Jokes

A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. He won't stop staring at her. She asks what's wrong. She says he can tell her anything.

He says he's sorry, but he's always had fantasies about nuns - wanted to be kissed by one.

She tells him it's all right. But she just has two questions: Is he Catholic, and is he single?

He tells her he is Catholic, and he is single.

"Okay" she says "Pull into the next alley".

They pull into an alley and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

When they've finished, the man's crying. She asks him what's wrong?

"I'm sorry" he says "I can't lie to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish".

"That's okay" says the nun "My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts "Fuck! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"
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I'm getting totally fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things. $1.25 for a tea, $1.75 for a coffee, $2 for a slice of cake and $2.50 for car parking; anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends' round to my house!
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says "Well dear, mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex". The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey". The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery".
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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend" said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all". Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son". I replied.
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Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was running out so I had my buddy mark the spot so we could come back tomorrow. When we reached shore I asked my buddy if he had marked the spot. He replyed "Yup I drew a big X on the side of the boat". I thought about it for a second before I exclaimed "You idiot... what if we don't rent the same boat tomorrow?"
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A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first.
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Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow" one of the gay men says "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here". A nurse who happens to be walking by says "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass".
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We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!" he replies. So, she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples??" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well". So, the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey - it's not that hard!"

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
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I was sitting at the table reading the paper when the wife exploded "That's IT! I'm sick of it! All I ever do around here is cook!" she yelled. "HEY! That's not on!" I blurted over the paper. "What? I'm not even entitled to an opinion anymore?" She said defiantly. "I was referring to the oven".
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.

Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.

As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Deptartment of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"

Well poor Mick and Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.

"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".

"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"

"Sure, why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.

Mary responds "But what about the smell?"

"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies".

A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.

So, the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".

Mark and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a bit or light prostitution. She's not quite sure what to do, so Mark says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner".

So she stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" "A hundred bucks" she says. He replies "All I got is thirty".

She says "Hold on" and runs back to Mark and asks. "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job" Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back".

She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy $70?"

A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".

"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"


Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9.".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions".

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs.".

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief.....


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands".

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question...


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck".

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
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My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
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A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out "Are there any 'gators around here?" "Naw" the man hollered back. "They haven't been around here for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do anything" said the beachcomber. "The sharks got 'em".
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Police are reporting that a nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
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Father: "Son, you were adopted". Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes".
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When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
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A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod "Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod" "Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod" "We have NO cod" "I don't want haddock, just the cod" This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says "There's no f in cod" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
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I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". She asked me "What is that?" I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" "Okay" she said "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's".
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There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
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Six friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It doesn't look good, Dick".

"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
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I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.

As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I LOVE to drink." "Well you're gonna LOVE Monday's then. On Monday's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "Well you're gonna LOVE Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesday's you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, then you're gonna hate the weekend!"

A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"

"Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home".

"Okay, boss" said the young man.

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck" replied the young man. "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's motorbike is still jammed under the truck's front wheels".

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done".

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up".

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".

He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs. It will warm up".

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said "My penis is frozen solid".

Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.

A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle.

One day, wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack. Worried, the beagle thinks, "Oh no, what am I going to do?"

Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another".

Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees. "Whew" says the tiger. "That was close. That beagle nearly had me".

Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, come along and see what I'm going to do to that conniving canine".

Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off ages ago to bring me another tiger".

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down. "OK what is your problem sir?" "I am half deaf" he replied. "That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf! There is no such thing!" "Yes there is!" "OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back". "OK!" He said "When he got to the end of the hall the doctor shouts down. "88" shouted the doctor. "44" shouted the man.
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My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
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A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water".
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?" Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it". Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
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Dear Charlie, We've been neighbours for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
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In sixth grade at St. Gabriel's Catholic school, Fr. Matthew is teaching the kids about sex ed. He finally reaches a pause and says "We all know pornography is bad. It is very, very bad. We should never watch pornography - never". The kid in the back of the class asked "What is defined as pornography, Father?" Fr. Matthews stops for a bit, then replies with "Pornography is any image that makes you sexually aroused". All of the students looked at each other and nodded, until the transfer student from Alabama in the back of the class raised his hand. "Father" he asked "Does that mean that my sister's selfies count as pornography?"
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is". The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".

I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70. Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me.
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I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.
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Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed". Little Johnny replies "What are you gonna do? Fuck him?"
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I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed... I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car had gone!

Simon and Jason are playing golf at their favourite course, but on every hole, they are being held up by a two-ball of women who are always half a hole ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow.

Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Jason decided to do something.

"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through" Jason said.

He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Simon waited.

"Can't do it" Jason said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!" "Okay" Simon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them".

Simon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

"What's wrong?" Jason asked when Simon got back. To which Simon could only reply: "Small world, isn't it!?"

A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!"

He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.

The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business. He'd had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time.

Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the passage was that he read.

The captain had already boarded the ship after reading the book. Taking note where the captain stored it, the first mate told another crewman "We really need to find out what that book says. Tonight, you will distract him, I'll grab the book, and we'll find out what the captain reads before each trip". The crewman agreed, and both waited for nightfall.

At last, the time had come to steal the leather book. Everything went according to plan, and both the first mate and the crewman were hidden in a remote part of the ship, ready to read the words of wisdom the elderly captain examined before each trip. They opened the book. It was empty, except for one page, which read:

"Remember, starboard is right, and port is left".

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to back to the fridge.

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".

The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.

A man wanders lost in the desert. The man is dying of thirst and hunger, lost in the desert the man wanders about trying to find his way to civilisation. At some point, the wanderer spots a man riding on a horse in the distance.

The man shouts "Help! Help! I'm lost!"

The rider hears the wanderer's cries and rides up to him. The wanderer sees the rider belongs to one of the native tribes in region.

The man tries to speak with words and gestures "I need water, food". The native responds "Hahribahri, or death?" The man replies "Hahribahri!"

Thinking that it might mean help or water.

The native replies "Hahribahri"

And the native proceeds to rape the man, and then takes off.

The man, being raped, proceeds to struggle onwards with great pain. Out of the horizon the silhouette of a gang of men on horseback appears, the gang closes in, the man thinks this might be his salvation. But soon he sees that it is the same tribe as the native that raped him.

The riders surround the man, and the leader of the gang asks "Hahribahri, or death?" The man, not wanting to die, answers "Hahribahri".

The gang proceeds to savagely rape the man, and then they take off.

The wanderer, survives the ordeal and struggles onwards. After some time, the wanderer spots a flowing river. Thinking that it might be the end of his struggle, the wanderer gets closer to the river but spots a whole tribal village.

The village also spots the man and the whole tribe homes in on him.

The man knows what is to come.

The chief of the tribe looks the man into the eyes, and asks "Hahribahri, or death?"

The man, knowing he won't survive, concedes and replies.

"Give me death".

And so the chief answers "Alright... but first Hahribahri".

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her a gift. As she unwrapped it, she said "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand? Are you saying I'm a witch?" "No no. And it's not just any wand" I replied "It's a magic wand!"

"Oh yeah?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it a shake" I told her "and don't forget to say the magic words".

"Okay" she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

"Fuck me, that's amazing!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this".

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
--
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
--
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
--
A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
--
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
--
"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
--
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".

A black man, Mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out!

"Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first. "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".

*POOF* his wish is granted.

The Mexican man goes next: "I wish all Mexican people could be returned to Mexico to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".

*POOF* his wish is granted.

The redneck says "Wait... so all the blacks are in Africa... and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? And I'll never see them again?"

"Yes" says the genie.

"Okay. I guess I'll have a Diet Coke".

Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting 'little Charlie' hard. He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.

A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck, doc. These pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard".

So, the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.

Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate! Don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"

The doctor says "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie". "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again!"

The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.

Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit".

The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it".

"Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?" The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement".

So this just happened, I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot. I asked what did he do that for? He replied the fucking thing had been following him around all day!
--
Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
--
Mother and her dear little six-year-old son visit a friend who's just given birth to a baby with no ears. Mother: "Oh! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them". Son: "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses".
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said; " l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded; "That's all right, lady. I'm already house trained".
--
I was told my Egyptian optician had died. Asif Eyecare.
--
For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my partner a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board.
--
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice" said the neighbour "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him". "Cured him!" asked the woman "but how?" The neighbour said "You see, his name is Bill".
--
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run!" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it was called Golden Soup. She said it was because there were twenty-four carrots in it.
--
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".

An angry wife says to her husband "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!"
--
I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards!
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Teacher is in the class facing the pupils. One is little Jimmy, the foulest mouthed kid in the school. "Oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him".

"So pupils, in today's English lesson we are going to study the word 'fascinate'. Can anybody give me a sentence with 'fascinate' in it?"

Jimmy sticks his hand straight up. "Oh miss! Miss!! Me!"

She ignores him and goes to little Timmy, who says "Yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating". "Not bad" said the teacher "but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?"

Jimmy hand again shot up "Miss! Oh miss!! Meee!".

She continues to ignore Jimmy and turns to Samantha, who said "In the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me".

"Not bad either" said the teacher "but still not the exact word we were looking for. Anybody else?"

Now only Jimmy has BOTH hands up, so reluctantly she said "Okay Jimmy what have you got?"

"Well" said Jimmy "I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt".

The teacher is thinking this is not too bad. "Go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt..?" "Yeah" he said "her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten eight!"

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.


The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though". the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''


''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me,'' says the other.


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, he'll try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"

He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".

Two Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards.

One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it's been stolen from outside the church.

"The problem is I don't want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don't know what to do".

The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to "Thou shall not steal" the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike.

The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says "The ten commandments speech worked I see" the other vicar says "Sort of, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it!!"

"Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"

"Hi Ken, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
--
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. "Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer". Oh that's when I went to Yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
--
Tea is an evil substance! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was at home drinking tea. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed up to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it!
--
Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
--
Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".
--
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"
--
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your kid to work day". As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this". She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

An elderly woman walked into the bank one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square".

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly" replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square." "Done" the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem" said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the president of the banks balls in my hand!"

A teacher asked the children in her third-year class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane".

The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny's tart!"

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face!

"Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He attempts another step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite! Shoite!!"


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine.

So, he belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and... falls flat on his face!


"Bi'Jesus... I'm pissed" he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and declares "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and... falls flat on his face.

Finally, Paddy falls into bed.


The next morning his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did, Mary. I was fookin' pissed.. But how did ye know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub".

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.


He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I’M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her "I study law, and I know how to screw people!"

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"

She explained "The egg timer's broken".