Started bleeding last night. Went to ER. Waited over 3 hours to be seen. It was horrible. Had blood test. Was told I'd get a u/s on the phone but it wasn't the case. No cramps. Just light blood.
Nothing all night. Started bleeding again. Had a disaster on the bus. (Was in such a hurry I couldn't pay because I didn't think before I left home) an old lady helped because I broke down crying. I really had hoped the bus driver would have just let me on.
So I went to my doctor. Had another blood test, pathologist f-ed up (I have small veins), went to u/s place. They said they can't do anything til WEDNESDAY. Queue more crying. I didn't want to wait. Thankfully they squeezed me in. I was told the u/s tech would tell me if there was an obvious problem, otherwise it would be reviewed by a dr. So I wait nearly 2 hours. The ultrasound was scary and she just kept saying "are you ok?" I said no, I'm scared. She said that it was the test they do for everyone. Um. I'm scared of losing my baby, not the "test". She barely spoke other than asking me if I was ok.
So I'm back in the waiting room. She was speaking with the receptionists and they kept staring at me. Not a good sign. Eventually the dr comes out and tells me IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WAITING ROOM there's no heartbeat. Then kinda just says "ok?" Like I wouldn't understand the implication because he couldn't just come out and say it. He told me to go back to my gp. I got called back to reception and she was like "ok so you know you have to go back to the dr right?" And I said yes but I don't really know why. She basically was just like "ok well I'm glad he told you" and then I just left.
Thankfully the receptionist at my gp was a lot nicer. Offered for me to sit in another room, and it wasn't like she was worried I'd upset the other patients, it was like she was genuinely concerned. She even asked if she could get anything for me. She got me a water and I sat in the room and cried. The doctor basically was like "you're young" "do you have any idea how many infertile women come through here?" and talked about how my baby probably had a disability. I'd already decided no harmony test, scans for abnormalities etc, if my baby had a disability I'd deal with it and love it. ("IT", I don't even know if it was a girl or boy) So, yeah, the dr didn't help. I told her I was scared. I had a history of depression. She seemed like I'd feel fine tomorrow though. Like I will just be happy. She didn't take my depression seriously.
I have another appointment tomorrow. I don't know why. I don't want to go back. I'll never be the same. I have this history and I already feel alone. My family are horrible, they weren't ever going to meet the baby. I don't have true "friends".
I don't feel like I have a reason to go on. I'm not religious. I don't want my pain minimalised. I still have pregnancy symptoms. Throwing up. Food aversions. I have followed all the food rules. The extremely tough ones, even (like my own leftovers don't get touched after 24 hours). And it's just never seemed worth it, the risk. I started the food rules before I even got pregnant. I didn't want to be one of those "I did x, y & z before I knew I was pregnant". I just keep hoping this is a mistake.
I thought about ringing a helpline for depression/suicide. Last time I was told to try gardening. I hung up. Those people never help me. I've had depression for 2 decades btw. Childhood depression included. Had therapy on and off for over 15 years. I have been hospitalized twice this year due to suicide threats.