I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking". I said "Why's that?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
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I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home. As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
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My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.
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"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
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A woman calls the police to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up, he had his knob out. The police asked her "Was he in a state of arousal?" "No" she said "it was a Ford Mondeo".