Jokes

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"

Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"

A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"

Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".

Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an arsehole.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

A woman goes to the doctor for help, because every day her husband comes home from work, he beats her. The doctor tells her to fill her mouth with water and swish it around when he arrives at home. She should keep doing this every day. A week later, the woman sees the doctor in the street, and runs up to him to thank him for the wonderful advice. She says her husband hasn't lifted a single hand to her. She asks the doctor what wonderful water swishing technique this is and what is the purpose of swishing the water in the mouth, and how it solved her problem. The doctor replies "Oh there's no technique to it really. It simply keeps your mouth shut".

A traveling salesman on business met a young blonde lady in a bar and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said "You're superstitious, right?"

Fred and Jim were in the middle of a game of golf when Fred pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter to spark up a cigarette. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" asked Jim. "Oh, I've got this old genie in my golf bag" said Fred. "If you want, I'll get him out and he'll grant you a wish - but only one, so make sure you get it right". A wizened genie appeared and Fred said "I want a million bucks!" The genie nodded, disappeared and the sky immediately darkened. Looking up, Jim saw an enormous flock of ducks blotting out the sky. Pissed off, he turned to Fred and said "I said a million BUCKS, not a million ducks!" "Hey, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" Fred replied.

Mrs Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months late goes back to the doctor and says "Doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before". The doctor says "Don't worry about is Mrs Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks. She says "On my balls doctor... on my balls".

The missus had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf. When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet are too far apart."

One night a well-dressed vampire walks into a bar. The bartender asks the vampire what he will be having. The vampire replies just a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at him funny but gets him a cup of boiling water. The vampire takes his cup and goes off to sit down. The bar tender shrugs and goes back to cleaning the glasses. The next night the vampire returns, and once again asks for a cup of boiling water, gets it from the bartender and goes to sit down. The third night the vampire returns and asks for the cup of boiling water again. This time the bartender puzzled, finally asks the vampire. Sir you come in every night to a BAR and only order boiling water, why? The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "It's for tea!"

I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window.
The manager says "Well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do". "Like what?" says the man.
"Well, can you read?" "No". "Can you write?" "No". "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either " the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat " the manager gives him.
The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!"
Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents apiece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story.
"Well I can't do that " says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse!"

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
"How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, little Johnny asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why".
Knowing little Johnny's propensity for lude and crude remarks, his mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school".
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says "No". He says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Okay, okay, do tell me what you think".
Little Johnny says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue".

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" 'Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith... he's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there".
"Thank you very much for the call, sir".
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary. Johnny gets a hard-on.
Obviously, Mary started asking right away "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnny's dick Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly "That's a stork"
Mary is still bored and starts asking again "What is that?" while pointing at Johnny's balls Johnny then answers "Those are storks' eggs".
Mary is still intrigued "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says "That's the storks nest. Leave me alone already!"
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful.
Noticing Mary, he asks "Mary, what happened to me?" Mary answers "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the stork's neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire".

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning Father, Good morning Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute, young lady". "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen".

Despite her old age and waning eyesight and hearing taking a toll on her daily life, Doreen was always a wonderful mother to her three sons. To celebrate her 70th birthday, they decide to buy her lavish gifts.
The eldest son builds her a brand-new home, complete with all new furnishings, appliances, full garage and more.
The middle son buys her a brand-new sports car, to replace that 20-year-old beater she never bothered to get rid of.
The youngest son buys her a parrot who can recite Christian verses perfectly, to remind her of their love for Jesus Christ and to always be a good person.
Overwhelmed and flattered beyond belief, the mother thanks all her sons one-by-one, starting with the eldest.
"George, this is so wonderful! While I cannot see this new home very well or the things in it, I will cherish it always" she says, giving him a hug.
She turns to the middle son. "Oh Carter, this car is so nifty and cool! While I cannot drive much anymore, I'll cherish it always" she says, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Finally, she turns to the youngest son. "Oh Markus, thank you so much for that wonderful bird. It was delicious!"

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay".
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum!"
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $61.85" said the clerk. "Can't possibly be that much? I only bought 5 items". The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too".

Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat bastard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".

A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman. He climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No... it's burning my arse!"

Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"

A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"

Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his arse!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his arse. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's arse too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".
The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"