Three women were debating about how wide their pussies are. The first one said "When my husband fucks me sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy". The second lady said: "When we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine". The third woman just sat there smirking before finally looking down at her pussy as saying "Jimmy... Jimmy? Come out, please!"
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If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Open Golf. As he's wandering in, he is stopped at the door by security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your golf course is 15 minutes down the road". But don't you know who I am?? I'm Usain Bolt, the World's Fastest Man!!" Alright clever cunt, 5 minutes down the road then, now fuck off!"
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Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmm, cheese and onion flavour" she said. I replied "I haven't even put it on yet!"
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An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself "Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted "Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in Farmer Gaston's field!" The police chief smiled and said "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay". "Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!"

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex". To which Pierre replied "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted "Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said "Ah, mon amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English".