As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"
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Dan sends a text to his son "My Dear Son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father". His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His father replies "I know".
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting "... our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap and he appeared to be very angry. So he looks at his personal assistant and asks "All that you told me were so bloody negative do you have any positive news to give me?" "As a matter of fact I do. The COVID test you did yesterday came back positive!"
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An exercise for people who are out of shape: begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated. "What's wrong?" asked his friend. "I've got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer". "Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling". Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off. "What's wrong, you didn't weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer". "I did" replied Johnny "and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer... she was fired too".
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The girl knelt in the confessional and said "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned". "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am". The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just that you are very mistaken".
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Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie says he will grant them only one wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts "I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!" The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams "You moron! Your hasty decision has screwed us! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
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An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"
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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it".