Jokes

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher".

Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them. The engineer fumed "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said "Why can't these guys play at night?"

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..." "Let me tell you a story" says the other man "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man". "So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man. "Well... which one do you turn your back on??"

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago".

The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word then allowed to make up a poem using the word: Timbuktu. The university graduate went first. He stepped to the microphone and said "Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu". The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores, in a pop up tent, they were three, and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear "Here... iron this... then get me a beer".

A rich man decided to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.He held the part y around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".
No sooner the words were out of his mouth when there was a loud *splash* and everyone turned around to see Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc with all he had and actually kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. After a few moments the host says "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it" said Jimmy. The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet!" "How about half a million bucks then?" "No bloke. I don't want it" answered Jimmy. The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".

A senior General is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.

"At ease" says the general. "Why are you here?" "Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles". "I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?" "Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening". "Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?" "I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir". "First rate. Carry on". And the general goes to the next bed.

"At ease" says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?" "Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs". "I see" says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?" "Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?" "I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir". "That's the spirit". The general moves on to the third bed.

"At ease" says the general. "What are you in hospital for?" "Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums". "Yes, good, good. What treatment?" "Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?" "To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it".

An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So, he starts walking...
After a couple of hours, he is very tired and very hot. Luckily, he reaches a camel rental station so he decides to rent one to continue his journey.
Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: "Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'".
So the guy gets on the camel and says "Wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks 'Hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "Wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly.
Well, the guy likes that and he thinks 'Let's see what this baby can do!' So he says "Wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching - really fast! At this point he realises that he forgot to ask the attendant what the 'stop' command was.
Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer. Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "Amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says "Wow!"

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! he hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's 'thingy'". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and *THUMP* the ball sails straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. "That was great" the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in". "But we're only privates" protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now" says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink". "But we're privates" says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
"You're cute" she says "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big 'thumbs up'.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy "Why did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates... and we're Lance Corporals now!"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. The startled doctor jumped back in surprise then shook his head and exclaimed "For fucks sake, you really have to learn to trust me".

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled "The wall! Watch the fucking wall!"

--
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Susie called after him "So, what was wrong?" And he replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error". A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied "No". "Write it down" he said "and I think you'll figure it out"... I D 1 0 T.

An Emergency Call Centre worker has this week been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a cell phone stating "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong? Why are you so down today?". The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"? The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop". The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled.

Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself". He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing".

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally, he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Let's trade positions and you blow and I will watch". Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown. "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says "I want something different". The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass". "No, that's too common. I want something different". "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?" "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that".
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later, a huge Amazon type woman comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane". "Okay, I'll buy that".
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head". The man says "Alright".
Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!" "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane".
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'pees' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No" he replied "I'm just a crappy golfer".

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy, go git yo Momma..."

Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse, which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked "Dave, did you push the outhouse into the river?" "NO" said Dave.
So, Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave "Did you push the outhouse into the river?" Dave proudly answered "Yes father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river".
Sure enough, Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed "George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth". Dad replied "Yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree".

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help".

A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives, he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it's like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks. He meets a very good-looking woman and buys her drinks all night. Soon he realises that he hasn't found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her. When they arrive at her house, she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and of course she joins him. They have a great night of sex. About a month later he's at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says "Paddy, you visited London a few weeks ago and met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex". The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he's going to do about it.
Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he'll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 75-year-old reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Shannon, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!" The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open!"

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So, the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said "I don't hear anything". The mental patient said "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona". The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke". The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I".

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what's wrong. The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says "I have some good news and some bad news". The patient says "Alright what the bad news is?" The doctor says "I have to amputate your leg". The patient asks "What is the good news?" "The guy in the bed beside you is offering to buy your slippers".

This guy and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her, she asks if he wants to come in for a drink. Of course he agrees. So they go in the house and in her room and where says "Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you". She later says "You can open your eyes now". He opens them and, much to his surprise, she has whipped cream all over her pussy. He dives right in and starts eating the whip cream until he finds himself with a mouthful of dick. The girl starts crying and says "I should never lied to you; I'm a man! My name is Bob and I'm a plumber from Massachusetts. And the guy with a shocked look says "I thought you were from Boston!"

One day little johnny was playing outside and he really had to use the bathroom. At that time his grandma was getting in the shower. As she got undressed, he looked down and said "What's that?" The grandma replied "That's my beaver". Little johnny said "Okay" The next day the same thing happened except this time it was his mum. Little johnny said "Mum, I know what that is, it's a beaver". Mum said "Did grandma tell you that?" Little johnny replied "Yes but I think grandmas is dead. Her beaver's tongue is sticking out.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says "Okay, now what?"

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

I went to the doctors yesterday. He said "Drop your strides and bend over". I swear he put his head up my arse. "Can't see anything wrong in there" he said as I was getting dressed. "Thank you, doc. Is that it then? Clean bill of health?" "Almost" he said "Though I'd get that loose tooth sorted ASAP".

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him "Peter, come!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the Roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again "Peter, come!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off!
Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The Roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm!
Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side.
Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said "I think I'll get up and get a coke". "No problem" said the Soldier "I'll get it for you". While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said "That looks good, I think I'll have one too". Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes; pissing in cokes?"

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain BEFORE drugs and the small circle is your brain AFTER drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said 'This is your arsehole BEFORE prison... '"

A guy is walking through downtown and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi.

He walks in and his buddy Jim is behind the counter. When Jim sees his old friend, he says "any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven't had lunch yet". "No problem, go grab some food" the guy says.

About 10 minutes go by and a white lady walks into the shop. "How much for that white dildo?" She says. "Uh, the white one... $10". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

A little while later a black woman comes in the store. "How much for that black dildo?" she asks. "Uh, the black one... $20". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

About 20 min later a woman walks in and asks "how much for that plaid dildo?" "The plaid one? Uh $50". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

10 minutes later Jim comes back in and asks how business was while he was out. "Not bad; I sold a white dildo to a white lady for $10, a black dildo to a black lady for $20, and your thermos to a russian lady for $50!"