After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise" she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us". Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go" he said. "Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom" she replied. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
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So me and my wife are having sex and I'm about to cum and she says "Don't cum yet". I'm like..."Don't cum yet?!?!?!" She says "I want to cum with you". So I say "Baby, you got like 3 seconds" "Oops, too late". So the next night we are having sex and she says "Hey, I read that if you squeeze a mans dick really hard right when they're about to cum, he will be able to last longer and not cum right away". So I say "I don't know about that. That's a lot of pressure about to explode. You can't stop it... it's got to go somewhere!" But my wife insists and I give in. So during sex I say "Oh god, I'm gonna cum" and she reaches down and grabs my dick and squeezes as hard as she can and says... "Hey, your nose is running".
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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small todgers on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have more toys than us to play with".
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A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater". "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty" the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen".
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Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill. "Terrible" admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started". Bill tried to comfort him "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah" Joe replied "but not in the Yellow Pages!"
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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
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I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
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I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.