"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
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I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!