[not a joke or a gimmick] rare video of the first time jon and cag met
and it was in DayZ lmao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkFeTBd6i3I
and yes that's a 10 hour long DayZ video what of it, since you won't even be reading this text I'll just point out the moment where jon and cag first ever spoke to each other, now keep in mind this is not a joke or a gimmick, just after cag joins and complains of her cat eating her headset and not being able to buy a new one jon recommends "maybe some of those stripper dollars?", now, really keep in your mind as you read this that this is real and not made up, at, literally, and unironically, the timecode 06:06:06 into this video jons future wife replies to him in their first ever exchange of communication in this life with [glow=black]"oh my god I'm an unemployed sex worker you guys" [/glow]http://i.imgur.com/PGabphw.jpgthis is literally the first time they spoke I dont think they even talked to each other on the forums before because jon told me the first time he talked to her was after teknorat posted the video of her fingerpainting a baneposting meme with her own period blood and jon wanted to see if she was ok, keep in mind none of what you just didn't read was a joke or a gimmick
now that you've stopped reading since you never started this is pretty much the perfect DayZ video since it's unironically 10 hours straight of us sitting in a bush but its worth it since we got our highest killcount at fucking 29 and without anyone dying until the end and 5 people at once is the most we ever got playing together and it includes such classic DayZ tropes as exploiting ammo out of thin air, me getting bored and literally browsing 4chan (for which I had to learn how to add censor blurs to my video so I don't get arrested for uploading cp), a hacker showing up and killing us all, opens with me being paralyzed and having to join another server since the game was, is and always shall be dogshit, has some pretty classic banter such as teknorat literally quoting the art of war to me as he reads it in the book in the game (the art of war is of vital importance to the state, kek), discussing the gay agenda and why nolan movies are so bad and you can see all the extremely pro things we've learned and put into practice like putting together the most efficient gear, the best rifle, spare weapons, only wearing the best camouflage, using tree cover and defilading whenever we move, calling contact on where enemies are, having a designated point man to follow, communicating where we're going and what we're doing at all times and clearing buildings in sync literally more pro than real world american soldiers who are constantly shooting each other by accident and it's also a good record of all the autistic terminology we'd built up for the different kind of buildings like big tin shed and janitors closet ect anyway @ 00:45:49 jon joins us and the first thing he says is BEAT CHILDREN BEAT CHILDREN since the last conversation we had was jon telling us that his parents used to beat him with a paddle with his name on it which was perfectly fine and normal and not weird or apart of BDSM play but thankfully he married cag who's so obviously unfit to be a mother even someone that fucked up can see it so he can just beat her instead of innocent children although in his defense maybe your parents bringing you into their sex games is a good thing for you since he'd been playing DayZ for like half a year and hadn't died ONCE and I don't think he EVER died for the entire time we played for like a year straight since his play style was just to sit ontop of one hill and snipe people once every 2 weeks and me and tek would go server hopping him and bring him all the gear he needed lmao
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...z.jpg~original
and @ 1:15:47 we get kill #1 and kill #2 in quick succession where using extreme room clearing SWAT tactics I murder an unarmed fuckgirl in the orange house and a cheeky cunt with an SKS tries to sneek up on us but unfortunately for him we have a sniper overwatching our position at all times so tek's ready for him when he looks in the front door then @ 1:24:50 tek gets kill #3 from a fuckboy running down the road and is amazed his bullets are actually landing where he aims them for once and I realize we dont have to deadcheck people anders brievik style by shooting them in the head anymore since they added a new ragdoll effect that makes it obvious people have died and are not just passed out especially when they have items on their back that go flying off everywhere and create this horrible effect where the loot prompt is in the center of where all the different objects triangulate to and not just on the body bravo rocket and then another 10 minutes later @ 01:38:22 we find a fuckboy boxing a zombie on the beach and we tell him we'll spare whoever wins but he gets triggered and tries to box us so tek has to put him down for kill #4 and then @ 02:00:00 in there a very lucky wee fuckboy running down the road into town that I didnt notice at the time since I was too busy sorting out my gear, or "jewing", as the military slang goes, and I dont think he was one of kill #5 or kill #6 we get next @ 02:02:18 where we hear someone running around smacking someone else with an axe and jon pins down the victim with sniper fire while me and tek chase down the aggressor until he has to unload on him to make him stop coming at him with the axe and then I find the guy who probably thought he was well lucky escaping an axe wielding psycho and a sniper until I find him bandaging in a shed and blow his brains out then we start to discuss if gays are inherently degenerate pieces of shit who need to be exterminated or have just ended up that way until a fuckboy interrupts us by committing suicide off of a water tank and I was arguing that gay people tend to be fucked up because the society they live in doesn't accept them which is a wee bit of an SJW argument and teknorat is saying they are just naturally weird and cant escape from it and I've given it more thought since like over 2 years ago when this was recorded and have come up with an idea that is somehow both misogynistic and misandrist where theres nothing specifically bad with homosexuals it's just that they're the worst parts of both male and female sexuality since gay men are usually quite promiscuity simply because that's what most men act like when their partners allow them too lmao if women never turned down men straight men would be fucking 200 people and getting massive STD rates too and lesbians tend to comfort eat so bad they get obese, have a dead sex life, be emotionally unstable and literally domestic abuse each other worse than any other group of people because that's just what most women would act like if they didn't have a man to stay attractive for, be the sexual initiator, be the more stoic partner to support them emotionally and who could beat the shit out of them if they got violent perhaps both genders are so terrible in general they need each other to balance each other out which is probably also why the main complaint of single men are they just want to get laid and literally go mental about being a virgin and the main complaint of single women is they're lonely and need emotional comfort and literally go mental and stock up on cats so what I'm saying is just exterminate all gays and straights and single people anyway @ 02:36:50 jon leads us (poorly) towards kill #7 who was hiding in a little shack with a fire extinguisher on his back providing a huge goofy target and then @ 02:43:51 we chase kill #8 all the way to a petrol station where he stops and waves to us in surrender and tek tries to kill him with the petrol pumps explosion but the bullets all hit the guy and kill him so he keeps firing to blow it up anyway lmao then @ 02:58:19 we run in on a kill #9 in the big tin shed and when he sees us HE SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and then says oh sorry I overreacted as tek very slowly shoots around him trying to get his head rofl then @ 03:05:33 we find a newspawn on the beach seemingly doing push-ups that jon snipes for kill #10 then after a steady stream of fuckboys every 10 minutes or so it dries up so @ 03:09:50 WE TALK ABOUT GUNS FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT and about how it's ok to murder cops and then it starts heating up again at @ 04:03:04 tek kills a literal african american man in real life for kill #11
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...m.jpg~original
then @ 04:08:37 tek kills a complete fuckboy fiddling to get into a house for kill #12 and then @ 04:30:30 onwards we talk about how evil the eternal jew is then @ 04:58:12 kill #13 is an unarmed woman who gets shot in the face by tek for looking gay which of course doesnt do anything and I have to unload on her then @ 05:02:37 jon gets kill #14 shooting a guy walking up behind him he didnt even know was a human and thought was a zombie lmao @ 05:15:09 we chase kill #15 down the road and when jon takes a shot at him he starts yelling at us and runs into a werehouse and tek holds him at gunpoint asking his name and he says trevor or something we cant even make it out so tek just says nice glasses faggot and shoots him between them and they flutter off of him like a leaf and @ 15:16:16 you will note my extremely pro picture in picture editing where you can see footage from jon's end of a zombie jumping over him up on his sniper mountain what a realistic game then @ 05:23:40 literally jons friend from work irl called mark joins the game who seems like a pretty cool guy and I made sure to verify that he wasn't black in real life before I started saying nigger every two seconds to not offend him since I'm so nice but as if to greet him to the game @ 05:30:00 a gunshot rings out and teknorat starts having a tizzy about being hit and jon tries to take a shot down through the trees through someone running the woods above us and I know not to even move since I'll just get shot by my own team or by a hacker so I just hug the wall of the quarry by my camping spot for cover and then the server immediately drops as if it was the guy who owns the server turning it off or something and when tek logs into an empty server to check his stats he finds that none of those shots even counted because the server didnt have time to save or whatever lmao and when we get back on the server mark finds us and we show him how to sit in a bush like a pro and everything is going well until @ 06:05:40 when cag arrives and meets her husband for the first time and immediately starts hinting that she needs money but @ 06:17:33 someone starts shooting at me and mark and I just leg it and aim my gun at mark since he isnt pro enough to know to always have a black woman skin in video games so that you have a smaller profile and natural camouflage and went as teknorats wife and when I look back from where mark came from I think I see a guy laying down to aim at us but I think it was just a tree branch lmao and mark fires at him but the game doesnt even display any sounds of it happening good game and we literally hide behind trees for 5 minutes as cag sings elton john songs like a retard until teknorat gets back to save us (by telling cag to shut up) and him and I manage to run back and fourth along the tree line until jon spots him @ 06:23:38 and opens fire on him and he runs into the treeline and theres a fubungle where me and tek both unload into a bush and he somehow gets across the treeline with me unloading at him to zero effect until teknorat manages to let off a burst but that only puts him on the ground so I just start plugging him in the torso over and over again for kill #16 but then we realize the dude only had a crossbow so it wasnt even him shooting at us and then @ 06:26:40 a fuckboy interrupts our deadly serious debriefing and me and tek both unload on him for like 20 seconds since he's running around in circles making it excruciatingly difficult to kill for kill #17 and then @ 06:29:42 pretty much the exact same thing happens in the same place as a guy with a pickaxe searches that guys body for kill #18 as he screams WOAH WOAH WOAH NO NO NO! its always satisfying to make a fuckboy squeal and then we have to do the epic mystery solving mini-game you gotta do for girl gamers since females have no sense of spacial awareness to find where they are they have to send you a screenshot of where they are and you figure it out and @ 06:49:05 jon spots a zombie running after someone through town and tek calls him an FB I think in case the term fuckboy offends mark lmao since we're such nice and polite friends and tek blows him away in a very artful camera shot I took from the outside where teknorat is framed in one window and kill #19 is framed in the window next to it like comic book panels
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...p.jpg~original
and then cag starts whining about not being able to open a can of beans and tek tells her to JUST HIT YOUR CHIN AGAINST IT AND IT SHOULD POP RIGHT OPEN lllmmmaaaooo and then cag drones on and on for several minutes as I use a leet exploit to dupe supplies and theres a funny bit where I get irritable because I'm concentrating so hard on filling up every container I have with duped magazines but still have space to carry them like some exploiting puzzle game and we have to actually stop and tell mark shes a stripper to explain all these jokes we're making it's not that we're misogynist or anything we just hate this specific woman and @ 07:05:25 she goes did you guys hear what camoron texted me? and we dont reply for 15 seconds and she says oh I guess my mic isnt working and tek says OH NO WE HEARD YOU WE JUST DONT CARE l m a o and @ 07:09:18 she admits duuude ok, I dated an old really really ugly guy for money once hmm sounds like wife material and then she loads into our server and a guy immediately beats her to death and teknorat goes thats ok what happened there was you triggered him and reminded him of his mother so he punched you in the face, try not to trigger any angry men and cag goes that happens to me in real life all the time man I'm sick of it happening the fucking game definitely wife material especially considering every few minutes she starts going "oh man a text from ANOTHER guy?" then @ 07:22:39 we try to feed a fuckboy to mark but he immediately starts trying to punch tek who unloads his entire 60 round mag on him for kill #20 because he got triggered because the fuckboy was playing the model with rockets face on it lmao then teknorat has to stop playing to go get karate chopped by his wife and then jon calls out a contact running into town @ 07:42:43 and I chase after him going through the woods on jons side of the hill and I drop him for kill #21 I was going to get mark to kill him but zombies were buzzing around me and I couldnt be doin with that and then @ 07:46:10 I spot a wee fuckboy on the beach but we realize it's cag and I of course have to bandage her since girls are not good at games and of course she fubungles her character and gets all these different states stuck on that we have to get sorted before leading her to the water pump and @ 07:49:38 you will see my patented picture in picture technique again of jon saving cag from a zombie very romantic and I guess teks wife spared him the judo throws that night so he came back but in classic DayZ style gets elaborate error messages that broadcast to the entire server and jon needs covering at the water pump so I just sit cag down next to mark and tek tries to set up cag with mark but fortunately for him he says hes already seeing someone so in another world they could very well be married now instead and when tek logs back in he invites jon down so we can take a group photo of us holding cag at gunpoint before we gangbang her
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...t.jpg~original
and then we try to get cag sorted with some sort of gear and after teknorat almost loses his shit and is like IF MY WIFE WASNT HERE DO YOU KNOW HOW LOUD I'D BE YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW? jon is like IT JUST TOOK FIVE MINUTES TO TEACH A STRIPPER TO TAKE HER PANTS OFF lmao and we all agree that if this was real life and we were in the zombie apcolypse we'd all be raping cag and tek gets angrier and angrier at cag until he starts threatening to shoot her in the head I wish he would have at some point later since then we would have gotten 30 kills then @ 08:13:00 it starts heating up again when we take cag to the pump and I notice literally like one white pixel out of place on a hillside 300 meters away and when I point it out to tek we both look at it and a human figure stands up and you can see the picture in picture of jon aiming down at him and thankfully the guy tries to be a cheeky wee cunt and give us the slip by turning around and running back to town when jon drops the fucker in one shot as he's running at full tilt while leading the shot by like three feet for kill #22 and then @ 08:15:07 I hear another male's voice in the area so I think fast and say CAG! SPEAK! and she actually hears, listens, understands and does it which is amazing and shes like hello? and teknorat hears a little bitch boy beta orbiter go hi? hello I'm here! in an obviously sweet voice which leads him right to him to blow him away for kill #23 laugh my motherfucking ass off holy shit men are stupid this is what we call a honeypot trap in the operator community and theres a bit where tek puts down a flare that we called FADs (Fuckboy Attraction Device) since fucking idiot casuals would go towards them and try to pick them up for us to easily snipe and tells jon if "charlie alpha golf" goes near it shoot them which is funny since he says it right in front of cag with full confidence that she wont understand what hes saying lmao and then @ 08:29:57 jon spots a fuckboy running towards cag who we tell to start talking to him and when me, tek and mark arrive we hear this mumbling fag voice going "dont... shoot..." and he puts up his hands and tek says "right, now, see this girl over here? we want you to rape her or we're going to kill you" and hes like "wait what?" and cags like "run away right now!" trying to save him (and herself from getting raped (again)) and tek starts saying "rape that girl or I'll kill you" over and over again and he just starts mumbling "oh no" so tek drops him for kill #24 and cags like "no! NO! NOOOOO!" lmao and teks like what he was going to rape you and I'm like we needed to save your purity and everyone laughs and cags like you guys are mean! then we all go to the pump and I make fun of jon for eating when he should be covering us and I'm like RARE FOOTAGE OF AN AMERICAN EATING WHILE HE SHOULD BE DOING WORK
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...5.jpg~original
and then we bring cag back to the bush and we try to explain the health system to her when she gets up mid sentence to get a drink and tek starts going "I could do it... I could do it and no one would even care" while holding his gun against her head lmao and @ 08:42:20 jon spots a fuckboy running across the fields into town with his scope and the three lads fall out to find him and tek is apprehensive of cag coming but I just tell her to run around town with the mic button held down yelling hi is anyone there lmao since I am well aware of what kind of losers play this game and as we run after him just barely losing him cag starts going HELLO IM ALONE AND IM REALLY HORNY ILL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND and jon spots him literally making a b-line towards cag yelling HELLO?! and when I catch up to him I tell him we've got a girl for him to meet and he gets scared by zombies and starts running around screaming scared lmao but we bring cag over to calm him down and they stand face to face and cags like CAN I SUCK YOUR DICK? and jon immediately blows his brains out from half a mile away lmmfao
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...d.jpg~original
and thats kill #25 then @ 08:50:06 mark actually calls contact at the greenhouse since hes got a y chromosome so can learn a new system right away so we chase after him and find hes mic spamming music as he runs down the road lmao and we see another contact with an axe checking our last kills dead body and tek blasts at him but he escapes so I tell him I'll get him and run after and drop him for kill #26 and tek starts telling the DJ theres a girl we want him to meet and manages to bring him over to cag and we get her to say hi and wave to him and he waves back and then try and get her to punch him but the dumb bitch has a cemlight in her hand so it doesnt count so tek goes behind him and blows him the fuck away for kill #27 and he keeps firing trying to kill cag too but theres an invisible wall cast above the dead guy for a second after he dies I didnt even know that happened I thought it only happened with zombies which is even a forcefield too and will push you down hills if its a body falling towards you and after getting cag to pick up a lit roadflare in her hand we take her back to the bush but then in classic DayZ fashion @ 08:54:24 we're all laughing about sending cag to stand behind jon with the flare when I see a flash on teknorats hip as he goes to the tree line and he drops dead instantly and he starts saying I'm dead over and over again which is good in case we didnt see and marks like oh shit as bullets start flying all around us and my years of walking sim training kick in as I start doing my zig zags while running towards the treeline and I turn to see mark falling dead just next to a tree with his shit flying off so I yell HACKERS!!! LOG OFF JON RIGHT NOW!!!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...f.jpg~original
in case he teleports up to him or curves the bullet 270 degrees to kill him and gets his 8 month old character and I get hit and almost exactly at my usual camping spot I see a human figure and I zoom in and give it a burst and then bring the iron sights up and give it a big dump of ammo and I advance up around the tree to find him knocked out so I put two in his head for kill #28 eat shit you faggot hacker literally like some saving private ryan shit where we're all having a laugh and then two guys suddenly drop dead in front of me and then probably the worst fiddle fubungling in my entire life happens next where tek starts telling me to get his M4 but when I turn around there's a fuckboy by the janitors closet and I ask for help from anyone but jons already logged out and so did cag they both survived to live happily ever after in marital bliss and of course the bandage wont work for no reason and then I have to find the magic spot on teks body to find his m4 from the new dogshit ragdoll thing that sends items flying away so the prompt isnt on his body and when I bandage from within the menu a zombie starts coming towards me and I only juuuust manage to hit it before my AK flies onto my back without my permission from the other attempts at bringing out a bandage catching up and during all this 4 people are talking over each other and tek is trying to tell me about fucking ebola coming to the UK and I manage to realize from marks AK that the prompt for the gun is now on the gun model itself so I throw my AK away and pick up teks M4 and put it on my back but the dogshit game wont let me pick up marks AK into my hands now so I gotta put the M4 on the ground put marks AK on my back and then take the M4 into my hands but that also doesnt work so I put the AK back on the ground pick up the M4 and then try to find the prompt for teks body to get his extra mags but now that I picked up the M4 the prompt has disappeared then @ 09:01:09 a fuckboy in a helmet and some suspicious objects on his back comes running out of the woods straight at me so I just hold down the trigger on the M4 at him and miss all 17 bullets as I hear a NIGGER voice droning "dooont... shoooot... meeee" so I just start yelling at him YOU FUCK RIGHT OFF FUCK RIGHT OFF and I pull the trigger on him running out of a bush with a baseball bat in his hand but the gun clicks empty because tek hadnt been topping up his mag like a n00b and he smacks me in the back with the bat and goes "you... mother... fucker..." so I just run away as he goes "get... some..." and I'd take out my handgun that I have for this very situation that teknorat always tells me I dont need but of course its gone AWOL from my hotbar and I cant just put it back there since it was hidden inside a high cap tac vest I was using for inventory space exploiting that I have to put down on the ground, take it and a mag out into my pants and pick the tac vest back up as tek gives lectures me on inapplicable methods to use and then I have to bandage again as this fuck probably tries his darnedest to pick one or both of the fucking AK47s with drum mags laying on the ground and I run back and literally breathe out to calm down like a real operator when I see a zombie running around but hes not even there so I shoot it and tek starts trying to tell me something funny but I'm like HANG ON IM IN THE SHIT IM IN THE SHIT since I'm looking for one of these AKs and see a fuckboy buzzing around behind corners and I search the courtyard and when I turn around I see it was a different guy and the first guy is back by the treeline with his bat and I start popping the handgun off at him and when he collapses I go right up to him and put the gun to his fuckboy motorcycle helmet and scream [glow=red]FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU!!![/glow] :die: as I put two in his head for kill #29
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...n.jpg~original
even though he'd already died as he was hitting the ground I was too extremely hyped up and mark laughs like wtfs wrong with these people and I'm seriously literally rustled as in severely stressed from all that and I still havnt managed to pick up the AKs or get more ammo for the M4 of course I can check the gear of this useless fuckboy with a baseball bat and an empty SKS probably from the hacker thank fuck he picked that up and not the AKs and I somehow managed to get an AK on my back and an M4 in my hands after jugling them about on the ground and I literally just cant take it anymore now that I have at least the rarest gun that we've been carrying between us for months and a rifle to use myself and I'm like CAN I JUST STOP PLAYING THE GAME MATE and teks like no you can never stop playing the game and mark laughs again like we're mentalists which we are and out of nowhere I somehow manage to glitch the m4 "up my arsehole" so it displays in my hands which usually only happens when you first load in with a rifle in your hands and on your back but then it drops down when you put something else in your hands but this time it let me carry the AK and I'm like "I just advanced to Neo level in the game and invented a new glitch that I needed out of thin air" that is how pro I am but its for nothing since I can't find the prompt on anything anymore so I just log out lmao and then I immediately start telling them what happened since I couldnt afford the brain power at the time and I sound emotionally exhausted like I'm going to cry lmao and then for the next 50 minutes I literally just sit in the menu screen waiting for either tek or mark to find their way back to that location but mark gives up and logs off and the server drops losing all the shit anyway so me and tek just meet up on a low pop server but even thats a challenge since when he goes to take a phonecall from his wife who's in the next fucking room to him the lazy gook bitch he almost gets killed by a zombie but I find him just in time and then we think of somewhere to trade, or "jew", in peace but I cant climb any ladders with an object in my hand and I just use him as a mule to load the rifles and all the good shit onto him to store since whenever we needed new loot to dupe I would go on a big autistic quest from our camping spot to the nearest military bases and server hop for hours on end while listening to podcasts thats why I have like 800 hours and tek only has like 400 since I spent half the game by myself exploiting for ammo lmao but all that is but a happy memory now since we have both been DayZ clean for 21 months now and you know what our spot to hide in the bushes got built over with a new factory building so we cant camp there anymore literally like when someones favorite park to play in as a kid got built over lmao rip my special bush we had some great times and you literally brought two lovers together in holy matrimony
