Possibly last life update, message to all my social media sites
I was very close to considering myself homeless today. I did the wrong thing, understood my feelings that I would never be welcome in this house, went out and tried to find a homeless shelter to stay at. The only places available were "stay one night and leave" types, and I think I ended up crying in front of 5 different people today. I walked miles in the rain, drenched in the perfect metaphor displaying all my guilt pouring down on top of me, from where I've always been to downtown Minneapolis and back again, my eyes in deep pain from all the desperate weeping.
I wish my family knew how much I appreciated everything they've done for me. I wish I wasn't so ill-tempered and could voice my concerns, but I end up being so uncomfortable because I always expect the worst to happen. I don't want to end up in the hospital, because I hate feeling like that's where I belong. The problem is, I don't know where I belong. I don't want to belong in the first place, and I would have decided to leave indefinitely had I not run into a good friend in the center of Minneapolis. For now I remain where I always have been: homeless, but not house-less. Regretful, yet not having the courage to say so.
Now is the time I leave the internet entirely. I don't like knowing that everyone I've known is living such happy lives without me in them, though I'm truly glad they are where they deserve to be. I only ask that you all try to forget me while I try to live my own life here, with a roof over my head but not a single place to hang my heart. Please forget all the morbid notes and the desperation in my messages to you. Ignore the love notes I've kept hidden from you in school and how much I miss you. You have all been very wonderful to me, and I am very thankful for it all, yet I deserve absolutely none of it. You need to be happy with the people that matter, of which I do not categorize myself with. My place is tutoring for $4/hour and nowhere else.
