I don't even know how I ended up in this forum.
I have nowhere to go.
My family abused me.
The only person in my life was someone who picked me up off the street battered and bruised and in shock and they turned out to be a ice junky who was using me for what he could. These are not things I want in my life.
I tried really hard to do something worthwhile. In spite of all the shit, not even having a home through highschool and never finishing I went and got myself two degrees when I was 21 and sat an entry exam and was lucky enough to be smart enough yto blitz it in, and that's about the only time in my life where having brain gave me a lift up, I wanted to teach and help children get through school because I never did and spent years before university living in what was hell, a violent man putting me in hospital because frankly I didn't know any better... and I did teach for a couple of years but I've seen too much shit there that I can't deal with and it only took a couple of kicks of the stool out from under me and I just can't... I just can't, I am not emotionally equipped to do that anymore. I got other jobs that wouldn't be as stressfull but when I lost those things just got worse and worse. Now I'm in a situation where junkies pick me up off the street when I'm bashed on xmas day because I'm even more pathetic than them. I've got nothing, nothing anymore and all I can worry about is what will happen to my cat. I'm not on a pension and I am struggling a lot, there is no safety net for me anymore, no family, no-one who cares... just mounting debts of bills that I can barely even pay anymore. I can't understand people at all... I can't understand why they do these horrible things to each other.... an ice junky actually looked good to me because he was the kindest person I had actually met in a really long time.
I don't spend my money on pot... I wish I could like I used to when I had money... it made things seem better. I wish there was somewhere I could take my cat so I knew she would be spoilt and looked after and I could just go quitely die. I had stopped breathing after my brother bashed me and I wish I had just been left to die.... it was easy to die at that point but people had to bring me back just so I could suffer more shit.. why? Why is everything like this? What the fuck kind of place is this and what the fuck kind of people are some of you. Some of you here aren't bad people at all but I just can't stand these pieces of shit, Ic an't stand them here and I can't stand them in the world anymore and I don't think I can fight any of them anymore. There is no help for what I'm going through but I honestly just don't think I lay here and take it anymore.... I just want to die but what will happen to my cat? My cat is the only good and pure thing in my life.
It's obviously true, I have obviously lost my mind but I don't even want my mind back in a world like this, if sane and doing well is doing to people what has been done to me and what I've seen others do even to children then I don't want to be sane, I don't even want to exist in way where I am aware of anything anymore.
What the fuck is this place and what the fuck kind of people are SOME of you? Am I supossed to abuse people, lie, use people to have a good life? Because I don't even want a life anymore. There is literally nothing more I have to offer or give and I can't live in a world like this anymore, I want out. Something bad is going to happen again... I know this feeling... something bad is going to happen... I hope I get to die this time and to the shit people I hope you burn on earth and to the good people, I wish you could be spared the abhorrent things that go on in this world but I at least hope you have comfort and some measure of happiness and I hope you are surrounded by other good people.
