My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
--
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
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Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
--
Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
--
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
--
A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
--
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!"
--
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you! When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "first day in here and I'm married already".
--
After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
--
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are cunts!" A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an cunt".
--Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and grown a penis". Doctor asks "Anabolic?" She replies, "No, just a penis!"
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!
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I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".
--
A man walks into a restaurant, he sees the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl". "That's fine" he replies "I'll just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee, he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead". the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and it's free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, that's how far I made it".
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Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo. Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
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A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
--
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful". Sarah says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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I just migrated from Syria a couple of months ago. This is a strange land. I was having sex with a woman just last night, but she kept screaming another man's name the whole time. Who is this Rape guy anyway?
--
The sales girl at the sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business" answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed. "Calm down sir" smiled the sales girl "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST".
Thread: Jokes
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11-09-2021
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