It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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The owner of a golf course in was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
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When the Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me" she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious". "And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son".
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
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Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said "I've been playing poker with some blokes". "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!" "So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore".