The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her a gift. As she unwrapped it, she said "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand? Are you saying I'm a witch?" "No no. And it's not just any wand" I replied "It's a magic wand!"

"Oh yeah?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it a shake" I told her "and don't forget to say the magic words".

"Okay" she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

"Fuck me, that's amazing!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this".

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"