Jokes

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell *kerplop* right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
This student received the only "A".

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said "I would like to withdraw $500".

The female teller told her "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM". The old lady then asked "Why?" The teller irritably told her "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you".

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady "My apologies mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her "Any amount up to $300,000".

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with Seniors... they will outwit you.

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello" said the Father "And how is Mr. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?" "You did that, Father".

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father" said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you". "Thank-you, Father". And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan" said the Father "how are you?" "Oh, very well" said she.

"And tell me" he said "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all!" "Now isn't that wonderful" he said.

"And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh" she said "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out.

He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month, and offers oral instead. The huge guy thinks it over for a minute or two and then counters with "How 'bout anal?" Too intimidated to say no, the transvestite leads the john into an alley to have sex.

While the john is going to town, the transvestite can't help but start to get excited himself and gets an erection. Right as the john is getting ready to climax, he reaches around to give the hooker some pleasure when his hand encounters the stiff member.

"Hot damn" he yelled out "in one end and out the other!"

The electricity man called round at number 71 Burswood Road to turn on the power for the new tenants.

After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.

"Where's your mum, son?" he asked. The little boy didn't answer but just pointed at the stairs.

So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being shagged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.

"Son, son, do you know what's going on up there, do you know what they're doing?" The boy just looked at him and then said "Na-a-a-a-a-a".

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "The Power Of Prayer".

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit".

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

"Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your friend!!" the bum staggers away chuckling.

The Polish guys look at each other and start laughing. "That was a funny riddle that bum told us" they say "let's go do it on someone".

Laughing almost hysterically, they see two American guys. They walk up to them and smile.

"Hey guys!" they laugh. "We got a riddle for you! What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The American guy's shrug, waiting for the answer.

The Polish guys chuckle again, and one of them says as he smirks "Me and my friend!!"

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that's how very many company policies and procedures get established.

George was planning on going out with 'The Boys' when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

Wife "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt".
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chunks all over his shirt.

George "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunkass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned".

So, when drunkass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Wife: "I KNEW that you would spew all over that new shirt!"
George "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned".

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

Wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollars come from?"
George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants".

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements.

Son Gary says "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos".

Daughter Grace says "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us".

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens".

Daughter Alice says "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough".

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery!"

A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman".

This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart A*s the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit, Johnny looked up and said "Making a fireman".

This pissed the fireman off so he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The cop asked Little Johnny "What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?"

Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.

The cop said "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop?"

Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said "Because I aint got enough shit".

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So" he said "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe". Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000". The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"

I came home steaming drunk at 3am in the morning. The wife sat up and pointed at the clock and yelled "What fucking time do you call this?" So I sighed and had to explain to her AGAIN about the big hand and the little hand.

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello, Sarge" "Yes" "It looks like we have a homicide here". "What happened?" "A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped". "Have you placed her under arrest?" "No sir. The floor is still wet".

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home, I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the neighbour. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison.

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot. But she took it back a week later telling the pet shop owner "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained. "I haven't had a bloody chance to get a word in yet!" interjected the parrot"

My grandfather was trying to give up smoking, so to help him along I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in petrol. I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.

The wife and I were standing in the kitchen when our young son was struggling to get the lid off of a tub of yogurt. "For fuck's sake!" he exclaimed as he eventually wrestled it open. The wife turned to me and said "Hmmm... wonder where he gets THAT from..." To which I replied "Out of the fucking fridge you stupid bitch. Where the fuck else would he have got it from?"

A large fat, big mouthed American is on a bus tour of Sydney and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Australia. As they meander around Randwick, he points his podgy finger at a small building attached to The Prince of Wales hospital and says to the tour guide "See that hospital building over there? Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger". The tour guide says "I'm not surprised mate. That's the obesity wing".

A German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping".
The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror, he asked "Please tie two pillows to my back". This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness" the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"
And the Irishman said "Tie the Englishman to my back".

Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John" she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later". "That's mighty nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife would like it".
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very, very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay" I finally agreed but thought to myself "my wife won't like it".
After a couple of restorative scotch's, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now".
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess".

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When
he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".
The old guy obeys and says "99".
The doctor says "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".
Again, the old guy says "99".
The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'".
The old guy begins "One... two... three..."

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there".
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him "Mike--Miiiike".
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike...it's me, Joe". "You're not Joe. Joe just died". "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe" insists the voice".
"Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven" replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news". "Tell me the good news first!" says Mike.
"The good news" Joe says" is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired".
That's fantastic" says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!" "So, what's the bad news?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match..."

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes".
"These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam".
The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a drawer and settled into my new job. The people were friendly, there were always fresh donuts and bottomless coffee, and everything always just fell into place.
Until one day it hit the fan.
Everyone came looking for me for this major issue, and I'll be honest, I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the envelopes and proceeded to open the one marked #1.
"Blame the previous guy".
Well, sure! I mean, if it wasn't for all the stuff he did in the past, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! I told everyone it was the previous guy's fault, and everyone seemed to accept that. Slowly, business got back to normal. I felt like I dodged a bullet.
Months went by and not a single bump in the road. And then... another crisis. I could hear people yelling my name, and not in a good way. Without hesitation, I reached for envelope #2.
"Blame the support staff".
Right? I mean, if they were doing their job and told me sooner, I could've fixed all of this before it was even a problem! Everyone nodded. Couldn't argue with that logic. I was relieved to have dodged another bullet. I must be pretty good at this after all!
A full year went by and, sure, some people had since been let go, but I was still sitting pretty with a good job and a carefree attitude. Things just always seemed to work out!
When the next crisis hit, I wasn't even phased. I could hear the people yelling my name, and I could almost even imagine them carrying pitchforks all aimed at me. Whatever. I still had that final envelope which I opened as everyone was amassed at my door.
"Prepare three envelopes" it said.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing" the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off".
"Lady" the attendant said "Indians don't use saddles".

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says "Convert to Catholicism and get $20". Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe" replies Murray "I'm thinking of doing it". Abe says "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says "Abe, I'm going to do it". With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So" asks Abe "did you convert?" "Yes, I did" says Murray. "Did you get your twenty dollars?" Murray looks at Abe and says "Is that all you people think about?"

My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Sarah didn't turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said "Her mother died suddenly last night I'm afraid and she's still trying to come to grips with the situation". "Oh No! That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Is she coping okay?" "Pretty well considering" I replied. "She's just cooked me a breakfast, scrubbed the floor, and she's on her second load of washing".

This bloke goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every day I wake up and shag my wife before we get out of bed. Then when she's gone to work, I go downstairs and take the maid from behind while she's washing the dishes. After that I take the car pool to work, and when it's down to just the last woman and me, we climb into the back seat for a quickie. Then, when I get to my office, I shag my secretary over her desk and do some work before the tea lady comes around mid-morning, and shag her over mine. I spend my lunch hour at my girlfriend's place and we manage to fit in a few before I go back to work. The tea lady comes back in the afternoon and I shag her again, and give another one to my secretary before I leave for the day. When I get home, I take the maid again, and then have a quickie with my wife when she gets back. Finally, we have another in bed at night before going to sleep". "I don't understand, what help do you need from me?" asks the doctor. "It hurts when I jack off".