You are a worthless waste of air, which is why at this precise point in the space time continuum, you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't.

You think your taste in music matters. You believe that your petty opinions about everything matter. Tell us moar about what political party you belong to and how you can't associate with anyone whose opinion differs form yours, it's all so fascinating!

You have seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times. You think you're hot shit and cool because you own all of the Quentin Tarantino movies on shitty bootleg DVDs. You think the mundane and asinine details of your very existence are so interesting that you log onto Facebook and tell every dumbfuck that was retarded enough to 'friend' you what you had for dinner.

You are every shit stain, cum streak and piss smell on every single piece of underwear worn by man. You can attempt to take 10 showers a day (and we all know you won't), but you will still smell like a monkey's asscrack with HIV.

You are ugly, all of your family members are ugly, and chances are your children (that is, if you ever have any, which you won't) will be ugly as well; do not breed.

Your very birthing delivery was all a joke; you were born as a ploy from God to stick you out in this world so that you will fail and give normal human beings the satisfaction of lulzing at your stupid self.

You think playing video games makes you alternative. You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy, "The Hangover" and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition, downloaded pirating software to your video game and jailbreaked your tablet (you think, anyway) because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural.

You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as "that fat kid." You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic con.

You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You've pretty much been a giant faggot ever since that one time in bible camp. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You have never had sex and are love shy.

You are a 15 year old liberal thinking atheist. You can hear your parents yelling in the other room. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could have done better if you tried". You collect Plastic Crap.

You ejaculate on your collection of erotic anime plastic crap and film it for the entire world to see. And, after you ejaculate onto your plastic crap, you attempt to engage it in conversation to apologize, which ends in a one-sided argument about that unicorn you saw raping that box of cupcakes last week. You're hardly as socially-adjusted as a potato (and that's an insult to potatoes).You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval.

You have the intellectual capabilities of a flaccid penis. You began your trek through the Interwebz by googling nigger porn. You were socially inept in elementary, middle, and high school, and during high school, you fapped in the boy's bathroom during CSIII at least twice a week to your own little shota fantasies, you fucking pedo.

You have a blatantly inaccurate superiority complex, when in reality you are perhaps the paramount example of a pseudo-intellectual. You have this fagtarded notion that everyone actually cares about what you have to say, but they won't even throw five seconds down the drain to tell you they don't. You visited 4chan solely during the summer of 2010, and you become hard at the idea of finally being a part of something larger than yourself, when, yet again, noone fucking gives a fucking fuck.