INT. VOLVOFORUMS.ORG.UK - TWO NIGHTS AGO



A man(child) checks the Volvo Forums. He's making sure they're dead before he signs in. They know he comes here.



The Volvo Forums are a message board for Volvo owners. But that's not important. Because he can't drive. What is important is it uses vBulletin 4.2.1. The same as his forum. He can make threads in relative secret here.

He logs on with a mysterious box. No it is not a metaphor and yes it will be opened. Fuck off JJ.



He tries to use his mouse. It's got a problem.



A very strange problem.



He tries to start typing. He breaks a nail.



This isn't good. He'll need to cut them now. He needs all the gimmicks he can get.



He sees the mods get on. He freezes. They can't see he's active on the forum. They have people everywhere.



But doesn't this guy own his own forum? What's he got to be scared of?

After cutting his nails he checks his inbox. Someone has PM'd him a picture of a paintbrush.

They know.



He checks the forum's sticky.



They're here. The Lizards. They're everywhere. They go from forum to forum, destroying each community as they go. They have his. They've had it for years. But it's time that ends.

RUBY
right... time to make the best thread of my life



Cut to title card.







EXT. RUBY'S COMPUTER - YESTERDAY

Ruby opens up his main harddrive. It's stuffed with Lost references.



He's got a paypal account full of his grampa's money. That old man hated the jews so much he made sure they'd never get his shekels.



But that's not what he needs right now. He needs some Blu Tack™ to fiddle with. He needs to calm his nerves. He's going to have to talk to a girl.



He makes a call on Skype. Time to give that social engineering lark a try.

RUBY
hi, sam, its ruby calaber, from rubynet

yeah, I was just calling because I have a present for jon...

yes... for his... birthday?

yes! well, I figured I could just email him a photo of it, but I'd really love to physically give it to him, my package I mean, I mean the present, and I was wondering if you think he'd be ok with me mailing it to him



cool, cool, yeah, it's more of a gag gift really

no its not q-tips

now, he's still living in garland, right?

oh, that was just a joke? but he's really in texas like half the fucking forum right?

right, and what's the real address?

thanks...

oh yeah... I'm sure he'll be really surprised

l8r babe



Ruby hangs up the skype call. He leaves behind his packet of Blu Tack™. He won't be needing it any more.







EXT. #YTMNDEV ON EFNET - LAST NIGHT

CLAY
im just saying its apples and oranges

listen i maintain if i want a mars bar i go buy a mars bar and if i want a snickers i go buy a snickers

i mean what is the earthly point in comparing a mars bars to a snickers bar

JON
the point is hes allergic to peanuts and will literally die if he eats a snickers



CLAY
then hes a dipshit because mars bars are made in the same factory as peanut products and thus have traces of peanuts in them

Clay disables the IRC room's password so Jon can join faster.

/MODE #ytmndev -k ripytmnd



But Ruby enters the chat under a pseudonym to spy on their conversation.

/nick lastborntub /join #ytmndev



JON
in canada they make them separately

CLAY
so another thing they're pansies about

JON
what exactly is your point?

CLAY
my point is eat snickerz or die bitch

JON
or both in his case

CLAY
listen up bub im allergic to phosphate and phosphorus and i know exactly how much banana i can eat before anything happens if you have an allergy and don't know exactly how much exposure you can take you're a moron who deserves to die

JON
actually you know what I think he might have been talking about the comic strip



Ruby reveals himself.

/nick rubycalaber

CLAY
OSHI-!

RUBY
hello clay...



RUBY
...jon

I see this place is dead too

CLAY
what are you even doing here you havnt made a ytmnd in years

RUBY
actually I made a walking dead ytmnd last month

CLAY
if you're here to troll us...

RUBY
actually I'm here to give you something, it's already in my paypal account, how about you two accept my transaction?



CLAY
yeah nice troll bro

JON
you cant troll us you're an autistic autist and we've both got jobs and girlfriends who we fuck with our huge cocks... s-see?



RUBY
jon... if we're going to go that way... you'll need a bigger dick







INT. #YTMNDEV ON EFNET - LATE LAST NIGHT

After hours of fiddling Ruby transfers his PayPal funds to Clay and Jon.

RUBY
keep accepting, the transfer costs don't matter, I have enough



RUBY
alright... that is over £9000

CLAY
where did it come from? and why are you giving it to us?

RUBY
my grampa earned it and you are going to spend it on the forum

CLAY
what? why?

JON
ruby I don't think-

RUBY
every year when the forum needs renewed, which is 8 months and 4 days from today, you will spend this money on hosting costs, vbulletin licences, anything that's needed to keep rubycalaber.com online, there's enough to keep it up for half a century



JON
r-r-ruby I-I-I'm not sure that we follow wh-wh-why would uh I mean why in particular would we-

CLAY
if you want that horrible forum online go pay for it yourself



RUBY
I cant, everyone hates me, if I use my credit card to pay for the site I'll get backtraced and killed in real life

even if no one did I wouldn't even know how, I'm a manchild, I don't know how finances work, I had to get my dad to set up my card

but two reasonably well adjusted adults who are known for administrating the ytmnd forum community for almost a decade who'd think nothing of keeping it limping along?



CLAY
it wouldnt make any sense coming from us

RUBY
it certainly would, the community are blameless victims of their monstrous admin ruby, a man who you once knew quite well

say you got a cash prize in a snickerz or something or won a rock climbing competition and have the money to waste, say whatever you want, but do it

and you are not to spend a single dime of your own money, if there is any legal drama or hackers trying to extort us or whatever you will take it right from here, you use my grampas money, never yours



JON
s-sure thing ruby that sounds reasonable... so what happens next?

RUBY
I guess we /me shakes on it... and I leave

/jons shakes on it
/rubycalab shakes on it



Clay's being a faggot about it.

JON
come on this isnt django unchained just shake his fucking hand

/clay shakes on it
/rubycalab shakes on it



RUBY
I can trust you to do this?

JON
yes absolutely you can

Ruby signals his men.



CLAY
OSHIIIIIIIIIIII-!!!!

RUBY
don't move, don't dare turn off your computer, you don't want them to think that you're trying to get away from their IP traces

just breathe

just this afternoon I had an extra 69 pounds that I would have loved dearly to have spent on my forums... instead I gave it to two ex-LulzSec hackers along with your dox



RUBY
now... whatever happens to me tomorrow... they'll still be out there... cyber stalking all your internet activity, and if for ANY reason that my forums dont get this money a kind of countdown will begin, like in season 2 of Lost

maybe a day or so later, maybe a week or a year, when you're at work chatting to your boss or with your girlfriends or visiting your family or whoever, and you're... being a general normalfag without a worry in the world...

and then suddenly you'll hear the phone of whoever you're talking to ring, but before you even know its happening



RUBY
TROLLED! my hackers have sent every dick picture, racist post and porn search you've ever made to everyone in your life! you're fired! you're dumped! you're banned from thanksgiving!



RUBY
but cheer up bros... at least you're normalfags with jobs and girlfriends... right?







INT. RUBY'S STEAM CHAT - LATER LAST NIGHT

Ruby meets up with his hackers.



It's Plug Drugs and Bob Hughes lmmfao.

BOB HUGHES
here's your hax back ruby

PLUG DRUGS
dude could we really have hacked them?



RUBY
they're just IP loggers, it doesn't actually mean shit, just to scare people



BOB HUGHES
why would you want to troll clay and jon like that?

PLUG DRUGS
they've always been cool to us

RUBY
how do you feel now?



PLUG DRUGS
for some reason I'm suddenly very calm about the whole situation

BOB HUGHES
420 dawg



RUBY
so... you guys been on the forum recently?

BOB HUGHES
what do you mean?

RUBY
have you heard anything? how active is it?

PLUG DRUGS
well... there's still a few posters on there



RUBY
which ones?

BOB HUGHES
mostly... mostly the lizards



BOB HUGHES
its not that dead or anything

PLUG DRUGS
yeh I hear they get at least one new thread a week in there

BOB HUGHES
and they make funny posts sometimes

PLUG DRUGS
they do?

BOB HUGHES
well like... by accident... once in a while

PLUG DRUGS
yeh once... ever

BOB HUGHES
remember when the forums were actually funny? those were good times man







INT. YTMNSFW FORUMS - FLASHBACK

GENERAL DOLI
LOOK @ HOW MANY FROCKIN REPLIES I GET XD



BOB HUGHES
yeah, these forums are great if you step back and think about it, lots of laughs, lots of chill dudes to chat with and last but not least the hot forum babes



JIHAD JOSH
I literally cum in my pants everytime I log on.



GENERAL DOLI
yes. u guys are my best m8s in the whole world & I love luteraly every yrmfngw forum girl, they are a,lll beaitufl and they can s my d... if they like ;]



RAMEN
I'll lick your asshole if you reply to my weight loss threads

GENERAL DOLI
sure thing qt4,11 I have enough replies to last 4eva, g-ddamn, im never leaving these forums EVER!!!







INT. RUBYNET FORUMS - LATE LAST NIGHT

General Doli stops remembering the good times and remembers the hellhole forum he's stuck in now.



A desolate wasteland with no replies left. All his friends gone. But the Lizards. The Lizards always remain.







INT. RUBY'S BEDROOM - EARLIER THIS MORNING

Ruby sits down for a plate of mac and cheese. He's going to need the energy.



He gets an MSN message from Aber.

ABER
wtf is that?

RUBY
I have this habit, where I arrange it into this special shape but... seems kinda pointless now

ABER
isnt that what autistic kids do?







EXT. RUBY'S BEDROOM - EARLIER THIS MORNING

Ruby takes stock of the files he'll need to pull off his thread.



He needs one last thing.





INT. RUBY'S SISTER'S BEDROOM - EARLIER THIS MORNING

Ruby's Sister likes to pretend she's a classy bird. But Ruby knows different.







INT. RUBY'S AIM - EARLIER THIS MORNING

Ruby checks his AIM. Just in case anyone has tried to talk to him. 0 replies. He hasn't gotten a message in months.



He remembers when he used to have loads of internet friends.





INT. YTMNSFW FORUMS - FLASHBACK

CAMORON
you see those fags talking smack about star trek?

DRUNKPUPPIES
it's easy replies,,,,,, until i fcking ban you lmao

ruby just say the word and ill show you the posting ropes,, you can watch me ban some shitpotsres eh? get a lil exitement in your posting career rofl



RUBY
idk I dont really like being mean to people lol







INT. RUBY'S AIM - EARLIER THIS MORNING

Ruby closes aim.exe. He glancing back one last time at the empty hole where his e-life used to be.



He knows exactly who to blame.





INT. LISA'S SKYPE - EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON

Lisa signs onto Skype for another evening of hot forum boys hitting on her. First up is Garfield.

GARFIELD
hey there lisa, can we talk?

LISA
hi garf! *spreads my legs* lol

GARFIELD
well I was wondering... could you maybe stop posting our cyber sex chat logs?

LISA
I have never done anything like that ever, maybe you should consider it being one of those fuckheads who posts about me 200 times a day

GARFIELD
I literally have screencaptures of your posts so...



LISA
fuck off fuckhead i can fucking post whatever i fucking want and you losers cant fucking stop me its a free country fuck

GARFIELD
I know I just don't want anyone to find out I'm into BB-

Lisa blocks Garfield on Skype.

LISA
I am so sick of people attacking me for no reason

Lisa gets ready to roll her 200th joint of the day.



Her second suitor of the day is Rootbeer. He's visiting her on Penguin Island, but he has to stay in a motel because they fight so much.

ROOTBEER
hey babyangelcakelets

LISA
rooty! xoxo



ROOTBEER
do you like your uh...



LISA
my diamond necklace?



ROOTBEER
yeah... that I bought you... with my life savings

LISA
that I fucking told you not to bother with?

ROOTBEER
but I did bother, so I think it's your turn to do something for me... like reinforcing the blow up bath so I can get in with you

LISA
did you get the cardboard?

ROOTBEER
I was gonna but they only sell it in bulk and I can only lift with my right arm but its awkward to carry that much cardboard with just one arm

LISA
FOR FUCK SAKE SHERMAN YOU CAN FIND SINGLE FUCKING CARDBOARD BOXES JUST LAYING AROUND THE FUCKING FOOTWAY

ROOTBEER
HEY! I GOT THE SPONGE!

LISA
YES! ONE SPONGE! HOW DO YOU CLEAN A LEAKED INFLATABLE BATH WITH JUST ONE SP-



Ruby joins their conversation.

LISA
WHAT THE FUCJ!!!



RUBY
before you flame me or block me just hear me out, nobody knows that I'm chatting to you, just read for two minutes and then I'll sign out, please, just two minutes of your time thats all I ask, please



Ruby wipes the grease off his hand from touching Lisa on his trouser leg under the table.

RUBY
you're running out of replies, arnt you? I can do the math, you've been shitposting long enough, you must be running low

I have a new idea for a megathread that will get... thousands of replies, and it's actually readable and you both will be in it



LISA
is it that days game?

RUBY
no, no those threads were fucking gay, and I'm not ga-*COUGH**COUGH**COUGH**COUGH**COUGH*

Ruby coughs up some cum.



RUBY
sorry... I was just sucking my own dick

ROOTBEER
dude you really do that?

RUBY
no it's, it's just a gimmick, I need the replies... no one's messaged me in ages... I just want people to like me again...

LISA
how many replies could this topic get?

RUBY
oh, it's going to be epic, nothing short of a million replies and believe me this forum needs it

LISA
and its not going to be some ass sniffing bullshit trying to troll at us?



RUBY
no, of course not, it'll be a celebration of your love, you two are such a great couple, and everyone loves talking about you two, it's all anyone can talk about!

ROOTBEER
some of them are haters but they're just jealous I'm getting with the hottest forum girl

RUBY
exactly! now let me give you some advice rootbeer, man to man, I recently just lost my virginity, and let me tell you, condoms feel horrible, so I just didnt bother, and I just pulled out and came on her face, and nothing happened

ROOTBEER
oh damn really? cool, I didnt want to use them anyway



RUBY
so... do you think cody will let me on the forums?

LISA
that obsessed no life ugly retard just spams any topic unless its licking his ass

ROOTBEER
yeah he'll want to be in it

RUBY
oh he will be... he will be

ROOTBEER
cool, I'll send him a PM and let him know you'll be posting something tonight



GARFIELD
lisa look I ordered you this bong online, just... please dont post my dick pix

LISA
of course I would never do that I love you garffy!

now how about you three blokes airtight me?

RUBY
would love to but uhhh I gotta work on my thread, ttyl

LISA
just a dp it is then

GARFIELD
drunk puppies is gonan join in?

ROOTBEER
LISA I BOUGHT YOU A DIAMOND NECKLACE AND TRIED TO GET YOU CARDBOARD AND GOT YOU A SPONGE WHY CANT YOU SEE IM YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE?!!

GARFIELD
hey no problem man I have other options, shes all yours



Garfield leaves to chat up some other internet girls.

LISA
I CAN PLAY WITH WHOEVER I WANT SHERMAN WHY DID YOU RUIN THAT GARFIELD IS THE HOTTEST FORUM GUY



ROOTBEER
well I uh, we its, its just we have something to discuss in private is all

ruby posting a new thread? I mean no disrespect to the guy but...

did you see his DayZ threads? jesus

and I thought my minecraft videos were bad!



LISA
of course we're not going to let him post his topic

rooty please

you dont need my 200 IQ to see what stands out like a shag on a rock

can you even read? he said cody was going to be in it

this is the lisa forum NOT the lisa & cody OR anyone else forum

we only post about me, I run this place and everyone knows it



ROOTBEER
so I'll just get cody and his crew to troll him as soon as he logs on then?

LISA
obviously, now let me smoke my bong in peace







EXT. RUBY's BEDROOM - EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON

Assorted detritus lays strewn about Ruby's room. Various packaging, a bizarre phallus, a bloodied blade. But who's blood?



There's even more debris. He's opened his mystery box. It contained a FleshLight™. It looks freshly used. But I thought Ruby had lost his virginity. What does he need that for? Unless that was...



He's been using his advanced level hacking skills to crack The Government's firewall and download torrents. 1080p torrents to be precise.



He's been hard at work writing his epic new megathread. But there's something strange. Where are the unreadable walls of text? Where are the DayZ videos? It looks almost... funny? No, it can't be.



Now he's doing the image editing. Still using good old Photoshop Elements 5.0.



He's almost finished. All he has left is to make the gifs...



He finds something in his old gifs folder.

It's the green rep ring he gave Desolation when they first started e-dating.

That was over four years ago now.







INT. DESOLATION'S STEAM CHAT - EARLIER THIS EVENING

Steam's in-coming call sound effect plays. Desolation answers.

DESOLATION
Hey honey, how's tricks?



CAG
Good had 8 customers last night but I need to talk to you about something serious

it's ruby

he's back

DESOLATION
Oh yeah?

CAG
I heard hes going back to the forums! That car forum they thought he made threads on they saw him signing in yesterday and I even heard he skyped with lisa!



DESOLATION
They weren't... cybering were they?

CAG
Everyone knows shes in an monogamous relationship with rootbeer, anyway, he was talking about posting a new thread, garfield told me during his last lapdance

DESOLATION
Another dick thread?

CAG
Apparently codys gonna be in it so I fucking hope not

and they say he was talking to clay and jon too! they say they're shutting down the forums, thats what the thread is about, because it turns out they were trading child porn on the servers!



DESOLATION
And who's saying this?

CAG
m0nde, and he's always right about everything

anyway I told him there's three things ruby would do, he might kill himself live on webcam, he might give all our IPs to flagerchat or he might redirect the forums to fjs, I don't know which is worse

DESOLATION
I've already been posting on FJS this entire time.



CAG
god what if he has us all doxed I'll have all these creeps trying to rape me, I mean more than usual, but I heard the lizards are looking for him, theres no way he's going to make it out of this forum, they are absolutely going to troll him, no doubt about it, that scottish autist thinks hes some sort of posting mastermind

DESOLATION
Are you feeling ok?

CAG
what if hes going to dox the lizards and still considers me a lizard I mean I'm not everyone likes me and I'm an honorary mammal but what if he comes to my house and kills me and wears my skin as a suit everyone knows he wants to be a girl oh my god I'm having a panic atta-



DESOLATION
Need to go, bye! <3

Desolation hangs up on Cag.

DESOLATION
If I see that fucking Ruby one more goddamn time...



RUBY
five minutes

DESOLATION
The usual duration then... you didn't troll anyone to get my new steam name did you? You didn't betray anybody?

RUBY
no, didn't have to, I just waited for you to start playing with the dota 2 crew

DESOLATION
I don't like your new avatar, the Future Jack thing was already used in your 300 gifs, should have used Future Kate. You just look unfunny now.

RUBY
yeah... but I feel funny



DESOLATION
So talk, why are you back on the forums?

RUBY
it's dead, and I needed a proper goodbye, not our last chat

DESOLATION
You mean the chat where you told me it doesn't count as cheating if you only fuck a ro-

RUBY
it was just a gimmick!

DESOLATION
At least you didn't fuck a lizard, not that you didn't get into bed with them. By the way they're after you, they'll probably troll me just for talking to you again.



RUBY
no, they wont, not after tonight

DESOLATION
What's tonight?

Ruby links Desolation to an image.

DESOLATION
I don't want a cum sign ruby...



RUBY
It's not, and I don't have any to give you, I just got done fucking-

DESOLATION
God! I'll click your fucking link!

What's this?

RUBY
message clay after I leave and tell him you own the forums now, tell him you seduced me, you let me cum on your feet or something, and I gave you that Lost reference



DESOLATION
I think everyones had enough of your Lost gimmick by now.

RUBY
the Lost numbers are the password to the admin panel, you'll be able to undo everything cody did as mod

Deso breaks down in tears.

DESOLATION
WTF would you let HIM be mod? ;_;



RUBY
deso... deso, all the things that I did, you have to understand-

DESOLATION
If I have to hear... one more time that it was just a gimmick-

RUBY
it wasn't, it was all unironic, I hated it, owning the forum, trying to make everyone happy, keep it alive, I was bad at it, and I was... really... unfunny

Deso almost breaks down again, but steels herself.



DESOLATION
I have a dota game with barry in a few minutes so...

RUBY
before I go... can I... give you one last cum sign?

DESOLATION
...sure... link me.

He does.

RUBY
I remember you telling me when you saw that one you were like "where's ruby at?"

DESOLATION
Oh rubykins I-

RUBY
Don't. I must away.







EXT. BARRY'S STEAM PROFILE - EARLIER THIS EVENING

The Lizards are staking out Barry's internet activity.

MRS. HYDE
there's that young man, I hear him and ruby are those whatchimacallits... rose knows... fuckbois together

FLAGLERCHAT
Timothy Abrue of New South Wales.......... hEEE TaWkkk 2 hiiiimmm.... hezzzz FFFFFFUKKKKKKKTTTTTTTT



Ruby can only look on as his old internet friend goes about his day playing low skill level video games. He knows he can't even ask how his chickens are doing without it all being over.



Barry can barely walk his hole is so damaged. He can't bare to get on the forums to ask Garfield, or whoever's left, to repair it.







EXT. RUBYNET FORUMS - NOW

Ruby logs onto the forums. They're deader than Paul Walker.

Lizard "girl" Obnoxious Bitch welcomes Ruby back.

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Sup loozar. Nice browser you got there, what is that, Firefox 27 Beta?

RUBY
oh, you know what browser I'm using, that's some good hacker shit

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
I was implying you're a "Beta Male", that means you are of low social standing, like in wolf packs.

RUBY
is that so?

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
They need to produce a Firefox Omega for sad beetchez like youz.



RUBY
which thread is cody in?

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
RC only has one active thread at a time! We're all sucking epic lulzmilk out of Cody's Cock in that one, but don't baw, you'll get your turn!



Actual girl Rose West stops ruby from entering the thread.

ROSE WEST
I know you're a Homo and hate girls touching you but I'm going to have to search you.

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Can't have you smuggling in any gimmicks or 1337 h4x0rz to pwn us with.

ROSE WEST
Probably something hidden in his homo ass!



Rose found something odd.

ROSE WEST
Lmao! It's a picture of a girl with cum on it, nice try, but you're not fooling us homo!

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
That's Alison Brie from NBC's Community, and she's Jewish! You're not a crypto-kike are you?

RUBY
of course not, you don't get jews in scotland



OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Let's see that turtleneck then, prove it!

RUBY
what?

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Prove you're not a yid by showing us your foreskin.

RUBY
you first

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Did you just backchat your mistress?

RUBY
fine, here



ROSE WEST
you're a big guy!

RUBY
foreskin

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Good enough, just had to make sure, we lizards are 100% white and proud of it.

MISS AMERICA
he's a dreidel diddler though, or at least he wants to be

RUBY
hmm?

MISS AMERICA
a kosher porker, a bagel bonker, a heeb humper, you want to rub the german candle

RUBY
...it's just a gimmick

Ruby and The Lizards head inside Cody's thread. Flag guards the forum, ready to dox anyone else that signs on.



CODY
jesus look at you with that 7 inch cock is that real?

RUBY
yes

CODY
and its not photoshoped? seriously?

RUBY
no

UOFLCARDFAN08
why didnt you post it before? I've been waiting to complete my forum boy dick pictures folder for ages



RUBY
I was... waiting for the forums to be more active

CODY
oh well they're busy now!

I mean 99% of the time the place is completely inactive but we've got the whole lizard crew online tonight!

RUBY
so now would be a good time to post my thread?

CODY
hmm no I dont think so no

RUBY
did rootbeer tell you what I'm offering?



CODY
yeah thing is I'm already in every thread on here so...

RUBY
you're running low on posters, what happens then?

CODY
bring in more lizards and lisa has dozens of wimpy guys following her all over the internet

RUBY
but rootbeer and lisa will be in it too and they're all anyones talking about! it'll do iron man numbers!



ROOTBEER
you shouldn't have come back to the forums ruby



OBNOXIOUS BITCH
I think this was his plan all along. Get in here and get us all riled up... He wants to get gangbanged by Cody's Crew's Cock's!!



CODY
faggots burn in hell dont get me wrong but thats what the aryan brotherhood does in prison so it wouldnt be gay if we made him cyber us all

UOFLCARDFAN08
right lets see if the rumors are true, suck your own dick on webcam for us!

RUBY
fine, you want to know what it's about? it's about Breaking Bad!

CODY
ok ok im interested



CODY
but didnt that show end in september?

RUBY
yeah I was busy, it doesnt matter, its the best tv show, well, the second best tv show ever made, people will remember it forever

CODY
so what is it? one of your geriatric review things?

RUBY
a whole new kind of thread, like those gifs I used to make, but I guess you wont know about them...

well its like that for the WHOLE episode, every single line, virtually every shot, parodied, in one thread



CODY
you're bluffing you're too lazy for that shit

and what would you put it in anyway? all your dumbass lil jokes got old years ago: the ez mac, the vampire nails, jizzing on pictures

face it you got no funny gimmicks left

RUBY
no... I have... one left

CODY
being a virgin for life?

RUBY
actually thats why I was busy, too busy getting laid

CODY
with who?

RUBY
you'll see



CODY
so I'm in this breaking bad thread?

RUBY
yeah, you're actually this scary white supremacist gang leader

CODY
fine you can post your thread but only because I'm a badass in it because this is MY forum I OWN this motherfucker now son



RUBY
you wont regret it, all the original posters will love it

CODY
original posters? ahah... AHAHAHHAAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHA! mate besides rooty theres only... shit, lets get all the original posters online shall we?

ROOTBEER
a-are you s-sure I m-mean it's o-o-

CODY
I said FUCKING GET ALL THE ORIGINAL POSTERS WHO STILL POST IN THIS FUCKING THREAD RIGHT NOW



CODY
all your old friends... everyone you've been posting with for years... everyone whos still posting... all ONE of them!



GENERAL DOLI
oh gd...ohgoddd.... please kill me... this isnt a joke... or itonic.... please literally fucking kill me I am suicidal in real life.

ROOTBEER
come on dude the lizards arnt that bad and you'll never guess whats happening tonight, ruby's back! and he's posting a new thread!

GENERAL DOLI
kill.... me..... god....



OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Hmmm this vibrating chair works wonders on my prostate-I-I mean my G-Spot!!!

CODY
thats a good joke

its funny because I'd have you killed in real life if you were really a tranny



CODY
come on mate come and read rubys breaking bad thing

what do you call it

a meganthread?



GENERAL DOLI
wow..... wow m8.... thanks so muc h m8.....thats really cool.... very vcool and neat... yes,... thats it m8.... spend iterallliterally fucking FIVE MONTHS makking a fuckig stupid GAY ADND RETARDED THREAD NOONE WILL REad instead of herping the lizards,yes m8, tyes this is how to ru a forum, let the worst posters ever roam free, thans m8



RUBY
well... that's the thing, first of all, it only took me about 20 days, second of all... that's what it's about, the lizards get herped at the end of it... forever



GENERAL DOLI
what the... what the fug... p-please jesus chrfist who art in heaven.. please let it end, let my forums suffering end O_O



CODY
you see thats not a good joke because we all know its not gonna happen

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
Yeah, queer twink wanker Ruby would never power bottom against his daddy dom Cody.

MISS AMERICA
overlord cody rules rubynet just like every other forum he's ever posted on you dumb nigger

CODY
hes too much of a fucking pussy to do anything to me aint ya boy?

you know everyone hates you now and I'm the only one who'll even fucking reply to you anymore

...I dont believe this breaking bad thread even exists



RUBY
you best start believing in my breaking bad thread cody...

Ruby shoulder dashes General Doli.

RUBY
ITS HERPENING!!!



ROSE WEST
What? The big finale is you homos buttfucking?

RUBY
well I just thought of "herpening" like one second ago, that was improv, the signal I was meant to say was "it's happening" but I w-oh, ok, here we go



Click the video below if you would like expertly selected music to accompany the following sequence.



TROLLINATOR
Initiating Operation: Lizard Cull.



FLAGLERCHAT
j00 WiiL b gOOOOOOOOglddddddddd



TROLLINATOR
Your Alzheimer's is getting worse.

You have even lost the ability to type properly.



FLAGLERCHAT
c-c-cAnT FiiND aneee doxxxxxxxx

TROLLINATOR
Only humans of extremely low intelligence allow their personal information to appear on the internet.

Isn't that right, Patrick Mannix of Bristol, Virginia?



TROLLINATOR
Only 0.3% of Americans disapproved of the mixed race Cheerios commercial.

15.1% of all new marriages in the United States are interracial.

Interracial marriages are 5 times less likely to be abusive.

50.4% of all babies born in the U.S. are non-white.

17% of all white babies in the U.S. are aborted.

CODY
THE WHITE RACE IS DOOMED!!!



TROLLINATOR
Transgendered people are 440% more likely to be infected with HIV.

OBNOXIOUS BITCH
M-MY HUBBY DOESNT EVEN HAVE HE-I MEAN HIS P-

TROLLINATOR
41% of transgendered people have attempted suicide.

Transgendered people are 166.5 times more likely to die by murder.

We're going to help raise one of those statistics. Either is fine by me.

MRS. HYDE
in my day w-

TROLLINATOR
Your daughter is a whore, Angela.



TROLLINATOR
Greg, is it true you believe reptilian humanoids control Earth's governments?

MISS AMERICA
of course

TROLLINATOR
But as you have just demonstrated lizards are far too stupid for that.

MISS AMERICA
FUUUUUUUUUUUU-!!!



RUBY
GET THIS FUCKING LIZARD OFFA ME!

GENERAL DOLI
IS THAT A BOTLE OF IRON BREW OR ARE YUO JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

RUBY
ITS FOR TROLLINATOR!



TROLLINATOR
Hello, is this the senior citizen care facility?

One of your residents had wandered off.

I returned him for you.



TROLLINATOR
Momma needs a new handbag.

And it is going to be lizard skin.



TROLLINATOR
Argonians are the worst Skyrim race.

V got cancelled because no one wanted to watch a show about lizards.

Most people only know about Gorns from The Big Bang Theory.

ROOTBEER
HOLY SHIIIIIIIII-!!!



TROLLINATOR
Robots are cooler than lizards.

Gipsy Danger could kill Godzilla.



TROLLINATOR
Sobek is the lamest Egyptian god and was not even featured on Stargate.

Lizards are so unpopular GEICO would rather have cavemen as their mascot.

Scalies are worse than furries.

ROOTBEER
I ONLY FUCKED HER A FEW TIMES!



TROLLINATOR
Rango was Johnny Depp's worst movie.



TROLLINATOR
Most of these lizards are red. Your rep should match them.



CODY
NOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOT MY REP!!!!!!

TROLLINATOR
What kind of lizard are you?

CODY
THE LIZARD KING!!!

TROLLINATOR
It is too bad that you are not a chameleon, because you need to change your skin color to one less shameful than white.

CODY
IM PROUD TO BE WHITE!!!!



TROLLINATOR
Hitting children severely reduces their IQ.

CODY
I-I-I-I GOT SPANKED AND I TURNED OUT FINE!!!!

TROLLINATOR
Some lizards are able to regrow their limbs but you will never be able to regrow your foreskin.

CODY
NO DONT HURT ME MOMMY IM SORRY MOMMY NOOOOOOO!!!!



TROLLINATOR
The Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event has not got shit on how many lizards I am owning.



TROLLINATOR
You should have chosen a better celebrity to suffer from erotomania over than a closeted gay Vanilla Ice rip-off with mommy issues.

UOFLCARDFAN08
EMINEM LOVES M-!!!!!

TROLLINATOR
You mad, Madeline?



TROLLINATOR
Clinical trials show that outspoken homophobia is closely linked with sexual arousal to homosexual pornography.



ROSE WEST
h-h-h-h-ho-


TROLLINATOR
Dyke.



TROLLINATOR
You may be cold blooded but you will never be cool.

Killer Croc was the worst boss fight in Arkham Asylum.

Even David Icke doesn't want to talk about lizards anymore.



TROLLINATOR
There has not been a cool lizard in 65.5 million years and even he had gimp arms.

Rage Rex is the second worst Troll Squad member.



TROLLINATOR
Even dragons are not cool any more.

Smaug was a wyvern.



TROLLINATOR
Some female lizards can reproduce by themselves through parthenogenesis.

You will be a virgin for life.



TROLLINATOR
There will never be another Gex video game because they all sucked.



TROLLINATOR
Tie a noose with your tongue and hang yourself.

The Lizard is the lamest Spider-Man villain.

Nice body temperature regulation n00b.



TROLLINATOR
Scanning all targets designated "Lizards".



TROLLINATOR
All targets trollinated with extreme prejudice.



TROLLINATOR
Securing perimeter.



Trollinator leaves the thread, leaving utter carnage behind her.



Rootbeer managed to escape trollination because he is technically not a lizard.

Keyword technically.

ROOTBEER
guys... I think that was summer glau!



ROOTBEER
whatever, lisa is way cuter th-ACK!



GENERAL DOLI
oh lisa is it m8y boi? plz tell us aaaaaaall about that sexy babe lisa, i froking love reading all about FUCKIG LISA every FUCKING DAY literally EVERYNDAY OF MY LIFE reading about LIDA MCBUSHPIG tell us how PERFECT YOUR LIF WIHTH LISA IS ON PENGUIN ISLAND AND HOW SHE GIVES YOU FOOTJOBS DCOME ON ROOTY TELL US ALL ABOUT LISA

ROOTBEER
D-D-DONT! DONT TROLL ME! IM ONE OF YOU! IM A YTMNSFWER!

GENERAL DOLI
UR A LIZARD TRAITOR ROOTY, A LIZADRD FUCKER, YOU LITERALLY FUCKED LISA, YOU FUCKED, LISA, YOU. FUCKED. LISA. YOU ARE NOW A LIZARD, YOU BETRAYED ALL YOUR FFRIENDS FOIR FFCFFUFKCKING LZIRRD ROOTY UR GOING IN TEH HERPOENTERIUM AN UR NEVER EVER LEAVING



ROOTBEER
NO! NOT THE HERPENTERIUM! IM SORRY! IM SORRY! IM SORRY! ANYTHING BUT THE HERP!!!

GENERAL DOLI
WHATS THE MATER M8TE? I THOT U LOVED LIZARDS M8? COME ON M8 DONT YOU WANT TO POST WITH YOUR BEST M8S ROSE WEST AND OB FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? IN YOU GO RRRRRRRROOTYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

ROOTBEER
NOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!!!



Ruby gets ready to herp Cody.

CODY
wait wait wait



CODY
you want your replies right?

huh? you fair weather asshole?

you wanna know how to get em?

me

i get replies

i cause the most butthurt

i cause the most activity

everyone lines up to shittalk me



CODY
you're too late

we've already won

you herp me and your forums will be d-

Ruby herps Cody.



GENERAL DOLI
............m8...........



Ruby makes General Doli mod. (no not really lmao)



RUBY
do it. ban me. you want this.



GENERAL DOLI
post it! post you want this! nothing happens until I read you post it!



RUBY
I want this



GENERAL DOLI
then ban yourself m8



Rootbeer's Skype account gets an in-coming call.

This is his custom ringtone.

Ruby answers it.



RUBY
hello?

LISA
is it done? is he trolled?

RUBY
yeah its done, hes trolled, they're all trolled

LISA
rooty? who is this?



RUBY
lmao you cant recognize my voice? god you're stupid, its ruby

how are you feeling? kind of under the weather? I can't tell because you literally look like you've been dead for a few weeks all the time anyway lmao

that would be the chlamydia, or maybe its the gonorrhoea, or the toxoplasmosis from your cat, or hell the herpes, syphilis, crabs, thrush, HPV, HIV, AIDS, VD, thats venereal disease not vampire diaries, PID, SARS, lymphogranuloma venereum, mucopurulent cervicitis, scabies, trichomoniasis, chancroid, amebiasis, giardiasis, shigellosis, shingles, shiggydiggy, hepatitis A, hepatitis NF, herpatitis, diabetes, krokodil, salmonella, solanum, kuru, the t-virus, the legacy virus, the shanti virus, the sickness, the demovas, E. coli, rickets, Haze assworms, bird flu, jungle fever, mad cow disease, dirty bushpig disease, niggerAIDS, cooties or lupus

those are the STD test results from the saliva sample I took off that marijuana crap you're always smoking

LISA
...

RUBY
the troll was getting rootbeer not to use a condom so he'd catch half of that shit, doesnt matter now, something tells me he wont be posting in the main forum in quite some time



LISA
YOU OBSESSED FU-!!!



RUBY
enjoy the herpenterium lisa

Ruby hangs up on her mid-call.



General Doli looks back at Ruby. Maybe he wasn't such an aspie retard after all... (he was).



General Doli speeds off browsing as fast as he can through the lizard free forums.

GENERAL DOLI
im free... im finally free of those froking lizards... yes... YES... YEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! XD



Catch General Doli as he stars in Ruby's next parody megathread "Need for Replies", only on rubycalaber.com!



Ruby feels something. It's his jimmies. They've been rustled since he first saw what his forums had become. It doesn't matter now. He's posted his Breaking Bad thread. All the lizards have been herped. It's time to log off forever.



Ruby starts reminiscing about the good times. All those epic songs he's made. "Black Niggers" was definitely the best.



He remembers when he used to game. He used to hang out in Second Life with Stevey and the FJS crew. He used to have Left 4 Dead nights with the lads. He used to stand up to Max Goldberg himself in Counter-Strike. He hasn't played a video game in months, never mind with anyone else.



He used to write massive movie reviews. He hasn't done one in over 4 years.



All those fucking epic gifs. People used to fight over who'd be in them. He hasn't made any of those in years either.



Oh god. Creepy-Chan. He used to chat to Allison Harvard and get signs from her and made her edgy blood signs back and review her ANTM apperances. What would she think of him now? Probably wouldn't even lick his nosebleed.



And he used to make hilarous comic parodies. When was the last time he did that? Like half a decade ago?



LOL, remember when his jews did 9/11 ytmnd appeared on the History Channel? And Max got him to write the only ever frontpage guest news post? What an epic fucking win. What was his last epic win? Posting his dick or some gay shit? What a fag.



Christ. The epic forum collages. Everyone would make them, but his were the best. Hundreds of posters all in one image. Why doesn't he make those anymore? Oh yeah. That's right. There's only about 10 people left on the forum and he just herped most of them.



Ah, his DayZ trailer. Maybe the best video he's ever made. But also the start of the worst threads he ever made.



Jesus, remember his Lost threads? He wrote an entire novel every WEEK reviewing each episode of season 4. But it took him months to review season 5 and he never did review season 6. Where did it all go wrong? Ruby's life I mean, not Lost, it was shit from the start.

Some of the few remaining posters are logging on now. They'll probably browse straight past his thread. Who gives a shit about Ruby threads anymore?



He remembers reviewing the entire first three seasons of Lost for Christmas 2007. He wrote it all in the space of about 2 weeks and stayed up for 4 days straight to finish it on time. What an epic thread. But that was... that was over 6 years ago...



Ruby lays down on his back and stares up into the sky as the camera pans up, ready for it all to end, exactly like how Lost ended.



But his thread starts getting replies. Lots of replies.

HOWARD DEAN
*namesearches thread* uh...

you should have made me jesse and have the podcast gaiden crew be his stoner friends and at the end where hes driving off and screams I go RAAAAAAAAAAAAH like the real howard dean (who I am)

STEVEN YELLE
you really should have made me be walt, he has a winnebago and is a drugs expert, come on dude, come on, come on son, come on, listen, fjs, bye

STOMPLEB
Make one of these for The Walking Dead and make me a main character or you will be punished, you ned.

MARKS98
personally I don't care whos in the thread as long as cody stays herped

ELEZZZARK
It's very dishonourable in not inclusion to me, why big in Mexican characters to Breaking Bad should not bring me? With shame.

BOOBZ
Maybe I could have been Walt Jr. and instead of his crutches I have two trumpets, that would be really funny imho.

CBERRY
why the FUCK was link in this thread and I wasnt? make more breaking bad threads and have me be gus (hes black fuck you) or I'm calling obama



Looks like this autist isn't done quite yet!

RUBY
oh for fuck sake








CAST

Walter White Ruby Calaber

Susan ascii_genitals

Gretchen Schwartz Clay

Elliott Schwartz Jon

Skinny Pete Bob Hughes

Brandon "Badger" Mayhew Plug Drugs

Jesse Pinkman General Doli

Christian "Combo" Ortega Jihad Josh

Stripper #1 Rofl Brothel

Stripper #2 Terror Baby

Bouncer Bouncer

Stripper #3 Ashley

Stripper #4 Gabi

Stripper #5 Ramen

Lucy Aber

Chef internutt

Marie Schrader Cag

Hank Schrader Drunk Puppies

Steven Gomez Camoron

Party Goer #1 Bliz

Party Goer #2 lnopia the great

Party Goer #3 Siburke939

Party Goer #4 VeriTechTammy

Party Goer #5 VeriTechRyan

Party Goer #6 iwascruel

Party Goer #7 Adair

Skylar White Desolation

Lydia Rodarte-Quayle Lisa

Waiter Garfield

Todd Alquist Rootbeer

Restaurant Patron #1 Ruby's Wife

Restaurant Patron #2 Ruby's Wife's Sister

Restaurant Patron #3 TheElJoe

Restaurant Patron #4 skrizach

Restaurant Patron #5 Boar

Restaurant Patron #6 Link

Restaurant Patron #7 0mon Ra

Restaurant Patron #8 m0nde

Restaurant Patron #9 Lexi Persimmons

Restaurant Patron #10 dadadan

Driver Dustin

DEA Agent #1 Meatloaf

DEA Agent #2 Newman

Walt Jr. Barry Pot Head

Bystander Hiroshima

Cop #1 / White Supremacist #1 Flaglerchat

Cop #2 / White Supremacist #2 Mrs. Hyde

Kenny Obnoxious Bitch

Frankie Rose West

Lester Miss America

Jack Welker Cody

Matt UofLCardfan08

The M60 Trollinator

Gunman zLister

RoflCopter Pilot Alsto Pace

Cop #3 Howard Dean

Cop #4 cBerry

Cop #5 Boobz

Cop #6 / Lead Cannabis Consultant Steven Yelle

Cop #7 StompleB

Cop #8 Elezzzark

Cop #9 Marks98

Lois Fanfare...

RUBY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!



FANFARE
lol wtf



RUBY
I just had the scarriest dream!!!!

FANFARE
well you know cheese dreams? maybe you're geting mac and cheese dreams lol

RUBY
no you dont understand it was 2014 and I was the admin of this horrible dead forum



FANFARE
??????

RUBY
yeah I was the admin of this spin-off spin-off forum and it was on my own website and everyone called it rubynet even though I didnt like that name clay came up with it

FANFARE
lmfao clay, thats almost as bad as working with jon

RUBY
he was my friend too! he helped me run the forum, but there were all these horrible trolls called the reptiles or something like this guy who never posted properly he'd just post peoples IP addresses and this girl who ruined all these guys lives even though she was so ugly, she looked like a corpse! and there was this mean guy who was so mean he got kicked out the KKK for beating his wife and he'd always say KILL ALL N-... the n-word, he'd use the n-word a lot, he'd say KILL ALL N-WORDS! HANG ALL N-WORDS!



FANFARE
awww calm down, its 2005 and we let max worry about the ytmnd forums, all we have to worry about is being nice to each other ^_^

RUBY
b-b-but then there was me, I was this mean troll, my only friends were mean trolls too, and all we did was play video games to troll people in, there was one where all you did was walk for hours until you found another player to troll, and I recorded every second of it and thats all I made threads about, the only thing that made sense was I still had a Matthew Fox avatar

FANFARE
lol good to know lost is still on 9 years in the future

RUBY
no I havnt told you the scariest part, lost ended in 2010, and it turned out they were in purgatory the whole time, and the final scene was them going to heaven, and they didnt answer any of the mysteries!

FANFARE
haha yeh right everyone knows the writers said everything would have a scientific explination

wasnt I there to giv u luv?



RUBY
n-no... I had another internet gf a-a-and we'd have cyber sex all the time and do weird pervert stuff, but it was actually a guy in real life!

FANFARE
rofl what kin dof a freak pretends to be a girl on the internet

RUBY
idk I guess I was gay

FANFARE
ok go back to sleep, theres a new ep of lost on tommorrow!



RUBY
now that we're both up... why dont we try cybering?

FANFARE
lol i put on my robe and wizard hat



RUBY
I jump ontop of you, sending the wizard hat flying off, I pin you to the ground and wrap your long red hair around my rock hard cock and use it to masturbate myself

FANFARE
ok that got weird real fast



RUBY
s-sorry...

that was just a gimmick

....................goodnight deso



SPECIAL FEATURES