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".

[bananadong]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" Dave replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'".
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want"...

[bananadong]

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire. Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus too".

[bananadong]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mummy" said the little boy "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work" she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money".

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true, mummy?"

His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mummy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers" she replied.

[bananadong]

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
--
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
--
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
--
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--
A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"
--
A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.
--
Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".

[bananadong]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left". "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten" the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."
--
A man walked into the doctor's office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the guy and says "Well, you're not eating properly".
--
You never realise how anti-social you are until there's a pandemic and your life really doesn't change that much.

[bananadong]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The Director asks in turn arrogantly "Why are you so interested in that...?" "I have a million dollars in your bank" the shoeshine says "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market".

"What your name?" asks the Director. "John Smith H." he says.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department "Do we have a client named John Smith H.?" "Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account".

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you".

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members.

"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him".

Mr. Smith began his story "I came to this country fifty-years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place".

"Then finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars".

[bananadong]

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.
Ray says "I've got an idea" and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. "here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free".
"What the hell, Ray? Now we don't have any money!". "Don't worry, we'll go to the bar, order some drinks and when the bartender asks us to pay the tab, you stand up, unzip your fly, pull out the sausage and I'll start sucking on it".
The two blokes walk to the nearest bar, sit down and order two beers and two shots of whiskey. They down the drinks and order another round, drink those and order another. After the third round the bartender asks them to pay up. With that, Fred stands up, unzips his fly and Ray leaned over and proceeded to suck sausage.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my bar!" says the bartender, the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says Fred. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 12th bar, Ray says "Man, I'm starving. All that beer made me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it".
"Sausage?" says Fred "I ate it four bars ago!"

[bananadong]

Cinderella was now 75-years-old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy" she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother" said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for" asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had".
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

[bananadong]

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky".
The genie grants his wish.
So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies $10 on the footpath.
Not a bad start he thinks.
As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.
He puts the $10 on the horse, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1010 on "Lucky seven".
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden, he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge". The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl... so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental beauty he has ever seen.
Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead".
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark".
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

[bananadong]

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer's day when he comes to a clearing.
In the clearing there's a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he's ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace.
After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea". She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers.
Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea".
She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing.
After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says "They've got the right idea". She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting.
He can't contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says "Are you sure your dog won't mind?"

[bananadong]

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...
He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said "You know, maybe we should learn a second language". "Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy. "It would help out in situations like the one we just had".
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
"I have an idea!" says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...
"If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he'll be a preacher".
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.
"Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

[bananadong]

A man is stopped by an old woman who was holding out seeds and says "Take these seeds and you will be on your way to success".
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree.
A booming voice rings out from above him: "Climb this tree to success!"
The man does so, climbing into the tree and climbing up, he finds a clear patch on a thick flat branch and sees an old man, the old man says "I know success well and I can teach you a lot, but continue to climb and you will learn success yourself".
The man agrees and climbs higher, climbing up until he sees that the limbs were turning gold and leaves were becoming jewels, coming to another landing to see piles of gold coins.
The man thinks there must be more if he continues so he continues climbing and comes to the third landing, a beautiful woman was standing there, dazzling in the light of the sun.
"I am the embodiment of your fantasies, I'll do anything you request, but if you wish, you can continue climbing to the top to success".
The man, a buzzing question, what could be at the top, raced through his mind, so he continues to climb. At the very top was the final clearing, the old man from before standing before him. The man turns around with a big grin under his bushy beard and says. "Hello, I'm Cess".

[bananadong]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"...

[bananadong]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

[bananadong]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home? First kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful, every family should have a computer". The second kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying "That's an excellent choice". Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything". The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need".
--
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "You should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
--
A man got in a taxi to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
--
What has happened to morality? I never thought my wedding ring would be a status symbol in the maternity ward.
--
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mum "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, dick, let's go".
--
The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says "Well I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

[bananadong]

A man is dying of a rare disease.
This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.
A Make-A-Wish-esque foundation hears of his condition and decides to let him live out any experience he'd like.
The man has always been a huge baseball fan, but has never been to a Major League game, so he asks to be taken to the Cincinnati Reds opening day game.
He gets to the game and gets the full experience. He's sitting right behind home plate, he's been given food and beer and memorabilia and he's having a great time.
It's the bottom of the second inning and all of a sudden, a man two rows behind him starts vomiting everywhere.
The dying man turns around and realises it's probably the sight of his disfigured body that is making the other man sick.
"I'm sorry sir" says the dying man "if my appearance is making you sick, I can leave. I don't want to ruin the game for anyone". "No, no" replies the other man "it's okay. Just enjoy the game. I'll be fine".
So the game continues and two innings later, the man two rows back starts throwing up again.
"Seriously man, if I'm grossing you out, I'll leave. I don't want to be a burden" says the dying man. "No, I swear, I'm fine" urges the other man "Just enjoy the game"
Finally, after two more innings, the man two rows back starts vomiting worse than before. "I'm just going to go". Demands the dying man. "I'm sorry I've ruined the game for you. I'm just going to leave".
At that the man two rows back finally responds. "No, I'm telling you it's not you at all, it's just... the man behind you keeps dipping his nachos in your neck".

[bananadong]

One morning, at the research lab an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking.
The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.
The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been born in a cage, he'd never seen the outside before! He hopped over onto the grass, feeling it under his little bunny feet for the first time. He hopped down into a meadow, bewildered at all the new experiences: the grass, the blue sky, the fresh air...
"Hiya, pal! You're new around here!" The little bunny rabbit turned at the sound to see another little bunny rabbit. This meadow bunny didn't look sickly like the other bunnies in the lab, though. He looked strong and healthy.
"Y-yes, I, uh, just got here".
The meadow bunny smiled and said "Well, come with me, pal. I'll show you around!" He led the little bunny rabbit to a wide field that was covered in small purple flowers. "This is our clover field, help yourself and eat as much as you'd like".
Hesitantly, the little bunny rabbit took a bite. It was delicious! "Oh, my! This is so much better than the pellets they fed me in the lab!" He ate and ate until he could eat no more.
The meadow bunny said "I'll bet you're thirsty! Come on, let's get you a drink". He led the little bunny rabbit to a burbling stream. "As you can see, the water never stops. Whenever you're thirsty, come and drink all you'd like".
The little bunny rabbit took a drink. It was the sweetest water he'd ever tasted! "My" said the little bunny rabbit. "This water is so refreshingly cold, and it doesn't taste like plastic!" He drank until his thirst was quenched.
"Come with me" said the meadow bunny. "I want to introduce you to everyone". And he led the little bunny rabbit to a clearing where dozens of girl bunnies leaped about and played. He introduced the little bunny rabbit to the girl bunnies, who all were very excited to meet him. And so that is how the little bunny rabbit spent his first afternoon of freedom: eating sweet clover, drinking cold fresh water, and frolicking with the girl bunnies.
The western sky was reddening and the shadows of the trees were stretching long across the clearing when the meadow bunny hopped up to the little bunny rabbit and said "Friend, you look tired! Come with me and I'll show you where you can sleep".
The little bunny rabbit said "Thank you, new friend. You and all the others have been very kind, but I must go now".
Astonished, the meadow bunny said "But... why?" "I have to get back to the lab" said the little bunny rabbit. "I'm dyin' for a smoke".

[bananadong]

Two Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you".
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly".
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank".
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen". "Wait, said the Accountant "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery".
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[bananadong]

A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.
Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "Okay, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me". "I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus "Just name it".
So the man says to the woman "You know... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds".
The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm. She then asks "Now can I fuck you?"
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on".
"Okay" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks. "Now can I fuck you?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows".
She says "Okay" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.
So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we fuck? PLEASE?!"
And the young man looks at her shocked and says "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather!?"

[bananadong]

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor.
The prof asks the first blonde "You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I open the window".
"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind blows south at 12 miles per hour. Given the size of the cabin is 9 cubic meters and the surface area of the open window is 2 square meters, how long does it take for the room to fill with fresh air?"
"I... I don't know..."
"Clearly you have not studied" says the professor "I'll see you next year".
He turns to the second blonde. "Miss, you are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I take off my jacket".
"Ok, but it is still too hot". "Then I take off my sweater and unbutton my shirt".
"It is far too hot for that still". "Well then" says the blonde "I take off my shirt, and pants, and underpants, and I guess I sit there naked".
"And what if there are some sketchy men in the cabin with you getting excited by this?" the prof asks. "Look" exclaims the blonde "I don't care if Bill Cosby is sitting on my left, Derrick Rose on my right, and Donald Trump just walked through the door, I'm not opening that fucking window!"