Jokes

[bananadong]

A large fat, big mouthed American is on a bus tour of Sydney and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Australia. As they meander around Randwick, he points his podgy finger at a small building attached to The Prince of Wales hospital and says to the tour guide "See that hospital building over there? Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger". The tour guide says "I'm not surprised mate. That's the obesity wing".

[bananadong]

A German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping".
The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror, he asked "Please tie two pillows to my back". This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness" the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"
And the Irishman said "Tie the Englishman to my back".

[bananadong]

Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John" she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later". "That's mighty nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife would like it".
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very, very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay" I finally agreed but thought to myself "my wife won't like it".
After a couple of restorative scotch's, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now".
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess".

[bananadong]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When
he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".
The old guy obeys and says "99".
The doctor says "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".
Again, the old guy says "99".
The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'".
The old guy begins "One... two... three..."

[bananadong]

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there".
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him "Mike--Miiiike".
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike...it's me, Joe". "You're not Joe. Joe just died". "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe" insists the voice".
"Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven" replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news". "Tell me the good news first!" says Mike.
"The good news" Joe says" is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired".
That's fantastic" says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!" "So, what's the bad news?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match..."

[bananadong]

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes".
"These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam".
The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a drawer and settled into my new job. The people were friendly, there were always fresh donuts and bottomless coffee, and everything always just fell into place.
Until one day it hit the fan.
Everyone came looking for me for this major issue, and I'll be honest, I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the envelopes and proceeded to open the one marked #1.
"Blame the previous guy".
Well, sure! I mean, if it wasn't for all the stuff he did in the past, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! I told everyone it was the previous guy's fault, and everyone seemed to accept that. Slowly, business got back to normal. I felt like I dodged a bullet.
Months went by and not a single bump in the road. And then... another crisis. I could hear people yelling my name, and not in a good way. Without hesitation, I reached for envelope #2.
"Blame the support staff".
Right? I mean, if they were doing their job and told me sooner, I could've fixed all of this before it was even a problem! Everyone nodded. Couldn't argue with that logic. I was relieved to have dodged another bullet. I must be pretty good at this after all!
A full year went by and, sure, some people had since been let go, but I was still sitting pretty with a good job and a carefree attitude. Things just always seemed to work out!
When the next crisis hit, I wasn't even phased. I could hear the people yelling my name, and I could almost even imagine them carrying pitchforks all aimed at me. Whatever. I still had that final envelope which I opened as everyone was amassed at my door.
"Prepare three envelopes" it said.

[bananadong]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing" the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off".
"Lady" the attendant said "Indians don't use saddles".

[bananadong]

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says "Convert to Catholicism and get $20". Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe" replies Murray "I'm thinking of doing it". Abe says "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says "Abe, I'm going to do it". With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So" asks Abe "did you convert?" "Yes, I did" says Murray. "Did you get your twenty dollars?" Murray looks at Abe and says "Is that all you people think about?"

[bananadong]

My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Sarah didn't turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said "Her mother died suddenly last night I'm afraid and she's still trying to come to grips with the situation". "Oh No! That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Is she coping okay?" "Pretty well considering" I replied. "She's just cooked me a breakfast, scrubbed the floor, and she's on her second load of washing".

[bananadong]

This bloke goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every day I wake up and shag my wife before we get out of bed. Then when she's gone to work, I go downstairs and take the maid from behind while she's washing the dishes. After that I take the car pool to work, and when it's down to just the last woman and me, we climb into the back seat for a quickie. Then, when I get to my office, I shag my secretary over her desk and do some work before the tea lady comes around mid-morning, and shag her over mine. I spend my lunch hour at my girlfriend's place and we manage to fit in a few before I go back to work. The tea lady comes back in the afternoon and I shag her again, and give another one to my secretary before I leave for the day. When I get home, I take the maid again, and then have a quickie with my wife when she gets back. Finally, we have another in bed at night before going to sleep". "I don't understand, what help do you need from me?" asks the doctor. "It hurts when I jack off".

[bananadong]

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town. A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to the local lad and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the migrant the job". "And why would you do that?" replied the guy "We both got 19 questions right! Surely I should get the job over a foreigner?" The manager responded "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong". "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" He said. That's simple. On question number 7 the migrant wrote down 'I don't know' and you put down 'neither do I'".

[bananadong]

A new army recruit was sent to his first overseas posting and the base commander greeted him. "I think you'll like it here. We keep ourselves well entertained" said the commander. "On Monday nights we have poker". "Oh, I don't gamble, sir" the recruit told him. "That's alright" said the commander. "On Tuesday we have drinks, and on Wednesday the local slappers come and pleasure us in every way imaginable". "But I don't drink and I choose not to associate with loose women" protested the recruit. "What are you... gay?" bellowed the commander. "Certainly not!" answered the recruit. "You're really going to hate Thursdays and Fridays, then".

[bananadong]

So, aliens from Mars come down to Earth and they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the Pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen" the Pope starts to ask "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The Pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The Pope exclaims "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the Pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate".
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

[bananadong]

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.
Worried he won't remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his remember her name, which incidentally was Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny he would repeat to himself over and over.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The whole next day at work, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
On the train on the way home, Fanny with and 'r', Franny over and over.
In the shower while getting ready Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
In the car in the way to pick her up, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Finally, he arrives at her house. Rings the door bell and repeats to himself one last time Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The door opens and standing there's is the young lady's father "can I help you?" he asks. "Yes" says the young man "is cunt home“?

[bananadong]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark".
After a pause, the instructor added "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[bananadong]

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life

[bananadong]

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

[bananadong]

Paddy was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach but had trouble making it with any of the girls there. So, he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke".
"They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya mate... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everyone on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away and laughing, looking sick.
Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him "What's wrong now?" "JEEPERS mate!!" said the lifeguard "The potato goes in the front!"

[bananadong]

This woman is at her hairdresser and she says "I'm going to Rome on holiday". "Oh really" he says "what airline are you taking?" She says "Alitalia". He says "Alitalia? Are you crazy? That's terrible, don't take that!".
He says "Where are you gonna stay?" She says "I'm gonna stay at The Hassler". "The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They're renovating the Hassler. You'll hear hammering all night long. You won't sleep!"
"What are you gonna see?" She says "I think I'm going to try to go to the Vatican". "The Vatican? You'll be standing in line all day long!"
So, she goes to Rome, she comes back, and the hairdresser says "How was it?" She says "It was a great trip, it was wonderful!" "How was the Vatican?" "Wonderful! We happened to meet the Pope". "You met the Pope?" "Yeah, and he spoke to me". "What did he say to you?" "He said, 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"

[bananadong]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer" the man replies.

[bananadong]

I went to a popular restaurant the other day and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I thought I would have to either wait a while or go elsewhere. It was then that I had one of my inspirations. I took out my phone and said in a very loud phone call type voice "Hello! Yes this is Richard from the Detective agency; you were right in your suspicions, he is here as you suspected and is with another woman, just come along now and see for yourself". Eight men got up hurriedly and fled, followed immediately by the eight women, so I was able to get a table quite easily after all.

[bananadong]

A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they'd spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said "When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?" "All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the bloke. "So what are you thinking now?" asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes. "Well" said the bloke "I'm thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job".

[bananadong]

Got the wife a new Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat. Surprisingly the new dog still seems to like her!

[bananadong]

We had been together for 5 years, so I took my long-term girlfriend to a beautiful romantic Italian restaurant to celebrate. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair, and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied. "But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"

[bananadong]

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentine's Day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him". Her friend replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

[bananadong]

A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?".

[bananadong]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".

[bananadong]

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.
"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".
"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".
"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".
"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".
"Speared to death! My god!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".
"So gassed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."
"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was fucking wrecking the place!"

[bananadong]

On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday. The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.
Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion. She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".
Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer. He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".
And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.
"Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher. "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window". Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.
"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny. "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher. "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

[bananadong]

A very successful, arrogant young barrister is playing golf.
His ball goes out of bounds into a farmer's field. Just as he is about to climb over the fence to retrieve his ball an elderly farmer shouts out to him "Hey, keep off my land. You can't climb my fence without asking my permission first".
The barrister says "You obviously have no idea who I am. I am a top barrister and you are just some dumb farmer. If you prevent me from retrieving my ball, I can sue you for every penny you have".
"I don't know how you fancy barristers settle things" says the farmer "but around here we use the one-punch rule".
"The one-punch rule... what is that?" asks the barrister.
The old farmer explains "First I get to give you one punch, then you get to punch me, and so on until one of us gives up".
The barrister looks at the old farmer and thinks there is no way he can lose a fight against such an old man so he agrees to the contest.
The old farmer draws back his fist and, with all his strength, punches the barrister square on the nose, knocking him to the ground and drawing blood.
After taking a few minutes to recover the barrister says "Right you old codger.... now it's my turn!"
"No need" says the farmer "I give up, you can have your ball".

[bananadong]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[bananadong]

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs". "Odd" her companion replies "But if we shall live in America.... we might as well do as the Americans do".
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling "Hotdogs! get your dog's here!".
They both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please" says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige.
He wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush profusely and then staring at it again for a moment, she leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers "What part did you get?"

[bananadong]

A 6-year-old says to his 4-year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we start cussing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell and you say arse".
"Okay!" said the 4-year-old with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Awe hell mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"
*WHACK!*
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. Mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs and asks the 4-year-old "And what do YOU want for breakfast?
"I don't know... but you can bet your arse it won't be Cheerios!"

[bananadong]

A group of scientists one day decided to cut open the heads of a dead German, Japanese guy and a dead blonde, to see what goes on inside their heads and what makes them so different.
They first open the German's head. Inside they see gears everywhere, it looks like the inside of a Swiss watch, extremely impressive. They decide to close the lid and go on to the Japanese guy.
They open the Japanese guy's head. Inside are complex circuit boards and vast electronics, it looks like a computer inside, with chipsets galore. Very impressed by this, they decide to close his lid and move on to the blonde.
Upon opening the blonde's head, they find nothing, only a single wire running from one side of the head to the other. Extremely fascinated by this, and equally stumped by the purpose of the wire, they realise the only way they will find out what it does is to cut it and see what happens.
So, one guy gets the side cutters and they cut the wire. As soon as they do so, the two ears on either side of the blonde's head fall off.

[bananadong]

I've noticed that all women seem to carry around two key items in their handbags. Lipstick to make sure their lips stay red and moist, and tampons to make sure that they don't.

[bananadong]

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years". "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part".

[bananadong]

Many years ago I was on a sailing yacht crossing the Bay of Biscay. Seasickness was a major problem, especially as I was the navigator, and had to spend a lot of time at the chart table down below. In the medical box was a packet marked "suppositories, for severe seasickness". I tried a couple - useless, did nothing, might as well have stuck them up my arse...

[bananadong]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa" she says excitedly "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?

[bananadong]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said. "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"...

[bananadong]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

[bananadong]

A cowboy emigrated to Wales. He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

[bananadong]

"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition" said the pregnant woman, indignantly looking down at me on the bus. Keeping my eyes on the paper "A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car" I replied.

[bananadong]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out "Hey we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said "There is no way you can guess my age!"
One of the Grandmas said "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age".
Embarrassed but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong he did it.
Then they all said in unison "You're 87-years-old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked "How in the world did you guess my age?"
Slapping their knees high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear the three old ladies happily crowed... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[bananadong]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything... but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen..."

[bananadong]

Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?"
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate. In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man.
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished another very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet".
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs' good fortune, another man joined them.
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?" "Certainly" they replied "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?"
"Well, mixed fortunes really" he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends. One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane".

[bananadong]

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires over California. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realised that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport and where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport turned right instead of left as advised and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said "Fly over to the fire area and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer" he responded "and photographers take photographs".
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[bananadong]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".

[bananadong]

On a fine Sunday the church was full. The father was preaching when suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
About twenty minutes later she again screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
This goes on throughout the whole service and as people were leaving, Father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her. "Not here father" she says.
So, he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "It's very shameful, Farther. I cannot say it". Father assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other". She continues "One day he invited me to his house where he hugged me... oh it's so embarrassing, I won't be able to say it!" "Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the Father and went close to her and hugged her. "Is this how he hugged you?" "Yes Father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. Oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now finding himself aroused and staring down her cleavage says "Please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her. "Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off... ohh..."
Before she could say anything Farther pulls her top off. "Like this my child? " "Yes Father" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off" Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? " "Yes father, then he took his clothes off". Hearing this, Father, unable to control himself, rips HIS clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me". Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that. "Then he fucked me!"
Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said "That sounds pretty normal... so what went wrong?" "It's after that he confessed to me that he had AIDS!"
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!"

[bananadong]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".

[bananadong]

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my New Year's resolution 3840 x 2160.

[bananadong]

A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"

[bananadong]

What's worse than sitting on Santa's lap and he gets a woody? When he stands up and you don't slide off.

[bananadong]

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly "Don't worry sir, I believe they crucified him".

[bananadong]

I was in the pub on New Year's Eve, A woman stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the barman was almost crushed to death.

[bananadong]

I was browsing in a department store, looking for Christmas gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analogue?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".

[bananadong]

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said "Write that down, Mary, it's way better than Fred!"

[bananadong]

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says "Because I'm not a Christian". The teacher asks "So what are you then? " The girl replies "I'm an atheist". The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says "It's just that my family isn't religious. My mum's atheist, and my dad's atheist, so I'm atheist". The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron? And your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl "I'd be a born-again Christian!"

[bananadong]

I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year". Second blonde: "Bloody hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then".

[bananadong]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said "I did". "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[bananadong]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

[bananadong]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons - round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears - still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 - they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry".

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard! In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch - flexible but reliable. After his 50's - it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration".

[bananadong]

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".

Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".

"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".

"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".

[bananadong]

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be. The same is true for porn.

[bananadong]

A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000".
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket". "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work" said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder".

[bananadong]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says "A scotch on the rocks, please". The gorilla hands the bartender a $20 note. The bartender thinks to himself 'this gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks' and gives him $2 change. The bartender says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here". The gorilla replies "Well, at $18 a drink, I ain't coming back, either".

[bananadong]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind" said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner".

[bananadong]

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the pet shop store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".

[bananadong]

So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".

[bananadong]

I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke its neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said "Flippin' me the bird".

[bananadong]

I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

[bananadong]

A scruffy old hobo walks into town on market day.
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".

[bananadong]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.
Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to buckle. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate.
Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and across the furniture, all in the room of one of them - the one who dragged the rest of his buddy's home to the hotel after the bar.
They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room exits the bathroom. Looking a little worse for wear, but overall, still there.
He goes "Not to worry, gents, I've made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!" His friend says "What? You out-drank them? That's great news!" He replies "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts!"

[bananadong]

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication. Generally, I write human interest articles. Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.
Upon entering the Pope's office, I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug. The Pope and I had an amazing conversation that lasted approximately 30 minutes.
During the entire time I was interviewing the Pope, my eyes kept glancing at a phone set into a nook on the wall. The phone appeared to be made of solid gold. The phone seems so out of place in that office that I continue to stare at it, wondering what that phone was, and where the other end went to.
At the end of the interview I asked the Pope "Your Holiness, I couldn't help but look at that phone on the wall, and wondering, where does it go?"
In response the Pope raised his eyes and pointed skyward.
"Excuse me your holiness, are you saying that that phone goes straight up to God?" "Yes, my son that's exactly right" the Pope replied.
"Well, your Holiness this may sound rash but do you think there's any possibility that I might speak to him?" "Why yes my son, you may. I will leave you alone for 10 or so minutes so that you may speak with him" the Pope replied.
After leaving the room I picked up the phone, and had the most amazing conversation of my life with you know who.
After leaving the office I found the Pope was in the outer office waiting for me to finish.
"Your Holiness, that was a most amazing and life-changing event for me. Is there anything I could do to repay this kindness and privilege that you have granted me?" "Well, my son, you could leave a donation, maybe $5,000 would be enough" the Pope replied.
Pulling out my cheque book I eagerly signed the check for a $5,000 donation to the church.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. This time I was sent to Israel to do an interview with the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. The interview went very much like the interview with the Pope I had the year earlier. However, once again when I went into his office, I saw an identical phone in a niche on the wall behind the Rabbi.
Once again at the end of the interview I asked the Rabbi "Rabbi excuse me but I have to ask you this question, last year I was in Rome and had an opportunity to interview the Pope. He had a similar phone on the wall and granted me the incredible privilege to speak to God on his phone. Do you think it might be possible that I may use your phone to once again speak to him...?" "Yes my son, you may use my phone and speak to him if you wish" the Rabbi responded.
Once again I was left alone for approximately 20 minutes to speak with God.
At the end of the conversation, I left the Rabbi's office and entered his secretary's office, where the Rabbi was waiting for me to finish.
Speaking to the Rabbi before I left I said to him "Rabbi, last year when I was with the Pope he requested that I make a donation to the church for the privilege of using his phone. I would be more than willing to make a donation to you for the same privilege. How much should I write the check for?" I asked. "Well my son, $5 would be enough to cover the cost" the Rabbi responded. "$5...? Last year when I interviewed the Pope, he asked for a donation of $5,000. Why are you only asking for $5?" I inquired. "Well you see my son, from here it's a local call".

[bananadong]

Little John approached his father one day.
"Dad" he started. "What's the difference between supposedly and in fact?" His dad looks over his newspaper and ponders upon this for a minute.
"Why don't you go to your sister and ask if she would have sex with the neighbour's son for a million dollars?"
Little John doesn't understand what this has to do with his questions, but shrugs and goes to his older sister. He comes back after a short while.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad nods absentmindedly, not looking up from his newspaper this time.
"Then why don't you go to your mother and ask her if she would have sex with the neighbour for a million dollars?"
Little John still doesn't understand where this is leading towards, but he goes and asks his mother.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad turns a page, still reading, and nods.
"Well, you see son, we're supposedly rich, when in fact we have two whores under our roof".

[bananadong]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
The man had a large cardboard box under the bed. His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it.
One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.
That night, she asked her husband what this was about.
"Well" he replied. "If you want to know the truth, each time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I put an empty beer can in the box".
She was shocked but decided to control her anger and look at the bright side. "I guess two times in 50 years is not terrible, it could have been a lot worse".
He agreed.
Then she asked "But what about the coins and dollar bills?" "Each time the box got full of cans, I would recycle them and put the money there".

[bananadong]

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a holiday.
After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room, he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her 'the look'. Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies "You're right, let's go to the beach".
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them.
"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me".
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught this woman making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay".

[bananadong]

https://ist6-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/2/5/5/6/255647/c/m/D/j/cmDjX/James-Webb-Teleskop_m.jpg (https://pimpandhost.com/image/182710401)

With a construction period of more than 20 years, the participation of thousands of scientists and a cost of ten billion US dollars, the James Webb Space Telescope is already a project of superlatives. Now the unmanned probe, whose destination is 1.5 million kilometers from Earth, has taken its first pictures, which are available exclusively to the Postillon.

As expected, the photos are dark. After all, they were taken in space. Surprisingly from the point of view of astronomers, however, should be that in the peripheral regions of space, on which the telescope was directed, letters are to be seen, which seem to form even correct words.

"We expected a few things like this, but not this," admits NASA spokesman Neil Davis. "We've never seen star formations this bizarre, because that's all this can be. Space is full of wonders! We'll be studying this very closely in the coming weeks."

Also puzzling scientists at the moment is the fact that all the images seem to show the same motif. "No matter which direction the telescope photographs, we always see this mysterious constellation," Davis said. Einstein's theory of relativity probably now needs to be rethought, he said.

Two more images from the space telescope:

https://ist6-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/2/5/5/6/255647/c/m/D/j/cmDjX/James-Webb-Teleskop_m.jpg (https://pimpandhost.com/image/182710401)

https://ist6-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/2/5/5/6/255647/c/m/D/j/cmDjX/James-Webb-Teleskop_m.jpg (https://pimpandhost.com/image/182710401)

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".

[bananadong]

I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

[bananadong]

So, I'm standing next to this woman on the elevator. I asked her "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies "NO!" I say "Must be your feet"..

[bananadong]

A scruffy old hobo walks into town on market day.
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".

[bananadong]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[Dirty Harry]

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the of a
steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep
other side,he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road,making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief,he blew his air horn several times as he
was bearing down on then. He realised that they were not going
to stop or get out of his way,so slammed on his brakes and
stopped just inches from them.

Furious,he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the
truck. He looked down at the two,still in the road and
yelled,"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you
hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually,the man looked up at the truck driver,obviously
satisfied and not too concerned and said."Look,I was coming,
she was coming,and you were coming. You were the only one with
brakes."

[Dirty Harry]

2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late at night
and 2 men came out of the bushes,and started to force them
into having sex.

The first nun prayed saying,"Forgive him Lord for he does not
know what he is going."

While the other nun screams,"Mine does!"

[bananadong]

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either".

[bananadong]

One day Pinocchio came to Geppetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinocchio" said Geppetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?" said Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

[bananadong]

I went to use the payphone down at the shops however they have replaced it with a defibrillator. That's shocking.

[bananadong]

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well" he mused "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

[bananadong]

A wife announced to a group of her friends that she had made her husband what he is today - a millionaire. Intrigued, one of her friends asked what he was before she met him? She replied "A billionaire".

[bananadong]

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

[bananadong]

A gent was on nude beach. Out of manners and to prevent sunburn, he kept his hat over his privates. A woman walked past sniggering and said "If you were gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He replied "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".

[bananadong]

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

[bananadong]

If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world from COVID, which country would you choose and why France.

[bananadong]

A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination he asks him if he will be okay. "I'm afraid not" says the doc "Mercury is in Uranus". "What? I don't agree with that astrology rubbish!" "Me neither. My thermometer just broke".

[bananadong]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".

[bananadong]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.

He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.

But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[bananadong]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day...

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita". Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?" Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax sluts... it hasn't opened yet!"

[bananadong]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you cunts who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you cunts who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".

She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are fucked off about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen".

[Dirty Harry]

How to have a baby !

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in'

"Mother,where do babies come from ?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,"Well dear,Mommy and Daddy fall in
love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom,they kiss and hug and have
sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,"That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby,honey." The child seems to
comprehend.

"Oh,I see,but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in
your mouth. What do you get when you do that ?"

Jewelry,my dear. Jewelry

(last one I have)

[bananadong]

I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said "Two girls are fighting over me". "Okay..." she paused. "Well, what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning".

[bananadong]

Two boys are in the woods They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave, man!? That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "Well, my mum said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

[bananadong]

The missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

[bananadong]

Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies "Yes, I have. He's watching the footy... who shall I say is calling?"

[bananadong]

My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going". I said to her "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

[bananadong]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.

[bananadong]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed". "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion".

[bananadong]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says "Fuck! that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman walks to her seat fuming and sits down. She says to the man sitting next to her. "That bus driver just insulted me". He says "You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on, I'll hold your monkey".

[bananadong]

A group of kids on street were calling their friend m0nde through his window. "Johnny, come out to play!" "I can't, I'm sick". Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked. I'm fucking my sister" said Johnny.

[bananadong]

Two lawyers, Jon and Fred, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Fred a $50 bet. Fred agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Fred is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four-shot penalty, Fred secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together" Jon says "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[bananadong]

Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".

[bananadong]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations.

So He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

"Fine" God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[bananadong]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.

"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife, we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder". "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".

"Join the club" says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask". I found a crate of milk under the bed".

"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"

The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".

[bananadong]

A turtle and a frog were sitting on a log on the far side of the pond.

The turtle turned to the frog and said "I'll bet you I can beat you to the other side of the pond!" The frog, always bragging about how fast he was, exclaimed "No way! Not with THESE legs! I can swim TWICE as fast as you can!" "Okay, I'll bet you 3 flies I can beat you to the other side" the turtle said wryly. "You're on!" the frog said, as he jumped into the water.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" the turtle yelled loudly. And with that, the turtle dove deep into the water, swimming in a slow and steady pace near the bottom of the pond.

The frog continued skimming along the surface at a frantic pace, far ahead of the turtle, until he had almost reached the other shore.

Right when he was about to hop out of the water, a nearby alligator snapped him up in the middle of his jaws, with the frog still hanging partially out of his mouth.

A few moments later, the turtle calmly got out of the water and onto the shore, dried himself off, looked at the alligator straight in the eye and said "See? I TOLD you I could get you frog legs for dinner!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled "I have a .45 Colt with an eight-shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!"

[bananadong]

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me "Where the fuck did you get her from, son?! She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied "There's no need to whisper, dad. She's deaf as well".

[bananadong]

Got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than our dog. I can fuck it up the arse when the wife's at work and she'll never notice it's walking funny!

[bananadong]

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said "The cat just died". She burst into tears and said "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!? Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof!" he replied.

[bananadong]

I ran my fingers through her long dark curly hair... but she didn't like being tickled under her armpit

[bananadong]

"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year. "He's a magician" said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?" "Sawing people in half". "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters".

[bananadong]

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid cyclist, bouncing off your windscreen?

[bananadong]

Stopped at a service station earlier. Picked up a KitKat, a bottle of water and a sausage roll. As I approached the checkout, I mentioned to the girl at the till I only had a $50 note. "No problem" she said "Put the sausage roll back".

[bananadong]

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them screamed "It's Wales you idiot!" So, I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?" That's all I remember.

[bananadong]

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know, son?" "Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

[bananadong]

One day a man called the church office and said "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Father,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 in my will to the church building fund..." To this, the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

[bananadong]

Two friends, Sam and Terry, are spending the day together. As they are walking home down an empty street, they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets. As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry. "Here's the 20 I owe you".

[bananadong]

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says "We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years". "I'll take the lawyer's heart" says the patient. "Why?" asks the doctor. The patient replies "It's never been used".

[bananadong]

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[bananadong]

My gorgeous next-door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?" I said "Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red". After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" She said "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous".

[bananadong]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a fuckin job, she's not for him.

[bananadong]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[bananadong]

After a few years of marriage my wife said to me "Why don't you treat me like you used to do before we were married, when we were just going out together?" So the very next night I took her to the cinema, then on to a smart restaurant for a great meal and then I dropped her off at her parents!

[bananadong]

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[bananadong]

My dad wanted to be buried in a blue suit. When I got to the undertakers, he was wearing a green suit. I told him he had it wrong and my Father is to be buried in a blue suit. He apologised and asked me to come back in an hour. I got back and my father was laying there peacefully in a crisp blue suit. I said "That's amazing, who was the tailor who did it?" The undertaker said "I didn't use a tailor. I did it myself". I said "I can't thank you enough, how did you get a blue suit so quick? He said "You see the guy in the coffin over there? He had a blue suit on. So I swapped the heads".

[bananadong]

A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

[bananadong]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court" he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

[bananadong]

A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says "You need to stop masturbating!" "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "Because I am trying to examine you!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were down and out on their luck. The bills were piling up, they were past-due on the rent, and the fridge was empty. One night, over (what should have been) dinner, he said to her "Honey, I love you and our marriage is strong. I think the only way out of this mess is for you to start, well, selling yourself". She reluctantly agreed, so the next night, she took her "station" on the corner. Shortly after 2am, she came home, thoroughly exhausted. He said "Well... how much did you make tonight?" Beaming, she said "I made $101! I can stretch that to buy us food for a week!" "A hundred dollars... plus one?" he said, flustered. "Who's the bum who gave you the dollar?" She said "They ALL did!"

[bananadong]

A young bloke goes for a job at sea. The captain asks "Have you any experience away at sea?" "No" the lad replies "but I'm honest!" The captain decides to take him on and they soon set sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the young bloke overboard. The first mate runs to the captain "Captain, captain, you know the young bloke we took on? The one who said he was honest? Well, the little bastard just fucked off with your mop!"

[bananadong]

I don't understand the point of lap dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

[bananadong]

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate". The wife says "I'll have a vanilla". Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want, fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there, that's my truck! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You've seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!"

[bananadong]

A dance teacher who had sex with two of his 15-year-old female pupils has been jailed for 4 years. I think that's unbelievable. A straight dance teacher?

[bananadong]

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "And that's not the drink talking either".

[bananadong]

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car" his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea".
"So what did he end up with?" "Ten years in prison".

[bananadong]

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city. When they see a house with the sign: "World's Prettiest Woman Contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign: "World's Strongest Man Contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in his hand and smiling. They keep walking when they see a house with a sign: "World's Greatest Liar Contest". Pinocchio goes in and comes out all beaten and a tear in his eye: "Who the fuck is Donald Trump?"

[bananadong]

I finally convinced my friend to get a COVID vaccination, but he doesn't want Moderna. He says "Just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80's don't mean she knows how to make a vaccine!".

[bananadong]

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?" The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free". The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied "That was where they were holding the auction".

[bananadong]

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest!"

"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth!"

"So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger".

[bananadong]

It's 1945 and Hitler, having just killed himself, is standing in line at The Pearly Gates. There being a higher than usual number of dead at the time, the line is quite long and Hitler is getting rather impatient.

Finally, he gets to the front of the queue and meets Saint Peter. "Name?" asks Saint Peter. "Adolf Hitler" replies Hitler. "Wait a minute" says Saint Peter "Not THE Adolf Hitler?" "Yes" replies Hitler. "As in the Fuhrer?" asks Saint Peter. "Yep, that's me" answers Hitler. "Oh, no" says Saint Peter "You caused the deaths of millions of people, it's straight to Hell for you!"

Hitler, upset that he can't get in Heaven, demands to speak to Saint Peter's manager. "Alright" says Saint Peter "but he's just going to tell you the same thing I did". So, Saint Peter picks up the phone and calls for his supervisor.

A few minutes later Jesus appears. "Everything okay, Pete?" asks Jesus "What's the problem?" "Well" says Saint Peter "It's Hitler here, he wants to be let into Heaven". "Hitler? Heaven?" asks Jesus "Not a chance. No, it's straight to Hell for him". "But Jesus" interjects Hitler "If you let me into Heaven, I'll award you the Iron Cross". "Iron Cross, eh?" says Jesus "I have always wanted one of those. Tell you what, I'll go ask the boss".

So, Jesus goes to see God. "Dad, dad?" says Jesus "Hitler's at the Pearly Gates, he wants to be let into Heaven". " Hitler?" asks God "Are you mad, son? We can't let Hitler into Heaven". "But, dad" protests Jesus "he says if I let him in, he'll give me the Iron cross. "Iron cross?" asks God "What the hell do you want an iron cross for, you couldn't even carry the bloody wooden one".

[bananadong]

A guy driving his pick-up truck towing a horse trailer, along the highway by the Pine Ridge, Reservation, in South Dakota, sees an elderly Lakota man on the side of the road. He stops his truck and asks the old man "Grandfather, would you like a ride into town?" The elderly Lakota man said "Yes, thank you, I would". So he gets in the truck, and down the road they go. After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, the elderly Lakota man asks "Do you have anything in the trailer?" The guy says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do". "I just got a new horse for my wife". The elderly Lakota man, chuckled and said "Good trade".

[bananadong]

There were four Catholic women drinking coffee and having a discussion about their sons. The first woman says "My son is a priest, and people come up to him and say 'Hello Father'". The second woman says "Well my son is an Archbishop, people come up to him and say 'Hello, Your Grace'". The third woman says "Well my son is a Cardinal, they come up to him, kiss his ring and say 'Hello, Your Eminence". The fourth woman takes another sip of her coffee and says "Well my son is a male stripper. He's 6-foot tall, has blonde hair and blue eyes and when women see him, they say 'OH MY GOD!!'"

[bananadong]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in moments they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.

[bananadong]

A bunch of typical Aussie guys is sitting around a BBQ having a few beers. There is a dog that happens to be in the middle of the men and it is licking its balls. One of the men is looking and says wistfully "Jeez, I wish I could do that". The owner of the dog thinks for a few seconds then says "Ah... you better give it a pat first".

[bananadong]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[bananadong]

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest". 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied "Too much trouble, sarge".