My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
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I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
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A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
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A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
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I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
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"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
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A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".