A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down. "OK what is your problem sir?" "I am half deaf" he replied. "That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf! There is no such thing!" "Yes there is!" "OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back". "OK!" He said "When he got to the end of the hall the doctor shouts down. "88" shouted the doctor. "44" shouted the man.
--
My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
--
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
--
A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water".
--
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?" Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it". Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
--
Dear Charlie, We've been neighbours for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
--
In sixth grade at St. Gabriel's Catholic school, Fr. Matthew is teaching the kids about sex ed. He finally reaches a pause and says "We all know pornography is bad. It is very, very bad. We should never watch pornography - never". The kid in the back of the class asked "What is defined as pornography, Father?" Fr. Matthews stops for a bit, then replies with "Pornography is any image that makes you sexually aroused". All of the students looked at each other and nodded, until the transfer student from Alabama in the back of the class raised his hand. "Father" he asked "Does that mean that my sister's selfies count as pornography?"
--
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is". The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".