Jokes

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court" he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says "You need to stop masturbating!" "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "Because I am trying to examine you!"

A husband and wife were down and out on their luck. The bills were piling up, they were past-due on the rent, and the fridge was empty. One night, over (what should have been) dinner, he said to her "Honey, I love you and our marriage is strong. I think the only way out of this mess is for you to start, well, selling yourself". She reluctantly agreed, so the next night, she took her "station" on the corner. Shortly after 2am, she came home, thoroughly exhausted. He said "Well... how much did you make tonight?" Beaming, she said "I made $101! I can stretch that to buy us food for a week!" "A hundred dollars... plus one?" he said, flustered. "Who's the bum who gave you the dollar?" She said "They ALL did!"

A young bloke goes for a job at sea. The captain asks "Have you any experience away at sea?" "No" the lad replies "but I'm honest!" The captain decides to take him on and they soon set sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the young bloke overboard. The first mate runs to the captain "Captain, captain, you know the young bloke we took on? The one who said he was honest? Well, the little bastard just fucked off with your mop!"

I don't understand the point of lap dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate". The wife says "I'll have a vanilla". Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want, fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there, that's my truck! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You've seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!"

A dance teacher who had sex with two of his 15-year-old female pupils has been jailed for 4 years. I think that's unbelievable. A straight dance teacher?

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "And that's not the drink talking either".

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car" his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea".
"So what did he end up with?" "Ten years in prison".

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city. When they see a house with the sign: "World's Prettiest Woman Contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign: "World's Strongest Man Contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in his hand and smiling. They keep walking when they see a house with a sign: "World's Greatest Liar Contest". Pinocchio goes in and comes out all beaten and a tear in his eye: "Who the fuck is Donald Trump?"

I finally convinced my friend to get a COVID vaccination, but he doesn't want Moderna. He says "Just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80's don't mean she knows how to make a vaccine!".

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?" The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free". The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied "That was where they were holding the auction".

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest!"

"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth!"

"So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger".

It's 1945 and Hitler, having just killed himself, is standing in line at The Pearly Gates. There being a higher than usual number of dead at the time, the line is quite long and Hitler is getting rather impatient.

Finally, he gets to the front of the queue and meets Saint Peter. "Name?" asks Saint Peter. "Adolf Hitler" replies Hitler. "Wait a minute" says Saint Peter "Not THE Adolf Hitler?" "Yes" replies Hitler. "As in the Fuhrer?" asks Saint Peter. "Yep, that's me" answers Hitler. "Oh, no" says Saint Peter "You caused the deaths of millions of people, it's straight to Hell for you!"

Hitler, upset that he can't get in Heaven, demands to speak to Saint Peter's manager. "Alright" says Saint Peter "but he's just going to tell you the same thing I did". So, Saint Peter picks up the phone and calls for his supervisor.

A few minutes later Jesus appears. "Everything okay, Pete?" asks Jesus "What's the problem?" "Well" says Saint Peter "It's Hitler here, he wants to be let into Heaven". "Hitler? Heaven?" asks Jesus "Not a chance. No, it's straight to Hell for him". "But Jesus" interjects Hitler "If you let me into Heaven, I'll award you the Iron Cross". "Iron Cross, eh?" says Jesus "I have always wanted one of those. Tell you what, I'll go ask the boss".

So, Jesus goes to see God. "Dad, dad?" says Jesus "Hitler's at the Pearly Gates, he wants to be let into Heaven". " Hitler?" asks God "Are you mad, son? We can't let Hitler into Heaven". "But, dad" protests Jesus "he says if I let him in, he'll give me the Iron cross. "Iron cross?" asks God "What the hell do you want an iron cross for, you couldn't even carry the bloody wooden one".

A guy driving his pick-up truck towing a horse trailer, along the highway by the Pine Ridge, Reservation, in South Dakota, sees an elderly Lakota man on the side of the road. He stops his truck and asks the old man "Grandfather, would you like a ride into town?" The elderly Lakota man said "Yes, thank you, I would". So he gets in the truck, and down the road they go. After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, the elderly Lakota man asks "Do you have anything in the trailer?" The guy says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do". "I just got a new horse for my wife". The elderly Lakota man, chuckled and said "Good trade".

There were four Catholic women drinking coffee and having a discussion about their sons. The first woman says "My son is a priest, and people come up to him and say 'Hello Father'". The second woman says "Well my son is an Archbishop, people come up to him and say 'Hello, Your Grace'". The third woman says "Well my son is a Cardinal, they come up to him, kiss his ring and say 'Hello, Your Eminence". The fourth woman takes another sip of her coffee and says "Well my son is a male stripper. He's 6-foot tall, has blonde hair and blue eyes and when women see him, they say 'OH MY GOD!!'"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in moments they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.

A bunch of typical Aussie guys is sitting around a BBQ having a few beers. There is a dog that happens to be in the middle of the men and it is licking its balls. One of the men is looking and says wistfully "Jeez, I wish I could do that". The owner of the dog thinks for a few seconds then says "Ah... you better give it a pat first".

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest". 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied "Too much trouble, sarge".