Jokes

[bananadong]

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us today!

[bananadong]

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
--
We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
--
I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
--
I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
--
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.

[bananadong]

Three women were debating about how wide their pussies are. The first one said "When my husband fucks me sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy". The second lady said: "When we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine". The third woman just sat there smirking before finally looking down at her pussy as saying "Jimmy... Jimmy? Come out, please!"
--
If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
--
Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Open Golf. As he's wandering in, he is stopped at the door by security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your golf course is 15 minutes down the road". But don't you know who I am?? I'm Usain Bolt, the World's Fastest Man!!" Alright clever cunt, 5 minutes down the road then, now fuck off!"
--
Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmm, cheese and onion flavour" she said. I replied "I haven't even put it on yet!"
--
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself "Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted "Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in Farmer Gaston's field!" The police chief smiled and said "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay". "Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!"

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex". To which Pierre replied "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted "Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said "Ah, mon amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English".

[bananadong]

IF MEN HAD THEIR OWN WAY...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Thanks for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in beer.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mother's Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly" you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

9. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Beer would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a root" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 100 km/h and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000-a-night -hookers for the duration of those breaks.

20. Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response "What a great idea!!"

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

23. Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.