Generic Ruby DayZ Videos Thread #14: The M249 Saga Special Edition
thanks jon for bumping my last thread since I was getting ready to spend 10 years to legally get a gun in scotland so I could put it in a device aimed at my head and hooked up to dayz that would trigger it when I died in the game so this awful game could finally just kill me if I had gotten literal 0 replies fuck you stomple for not replying to the thread about you you fucking cunt how could you betray to me I'm going to snap your fucking neck irl I think these threads are officially a mistake since even teknorat doesnt read them anymore and I missed a week writing the stomple one and no one noticed at all lmao but I'm not gonna stop since it'll just bother me for years I have these shitty videos unpublished and I know I'll do it all over again since I have more footage to edit of shitty games but I'll try to take marks advice and actually edit something approaching funny videos that only have funny things in them and try to lose this idea that I'm making some sort of fucking documentary on how horrible it is to play DayZ since that really is what I've done for some reason I felt the need to chronicle absolutely everything I guess because I know it's mostly for my own entertainment and everyone else can fuck off but then whats the point of even uploading them then and I should try and do that with these threads if literally no ones reading them I dont need to do a blow by blow but I literally cant stop myself so what I'm gonna do to get this train wreck over with fast enough is just roll the next three threads into one since they're not that long on their own and put together are only a bit longer than next weeks and shorter than the week after that and literally nothing funny happens in them at all I just wander around in the dark with teknorat and then barry gives me a ride on his dick I mean bike to where I get an m249 and then I spend a week trying to get a kill with it I mean uh i-it's really funny watch em
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBncACyQGmY
after loading in where I left two days ago after stomple deleted his game and tried to kill himself irl I find a shit load of dead guys probably killed by this woman who runs up and kills me and of course I couldnt do anything about it since I was laying down in a doorway and had to do advanced fiddling maneuvers just to turn around never mind shoot her since we all know getting on the ground makes you a very inaccurate shot and theres a 50% chance your bullet will just be sucked into the ground a foot in front of you by the earths gravity and then something vaguely funny happens where after axe fiddling I manage to hit someone with an axe and then chase after them for literally a minute screaming abuse at him until he passes out from blood loss and then zombies swarm him and eat him alive and his character starts going WAAAH AAAAAAAARGH!! and he manages to crawl forwards one foot before they kill him and it actually credits me with the kill and then I try to kill his m8 but fall off some stairs and manage to destroy some benches but hes lagged out and I cant kill him oh god I cant stop narrating all of this aaaaaaa my autismmmmm and then some guy starts chasing me with an axe but gives up and I try to get him to chase me again to lure him towards tek but he literally just pulls out a gun and shoots at me lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf7B6e8Uoog
this video involves some actual teamwork for once since we're on a night time server so tek can use his nvgs he has and I call out two players and take one of them out and tek snipes her m8 when he legs it and then I have a nice wee run around with chem lights and flares trying to lure anyone out for tek to snipe but elektro is as dead as my replies so we decide to go over the cherno and impotently shoot at a jeep that drives past us on the way over but when we get over there I see a guy and a girl outside a house and it's Shuzo and KOR]didzl the two gayboys we killed in elektro and I try to shoot them several times but my dumb faggot character is too out of breath and I'm on this roof so its up to tek to breach the house in the middle of the night Zero Dark Thirty style and kill the two of them again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFqAaiMljIs
this video is a good example of why not to use a flashlight ever in dayz because its just a beacon saying please come fucking murder me but it does give us some fun gameplay where we have to dodge his light to sneak up on him like spliter cell or something but then the fun stops as soon as I have to shoot a gun since I literally put an entire magazine from an AK-74 into someone and they stay alive long enough to wound me and his m8 comes down the stairs to finish me off this was a game session where tek had most of the fun and I just run around like a retard telling him where people are to go have fun since there's a bit here where I call out three guys on the train tracks and he takes them all out and it sounds really fucking fun on his end but all I do is run around unarmed getting shot at in the dark and I literally sacrifice my life to turn off a flare so he can see them with his nvgs getting him 9 kills which one more than what it shoulda had counted for me playing with stomple and he literally sounds like hes had fun in a video game and goes on about how many kills hes got and how he managed to get a sniper rifle out his bag mid fight and what do I get I get somehow falling through an impenetrable window and falling unconscious standing up on my feet now thats realism and it like paralyzes my character stomple style and steals my bandage so I just give up and leave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyGFZGI4g3c
this was actually going to be the start of a new thread idk why the fuck I thought those last three vids were worth their own thread but whatever and this was the same day too I logged back in to play with barry but of course it saved my fucked up glitched out character but at least I can control her to dougie off a roof and end her misery and then I have a nice we run around this horrible nightmare world of zombies merging into each other and cool vehicles that have been crashed and unable to use by myself and stomple actually tries to join the game again but but I've literally permanently disabled his DayZ life forever and it wont let him back in lmao and then there's literally just like a never ending procession of absolute glitched out bullshit while I listen to Karang on TV but I finally get to where I was going barry had found this building site that some people had blocked off with a bus and set up tents in and I simply just walk through the fucking bus to get in but they've filled the place full of barbed wire and sandbags so I literally server hop teleport hax to try and get in but all it does is change my character into a black man, thanks but I try again and this time leave it 5 minutes before switching back over so the shit game remembers my location and I literally teleport inside their base and I lay there for another 5 minutes as these two guys run around shooting zombies and talking to each other with direct comms making me shit myself but I think they are literal hackers or just run the server because I get kicked from the server so instead of fighting me legitimately they probably just saw my position on a hacker map and booted me which was gay since I saw them several times and could have maybe got them if they'd just play fair also me teleporting in was playing fair since they clearly hacked in barbed wire and a bus to block off the place in the first place and two wrongs make a right so I just jack back in and sloooowly crawl around to steal an M249 from their clearly hacked in tent while these faggots are blathering away to each other but the faggots kick me before this shit game will remember my loot and when I try to jack back in I'm outside the compound since they're literally hacking me so I just run around outside screaming NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER until they kick me again lmao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGXewRZuPWE
then barry joins me on another server and we get his famous "here's a chicken... I'm gonna rape it" line and after some Bottom Hiccup Banter™ where I've realized just sitting at a loading screen doesnt make for a good video and editing in some amazing entertaining still images of racoons helps the no one watching these pieces of shit I run around aimlessly while Barry prattles on and then I hit someone 10 times with an axe but they shoot me once and I die so a fun bit of gameplay there in a sea of autistic rambling and then barry does the extremely brutal torture technique of paralyzing someone from the neck down and then something interesting finally happens where I meet a guy with a crowbar in elektro who I try to make friends with by bandaging him but a guy with an axe turns up and they start having a meele battle and the guy with the crowbar gets in lots of hits wile the axe guy runs away but since the crowbar literally does 10% of the damage the axe does he can keep running and I run past them trying to get them to get along but then a guy with a pistol shows up and murders us all lmao fun gameplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lE1iVmd1VE
then when I get back to elektro the loot seems to be glitched out since theres nothing but unarmed people just standing around the main road so I heard them into dat firestation like jews to the gas chambers for barry to mince up and when he gets there I've got one guy to follow me and theres another girl up the tower he was up and she crouches down and he stands there diligently as barry kills a zombie that was going for them and they're probably thinking he's gonna help us and I tell barry to kill them but he hesitates because he is not a ruthless psychopath like me who wants to bathe in the blood of the innocent so I start telling him FUCKING DO IT BARRY and as he executes both of them I scream at them HI I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND HES VERY FRIENDLY JUST LIKE ME YOU FUCKING GAY BOYS lmao and then barry gives me his revolver so we can operate together which lasts about one minute since I see barry in the supermarket and think hes another player since his characters so generic and I say I'm killing a guy coming in from the back and barry gets scared and is like do you mean the south or the north but I'm already screaming DIE FAGGOT and unloading on him and barrys like YOU DICKHEAD THATS ME YOU STUPID RETARD :barryorly: and I'm like OH GOD IM SO SORRY IM SOO SORRY and barrys like FUCK THIS, IM DONE, IM DONE, YOU'RE LITERALLY RETARDED DUDE :barrytears: and then I immediately see another player actually coming in from the back and I try to shoot him but he shoots me and my aim goes up and my shot hits the ceiling my character goes unconscious standing up and spinning around slowly just like what happens when you get shot in real life but apparently my shot actually hit this guy and one hit killed him since I get credited for another kill so I guess my bullet ricocheted off the ceiling and got him revolver ocelot style or something retarded and barry says YOU'RE LITERALLY RETARDED RUBY :barryuh: and goes to find another server and then I take this guys AKS-74 Kobra and grenades and I see an unarmed guy coming in so I see an opportunity to have fun so I throw a grenade over that doesnt effect him in any way since hes behind some shelves when in real life his body would be a paste on the wall but thankfully I have two grenades and I throw it behind the shelf he was behind and he goes to the side and bends down to try and take cover or something from me but [GLOW=orange]I GET A GRENADE KILL!!![/GLOW] which is fucking impossible in video games because they always nerf them to fuck and back to stop """""""""""""""""""spamming"""""""""""""""""""""" even in limited resource games like this and it kills him so hard it makes his characters animations glitch out and he stands up for one frame before his legs break and he goes UGH!! and topples over dead but of course I had like 2hp and my vision was black and white and blurry to hell and back so the video looks like garbage but whatever then I just run around destroying buildings with my smoke grenades and I manage to drive a car one meter forwards before getting killed by the hacker who spawned it in probably then I catch another body as the niggaz say and its probably a hacker since he has a ghillie suit and an AS-50 and I shoulda heard his m8 shooting at me who comes around and kills me but due to this shit game not being realistic when I put the first guy down I just presumed oh hes still shooting at me since dead people can shoot at you obviously and didnt think it was another guy and then I have a nice wee run around a firestation from a guy using all my bullshit against him like teleporting through a wall due to a ladder and closing doors in his face which literally lets me defend against a guy with a gun while unarmed due to realism but he still gets me later on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6aRPQjebZw
then on my next character I have a nice wee edgy rampage where I trap a guy in a tent and try and force him to have gay cyber sex with me but he wont break so I kneecap him and as he tries to crawl away I just walk behind him shooting him in the rump trying to send him unconscious so I can do the drag body and let him wake up and snap his neck trick on him but the gayboy wont pass out and he actually finds a gun lmao so I have to shoot him before he can pick it up and he just dies and I pick up this AKS-74U and use it to murder a guy and then I murder a girl to take out my frustration of barry dissing Lost and then I chase down some other guy screaming abuse at him and I guess he realizes I want to mess with him so just stops and bandages but I put some lead in his legs and tell him HOPE YOU HAVE SOME MORPHINE TOO M8 and as hes crawling around I bend down and put the gun to his head and tell him I'll give him morphine if he eats me out but then I hear a gun go off so I tell him I'm not interested in you anymore and pop him several times since the first couple of times went into the ground in front of him due to fun aiming mechanics but I never find the person I was looking for due to fun gameplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EaFFeeSoIY
then something approaching fun happens where barry finds a motorbike and gives me a lovely wee ride back up to that compound the hackers had taken over and we hide the bike somewhere retards wont nick it and then server jump back to that server and we have some nice fiddling about in the dark looking for tents and I get that gun with the night vision scope on it just to fucking find the tents but I finally get the M249 I was trying to get but then of course the bullshit starts piling on me when a zombie literally one hit incaps me but my gay guardian barry saves me and we switch back over to the server with the bike on it so barry can stash some shit he took in it after successfully robbing those hackers while I try to have some fun with the M249 killing zombies with it while barry tells me something that may be Timformation™ that in real life an M249 as no recoil when you put it on the ground and it has the same suppressive fire as 15 riflemen so any firearm experts here tell me if thats true or not jon becon and then we log out for the day since things are going too well we have to stop playing before some bullshit makes us lose all our shit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcfLrejz62Y
this is where the third thread would have started and these next five videos is what I have been calling in my head The M249 Saga where it takes me literally nine days to get a kill with this weapon which is a shame since having to wait so long for one thing to happen and being able to compress it into five videos means I might never catch up with being literally a year behind these videos anyway this is the next day and when I log in due to realism the game has filled my M249's box mag back up to full lol thanks for once shit glitches are in my favor oh also my character is a woman again for literally no reason and I just go on a nice wee walking sim through the wilderness chatting away until we're joined by big boy barry to chat to me while I walking sim and idk whats up with the end of this video I think I bluescreened and then barry and tek just gave up lmao since I am the social lynch pin of all conversations and when I leave its just time to pack up and go home
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEFhxyvTC9E
and then four days later tek finally has free time to play and I load in in pusta which I remember running up to the very first time me and tek played after we crawled through those zombies before I started recording and I just realized it was pointless to run up north and ran back down to the coast to get murdered over and over again and after some walking sims I see another player and I'm really pumped to get a kill with this M249 and when I get my chance I let off three big brutal bursts and I hear the guy going OOH!! as his leg breaks but when I run over there the coward FUCK has disconnected and then I need a fucking drink since I've been too good at games and stayed alive for too long so I have to go meet up with tek and do some fiddling to get a pepsi and then I send him to run around elektro to try and lure people out for me to get a kill but no one is around and it gets my jimmies on edge since already been four days since I had this gun and been worrying about not getting a kill with it since and I had reoccurring nightmares about trying and failing to get kills with this gun lmao and I literally just move from corner to corner camping waiting to see someone but I never do so a very gripping video I'm glad is 23 minutes long
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYdZfuE89p4
three fucking days later 8 days after I got this gun and several nightmares about not being able to get a kill with it later we have another lovely game of running around looking for someone to kill and spoilers never fucking finding anyone because elektro is a ghost town for no reason just because I finally have a cool gun and my jimmies were in glass mode if someone killed me and got that gun before I killed someone I'd have a chimp out and I need to go get some food in the game so I get teknorat whos up in the hills with a sniper to cover me but of course as I'm walking down the street in PvP central his cunt gook slut wife calls him lmao and usually I would edit out her voice as to not betray to teknorat but it is funny to have it cutting the tension of me running around elektro and hes not even going to read this or watch the video so fuck you and for once bullshit goes in my favor where theres nothing but alice packs in the supermarket but when tek runs in it spawns food and I just leave him to kill the zombies since every time I fire the gun it annoys me its not at a human and then I eat my in-game macaroni and cheese to settle my fragile glass jimmies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft_nx-yLxBU
and then the next day after NINE FUCKING DAYS OF WAITING TO GET A KILL I load into Loading Screen Simulator 2012 but a shot rings out so I literally just leave the server lmao but then tek gets killed so I have no sniper cover its all up to me now my to [GLOW=gold]get kills or get rustled tryin[/GLOW] and while we are discussing borderlands 2 which we still havnt finished lmao like 10 months after it came out due to my bluescreening I see someone up in the bar's apartment and I make the mistake of thinking I can shoot a like two inch long bullet through two glass windows which are of course portals to hell that steal your bullets and when I run across to go get him some other random wee fagmaster is sneaking around so I immediately go into first person and I SCREAM EAT SHIT FAGGOT AS I GO FULL AUTO AND PUT DOZENS OF ROUNDS INTO HIM AND HE TOPPLES OVER AND I SCREAM YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!! AND I HEAR THE GUY GOING OOH!! AND IM LIKE OH YOU'RE STILL ALIVE ARE YOU YOU FUCKING FAGGOT WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT AND PUT ANOTHER FEW BURSTS INTO HIS HEAD UNTIL IT CONFIRMS MY KILL AND IM LIKE YES! MURDERS FIVE! YEEEEEESSSS!!! YES I WAITED NINE DAYS FOR THAT!!! HUGH OOOOOH YEEEEUUUUUSSSSS!!! :rubygrin: and then I go outside and waste the fuck outta a zombie with full auto since I dont give a motherfuuuuuuuuuuck after accomplishing my mission and then I go up the stairs looking for the other guy and find a dead guy who maybe I did kill but it didnt credit me for no reason but he had a pp bizon which I've learnt from counter strike: go fuck yourself that it's terrible but then another fagmaster comes up the stairs and I shoulda just opened up with the M249 but I get cocky and try to get another grenade kill and toss one in the room hes in which would fucking turn him to fucking paste but of course due to realism a high explosive grenade exploding around one inch of a wooden door frame doesnt effect him at all so I try to throw another one but this cheeky cunt uses the lean function to pop around from the door and kill me as I'm throwing it which then disappears in mid air as its leaving my hand due to realism great but at least I got that M249 kill and already had a nade kill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnEEzQyZoYw
and tek goes up there and avenges to me with a fucking crowbar but this shit game has made my M249 disappear for literally no reason but my jimmies are perfectly stable after getting that orgasmic release of unloading on a mans face with my phallus and now I'm free to run around like a retard again not having to worry about staying safe and getting a kill but my jimmies wont be safe for long because The Revenge Of The Triangles happens when I get to balota airfield which is graphical glitch central and I go on a big long bastard walking sim back to elektro with Bottom Banter™ where we talk about the opening of the 2012 london olympics that included some amazing shit where daniel craig played james bond escorting the queen playing herself to the olympics and they were depicted as skydiving out of a helicopter into the stadium lmao which is actually canon to the 007 movie universe now in my mind and when I get there I find a gay AK variant called the Kobra with a neato green dot sight and some funny shit goes down after tek has to leave where I hear some gunfire and guys yelling over direct comms in the bar so I run behind it and low and behold there is some guy sitting in the corner of the room in some badass heroic final last stand against a hoard of two dozen zombies fighting tooth and nail so of course I HELP HIM OUT BY MAG DUMPING ALL 30 BULLETS INTO HIS BACK THROUGH THE WINDOW :rubylol: and then I run back to my camping position in the supermarket only for my gear literally to get hacked by a hacker to the best shit in the game who I presume set that to everyone in the server for a laugh or maybe just me because it was that guy I killed and he found it funny and wanted to reward me or something so I guess the moral of the story is shoot strangers in need in the back or not since of course I leave the server before this horrendous game gets the chance to remember my loot for next time so whatever but there you go this was three of these terrible threads in one I hope you enjoyed it tune in next week for even less interesting videos that somehow have almost the same total runtime as these fucking thirteen put together
