Update on me and Madeline
I'm up with the shakes at 1am eating some cereal and I figured I'd post an update before I go pump since I'm behind anyway.
As for the c section, 10/10 would do it again. Probably will do it again. Once I put on normal person clothes again I'll be able to post a body before and after but that probably won't be until Thursday. If you have any questions about the c section, just let me know! I have no regrets about choosing it.
Now for the info we've all been waiting for! Things are looking up for Madeline. It breaks my heart to see her over video calling with all the IVs and things stuck all over her. She's got needles in both arms, both legs, a port to her heart, her belly button, and her head. Then she's got a few non invasive monitors on her little tummy and her foot. Yesterday morning we started with the doctor believing we'll need to amputate her hand, and by the afternoon he thought that it could be salvageable. Apparently it's already healing and looking better, and they have made sure she has full nerve function and everything in the hand. There's a lot that I don't know since husband is being super dad over there right now and only can manage to get big updates to me, but I trust him and I'm not worried about them.
We have been told that we should expect at least a month in NICU. Right now they're running some tests to try to find out what caused this issue. They also found a very very small issue in her frontal lobe with a blood vessel(nurse says that it's something that won't affect her at all, and we'd have never known she had an issue had they not been checking her brain), so they're testing her for some vascular disorders. I know she's in extremely capable hands.
Doing all of this without my husband and daughter has been... Hard, to say the least. I've kept a pretty upbeat demeanor (because I'm just a generally upbeat person) and I've been accepting visitors constantly to keep me occupied to make the days go by faster. In the quiet of night, though, it's hard not to break down. I can't help but feel like I'm not even a mom yet. I've held my baby for less than 2 hours total since she's been here. She's hooked up to all these machines half an hour away and I'm terrified that she's going to be permanently affected because no one can even hold her. All I can do is sit here and pump until I'm well enough to be discharged. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize her or her cry in a line up because I haven't been around her enough and that kills me. My husband is so exhausted so we haven't even been able to talk really at all... I'm so proud of him. Hopefully he's able to rest well tonight so that he can be ready to face tomorrow. He hasn't left her since she arrived because she needs at least one of us, and it can't be me.
