a lot of circumstances are depressing me at the moment... a very small part of it was... and I know it sounds pathetic, but a small part of it was thinking that you don't care. You're really what keeps me comming here, you're one of the small handfull of people here that I like and of them all you're my favorite. It's silly but I felt like you cared more about the trolls than me, and I very clearly adore you, I felt like that I follow you around this forum doting on you but that you're more interested in people who follow others around slagging on them. It was baseless and paranoid and you've done nothing wrong at all, in fact most of the time you do everything right... I was just feeling needy. I hate the fuckheads who come here to do nothing more than harrass members like myself. Also I hate Bushido because I hate if I dote on someone and they give their attentions to people who do nothing to me but harrass me. None of it is your fault and all those feelings are only a very small part of what are other circumstances in my life that have nothing to do with you or the forum but to even just see that you messaged me, that you think of me and cared enough to ask, that small thing makes me feel much better about comming here. I actually do spend a fair amount time here as you know and while really it's an escape from the realities of my life, the more substanstial things that depress me, I spend enough time here that it can affect my feelings in general. I think you're brilliant and have a huge heart but I see you making posts about other people and they aren't nice posts and while I completely understand as the people who these unpleasant posts are about have made about 1000 more unpleasant posts about other people and yourself than you have made about them but I don't want to see people who aren't worth the time of day take up your headspace and then I guess I feel a bit jealous when I see them taking up your headspace by slagging on others and I feel like I lose my space with you, a space I feel I got not from slagging on others but from the interest I show you. You must be fully aware of the members who flame me constantly, I'm not the first to be under attack but I do not run and hide like some do and I can give as good as I get but I do not initiate it. I am not here to follow around people who I do not even like, they get more time and thought from me than they should get from anyone because the way they get it is nothing short of disgusting in my eyes. I feel like I understand your wavelength a lot of the time. I'm sorry for thinking the way I did and remember what happens here is only a very small part of other factors affecting my life but I want you to know that you have made me feel good. We are not the centre of each other's world and it is weird to care what someone you've never met thinks but I do care what you think and I didn't want to keep following you around if you were more interested in the attentions of people who I think are shit than mine. As I said though all that is baseless and really the circumstances in my life outside the forum affect my feelings in the forum more than the other way around if that makes any sense and I have just been feeling insecure in general lately but you are not the cause of that and you've actually made me feel a bit better so thankyou.
