Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper.

He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traffic cones. Yeah, traffic cones.

Like, this kid fucking LOVED traffic cones. He had a traffic cone keychain on both his key ring AND backpack. His profile picture on Facebook had him posing with a traffic cone. I once saw him riding his bike with a (probably stolen) traffic cone clenched under his arm, barely keeping balance as he rode along. He dressed up as a construction worker for a Halloween party and brought a traffic cone. He even had a dinky pencil topper that was shaped like a traffic cone. Weird ass shit, right?

Alright. It's senior year. Kevin and I have English class with Mrs. McCopper (she just went by her first name, Jane). Jane was beloved by the community. She went to all the school events, and would even sit in the press box and commentate the home soccer games. Overall, a really chill teacher. She had lost her 10-year-old daughter to cancer just a few years before I got into high school. She always wore a necklace her daughter made her. On the necklace was a blue fishing bobber with a cartoon sea otter printed on it. Jane wore it every time I saw her.

Anyways, one Friday during class Kevin would not stop messing with his dinky-ass traffic cone pencil topper. Like he'd beat it against the desk and shake it around like he was a child.

It. was. obnoxious.

Eventually, Jane had enough and she took it from him. She said he could have it back on Monday. Kevin was very upset to say the least.

Cut to the Friday night soccer game. During this specific game a 15-minute 'half time' was called to honour a member of the community named James Van-Bonner.

James was an ex-convict turned success story. When he was 18-years-old, he picked up a toddler and literally chucked the poor kid into a lake. The kid survived luckily. After 10 long years in jail, along with 5 years of intense therapy, James has since committed his life to fostering children and youth.

During this 'halftime' Kevin's dad started storming his way up the stands toward the press box. He looked PISSED. Now, Kevin's dad was a huge, burley man. He worked on a farm stocking hay. This was not the type of guy you wanted to mess with.

The man-beast makes his way in and screams at Jane about Kevin's pencil topper. Jane explains what happened, but Kevin's dad was having none of it. The hulk of a man punches Jane right in the fucking tits and then rips off Jane's necklace and stomps on it- shattering it into pieces. Jane falls to the ground sobbing.

Kevin's dad makes a run for it, but James Van-Bonner steps in his way to block him. Kevin's dad shoves James down the stands. As James falls, he hits his head on one of the seats and goes limp.

Eventually Kevin's dad is subdued and arrested. Paramedics arrive, but James is already dead. It was a terrible loss in the community.

So there it is. That's the tale of Kevin Bopper and how his stupid traffic cone pencil topper killed an innocent man and traumatised my teacher.

TL;DR: Mrs. McCopper took Bopper's topper. His father, the fodder stocker, popped her knockers atop her soccer spotter, crushed her daughter's otter water bobber, and caused the slaughter of ex-toddler lobber turned child foster, James Van-Bonner.