A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies "I hold a porno mag." The second says "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net." The third says "I hold a sponge." The researcher, baffled, says "Why a sponge?" "Well, I've got to use something to bathe my daughter."
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There is an annual contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness". The winner wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death!