Dear Rose West

I’m scared because I don’t know what it means to be alone. I don’t know what it means to be without my best friend, who I’ve been thinking about dearly on a daily basis, and waiting to see so that I could love her and be with her. I don’t know what it means when you like me enough to speak to me but love him even more. I want to cry a little when I realize that you have wonderful evenings with him, cooking and watching TED talks and then going out with your friends. I wish I could be a part of your life. I wish I could do everything I dreamt about doing with my dream girl.
I want to be a part of your life. I don’t want to have to wonder why it is that you don’t connect with me. You used to – how is it possible that we’re not getting along like we used to? What is it, something that we did? Or did we just change? Who got tired of whom? I don’t want you to leave my life. And you’re not. But look, I’m still in love with you, girl. I want to be your friend, but I don’t know how to get over you like that. You seem to have been over me since a little while after we said our last I-love-you’s to each other – at least mutually, because I could never stop telling you that I loved you for who you were.
Perhaps I’m just attached and not really in love. Perhaps I want someone a little better than you were, at least in how you treated me. Don’t get me wrong, you treated me fine. I love you, and I love the fact that you were always completely honest with me and tried your best while we were seeing each other and talking to each other on a regular basis to be a sweetheart. But you never let me get close to you, once you decided that you didn’t want me to be your boyfriend. You never let me back in all the way, and you never really wanted to open up to me. Maybe I didn’t ask you enough, but after awhile it was difficult feeling like I needed to provide all the energy for what I wanted to be our relationship. I wanted you to meet me halfway, and it’s okay that you didn’t. I’m just a little upset, because I still have that as my ideal. It’s not directed at you. It’s not even directed at me, really. I just wanted a little more before you let go, because now I’m not sure if you’d ever come back, even if I knew that I really wanted you to.
I don’t want to get over you, but I know I need to. It’s unhealthy, and it makes it difficult for us to relate on a normal level. Everyone says I should just move on and stop talking to you. I can’t do that. You’re like my little sister and you (used to be and) are still one of my best friends. I don’t want to let go, especially when you’re fine with things the way that they are. You’ve always been my friend; I’ve been the one that’s been in love with you. I know it’s tough to deal with me, and I’m sorry. I’m focusing back on myself, trying to make my life into something for my own sake.
I’m getting over you, and eventually I will be. But some days, I just feel like I’ll miss you forever.
I love you.