Jokes

I went to a popular restaurant the other day and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I thought I would have to either wait a while or go elsewhere. It was then that I had one of my inspirations. I took out my phone and said in a very loud phone call type voice "Hello! Yes this is Richard from the Detective agency; you were right in your suspicions, he is here as you suspected and is with another woman, just come along now and see for yourself". Eight men got up hurriedly and fled, followed immediately by the eight women, so I was able to get a table quite easily after all.

A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they'd spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said "When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?" "All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the bloke. "So what are you thinking now?" asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes. "Well" said the bloke "I'm thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job".

Got the wife a new Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat. Surprisingly the new dog still seems to like her!

We had been together for 5 years, so I took my long-term girlfriend to a beautiful romantic Italian restaurant to celebrate. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair, and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied. "But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentine's Day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him". Her friend replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?".

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.
"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".
"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".
"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".
"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".
"Speared to death! My god!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".
"So gassed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."
"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was fucking wrecking the place!"

On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday. The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.
Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion. She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".
Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer. He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".
And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.
"Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher. "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window". Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.
"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny. "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher. "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

A very successful, arrogant young barrister is playing golf.
His ball goes out of bounds into a farmer's field. Just as he is about to climb over the fence to retrieve his ball an elderly farmer shouts out to him "Hey, keep off my land. You can't climb my fence without asking my permission first".
The barrister says "You obviously have no idea who I am. I am a top barrister and you are just some dumb farmer. If you prevent me from retrieving my ball, I can sue you for every penny you have".
"I don't know how you fancy barristers settle things" says the farmer "but around here we use the one-punch rule".
"The one-punch rule... what is that?" asks the barrister.
The old farmer explains "First I get to give you one punch, then you get to punch me, and so on until one of us gives up".
The barrister looks at the old farmer and thinks there is no way he can lose a fight against such an old man so he agrees to the contest.
The old farmer draws back his fist and, with all his strength, punches the barrister square on the nose, knocking him to the ground and drawing blood.
After taking a few minutes to recover the barrister says "Right you old codger.... now it's my turn!"
"No need" says the farmer "I give up, you can have your ball".

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs". "Odd" her companion replies "But if we shall live in America.... we might as well do as the Americans do".
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling "Hotdogs! get your dog's here!".
They both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please" says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige.
He wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush profusely and then staring at it again for a moment, she leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers "What part did you get?"

A 6-year-old says to his 4-year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we start cussing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell and you say arse".
"Okay!" said the 4-year-old with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Awe hell mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"
*WHACK!*
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. Mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs and asks the 4-year-old "And what do YOU want for breakfast?
"I don't know... but you can bet your arse it won't be Cheerios!"

A group of scientists one day decided to cut open the heads of a dead German, Japanese guy and a dead blonde, to see what goes on inside their heads and what makes them so different.
They first open the German's head. Inside they see gears everywhere, it looks like the inside of a Swiss watch, extremely impressive. They decide to close the lid and go on to the Japanese guy.
They open the Japanese guy's head. Inside are complex circuit boards and vast electronics, it looks like a computer inside, with chipsets galore. Very impressed by this, they decide to close his lid and move on to the blonde.
Upon opening the blonde's head, they find nothing, only a single wire running from one side of the head to the other. Extremely fascinated by this, and equally stumped by the purpose of the wire, they realise the only way they will find out what it does is to cut it and see what happens.
So, one guy gets the side cutters and they cut the wire. As soon as they do so, the two ears on either side of the blonde's head fall off.

I've noticed that all women seem to carry around two key items in their handbags. Lipstick to make sure their lips stay red and moist, and tampons to make sure that they don't.

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years". "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part".

Many years ago I was on a sailing yacht crossing the Bay of Biscay. Seasickness was a major problem, especially as I was the navigator, and had to spend a lot of time at the chart table down below. In the medical box was a packet marked "suppositories, for severe seasickness". I tried a couple - useless, did nothing, might as well have stuck them up my arse...

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa" she says excitedly "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said. "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"...

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

A cowboy emigrated to Wales. He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition" said the pregnant woman, indignantly looking down at me on the bus. Keeping my eyes on the paper "A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car" I replied.

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out "Hey we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said "There is no way you can guess my age!"
One of the Grandmas said "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age".
Embarrassed but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong he did it.
Then they all said in unison "You're 87-years-old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked "How in the world did you guess my age?"
Slapping their knees high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear the three old ladies happily crowed... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything... but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen..."

Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?"
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate. In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man.
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished another very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet".
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs' good fortune, another man joined them.
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?" "Certainly" they replied "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?"
"Well, mixed fortunes really" he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends. One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane".

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires over California. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realised that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport and where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport turned right instead of left as advised and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said "Fly over to the fire area and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer" he responded "and photographers take photographs".
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".

On a fine Sunday the church was full. The father was preaching when suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
About twenty minutes later she again screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
This goes on throughout the whole service and as people were leaving, Father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her. "Not here father" she says.
So, he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "It's very shameful, Farther. I cannot say it". Father assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other". She continues "One day he invited me to his house where he hugged me... oh it's so embarrassing, I won't be able to say it!" "Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the Father and went close to her and hugged her. "Is this how he hugged you?" "Yes Father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. Oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now finding himself aroused and staring down her cleavage says "Please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her. "Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off... ohh..."
Before she could say anything Farther pulls her top off. "Like this my child? " "Yes Father" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off" Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? " "Yes father, then he took his clothes off". Hearing this, Father, unable to control himself, rips HIS clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me". Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that. "Then he fucked me!"
Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said "That sounds pretty normal... so what went wrong?" "It's after that he confessed to me that he had AIDS!"
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!"

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my New Year's resolution 3840 x 2160.

A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"

What's worse than sitting on Santa's lap and he gets a woody? When he stands up and you don't slide off.

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly "Don't worry sir, I believe they crucified him".

I was in the pub on New Year's Eve, A woman stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the barman was almost crushed to death.

I was browsing in a department store, looking for Christmas gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analogue?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said "Write that down, Mary, it's way better than Fred!"

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says "Because I'm not a Christian". The teacher asks "So what are you then? " The girl replies "I'm an atheist". The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says "It's just that my family isn't religious. My mum's atheist, and my dad's atheist, so I'm atheist". The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron? And your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl "I'd be a born-again Christian!"

I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year". Second blonde: "Bloody hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then".

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said "I did". "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.