If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight...
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Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
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Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says "I gotta admit I'm scared out here". The other replies "You're scared!? I gotta walk back alone!"
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Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "I want to pee off the bridge like men do". So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water, pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there - I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection".
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
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Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids. He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to. Dave called me today and said "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant". "That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009" I replied.
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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat". Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Smith" she gushed "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail".
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I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction.
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub".
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup". Noooooo" answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest "A sane person would pull the drain plug".
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A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. After the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy and everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynaecologist".
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Evidence was heard in court that John Smith, of Kalamazoo, had beaten one man to death with a full carton of Cheerios, and another with a box of Special K. There were suspicions that a third person had been killed with Corn Flakes. Police said they were glad to have removed one of the worst cereal killers from the streets.
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An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a liberal in the family before!"


A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do" said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down". The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down" said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest" replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert..?" said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work". The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mummy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it". The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it". The judge turned to Mike and said "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money".