Jokes

[bananadong]

My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
--
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
--
Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
--
Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
--
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
--
Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
--
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
--
A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
--
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!"
--
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you! When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "first day in here and I'm married already".
--
After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
--
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are cunts!" A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an cunt".
--Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and grown a penis". Doctor asks "Anabolic?" She replies, "No, just a penis!"
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!
--
I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".
--
A man walks into a restaurant, he sees the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl". "That's fine" he replies "I'll just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee, he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead". the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and it's free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, that's how far I made it".
--
Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo. Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
--
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
--
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful". Sarah says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
--
I just migrated from Syria a couple of months ago. This is a strange land. I was having sex with a woman just last night, but she kept screaming another man's name the whole time. Who is this Rape guy anyway?
--
The sales girl at the sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business" answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed. "Calm down sir" smiled the sales girl "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST".

[bananadong]

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again".
--
My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water". I know he means well.
--
Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says "I don't know how you do it".. The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic"
--
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

[bananadong]

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper.

He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traffic cones. Yeah, traffic cones.

Like, this kid fucking LOVED traffic cones. He had a traffic cone keychain on both his key ring AND backpack. His profile picture on Facebook had him posing with a traffic cone. I once saw him riding his bike with a (probably stolen) traffic cone clenched under his arm, barely keeping balance as he rode along. He dressed up as a construction worker for a Halloween party and brought a traffic cone. He even had a dinky pencil topper that was shaped like a traffic cone. Weird ass shit, right?

Alright. It's senior year. Kevin and I have English class with Mrs. McCopper (she just went by her first name, Jane). Jane was beloved by the community. She went to all the school events, and would even sit in the press box and commentate the home soccer games. Overall, a really chill teacher. She had lost her 10-year-old daughter to cancer just a few years before I got into high school. She always wore a necklace her daughter made her. On the necklace was a blue fishing bobber with a cartoon sea otter printed on it. Jane wore it every time I saw her.

Anyways, one Friday during class Kevin would not stop messing with his dinky-ass traffic cone pencil topper. Like he'd beat it against the desk and shake it around like he was a child.

It. was. obnoxious.

Eventually, Jane had enough and she took it from him. She said he could have it back on Monday. Kevin was very upset to say the least.

Cut to the Friday night soccer game. During this specific game a 15-minute 'half time' was called to honour a member of the community named James Van-Bonner.

James was an ex-convict turned success story. When he was 18-years-old, he picked up a toddler and literally chucked the poor kid into a lake. The kid survived luckily. After 10 long years in jail, along with 5 years of intense therapy, James has since committed his life to fostering children and youth.

During this 'halftime' Kevin's dad started storming his way up the stands toward the press box. He looked PISSED. Now, Kevin's dad was a huge, burley man. He worked on a farm stocking hay. This was not the type of guy you wanted to mess with.

The man-beast makes his way in and screams at Jane about Kevin's pencil topper. Jane explains what happened, but Kevin's dad was having none of it. The hulk of a man punches Jane right in the fucking tits and then rips off Jane's necklace and stomps on it- shattering it into pieces. Jane falls to the ground sobbing.

Kevin's dad makes a run for it, but James Van-Bonner steps in his way to block him. Kevin's dad shoves James down the stands. As James falls, he hits his head on one of the seats and goes limp.

Eventually Kevin's dad is subdued and arrested. Paramedics arrive, but James is already dead. It was a terrible loss in the community.

So there it is. That's the tale of Kevin Bopper and how his stupid traffic cone pencil topper killed an innocent man and traumatised my teacher.

TL;DR: Mrs. McCopper took Bopper's topper. His father, the fodder stocker, popped her knockers atop her soccer spotter, crushed her daughter's otter water bobber, and caused the slaughter of ex-toddler lobber turned child foster, James Van-Bonner.

[bananadong]

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village.

The reporter asks him "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."

"Well, this one time my neighbour's sheep got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that sheep".

The reporter, turning red said "Cut! John, we can't air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?

"Well, this one time my other neighbour's donkey got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that donkey".

The reporter again shouted "Cut! Still no good John. Please tell us about your next happiest memory".

"Well, this one time my other neighbour's wife got lost, and the whole village..."

The reporter interrupted him "Yeah, yeah, you all found her and fucked her! Do you have any happy memories that DON'T involve you fucking something?!"

"I'm afraid not" he said.

"For Christ's sake John... you're gonna get me fired! Never mind your happy memories... why don't you tell us your saddest memory instead?"

John looked down and tears started to well up in his eyes and he said "Well, this one time, I got lost..."

[bananadong]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.

To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down truck.

At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.

"What, you don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors and making $5.35 an hour".

[bananadong]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good" said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched'". "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands".

"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

[bananadong]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home". The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".

The operator shakes his head.

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".

[bananadong]

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time". "Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution".

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[bananadong]

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[bananadong]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".

[bananadong]

I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking". I said "Why's that?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
--
I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home. As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
--
My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.
--
"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
--
A woman calls the police to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up, he had his knob out. The police asked her "Was he in a state of arousal?" "No" she said "it was a Ford Mondeo".

[bananadong]

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying "Tickets please".

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said "Tickets please".

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train".

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying "Tickets please".

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematician's door and said "Tickets please".

[bananadong]

Gerry goes to see his doctor and tells him that he's unable to make his wife orgasm and it's become a problem in their marriage. The doctor gives him a quick physical and can't find anything wrong, so starts quizzing him about other possible causes.

"Is your bedroom too hot or too cold?" he asks. Gerry tells him it's actually stifling in there, so the doctor suggests he get an air conditioner. "There's no way I could afford that on my wages" he says.

The doctor asks if Gerry has a close, trusted friend who he could ask to stand at the end of the bed and wave a towel to keep them cool. "I could ask my mate Tommy, I suppose" says Gerry.

That night, Tommy comes over and proceeds to wave the towel while Gerry gets to work. After half an hour the earth still hasn't moved so Gerry calls a halt.

"This isn't working. Let's swap places for a bit" Gerry says.

Tommy strips down and mounts up and within five minutes Gerry's wife is screaming "Oh God! I'm coming!"

When things have calmed down and everyone has their breath back, Gerry turns to Tommy and says... "Now THAT’S how you wave a towel!"

[bananadong]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has naturally has squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad" he says "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course".

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the new money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm" he says "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class".

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him discuss the newspaper stories".

"Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned around and said how much he was looking forward to discussing marriage and infidelity with mum. He then asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? I'd love to meet her again as dad always gives me a treat when we go visit her when mum is at work'".

The father says "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[bananadong]

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow!"

So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he thought "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services".

So, he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.

The nurse explained "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, what is left of your penis and scrotum is under your pillow".

[bananadong]

A farmer has four beautiful daughters. He's a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Freddy! I'm here to pick up Betty! We're gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?"

The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can't see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Jim! I'm here to pick up Kim! We're gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?"

The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Joe! I'm here to pick up Flo! We're gonna go to a show! Can she go?"

By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: "Hi, I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.

[bananadong]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and meek? Well, he was.

Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer.

He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"

[bananadong]

A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. He won't stop staring at her. She asks what's wrong. She says he can tell her anything.

He says he's sorry, but he's always had fantasies about nuns - wanted to be kissed by one.

She tells him it's all right. But she just has two questions: Is he Catholic, and is he single?

He tells her he is Catholic, and he is single.

"Okay" she says "Pull into the next alley".

They pull into an alley and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

When they've finished, the man's crying. She asks him what's wrong?

"I'm sorry" he says "I can't lie to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish".

"That's okay" says the nun "My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".

[bananadong]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts "Fuck! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[bananadong]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"
--
I'm getting totally fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things. $1.25 for a tea, $1.75 for a coffee, $2 for a slice of cake and $2.50 for car parking; anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends' round to my house!
--
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says "Well dear, mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex". The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey". The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery".
---
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend" said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all". Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son". I replied.
--
Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was running out so I had my buddy mark the spot so we could come back tomorrow. When we reached shore I asked my buddy if he had marked the spot. He replyed "Yup I drew a big X on the side of the boat". I thought about it for a second before I exclaimed "You idiot... what if we don't rent the same boat tomorrow?"
--
A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first.
--
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow" one of the gay men says "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here". A nurse who happens to be walking by says "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass".
--
We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.
--
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!" he replies. So, she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples??" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well". So, the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey - it's not that hard!"

[bananadong]

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
--
I was sitting at the table reading the paper when the wife exploded "That's IT! I'm sick of it! All I ever do around here is cook!" she yelled. "HEY! That's not on!" I blurted over the paper. "What? I'm not even entitled to an opinion anymore?" She said defiantly. "I was referring to the oven".
--
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

[bananadong]

An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.

Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.

As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Deptartment of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"

Well poor Mick and Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.

"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".

"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"

"Sure, why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.

Mary responds "But what about the smell?"

"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies".

[bananadong]

A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.

So, the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".

[bananadong]

Mark and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a bit or light prostitution. She's not quite sure what to do, so Mark says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner".

So she stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" "A hundred bucks" she says. He replies "All I got is thirty".

She says "Hold on" and runs back to Mark and asks. "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job" Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back".

She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy $70?"

[bananadong]

A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".

"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"

[bananadong]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"


Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9.".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions".

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs.".

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief.....


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands".

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question...


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck".

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

[bananadong]

"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
--
I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
--
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!

[bananadong]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.

As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I LOVE to drink." "Well you're gonna LOVE Monday's then. On Monday's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "Well you're gonna LOVE Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesday's you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, then you're gonna hate the weekend!"

[bananadong]

A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"

"Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home".

"Okay, boss" said the young man.

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck" replied the young man. "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's motorbike is still jammed under the truck's front wheels".

[bananadong]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done".

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".