Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
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A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.
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As I came out of the supermarket today, I saw a charity worker standing in the rain. On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa' I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."
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A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and *BOOM* she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and *BOOM* he was ninety.
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Hello everyone. For almost the entirety of my life I have been a detritivore. What does this mean? Well essentially this means I eat dead things. Yes, I do eat steak and other carcass. But I would almost always rather eat fresh Road kill. When I was about 12 years old my friend Timmy and I would play ball in my driveway. One time I threw the ball a little too far ahead and Timmy ran after it. Timmy ran into the road and was killed instantly by oncoming traffic. I ran over to him, kneeled down, and fed on Timmy's body, I also then marinated his remains. Timmy’s mother never got the closure on how Timmy disappeared. Unfortunately, she ended up hanging herself. I ended up consuming her as well.
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". And he said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
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Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, angry, short tempered, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
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A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied "Yes just once". The doctor asked "What was it like?" I said "It was dark, then suddenly very bright".