Jokes

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"

God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.
"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up" God says "Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift" Adam begged.
Eve responds "Adam, my love, if you wish to have this gift then please, take it. You do so much for me, the animals, and the fields, it is only fitting you have this ability". "My darling! Thank you so much!" Adam exclaimed.
"Okay Adam, here you go" says God.
Adam of course runs over and tries it out right away. While using it, he looks over his right should with a heart-warming smile for his darling wife and says "Thank you amazing wife of mine". "You are most welcome my loving husband". Eve answers.
God smiles at their interaction, and then looks at Eve and says "I guess that means my last gift is for you. Multiple orgasms".

A man goes to the doctor after feeling quite ill. After running a few tests the doctor returns. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "I guess gimme the bad news first doc, so I can end up on a good note" the man says. "Okay" says the doc. "The bad news is that you are going to die". "OMG! This is terrible! What will I tell my wife, my young children? I am so young" he cries. After a few minutes he stops sobbing remembering there is still some good news to hear. "Doc" he says, so please tell me "what is the GOOD news?" "Well" says the doc "They're going to name a disease after you!"

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. "Offer them no more than $3 million!" he shouts down the phone. "And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny!" After "hanging up" the man says to the visitor "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies "Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line".

I accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together. At first, I panicked. Then I realised that it was always going to be okay.

Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day "I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community" he said. "See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No! Look at those magnificent shipyards, I was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No! Look at all my restaurants and community kitchens that provide wonderful food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restaurateur? No! But I get caught fucking one lousy goat..."

A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

I asked my wife why did she marry me. "Because you're funny'' she responded. I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed'' She replied "You see? You are hilarious"

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their breakup. The judge asked the husband "What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?" The husband replied "In the six weeks we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing". "Seven weeks!" the wife said.

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realises its 3am and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me". He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says "You lying bastard! You've been fishing again!!"

Carl calls in sick to work.
His boss says "I know you're not sick, now get your arse to work!" Carl replies "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in".
The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.
When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.
To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.
When Carl answers the door, his boss is livid "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"
Carl replies "I am sick. That's my sister!"

A military commander calls his soldiers and says "The first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options: "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So, the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" asked the commander. "Oh oh! Commander!" The soldier laughed "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"

The US and Russia have gone to war. Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks, he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad.
FIRST TASK: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.
SECOND TASK: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.
THIRD AND FINAL TASK: sexually satisfy an angry 90-year-old Russian woman.
He accepts and sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed.
Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then... everything goes quiet.
Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "Now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"

The corona virus is the best thing that happened in my life. My wife does not want to travel anymore. She no longer buys anything, because everything comes from China. She no longer goes to the mall to avoid the crowd. She spends all her time in a mask with her mouth closed. This is not a virus. This is a blessing.

A plumber came knocking at Mark's door. "I've come to fix your blocked toilet" the plumber said. "We haven't got a blocked toilet" Mark replied. "Are you Mr Collis?" the plumber queried. "No" Mark answered. "He moved away six months ago". "There are some real bastards in the world" the plumber swore. "They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency, then they piss off to another address".

I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool. Some Jewish guy approached me and said "The '70s called... they want their shirt back!" I said "Yeah? The '40s called... your shower's ready".

I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.

Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy. After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door. Disgusted, he called out "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?" The Army soldier replied "No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers".

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking, he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?" They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot". "Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".

Son: "Mum, I was coming home on the bus with dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady". Mother: "Well that's a nice and polite thing to do". Son: "Yes, but I was sitting on dad's lap at the time".

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn't speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says "Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake". My God" says his mother. "You can speak?" To which the German boy replies "Of course". "How come you've never spoken before?" asks his father. "Well" says the boy "up until now, everything has been satisfactory".

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint. While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent. "Twenty-four!" he calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting he's foreign to the culture the tourist continues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Forty-one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on. "Oh, that" the bartender responded. "The locals here are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that". "Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?" "Of course, you've seen how it's done".
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety-three!" he called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter. People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter. The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman "Why was the reaction so crazy?" The barman replied "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"

A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise.
Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him.
He goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening.
After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pulls at his jacket - it's a red-haired dwarf.
He tells him "Man what are you doing? Whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that".
The man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again".
The man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. After all, what's there to lose anyway.
The dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". The man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
The dwarf pulls his pants down, and the man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him.
The dwarf tells him "Okay, let's do this, how old are you? That's important". The man tells him he's 47-years-old. The dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"

Dear Billy Jo,
I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!
Your cuz, Bubba.
PS. I would have enclosed $20 but I had already sealed the envelope.

Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.
"Well done, Johnny" he says "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole". He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep.
Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "Look Grandad!". The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.
"I say!" says Grandad "How did you do that?" "I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray". "What a good idea. I suppose I'd better get you $5".
Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour. When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny. And here's $50 from your Granny as well".

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

A blonde is done with all the blonde jokes. So, she makes a plan. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette.
After some time driving, she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder" she says. "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?".
The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If I guess you real hair colour... can I have my dog back?"

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.

Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".

As I opened the front door, I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub. Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a fucking psycho!

A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

The other night I got stuck in a line at the Wal-Mart. After 5 minutes I coughed and said "This cough has been getting worse ever since I got back from China".

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".