An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.